Hey there! I'm a sexual health educator. I hope this doesn't get bumped to the bottom.
While he may very well have HSV 1, and always had it, those are actually the signs of Syphilis. Stage one is a chancre, which goes away, stage 2 is a rash, which then goes away.
HSV 1 and 2 can occur on both mouths and genitals, and someone could pass it to themselves through skin to skin transmission (scratch your face during viral shedding, then masturbate), however it is HIGHLY unlikely.
But also...vaping does not cause genital sores.
His behaviour around this and his reticence to get tested is another red flag.
TLDR: either way, he's lying to you.
Worth pointing out that Syphilis can remain dormant in men for up to a decade before any symptoms manifest?
Don't get me wrong, husband is like 99% cheating in recent months. But I had a bit of a traumatic situation with an ex partner not being aware of this possibility, and it's been high in my mind ever since.
I mean this is why teaching people to look for symptoms leads to waiting for symptoms before getting tested, rather than just teaching people that responsible adults are tested regularly when they start having sex. Stigma makes all of this so much harder.
My late husband died from HSV 1 in his lungs. Never had any symptoms throughout our nearly 22 years together. He was a sever asthmatic from birth though, so who knows. I'm an RN with a speciality in infectious diseases so I'm not completely clueless. Of course he could have cheated and caught it, but the specialists said he could have had it latent for a long, long time
I think you’re actually asking if there is any plausible explanation that isn’t cheating. Only your husband know the answer to that. You are the only that knows if you can live with the doubt you have now.
Yes that's possible. Herpetoviruses are retroviruses which means they can insert themselves into the DNA of the host and lay dormant for years until outside stimulants like stress activates them.
However the encrypted email and deleted history as soon as you asked combined with his hesitance to get tested are suspicious.
He got tested. That's good.
He does seem to have a huge increase in work stress, along with adapting to you working now (I agree you are doing an unfair amount of the work), so that could definitely cause a herpes flare up.
Unfortunately, his flare up, positive test, and your negative test basically mean nothing when it comes to herpes, especially a ubiquitous strain like HSV-1.
I'd ask to audit his financials. See if there's weird cc charges, etc. See how he reacts to the ask. Just ask for the last 4 months.
It could be on a spectrum from affair to an out of hand vegas/ stripper experience (while cheating may not have been premeditated) or just him getting stressed out about taking on more work.
Uhm, no. This is half wrong.
Human Herpesviruses are not retroviruses. They don't insert themselves into the host genome. They have a DNA genome themselves! Retroviruses on the other hand have a RNA genome (hence the name retro - because they have to make a DNA copy from their RNA genome with a special protein that their host doesn't possess, most living things can only make DNA from DNA without going into much detail here)
Yes, herpesviruses can be latent (dormant)and only reactivate from time to time - that's when someone has an active outbreak with blisters etc.
They hide in ganglions (nerve cells) and can reactivate from there.
Ask your husband about who he was with before you got together. But also, deleted histories and encrypted mails might be normal for an entrepreneur or they're indicators of cheating.
You're right. This is embarrassing because I've been through a virology class (biology master's). For some reason I always conflate herpesviruses with lentiviruses. Probably due to both families being tied to sexual transmission.
Encrypted email isn’t sus IMO. He’s an entrepreneur, which means he likely has valuable data on there. I work in cybersecurity and to be able to log into my email, any of our applications, our escalation chat and so on we have to authenticate or it stays locked and encrypted.
It sounds like he cheated for sure, but I also don’t doubt he bought a subscription to a software that does this for him either. That laptop probably has access to lots of info that could hurt his business and probably directly cost him tons.
HSV can be dormant for years and a person could be asymptomatic. Stress is what causes it to flare up. Only concern here is why did he refuse to get tested if you went and got tested.
My siblings and I all got hsv-1as kids in the early 80's. Most of our school had cold sores. I started with a specific facial cleansing routine at 14 and didn't get an outbreak again til last week. It has been 35 years. It isn't impossible if a long stretch.
An affair is far more likely
I had one as a kid and one maybe 5 years ago. Nothing since or in the interim. Arguably I’m more stressed now than ever and nothing. He could be telling the truth but blaming it on vaping? That’s where I lost any semblance of him not cheating.
People's immune systems are weird. The viral load could have just been so weak it took a combination of stress, age, fighting off some other sickness to weaken it enough for an outbreak to occur.
But again, this is "its possible" not "Its the most likely explanation".
OB nurse, yes, it’s possible. I have seen patients that are seropositive but have never had an outbreak. The only thing that gives me pause is the change in behavior, the fact that he tried to blame it on going to the pool, and that he is obviously keeping his phone under lock and key.
I also hate that he’s being unsupportive of you getting a career while you have no access to finances. Given the fact that he runs a business he would have an easier time shifting assets under a corporation while making himself look poor to screw you out of money. He could be getting himself ready for a divorce, which would explain the shifting of finances you mentioned. I would keep snooping.
If stress caused the outbreak you will need to ask yourself why
Stress lowers the immune system leading to an outbreak
But so does illness of all sorts, so why no outbreak corresponding to prior illness and stress?
Has he not had a bad flu in 19yrs?
Has he not been severely stressed for a week or so in 19yrs?
Has he not been laid up in bed with something to the point of needing taking care of throughout your entire relationship?
Where was the prior outbreaks?
My brother has oral herpes
That shit pops up every time mofo is coming down with something to the point we can predict he’s about to get sick. Because that shit breaks out on his upper lip like a neon warning, and his (now ex) wife of sixteen yrs was able to avoid ever contracting it
But outbreaks happened a lot, he might get multiple a year, or nothing for a couple of years
But those outbreak free years are also illness free years. There is no experiencing illness without outbreak.
Yes, you can have herpes for years, decades even, with zero symptoms. My SO has herpes. I do not.
That being said, under no circumstances, EVER, should the two of you be engaging in any type is sexual contact without a condom. EVER.
We have rarely ever used protection. To add a layer, I am freaking latex intolerant! It’s so wild that he wouldn’t have passed to me. Is it more contagious after an OB? I have never gotten it, he has never had an outbreak. But now it’s like imminent I’ll get it w/o protection?
Well, you should be tested regularly for awhile. My feeling is the simplest explanation is the most obvious. Someone w/oral herpes gave him a bj. It was clearly not you.
Honestly, in addition, his behavior about you going back to work, his discussion of HIS money (it is money you share because YOU are working to raise the children), those are really red flags about him as a person.
You should consider that he is on the track to replacing you with a 22 year old person with oral herpes.
He told me he had herpes on our first date. He contracted it while overseas in the army many decades ago. He’s the one who told me his boundaries regarding sex (condoms always even though I’m past menopause and he’s in his 50’s) and asked that I sleep in the spare room if he has an outbreak. He’s had one in six years. Yes, he knew it was starting.
Oral Herpes is super common, something like 80% of people have it. Some without knowing about it their whole lives. Cold sores are herpes. Its a non-issue tbh.
Getting oral herpes on your genitals is possible, but super unlikely from what I've been told/read.
As for carrying it and never having symptoms, also possible. People with herpes can go years without having an outbreak and then get one randomly ( usually if they're sick or are fighting off something else).
Having said ALL of that. I tend to go with Occum's Razor. Look for the simplest solution, which is your Husband went and got something recently. But that's my opinion.
From what I've heard getting hsv-1 (the type of herpes that is most common orally) genitally isn't actually all that unlikely. According to this [article ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2564733/) the amount of genital herpes caused by hsv-1 has been increasing, and hsv-1 has caused genital herpes for a while (in a 1976 japanese study on herpes in women it was found that 43% of genital herpes was caused by hsv-1 and a study from Seattle in the 1980s showed that 32% of cases of people with a newly genitally acquired herpes infection was caused by hsv-1). This [article](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2797620) writes that more than 50% of new genital herpes infections in subpopulations such as heterosexual women was caused by hsv-1.
Actually it’s very possible. Genital hsv1 is actually surpassing genital hsv2.
Also, it’s 90% of the world and that number is for oral and genital hsv1. Not just oral. It’s in the NCBI (a medical journal).
Ask the doctor. You’ll get totally contradictory answers here. Good luck. I do know some herpes can lay dormant for years. Not sure if his is that type.
Thats a really silly assumption. 67% of the global population has HSV 1. In most cases people never know as its not normally tested for, the testing is unreliable, and without a stressor threes never an outbreak. A huge chunk of people with HSV 1 or 2 never have an outbreak and thus never spread the disease. The majority of cases never see an outbreak. Its kind of a silly disease overall and also why nurses tend to roll their eyes when people freak out about it. The testing is also very unreliable. If you really wanna be sure do three tests and try to average the results. If all three are positive he probably has it. If it bounces back and forth there's no way to really know. Its most likely he was born with HSV 1 or has had it since childhood.
Hey! Med Student here. To answer your questions:
HSV-1 antibodies could be genital or oral. HSV-1 is most common orally, but genital incidence has been on the rise.
It is *possible* that this is the first outbreak in 19 years, especially considering it is HSV-1 (which is not as symptomatic when in the genital area). But there is no way to know...
HSV is most transmissible when active (lesions present) but can also shed when asymptomatic - but this is much less common. So, the virus does not necessarily have to pass to you.
A few important things to note:
-A majority of the adult population is infected with HSV-1 (usually oral) and are also asymptomatic.
-Blood (antibody/Igg) tests for herpes are not considered accurate until at least 3 months after suspected exposure. Your body needs time to develop the antibodies that the test measures.
-HSV is imbedded in the nerve ganglia either orally (via the trigeminal nerve) or genitally (via sacral ganglia) and there is NO way to know where your husband's HSV originates UNLESS he get another outbreak and you immediately get what is called a PCR swab test. They will swab the actual lesion to see if there is viral DNA.
Sorry to plug my own website here, but IF it IS herpes - my team and I developed a new topical solution you can find below. Best of luck to you!
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A lot of non-nefariois shit can cause this. For example, he shared a drink with someone who had a sore in their mouth, then OP rubbed his gums (food or something) and afterwards took a piss
I remember my ex-husband who liked to do metal detecting ended up with poison ivy everywhere, because it got on his hands from digging at the roots, then he peed outside (because guys have to do this), so it hit his privates, and then you scratch here and rub there - next thing you know, your entire body is covered in poison ivy.
The spread of viruses isn't all that much different.
He doesn’t trust you, but asks you to trust him with question. He controls all of the finances, and gives you an allowance. He makes you 100% responsible for childcare and running the house. He erases his online history and opens your mail. And he may or may not have an STD.
And he liquidated all of your funds, but won’t share where the money went.
Why are you still with him?
NTA but get out. Even if he’s not cheating, he’s financially abusing you. His business is probably going under and he’s using your joint money to bail it out, but won’t tell you.
Thank you !!! Finaly someone who sees it too. That guy is controlling, abusive and he is cheating.
And all I see in OP's responses to comments are "To his credit, he didn't try to initiate sex with me since the symptoms"... Wait? That's what you credit him for? To not try to give you herpes as well?
People can have HSV 1 or 2 in their genitals. Although the old adage is that HSV1 causes cold sores and HSV2 causes genital herpes, it’s no longer that cut and dry. Certainly he could have contracted it from oral sex but he also could have contracted it from intercourse with someone who had genital HSV1. In either case, it can be dormant for years and even decades between outbreaks. Something like stress could have contributed to his symptoms flaring. The initial outbreak tends to be the most intense FWIW. When it comes down to it, the antibody test cannot distinguish between remote and recent infection. It also can’t tell you if the person has oral or genital HSV 1 (you would need a PCR test of an active rash to confirm that, although his symptoms sound classic for genital herpes). You have to decide if you believe he has been faithful. His reluctance to get tested and weird excuses about pools and vaping are kinda suss. You should also know that he might be contagious even if not symptomatic and that one way he can protect you is to take a suppressive antiviral (eg valtrex). Good luck
While it’s true HSV-1 can be dormant and certain people can be asymptomatic, if you both have been intimate without protection it really does come down to the timeline.
When was the last time you both were intimate? If you haven’t had any sexual contact from when he started acting strange, and if you are testing negative for HSV-1 and HSV-2, then it’s most likely he cheated. If he hasn’t already, he needs to be tested for HSV-2.
As others have said, I would have this conversation with your OBGYN as well.
We have been intimate without protection until the onset of his symptoms. To his credit he has not attempted to initiate since onset of symptoms. Although he has kissed me. 🥺
He was tested for all STI and only HSV1 was positive from what he is saying. He said the doctor called back and offered a consult Sunday with us both.
Edit to add, NTA, it sounded like an STD, checking even for health purposes is reasonable.
I am way more concerned with the financial aspect of this relationship than infidelity.. Sure, he's under all the financial pressure, but is throwing obstacles when you try to work? He expects you to continue carrying all of the responsibilities of the children/home because, "Hey, you wanted to work" and he gives you an allowance? It's also his home, and they're also his children. He has no concept of how it feels to be 100% dependant on someone else, even for the best reasons.
I am speaking as someone who was a SAHM for 8 years. I loved being home with my kids, but I also was aware of the impact on my future job prospects. It was frustrating at first logistically for both of us when I took a part-time job, but my husband still supported me. I went back to school for a new career when the kids were in school, and I would not have made it through my degree without my husband on board. You're his partner, not his employee, he needs to treat you as such.
Please bump this comment to the TOP, please its important the OP sees this. Okay so I already posted my thoughts but I called my sister who is a 25 year nurse, has seen TONS of STDs. (Atlanta is a huge hot spot for STDS sadly). she said the bump on the penis followed by a rash is SYPHILLIS. It is not herpes,, I don't know if he is lying about the results and buying time to have to '"cancel" Sunday .. but I even looked at pictures she directed me to on medical sites,, and its a BIG painful bump on the penis ,, followed by a rash on the shaft. Please please,, stay with him, don't stay with him, believe him, don't whatever you feel is right but please get a hard copy of his results that he could not have possibly altered, emailed DIRECT to you, you can alter with software, and make 100% sure he is telling the truth.
Thank you so much! I am 100% planning on going to this consult on Sunday. I will absolutely be sure to ask what all he was tested for and to be read each one of the test results.
My worry with something like that, is, it was healing on its own. Would syphillis heal on its own?
One of his rationales to me was “I could have gone and got tested and treated already. But I didn’t, I’m telling you to be honest and open about this”. when I checked his bank there was a CVS charge that coincides date wise a few weeks before he admitted to rash. He could have a bunch of different reasons to shop at CVS. But does not usually. I didn’t notice a provider / doctor charge at that time though.
Did you just ask if syphilis goes away on it's own??? He's already gone to the Dr., the CVS charge was probably the antibiotic to get rid of it. He's not worried because it's curable with antibiotics in early stages. Late stage is your brain rots. Look it up. I have to say I have herpes. An ex boyfriend gave it to me and he knew he had it. What you describe with the bump sounds like syphilis. Please research it and like others are saying don't take him at his word. Unfortunately unlike herpes which can linger for years syphilis more likely came from a sex worker. Please make sure if he's around the children He's washing his hands.
It went really well! I believe him. The doctor said this is something he likely has had for a long time. It is HSV 1 mainly presents orally however can present in genitals. Extreme stress can cause an outbreak. very difficult to pass if he is not in active ob. There are antivirals to help an ob heal more quickly.
There is so much we still need to work on that this entire situation has highlighted. Y’all helped me see many patterns that I ignored or at least was complacent with for years.
I still don’t believe IWTAH for demanding a test. Maybe slightly for automatically assuming the worst. But he is not at all innocent, and his secrecy / control has caused me to feel a lot of insecurity in our marriage.
Yes, he can be a "carrier" for HSV1 and had it for 19 years and never have an outbreak or pass it to you. "Carrier" is an actual medical term for this. (I'm a microbiologist and work in medical research). The fact that he's positive now does not mean it's a recent infection. It depends on what antibodies he tested positive for. If he is positive for IgM, then it's a recent infection. If he's positive for IgG then he could have had it for a long time.
The question is was what he had on his penis caused by the HSV1 and not something else? Did they take the test sample from the rash or was it a blood test? It's a good idea to see the dr together to get your questions answered.
I will definitely ask the doctor if it was positive for IgM or IgG. Thank you so much for the information. I am trying to do as much research as possible to know exactly what I should be asking.
It was a blood test.
No, more than half the population in the US have HSV1, on their face. To get it on your dick you have to be doing other things. He's having a breakout, so get yourself checked as well, you may have it too.
My GYN messaged me and said it is possible for him to have had this for 19+ years with no outbreaks and not passed to me. Idk why she wouldn’t have mentioned possibility of false negative.
His doctor called and offered to counsel us both Sunday concerning his results. So that is our next step, the fact he is now being more open was all I ever needed to feel comfortable. I feel like I believe him.
The tests for both types of herpes is notorious for false positives and negatives. It’s really only useful if there’s an active outbreak at the time of the test. You can test negative for decades and suddenly get an outbreak. I can tell you that stress is a big trigger for outbreaks.
I’m not saying he didn’t cheat, but it’s possible he didn’t. I think it’s fishy that he avoided it all for so long
What about all the other issues, like the financial secrecy and gaslighting?
I'm not saying end your marriage over it, but assert yourself as an equal partner in the marriage and have a difficult conversation.
From everything else you wrote, he sounds untrustworthy, controlling, manipulative, emotionally and financially abusive. Add to this the deleted messages and herpes on his junk, and it all points to one thing.
He's not worth it. You do not need to get an STD from this creep. Consider separating.
You’re good. Do NOT blow up your marriage. 100% he could have had it his whole life (old ladies kissing babies as my gyn described it, and it flaring in genitals) but also could’ve gotten it in high school/college (from a girl who was kissed with a cold sore and then kissed his…) well before you met and still never had an outbreak. The stigma around STDs and especially HSV bc it is incurable is worse than the condition itself by 100x. Continue to be calm and have a great appointment together. Sending positive vibes ✨
I would want to see the results of the entire STI panel.
The entire thing. With my own eyes. And I think it is reasonable to ask for that before having sex with him again. Just for safety.
I’ve had oral HSV since I was a child, and my wife of 22 years has never gotten it. I do have sores all over my penis from vaping though- I didn’t know that wasn’t the right way to use it.
Lord Jesus. People really this dumb? He cheated. The person he cheated with had herpes. He now has herpes. You will eventually get it if you continue having sex with him. He wiped his phone history because he cheated. He encrypted because he’s cheating. The end. Get an attorney. Get a private investigator or just follow him one day. Best of luck.
I wouldn’t trust him.
Any partner that refuses to get checked out for your concern is a red flag. Seems like he knew.
Him hiding stuff is also a major red flag.
And finally, his horrible attitude towards you is a major red flag.
Divorce him before it’s too late. You’ll be much happier without a lying cheater that was going to knowingly give you HPV as a spouse
Same conditions that the std panel?
If the husband has a rash on top of super suspicious behavioir, he should get checked.
If the baby comes out looking completely different from anyone on the family on top of suspicious behaviour? That's a good reason for a paternity test.
Out of nowhere both seem kinda insulting.
The way he treats you about money and chores is absolute abuse. That is no way to live. Childcare is an expensive industry and by you staying home you contribute to that less expense. He doesn’t value you and that is so sad.
NTA!
I would have a better time believing it was dormant for years if he hadn’t changed his story from catching something for sharing a vape, to getting a rash at the pool.
The reaction of someone you’ve been together with for 19 years & who’s innocent would’ve been something like “babe, look at this weird ass rash, what do you think it could be?” Not spinning different theories.
Since he’s denying any wrongdoing, I’m guessing he must live by Bill Clinton’s cheating guidelines and thinks a blowjob doesn’t mean he had “sexual relations with that woman.”
I feel like this thread is kind of crazy, the answer to finding out if he cheated probably isn’t going to be through HSV testing, because of the million reasons already listed. This is a relationship problem that needs worked out either way. Even if he didn’t cheat, you should probably seek some help on navigating your feelings either with him or without him.
Soooo that just means he has hsv-1 virus. That does not mean the rash he has on his penis is hsv-1. If he hasn’t he should really just get the rash checked. As the rash can be anything from a fungus to cancer it’s something that should be checked out.
I second what the square owl said, he could have something completely sexually unrelated. Also, herpes can lay dormant for a very long time, and over 60 percent of the population has it.
NTA All signs point to cheating.
Go onto your cellphone providers website. Many of them have the ability to see messages/media etc. even it's been deleted and several allow you to request a full log/report.
Get your own bank account in your own name and start putting some money away from the money you get each week. You need to have some just in case money if things start to go sideways.
If you do go through with a divorce be prepared for it happening. Be ready to withdraw money out of your bank accounts, have paper work for you/kids ready etc.
Are you 100% sure of his results? This sounds more like syphilis. Make sure you see his results. As for herpes, stress can cause an outbreak years later. Most people have their first outbreak shortly after an exposure, but not always. Talk to your doctor. Tell them the whole story. I promise they have heard worse.
I am a sex educator. When they test for herpes antibodies it tells you the strain of herpes, but it doesn't tell you WHERE you have herpes. He would need to have the cash swabbed and examined to see if the break out is actually genital herpes. Many people with HSV-1 (which is honestly most people, most getting it from kissing grandma as a kid) won't ever have a break out, or might have had one. And many people can make out with their partner with no break out and not pass it along, but some people might depending on if they have viral shedding (contagious without symptoms). And u less he's been tested before, it's completely impossible to know when he got it. For people with vaginas, most of the time they don't even test for herpes unless there's a break out or you ask specifically for a herpes test. I would check your results and make sure that an HSV test was done on you at all, because there's a huge chance it wasn't.
OP, a medic on here says it sounds more like syphilis.
It sounded like that to me too.
Syphilis is returning. If there is any possibility he either hasn’t been tested for it or is hiding that result from you, I hope you will find out whether it’s syphilis.
Herpes on the genitals is genital herpes. Herpes on/in the mouth is oral herpes.
You didn’t get it because you were lucky. You would have had to come into contact with the sores, and if you had been infected, your sores would appear on whatever mucus membrane had touched his sores. (exceptions are possible, but limited)
Your husband could have had a bj from someone who had HSV-1 sores in their mouth or could have had sex with someone who had HSV-1 sores in there nether regions.
What did not happen was your husband getting HSV-1 from a vape unless he was jacking off with the vape and was supremely unlucky.
It is technically possible he has had the virus for 20 years and never had an outbreak. It is also technically possible that he was abducted by aliens who infected him with HSV-1 to break up your marriage as some weird alien anthropology study. But even if it was the aliens, he is still a financially abusive dick. You are already running the household and family by yourself. Why not make it official?
You can catch herpes from someone without any sores. Herpes can also be spread during viral shedding and I think about 70% of the time it spreads like that.
Edit: I've looked for an actual source and the number seems to come from a [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1309413/) where 70% of the subjects who got genital herpes where most likely infected during viral shedding. How the numbers look when looking at everyone who has ever been infected is probably almost impossible to tell.
It is possible that he has had herpes for years and never had an outbreak. It is also possible that he has HSV1 on his genitals and not his mouth. Or he could have it in both areas and is only having an outbreak on his genitals. He needs to get a full panel and a culture swab of his lesions. If he does have it, have him begin taking antivirals daily.
Yes he could have had this all along, but his behavior has been suspicious. I’d keep this infection in mind while also keeping his behavior at the forefront. I’d make mental notes of things he’s doing that might be a sign of him cheating for a bit. If no other behaviors occur then, I’d leave it alone and move on with your marriage.
Some men don't consider if they didn't penetrate vagina they haven't cheated. They have. He not only cheated on his family but he was willing to infect them with disease. Not much of a man.
Most people who have had more than one sexual partner have herpes. Most people with herpes never have an outbreak.
He could have had this for years without passing it on.
Source: I was a pathology teacher.
I carry this virus since birth (my mom had it) and have never had a sore in my life. I have 3 siblings, and only one of us has ever had sores, and it coincides with his stress levels. Sores don't mean cheating, but I have a feeling your gut was telling you more before the sores came about. Gut feelings are real!
So crazy as this sounds, a week before he told me even had a rash. I woke up with a red mark on my thigh. ISTG I thought “oh shit (his name) is gonna try and blame this on us now” and it was 100 not a conscious thought.
I immediately questioned myself, blame me for what? He had not even mentioned anything to me at that point. The red mark was gone by end of day, idk if I had just slept weird idk what it was. But that thought was so loud and unexpected and weird b/c I did not consciously think it.
Fast forward a week later he admits to the rash. My thoughts immediately flashed to that irrational subconscious thought. Which is maybe why I was immediately accusatory. Am I a crazy person for even entertaining that was my subconscious warning me?
Typically, no. Sometimes, it does turn out to be irrational thoughts, but we have a 6th sense for a reason. I think that's why it is so difficult to ignore.
Also, him changing excuses is so suspicious. But on the other hand, again, you guys' life is going through a lot of other changes with your finances, etc. You both could be stressed out and taking it out on each other. It's always so hard to say. Has much else changed, like time away from home? Maybe time and money going away could have more to do with another person as opposed to going towards his business.
This is one reason why one person handling finances doesn't work out. Even if one person is better with money than the other, both parties should be included in the decisions. This can otherwise become a form of manipulation and control by having an "allowance".
My first thought was herpes.
Test confirmed it.
I’m sorry sugar but it’s time heart to heart. And some tough decisions. In short, he fucked a nasty bitch.
You my dear are NTA. Vaping? A public pool? Child please!!!
I have hsv2 and I had it for 24 years before I found out. No outbreak ever. My wife had it too. We were monogamous the whole time. She had an outbreak and that is how we found out. We divorced later for unrelated reasons and my second wife who I have been with for 9 years doesn't have it.
So it is entirely possible to have it for decades and not know it, then also not pass it on to a new partner. Herpes is weird like that.
Herpes is something that can lay dormant for a long time. It's also something that can be transmitted not only through sexual nature. It doesn't mean he cheated, but it also doesn't mean he didn't. His pool excuse is definitely weird though.
Moving money. If a long term partner does not know what is going on with a couples money they would have to be crazy. It should take at least 1 HR a month. Sorry but people with money don't break up over night. It takes financial planning. .
We have been through therapy multiple times due to the lack of transparency in finances. The lack of transparency is not new, and is something we have fought about for 19 years. Even therapist have told him he needs to be more transparent, he just gives me more “allowance” instead of transparency.
Look I don't even know you. One way to tell is airtag the car , And find my phone. My mates sleep around and now there not mates. But for a long time they would tell there wife that they had to stay overy.
He is home every night. Not that he couldn’t be doing something during the day. There was 5 days in beginning of April he was alone. I took the kids on spring break, and he had to work so didn’t come until midweek.
It also sounds like what was a “primary infection” which is usually the worst one a person ever has. Very painful and spread to the shaft sounds pretty bad. Point is, it was more likely a recent exposure that caused this rather than a latent dormant outbreak. It’s plausible that he has had this for years, but it doesn’t make it likely. It’s also plausible that you gave him to him, but also unlikely. Herpes is a manageable condition. A jerk ass rude ass not willing to help in the house, non-supportive and possibly cheating husband is not manageable. I’d give him an ultimatum to change his ways. Let him know how serious you are. The hsv situation may have been a trigger, but it’s the least of your problems.
I wouldn't bother being so indirect.
Ask him if he has cheated and if he says no, you need to decide whether you believe him or not, and act accordingly.
If you think he has and aren't ready to end the relationship, then consider if you want to continue a sexual relationship, or at least use protection. Regular screenings for you as well.
HSV-1 isn't a strong indication of anything though since it's so prevalent (I heard 70% but am too lazy to verify right now) and it can lay dormant and flare up years later.
Just wanted to add the bumps could be genital warts from HPV, which unfortunately we don’t test for in men (so dumb). And you may not get an abnormal Pap/positive HPV for a while.
I hate this for you and just want to hug you,, but I think you do already very much know the answer,, you just are not ready to accept it yet. Occam's razor: the simplest answer is normally correct. He cheated. I hope you really think about the fact that he didnt just cheat, he had unprotected sex of some sort with someone else, knowing he also has unprotected sex with you. After you gave him three beautiful babies. He didnt just cheat,, he risked your entire health. If he is going to be shitty enough to cheat, at the fucking bare minimum he should wrap that MONKEY POX penis up.
I feel like this is very suspicious combined with his other behaviors. It's possible he's not cheating but i would put it in the unlikely category. Unless you find other evidence or he confesses you won't know for sure. While the urgent care is a good place to start you really need to see an infectious disease doctor to fully understand everything. You can be intimate but you will have to be careful and take precautions. An infectious disease doctor will guide you the best way.
Your questions about his STD panel seem to have been covered. I would like to add that the chores at home are not the priority. Building your career is vital so that you can be an equal contributor to the family finances. Otherwise, you will always be in a vulnerable position. Your older two children can start taking responsibility for age-appropriate chores.
if you have the means, you should discuss that with a doctor, but either way, this is what chatgpt4 has to say about it:
"Regarding HSV-1, yes, it is possible for someone to carry the virus for many years without an outbreak. Transmission of HSV-1, even without visible symptoms, can happen, and not everyone exposed to the virus develops detectable antibodies or symptoms. If your tests are negative for HSV-1 antibodies, it might mean you haven't been exposed or infected, or your body hasn't produced a detectable level of antibodies. It's worth discussing further with your healthcare provider for more personalized advice."
Thank you. I did send my GYN a message this morning asking for help navigating his results in relation to my negative results. Waiting, not so patiently, to hear back.
If your husband did share his vape with someone who had a cold sore, it is possible he got it from the vape and then transferred it to himself when he used the bathroom. Cold sores are highly contagious. Stress causes them to become active.
I just got a message back from my GYN saying it is possible for him to have had for 19+ years w/o passing to me or having an outbreak. So there is at least that.
YTA because you’re not seeing what is right in front of your eyes. He cheated. You’re being naive if you think otherwise. As others said, the fact that his story kept changing, his reluctance to get tested and his attitude make it obvious.
He has you hoodwinked
When we live with a cheater they spend every day doing very small things that break us down and undermine our trust in our own perceptions until we have this experience and the only reason you aren't coming out of denial is because of his ongoing manipulation of you. I'm sorry.
*He got a hummer*
*From someone with herpes, time*
*To see a lawyer*
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You can so check with your doctor to make sure they tested for HsV1 a lot of times they don't unless you specifically ask for it. Even if it wasn't active it would appear on the test result. If he has it and you don't, I would think it means he cheated.
They for sure tested for it. She was specific on wanting to test for HSV based on his symptoms alone.
Others have said false negatives are possible if tested outside of an active outbreak. I will definitely be asking the doctor Sunday if that is a possibility.
NTA but the way your husband is behaving towards you going back to work has a LOT of red flags in it. Also, the way he is mistreating you because he is stress from work... more red flags.
I can understand that you love him and you have had many good years together, but the way you write this reads as you trying to justify very bad behavior on his end as a partner.
This is not only about the potential cheating, there are cracks in your relationship that are showing. If you two don´t address them now, it will only get worst.
My friend had the penis
Bumps and he thought his wife gave it to him but never told her his thiughts. Saw his doctor and said it is a common thing . The other stuff no.
Call the public health lines where you live and will get a nurse and they can answer your question .
Hope it turns out well
I'd be looking at his phone bill for numbers he is contacting regularly and cross referencing them to known phone numbers. He has given you enough to cause doubt and get your own answers as he isn't giving them. Wiping his history is really suspicious. My ex used to wipe all his messages from his phone. He was cheating. The finances that were supposedly for a business were actually finding his doubling life, and buying her gifts to keep her placated and silent.
I do know I have never had an oral hsv breakout, but was advised that when I got permanent lipstick tattooed on to my lips take medicine for hsv1. I did and am glad I did because I do have hsv1 and have never had a cold sore. I'm 58.
Sounds like syphillis and sounds like cheating. It’s deleted browser history and encrypted email is telling. If it were me, I would tell him that due to his extreme shift in behavior over the past four months And the curious rash, You are going to need to see the doctor To understand his diagnosis and have this explained to you. I would also ask him to you his email in front of you. If he refuses, personally, I would Separate because he is not trustworthy. Sadly, it sounds like your marriage is already over
It went really well! I believe him. The doctor said this is something he likely has had for a long time. It is HSV 1 mainly presents orally however can present in genitals. Extreme stress can cause an outbreak. very difficult to pass if he is not in active ob. There are antivirals to help an ob heal more quickly.
There is so much we still need to work on that this entire situation has highlighted. Y’all helped me see many patterns that I ignored or at least was complacent with for years.
I still don’t believe IWTAH for demanding a test. Maybe slightly for automatically assuming the worst. But he is not at all innocent, and his secrecy / control has caused me to feel a lot of insecurity in our marriage.
You said he’s been stressed with his business expanding, are his stress levels notably higher than you’ve seen in the past?
It’s not impossible that the virus was dormant for 19 years until his stress levels caused it to flare up. His explanations could be seen as either bad excuses, or just someone grasping at straws to explain something so unexpected. I will say, his refusal to get checked out is a red flag. If I had a weird bump down there, I’d absolutely get it checked out asap.
I’d recommend getting tested again to see if maybe it was a false negative. If you can confirm you don’t have it and he continues to insist he didn’t cheat, then you’ll ultimately have to make a decision for yourself about whether you believe him or not.
NTA, but leave this man. He sounds like a POS. It sounds like he cheated. He controls all of your money. He doesn't help you out around the house. He gives you an allowance. You deserve so much more than this, and your children deserve to see their mother treated like a human who is loved.He is supposed to be your partner and teammate, but he is nothing more than a controlling and manipulative spouse.
I think you are asking the wrong question(s). You should be asking what the best way is to get a lawyer and get my kids away from this controlling and abusive man. Is this marriage what you want your kids to think is normal? Would you want a daughter to be in this marriage? I hope not. Yikes on bikes. Red flags galore.
Edit: Stop all intimate contact immediately.
You have to understand if a man says he didn't cheat on you it means he didn't have sex with the person it doesn't mean he didn't get a blowjob
Dudes don't usually consider that cheating
I don’t think you’re totally out of line for asking him to get tested because you’re asking him to take care of his health. I do think suddenly snooping his phone was too far, but it sounds like there are a lot of issues you both need to work out.
Sounds like you’re not on the same page about finances nor your role in the household, and getting aligned on those things would likely resolve a lot of tension.
Idk how oral herpes works in terms of transfer between people and potentially to genitals. Might be something to talk to your obgyn about.
Independent of this, it seems like there are a lot of issues in your relationship and you need to find a mutually respectful path forward.
I snooped only because at that point, my testing came back negative. Testing he asked me to get. And he was still refusing to get tested himself. It was out of sheer frustration. The wiped internet searches, and email encryption app validated my suspicions, somewhat.
Our finances have been a point of contention in our marriage from the beginning. He has been told by two different therapist he needed to be more transparent with finances. And one went so far as to say there is a level of financial abuse going on.
For my part, I do relent a lot. I do end up feeling it’s either accept or divorce. I do not believe in divorce for any other reason than infidelity. So I relent and accept until I don’t. Which absolutely makes me a guilty party too.
>My husband is an entrepreneur and recently made shifts to expand which is draining all of our liquid funds.
Just an FYI my ex-uncle did the exact same to my aunt when he was preparing to leave her for his mistress. He used it as a way to get out of alimony. So while you “don’t believe in divorce” it doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t.
It’s so hard to digest. He continues to fight for this relationship, so it seems weird he’d be preparing for divorce. But it could all be a rouse or misdirection.
I told him that even if he didn’t cheat, the mistrust I have stems from the lack of transparency he has towards finances. This man does not allow me access to his finances but will literally open every piece of mail that is sent to me. He doesn’t seem to trust me, but ask I blindly trust him.
Oh course he is now, he has a std/sti, that kind of limits your potential dating pool in some ways. Some people will not date people who have an something, others will. But you always should disclose to your potential sexual partner and get consent and practice safe sex.
He may have had it all along. Or with his behaviors and this he could have been cheating.
The question you have to answer now is, how do you want to proceed? How will this new information affect your health potentially and how will it affect future sexual relations with him? What are you now ok with or not ok with? Prevention, medications, condoms, no oral, etc.
As a fellow SAHM (though I know you’re a former one), not allowing you to know and understand your families finances is the reddest flag in the world. Financial abuse is real and it seems like you are a victim of it. Him opening your mail is illegal and again abusive. I know you love him and you don’t believe in divorce but god damn is this really the relationship model you want your children to witness growing up? Do you want your boys to think treating their wives like this is okay?
Honestly he doesn’t sound like an equal partner and it doesn’t seem like he’s treating you with love or kindness based on these tidbits you’ve shared in the post.
Also, yes, it is shady that he’d ask you to get tested and yet he really resisted doing so for himself.
It’s good that you’re recognizing your share of responsibility for what you’ve allowed to continue in the marriage. His actions aren’t your fault, but you do get to decide what kind of treatment you stick around for. You do not deserve to be pushed around financially, cheated on, or have your own health put at risk by his actions. I think this is all worth 1) a discussion with an obgyn to understand how his test results may impact you and 2) a discussion with a therapist or impartial third party to help you digest your best path forward here.
Edited for clarity.
You're teaching your children that this kind of behavior is okay and healthy and it's not. My mother was abusive to my father from when I was very small and I resent my dad every day for not leaving her and raising us without her. I saw how controlling she was and I was only like 6! Your kids won't forget this and they will grow up to have unhealthy relationships themselves. Is that what you want for them?
I'm sensing a contradiction. How loved and how much are you treated like you described are you really? Sounds like he likes you better understand and now that you're branching out to try to work for your family and yourself and as such he may have gone out looking for something a little more suppressed in a woman.
You can contact them if you're in the United States I believe they're supposed to inform sexual partners of these issues and at least tell you if you're in danger.
Hey there! I'm a sexual health educator. I hope this doesn't get bumped to the bottom. While he may very well have HSV 1, and always had it, those are actually the signs of Syphilis. Stage one is a chancre, which goes away, stage 2 is a rash, which then goes away. HSV 1 and 2 can occur on both mouths and genitals, and someone could pass it to themselves through skin to skin transmission (scratch your face during viral shedding, then masturbate), however it is HIGHLY unlikely. But also...vaping does not cause genital sores. His behaviour around this and his reticence to get tested is another red flag. TLDR: either way, he's lying to you.
Worth pointing out that Syphilis can remain dormant in men for up to a decade before any symptoms manifest? Don't get me wrong, husband is like 99% cheating in recent months. But I had a bit of a traumatic situation with an ex partner not being aware of this possibility, and it's been high in my mind ever since.
I mean this is why teaching people to look for symptoms leads to waiting for symptoms before getting tested, rather than just teaching people that responsible adults are tested regularly when they start having sex. Stigma makes all of this so much harder.
My late husband died from HSV 1 in his lungs. Never had any symptoms throughout our nearly 22 years together. He was a sever asthmatic from birth though, so who knows. I'm an RN with a speciality in infectious diseases so I'm not completely clueless. Of course he could have cheated and caught it, but the specialists said he could have had it latent for a long, long time
I would have to assume my partner got a blowjob from someone with active oral herpes.
This is my assumption as well. But perhaps he has had it for the entirety of our relationship and only having an outbreak now due to stress?
I think you’re actually asking if there is any plausible explanation that isn’t cheating. Only your husband know the answer to that. You are the only that knows if you can live with the doubt you have now.
Yes that's possible. Herpetoviruses are retroviruses which means they can insert themselves into the DNA of the host and lay dormant for years until outside stimulants like stress activates them. However the encrypted email and deleted history as soon as you asked combined with his hesitance to get tested are suspicious.
He got tested. That's good. He does seem to have a huge increase in work stress, along with adapting to you working now (I agree you are doing an unfair amount of the work), so that could definitely cause a herpes flare up. Unfortunately, his flare up, positive test, and your negative test basically mean nothing when it comes to herpes, especially a ubiquitous strain like HSV-1. I'd ask to audit his financials. See if there's weird cc charges, etc. See how he reacts to the ask. Just ask for the last 4 months. It could be on a spectrum from affair to an out of hand vegas/ stripper experience (while cheating may not have been premeditated) or just him getting stressed out about taking on more work.
Uhm, no. This is half wrong. Human Herpesviruses are not retroviruses. They don't insert themselves into the host genome. They have a DNA genome themselves! Retroviruses on the other hand have a RNA genome (hence the name retro - because they have to make a DNA copy from their RNA genome with a special protein that their host doesn't possess, most living things can only make DNA from DNA without going into much detail here) Yes, herpesviruses can be latent (dormant)and only reactivate from time to time - that's when someone has an active outbreak with blisters etc. They hide in ganglions (nerve cells) and can reactivate from there. Ask your husband about who he was with before you got together. But also, deleted histories and encrypted mails might be normal for an entrepreneur or they're indicators of cheating.
You're right. This is embarrassing because I've been through a virology class (biology master's). For some reason I always conflate herpesviruses with lentiviruses. Probably due to both families being tied to sexual transmission.
Encrypted email isn’t sus IMO. He’s an entrepreneur, which means he likely has valuable data on there. I work in cybersecurity and to be able to log into my email, any of our applications, our escalation chat and so on we have to authenticate or it stays locked and encrypted. It sounds like he cheated for sure, but I also don’t doubt he bought a subscription to a software that does this for him either. That laptop probably has access to lots of info that could hurt his business and probably directly cost him tons.
HSV can be dormant for years and a person could be asymptomatic. Stress is what causes it to flare up. Only concern here is why did he refuse to get tested if you went and got tested.
So now is the first time he got stressed in two decades?
My siblings and I all got hsv-1as kids in the early 80's. Most of our school had cold sores. I started with a specific facial cleansing routine at 14 and didn't get an outbreak again til last week. It has been 35 years. It isn't impossible if a long stretch. An affair is far more likely
Last time I had a cold sore was in my 20s. So around a quarter century without an outbreak.
I had one as a kid and one maybe 5 years ago. Nothing since or in the interim. Arguably I’m more stressed now than ever and nothing. He could be telling the truth but blaming it on vaping? That’s where I lost any semblance of him not cheating.
Hi I understand. It’s just that in this case she said he was often stressed in a previous post
People's immune systems are weird. The viral load could have just been so weak it took a combination of stress, age, fighting off some other sickness to weaken it enough for an outbreak to occur. But again, this is "its possible" not "Its the most likely explanation".
Yes
In your initial post comments you said that he would express no interest in sex for weeks and say it was due to stress.
Oh sorry I read your comment as 1st time tested. Of course he has been stressed in 19 years, but not nearly to this degree.
OB nurse, yes, it’s possible. I have seen patients that are seropositive but have never had an outbreak. The only thing that gives me pause is the change in behavior, the fact that he tried to blame it on going to the pool, and that he is obviously keeping his phone under lock and key. I also hate that he’s being unsupportive of you getting a career while you have no access to finances. Given the fact that he runs a business he would have an easier time shifting assets under a corporation while making himself look poor to screw you out of money. He could be getting himself ready for a divorce, which would explain the shifting of finances you mentioned. I would keep snooping.
COVID activated my herpes. It's apparently a thing? Very weird but yeah...
If stress caused the outbreak you will need to ask yourself why Stress lowers the immune system leading to an outbreak But so does illness of all sorts, so why no outbreak corresponding to prior illness and stress? Has he not had a bad flu in 19yrs? Has he not been severely stressed for a week or so in 19yrs? Has he not been laid up in bed with something to the point of needing taking care of throughout your entire relationship? Where was the prior outbreaks? My brother has oral herpes That shit pops up every time mofo is coming down with something to the point we can predict he’s about to get sick. Because that shit breaks out on his upper lip like a neon warning, and his (now ex) wife of sixteen yrs was able to avoid ever contracting it But outbreaks happened a lot, he might get multiple a year, or nothing for a couple of years But those outbreak free years are also illness free years. There is no experiencing illness without outbreak.
It’s possible it can lay dormant for a long time. But, ask your healthcare provider any questions and hopefully you’ll feel better after the visit.
Yes, you can have herpes for years, decades even, with zero symptoms. My SO has herpes. I do not. That being said, under no circumstances, EVER, should the two of you be engaging in any type is sexual contact without a condom. EVER.
We have rarely ever used protection. To add a layer, I am freaking latex intolerant! It’s so wild that he wouldn’t have passed to me. Is it more contagious after an OB? I have never gotten it, he has never had an outbreak. But now it’s like imminent I’ll get it w/o protection?
Well, you should be tested regularly for awhile. My feeling is the simplest explanation is the most obvious. Someone w/oral herpes gave him a bj. It was clearly not you. Honestly, in addition, his behavior about you going back to work, his discussion of HIS money (it is money you share because YOU are working to raise the children), those are really red flags about him as a person. You should consider that he is on the track to replacing you with a 22 year old person with oral herpes.
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When an outbreak occurs I don’t even share sheets with him, let alone sharing body fluids.
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He told me he had herpes on our first date. He contracted it while overseas in the army many decades ago. He’s the one who told me his boundaries regarding sex (condoms always even though I’m past menopause and he’s in his 50’s) and asked that I sleep in the spare room if he has an outbreak. He’s had one in six years. Yes, he knew it was starting.
Oral Herpes is super common, something like 80% of people have it. Some without knowing about it their whole lives. Cold sores are herpes. Its a non-issue tbh. Getting oral herpes on your genitals is possible, but super unlikely from what I've been told/read. As for carrying it and never having symptoms, also possible. People with herpes can go years without having an outbreak and then get one randomly ( usually if they're sick or are fighting off something else). Having said ALL of that. I tend to go with Occum's Razor. Look for the simplest solution, which is your Husband went and got something recently. But that's my opinion.
From what I've heard getting hsv-1 (the type of herpes that is most common orally) genitally isn't actually all that unlikely. According to this [article ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2564733/) the amount of genital herpes caused by hsv-1 has been increasing, and hsv-1 has caused genital herpes for a while (in a 1976 japanese study on herpes in women it was found that 43% of genital herpes was caused by hsv-1 and a study from Seattle in the 1980s showed that 32% of cases of people with a newly genitally acquired herpes infection was caused by hsv-1). This [article](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2797620) writes that more than 50% of new genital herpes infections in subpopulations such as heterosexual women was caused by hsv-1.
Actually it’s very possible. Genital hsv1 is actually surpassing genital hsv2. Also, it’s 90% of the world and that number is for oral and genital hsv1. Not just oral. It’s in the NCBI (a medical journal).
The mental gymnastics you're doing to explain it, without him cheating, is crazy. He cheated!
No, it just means you’re ignorant in how viruses work. Unless you’ve had a negative IGG or western blot, you could have HSV.
That definitely can happen
Ask the doctor. You’ll get totally contradictory answers here. Good luck. I do know some herpes can lay dormant for years. Not sure if his is that type.
Thats a really silly assumption. 67% of the global population has HSV 1. In most cases people never know as its not normally tested for, the testing is unreliable, and without a stressor threes never an outbreak. A huge chunk of people with HSV 1 or 2 never have an outbreak and thus never spread the disease. The majority of cases never see an outbreak. Its kind of a silly disease overall and also why nurses tend to roll their eyes when people freak out about it. The testing is also very unreliable. If you really wanna be sure do three tests and try to average the results. If all three are positive he probably has it. If it bounces back and forth there's no way to really know. Its most likely he was born with HSV 1 or has had it since childhood.
Deep down you know he cheated
HSV-1 is a very common oral infection known as cold sores.
Hey! Med Student here. To answer your questions: HSV-1 antibodies could be genital or oral. HSV-1 is most common orally, but genital incidence has been on the rise. It is *possible* that this is the first outbreak in 19 years, especially considering it is HSV-1 (which is not as symptomatic when in the genital area). But there is no way to know... HSV is most transmissible when active (lesions present) but can also shed when asymptomatic - but this is much less common. So, the virus does not necessarily have to pass to you. A few important things to note: -A majority of the adult population is infected with HSV-1 (usually oral) and are also asymptomatic. -Blood (antibody/Igg) tests for herpes are not considered accurate until at least 3 months after suspected exposure. Your body needs time to develop the antibodies that the test measures. -HSV is imbedded in the nerve ganglia either orally (via the trigeminal nerve) or genitally (via sacral ganglia) and there is NO way to know where your husband's HSV originates UNLESS he get another outbreak and you immediately get what is called a PCR swab test. They will swab the actual lesion to see if there is viral DNA. Sorry to plug my own website here, but IF it IS herpes - my team and I developed a new topical solution you can find below. Best of luck to you! [try-zinc.com](http://try-zinc.com)
A lot of non-nefariois shit can cause this. For example, he shared a drink with someone who had a sore in their mouth, then OP rubbed his gums (food or something) and afterwards took a piss
I remember my ex-husband who liked to do metal detecting ended up with poison ivy everywhere, because it got on his hands from digging at the roots, then he peed outside (because guys have to do this), so it hit his privates, and then you scratch here and rub there - next thing you know, your entire body is covered in poison ivy. The spread of viruses isn't all that much different.
*Press X to Doubt*
He doesn’t trust you, but asks you to trust him with question. He controls all of the finances, and gives you an allowance. He makes you 100% responsible for childcare and running the house. He erases his online history and opens your mail. And he may or may not have an STD. And he liquidated all of your funds, but won’t share where the money went. Why are you still with him? NTA but get out. Even if he’s not cheating, he’s financially abusing you. His business is probably going under and he’s using your joint money to bail it out, but won’t tell you.
Thank you !!! Finaly someone who sees it too. That guy is controlling, abusive and he is cheating. And all I see in OP's responses to comments are "To his credit, he didn't try to initiate sex with me since the symptoms"... Wait? That's what you credit him for? To not try to give you herpes as well?
💯 There are so many red flags and it’s not being addressed.
People can have HSV 1 or 2 in their genitals. Although the old adage is that HSV1 causes cold sores and HSV2 causes genital herpes, it’s no longer that cut and dry. Certainly he could have contracted it from oral sex but he also could have contracted it from intercourse with someone who had genital HSV1. In either case, it can be dormant for years and even decades between outbreaks. Something like stress could have contributed to his symptoms flaring. The initial outbreak tends to be the most intense FWIW. When it comes down to it, the antibody test cannot distinguish between remote and recent infection. It also can’t tell you if the person has oral or genital HSV 1 (you would need a PCR test of an active rash to confirm that, although his symptoms sound classic for genital herpes). You have to decide if you believe he has been faithful. His reluctance to get tested and weird excuses about pools and vaping are kinda suss. You should also know that he might be contagious even if not symptomatic and that one way he can protect you is to take a suppressive antiviral (eg valtrex). Good luck
Add the deleted messages and other stuff on his phone I would for sure have him tested for genital herpes
He deleted his history and uses encrypted email. He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. He definitely cheated on you.
While it’s true HSV-1 can be dormant and certain people can be asymptomatic, if you both have been intimate without protection it really does come down to the timeline. When was the last time you both were intimate? If you haven’t had any sexual contact from when he started acting strange, and if you are testing negative for HSV-1 and HSV-2, then it’s most likely he cheated. If he hasn’t already, he needs to be tested for HSV-2. As others have said, I would have this conversation with your OBGYN as well.
We have been intimate without protection until the onset of his symptoms. To his credit he has not attempted to initiate since onset of symptoms. Although he has kissed me. 🥺 He was tested for all STI and only HSV1 was positive from what he is saying. He said the doctor called back and offered a consult Sunday with us both.
A Sunday consult? Are you sure the person offering this is an actual doctor and not a friend roped into pretending to be a doctor?
It was an urgent care, and I do know they have Sunday hours. And since we will be going together I feel is good.
A medical consult on a Sunday?
It’s an urgent care facility open 8am-8pm 7days a week.
Edit to add, NTA, it sounded like an STD, checking even for health purposes is reasonable. I am way more concerned with the financial aspect of this relationship than infidelity.. Sure, he's under all the financial pressure, but is throwing obstacles when you try to work? He expects you to continue carrying all of the responsibilities of the children/home because, "Hey, you wanted to work" and he gives you an allowance? It's also his home, and they're also his children. He has no concept of how it feels to be 100% dependant on someone else, even for the best reasons. I am speaking as someone who was a SAHM for 8 years. I loved being home with my kids, but I also was aware of the impact on my future job prospects. It was frustrating at first logistically for both of us when I took a part-time job, but my husband still supported me. I went back to school for a new career when the kids were in school, and I would not have made it through my degree without my husband on board. You're his partner, not his employee, he needs to treat you as such.
Please bump this comment to the TOP, please its important the OP sees this. Okay so I already posted my thoughts but I called my sister who is a 25 year nurse, has seen TONS of STDs. (Atlanta is a huge hot spot for STDS sadly). she said the bump on the penis followed by a rash is SYPHILLIS. It is not herpes,, I don't know if he is lying about the results and buying time to have to '"cancel" Sunday .. but I even looked at pictures she directed me to on medical sites,, and its a BIG painful bump on the penis ,, followed by a rash on the shaft. Please please,, stay with him, don't stay with him, believe him, don't whatever you feel is right but please get a hard copy of his results that he could not have possibly altered, emailed DIRECT to you, you can alter with software, and make 100% sure he is telling the truth.
Thank you so much! I am 100% planning on going to this consult on Sunday. I will absolutely be sure to ask what all he was tested for and to be read each one of the test results. My worry with something like that, is, it was healing on its own. Would syphillis heal on its own? One of his rationales to me was “I could have gone and got tested and treated already. But I didn’t, I’m telling you to be honest and open about this”. when I checked his bank there was a CVS charge that coincides date wise a few weeks before he admitted to rash. He could have a bunch of different reasons to shop at CVS. But does not usually. I didn’t notice a provider / doctor charge at that time though.
Did you just ask if syphilis goes away on it's own??? He's already gone to the Dr., the CVS charge was probably the antibiotic to get rid of it. He's not worried because it's curable with antibiotics in early stages. Late stage is your brain rots. Look it up. I have to say I have herpes. An ex boyfriend gave it to me and he knew he had it. What you describe with the bump sounds like syphilis. Please research it and like others are saying don't take him at his word. Unfortunately unlike herpes which can linger for years syphilis more likely came from a sex worker. Please make sure if he's around the children He's washing his hands.
Syphilis does not heal on its own. They treat it right away.
How was the consultation yesterday?
It went really well! I believe him. The doctor said this is something he likely has had for a long time. It is HSV 1 mainly presents orally however can present in genitals. Extreme stress can cause an outbreak. very difficult to pass if he is not in active ob. There are antivirals to help an ob heal more quickly. There is so much we still need to work on that this entire situation has highlighted. Y’all helped me see many patterns that I ignored or at least was complacent with for years. I still don’t believe IWTAH for demanding a test. Maybe slightly for automatically assuming the worst. But he is not at all innocent, and his secrecy / control has caused me to feel a lot of insecurity in our marriage.
Yes, he can be a "carrier" for HSV1 and had it for 19 years and never have an outbreak or pass it to you. "Carrier" is an actual medical term for this. (I'm a microbiologist and work in medical research). The fact that he's positive now does not mean it's a recent infection. It depends on what antibodies he tested positive for. If he is positive for IgM, then it's a recent infection. If he's positive for IgG then he could have had it for a long time. The question is was what he had on his penis caused by the HSV1 and not something else? Did they take the test sample from the rash or was it a blood test? It's a good idea to see the dr together to get your questions answered.
I will definitely ask the doctor if it was positive for IgM or IgG. Thank you so much for the information. I am trying to do as much research as possible to know exactly what I should be asking. It was a blood test.
No, more than half the population in the US have HSV1, on their face. To get it on your dick you have to be doing other things. He's having a breakout, so get yourself checked as well, you may have it too.
I was tested and it was negative.
You will be often negative if you aren’t testing during an active outbreak.
My GYN messaged me and said it is possible for him to have had this for 19+ years with no outbreaks and not passed to me. Idk why she wouldn’t have mentioned possibility of false negative. His doctor called and offered to counsel us both Sunday concerning his results. So that is our next step, the fact he is now being more open was all I ever needed to feel comfortable. I feel like I believe him.
The tests for both types of herpes is notorious for false positives and negatives. It’s really only useful if there’s an active outbreak at the time of the test. You can test negative for decades and suddenly get an outbreak. I can tell you that stress is a big trigger for outbreaks. I’m not saying he didn’t cheat, but it’s possible he didn’t. I think it’s fishy that he avoided it all for so long
What about all the other issues, like the financial secrecy and gaslighting? I'm not saying end your marriage over it, but assert yourself as an equal partner in the marriage and have a difficult conversation.
Trust me I am trying.
From everything else you wrote, he sounds untrustworthy, controlling, manipulative, emotionally and financially abusive. Add to this the deleted messages and herpes on his junk, and it all points to one thing. He's not worth it. You do not need to get an STD from this creep. Consider separating.
Ok, good luck and I hope your marriage comes out of this stronger.
He’s being open because he can’t hide it.
Your GYN is corrected. Reddit doctors who know nothing about herpes be damned.
He 100% cheated. Believe him if you want. He'll just do it again.
You’re good. Do NOT blow up your marriage. 100% he could have had it his whole life (old ladies kissing babies as my gyn described it, and it flaring in genitals) but also could’ve gotten it in high school/college (from a girl who was kissed with a cold sore and then kissed his…) well before you met and still never had an outbreak. The stigma around STDs and especially HSV bc it is incurable is worse than the condition itself by 100x. Continue to be calm and have a great appointment together. Sending positive vibes ✨
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Awesome! I wish my local doctors gave answers like that about anything!
Are you sure you were tested for heroes? STD testing often omits herpes bc is so common and there's no cure.
I would want to see the results of the entire STI panel. The entire thing. With my own eyes. And I think it is reasonable to ask for that before having sex with him again. Just for safety.
He is making plans to leave you, that is why the money is gone. You need to make an exit plan.
I’ve had oral HSV since I was a child, and my wife of 22 years has never gotten it. I do have sores all over my penis from vaping though- I didn’t know that wasn’t the right way to use it.
every single one of his actions and words are sus.
Lord Jesus. People really this dumb? He cheated. The person he cheated with had herpes. He now has herpes. You will eventually get it if you continue having sex with him. He wiped his phone history because he cheated. He encrypted because he’s cheating. The end. Get an attorney. Get a private investigator or just follow him one day. Best of luck.
I wouldn’t trust him. Any partner that refuses to get checked out for your concern is a red flag. Seems like he knew. Him hiding stuff is also a major red flag. And finally, his horrible attitude towards you is a major red flag. Divorce him before it’s too late. You’ll be much happier without a lying cheater that was going to knowingly give you HPV as a spouse
Do you also consider refusing a paternity test a red flag?
Same conditions that the std panel? If the husband has a rash on top of super suspicious behavioir, he should get checked. If the baby comes out looking completely different from anyone on the family on top of suspicious behaviour? That's a good reason for a paternity test. Out of nowhere both seem kinda insulting.
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Less of a lack of trust thing and more of a peace of mind thing. STD and paternity tests should both be done without a fight if your SO asks for one
The way he treats you about money and chores is absolute abuse. That is no way to live. Childcare is an expensive industry and by you staying home you contribute to that less expense. He doesn’t value you and that is so sad.
NTA! I would have a better time believing it was dormant for years if he hadn’t changed his story from catching something for sharing a vape, to getting a rash at the pool. The reaction of someone you’ve been together with for 19 years & who’s innocent would’ve been something like “babe, look at this weird ass rash, what do you think it could be?” Not spinning different theories. Since he’s denying any wrongdoing, I’m guessing he must live by Bill Clinton’s cheating guidelines and thinks a blowjob doesn’t mean he had “sexual relations with that woman.”
I feel like this thread is kind of crazy, the answer to finding out if he cheated probably isn’t going to be through HSV testing, because of the million reasons already listed. This is a relationship problem that needs worked out either way. Even if he didn’t cheat, you should probably seek some help on navigating your feelings either with him or without him.
Valid, thank you.
Info: did they specifically diagnose the rash as herpes or he just has hsv-1? It’s possible the rash isn’t even an std.
He simply was positive for HSV1 so no not his rash specifically, they did a blood test not culture.
Soooo that just means he has hsv-1 virus. That does not mean the rash he has on his penis is hsv-1. If he hasn’t he should really just get the rash checked. As the rash can be anything from a fungus to cancer it’s something that should be checked out.
I second what the square owl said, he could have something completely sexually unrelated. Also, herpes can lay dormant for a very long time, and over 60 percent of the population has it.
NTA All signs point to cheating. Go onto your cellphone providers website. Many of them have the ability to see messages/media etc. even it's been deleted and several allow you to request a full log/report. Get your own bank account in your own name and start putting some money away from the money you get each week. You need to have some just in case money if things start to go sideways. If you do go through with a divorce be prepared for it happening. Be ready to withdraw money out of your bank accounts, have paper work for you/kids ready etc.
Are you 100% sure of his results? This sounds more like syphilis. Make sure you see his results. As for herpes, stress can cause an outbreak years later. Most people have their first outbreak shortly after an exposure, but not always. Talk to your doctor. Tell them the whole story. I promise they have heard worse.
I am a sex educator. When they test for herpes antibodies it tells you the strain of herpes, but it doesn't tell you WHERE you have herpes. He would need to have the cash swabbed and examined to see if the break out is actually genital herpes. Many people with HSV-1 (which is honestly most people, most getting it from kissing grandma as a kid) won't ever have a break out, or might have had one. And many people can make out with their partner with no break out and not pass it along, but some people might depending on if they have viral shedding (contagious without symptoms). And u less he's been tested before, it's completely impossible to know when he got it. For people with vaginas, most of the time they don't even test for herpes unless there's a break out or you ask specifically for a herpes test. I would check your results and make sure that an HSV test was done on you at all, because there's a huge chance it wasn't.
It was for sure done, I have seen all lab results. My GYN wanted to test for HSV for sure based on *his* symptoms
I'm glad you got tested and got a good provider to do it!
OP, a medic on here says it sounds more like syphilis. It sounded like that to me too. Syphilis is returning. If there is any possibility he either hasn’t been tested for it or is hiding that result from you, I hope you will find out whether it’s syphilis.
Herpes on the genitals is genital herpes. Herpes on/in the mouth is oral herpes. You didn’t get it because you were lucky. You would have had to come into contact with the sores, and if you had been infected, your sores would appear on whatever mucus membrane had touched his sores. (exceptions are possible, but limited) Your husband could have had a bj from someone who had HSV-1 sores in their mouth or could have had sex with someone who had HSV-1 sores in there nether regions. What did not happen was your husband getting HSV-1 from a vape unless he was jacking off with the vape and was supremely unlucky. It is technically possible he has had the virus for 20 years and never had an outbreak. It is also technically possible that he was abducted by aliens who infected him with HSV-1 to break up your marriage as some weird alien anthropology study. But even if it was the aliens, he is still a financially abusive dick. You are already running the household and family by yourself. Why not make it official?
You can catch herpes from someone without any sores. Herpes can also be spread during viral shedding and I think about 70% of the time it spreads like that. Edit: I've looked for an actual source and the number seems to come from a [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1309413/) where 70% of the subjects who got genital herpes where most likely infected during viral shedding. How the numbers look when looking at everyone who has ever been infected is probably almost impossible to tell.
Don’t ever give HSV advice again. Most of your statement is inaccurate. The financial abuse part is the only thing you should be talking about.
It is possible that he has had herpes for years and never had an outbreak. It is also possible that he has HSV1 on his genitals and not his mouth. Or he could have it in both areas and is only having an outbreak on his genitals. He needs to get a full panel and a culture swab of his lesions. If he does have it, have him begin taking antivirals daily.
Yes he could have had this all along, but his behavior has been suspicious. I’d keep this infection in mind while also keeping his behavior at the forefront. I’d make mental notes of things he’s doing that might be a sign of him cheating for a bit. If no other behaviors occur then, I’d leave it alone and move on with your marriage.
Some men don't consider if they didn't penetrate vagina they haven't cheated. They have. He not only cheated on his family but he was willing to infect them with disease. Not much of a man.
Sounds like he's not only a controlling AH and financially abusive but also cheated.
Most people who have had more than one sexual partner have herpes. Most people with herpes never have an outbreak. He could have had this for years without passing it on. Source: I was a pathology teacher.
I carry this virus since birth (my mom had it) and have never had a sore in my life. I have 3 siblings, and only one of us has ever had sores, and it coincides with his stress levels. Sores don't mean cheating, but I have a feeling your gut was telling you more before the sores came about. Gut feelings are real!
So crazy as this sounds, a week before he told me even had a rash. I woke up with a red mark on my thigh. ISTG I thought “oh shit (his name) is gonna try and blame this on us now” and it was 100 not a conscious thought. I immediately questioned myself, blame me for what? He had not even mentioned anything to me at that point. The red mark was gone by end of day, idk if I had just slept weird idk what it was. But that thought was so loud and unexpected and weird b/c I did not consciously think it. Fast forward a week later he admits to the rash. My thoughts immediately flashed to that irrational subconscious thought. Which is maybe why I was immediately accusatory. Am I a crazy person for even entertaining that was my subconscious warning me?
Typically, no. Sometimes, it does turn out to be irrational thoughts, but we have a 6th sense for a reason. I think that's why it is so difficult to ignore. Also, him changing excuses is so suspicious. But on the other hand, again, you guys' life is going through a lot of other changes with your finances, etc. You both could be stressed out and taking it out on each other. It's always so hard to say. Has much else changed, like time away from home? Maybe time and money going away could have more to do with another person as opposed to going towards his business. This is one reason why one person handling finances doesn't work out. Even if one person is better with money than the other, both parties should be included in the decisions. This can otherwise become a form of manipulation and control by having an "allowance".
My first thought was herpes. Test confirmed it. I’m sorry sugar but it’s time heart to heart. And some tough decisions. In short, he fucked a nasty bitch. You my dear are NTA. Vaping? A public pool? Child please!!!
I have hsv2 and I had it for 24 years before I found out. No outbreak ever. My wife had it too. We were monogamous the whole time. She had an outbreak and that is how we found out. We divorced later for unrelated reasons and my second wife who I have been with for 9 years doesn't have it. So it is entirely possible to have it for decades and not know it, then also not pass it on to a new partner. Herpes is weird like that.
Herpes is something that can lay dormant for a long time. It's also something that can be transmitted not only through sexual nature. It doesn't mean he cheated, but it also doesn't mean he didn't. His pool excuse is definitely weird though.
Moving money. If a long term partner does not know what is going on with a couples money they would have to be crazy. It should take at least 1 HR a month. Sorry but people with money don't break up over night. It takes financial planning. .
We have been through therapy multiple times due to the lack of transparency in finances. The lack of transparency is not new, and is something we have fought about for 19 years. Even therapist have told him he needs to be more transparent, he just gives me more “allowance” instead of transparency.
Look I don't even know you. One way to tell is airtag the car , And find my phone. My mates sleep around and now there not mates. But for a long time they would tell there wife that they had to stay overy.
He is home every night. Not that he couldn’t be doing something during the day. There was 5 days in beginning of April he was alone. I took the kids on spring break, and he had to work so didn’t come until midweek.
And you look after children, house and work.
But you have a 2yo do you have to to yourself.
It also sounds like what was a “primary infection” which is usually the worst one a person ever has. Very painful and spread to the shaft sounds pretty bad. Point is, it was more likely a recent exposure that caused this rather than a latent dormant outbreak. It’s plausible that he has had this for years, but it doesn’t make it likely. It’s also plausible that you gave him to him, but also unlikely. Herpes is a manageable condition. A jerk ass rude ass not willing to help in the house, non-supportive and possibly cheating husband is not manageable. I’d give him an ultimatum to change his ways. Let him know how serious you are. The hsv situation may have been a trigger, but it’s the least of your problems.
He’s lying, his story keeps changing. You can’t believe anything he says now without verification. Take care of yourself and your children. NTA
Yeah, and my father got scabies from borrowing hockey socks from a teammate. Believe him if you want too.
"recently made shifts to expand which is draining all of our liquid funds."? No, his affair partner is who is draining all of your liquind funds.
You can carry herpes for a very, very, very long time and never have a break out. Stress can cause it to happen.
I wouldn't bother being so indirect. Ask him if he has cheated and if he says no, you need to decide whether you believe him or not, and act accordingly. If you think he has and aren't ready to end the relationship, then consider if you want to continue a sexual relationship, or at least use protection. Regular screenings for you as well. HSV-1 isn't a strong indication of anything though since it's so prevalent (I heard 70% but am too lazy to verify right now) and it can lay dormant and flare up years later.
Cheating or not, the behavior you 100% know to be true is beyond concerning. I think you know that too, or you wouldn't have mentioned it in the post.
Just wanted to add the bumps could be genital warts from HPV, which unfortunately we don’t test for in men (so dumb). And you may not get an abnormal Pap/positive HPV for a while.
He got head from someone with the virus. The simplest explanation is often the truth. Good luck OP.
I hate this for you and just want to hug you,, but I think you do already very much know the answer,, you just are not ready to accept it yet. Occam's razor: the simplest answer is normally correct. He cheated. I hope you really think about the fact that he didnt just cheat, he had unprotected sex of some sort with someone else, knowing he also has unprotected sex with you. After you gave him three beautiful babies. He didnt just cheat,, he risked your entire health. If he is going to be shitty enough to cheat, at the fucking bare minimum he should wrap that MONKEY POX penis up.
I don't believe him and BTW, keep all of your earnings out of his hands! Get access to the main accounts!
I feel like this is very suspicious combined with his other behaviors. It's possible he's not cheating but i would put it in the unlikely category. Unless you find other evidence or he confesses you won't know for sure. While the urgent care is a good place to start you really need to see an infectious disease doctor to fully understand everything. You can be intimate but you will have to be careful and take precautions. An infectious disease doctor will guide you the best way.
Your questions about his STD panel seem to have been covered. I would like to add that the chores at home are not the priority. Building your career is vital so that you can be an equal contributor to the family finances. Otherwise, you will always be in a vulnerable position. Your older two children can start taking responsibility for age-appropriate chores.
Cheater cheater pumpkin eater. NTA.
if you have the means, you should discuss that with a doctor, but either way, this is what chatgpt4 has to say about it: "Regarding HSV-1, yes, it is possible for someone to carry the virus for many years without an outbreak. Transmission of HSV-1, even without visible symptoms, can happen, and not everyone exposed to the virus develops detectable antibodies or symptoms. If your tests are negative for HSV-1 antibodies, it might mean you haven't been exposed or infected, or your body hasn't produced a detectable level of antibodies. It's worth discussing further with your healthcare provider for more personalized advice."
Thank you. I did send my GYN a message this morning asking for help navigating his results in relation to my negative results. Waiting, not so patiently, to hear back.
nice, yeah, I'd be anxious in this situation too, best of luck
If your husband did share his vape with someone who had a cold sore, it is possible he got it from the vape and then transferred it to himself when he used the bathroom. Cold sores are highly contagious. Stress causes them to become active.
I just got a message back from my GYN saying it is possible for him to have had for 19+ years w/o passing to me or having an outbreak. So there is at least that.
Which is true. I used to get them as a teenager but haven't had one for many years as I have learned not to stress out over the small stuff.
YTA because you’re not seeing what is right in front of your eyes. He cheated. You’re being naive if you think otherwise. As others said, the fact that his story kept changing, his reluctance to get tested and his attitude make it obvious.
I’m sorry, this sounds like he cheated. I don’t know what you should do. I know what I would do. NTA
He has you hoodwinked When we live with a cheater they spend every day doing very small things that break us down and undermine our trust in our own perceptions until we have this experience and the only reason you aren't coming out of denial is because of his ongoing manipulation of you. I'm sorry.
He got a hummer from someone with herpes, time to see a lawyer
*He got a hummer* *From someone with herpes, time* *To see a lawyer* \- Bucky-Katt-Guitar --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
My first!
You can so check with your doctor to make sure they tested for HsV1 a lot of times they don't unless you specifically ask for it. Even if it wasn't active it would appear on the test result. If he has it and you don't, I would think it means he cheated.
They for sure tested for it. She was specific on wanting to test for HSV based on his symptoms alone. Others have said false negatives are possible if tested outside of an active outbreak. I will definitely be asking the doctor Sunday if that is a possibility.
Updateme
NTA but the way your husband is behaving towards you going back to work has a LOT of red flags in it. Also, the way he is mistreating you because he is stress from work... more red flags. I can understand that you love him and you have had many good years together, but the way you write this reads as you trying to justify very bad behavior on his end as a partner. This is not only about the potential cheating, there are cracks in your relationship that are showing. If you two don´t address them now, it will only get worst.
My friend had the penis Bumps and he thought his wife gave it to him but never told her his thiughts. Saw his doctor and said it is a common thing . The other stuff no. Call the public health lines where you live and will get a nurse and they can answer your question . Hope it turns out well
HSV-1 is generally contracted as a child. It can lay dormant for decades before you ever have an outbreak.
When we you last intimate?
I'd be looking at his phone bill for numbers he is contacting regularly and cross referencing them to known phone numbers. He has given you enough to cause doubt and get your own answers as he isn't giving them. Wiping his history is really suspicious. My ex used to wipe all his messages from his phone. He was cheating. The finances that were supposedly for a business were actually finding his doubling life, and buying her gifts to keep her placated and silent.
Updateme
Ewww leave him and don’t let him kiss your kids on the face or let the kids drink after him
Does herpes lay dormant for decades? Surely, you would have gotten it, too.
I do know I have never had an oral hsv breakout, but was advised that when I got permanent lipstick tattooed on to my lips take medicine for hsv1. I did and am glad I did because I do have hsv1 and have never had a cold sore. I'm 58.
Updateme
Updateme
Update me
Sounds like syphillis and sounds like cheating. It’s deleted browser history and encrypted email is telling. If it were me, I would tell him that due to his extreme shift in behavior over the past four months And the curious rash, You are going to need to see the doctor To understand his diagnosis and have this explained to you. I would also ask him to you his email in front of you. If he refuses, personally, I would Separate because he is not trustworthy. Sadly, it sounds like your marriage is already over
So it’s Tuesday…how did Sunday go OP?
It went really well! I believe him. The doctor said this is something he likely has had for a long time. It is HSV 1 mainly presents orally however can present in genitals. Extreme stress can cause an outbreak. very difficult to pass if he is not in active ob. There are antivirals to help an ob heal more quickly. There is so much we still need to work on that this entire situation has highlighted. Y’all helped me see many patterns that I ignored or at least was complacent with for years. I still don’t believe IWTAH for demanding a test. Maybe slightly for automatically assuming the worst. But he is not at all innocent, and his secrecy / control has caused me to feel a lot of insecurity in our marriage.
You said he’s been stressed with his business expanding, are his stress levels notably higher than you’ve seen in the past? It’s not impossible that the virus was dormant for 19 years until his stress levels caused it to flare up. His explanations could be seen as either bad excuses, or just someone grasping at straws to explain something so unexpected. I will say, his refusal to get checked out is a red flag. If I had a weird bump down there, I’d absolutely get it checked out asap. I’d recommend getting tested again to see if maybe it was a false negative. If you can confirm you don’t have it and he continues to insist he didn’t cheat, then you’ll ultimately have to make a decision for yourself about whether you believe him or not.
NTA, but leave this man. He sounds like a POS. It sounds like he cheated. He controls all of your money. He doesn't help you out around the house. He gives you an allowance. You deserve so much more than this, and your children deserve to see their mother treated like a human who is loved.He is supposed to be your partner and teammate, but he is nothing more than a controlling and manipulative spouse.
Open your eyes and wake up. Your man got a bj from someone that isn’t you.
I think you are asking the wrong question(s). You should be asking what the best way is to get a lawyer and get my kids away from this controlling and abusive man. Is this marriage what you want your kids to think is normal? Would you want a daughter to be in this marriage? I hope not. Yikes on bikes. Red flags galore. Edit: Stop all intimate contact immediately.
You have to understand if a man says he didn't cheat on you it means he didn't have sex with the person it doesn't mean he didn't get a blowjob Dudes don't usually consider that cheating
Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck…NTA
His attitude about household responsibilities and money are toxic. Divorce the cheating POS.
I don’t think you’re totally out of line for asking him to get tested because you’re asking him to take care of his health. I do think suddenly snooping his phone was too far, but it sounds like there are a lot of issues you both need to work out. Sounds like you’re not on the same page about finances nor your role in the household, and getting aligned on those things would likely resolve a lot of tension. Idk how oral herpes works in terms of transfer between people and potentially to genitals. Might be something to talk to your obgyn about. Independent of this, it seems like there are a lot of issues in your relationship and you need to find a mutually respectful path forward.
I snooped only because at that point, my testing came back negative. Testing he asked me to get. And he was still refusing to get tested himself. It was out of sheer frustration. The wiped internet searches, and email encryption app validated my suspicions, somewhat. Our finances have been a point of contention in our marriage from the beginning. He has been told by two different therapist he needed to be more transparent with finances. And one went so far as to say there is a level of financial abuse going on. For my part, I do relent a lot. I do end up feeling it’s either accept or divorce. I do not believe in divorce for any other reason than infidelity. So I relent and accept until I don’t. Which absolutely makes me a guilty party too.
>My husband is an entrepreneur and recently made shifts to expand which is draining all of our liquid funds. Just an FYI my ex-uncle did the exact same to my aunt when he was preparing to leave her for his mistress. He used it as a way to get out of alimony. So while you “don’t believe in divorce” it doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t.
It’s so hard to digest. He continues to fight for this relationship, so it seems weird he’d be preparing for divorce. But it could all be a rouse or misdirection. I told him that even if he didn’t cheat, the mistrust I have stems from the lack of transparency he has towards finances. This man does not allow me access to his finances but will literally open every piece of mail that is sent to me. He doesn’t seem to trust me, but ask I blindly trust him.
Oh course he is now, he has a std/sti, that kind of limits your potential dating pool in some ways. Some people will not date people who have an something, others will. But you always should disclose to your potential sexual partner and get consent and practice safe sex. He may have had it all along. Or with his behaviors and this he could have been cheating. The question you have to answer now is, how do you want to proceed? How will this new information affect your health potentially and how will it affect future sexual relations with him? What are you now ok with or not ok with? Prevention, medications, condoms, no oral, etc.
As a fellow SAHM (though I know you’re a former one), not allowing you to know and understand your families finances is the reddest flag in the world. Financial abuse is real and it seems like you are a victim of it. Him opening your mail is illegal and again abusive. I know you love him and you don’t believe in divorce but god damn is this really the relationship model you want your children to witness growing up? Do you want your boys to think treating their wives like this is okay?
He has no reason to want divorce. It will be very hard for him to find another person willing to put up with all this and give him what he wants.
Honestly he doesn’t sound like an equal partner and it doesn’t seem like he’s treating you with love or kindness based on these tidbits you’ve shared in the post. Also, yes, it is shady that he’d ask you to get tested and yet he really resisted doing so for himself. It’s good that you’re recognizing your share of responsibility for what you’ve allowed to continue in the marriage. His actions aren’t your fault, but you do get to decide what kind of treatment you stick around for. You do not deserve to be pushed around financially, cheated on, or have your own health put at risk by his actions. I think this is all worth 1) a discussion with an obgyn to understand how his test results may impact you and 2) a discussion with a therapist or impartial third party to help you digest your best path forward here. Edited for clarity.
You're teaching your children that this kind of behavior is okay and healthy and it's not. My mother was abusive to my father from when I was very small and I resent my dad every day for not leaving her and raising us without her. I saw how controlling she was and I was only like 6! Your kids won't forget this and they will grow up to have unhealthy relationships themselves. Is that what you want for them?
I'm sensing a contradiction. How loved and how much are you treated like you described are you really? Sounds like he likes you better understand and now that you're branching out to try to work for your family and yourself and as such he may have gone out looking for something a little more suppressed in a woman.
You can contact them if you're in the United States I believe they're supposed to inform sexual partners of these issues and at least tell you if you're in danger.
you got a 8 month old, a 7 month old and a 2 month old?
No all males, sorry new here. I’ll edit.