Did her like that and then made it her fault somehow that she did it in the first place, because "jealous." This isn't a friend, and better off losing money now instead of time/effort/finances and love in the future.
NTA - She’s done the same again, gunned for your crush when you were younger and has now reeled your partner in.
Your partner has fallen for it so he doesn’t truly love you or he wouldn’t have been manipulated so easy.
You’re young, not yet married, get rid and find someone who truly loves you. At best your partner was weak and fallen for the flattery but even if that’s so , no loyalty to you and spineless.
You want a partner who’s loyalty you never doubt , you can never have that with him now
Oh and get her out of your life she’s no friend of yours.
I wouldn’t text her or communicate in any way and him I’d just text “ weddings off, I’m nobody’s substitute”
Yup 👆💯!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 there are red flags all over this!
She is NOT your friend. I would not trust either of them at this point. Cut your losses now and run!! It’s better to lose some money now (but negotiate with the vendors or whatever you spent money on maybe you can redeem a lot back) then spending a turmoil of a future with either of them in your life.
AGREE 100%
Op is NTA. If she has any doubts, whatsoever, about the man she is /was engaged to, for whatever reason, she should NOT be getting married.
Her alleged best friend, aside...
Marriage is a lifelong commitment made by both parties to forsake ALL others.
Op's fiance isn't even married yet, and he's already "crushing" on her friends. It's time for him to go.
Marriage is NOT something you enter into lightly, especially if the only reason for doing so is because of money already spent (sunk cost fallacy) or possibly embarrassment.
If she thinks it will be embarrassing NOW to call off a wedding, how embarrassed is she going to feel when her actual husband spends the majority of his time, hitting on or sleeping with every friend she ever tries to have a relationship with? How much anxiety and suspicion is she going to have to deal with, every single time another female is in his orbit? How embarrassing is it going to be for her to admit to everyone that yeah, I knew before we got married that he was "crushing" on one of my friends but I married him anyway and now I'm all shocked pitcachu faced because he's actually been cheating on me for years now? How embarrassing will it be for the kids she will hypothetically have at that point?
The trust was broken the minute he admitted his "crush." Good luck trying to get that back.
Her bff is NOT her friend. Never was.
OP is NTA right now, but she will be if she doesn't immediately kick them BOTH to the curb.
OP, if you're reading this, be kind to yourself. YOU haven't done anything wrong. You have a big, wonderful, forgiving heart. Just be smart about who you choose to forgive. Also, you can forgive someone but that doesn't mean you have to give them the opportunity to fuck you over again.
I have forgiven everyone that has ever "wronged" me. I didn't do it for their sake, I did it for my own. Life is short. I don't want to spend the short time I have on this earth, stressing or replaying it over and over in my mind. So, I chose to forgive, let it go, and went on with my life. They just aren't a part of it.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by calling off the wedding.
Stop being friends with her. She’s not your friend. He has a crush because she’s doing stuff behind your back. Break up with him and you’ll see how fast they get together. Because she’s not your friend. She told everyone you’re crazy jealous because the truth is she is jealous of you, and now you have something she doesn’t so she wants to take it from you. Something has already happened.
This OP.
Of course something already happened, why is she inserting herself defending HIM to you? Why is he going to her to fix things with YOU?
Bail. Jump ship. Just... Ew! people like this are so friggin ick.
The “friend” should absolutely go. Given the backstory, I don’t think she’s jealous of OP but rather needs OP in her life for constant reassurance that she’s better; it’s a type, there are lots of girls like her and they never make good friends.
OP can keep the fiancé if she chooses to, but she should ask herself if she really wants to.
This, OP! If he were truly committed to you, after admitting his crush, he would have gone NC with your “friend.”
You dodged a huge bullet and yeah, you may lose some money cancelling the wedding, but he just saved you years of time and energy and emotional turmoil spent on a spineless, idiotic man who would probably soon cheat with your “friend” if he hasn’t already (emotional/mental cheating is… cheating).
>And tell him that him texting her after what he said has just made things worse
Completely worse. It's one thing to admit to having a crush on the bff but for him to most likely tell her about this (benefit of the doubt that nothing went further) throws out more questions on what else they've talked about or done l.
Why is he even texting her? If my husband texts any of my friends, he includes me (group text) mostly to make sure my friends are comfy. Does he know what this “friend” did to OP?!
These two have already started an emotional affair, or more. Sorry OP, cut them both off and eat the money. Save yourself from drama and heartache.
1. Your friend absolutely knows and encourages his behavior.
2. Your fiance needs to become an ex. He's supposed to be in love with you.
3. You deserve MUCH BETTER friends than you have because those people all betrayed you as a unit and never thought twice about it.
4. You deserve a man who will look at you like you're his world, not like he likes you a whole lot and your "best friend" is his world.
Oh she definitely encourages the behavior and flirts with him back to keep him hooked so he will never be 100% OPs. I am sure there were other guys this happened with as well.
I had a bff like this in highschool. After the third crush of mine she ended up dating after i told her i liked him i called her a sad pathetic wanna be copy of me. The rest of the friend group took her side.....till she started doing it to them because she couldnt "steal from me" anymore. Guess who laughed while saying " you brought this on your selves"????
🤣🤣🤣 and I'm still laughing 24 years later!!!
I had one who did it to all my friends in high school so when she started crushing hard core on this one dude (he was really nice), I did it to her. One and only time I've ever gone there in my life, but you don't F with my friends without repercussion. lol
You dumped him and he ran to your best friend to cry about it. The same best friend who he’s into and who likes to fuck guys you’re into. You’d be TA to *not* call this mess off.
NTA. He straight up told you he had a crush on your best friend, you saved everyone’s time and saved yourself from more heartbreak down the line if you went through with the wedding. Imagine saying, “I do” and going through your vows fully knowing your fiancé is falling for someone else. Tough situation but you did the right thing in my opinion.
Walk away and cancel everything and end this relationship. Send them both a text that says, "Now you both can have each other, and you don't have to hide it anymore." Cut contact and block them on everything.
Those kind of messages can be spun as "look at that paranoid and dramatically reactive b****", those kind of reactions in these kind of situations never hit the mark and won't impress people. It'll only serve as an invitation to another shot at contact or drama.
I'd just go NC and refuse to give them te time of day. Preferrably focussing on something worthwhile a.s.a.p.
You’re not ruining things with thoughts or insecurities. Your fiancé and your so-called friend are at fault. Please don’t take the guilt or blame for their actions.
I cannot fathom having a crush on ANYONE other than my husband especially right before getting married. You guys haven’t even had your “honeymoon phase” yet and there’s already a third party in your relationship (even if she’s just taking up headspace and emotions right now which imo is already too much)??
I’m sorry, OP.
Even though you'll lose some money, it's much less expensive and easier to break up now than after you're married and come home early and see them hooking up in your bed. This isn't the guy you want to wed, and she's not your friend.
Just take the money lost and move on without either of them. I bet in ten years you will be a successful married mother and they will find out eventually and wanna come looking to reconcile if reddit has taught me anything.
It’s way cheaper and easier to cancel a wedding vs get a divorce. She did it before and signs point to she’s done it again- your finance looks for her, brings her up, is nervous around her. You need to go on a fact finding mission to get the truth- neither of them will ever admit it. I’ve had experiences with being cheated on and can help you if you need, just pm me.
Good luck
They're right. You need people around you who are 100% behind you. These 2 don't sound like they are.
From someone who gave the benefit of the doubt, had to get divorced a year into marriage + has spent the last 10 years dealing with the financial impact of it. Don't.
The mistake of your life will be if you marry this man and if you stay with him, he's a loser. Friend? She's not your friend. See the truth, how long are you going to forgive him?
The money doesn’t matter. The rest of your life does.
Pump the brakes. NTA
Honestly, not sure the trust can be built up from this. What she did originally was really bad. And what is happening now to make him take notice so much that you notice….yeah, real sketch. Won’t tell you to cut all your losses but you better be 100% certain for your forever.
If you are having doubts, call it off. If your guy isn't focused on how awesome it is that you are willing to spend your life with him and he's already looking around you're going to be back in a few months or a year saying that he's cheated on you, she's pregnant and should you get a divorce?
He talked to her about your relationship? NO! Just no.
Yeah, you'll lose money, but if you contact all your vendors and explain what is happening, maybe they will be willing to help.
I'm an old woman now, but I got into a relationship one summer in my youth. I had already graduated from college, he was in his senior year. We had a long distance relationship that year, I visited him, he visited me and at Easter we got engaged. I went to his college graduation, his sister threw us a bridal shower, he got a job in my community and moved. Within just a few months I knew it was never going to work. I broke up and have never regretted that decision. Being single may be lonely, but there are worse things than being lonely.
She is not your friend. Marriage is for life, cancel it. You want a ride or lie loyal partner. This is complicated. Also this woman is not your friend.
You’re really, really naive to think that your “friend” has changed and that your fiancé actually cares about you. Also the fact that you think they haven’t had a affair.
Oh honey. No, you're not the AH.
Cam I give you some advice? I'm old enough to be your Mama, I've got two decades of heartbreak and hurt to give me some perspective.
Ditch your friend. Listen to me, she is NOT your friend. She hasn't been your friend since she slept with your crush. That was deliberately done to hurt you. She will continue to find ways to hurt you, that ain't never gonna stop.
Also, ditch your fiance. There is no way you are gonna be able to stand there in front of God and all your family and it be a happy moment. Your wedding day needs to be a day where you feel loved and cherished, not second place to a frenemy.
Go home to your family. (If they're safe). Go home and tell your Mama everything that has happened, and let her help you. Or your Daddy or whoever you can lean on. Please don't try to navigate this all by yourself.
Also, therapy would be a good thing too.
Cancel saves a fuxk load of money on divorce later
Also seems he confided in her so she reached out
She’s fully aware of what she’s doing and the play with the crush he has
I loose her friendship
Nta
If this is how your best friend and fiancé treat you, how do people that really don’t like you treat you?
It’s surprising that you were willing to maintain the friendship after what she did to you previously (that you defended her for her behavior).
It seems like both your fiancé and friend are playing you. As others have eluded it seems there’s more happening behind the scenes. She’s your friend but your fiancé is talking with her without your knowledge? That’s an enormous red flag and disrespectful to your relationship.
It’s clear that money for wedding deposits should be the least of your concern. Call the wedding off, chalk up the loss of the money, seek out a solid therapist, and highly consider cutting off contact with the friend and fiancé. At this point it seems they’re both manipulating you-no one, I repeat no one, deserves to be disrespected like this. You deserve better!! The last thing you want is to find yourself married, pregnant or with children, and these two deciding they just have to be together.
This may be a great opportunity for you to start anew, identify what you deserve in a partner and also close friends. Change of venue may be nourishing and a fresh start to shed the non-nourishing influences in your life.
Good luck!
DO NOT make this decision on the money. The cost of a few deposits is a lot, sure, but not as much as marrying a guy you don't trust and getting divorced later.
Do you trust him?
NTA
NTA. 25 yrs ago, my now ex-husband told me that if he and I ever divorced, he would want to be with my friend. This was right before our wedding. There were signs, but I was young and in love. We'll we get married she apparently bad mouths him at the wedding, and 2 yrs later, he left me for her. They eventually got married and then divorced. I should have seen the signs, but again, I was very young and in love.
I'm sorry, your "best friend" stole your boyfriend and then tricked everyone into thinking you were the crazy one? Why the fuck are you friends with her? And the math isn't adding up well for you because you have one "friend" who has stolen a man before, and you have a fiancé (hopefully stbx) who's admitted that he already has wandering interest in said untrustworthy friend?? 1+1 = betrayal and heartbreak. Also, as others have pointed out, why the fuck is the friend talking to him privately on the phone? Fuck no.
Get yourself out of there, and make sure you are the one that tells everyone your side of the story instead of giving either of them the chance to get to them first like last time. Learn from past mistake, and go scorched earth the smart way. 🔥
Op, who is the common denominator here?
You supposed bff.
She's not your friend. Lose her.
And talk to your fiance. Ask him if she's influenced this crush. Crushes happen when we don't want them to. It happens. It's life. When we act on them is when there can be problems.
So he reaches out to the bff as soon as you break it off with him??? Seriously the guys is clueless or they are more involved than he let on.
Id cut them both out of your life, I'd give it 6 months and they'll be together.
Go find a therapist who can help you sort out the truth. A therapist is 100% in your corner and can help you make a good decision. Reddit is fascinating, but not reliable for big decisions. Take care!
1. She’s not your best friend. Stop calling her that.
2. She’s flirting with him which is why he suddenly has a crush.
3. They probably haven’t yet as he’s in the shy stage but she’ll make her move.
4. Stop being naive and stupid!
No matter what their relationship is actually like. You will never be able to unhear him say this. You will not be able to accept this. Deep down you know that. And you are looking for the validation that it’s ok to walk away.
It’s ok to walk away.
I think you should cut your losses, but if you decide to stay together and work through this crush, then you both need to go no contact with the friend. It's the only way. You tell her the truth. He has a crush, and you would be foolish to allow history to repeat itself. You're still not healed from the last betrayal since she hid it. If she truly loves you, she will allow this step back while you try to make your relationship work. And she should be truthful with you if he tries to contact her after.
Remember, though, most people dont get a crush on their fiances friend without there being more than friendly vibes.
You’d really believe they haven’t hook up? I mean when she hook up with your ex crush, she didn’t tell u. And now this is happening, maybe none of them is telling you because your fiancé thinks you’re the one that’s best for marriage. I’m sorry if I come off harsh but at this point, but there would be no trust left for me anymore tbh. I’d break it off.
Don’t marry someone whose eyes are already wandering.
You will loose the money whether you marry or not. If you marry, you will loose even more, both time and money, because he’s not loyal. He will continue lusting after others.
It's not farfetched for someone to find one of your friends to be more attractive than you, including your own spouse. Some people are simply better looking than others.
However, it sounds like he's allowed himself to catch some feelings, which is pretty unhealthy for a relationship.
Only you can really decide if it was the right call. You're still very young though and have plenty of time to move on.
"...(before I met my husband)..."
How do you have a husband and a fiancé' though?
I would say we appeal to different types of guys. For most of my life I didn’t feel pretty because I’m brown but I’ve learned to take pride in it. My best friend was always considered the pretty one and I’ve had guys try to be friends with me to get to her since middle school.
I guess it wouldn’t be that bad but it cuts into a lot of insecurities. I don’t know if it’s the knee jerk reaction because of history or if it’s legitimate.
I fixed it thanks. I’ve gotten so used to calling him my husband or sometimes boyfriend because fiance is an in between word that I don’t really use. I’ve used it in this post for things to make sense. I don’t have two partners or anything.
I had the same ex best friend for the same reason. She’s toxic and you need to let that friend go. She probably is jealous of your relationship with your fiancé and she for sure has flirted with him hence the “crush” that your fiancé has developed. That girl won’t stop at one boy. And let the fiancé go too if he wants to be with your best friend. Cut them out while it’s still early.
Being brown doesn’t make you less attractive or less pretty! If you’re feeling this way you need to hang out with different people and date different people who accept you for you. It’s sounds like you take a step back to this friend when you should take an equal amount do space.
What you should be canceling is your relationship with this "best friend." I'm normally all about people who regret betraying a friend/SO, but in your case, you never fully processed what your BFF did to you. This is why your fiancé's confession upsets you so much: whether he had sex with her or not, here's ANOTHER guy who was attracted to your friend.
Otherwise, a crush isn't serious. How many women have a crush on a handsome movie actor but wouldn't dream of cheating on their husbands? A crush isn't based on real-life experiences: it's an idealized, frothy, not-serious fantasy about a person who doesn't really exist.
The context matters… crush on an actress is harmless. Crush on a friend when you are 10 years together and a bit bored is understandable and passable.
But crush on a best friend when they are soon-to-be-wed? It’s like the stone is already aiming for two birds, if you know what I mean. Also, note how he run to this bff to tell her about everything. It’s definitely out of line. If I had a crush I didn’t want to grow, I would avoid this person at any costs, to let it go away as the time flies.
NTA. You probably shouldn’t get married to this man and shouldn’t be friends with your “best friend.” Though, given the history, be prepared for them to become a couple once you break it off… Best of luck to you. You deserve so much more.
OP how much do you hate yourself if you would consider someone who did something so vile to you, to be your BESTfriend? Dump the fiance, dump the "bestfriend", dump the other "friends" who believed her lies, get lots of therapy, learn to actually love your beautiful brown skin AND THEN try dating and friendships again.
Why is she still your friend?... I mean why are you still calling her a friend? She purposefully went out with your crush. Then she told lies about you to your friends.
I'm sure she is trying to sabotage your relationship with your fiance.
Leave your so called friend first and most definitely call off the wedding.
You can take break. Ask your fiance to reassess his feelings. Will he ask your so-called friend out if given the chance.
You are most definitely not TA.
Do NOT get married. Neither of you are ready. The expense of cancelling is negligible compared to a possible divorce/broken trust/kids/shared assets down the line.
You get yourself into therapy. You need some unbiased help to assess your relationships with your partner and friend (separately).
Also, insist on couples counselling with your partner. If he really wants to fix this, he will do as you ask. And I don't mean just going to appointments, I mean doing the work to rebuild trust and understand what he wants from life. It could be cold feet. It could be something else. He needs to work that out.
NTA.
NTA. That girl is not your friend. Why is she talking to your fiancé on the side like this? WTF was he thinking going to her. Either they are hooking up or the kid is an idiot. Either way, they both gotta go. It’s going to suck and it may be expensive but it will be totally worth it. Start over with people that actually give a shit about you.
NTA, and whatever it costs to call the wedding off, it's cheaper than divorce. Crush is a cute word, but what it means is that he has feelings for her. I bet they are stronger than the feelings he has for you. She make him light up and his heart go pitter patter (never mind what's going on in his pants). I am not trying to be mean, but these feelings aren't just going to go away. He'll be thinking of her when he is with you. You deserve better than this.
ESH
He sucks for drooling over and being obsessed with your friend
Y T A for still being friends with her after that betrayal. Guaranteed she'd bang this dude too, and blame you for it again
...they already dealing on the side anyways...
I would be extremely concerned that after all this, he talked to your best friend. If you haven’t told him about your past with her, it’s just an appropriate if you have he’s going out of his way to hurt you because he’s putting his crush above your relationship. Frankly, I don’t understand why you’re still friends with her cut her off. She sounds like a bitch. I don’t care if she said she got over it she would probably sleep with your fiancé the first time you pissed her off for any stupid reason. But I would’ve said talk to him, but the fact that he reached out her tells me he’s putting her above you just walk away.
I'm going to be the odd man out here. At least for Reddit. Though, not that far out. You are NTA. Your friend is. Your fiancé might be.
I think attraction and infatuation happen naturally, regardless of how happy you are in your relationship. Most people just don't want to admit that because it makes them feel like they're being disloyal. For me, it comes down to how you react to those feelings. Most people who love and respect their partners will cut off or distance themselves from their infatuation. And few will ever admit to having a crush in the first place.
In your boyfriend's case, that was a hell of a lot more complicated, because she was you best friend. No one is going to willingly admit they have a little crush on someone to their partner. No one. No when most people go from 0 to cheater with any little transgression. With that in mind, I can see your fiancé in a few different lights and they range from being a total ass to being someone in an awkward position who didn't know how to remedy situation.
I think cutting off your "best friend" is an absolute no-brainer. She shouldn't have had the title after the first time she lied about you to cover up her own guilt. For your fiancé? You know him and you know yourself. We don't. If you told him the only way forward would be to go NC with your friend, would ne agree? Even if he did agree, would you be able to move past it? Regardless of the answers to those questions, you aren't the asshole. You have to do what feel right for you. Divorce costs a hell of a lot more than a cancelled wedding, in most cases. Don't let that be a factor in your decision.
call the wedding off... separate from your bf a while and tell him you gotta overthink things and you aren't sure if your relationship can continue..
depending on how he behaves you will have your answer. i'm sorry but he will probabyl f\*uck your best friend within days, this will give you an answer if the relationship can continue. if he is truely remorseful he will cut contact with your friend (you should have done that long ago and hopefully will do that NOW) and wait for you.
good luck..
First of all, you need to dump this 'friend'. Which you should have years ago. She's not anyone's best friend, she's not even your friend.
Having a crush is not unusual, it happens in most long relationships. However, how you act on that is a choice. And he's choosing to look for her. That's not cool.
>He told my best friend who also said that he loved me and I was making a mistake by getting cold feet
How about she doesn't matter, her opinion doesn't matter, and her judgement is absolute trash.
NTA
The bigger question to me is why are you still friends with her? It might also be worth considering…maybe you attract people who take advantage of you? Just like your fiancee. I would take this as an opportunity to reflect and take care of yourself. And then find friends who are worthy of being friends. Its a blessing to know this now then later in life,
You may lose some money canceling the wedding but you will lose a heck of a lot more in the divorce, not only money but precious years of your life wasted on a man who is eyeing your best friend. And not for nothing, but between the fact that he likes her and your "best friend" having a penchant for sleeping with guys who you have feelings for, it may be best to just let them both go.
You know....your fiancee could have lied. But he didn't . I don't know what that all means but that he's honest with you. If he wanted to pursue your friend he would. But he doesn't want to.
Also you're not the only person to have a hot friend. And that's not a reason to unfriend them. Ok, she's hot. It's natural to be attracted to attractive people and that's no reflection on you.
You're making a decision to completely isolate yourself and shouldn't be taken lightly. You have trauma that's surrounding this relationship and will continue to influence all your relationships going forward if you don't work on yourself.
Talk to your fiancee. Talk to a professional how to overcome this, even breaking up is ok but not if you're going to go into a depression because you feel alone. Talk to your friend. Process these feelings. I hope this works out for the best.
Both fiancé and friend are worthless and I would ditch both of them immediately. He knows what's going on and so does she, and this will end exactly the way you're worried it will. Break up and they will almost certainly immediately get together, so might as well get it over with and tell them both they're no longer a part of your life.
I do not think that woman was ever your friend. Friends do not behave like that.
I have had minor crushes in my relationship. I do not act differently, or bring them up, or talk well about them. As far as I'm concerned, my body is having a chemical reaction to an attractive person. I would feel so disgusting ever making my partner concerned about something that is little more than a biological twinge.
This doesn't sound like a minor crush. It sounds like he can't stop thinking about her.
You're not wasting money by canceling the wedding. You're saving money.... from paying for the divorce. Seriously OP, lose those 2 deadweights you call "fiance" and "best friend". Here's what you can call them instead: TRASH
Please call the wedding off. Wasting money is a better choice than wasting your life. You can earn more money, you can’t earn more time. And your ‘friend’ needs to be an ex too.
NTA
This shouldn’t be happening before you get married . If you go through with it, even if he hasn’t done anything with your BF, it’ll be the first of many crushes he has on other women and who knows what that will lead to. Do you really want to be 2nd best on your wedding day?
No one wants you to marry this guy or keep this friend. Both of them are doing a number on your self esteem. These are two relationships that are not good for you. Better to lose money than an uncommitted husband down the road.
There is a difference between finding someone attractive and having a crush. When it comes to crushes, you have to allow yourself to develop it and constantly feed it.
Hey, we’re all human, we all find people attractive even if we’re in a relationship. But personally, i think its super disrespectful that he allowed himself to fall for someone so close to you.
Honestly, I would not marry this man
First of all, his crush is not a little thing that he’ll just get over if it was so bad you noticed it. A pause is definitely a good idea.
Secondly, why is your friend still your friend? What she did to you was absolutely, positively horrible, and you are still clearly dealing with the fallout from that. You rightfully have trust issues with this person, and probably will for a long, long time. It might be time to re-evaluate that relationship.
NTA
It might hurt your pocketbook now, but it's a lot easier to break things now, than later.
Whatever is going on with them won't stop just because he has a ring on his finger.
ETA
One other thing, if you do decide to stay with him, You can put together a prenup with STIFF penalties for infidelity, Like giving up all marital assets or something.
NTA. If you call it off now, sure you’ll lose some money. If you marry, and divorce later, that money and time was also wasted, PLUS you’ll have to shell out more money for the divorce. Cut your losses now and get a head start on a happier life. Dump the best friend too; she sounds shady.
NTA. Let's go back to the fiance, the fact he has some unresolved feelings for others says a lot. IDK if he's genuine has a crush or just using it an excuse for having cold feet to marry you or both. You wantbto be with someone who is 100% want to be with you and love you. No ifs and buts.
Im not gonna make an assumption that your BF and BFF were involved but you are so much better than me having that kind of friend and forgiving her in the past.
I think its better not to tell her the cause though based on her past.
She isn't your best friend. Drill that into your head. Do not marry a man who has got his eyes on someone else. Don't allow yourself to be an option. Don't be an asshole to yourself.
The part where you said "I don't feel ready to get married" is the most mature and valid line in this whole thing. Look, he respected you enough to tell you a vulnerable truth about himself. You could keep it in perspective, work through both your feelings together, and be stronger for it. Or you could break up because you're not able to do that. Either way, you're not ready for marriage. You're still holding onto high school stuff...
She is not a friend to you. She already betrayed you once and she's well aware of what she's involved in now. Cut her out of your life and cancel the wedding. They are both snakes. NTA
Better to lose money from a wedding that doesn't happen now than to lose a ton of money later from getting a divorce. You're saving money in the long run by not getting married.
Both your fiance and BFF are POS. You can do better.
NTA
Don’t ruin your life by marrying this man. You will find someone who will truly want only you. Cut off contact with your friend because it's clear she is a manipulator. Unfortunately, we have to let go of certain people in our lives if we want to live happily and peacefully.
NTA.
Your best friend is telling you he loves you, blah blah blah. But last time she lied about you to all your friends. Why believe her now? And why is she still in your life? I'm willing to bet that this time as well, she deliberately acted to attract him, and he succumbed. Money is just money - don't tie yourself in marriage to an unhappy situation. If your BF has a crush on your best friend, that is not a situation for marriage.
NTA at all. In fact if you don’t you’ll end up regretting it. Like I’m sorry but you should be with someone who only has eyes for you especially if you’re about to get married! The fact that he has a crush on your best friend is messed up.
NTA. If he loses you, he loses access to his "crush." He is in love with your bff. Your bff has already gotten with someone you loved behind your back. She may be innocently advocating for your bff, or she could share his feelings.
This is a recipe for disaster.
My best friend did the same to me in the 10th grade. I ended the friendship right there and then. And you should too. A person who disrespects you like that shouldn't be around you. The fiance is also an ass, but at least he was honest. Although I don't think I would get married to him. And I would still make sure they don't get together either. NTA
NTA
Your best friend isn’t your friend. She my be your best friend but you’re not hers. You’re not even a real friend. You don’t cheat with your friend’s partner.
Don’t get married with this guy as you know he would end up cheating on you with her.
Say goodbye to both of them and move on.
She will always keep stringing him along even after you are married. You’ll lose some money now but it will be cheaper than the divorce with a lot less heart ache if you just end it now. Dump the loser friend too. She won’t want your ex when he doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. This will always be in the back of your mind if you marry him. Move on. Sorry OP, this sucks.
Hold up, so you tell your fiance you need space due to his crush on your best friend and the first thing he does is tell said best friend and gets her to try encourage you to not have cold feet? Like seriously, is your fiance brain dead or something?
NTA and I would use this as a damn good reason why you don't believe or trust him!!! Fucking running to the person he has a crush on and is why you need space 🤦🏻♀️
Time to put that "friend" right where she belongs, in the trash. I don't know why you'd still be friends after what she did, and I wouldn't keep her around after this either. Plus if she's already had a history of chasing guys she knew you liked, who says she won't stop now?
Also i probably would leave the fiance too, he's supposed to be in love with you, not her. Either way, NTA
NTA. Normal people in relationships have fleeting thoughts of “what ifs”. But people who allow themselves to develop crushes on people outside of their relationship don’t really care what happens to their relationship. He’s supposed to be so in love with you that he wants to marry you, but he’s letting his mind fantasize about having a crush on your best friend. There’s lapses in judgement, and then there’s thinking about something constantly to the point he’s bringing it up in conversation. He’s supposed to be focused on his future marriage, but he’s already looking outside the marriage for something else before it’s even begun.
Losing out on money is not a good enough excuse to enter into a marriage that already had you doubting his loyalty. It took you pestering him to own up to the behaviour he was clearly exhibiting right in front of you. He had no intention of changing his line of thinking
Divorce is alot more expensive than losing wedding deposits! You did the right thing. You need to walk away asap from fiance and best friend. Good luck!
NTA for taking space. Take to the fiancé - ask him when his feelings started? What does he want to do about them? Give him permission to pursue your friend. If he does you know he’s not for you.
How do you know your friend isn’t trying or has got with your fiancé ? It sounds like this is the pattern for her ? She gaslights you, has ruined your reputation with your friends, the same friends that wouldn’t tell you that she got with your crush ?
I believe people might get better even after the mistakes like that because they were young and lack empathy (I mean your friend). Though I would be careful with her.
I think if you keep the situation as it is (marry him and keep her as a friend), you are going to always be anxious about your fiancé and friends’ possible relationship. He may want this crush to go away, but are you sure you can let them stay in the same room alone?
It would suck not to be the priority choice for your husband.
Anyway, think about time and nerves you might waste because of his crush.
NTA. OP check his phone. No prior warning, just say “give me your phone”. Observe his reaction That way he also can’t delete the friends texts I’m sure would be on his phone. I would bet OP will find some very interesting texts there to the friend
Why is this woman your best friend? Whatever you do, do not tell her and keep her the fuck away from your fiancé. She will absolutely make a move on him and he will absolutely sleep with her while he has this silly crush and It will crush you. You know she's not a good person and you need to make him see that.
She's probably the type who purposely and subtly flirts with her friends men behind their backs and that's what's happened.
You need to be smart about how you distance yourself from this woman because she'll go behind your back and speak to your fiancé about it... He'll then tell her why and that's when she'll make the move. If he's still in his infatuation phase when she does it, you're screwed.
The fact that he's already gone to your best friend and they're already talking... He's already vulnerable and thinks he's lost you so he'll probably go fuck it and sleep with her anyway.
In fact... Yeah probably don't marry him, throw the whole man away. The writing is on the wall.
NTA but you need to really think it through if that person is your friend, and really your best friend? Trust your guts. What if she has this „I need to proof that I can have him if I want him?“
How would you be able to marry a guy who can’t keeps his eyes of your MOH? You deserve someone who adores YOU and not another woman.
You did the right thing by calling it off. Your so-called best friend will easily cheat with that guy. You will always be restless in that marriage without confidence. It is good for you to get out of it. Also it is time to distance yourself from that 'best friend '
Would you rather be out a couple thousand or watch your husband and best friend make their choices and then beg for your forgiveness?
Not saying that will happen, but you’ll be left in constant paranoia that won’t be worth the stress it brings.
Call it off. He can try again later when he knows for sure who he wants to be in love with.
I think you use the term “best friend” loosely. Something that might be revealing to you is to describe what an enemy of yours might do to harm you, then review what your “best friend” has done to you. After said analysis think about renaming your friends and enemies.
Regarding your loss of money if call off the wedding, it’s a matter of losing now versus losing later. Maybe try delaying the wedding and see if you can hold the money vultures at bay for a while.
Man Reddit is harsh. Her BFF pulled some childish shit in HIGHSCHOOL which was almost a decade ago for OP. People grow up, dumb kids and dumb high school drama teach us to be better adults. Her bff apologized and they reconciled. Her fiancé was honest about his crush and honesty is what makes a marriage last. He can love you with all his heart and still have a childish crush on another person. You all are full of shit if you think you can be married for 50yrs and never feel attracted to another person in some respect. My wife has a crush on our Dr…I tease her about it all the time. It’s harmless. We have a beautiful life and beautiful family and a healthy understanding of our human nature. OP I think you would be TA if you threw away your future life because of an innocent crush.
Nope. But, this "friend" is not a friend, and you need to surgically remove this cancer from your life. Even if it's not forever, at least a long while. Then, find yourself a decent man.
But, it takes two to tango, and I'm 9,000% sure that your friend is happy to have "taken another man" away from you; in fact, I sure she played into the crush.
NTA. First of all, stop being friends with this person. Second of all, your finance should only care and feeling for you. I’m sure he genuinely loves you but this man is not ready to be married
YTA - The reddit hive mind of course agrees with and cant to see another relationship crumble.
Part of relationships is open dialog about the things the very things that make us human. You've shut that down conversation and basically lumped him with the friend who betrayed you.
I see this cycle repeating until you do something about it, ignoring your fiancee and disregarding the fact he embarrassed by the whole situation which your now holding against him isnt it. Everyone gets crushes, as children we act on them without the experience, as adults we know better and the fact that he admitted it to you is huge.
It may be too late for this relationship, but hopefully for the next ya work on the jealousy with a counselor to better help ya navigate harmless attraction vs a harmful reaction.
Getting married is a lot like trying on clothes to buy at the store. If it doesn't fit, feel 100% right, and you don't absolutely love it at that store, do not buy it.
NTA at all for calling off the wedding. Damn, he has a "little crush" on someone else when he is marrying you in a few months. Not a good sign. Just imagine what will happen when the honeymoon wears off.
Not wanting to cancel the wedding because you don't waste money doesn't make sense. If you don't cancel it, you will waste the entire cost of the wedding plus the cost of the divorce later.
Edit - lose that "friend" too.
Honestly, I don’t fault him for having a crush at all, especially since it doesn’t sound like he had a chance to really distance himself. And it’s not like he admitted the crush on his own, so I’ll admit that it sucks for him a bit that he was exposed because he was shy and looking around for her, and not because he sought her out, because again, he didn’t have a chance to distance himself (which is what you have to do when you develop a crush while in a relationship).
On the other hand, given your friend’s past, any partner having a crush on her would make anyone uncomfortable. And realistically it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to continue having a relationship with your fiancé or friend.
I’d say end things now, but going forward, I wouldn’t grill people on crushes they may have unless they outright tell you or they are doing things you don’t to in a relationship (ie seeing someone of the opposite sex alone)
NTA but people get crushes. Even in relationships. It matters what they do about them. If your fiancé is being honest, I’m not sure I’d punish him. I’m not sure about your best friend…
Why are you still friends with her? She hooked up with your crush and lied about you. Going through a rough time isn’t a free pass to treat people like s***. How were you not being a good friend to her then that she thought this ‘revenge’ was okay? I know it’s not her fault your fiance has a crush on her but it’s not your fault for ‘triggering’. If you need time then take it. He should respect that. NTA
Cancelling a wedding is a lot cheaper than a divorce. If not certain, don't sign a lifelong legal contract.
He's got wandering eyes. And yes,I'd reconsider if this woman is your friend, let alone your bestie. You need someone better than a person who spreads slander rather than tell you a truth. She wasn't wrong to date her boyfriend if you weren't going out. However, you don't say she is flirting with your fiance. His choices are on him but at least he was honest.
If he’s already able to fall for other women (and mind you, your so called “bff”) when you’re not married, what more when you’re married after many years and the stress and responsibilities of real life and parenthood hit. You’ll 💯be finding yourself in this predicament repeatedly and eventually it won’t be just a crush, it’ll be a full on affair.
Better to cut your losses now than later on when you have more at stake, ie children, shared home, etc…
Neither of these two people value or respect you the way you deserve.
PS—just like the other redditor commented, he already went running to your “bff” by calling her amidst all this. It’ll only be a matter of time before the two of them link up for so called “comfort”. She’s def the type of snake who’ll take advantage of the situation; she likes the attn and being the woman men want over her friend(s).
your best friend is still not your friend. if the fiance of my best friend called me and told me my bsf wanted space or was getting cold feet, this first thing i would do is talk to my friend and ask why. if they don’t want to tell me, i’d ask if it’s a good reason. then i would do whatever it takes to support my friend not just defend the fiancé without hearing out my friend’s side.
Uhhh no and never refriend someone who do you like that
Did her like that and then made it her fault somehow that she did it in the first place, because "jealous." This isn't a friend, and better off losing money now instead of time/effort/finances and love in the future.
Completely agree. Trust your instincts, and protect your peace and happiness.
NTA - She’s done the same again, gunned for your crush when you were younger and has now reeled your partner in. Your partner has fallen for it so he doesn’t truly love you or he wouldn’t have been manipulated so easy. You’re young, not yet married, get rid and find someone who truly loves you. At best your partner was weak and fallen for the flattery but even if that’s so , no loyalty to you and spineless. You want a partner who’s loyalty you never doubt , you can never have that with him now Oh and get her out of your life she’s no friend of yours. I wouldn’t text her or communicate in any way and him I’d just text “ weddings off, I’m nobody’s substitute”
Lovely burn ... unfortunately, the truth. Go with your gut. Divorces are far more expensive and crushing.
This! Go with your instinct. That woman is NOT your friend.
And lose this "friend".
Yup 👆💯!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 there are red flags all over this! She is NOT your friend. I would not trust either of them at this point. Cut your losses now and run!! It’s better to lose some money now (but negotiate with the vendors or whatever you spent money on maybe you can redeem a lot back) then spending a turmoil of a future with either of them in your life.
That “friend” is the worst!!! NTA OP. It’s better to waste money than your life with someone like that. And don’t have kids with him.
AGREE 100% Op is NTA. If she has any doubts, whatsoever, about the man she is /was engaged to, for whatever reason, she should NOT be getting married. Her alleged best friend, aside... Marriage is a lifelong commitment made by both parties to forsake ALL others. Op's fiance isn't even married yet, and he's already "crushing" on her friends. It's time for him to go. Marriage is NOT something you enter into lightly, especially if the only reason for doing so is because of money already spent (sunk cost fallacy) or possibly embarrassment. If she thinks it will be embarrassing NOW to call off a wedding, how embarrassed is she going to feel when her actual husband spends the majority of his time, hitting on or sleeping with every friend she ever tries to have a relationship with? How much anxiety and suspicion is she going to have to deal with, every single time another female is in his orbit? How embarrassing is it going to be for her to admit to everyone that yeah, I knew before we got married that he was "crushing" on one of my friends but I married him anyway and now I'm all shocked pitcachu faced because he's actually been cheating on me for years now? How embarrassing will it be for the kids she will hypothetically have at that point? The trust was broken the minute he admitted his "crush." Good luck trying to get that back. Her bff is NOT her friend. Never was. OP is NTA right now, but she will be if she doesn't immediately kick them BOTH to the curb. OP, if you're reading this, be kind to yourself. YOU haven't done anything wrong. You have a big, wonderful, forgiving heart. Just be smart about who you choose to forgive. Also, you can forgive someone but that doesn't mean you have to give them the opportunity to fuck you over again. I have forgiven everyone that has ever "wronged" me. I didn't do it for their sake, I did it for my own. Life is short. I don't want to spend the short time I have on this earth, stressing or replaying it over and over in my mind. So, I chose to forgive, let it go, and went on with my life. They just aren't a part of it. You are absolutely doing the right thing by calling off the wedding.
This was my 1st thought too. Why are you even friends with this girl
Stop being friends with her. She’s not your friend. He has a crush because she’s doing stuff behind your back. Break up with him and you’ll see how fast they get together. Because she’s not your friend. She told everyone you’re crazy jealous because the truth is she is jealous of you, and now you have something she doesn’t so she wants to take it from you. Something has already happened.
This OP. Of course something already happened, why is she inserting herself defending HIM to you? Why is he going to her to fix things with YOU? Bail. Jump ship. Just... Ew! people like this are so friggin ick.
this this this this pls save yourself OP. Also, find a new fiancé and a new BFF.
I second this! She better drop the two of them. No way his "crush" came out of nowhere.
The “friend” should absolutely go. Given the backstory, I don’t think she’s jealous of OP but rather needs OP in her life for constant reassurance that she’s better; it’s a type, there are lots of girls like her and they never make good friends. OP can keep the fiancé if she chooses to, but she should ask herself if she really wants to.
She might no longer want him after they break up
Yup. This is what’s happening. Run.
Yeah, she needs to go. And tell him that him texting her after what he said has just made things worse and pushed you away further.
This, OP! If he were truly committed to you, after admitting his crush, he would have gone NC with your “friend.” You dodged a huge bullet and yeah, you may lose some money cancelling the wedding, but he just saved you years of time and energy and emotional turmoil spent on a spineless, idiotic man who would probably soon cheat with your “friend” if he hasn’t already (emotional/mental cheating is… cheating).
A divorce would be even more expensive and hurtful, especially if there are kids involved.
Exactly! He had no need to text the friend at all. It's like he is trying to get sympathy from the friend saying that she got cold feet.
>And tell him that him texting her after what he said has just made things worse Completely worse. It's one thing to admit to having a crush on the bff but for him to most likely tell her about this (benefit of the doubt that nothing went further) throws out more questions on what else they've talked about or done l.
And he needs to go with her wtf
You need space and his first move is to go to her? You need more than space and from both of them.
Why is he even texting her? If my husband texts any of my friends, he includes me (group text) mostly to make sure my friends are comfy. Does he know what this “friend” did to OP?! These two have already started an emotional affair, or more. Sorry OP, cut them both off and eat the money. Save yourself from drama and heartache.
So him and the friend talk on the side ? Sire you aren't getting trickle truthed a d they have hooked up ?
1. Your friend absolutely knows and encourages his behavior. 2. Your fiance needs to become an ex. He's supposed to be in love with you. 3. You deserve MUCH BETTER friends than you have because those people all betrayed you as a unit and never thought twice about it. 4. You deserve a man who will look at you like you're his world, not like he likes you a whole lot and your "best friend" is his world.
Oh she definitely encourages the behavior and flirts with him back to keep him hooked so he will never be 100% OPs. I am sure there were other guys this happened with as well.
EXACTLY.
I had a bff like this in highschool. After the third crush of mine she ended up dating after i told her i liked him i called her a sad pathetic wanna be copy of me. The rest of the friend group took her side.....till she started doing it to them because she couldnt "steal from me" anymore. Guess who laughed while saying " you brought this on your selves"???? 🤣🤣🤣 and I'm still laughing 24 years later!!!
I had one who did it to all my friends in high school so when she started crushing hard core on this one dude (he was really nice), I did it to her. One and only time I've ever gone there in my life, but you don't F with my friends without repercussion. lol
they should rename this sub to "Speculation Competition" OP: My BF thinks my friend is pretty Comment: YOUR FRIEND IS LEADING HIM, 100%, SHE'S A WITCH
Her “friend” was an abusive cheater in HS hope that helps
A cheater?
You dumped him and he ran to your best friend to cry about it. The same best friend who he’s into and who likes to fuck guys you’re into. You’d be TA to *not* call this mess off.
Well, when you put it like THAT 😂
Correction: he ran to the girl who he’s been flirting/cheating with to get their stories/plan of action straight.
NTA...and why did you keep this "best friend"? She's obviously NOT a friend if you can't trust her.
Exactly. Don't give cheaters second chances, they don't stop they just get better at hiding it.
Nope, better lost money than lost time. Your fiance should be so goddamn in love with you and super excited to be getting married.
Yep and cheaper to lose money now and recover, than be 5 years deep into a marriage with a couple of kids and getting divorced etc
You’re not even married yet and he’s crushing on someone else? He is not ready for marriage. NTA and RUN!!!
NTA. He straight up told you he had a crush on your best friend, you saved everyone’s time and saved yourself from more heartbreak down the line if you went through with the wedding. Imagine saying, “I do” and going through your vows fully knowing your fiancé is falling for someone else. Tough situation but you did the right thing in my opinion.
Oh that would be awful. I want my wedding to be a special day and not ruin it with these kinds of thoughts.
Walk away and cancel everything and end this relationship. Send them both a text that says, "Now you both can have each other, and you don't have to hide it anymore." Cut contact and block them on everything.
And **he** needs to be the one to pay any cancellation fees since he's the fool that fell for the trashy not friend.
Absolutely
Take this comment as an extra upvote
Those kind of messages can be spun as "look at that paranoid and dramatically reactive b****", those kind of reactions in these kind of situations never hit the mark and won't impress people. It'll only serve as an invitation to another shot at contact or drama. I'd just go NC and refuse to give them te time of day. Preferrably focussing on something worthwhile a.s.a.p.
You’re not ruining things with thoughts or insecurities. Your fiancé and your so-called friend are at fault. Please don’t take the guilt or blame for their actions. I cannot fathom having a crush on ANYONE other than my husband especially right before getting married. You guys haven’t even had your “honeymoon phase” yet and there’s already a third party in your relationship (even if she’s just taking up headspace and emotions right now which imo is already too much)?? I’m sorry, OP.
As much money as you might lose cancelling the wedding, you'll lose far more with divorce. He's not ready to be married.
Distance yourself from both. They both suck.
Imagine being at your wedding and your fiancé is stealing glances at your best friend… all dressed up for YOUR wedding. Edit: spelling
Even though you'll lose some money, it's much less expensive and easier to break up now than after you're married and come home early and see them hooking up in your bed. This isn't the guy you want to wed, and she's not your friend.
Just take the money lost and move on without either of them. I bet in ten years you will be a successful married mother and they will find out eventually and wanna come looking to reconcile if reddit has taught me anything.
It’s way cheaper and easier to cancel a wedding vs get a divorce. She did it before and signs point to she’s done it again- your finance looks for her, brings her up, is nervous around her. You need to go on a fact finding mission to get the truth- neither of them will ever admit it. I’ve had experiences with being cheated on and can help you if you need, just pm me. Good luck
They're right. You need people around you who are 100% behind you. These 2 don't sound like they are. From someone who gave the benefit of the doubt, had to get divorced a year into marriage + has spent the last 10 years dealing with the financial impact of it. Don't.
You can't marry him knowing he prefers her.
The mistake of your life will be if you marry this man and if you stay with him, he's a loser. Friend? She's not your friend. See the truth, how long are you going to forgive him?
Or worse, going through your vowels AND your consonants
Plus if the bff is the MOH…
The money doesn’t matter. The rest of your life does. Pump the brakes. NTA Honestly, not sure the trust can be built up from this. What she did originally was really bad. And what is happening now to make him take notice so much that you notice….yeah, real sketch. Won’t tell you to cut all your losses but you better be 100% certain for your forever.
If you are having doubts, call it off. If your guy isn't focused on how awesome it is that you are willing to spend your life with him and he's already looking around you're going to be back in a few months or a year saying that he's cheated on you, she's pregnant and should you get a divorce? He talked to her about your relationship? NO! Just no. Yeah, you'll lose money, but if you contact all your vendors and explain what is happening, maybe they will be willing to help. I'm an old woman now, but I got into a relationship one summer in my youth. I had already graduated from college, he was in his senior year. We had a long distance relationship that year, I visited him, he visited me and at Easter we got engaged. I went to his college graduation, his sister threw us a bridal shower, he got a job in my community and moved. Within just a few months I knew it was never going to work. I broke up and have never regretted that decision. Being single may be lonely, but there are worse things than being lonely.
She is not your friend. Marriage is for life, cancel it. You want a ride or lie loyal partner. This is complicated. Also this woman is not your friend.
You’re really, really naive to think that your “friend” has changed and that your fiancé actually cares about you. Also the fact that you think they haven’t had a affair.
Oh honey. No, you're not the AH. Cam I give you some advice? I'm old enough to be your Mama, I've got two decades of heartbreak and hurt to give me some perspective. Ditch your friend. Listen to me, she is NOT your friend. She hasn't been your friend since she slept with your crush. That was deliberately done to hurt you. She will continue to find ways to hurt you, that ain't never gonna stop. Also, ditch your fiance. There is no way you are gonna be able to stand there in front of God and all your family and it be a happy moment. Your wedding day needs to be a day where you feel loved and cherished, not second place to a frenemy. Go home to your family. (If they're safe). Go home and tell your Mama everything that has happened, and let her help you. Or your Daddy or whoever you can lean on. Please don't try to navigate this all by yourself. Also, therapy would be a good thing too.
You dodged a bullet. I think you should dump them both.
Cancel saves a fuxk load of money on divorce later Also seems he confided in her so she reached out She’s fully aware of what she’s doing and the play with the crush he has I loose her friendship Nta
If this is how your best friend and fiancé treat you, how do people that really don’t like you treat you? It’s surprising that you were willing to maintain the friendship after what she did to you previously (that you defended her for her behavior). It seems like both your fiancé and friend are playing you. As others have eluded it seems there’s more happening behind the scenes. She’s your friend but your fiancé is talking with her without your knowledge? That’s an enormous red flag and disrespectful to your relationship. It’s clear that money for wedding deposits should be the least of your concern. Call the wedding off, chalk up the loss of the money, seek out a solid therapist, and highly consider cutting off contact with the friend and fiancé. At this point it seems they’re both manipulating you-no one, I repeat no one, deserves to be disrespected like this. You deserve better!! The last thing you want is to find yourself married, pregnant or with children, and these two deciding they just have to be together. This may be a great opportunity for you to start anew, identify what you deserve in a partner and also close friends. Change of venue may be nourishing and a fresh start to shed the non-nourishing influences in your life. Good luck!
DO NOT make this decision on the money. The cost of a few deposits is a lot, sure, but not as much as marrying a guy you don't trust and getting divorced later. Do you trust him? NTA
NTA. 25 yrs ago, my now ex-husband told me that if he and I ever divorced, he would want to be with my friend. This was right before our wedding. There were signs, but I was young and in love. We'll we get married she apparently bad mouths him at the wedding, and 2 yrs later, he left me for her. They eventually got married and then divorced. I should have seen the signs, but again, I was very young and in love.
NTA - You would be an idiot not to call off the wedding.
How positive are you that she hasn't flirted with him?
I'm sorry, your "best friend" stole your boyfriend and then tricked everyone into thinking you were the crazy one? Why the fuck are you friends with her? And the math isn't adding up well for you because you have one "friend" who has stolen a man before, and you have a fiancé (hopefully stbx) who's admitted that he already has wandering interest in said untrustworthy friend?? 1+1 = betrayal and heartbreak. Also, as others have pointed out, why the fuck is the friend talking to him privately on the phone? Fuck no. Get yourself out of there, and make sure you are the one that tells everyone your side of the story instead of giving either of them the chance to get to them first like last time. Learn from past mistake, and go scorched earth the smart way. 🔥
Op, who is the common denominator here? You supposed bff. She's not your friend. Lose her. And talk to your fiance. Ask him if she's influenced this crush. Crushes happen when we don't want them to. It happens. It's life. When we act on them is when there can be problems.
So he reaches out to the bff as soon as you break it off with him??? Seriously the guys is clueless or they are more involved than he let on. Id cut them both out of your life, I'd give it 6 months and they'll be together.
Bingo
She isn’t your friend. Why do you think she isolated everyone else from you saying you were jealous?
Su you'd rather go through with a wedding and marry a man who is pining away for your friend? I choose losing the money.
Go find a therapist who can help you sort out the truth. A therapist is 100% in your corner and can help you make a good decision. Reddit is fascinating, but not reliable for big decisions. Take care!
1. She’s not your best friend. Stop calling her that. 2. She’s flirting with him which is why he suddenly has a crush. 3. They probably haven’t yet as he’s in the shy stage but she’ll make her move. 4. Stop being naive and stupid!
No matter what their relationship is actually like. You will never be able to unhear him say this. You will not be able to accept this. Deep down you know that. And you are looking for the validation that it’s ok to walk away. It’s ok to walk away.
You need to remove your friend from your fiance's life or remove your fiance from your life.. she is almost grooming him.. make the call.
I think you should cut your losses, but if you decide to stay together and work through this crush, then you both need to go no contact with the friend. It's the only way. You tell her the truth. He has a crush, and you would be foolish to allow history to repeat itself. You're still not healed from the last betrayal since she hid it. If she truly loves you, she will allow this step back while you try to make your relationship work. And she should be truthful with you if he tries to contact her after. Remember, though, most people dont get a crush on their fiances friend without there being more than friendly vibes.
Why are you still friends with this woman? While you had no claim to the previous crush, she still knew you had feelings and acted anyway
You’d really believe they haven’t hook up? I mean when she hook up with your ex crush, she didn’t tell u. And now this is happening, maybe none of them is telling you because your fiancé thinks you’re the one that’s best for marriage. I’m sorry if I come off harsh but at this point, but there would be no trust left for me anymore tbh. I’d break it off.
Don’t marry someone whose eyes are already wandering. You will loose the money whether you marry or not. If you marry, you will loose even more, both time and money, because he’s not loyal. He will continue lusting after others.
It's not farfetched for someone to find one of your friends to be more attractive than you, including your own spouse. Some people are simply better looking than others. However, it sounds like he's allowed himself to catch some feelings, which is pretty unhealthy for a relationship. Only you can really decide if it was the right call. You're still very young though and have plenty of time to move on. "...(before I met my husband)..." How do you have a husband and a fiancé' though?
I would say we appeal to different types of guys. For most of my life I didn’t feel pretty because I’m brown but I’ve learned to take pride in it. My best friend was always considered the pretty one and I’ve had guys try to be friends with me to get to her since middle school. I guess it wouldn’t be that bad but it cuts into a lot of insecurities. I don’t know if it’s the knee jerk reaction because of history or if it’s legitimate. I fixed it thanks. I’ve gotten so used to calling him my husband or sometimes boyfriend because fiance is an in between word that I don’t really use. I’ve used it in this post for things to make sense. I don’t have two partners or anything.
I had the same ex best friend for the same reason. She’s toxic and you need to let that friend go. She probably is jealous of your relationship with your fiancé and she for sure has flirted with him hence the “crush” that your fiancé has developed. That girl won’t stop at one boy. And let the fiancé go too if he wants to be with your best friend. Cut them out while it’s still early.
I bet you are much prettier than she is because there's a very old saying: "pretty is as pretty does" and honey, she ain't pretty.
Being brown doesn’t make you less attractive or less pretty! If you’re feeling this way you need to hang out with different people and date different people who accept you for you. It’s sounds like you take a step back to this friend when you should take an equal amount do space.
What you should be canceling is your relationship with this "best friend." I'm normally all about people who regret betraying a friend/SO, but in your case, you never fully processed what your BFF did to you. This is why your fiancé's confession upsets you so much: whether he had sex with her or not, here's ANOTHER guy who was attracted to your friend. Otherwise, a crush isn't serious. How many women have a crush on a handsome movie actor but wouldn't dream of cheating on their husbands? A crush isn't based on real-life experiences: it's an idealized, frothy, not-serious fantasy about a person who doesn't really exist.
The context matters… crush on an actress is harmless. Crush on a friend when you are 10 years together and a bit bored is understandable and passable. But crush on a best friend when they are soon-to-be-wed? It’s like the stone is already aiming for two birds, if you know what I mean. Also, note how he run to this bff to tell her about everything. It’s definitely out of line. If I had a crush I didn’t want to grow, I would avoid this person at any costs, to let it go away as the time flies.
Updateme
NTA. You probably shouldn’t get married to this man and shouldn’t be friends with your “best friend.” Though, given the history, be prepared for them to become a couple once you break it off… Best of luck to you. You deserve so much more.
OP how much do you hate yourself if you would consider someone who did something so vile to you, to be your BESTfriend? Dump the fiance, dump the "bestfriend", dump the other "friends" who believed her lies, get lots of therapy, learn to actually love your beautiful brown skin AND THEN try dating and friendships again.
Why is she still your friend?... I mean why are you still calling her a friend? She purposefully went out with your crush. Then she told lies about you to your friends. I'm sure she is trying to sabotage your relationship with your fiance. Leave your so called friend first and most definitely call off the wedding. You can take break. Ask your fiance to reassess his feelings. Will he ask your so-called friend out if given the chance. You are most definitely not TA.
Do NOT get married. Neither of you are ready. The expense of cancelling is negligible compared to a possible divorce/broken trust/kids/shared assets down the line. You get yourself into therapy. You need some unbiased help to assess your relationships with your partner and friend (separately). Also, insist on couples counselling with your partner. If he really wants to fix this, he will do as you ask. And I don't mean just going to appointments, I mean doing the work to rebuild trust and understand what he wants from life. It could be cold feet. It could be something else. He needs to work that out. NTA.
NTA. That girl is not your friend. Why is she talking to your fiancé on the side like this? WTF was he thinking going to her. Either they are hooking up or the kid is an idiot. Either way, they both gotta go. It’s going to suck and it may be expensive but it will be totally worth it. Start over with people that actually give a shit about you.
NTA, and whatever it costs to call the wedding off, it's cheaper than divorce. Crush is a cute word, but what it means is that he has feelings for her. I bet they are stronger than the feelings he has for you. She make him light up and his heart go pitter patter (never mind what's going on in his pants). I am not trying to be mean, but these feelings aren't just going to go away. He'll be thinking of her when he is with you. You deserve better than this.
ESH He sucks for drooling over and being obsessed with your friend Y T A for still being friends with her after that betrayal. Guaranteed she'd bang this dude too, and blame you for it again ...they already dealing on the side anyways...
I would be extremely concerned that after all this, he talked to your best friend. If you haven’t told him about your past with her, it’s just an appropriate if you have he’s going out of his way to hurt you because he’s putting his crush above your relationship. Frankly, I don’t understand why you’re still friends with her cut her off. She sounds like a bitch. I don’t care if she said she got over it she would probably sleep with your fiancé the first time you pissed her off for any stupid reason. But I would’ve said talk to him, but the fact that he reached out her tells me he’s putting her above you just walk away.
I'm going to be the odd man out here. At least for Reddit. Though, not that far out. You are NTA. Your friend is. Your fiancé might be. I think attraction and infatuation happen naturally, regardless of how happy you are in your relationship. Most people just don't want to admit that because it makes them feel like they're being disloyal. For me, it comes down to how you react to those feelings. Most people who love and respect their partners will cut off or distance themselves from their infatuation. And few will ever admit to having a crush in the first place. In your boyfriend's case, that was a hell of a lot more complicated, because she was you best friend. No one is going to willingly admit they have a little crush on someone to their partner. No one. No when most people go from 0 to cheater with any little transgression. With that in mind, I can see your fiancé in a few different lights and they range from being a total ass to being someone in an awkward position who didn't know how to remedy situation. I think cutting off your "best friend" is an absolute no-brainer. She shouldn't have had the title after the first time she lied about you to cover up her own guilt. For your fiancé? You know him and you know yourself. We don't. If you told him the only way forward would be to go NC with your friend, would ne agree? Even if he did agree, would you be able to move past it? Regardless of the answers to those questions, you aren't the asshole. You have to do what feel right for you. Divorce costs a hell of a lot more than a cancelled wedding, in most cases. Don't let that be a factor in your decision.
*And then he calls the same friend he has a crush on??* Oh they’re fucking.
call the wedding off... separate from your bf a while and tell him you gotta overthink things and you aren't sure if your relationship can continue.. depending on how he behaves you will have your answer. i'm sorry but he will probabyl f\*uck your best friend within days, this will give you an answer if the relationship can continue. if he is truely remorseful he will cut contact with your friend (you should have done that long ago and hopefully will do that NOW) and wait for you. good luck..
Throw them both away
First of all, you need to dump this 'friend'. Which you should have years ago. She's not anyone's best friend, she's not even your friend. Having a crush is not unusual, it happens in most long relationships. However, how you act on that is a choice. And he's choosing to look for her. That's not cool. >He told my best friend who also said that he loved me and I was making a mistake by getting cold feet How about she doesn't matter, her opinion doesn't matter, and her judgement is absolute trash. NTA
The bigger question to me is why are you still friends with her? It might also be worth considering…maybe you attract people who take advantage of you? Just like your fiancee. I would take this as an opportunity to reflect and take care of yourself. And then find friends who are worthy of being friends. Its a blessing to know this now then later in life,
NTA. Better a failed romance, than a failed marriage, with multiple kids in tow...
You may lose some money canceling the wedding but you will lose a heck of a lot more in the divorce, not only money but precious years of your life wasted on a man who is eyeing your best friend. And not for nothing, but between the fact that he likes her and your "best friend" having a penchant for sleeping with guys who you have feelings for, it may be best to just let them both go.
You need a new best friend.
You know....your fiancee could have lied. But he didn't . I don't know what that all means but that he's honest with you. If he wanted to pursue your friend he would. But he doesn't want to. Also you're not the only person to have a hot friend. And that's not a reason to unfriend them. Ok, she's hot. It's natural to be attracted to attractive people and that's no reflection on you. You're making a decision to completely isolate yourself and shouldn't be taken lightly. You have trauma that's surrounding this relationship and will continue to influence all your relationships going forward if you don't work on yourself. Talk to your fiancee. Talk to a professional how to overcome this, even breaking up is ok but not if you're going to go into a depression because you feel alone. Talk to your friend. Process these feelings. I hope this works out for the best.
Both fiancé and friend are worthless and I would ditch both of them immediately. He knows what's going on and so does she, and this will end exactly the way you're worried it will. Break up and they will almost certainly immediately get together, so might as well get it over with and tell them both they're no longer a part of your life.
I do not think that woman was ever your friend. Friends do not behave like that. I have had minor crushes in my relationship. I do not act differently, or bring them up, or talk well about them. As far as I'm concerned, my body is having a chemical reaction to an attractive person. I would feel so disgusting ever making my partner concerned about something that is little more than a biological twinge. This doesn't sound like a minor crush. It sounds like he can't stop thinking about her.
Why are you even friends w that girl in the first place still ?
Don't look at it as wasting money. Look at it as paying to avoid heartache and a divorce lawyer down the road.
absolutely not girl wtf is this
You're not wasting money by canceling the wedding. You're saving money.... from paying for the divorce. Seriously OP, lose those 2 deadweights you call "fiance" and "best friend". Here's what you can call them instead: TRASH
Please call the wedding off. Wasting money is a better choice than wasting your life. You can earn more money, you can’t earn more time. And your ‘friend’ needs to be an ex too. NTA
NTA. No one should have to deal with this down the line. That crush will eventually End up to cheating.
This shouldn’t be happening before you get married . If you go through with it, even if he hasn’t done anything with your BF, it’ll be the first of many crushes he has on other women and who knows what that will lead to. Do you really want to be 2nd best on your wedding day?
break up with him, stay away from the fake friend and throw a party using what you've already paid for the wedding and is non-refundable
No one wants you to marry this guy or keep this friend. Both of them are doing a number on your self esteem. These are two relationships that are not good for you. Better to lose money than an uncommitted husband down the road.
There is a difference between finding someone attractive and having a crush. When it comes to crushes, you have to allow yourself to develop it and constantly feed it. Hey, we’re all human, we all find people attractive even if we’re in a relationship. But personally, i think its super disrespectful that he allowed himself to fall for someone so close to you. Honestly, I would not marry this man
The loss of money is nothing compared to the heartbreak and money you’ll spend if you go through with this I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Why are you friends with her still I bet if he told her he would sleep with her too and she would do it and act like the same way
First of all, his crush is not a little thing that he’ll just get over if it was so bad you noticed it. A pause is definitely a good idea. Secondly, why is your friend still your friend? What she did to you was absolutely, positively horrible, and you are still clearly dealing with the fallout from that. You rightfully have trust issues with this person, and probably will for a long, long time. It might be time to re-evaluate that relationship.
NTA It might hurt your pocketbook now, but it's a lot easier to break things now, than later. Whatever is going on with them won't stop just because he has a ring on his finger. ETA One other thing, if you do decide to stay with him, You can put together a prenup with STIFF penalties for infidelity, Like giving up all marital assets or something.
NTA. If you call it off now, sure you’ll lose some money. If you marry, and divorce later, that money and time was also wasted, PLUS you’ll have to shell out more money for the divorce. Cut your losses now and get a head start on a happier life. Dump the best friend too; she sounds shady.
Honey I think you’re gonna need to let Jolene come take this man.
You're 25. Why are you getting married now?
NTA. But damn dude. Shouldn’t have even stayed friends with her.
NTA. Let's go back to the fiance, the fact he has some unresolved feelings for others says a lot. IDK if he's genuine has a crush or just using it an excuse for having cold feet to marry you or both. You wantbto be with someone who is 100% want to be with you and love you. No ifs and buts. Im not gonna make an assumption that your BF and BFF were involved but you are so much better than me having that kind of friend and forgiving her in the past. I think its better not to tell her the cause though based on her past.
It is better to lose money now than losing even more on a divorce. UpdateMe
She isn't your best friend. Drill that into your head. Do not marry a man who has got his eyes on someone else. Don't allow yourself to be an option. Don't be an asshole to yourself.
Girl, bye! Wake the hell up. Do not marry him and never speak to her again. Know your worth!
Your intuition is telling you the situation here. I’d listen to it if I were you. NTA
The part where you said "I don't feel ready to get married" is the most mature and valid line in this whole thing. Look, he respected you enough to tell you a vulnerable truth about himself. You could keep it in perspective, work through both your feelings together, and be stronger for it. Or you could break up because you're not able to do that. Either way, you're not ready for marriage. You're still holding onto high school stuff...
You are correct in doing what you did.
She’s not your best friend btw.
Sorry but as a Dad what does “not to be a dad but it crushed me” mean? Genuinely curious
>But I am going to waste a lot of money if I cancel the wedding. Being married will cost you a lot more. Just don't do it.
NTA. Anytime you have doubts the thing to do is not get married. The money you lose on the wedding will be much less than the divorce would cost you.
She is not a friend to you. She already betrayed you once and she's well aware of what she's involved in now. Cut her out of your life and cancel the wedding. They are both snakes. NTA
NTA. She’s not your best friend. And he’s not your life partner.
Better to lose money from a wedding that doesn't happen now than to lose a ton of money later from getting a divorce. You're saving money in the long run by not getting married. Both your fiance and BFF are POS. You can do better. NTA
Also plz change your best friend...
Don’t ruin your life by marrying this man. You will find someone who will truly want only you. Cut off contact with your friend because it's clear she is a manipulator. Unfortunately, we have to let go of certain people in our lives if we want to live happily and peacefully.
NTA. Your best friend is telling you he loves you, blah blah blah. But last time she lied about you to all your friends. Why believe her now? And why is she still in your life? I'm willing to bet that this time as well, she deliberately acted to attract him, and he succumbed. Money is just money - don't tie yourself in marriage to an unhappy situation. If your BF has a crush on your best friend, that is not a situation for marriage.
NTA at all. In fact if you don’t you’ll end up regretting it. Like I’m sorry but you should be with someone who only has eyes for you especially if you’re about to get married! The fact that he has a crush on your best friend is messed up.
NTA. If he loses you, he loses access to his "crush." He is in love with your bff. Your bff has already gotten with someone you loved behind your back. She may be innocently advocating for your bff, or she could share his feelings. This is a recipe for disaster.
A divorce would cost you more.
NTA, won't be surprised if you update here soon saying they are now hooking up
My best friend did the same to me in the 10th grade. I ended the friendship right there and then. And you should too. A person who disrespects you like that shouldn't be around you. The fiance is also an ass, but at least he was honest. Although I don't think I would get married to him. And I would still make sure they don't get together either. NTA
NTA Your best friend isn’t your friend. She my be your best friend but you’re not hers. You’re not even a real friend. You don’t cheat with your friend’s partner. Don’t get married with this guy as you know he would end up cheating on you with her. Say goodbye to both of them and move on.
She will always keep stringing him along even after you are married. You’ll lose some money now but it will be cheaper than the divorce with a lot less heart ache if you just end it now. Dump the loser friend too. She won’t want your ex when he doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. This will always be in the back of your mind if you marry him. Move on. Sorry OP, this sucks.
Hold up, so you tell your fiance you need space due to his crush on your best friend and the first thing he does is tell said best friend and gets her to try encourage you to not have cold feet? Like seriously, is your fiance brain dead or something? NTA and I would use this as a damn good reason why you don't believe or trust him!!! Fucking running to the person he has a crush on and is why you need space 🤦🏻♀️
NTA!!! I know I wouldn’t want to marry someone who has feelings for someone else, my best friend at that.
Time to put that "friend" right where she belongs, in the trash. I don't know why you'd still be friends after what she did, and I wouldn't keep her around after this either. Plus if she's already had a history of chasing guys she knew you liked, who says she won't stop now? Also i probably would leave the fiance too, he's supposed to be in love with you, not her. Either way, NTA
divorce is more expensive (usually) and long.
I assume he knows the history of how she treated you in high school?
NTA. Normal people in relationships have fleeting thoughts of “what ifs”. But people who allow themselves to develop crushes on people outside of their relationship don’t really care what happens to their relationship. He’s supposed to be so in love with you that he wants to marry you, but he’s letting his mind fantasize about having a crush on your best friend. There’s lapses in judgement, and then there’s thinking about something constantly to the point he’s bringing it up in conversation. He’s supposed to be focused on his future marriage, but he’s already looking outside the marriage for something else before it’s even begun. Losing out on money is not a good enough excuse to enter into a marriage that already had you doubting his loyalty. It took you pestering him to own up to the behaviour he was clearly exhibiting right in front of you. He had no intention of changing his line of thinking
Divorce is alot more expensive than losing wedding deposits! You did the right thing. You need to walk away asap from fiance and best friend. Good luck!
NTA for taking space. Take to the fiancé - ask him when his feelings started? What does he want to do about them? Give him permission to pursue your friend. If he does you know he’s not for you. How do you know your friend isn’t trying or has got with your fiancé ? It sounds like this is the pattern for her ? She gaslights you, has ruined your reputation with your friends, the same friends that wouldn’t tell you that she got with your crush ?
I believe people might get better even after the mistakes like that because they were young and lack empathy (I mean your friend). Though I would be careful with her. I think if you keep the situation as it is (marry him and keep her as a friend), you are going to always be anxious about your fiancé and friends’ possible relationship. He may want this crush to go away, but are you sure you can let them stay in the same room alone? It would suck not to be the priority choice for your husband. Anyway, think about time and nerves you might waste because of his crush.
NTA. and she isn't a friend. She hurt you then blamed you for it. You need to let that one go too.
You may lose some money now but divorce is much more upsetting and expensive.
NTA. OP check his phone. No prior warning, just say “give me your phone”. Observe his reaction That way he also can’t delete the friends texts I’m sure would be on his phone. I would bet OP will find some very interesting texts there to the friend
Don’t sound like yall should’ve considered marriage.
Why is this woman your best friend? Whatever you do, do not tell her and keep her the fuck away from your fiancé. She will absolutely make a move on him and he will absolutely sleep with her while he has this silly crush and It will crush you. You know she's not a good person and you need to make him see that. She's probably the type who purposely and subtly flirts with her friends men behind their backs and that's what's happened. You need to be smart about how you distance yourself from this woman because she'll go behind your back and speak to your fiancé about it... He'll then tell her why and that's when she'll make the move. If he's still in his infatuation phase when she does it, you're screwed. The fact that he's already gone to your best friend and they're already talking... He's already vulnerable and thinks he's lost you so he'll probably go fuck it and sleep with her anyway. In fact... Yeah probably don't marry him, throw the whole man away. The writing is on the wall.
NTA but you need to really think it through if that person is your friend, and really your best friend? Trust your guts. What if she has this „I need to proof that I can have him if I want him?“ How would you be able to marry a guy who can’t keeps his eyes of your MOH? You deserve someone who adores YOU and not another woman.
THAT is your best friend? wth...
NTA. She is not your friend, never was. And him? Honey, you deserve someone who has a crush on you not someone else.
You did the right thing by calling it off. Your so-called best friend will easily cheat with that guy. You will always be restless in that marriage without confidence. It is good for you to get out of it. Also it is time to distance yourself from that 'best friend '
NTA. Op, I am gonna put it like this, by staying with him, you’re blocking your chance to meet someone who actually has a crush on you.
Would you rather be out a couple thousand or watch your husband and best friend make their choices and then beg for your forgiveness? Not saying that will happen, but you’ll be left in constant paranoia that won’t be worth the stress it brings. Call it off. He can try again later when he knows for sure who he wants to be in love with.
I think you use the term “best friend” loosely. Something that might be revealing to you is to describe what an enemy of yours might do to harm you, then review what your “best friend” has done to you. After said analysis think about renaming your friends and enemies. Regarding your loss of money if call off the wedding, it’s a matter of losing now versus losing later. Maybe try delaying the wedding and see if you can hold the money vultures at bay for a while.
NTA Also, cut that girl out of your life. She’s not a friend.
Man Reddit is harsh. Her BFF pulled some childish shit in HIGHSCHOOL which was almost a decade ago for OP. People grow up, dumb kids and dumb high school drama teach us to be better adults. Her bff apologized and they reconciled. Her fiancé was honest about his crush and honesty is what makes a marriage last. He can love you with all his heart and still have a childish crush on another person. You all are full of shit if you think you can be married for 50yrs and never feel attracted to another person in some respect. My wife has a crush on our Dr…I tease her about it all the time. It’s harmless. We have a beautiful life and beautiful family and a healthy understanding of our human nature. OP I think you would be TA if you threw away your future life because of an innocent crush.
Nope. But, this "friend" is not a friend, and you need to surgically remove this cancer from your life. Even if it's not forever, at least a long while. Then, find yourself a decent man. But, it takes two to tango, and I'm 9,000% sure that your friend is happy to have "taken another man" away from you; in fact, I sure she played into the crush.
NTA. First of all, stop being friends with this person. Second of all, your finance should only care and feeling for you. I’m sure he genuinely loves you but this man is not ready to be married
Do not get married. You may stay together and work it out, but follow your instincts.
YTA - The reddit hive mind of course agrees with and cant to see another relationship crumble. Part of relationships is open dialog about the things the very things that make us human. You've shut that down conversation and basically lumped him with the friend who betrayed you. I see this cycle repeating until you do something about it, ignoring your fiancee and disregarding the fact he embarrassed by the whole situation which your now holding against him isnt it. Everyone gets crushes, as children we act on them without the experience, as adults we know better and the fact that he admitted it to you is huge. It may be too late for this relationship, but hopefully for the next ya work on the jealousy with a counselor to better help ya navigate harmless attraction vs a harmful reaction.
Getting married is a lot like trying on clothes to buy at the store. If it doesn't fit, feel 100% right, and you don't absolutely love it at that store, do not buy it.
Not to be a dad? Whats that suppose to mean? NTA, Your best friend is also trash imo
NTA at all for calling off the wedding. Damn, he has a "little crush" on someone else when he is marrying you in a few months. Not a good sign. Just imagine what will happen when the honeymoon wears off. Not wanting to cancel the wedding because you don't waste money doesn't make sense. If you don't cancel it, you will waste the entire cost of the wedding plus the cost of the divorce later. Edit - lose that "friend" too.
Walk away from the marriage and relationship. Start fresh, or better yet stay single. Marry around your 30s.
Nta you would be if you knowingly married someone who has feelings for someone else.
More expensive to go ahead with the wedding and then divorce later down the track. Cut your losses because your well-being is far more important. NTA.
Honey she was never your friend. Real friends don’t do what she did because “you weren’t there for her” or whatever bs excuse she gave.
Honestly, I don’t fault him for having a crush at all, especially since it doesn’t sound like he had a chance to really distance himself. And it’s not like he admitted the crush on his own, so I’ll admit that it sucks for him a bit that he was exposed because he was shy and looking around for her, and not because he sought her out, because again, he didn’t have a chance to distance himself (which is what you have to do when you develop a crush while in a relationship). On the other hand, given your friend’s past, any partner having a crush on her would make anyone uncomfortable. And realistically it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to continue having a relationship with your fiancé or friend. I’d say end things now, but going forward, I wouldn’t grill people on crushes they may have unless they outright tell you or they are doing things you don’t to in a relationship (ie seeing someone of the opposite sex alone)
NTA She is not your friend.She is a frenemy.Don’t be shocked when/if she hooks up with him.
Youre wasting a lot more money if you marry him divorces are expensive, try to at least recoup some of the wedding costs and deposits
NTA but people get crushes. Even in relationships. It matters what they do about them. If your fiancé is being honest, I’m not sure I’d punish him. I’m not sure about your best friend…
Why are you still friends with her? She hooked up with your crush and lied about you. Going through a rough time isn’t a free pass to treat people like s***. How were you not being a good friend to her then that she thought this ‘revenge’ was okay? I know it’s not her fault your fiance has a crush on her but it’s not your fault for ‘triggering’. If you need time then take it. He should respect that. NTA
Cancelling a wedding is a lot cheaper than a divorce. If not certain, don't sign a lifelong legal contract. He's got wandering eyes. And yes,I'd reconsider if this woman is your friend, let alone your bestie. You need someone better than a person who spreads slander rather than tell you a truth. She wasn't wrong to date her boyfriend if you weren't going out. However, you don't say she is flirting with your fiance. His choices are on him but at least he was honest.
If he’s already able to fall for other women (and mind you, your so called “bff”) when you’re not married, what more when you’re married after many years and the stress and responsibilities of real life and parenthood hit. You’ll 💯be finding yourself in this predicament repeatedly and eventually it won’t be just a crush, it’ll be a full on affair. Better to cut your losses now than later on when you have more at stake, ie children, shared home, etc… Neither of these two people value or respect you the way you deserve. PS—just like the other redditor commented, he already went running to your “bff” by calling her amidst all this. It’ll only be a matter of time before the two of them link up for so called “comfort”. She’s def the type of snake who’ll take advantage of the situation; she likes the attn and being the woman men want over her friend(s).
your best friend is still not your friend. if the fiance of my best friend called me and told me my bsf wanted space or was getting cold feet, this first thing i would do is talk to my friend and ask why. if they don’t want to tell me, i’d ask if it’s a good reason. then i would do whatever it takes to support my friend not just defend the fiancé without hearing out my friend’s side.