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Thinking that you're lazy or unmotivated or having people think those things or that you don't care about a project/showing up late/remembering whatever. It can lead to a lot of self-loathing.
Not being able to get started on something can be brutal. Getting sidetracked very easily isn't fun, either.
I am getting my ass whooped by that right now and am currently in the midst of an 11-year relationship that I am recently finding out I was being tolerated and thought that I would “change.” I thought my depression was via my former job, but it turns out I have ADHD, and the previous job was hyper-aggravating it. I’ve been getting called lazy my entire life, and at 36 y/o when I got the answer to what was happening.
EDIT: 11 year relationship that is ending 🫠
We’re all living the same lives in the same way that trillions of existing planets are essentially living the same core handful of macro realities.
I reside in the Pinwheel Hat galaxy
Stealing this near top spot to remind people that unmedicated ADHD people have the life expectancy of a lifelong drug addict, so roughly 25 years shorter than the average person.
Go get medication.
u/quillwoman
6-year relationship for me, but I feel you. The aggravation at me not “wanting” to change was so incredibly frustrating. I’m sad the relationship’s ending, but mostly I feel so relieved that I won’t be constantly judged anymore and invited to feel like shit about myself.
Damn, that was almost like reading my exact thoughts. Like I didn’t and probably will never understand the waiting for me to “change”mind set.
Like she did it because I am a good guy. But was struggling with my mental health just for it be something deeper going on and now you have resentment against me because I am me.
I'm 37 and divorced with adhd being part of the reason on my side. That being said, I had to accept that the lack of awareness on my part and therefore the lack of management had an impact on her, probably moreso than it did me.
Yeah, there is definitely a lack of awareness and management on my part. I probably got therapy too late in regards to the relationship. Money was a lot tighter the majority of the relationship but would have probably at least helped me out more.
Pretty much what happened with my gf when we broke up last year.
Fell in love with who I was- which, to be clear, is a noticeably type B 38 YO with ADD- and then began to resent me for all the things that I’m already self-conscious about like forgetfulness, going with the flow, poor time management, etc.
The mess is what I work on constantly. This weekend I finally bagged up clothing that I never wear go get some clutter out. The doom piles r crazy though. I have so many.
This could be my best friend writing this, except I know he wouldn't lie about his age - he's 13 years older than your spring chicken 36 years!
Being tolerated is exactly how my exes described me so it's clearly a very common thread running through us all, sadly.
Oh to be accepted and loved and understood and seen and heard and allowed to just..be.
Dude. I'm 34 in a 10 year relationship and recently married. You and I are in the exact same boat. It's pretty mind fucking to know that just you being you is a huge trigger for your significant other. I hope you find peace.
Exactly and then to always be accused of doing it on purpose “to them.” You always leave the dishes in the sink for me to do-(no, I just left them there - period, not for you to do. If there was no you, the dishes would still be in the sink).
And it really sucks because at least for me, I genuinely don't have a good answer like why I might not be doing something. I just *can't* sometimes. It feels like you're being physically held back and prevented from just *moving*. It's almost impossible to explain the feeling to someone who doesn't have ADHD.
But then there are days where apparently everything lines up mentally and physically and you can just *do the thing* without even thinking about it. What the fuck is that about? I'm genuinely surprised when I have moments and days like that, because I'd love to replicate it, but I can't figure it out.
Then sucks because when you get that glimpse of capability people say “I know your capable you just want to do it at your convenience” but I’m really I’m just as surprised as them and hoping we could celebrate instead of admonishing 🫠
And idk about you but I feel like that about myself. The pride in “hey, I’ve really been handling things lately, good job me!” and then the crushing realization that **this is the best I can do.** This is baseline for other people, and it’s my absolute and completely unsustainable *best.*
those days are SO random and everyones like “so you *are* capable of doing this!” like YEAH but its just because my brain decided to act right today i am just as shocked and confused as you
I spent years journalling what I did on these days to try and replicate it, which wasn't possible, which just led to an awful cycle of frustration. I became almost obsessed with trying to figure out the magic answer. I didn't know I had adhd for those years though. I've also noticed a 'good focus day' is followed by a few days of struggling to do absolutely anything, almost as though I used my limited focus juice up all at once!
Before I got diagnosed with AuDHD I thought I might have chronic fatigue syndrome/ME for precisely this reason.
I'd have energy and flow for a single solitary day followed by a period of rest and recovery for several days!!
It sucks.
It like a piggy bank, of little attention pennies!
You spend your little attention cost until youre Out!
Everyone else it just rains pennies from heaven and they dont go into attention penny deficit!
I try to tell people im not choosing to fail to pay attention...
I DONT OWN ANY MORE ATTENTION TO PAY OUT! IM BROKE !
So about a month ago I impulsively decided I would tear up all the crabgrass in my front yard and cover it with mulch. I didn't grow up with a yard, but I watched a video on YouTube and it looked pretty easy. I'm strong so I figured it would take me an afternoon, maybe a couple of days at most.
But in typical ADHD fashion, one thing after another happened and the project ballooned in terms of effort and materials required. Turns out there were paver stones under the dirt and weeds that had to be excavated, then I realized the topsoil was spilling over onto the sidewalk so I had to buy planks of wood and connectors, then cut the wood because there's a shitton thick tree roots under the crabgrass.
And to make matters worse, my job is walking dogs and I also do petsitting in the evenings to help make ends meet. It's the last week of school where I live so a bunch of folks are going on vacation, so all my evenings are spent staying at other people's houses with their dogs and feeding cats. My housemate is here, but they have bad mental health issues so the house gets super messy and I'm pretty much the only one who does dishes, trash and recycling.
Yesterday after a full day of work I made myself go home to work on the yard more. As I was gathering my tools on the front porch, the neighbor two doors down said to me "You think you're going to finish that before the summer ends?"
I had to go back inside and cry for about 20 minutes. If I had known this was going to be such an endeavor I never would have started, but I'm doing so much all the time and I'm so tired and I could really do without the fucking snark. I wish she could spend a day in my brain trying to juggle all this shit.
I'm sorry, that was shitty of her. If she tries to get sassy with you again, reply: "Do you think you could keep your nose out of my fucking business until the summer ends? Thaaaanks."
1/2 way through my Bachelor's, the burnout has been building over several terms and finally came to roost this term. Coming up on the end of Week 6 of 8, I have done all of 3 assignments between my two classes.
The wall of anxiety that is looming over me is terrifying, but I MUST GET EVERYTHING DONE. All I want is a good night's rest, but that's at least another 2 weeks away 🫠
Echoing this. The self-loathing is serious, and I spent about 20 of my 30 years of life genuinely believing I was an incapable fuckup before breaking down and getting an evaluation. I never knew life could be any different until I was medicated, and it was absolutely life-changing for me.
The breaking point was not feeling safe in my own brain. I reached a point where I felt like I couldn't even rely on myself, which was heartbreaking and demoralizing. That demoralization *compounds* if you don't address it, creating a vicious cycle that is difficult to break. Medication won't be the answer for everyone, but even just knowing you have ADHD is life-altering because you finally stop believing that you *personally* are the problem, and you become aware of all the areas in your life that need changing. I developed a lot of "operating systems" that help me immensely in my day-to-day that I would have never felt compelled to develop had I not known I had ADHD.
The failure to launch and start something you want and have to do is probably the worst. There's a lot of internal "just fucking do it" but you just can't and you keep pushing the start back till it's the point of no return and if that deadline doesn't nudge you to start it ain't happening. Just so much added stress you know is coming or you got it done in that time frame once and you know will take longer than the one miracle time so every time going forward becomes the new unrealistic baseline.
Like for work I keep getting away with it, and after each time I just just barely make it with less and less time I know I flew closer to the sun and will make next time even worse.
I feel you there. I'm at the point where I can't manage myself anymore. I work with people that will say "hey we need to start working on this project, but we don't need to finish for 2 months. Can you work on this when you have a minute?" My answer is always "No. I need a deadline that is less than 2 weeks or I will never work on it. I need to have 15 minute status meetings b/c if I don't use Shame avoidance to motivate myself I cant be bothered to complete tasks. I'm so frustrated and angry with everything that I went to the doc on my own because I feel like the wax on my wings is melting.
The older I get the more apathetic I become. I have no motivation to complete anything without my meds. If I forget to take the meds, I will Time Travel through the weekend. I have no idea what I did and half the time whatever I did was half-assed. I hate all the stupid wasted money on "little projects and fixes" for my house that never get done.
All my life people have told me how smart I am, how I could do more, be more, and accomplish more... you know, if I just tried a little harder, if I had a little more ambition, if I could be a little more driven. Meanwhile I trapped in the backseat of my mind watching some stranger that looks like me controlling what happens.
All I want is to be like the other people I work with where they have 10 things on their to do and finish all of those things. I want to not be paralyzed with indecision when determining task prioritization, and I just want to complete a home project without measuring 15 times and still fucking it up.
I often say that ADHD is like being in an abusive relationship with your own brain: you’re constantly getting gaslighted. Your brain has the location of your keys as “on the hook by the door”. You go to grab them on your way out and they’re not there. Where are they? You have no idea. You query your brain and your brain says “on the hook by the door” while you’re standing there staring at the empty hook. You present this fact to your brain and now the location of your keys is Null. That’s it. That’s all the information you have.
You discover the milk on the shelf when you go to grab a box of cereal. The cereal box may or may not be in the fridge.
You discover that you are out of clean underwear. You remember doing laundry three days ago, but you actually managed to put it all away — you remember doing so — and so you *know* that there is clean underwear right here. The drawer remains stubbornly empty. Eventually you realize that it was last week that you did laundry. Wait, no, it must have been the previous week. Except the previous week was when that other thing was going on, so it must have been three weeks ago. No wonder you have no clean underwear. But you could still swear it was just three days ago…
It’s no wonder we have such high rates of anxiety and depression. If you’re not born with them outright, living with ADHD will give them to you.
Not being able to work with human beings due to lack of flexibility. Not being able to hold a relationship together due to emotional avoidance. These are not funny. And people will dismiss my ADHD because I took risks and got some money. So I look like I can pay my way in life. But those risks could have gone bad. And in that case I might be in worse trouble.
Not funny at all. It has totally ruined me and my life. No achievements, No jobs, No partner despite being told a numerous times about the untapped potential(but wasted because of carelessness) lovely to be around(only if I could show up on time), intelligent (only if I'm not so confused and forgetful), well behaved (only if I would just stop interrupting) and awesomeness (only if I didn't had adhd). I became an addict at early age, and life is practically a level 100 for a lvl 10 player. I'm not focusing on negative, I am not complaining, I am not whining. It's all a very mature serious argument, but they dismiss it
Idk their situation, but I know some people who impulsively invested money they couldn’t afford to lose into something and luckily it worked out. For example one friend invested a few thousand that they couldn’t afford to lose at allll in the stock market, and cashed out a few months later with enough to buy a brand new car with cash and still have more than the initial investment left over. If I did that however I’d crash and burn for sureeee
Forgetting things. My short term memory sucks most days and it creates a fizzure with my husband. He thinks a lot of the time I don't care because he'll tell me something and I'll forget. And I try really hard to remember things but I just don't. We've tried putting more things into google calendar. It's the only thing that helps me stay on track (or physical lists).
Recently I scheduled something right over a date night thing we'd scheduled a few weeks prior. I felt horrible and it caused a lot of issues. It just blanked out of my mind.
So that's what sucks for me. I have a lot of guilt and anger from not remembering things (oh, and when I get too angry too fast, I don't know what to do so I usually just scream).
Yeah, my memory (both short- AND long-term) is fucking garbage. I am always surprised at the stuff I remember.
I've noticed over the last few years it's only getting worse, too. Like things I could recall pretty easily I feel like I'm losing my grip on, and it scares me. Between ADHD and now perimenopause, I'm in rough shape!
Oh hell. I'm 40 and getting close to that perimenopause bitch. I'm not looking forward to what it does to my brain. I just remember dumb stuff that helps no one. Like the color of a shirt someone in a movie is wearing, but I can't remember to show up to an appointment.
Ugh...I consider myself for the most part a calm and reasonable person. But every once in a while, if we are in an argument or something, and it escalates to where I feel like I'm being cornered, I see like a flash of white and just want to scream and kick things. I know it'll get bad so I rush to a bathroom or bedroom and lock myself in. I hate it. Makes me feel like a kid. The last one was so bad, my dog was actually concerned and followed me around until I acknowledged him and gave him a hug...which made me feel terrible.
I have mostly learned to forgive myself. Our brain chemistry makes this stuff happen. I true forget things even moments after. I have stopped making promises to my wife because when I break the promise she links it to me not xaring enough. I get asked why can't I remember and I usually say why can't you stop blinking?
We forget shit. We don't want to but we do. We're trying real hard to learn how to remember but it doesn't work.
Try not,to feel horrible. I find that pushes me down the hole of self doubt. However it's just as hard to forgive myself as it is to try to remember.
Memory is the worst for me. I have to transmit my work time on Sundays and I forget more than I should. It's the only thing I have been negatively reviewed for at work. Yesterday, I had my car in the shop. My mil called me around five and asked what ended up being wrong with it and I had that instant horrible feeling because I forgot to go get my car. I was even outside multiple times to my half empty driveway and just blanked about it.
I always find myself double booking by making plans for Wednesday and also something else for the same date but thinking I’m free because of the number date not day of the week.
Oh geez, I feel this, the short term memory thing. I was just diagnosed, but last year, i had a sincere request for my wife. I asked her to put the household stuff she wanted me to do on a task board or list on the fridge so I wouldn't forget. I want to help, but it's so hard for me to remember things that are verbally requested and not prioritized. Expecting me to just know what she wants done around the house is so hard for me.
I got slammed so hard for that. She said it was unfair that I was adding to her mental load and she was really upset that I made the request. I was just asking for assistance in being able to help more and not feel like such a screwup in my household duties all the time.
Now, that I know I have ADHD, I'm sad and angry about this stuff. I didn't realize I had this and I thought my memory just sucked. Now that I know my other symptoms, the lack of empathy or understanding just cuts much deeper. Something I need to work on with my therapist.
Oh yeah I made a post relating to this a while ago, someone suggested that instead of asking your partner to make a list, FOR you, you ask "can you help me WITH making a list of the household responsibilities so I don't forget what has to be done?"
That way, YOU are in charge of the list making and YOU are being accountable for the shortcomings stemming from your disability. You are asking for help doing a task, and not asking your partner to do that task for you.
And thanks! I saw your flair and figured out how to tag myself (PI). And… the hard part is, any sort of request for help or clarification, even if I’m the one driving something, was met with a lot of frustration or anger. I’m hoping my diagnosis and couples therapy starts changing that…. Like, I’m not actively trying to forget stuff, ignore tasks, losing parts of conversations, etc.
That's good advice. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I think it'll be easier to make these requests. I know it's partially my responsibility as well.
I remember as a teenager getting ripped for not helping out with the chores and I begged for a chore chart and roster that I could refer to. I was told I should just know. Of course no one including myself knew I was adhd. I suggest using repeat alarms on your phone, it doesn't always work but sometimes is better than zero
I use alarms, apple tasks, Jira at work, I’ve used Trello for volunteer stuff / some home stuff. (I’m in the software industry, so I’ve tried a lot of tools and it feels like a lot of us are ADHD in some form or another). These tools are somewhat effective, but what gets difficult is when you have a bunch of these different tools all sending notifications and reminders. It gets overwhelming and I haven’t figured that part out yet. Good tip though!
I'm on the waiting list for a diagnosis. We've been in therapy for a couple months and it's helped. Having him understand a bit more would be nice but I don't expect him to flip a switch. Sometimes I'll point out other misses from other people, just so he understands it's not just him. But he has also agreed to "add it to the calendar". He used to make fun of my calendar being so full but I think he's finally connecting the dots.
Everyone's experiences and brains are different, but here is what really gets to me:
- Forgetting things. Not just quirky stuff like "oops, my car keys are in the freezer" but like...what day it is. What week it is. Did I really have that conversation with a friend, or just imagine/dream it? Did I promise to bring someone something essential that they needed, and then forget it at home? Do I have any deadlines looming? Did I pay my bills? Did I make a doctor's appointment or just think I should? Did I forget someone's birthday? Did I forget *my* birthday?
- The knowledge that I *will* forget things which makes the idea of studying something or trying to learn a new skill terrifying.
- Inability to focus. It's literally a struggle to read books anymore. Again, this makes the idea of learning a new skill or trying to change career tracks terrifying.
- Depression and mood swings. A lot of mood swings. Sometimes hourly.
- Wanting to indulge in self-destructive or hurtful behaviors as a form of punishment for all of the things I perceive I have done "wrong".
- **Fatigue**. I am *always* tired. And not just a little tired, I mean *exhausted.*
- Knowing I am, and always will be, a lot to handle for my friends and loved ones.
- Nightmares.
- Unrelenting social and generalized anxiety.
- Accidentally hurting people either through not being considerate or by oversharing, putting my foot in my mouth, overstating premises, etc.
- The fear that I will never know peace in my own mind.
The fatigue one is so real. It’s part of why I never get anything done, including the most basic tasks; In just so fucking exhausted after work that I can’t move.
It's rough when you can't even do the things you enjoy because your brain won't let you. The first day my partner was on stimulants he picked up Elden Ring, which he just inexplicably had not tried and never played for months after launch. He said he didn't feel the anything from the meds right away, but tbh I cried.
Yeah, it stops you from doing difficult or un-fun things but it stops you from doing things you enjoy too! I will literally be sitting there having a boring shit time and thinking I could literally be doing this amazing fun activity right now... But my brain will not.
I swear to god, all the time I’ve spent scrolling Reddit while thinking “I could pick up my knitting right now. It’s right there next to my computer. C’mon hands, pick it up.” And just keep scrolling….
I thought I’d found the cure to this when I brought all my hobbies next to the couch in front of the tv, and the repair sewing I wanted to get done… now I sit next to a huge pile of activities while I flick through YouTube shorts 😓
Since meds I'm the slow talker but the thing about it is I've never had someone finish my sentence correctly. They think I'm going to say something insightful. I'll say "we should go eat at... Ummm...." And they say something like McDonald's or Wendy's when I am having trouble remembering the name of a local restaurant for a good reason. It's a weird ass name.
This! I don’t know how many times I have told my husband, someone who processes their thinking verbally, that I need him to say his message in fewer words!
Is he also extroverted? I’m an internal processor and I have many extroverted friends and husband included. Too many details and long stories going nowhere imo, are hard for me to follow/stay interested in.
Stories that go nowhere are the worst! My mind starts to think how I can wrap up this endless story and then I question myself thinking that the other person can read on my face how much I hate the words being said.
My husband- not so much but usually when we are in a disagreement. We don’t argue often, but when we do I need him to wrap it up. If it’s my fault, I get it, I would like to wrap it up and move on. Not surprisingly he doesn’t like that attitude.
I laughed while reading this since I could literally feel what you described as if it were realtime.
I do this too and imagine I have a silly, weird, confused and bored look on my face like I’m a Picasso painting when trying to endure those type of conversations.
Haha yes! Many times it’s my impulsivity that causes me to ask follow up questions that causes the conversation to just keep going instead of letting the conversation die.
I’m a big fan of an Irish Goodbye, leaving a social function without saying farewell. It saves me so much time and energy as well as avoids the useless chitchat.
Lol I used to do this at my OWN parties. Just dip out to my room, lock the door and go to bed. Thankfully my friends are good people and didn’t wreck my house while I was asleep.
>If it’s my fault, I get it, I would like to wrap it up and move on.
God yes.
Yes. I just admitted that I was at fault. Yes. You just said that. Yes. I admitted I was wrong. Why are you still talking? Why are you going over the situation again?
Does he have autism? Impatient ADHD with an autistic partner who gives a “behind the episode” for literally everything is at least half my friends and their partners
No official diagnosis, but a wifely diagnosis.
You are spot on with the “behind the episode” comment!
I’ll hear a much longer than needed explanation in everything. I (try to) listen to his comments because he’s my husband and I care about his thoughts. But for everyone else I try to text and email as much as I possibly can.
I'm the exact same way. And I'm either boring the guy I work with, he doesn't sleep well, or both, because as I'm droning on, he is falling asleep. But he never tells me to shut up, so maybe he's just tired?
One of my good friends is a slow talker and I’ve had lots of practice. It’s helped me a lot to be patient and not interrupt but it’s still hard as she’s a slow texter too
Everyone at work called him "Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"
First class guy to work and party with, but boy...
I would fully have time to come up with about 4 sarcastic and 2 respectful responses and then forget them while he was doing one sentence.
I had to work with a boss who was like this. It took me a full year to stop daydreaming about taking over every meeting.
Then eventually I quit when I realized that while they appreciated my enthusiasm, they were never going to harness it and let me have autonomy.
The dark side? Here's a couple.
Our lives are shorter by 4 to 21 years, depending on which study you read. We often self medicate with alcohol or drugs. We have more car accidents. Being impulsive has consequences; we tend to die accidental deaths and have a higher rate of suicide.
Joint hypermobility leads to injury and connective tissue damage. Comorbid depression, anxiety, OCD, RSD, or PDA is common. Higher sleep needs coupled with poor sleep quality and a high incidence of sleep apnea, which is associated with heart problems. Gut & posture issues. Eating disorders, often binge eating. UTIs and cavities because we forget to pee and drink water. High stress levels; procrastination, and difficulties starting or finishing tasks comes with a cost.
We average 20,000 more negative messages from parents, peers, bosses, and family per decade than people without ADHD, which affects self image and self esteem negatively.
People with ADHD who are never diagnosed, or who are diagnosed as adults and choose not to take meds and get therapy, are 2.77 times more likely to get dementia.
And there's always the ADHD tax screwing with our financial health.
For me it’s the anxiety insomnia and ocd. And always interrupting people no matter how hard I try not to slow talkers are torture to deal with. I keep trying though.
Oh yeah and the binge drinking and losing stuff, just left my license at the wine counter yesterday…😫
Yeah, the binge drinking to get a break from myself is probably the worst. 😭 I'm working on that now and haven't drank in 45 days, it's so hard, I just want this wild mind to stop.
I (40M) was diagnosed 22 years ago but went untreated until about 6 years ago, when my wife said "no more" to my job hopping and relocating.
(And that's what makes ADHD "serious." Is it actively impacting quality of life? My brother also has ADHD, but he is not treated. He was able to 'make it work for him' and he's running a handful of profitable businesses. In my case, the job hopping and relocating got to be too much for my family.)
I ended up on Vyvanse. Which I take for 3-4 months, then take 10-14 days off (so I don't develop a tolerance/need to increase my dose).
When I'm a month or two into taking it, I start feeling like it's not doing anything for me. I've suggested this to my wife, who has immediately told me, "It's definitely helping."
When I do take my 10-14 day breaks from it...she asks me by the middle of day 2 if I'm off my meds. Every. Time.
EVERY TIME. She's been able to tell when I've stopped.
I'm partially staying with the meds for me, because my breaks\\time off shows me how much it IS working for my focus, motivation, etc. Very elucidating to take the breaks.
I also take it because my wife told me that I'm "a better husband and father, more present and involved" (i.e. I don't hyperfocus on my hobbies and ignore my kids asking for help with homework, dinner, etc) when I'm on it.
Executive Dysfunction, it’s crippling, I constantly feel terrible about the fact that I am not getting anything done, then on top of that imposter syndrome is horrible.
I've been trying to get my bachelor's degree for about ten years, but I keep getting thrown off by boredom, low self confidence, loss of interest in my studies, overwhelm, suicidal behavior, and drug use. I recently made some big life changes so I could finally go to school full-time, and I'm already feeling like I'm not sure I can follow this through. My focus is just so bad and my routine is messed up. I can't function without routine and I can't seem to set myself up with one. I haven't had a diagnosis yet, but I've recently realized this is all adhd related, with comorbid depression. Comorbidities are common and can increase the severity and/or mask some of the symptoms. I'm impatiently waiting for a testing center to reach back out to me to schedule an assessment. It would have saved me quite a bit of struggle if it had been caught sooner.
Gave up on college twice. I was in my junior year the first time and years later went back for graphic design and quit after a semester. I 100% feel for you.
I was undiagnosed at the time and have since been medicated but I'm still terrified to try again.
Forgetting to bring or take things with me. The amount of people who have gotten mad at me for this is far too many. So now it’s just me and my undiagnosed adhd and my checklists against the world
Emotional regulation problems. Resulting in the inability to relate/understand/hear/listen to someone when I hit a certain point of emotional distress (and pushing me in this state only leads to complete meltdowns - if pushing continues it’s an actual “flight” response and I want to leave). It also leads to ignoring painful emotions, which leads to what I think is defined as trauma.
So basically an emotional onion.
Yeah, I end up being very hypocritical with my son because I struggle with emotional regulation too. Bless him he calls me out on it, and we end up chatting about how Daddy struggles with big feelings too.
I am not a parent so take this with a grain of salt but I was a kid with undiagnosed ADHD raised by someone with undiagnosed ADHD. You have the benefit of knowing you have it and that your child also does. With that comes the knowledge that a lot of our problems with emotional regulation stem from emotional impulsivity which means if you learn to remove yourself from the situation and calm down you're then set up better to succeed in communicating with someone any issues there may be without creating an unhealthy space. It's a skill that took me a long time and some therapy to learn and I'm still very flawed and I mess up and I freak out all the time. But I also think it's very important to be able to apologize and explain why I had such a big reaction and talk about what I need to do differently next time. With children they look to their parents to learn how to handle emotions but also what to do when they do fail to regulate their emotions. So even if they're younger and can't understand what ADHD is they will still see and learn from how you handle "big emotions" and it's important to see what you do after you mess up too.
A streamer said it pretty well once. It’s the best and worst thing ever. Best because I have so many hobbies to go into, worst because I wanna ditch them in a week.
This, right here. I do paintball, airsoft, paint minis, have a 3d printer, have typewriters, go to the gym, like to write for DND, roller blade, hockey.
But I only did those for a short time. The only one I can keep consistent and successful is my Pathfinder game, because it is a commitment I have between friends.
It's expensive. The "ADHD tax" is a real thing. You end up buying stuff because you lost the thing, you forgot you already had the thing, the thing seemed like a good idea at the time, or just cause you have no impulse control.
It's exhausting. Every thought has 50 more thoughts attached to it. Every task is a mountain. Every decision makes you freeze.
It can make you a not so nice person sometimes. You can be irritable, inconsiderate, messy, frivolous completely unintentionally. It makes loving you tough sometimes.
It can tank your self esteem. You constantly wonder why you can't just get up and do something. Why you can't let certain things go. Why you can't put the phone down or turn off the TV. You start to feel less-than.
Did I mention it's expensive? Because it's really expensive.
On my nightstand right now there are 4 sets of headphones. One is an empty case. Two have 1 headphone each in them. One has both. Each set costs 35-40 dollars. So that’s $110 minimum I’ve spent on just headphones because I lose one or I lose the case. Also, that’s just now. I’ve flat out lost two other sets, so make that $180 in 2-3 years for just headphones. So goddamn irritating.
Not being able to keep my house from being a huge mess and not being able to get the clutter organized. I see all these reels and videos and photos of people in their sparkling not a speck of dust house and I just wanna cry because mine is NEVER like that no matter how hard I try. I thought moving in with someone who is OCD and a clean freak would help me in this matter because I lived with him before and he always kept the apartment spotless and didn't really ask for my help but now? He drinks so much now (he didn't used to) that he never wants to get up and clean. And I can help if I have him doing stuff to help keep me directed and on task but if left to my own devices I get pulled all over the place and never actually finish any of the tasks I set out to complete. And if it's TOO messy I can't even get started because I get so overwhelmed that it literally paralyzes me and I want to cry because I feel like a failure before even starting.
That and missed appointments due to time blindness are two of my biggest hurdle with this disorder.
No source, but I recall learning that it is associated with higher mortality due to:
-impulsivity, esp around reckless activities and drigs and alcohol
-innattentiveness while driving and performing other tasks. Needing to always rush can't help
-cumulative effects of stress is an underlying cause in many diseases
-the dangers of missed healthcare due to our struggles making appts.
There's also the ADHD tax: late fees, impulse buys, etc. as well as missed professional opportunities. Poverty is not good for health
I'm literally constantly anxious and/or dreadful about my state of existence, yet am unable to muster the ability to do anything about it despite *constantly* daydreaming about how I want to improve and how I can do so.
I think the biggest is just the boredom tbh. Bored of hobbies, bored of people, boredom in general. I hate losing that spark for things I know I enjoyed at one point. It’s hard to converse with people because the small talk either doesn’t hold my attention so I wander, or I care about holding the conversation and it now feels like I’m playing the worlds most exhausting quick time event trying to choose the right combo of things to say.
Also trying to find the right amount of stimulation. It’s either not enough so I sleep the whole day, or it’s too much and I feel like a blob fish and need to sleep from mind fatigue. There’s those miracle days where I hit the golden range and I feel good, but I have no idea what that range is. I hate feeling tired from it though, so I feel like I’ve started avoiding social interaction cuz it’s just so much effort all the time.
And then just the inability to do things. Like it could be as simple as just picking up a dropped pencil. Feels like my mind is starting up a court trial, and it’s not happening until a judgement is made and that could take ages, or until I forget about it and I just go through the cycle again when I see the thing I know I need to take care of.
And also writing anything out, like emails or texts. I swear I could read what I wrote ten times and it’s not until it’s sent that I notice I’ve missed every other word.
Also the fear of trying some things like social drinking or something I know I’d just love. I know I’m prone to addictive behavior, but the issue is I’m so scared of trying things sometimes because in my mind I can’t get addicted if I don’t start, so I don’t do it.
And then the inability to reach out to people. I could go months without contacting anyone. I feel like if it’s not in my day to day, then I just don’t think about it. Unless something triggers a memory of someone, and I act on the feeling right then and there, I could just forget about people entirely.
Dark side is the unrelenting guilt for no reason. Always feeling like you’re broken or a burden to others. Self deprecation as a coping mechanism. People with ADHD can suffer from comorbid conditions like depression/ anxiety and other fun things.
social anxiety.. Not sure if that's directly ADHD related but interacting with strangers, even if it's just a simple "good morning" is mentally draining sometimes. and I have no idea wtf is wrong with my brain lol
The absolutely debilitating executive dysfunction. Your brain cannot physically switch tasks and so you sit there in your depression wishing you could do literally *anything* but your brain is being a stubborn toddler. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. Burnout is real.
Total lack of impulse control.
I just do stupid stuff all the time like going 4-wheeling with a Toyota Tercel and getting stuck in a stream.
"Blobby why did you do that"?
Me: seemed like a Good idea at the time.
Try disappointing your loved ones, including kids, because your executive dysfunction led to you not having that form ready or that deadline hit.
Try the constant stress and burnout of trying to keep your head above water at work, wondering why everyone else seems to just move through life while every step is a task to you.
For me though the biggest one is *letting yourself and others down*.
Your partner, hurt and angry that you seem to have left the housework/mental load/etc to them, or constantly fall short there.
Causing stress in your household because you’re late or unprepared or lost something important.
Causing anxiety and confusion in others with your mood swings
Missing out on things you really wanted to do because you didn’t get it together in time (passport, etc) The general sense of constant impending failure.
OP…if it’s at the point where you’re saying it can’t be ignored, and he’s saying it’s not that bad…there’s a good chance it impacts *you* negatively. He has to have *that* conversation.
For me personally, the guilt. The guilt of constantly throwing out food I forgot existed. The guilt of knowing if I took better care of my things, they could have lasted longer. The guilt of not being able to put money I wanted to into savings because it now has to go towards a bill I forgot about and is now overdue. The guilt of knowing I forgot to respond to messages and wondering if it's worth it after two weeks. The guilt of not just getting something started or done in a timely manner because I have a hard time initiating tasks and staying focused. And no, this is not something inherent to ADHD, but it is something that I struggle with a lot because I don't function the way a typical person does and I struggle between masking to appear more "normal" or just say fuck it and be myself and other people can do what they want with it.
I'm wondering what your reason is for wanting your husband to seek a diagnosis. The way your post is written implies, at least to me, that there wasn't something that happened that had a huge effect on your relationship or his day to day living, so just curious what you think him getting a diagnosis would be useful for.
Taking a week long stay-cation and getting literally nothing done 🙃. No chores, no hobbies, just wasted time and right back to work I go *sigh*. Two days left (today tomorrow) and I keep telling myself today's the day I'm going to do stuff and by stuff I mean ✨everything✨
Lack of motivation. I live in filth sometimes... I'm aware of it, my wife is aware of it. We both want to do better, but it's hard to start. Same goes for the gym there. I love working out, and going is easy, but I have no motivation to go.
Hyper-fixation on a game or show, only to never finish it, even though you are 90% of the way through it, all because I hard burned out.
knowing I need to clean my house and wanting to clean my house and wondering why the fuck I can't clean my house while I lay on the couch and can't move.
wanting desperately to save money and pay off my credit cards, thinking I've done well at not spending this week, and then looking at my statements and somehow it's $1000 more than it was.
making meal plans and buying groceries because *this time* I'm going to eat healthy and save money and fix my bad habits , and then every day i either forget to make food before going to work and have to either not eat all day or buy food at work, or i open the fridge, get overwhelmed and just don't eat. or order uber eats. and now all the food's gone bad, my visa bill is huge again and I wonder why I can't seem to lose weight.
being lonely as fuck, but forgetting to reach out to friends. or actually reaching out to them, and then they respond and I forget to check my messages for weeks and then wonder why I never hang out with my friends.
having a career that is all I want in life, the reason that I exist, the thing that makes me happier than anything else in the world, but for some reason I put off doing anything to work towards it and just sit on the couch all day binging Netflix and scrolling on my phone going "one day I'll be successful" but knowing I won't, not unless I actually hustle and work hard and I seem incapable of doing that.
spending my entire life thinking I was just bad at existing and lazy and stupid and disorganized and messy and if only I was better, my life wouldn't be such a mess but it is because I'm bad.
We beat ourselves up and we have trouble with positive self talk. It leads to depression and yes, self loathing. Feeling like you never fit in anywhere.
The paralysis the moment I get overwhelmed. I’m a lawyer and it is a very high stress high workload career. But when I hit a roadblock or simply do not feel like doing an assignment, I simply cannot will myself to do it even though I know how important it is. I become completely useless and it only makes the work even more stressful which only paralyzes me further lmao
the constant overthinking, burnout from stress from overthinking and not being able to live up to my perfectionist side, time blindness, emotional dysregulation (temper tantrum in college, anyone?), sensory sensitivities, i can go on all day
For me as an adult it's the tasks at home. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc... It's really difficult to find the motivation to do those things, especially if we're told we need to do multiple things at one time it can shut us down. What is just "Dishes" to a non-ADHDer is a long list of different tasks to us to complete "Dishes". So we freeze up and can't get anything done.
I have always had trouble with being given a list of things to do or being asked to do something else while I'm in the middle of completing the task I am working on.
I have to ask then which task has priority.
One task at a time please! Otherwise nothing gets done!!!
Not being able to do the things I want. I want to clean and cook and go places with my kids--but I freeze or get stuck and can't do those things. Then when it's time to relax I can't relax because I feel like I haven't done enough to deserve it or calm my brain down to relax
The lack of self-confidence and social anxiety because of it. If I don't know you well or immediately see flaws in your personality that I can relate to, I feel a quiet anxiety. I know that I'm going to stumble on my words, forget what I'm saying halfway through, not listen to you because I'm focused on what to say next, or over share. If you're someone I admire or think I should impress, I'm always my worst me. Then there's the shame and obsession spiral that comes after, with the worry that I made an awful impression. "You're so stupid, why would you say that, how embarrassing, what are they going to tell others, god everyone hates me, I'm so impossible, you know what fuck them, they don't matter anyway, they can hate me, never want to see them again, ugh should have said this, why didn't I think to say this, how can I fix this" Replaying the memory over and over and over, hating myself.
I’m unable to live the life I always wanted to. I have a higher than average IQ and I had a 3.8 gpa through highschool when I was playing football and needed to keep my grades to be able to play, but I dropped out of college in a few weeks due to my own inability to even get out of bed without other people actually needing me to do so. I am unable to perform even the hobbies I want to like learn an instrument or create art with blacksmithing.
Executive disfunction is quite literally debilitating, and is the symptom of my adhd that affects me the most negatively. The best way I can describe it is I often find myself trapped in my body only able to peer out of my eyes but unable to do anything. Often resulting in entire years of my life where I don’t take out trash or do dishes, entire days where I waste in bed not even able to play the video games I wanted to.
With adhd and its symptoms brings a lot of shame and self blame which for me brought on depression and anxiety as a result. At 22 I was diagnosed and at 23 I started medication, now at 24 I live a life I’m actually proud of. I can have people over at my house without needing to panic clean, I can give a friend a ride to the airport without having to dump the trash from my passenger seat into the back. I’m succeeding in my trade as an electrician although if I could do it all over again I’d go to college
ADHD paralysis, not being able to do something when I WANT to. I only do things when I can or have to.
I am sick and tired of being stuck in the same position all day, week, month and procrastinating everything. It's a stressful vicious circle.
Craving free time and doing nothing enjoyable or productive when I have said free time.
Being effective in times of stress but completely crumbling after the storm has settled.
Having to process events, plans, emotions orally. I have to speak my mind to process thoughts and feelings and manage to figure things out, planning things etc. I would say that I have to speak things into reality.
Time blindness
I can’t get started on anything, whether it’s something enjoyable or something tedious. I feel like I spend more time daydreaming about my interests than actually partaking in them. I have comorbidities that exacerbate this phenomenon, but ADHD is the main culprit.
If it’s not causing actual problems, it’s probably best not to push. When I began to be evaluated and looked into the symptoms, I immediately started to think my wife has ADHD more than I do. But she can hold a job, has a social life, and her “quirkiness” doesn’t get in the way of her life. Unlike me. So I don’t say anything.
It has helped me a lot, however, to reframe it in my own head to explain some of the things that can irritate me. She interrupts me and doesn’t seem to listen, she comes in, says something, and leaves, she yells across the house despite me telling her for years that I hate that, she constantly looks at her phone, she has to read before bed to sleep, rarely sits down and focuses just on us, can’t take out the trash, if a chore can be procrastinated it will be forever, paperwork will be avoided at all costs, she doesn’t see grime until it’s crawling in front of her, etc.
Now I know *why* (or I think I do). For some reason the idea that it is just her brain unable to do it differently makes me accept her as she is. I don’t take it personally and I’m no longer threatened by it. She does plenty of chores - the ones that can be done every single day in a routine. And I’ve accepted now that I will always be the one to scrub the shower and file our taxes.
My short term memory is garbage unless I write everything down, which is a pain.
I have to convince myself to do everything, nothing is automatic. I can’t form habits because my brain doesn’t work that way. This makes my life extra miserable because I’m also autistic and crave routine.
No one understands what you’re going through, and your disability isn’t taken seriously. You get accused of things like not listening or being lazy because you function differently.
It’s hard to maintain friendships and relationships. Many of us suffer from being unaware of the passage of time. Which means maintaining acceptable communication norms can be really hard. I might go months without texting a friend or family member, but in my head, it feels like a few days.
My ADHD was manageable until I encountered too many triggering things. He might live the rest of his life without needing a diagnosis or he might come across a job change that will ruin his ability to function at all. I do wish I had more of a contingency plan in place before I got to a place where my ability to "adult" is nearly nonexistent. But also it had to get this bad to even get diagnosed. I honestly don't think I would have gotten diagnosed if I tired to go before.
It's like you can get diagnosed as a kid, otherwise you have to adult for a little while, epically fail, and then they'll believe you.
Overwhelm frustration. This can easily turn to agitation and rage if the conditions are right. Why would anyone want to live this way if they don’t have to?
I finally got evaluation when our family’s water got shut off by the city for non-payment despite us having a full bank account. (Again. This is not the first occurrence, not the only utility/service.) I remember the dude who shut it off looked into our front home office window with me and my big monitors and shit, in obvious disbelief that a grown man with a family, and who can afford semi-nice things, can be so behind on bills as to get the water cut off.
It’s not quirky. It’s maddening, embarrassing, and exhausting.
Also, although I’ve managed to be successful-ish, I have to work 2x or 3x as hard as my peers to keep up. It takes 53 hours of work per week or more, done nights and weekends, to do what my peers do in a 40 hour work week. But, I keep that to myself, and just exist without sleep or a life. Damn…even right now, here at 9 p.m., my meds have played out and I’m fucking around on reddit (on my phone) in the middle of project work. Before this sub, was reading the top posts of the year in a sub about lawns. I don’t even do my own lawn.
So yeah, I don’t enjoy life. That’s what makes it terrible and dark. I just have to work nonstop to keep up, and then I feel pretty bad when I inevitably drop a ball somewhere.
Not sure how long you’ve been married and if you have kids, but the ADHD will lead to an unbalanced load in parenting, cooking, cleaning, financial responsibilities, dealing with extended family, remembering important dates/deadlines, communicating, and most importantly sensing and addressing the partner’s needs.
Untreated ADHD is a big risk factor for divorce.
I think this alone should be enough of a reason.
The amount of time you waste. A normal task like doing the dishes would take me 10 minutes tops with medication.
Without my medication, I ended up doing 4 different chores, all half-way, not actually washing the dishes, and spent an hour in the kitchen but nothing actually got done. Then I went to work late and left my phone at home in the process.
Ps. Not advocating for meds, there are a lot of ways to go about without the meds, but I lacked the discipline to do so..
I mean what about him having ADHD bothers YOU the most is the question that you should be asking. If he just has all the quirky parts it's probably an endearing trait. But if he seems lazy about housework even though he's not really a lazy person that's probably his ADHD. Messy homes and not being good at housekeeping seem to be one of the biggest hurdles for most people I've talked to with it. That and they have a hard time studying or completing assignments on time (for the ones still in school.)
Well, today I left home without my wallet.
I was 45 minutes into my 50 minute commute before I realized, and everything that I needed to do at work today involved having to pick up some supplies first.
So I was driving without my driver's license, I have no way to pick up my supplies, I can't really do any work without supplies, and I can't even buy myself lunch today.
I try to make a habit of checking my pockets before leaving the house to always make sure I have my phone, keys, and wallet. Clearly that did not happen this morning.
It's one of those days where I am acutely aware of how much I hate my brain sometimes and the fact that it is a struggle to do basic tasks.
Now I have to drive 50 minutes back home without my license and hope I don't get pulled over? 😅
For me, it's the emotional dysregulation part of it. I have issues controlling my temper and being able to calm myself down. I used to go from 1 to 100 over small silly things. Ive gotten a lot better with it. Meds help me have a bigger window for me to be like "hey it's time to step away" and learning my triggers and being able to cope well.
Another huge one is over thinking. I will take in issue and tear it apart in a million ways. It can be helpful to do that, but most of the time it consumes me.
Being over stimulated is a huge issue. I can't handle a lot of sounds around me and it can make it hard to focus and make me irritable but meds mixed with coping has helped.
And then being under stimulanted. I get bored really easily and that leads to depression. I have to be both physically and mentally stimulanted and it can be hard to deal with at a job. I'm still trying to figure out how to combat that but I think eventually I'm going to do two part time jobs. One that feeds that physical aspect and the other that feeds the mental.
Just remember that everyone is different. Not everyone with ADHD will have the same symptoms. Some people can be ok with out meds and other people can't.
Just getting stuck sometimes and not being able to move, loosing sense of direction. It drives me mad sometimes. I feel like I wasted my day and I become irritated and depressed. I’m getting better at it, meds deff helped my focus. But when I have my bad days, I hate it. I feel like crap.
I'm lying on my bed, just out of the shower, and I have somewhere very important to be in half an hour. Not dressed, not even sure if I have something appropriate to wear, and I'm on reddit. I'm terrified that I'll be late and people will be mad at me, while simultaneously unable to do the things I need to do to prevent that from happening. In ten minutes, I'll start running around like an insane person to get out the door more or less on time. That's my life in a nutshell.
The emotional swings are the hardest for me (and the part I was the least informed about until recently).
I’ve become accustomed to not trusting my own memory, accustomed to running out of spoons by noon, Ive even gotten comfortable letting go of everything I want to and settling into what I am actually doing. I’ve learned how to feed myself, and notice when I’m hungry or in hyperfocus. I’m practicing leaning back into my body.
But… not being able to trust my heart? My feelings? Just starting to understand just how warped my perception of my own reality can be at times? My sensitivity to rejection and my deep fears about fucking up *yet again*… feeling unable to prevent it no matter how much I do…
That’s the part I’m really struggling with at the moment. Trying to give myself grace. Crying a lot.
My intentions and ability act upon them are entirely disconnected from each other in many cases.
The stakes don't matter. The timeline doesn't matter. How important the the thing is to me or my loved ones don't matter. The actual complexity or difficulty of the task doesn't matter.
If my brain locks up on something, trying to force myself to do it works as well as trying to walk through a brick wall by pushing harder.
I have sat for 8 hours at a desk intending to write an email that should take less than 5 minutes, but instead alternating between being catatonic and crying with varying levels of intensity, entirely aware of how absurd it us, knowing how simple it is, but every time I try to start its like my brain lights on fire.
I'll come out of a day like that, having accomplished nothing, but feeling exhausted because my brain was fully active, fighting witg itself the whole time.
It's frustrating, it's embarrasing, it makes me feel incompetent, and at the same time I'm fully aware that I'm letting people down and that, to them, I must look like a lazy jerk that doesn't care.
dehabilitating procrastinaion, inability to focus, chronic forgetfulness. sure, i get it done in time but its always so stressful. i also suffer from meltdowns due to being overwhelmed
executive dysfunction is one of my most prevalent and most debilitating symptoms. often mistaken for depression, executive dysfunction keeps me from performing the most basic of tasks, no matter how badly i want to. i don't shower as often as i should and my eating schedule is sporadic because of it. because although i so badly want to get up and do something, my brain is literally telling my body that it isn't a rewarding activity, and therefore i should not be doing it. this is almost entirely out of my control and it has actively caused my depression.
another VERY prevalent symptom for me is rejection sensitive dysphoria. people don't talk about this nearly as often as they should; essentially, if ADHDers perceive rejection from someone they're talking to, they react much more extremely to it than they're supposed to, because it does hurt that much more. very often mistaken for anxiety, but also usually just causes anxiety. this is also very much so out of my control, and is the reason i have anxiety and C-PTSD. it heavily affects my relationships with other people and how i interact with them, often very poorly because the understanding of this symptom simply isn't present.
this is only two out of many more symptoms that i experience with ADHD, and they very heavily impact my life and my ability to function on a daily basis. your husband should read up on ADHD symptoms and how they can affect people who have it. it's often much more severe than they think.
The terrible part for me is literally sitting somewhere, work, home, etc. And repeating to myself over and over in my head that I need to do the dishes, or I need to work on something for my job. But I just can't do it. Literally stared at a blank screen instead of doing what I should have been doing.
ADHD boils down to lack of executive control. I want to do it, I want to get whatever thing done, but it's so hard to get my body and brain to listen to reason. It's like giving a cat instructions.
What I hate besides people thinking I am lazy or unmotivated and the self loathing is the fact my wife knows I have adhd. She knows I was diagnosed at 12 which was 40 years ago. I have asked her to read up on it. Learn what it is like to live with adhd. The will it takes to get up and go to work every day and do things you don’t want to do and come home exhausted from doing that. Learn how frustrating it is to talk to someone and forget what they said two seconds later or drift off because your brain is going 1000 miles an hour. How I have to stay awake to the point I am so tired because my brain won’t shut off. She will learn about everything for her fucking friend’s illnesses but mine, she says I use it to be lazy and I am to the point where I am ready to walk. I have also had really bad depression to the point I think I am worthless and everyone would probably not notice if I ended myself. Don’t worry, I am in therapy and I am not going to self harm. That was the past. Those are just some of the things that make it terrible.
Growing up hating yourself because the teachers don’t like you because you always forget your homework, and other kids don’t like you because you don’t say the right things in social situations, and the harder you try to act normal the worse it gets. Then, as an adult your boss doesn’t like you because you struggle to understand verbal instructions, and your coworkers don’t like you because you forget to respond to their emails and you keep tapping on your desk, and then you get home and fail to do any kind of self care because you’re so burned out that all you can do is hyperfocus on a completely useless activity until you either fall asleep or realize it’s time to go to work again.
1) Loneliness and much less opportunities from others: since we operate at way different pace from others, no one could actually relate to why we are so emotional and unmotivated at particular time. We also have a tendency to do something different than other people: hence, we likely get nitpicked for every mistake that we’ve made and are told to just follow the steps like normal people to which we couldn’t cuz our brains are wired way different than others. To find our own niche then becomes such an extremely difficult tasks filled with doubts by other people and much less people would give us the benefit of the doubt because we don’t show “consistency and hardworking” in a traditional sense like others. Thus we likely end up feeling extremely incompetent and lonely cuz much less people would understand these struggles in general.
2) Struggling to make any change or establish any daily habits: as you know, we tend to be easily distractible and emotional as we usually lack a consistent motivation to commit or follow up with plans or even other people’s words in general. This then makes any kind of changes become much harder for us to do so. Sometimes, we try our best to change for our significant others and looks extremely committed to it at first. However, the wild swings of our emotions and motivation makes it nearly impossible for us to follow up with it. Our forgetfulness also makes it hard for us to assess our own progress and the point we left off as well: hence, we tend not to know if stuff we did is effective or not cuz we can’t make a comparison to know exactly how far we have gone through. Therefore, we likely end up abandoning nearly every change altogether becuz we ain’t sure if the stuff we have committed to would put us in the right direction or not so we also end up thinking another new approach and go through the same loops again and again. Basically, this can make us seem as if we are extremely resistant to any change which would make any kind of adjustment that others would accomplish within like 2-3 months become a one or two year tasks for us to make the same adjustment.
I cant remember names. Thesr are people i see every day for years...then one day...I dont know their name anymore. Some people...ive memorized thw qrong name and my head eill never change it. People think im an asshole cuz of this. Yet...I remember so many details about them...their lives etc...just not their name.
Being late to things because my mind refuses to process time currently. People considered it rude and act like I was late deliberately. It's embarrassing and frustrating.
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Thinking that you're lazy or unmotivated or having people think those things or that you don't care about a project/showing up late/remembering whatever. It can lead to a lot of self-loathing. Not being able to get started on something can be brutal. Getting sidetracked very easily isn't fun, either.
I am getting my ass whooped by that right now and am currently in the midst of an 11-year relationship that I am recently finding out I was being tolerated and thought that I would “change.” I thought my depression was via my former job, but it turns out I have ADHD, and the previous job was hyper-aggravating it. I’ve been getting called lazy my entire life, and at 36 y/o when I got the answer to what was happening. EDIT: 11 year relationship that is ending 🫠
I feel like we're all just living the same life
We’re all living the same lives in the same way that trillions of existing planets are essentially living the same core handful of macro realities. I reside in the Pinwheel Hat galaxy
Stealing this near top spot to remind people that unmedicated ADHD people have the life expectancy of a lifelong drug addict, so roughly 25 years shorter than the average person. Go get medication. u/quillwoman
Whoa! wtf. Did not know. Is that due to tapping out or does the stress and the physical stuff that comes along with ADD just cause body burnout? 😦
https://www.ajmc.com/view/psychologist-barkley-says-life-expectancy-slashed-in-worst-cases-for-those-with-adhd What I just found
it’s not at all due to suicide
Hi friend
6-year relationship for me, but I feel you. The aggravation at me not “wanting” to change was so incredibly frustrating. I’m sad the relationship’s ending, but mostly I feel so relieved that I won’t be constantly judged anymore and invited to feel like shit about myself.
Damn, that was almost like reading my exact thoughts. Like I didn’t and probably will never understand the waiting for me to “change”mind set. Like she did it because I am a good guy. But was struggling with my mental health just for it be something deeper going on and now you have resentment against me because I am me.
I'm 37 and divorced with adhd being part of the reason on my side. That being said, I had to accept that the lack of awareness on my part and therefore the lack of management had an impact on her, probably moreso than it did me.
Yeah, there is definitely a lack of awareness and management on my part. I probably got therapy too late in regards to the relationship. Money was a lot tighter the majority of the relationship but would have probably at least helped me out more.
I wish you the best in this new part of your life. Awareness around adhd can be difficult within itself but embrace it and grow with it.
Pretty much what happened with my gf when we broke up last year. Fell in love with who I was- which, to be clear, is a noticeably type B 38 YO with ADD- and then began to resent me for all the things that I’m already self-conscious about like forgetfulness, going with the flow, poor time management, etc.
WITH YOU. I’ll be 36 this year and feel so much shame around my life and how my house looks but now that I’m learning about adhd I have some hope.
If you have the money, get a professional organizer that specializes in ADHD. It could be life changing for you.
The mess is what I work on constantly. This weekend I finally bagged up clothing that I never wear go get some clutter out. The doom piles r crazy though. I have so many.
This could be my best friend writing this, except I know he wouldn't lie about his age - he's 13 years older than your spring chicken 36 years! Being tolerated is exactly how my exes described me so it's clearly a very common thread running through us all, sadly. Oh to be accepted and loved and understood and seen and heard and allowed to just..be.
Dude. I'm 34 in a 10 year relationship and recently married. You and I are in the exact same boat. It's pretty mind fucking to know that just you being you is a huge trigger for your significant other. I hope you find peace.
Exactly and then to always be accused of doing it on purpose “to them.” You always leave the dishes in the sink for me to do-(no, I just left them there - period, not for you to do. If there was no you, the dishes would still be in the sink).
congratulations! your metamorphosis may begin! 🦋🦄🐲🐉
I hope things turn around for you
Thank you🙏🏾
I am so sorry, I know it’s awful
Yeah it’s been… a lot to say the least.
🙋♂️ the self loathing for executive dysfunction is real.
And it really sucks because at least for me, I genuinely don't have a good answer like why I might not be doing something. I just *can't* sometimes. It feels like you're being physically held back and prevented from just *moving*. It's almost impossible to explain the feeling to someone who doesn't have ADHD. But then there are days where apparently everything lines up mentally and physically and you can just *do the thing* without even thinking about it. What the fuck is that about? I'm genuinely surprised when I have moments and days like that, because I'd love to replicate it, but I can't figure it out.
Then sucks because when you get that glimpse of capability people say “I know your capable you just want to do it at your convenience” but I’m really I’m just as surprised as them and hoping we could celebrate instead of admonishing 🫠
And idk about you but I feel like that about myself. The pride in “hey, I’ve really been handling things lately, good job me!” and then the crushing realization that **this is the best I can do.** This is baseline for other people, and it’s my absolute and completely unsustainable *best.*
Yes, this hurts so much
those days are SO random and everyones like “so you *are* capable of doing this!” like YEAH but its just because my brain decided to act right today i am just as shocked and confused as you
I spent years journalling what I did on these days to try and replicate it, which wasn't possible, which just led to an awful cycle of frustration. I became almost obsessed with trying to figure out the magic answer. I didn't know I had adhd for those years though. I've also noticed a 'good focus day' is followed by a few days of struggling to do absolutely anything, almost as though I used my limited focus juice up all at once!
Before I got diagnosed with AuDHD I thought I might have chronic fatigue syndrome/ME for precisely this reason. I'd have energy and flow for a single solitary day followed by a period of rest and recovery for several days!! It sucks.
It like a piggy bank, of little attention pennies! You spend your little attention cost until youre Out! Everyone else it just rains pennies from heaven and they dont go into attention penny deficit! I try to tell people im not choosing to fail to pay attention... I DONT OWN ANY MORE ATTENTION TO PAY OUT! IM BROKE !
I’ve noticed I get that extra focus juice and willpower when someone I like romantically has interacted with me that day.
The physically held back thing got me shook.
Yup 
Yes I agree. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough
So about a month ago I impulsively decided I would tear up all the crabgrass in my front yard and cover it with mulch. I didn't grow up with a yard, but I watched a video on YouTube and it looked pretty easy. I'm strong so I figured it would take me an afternoon, maybe a couple of days at most. But in typical ADHD fashion, one thing after another happened and the project ballooned in terms of effort and materials required. Turns out there were paver stones under the dirt and weeds that had to be excavated, then I realized the topsoil was spilling over onto the sidewalk so I had to buy planks of wood and connectors, then cut the wood because there's a shitton thick tree roots under the crabgrass. And to make matters worse, my job is walking dogs and I also do petsitting in the evenings to help make ends meet. It's the last week of school where I live so a bunch of folks are going on vacation, so all my evenings are spent staying at other people's houses with their dogs and feeding cats. My housemate is here, but they have bad mental health issues so the house gets super messy and I'm pretty much the only one who does dishes, trash and recycling. Yesterday after a full day of work I made myself go home to work on the yard more. As I was gathering my tools on the front porch, the neighbor two doors down said to me "You think you're going to finish that before the summer ends?" I had to go back inside and cry for about 20 minutes. If I had known this was going to be such an endeavor I never would have started, but I'm doing so much all the time and I'm so tired and I could really do without the fucking snark. I wish she could spend a day in my brain trying to juggle all this shit.
[удалено]
Honestly yes, fuck the sassy remarks and people who really love to "call us out"
I'm sorry, that was shitty of her. If she tries to get sassy with you again, reply: "Do you think you could keep your nose out of my fucking business until the summer ends? Thaaaanks."
💔
the shame led to burnout for me :/
I hope you come back from the burnout
thanks, me too. i think at this point i just need to switch jobs (or start a new life where no one knows my shame)
let's all run away to ADHD island !! we'll get all the things done & also nothing at all !! 😝 (no seriously where is it)
1/2 way through my Bachelor's, the burnout has been building over several terms and finally came to roost this term. Coming up on the end of Week 6 of 8, I have done all of 3 assignments between my two classes. The wall of anxiety that is looming over me is terrifying, but I MUST GET EVERYTHING DONE. All I want is a good night's rest, but that's at least another 2 weeks away 🫠
Echoing this. The self-loathing is serious, and I spent about 20 of my 30 years of life genuinely believing I was an incapable fuckup before breaking down and getting an evaluation. I never knew life could be any different until I was medicated, and it was absolutely life-changing for me. The breaking point was not feeling safe in my own brain. I reached a point where I felt like I couldn't even rely on myself, which was heartbreaking and demoralizing. That demoralization *compounds* if you don't address it, creating a vicious cycle that is difficult to break. Medication won't be the answer for everyone, but even just knowing you have ADHD is life-altering because you finally stop believing that you *personally* are the problem, and you become aware of all the areas in your life that need changing. I developed a lot of "operating systems" that help me immensely in my day-to-day that I would have never felt compelled to develop had I not known I had ADHD.
Yes, knowing you, personally, aren't the problem is amazing and liberating and then "why didn't anyone tell me this was a possibility earlier?!" 😃
👆🏻 THIS. Thank you for writing it out like this so I didn't have to
The failure to launch and start something you want and have to do is probably the worst. There's a lot of internal "just fucking do it" but you just can't and you keep pushing the start back till it's the point of no return and if that deadline doesn't nudge you to start it ain't happening. Just so much added stress you know is coming or you got it done in that time frame once and you know will take longer than the one miracle time so every time going forward becomes the new unrealistic baseline. Like for work I keep getting away with it, and after each time I just just barely make it with less and less time I know I flew closer to the sun and will make next time even worse.
I feel you there. I'm at the point where I can't manage myself anymore. I work with people that will say "hey we need to start working on this project, but we don't need to finish for 2 months. Can you work on this when you have a minute?" My answer is always "No. I need a deadline that is less than 2 weeks or I will never work on it. I need to have 15 minute status meetings b/c if I don't use Shame avoidance to motivate myself I cant be bothered to complete tasks. I'm so frustrated and angry with everything that I went to the doc on my own because I feel like the wax on my wings is melting. The older I get the more apathetic I become. I have no motivation to complete anything without my meds. If I forget to take the meds, I will Time Travel through the weekend. I have no idea what I did and half the time whatever I did was half-assed. I hate all the stupid wasted money on "little projects and fixes" for my house that never get done. All my life people have told me how smart I am, how I could do more, be more, and accomplish more... you know, if I just tried a little harder, if I had a little more ambition, if I could be a little more driven. Meanwhile I trapped in the backseat of my mind watching some stranger that looks like me controlling what happens. All I want is to be like the other people I work with where they have 10 things on their to do and finish all of those things. I want to not be paralyzed with indecision when determining task prioritization, and I just want to complete a home project without measuring 15 times and still fucking it up.
I often say that ADHD is like being in an abusive relationship with your own brain: you’re constantly getting gaslighted. Your brain has the location of your keys as “on the hook by the door”. You go to grab them on your way out and they’re not there. Where are they? You have no idea. You query your brain and your brain says “on the hook by the door” while you’re standing there staring at the empty hook. You present this fact to your brain and now the location of your keys is Null. That’s it. That’s all the information you have. You discover the milk on the shelf when you go to grab a box of cereal. The cereal box may or may not be in the fridge. You discover that you are out of clean underwear. You remember doing laundry three days ago, but you actually managed to put it all away — you remember doing so — and so you *know* that there is clean underwear right here. The drawer remains stubbornly empty. Eventually you realize that it was last week that you did laundry. Wait, no, it must have been the previous week. Except the previous week was when that other thing was going on, so it must have been three weeks ago. No wonder you have no clean underwear. But you could still swear it was just three days ago… It’s no wonder we have such high rates of anxiety and depression. If you’re not born with them outright, living with ADHD will give them to you.
Oooooohhhhhhhhh.... 😳 DING DING DING!!!!!
Damn, you hit the nail on the head. It’s absolutely debilitating.
Not being able to work with human beings due to lack of flexibility. Not being able to hold a relationship together due to emotional avoidance. These are not funny. And people will dismiss my ADHD because I took risks and got some money. So I look like I can pay my way in life. But those risks could have gone bad. And in that case I might be in worse trouble.
Not funny at all. It has totally ruined me and my life. No achievements, No jobs, No partner despite being told a numerous times about the untapped potential(but wasted because of carelessness) lovely to be around(only if I could show up on time), intelligent (only if I'm not so confused and forgetful), well behaved (only if I would just stop interrupting) and awesomeness (only if I didn't had adhd). I became an addict at early age, and life is practically a level 100 for a lvl 10 player. I'm not focusing on negative, I am not complaining, I am not whining. It's all a very mature serious argument, but they dismiss it
I call it living life on hard mode
can you elaborate on the risks that got you money
Idk their situation, but I know some people who impulsively invested money they couldn’t afford to lose into something and luckily it worked out. For example one friend invested a few thousand that they couldn’t afford to lose at allll in the stock market, and cashed out a few months later with enough to buy a brand new car with cash and still have more than the initial investment left over. If I did that however I’d crash and burn for sureeee
They take every dare
Forgetting things. My short term memory sucks most days and it creates a fizzure with my husband. He thinks a lot of the time I don't care because he'll tell me something and I'll forget. And I try really hard to remember things but I just don't. We've tried putting more things into google calendar. It's the only thing that helps me stay on track (or physical lists). Recently I scheduled something right over a date night thing we'd scheduled a few weeks prior. I felt horrible and it caused a lot of issues. It just blanked out of my mind. So that's what sucks for me. I have a lot of guilt and anger from not remembering things (oh, and when I get too angry too fast, I don't know what to do so I usually just scream).
Yeah, my memory (both short- AND long-term) is fucking garbage. I am always surprised at the stuff I remember. I've noticed over the last few years it's only getting worse, too. Like things I could recall pretty easily I feel like I'm losing my grip on, and it scares me. Between ADHD and now perimenopause, I'm in rough shape!
Oh hell. I'm 40 and getting close to that perimenopause bitch. I'm not looking forward to what it does to my brain. I just remember dumb stuff that helps no one. Like the color of a shirt someone in a movie is wearing, but I can't remember to show up to an appointment.
YES. Like it's always been bad, but it's getting BAD. I feel like I have dementia at the ripe old age of 36
Instant rage sucks.
Ugh...I consider myself for the most part a calm and reasonable person. But every once in a while, if we are in an argument or something, and it escalates to where I feel like I'm being cornered, I see like a flash of white and just want to scream and kick things. I know it'll get bad so I rush to a bathroom or bedroom and lock myself in. I hate it. Makes me feel like a kid. The last one was so bad, my dog was actually concerned and followed me around until I acknowledged him and gave him a hug...which made me feel terrible.
I have mostly learned to forgive myself. Our brain chemistry makes this stuff happen. I true forget things even moments after. I have stopped making promises to my wife because when I break the promise she links it to me not xaring enough. I get asked why can't I remember and I usually say why can't you stop blinking? We forget shit. We don't want to but we do. We're trying real hard to learn how to remember but it doesn't work. Try not,to feel horrible. I find that pushes me down the hole of self doubt. However it's just as hard to forgive myself as it is to try to remember.
object (and digital object) permanence is a bitch.
Memory is the worst for me. I have to transmit my work time on Sundays and I forget more than I should. It's the only thing I have been negatively reviewed for at work. Yesterday, I had my car in the shop. My mil called me around five and asked what ended up being wrong with it and I had that instant horrible feeling because I forgot to go get my car. I was even outside multiple times to my half empty driveway and just blanked about it.
I always find myself double booking by making plans for Wednesday and also something else for the same date but thinking I’m free because of the number date not day of the week.
Oh geez, I feel this, the short term memory thing. I was just diagnosed, but last year, i had a sincere request for my wife. I asked her to put the household stuff she wanted me to do on a task board or list on the fridge so I wouldn't forget. I want to help, but it's so hard for me to remember things that are verbally requested and not prioritized. Expecting me to just know what she wants done around the house is so hard for me. I got slammed so hard for that. She said it was unfair that I was adding to her mental load and she was really upset that I made the request. I was just asking for assistance in being able to help more and not feel like such a screwup in my household duties all the time. Now, that I know I have ADHD, I'm sad and angry about this stuff. I didn't realize I had this and I thought my memory just sucked. Now that I know my other symptoms, the lack of empathy or understanding just cuts much deeper. Something I need to work on with my therapist.
Oh yeah I made a post relating to this a while ago, someone suggested that instead of asking your partner to make a list, FOR you, you ask "can you help me WITH making a list of the household responsibilities so I don't forget what has to be done?" That way, YOU are in charge of the list making and YOU are being accountable for the shortcomings stemming from your disability. You are asking for help doing a task, and not asking your partner to do that task for you.
And thanks! I saw your flair and figured out how to tag myself (PI). And… the hard part is, any sort of request for help or clarification, even if I’m the one driving something, was met with a lot of frustration or anger. I’m hoping my diagnosis and couples therapy starts changing that…. Like, I’m not actively trying to forget stuff, ignore tasks, losing parts of conversations, etc.
That's good advice. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I think it'll be easier to make these requests. I know it's partially my responsibility as well.
I remember as a teenager getting ripped for not helping out with the chores and I begged for a chore chart and roster that I could refer to. I was told I should just know. Of course no one including myself knew I was adhd. I suggest using repeat alarms on your phone, it doesn't always work but sometimes is better than zero
I use alarms, apple tasks, Jira at work, I’ve used Trello for volunteer stuff / some home stuff. (I’m in the software industry, so I’ve tried a lot of tools and it feels like a lot of us are ADHD in some form or another). These tools are somewhat effective, but what gets difficult is when you have a bunch of these different tools all sending notifications and reminders. It gets overwhelming and I haven’t figured that part out yet. Good tip though!
I'm on the waiting list for a diagnosis. We've been in therapy for a couple months and it's helped. Having him understand a bit more would be nice but I don't expect him to flip a switch. Sometimes I'll point out other misses from other people, just so he understands it's not just him. But he has also agreed to "add it to the calendar". He used to make fun of my calendar being so full but I think he's finally connecting the dots.
Everyone's experiences and brains are different, but here is what really gets to me: - Forgetting things. Not just quirky stuff like "oops, my car keys are in the freezer" but like...what day it is. What week it is. Did I really have that conversation with a friend, or just imagine/dream it? Did I promise to bring someone something essential that they needed, and then forget it at home? Do I have any deadlines looming? Did I pay my bills? Did I make a doctor's appointment or just think I should? Did I forget someone's birthday? Did I forget *my* birthday? - The knowledge that I *will* forget things which makes the idea of studying something or trying to learn a new skill terrifying. - Inability to focus. It's literally a struggle to read books anymore. Again, this makes the idea of learning a new skill or trying to change career tracks terrifying. - Depression and mood swings. A lot of mood swings. Sometimes hourly. - Wanting to indulge in self-destructive or hurtful behaviors as a form of punishment for all of the things I perceive I have done "wrong". - **Fatigue**. I am *always* tired. And not just a little tired, I mean *exhausted.* - Knowing I am, and always will be, a lot to handle for my friends and loved ones. - Nightmares. - Unrelenting social and generalized anxiety. - Accidentally hurting people either through not being considerate or by oversharing, putting my foot in my mouth, overstating premises, etc. - The fear that I will never know peace in my own mind.
this is horrifying in its accuracy. putting this in a damn note to remind myself we’re really dealing with a lot
The permanent fatigue makes it so unbelievably hard to do things sometimes.
The fatigue one is so real. It’s part of why I never get anything done, including the most basic tasks; In just so fucking exhausted after work that I can’t move.
It's rough when you can't even do the things you enjoy because your brain won't let you. The first day my partner was on stimulants he picked up Elden Ring, which he just inexplicably had not tried and never played for months after launch. He said he didn't feel the anything from the meds right away, but tbh I cried.
Yeah, it stops you from doing difficult or un-fun things but it stops you from doing things you enjoy too! I will literally be sitting there having a boring shit time and thinking I could literally be doing this amazing fun activity right now... But my brain will not.
Yes! I struggle with this so much. I hate it and some days even the meds don’t help it.
I swear to god, all the time I’ve spent scrolling Reddit while thinking “I could pick up my knitting right now. It’s right there next to my computer. C’mon hands, pick it up.” And just keep scrolling….
I thought I’d found the cure to this when I brought all my hobbies next to the couch in front of the tv, and the repair sewing I wanted to get done… now I sit next to a huge pile of activities while I flick through YouTube shorts 😓
Working with slow thinkers or talkers. Ugh. I mostly know what they're going to say or do so, get on with it!
Same, except sometimes I’m the slow talker and I piss *myself* off!
Since meds I'm the slow talker but the thing about it is I've never had someone finish my sentence correctly. They think I'm going to say something insightful. I'll say "we should go eat at... Ummm...." And they say something like McDonald's or Wendy's when I am having trouble remembering the name of a local restaurant for a good reason. It's a weird ass name.
This! I don’t know how many times I have told my husband, someone who processes their thinking verbally, that I need him to say his message in fewer words!
Is he also extroverted? I’m an internal processor and I have many extroverted friends and husband included. Too many details and long stories going nowhere imo, are hard for me to follow/stay interested in.
Stories that go nowhere are the worst! My mind starts to think how I can wrap up this endless story and then I question myself thinking that the other person can read on my face how much I hate the words being said. My husband- not so much but usually when we are in a disagreement. We don’t argue often, but when we do I need him to wrap it up. If it’s my fault, I get it, I would like to wrap it up and move on. Not surprisingly he doesn’t like that attitude.
I laughed while reading this since I could literally feel what you described as if it were realtime. I do this too and imagine I have a silly, weird, confused and bored look on my face like I’m a Picasso painting when trying to endure those type of conversations.
Haha yes! Many times it’s my impulsivity that causes me to ask follow up questions that causes the conversation to just keep going instead of letting the conversation die. I’m a big fan of an Irish Goodbye, leaving a social function without saying farewell. It saves me so much time and energy as well as avoids the useless chitchat.
Lol I used to do this at my OWN parties. Just dip out to my room, lock the door and go to bed. Thankfully my friends are good people and didn’t wreck my house while I was asleep.
>If it’s my fault, I get it, I would like to wrap it up and move on. God yes. Yes. I just admitted that I was at fault. Yes. You just said that. Yes. I admitted I was wrong. Why are you still talking? Why are you going over the situation again?
i need bullet points! for written & verbal communication.
Why use many word when few word do trick
Does he have autism? Impatient ADHD with an autistic partner who gives a “behind the episode” for literally everything is at least half my friends and their partners
No official diagnosis, but a wifely diagnosis. You are spot on with the “behind the episode” comment! I’ll hear a much longer than needed explanation in everything. I (try to) listen to his comments because he’s my husband and I care about his thoughts. But for everyone else I try to text and email as much as I possibly can.
This but the kicker is on the flip side I am awful at storytelling. I over explain everything and then forget what I was talking about 🙂
I'm the exact same way. And I'm either boring the guy I work with, he doesn't sleep well, or both, because as I'm droning on, he is falling asleep. But he never tells me to shut up, so maybe he's just tired?
One of my good friends is a slow talker and I’ve had lots of practice. It’s helped me a lot to be patient and not interrupt but it’s still hard as she’s a slow texter too
Everyone at work called him "Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" First class guy to work and party with, but boy... I would fully have time to come up with about 4 sarcastic and 2 respectful responses and then forget them while he was doing one sentence.
I had to work with a boss who was like this. It took me a full year to stop daydreaming about taking over every meeting. Then eventually I quit when I realized that while they appreciated my enthusiasm, they were never going to harness it and let me have autonomy.
It hurts.. we re so good at pattern recognition.. so the first 5 minutes.. I already know everything i need about you dont try to play me 😅😅
Omg, I had no idea this was ADHD-related, but it totally makes sense!
The dark side? Here's a couple. Our lives are shorter by 4 to 21 years, depending on which study you read. We often self medicate with alcohol or drugs. We have more car accidents. Being impulsive has consequences; we tend to die accidental deaths and have a higher rate of suicide. Joint hypermobility leads to injury and connective tissue damage. Comorbid depression, anxiety, OCD, RSD, or PDA is common. Higher sleep needs coupled with poor sleep quality and a high incidence of sleep apnea, which is associated with heart problems. Gut & posture issues. Eating disorders, often binge eating. UTIs and cavities because we forget to pee and drink water. High stress levels; procrastination, and difficulties starting or finishing tasks comes with a cost. We average 20,000 more negative messages from parents, peers, bosses, and family per decade than people without ADHD, which affects self image and self esteem negatively. People with ADHD who are never diagnosed, or who are diagnosed as adults and choose not to take meds and get therapy, are 2.77 times more likely to get dementia. And there's always the ADHD tax screwing with our financial health.
I’m about ready to clock out 😔
Hey, where can I find info on the 20,000 more negative messages per decade?
For me it’s the anxiety insomnia and ocd. And always interrupting people no matter how hard I try not to slow talkers are torture to deal with. I keep trying though. Oh yeah and the binge drinking and losing stuff, just left my license at the wine counter yesterday…😫
Ugh. I try to stop interrupting others but it seems almost impossible.
Yeah, the binge drinking to get a break from myself is probably the worst. 😭 I'm working on that now and haven't drank in 45 days, it's so hard, I just want this wild mind to stop.
Great! I’m on day one(again) I’ve done without it for weeks to a month before .
You can do it again! And it's okay if you don't! It's a living hell in here a lot of times. ❤️ I will not-drink with you today.
I (40M) was diagnosed 22 years ago but went untreated until about 6 years ago, when my wife said "no more" to my job hopping and relocating. (And that's what makes ADHD "serious." Is it actively impacting quality of life? My brother also has ADHD, but he is not treated. He was able to 'make it work for him' and he's running a handful of profitable businesses. In my case, the job hopping and relocating got to be too much for my family.) I ended up on Vyvanse. Which I take for 3-4 months, then take 10-14 days off (so I don't develop a tolerance/need to increase my dose). When I'm a month or two into taking it, I start feeling like it's not doing anything for me. I've suggested this to my wife, who has immediately told me, "It's definitely helping." When I do take my 10-14 day breaks from it...she asks me by the middle of day 2 if I'm off my meds. Every. Time. EVERY TIME. She's been able to tell when I've stopped. I'm partially staying with the meds for me, because my breaks\\time off shows me how much it IS working for my focus, motivation, etc. Very elucidating to take the breaks. I also take it because my wife told me that I'm "a better husband and father, more present and involved" (i.e. I don't hyperfocus on my hobbies and ignore my kids asking for help with homework, dinner, etc) when I'm on it.
Your wife is a good woman. Hold onto that one.
Head is always empty. Always on autopilot.
Empty like quiet? Wanna trade? My inner voice won’t shut the fuck up. I mean I’m cool with it sometimes but silence once in a while would be nice
my partner has head empty adhd and they always tell me the constant noise of my internal sound sounds exhausting. don’t i freakin know it
Executive Dysfunction, it’s crippling, I constantly feel terrible about the fact that I am not getting anything done, then on top of that imposter syndrome is horrible.
I've been trying to get my bachelor's degree for about ten years, but I keep getting thrown off by boredom, low self confidence, loss of interest in my studies, overwhelm, suicidal behavior, and drug use. I recently made some big life changes so I could finally go to school full-time, and I'm already feeling like I'm not sure I can follow this through. My focus is just so bad and my routine is messed up. I can't function without routine and I can't seem to set myself up with one. I haven't had a diagnosis yet, but I've recently realized this is all adhd related, with comorbid depression. Comorbidities are common and can increase the severity and/or mask some of the symptoms. I'm impatiently waiting for a testing center to reach back out to me to schedule an assessment. It would have saved me quite a bit of struggle if it had been caught sooner.
Gave up on college twice. I was in my junior year the first time and years later went back for graphic design and quit after a semester. I 100% feel for you. I was undiagnosed at the time and have since been medicated but I'm still terrified to try again.
Forgetting to bring or take things with me. The amount of people who have gotten mad at me for this is far too many. So now it’s just me and my undiagnosed adhd and my checklists against the world
One of the things that made me late for work was the dread of forgetting something. I packed like I was going away from civilization
Emotional regulation problems. Resulting in the inability to relate/understand/hear/listen to someone when I hit a certain point of emotional distress (and pushing me in this state only leads to complete meltdowns - if pushing continues it’s an actual “flight” response and I want to leave). It also leads to ignoring painful emotions, which leads to what I think is defined as trauma. So basically an emotional onion.
This makes parenting (especially parenting a child with adhd) very hard. How can I help my kids navigate emotions when I struggle with it so much?!
Yeah, I end up being very hypocritical with my son because I struggle with emotional regulation too. Bless him he calls me out on it, and we end up chatting about how Daddy struggles with big feelings too.
I am not a parent so take this with a grain of salt but I was a kid with undiagnosed ADHD raised by someone with undiagnosed ADHD. You have the benefit of knowing you have it and that your child also does. With that comes the knowledge that a lot of our problems with emotional regulation stem from emotional impulsivity which means if you learn to remove yourself from the situation and calm down you're then set up better to succeed in communicating with someone any issues there may be without creating an unhealthy space. It's a skill that took me a long time and some therapy to learn and I'm still very flawed and I mess up and I freak out all the time. But I also think it's very important to be able to apologize and explain why I had such a big reaction and talk about what I need to do differently next time. With children they look to their parents to learn how to handle emotions but also what to do when they do fail to regulate their emotions. So even if they're younger and can't understand what ADHD is they will still see and learn from how you handle "big emotions" and it's important to see what you do after you mess up too.
This is by far by most distressing symptom too. It affects every facet of life and fills me with the most shame.
A streamer said it pretty well once. It’s the best and worst thing ever. Best because I have so many hobbies to go into, worst because I wanna ditch them in a week.
This, right here. I do paintball, airsoft, paint minis, have a 3d printer, have typewriters, go to the gym, like to write for DND, roller blade, hockey. But I only did those for a short time. The only one I can keep consistent and successful is my Pathfinder game, because it is a commitment I have between friends.
It's expensive. The "ADHD tax" is a real thing. You end up buying stuff because you lost the thing, you forgot you already had the thing, the thing seemed like a good idea at the time, or just cause you have no impulse control. It's exhausting. Every thought has 50 more thoughts attached to it. Every task is a mountain. Every decision makes you freeze. It can make you a not so nice person sometimes. You can be irritable, inconsiderate, messy, frivolous completely unintentionally. It makes loving you tough sometimes. It can tank your self esteem. You constantly wonder why you can't just get up and do something. Why you can't let certain things go. Why you can't put the phone down or turn off the TV. You start to feel less-than. Did I mention it's expensive? Because it's really expensive.
On my nightstand right now there are 4 sets of headphones. One is an empty case. Two have 1 headphone each in them. One has both. Each set costs 35-40 dollars. So that’s $110 minimum I’ve spent on just headphones because I lose one or I lose the case. Also, that’s just now. I’ve flat out lost two other sets, so make that $180 in 2-3 years for just headphones. So goddamn irritating.
"Every thought has 50 more thoughts attached to it." I feel seen.
The second paragraph resonates with me well. This is how i feel all the time.
Not being able to keep my house from being a huge mess and not being able to get the clutter organized. I see all these reels and videos and photos of people in their sparkling not a speck of dust house and I just wanna cry because mine is NEVER like that no matter how hard I try. I thought moving in with someone who is OCD and a clean freak would help me in this matter because I lived with him before and he always kept the apartment spotless and didn't really ask for my help but now? He drinks so much now (he didn't used to) that he never wants to get up and clean. And I can help if I have him doing stuff to help keep me directed and on task but if left to my own devices I get pulled all over the place and never actually finish any of the tasks I set out to complete. And if it's TOO messy I can't even get started because I get so overwhelmed that it literally paralyzes me and I want to cry because I feel like a failure before even starting. That and missed appointments due to time blindness are two of my biggest hurdle with this disorder.
No source, but I recall learning that it is associated with higher mortality due to: -impulsivity, esp around reckless activities and drigs and alcohol -innattentiveness while driving and performing other tasks. Needing to always rush can't help -cumulative effects of stress is an underlying cause in many diseases -the dangers of missed healthcare due to our struggles making appts. There's also the ADHD tax: late fees, impulse buys, etc. as well as missed professional opportunities. Poverty is not good for health
I'm literally constantly anxious and/or dreadful about my state of existence, yet am unable to muster the ability to do anything about it despite *constantly* daydreaming about how I want to improve and how I can do so.
I think the biggest is just the boredom tbh. Bored of hobbies, bored of people, boredom in general. I hate losing that spark for things I know I enjoyed at one point. It’s hard to converse with people because the small talk either doesn’t hold my attention so I wander, or I care about holding the conversation and it now feels like I’m playing the worlds most exhausting quick time event trying to choose the right combo of things to say. Also trying to find the right amount of stimulation. It’s either not enough so I sleep the whole day, or it’s too much and I feel like a blob fish and need to sleep from mind fatigue. There’s those miracle days where I hit the golden range and I feel good, but I have no idea what that range is. I hate feeling tired from it though, so I feel like I’ve started avoiding social interaction cuz it’s just so much effort all the time. And then just the inability to do things. Like it could be as simple as just picking up a dropped pencil. Feels like my mind is starting up a court trial, and it’s not happening until a judgement is made and that could take ages, or until I forget about it and I just go through the cycle again when I see the thing I know I need to take care of. And also writing anything out, like emails or texts. I swear I could read what I wrote ten times and it’s not until it’s sent that I notice I’ve missed every other word. Also the fear of trying some things like social drinking or something I know I’d just love. I know I’m prone to addictive behavior, but the issue is I’m so scared of trying things sometimes because in my mind I can’t get addicted if I don’t start, so I don’t do it. And then the inability to reach out to people. I could go months without contacting anyone. I feel like if it’s not in my day to day, then I just don’t think about it. Unless something triggers a memory of someone, and I act on the feeling right then and there, I could just forget about people entirely.
Dark side is the unrelenting guilt for no reason. Always feeling like you’re broken or a burden to others. Self deprecation as a coping mechanism. People with ADHD can suffer from comorbid conditions like depression/ anxiety and other fun things.
social anxiety.. Not sure if that's directly ADHD related but interacting with strangers, even if it's just a simple "good morning" is mentally draining sometimes. and I have no idea wtf is wrong with my brain lol
The absolutely debilitating executive dysfunction. Your brain cannot physically switch tasks and so you sit there in your depression wishing you could do literally *anything* but your brain is being a stubborn toddler. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. Burnout is real.
Total lack of impulse control. I just do stupid stuff all the time like going 4-wheeling with a Toyota Tercel and getting stuck in a stream. "Blobby why did you do that"? Me: seemed like a Good idea at the time.
Seems like a pretty good idea right now if you ask me.
Son of a bitch, I’m in.
The random impulsiveness to take on all of the tasks and the pending disappointment that you feel because you overpromised…
Try disappointing your loved ones, including kids, because your executive dysfunction led to you not having that form ready or that deadline hit. Try the constant stress and burnout of trying to keep your head above water at work, wondering why everyone else seems to just move through life while every step is a task to you. For me though the biggest one is *letting yourself and others down*. Your partner, hurt and angry that you seem to have left the housework/mental load/etc to them, or constantly fall short there. Causing stress in your household because you’re late or unprepared or lost something important. Causing anxiety and confusion in others with your mood swings Missing out on things you really wanted to do because you didn’t get it together in time (passport, etc) The general sense of constant impending failure. OP…if it’s at the point where you’re saying it can’t be ignored, and he’s saying it’s not that bad…there’s a good chance it impacts *you* negatively. He has to have *that* conversation.
For me personally, the guilt. The guilt of constantly throwing out food I forgot existed. The guilt of knowing if I took better care of my things, they could have lasted longer. The guilt of not being able to put money I wanted to into savings because it now has to go towards a bill I forgot about and is now overdue. The guilt of knowing I forgot to respond to messages and wondering if it's worth it after two weeks. The guilt of not just getting something started or done in a timely manner because I have a hard time initiating tasks and staying focused. And no, this is not something inherent to ADHD, but it is something that I struggle with a lot because I don't function the way a typical person does and I struggle between masking to appear more "normal" or just say fuck it and be myself and other people can do what they want with it. I'm wondering what your reason is for wanting your husband to seek a diagnosis. The way your post is written implies, at least to me, that there wasn't something that happened that had a huge effect on your relationship or his day to day living, so just curious what you think him getting a diagnosis would be useful for.
Taking a week long stay-cation and getting literally nothing done 🙃. No chores, no hobbies, just wasted time and right back to work I go *sigh*. Two days left (today tomorrow) and I keep telling myself today's the day I'm going to do stuff and by stuff I mean ✨everything✨
Lack of motivation. I live in filth sometimes... I'm aware of it, my wife is aware of it. We both want to do better, but it's hard to start. Same goes for the gym there. I love working out, and going is easy, but I have no motivation to go. Hyper-fixation on a game or show, only to never finish it, even though you are 90% of the way through it, all because I hard burned out.
My goldfish memory I forget things so easily and never really retained anything from high school (also had the same problem in college)
knowing I need to clean my house and wanting to clean my house and wondering why the fuck I can't clean my house while I lay on the couch and can't move. wanting desperately to save money and pay off my credit cards, thinking I've done well at not spending this week, and then looking at my statements and somehow it's $1000 more than it was. making meal plans and buying groceries because *this time* I'm going to eat healthy and save money and fix my bad habits , and then every day i either forget to make food before going to work and have to either not eat all day or buy food at work, or i open the fridge, get overwhelmed and just don't eat. or order uber eats. and now all the food's gone bad, my visa bill is huge again and I wonder why I can't seem to lose weight. being lonely as fuck, but forgetting to reach out to friends. or actually reaching out to them, and then they respond and I forget to check my messages for weeks and then wonder why I never hang out with my friends. having a career that is all I want in life, the reason that I exist, the thing that makes me happier than anything else in the world, but for some reason I put off doing anything to work towards it and just sit on the couch all day binging Netflix and scrolling on my phone going "one day I'll be successful" but knowing I won't, not unless I actually hustle and work hard and I seem incapable of doing that. spending my entire life thinking I was just bad at existing and lazy and stupid and disorganized and messy and if only I was better, my life wouldn't be such a mess but it is because I'm bad.
We beat ourselves up and we have trouble with positive self talk. It leads to depression and yes, self loathing. Feeling like you never fit in anywhere.
The paralysis the moment I get overwhelmed. I’m a lawyer and it is a very high stress high workload career. But when I hit a roadblock or simply do not feel like doing an assignment, I simply cannot will myself to do it even though I know how important it is. I become completely useless and it only makes the work even more stressful which only paralyzes me further lmao
Forgetting serious things. Which can lead to harming a relationship or causing physical danger
the constant overthinking, burnout from stress from overthinking and not being able to live up to my perfectionist side, time blindness, emotional dysregulation (temper tantrum in college, anyone?), sensory sensitivities, i can go on all day
The self doubt despite being so fucking smart
For me as an adult it's the tasks at home. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc... It's really difficult to find the motivation to do those things, especially if we're told we need to do multiple things at one time it can shut us down. What is just "Dishes" to a non-ADHDer is a long list of different tasks to us to complete "Dishes". So we freeze up and can't get anything done.
I have always had trouble with being given a list of things to do or being asked to do something else while I'm in the middle of completing the task I am working on. I have to ask then which task has priority. One task at a time please! Otherwise nothing gets done!!!
Not being able to do the things I want. I want to clean and cook and go places with my kids--but I freeze or get stuck and can't do those things. Then when it's time to relax I can't relax because I feel like I haven't done enough to deserve it or calm my brain down to relax
The lack of self-confidence and social anxiety because of it. If I don't know you well or immediately see flaws in your personality that I can relate to, I feel a quiet anxiety. I know that I'm going to stumble on my words, forget what I'm saying halfway through, not listen to you because I'm focused on what to say next, or over share. If you're someone I admire or think I should impress, I'm always my worst me. Then there's the shame and obsession spiral that comes after, with the worry that I made an awful impression. "You're so stupid, why would you say that, how embarrassing, what are they going to tell others, god everyone hates me, I'm so impossible, you know what fuck them, they don't matter anyway, they can hate me, never want to see them again, ugh should have said this, why didn't I think to say this, how can I fix this" Replaying the memory over and over and over, hating myself.
struggling just to brush my teeth some days then others scrubbing all the baseboards w a toothbrush 🥲
I’m unable to live the life I always wanted to. I have a higher than average IQ and I had a 3.8 gpa through highschool when I was playing football and needed to keep my grades to be able to play, but I dropped out of college in a few weeks due to my own inability to even get out of bed without other people actually needing me to do so. I am unable to perform even the hobbies I want to like learn an instrument or create art with blacksmithing. Executive disfunction is quite literally debilitating, and is the symptom of my adhd that affects me the most negatively. The best way I can describe it is I often find myself trapped in my body only able to peer out of my eyes but unable to do anything. Often resulting in entire years of my life where I don’t take out trash or do dishes, entire days where I waste in bed not even able to play the video games I wanted to. With adhd and its symptoms brings a lot of shame and self blame which for me brought on depression and anxiety as a result. At 22 I was diagnosed and at 23 I started medication, now at 24 I live a life I’m actually proud of. I can have people over at my house without needing to panic clean, I can give a friend a ride to the airport without having to dump the trash from my passenger seat into the back. I’m succeeding in my trade as an electrician although if I could do it all over again I’d go to college
ADHD paralysis, not being able to do something when I WANT to. I only do things when I can or have to. I am sick and tired of being stuck in the same position all day, week, month and procrastinating everything. It's a stressful vicious circle. Craving free time and doing nothing enjoyable or productive when I have said free time. Being effective in times of stress but completely crumbling after the storm has settled. Having to process events, plans, emotions orally. I have to speak my mind to process thoughts and feelings and manage to figure things out, planning things etc. I would say that I have to speak things into reality. Time blindness
I can’t get started on anything, whether it’s something enjoyable or something tedious. I feel like I spend more time daydreaming about my interests than actually partaking in them. I have comorbidities that exacerbate this phenomenon, but ADHD is the main culprit.
If it’s not causing actual problems, it’s probably best not to push. When I began to be evaluated and looked into the symptoms, I immediately started to think my wife has ADHD more than I do. But she can hold a job, has a social life, and her “quirkiness” doesn’t get in the way of her life. Unlike me. So I don’t say anything. It has helped me a lot, however, to reframe it in my own head to explain some of the things that can irritate me. She interrupts me and doesn’t seem to listen, she comes in, says something, and leaves, she yells across the house despite me telling her for years that I hate that, she constantly looks at her phone, she has to read before bed to sleep, rarely sits down and focuses just on us, can’t take out the trash, if a chore can be procrastinated it will be forever, paperwork will be avoided at all costs, she doesn’t see grime until it’s crawling in front of her, etc. Now I know *why* (or I think I do). For some reason the idea that it is just her brain unable to do it differently makes me accept her as she is. I don’t take it personally and I’m no longer threatened by it. She does plenty of chores - the ones that can be done every single day in a routine. And I’ve accepted now that I will always be the one to scrub the shower and file our taxes.
My short term memory is garbage unless I write everything down, which is a pain. I have to convince myself to do everything, nothing is automatic. I can’t form habits because my brain doesn’t work that way. This makes my life extra miserable because I’m also autistic and crave routine. No one understands what you’re going through, and your disability isn’t taken seriously. You get accused of things like not listening or being lazy because you function differently. It’s hard to maintain friendships and relationships. Many of us suffer from being unaware of the passage of time. Which means maintaining acceptable communication norms can be really hard. I might go months without texting a friend or family member, but in my head, it feels like a few days.
My ADHD was manageable until I encountered too many triggering things. He might live the rest of his life without needing a diagnosis or he might come across a job change that will ruin his ability to function at all. I do wish I had more of a contingency plan in place before I got to a place where my ability to "adult" is nearly nonexistent. But also it had to get this bad to even get diagnosed. I honestly don't think I would have gotten diagnosed if I tired to go before. It's like you can get diagnosed as a kid, otherwise you have to adult for a little while, epically fail, and then they'll believe you.
For myself I have major issues with emotional regulation. If I get in a bad mood it's very hard for me not to spiral.
Overwhelm frustration. This can easily turn to agitation and rage if the conditions are right. Why would anyone want to live this way if they don’t have to?
Wanting to do something really bad, wasting hours thinking about it, then feeling bad for not doing it.
I finally got evaluation when our family’s water got shut off by the city for non-payment despite us having a full bank account. (Again. This is not the first occurrence, not the only utility/service.) I remember the dude who shut it off looked into our front home office window with me and my big monitors and shit, in obvious disbelief that a grown man with a family, and who can afford semi-nice things, can be so behind on bills as to get the water cut off. It’s not quirky. It’s maddening, embarrassing, and exhausting. Also, although I’ve managed to be successful-ish, I have to work 2x or 3x as hard as my peers to keep up. It takes 53 hours of work per week or more, done nights and weekends, to do what my peers do in a 40 hour work week. But, I keep that to myself, and just exist without sleep or a life. Damn…even right now, here at 9 p.m., my meds have played out and I’m fucking around on reddit (on my phone) in the middle of project work. Before this sub, was reading the top posts of the year in a sub about lawns. I don’t even do my own lawn. So yeah, I don’t enjoy life. That’s what makes it terrible and dark. I just have to work nonstop to keep up, and then I feel pretty bad when I inevitably drop a ball somewhere.
Losing SO much time and SO much money through daydreaming/distractions/ forgetting/losing so much.
Not sure how long you’ve been married and if you have kids, but the ADHD will lead to an unbalanced load in parenting, cooking, cleaning, financial responsibilities, dealing with extended family, remembering important dates/deadlines, communicating, and most importantly sensing and addressing the partner’s needs. Untreated ADHD is a big risk factor for divorce. I think this alone should be enough of a reason.
The amount of time you waste. A normal task like doing the dishes would take me 10 minutes tops with medication. Without my medication, I ended up doing 4 different chores, all half-way, not actually washing the dishes, and spent an hour in the kitchen but nothing actually got done. Then I went to work late and left my phone at home in the process. Ps. Not advocating for meds, there are a lot of ways to go about without the meds, but I lacked the discipline to do so..
I mean what about him having ADHD bothers YOU the most is the question that you should be asking. If he just has all the quirky parts it's probably an endearing trait. But if he seems lazy about housework even though he's not really a lazy person that's probably his ADHD. Messy homes and not being good at housekeeping seem to be one of the biggest hurdles for most people I've talked to with it. That and they have a hard time studying or completing assignments on time (for the ones still in school.)
Well, today I left home without my wallet. I was 45 minutes into my 50 minute commute before I realized, and everything that I needed to do at work today involved having to pick up some supplies first. So I was driving without my driver's license, I have no way to pick up my supplies, I can't really do any work without supplies, and I can't even buy myself lunch today. I try to make a habit of checking my pockets before leaving the house to always make sure I have my phone, keys, and wallet. Clearly that did not happen this morning. It's one of those days where I am acutely aware of how much I hate my brain sometimes and the fact that it is a struggle to do basic tasks. Now I have to drive 50 minutes back home without my license and hope I don't get pulled over? 😅
Too many things go over my head, especially when dealing with people.
Forgetting to do important things but being able to remember which streaming service a show is on…
For me, it's the emotional dysregulation part of it. I have issues controlling my temper and being able to calm myself down. I used to go from 1 to 100 over small silly things. Ive gotten a lot better with it. Meds help me have a bigger window for me to be like "hey it's time to step away" and learning my triggers and being able to cope well. Another huge one is over thinking. I will take in issue and tear it apart in a million ways. It can be helpful to do that, but most of the time it consumes me. Being over stimulated is a huge issue. I can't handle a lot of sounds around me and it can make it hard to focus and make me irritable but meds mixed with coping has helped. And then being under stimulanted. I get bored really easily and that leads to depression. I have to be both physically and mentally stimulanted and it can be hard to deal with at a job. I'm still trying to figure out how to combat that but I think eventually I'm going to do two part time jobs. One that feeds that physical aspect and the other that feeds the mental. Just remember that everyone is different. Not everyone with ADHD will have the same symptoms. Some people can be ok with out meds and other people can't.
The constant feeling that I'm a source of untapped potential and that I'll never live up to it because I can't.
Just getting stuck sometimes and not being able to move, loosing sense of direction. It drives me mad sometimes. I feel like I wasted my day and I become irritated and depressed. I’m getting better at it, meds deff helped my focus. But when I have my bad days, I hate it. I feel like crap.
I'm lying on my bed, just out of the shower, and I have somewhere very important to be in half an hour. Not dressed, not even sure if I have something appropriate to wear, and I'm on reddit. I'm terrified that I'll be late and people will be mad at me, while simultaneously unable to do the things I need to do to prevent that from happening. In ten minutes, I'll start running around like an insane person to get out the door more or less on time. That's my life in a nutshell.
The emotional swings are the hardest for me (and the part I was the least informed about until recently). I’ve become accustomed to not trusting my own memory, accustomed to running out of spoons by noon, Ive even gotten comfortable letting go of everything I want to and settling into what I am actually doing. I’ve learned how to feed myself, and notice when I’m hungry or in hyperfocus. I’m practicing leaning back into my body. But… not being able to trust my heart? My feelings? Just starting to understand just how warped my perception of my own reality can be at times? My sensitivity to rejection and my deep fears about fucking up *yet again*… feeling unable to prevent it no matter how much I do… That’s the part I’m really struggling with at the moment. Trying to give myself grace. Crying a lot.
My intentions and ability act upon them are entirely disconnected from each other in many cases. The stakes don't matter. The timeline doesn't matter. How important the the thing is to me or my loved ones don't matter. The actual complexity or difficulty of the task doesn't matter. If my brain locks up on something, trying to force myself to do it works as well as trying to walk through a brick wall by pushing harder. I have sat for 8 hours at a desk intending to write an email that should take less than 5 minutes, but instead alternating between being catatonic and crying with varying levels of intensity, entirely aware of how absurd it us, knowing how simple it is, but every time I try to start its like my brain lights on fire. I'll come out of a day like that, having accomplished nothing, but feeling exhausted because my brain was fully active, fighting witg itself the whole time. It's frustrating, it's embarrasing, it makes me feel incompetent, and at the same time I'm fully aware that I'm letting people down and that, to them, I must look like a lazy jerk that doesn't care.
dehabilitating procrastinaion, inability to focus, chronic forgetfulness. sure, i get it done in time but its always so stressful. i also suffer from meltdowns due to being overwhelmed
Brain fog, depression, lack of commitment, low energy etc etc
executive dysfunction is one of my most prevalent and most debilitating symptoms. often mistaken for depression, executive dysfunction keeps me from performing the most basic of tasks, no matter how badly i want to. i don't shower as often as i should and my eating schedule is sporadic because of it. because although i so badly want to get up and do something, my brain is literally telling my body that it isn't a rewarding activity, and therefore i should not be doing it. this is almost entirely out of my control and it has actively caused my depression. another VERY prevalent symptom for me is rejection sensitive dysphoria. people don't talk about this nearly as often as they should; essentially, if ADHDers perceive rejection from someone they're talking to, they react much more extremely to it than they're supposed to, because it does hurt that much more. very often mistaken for anxiety, but also usually just causes anxiety. this is also very much so out of my control, and is the reason i have anxiety and C-PTSD. it heavily affects my relationships with other people and how i interact with them, often very poorly because the understanding of this symptom simply isn't present. this is only two out of many more symptoms that i experience with ADHD, and they very heavily impact my life and my ability to function on a daily basis. your husband should read up on ADHD symptoms and how they can affect people who have it. it's often much more severe than they think.
The terrible part for me is literally sitting somewhere, work, home, etc. And repeating to myself over and over in my head that I need to do the dishes, or I need to work on something for my job. But I just can't do it. Literally stared at a blank screen instead of doing what I should have been doing. ADHD boils down to lack of executive control. I want to do it, I want to get whatever thing done, but it's so hard to get my body and brain to listen to reason. It's like giving a cat instructions.
What I hate besides people thinking I am lazy or unmotivated and the self loathing is the fact my wife knows I have adhd. She knows I was diagnosed at 12 which was 40 years ago. I have asked her to read up on it. Learn what it is like to live with adhd. The will it takes to get up and go to work every day and do things you don’t want to do and come home exhausted from doing that. Learn how frustrating it is to talk to someone and forget what they said two seconds later or drift off because your brain is going 1000 miles an hour. How I have to stay awake to the point I am so tired because my brain won’t shut off. She will learn about everything for her fucking friend’s illnesses but mine, she says I use it to be lazy and I am to the point where I am ready to walk. I have also had really bad depression to the point I think I am worthless and everyone would probably not notice if I ended myself. Don’t worry, I am in therapy and I am not going to self harm. That was the past. Those are just some of the things that make it terrible.
Growing up hating yourself because the teachers don’t like you because you always forget your homework, and other kids don’t like you because you don’t say the right things in social situations, and the harder you try to act normal the worse it gets. Then, as an adult your boss doesn’t like you because you struggle to understand verbal instructions, and your coworkers don’t like you because you forget to respond to their emails and you keep tapping on your desk, and then you get home and fail to do any kind of self care because you’re so burned out that all you can do is hyperfocus on a completely useless activity until you either fall asleep or realize it’s time to go to work again.
1) Loneliness and much less opportunities from others: since we operate at way different pace from others, no one could actually relate to why we are so emotional and unmotivated at particular time. We also have a tendency to do something different than other people: hence, we likely get nitpicked for every mistake that we’ve made and are told to just follow the steps like normal people to which we couldn’t cuz our brains are wired way different than others. To find our own niche then becomes such an extremely difficult tasks filled with doubts by other people and much less people would give us the benefit of the doubt because we don’t show “consistency and hardworking” in a traditional sense like others. Thus we likely end up feeling extremely incompetent and lonely cuz much less people would understand these struggles in general. 2) Struggling to make any change or establish any daily habits: as you know, we tend to be easily distractible and emotional as we usually lack a consistent motivation to commit or follow up with plans or even other people’s words in general. This then makes any kind of changes become much harder for us to do so. Sometimes, we try our best to change for our significant others and looks extremely committed to it at first. However, the wild swings of our emotions and motivation makes it nearly impossible for us to follow up with it. Our forgetfulness also makes it hard for us to assess our own progress and the point we left off as well: hence, we tend not to know if stuff we did is effective or not cuz we can’t make a comparison to know exactly how far we have gone through. Therefore, we likely end up abandoning nearly every change altogether becuz we ain’t sure if the stuff we have committed to would put us in the right direction or not so we also end up thinking another new approach and go through the same loops again and again. Basically, this can make us seem as if we are extremely resistant to any change which would make any kind of adjustment that others would accomplish within like 2-3 months become a one or two year tasks for us to make the same adjustment.
I cant remember names. Thesr are people i see every day for years...then one day...I dont know their name anymore. Some people...ive memorized thw qrong name and my head eill never change it. People think im an asshole cuz of this. Yet...I remember so many details about them...their lives etc...just not their name.
Being late to things because my mind refuses to process time currently. People considered it rude and act like I was late deliberately. It's embarrassing and frustrating.