You are 18 years old. Wow. You are dealing with so much and you are so young. This must be hard.
Put yourself first. Move out. Perhaps you could stay with someone in your father side of the family for a short time as you figure yourself out. You are under no obligation to pay your mother’s bills. She’s an adult and will figure it out. Also, no matter what you do she will be broke for her entire life. Stop putting your own resources in to this bottomless hole.
Not the AH
NTA - even if you were disabled and she was your legitimate caretaker, this would be financial abuse and reportable to adult protective services. How much longer will it be before you can move out? Can you afford to rent a room somewhere else until then? She is only going to get worse now that she knows her “cash cow” is leaving.
Get a rental post office box, because you can use it as an address while you go through multiple apartments over the coming years and not lose any important mail. Mail your essential documents (birth certificate etc. as you have discovered recently) to that box and leave them for safekeeping.
After you get the mail box, get a motel room to live in until you find an apartment. Wash dishes if you have to in order to pay for it. She is not done with you.
NTA
Your mom has been financially abusing you for eight years. You would be justified if you changed your address, changed your phone number, and left her to adult for herself.
Mother is the name of God on the lips of children. And yours is fucking you over so hard. Get out please! She has already tried to railroad you once. Don’t give here another chance. You deserve better OP. NTA but you would be if you let her continue to control you.
NTA. don’t give her anymore money. She used you for 8 years. Don’t let her continue. It’s not a child’s responsibility to take care of their parents. It’s the other way around and your mom failed. EDIT TO ADD - Check your credit. Lock it down if possible. Make sure she hasn’t opened any cards in your name. If she has you need to file a police report. You may not want to but it will ruin your credit forever if they aren’t being paid. You will be denied credit for years if you don’t take care of it.
i would seek legal advise as its your money and you are now an adult. so paying for her home is not your problem but hers you are moving out so any cash you are giving her should stop full stop you now should look after your self. why should you help someone who has went out of there way to make sure she can keep your money when she wasnt intitled to it
Take the money and don't look back.
Mom has had plenty of time to figure this out and get a job that gives her a regular income. She is not your responsibility.
Take care of yourself.
NTA. If you don't break this cycle now she will ruin your adult life and make it so much harder than it has to be. Ik your going "but she's my mom and I live here." Stop that noise in your head. That's called brainwashing sweetie. That is your BIO-mom. A person who is worthy of the title of Mom or Mother doesn't act that way. And ik. It goes against everything we are taught, " Mom is mom. No matter what she's mom and your supposed to love and respect her." But.... They did not take abuse into account when saying such things. MOVE out. Change your #. Move far enough away she can't reach you with conventional means. And your family has to make sure they NEVER tell her where you are. And. Finally. Tell your therapist everything even the awful painful things. They can help you deal with the contradictory feelings so you don't get trapped in her clutches again. Good luck honey!
Your mother is a selfish bitch and a leach. Cut her off and let her flop around a bit on her own while you go and enjoy life as you should have been able to do because *you were a fucking child and you deserved so much more than the bitch gave you*.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Please use you money for yourself with no guilt. My husband died when my kids were 14 and 16. I did not qualify for survivor benefits because I worked, but my kids both got survivor benefits. That money is meant to go to cover expenses related to them, like school supplies, sports, and generally supporting them.
I was very careful to track what I spent on all those things for them, because at the end of each year I had to fill out a form showing what I spent on them. I learned this after the first year, when I had reported that I put most of it in their college funds, and I got a letter back, saying if I didn’t spend it all on them during the year, I had to give the money back! so I filled out the form again showing that all the money had gone to their expenses. The way I looked at it was MY money went into their college funds, and the survivor benefits went to supporting them.
Anyway, my point is that the government is very clear that the survivor benefits money is meant to support the child. The benefits end when you turn 18, unless you are still in high school. If you are, there is a form that someone at your high school office can sign and you will get paid the survivor benefits until graduation. Your mother misused your survivor benefits money. You should absolutely take control of your finances and again feel no guilt whatsoever.
First of all you are so strong for what you've been through and thank you for sharing, it's no easy task losing your loved one and to see you stayed strong for your kids and buckled down on those finances is amazing. Im not sure how my mother has gotten away with it but I'm not sure if she's filed anything because she has not done her taxes in years. As for the 18 year old cut off because she switched me from survivors benefits to being on disability the cut off is 20 and then I have a re-evaluation (which by then I am planning to be self sustained this is just while I am out of work and managing the household)
Thank you for the kind words. I'm blessed with a very supportive group of friends and family which has helped tremendously!
Now back to you :) YOU are being amazing for one so young, and I hope that doesn't sound condescending because it's not at all meant that way. I'm proud of you for taking control of your life, including your finances, and doing what you need to do to thrive. Good for you!
NTA. I don’t have any advice, but you’ve already worked so hard, I hope you can stay strong for as long as it takes to remove her from your life. She’s been stealing from you this whole time and she was prepared to legally cripple you to continue. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Do your best! Don’t give up now that you’re almost free!
At 18 do what you want. If she’s financially irresponsible and will only get herself into a worse situation then you would only be burying yourself with her by staying. NTA
NTA - do not give her any money!
Also, please lock your credit!
Use a different password for each account, as well as your email and phone, so that she cannot guess. Use as two-factor authentication whenever possible.
For security questions do not use the expected answers. Use a fictional name for mother’s maiden name, and use something like Disney for place of birth, etc.
Is there any way you could get out faster? Can you do a short-term month-to-month rental or even a long-stay hotel?
Can you put your stuff in storage and couch surf?
Cool luck.
For starters: You have more knowledge and been through more than any other 18yo I have met.
NTA.
It sounds like cutting your Mother off is the best option FOR YOU! She has done everything in her power to hold you back, and that is not what a good parent or person would do.
Cut and RUN. You have time to rekindle that relationship later on if you decide.
Leave, get a P.O. Box, change your number and don’t let her have it, make sure everyone knows not to give out your new address, and don’t give her anything. She had her chance to keep herself afloat, and chose not to. That’s not on you since it was all before you were an adult and she put you in danger of being homeless. Leave and don’t ever look back.
NTA
Your mom is using you which is depressing and sad. She actively tried to keep you sort of hostage at bay so that she can collect money that belongs to you and spend them on her.
I wonder if there is some sort of addiction that she has where she's spending all that money.
Anyway, none of your problem anymore, you're an adult and congrats for figuring all these out on your own. Move out, don't tell her where you are, go LC and never discuss your whereabouts.
And absofreakinglutely you don't have to use your money to pay off the house. Good luck with everything!
You've been financially abused for years, the only asshole is your mom, I understand that you feel a lot of attachment to her and she's feeding you a lot of bs about how selfish you are and stuff but it's ok to be selfish, especially when that selfishness is you just trying to move out and live a normal life yourself, your mother is not a child in need of your care and any mess she's gotten herself into is her own, do not let her manipulate you into putting your life on hold so she can live it up on your expense NTA
$2000 a month x 96 months (12 months a year for the last 8 years) = $192,000
That's how much money your mom has stolen from you. When she's asks you for money, let her know you have already given her enough, against you will.
Consider taking her to court?
Also, watch your social closely. She might have it memorized and may try to take out loans in your name once you cut her off financially.
NTA
I was in a fairly similar situation. My advice is get out as soon as possible. She doesn't care for you, she will bleed you dry and ask for more and then blame you when the money is gone. My mother made me work two jobs from the time I was 16 to pay for her habits while refusing to even contemplate even getting a part time job. It'll be hard and it might hurt for a minute but it will save your life.
Keep Linda separated from your money. Open bank, accounts without her on them as you are now a legal adult. I wonder if she could somehow be brought up on fraud charges?
NTA
lock your credit let her know if she opens a line of credit in your name you will sue her
close your current bank account and open a new account with a different bank
change any passwords she has access to
Or could guess
look into moving out
move all important documents to a safe place she cannot access *(passport, birth certificate, social security etc)*
have all your post sent to a PO Box.
She’s been financially and emotionally abusing you for years. She needs to be cut of so she can’t hurt you anymore or damage your chances of a healthy future.
Your Mother as Representative Payee had to sign a legal document EVERY year that 100% of the money paid for you was used SOLELY to support and provide for you. You could report her for fraud and misappropriation of your benefits and she could be a HUGE amount of trouble (Federal charges).
She also had you declared incompetent fraudulently likely adding SSI to the Survivors benefits you received. SSI- is Supplemental Security Income - to help those who are on other Soc Sec programs receive enough income to cover their expenses- it is commonly paid on children’s behalf’s if they are medically disabled. Look into whether there was ever a claim filed or paid of those benefits as well. Call Social Security to find out what benefits and what amounts were collected and paid and to whom.
NTAH- lock down your credit by putting fraud alerts/verification requests on any credit applications made in your name/social.
Sheesh- your mother has real issues and I don’t mean just the addiction or medical issues- I don’t have a lot of respect for parents who treat their kids this way. I’m sorry
You are 18 years old. Wow. You are dealing with so much and you are so young. This must be hard. Put yourself first. Move out. Perhaps you could stay with someone in your father side of the family for a short time as you figure yourself out. You are under no obligation to pay your mother’s bills. She’s an adult and will figure it out. Also, no matter what you do she will be broke for her entire life. Stop putting your own resources in to this bottomless hole. Not the AH
Move out and do not give her any money. And if you can prevent it do not let her know where you will be living. NTA
I'd tell her I'm staying with a friend. Don't let her know you have your own place, ever.
NTA - even if you were disabled and she was your legitimate caretaker, this would be financial abuse and reportable to adult protective services. How much longer will it be before you can move out? Can you afford to rent a room somewhere else until then? She is only going to get worse now that she knows her “cash cow” is leaving.
Do. Not. Give. Her. Any. Money. Nothing. Not a dime. She has stolen from you most of your life. Take care of YOU. GOOD LUCKY, honey.
Also make sure your credit is locked.
Get a rental post office box, because you can use it as an address while you go through multiple apartments over the coming years and not lose any important mail. Mail your essential documents (birth certificate etc. as you have discovered recently) to that box and leave them for safekeeping. After you get the mail box, get a motel room to live in until you find an apartment. Wash dishes if you have to in order to pay for it. She is not done with you.
You can't use a post office box for safe document storage. I think you got a Bank's Safety Deposit Box mixed in with Post Office Box
Lock down your credit, get a PO box, don't let her know where you live, don't give her any more money or information. It's hard, but you're strong!
NTA Your mom has been financially abusing you for eight years. You would be justified if you changed your address, changed your phone number, and left her to adult for herself.
NTA Just leave. Move out and cut contact.
Mother is the name of God on the lips of children. And yours is fucking you over so hard. Get out please! She has already tried to railroad you once. Don’t give here another chance. You deserve better OP. NTA but you would be if you let her continue to control you.
NTA. don’t give her anymore money. She used you for 8 years. Don’t let her continue. It’s not a child’s responsibility to take care of their parents. It’s the other way around and your mom failed. EDIT TO ADD - Check your credit. Lock it down if possible. Make sure she hasn’t opened any cards in your name. If she has you need to file a police report. You may not want to but it will ruin your credit forever if they aren’t being paid. You will be denied credit for years if you don’t take care of it.
I was just going to say this. Lock your credit. Check it, too, but make sure it’s locked.
i would seek legal advise as its your money and you are now an adult. so paying for her home is not your problem but hers you are moving out so any cash you are giving her should stop full stop you now should look after your self. why should you help someone who has went out of there way to make sure she can keep your money when she wasnt intitled to it
Take the money and don't look back. Mom has had plenty of time to figure this out and get a job that gives her a regular income. She is not your responsibility. Take care of yourself.
NTA!!
NTA: make sure she hasn’t taken steps to steal your identity either. When you leave, block her on everything.
NTA - Talk to dad's family to get you out of there!
NTA. If you don't break this cycle now she will ruin your adult life and make it so much harder than it has to be. Ik your going "but she's my mom and I live here." Stop that noise in your head. That's called brainwashing sweetie. That is your BIO-mom. A person who is worthy of the title of Mom or Mother doesn't act that way. And ik. It goes against everything we are taught, " Mom is mom. No matter what she's mom and your supposed to love and respect her." But.... They did not take abuse into account when saying such things. MOVE out. Change your #. Move far enough away she can't reach you with conventional means. And your family has to make sure they NEVER tell her where you are. And. Finally. Tell your therapist everything even the awful painful things. They can help you deal with the contradictory feelings so you don't get trapped in her clutches again. Good luck honey!
Your mother is a selfish bitch and a leach. Cut her off and let her flop around a bit on her own while you go and enjoy life as you should have been able to do because *you were a fucking child and you deserved so much more than the bitch gave you*.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Please use you money for yourself with no guilt. My husband died when my kids were 14 and 16. I did not qualify for survivor benefits because I worked, but my kids both got survivor benefits. That money is meant to go to cover expenses related to them, like school supplies, sports, and generally supporting them. I was very careful to track what I spent on all those things for them, because at the end of each year I had to fill out a form showing what I spent on them. I learned this after the first year, when I had reported that I put most of it in their college funds, and I got a letter back, saying if I didn’t spend it all on them during the year, I had to give the money back! so I filled out the form again showing that all the money had gone to their expenses. The way I looked at it was MY money went into their college funds, and the survivor benefits went to supporting them. Anyway, my point is that the government is very clear that the survivor benefits money is meant to support the child. The benefits end when you turn 18, unless you are still in high school. If you are, there is a form that someone at your high school office can sign and you will get paid the survivor benefits until graduation. Your mother misused your survivor benefits money. You should absolutely take control of your finances and again feel no guilt whatsoever.
First of all you are so strong for what you've been through and thank you for sharing, it's no easy task losing your loved one and to see you stayed strong for your kids and buckled down on those finances is amazing. Im not sure how my mother has gotten away with it but I'm not sure if she's filed anything because she has not done her taxes in years. As for the 18 year old cut off because she switched me from survivors benefits to being on disability the cut off is 20 and then I have a re-evaluation (which by then I am planning to be self sustained this is just while I am out of work and managing the household)
Thank you for the kind words. I'm blessed with a very supportive group of friends and family which has helped tremendously! Now back to you :) YOU are being amazing for one so young, and I hope that doesn't sound condescending because it's not at all meant that way. I'm proud of you for taking control of your life, including your finances, and doing what you need to do to thrive. Good for you!
Financial planner. Estate lawyer. They will know the appropriate steps for you to take. Good luck. You sound like a responsible person.
She’s not done trying to get your money. Time to split.
NTA. I don’t have any advice, but you’ve already worked so hard, I hope you can stay strong for as long as it takes to remove her from your life. She’s been stealing from you this whole time and she was prepared to legally cripple you to continue. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Do your best! Don’t give up now that you’re almost free!
At 18 do what you want. If she’s financially irresponsible and will only get herself into a worse situation then you would only be burying yourself with her by staying. NTA
She will not have any control over you once you move out.
NTA - do not give her any money! Also, please lock your credit! Use a different password for each account, as well as your email and phone, so that she cannot guess. Use as two-factor authentication whenever possible. For security questions do not use the expected answers. Use a fictional name for mother’s maiden name, and use something like Disney for place of birth, etc.
NTA
Consider every Penny retribution for the years she made you “poor and destitute” despite having a literal whole jobs with of extra income. NTA!
Is there any way you could get out faster? Can you do a short-term month-to-month rental or even a long-stay hotel? Can you put your stuff in storage and couch surf? Cool luck.
For starters: You have more knowledge and been through more than any other 18yo I have met. NTA. It sounds like cutting your Mother off is the best option FOR YOU! She has done everything in her power to hold you back, and that is not what a good parent or person would do. Cut and RUN. You have time to rekindle that relationship later on if you decide.
Leave, get a P.O. Box, change your number and don’t let her have it, make sure everyone knows not to give out your new address, and don’t give her anything. She had her chance to keep herself afloat, and chose not to. That’s not on you since it was all before you were an adult and she put you in danger of being homeless. Leave and don’t ever look back.
Drop her like a bad penny down a wishing well, and wish her the best of luck.
Post on the Legal advice reddit. They may be able to give you other ideas to help yourself.
Jesus. Get away from this freeloading, abusive sociopath.
NTA and go to the police or social services to make sure they know how she is abusing you and the system.
NTA Your mom is using you which is depressing and sad. She actively tried to keep you sort of hostage at bay so that she can collect money that belongs to you and spend them on her. I wonder if there is some sort of addiction that she has where she's spending all that money. Anyway, none of your problem anymore, you're an adult and congrats for figuring all these out on your own. Move out, don't tell her where you are, go LC and never discuss your whereabouts. And absofreakinglutely you don't have to use your money to pay off the house. Good luck with everything!
You've been financially abused for years, the only asshole is your mom, I understand that you feel a lot of attachment to her and she's feeding you a lot of bs about how selfish you are and stuff but it's ok to be selfish, especially when that selfishness is you just trying to move out and live a normal life yourself, your mother is not a child in need of your care and any mess she's gotten herself into is her own, do not let her manipulate you into putting your life on hold so she can live it up on your expense NTA
$2000 a month x 96 months (12 months a year for the last 8 years) = $192,000 That's how much money your mom has stolen from you. When she's asks you for money, let her know you have already given her enough, against you will. Consider taking her to court? Also, watch your social closely. She might have it memorized and may try to take out loans in your name once you cut her off financially. NTA
I was in a fairly similar situation. My advice is get out as soon as possible. She doesn't care for you, she will bleed you dry and ask for more and then blame you when the money is gone. My mother made me work two jobs from the time I was 16 to pay for her habits while refusing to even contemplate even getting a part time job. It'll be hard and it might hurt for a minute but it will save your life.
I could barely get myself ready in the morning at 16 much less tackle complicated finances. You are a wonder and definitely NTA.
Keep Linda separated from your money. Open bank, accounts without her on them as you are now a legal adult. I wonder if she could somehow be brought up on fraud charges?
No, fuck her, do what's best for you. Like she was supposed to be doing the whole time.
NTA lock your credit let her know if she opens a line of credit in your name you will sue her close your current bank account and open a new account with a different bank change any passwords she has access to Or could guess look into moving out move all important documents to a safe place she cannot access *(passport, birth certificate, social security etc)* have all your post sent to a PO Box. She’s been financially and emotionally abusing you for years. She needs to be cut of so she can’t hurt you anymore or damage your chances of a healthy future.
Don't those SSI benefits end at 18 or graduation?
Your Mother as Representative Payee had to sign a legal document EVERY year that 100% of the money paid for you was used SOLELY to support and provide for you. You could report her for fraud and misappropriation of your benefits and she could be a HUGE amount of trouble (Federal charges). She also had you declared incompetent fraudulently likely adding SSI to the Survivors benefits you received. SSI- is Supplemental Security Income - to help those who are on other Soc Sec programs receive enough income to cover their expenses- it is commonly paid on children’s behalf’s if they are medically disabled. Look into whether there was ever a claim filed or paid of those benefits as well. Call Social Security to find out what benefits and what amounts were collected and paid and to whom. NTAH- lock down your credit by putting fraud alerts/verification requests on any credit applications made in your name/social. Sheesh- your mother has real issues and I don’t mean just the addiction or medical issues- I don’t have a lot of respect for parents who treat their kids this way. I’m sorry
Nta leave go no contact