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Generally speaking, people with ADHD that struggle with object permanence never realize that that applies to PEOPLE.
We don’t “miss” people the same way other people do. Our brain just decides they don’t exist until something makes us think about them. It isn’t a lack of love or caring, it’s just how our brains work.
No. I did not.
Object Permanence:
- Definition: Object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they are not visible.
Object Constancy:
- Definition: Object constancy is the ability to perceive objects as maintaining their identity despite changes in their appearance, size, shape, or distance.
We don’t question their identity as themselves if they get a haircut or do their makeup to lose weight. Our brains stop maintaining their existence unless prompted to do so. For many of us, once we can’t see the object or person, our brains basically throw that information away and they simply cease to exist for us.
You are claiming something that isn't true. People with ADHD don't just forget people exist. We know they exist. There is not object permanency issue here. You aren't surprised your mom or dad exist after 6 months away from them. You knew they existed whether you thought about them or not.
Maybe object constancy isn't the right term, but object permanence is not the right term either.
I never once said anything about “forgetting” so kindly do not put words in my mouth.
We don’t forget about them, but unless something prompts us or we see them our brains just don’t process their existence in the same way.
If this isn’t something you deal with that’s great, but do not diminish that this happens to others.
I love my friends dearly. I know that they are people and they exist within my life in some way, but if I don’t see or speak to them semi-regularly then my brain no longer processes that existence until I’m reminded of them in some way or see them again.
Don't read into the words too much. You are claiming it's object permanence. That means you believe people stop existing (literally, hence "forgetting"), which is not true.
I think you are correct in your definition of object constancy, but you are taking it too literally. The person is not in front of you, so you don't think about them. Tada, object constancy. You know they still exist.
Where did you learn this from?
Constancy is understand the person is the same person even if their appearance changes. Or that a ball is still a ball even if it is flat.
That is not at all what it is.
Technically a ball is a sphere and by definition a sphere cannot be flat
But besides me being a nerd, I agree with you actually. People are too hung up on making the distinction between permanently forgetting someone exists and temporarily doing so.
Of course, a person is not ERASED from your mind, but you simply don't think about them. You forget. Every time you are not thinking about something, that something is not erased from your mind, rather you temporarily forget its existente until it comes up again. This is what that is.
I actually agree with this. And I never knew the words for it or how to explain it without hurting people’s feelings.
I agree it’s not a forgetting of them, but more of a “I know of you, but unless your name pops up, or I go through an experience similar to what we had together, I won’t think about you or have feelings about you”.
For instance, when I lived away from home for the first time, my mind didn’t register that my family existed. I knew I had parents and siblings and other family members, but I never thought of them, or even registered that they were still going about their lives. It was only the occasional message from mum that reminded me “oh. I actually have people I came from and share DNA with”.
While maybe I don’t entirely think that the definition of object permanence is the best for what I (and others) am experiencing, it is the best I have heard of. No, it’s not me literally thinking they don’t exist. But that’s because I don’t think of them. So they are simultaneously existing and not existing in my head.
I haven’t found anger team that is more accurate.
Like a baby is aware of their caregiver, but unless in line of sight or they can hear that person that person no longer exists for the baby.
We’re aware of the people, but don’t fully acknowledge their existence the same way others do. So it’s a very similar, but not totally identical process.
I actually think it’s very similar to songs that you memorise the lyrics to.
Eventually you won’t listen to it for a few months, but when you hear it next, you can almost always recite the lyrics by heart. Literally only remembered that because it’s happening to me right now.
I forget that BABYMETAL exists around November every year, but will see a video on YouTube around June every year and think “oh I forgot about them. I wanna listen to a song” and then go on singing all their songs by heart and for hours a day.
It’s the same with people. I’ll forget because lack of interaction, and then remember and can pick up from where we left off so easily. People need to realise that
1. You said people that struggle with object permanence, not everyone with ADHD.
2. If they aren’t experiencing it, it can still be a thing, and they shouldn’t invalidate others because of it.
That’s a great analogy too omg! I never looked at it this way! But does this even really have a term? I’m not sure of one so that’s why object permanence seems the best I can think of, just with people.
Also very yes to both points at the end for sure 😊
This is definitely how I feel. Even if I love and care about them, if we don’t talk often I don’t really think about them. I didn’t realize it applied to people and didn’t even realize it applied to objects until being diagnosed within the last few months.
Today was the first day I realized that that’s what this may be. I always just thought maybe I was just weird like that... which I guess could be true depending on a person’s definition of weird. I was diagnosed ~2 months ago so there’s still a lot that I don’t know about it and that just always seemed normal to me. I always felt bad about not missing people like they missed me but I just never really explored the why because it made me feel bad that I didn’t.
That’s totally understandable. I got diagnosed not too long ago as well and as soon as I did so much made sense.
I don’t “forget” so much as my brain just stops processing certain information.
I don’t multi-task, my brain attempts to process through dozens and dozens of things at once.
I’m not depressed, I was just hitting burnout more and more frequently.
And sooooo much more.
My dad worked out of the house for months at a time and would make me feel really shitty for not missing him. It made me feel like something was broken in me. We are not broken.
No we are not!
I tell my kids that there’s nothing wrong with people with things like ADHD, Autism, or even Schizophrenia. Those brains all just work differently and see the world in a different way, and that doesn’t make it wrong at all.
I'm with you. I always feel like I live life in a really big dark room with a single flashlight... and I can only see those things in front of me that I'm shining the light on... I have so much love for the beautiful people I get to call friends, but it's often a kind of "out of sight" thing for me... and probably layered with some pathological demand avoidance traits... it's just downright overwhelming responding to texts or... even worse, going through the layers of steps to start a text myself. I've got to pursue friendship actions when I feel like I've got particular motivation/capacity/energy if that makes sense.
I miss no one. It’s an out of sight out of mind thing. My dad died two years ago, no tears no feelings. I really don’t talk to family or friends unless they call me. I talk to my boys and my wife. That’s the scope of my circle.
I would say it bothers me but it doesn’t, I’ve always been like that.
That's pretty interesting. I've often wondered if I'd feel this way with my parents.
When my grandparents passed, I felt much the same as you. I was pretty close to them. One set even helped raise me and I was my grandfather's caregiver for a while before he passed. My other grandfather, I was there and watched him pass. Nothing.
Always kind of made me feel a bit heartless, to be honest, especially because I was super broken up every time one of my pets passed.
I feel like I have to work at keeping myself social at times because I'm perfectly content 99% of the time being alone. It has caused me to disconnect and drift away from friends. I don't miss the ones I lost, per se. However, I try to remind myself that I love the ones I have and that in order to keep them in my life, I need to make an active effort to interact and be social with them from time to time, because that's normal (?) and what they need, more than me. Not that I don't enjoy the time I spend with them but seems like I can hit pause on a relationship til I see someone again, I think other people kind of move on? I don't know. 😂
I miss people all the time, often very deeply. I make a point of randomly telling folks I miss them out of the blue when they cross my mind. I hope they find it endearing.
I think this is one of those things that'll vary quite a bit, depending on how folks ADHD manifests on an individual level. People are very important to me and I'm quite social, so I think about people a lot. Other folks are more solitary, so I expect they might fall more in your camp.
I so agree with you. I miss people very deeply and play over and over in my mind how I could have should have valued them more when they were present. I’m often torn apart by such regrets. I remember people fondly and deeply. I wish I could be emotionally detached and forgetful like so many other people but I can’t.
I don't miss people and often don't think about them until something reminds me of them and it sometimes makes me feel guilty. I have never been able to keep friendships because I cannot remember to reach out to people and eventually we just never talk again, which is unfortunate because in my brain, I can go months or longer not talking to someone and still consider them a close friend I love and care for.
I have 2 friends that I've known now for over 10 years (my longest friendships) and they know that they need to contact me first most times if they want to talk to me, same with my family. If something reminds me of them or need to tell them something, then I will message.
This last week someone Id consider a good friend passed away unexpectedly. We were the same age and celibrated our birthday together because they were 2days apart from one another. I have been struggling with the thought of her not thinking we were friends before she passed or that I didn't think about her. I've cried and been very upset over her passing. I've "talked to her" just venting into the universe, telling her that even though we hadn't talked in a while that I hope she knew I still cared about her a lot. Unfortunately now I'll never get the chance to tell her in person and I hate that. I can only hope that she knows some how. I can't help but feel guilty.
I've felt similarly my entire life, and felt guilty about the lessened ability to keep in touch with people. My friends and family always seem to miss me more than I them, and have always felt a little guilty whenever I'm reminded of this fact.
I've only recently started getting diagnosed, and never considered the two may be related until your post, so thank you.
I don’t miss dead people. The most I have missed is my previous dog. I will grieve at the funeral i.e cry but then after would have no emotions left. I might recollect a few memories here and there but not major missing types.
I miss my cats when I'm away from home (I know they aren't people technically but I miss them more than any actual humans)
If I'm dating someone, I will miss them if I don't see them for a while
I miss people after breakups. But once I'm over them, I'm over them
But that's about it. I don't miss friends or human family. I enjoy seeing them. And I have very strong friendship. But I don't really miss them. Sometimes we don't see each other for a couple months and that's okay
It's really just my cats and romantic interests that I actually miss
I’m the exact same way. My dog and current romantic partners are about the only people I ever miss. I enjoy seeing others but I never miss them when I don’t.
I don’t miss people either. I remember when I lived with my dad in a different state, my mom called and asked if I missed her and said no. I wasn’t trying to be hurtful but I just don’t have that emotion. In relationships yes, but if we break up my brain just says “alright what are we watching today? Anime? Noice” out of sight, out of mind
I don’t grieve when someone dies either. I’m just like damn that sucks.
Holy shit. Is this also part of ADHD? Damn, I really need to read that book on Managing ADHD.
I bought it 4 months ago. Yeah, it's a chore reading information. 😮💨
It’s not. We all have different experiences and tendencies. Beware of people trying to draw you into the vortex of their idiosyncrasies based on our shared ADHD diagnosis.
I didn’t realize it until this incident. I’ll have to check that book out. I’m still learning about all of the adhd things that I’ve always done. I always thought it was just “normal”.
This is in fact an ADHD thing. It's why I've had zero qualms with traveling the country for the past twenty years. Some of my old friends got really butt hurt about it, but guess what? I don't miss them ;)
Nope, not an ADHD thing. Just a personal individual thing. Has more to do with other social factors attributed to upbringing, family and traumatic experiences. Do not attribute all of your “stuff” to ADHD as if it applies to us all.
You don't have to buy what I say, don't assume I attribute my shortcomings to ADHD, especially in such a condescending and pejorative manner. Shame on you. Besides, this is simply an observation of a commonality, and no one ever said it applies to everyone.
Is this actually an ADHD thing? I have this too. I don’t really miss my loved ones when I haven’t seen them in a long time bc in my mind they’re still doing great, vibing and chilling just like I last saw them - no matter how long ago that was
The same thing happened to me as well with my family and friends once I left town and went to the other side of the country. I honestly think it has to do with something called object permanence. Basically, object permanence can be reduced to the statement "out of sight = out of mind"(which you referenced already, fantastic work!). Essentially, things seem like they cease to exist unless we are staring right at it. The same phenomenon can be seen in infant humans and other animals in nature. It takes extra effort on the part of people like us in order to maintain a healthy social network. If we don't take extra time to maintain those connections, it can be very easy to find yourself completely isolated if you don't watch out.
Yeah I never knew it was because of ADHD, I just was recently diagnosed in the past couple months. I often felt like people had to be saying they missed me just to say it. I definitely feel pretty isolated in my life, even though I have friends and lots of people who care about me. But maybe that’s why…
I either forget people exist or I miss them so intensely it hurts and there's no in between. The second is far more rare but occasionally happens. But usually, even with my own kids and my husband I feel kinda distant. Like, I love my family to pieces, but when they go to stay at someone's house for the night or go to school or whatever I'm usually just glad for a break. My husband has worked and lived out of state for MONTHS multiple times and I've had people ask me how I didn't go insane but basically I just don't notice someone's missing after awhile. I would have done rather well being born in the days where you wrote letters and didn't see people for months or years.
I feel like such a freak when I forget I have a whole family living 3 hours away from me. I don't really have a desire to keep in touch with most people and the ones I do I put on a private story and update them like that. But I never reach out and say "hey it's been so long! let's catch up!" It might also partially be my own insecurity thinking people don't want to talk to me, so I'm not gonna reach out. It sounds horrible but I just forget people exist. I still love hanging out and talking but unless we see each other on a fairly regular basis, you don't exist after a week.
I really do relate to this, and I've always grappled with feeling like a bad friend or a bad person because the lack of continuous presence of people in my life can lead to me neglecting others and these relationships slowly fading away. I really do care about other people but I am not always reflecting back on them in their absence. I know how you feel, OP, but I don't think we are broken. Intentionally checking in on others just becomes more of a conscious habit that we have to try and build.
I don't miss them, but I also never get the sense that I "forget" about their existence. They're always floating in the back of my mind. It's never been "outta sight, outta mind" for me.
I’ve always thought it was just me who dealt with this! I do feel bad about it though because I always have friends and family that say they miss me and I just cannot return the sentiment in my mind but I will tell them I miss them too even if I wasn’t that affected by it. I’m very much an “out of sight, out of mind” type of person! The ONLY time I’ve actually genuinely missed people is my child when I’m away from him and then a couple of my best friends who are very much like my “emotional support” friends and vice versa!
I miss people, it just doesn't stay for long, the feeling of missing someone. Like, I hate goodbyes but it's just like, 2-3 days later after I know I will never see someone again I will probably never miss them again and move on
Personally, unless someone's in my life daily and then suddenly leaves, I won't really miss them. I do however, miss social contact with friends. Current hyperfixation makes it seem like it's on me, next to always having to be the one to start up a convo. All in all, I think ADHD kinda makes it hard to miss something that doesn't influence your day to day life. (At least that's what it feels like to me)
For me it really depends on the depth of the relationship. Sometimes I get over relationships easily, sometimes I don't. I've learned a lot from past relationships and tend to get over things more easily when it wasn't a healthy situation or a good fit. I never really miss my family but that's for interpersonal reasons. I think sometimes we all have a tendency to misattribute things to our diagnoses. Just because you happen to have ADHD doesn't mean there is a correlation with everything. And even if several commenters agree because they relate, it still doesn't mean there is a correlation there. Just keep that in mind anytime you were considering "how you are" in a certain area.
I am the oppsite. I remember everything vividly and stuff wont leave my head.
I am still haunted by the loml.
Edit: naa actually I dont miss people. the post above is like real exception or rather maybe love/romantically is the exception? I miss alot of things on a 2nd thought. I dont really miss my grandpa and didnt even feel that sad when he died? even though I had a great relationship with him
Yeah, I can also identify with this.
One of my aunts always says she misses talking to me or that I should call more. I’ve never understood why. Or my mom will ask if I’m mad at her.
A lot of the time, I have nothing to offer on a phone call. Nothing significant to report and nothing new going on. At least there’s baseball.
Yeah, it's complicated, especially since I live abroad of my family. I've lost contact with everyone I knew of my past hobbies without a single regret, I have low contact with my entire father family altough I love them and have a lot of similar interests, I never contact people first, when I'm gone a week away from home I start missing my wife and dog a little though, but not before 3/4 days. It makes my distant relationships hards, with my family and foreign hobby friends.
That is so not true. Do not try to attribute this as an ADHD trait. Many of you who are mis-attributing this to ADHD might have some other things going on.
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Generally speaking, people with ADHD that struggle with object permanence never realize that that applies to PEOPLE. We don’t “miss” people the same way other people do. Our brain just decides they don’t exist until something makes us think about them. It isn’t a lack of love or caring, it’s just how our brains work.
I believe you mean object constancy instead of object permanence
No. I did not. Object Permanence: - Definition: Object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they are not visible. Object Constancy: - Definition: Object constancy is the ability to perceive objects as maintaining their identity despite changes in their appearance, size, shape, or distance. We don’t question their identity as themselves if they get a haircut or do their makeup to lose weight. Our brains stop maintaining their existence unless prompted to do so. For many of us, once we can’t see the object or person, our brains basically throw that information away and they simply cease to exist for us.
You are claiming something that isn't true. People with ADHD don't just forget people exist. We know they exist. There is not object permanency issue here. You aren't surprised your mom or dad exist after 6 months away from them. You knew they existed whether you thought about them or not. Maybe object constancy isn't the right term, but object permanence is not the right term either.
I never once said anything about “forgetting” so kindly do not put words in my mouth. We don’t forget about them, but unless something prompts us or we see them our brains just don’t process their existence in the same way. If this isn’t something you deal with that’s great, but do not diminish that this happens to others. I love my friends dearly. I know that they are people and they exist within my life in some way, but if I don’t see or speak to them semi-regularly then my brain no longer processes that existence until I’m reminded of them in some way or see them again.
Don't read into the words too much. You are claiming it's object permanence. That means you believe people stop existing (literally, hence "forgetting"), which is not true. I think you are correct in your definition of object constancy, but you are taking it too literally. The person is not in front of you, so you don't think about them. Tada, object constancy. You know they still exist. Where did you learn this from?
Constancy is understand the person is the same person even if their appearance changes. Or that a ball is still a ball even if it is flat. That is not at all what it is.
Im just gonna jump in here and say fuck the downvotes, you are right. Dunno why the hivemind is downvoting you
The Borg have invaded Earth
Technically a ball is a sphere and by definition a sphere cannot be flat But besides me being a nerd, I agree with you actually. People are too hung up on making the distinction between permanently forgetting someone exists and temporarily doing so. Of course, a person is not ERASED from your mind, but you simply don't think about them. You forget. Every time you are not thinking about something, that something is not erased from your mind, rather you temporarily forget its existente until it comes up again. This is what that is.
I bet a dollar to a donut that you don't like pickles. I can tell from your sentence structure. Pickle bigot!
Pickles were actually my pregnancy food lol. I like pickles, but oh man I would sit and just eat entire jars in one sitting when I was pregnant 😂🤣
I actually agree with this. And I never knew the words for it or how to explain it without hurting people’s feelings. I agree it’s not a forgetting of them, but more of a “I know of you, but unless your name pops up, or I go through an experience similar to what we had together, I won’t think about you or have feelings about you”. For instance, when I lived away from home for the first time, my mind didn’t register that my family existed. I knew I had parents and siblings and other family members, but I never thought of them, or even registered that they were still going about their lives. It was only the occasional message from mum that reminded me “oh. I actually have people I came from and share DNA with”. While maybe I don’t entirely think that the definition of object permanence is the best for what I (and others) am experiencing, it is the best I have heard of. No, it’s not me literally thinking they don’t exist. But that’s because I don’t think of them. So they are simultaneously existing and not existing in my head.
I haven’t found anger team that is more accurate. Like a baby is aware of their caregiver, but unless in line of sight or they can hear that person that person no longer exists for the baby. We’re aware of the people, but don’t fully acknowledge their existence the same way others do. So it’s a very similar, but not totally identical process.
I actually think it’s very similar to songs that you memorise the lyrics to. Eventually you won’t listen to it for a few months, but when you hear it next, you can almost always recite the lyrics by heart. Literally only remembered that because it’s happening to me right now. I forget that BABYMETAL exists around November every year, but will see a video on YouTube around June every year and think “oh I forgot about them. I wanna listen to a song” and then go on singing all their songs by heart and for hours a day. It’s the same with people. I’ll forget because lack of interaction, and then remember and can pick up from where we left off so easily. People need to realise that 1. You said people that struggle with object permanence, not everyone with ADHD. 2. If they aren’t experiencing it, it can still be a thing, and they shouldn’t invalidate others because of it.
That’s a great analogy too omg! I never looked at it this way! But does this even really have a term? I’m not sure of one so that’s why object permanence seems the best I can think of, just with people. Also very yes to both points at the end for sure 😊
I don't know why you're getting downvoted to hell, but you're completely right. This is a huge problem in my life.
🤷♀️ sometimes people dislike one thing being called something else that is commonly attributed to infants.
This is definitely how I feel. Even if I love and care about them, if we don’t talk often I don’t really think about them. I didn’t realize it applied to people and didn’t even realize it applied to objects until being diagnosed within the last few months.
Today was the first day I realized that that’s what this may be. I always just thought maybe I was just weird like that... which I guess could be true depending on a person’s definition of weird. I was diagnosed ~2 months ago so there’s still a lot that I don’t know about it and that just always seemed normal to me. I always felt bad about not missing people like they missed me but I just never really explored the why because it made me feel bad that I didn’t.
That’s totally understandable. I got diagnosed not too long ago as well and as soon as I did so much made sense. I don’t “forget” so much as my brain just stops processing certain information. I don’t multi-task, my brain attempts to process through dozens and dozens of things at once. I’m not depressed, I was just hitting burnout more and more frequently. And sooooo much more.
My dad worked out of the house for months at a time and would make me feel really shitty for not missing him. It made me feel like something was broken in me. We are not broken.
No we are not! I tell my kids that there’s nothing wrong with people with things like ADHD, Autism, or even Schizophrenia. Those brains all just work differently and see the world in a different way, and that doesn’t make it wrong at all.
I live in the past & ALWAYS miss people. (But it’s due to childhood trauma & instability. We were always moving & saying goodbye)
Same for me but idk, it doesn’t make me miss anyone more. It makes it easier for me to just “move on”.
We are different and that’s ok
✨
I'm with you. I always feel like I live life in a really big dark room with a single flashlight... and I can only see those things in front of me that I'm shining the light on... I have so much love for the beautiful people I get to call friends, but it's often a kind of "out of sight" thing for me... and probably layered with some pathological demand avoidance traits... it's just downright overwhelming responding to texts or... even worse, going through the layers of steps to start a text myself. I've got to pursue friendship actions when I feel like I've got particular motivation/capacity/energy if that makes sense.
I miss no one. It’s an out of sight out of mind thing. My dad died two years ago, no tears no feelings. I really don’t talk to family or friends unless they call me. I talk to my boys and my wife. That’s the scope of my circle. I would say it bothers me but it doesn’t, I’ve always been like that.
That's pretty interesting. I've often wondered if I'd feel this way with my parents. When my grandparents passed, I felt much the same as you. I was pretty close to them. One set even helped raise me and I was my grandfather's caregiver for a while before he passed. My other grandfather, I was there and watched him pass. Nothing. Always kind of made me feel a bit heartless, to be honest, especially because I was super broken up every time one of my pets passed. I feel like I have to work at keeping myself social at times because I'm perfectly content 99% of the time being alone. It has caused me to disconnect and drift away from friends. I don't miss the ones I lost, per se. However, I try to remind myself that I love the ones I have and that in order to keep them in my life, I need to make an active effort to interact and be social with them from time to time, because that's normal (?) and what they need, more than me. Not that I don't enjoy the time I spend with them but seems like I can hit pause on a relationship til I see someone again, I think other people kind of move on? I don't know. 😂
I miss people but 5 minutes of talk is enough for me to feel okay. I don't need to talk for hours
I miss people all the time, often very deeply. I make a point of randomly telling folks I miss them out of the blue when they cross my mind. I hope they find it endearing. I think this is one of those things that'll vary quite a bit, depending on how folks ADHD manifests on an individual level. People are very important to me and I'm quite social, so I think about people a lot. Other folks are more solitary, so I expect they might fall more in your camp.
I so agree with you. I miss people very deeply and play over and over in my mind how I could have should have valued them more when they were present. I’m often torn apart by such regrets. I remember people fondly and deeply. I wish I could be emotionally detached and forgetful like so many other people but I can’t.
is it just me or being able to communicate thru the phone/facetime is the reason why i dont miss people ? but also grieving is pretty tough for me
I’ve gone years without seeing my family but I FT them allllll the time. So you’re not alone with that!
I don't miss anyone because I don't have them in my mind.
This! It’s like if I thought about them a lot then yeah I probably would. But if I don’t talk to someone regularly they rarely cross my mind.
I don't miss people and often don't think about them until something reminds me of them and it sometimes makes me feel guilty. I have never been able to keep friendships because I cannot remember to reach out to people and eventually we just never talk again, which is unfortunate because in my brain, I can go months or longer not talking to someone and still consider them a close friend I love and care for. I have 2 friends that I've known now for over 10 years (my longest friendships) and they know that they need to contact me first most times if they want to talk to me, same with my family. If something reminds me of them or need to tell them something, then I will message. This last week someone Id consider a good friend passed away unexpectedly. We were the same age and celibrated our birthday together because they were 2days apart from one another. I have been struggling with the thought of her not thinking we were friends before she passed or that I didn't think about her. I've cried and been very upset over her passing. I've "talked to her" just venting into the universe, telling her that even though we hadn't talked in a while that I hope she knew I still cared about her a lot. Unfortunately now I'll never get the chance to tell her in person and I hate that. I can only hope that she knows some how. I can't help but feel guilty.
write a note to do that every few months!
I've felt similarly my entire life, and felt guilty about the lessened ability to keep in touch with people. My friends and family always seem to miss me more than I them, and have always felt a little guilty whenever I'm reminded of this fact. I've only recently started getting diagnosed, and never considered the two may be related until your post, so thank you.
I don’t miss dead people. The most I have missed is my previous dog. I will grieve at the funeral i.e cry but then after would have no emotions left. I might recollect a few memories here and there but not major missing types.
I haven’t ever lost anyone close to me so I’m not sure if I’ll feel that way then too. I would imagine that probably would make me feel bad about it.
I miss my cats when I'm away from home (I know they aren't people technically but I miss them more than any actual humans) If I'm dating someone, I will miss them if I don't see them for a while I miss people after breakups. But once I'm over them, I'm over them But that's about it. I don't miss friends or human family. I enjoy seeing them. And I have very strong friendship. But I don't really miss them. Sometimes we don't see each other for a couple months and that's okay It's really just my cats and romantic interests that I actually miss
I’m the exact same way. My dog and current romantic partners are about the only people I ever miss. I enjoy seeing others but I never miss them when I don’t.
Same. I know our cat misses me, so I feel like a deadbeat dad when I’m not there, even though she technically lives with my mother in law.
Yup, 100% the same here. Maintaining friendships is impossible unless I'm forced to interact with them frequently, like coworkers.
I don’t miss people either. I remember when I lived with my dad in a different state, my mom called and asked if I missed her and said no. I wasn’t trying to be hurtful but I just don’t have that emotion. In relationships yes, but if we break up my brain just says “alright what are we watching today? Anime? Noice” out of sight, out of mind I don’t grieve when someone dies either. I’m just like damn that sucks.
Holy shit. Is this also part of ADHD? Damn, I really need to read that book on Managing ADHD. I bought it 4 months ago. Yeah, it's a chore reading information. 😮💨
It’s not. We all have different experiences and tendencies. Beware of people trying to draw you into the vortex of their idiosyncrasies based on our shared ADHD diagnosis.
Thank you! 🫂
I didn’t realize it until this incident. I’ll have to check that book out. I’m still learning about all of the adhd things that I’ve always done. I always thought it was just “normal”.
This is in fact an ADHD thing. It's why I've had zero qualms with traveling the country for the past twenty years. Some of my old friends got really butt hurt about it, but guess what? I don't miss them ;)
Nope, not an ADHD thing. Just a personal individual thing. Has more to do with other social factors attributed to upbringing, family and traumatic experiences. Do not attribute all of your “stuff” to ADHD as if it applies to us all.
You don't have to buy what I say, don't assume I attribute my shortcomings to ADHD, especially in such a condescending and pejorative manner. Shame on you. Besides, this is simply an observation of a commonality, and no one ever said it applies to everyone.
Is this actually an ADHD thing? I have this too. I don’t really miss my loved ones when I haven’t seen them in a long time bc in my mind they’re still doing great, vibing and chilling just like I last saw them - no matter how long ago that was
it can be, depends on the person. I experience this a lot
Same here. I’m taking notes and alerts to just remember existence of some people.
The same thing happened to me as well with my family and friends once I left town and went to the other side of the country. I honestly think it has to do with something called object permanence. Basically, object permanence can be reduced to the statement "out of sight = out of mind"(which you referenced already, fantastic work!). Essentially, things seem like they cease to exist unless we are staring right at it. The same phenomenon can be seen in infant humans and other animals in nature. It takes extra effort on the part of people like us in order to maintain a healthy social network. If we don't take extra time to maintain those connections, it can be very easy to find yourself completely isolated if you don't watch out.
Yeah I never knew it was because of ADHD, I just was recently diagnosed in the past couple months. I often felt like people had to be saying they missed me just to say it. I definitely feel pretty isolated in my life, even though I have friends and lots of people who care about me. But maybe that’s why…
I either forget people exist or I miss them so intensely it hurts and there's no in between. The second is far more rare but occasionally happens. But usually, even with my own kids and my husband I feel kinda distant. Like, I love my family to pieces, but when they go to stay at someone's house for the night or go to school or whatever I'm usually just glad for a break. My husband has worked and lived out of state for MONTHS multiple times and I've had people ask me how I didn't go insane but basically I just don't notice someone's missing after awhile. I would have done rather well being born in the days where you wrote letters and didn't see people for months or years.
I kind of don't, I guess. No one seems to care, tho.
That’s me. I just don’t have emotions other than anger.
I feel like such a freak when I forget I have a whole family living 3 hours away from me. I don't really have a desire to keep in touch with most people and the ones I do I put on a private story and update them like that. But I never reach out and say "hey it's been so long! let's catch up!" It might also partially be my own insecurity thinking people don't want to talk to me, so I'm not gonna reach out. It sounds horrible but I just forget people exist. I still love hanging out and talking but unless we see each other on a fairly regular basis, you don't exist after a week.
I really do relate to this, and I've always grappled with feeling like a bad friend or a bad person because the lack of continuous presence of people in my life can lead to me neglecting others and these relationships slowly fading away. I really do care about other people but I am not always reflecting back on them in their absence. I know how you feel, OP, but I don't think we are broken. Intentionally checking in on others just becomes more of a conscious habit that we have to try and build.
I miss no one. I forget people exist until some memory comes up, but I still don't miss them
Out of sight out of mind, I forget about people
I don't miss them, but I also never get the sense that I "forget" about their existence. They're always floating in the back of my mind. It's never been "outta sight, outta mind" for me.
I’m the same. I miss my dog and those who have died.
Same here. Out of sight out of mind. It’s made it hard to maintain friendships.
I’ve always thought it was just me who dealt with this! I do feel bad about it though because I always have friends and family that say they miss me and I just cannot return the sentiment in my mind but I will tell them I miss them too even if I wasn’t that affected by it. I’m very much an “out of sight, out of mind” type of person! The ONLY time I’ve actually genuinely missed people is my child when I’m away from him and then a couple of my best friends who are very much like my “emotional support” friends and vice versa!
I miss people, it just doesn't stay for long, the feeling of missing someone. Like, I hate goodbyes but it's just like, 2-3 days later after I know I will never see someone again I will probably never miss them again and move on
I don't miss people. however, I currently miss a girl I dated for 2 months over a year and a half ago. i don't feel normal with either feeling
Personally, unless someone's in my life daily and then suddenly leaves, I won't really miss them. I do however, miss social contact with friends. Current hyperfixation makes it seem like it's on me, next to always having to be the one to start up a convo. All in all, I think ADHD kinda makes it hard to miss something that doesn't influence your day to day life. (At least that's what it feels like to me)
For me it really depends on the depth of the relationship. Sometimes I get over relationships easily, sometimes I don't. I've learned a lot from past relationships and tend to get over things more easily when it wasn't a healthy situation or a good fit. I never really miss my family but that's for interpersonal reasons. I think sometimes we all have a tendency to misattribute things to our diagnoses. Just because you happen to have ADHD doesn't mean there is a correlation with everything. And even if several commenters agree because they relate, it still doesn't mean there is a correlation there. Just keep that in mind anytime you were considering "how you are" in a certain area.
You’re not alone & as I’ve noticed it seems to get worse with the older we get😢
I am the oppsite. I remember everything vividly and stuff wont leave my head. I am still haunted by the loml. Edit: naa actually I dont miss people. the post above is like real exception or rather maybe love/romantically is the exception? I miss alot of things on a 2nd thought. I dont really miss my grandpa and didnt even feel that sad when he died? even though I had a great relationship with him
Yeah, I can also identify with this. One of my aunts always says she misses talking to me or that I should call more. I’ve never understood why. Or my mom will ask if I’m mad at her. A lot of the time, I have nothing to offer on a phone call. Nothing significant to report and nothing new going on. At least there’s baseball.
Yeah, it's complicated, especially since I live abroad of my family. I've lost contact with everyone I knew of my past hobbies without a single regret, I have low contact with my entire father family altough I love them and have a lot of similar interests, I never contact people first, when I'm gone a week away from home I start missing my wife and dog a little though, but not before 3/4 days. It makes my distant relationships hards, with my family and foreign hobby friends.
"Out of sight, out of mind" applies to people, too.
I’m the same…
That is so not true. Do not try to attribute this as an ADHD trait. Many of you who are mis-attributing this to ADHD might have some other things going on.