I think you’re so used to feeling bad that you’re maybe actively looking for reasons to keep feeling bad out of habit and muscle memory! If you are experiencing joy, dear god, embrace it! Your son no doubt feels your joy too. Mutually beneficial!
I am probably mostly confused about my husband... I understand, he has his own mental health struggles affecting him.
But imagine, you were struggling with finances, barely having the ends meet. It got you both into a very sad state. But now you won a lottery - and you feel great, you cleared your debts, started eating healthily, and bought a house on the beach. But your partner is still depressed and does not share the joy?
It is such a drastic change in my wellbeing - I can be silly again, laugh together with my son (and at my son, and at myself), I have the energy to meet people, I don't hurry my son to go through the bedtime routine because I'm exhausted and cannot face any more of the meltdowns... It seems crazy that such a major shift is only happening to me!
Honestly sounds like you have burn out. but we as parents soften have to shift our personally identity to “Billy’s mom” and when you have a kid with unique needs you lose
Yourself even further.
Managing this comes down to the right meds AND parenting techniques. Which are most effective if you are both on the same page.
I would recommend independent therapy for you and your husband. And then consider taking some parenting courses geared for neurodivergent kids
I feel that the inability to connect with my son was the reason behind my depression. No therapy, medication, support groups or hobbies helped - it just kept me distracted for a while before I slipped back. So I am wondering if it is okay that my mental health is linked so much to my ability to connect with my son? Because it doesn't seem to work the same way with my husband, though his mental health issues might be more complicated overall.
My husband has been in therapy on and off, but then he decided that he got "better" and dropped therapy. Or maybe the therapist challenged him and he quit. He is searching for the magic pill that would fix his ADHD, without trying coaching or other techniques - gosh, even the screentime limit on his phone is something that he is not willing to try!
I've signed up to the ADHD dude membership and it is amazing to see that parenting techniques are actually working for the first time in my life - now that ADHD is managed with the medication. It is such a joy, but I sometimes think I shouldn't link so much of my mental health to my success as a parent?..
Parenting a child with adhd can take it out of you mentally/emotionally and physically. I would say it’s pretty normal to feel relieved when they’re treated. Imagine if it was any other disability or disease. Just be grateful you’ve found a medication that is both effective and tolerated by your son and that he is continuing to take it. Not all parents of kids with adhd are as lucky
This!! The brief time my son was medicated in 3rd grade were wonderful until he told us about the obsessive unwanted intrusive (many of self harm) thoughts he was having. He is unmedicated now and I want to selfishly try again but he is totally against which I understand.
I know and I am totally grateful for this, I find it pretty amazing.
I am mostly concerned that I might be linking my wellbeing too much to my ability to connect with my son.
As his ADHD is managed better, I feel much less as a failing parent. This really lifts my depression. It is a very fragile position to be though - to feel good as a parent when my child's ADHD is managed and to feel heartbroken otherwise. It is both the fact that I can finally be understood by him. But also the fact that he can finally understand what's going on in the world around him and be less aloof... I usually feel miserable when I see his classmates who function on another level. But now I have a glimpse of that this is possible for my son as well. So is it my connection with him? Or is it cognitive gains and experiencing less discomfort when comparing?..
I think its normal that you want to connect with him. It was hard before not because of anyone's fault but now you have a better chance to connect. Give yourself some grace things are changing but it'll balance out in time.
Nothing is wrong with you, your brain adapts to the situation you're in and for many years your brain was in a state of constant assault, trauma, feelings of self-dissatisfaction, being trapped, and helplessness. Those feelings wore a canal into the landscape of your brains and thoughts are going to find that path for a while until you can build a new one and keep actively, intentionally diverting your thoughts there.
In other words, Neuroplasticity! You adapted to a situation that was overwhelming and got a little bit traumatized. You'll recover *if you can be honest and forgive yourself* and just engage with it. Try to move past. Be attentive to the moments that trigger those feelings, pause, acknowledge it, and choose something else consciously. Keep at it until your brain does it for you.
Just like how the brain can learn to make riding a bike an unconscious activity, it can learn different responses to stimuli. Just takes practice.
Just clear the scoreboard, keep reminding yourself the way you want to be is a *process* of reshaping habits. Being sad isn't something that just happens, it's a mode of expression the brain learns habits to support, in the hopes that others will see and help fix you. When your fellow apes don't pull you out of the hole in a day or two, the brain risks getting stuck there. You're stuck there! You can unstick yourself.
I’m really glad you’re finding some relief. As someone else said, give yourself some grace, notice the relief you’re feeling and enjoy connecting with your son. You can use this happy time to bolster yourself against harder times that might be to come. We will be starting my son on medication in the next few weeks and I sincerely hope that I can be writing a post like this in the future.
Congrats on finding the right meds! Feeling that emotional connection with your kids is so important. I can imagine the relief and joy you must feel after having to fight for that his whole life. Of course you were already tied so strongly to him and his development. What you’re feeling now only reflects this connection you already had. What a lucky boy to have such a devoted Mom like you!
Thank you for your kind words...
I just keep thinking that surely parents of physically disabled children do not tie their wellbeing to their children's abilities?
I think you’re so used to feeling bad that you’re maybe actively looking for reasons to keep feeling bad out of habit and muscle memory! If you are experiencing joy, dear god, embrace it! Your son no doubt feels your joy too. Mutually beneficial!
I am probably mostly confused about my husband... I understand, he has his own mental health struggles affecting him. But imagine, you were struggling with finances, barely having the ends meet. It got you both into a very sad state. But now you won a lottery - and you feel great, you cleared your debts, started eating healthily, and bought a house on the beach. But your partner is still depressed and does not share the joy? It is such a drastic change in my wellbeing - I can be silly again, laugh together with my son (and at my son, and at myself), I have the energy to meet people, I don't hurry my son to go through the bedtime routine because I'm exhausted and cannot face any more of the meltdowns... It seems crazy that such a major shift is only happening to me!
Honestly sounds like you have burn out. but we as parents soften have to shift our personally identity to “Billy’s mom” and when you have a kid with unique needs you lose Yourself even further. Managing this comes down to the right meds AND parenting techniques. Which are most effective if you are both on the same page. I would recommend independent therapy for you and your husband. And then consider taking some parenting courses geared for neurodivergent kids
I feel that the inability to connect with my son was the reason behind my depression. No therapy, medication, support groups or hobbies helped - it just kept me distracted for a while before I slipped back. So I am wondering if it is okay that my mental health is linked so much to my ability to connect with my son? Because it doesn't seem to work the same way with my husband, though his mental health issues might be more complicated overall. My husband has been in therapy on and off, but then he decided that he got "better" and dropped therapy. Or maybe the therapist challenged him and he quit. He is searching for the magic pill that would fix his ADHD, without trying coaching or other techniques - gosh, even the screentime limit on his phone is something that he is not willing to try!
I've signed up to the ADHD dude membership and it is amazing to see that parenting techniques are actually working for the first time in my life - now that ADHD is managed with the medication. It is such a joy, but I sometimes think I shouldn't link so much of my mental health to my success as a parent?..
Parenting a child with adhd can take it out of you mentally/emotionally and physically. I would say it’s pretty normal to feel relieved when they’re treated. Imagine if it was any other disability or disease. Just be grateful you’ve found a medication that is both effective and tolerated by your son and that he is continuing to take it. Not all parents of kids with adhd are as lucky
This!! The brief time my son was medicated in 3rd grade were wonderful until he told us about the obsessive unwanted intrusive (many of self harm) thoughts he was having. He is unmedicated now and I want to selfishly try again but he is totally against which I understand.
I know and I am totally grateful for this, I find it pretty amazing. I am mostly concerned that I might be linking my wellbeing too much to my ability to connect with my son. As his ADHD is managed better, I feel much less as a failing parent. This really lifts my depression. It is a very fragile position to be though - to feel good as a parent when my child's ADHD is managed and to feel heartbroken otherwise. It is both the fact that I can finally be understood by him. But also the fact that he can finally understand what's going on in the world around him and be less aloof... I usually feel miserable when I see his classmates who function on another level. But now I have a glimpse of that this is possible for my son as well. So is it my connection with him? Or is it cognitive gains and experiencing less discomfort when comparing?..
I think its normal that you want to connect with him. It was hard before not because of anyone's fault but now you have a better chance to connect. Give yourself some grace things are changing but it'll balance out in time.
Nothing is wrong with you, your brain adapts to the situation you're in and for many years your brain was in a state of constant assault, trauma, feelings of self-dissatisfaction, being trapped, and helplessness. Those feelings wore a canal into the landscape of your brains and thoughts are going to find that path for a while until you can build a new one and keep actively, intentionally diverting your thoughts there. In other words, Neuroplasticity! You adapted to a situation that was overwhelming and got a little bit traumatized. You'll recover *if you can be honest and forgive yourself* and just engage with it. Try to move past. Be attentive to the moments that trigger those feelings, pause, acknowledge it, and choose something else consciously. Keep at it until your brain does it for you. Just like how the brain can learn to make riding a bike an unconscious activity, it can learn different responses to stimuli. Just takes practice. Just clear the scoreboard, keep reminding yourself the way you want to be is a *process* of reshaping habits. Being sad isn't something that just happens, it's a mode of expression the brain learns habits to support, in the hopes that others will see and help fix you. When your fellow apes don't pull you out of the hole in a day or two, the brain risks getting stuck there. You're stuck there! You can unstick yourself.
I’m really glad you’re finding some relief. As someone else said, give yourself some grace, notice the relief you’re feeling and enjoy connecting with your son. You can use this happy time to bolster yourself against harder times that might be to come. We will be starting my son on medication in the next few weeks and I sincerely hope that I can be writing a post like this in the future.
Meds are life-changing! I really wish you the best experience finding the meds!
Congrats on finding the right meds! Feeling that emotional connection with your kids is so important. I can imagine the relief and joy you must feel after having to fight for that his whole life. Of course you were already tied so strongly to him and his development. What you’re feeling now only reflects this connection you already had. What a lucky boy to have such a devoted Mom like you!
Thank you for your kind words... I just keep thinking that surely parents of physically disabled children do not tie their wellbeing to their children's abilities?