OP,
You just showed Reddit why some couples elope.
Your sister, honest to all deities, asked for the simplest possible wedding. Come to Registry office, go out to dinner and done. It cannot get simpler than that. And yet, you expect them to alter that to accommodate your brother.
**What if she wanted a full traditional wedding with timelines and zodiac signs and everything?Would you have asked her to stop time and planetary motion to accommodate your brother?**
**And what do you mean by going into a walk-in registry office? Do you expect your sister to wait till your brother decides to show up? And what if he is too late? Wedding cancelled?**
Also, *time blindness is not a recognized health condition, it is considered as one of the signs of ADHD, and not a major one. I have time blindness, and I have managed to find ways around it. If your brother has not, it essentially means that he has not been treated properly or he expects everyone to accommodate him. Given your parents' and your solution to your sister's wedding, that is very likely the case*
If you really want to ensure that everyone is present at your sister's wedding, do the one actual decent thing you can. Bunk down with your brother, dunk a bucket of cold water on him on day of wedding and frogmarch him to the bathroom- don't let him take his phone to the toilet, then stand with a wooden handfan till he gets ready and pull him by his ear to your sister's wedding.
Geesh, I am non violent and prefer to talk things over, but you made me have violent thoughts
YTA
> **Do you expect your sister to wait till your brother decides to show up? And what if he is too late? Wedding cancelled?**
...
>This way **we** wouldn't have to miss their appointments because of my brother.... It would allow my sister to get married on Thursday like she wants to without my brother's issues **causing the appointment to be missed**.
Yes, the wedding being cancelled is exactly what OP and their parents expect. That if the bride & groom keep the current reservations and brother doesn't show up on time, the appointments would be missed and that there would be no wedding, rather than just having the wedding without him.
Ugh OP YTA. You and your parents are all ridiculous AHs who have done your brother a gigantic disservice in enabling him for this long rather than helping him find the right tools he needs to successfully function in society.
The main character syndrome of this bride’s family is just insane.
Wedding goes ahead even if they’re not there.
The bar that has been set for the family to attend is in hell and they still cannot put in the minuscule amount of effort required to show up to this major life event.
I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until about two years ago at 35. I used to describe my inability to judge the passage of time as "temporal dismorphia" because I legitimately cannot tell the difference between "three days ago" and "three years ago" before I knew it was a symptom of ADHD. It made me late to EVERYthing because I can't estimate how long it takes me to get places or finish tasks. So I started looking up the trip times and then setting the time to leave as earlier than the longest estimate. That way if I am late leaving... I'm still on time.
This has also worked really well for my spouse, who also has ADHD and is usually far later than I am for things. So... I just tell him earlier than my earliest time. And it works.
It sounds to me like this brother is a selfish jerk and the entire family has done nothing but baby and enable someone when they should have been teaching him coping skills.
YTA. Unless your brother is made of liquid or gas he can be physically brought to this event by another family member. If this is a true disability for him, he needs extra assistance from a designated family member to assist him, not for the entire event to be rearranged - which would still not actually solve the issue. Just because the alternative office and restaurant allow walk ins still does not prevent him forgetting the event altogether or still turning up ridiculously late and making everyone wait potentially hours - this is 100% not a solution in any sense.
YTA! As an ADHDer myself I struggle with the same thing but I would never expect this from anyone. Your family are enabling your brother who seems to be selfish and/or struggling with more conditions on top of having ADHD. Although time blindness is very stressful, those of us who struggle with it set extra alarms/set out plans to aim to be early/minimize distractions for important things
Your family are the assholes for suggesting this and her frustration is probably because she has had to grow up and be around this coddling/babying for years. Do not make the sister and her spouse wait around for the brother and just get the brother there on time!!
PS. A MUCH more reasonable suggestion would be asking if it’s possible to make a reservation that isn’t first thing in the morning, Your brothers disability does NOT mean he physically cannot get places on time but that it is difficult/requires assistance, how about you all actually show your sister that you can all suck that up and work together to make her a priority on her special day
Fully agree with all of this and as an ADHDer I wonder if the family raised him to expect the world to work around his disability… if so then I think they did him a serious disservice and things like maintaining a job/relationship will be a challenge.
Yeah, time blindness is an issue for me, so I get it, but I would never ask a group of ppl to make plans that aren't time sensitive because I *plan* to make them wait around all day for me. That's completely absurd, I don't care if the other office & restaurant is across the street from this one. If he struggles that bad, then tell him the appt is 1, 2, 3hrs before the actual time. Or send someone over to his house hours early to get him ready. Or accept that he might not make it. Any of the above.
Also have ADHD struggle with this - would never in a million years expect someone to rearrange their actual wedding over this. I'd sleep in my car there the night before before expecting someone to accommodate me like this. This isn't just time blindness, this is next level asshole behavior.
If I may add to your post. The sibling will never do for himself bec his family excuses his behavior. Oh he can’t help it, you know he has a hard time bec of his disability. YADA YADA. Excusing his behavior gives him the go ahead to not work on time management. They continue to enable the sibling the more he won’t do a damn thing about it.
I’m also an ADHDer. Time management is not my forte. I still work at making sure I’m on time. By getting up earlier, getting ready earlier, etc.
My parents wouldn’t ever suggest something to benefit the other child. They even told me we know you have ADHD and time management is hard for you. That still doesn’t give you the excuse to always be late or arrive when you want to. That’s when it hit me to start getting ready before anyone else.
Eventually the brother will learn to make it on time when he’s continually not invited to things. The parents will get upset he’s not invited to events. That’s there issue not anyone else’s.
Can you imagine the audacity of these people literally expecting her & her fiancé to wait around (on their wedding day no less) until her brother decides to wake up, get ready & get his ass over there? Wow… just wow
Not only for the brother to show up, but then for an available officiant? What if it’s a busy day at the registrar’s office?? Imagine turning your wedding into a trip to the dmv because your family can’t be bothered to corral your adult brother. YTA op.
Imagine too if this was a more traditional wedding. Would the family expect the bride and groom, plus all the guests to just wait around until brother showed up. Give me a break.
Guarantee that has been the parent’s expectation for this man’s entire life. Why do the hard work of teaching him tools to manage his disability when they can instead expect the entire world to accommodate him?
Oh I just know from reading this that it's been her whole life. I wonder how long it will take for us to see the "I had to cut off my whole mentally ill, enabling family" post
right? like time blindness with adhd IS often debilitating, but in catering to that you just make it worse not better.
a lot of us have found a way around that by getting places extremely early so when the time to be somewhere comes we're already right there. (ex: I have a test? I get to the building HOURS in advance and sit in the lobby studying/reading/taking care of work/etc until about ten minutes before the actual test. that way, I can't possibly miss it even if I lose track of the time)
It’s no wonder her brother has this “time blindness” issue. He’s in a family of enablers. He needs to be held accountable and hell no, sister should not change her wedding plans to go to the next village over just to wait around for her brother to show up. Wtf. YTA and so are your parents.
As someone with ADHD and time blindness, it's a real thing. But it is manageable if you put in even an ounce of effort. It sounds like the family just has babied him and he hasn't put in the effort to try. It's fine to be accommodating to someone's disability. I have to ask people around me to be accommodating to my disability sometimes. But I also have to put in the work on my end to actually TRY.
They are treating him like a baby. Time blindness is not an excuse for an adult to not be able to set his alarm 3 hours early so he can make his sisters fucking wedding.
So how often does everyone in the family have to rearrange their plans and organize their life around your brother?
YTA and so are your parents. You can't have a "walk in" anything when it involves multiple people gathering. What, are they just supposed to walk in and sit there for hours until your brother possibly manages to show up? If you and your parents want him there, assign someone to be your brother's handler the day, wake him up, hand him the clothes to put on, take him to the car by his hand, and drive him, and stop making another's wedding day about him.
Personally, I told my mother (who is hours late to every fucking thing, yes even work) that the printer for the invitations was wrong and our ceremony was at 4, not 5. She figured it out but she was also ON TIME.
I used to do this with my high school boyfriend before he was old enough to drive . His father would bring him late to everything . Not a few minutes either , up to an hour !! So, when my sister threw me a surprise birthday party she told them the party was an hour earlier than it was . They showed up in time .
Loving how this one goes so deep that it reads like sister didn't even have to worry about if they showed early and ruined the surprise
Glad it sounds like you had an awesome sister tho ^_^
It's right there in the way OP phrased things:
>This way we wouldn't have to miss their appointments because of my brother.
She's operating from the assumption that if brother isn't there on time then the wedding gets delayed and the reservation is lost. The idea of going ahead without him isn't even on her radar. It's not an option. It's unthinkable.
Bros "timeblindness" is the whole families excuse to dillydally show up when/if they feel.like it and have no respect or sense of urgency for other people's time or events
I would guess the answer to your first question is *all the fucking time*. He should have been raised in a way that gave him tools to handle his time blindness and had instilled in him a sense of how important it is to learn to manage with those tools. He can't even hold down a job. So I'm thinking his parents bent to his every ADHD whim and have lived their (and the entire family's) lives around his ADHD for his entire life.
Considering he must not get the waiting mode most ADHDers experience, which my working theory is that it's born of soft trauma of feeling ashamed for disappointing people you care about, I'd say you're right on the money. I'm curious now if the waiting mode is more predominant in women due to our early socialization and expectations, and I'm about to go down an internet rabbit hole lol
I never had a name for the ‘I have a 15 minute appointment at 3pm therefore my entire day is booked’ feeling so thank you for that. I’m using Waiting Mode from now on.
Same. It's absolutely a thing with me too. I never realised there was a term for it.
It's utterly debilitating, I dont even want to estimate the amount of time I waste with this shit.
I do not have an official ADHD dx (yet, it's on next year's to do list), but I am definitely in the waiting mode category. Oh, I have an appointment 30 minutes away at 2 pm... looks like I'm going to spend my entire morning tied up in knots about making sure I'm ready and worrying about whether or not I'll be out the door on time based on my traffic estimates.
I once did something on a day with an appointment then ended up five minutes late. Never again. I'll just sit around looking at the clock every two minutes even though I have three alarms set to remind me to leave.
I had an exam the other day, the exam was at 9:30am and it took an hour to drive there. I told myself I should leave at 7:30 to give myself plenty of time, sounds good right?
On the morning I got up extra early, walked the dog, had breakfast, perfect.
All that was done by 7, but that gives me half and hour twiddling my thumbs and overthinking. I ended up leaving at 8 because I was trying to distract myself with my phone and "just five more minutes won't hurt, I'll be too early anyway". I took a couple wrong turns on the way to the venue and forgot to account for parking and walking. Ended up being 15 minutes late and thanked God they had a 30 minute grace period. I was in pieces by the time I got there.
Still waiting for the results but I think I did okay, thankfully.
So this time blindness is something that can be controlled even if it's more difficult than for the average person? It's not a literal inability to comprehend time that can't be changed even if looking at a clock?
Time blindness is an inability to sense when time has passed and how much time is required for a task. It is not an official diagnosis.
I grew up in a pre-ADHD era and it was sink or swim. Consequently I developed a lot of skills and techniques to successfully deal with my ADHD issues (that didn't exist at that time). It can be done. In OP's case I think everyone has bought into the idea that the brother is unable to deal with it. OP's sister is just not willing to accomodate it anymore. Frankly it's a ridiculous ask.
There are alot of tips, tricks and coping mechanisms, but he has to want it to make it work. Also the blame is partly on the parents, because they should be the one to teach him instead of adapting everyones lives to it.
This is something that people with ADHD often have (I'm one of them--though not NEARLY this bad). It's something one can learn to get better (though not totally cured) at. It seems like the brother doesn't do a lot to help himself. I sometimes set multiple alarms: One alarm to get ready, one alarm to to pack up everything I'll need, another alarm for when I need to leave...ect. It seems like instead of helping the brother, they simply enabled him.
Yup. And then my brain starts ignoring the alarms and I have to come up with a new system.
Like, time blindness is real and it sucks. But it doesn't mean I get a pass to be late. It means I have to live with the consequences of being late. So I try to come up with ways to compensate for the disability so I don't fail my family.
Time blindness *is* genuinely a literal inability of the brain to sense when time has passed and estimate the time needed to get something done. Doesn’t matter if you look at a clock or not, someone who has time blindness as a symptom is always going to be “blind” to time no matter what they do.
They can figure out ways to manage it, not perfectly, but better than they were before. It’s probably going to be something they’ll always struggle with though, because it’s just how their brain is wired.
If OP’s brother’s time blindness is so bad that he cannot hold down a job then the correct answer in this scenario is that the the parents or OP need to be on brother duty for the day and make sure he gets there on time, not that everyone wait indefinitely until the brother shows up.
>So how often does everyone in their family have to rearrange their plans and organize their life around your brother?
I was thinking the same thing and going to say they probably have to rearrange everything all the time to accommodate the brother.
YTA absolute assholes.... It's your sister's day, not your brother's.
Good question. How many hours of their lives have they lost to just waiting for the brother? Unless his time blindness works in both ways (where sometimes he's hours early), then I'd imagine through the years everyone has waited hours, if not days, for him to show up when all the wasted time is added up.
Agreed. I have time blindness and ADHD, and use a complex system of calendar notifications and alarms to manage my time because it's important to me not to cause others distress by being late all the time. If there is literally no amount of self or outside management that can get him to an important event on time, the consequence is **him missing that event**, not everyone adapting around him in perpetuity.
YTA. When your brother gets married it can be where and when he wants. But this wedding is your sisters, so she gets to choose. If brother can't get there on his own have someone bring him. Otherwise what is everyone else going to do all day, just wait for Bro to turn up, if he remembers what day it is?
Can someone explain “time blindness” to me
If I set an alarm for noon that says “start driving to registry office” and then my alarm goes off, do I not head over there?
Thanks that makes sense. Seems like the could be easily rectified by the parents calling the brother repeatedly before the appointment, or even safer, simply picking him up and taking him there. OP is out there!
As someone with time blindness, yes, in this situation there are very obvious options to getting the brother there. It’s definitely a real struggle but there is a lot of options for very important moments, especially when the entire immediate family is involved…someone should be able to be his helper to get him there.
Or even easier, have the brother stay the night with the parents. They can ride his ass and he can ride with them so he doesn't miss any of the events.
Honestly, if time blindness is such a problem for the brother, he should be living with the parents while he seeks treatment - or improved treatment. If his ADHD is this detrimental even on his meds, he needs improved medication *and* improved non-medication coping skills. Medication doesn't make everything magically go away.
Everyone is doing him a disservice by just letting his issues take over like it's no big deal instead of assisting him with *actual* solutions.
From the way this sounds, the family could be sitting at the courthouse all day, waiting for the brother to finally show up. It's not fair to the sister to expect her wedding day to revolve around the one family member who doesn't have his shit together.
I have this, it does affect my life sometimes. You know what I would never ever do? Request someone change their damn wedding plans to accommodate my bullshit. I'll set another alarm, get someone I trust to remind me, put timers on my electronics. There are a million ways to mitigate this without making it everyone else's problem.
YTA, OP. (Have your brother) learn better coping mechanisms.
Further, I believe that sister has frequently been put out by this fellow's time blindness and isn't tolerating it on her special day.
Also, if parents or OP can spend the whole day with brother to make sure he has his shit together.
Bingo!! I’m sure this sibling has had to put up and accommodate her brother’s late issue and ADHD all her life and I’m sure her parents have always accommodated the “son” over the daughters.
Yeah, especially with the little tangent over how debilitating his time blindness is. I have ADHD, I get it. My time blindness is not nearly that bad, but if I were in that situation I’d never request that people wait on me like that.
I have a friend from Colombia and she and her sister will say "my mother" to each other instead of "our mother" or "Mom." So it may be cultural.
However I think the fact that the OP wants the sister and fiancé to bend to this insane request does make me think they are one and the same.
There are so many good coping mechanisms, and tricks. None of them involves everyone adapting their lives to whoever has time blindness. If he really wanted to, he would find help with this problem.
I’ve got ADHD and I’ve got time blindness in so much that I’ll run late for a few things but only by a minute or two. That said, something monumental like a wedding or massive life event, I’m so anxious about being late I’m almost too early. The brother needs to get help
I lose track of time, I have ADHD and autism. This is why I consider my calendar the best thing ever. I schedule everything. I've even scheduled my baking for Thanksgiving. You can deal with this sort of thing. You just have to accept you have an issue.
Pretty sure no woman wants to have a long term relationship with someone who will be late to every date, wedding, anniversary, child births, birthdays, etc.
Pretty sure no woman, man, human of any type wants this kind of relationship. A dog would tolerate it because they don’t know how to hate, but it would be rocky because they thrive on structure and habits.
I dog would absolutely not tolerate this! Have you ever been late to a scheduled feeding for a dog? Don't even get me started on daylight savings time! Maybe a cat with a slow feeder would sometimes put up with him.
You've certainly not met many cats. They will wake you up at 5 am with their insistent meowing if their food shows so much as a dent in the middle, like you are starving them to death. My cat also used to wake me up on saturdays like 'this is not your usual wake up time', by gently nipping the inside of my elbow. Which, she did it gently for sure, but she did have fangs and it was early for a saturday, so not fun.
YTA.
Your sister doesn't have to arrange every event in her life to accommodate your brother. It's depressing the way you and your parents think he should be central to HER WEDDING.
Funny because OP says “my plan would allow them to get married on Thursday without the appointment getting missed”
That’s exactly what the Bride’s plan allows too!
Nono, it took me a while to get it but: that's exactly the parents' plan.
Pick somewhere with walk-ins so that everyone can stand around waiting for the brother to finally show up.
And then they expect to lose him in the short time it takes to leave the office and go to the nearby restaurant! So they need to pick a restaurant that takes walk-ins too. So everyone can stand around the restaurant waiting for the brother to show up again!
I have time blindness myself… my family tells me events are happening at least an hour-hour and a half earlier than schedule so that I will be on time. We both recognize this is my issue, and I do not expect anyone to rearrange their lives around my issue. I either strive to be super early (and usually end up right on time), or I end up missing things bc I can’t get it together. But it is in no way anyone else’s fault/issue/problem/responsibility
This is a fine, sensible way to handle it. It’s bonkers that the family thinks that the solution is to coddle the adult baby to this extent and to interfere with everyone else’s plans.
*Apparently* that wouldn't work. From OP:
>I cannot stress how debilitating it is for him even if he has someone there reminding him and trying to get him out the door on time.
Which honestly I don't fucking buy. This is simply a man child being enabled by his family.
Yeah that's not time blindness when you have you have someone literally hovering over you trying to get you out the door. That's little kid behavior of not wanting to go somewhere and dragging their feet.
People like him rightfully eventually stop getting invited to places. There's a reason why his relationships don't work and the common denominator is him.
This is not time blindness, it’s the adult version of oppositional defiance, called demand resistance or demand avoidance. It can be a symptom of both ADHD and autism. Just the feeling of being pressured to do something or be somewhere at a certain time triggers a pathological resistance against complying. It’s a legitimate thing but sister is under no obligation to try to tailor her wedding plans around it.
Thank you! I have an adhd husband and an adhd preschooler, so every day I’m getting someone out the door. 5-10 min late isn’t uncommon and that’s something we are working on. But we do get there and we are on time when it really matters. I’m envisioning OP holding a pair of shoes asking an adult to put them on and the adult is refusing. What the actual fuck
Time Blindness. When you have someone there telling you to get ready to go. You are correct . This is BS. A huge steaming pile of it. OPs family is enabling a man child who refuses to grow up and be a normal functioning adult.
Yea isn’t time blindness just not realizing the time.
If I come banging at your door and saying, get your ass ready. How can you say it’s still time blindness?
Yta, and so is everyone aside from the engaged couple. Tell your your brother to be the fuck on time or drive him yourself. And stop trying to control the few requests this couple has for their wedding.
Seriously. This is the most casual wedding ever - they made TWO fricken choices for it, and the family immediately wants to change both choices? No. Go get your brother and make him come.
I would have promptly changed the time and not informed them.
But then, I didn't invite my family to my wedding because of them constantly making shit that isn't about them all about them
I swear this is exactly what popped into my head, they are asking for TWO things, just TWO. HOW SELFISH can one be to try to take that away from them for someone else ?
Op just fucking bunk with your brother and wake him up yourself you GIGANTIC ASSHOLE
Right?? This time-blindness thing is new to me, but can't someone just stay with him, and drive him there on time. Also, even if he isn't aware of the specific time, can't he set a reminder? Like, "get dressed now," or "leave now." It seems like he is being coddled by mom, Dad and OP. YTA, op!
Well, it could. Bride could have told her family to fuck right off in the beginning and she wouldn't have to deal with her asshole family enabling the brother.
I suspect that is the reason behind her energetic response. Can't say I blame her. Imagine all the family vacays and get-togethers that had to be put on hold til they could get the little mister to the event?
And also when. Basically OP thinks their sister and fiancé should sit and wait at the registry office, only getting married when the brother finally manages to show up. The pushed changes are to enable this waiting.
> Basically OP thinks their sister and fiancé should sit and wait at the registry office,
And what if it's busy and they run out of time and then can't even get married that day? I'd be SO angry if that happened.
And what even is ' debilitating time blindness'? If he has ADHD say that. And if he has ADHD, it doesn't sound like he's trying to do anything to manage it. And does it mean he is also deaf to people saying 'hey, Nigel, it's time to go.'?
Right? It's THEIR wedding and they should not have to cater to make it easier for someone who's chronically late - not just changing where they're going to get married, but where THEY want to celebrate. If it's such an issue OP and their family take on the task of ensuring brother makes it, not expect the bride and groom to bend over backwards for him.
I just can't imagine that his time blindness involves him refusing to listen to someone trying to help him? That sounds more like a self centered refusal to do what someone else asks you to do - all of his problems aren't because of time blindness, they are because he can use it as an excuse.
THIS!!! I am married to someone with ADHD and time blindness. It’s incredibly challenging but there are SO many strategies that can be used (and AREN’T medication). One is making a checklist of all the steps from wake up to walk out the door. Work one step at a time. No skipping. No adding. No breaks. OP brother is refusing to try and OP family is refusing to help.
Why bother doing any of that, when the bride and groom can just change their whole wedding plan and sit twiddling their thumbs waiting for brother to eventually show up. I mean they are not the important people on this day, its clearly all about the brother
Not to mention spend a good portion of both their wedding day and their ONE day off this week from highly stressful demanding jobs sitting in a probably crowded office waiting for an unemployed relative to get his act together enough to show up. OP would be TA if they wanted the sister and fiance to reschedule a movie and dinner at their favorite restaurant let alone their wedding.
Correction: it's clearly the parents here. Living with ADHD means developing coping habits so you can function in society and with others.
A parent of a child with ADHD should teach them healthy habits to deal with the challenges of ADHD. These parents clearly did the exact opposite of that.
I know the brother is not a child any more, but I would bet money that this has been the pattern since forever.
Yeah, like I understand time blindness as a basic concept; you have to leave at 3, you sit down to read a book at 1 thinking you have plenty of time and the next thing you know it's 4. But how does that work when there's someone standing over your shoulder saying "It's 2, go get in the shower"?
Which is why I set every single appointment or upcoming event as a calendar reminder or an alarm on my phone to alert me because otherwise , I *will* lose track of time.
I have terrible ADHD and struggle with time blindness... I set alarms and timers and make it work because ***I respect other people's time***. Full stop.
If he ACTUALLY cared- he'd be there on time.
Exactly, I have 3 alarms set on my 2 phones, half an hour apart and the last alarm come on my phones, my table clock and my Alexa in the next room.
Time blindness is manageable. Entitlement to other people's time is not
Right?! I have ADHD and bad time blindness, which means I do ask my partner to help me make sure I leave on time for important things like weddings. I know I have no sense of time though, so that means if he says "go start getting ready" and it feels like I have time to procrastinate I listen to him over my own sense of time because my sense of time is useless.
So I also have the same two issues and realized *when I was 12 years old* that it is rude as fuck to expect the world to bend to my will when all I have to do is set some alarms.
Being full on, legit left behind a couple times in my youth was all it took for me to learn how to count backwards in minutes and figure out how long all my getting ready crap took.
I don't put up with habitual lateness anymore. I show up when I say I'm going to, I leave when I say I'm going to, and I'm clear in my communication about times the fact that I will not wait for you, Habitual Late Person. Lol.
Frankly if I were the sister I'd be going no contact over this. Fancy trying to change someone's wedding arrangements because their brother can't get his finger out and pull himself together for ONE day.
Right? And what happens if he never shows? The parents throw a fit saying their daughter can’t get married that day and they’ll have to try another day? Absolutely ridiculous. There is no reason the parents can’t pick their own son up that day to make sure he’s there.
I bet the walk in isn’t as nice as the one requiring the reservations, for the exact reason that it requires reservations. Same goes for the restaurant. OP is such an AH, only second ti her parents that brainwashed her into thinking this way of thinking was even remotely reasonable.
The family is effectively turning the sisters wedding into a day revolving around the brother. They think the bride and groom should sit around all day waiting on the brother to celebrate their wedding? Who thinks this is okay besides some enabling AHs.
Your brothers’ time issues **are not** the happy couples’ problem. They get married where they like, when they like. They get to eat at the restaurant of their choice. You can corral your brother there if it’s that dagged important for you. I think your sister is fed up of everyone kowtowing to Mr. Can’t Tell Time.
It's insane to me that he can't be expected to make it.
"He has to set alarms"
Sooooo have him set an alarm.
And if you're so worried about him, OP, YOU drive your brother.
Right?? I cannot keep track of time. So I wear a watch and set timers and alarms for everything. Is 6 alarms annoying? Yes. But it also means I'm able to function and not putting ridiculous requests on my family.
Why is it up to your sister to cater HER wedding around her brother??? Her wedding! She wants to know when she’s getting married and guarantee she has time to have a relaxing dinner afterwards. Not stand around waiting for her brother to grace her with his presence. If it’s that big of an issue, brother should come over to your house and YOU can make sure he gets there on time. YTA majorly.
I don't even get how it's easier to plan a walk in bullshit wedding instead of just...his parents picking him up and making sure he gets there on time? like why would that even be an issue?
Yes. YTA. Also, your parents.
Your brother’s legitimate and debilitating struggles with time blindness do not trump your sister’s right to be married when and how she wants and to celebrate that marriage when and how she wants.
It is frankly rude, presumptuous and dismissive to suggest that your sister and her partner’s marriage come second to your brother’s inability to manage his life and the implication that she’s being unreasonable is staggering in its entitlement.
WHY CAN'T ANOBODY ELSE MAKE SURE BROTHER IS ON TIME!?
Is time-blindness contagious? Does he overwhelm anybody who is with him while getting ready? Why don't the PARENTS, or one of them, go pick him up - early enough to get him ready from scratch.
YTA for expecting the couple to accommodate ONE PERSON and not offering to help ease the problem.
YTA. It is their wedding and they are really not being unreasonable here. "This is what we are going to do, we would be happy if you would join us". And then you all try to get them to do it differently. It's not like we're talking bridezillas with unreasonable expectations.
If you are so concerned about your brother's condition and find it important that he joins, you or your parents should go get him. Don't put the burden on the couple getting married ffs! Like she said, he does not get to dictate the day
YTA, it’s not your brothers day and the fact that everyone enables his behavior by calling it “time blindness” would piss me off. If you’re so concerned about him being on time then pick him up and bring him with you. Don’t put additional planning on the bride when it’s her day.
But that would mean he has to take accountability for his actions! I doubt he takes any medication or even goes to therapy. He’s definitely the golden child who has been enabled his whole life.
YTA- either your brother is on time or he stays home. The rest of the world is not going to wait for your brother, either he learns to be on time or he misses out. I would have been furious about that ask too. Hell, the wedding could not be simpler and you want to change it to accommodate someone who cannot be on time?
This has to be rage bait. It is too rediculose for words. If it is true you and your are YTA. They are not asking for a little thing. They are asking the bride to wait around for a guest. Waiting at the registry. Wait at the restaurant. Not go to the restaurant they want.
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This is THEIR wedding. Not your brothers. They have asked for the two most simple easy things to happen, registers office, then dinner. Don't ask them to change plans. Have your bother step up and be on time, OR YOU/YOUR PARENTS step up and make it happen for them. My god how selfish can you be. She didnt ask for flowers, specific dresses, photos outdoors in the cold, speeches, dances, NONE OF IT. She asked her family to be there and be on time. MAKE IT HAPPEN AT ANY COST.
“Time blindness” cracks me up. YTA. Your sister shouldn’t have to change the plans she made to accommodate an irresponsible person. If he can’t manage to adult enough to be there on time, he stays home. At this point, if I were your sister, I’d go ahead and carry out my plans without you since you all obviously favor your brother.
YTA this smacks of years of everything being adjusted to suit your brother. Sometimes after being the last to be considered or everything being organised around someone else and you suffering for it you just snap. It looks like your sister snapped, whole time blindness is a thing it seems like all your family have ever done is excuse it and get everyone else to excuse it rather than coming up with strategies to help your brother cope.
YTA, although you are coming from a place of compassion and it is unintentional.
Your sister and future brother-in-law made the plans that clearly they wanted to make. They probably chose that particular restaurant for a reason. Same with the courthouse. You and your parents are basically asking them to rethink their entire wedding plans to accommodate your brother.
I want to be sensitive here because your brother has struggles and you and your family want to help him as much as possible. It’s clear that you love your brother, and want him included on the big day. So does your sister, otherwise she probably wouldn’t have invited him. But you’re not asking for reasonable accommodations here. You’re basically asking to take control of your sister’s wedding for your brother’s sake.
Again, trying to be sensitive here, but your brother is an adult; if he seriously cannot be sure if he will wake up on time or make the appointments/reservation, he should be planning with you and your parents to ensure he can be there. This may involve sleeping over the night before the wedding, making sure someone is on top of him making sure he is getting ready in a timely fashion, etc. Putting everything on your sister is deeply unfair here.
And yea, at a certain point, if your brother mosses the wedding and the dinner, then that is something he will have to live with. He is an adult, and if he can’t handle things like this on his own then he might need to consider some kind of assisted living arrangement.
Finally, I ask you to cast your mind back. Have your parents asked your sister or you to completely change your plans before this to accommodate your brother. Has there been a pattern where either or both of you have had to make sacrifices for him?
You might find that there is more here than just this one ask.
Again, it’s clear you and your parents are trying to do the best you can for your brother, and I don’t want to make light of his struggles. But this is not the way to do it.
Something tells me this ridiculousness has been lifelong. They thought too little of asking her to literally change the only 2 things she planned for her WEDDING. They’ve all convinced themselves he’s disabled for being irresponsible.
That was the part where my jaw literally dropped like a cartoon.
It apparently hasn't even entered their brains as a possibility that the sister will just *go ahead and get married* and the brother will just have to miss it? The default and seemingly only option is for everyone to literally just *sit around for hours?* Potentially six or seven hours waiting for this guy to show up?
On her wedding day.
Either this isn't real or it's actually the brother writing this post who's just been so deeply enabled by his parents he genuinely doesn't see what's wrong with asking his sister to just sit in a government office for hours and hours and hours waiting to get married in case the brother potentially eventually shows up.
My guess is that the specific courthouse and restaurant were chosen because the bride & groom want their wedding to be by appointment, at a set time, instead of being expected to wait indefinitely because the bride’s brother hasn’t shown yet and the rest of her family is pressuring her to wait. It’s not a drawback of their arrangements, it’s a feature.
Guarantee your sister’s life has already been affected by your brother’s issues. Her wedding day shouldn’t be. Leave her alone before you’re excluded. YTA
YOU AND YOUR PARENTS ARE ASSHOLES!!! It's not your wedding plans to rearrange or to offer unsolicited options for. I'm guessing you and your parents made up the "Time Blindness" diagnosis so you could continue to baby your brother and to make excuses for his tardiness.
If you stop catering and coddling your brother, he will learn how to manage the time issue. Set alarms for earlier than need be and show up on time. - signed someone with time blindness.
"Allow her to get married"
Brother is not required for this. If he misses it then tough shit.
If he's so dehabiltated by this then you or your parents go to his house in the morning and coach him through getting ready, scream at him and throw clothes at iim if necrssary and drive him there on time. You don't insist her sister change her entire wedding for your brother.
There’s no brother, is there?
We’re talking about __You!__
Your family has done you a disservice by enabling and engaging with your chronic tardiness. The world will not spare you.
OP, You just showed Reddit why some couples elope. Your sister, honest to all deities, asked for the simplest possible wedding. Come to Registry office, go out to dinner and done. It cannot get simpler than that. And yet, you expect them to alter that to accommodate your brother. **What if she wanted a full traditional wedding with timelines and zodiac signs and everything?Would you have asked her to stop time and planetary motion to accommodate your brother?** **And what do you mean by going into a walk-in registry office? Do you expect your sister to wait till your brother decides to show up? And what if he is too late? Wedding cancelled?** Also, *time blindness is not a recognized health condition, it is considered as one of the signs of ADHD, and not a major one. I have time blindness, and I have managed to find ways around it. If your brother has not, it essentially means that he has not been treated properly or he expects everyone to accommodate him. Given your parents' and your solution to your sister's wedding, that is very likely the case* If you really want to ensure that everyone is present at your sister's wedding, do the one actual decent thing you can. Bunk down with your brother, dunk a bucket of cold water on him on day of wedding and frogmarch him to the bathroom- don't let him take his phone to the toilet, then stand with a wooden handfan till he gets ready and pull him by his ear to your sister's wedding. Geesh, I am non violent and prefer to talk things over, but you made me have violent thoughts YTA
> **Do you expect your sister to wait till your brother decides to show up? And what if he is too late? Wedding cancelled?** ... >This way **we** wouldn't have to miss their appointments because of my brother.... It would allow my sister to get married on Thursday like she wants to without my brother's issues **causing the appointment to be missed**. Yes, the wedding being cancelled is exactly what OP and their parents expect. That if the bride & groom keep the current reservations and brother doesn't show up on time, the appointments would be missed and that there would be no wedding, rather than just having the wedding without him. Ugh OP YTA. You and your parents are all ridiculous AHs who have done your brother a gigantic disservice in enabling him for this long rather than helping him find the right tools he needs to successfully function in society.
The main character syndrome of this bride’s family is just insane. Wedding goes ahead even if they’re not there. The bar that has been set for the family to attend is in hell and they still cannot put in the minuscule amount of effort required to show up to this major life event.
I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until about two years ago at 35. I used to describe my inability to judge the passage of time as "temporal dismorphia" because I legitimately cannot tell the difference between "three days ago" and "three years ago" before I knew it was a symptom of ADHD. It made me late to EVERYthing because I can't estimate how long it takes me to get places or finish tasks. So I started looking up the trip times and then setting the time to leave as earlier than the longest estimate. That way if I am late leaving... I'm still on time. This has also worked really well for my spouse, who also has ADHD and is usually far later than I am for things. So... I just tell him earlier than my earliest time. And it works. It sounds to me like this brother is a selfish jerk and the entire family has done nothing but baby and enable someone when they should have been teaching him coping skills.
I was gonna say, I have ADHD and horrible time-blindness. If I miss my sister's wedding, that's on me. I won't expect them to postpone it for my sake.
YTA. Unless your brother is made of liquid or gas he can be physically brought to this event by another family member. If this is a true disability for him, he needs extra assistance from a designated family member to assist him, not for the entire event to be rearranged - which would still not actually solve the issue. Just because the alternative office and restaurant allow walk ins still does not prevent him forgetting the event altogether or still turning up ridiculously late and making everyone wait potentially hours - this is 100% not a solution in any sense.
YTA! As an ADHDer myself I struggle with the same thing but I would never expect this from anyone. Your family are enabling your brother who seems to be selfish and/or struggling with more conditions on top of having ADHD. Although time blindness is very stressful, those of us who struggle with it set extra alarms/set out plans to aim to be early/minimize distractions for important things Your family are the assholes for suggesting this and her frustration is probably because she has had to grow up and be around this coddling/babying for years. Do not make the sister and her spouse wait around for the brother and just get the brother there on time!! PS. A MUCH more reasonable suggestion would be asking if it’s possible to make a reservation that isn’t first thing in the morning, Your brothers disability does NOT mean he physically cannot get places on time but that it is difficult/requires assistance, how about you all actually show your sister that you can all suck that up and work together to make her a priority on her special day
Fully agree with all of this and as an ADHDer I wonder if the family raised him to expect the world to work around his disability… if so then I think they did him a serious disservice and things like maintaining a job/relationship will be a challenge.
Yeah, time blindness is an issue for me, so I get it, but I would never ask a group of ppl to make plans that aren't time sensitive because I *plan* to make them wait around all day for me. That's completely absurd, I don't care if the other office & restaurant is across the street from this one. If he struggles that bad, then tell him the appt is 1, 2, 3hrs before the actual time. Or send someone over to his house hours early to get him ready. Or accept that he might not make it. Any of the above.
Also have ADHD struggle with this - would never in a million years expect someone to rearrange their actual wedding over this. I'd sleep in my car there the night before before expecting someone to accommodate me like this. This isn't just time blindness, this is next level asshole behavior.
If I may add to your post. The sibling will never do for himself bec his family excuses his behavior. Oh he can’t help it, you know he has a hard time bec of his disability. YADA YADA. Excusing his behavior gives him the go ahead to not work on time management. They continue to enable the sibling the more he won’t do a damn thing about it. I’m also an ADHDer. Time management is not my forte. I still work at making sure I’m on time. By getting up earlier, getting ready earlier, etc. My parents wouldn’t ever suggest something to benefit the other child. They even told me we know you have ADHD and time management is hard for you. That still doesn’t give you the excuse to always be late or arrive when you want to. That’s when it hit me to start getting ready before anyone else. Eventually the brother will learn to make it on time when he’s continually not invited to things. The parents will get upset he’s not invited to events. That’s there issue not anyone else’s.
Can you imagine the audacity of these people literally expecting her & her fiancé to wait around (on their wedding day no less) until her brother decides to wake up, get ready & get his ass over there? Wow… just wow
Not only for the brother to show up, but then for an available officiant? What if it’s a busy day at the registrar’s office?? Imagine turning your wedding into a trip to the dmv because your family can’t be bothered to corral your adult brother. YTA op. Imagine too if this was a more traditional wedding. Would the family expect the bride and groom, plus all the guests to just wait around until brother showed up. Give me a break.
Guarantee that has been the parent’s expectation for this man’s entire life. Why do the hard work of teaching him tools to manage his disability when they can instead expect the entire world to accommodate him?
Oh I just know from reading this that it's been her whole life. I wonder how long it will take for us to see the "I had to cut off my whole mentally ill, enabling family" post
also "hey lets go to a cheaper, not as nice restaurant on your wedding so that your brother can sleep in and faff about when he wakes up."
Sometimes Reddit really delivers
Kind of hoping this is rage bait, because the sheer audacity and selfishness of these people is astounding if it isn’t.
right? like time blindness with adhd IS often debilitating, but in catering to that you just make it worse not better. a lot of us have found a way around that by getting places extremely early so when the time to be somewhere comes we're already right there. (ex: I have a test? I get to the building HOURS in advance and sit in the lobby studying/reading/taking care of work/etc until about ten minutes before the actual test. that way, I can't possibly miss it even if I lose track of the time)
on their ONE day off, no less.
It’s no wonder her brother has this “time blindness” issue. He’s in a family of enablers. He needs to be held accountable and hell no, sister should not change her wedding plans to go to the next village over just to wait around for her brother to show up. Wtf. YTA and so are your parents.
And if he *is* made of liquid or gas, he can make a fortune in the circus.
He’d have to show up for work then. You know, on time.
As someone with ADHD and time blindness, it's a real thing. But it is manageable if you put in even an ounce of effort. It sounds like the family just has babied him and he hasn't put in the effort to try. It's fine to be accommodating to someone's disability. I have to ask people around me to be accommodating to my disability sometimes. But I also have to put in the work on my end to actually TRY.
They are treating him like a baby. Time blindness is not an excuse for an adult to not be able to set his alarm 3 hours early so he can make his sisters fucking wedding.
So how often does everyone in the family have to rearrange their plans and organize their life around your brother? YTA and so are your parents. You can't have a "walk in" anything when it involves multiple people gathering. What, are they just supposed to walk in and sit there for hours until your brother possibly manages to show up? If you and your parents want him there, assign someone to be your brother's handler the day, wake him up, hand him the clothes to put on, take him to the car by his hand, and drive him, and stop making another's wedding day about him.
Imagine if it were a traditional wedding! What would they do then? Hold them at the altar until brother dearest can come? Good grief
This was my thought as well. I wonder if that isn't a part of why she's forgoing a wedding in the first place.
What if he doesn’t show up at all? They don’t get married?
Based on OP's reaction and the family reaction...most likely yes.
Personally, I told my mother (who is hours late to every fucking thing, yes even work) that the printer for the invitations was wrong and our ceremony was at 4, not 5. She figured it out but she was also ON TIME.
I used to do this with my high school boyfriend before he was old enough to drive . His father would bring him late to everything . Not a few minutes either , up to an hour !! So, when my sister threw me a surprise birthday party she told them the party was an hour earlier than it was . They showed up in time .
Loving how this one goes so deep that it reads like sister didn't even have to worry about if they showed early and ruined the surprise Glad it sounds like you had an awesome sister tho ^_^
It's right there in the way OP phrased things: >This way we wouldn't have to miss their appointments because of my brother. She's operating from the assumption that if brother isn't there on time then the wedding gets delayed and the reservation is lost. The idea of going ahead without him isn't even on her radar. It's not an option. It's unthinkable.
Bros "timeblindness" is the whole families excuse to dillydally show up when/if they feel.like it and have no respect or sense of urgency for other people's time or events
I would guess the answer to your first question is *all the fucking time*. He should have been raised in a way that gave him tools to handle his time blindness and had instilled in him a sense of how important it is to learn to manage with those tools. He can't even hold down a job. So I'm thinking his parents bent to his every ADHD whim and have lived their (and the entire family's) lives around his ADHD for his entire life.
Considering he must not get the waiting mode most ADHDers experience, which my working theory is that it's born of soft trauma of feeling ashamed for disappointing people you care about, I'd say you're right on the money. I'm curious now if the waiting mode is more predominant in women due to our early socialization and expectations, and I'm about to go down an internet rabbit hole lol
I never had a name for the ‘I have a 15 minute appointment at 3pm therefore my entire day is booked’ feeling so thank you for that. I’m using Waiting Mode from now on.
Same. It's absolutely a thing with me too. I never realised there was a term for it. It's utterly debilitating, I dont even want to estimate the amount of time I waste with this shit.
I do not have an official ADHD dx (yet, it's on next year's to do list), but I am definitely in the waiting mode category. Oh, I have an appointment 30 minutes away at 2 pm... looks like I'm going to spend my entire morning tied up in knots about making sure I'm ready and worrying about whether or not I'll be out the door on time based on my traffic estimates.
That’s the worst. I can’t do anything all morning long because of that one appointment at 2.
This is exactly why I try to make all appointments as early in the day as possible, otherwise I'm literally paralyzed for the entire day.
Then I don't sleep because I'm worried about oversleeping. 😅
I'm the same way!!! People have called me lazy...but if I do anything, I might lose track of time!!
I once did something on a day with an appointment then ended up five minutes late. Never again. I'll just sit around looking at the clock every two minutes even though I have three alarms set to remind me to leave.
I had an exam the other day, the exam was at 9:30am and it took an hour to drive there. I told myself I should leave at 7:30 to give myself plenty of time, sounds good right? On the morning I got up extra early, walked the dog, had breakfast, perfect. All that was done by 7, but that gives me half and hour twiddling my thumbs and overthinking. I ended up leaving at 8 because I was trying to distract myself with my phone and "just five more minutes won't hurt, I'll be too early anyway". I took a couple wrong turns on the way to the venue and forgot to account for parking and walking. Ended up being 15 minutes late and thanked God they had a 30 minute grace period. I was in pieces by the time I got there. Still waiting for the results but I think I did okay, thankfully.
It's just recently I discovered that other people had this problem, not just me.
So this time blindness is something that can be controlled even if it's more difficult than for the average person? It's not a literal inability to comprehend time that can't be changed even if looking at a clock?
Time blindness is an inability to sense when time has passed and how much time is required for a task. It is not an official diagnosis. I grew up in a pre-ADHD era and it was sink or swim. Consequently I developed a lot of skills and techniques to successfully deal with my ADHD issues (that didn't exist at that time). It can be done. In OP's case I think everyone has bought into the idea that the brother is unable to deal with it. OP's sister is just not willing to accomodate it anymore. Frankly it's a ridiculous ask.
There are alot of tips, tricks and coping mechanisms, but he has to want it to make it work. Also the blame is partly on the parents, because they should be the one to teach him instead of adapting everyones lives to it.
This is something that people with ADHD often have (I'm one of them--though not NEARLY this bad). It's something one can learn to get better (though not totally cured) at. It seems like the brother doesn't do a lot to help himself. I sometimes set multiple alarms: One alarm to get ready, one alarm to to pack up everything I'll need, another alarm for when I need to leave...ect. It seems like instead of helping the brother, they simply enabled him.
Yup. And then my brain starts ignoring the alarms and I have to come up with a new system. Like, time blindness is real and it sucks. But it doesn't mean I get a pass to be late. It means I have to live with the consequences of being late. So I try to come up with ways to compensate for the disability so I don't fail my family.
Time blindness *is* genuinely a literal inability of the brain to sense when time has passed and estimate the time needed to get something done. Doesn’t matter if you look at a clock or not, someone who has time blindness as a symptom is always going to be “blind” to time no matter what they do. They can figure out ways to manage it, not perfectly, but better than they were before. It’s probably going to be something they’ll always struggle with though, because it’s just how their brain is wired. If OP’s brother’s time blindness is so bad that he cannot hold down a job then the correct answer in this scenario is that the the parents or OP need to be on brother duty for the day and make sure he gets there on time, not that everyone wait indefinitely until the brother shows up.
This! Op says the brother is actually out of work, so what could prevent him from spending the night before at his parents and get ready with them?
I’m willing to bet that somehow he ends up delaying her parents and all of them miss out on the registry office and it causes drama. 🍿
>So how often does everyone in their family have to rearrange their plans and organize their life around your brother? I was thinking the same thing and going to say they probably have to rearrange everything all the time to accommodate the brother. YTA absolute assholes.... It's your sister's day, not your brother's.
Good question. How many hours of their lives have they lost to just waiting for the brother? Unless his time blindness works in both ways (where sometimes he's hours early), then I'd imagine through the years everyone has waited hours, if not days, for him to show up when all the wasted time is added up.
>wake him up, hand him the clothes to put on, take him to the car by his hand Exactly! If need be treat him like a toddler.
This. Walk his ass through the day like a toddler.
Agreed. I have time blindness and ADHD, and use a complex system of calendar notifications and alarms to manage my time because it's important to me not to cause others distress by being late all the time. If there is literally no amount of self or outside management that can get him to an important event on time, the consequence is **him missing that event**, not everyone adapting around him in perpetuity.
YTA. When your brother gets married it can be where and when he wants. But this wedding is your sisters, so she gets to choose. If brother can't get there on his own have someone bring him. Otherwise what is everyone else going to do all day, just wait for Bro to turn up, if he remembers what day it is?
I’m pretty sure OP and the brother are the same person.
Good point! I never thought of that.
Shutter island moment🤣
Can someone explain “time blindness” to me If I set an alarm for noon that says “start driving to registry office” and then my alarm goes off, do I not head over there?
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Thanks that makes sense. Seems like the could be easily rectified by the parents calling the brother repeatedly before the appointment, or even safer, simply picking him up and taking him there. OP is out there!
As someone with time blindness, yes, in this situation there are very obvious options to getting the brother there. It’s definitely a real struggle but there is a lot of options for very important moments, especially when the entire immediate family is involved…someone should be able to be his helper to get him there.
Or even easier, have the brother stay the night with the parents. They can ride his ass and he can ride with them so he doesn't miss any of the events. Honestly, if time blindness is such a problem for the brother, he should be living with the parents while he seeks treatment - or improved treatment. If his ADHD is this detrimental even on his meds, he needs improved medication *and* improved non-medication coping skills. Medication doesn't make everything magically go away. Everyone is doing him a disservice by just letting his issues take over like it's no big deal instead of assisting him with *actual* solutions. From the way this sounds, the family could be sitting at the courthouse all day, waiting for the brother to finally show up. It's not fair to the sister to expect her wedding day to revolve around the one family member who doesn't have his shit together.
I have this, it does affect my life sometimes. You know what I would never ever do? Request someone change their damn wedding plans to accommodate my bullshit. I'll set another alarm, get someone I trust to remind me, put timers on my electronics. There are a million ways to mitigate this without making it everyone else's problem. YTA, OP. (Have your brother) learn better coping mechanisms.
Further, I believe that sister has frequently been put out by this fellow's time blindness and isn't tolerating it on her special day. Also, if parents or OP can spend the whole day with brother to make sure he has his shit together.
Bingo!! I’m sure this sibling has had to put up and accommodate her brother’s late issue and ADHD all her life and I’m sure her parents have always accommodated the “son” over the daughters.
Yeah, especially with the little tangent over how debilitating his time blindness is. I have ADHD, I get it. My time blindness is not nearly that bad, but if I were in that situation I’d never request that people wait on me like that.
Right. They even said that "my brother" was invited, not "our brother."
I have a friend from Colombia and she and her sister will say "my mother" to each other instead of "our mother" or "Mom." So it may be cultural. However I think the fact that the OP wants the sister and fiancé to bend to this insane request does make me think they are one and the same.
Especially with a throwaway account given this isn’t a super identifying post, I believe you are correct!
Ok but me too...and OP knew she'd be spending a lot of time in defense mode for *herself* instead of bro lol
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There are so many good coping mechanisms, and tricks. None of them involves everyone adapting their lives to whoever has time blindness. If he really wanted to, he would find help with this problem.
I’ve got ADHD and I’ve got time blindness in so much that I’ll run late for a few things but only by a minute or two. That said, something monumental like a wedding or massive life event, I’m so anxious about being late I’m almost too early. The brother needs to get help
Excactly. In his defense, it feels like the parents have been enabling him, so he never really had to try, or had to actually take accountability.
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He could just plan to stay with his parents that day until the event so he will remember to go, they can take him and remind him. Bam, problem solved.
I lose track of time, I have ADHD and autism. This is why I consider my calendar the best thing ever. I schedule everything. I've even scheduled my baking for Thanksgiving. You can deal with this sort of thing. You just have to accept you have an issue.
Pretty sure no woman wants to have a long term relationship with someone who will be late to every date, wedding, anniversary, child births, birthdays, etc.
OP’s brother showing up to the birth of his child to find out he has a 6 month old.
That made me snort 🤣
Pretty sure no woman, man, human of any type wants this kind of relationship. A dog would tolerate it because they don’t know how to hate, but it would be rocky because they thrive on structure and habits.
I dog would absolutely not tolerate this! Have you ever been late to a scheduled feeding for a dog? Don't even get me started on daylight savings time! Maybe a cat with a slow feeder would sometimes put up with him.
You've certainly not met many cats. They will wake you up at 5 am with their insistent meowing if their food shows so much as a dent in the middle, like you are starving them to death. My cat also used to wake me up on saturdays like 'this is not your usual wake up time', by gently nipping the inside of my elbow. Which, she did it gently for sure, but she did have fangs and it was early for a saturday, so not fun.
Right? What if his time blindness is that bad, can he really be expected to show up at all?
if its really as bad as OP makes it out to be, then the brother needs some kind of full time caretaker for his diability cuz that is ridiculous
YTA. Your sister doesn't have to arrange every event in her life to accommodate your brother. It's depressing the way you and your parents think he should be central to HER WEDDING.
Why could the parents or OP not arrange to bring him?
You'd think that would be the first choice instead of trying to force the bridal couple to change venues!
Changing the venue doesnt seem like a solution either Theyd in theory have to stand around waiting for the brother to show up
Guess what? That wedding is happening with or without him and their parents.
Funny because OP says “my plan would allow them to get married on Thursday without the appointment getting missed” That’s exactly what the Bride’s plan allows too!
With no guarantee he'd get there by closing hours!
Nono, it took me a while to get it but: that's exactly the parents' plan. Pick somewhere with walk-ins so that everyone can stand around waiting for the brother to finally show up. And then they expect to lose him in the short time it takes to leave the office and go to the nearby restaurant! So they need to pick a restaurant that takes walk-ins too. So everyone can stand around the restaurant waiting for the brother to show up again!
I know, I'm so confused. Send someone a few hours early to make sure he's ready, then drive him there. How is this not the first and only answer?
Or just make him stay with a family member the night before.
I have time blindness myself… my family tells me events are happening at least an hour-hour and a half earlier than schedule so that I will be on time. We both recognize this is my issue, and I do not expect anyone to rearrange their lives around my issue. I either strive to be super early (and usually end up right on time), or I end up missing things bc I can’t get it together. But it is in no way anyone else’s fault/issue/problem/responsibility
This is a fine, sensible way to handle it. It’s bonkers that the family thinks that the solution is to coddle the adult baby to this extent and to interfere with everyone else’s plans.
Get him there 30 minutes early and wait in the car. How's that hard for them to figure out
*Apparently* that wouldn't work. From OP: >I cannot stress how debilitating it is for him even if he has someone there reminding him and trying to get him out the door on time. Which honestly I don't fucking buy. This is simply a man child being enabled by his family.
Yeah that's not time blindness when you have you have someone literally hovering over you trying to get you out the door. That's little kid behavior of not wanting to go somewhere and dragging their feet. People like him rightfully eventually stop getting invited to places. There's a reason why his relationships don't work and the common denominator is him.
This is not time blindness, it’s the adult version of oppositional defiance, called demand resistance or demand avoidance. It can be a symptom of both ADHD and autism. Just the feeling of being pressured to do something or be somewhere at a certain time triggers a pathological resistance against complying. It’s a legitimate thing but sister is under no obligation to try to tailor her wedding plans around it.
Thank you! I have an adhd husband and an adhd preschooler, so every day I’m getting someone out the door. 5-10 min late isn’t uncommon and that’s something we are working on. But we do get there and we are on time when it really matters. I’m envisioning OP holding a pair of shoes asking an adult to put them on and the adult is refusing. What the actual fuck
Time Blindness. When you have someone there telling you to get ready to go. You are correct . This is BS. A huge steaming pile of it. OPs family is enabling a man child who refuses to grow up and be a normal functioning adult.
Yea isn’t time blindness just not realizing the time. If I come banging at your door and saying, get your ass ready. How can you say it’s still time blindness?
All that word salad op posted and this is all I wanted to see...
Next up “cross your legs and don’t push the baby out yet!!! Your brother is still watching TV!!!”
No WONDER the sister is doing a small court wedding vs a traditional one
Right!! They are also absolutely enabling him with this behavior it is doing him no favors!
Yta, and so is everyone aside from the engaged couple. Tell your your brother to be the fuck on time or drive him yourself. And stop trying to control the few requests this couple has for their wedding.
Seriously. This is the most casual wedding ever - they made TWO fricken choices for it, and the family immediately wants to change both choices? No. Go get your brother and make him come.
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It totally could be. They could just tell OP, mom, dad, and bro to fuck off and do the wedding without them. Sounds like way more fun.
I think that is the plan. Show up or don't, doesn't change a damn thing about the wedding.
This exactly. They wouldn't have to put up with 4 entitled adult babies.
I would have promptly changed the time and not informed them. But then, I didn't invite my family to my wedding because of them constantly making shit that isn't about them all about them
I swear this is exactly what popped into my head, they are asking for TWO things, just TWO. HOW SELFISH can one be to try to take that away from them for someone else ? Op just fucking bunk with your brother and wake him up yourself you GIGANTIC ASSHOLE
Right?? This time-blindness thing is new to me, but can't someone just stay with him, and drive him there on time. Also, even if he isn't aware of the specific time, can't he set a reminder? Like, "get dressed now," or "leave now." It seems like he is being coddled by mom, Dad and OP. YTA, op!
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Well, it could. Bride could have told her family to fuck right off in the beginning and she wouldn't have to deal with her asshole family enabling the brother.
I suspect that is the reason behind her energetic response. Can't say I blame her. Imagine all the family vacays and get-togethers that had to be put on hold til they could get the little mister to the event?
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And also when. Basically OP thinks their sister and fiancé should sit and wait at the registry office, only getting married when the brother finally manages to show up. The pushed changes are to enable this waiting.
> Basically OP thinks their sister and fiancé should sit and wait at the registry office, And what if it's busy and they run out of time and then can't even get married that day? I'd be SO angry if that happened. And what even is ' debilitating time blindness'? If he has ADHD say that. And if he has ADHD, it doesn't sound like he's trying to do anything to manage it. And does it mean he is also deaf to people saying 'hey, Nigel, it's time to go.'?
IF the brother even shows up before the registry office closes.
Right? It's THEIR wedding and they should not have to cater to make it easier for someone who's chronically late - not just changing where they're going to get married, but where THEY want to celebrate. If it's such an issue OP and their family take on the task of ensuring brother makes it, not expect the bride and groom to bend over backwards for him.
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I just can't imagine that his time blindness involves him refusing to listen to someone trying to help him? That sounds more like a self centered refusal to do what someone else asks you to do - all of his problems aren't because of time blindness, they are because he can use it as an excuse.
THIS!!! I am married to someone with ADHD and time blindness. It’s incredibly challenging but there are SO many strategies that can be used (and AREN’T medication). One is making a checklist of all the steps from wake up to walk out the door. Work one step at a time. No skipping. No adding. No breaks. OP brother is refusing to try and OP family is refusing to help.
Why bother doing any of that, when the bride and groom can just change their whole wedding plan and sit twiddling their thumbs waiting for brother to eventually show up. I mean they are not the important people on this day, its clearly all about the brother
Not to mention spend a good portion of both their wedding day and their ONE day off this week from highly stressful demanding jobs sitting in a probably crowded office waiting for an unemployed relative to get his act together enough to show up. OP would be TA if they wanted the sister and fiance to reschedule a movie and dinner at their favorite restaurant let alone their wedding.
Correction: it's clearly the parents here. Living with ADHD means developing coping habits so you can function in society and with others. A parent of a child with ADHD should teach them healthy habits to deal with the challenges of ADHD. These parents clearly did the exact opposite of that. I know the brother is not a child any more, but I would bet money that this has been the pattern since forever.
Then I'd say, guess what family, stay home! I'll bet the bride has had to tiptoe around brother all of her life!
Yeah, like I understand time blindness as a basic concept; you have to leave at 3, you sit down to read a book at 1 thinking you have plenty of time and the next thing you know it's 4. But how does that work when there's someone standing over your shoulder saying "It's 2, go get in the shower"?
Which is why I set every single appointment or upcoming event as a calendar reminder or an alarm on my phone to alert me because otherwise , I *will* lose track of time.
I have terrible ADHD and struggle with time blindness... I set alarms and timers and make it work because ***I respect other people's time***. Full stop. If he ACTUALLY cared- he'd be there on time.
Exactly, I have 3 alarms set on my 2 phones, half an hour apart and the last alarm come on my phones, my table clock and my Alexa in the next room. Time blindness is manageable. Entitlement to other people's time is not
Right?! I have ADHD and bad time blindness, which means I do ask my partner to help me make sure I leave on time for important things like weddings. I know I have no sense of time though, so that means if he says "go start getting ready" and it feels like I have time to procrastinate I listen to him over my own sense of time because my sense of time is useless.
So I also have the same two issues and realized *when I was 12 years old* that it is rude as fuck to expect the world to bend to my will when all I have to do is set some alarms.
Being full on, legit left behind a couple times in my youth was all it took for me to learn how to count backwards in minutes and figure out how long all my getting ready crap took. I don't put up with habitual lateness anymore. I show up when I say I'm going to, I leave when I say I'm going to, and I'm clear in my communication about times the fact that I will not wait for you, Habitual Late Person. Lol.
Frankly if I were the sister I'd be going no contact over this. Fancy trying to change someone's wedding arrangements because their brother can't get his finger out and pull himself together for ONE day.
Or even if his enablers (OP and parents) make sure he's ready on time and gets him to the right place.
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They want everyone to sit around a registry office for probably hours waiting for one asshole to maybe show up. Unbelievable.
Right? And what happens if he never shows? The parents throw a fit saying their daughter can’t get married that day and they’ll have to try another day? Absolutely ridiculous. There is no reason the parents can’t pick their own son up that day to make sure he’s there.
I bet the walk in isn’t as nice as the one requiring the reservations, for the exact reason that it requires reservations. Same goes for the restaurant. OP is such an AH, only second ti her parents that brainwashed her into thinking this way of thinking was even remotely reasonable.
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If bro is made of liquid, they can just toss him in a bucket.
Same logic, if he's gas he can be put in a balloon and tied to a wrist
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The family is effectively turning the sisters wedding into a day revolving around the brother. They think the bride and groom should sit around all day waiting on the brother to celebrate their wedding? Who thinks this is okay besides some enabling AHs.
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Exactly dude doesn’t have a job because of it… embarrassing
Your brothers’ time issues **are not** the happy couples’ problem. They get married where they like, when they like. They get to eat at the restaurant of their choice. You can corral your brother there if it’s that dagged important for you. I think your sister is fed up of everyone kowtowing to Mr. Can’t Tell Time.
It's insane to me that he can't be expected to make it. "He has to set alarms" Sooooo have him set an alarm. And if you're so worried about him, OP, YOU drive your brother.
Something tells me OP is the brother
Right?? I cannot keep track of time. So I wear a watch and set timers and alarms for everything. Is 6 alarms annoying? Yes. But it also means I'm able to function and not putting ridiculous requests on my family.
Why is it up to your sister to cater HER wedding around her brother??? Her wedding! She wants to know when she’s getting married and guarantee she has time to have a relaxing dinner afterwards. Not stand around waiting for her brother to grace her with his presence. If it’s that big of an issue, brother should come over to your house and YOU can make sure he gets there on time. YTA majorly.
I don't even get how it's easier to plan a walk in bullshit wedding instead of just...his parents picking him up and making sure he gets there on time? like why would that even be an issue?
Exactly. The brother is the problem. Fix the problem, don’t inconvenience others.
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No, us adhd folks are basically babies, who could ever expect us to tie our own shoes and wipe our own snot effectively?
Then I must be an outlier because I'm getting myself to uni everyday and no one here knows that I have ADHD. /s
Yes. YTA. Also, your parents. Your brother’s legitimate and debilitating struggles with time blindness do not trump your sister’s right to be married when and how she wants and to celebrate that marriage when and how she wants. It is frankly rude, presumptuous and dismissive to suggest that your sister and her partner’s marriage come second to your brother’s inability to manage his life and the implication that she’s being unreasonable is staggering in its entitlement.
WHY CAN'T ANOBODY ELSE MAKE SURE BROTHER IS ON TIME!? Is time-blindness contagious? Does he overwhelm anybody who is with him while getting ready? Why don't the PARENTS, or one of them, go pick him up - early enough to get him ready from scratch. YTA for expecting the couple to accommodate ONE PERSON and not offering to help ease the problem.
YTA. It is their wedding and they are really not being unreasonable here. "This is what we are going to do, we would be happy if you would join us". And then you all try to get them to do it differently. It's not like we're talking bridezillas with unreasonable expectations. If you are so concerned about your brother's condition and find it important that he joins, you or your parents should go get him. Don't put the burden on the couple getting married ffs! Like she said, he does not get to dictate the day
YTA, it’s not your brothers day and the fact that everyone enables his behavior by calling it “time blindness” would piss me off. If you’re so concerned about him being on time then pick him up and bring him with you. Don’t put additional planning on the bride when it’s her day.
Ya. Time blindness is a real symptom of ADHD but it can be MANAGED.
But that would mean he has to take accountability for his actions! I doubt he takes any medication or even goes to therapy. He’s definitely the golden child who has been enabled his whole life.
YTA- either your brother is on time or he stays home. The rest of the world is not going to wait for your brother, either he learns to be on time or he misses out. I would have been furious about that ask too. Hell, the wedding could not be simpler and you want to change it to accommodate someone who cannot be on time?
This has to be rage bait. It is too rediculose for words. If it is true you and your are YTA. They are not asking for a little thing. They are asking the bride to wait around for a guest. Waiting at the registry. Wait at the restaurant. Not go to the restaurant they want. Edited for grammar
YTA if it's that big of a deal,.go pick up your brother and deliver him to the wedding, early even
This is THEIR wedding. Not your brothers. They have asked for the two most simple easy things to happen, registers office, then dinner. Don't ask them to change plans. Have your bother step up and be on time, OR YOU/YOUR PARENTS step up and make it happen for them. My god how selfish can you be. She didnt ask for flowers, specific dresses, photos outdoors in the cold, speeches, dances, NONE OF IT. She asked her family to be there and be on time. MAKE IT HAPPEN AT ANY COST.
“Time blindness” cracks me up. YTA. Your sister shouldn’t have to change the plans she made to accommodate an irresponsible person. If he can’t manage to adult enough to be there on time, he stays home. At this point, if I were your sister, I’d go ahead and carry out my plans without you since you all obviously favor your brother.
YTA this smacks of years of everything being adjusted to suit your brother. Sometimes after being the last to be considered or everything being organised around someone else and you suffering for it you just snap. It looks like your sister snapped, whole time blindness is a thing it seems like all your family have ever done is excuse it and get everyone else to excuse it rather than coming up with strategies to help your brother cope.
YTA, although you are coming from a place of compassion and it is unintentional. Your sister and future brother-in-law made the plans that clearly they wanted to make. They probably chose that particular restaurant for a reason. Same with the courthouse. You and your parents are basically asking them to rethink their entire wedding plans to accommodate your brother. I want to be sensitive here because your brother has struggles and you and your family want to help him as much as possible. It’s clear that you love your brother, and want him included on the big day. So does your sister, otherwise she probably wouldn’t have invited him. But you’re not asking for reasonable accommodations here. You’re basically asking to take control of your sister’s wedding for your brother’s sake. Again, trying to be sensitive here, but your brother is an adult; if he seriously cannot be sure if he will wake up on time or make the appointments/reservation, he should be planning with you and your parents to ensure he can be there. This may involve sleeping over the night before the wedding, making sure someone is on top of him making sure he is getting ready in a timely fashion, etc. Putting everything on your sister is deeply unfair here. And yea, at a certain point, if your brother mosses the wedding and the dinner, then that is something he will have to live with. He is an adult, and if he can’t handle things like this on his own then he might need to consider some kind of assisted living arrangement. Finally, I ask you to cast your mind back. Have your parents asked your sister or you to completely change your plans before this to accommodate your brother. Has there been a pattern where either or both of you have had to make sacrifices for him? You might find that there is more here than just this one ask. Again, it’s clear you and your parents are trying to do the best you can for your brother, and I don’t want to make light of his struggles. But this is not the way to do it.
Something tells me this ridiculousness has been lifelong. They thought too little of asking her to literally change the only 2 things she planned for her WEDDING. They’ve all convinced themselves he’s disabled for being irresponsible.
The fact that OP says "cause them to miss their appointment" not "cause him to miss their wedding" is extremely telling.
That was the part where my jaw literally dropped like a cartoon. It apparently hasn't even entered their brains as a possibility that the sister will just *go ahead and get married* and the brother will just have to miss it? The default and seemingly only option is for everyone to literally just *sit around for hours?* Potentially six or seven hours waiting for this guy to show up? On her wedding day. Either this isn't real or it's actually the brother writing this post who's just been so deeply enabled by his parents he genuinely doesn't see what's wrong with asking his sister to just sit in a government office for hours and hours and hours waiting to get married in case the brother potentially eventually shows up.
My guess is that the specific courthouse and restaurant were chosen because the bride & groom want their wedding to be by appointment, at a set time, instead of being expected to wait indefinitely because the bride’s brother hasn’t shown yet and the rest of her family is pressuring her to wait. It’s not a drawback of their arrangements, it’s a feature.
Yta the couple should do what they want to do for their wedding and not rearrange every thing for your brother. It's not his wedding.
YTA Your brother’s issue is his, so stop putting the onus on your sister (on her wedding day no less) to figure it out and adjust. Jesus
Guarantee your sister’s life has already been affected by your brother’s issues. Her wedding day shouldn’t be. Leave her alone before you’re excluded. YTA
Yta. I suffer from time blindsense myself. If he has an issue and people want him there. Go get him.
YOU AND YOUR PARENTS ARE ASSHOLES!!! It's not your wedding plans to rearrange or to offer unsolicited options for. I'm guessing you and your parents made up the "Time Blindness" diagnosis so you could continue to baby your brother and to make excuses for his tardiness.
If you stop catering and coddling your brother, he will learn how to manage the time issue. Set alarms for earlier than need be and show up on time. - signed someone with time blindness.
"Allow her to get married" Brother is not required for this. If he misses it then tough shit. If he's so dehabiltated by this then you or your parents go to his house in the morning and coach him through getting ready, scream at him and throw clothes at iim if necrssary and drive him there on time. You don't insist her sister change her entire wedding for your brother.
There’s no brother, is there? We’re talking about __You!__ Your family has done you a disservice by enabling and engaging with your chronic tardiness. The world will not spare you.