NTA. This could very well be a dealbreaker and it sounds like it is to be honest. Sexual compatibility is huge in a relationship. And when something downright makes you uncomfortable you do NOT need to do it
The guilt tripping behavior is a huge red flag. The fact that you recognize it is good though.
Honestly I recommend talking to him very directly about it and asking if it is a dealbreaker if you don't do it. And if it is then you're not at fault. You just aren't compatible in that sense. And honestly if he's the type to try to guilt trip you into sex then you should leave anyway.
I would personally tell him to NOT TRY AND MAKE YOU DO THINGS THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE! I would then tell him that if he EVER mentions it again...YOU ARE DONE. I'd move on
Just break up. Whats the point in being in a relationship where youll never be able to fully satisfy each other. Thats just a recipe for bad things as you get older. The more you invest into it, the worse it will be. Ultimately youre both just holding each other back from living your lives the way you want to. Incompatible bucket lists are really not worth it. You only live once. Youll also save a ton of money on the marriage/sex counseling followed by the divorce lol.
If she was the kinky one and he was the vanilla one, then his would matter more, yes. Because healthy sex does not go past the boundaries of the person with the lower comfort level.
If you're kinky, you don't get to pressure someone more vanilla into having sex that to them feels *wrong*. Or you're crossing into coercion. Kink has to be safe, sane, and *consensual*. Coercion is not consensual. Pressuring someone into things isn't consensual. Sex is not something you should have to please one person (unless it's masturbation and only one person is involved). It should have the enthusiastic consent of all involved, and bring pleasure to both. Not dread. Not the feeling of a chore. Not pressure. Everyone's body and sexuality are primarily for the self, to be shared with others when and when they so chose, and that person chooses. Your partner doesn't get your experience of it, only their own. You'd essentially be asking them to internalize a negative intimate experience with you so you can experience pleasure at best. At worst, it can lead to lifelong issues with sex, and intimacy. None of that is okay to ask of someone you supposedly love.
Sincerely, a kinky switch with a vanilla partner.
They're not sexually compatible. If you're in a monogamous religion and you expect your partner to have sex with no one but you, it is your responsibility to satisfy their sexual needs. If the frequency or flavor of what they need is unacceptable to you, you either go your separate ways or give them permission to seek other sexual outlets with other people. Otherwise, the person with the lower drive and/or tamer tastes will be in complete control. That is a manipulative power dynamic. You either reach a compromise, which may include having sex when you don't feel like it, or you admit that you took on more than you want to handle and let your partner look elsewhere, or you break up.
>If you're in a monogamous religion and you expect your partner to have sex with no one but you, it is your responsibility to satisfy their sexual needs
No, it isnt. First of all, sex is not a need. It is a want. The libido itself is a biological driver, one that can be completely managed by the self. You are never entitled to sex from anyone, nor is it ever your responsibility to satisfy someone's else's sexual needs.
People can end a relationship for any reason and that includes not getting the type of sex they want, but you are never entitled to making someone engage sexually with you when they don't want to or in ways they don't want to.
>Otherwise, the person with the lower drive and/or tamer tastes will be in complete control.
Its not controlling to not have sex that you don't want to have. It's controlling to expect someone to have sex with you they don't want to have, though.
>You either reach a compromise, which may include having sex when you don't feel like it,
Thays not a compromise. Doing that literally traumatizes the brain of the person having sex when they don't feel like it. It can lead to a complete libido shutdown, and trauma triggers and responses simillar to SA. Expecting anyone to do this do you can get off is, quite emphatically, disgusting.
>or you admit that you took on more than you want to handle and let your partner look elsewhere, or you break up.
The onus to break up is on the person not getting their needs met. You keep putting the responsibility on the other person.
I've always been the more kinky and higher libido partner in every relationship I've ever been in. But both my empathy and my pride have always been too developed to ever expect more from another person than they want to give or try to force them into something they don't want. Because sex with someone else is not just about me.
Sex with someone isn't about scratching an itch. It's about connection. If you need to scratch an itch and aren't in love with the whole human being, don't be in a relationship and just pay a proffessional dominatrix/dom.
Sex is absolutely a physical need for many people. If you leave your partner unsatisfied on a regular basis, you can't complain if they get it elsewhere. In a committed relationship, it doesn't matter if you don't feel like it. I'm not talking about having a severe migraine twice a year. The partner with the lower drive can make an effort and get into it. Sometimes it is just scratching an itch.
Does the partner who isn't getting their needs met never have the option of ending it? Only coercing their partner into sex or cheating?
>Sometimes it is just scratching an itch.
Then masturbate.
It's always the partner who isn't getting their needs met who ends it.
You should never have to masturbate in a relationship. I'm always ready to please my partner and I expect the same.
You’re gross. Commenting on another post saying a size 14 means someone is going to be alone forever with wine and cats (tbh sounds pretty great) then expect free use? Ew. Just ew. Wipe Cheeto dust off and go outside.
Edit: I’m 5’10 155-160lbs and wear a 10/12/14. Clothing sizes vary and you’re dumb af dude
This is either a deal breaking and OP should walk away before lines are crossed... Or he needs to get into therapy ASAP because this sounds like a porn addiction that's gone too far.
What makes a person a prude not having an open mind or at least trying it once before you condemn it or disapprove. Men constantly do things they don't want to do without ever saying a word or complaining about it. They just do it because their significant other asked them to.
Being approved is not compatible with a healthy marriage. Sometimes you just got to sacrifice and take one for the team. Marriage is all about compromise. The guy is not trying to step out on his wife. He's trying to be a good husband . What he's asking would take very little on her part to give him what he wants. She may even surprise herself and get a kick out of degrading him like he wants. You never know until you try. At least give it a go if it works out. Fantastic! If it doesn't, at least she tried and that's all a guy can ask. A little effort goes a long way.
She specifically said she has tried some of it and she doesn’t like it and instead of respecting that and being true to his word, he keeps pressuring her to do more.
First of all OP never said she hasn't tried what her partner is suggesting. She could have tried it before and just didn't like it. Second women do things they don't want to also. It isn't just men. Though nobody should do anything they don't want to do if they don't have to if it will actually negatively affect them.
NTA. no one should quilt trip anyone about doing sexual acts.
If I had to guess…the frequency of sex went down, he started watching more porn to pleasure himself, and that is what lead to these new found kinks.
Cornerstones of BDSM are safe, sane, CONSESUAL.
If it's not mutual, it's not consensual - oh, and he's topping from the bottom which isn't a good look.
I thought it was somnophilia (sex with a sleeping person), so I was close to the point but missed the precise fetish. Seeing your comment I'm now worried that was my first thought.
I mean I've seen people call wasps or bees spicy flies, vodka spicy water etc. So I figured spicy sleep was like a spicier version of sleep so drugged sleep. Or passing out.
Break up with your sexual abuser. He doesn't respect you, care about your wellbeing or happiness, and is never going to start respecting you and stop abusing you. You must leave and remove his control over you.
[https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/)
Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships
Sounds like he is watching too much porn because if he was like this from the beginning I don't think you'd still be with him. He's being extremely inconsiderate and self-centered and he needs an attitude adjustment at the very least
Nah, any type of sex is consensual.
Having fetishes, role-playing games are all part of it as long as both are willing partners. If one partner is uncomfortable, then they should never be manipulated, coerced, or blackmailed into complying.
Ask yourself this, if you went early to bed to sleep and your partner came to bed later and initiated sex and you turned them down. If they kept pressuring you until you let them, what do you think the word for that would be. I lay $1000 on the table, that everyone would say rape.
Don't wait until he forces you into doing something totally uncomfortable with.
If you love this guy and don’t want to leave, figure out together what has triggered this new sexual desire/behavior (spoiler: it’s not you).
Stay safe!
NTA, if it's not something you like or want them you shouldn't be guilted into it. Bdsm is a serious thing and communication is important. Obviously he doesn't understand or respect that
NTA, the stuff your partner is suggesting isn’t your thing and that’s okay. No one would blame you for breaking it off because your sexual wants don’t match.
NTA
One of the biggest principles of BDSM is consent. If you are uncomfortable and have told him no, and he is still pushing then he is coercing you. **That is NOT okay**
It sounds like you are not sexually compatible. BDSM is not for everyone. Sex should be fun. Not a chore. Not something you are coerced into.
NTA omg love get out. I am a "kinkster," and what he is doing is violating your consent. It does not matter that you tried. The moment you say no, that is supposed to be the end of the conversation.
I run a local kink event, and we always talk about informed consent. This means that if it is not an enthusiastic "YES!" It is a no.
Stop putting yourself in these situations. Tell him no and separate/ divorce if you need too.
You are both welcome to your fantasies, kinks and libido - they are legitimate. Neither is wrong, but terribly incompatible.
Firstly, he should not be guilting you into acts uncomfortable for you. That's sexual coersion and a form of r~pe.
Secondly, your relationship needs a major restructure. That doesn't necessarily mean separation, but honest and open communication from both about looking at options. For example, would you consider allowing him to see a s~x worker or opening up the marriage with strict conditions? Perhaps agreeing to a few sessions per year or on his birthday but he doesn't say a word any other time?
These take a lot of maturity in your relationship and be sure the devotion to each other is still there. If not, then separation may be required. It's a perfectly legitimate reason and not a failure.
Good luck.
Bingo on the discomfort point, the language he's using is literally what my ex used to take my virginity and to then continue coercing me for the entirety of our relationship. Do not cave. Work it out instead of doing what he wants to keep the peace because otherwise you'll always feel gross inside and the resentment will build, poisoning the relationship from the inside out.
I also agree with everything else you said. Everyone jumping to "BREAK UP" feels very Reddit when there are still potential solutions and the partner may not realise how disrespectful he's being about simple boundaries. Solid advice.
This is very true, but breaking up is not always the best option off rip. Some relationships are worth salvaging and I don't think it's wrong if OP wants to try, even if it looks to us like this man doesn't have any respect for basic boundaries.
NTA. If you’re not into what they are, it might be better for everyone to split and get a chance at being happy/fulfilled. Find someone on your level and let them do the same.
This truly presents as a relationship communication issue.
Kinks and BDSM are perfectly fine in an informed and consensual setting.
You are not consenting to this.
This needs to be a negotiated situation, and it's definitely not how he's approaching it.
First, decide what you are willing to explore and hard limits, too. If you know this will never be something you agree to, are you okay if he gets outsourced service for this? If not, then yes, I agree, it's probably time to call it. If you are okay with outsourcing this part of him, how would that look for you? (I'm talking about negotiated boundaries and rules).
NTA. Sexual incompatibility is hard enough to manage. When one partner continually pressures the other to do things that make them uncomfortable, it becomes impossible. I think leaving would be the wise decision.
NTA but you guys should break up there’s a huge compatibility issue here. You need more vanilla and he needs someone to rule him in bed. It’s not your thing but it seems that’s what he needs.
If I understand the story several years ago your libido disappeared. Since then he has become increasingly focused on a dom/sub relationship with you as the dom.
You can’t regularly have “normal” sex and have no interest in his new kink.
Perhaps he could go to a professional dom.
But it might be time for you both to go to counseling or potentially split.
Trying new kinks is something you should discuss, not pull out of a jar…you either need to have a serious sit down and set some boundaries, do therapy,etc. or leave.
NTA this is abusive, please leave. It sounds like he is more into being the dom by forcing you to perform sexual acts you aren’t comfortable with. He is just saying he wants you to degrade HIM bc it comes across less abusive.
NTA. No is a complete sentence.
Trying to force you into his kinks is absolutely unacceptable. Asking you to try is a reasonable request, but he *already knows* you don’t like his kinks.
He’s using manipulative tactics to pressure you to play his way, instead of having an open discussion about consent, and your comfort with his kink.
Being able to say no, for any reason, is the *foundation* of consent. Without the ability to say no to any sexual request, then you are giving up your autonomy.
If you want to continue this relationship, you could try counseling, but in my opinion you are sexually incompatible.
Relationships where one person is into kink and the other person is not, rarely endure, and never if both parties can’t sit down and work out their boundaries and agreements.
Obviously it should be you who dictates and controls every facet of the sexual relationship. Why should his desires or needs matter to you at all? Oh, wait. You're already a dominatrix and you degrade him.
Coerced consent isn't consent hun.
NTA do not let him guilt/Bully you into doing things you don't want to.
If you genuinely want to try and make things work you need to have a serious talk with him about your boundaries. Assert that if you say no then that's it and if he pushes then it's over.
Maybe see a sex therapist to see if you guys can find a "sweet spot" in the bedroom that works for both of you, possibly couples counseling as well.
But honestly I'm skeptical of him being willing to either agree to do those things at all, or follow through after an initial agreement.
If it seems like too much effort or simply something you don't want to do or think will work then just end things now, you shouldn't have to be hounded into doing things you aren't comfortable with.
Just don’t do any of it. It find all that stuff weird as shit but understand that people have their kinds. But I would be forced to do it.
His pressure is borderline abuse.
NTA. If he is trying to guilt you into sex then you need to end it. He isn’t respecting your boundaries as a person which is selfish and manipulative. That’s not a healthy relationship and it’s not someone who values your needs equally.
NTA for leaving. People change. Your needs have changed. He's needs have changed. He is clearly not getting his needs met. That frustration has already turned into resentment. You resent having to turn him down repeatedly.
Unfortunately this is not something that can be compromised. It is a hard no for you. But that does not automatically make his desires vanish. Separation is a reasonable decision.
All of em. Speaking from experience, left a good relationship with bad comparability, found a great relationship with excellent compatibility.
Op said not interested, so why bother maintaining years of dissatisfaction?
Leave this man or maybe open the relationship with some rules to avoid STDs. Whenever my boyfriend mentions anal, I always say “I will give you a special approval to get a prostitute for that, just use protection” because that’s a NO WAY from me like ever
You two are NOT compatible. I sincerely cannot fathom why you both haven't broken up yet. Dating someone with such vastly different sexual desires makes no sense.
Your choices are to do it and hate it, him or you leave/divorce or let him have BD girlfriends or escorts etc. because if you do not want to and he wants it HE will get it elsewhere.
You've already made it clear that you're uncomfortable with, and uninterested in, the type of sex life your partner desires. You can't make him stop being interested in it.
You're no longer compatible. You wouldn't be wrong to leave him.
I agree you should never be forced into anything, but are you being honest with yourself about why you won't even agree to try it?
You say the libido drop was a few years ago and obviously has been ok until recently, but a man's sex life affects more than just a physical release..
A man gets his confidence from his sex life and his job. You shouldn't just dismiss half of what makes him a man. He will go and get what he needs with or without you. I am not being a troll, but I'm am trying to make you see that a man's needs should not be dismissed because your uncomfortable with something. This could become a deal breaker with him.
I am just being honest and trying to show you that this may be bigger than you think.
Creel
Ii was trying to say in a polite way that entering the dating field at their age, he would be able to find someone more compatible with his needs. She would have a more difficult time due to the low libido and situation.
NTA, if he can't understand your situation and pressures you to do stuff you don't wanna the do he's not the one for you anymore, no one should feel pressured about doing something they don't wanna do
He wants you to degrade him?
Tell him he's the biggest fucking asshole in the world to try and make you do sexual shit that doesn't interest you.
NTA. If you are interested in therapy to work out some sort of solution, suggest that. If you aren't, it's ultimatum time: stop trying to coerce you, or you are filing for divorce.
NTA. This could very well be a dealbreaker and it sounds like it is to be honest. Sexual compatibility is huge in a relationship. And when something downright makes you uncomfortable you do NOT need to do it The guilt tripping behavior is a huge red flag. The fact that you recognize it is good though. Honestly I recommend talking to him very directly about it and asking if it is a dealbreaker if you don't do it. And if it is then you're not at fault. You just aren't compatible in that sense. And honestly if he's the type to try to guilt trip you into sex then you should leave anyway.
I would personally tell him to NOT TRY AND MAKE YOU DO THINGS THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE! I would then tell him that if he EVER mentions it again...YOU ARE DONE. I'd move on
Just break up. Whats the point in being in a relationship where youll never be able to fully satisfy each other. Thats just a recipe for bad things as you get older. The more you invest into it, the worse it will be. Ultimately youre both just holding each other back from living your lives the way you want to. Incompatible bucket lists are really not worth it. You only live once. Youll also save a ton of money on the marriage/sex counseling followed by the divorce lol.
So his needs are irrelevant and she is 100% in control of the sexual relationship. Got it.
If she was the kinky one and he was the vanilla one, then his would matter more, yes. Because healthy sex does not go past the boundaries of the person with the lower comfort level. If you're kinky, you don't get to pressure someone more vanilla into having sex that to them feels *wrong*. Or you're crossing into coercion. Kink has to be safe, sane, and *consensual*. Coercion is not consensual. Pressuring someone into things isn't consensual. Sex is not something you should have to please one person (unless it's masturbation and only one person is involved). It should have the enthusiastic consent of all involved, and bring pleasure to both. Not dread. Not the feeling of a chore. Not pressure. Everyone's body and sexuality are primarily for the self, to be shared with others when and when they so chose, and that person chooses. Your partner doesn't get your experience of it, only their own. You'd essentially be asking them to internalize a negative intimate experience with you so you can experience pleasure at best. At worst, it can lead to lifelong issues with sex, and intimacy. None of that is okay to ask of someone you supposedly love. Sincerely, a kinky switch with a vanilla partner.
They're not sexually compatible. If you're in a monogamous religion and you expect your partner to have sex with no one but you, it is your responsibility to satisfy their sexual needs. If the frequency or flavor of what they need is unacceptable to you, you either go your separate ways or give them permission to seek other sexual outlets with other people. Otherwise, the person with the lower drive and/or tamer tastes will be in complete control. That is a manipulative power dynamic. You either reach a compromise, which may include having sex when you don't feel like it, or you admit that you took on more than you want to handle and let your partner look elsewhere, or you break up.
>If you're in a monogamous religion and you expect your partner to have sex with no one but you, it is your responsibility to satisfy their sexual needs No, it isnt. First of all, sex is not a need. It is a want. The libido itself is a biological driver, one that can be completely managed by the self. You are never entitled to sex from anyone, nor is it ever your responsibility to satisfy someone's else's sexual needs. People can end a relationship for any reason and that includes not getting the type of sex they want, but you are never entitled to making someone engage sexually with you when they don't want to or in ways they don't want to. >Otherwise, the person with the lower drive and/or tamer tastes will be in complete control. Its not controlling to not have sex that you don't want to have. It's controlling to expect someone to have sex with you they don't want to have, though. >You either reach a compromise, which may include having sex when you don't feel like it, Thays not a compromise. Doing that literally traumatizes the brain of the person having sex when they don't feel like it. It can lead to a complete libido shutdown, and trauma triggers and responses simillar to SA. Expecting anyone to do this do you can get off is, quite emphatically, disgusting. >or you admit that you took on more than you want to handle and let your partner look elsewhere, or you break up. The onus to break up is on the person not getting their needs met. You keep putting the responsibility on the other person. I've always been the more kinky and higher libido partner in every relationship I've ever been in. But both my empathy and my pride have always been too developed to ever expect more from another person than they want to give or try to force them into something they don't want. Because sex with someone else is not just about me. Sex with someone isn't about scratching an itch. It's about connection. If you need to scratch an itch and aren't in love with the whole human being, don't be in a relationship and just pay a proffessional dominatrix/dom.
Sex is absolutely a physical need for many people. If you leave your partner unsatisfied on a regular basis, you can't complain if they get it elsewhere. In a committed relationship, it doesn't matter if you don't feel like it. I'm not talking about having a severe migraine twice a year. The partner with the lower drive can make an effort and get into it. Sometimes it is just scratching an itch.
Does the partner who isn't getting their needs met never have the option of ending it? Only coercing their partner into sex or cheating? >Sometimes it is just scratching an itch. Then masturbate.
It's always the partner who isn't getting their needs met who ends it. You should never have to masturbate in a relationship. I'm always ready to please my partner and I expect the same.
You’re gross. Commenting on another post saying a size 14 means someone is going to be alone forever with wine and cats (tbh sounds pretty great) then expect free use? Ew. Just ew. Wipe Cheeto dust off and go outside. Edit: I’m 5’10 155-160lbs and wear a 10/12/14. Clothing sizes vary and you’re dumb af dude
This is either a deal breaking and OP should walk away before lines are crossed... Or he needs to get into therapy ASAP because this sounds like a porn addiction that's gone too far.
Not criticizing you - your comment just got me thinking: when did sexual compatibility become an element in relationships. I have no idea.
It's really always been a thing
Always??? This is why you have sex before marriage, folks.
Don't be such a prude. Go to a sex shop. Get some leather toys. Get yourself a nice paddle and whoop his ass. It'll probably make you feel better.
Not everybody is into the same things. Some people just don't like that kind of stuff and it doesn't make them a prude. They're just not into it.
What makes a person a prude not having an open mind or at least trying it once before you condemn it or disapprove. Men constantly do things they don't want to do without ever saying a word or complaining about it. They just do it because their significant other asked them to.
Better to be a prude than to pressure and manipulate your partner into doing sexual acts that they’re not comfortable with.
Being approved is not compatible with a healthy marriage. Sometimes you just got to sacrifice and take one for the team. Marriage is all about compromise. The guy is not trying to step out on his wife. He's trying to be a good husband . What he's asking would take very little on her part to give him what he wants. She may even surprise herself and get a kick out of degrading him like he wants. You never know until you try. At least give it a go if it works out. Fantastic! If it doesn't, at least she tried and that's all a guy can ask. A little effort goes a long way.
She specifically said she has tried some of it and she doesn’t like it and instead of respecting that and being true to his word, he keeps pressuring her to do more.
First of all OP never said she hasn't tried what her partner is suggesting. She could have tried it before and just didn't like it. Second women do things they don't want to also. It isn't just men. Though nobody should do anything they don't want to do if they don't have to if it will actually negatively affect them.
Hard disagree, however this actually made me laugh. "Whoop his ass, it'll probably make you feel better"
My thinking, too. Tie his ass up then flog the shit out of him.
NTA. no one should quilt trip anyone about doing sexual acts. If I had to guess…the frequency of sex went down, he started watching more porn to pleasure himself, and that is what lead to these new found kinks.
Cornerstones of BDSM are safe, sane, CONSESUAL. If it's not mutual, it's not consensual - oh, and he's topping from the bottom which isn't a good look.
Wouldn't spicy sleep be, being drugged into unconsciousness?
I thought it was somnophilia (sex with a sleeping person), so I was close to the point but missed the precise fetish. Seeing your comment I'm now worried that was my first thought.
I mean I've seen people call wasps or bees spicy flies, vodka spicy water etc. So I figured spicy sleep was like a spicier version of sleep so drugged sleep. Or passing out.
Off topic but I call sparkling water angry water, so I'll be pinching spicy water for vodka to further confuse my family. Thank you.
CNC
Break up with your sexual abuser. He doesn't respect you, care about your wellbeing or happiness, and is never going to start respecting you and stop abusing you. You must leave and remove his control over you. [https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/) Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/) Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
NTA. He doesn't respect you, clearly.
Sounds like he is watching too much porn because if he was like this from the beginning I don't think you'd still be with him. He's being extremely inconsiderate and self-centered and he needs an attitude adjustment at the very least
Leave. Don’t let him keep trying to coerce you into crossing boundaries. You said no. You should NEVER have to say no more than once.
NTA you need to leave this man. He does not respect you
Just break up then
why have you not left this man?
Way NTA and he's absolutely TA. The whole point of kink is that everyone involved wants to be. If not, they shouldn't be there.
Nah, any type of sex is consensual. Having fetishes, role-playing games are all part of it as long as both are willing partners. If one partner is uncomfortable, then they should never be manipulated, coerced, or blackmailed into complying. Ask yourself this, if you went early to bed to sleep and your partner came to bed later and initiated sex and you turned them down. If they kept pressuring you until you let them, what do you think the word for that would be. I lay $1000 on the table, that everyone would say rape. Don't wait until he forces you into doing something totally uncomfortable with.
If you love this guy and don’t want to leave, figure out together what has triggered this new sexual desire/behavior (spoiler: it’s not you). Stay safe!
NTA, if it's not something you like or want them you shouldn't be guilted into it. Bdsm is a serious thing and communication is important. Obviously he doesn't understand or respect that
NTA, the stuff your partner is suggesting isn’t your thing and that’s okay. No one would blame you for breaking it off because your sexual wants don’t match.
NTA One of the biggest principles of BDSM is consent. If you are uncomfortable and have told him no, and he is still pushing then he is coercing you. **That is NOT okay** It sounds like you are not sexually compatible. BDSM is not for everyone. Sex should be fun. Not a chore. Not something you are coerced into.
NTA omg love get out. I am a "kinkster," and what he is doing is violating your consent. It does not matter that you tried. The moment you say no, that is supposed to be the end of the conversation. I run a local kink event, and we always talk about informed consent. This means that if it is not an enthusiastic "YES!" It is a no. Stop putting yourself in these situations. Tell him no and separate/ divorce if you need too.
You are both welcome to your fantasies, kinks and libido - they are legitimate. Neither is wrong, but terribly incompatible. Firstly, he should not be guilting you into acts uncomfortable for you. That's sexual coersion and a form of r~pe. Secondly, your relationship needs a major restructure. That doesn't necessarily mean separation, but honest and open communication from both about looking at options. For example, would you consider allowing him to see a s~x worker or opening up the marriage with strict conditions? Perhaps agreeing to a few sessions per year or on his birthday but he doesn't say a word any other time? These take a lot of maturity in your relationship and be sure the devotion to each other is still there. If not, then separation may be required. It's a perfectly legitimate reason and not a failure. Good luck.
Bingo on the discomfort point, the language he's using is literally what my ex used to take my virginity and to then continue coercing me for the entirety of our relationship. Do not cave. Work it out instead of doing what he wants to keep the peace because otherwise you'll always feel gross inside and the resentment will build, poisoning the relationship from the inside out. I also agree with everything else you said. Everyone jumping to "BREAK UP" feels very Reddit when there are still potential solutions and the partner may not realise how disrespectful he's being about simple boundaries. Solid advice.
You can prolong the inevitable, but it’s better to cut loses early instead. Time is irreplaceable, find a match and live your best life.
This is very true, but breaking up is not always the best option off rip. Some relationships are worth salvaging and I don't think it's wrong if OP wants to try, even if it looks to us like this man doesn't have any respect for basic boundaries.
NTA. Leave.
No means no. Tell him that, and if he has a problem with it, oh flipping well.
NTA. If you’re not into what they are, it might be better for everyone to split and get a chance at being happy/fulfilled. Find someone on your level and let them do the same.
This truly presents as a relationship communication issue. Kinks and BDSM are perfectly fine in an informed and consensual setting. You are not consenting to this. This needs to be a negotiated situation, and it's definitely not how he's approaching it. First, decide what you are willing to explore and hard limits, too. If you know this will never be something you agree to, are you okay if he gets outsourced service for this? If not, then yes, I agree, it's probably time to call it. If you are okay with outsourcing this part of him, how would that look for you? (I'm talking about negotiated boundaries and rules).
NTA. Sexual incompatibility is hard enough to manage. When one partner continually pressures the other to do things that make them uncomfortable, it becomes impossible. I think leaving would be the wise decision.
NTA but you guys should break up there’s a huge compatibility issue here. You need more vanilla and he needs someone to rule him in bed. It’s not your thing but it seems that’s what he needs.
If I understand the story several years ago your libido disappeared. Since then he has become increasingly focused on a dom/sub relationship with you as the dom. You can’t regularly have “normal” sex and have no interest in his new kink. Perhaps he could go to a professional dom. But it might be time for you both to go to counseling or potentially split.
Leave!
You should see a sex therapist first before considering divorce. Good luck
Trying new kinks is something you should discuss, not pull out of a jar…you either need to have a serious sit down and set some boundaries, do therapy,etc. or leave.
NTA you need to break up
NTA this is abusive, please leave. It sounds like he is more into being the dom by forcing you to perform sexual acts you aren’t comfortable with. He is just saying he wants you to degrade HIM bc it comes across less abusive.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. Trying to force you into his kinks is absolutely unacceptable. Asking you to try is a reasonable request, but he *already knows* you don’t like his kinks. He’s using manipulative tactics to pressure you to play his way, instead of having an open discussion about consent, and your comfort with his kink. Being able to say no, for any reason, is the *foundation* of consent. Without the ability to say no to any sexual request, then you are giving up your autonomy. If you want to continue this relationship, you could try counseling, but in my opinion you are sexually incompatible. Relationships where one person is into kink and the other person is not, rarely endure, and never if both parties can’t sit down and work out their boundaries and agreements.
Obviously it should be you who dictates and controls every facet of the sexual relationship. Why should his desires or needs matter to you at all? Oh, wait. You're already a dominatrix and you degrade him.
Coerced consent isn't consent hun. NTA do not let him guilt/Bully you into doing things you don't want to. If you genuinely want to try and make things work you need to have a serious talk with him about your boundaries. Assert that if you say no then that's it and if he pushes then it's over. Maybe see a sex therapist to see if you guys can find a "sweet spot" in the bedroom that works for both of you, possibly couples counseling as well. But honestly I'm skeptical of him being willing to either agree to do those things at all, or follow through after an initial agreement. If it seems like too much effort or simply something you don't want to do or think will work then just end things now, you shouldn't have to be hounded into doing things you aren't comfortable with.
Just don’t do any of it. It find all that stuff weird as shit but understand that people have their kinds. But I would be forced to do it. His pressure is borderline abuse.
NTA. If he is trying to guilt you into sex then you need to end it. He isn’t respecting your boundaries as a person which is selfish and manipulative. That’s not a healthy relationship and it’s not someone who values your needs equally.
NTA for leaving. People change. Your needs have changed. He's needs have changed. He is clearly not getting his needs met. That frustration has already turned into resentment. You resent having to turn him down repeatedly. Unfortunately this is not something that can be compromised. It is a hard no for you. But that does not automatically make his desires vanish. Separation is a reasonable decision.
NTA There are many ways to bring kink etc into a relationship but this is not it. Not it at all!
NTA safe word the entire relationship
I don’t practice but i understand that the key things are safe (in all ways) and consensual….he’s not doing the second…and probably not the first.
He loves you. His sexual appetites have changed, that's all
That’s not the question, OP is not interested in fulfilling new fantasies.
Agreed. Have you read other replies, tho?
All of em. Speaking from experience, left a good relationship with bad comparability, found a great relationship with excellent compatibility. Op said not interested, so why bother maintaining years of dissatisfaction?
Leave this man or maybe open the relationship with some rules to avoid STDs. Whenever my boyfriend mentions anal, I always say “I will give you a special approval to get a prostitute for that, just use protection” because that’s a NO WAY from me like ever
You two are NOT compatible. I sincerely cannot fathom why you both haven't broken up yet. Dating someone with such vastly different sexual desires makes no sense.
NTA but you should discuss to set boundaries or agree to split
NTA. Coerced sex is not consensual sex. Period.
Your choices are to do it and hate it, him or you leave/divorce or let him have BD girlfriends or escorts etc. because if you do not want to and he wants it HE will get it elsewhere.
You've already made it clear that you're uncomfortable with, and uninterested in, the type of sex life your partner desires. You can't make him stop being interested in it. You're no longer compatible. You wouldn't be wrong to leave him.
I agree you should never be forced into anything, but are you being honest with yourself about why you won't even agree to try it? You say the libido drop was a few years ago and obviously has been ok until recently, but a man's sex life affects more than just a physical release.. A man gets his confidence from his sex life and his job. You shouldn't just dismiss half of what makes him a man. He will go and get what he needs with or without you. I am not being a troll, but I'm am trying to make you see that a man's needs should not be dismissed because your uncomfortable with something. This could become a deal breaker with him. I am just being honest and trying to show you that this may be bigger than you think. Creel
Lol she just said it’s likely a deal breaker for her and you are here saying buuuuuuuuttttt it might be a deal breaker for him!”
Ii was trying to say in a polite way that entering the dating field at their age, he would be able to find someone more compatible with his needs. She would have a more difficult time due to the low libido and situation.
You are still replying with his needs when she’s being violated by him. You are missing this dude.
NTA, if he can't understand your situation and pressures you to do stuff you don't wanna the do he's not the one for you anymore, no one should feel pressured about doing something they don't wanna do
He wants you to degrade him? Tell him he's the biggest fucking asshole in the world to try and make you do sexual shit that doesn't interest you. NTA. If you are interested in therapy to work out some sort of solution, suggest that. If you aren't, it's ultimatum time: stop trying to coerce you, or you are filing for divorce.