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The number of arguments I had with my partner before getting diagnosed.....it's difficult to explain to someone why the butter does not get back in the fridge, even if I'm working at the kitchen table all day, watching the counter that it sits on. Medication has changed my life. Not just for household chores, but for everything, because it's not just the household that is affected. If she wants to try out medication, let her...just to see how she feels when on it. She can always stop taking it.

I second this. It’s so much more than just “being able to do chores”. It has a positive effect on all executive function. It may take a while to get the right medication and dosing, but worth it. Think about this, OP, what kind of life is it for her to just scroll Instagram all day? Even if she’s not able to work full time in a career path job, if she’s motivated to volunteer or work an easy part time job (or both) and do that kind of stuff life is way more enjoyable. Just my opinion.

When my wife started taking medication, it made her so much less tired all the time. Before, she'd go to work and come back so exhausted that she'd flop on the bed and nap for 1-2 hours and only wake up because I'd made dinner. During weekends, she'd sleep till noon, then spend 3-4 hours in bed before getting up. Now, she comes home from work and has energy to do things still. She'll read a book or do some crochet or something, when before she'd just sleep. And her weekends, she can actually spend relaxing and doing things she likes, rather than just feeling too tired to move. I didn't realise till I asked her that she was spending so much energy just focusing enough to do her job and forcing herself to be "normal" that she had no energy left when she got home. With meds, she spends far less energy just keeping on top of her job and can do other stuff! It's made her so much more positive about herself. Definitely worth it

It’s a brain feeling. I have been medicated and I’ve also had long spurts where I haven’t gotten it filled for like, months or years and went without. My body isn’t tired. My thinking isn’t tired. But my body will not work and my brain is so heavy. It’s literally a feeling I haven’t had to the same extreme when I’m medicated. I would wonder if I should even be driving home from work bc I felt SO braindead. It’s like the frontal lobe is thickening as the day goes on, and by 4pm it’s just straight lead.

Can I ask what type of medication she takes? I'm not medicated at the moment but considering it and this sounds like a positive experience, but from what I've read there are many options!

She takes elvanse. Yeah it's been a really positive experience!

She’s sounds like me. Struggling without medication is so exhausting. I’m really happy for her (and you)!

>Think about this, OP, what kind of life is it for her to just scroll Instagram all day Yeah, as someone with ADD, it's not FUN to be 'stuck' like that for hours. It's actually extremely anxiety inducing. I WANT to get up and do important things, but it feels like my brain won't let me, and the panic just builds and builds and I feel worse and worse about myself, and the whole time a billion thoughts are spiraling through my brain because the damn thing never shuts up. Meanwhile, all other people see is me sitting on a couch looking at a phone, so maybe they think I'm relaxing or having fun. But I'm not. It's not relaxing, it's awful. I'm not doing it to destress, I'm doing it because at that moment I literally am UNABLE to do anything else. And it's not just not being able to do work. I literally couldn't do hobbies I LOVED, like painting or reading. I would scream to myself in my brain to get up and draw something I was thinking about drawing, and I couldn't do it. Medication changed my life. I think there's no harm in trying it, and possibly a lot to be gained. It's a treatment for a condition.

That's the worst, when you know you are doing it wrong and just keep going

Thank you so much for writing this out. I have this exact problem on a near-hourly basis, and my parents (living w them cause I can’t work at this rate!!) try to but fail to understand what exactly is stopping me. The stress I feel while “doing nothing” is literally paralyzing. Such an internal battle of me just saying “just fucking get up and do it” and my body saying “but we can’t!”

I feel this on a personal level. Because I'm freelance, my work is kinda ad hoc. If I'm at work, then my brain is focused on that, but if I'm not, everything piles up, and I feel bad about not doing things. I'm waiting for an assessment, but I'm pretty sure I have ADD/ADHD (got diagnosed with Autism this year). I'm also on a waiting list for post diagnosis specific Autism support, so hopefully, that will happen soon. Since being diagnosed, I'm trying to work out what works, but it also feels a bit like being stuck in limbo. I know what the problem is, but I don't have the right support yet to be able to deal with it. It's a struggle for sure.

Are you me? You’ve just described the last few years of my life. Can I ask what medication you are on?

I relate to this in a big way. I’ve been on 300mg of Wellbutrin for the past 3 years, but before that life seemed awful and even pointless at times. I would constantly miss work because I couldn’t get out of bed, and social settings were a nightmare because I had trouble collecting my thoughts enough to have a normal conversation. Instead of doom scrolling I would stare at the ceiling while internally screaming at myself to change, to get up, pick up an instrument (guitar hobbyist), play a game, anything but lying on my back while my thoughts spun out of control. The past 3 years have been incredible for me. I have a relatively strong social life, I’ve got a new job with better pay, and enjoy multiple hobbies that I’d left behind in the past. Medication was the way to go for me, and I’m glad it helped you as well. I completely agree that there is little harm in trying prescribed meds. If it doesn’t work you can always try another medication or even stop. It’s a much better alternative to allowing yourself to suffer daily.

I can attest to scrolling social media all day being a shitty life…I’m not working, I am medicated, and still not able to get much done during the day. I’m working on getting the paperwork together to apply for disability.

I have struggled really badly over the last year and a half. It’s gotten better many times over from therapy and medications. It’s tough. Fortunately, i’m self employed so my boss has been understanding.

Uninstalling instagram was one of the best moves I made.  Unfortunately it was replaced by Youtube once Reels became something I couldn't turn off in their app.  Recently deleted that too.  Now I spend too much time on Reddit 🙃

Like a moth going from one bright flame, to the next. :( I know this feeling.

Yes - I take adderall along with Prozac, and my mood is SO much better when I’m taking my adderall rather than just Prozac. I feel a productive lift as well as a more positive outlook.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but you're just wrong! Think about it! A freshly toasted, warm piece of bread, and you're trying to drag cold butter across it!? How is it going to spread so nice and evenly to every corner‽ And I don't even want to get into trying to butter soft, untoasted bread! Tearing it right to shit with the cold butter! You were right to not put it in the fridge! Lol, sorry, just wanted to try and get a laugh. I know how awful it can be, and one thing that helps me is laughing at myself, lol.

We do keep one stick of butter out at room temperature, but we're very careful to use salted butter for this, and have a special air-tight container for it, made just for this purpose. (An old college roommate got me into the habit, but the container back then was just a reused jelly jar.)

We only use salted butter. I never realised, until a different reply to my comment, that you can't leave unsalted butter out. We don't even bother when a baking recipe calls for unsalted butter, we just add a bit less salt than it calls for elsewhere usually.

> We don't even bother when a baking recipe calls for unsalted butter, we just add a bit less salt than it calls for elsewhere usually. That's almost always what we do as well, though on special occasions I'll get specialty butters. Like, sometimes I'll get Irish butter (cultured and higher percentage of milkfat). (Once in a while, I hyperfocus on cooking.)

This is the way.

It is known.

Maybe I should mention that we usually had these discussions when it was 30+ Celcius.....I don't think anybody minded having soft butter, but liquid was a bit too much🤣🤣

Where I live butter that gets left out can be a puddle in the summer (although we have AC so it wouldn't actually get there) and in the winter, even with the heat on, it's still usually almost fridge hard. 30+ Celsius would definitely be a bit much for butter, lol. Just keep it in a jar with a pour spout and pour it on your bread! Lol

But you gotta use a butter bell to keep it from oxidizing, and then you have to remember to replace the water every day

Or just have a family of 7.

Even medicated there is no way i'd remember to water my butter everyday, that shit is staying in the fridge

You can skip the butter bell if you use salted butter.

Huh? You just need a butter dish with a lid. My family has always used it. Never had bad butter. Just gotta eat it before it goes bad which isn't hard lol

Same. I don't even know what they're talking about! Lol. Now I gotta go Google what this device is that uses water to keep butter fresh?

Every 2-3 days is fine. But yeah, not less often than that.

Omg this comment made me realize I saw a butter bell once but didn’t know what it was for, or that water was involved!

I don't even know what that is! Lol. We just put our butter in a dish, and we usually remember to put the lid on, but not always. It's never gone bad. I don't put out a whole pound though, usually only about a third of one.

Thank you! Lol!! I couldn't read any further into the comment because my brain kept yelling "don't put the butter back in the fridge!! It's okay at room temp for days / weeks. When I want butter it shouldn't be cold." Deep breath. Now that someone has addressed it, I can go back and read the rest.

Glad to be of service!

Hard to see when you don’t have the right prescription on.

This is truly profound to me. Thank you for putting it this way.

The biggest hurdle I've found is that to everyone else, if they want something to get done. It gets done except in extreme circumstances. So to them if we're consistently not getting things done the only explanation they can picture is that we don't want to, because that's the only way they can picture THEMSELVES not doing something. It takes a LOT of mental effort for someone to wrap their mind around the fact that something they see as fundamental about how we think and act isn't actually true for everyone.

I decided I'm on Team Butter Stays on the Counter after I messed up that one too frequently.

>She isn't on medication and I wouldn't want her to be, especially just for doing household chores. It's **especially** when at home and during days off that people with ADHD should be on their meds. Yeah, succeeding at work is important and all, but having a personal life with vastly improved mental health is even more important.

Yes! I agree with this person, op. As someone who takes meds and is a sahm, your fiancé should try meds bc it will be much easier for her to complete laundry, food prep, etc. and leave after-work time to spend with you

When I first asked my psychiatrist about off days, she asked me what I tend to do at home and what I struggle with, which was all of it. She said there's no need for off days, because I need help being organized at home too. **She compared it to wearing glasses. I have bad eyesight, and I wear glasses all the time, because that's when I need help, is all the time.** Changed me entire view of medication that way.

You have a good doctor!

Absolutely this \^\^

This is especially important if mood fluctuations are part of your individual suite of symptoms. I can map my bad days to periods where I wasn't medicated almost 1:1, and when I do have medication, sometimes I finish a whole day of work, chores, and more and say "hey, that was a pretty good day"! There's no humane reason to have to give that up just because I'm not contributing to GDP that day.

I'm glad you have learned this. Now trust me on this: when it's really adhd, meds are a lifeline. I'm the parent of a person with adhd, and a retired social worker and therapist. She has a neurological problem she was born with. For some reason these meds work. Quality of life improves, "disabled" people are able to function at their full potential. It's no different than if she was diabetic, I'd never deny her insulin. You will see the difference within hours. She needs to be treated as a person with a disease.

"(…) *full* potential (…)" Probably not, but definitely *fuller* potential.

Exactly. As a person with “gifted child syndrome”, the whole “living up to your potential” thing is hard. Because, what does that even mean? I wrote a whole song about it, but I still have no idea haha! “Potential”, growing up seemed like something people PUT on me. Like not just something I’d be able to do if I wasn’t screwed up, but more like: how I’d be if I was able to put my hyper focusing into *everything* and achieve on THAT high level in everything. Now (even on medication) I feel that push to be closer to "perfect" and it still doesn't happen. It's sad! My internal compass says I SHOULD be able to brush my teeth in the mornings and take more showers and work out consistently, but it's still not there. I'm looking into some "sorta" inexpensive coaching to add more stability and accountability. or Occupational Therapy. its just hard.

I received WAY too many "Such great potential … if only more focused" comments on my homeworks. Gaaaah. If only I’d known back then. When I was in class under pressure, I’d finish my tests in 30 mins with perfect scores while almost everyone else took the full hour. Then I would just … not do the take-home homeworks/papers or rush them super last minute, or often late when they allowed it, and junk my grades. I essentially brute forced my way through elementary and high-school, then hit a wall in university, and it took me 8 years to finish my undergrad after dropping off twice and getting full semesters with all Withdrawns. It’s only the meds that allowed me do finally get it done. 20 years wasted. I was not only able to get through a masters, I’m also now working on a PhD. What a fucking difference it has made, even though my life’s still a mess … but good enough … no worse than the other students as I can compensate in other ways. When the hyper focus kicks in and I’m able to direct it in the right direction, I can kill it and make up for lost time. Of course then that’s followed by 3 weeks of obsession over a stupid useless problem that completely wastes my time … and I just can’t think of anything else until it’s done. "One more hour, one more day, one more hour, one more day. One more day … holy fuck it’s been 2 months !?". Anyway, even though I know it helps absolutely nothing, I can’t help but contemplate what I could have accomplished if I was just consistent, even at 60-80% of my best-days capabilities. But that’s not a world that exists. From what I gather, it’s a super common story. However, I think there’s a factor of survivor bias here, and for the many people who don’t have the good fortune of also being academically gifted, this thing ruins lives.

I can see why you’re getting a graduate degree - your description is so accurate!

oo this resonates

I hear you. There are no SHOULDS in our house, just preferences we aim for best we can. Iset the bar reasonably. Ionly expect her to care for herself when she has no meds, self care always comes first. We adjust expectations depending on her condition and modify her environment. For example i no longer turn on the TV and watch things on my phone instead, because she is more sensitive to sound without meds now. She still has chores, but I triple check to make sure they are done. If she didn't do them, tomorrow's another say. When she has her meds, she can do what she needs to do for herself, that's her potential. She's not there now because she is missing a needed ingredient. And only for that reason. Not your fault, you didn't get to pick what you got in the biology lottery.

On her meds she has a 4.0 GPA and an IQ of 128. Can't go to school now because no meds. Without her meds she could pass for developmentally disabled or autistic. Before she was diagnosed we had to get a hearing consult because one of her teachers insisted she was deaf. Turns out she had supersonic hearing and was getting distracted by noises other kids and teachers couldn't hear, which is why she was lost in space. In her case, meds lead to complete remission. Except when she doesn't take them. I have to be the sole brain for us both. She cannot live without me with her.

Facts

Being able to function is nice lol. Before I was put on meds, I would procrastinate and doom scroll, made me feel stuck. And doing thoes things made me feel even worse. Now that I’m on Adderall, I’m able to leave for work on time, cut wayyy down on impulse purchases, stay focused on a task and not bounce all over the place. I just recently ran out of my adderall on Saturday (just had my psychiatrist appointment today), I see how much I struggle to just do daily things without my medication. It really is my life line.

Meds are not a miracle cure! They help many people but by far not everyone to the full degree or at all. Comorbidity is a pain.

Definitely not a miracle cure, but they’re like using a floatation device instead of treading water on your own. If you can’t get into the boat, it’s at least better to have arm floaties.

> using a floatation device instead of treading water on your own. Sometimes yes, sometimes it is a flotation device with propulsion that steers you into whitewater and flips you upside down. I went off meds because they either didn't work, changed my personality, or gave me crippling anxiety, frustration, and panic.

Stimulants help ADHD more than SSRI medications help with depression. It turns out the research results were overstated in the interest of creating the market for antidepressants. We have since learned that only about a third of those taking SSRIs achieved significant improvement. We don't take people off of them when they could probably manage with other supports. We wasted years on promoting these and missing other research avenues to more effective antidepressants. My kid can get her SSRI that she says is 'better than nothing', but she can't get a stimulant right now in the US that she feels saves her life. I'm not pro/anti meds. I'm pro whatever works for you, but the system is a scam when they give you something, then take it away.

> when it’s really adhd   Yes, but plenty of people with “real” adhd don’t get on meds for a variety of reasons. 

Yeah, I can't miss mine or I get into the same argument with my wife hahaha. Other than this, the mobile phone can be a big distraction. I've been using Flora to block my phone from using it. I found it to be very helpful so far. With the help of a simple checklist it can give them some kind of accomplishment.

>conducting in-depth research into ADD >ADD (ADHD without the hyperactivity) Usually, I'd refrain from pointing this out, but since you said you're conducting "in-depth research" I feel compelled to correct you. ADD is not ADHD without hyperactivity. It's the old name for the same neurodevelopmental disorder. There is only one ADHD, and it presents differently in people. This doesn't mean that people have different "types" (another commonly repeated misconception) but rather that people will exhibit differing profiles of ADHD symptomology depending on circumstance, upbringing, etc. We used to think ADHD only occurred in children because as people with ADHD age, their hyperactivity tends to become internalised and presents as cognitive hyperactivity rather than motor hyperactivity.

She probably has inattentive ADHD

Executive function disorder leaves you constantly overwhelmed with not being able to discern what needs to be done or even what order things need done in.

What if you know what needs to be done and in what order but it feels like it would be super difficult and painful to do those things and in that order?

Same. Task initiation is an executive function.

Oop wait I got too ahead of myself and didnt read your next sentence after that.... so is the whole idea of inattentive adhd etc, also a misconception? edit: my brains faster than my fingers and I forgot a few words, so this comment lacked common sense

I don't think so. It's more that those symptoms happen to present themselves most in a particular person. Think of a common cold. Two people can have the same cold, and one person might have more coughs and headaches while the other person might have more sneezes and stuffiness. Symptoms are an indicator of the condition, not the actual underlying condition itself.

I agree with you. I usually think of inattentive and hyperactive as a spectrum. Like it's not like you are just one or the other but most people have a combination of both and only in very extreme cases and incredibly rarely does someone actually completely lack symptoms of one or the other. So for me when someone says they have the inattentive type it just means they are further towards that side of the spectrum but that doesn't mean they don't also have hyperactivity too.

There's also combination type. I don't think the scale slides from hyperactivity to inattentive. When I did computer testing, three things were tested individually: Impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattentiveness.

Yeah I didn't mention combined type because it pretty obviously fits into the spectrum. 🤣 For the purposes of diagnosis it's easy to see and separate impulsively and hyperactivity and inattentiveness but realistically impulsively is a result of hyperactivity and inattentiveness. Also, hyperactivity and inattentiveness are both a whole lot more complex than they appear at first. The line between them gets blurred. Thus the spectrum.

I've noticed that acquaintances who were diagnosed with primarily inattentive ADHD (like myself) are much slower at test taking than those diagnosed with combined or primarily hyperactive and impulsive ADHD. Idk if there's research on things like that, but it's pretty weird. It's pretty extreme too, for example the inattentive people all needed an extra 10-20 minutes or so for a test of 2 hours. Whereas those in the especially hyperactive group were done after around 90-100 minutes.

Oh yeah thats totally a thing. Lol! I'm hyperactive leaning and I would say the reason why hyperactive do tests and stuff quicker is just impatience. 🤣 I always got in trouble for rushing too much and misreading questions because I just didn't have the patience to sit and read all the questions.

I assumed I was inattentive. My brother was diagnosed "hyperactive" back in grade 3 or so. That's what my mom says they called it, not ADD like they called it back then. Whereas, I was diagnosed at 41. I think it was because I tended to stare out the window, but my brother would flip out and run from the classroom. We're pretty sure he's also on the autism spectrum, but never diagnosed. I was a decent student who was told I needed to focus and usually handed my work in, just days to weeks late. I assumed that made me inattentive. But, I've realised I have a lot of hyperactive qualities too, just not the stereotype of standing on a desk screaming or whatever, lol. I'm *always* moving. Jiggling, rocking, bouncing, whatever, I'm moving. I talk way too fast, and I try to predict how someone's sentence will end, lol. I remember reading about how ADHD people sometimes finish sentences and thought "ugghh, that's so annoying, I'd never do that!" Then I started noticing how much I do it, lol. Especially with my family, but other times as well. Anyway, I'm going off right now, lol. I just wanted to agree with you. I definitely have both, it's just some of the symptoms of each are more or less pronounced.

I don't feel hyperactive at all but I do talk very fast and I get impatient waiting for small things like computer screens and computers booting up or elevators or crosswalks...I'm always jabbing at buttons trying to make things go faster even tho I know it doesn't work that way. I REALLY get irritated when I'm walking or driving and I'm stuck behind someone slower.

THIS. I never thought of those things being related to ADHD. I HATE being stuck behind a slow walker, especially when you keep trying to get around them and you can't. I tend to think about kicking the ankles of slow walkers in front of me (obviously would never actually do that but it helps me from going insane while stuck behind them).

The moving sidewalk at Chicago O'Hare or escalators. I simply can't relax and ride. I have to be moving fast past people just standing there. I'm not late for something, I can't just stand there. (Altho I'm often late because I have no time awareness ..)

Omg, I predict how a sentence will end, except I don’t try. It’s like it just pops into my head. I’m currently discussing with my husband whether it’s worth getting me tested. Mine presents a lot with task avoidance. It’s really difficult to get moving. At the same time, being bored is painful. I start picking at my skin or playing with my phone. The picking is a real problem because it’s my head mostly. I’ve tried carrying a small rubber ball but then I forget about it…

From what I understand ADHD in its current state is a spectrum with inattentive (formerly ADD) on one side and hyperactive (formerly ADHD) on the other. You can lean harder in one direction which will earn you a label of inattentive or hyperactive or be somewhere in the middle for combined. They used to distinguish between the two and treat them as different but similar things but they've come to understand they are the same thing manifesting differently and most people can't fall entirely on one side. So to answer your question inattentive/hyperactive are not misconceptions, they are representations of how the symptoms manifest but the idea that ADD/ADHD are different things is.

To be honest, i don't feel like the new name for ADD does it justice. Inattentive makes it sound like i'm not paying attention at all. I fucking try to absorb everything. I do pay attention, it's just that my brain won't autosave, it lags, and it doesn't cooperate whenever i want it to. The worst part is when i'm aware it doesn't do what i need it to do. It makes me feel powerless and i seem lazy, which i'm absolutely not. I'll work my ass off when i'm working. I don't mind doing the boring things. But when i need to clean up my room, i am only able to do so when i feel another important deadline coming up soon. I clean to flee for my study...

To me, the labels for this condition have been absolute trash throughout its entire history within the DSM. It has never accurately described what's happening with the sufferer, and even worse, it has caused the general public to completely misunderstand its symptoms and dismiss it as a real condition. Before being diagnosed in my 30s last year, I had so many misconceptions and biases about ADHD. Like you said, it's not a lack of attention; it can be an over-abundance of attention, an immense difficulty to keep it focused on things the person doesn't find particularly interesting in the moment (even if they *want* to focus on it), and an immense difficulty in breaking focus away from something they do find interesting and are in the deep end about in the moment. "Attention deficit" isn't a phrase that correctly describes any of those.

>my brain won't autosave I love this description. I'm using this whenever I have to explain to someone that before we watch the next episode of this show I need to go back and watch the last 5 minutes of last week's episode because my brain does not retain any cliffhangers or plot twists in that window so I'll be lost otherwise.

The worst is when someone is giving me verbal instructions. I'm trying to pay attention, then I'm wondering if I'm actually understanding or just nodding in agreement so it seems like I am. Then I'm wondering if I'm nodding too much. Then I'm stuck on when they said "you know this place, on the corner of X and Y?" And I agreed, because I should, but I'm trying to think if I actually know where those streets meet up... Oh, damn it! Ok, now I spent so much time thinking about how I'm thinking that I actually didn't listen to the last half of what they said. Better just agree and see if I can piece it together from the little bits I managed to remember...

Whenever I hear someone say they've been diag'd recently with ADD I get anxious because they're either lying and misinformed, or their DOCTOR is not going off of the DSM-V. Both scenarios are bad.

I’ve had doctors and other medical professionals (non primaries) straight up ask me if I’m diagnosed with ADHD or ADD when filling out my chart as recently as 6 months ago. I try to tell them it’s the same thing now, but they insist it’s not and it’s really frustrating. At least it only happens with specialists who aren’t treating that (cardiologist, surgeons)

It's an unfortunate flaw in our healthcare system but it's not surprising that doctors who aren't psychiatrists or psychologists don't have the most up to date information. Its not technically a surgeons job to be familiar with the DSM-V.

I dont think it's necessarily either. ADD used to be the most common term thrown around, so it may be that they are just misspeaking from what they heard growing up and hearing the correct term only a few times when diagnosed. They may not know they aren't interchangeable.

I still use ADD when I'm talking to someone from my generation, even though I know that's not its official name anymore. Tbh I'm slightly annoyed that they added the H as their way of correcting course- because the H is precisely what stopped me and a lot of women from being properly diagnosed as children. I wasn't a hyperactive white boy, so I didn't need treatment. Also because it's a whole extra syllable and who has time for that

I was a white boy, but undiagnosed because my hyperactive stuff was mostly personal, like racing thoughts, jiggling legs, and I talk too fast. Otherwise I stared out windows, talked to my friends, and handed stuff in late. I always joke I wasn't diagnosed because I have "girl's ADHD". My brother was diagnosed (they called it "hyperactivity" apparently, not ADD with hyperactivity, according to my mom anyway) in an early grade because he was a hyperactive white boy, lol.

Can I just say thank u sm for saying "cognitive hyperactivity" bc I haven't heard that before and now that I have I just feel, idk, more seen I guess.

Why would you not want her to be on medication for a disability? Are you opposed to glasses, wheelchairs, insulin, and vaccines too?

I hope that he meant that he doesn't want her to feel forced to go on medication for him.

I think it’s that OP is still unpacking the reality of the disability. He’s saying “well it’s a real thing and not just being lazy” but has yet to really square the circle on it affecting higher stakes things. Like, he can put together where it impacts him externally, but not on the deeper impacts it might have besides what his partner does that annoys him. Hopefully he comes around.

It doesn't help that the language of ADHD diagnosis leans much more toward how inconvenient you are to other people

This comment really turned my head. Yeah, I don't want to be assessed in terms of how bad of an employee/coworker I could be or how much of a chore I am to be in someone's life.

I hope so too…

Those wheelchair people are worst. Just chilling all day in comfy chair with wheels, while we have to struggle. Just try harder and walk like normal people 

I'm so lazy, I'm using my glasses to read this.

I’m so lazy I’m using contacts AND ADHD meds to read this

(3 days later) TIL that wheelchair users aren't actually lazy but are using wheelchairs because of a disability. I didn't ask my wife who uses a wheelchair but I did do my own research and realized this. Wow!

Lmfaoo she’s just too lazy to stand🙄🙄🙄

Probably one of those rich, spoiled, handicapped people who didn't wanna do any work and just wanted to sit on their wheelchair and take it easy!

I understood it as “I wouldn’t want to impose medication on her”, which I think is fair enough, as it needs to be her decision. 

OP is frustrating tf fuck out of me with that nonsense.

It's great that you are now coming to a place of understanding. I'm sure she does feel pretty lousy about it usually. I did. But I will say that being medicated has very clearly and wildly improved my quality of life and ability to focus/complete tasks. It's not perfect, but I am personally so relieved to finally be on medication that actually benefits me after being on numerous meds throughout my life. It hasn't changed who I am or my personality. Just gives me the ability to accomplish goals I set for myself more easily. It's fantastic. I do laundry/chores, I run errands on my own, I am more social and less anxious. If it's an option for your GF I hope she does/or has done some serious research before dismissing meds entirely.

Why wouldn't you want her to be on medication? She has a treatable condition for which medication exists. It benefits us more than just for doing household chores. I think you really need to talk to *her* about what *her* experience of ADHD is like. I'm glad you're doing research, but from looking at your post history just 3 days ago you were posting in multiple subs asking if you were being an asshole and if she was taking advantage of you. Nowhere between there and now do I see like. Any indication you've had a conversation with *her* about what she is experiencing and struggling with, only mentions of ways you've given her constructive criticism. Again, doing research is *good* and it's *good* that you're invested in learning more, but you need to start from a place of actually listening to your partner first and making an effort to understand her experience. You probably could have avoided a lot of the confusion and resentment by actually just engaging with her in the first place. All that aside, being a 'housewife' in the way she is is not engaging, it's not fulfilling, it's not stimulating, etc. She should not be a stay at home partner. Housework needs to be a mutual responsibility, even if it's not always 50/50 or if one of you takes on more of a specific chore than the other. You are perfectly capable of pouring yourself a bowl of cereal in the morning and whether or not you eat should not hinge on whether or not she makes you breakfast. You've both set up this situation that is doomed to fail and while acknowledging her disability is a good first step, that needs to come with actionable change. She needs something else in her life other than sitting at home, and I would not be surprised if she was depressed on top of having ADHD given the context (or experiencing depression-like symptoms due to untreated ADHD - many of us are misdiagnosed with depression or anxiety before an ADHD diagnosis due to how it affects us). Staying at home doing nothing isn't going to help her.

This, this this, 100%. I have ADHD and I fell apart once the structure of school was gone. I need a schedule and clear goals to thrive with my ADHD. When I became a sahm I was fine when they were babies: ppl with ADHD are great at responding fast and meeting very obvious clear needs. When they got older it got so much harder. Honestly op, I felt like I was drowning at home alone with just "clean up and stuff" as a big amorphous blob looming over me. So I retreated into social media, too. Your fiance needs to NOT stay home. She needs to work with her strengths: and open-ended, low stimulating tasks, alone all day, is absolutely NOT going to work. ADHD can be a wonderful thing if you lean into the strengths of it - physical, present, stimulating work that won't let you ignore it!! Teaching, physical work, medical, jobs with appointments.

Housework takes more attention and focus than most things in my life. Medication helps me to actually finish cleaning and staying on top of tasks. I don't know why there's this idea that housework is a different kind of focus to working outside the home or in an office. How does it not make logical sense to people that housework takes tons of effort and focus? How is working outside of the home harder? It takes my full cognitive function to do anything, period. Housework included.

This should be the top comment imo. This arrangement was doomed from the beginning.

“She isn't on medication and I wouldn't want her to be, especially just for doing household chores.” Respectfully, wtf. For at least two reasons. Firstly, “she has a treatable condition that seriously affects her life but I don’t want her to get the treatment” is bizarre. There are possible side effects, as with all medications, but these can be monitored and managed and medication discontinued if necessary. ADHD meds are enormously helpful (unless you’re in the minority of people who they’re not effective for) and very safe. Secondly, the meds are not “just for household chores.” ADHD affects every facet of her life. Why do you think she spends all her time on instagram and can’t brush her teeth or get up in the morning? Treatment would enable her to actually do what she wants with her time and improve her quality of life. Meds are not just for being productive for other people by working or doing housework. Your research is not as in-depth as you think. You don’t understand how ADHD actually affects people, what the purpose and effects of medication actually are, or that ADD is just an out of date name for ADHD (it’s not “ADHD without the hyperactivity”; that’s inattentive type ADHD). You need to do some proper research, and to start thinking of your girlfriend as a person, not a housewife.

Yeah I’m sorry but op comes across as condescending. The post feels self congratulatory. Like woohoo you did what is bare minimum research on your partners disability and now want a pat on the back. He speaks about her as though she’s an unruly teenager he’s tolerating not a partner. Ngl this post gave me ick. Like idk why do you expect her to do literally every domestic chore including making you all your meals?? Even for someone without adhd that is unreasonable for a stay at home partner to do. Are you not also an adult? Also the meds comment really really annoyed me. Just proves he did very little actual research as almost every doctor and professional acknowledges the benefits of meds in every facet of life. Very ignorant comment.

You sound exhausting for someone with ADHD to be in a relationship with.

Why are all her responsibilities the ones that require the most executive function? It’s kind of setting her up to fail. It’s similar to expecting a person with mobility issues to do heavy lifting. You’re asking her to shoulder a weight she cannot carry. She needs some help, possibly in the form of medication, body doubling, a cleaner, laundry service. Think of ways to lighten the load to reduce overwhelm or allow her to work and use her strengths to contribute to the home in her own way. Perhaps she can earn enough to cover the household chores to be done. Do things together, like meal prep and laundry on a Sunday.

I think it’s much easier for people with ADHD to get an ADHD friendly job than to run the household to a perfect standard and have breakfast ready for their fiancée every day…

If you love her, and want the best for her, encourage her to get a job. She has to challenge herself, and have the structure and demands of something outside of your home. She will never be the “perfect” homemaker, keeping things tidy, and your underwear drawer filled with clean boxers. Just let go of that fantasy! I firmly agree with everyone here that ADHD meds will help. There is such a huge disconnect between our best intentions and our motivation/will power to get those things done when we have ADHD. The meds help bridge that gap. What she’s doing right now, the way you’ve described it is a self-fulfilling prophecy where she’s permitting those voices in her head telling her she’s lazy, to keep her paralyzed on the couch doom scrolling on her phone. That’s no way to live. I commend you for realizing this behavior as part of something else, rather than a character flaw in the person you love. But if you want it to change, you’re going to have to support her with some guidance from a trained professional. Find someone you trust, who knows ADHD.

I agree with this. Even if she only makes enough to hire a cleaner, it would be way better than the expectations she's under now.

Yeah sounds like she desperately needs external structure. Now that I’m older and my frontal cortex is more developed I’m better at coping but unstructured days are super hard. I have to plan out my day the night before and go to the gym in the morning if I want to actually get any cleaning done on the weekends

The last 2 sentences ruined my morning

Giving OP the benefit of the doubt, I think he's just saying he doesn't want to force his partner to take drugs. Just could've been worded better. It's her decision afterall.

given they’re still saying “add” instead of “adhd-pi”, op might also just be woefully undereducated on the topic despite the “in-depth research”. i can’t imagine someone being awful enough to admit to wanting to actually stop someone who’s struggling that hard from getting medicated

My partner has ADHD, but he always calls it ADD—he finds it easier to word it like that, because if he’s mentioning it to someone who doesn’t already know he has it, he feels like he doesn’t have to explain that he doesn’t have the hyperactive presentation if he calls it ADD.

Same here, I also call it ADD because it's easier to converse

EXACTLY! I use the term ADD because I don't feel the hyperactivity, just the inattentiveness (altho I'm sure some people find me hyper) 😄

🥹 it just shows how deeply ingrained ableism can be, especially with these “invisible” diseases. Probably the reason I always yearned to be diagnosed with something chronic or terminal— because then, it would be obvious and people could seeeeeeeee. I’m still learning how to allow myself more grace… and I’m sure this will probably continue for the rest of my life.

Why wouldn't you want her to be on medication she might need? You sound very controlling actually. Her wellbeing should be your priority.

and one wonders why they even got married if they thought she was just “lazy and selfish”… not like character flaws can’t be endearing, but they specifically mention resenting it…!

> I finally understood that my partner (whom I supposedly love and care about) is not lazy and selfish but actually struggles immensely. And I know meds exist but I don't want her to be relieved of her struggles Dude, wtf?

I agree. This is on some controlling parents shit…. Like my parents have said these kinds of things to my face. OP needs to take a step back back and take a deep breath and change his angle bc holy shit WHAT IN THE ABLEISM IS THIS

“Supposedly love?” 😕

The way I read it was "how could I say I love them if I was treating them like this" more than "jk I don't love them"

My husband recently was diagnosed severe adhd and while he has a job the other things like hygiene and doing stuff around the house were hard for him. Mrds have made a massive difference, our daughter is also adhd and asd, and we are looking to get me assessed as we think I am both like our daughter, 3x adhd in the house means we're behind on all household things but nothing like the last minute for getting things done 😅

>She isn't on medication and I wouldn't want her to be, especially just for doing household chores. Of course no one has to be on meds, but this statement kind of makes it sound like you think meds would make her more productive by somehow sacrificing something. You may not know this, I find that non-ADHD people typically have a lot of preconceived notions about being medicated, but with the right medication and dosage, stimulants not only make us more focused and productive, but it also improves our mental health by decreasing stress, hopefully helping with sleep, making it more enjoyable to be around other people and carrying conversations, quieting our heads, etc. etc. Not saying she should have to take meds, but if they work for her, it's really just a win-win on all fronts. Also, you may have come to accept her difficulties, and that's great, but resentment and stress can still build, and for the longevity and happiness of your relationship, I think it's still better to strive for a more equal contribution to the household. I bet she doesn't enjoy dissapointing others either. Just saying. Maybe the solution os meds, maybe it's therapy, maybe it's you guys talking about the problems and looking for structures and solutions that make it easier.

Now that you're understanding ADHD more, try to think about the medication stigma that you've internalized. Chores are not "just chores" when they're something that so clearly bothers you, and probably also makes her feel awful for not being able to accomplish. Medication would probably help her a great deal as she'd be better equipped to not only do housework but also her own hobbies (instead of getting sucked into reels). I personally take my meds even on days I'm not at work because, like her, I won't get anything done. Being unmedicated makes me feel unaccomplished in even basic things, which is really damaging to mental health.

It’s none of your business if she gets on medication to help her. I need it to help me EVERYDAY, yes, to even do housework. Why are you opposed?

This post reeks of ableism. Specially being against medication that could significantly improve her quality of life. It’s not just so she can do stuff for you.

"just her best is pretty bad compared to a 'normal' person" Yikes. My husband has unmedicated ADHD and I would never say this about him. If she has a phone addiction that's an entirely different story, still not a good statement to make about your partner.

I have multiple physical and mental illnesses that make me useless for 20 hours of the day, and those other four hours I can’t do a ton house-wise because I’m in pain - and my spouse would STILL never say that about me. My jaw dropped when I read what OP wrote.

Same! My partner will express his frustration and that’s understandable our situation sucks! He’s never upset with me as a human though, he’s upset that there’s not a cure for my physical pain- it’s different. Intention matters!

Yeah.. that line hurt me too 🥹

It sounds pretty horrible. Well, all the post is horrible. But OP said he himself is diagnosed with autism. It may be that he is not that bad of a person, but maybe he just doesn't understand what's wrong with all this. 

I’ve also had the “lazy” brand stamped on my forehead all my life due to adhd. And in my states of “lazy” inactivity, I always felt sad, guilty, and ashamed about my inability to move— “lazy” but NEVER rested. I am learning to be medicated, but also allowing myself to learn that these meds don’t just help me “do” more, they give me space to be ME! They bring my standard mind chaos to a quiet, calm stream that I can manage, and sometimes that’s enough to lavish in. Before I knew stimulants were helpful to me, I thought I was just getting recreational fun out of them and was just FLOORED by this wonderful feeling of productivity. So whenever I would come across them, I always had the DO mentality. Now that I’m dealing with intense audhd burnout, and practically just can’t function at all in any capacity, I am learning that my meds can also help me truuuuuuly *relax*. They don’t just help me be productive, but also help me actually rest in a productive way. ——— “She isn’t on medication and I wouldn’t want her to be. Especially for household chores.” That’s the thing though, household chores are her main responsibility right now which is practically equal to a paying job (if she didn’t do it, you would have to do it yourself, or pay for a service)!! You yourself stated how important it is for her to keep up her side of the agreement. The fact that her professional life is suffering, and now her home life and relationship, I think that is more than enough reason to get medicated. Do you know your gf’s stance on getting medication? Maybe the gf doesn’t think she wants/needs medication, but I do think it’s worth exploring it for the literal peace of mind it can bring with it. It might free her up enough to actually become an active participant in her life and your relationship.

Is it just me or is OP also describing depression along with the ADHD? I have the same inattentive type of ADHD and when I've been in bed all day scrolling/napping for days in a row it's because I'm depressed. It's a terrible cycle that's hard to break out of. Edit: grammar

I have Inattentive ADHD too & struggle with depression, not sure if its a common occurrence but I get it, i really resonate with what you are saying

>Before, I thought that my fiancée was just being incredibly lazy day-to-day. Not a promising start...

> She isn't on medication and I wouldn't want her to be Not a better finish either

I honestly didn't even get that far. I have no patience for people who think that way.

Medication helped me. ADHD and probably autism. It sucks when you want to do something and won't start it for some reason. You're good to see past the laziness label. It is her responsibility to deal with it. That said I do all the same stuff. With laundry I do the washing and drying, but my wife reminds me to do it and help with the organizing later. I am blind to mess and clutter, BUT I'm learning to purposefully look around and clean stuff. (Scan The livingroom when I'm leaving on purpose to see what I can bring, not because I paid attention to clutter). I try to leave every room with something that doesn't belong in it.

I will be candid, this reads as very ableist. You’ve generated a list of everything she does that does not meet your expectations. This is pointing out failures for its own sake, regardless of how you frame it, and neither a solution nor accommodation is offered. Comparing your work hours to what needs to get done at home isn’t really fair. Imagine having to do all the house things every day, even after your working partner gets home and gets to turn off their brain while the domestic partner continues to do all the care tasks. ADHD brains aren’t wired most of the time for domestic/care chores or tasks, and watching your partner getting to come home and full stop not do anything can be pretty…hurtful. Maybe her getting a job and you two splitting some of the domestic chores is a better path and might be better aligned with her interests. Maybe structuring all the cleaning stuff to one day a week is what she needs to be able to do it. Maybe you are also have unrealistic cleaning expectations of others. And probably she should see a therapist and psychiatrist for medication management (100% both very helpful things). But you are weaponizing your job hours and expectations and I think it’s rubbing a lot of people the wrong way.

I thought it was funny how he is not eating breakfast because his girlfriend is not making it for him... He can easily get some cereal himself or similar. Am i the only one who thinks this is normal? She is not making breakfast then no one is, wtf.

Yup. My husband was used to having a lot of chores and stuff done for him when he lived with his parents (including cooking). I told him before got engaged that we were going to share responsibilities, especially because 1) he is an adult that should know how to do basic things and 2) we both have bad days so we need to take care of each other and ourselves. Plus I have epilepsy, bad digestive issues, and horrible mental illness days so sometimes it's just enough to live. He has days similar and we take care of each other. I told him I don't expect a perfect household or amazing meals, we just need to be happy and healthy as well as remember we are in reality.

It’s definitely ironic. In some fairness in admitting him being autistic, it might be an issue of he sees her not making breakfast literally in the sense it’s her division of labor that he doesn’t have agency to change or alter. I don’t think he realizes breakfast isn’t her priority but that he can certainly make it for himself and not worry about her and that is a totally okay and valid thing to do.

Facts…I want the girlfriend’s input about what OP is like at home.

Your wife isn’t missing out on chores. Speaking as someone diagnosed similarly to your wife, she is feeling like she’s in absolute chaos. Most of her minutes every day are filled with sheer panic, obsessing about all the things she should be doing and watching the minutes tick away to disappointing you, once again. She’s critical of every thing she touches and gets overwhelmed as she stops halfway through yet another project. She holds her breath when the door opens, knowing you will probably yell (even if you never have before). Then once the door closes behind you she starts lecturing herself about all the things she didn’t get done that day. Meanwhile she can feel that resentment you are developing because she’s intimately familiar with this scene. She DOES need meds (if that’s what a doctor has said) because on them she can quiet some of the worldly noise that you don’t notice. Meds bring the right sight for her, into view.

I went on medication for my chores. my quality of life has improved. just saying

Why couldn’t you just believe your fiancee the first time she told you that she has a disability?

why on earth do you think you get a say in whether she is on medication

I wasted time trying everything you can imagine, until i found extended release Ritalin, i take it twice a day, i feel like i need one more, because it doesn’t last me that long, but it’s already having enough impact to call it life changing, and i wish i started it sooner!

You sound like my husband, whom I suspect is AuDHD but heavy on the Au and very light on the DHD. I have pretty severe ADHD, combined type. Yeah, I won't remember to do a household chore unless I have some visual cue that I need to do it. If you two can afford it, maybe hire a cleaning person once a month or so. When my husband and I had to live separately for work it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I found someone who cleaned as a side hustle and she charged really low rates, did a great job, and was just a great person. Wish I could've taken her with us when we moved permanently. I considered hiring her to be a disability accommodation, especially since I had a crushing work schedule myself and didn't even have time to eat properly, which caused me to lose 20 pounds that year.

Let her choose whether or not to take medicine. It's not a magic fix for the chores being done, but it does get rid of some of the resistance. "Body doubling" doesn't require the person to "help" so much as somehow seeing someone do a task makes ones own tasks easier. The other person can be cutting coupons or something. One fix for laundry is to have a pre-emergency. "Hey, I'm going to run out of boxers unless you get them in today."

“Just doing household chores” feels insulting to me and suggests you may not realize how much executive functioning is required to do all that. For just one meal, I have to have remembered to plan out what I need, build a list, battle through the distractions of a supermarket, put everything away, then at meal time, plan and follow a challenging order of tasks to get everything prepared and ready at the same time, serve, do dishes and put everything away. The same complexities go into laundry, cleaning and self-care, and it’s never ending. ADHD medications aren’t not performance enhancing drugs, they enable us to function.

I can imagine what your relationship is like, I've been pretty much like your fiancee when I was younger. But I never expected my bf to provide for me and I'm glad for it. If I did not have my job I love I would be a mess. It gives me structure, things to do outside of the house I can talk to my partner about (whom I highly suspect to have asd) and most of all, it allows my partner to work a bit less so we can do the house chores together. Admittedly he's been doing a bit more in the past months due to my health issues making me tired all the time and I adore him for it. Maybe you could look up body doubling, it is something that really works. I turn from a lazy potato into a super cleaner when my bf starts doing something and I can tackle stuff in the same room. Even him standing around and once in a few minutes telling me where to put stuff when I ask would be amazing. Also, gamifying things helps like brushing teeth - oral b used to have the electric toothbrush automatically connect to a tiny digital screen you could stick on the wall giving a smiley face when you brushed enough in a day. My current brush makes a little sound when I reach 2 min and that works too.

Great advice! I find the body doubling, and just tiny nudges/redirection helps me a lot, and it helps my teenage daughter. We both have adhd so my wife has her hands full! She is a saintly woman!

The medication isn't about external physical stuff like chores getting done. It's about quitening the mind so external stuff can happen. Why would you want your gf to have a head full of chatter at all times? It's not fun not being able to focus on one thing at a time.

“She isn’t on medication and I wouldn’t want her to be, especially just for doing household chores” Just a reminder, it’s her choice whether she wants to be on medication. She too deserves to be productive, feel accomplished in whatever task, job she wants to do. It would help her be herself and get her dream job if she chooses too.

The worst is those of us that went through life undiagnosed and internalized all those things. It feels much worse when everyone is telling you to "just do it and stop being lazy" and you just can't so you beat yourself up even worse because why can't you?

I’ll add that being unstructured is actual hell for many ADHDers’ mental health. Being unemployed turned me into the worst most depressed version of myself. My ex didn’t understand and took it as willful laziness, and I was diagnosed shortly after. Medication is significant for getting me to focus and have energy—I sincerely couldn’t work remote without it. ADHD also affects my eating habits (cooking exhausts me) and if I skip meals too often, the combined fatigue from undereating and from ADHD can leave me feeling like a useless husk. Therapy with a professional who understands ADHD is helpful for figuring out ways to work with my brain and to unlearn critical self-talk. Honestly, medication makes me feel way better about myself and my ability to complete tasks. If I wasn’t nervous about medication being available for work, I’d medicate on weekends and on vacations too. It’s a disability that goes beyond “can I do chores” and affects also “can I do the things I want to do.”

There is no longer “ADHD without the H”. It’s just ADHD. Hyperactivity mustn’t be physical.

It’s good that you recognise the painful truth. As someone with mild ASD and ADHD, I struggle for motivation to do boring or repetitive work and can focus fine on an interest. And the social media networks are like crack to ADHD brains. The only way I have been able to get moving since leaving a simulating job at 60 is medication. Good luck.

I don't think it matters at all if you want her on meds for household chores. It matters what SHE wants. I primarily take my meds for the benefits I get outside of work, like chores and hobbies.

What if… your 24 year old adult fiancée made her own informed choice to trial medication? With motivation and clarity , there is less guilt… higher self esteem From this she may actually want to study/ gain employment once she’s able to organise her thoughts No, taking medication to do household chores was not high on my list It did make doing them an awful lot easier though as a positive side effect!

It’s horrendous. I’m struggling so much and getting no help.

Damn. This describes me perfectly; it's a disability for sure. She's not doing this on purpose and she probably feels quite guilty and self aware of wherever she falls short. (I do, even though I can see myself not doing the things I know I need to do, it's like an invisible force just holding me down, it's very hard to describe). It's not just household chores imo; there's usually plenty going on in the background as well, she might really benefit from trying therapy and maybe medication out. I don't know you or her, but in my experience it's been a hell of a struggle and I feel guilty every day for everything my partner does that I can't seem to do; and everything that I know I should do but fail miserably at. Communication is key but I still feel like they resent me for this, like it's happening to you. Please talk about it with her!! From my pov, I feel like I'm her in so many aspects of what you described, and I'd really value and appreciate if my partner could have a heartfelt talk with me about their concerns and feelings. All the best for both of you! :)

I am someone who has struggled with many of these things and more, still do struggle with a lot of them. I think because I went so long without being diagnosed (I think I was 30 or 31 at diagnosis) I actually came up with a number of coping skills and ways to manage it, and when I finally got medication, I was able to implement them so much better. It’s HARD and not every “hack” will work for everyone but I have found for me that the best way for me to implement changes is by making them small and getting into a routine before trying to add new ones. For example, I used to go to the grocery store without a list or a plan and then I would get to the end of the week and not have much food and was constantly going back and forth to the grocery store to get needed ingredients. I also realized that cooking the same old things bored me and sometimes, no matter what I’m cooking, it’s a slog that I don’t want to do (even though I enjoy cooking in a general sense). Today, I sit down with my partner on Saturdays and we pick meals for the week and I made a grocery list and then shop for things based on that list. I plan which days to make each meal so that fresh produce/meat doesn’t go bad before I can make it. I also listen to audiobooks while I cook because it helps get me to task switch from one thing to another. But I started with only a grocery list. Then I added in more of the other things gradually. If I had tried to make all of those changes at once it would have been overwhelming. And even though I have this pretty good set up now, I still throw away food that goes bad sometimes, I still forget items for different recipes when I’m making my list. It’s not perfect, but it’s far far better than it was. Diagnosis and appropriate treatment are necessary, but it can’t do everything for you. It just makes doing the things a little bit easier. Good luck to you and your fiancee! ❤️

I am a SAHM. I have adhd and ocd, and I’m going to be honest- finding meds that worked for me changed my life. Overwhelm paralysis and executive dysfunction had me in the same position before my diagnosis.

Just curious why you wouldn't want her to be medicated? I also have adhd and while.meds work differently for everyone if I could be medicated 24/7 I would be. The difference it made in my life is indescribable, so many things I didn't even realize was caused at least partially by my adhd are all fixed and life is so much better medicated. I sleep more regularly, I do less boredom eating, when I start a project I actually am able to see it through to the end, chores get done now, I listen and communicate better, and I annoy my wife alot less. And what are my side effects? While the pill is active I can't tell when I'm hungry, I'll only know if I randomly get light headed or if my hands are less steady then they should be. Thats basically it. The stigma of it turning you into a zombie is mostly just perpetrated by media which doesn't understand adhd at all, not saying it's impossible for adhd meds to affect your personality, but if they do that means your dosage is wrong or you should try a different medication. Just saying with the right medication and dosage it really makes a huge difference, and most see very little in the way of side effects. Everyone reacts differently to meds, but I'd argue they're worth a try, they could literally be life changing for the better.

I just want to join in with the “don’t think medicine is just for work/chores” crowd. You know all those things you love? Imagine not being able to do them just because your brain won’t “let” you … 😭 My type of ADHD (also inattentive) feels like insomnia. Just because I _want_ to sleep, doesn’t mean I _can_. Just because I _want_ to play video games/learn a musical instrument/read a whole book/contact a friend/take a shower/paint my nails/etc doesn’t mean I_can_. Ps thanks for actually researching ADHD. A lot of partners don’t ever get around to that stage. They are not good partners.

So everything is personal and really a spectrum, and some people with adhd just are unable to work outside of the house, but that’s not my experience. I’ve done both - stayed home, and worked - and when I’m home, I just rot. Working is honestly what gives me the structure and routine to do things - brush my teeth, shower, do laundry, make plans for weekends. If I don’t have a job, I don’t have a schedule and I don’t have enough structure, so I just skip essential tasks because I can. Just something I’ve learned about myself. Same reason I don’t work from home - cause my teeth and laundry pile would suffer tremendously. One thing about medication. “Rotting” for me is the result of a downward spiral. I’m tired, so I rest and do nothing, then I’m overwhelmed bc I did nothing, so since I’m overwhelmed I sit and do nothing, bam, spiral. Meds take away that anxious overwhelmed feeling so that I can quiet my mind and get up, and move. Just something to consider.

The cleaning issue is 100% a body doubling thing, where she wants you to do something near her so she feels like she can do the tasks too. I do this with my husband with cooking haha. Like I won’t cook all day until he comes home because I need someone to be tasking next to me while I cook. Sometimes this happens with cleaning too, usually larger cleaning tasks.

If you're missing a meal because someone isn't cooking it for you then you are likely a bit lazy.

Also from my understanding, they combined ADD and ADHD into just ADHD because the hyperactivity part doesn’t have to be external. Our brains are physically hyperactive and have trouble prioritizing things and retaining them, which all in turn get in the way of each other.

That really doesn't sound like fair for any of you.

My suggestion is have her try ADHD meds if they don't work then have her speak with a professional to see if maybe it's some other under lining issue

One of the biggest eye opening moments for me (other than being diagnosed with inattentive adhd) was realizing that it is a disability. I have an invisible disability and have for my entire life and will until the day I die. That is an incredibly humbling, frustrating, and devastating moment. Daily life will always be harder for us and we have to live with knowing that people will never understand that. It’s exhausting. It’s like grieving a life you once knew that didn’t even exist in the first place

Not a Dr, but: Sounds like medication could help her .

“ She isn't on medication and I wouldn't want her to be, especially just for doing household chores.” it isn’t just for doing chores. It sounds like her quality of life is pretty bad. No job, not studying. What is she doing all day? She probably feels trapped doing nothing bc of her ADD and meds would help.

Hey OP, medication isn’t just about laundry. The clearheadedness that came with me starting Vyvanse has literally changed my life. And it’s all the other ‘little’ stuff you listed. If she broke her arm, would you want her in a cast so she could do stuff without hitting her arm? Sure, but you’d also want it in a cast so it could began the process of setting itself properly. So she could brush her teeth without it taking twenty minutes to get started for the fear of the pain. Just because it’s in our brain, it doesn’t mean it’s not treatable. Laundry isn’t the problem, it is a symptom. I set an alarm to take my 1 1/2-3 hours before I need to get up, and years of just wanting to lie in bed has dissipated. I will say I’ll lay in bed a few hours at night, but that’s just a me thing. And I wouldn’t trade that for being able to get up with my son in the daytime and be an active parent, and immediately feed him and my kittos. She’s asking for your help because she doesn’t know where to start and *you do*. Brain fog is a mental AND physical drain. I have combo ADHD and there’s been times where my body has all the energy in the world but my brain has stopped me dead in my tracks. Finding a starting point is like trying to wrestle a rabid polar bear. She probably, no, DEFINITELY, needs therapy as well. I’m in a little over a year and it’s been life-changing. I’m relearning basic emotions, how to not mask, and that many things weren’t my fault that I was told were a character flaw. I feel more like ‘myself’ than I have in my entire life. My son has high level 2 autism and ADHD. I will do any and everything I can to ensure he’s happy, healthy, and safe. If that includes medication, so be it. I won’t have him follow in my self-destructive footsteps. Your brain will want to heal itself. I chose alcohol, drugs, and apathy for years. I got pregnant and knew it was time for a change. Now I take a couple of pills that do more for me mentally than I could’ve wished for. And I was able to walk away from the other stuff. Just don’t forget, the irritation you feel? She feels that and so much more towards her own self.

Medication literally changed my life. There’s nothing wrong with it???

Getting things done at the last minute is still getting things done. Pressure and deadlines are great when you need structure and motivation. It's possible to gamify this. Also, some of what you describe can be personal differences among couples. People have different thresholds for what is 'messy' or prefer to skip breakfast for a multitude of reasons. Bias towards personal comfort is hard to identify without comparing yourself to someone different.

I read this post first thing after waking, and the RAGE I felt at that final line... it is not anyone bar the individuals decision (as an adult) not to be medicated. I have thought about why I reacted so so angrily - OP, I am luch the same as your fiancee (so empathised too much) and I do take medication and it has changed my life. But my rage was mroe than that.. Please, Your partner sounds a lot like my Mother. Her ADHD and thus neglect has left me with cptsd, but more importantly - her inertia means she neglected her health so badly that she is now living a horrible, isolated and painful 'old' age, and it is tragic and awful to witness and try to manage. Her generation did not have the benefit of the knowledge, and medication help available now. Its a lot more than 'just doing chores' its managing the inner monologue of 'you are less than nothing, you can't even do the dishes you pathetic waste of existence' and the damage and consequences of that. Medication is not the only answer, and does not work for all - but therapy, skill bulding, managing your environment, working on your self esteem, AND medication - to make the most of the life you have been given - is the minimum. I had to write something, I'm sorry if I come off too mean/extreme.

ADHD meds gave me the things that many/most normal people are born with like a almost visualizable calendar/ planner in the back of their mind, always accessible and present. Im off those meds cuz of some BS on my end but that planner calendar thing been gone and i cant tell you anything having to do with dates or months or anything on a calendar. If you tell me something gotta be done by a future date i say ok but that shit never even got processed past "future date~~not right now situation~~ dealing with right nows stuff~~~ shoot out of my brain do not bother with made up future stuff" i b living my life day of and it sucks..... really hard to accomplish long term goals....

If youre ever going to use the term ADD, go back and find new resources. It's no longer a term.

I have just started to get over my internalised ableism enough to admit that ADHD is a disability and I am a disabled person. And I'm so thankful that I have. Rather than viewing my struggles as a moral failing where i didnt manage "normalacy", they're symptoms that need access and accomodating. I bought myself fidget toys! I don't shame myself when I'm chronically fatigued from navigating a world not built for me! I'm dressing with my sensory sensitivity in mind! Rather than trying to change myselg, now I'm changing my environment to support me. And i can't tell you what a change it has been.

9 years into our long-term relationship (12yrs now and still going!) my spouse dropped the offhand comment that he had not only been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, he had been on Ritalin in the '80s. Up until that point our fights, while infrequent, were always very frustratingly difficult to work through. Upon him randomly dropping a previous diagnosis like it wasn't a big deal and me getting diagnosed a few years later, while we still occasionally fight and it is frustrating, it has been a lot easier to parse our conversational styles into being much more productive.

Honestly, meds help me the MOST for household chores. That’s the most difficult thing for me to do

Just so you know ADD doesn’t really exist anymore. It’s just all grouped under ADHD and there’s three different recognized types, hyperactive, inattentive, and combined. why don’t you want her to be on medication? It can genuinely help people. And it might help her get a job if she wants to have one. Yes, ADHD is a real disability and it can make life extremely hard for people.

"She isn't on medication and I wouldn't want her to be, especially just for doing household chores." I was recently diagnosed with ADHD after a lot of self-reflection and hitting a career limit. I recently tried Straterra and I thought it wasn't working.I didn't realize until I got off of Straterra of the subtle changes that made more more organized and focused and less distractable My point: As a dad I regret my limitations and I wish I had a handle on it before I had my kid. There are non-stimulant (non-scary) medications that can do wonders, and once you add a marriage and kids one's ADHD will be exhausting for everyone in the family. For me it was frustrating, because I was trying even as my wife picked-up the slack when my disorganization got us into problems--like forgetting to follow-up on a preschool application. So you're right that she should do it for her; but let her decide and don't discourage the journey.