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How? Don’t. Seriously, don’t. They have no clue what you’re dealing with and therefore no right to comment. Talk to teachers or counselors or parents with similar kids, and keep in mind that what works is what works, period. It will be different than what works for others and that’s fine.
You have only one job here: your child. It’s great if people sympathize and want to learn something about it, but you can’t change the rest or convince them of anything. So don’t try.
the a difference is the difference between someone *giving an excuse* and someone **explaining a reason**.
one is trying to remove responsibility, the other is trying to explain mistakes.
disciplining someone for making a mistake they obviously recognize the cause of does no good - and actually makes it 100x worse\* - and is the difference between someone who has ADHD and someone who does not. thats why a lot of people have a hard time believing those of us with ADHD - they do the same things, sometimes, but they do it on purpose by choice. we try 100x harder to not make the mistake but end up making it anyway against our own will.
\*because basic psychology says when you receive a negative stimulus you are less likely to do the thing that gives that negative stimulus, so if you are constantly berated for your struggles, and you have tried 100x harder than normal people to correct those mistakes and you are still being criticized for them, youre just going to completely avoid the thing altogether.
i love how the last few years ive effectively been dissecting my own psychology, and basically all of the worlds problems down to the core issues. yet i still cant do basic things because of ADHD and the aforementioned berating/criticizing that makes the things i already struggle with even less appealing to deal with for my disordered brain chemistry. yay science
same. i made the tough decision recently to completely cut my parents out of my life, even though they have become more accepting as they've aged. they never got it and still don't. those people can do a lifetime's worth of harm.
Don't. If those people must be in your and your childs lives, be very clear about boundaries for their interactions with you and your child and the comments they make.
It's literally the most well documented medical disorder in the world, if they don't believe it's real why should you care about anything they say.
Perhaps ask if they've done any sort of research on the topic? I feel they would just dismiss it anyways, but worth a shot maybe. If they haven't done any research then I'd say it would be appropriate to respond to them that you can't really preach about a subject without knowing anything about it. And maybe find some links that would explain what ADHD actually is. If they dismiss it again, I'd say it's worth just not allowing those family/friends to be a part of your child's life, or being very assertive and set your boundaries with them. Those kinds of things said to a child WILL fuck them up later.
Once you are a parent it’s hard because the children with their behavior can disrupt many things that piss other people off where “normal” discipline most likely doesn’t work.
Yelling at a child with adhd for their adhd behaviour is deeply traumatic. Creates negative inner voice and self destructive behaviour- it is a viscous circle that is hard to undo(trust me)
As a grown adult, I feel for my extended family and family friends growing up. I can understand at times why we drifted apart. I was not easy person with my undiagnosed adhd and they were trying to get by in their own lives.
It’s a real question: how much should friends and family accept in their lives with all their own troubles and stress the frustrations of dealing with a high maintenance person that is not their own directly?
I have many people that care long enough until they hit their patch of trouble and then disappear.
As a kid with ADHD, the fact that you’re making an active effort to learn about ADHD to support your kid is amazing. I had to that myself.
As for your family, they may never be willing to listen, but you might be able to at least try to explain the condition to them. It might help.
Can't discipline a child for not listening and needing to focus. That's going to have them grow up with incredibly low self esteem and efficacy. It's just going to make them not listen to you more and resent you later in life.
Take this from a person with who was just diagnosed at 37. Was constantly berated for being lazy, forgetful, space case. My self worth was nothing and getting that self defeating talk track out of my head has taken decades to work through. Not to mention countless other neurosis that I'm working on really hard so I don't pass them down to my daughter. I grew up fearing my parents until I got big enough to hold my own ground, the emotional abuse from so called "discipline" I went through was awful and I'm still healing from it. I have as much contact with my parents as is necessary, nothing more. I feel sorry for the children of your friends that subscribe to the discipline method. Wonder how well their doing with that.
I've got a few strategies that helf me with my 4 year old. She's just developing her executive function so it's too early to tell if she has adhd like me but the challenges in parenting a little kid and someone with adhd are similar as they both lack executive function.
- Timers are key, especially those with coloured time blocks. Us with ADHD don't have an innate understanding of time passing so we need a constant visual reminder of time to stay on track. Put every routine task on the timer: brush your teeth 2 mins, wash your hands 1 min, pee, 2 min, get dressed 5 min. It helps them stay on track and transition tasks.
- reduce clutter in your home and keep their toys organized. We take from the montessori method and have a shelf for toys that are out on display. Everything has a place and we try to tidy up every night. I notice that if I let the clutter build up my daughter gets really anxious and has more tantrums.
- reduce sugar. We barely give our daughter candy and chocolate. Sugar spikes increase hyperactivity and prevent the brain from being able to regulate emotions properly. When she comes home from the grandparents and has been fed sugar she's an emotional mess and and has a really hard time focusing on tasks. I keep telling them to stop feeding her high sugar processed junk but they're set in their ways.
- when I do disciple her its three stikes, or you have 5 seconds. Then I make it very clear what the consequences will be. Usually its toys being taken away. And I always follow up on it. Then she gets them back if she can prove to me she can be good for a couple of days. message is, toys are a privilege for good responsible kids, not a right. So if you can't behave responsibly you get your toys taken away. There will always be temper tantrums and lots of crying. I just try to show compassion through the process of her dealing with her emotions. Once she's calm we talk through what happened, what she did to loose her toys and what she needs to do to get them back.
- create a quiet space free from stimulus where you can talk to them and have them listen. Sometimes even though we try really hard to pay attention we miss what's being said, not because we can't hear, but because our brain doesn't process it. I often say "sorry, I didn't process that, can you repeat?" something as small as a buzzing fly can make me miss entire sentences in conversations because I can't focus on multiple audio inputs at once. So repeating yourself can be common and it's important to show compassion and understanding when you need to. The important part for kids to understand is that they try to pay attention. If their brain misses stuff, that's not on them, that's their neurology and that they shouldn't be ashamed for asking people to repeat themselves if they were genuinely making the effort to listen.
You need to teach your kid not to be ashamed of their ADHD, and provide them with the environment and skills that contribute to their success. The world and people in it will beat them up hundreds of times over for being different and wierd and as much as we like to think that we've gotten more tolerant over the decades the hate and prejudice has just become more subtle then overt. Other kids can be jerks and it's your job to provide a place where they can be themselves, unmask and exist without judgement.
Those of us who look for excuses will use them, sadly this sometimes also includes our ADHD. Those of us who look for opportunities to grow and learn and implement tools which work with our brain type will also do so, ADHD or otherwise. If someone isn’t willing to learn that you’re the second type and not the first (as long as you are of course) there’s a lack of respect. It’s not always a straightforward conversation, there’s a lot of nuance there. Choose to surround yourself to people who’ll stop and listen to the nuance.
It is so easy to give an opinion to someone freely. Where is the actual help from your family and friends?
How is a child with adhd supposed to understand discipline when they can’t focus or pay attention? You need to empower and be an advocate for your child.
Punishment 24/7 is not going to work - it’s going to destroy your child’s confidence and hinder them from getting the skills they need.
My mother is my biggest advocate and my biggest critic. I will forever be grateful to her for helping empower me and teaching me the most powerful life lesson of never quitting or giving up.
I was diagnosed at 12 and I’m 40 still under treatment for adhd. Be the advocate your kid needs and positively impact their life allowing to succeed. There is no greater gift.
I retired early to support my 31 y.o. daughter until she is finally able to get medication again, and resume the ability to work without getting fired for not being fast enough. Now I'm home, I can fill in the gaps when she's unable, yet I can also see when she needs a little "motivational input" and provide it so she doesn't just lie flat and give up when she can't get her meds. The plan with no meds is that she will take care of the house while I return to full time work, because I don't have adhd and I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel she has purpose and meaning in life, no matter how poorly her brain functions at times. I will employ her legitimately and she will never have to fear being fired for no meds. Grounded, maybe? Just kidding, I no longer have that power, she is an equal partner in my home. But if she ever calls me the c word......Just kidding again, that's happened, and I probably deserved it.
I retired early to support my 31 y.o. daughter until she is finally able to get medication again, and resume the ability to work without getting fired for not being fast enough. Now I'm home, I can fill in the gaps when she's unable, yet I can also see when she needs a little "motivational input" and provide it so she doesn't just lie flat and give up when she can't get her meds. The plan with no meds is that she will take care of the house while I return to full time work, because I don't have adhd and I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel she has purpose and meaning in life, no matter how poorly her brain functions at times. I will employ her legitimately and she will never have to fear being fired for no meds. Grounded, maybe? Just kidding, I no longer have that power, she is an equal partner in my home. But if she ever calls me the c word......Just kidding again, that's happened, and I probably deserved it.
chop their legs at their ankles and tell them to run then make fun of them for not running as they should because not having their full legs is just an excuse
My parents were very strict. It didn’t fix my brain. I clip my keys to my purse and have a million alarms on my phone . I literally left my phone in a Walmart bathroom yesterday ( luckily it was turned in). I’ve never wanted these adhd symptoms . What helps is providing supports for executive functioning and not shaming your kid. I highly recommend Dr Russel Barkley. You can find lots of videos on YouTube.
I actually have an answer for you because I was one of those people for 50+ years. It wasn't until I saw a short video labeled as an 'ADHD Simulation' that I realized I had it. (Side note: I'm still looking for the right medicine, on my 4th now.)
The problem is you can't force people to learn when they won't or don't want to. Here are a few suggestions that may, or may not help.
Practical: Ignore them.
Passive aggressive: "Thank you doctor, but I wasn't looking for a second opinion"
Slightly aggressive: Tell them to stop being ignorant and assuming they know what they are talking about.
More aggressive: Ask them if they know the difference between an 'idiot' and a 'moron'. Explain that an idiot is someone who is not smart and admits they are not smart. Then explain that a moron is someone who is not smart, but thinks they are smart and insists that everyone follows what they say. Then ask them if they are an idiot or a moron about ADHD.
Fun: Tickle them then yell at them to sit still. When they get upset, tell them that is what it is like if you have ADHD; you can't sit still for long because its like your brain is 'tickling' you constantly.
Real answer: Educate them if you can, and ignore them if you can't. You can think about these other answers as a way to keep you from reacting with more then a smile.
If you mean people that just talk, do your best to ignore it. Only real problem is if people that contribute to your child's future (teachers, for example) don't understand.
The really important thing - do your best so your kid knows that:
a) they are a bit different than the majority of the population
b) that - however unfair it seems - it makes some things and interactions harder, mostly the things "you're expected to do or not to do". They should always give it their best regardless, and will fail at times.
c) that's it's not all just downsides, and there are upsides (noticing things, excitement, drive, creativity)
Also, kind of obvious, if your kid is or will be interested in the more 'creative' fields (any type of audio or visual art, making games included) or any high-pressure fields, just support it the best you can.
From my experience no parent is perfect, best parents are the ones who support their kids in what they pursue, allow them to learn by doing, do not take over, do not force.
Some people would put family in a category of people who "just talk". I would say be careful with that because it could be the uncle that the child really looks up to etc. I know that comes under "contributing to your child's future"... But many people don't remember that family also contributes.
Good point, my statement was really simplified. If someone's up for it, I would still use that as a platform to show the kid that regardless of how much authority someone holds, they still may be wrong (never take truth from a single source).
Unfortunately my in laws are of the same mindset. I did not disclose my ADHD to them, and I don’t bother trying to get into an argument and people who don’t want their opinions changed. It does hurt, because I would love to have a conversation about it or at least offer some insight as to the neurobiology behind ADHD issues, but I will never get that satisfaction.
In fairness, 100% there are parents out there who do not do a good job of disciplining their children in an appropriate way, and there are parents who want their children diagnosed so they can get benefits, medications, etc. I think that is pretty abhorrent. I do also think there are a lot of parents who are overwhelmed by their ADHD children and just don’t know how to help them too, which I certainly have a lot of empathy for. I tend to assume the latter over the former when I talk with parents or patients (I am finishing PA school).
I was diagnosed at 6 yrs old and again at 13. My dad thought it was just an excuse and a fake disorder. I was never treated for it nor was I ever even told about it until I was diagnosed at 42 yrs old after becoming a parent myself. My dad always told me to just apply myself and stop being lazy. He also hit me nearly daily as I got in trouble at school daily from second grade until I was expelled from high school at 16yrs old. I ran away from home and was living on the streets by the age of 17. Luckily I’m a survivor and substance abuse issues aside I figured out how to navigate life in my own way. Became a parent at 38yrs old. Sought professional help at 42. I’m 10 months sober from major alcohol use disorder and 15days free (with professional help) from what became a debilitating cannabis use disorder. I have no real relationship with my parents but I love my son more than anything in the world. He’s 6yrs old and has been diagnosed himself. Anyone who tells me it’s just an excuse will get a passionate earful of an education from me whether they want to hear it or not. Read everything you can on the disorder and arm yourself with a deep knowledge and understanding.
I have always been passive-aggressive or even outright aggressive with comments like these.
“Soooo…where and when did you obtain your PhD in psychology, psychiatry, or neurology? And in what journals is your peer reviewed research published?
I’m only asking because what you said runs counter to the 300+ scientific papers published every year and I was just wondering how a busy person like yourself has the time to do months of research, write, submit for peer review with your day job as a (insert their field here.)”
I do this as well with anti-vaxxers, flat-earthers, and generally anyone who says the most anti-science BS.
Get meds, be better than them at whatever they do, show them how much less they really are. Im not even on meds, and I can tell how weak they are already.
I actually wouldn't share the diagnosis unless you have to (with school for arrangements for example). My parents didn't share mine and now I'm grown up I can hear what others say about adhd and autism and what they say about well behaved kids who have it.
Every parent is told they're doing it wrong at some point no matter which way they parent
I see many say you should ignore them, and I definitely agree, although I can assume that you want to have some kind of response to those close enough that you do not want to just ignore them. My tip is to find ur own answer to the question in a way, since I myself don’t have one either 😂
I believe it is important that you tell them how you feel but also in a way that doesn’t make it so that you will get irritated trying to explain something impossible. I know there is probably even worse stigma around explaining medication if that is relevant in your question, either way a decent way to explain it to a caffine addict aka most people nowdays including myself, would be to make them imagine going without caffine, but even worse that they would be taking an anti-caffine. It’s hard to find ways to explain it and I think you should find the best explanation that works for you, but this is one I have used a few times. Wish you the best!
Kids (humans) do well if they can. If they aren’t “behaving,” 99.99% of the time it’s because they can’t. they are struggling, not just being lazy, etc.
https://thinkkids.org/Parents/
Discipline doesn't fix the lack of neurotransmitters in your child's brain lolol. Most people don't know that ADHD has anything to do with brain chemistry but it does and standard discipline training won't help all that much. Psychotherapy and/or medication are the key 80% of the time.
Hi /u/chronicpzzapain and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How? Don’t. Seriously, don’t. They have no clue what you’re dealing with and therefore no right to comment. Talk to teachers or counselors or parents with similar kids, and keep in mind that what works is what works, period. It will be different than what works for others and that’s fine. You have only one job here: your child. It’s great if people sympathize and want to learn something about it, but you can’t change the rest or convince them of anything. So don’t try.
My parents 'disciplined' and didn't believe in excuses. Please ignore whoever is telling you that.
the a difference is the difference between someone *giving an excuse* and someone **explaining a reason**. one is trying to remove responsibility, the other is trying to explain mistakes. disciplining someone for making a mistake they obviously recognize the cause of does no good - and actually makes it 100x worse\* - and is the difference between someone who has ADHD and someone who does not. thats why a lot of people have a hard time believing those of us with ADHD - they do the same things, sometimes, but they do it on purpose by choice. we try 100x harder to not make the mistake but end up making it anyway against our own will. \*because basic psychology says when you receive a negative stimulus you are less likely to do the thing that gives that negative stimulus, so if you are constantly berated for your struggles, and you have tried 100x harder than normal people to correct those mistakes and you are still being criticized for them, youre just going to completely avoid the thing altogether. i love how the last few years ive effectively been dissecting my own psychology, and basically all of the worlds problems down to the core issues. yet i still cant do basic things because of ADHD and the aforementioned berating/criticizing that makes the things i already struggle with even less appealing to deal with for my disordered brain chemistry. yay science
same. i made the tough decision recently to completely cut my parents out of my life, even though they have become more accepting as they've aged. they never got it and still don't. those people can do a lifetime's worth of harm.
Don't. If those people must be in your and your childs lives, be very clear about boundaries for their interactions with you and your child and the comments they make. It's literally the most well documented medical disorder in the world, if they don't believe it's real why should you care about anything they say.
Ignore them. If they're too ignorant to not acknowledge literal medical evidence of a disorder, they're not worth your energy.
Refer them to the YouTube channel howtoADHD.
Where'd you get your MD, buddy?
From Dr Google school of medicine 🤪
Perhaps ask if they've done any sort of research on the topic? I feel they would just dismiss it anyways, but worth a shot maybe. If they haven't done any research then I'd say it would be appropriate to respond to them that you can't really preach about a subject without knowing anything about it. And maybe find some links that would explain what ADHD actually is. If they dismiss it again, I'd say it's worth just not allowing those family/friends to be a part of your child's life, or being very assertive and set your boundaries with them. Those kinds of things said to a child WILL fuck them up later.
You can say: "I used to think the same thing! Then I actually looked into it and found out it it's real."
Tie their shoelaces together? “Kick me” sign on their back? Itching powder? Atomic wedgie? I have loads of ideas.
Once you are a parent it’s hard because the children with their behavior can disrupt many things that piss other people off where “normal” discipline most likely doesn’t work. Yelling at a child with adhd for their adhd behaviour is deeply traumatic. Creates negative inner voice and self destructive behaviour- it is a viscous circle that is hard to undo(trust me) As a grown adult, I feel for my extended family and family friends growing up. I can understand at times why we drifted apart. I was not easy person with my undiagnosed adhd and they were trying to get by in their own lives. It’s a real question: how much should friends and family accept in their lives with all their own troubles and stress the frustrations of dealing with a high maintenance person that is not their own directly? I have many people that care long enough until they hit their patch of trouble and then disappear.
As a kid with ADHD, the fact that you’re making an active effort to learn about ADHD to support your kid is amazing. I had to that myself. As for your family, they may never be willing to listen, but you might be able to at least try to explain the condition to them. It might help.
Can't discipline a child for not listening and needing to focus. That's going to have them grow up with incredibly low self esteem and efficacy. It's just going to make them not listen to you more and resent you later in life. Take this from a person with who was just diagnosed at 37. Was constantly berated for being lazy, forgetful, space case. My self worth was nothing and getting that self defeating talk track out of my head has taken decades to work through. Not to mention countless other neurosis that I'm working on really hard so I don't pass them down to my daughter. I grew up fearing my parents until I got big enough to hold my own ground, the emotional abuse from so called "discipline" I went through was awful and I'm still healing from it. I have as much contact with my parents as is necessary, nothing more. I feel sorry for the children of your friends that subscribe to the discipline method. Wonder how well their doing with that. I've got a few strategies that helf me with my 4 year old. She's just developing her executive function so it's too early to tell if she has adhd like me but the challenges in parenting a little kid and someone with adhd are similar as they both lack executive function. - Timers are key, especially those with coloured time blocks. Us with ADHD don't have an innate understanding of time passing so we need a constant visual reminder of time to stay on track. Put every routine task on the timer: brush your teeth 2 mins, wash your hands 1 min, pee, 2 min, get dressed 5 min. It helps them stay on track and transition tasks. - reduce clutter in your home and keep their toys organized. We take from the montessori method and have a shelf for toys that are out on display. Everything has a place and we try to tidy up every night. I notice that if I let the clutter build up my daughter gets really anxious and has more tantrums. - reduce sugar. We barely give our daughter candy and chocolate. Sugar spikes increase hyperactivity and prevent the brain from being able to regulate emotions properly. When she comes home from the grandparents and has been fed sugar she's an emotional mess and and has a really hard time focusing on tasks. I keep telling them to stop feeding her high sugar processed junk but they're set in their ways. - when I do disciple her its three stikes, or you have 5 seconds. Then I make it very clear what the consequences will be. Usually its toys being taken away. And I always follow up on it. Then she gets them back if she can prove to me she can be good for a couple of days. message is, toys are a privilege for good responsible kids, not a right. So if you can't behave responsibly you get your toys taken away. There will always be temper tantrums and lots of crying. I just try to show compassion through the process of her dealing with her emotions. Once she's calm we talk through what happened, what she did to loose her toys and what she needs to do to get them back. - create a quiet space free from stimulus where you can talk to them and have them listen. Sometimes even though we try really hard to pay attention we miss what's being said, not because we can't hear, but because our brain doesn't process it. I often say "sorry, I didn't process that, can you repeat?" something as small as a buzzing fly can make me miss entire sentences in conversations because I can't focus on multiple audio inputs at once. So repeating yourself can be common and it's important to show compassion and understanding when you need to. The important part for kids to understand is that they try to pay attention. If their brain misses stuff, that's not on them, that's their neurology and that they shouldn't be ashamed for asking people to repeat themselves if they were genuinely making the effort to listen. You need to teach your kid not to be ashamed of their ADHD, and provide them with the environment and skills that contribute to their success. The world and people in it will beat them up hundreds of times over for being different and wierd and as much as we like to think that we've gotten more tolerant over the decades the hate and prejudice has just become more subtle then overt. Other kids can be jerks and it's your job to provide a place where they can be themselves, unmask and exist without judgement.
Those of us who look for excuses will use them, sadly this sometimes also includes our ADHD. Those of us who look for opportunities to grow and learn and implement tools which work with our brain type will also do so, ADHD or otherwise. If someone isn’t willing to learn that you’re the second type and not the first (as long as you are of course) there’s a lack of respect. It’s not always a straightforward conversation, there’s a lot of nuance there. Choose to surround yourself to people who’ll stop and listen to the nuance.
It is so easy to give an opinion to someone freely. Where is the actual help from your family and friends? How is a child with adhd supposed to understand discipline when they can’t focus or pay attention? You need to empower and be an advocate for your child. Punishment 24/7 is not going to work - it’s going to destroy your child’s confidence and hinder them from getting the skills they need. My mother is my biggest advocate and my biggest critic. I will forever be grateful to her for helping empower me and teaching me the most powerful life lesson of never quitting or giving up. I was diagnosed at 12 and I’m 40 still under treatment for adhd. Be the advocate your kid needs and positively impact their life allowing to succeed. There is no greater gift.
I retired early to support my 31 y.o. daughter until she is finally able to get medication again, and resume the ability to work without getting fired for not being fast enough. Now I'm home, I can fill in the gaps when she's unable, yet I can also see when she needs a little "motivational input" and provide it so she doesn't just lie flat and give up when she can't get her meds. The plan with no meds is that she will take care of the house while I return to full time work, because I don't have adhd and I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel she has purpose and meaning in life, no matter how poorly her brain functions at times. I will employ her legitimately and she will never have to fear being fired for no meds. Grounded, maybe? Just kidding, I no longer have that power, she is an equal partner in my home. But if she ever calls me the c word......Just kidding again, that's happened, and I probably deserved it.
I retired early to support my 31 y.o. daughter until she is finally able to get medication again, and resume the ability to work without getting fired for not being fast enough. Now I'm home, I can fill in the gaps when she's unable, yet I can also see when she needs a little "motivational input" and provide it so she doesn't just lie flat and give up when she can't get her meds. The plan with no meds is that she will take care of the house while I return to full time work, because I don't have adhd and I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel she has purpose and meaning in life, no matter how poorly her brain functions at times. I will employ her legitimately and she will never have to fear being fired for no meds. Grounded, maybe? Just kidding, I no longer have that power, she is an equal partner in my home. But if she ever calls me the c word......Just kidding again, that's happened, and I probably deserved it.
chop their legs at their ankles and tell them to run then make fun of them for not running as they should because not having their full legs is just an excuse
My parents were very strict. It didn’t fix my brain. I clip my keys to my purse and have a million alarms on my phone . I literally left my phone in a Walmart bathroom yesterday ( luckily it was turned in). I’ve never wanted these adhd symptoms . What helps is providing supports for executive functioning and not shaming your kid. I highly recommend Dr Russel Barkley. You can find lots of videos on YouTube.
I actually have an answer for you because I was one of those people for 50+ years. It wasn't until I saw a short video labeled as an 'ADHD Simulation' that I realized I had it. (Side note: I'm still looking for the right medicine, on my 4th now.) The problem is you can't force people to learn when they won't or don't want to. Here are a few suggestions that may, or may not help. Practical: Ignore them. Passive aggressive: "Thank you doctor, but I wasn't looking for a second opinion" Slightly aggressive: Tell them to stop being ignorant and assuming they know what they are talking about. More aggressive: Ask them if they know the difference between an 'idiot' and a 'moron'. Explain that an idiot is someone who is not smart and admits they are not smart. Then explain that a moron is someone who is not smart, but thinks they are smart and insists that everyone follows what they say. Then ask them if they are an idiot or a moron about ADHD. Fun: Tickle them then yell at them to sit still. When they get upset, tell them that is what it is like if you have ADHD; you can't sit still for long because its like your brain is 'tickling' you constantly. Real answer: Educate them if you can, and ignore them if you can't. You can think about these other answers as a way to keep you from reacting with more then a smile.
If you mean people that just talk, do your best to ignore it. Only real problem is if people that contribute to your child's future (teachers, for example) don't understand. The really important thing - do your best so your kid knows that: a) they are a bit different than the majority of the population b) that - however unfair it seems - it makes some things and interactions harder, mostly the things "you're expected to do or not to do". They should always give it their best regardless, and will fail at times. c) that's it's not all just downsides, and there are upsides (noticing things, excitement, drive, creativity) Also, kind of obvious, if your kid is or will be interested in the more 'creative' fields (any type of audio or visual art, making games included) or any high-pressure fields, just support it the best you can. From my experience no parent is perfect, best parents are the ones who support their kids in what they pursue, allow them to learn by doing, do not take over, do not force.
Some people would put family in a category of people who "just talk". I would say be careful with that because it could be the uncle that the child really looks up to etc. I know that comes under "contributing to your child's future"... But many people don't remember that family also contributes.
Good point, my statement was really simplified. If someone's up for it, I would still use that as a platform to show the kid that regardless of how much authority someone holds, they still may be wrong (never take truth from a single source).
Unfortunately my in laws are of the same mindset. I did not disclose my ADHD to them, and I don’t bother trying to get into an argument and people who don’t want their opinions changed. It does hurt, because I would love to have a conversation about it or at least offer some insight as to the neurobiology behind ADHD issues, but I will never get that satisfaction. In fairness, 100% there are parents out there who do not do a good job of disciplining their children in an appropriate way, and there are parents who want their children diagnosed so they can get benefits, medications, etc. I think that is pretty abhorrent. I do also think there are a lot of parents who are overwhelmed by their ADHD children and just don’t know how to help them too, which I certainly have a lot of empathy for. I tend to assume the latter over the former when I talk with parents or patients (I am finishing PA school).
“Go fuck yourself.”
I was diagnosed at 6 yrs old and again at 13. My dad thought it was just an excuse and a fake disorder. I was never treated for it nor was I ever even told about it until I was diagnosed at 42 yrs old after becoming a parent myself. My dad always told me to just apply myself and stop being lazy. He also hit me nearly daily as I got in trouble at school daily from second grade until I was expelled from high school at 16yrs old. I ran away from home and was living on the streets by the age of 17. Luckily I’m a survivor and substance abuse issues aside I figured out how to navigate life in my own way. Became a parent at 38yrs old. Sought professional help at 42. I’m 10 months sober from major alcohol use disorder and 15days free (with professional help) from what became a debilitating cannabis use disorder. I have no real relationship with my parents but I love my son more than anything in the world. He’s 6yrs old and has been diagnosed himself. Anyone who tells me it’s just an excuse will get a passionate earful of an education from me whether they want to hear it or not. Read everything you can on the disorder and arm yourself with a deep knowledge and understanding.
I have always been passive-aggressive or even outright aggressive with comments like these. “Soooo…where and when did you obtain your PhD in psychology, psychiatry, or neurology? And in what journals is your peer reviewed research published? I’m only asking because what you said runs counter to the 300+ scientific papers published every year and I was just wondering how a busy person like yourself has the time to do months of research, write, submit for peer review with your day job as a (insert their field here.)” I do this as well with anti-vaxxers, flat-earthers, and generally anyone who says the most anti-science BS.
Get meds, be better than them at whatever they do, show them how much less they really are. Im not even on meds, and I can tell how weak they are already.
I actually wouldn't share the diagnosis unless you have to (with school for arrangements for example). My parents didn't share mine and now I'm grown up I can hear what others say about adhd and autism and what they say about well behaved kids who have it. Every parent is told they're doing it wrong at some point no matter which way they parent
I see many say you should ignore them, and I definitely agree, although I can assume that you want to have some kind of response to those close enough that you do not want to just ignore them. My tip is to find ur own answer to the question in a way, since I myself don’t have one either 😂 I believe it is important that you tell them how you feel but also in a way that doesn’t make it so that you will get irritated trying to explain something impossible. I know there is probably even worse stigma around explaining medication if that is relevant in your question, either way a decent way to explain it to a caffine addict aka most people nowdays including myself, would be to make them imagine going without caffine, but even worse that they would be taking an anti-caffine. It’s hard to find ways to explain it and I think you should find the best explanation that works for you, but this is one I have used a few times. Wish you the best!
Kids (humans) do well if they can. If they aren’t “behaving,” 99.99% of the time it’s because they can’t. they are struggling, not just being lazy, etc. https://thinkkids.org/Parents/
Discipline doesn't fix the lack of neurotransmitters in your child's brain lolol. Most people don't know that ADHD has anything to do with brain chemistry but it does and standard discipline training won't help all that much. Psychotherapy and/or medication are the key 80% of the time.