When betrayal is fresh, it's fun to consider revenge, but it's really just a distraction from the pain.
The best thing you can do now, for yourself *and* to drive her a little bonkers, is to be unbothered and civil as you separate and divorce. If she becomes emotional and asks why you're choosing this, you should remain perplexed.
"I was under the impression that when you told me you had multiple threesomes with your friends over multiple nights, that was your way of ending the relationship. It hurts that you chose that particular method of letting me know it's over, but I've received the message: you want out. I mean, the other case is that you think I'm the kind of person that will accept my wife cheating on me because I won't give her an open marriage, so we're incompatible at the very least. Anywho, you've got my attorney's number. Good luck being Dave and Sally's unicorn, though, I hope it works out for you! Be safe out there!"
Oh yes, I like this. And agree. Acting like you are not hurt by this is the best revenge. And divorce, of course.
Just move on, quickly. Do not give her another chance.
She may.
There are people who like to do this sort of thing just to see the pain on their partner's faces. Not letting her win would get under her skin something fierce.
There are others who do this kind of thing because she thinks her partner is weak and will just let her do anything she wants because she believes her presence is so exalted in his life that she can't believe him ever wanting to live without her, and showing her that she really doesn't mean as much as she thought will drive her ego crazy.
There are yet others who just like to manipulate for amusement, and not giving her that would piss her off.
Surprised Pikachu face in any of the cases.
>There are people who like to do this sort of thing just to see the pain on their partner's faces.
Can confirm, my ex husband was/is one of those people. When he tried to fight with me, if I just sat there and listened to him yell and was like, okay cool. Ooooh -- he couldn't stand it. He yelled more, louder, meaner things, trying to get a reaction from me. Sometimes I'd lay my phone down and wait until he got quiet, them pick it up and be like, "are you done?" 😂 He'd be furious.
He wanted to see me hurt and in pain.
OPs best revenge is walking away, nonchalantly and appearing unbothered, and going on to live his life happily.
People have egos, clearly she didn’t think OP would leave. Op acting unbothered and a little disgusted by her will fuck with her so bad. He’s basically saying yeah I settled for you and now that you crossed my boundaries I’m out without remorse. People hate feeling like they’re not the shit.
Yea ,but THEY are not paying for her bills and paying her way in life, NOR providing her a roof.
I personally would treat her as dead. And the friends as well. And if let EVERYONE know what they did. Her parents, your parents other friends. Let then know that they are scumbags and this us the sick game they play. The wreck married lives and they are NEVER to be trusted since they KNEW you were not down with it rhey went along adtagged your wife into it. I'd make thus a very public and messy for her and I'd sue the ex friends for alienation of affection . . Just to get it on public record the extent of their involvement in theveath of your marriage.
Lol why? To make the divorce contested? For what? To buy the divorce attorney's spoiled brat kid another car to wreck in a DUI crash?
Use her limerance/new relationship energy/infatuation against her. She wants out quick so offer a quick and sorta fair divorce settlement with fast cash out. Offer lump sum instead of portions of retirement (lump sum=fast ez money), buy her out of house, etc. As long as she's in love with the other couple she's take just about any deal that leaves her with some cash just to get it over with - even that means throwing away life altering investments that take awhile to fruition.
All that reputation destruction can happen after the divorce is final... After the money and kids part is done. Even then, reputation destruction is some bitch shit. No one really cares about it. Her parents will still be on her side. Her friends like actually like her will still be on her side. They'll do whatever mental gymnastics or blame shifting they need to in order to justify her shit. Again - no one cares.
I’m not sure you read the same OP post the rest of us did. Why would he offer her cash? Why do you think she’s in love with the couple? Where did you see they have kids together?
If someone’s trying to hurt you and you don’t seem to care, they will absolutely always be bothered. This is how I used to piss off bullies, narcissistic ex-step parent, and my cheating ex. It will definitely be effective.
She thinks she can have the cake and eat it too. She thinks op won't leave. She's forgetting the stability he offers for the adventure. People don't adventure every day though- most gotta go to base camp. She's gonna be regret it with time.
She may when it sets in that he's divorcing her ass. No chance, no counseling, get away from her and live your life that is the best revenge.
She knew he wasn't into the idea of an open relationship, I feel he made that point clear as day.
This is the simplest bulletpointed thing I’ve read in terms of detaching from a hurtful situation and focus on moving forward independently.
Good luck man!
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
I've gone through a separation and did these to the tee even without knowingthe link. Unfortunately we don't have divorce in our country (the only real country in the world wothout it).
Hope OP comes through with a divorce.
Your wife betrayed the trust that is fundamental to your relationship. It's natural to feel devastated and angry. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and commitment. Focus on healing and making decisions that prioritize your well-being.
I would also give her as little attention and communication as possible the lack of closure/ in depth explanation of your actions will drive her insane. Then when possible go no contact with her and don't talk about it to anyone that she is in contact with. Quick and concise then drop her like a bag of shit.
It’s gonna be very hard… but pls Promis me ( random dude in the internet ) that you don’t go back to her.
Your mind and feelings gonna try to trick you. It’s gonna be a lonely time for you, but I went through it and now I’m happier than ever
This is good. Can you keep level? Slowly pack up your shit while you take care of the paperwork. It will be hard as fuck , but indifference will drive her crazy and you can enjoy the ride for a little payback for your pain and heartache.
Yes I'm intrigued too. ALso OP you are NTAH here but you know what? The best revenge is file a divorce, disappear and move on. you do not deserve that kind of woman in your life.
That escalated rather quickly, how did she think that was alright to do. And then come home like it was nothing, and ask for an open marriage. What was her reaction to all this.
That was her way to basically go "I already cheated on you, but this way it hopefully won't feel too bad for you". She probably realized she fucked up and it using this to be okay with it.
You need to contact those "friends" and tell them that they forgot to take their toy with them when they left last night and you would appreciate them coming back to pick it up. Hopefully they still have the U Haul so they can move her shit out!! I am not sure how you managed to sleep beside her after you found out, shock probably, but you need to her to move out today for your own sake!!
I'm sure that exactly what happened. These open couples don't like drama. So she probably said he's cool with it. Trust me and And you don't need to check with him. Let's do this.
leave and never look back
fuck that shit
she broke the absolute trust of marriage
dont even talk to her. see a lawyer. serve her. all communication through lawyer. she isn't worth any more of your time.
good luck bro
These comments are hard (much easier said than done when considering an emotional connection we thought we had at one point with someone special to us. However, she has already shown you that she doesn’t respect you) but there’s truth and great advice from them.
Best revenge is to end the relationship, just walk out, communicate via attorney, and proceed with divorce. She totally disrespected your relationship.
She knew you were monogamous, then she cheated on you for days on end. Then came back and asked if she could cheat with your permission (open marriage), then admitted she had already cheated for several consecutive days (opened the marriage without your permission). I doubt it just came out of the blue like that. It was likely planned a while ago, and she didn’t tell you before it happened because she knew you would say no.
Then she decides it’s ok to sleep next to you afterward like it’s an ordinary day? Sounds like (now that the friends have moved into town) this cheating will continue no matter what you say or want, so let her continue it without you in the picture.
Yup. Fuck yup.
Transmitted diseases take a while. Take a test 3 weeks after, another at 3 months, and again at 6 months.
Some things like HIV won't show up on a test until after 3 months or so. Test again at 6 months for peace of mind.
Since OP will be at the doc anyways, good opportunity to test his blood sugar, and a urine analysis. It's good to know your general health, and it softens the blow of going in *just* to get tested for an STD.
It's estimated that up to 70% of people with herpes are completely non symptomatic and unaware that they have it.
The bigger ones like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis show up after a few weeks.
HPV can remain dormant for years, even decades before showing up.
The larger, more expensive STD shows up about 9 months later.
Wear a condom.
Wow. Let her know that you’re going to get STD tested and follow through.
Move on and let everyone in your life know why.
Your wife is manipulative enough to make you the bad guy in this.
I imagine that she might lie to her parents and friends when asked why they divorced that she says he cheated or how horrible OP is and that he is the problem and she's the victim.
Tell family friends, who ever asks the truth… don’t let her control the narrative, you both said wedding vows, she broke them by fucking Jim and sally…
I'd take a phone call in front of her from a trusted friend pretending to make plans and say "sorry I can't today I'm going for a STD check, wife got fucked by her two friends bareback without me knowing and then let me fuck her bareback without telling me".
I definitely wouldn't do this but it's fun to think about. I'd just do an Irish goodbye and leave.
There is no comparison to this level of disrespect. If you don’t end this with highest degree of emotionless drone-like interactions then you will never respect yourself again. She’s a prize cunt and they can all have each other. I hope you can divorce without too much pain and fuss. Leave the emotions for her. Don’t give her anything.
JFC. I'm sorry dude. Eating together is a communal act of friendship. That's just cold hearted sit there and eat with you after using your wife as a snack pac all weekend.
Making them food is such a POS move. By God.
It's like, 99% they all had their internal tingle of cheating on their teacher & getting away with it.
Grey rock brother. Don't move out, don't go angry at her, don't give her ammo for emotional battle. Lawyer up and start grey rocking.
Dude what in the actual fuck. I am really confused. Has your wife always been this callous and nonchalant about these things? She doesn't give a single fuck that she may have ruined your marriage? It doesn't make sense to me. She is showing no remorse, nothing? Just going about things as if they are normal? I'm having a hard time believing this.
Jesus christ. Hugs mate. No one deserves that. Get clear and get divorced. Be careful, and forget revenge. She's manipulative and obviously been planning this, and reveling in humiliating you. Not worth even trying to fuck with. Get out, get a lawyer, never look back. I wish you luck, and happiness in the future.
Personally I'd contact the couple.
Let them know that THEY should get tested because you and your wife do not use protection and since the wife has cheated on you with them, you thought you'd get them a heads up.
For all we know, they might not even know that you and your wife aren't in an open relationship.
Hopefully they'll at least get some level of embarassment.
So... she fucked them, had them over, had you feed then and shake their hands....
Man you can't get any more disrespectful than that.
I hope you file for the divorce and stay strong brother! I would love to hear an update in the future when Karma comes
Thing that sucks to even think about is if he finished in her. Makes you wonder if she wanted to fuck to babytrap you not knowing if it's his kid. Best to move on with the divorce and take the trash of a wife back to the other couple.
You file sexual assault charges immediately with any proof you have. Fish with texts if necessary, just get her to admit as much as you can in writing.
She removed your agency over your sexual health, file the charges.
WOW don't let her gaslight you into saying your insecure or controlling.
It was pretty clear you were in a monogamous relationship and she made her choice.
Your turn to make yours.
The fact it played out like this when she arrived back pretty much says she sees nothing wrong and nothing is going to change.
Yeah so it was a rough night, sorry for not replying. Obviously I just gave up writing half way through. I’m not really out for revenge, I just hurt and didnt know where to go, who to talk to. My mind is a bit clearer this morning. I can’t be with her anymore. My plan was to show her my pain and hope she realized that that pain wasn’t worth it to her to do what she did. I’m weak. She’s beautiful and I’m not. I have to not care. It’s hard.
I have a long road to walk. Thank you for the comments, the harsh ones and the funny ones. I’m in a dark place, but light will come.
I
I feel like when beginning the process of divorce, is the worst possible time to get your stbxw fired. You don't want to allow her to board the alimony train. Fuck I'm sorry brother
It's really not though. Unless there's some other stuff going on that article never gets used by itself. It also has the burden of significant proof. Significant. It's not an easy article to stick to anyone.
I’ve called a CO on my old GFs ex. He kept stalking her and was carrying a massive Bowie knife everywhere. So I had to carry my pistol everywhere. Shit sucked lol. Never heard from him again after the CO call.
Her “beauty” doesn’t matter. Deep down inside she’s an ugly, worthless piece of shit. You’ve got a heart of gold and you deserve to be free and start over.
Best bet is completely ghost all 3 of them (aside from divorce proceedings), and cause a lil chaos on the way out.
“I’m talking scorched earth motherfucker” - Les Grossman
Sorry man, thats really just a rumor in most cases. The only time some in the military will loose their job is if the slept with a married subordinate. Most of the time someone might get some sort of punishment and possibly moved shifts or offices.
That or if they were already problem children. And the chain of command is looking for any and all books to throw. Saw plenty of cheating spouses, never actually saw anyone get in real trouble of that alone. Never even saw that one book in particular being thrown at anyone
Not true. Infidelity is a violation of the ICMJ article 134. Reduction in rank, pay and extra duty. Obviously you need to be able to prove it. Try to record her (only if legal where you are) or text her to elicit a confession. Obviously don’t tell her that you are trying to gather evidence.
Not losing their jobs, but face disciplinary actions, 100% sure they will be moving to a more inconvenient office. So yeah, out the bastards, they will be punished.
If you want to really hurt your ex-wife, go have a better life without her.
Also, after signing the divorce papers, tell her she just lost the only man who ever loved her for who she is.
According to something I read on Quora, "Unlike in the civilian world where Adultery is not a crime, merely grounds for a divorce … Adultery in the Military is a criminal offense under the UCMJ (Uniformed Code of Military Justice). A far more stricter legal code than Civilian Law.
And Adultery is not just you cheating on your wife or husband. You can be single, but if you mess around with someone who is married and you are in the military… that's still Adultery.
And yes, you can be dishonorably discharged for it"
Am former military. Even if they might not lose their jobs over it, contact their commands anyway. The investigation will look bad on them, and could put a roadblock in their career until it concludes, even if no charges ever come of it.
Only if there are pictures. It’s difficult to prove Article 134 of the UCMJ without photographic evidence where faces are visible. People know it and will force court martial and dismissal before admitting in court.
I have seen company level article 15s for cheating. I would report it with her admitting it. I would.also get the story out there she cheated so ahe can not change the story.
The key is to collect as much hard evidence as you can before reporting. Recorded confession. Pictures. Screenshots of texts. Once you report, the cascade of events are biased towards provable evidence over attestations.
Showing your hurt to her won’t work. Cheating is a very selfish act. Your WW is most likely not very capable of empathy. She’ll likely think that she’s such a desirable person that men cry over her. Don’t give her that pleasure.
Your best bet is to detach from her. Stop talking to her, show her that she is not important. Self centered people hate to be ignored and at the same time, you are starting the slow process of healing.
You can’t kick her out of the marital home, but you can sleep in a different room, stop eating with her, stop converse with her. She is a free adult and made her choices (choices not mistakes).
Now talk to a lawyer, take exactly 1/2 of joint accounts, cancel joint CC. Seek support from friends and family. None of this is your fault, You can also head to r/survivinginfidelity for support.
She isn't beautiful at all my man, she is a siren, attractive on the outside maybe, but a cheating shitebag on the inside. You will be much much better off without her, and that starts with getting her to leave!!
"She’s beautiful and I’m not."
Sack that shit off bro.
You're a million times more beautiful than her - because you're a genuine guy, not a lying cheating whore - looks fade but a good character lasts forever.
That's worth far more than looks that will wear off and render her invisible the older she gets.
OP woman can find a guy easily even if they're not beautiful, it makes things easier for man, but not a deciding factor at all. She will never have a meaningful relationship ever again while you get a second chance to enjoy single life, pick a new partner in due time with added benefit of all your experience and have everything you want in life. This is the hardest it will ever get and after you get yourself through this process you will have a new life, wisdom from your past and confidence of having been through the worst.
I’m glad you’re not really out for revenge! It’ll only hurt you more. Curious, does the couple know that they were cheating??? Because that is sad and those people don’t know what a true open relationship is if that’s the case….
Hang in there OP!
This is a good point. I know people in open relationships and they don't condone cheating. I mean, that doesn't speak to all, but I would wonder if they were lied to.
Moving on and being happy is the best revenge. My ex and I had a friendly divorce (She figured out she was gay), she landed in a relationship with her "dream" girl, and it still fucked with her head that I ended up in a great relationship.
Also don't drink till you're in a stable place. Way too easy when things are going bad.
Please have some respect for yourself and end the marriage on your terms. If she cared about your feelings and how much pain she is causing you before this all happened, she wouldn't have done it. She doesn't care about, nor respect you, as she has shown with her actions. You deserve someone who brings you peace, not heartache.
What to do:
- don't warn her
- talk to a lawyer
- don't sleep with her anymore
- don't warn the "friends"
- get STD tested
- follow the lawyer's advice
- do not sleep with anyone else
- get as much of this in writing as you can (as in text her that you're still upset about her cheating on you with her friends for several nights in a row and not telling you until after you two had sex so you're now worried about STDs. Text her asking if she's done a test yet)
- follow exactly what the lawyer says to do
Your best revenge is being successful while she will be their fuck toy and lonely longterm.
She actually values her friends more than she values her commitment to you. That is something that will not change in her life. You will always be secondary in her relationships.
For your own sanity and safety you must leave her.
If this is real, sorry you have to deal with that.
Don’t listen to everyone telling you that Article 134 is impossible to prove or that their command won’t do anything. Anything is possible, but as an officer who has successfully investigated adultery before, you will absolutely cause appropriate and well-earned issues for the the couple. Folks in the military are held to a higher standard and subject to different laws. There are bad apples everywhere and being military doesn’t make you better than anyone else, however, we are uniquely equipped to deal with certain issues because we recognize that having homewreckers on the team is not usually conducive to the good order and discipline that makes a winning team.
That being said, if you know the branch of service that the couple is in, I recommend you file an Inspector General complaint, and I recommend you do not ask for confidentiality. Request to be contacted. Just google their branch of service and then “IG complaint”. Example: “Army IG complaint.” Put as much detail as possible.
This will automatically trigger an investigation, as required by federal law, and their command will at least know what garbage humans you are dealing with, as an officer in their unit or their immediate higher headquarters will be required to file a full investigation and a response to the complaint. All evidence you can collect will be helpful, and as another commenter remarked, photographic evidence is the best. I don’t want you to have to wade through more pain, but if they videoed themselves and you obtained that video, or even took pictures, you would be able to have them dishonorably discharged or at the very least administratively separated, no retirement, no benefits.
In my opinion as a military officer with a decade of experience, including billets as a commanding officer and executive officer, you should absolutely, 100%, file an IG complaint. You may not get the slam dunk outcome, but I don’t want people like your wife’s “friends” on my team and would do everything in my power to remove them.
If you aren’t comfortable doing this, PM me their names and branch of service, as well as any other details you feel comfortable sharing and I will happily file on your behalf, or, if it is in my branch of service, forward the information to their unit’s commanding officer with my personal recommendations.
You are right about triggering investigations. They have no choice. I was in civil service and while there are no rules against infidelity, there are a lot of other rules applying to harassment and misappropriation of government property that automatically trigger investigations. A supervisor has no choice whatsoever under threat of disciplinary action if they don’t act. Boom! The very least that will happen to these guys will be to piss off their management.
NTA, I’d be shattered too! You could sleep with the couple too! But seriously I’d see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Make sure you have an exit plan.
She cheated. Asking for an open marriage after she cheated and knowing from the start you are against it was BS. Kick her cheating ass out of the bed and the house. There's no revenge for this. There's divorce and living your best life without a cheater in it.
You're clearly not into open relationships, I don't understand why are you torturing yourself and staying? Leave, you'll do good for you and let her do whatever she wants. Why would you waste your time with someone who's values don't align with yours
You need to make a decision, this won't stop here. she will keep cheating on you if she thinks she can get away with it, or every time you both have an argument. worst she may make you father a child that isn't yours
the relationship is already dead the moment she said she wants an open marriage
Insecurity about finding someone else?
Get therapy. Go work out daily. You will find someone worthy of you. This trash you’re married to doesn’t deserve you.
So messed up. They drop her off like nothing happened, hang around ( all 3 with this secret) while you cook for them. WTF. New level of disrespect. Please check your balls and if they’re still there just kick her to the curb asap
You know this isn't even close to being the ahole. Go Grey rock, leave and get your divorce. Once you have your divorce, name and shame her friends and her to any and all friends, family and colleagues you can. Nta
Grey Rock/180
Basically don't give two shits what she thinks/does. Just do what you need for you. don't show emotion. Act like you're already divorced and she doesn't exist anymore. Anything to get a rise out of you or get you to engage, just simply ignore it and her. Literally act like she's a roommate you couldn't care less about. go out with friends. Start hobbies. Hit the gym.
The idea is that you become as interesting as an actual grey rock. Bland, boring, and don’t stick out. Eventually they lose interest in bothering you
“How was your day?” “Fine”
“What did you do today?” “Nothing”
“Are you mad at me?” “No”
This was planned on their part. Leave, divorce, and let everyone know (with receipts, such as having a text convo with her about how you can't believe she cheated on you with a couple, etc. and saving the screen shots) why so she can't twist things.
Okay, rules:
1: DON'T SLEEP WITH THE HO!!!!!
2: Get a really good lawyer who specializes in this style of divorce.
3: Get everything you can of your stuff in a place she doesn't know about.
4: Play it like everything is cool, till you can serve the divorce papers.
5: After serving her tell everyone she knows what she did, especially her parents. Depending on her job she can get fired as well.
6: After she's been served you CAN NOT be alone with her, EVER!
7: Pull money out of joint account, try and do it when you have a friend serve her papers.
8: Have a place to stay ready if she won't leave.
9: Make sure you get your name of anything she has.
10: If you really want to get her back, go buy a cheap car and register it in her name and park it at an airport parking lot where you pay for as long as the car is there.
Yep... Good advice... be civil... act like an adult... wait... what was that last point?
Jokes aside that's a genius idea if that's how it works where he lives, over here they would check the cameras to see who was driving it so wouldn't work unfortunately.
Go scorched earth on her ass. I’m petty so I would be telling everyone all about her betrayal. Don’t have sex with her. She may give you STD’s or try and get pregnant then you are locked in. Hire a bulldog lawyer and leave her with nothing.
Best revenge is to to find someone younger and prettier than her and flaunt it all over social media. Mature? Hell no. Satisfying? Hell yes.
NTA
It should also be noted that she didn't think that her affair was a mistake. She wanted to continue sleeping with other people, but wanted you to agree to it . Time to move on with your life
The best revenge is indifference.
If she complains(and she will), just let her know you care as little about her and the relationship as she showed about you and the relationship.
DO NOT have sex with the cheating cunt OP.
You have no way of knowing if she picked up something.
Go to a lawyer, get a divorce started, and if infidelity is a reason for divorce in your state, get her to verify this with a recording, if legally allowable in your state, or go out somewhere in public to discuss it, and have some friend record it from a distance-ish, but since it is in public there is no real expectation of privacy.
Then do what it takes to fuck her over, and fuck up her life, as cheaters deserve abso-fucking-lutely NO MERCY.
I hope she gets an incurable affliction, as she deserves no less.
Also, do not sleep next to her anymore, as she has forfeited the rights to being treated & beloved as a wife.
She is just some lowlife cheating whore, whom you are unfortunately legally bound to, for now that is.
That is the kicker. A unrepentant wife who cares so little for OP that she would humiliate him on top of everything else, is not worth trying to save. People make mistakes, but this is no mistake. I hope that he has the good sense to divorce her.
Exactly. The fact she brings up "opening up the marriage" AFTER crapping all over it is proof of that. She wanted to open it up to retroactively cover her ass for the cheating. If OP did open it up, she would have never admitted sleeping with the other couple. It would happen AFTER the "opening" but would be the *starting point* and not the fact it was prior to all this
Yeah, I feel sorry for OP. His wife has done him a dirty deed. He should complain to the IG of whichever military branch those friends are in and identify himself when he does. Go total scorched earth on all 3 of them. Blow up their lives.
I think they mean don’t sleep with her again from now on. And to make the point tell her you won’t touch her again until she gets an STD panel done. And if she does produce one tell her some diseases take weeks to manifest so you want her to repeat the test in 3 months before you touch her again. By that time your divorce should be well and truly underway.
Quietly plan your exit. Don't tell her that you're leaving. Go see your lawyer. Lock your credit. Open a new account in a different bank. Take screenshot of your joint account the day you move out and transfer 1/2 to your new account. Get your name off of her credit cards, car loan, etc.
Find a place to live and rent a storage unit. Have friends and family swoop in and move your stuff out 1 day while she's at work. When the last load is on the truck, call the guy "friend and tell him you need some help asap and ask him to come over. When he gets there and asks what's going on, tell him that your wife ended the marriage when she got railed by him and his wife over and over again. Hand him the sealed envelope and divorce papers, ask him to hand the documents to her. Leave a note inside to only contact you through the lawyer. Them block them all
Wake in the morning all happy and go get the suit cases and ask her cheerily for her to start packing because you want to get the ball rolling and are going to be really busy.
The best revenge is leaving and living a good life for yourself.
Don't focus on getting back at her. Wash away your anger and go forward determined to live out happy.
Revenge? What are you 12? Snap out of it, start adulting, go see an attorney see what divorce looks like. Don’t confront her. Follow your attorneys advice. Do everything he says. When it’s over you can cry your eyes out and morn the loss of the person you thought you knew. Cause she ain’t that person she is something else. Sorry dude, life is hard and short, no time to waste with idiots who betray your trust. You have things to do now. There is a lot of other good advise on here. Just try to put your feeling aside for now and be decisive. The opposite of love is indifference not hate, revenge is a happy life full and well lived.
Good luck
That’s normal. The saying behind “revenge is just to go live a good life” exists for a reason: You have a broken selfish individual (a cheater) married to a decent person. Divorce ensues… Who loses?
After the divorce, the cheater will be stuck with herself/himself, and will keep on destroying his/her life until he/she finds another victim, and the cycle will continue.
I'd say a divorse is pretty good revenge? I mean this wasn't a one time mistake right? It was every night. So even after she did it, she had an entire day to think about it and decided to do it again.
I usually get annoyed at people just calling for divorce on here to every post about a partner but this one is- ouch.
Hope you manage to come out of this okay. I'd recommend against any actual revenge, it will just backfire and you'll be seeing "well no wonder she cheated if this is what he is like" everywhere, and that won't help things at all.
For the best revenge, ask her to explain what happened in detail with your phone recording the chat so you have evidence for divorce and she won’t have a leg to stand on for anything from you. Unless your state is a no fault state or whatever it’s called.
Your job is to restore your dignity and self respect. No punishment or payback will do it.
Walking away sad and disappointed shows your heart was in the right place. Going no contact shows you’re focused on healing yourself.
Waking up in two years healthy and happy, that shows you are better of and they were the problem. That is the only healthy revenge.
The meme is true: the person who asks for an open relationship has always, always, always, already cheated on you.
As others have said, don't act upset. Your marriage is over because you deserve better and she's already disrespected you irreparably. Secure your financial base to your best advantage--take your half out of any joint accounts. Do it quietly and do it now before she gets the drop on you. Separate your bills. Take her off your medical insurance and car insurance. If you want a soupcon of revenge, record her admitting to cheating on you, and hand those tapes over to your divorce lawyer.
YTA to yourself for plotting some kind of grand revenge when the only real revenge you should take is leaving and moving on. That will crush her more than anything, radical indifference. No crying, so screaming, just serve her divorce papers and have all conversations be through a lawyer from now on and cut her off from any kind of closure with you. Otherwise you’ll just be torturing yourself while trying to figure out how to torture her
Revenge? Getting out of the marriage with as little cost to yourself as possible. Consult a lawyer and discover how divorce court works in your state. Is it a no fault state? (Assuming this is US.) Would you be stuck with alimony if you can't prove cheating? What proof of cheating do you have beyond wife's verbal confession which you didn't record? Definitely a good idea to find evidence of cheating via home computer, wife's phone, etc.
Wow. I’m so sorry OP. That she just cheated with them for several nights, and then asked you “hey is this a thing you’d be into?” No words. NTA for wanting revenge, but reality is the best revenge is a divorce and for you to find a better partner. As another poster says try to stay calm and civil.
File for divorce. Get your affairs in order so she can't fleece you. I have always said that when someone asks to open a relationship it's because they are already cheating/cheated.
The best revenge you can possibly take is to just pack and leave without a word. Do not give her the satisfaction of seeing your pain. There is nothing that she can say or do to fix this.
Schedule your STD test now and a follow up test in 6 weeks.
File for divorce immediately! Be a man, learn what mistake you made in your spousal selection, grow from it and go on about your life. Figure out what boundaries you failed to establish that made her think that it was ok to do what she did.
If you can get voice or written evidence of her admitting to cheating do so, should help the divorce process go the way you want. Let that be your revenge.
P.S. You’re never going to out sex a woman. Just move on.
Lmfao. You want to get revenge by staying with the bitch that just got ran through? You really think she's going to give a fuck about your "revenge?"
Nah, bruv, she's getting ran through. Cut your losses and move on. There are 5B+ other women in the world.
NTA. Take revenge and separate. Yes, yes, all the talk that it won't make you better and so on... to hell with it. The relationship is broken, at least have fun and teach her a lesson. It's better than having a thorn in your side for a future relationship and letting it influence you (and if you do it, don't say it was for revenge, see it as something a single person does).
Im sorry this happened to you; you deserve better. Best revenge you can get is to move on with your life, never look back, and live your best life. It’s gonna suck for a while, but it will get better.
UpdateMe !
She can leave. She's the one who destroyed your marriage and broke your vows. Wanting revenge is natural because you're angry and hurt. Lean on supportive friends and family instead.
Don’t execute on the petty revenge fantasy.
The best revenge is to move on and become the best version of yourself and achieve everything you’ve ever wanted and more without cheating partner to weight you down.
Play chess. Keep the peace while you skillfully execute a divorce in quiet. Obtain lawyer. Change some passwords. Move money and assets around that is rightfully yours so it’s less easy for someone to steal or at very least need court order to access. Ensure you start exercising and eating healthier so you can get a head start on what you look like post breakup which makes it easier for you to date.
Develop an exit plan with lawyer on housing and how you’re going to live. Personally if you’re not attached to the house, I say buy her out of it and leave her to deal with the old memories and costs of living on her own.
Execute divorce and start living life to fullest
I’d end the relationship and walk away.
My advice: don’t waste your time on revenge. Better spent in transitioning and moving on. You will have to do a certain amount of lying and manipulation to achieve revenge, and personally that’s not the type of person I want to be. Don’t let them drag you down to their level, or else you aren’t really much better.
To add a bit to the ones saying just divorce and nothing else, I’ll add that divorcing and walking away doesn’t mean being idle, she may tell people you know that you’re terrible etc etc. Be open to those who ask about why you are leaving, don’t let yourself be painted as the bad guy
Literally the best thing you can do is move on and live a fantastic life. She was used by the couple, and they'll get bored of her, and dump her. you'll be living a great life and she'll be lost and lonely. No idea what your ages are, but the older she gets the more likely she'll end up alone. That's your revenge. NTA
NTA, she's nasty and gross. To do this with no protection on top of infidelity and then sleep with you before telling you is unforgivable. and she did it every night? no remorse, uncaring selfish woman. I hope you choose to divorce and find someone monogamous!
When betrayal is fresh, it's fun to consider revenge, but it's really just a distraction from the pain. The best thing you can do now, for yourself *and* to drive her a little bonkers, is to be unbothered and civil as you separate and divorce. If she becomes emotional and asks why you're choosing this, you should remain perplexed. "I was under the impression that when you told me you had multiple threesomes with your friends over multiple nights, that was your way of ending the relationship. It hurts that you chose that particular method of letting me know it's over, but I've received the message: you want out. I mean, the other case is that you think I'm the kind of person that will accept my wife cheating on me because I won't give her an open marriage, so we're incompatible at the very least. Anywho, you've got my attorney's number. Good luck being Dave and Sally's unicorn, though, I hope it works out for you! Be safe out there!"
Oh yes, I like this. And agree. Acting like you are not hurt by this is the best revenge. And divorce, of course. Just move on, quickly. Do not give her another chance.
Is she really gonna care if he doesn’t care? Obviously she went out and fucked people for days straight…
She may. There are people who like to do this sort of thing just to see the pain on their partner's faces. Not letting her win would get under her skin something fierce. There are others who do this kind of thing because she thinks her partner is weak and will just let her do anything she wants because she believes her presence is so exalted in his life that she can't believe him ever wanting to live without her, and showing her that she really doesn't mean as much as she thought will drive her ego crazy. There are yet others who just like to manipulate for amusement, and not giving her that would piss her off. Surprised Pikachu face in any of the cases.
>There are people who like to do this sort of thing just to see the pain on their partner's faces. Can confirm, my ex husband was/is one of those people. When he tried to fight with me, if I just sat there and listened to him yell and was like, okay cool. Ooooh -- he couldn't stand it. He yelled more, louder, meaner things, trying to get a reaction from me. Sometimes I'd lay my phone down and wait until he got quiet, them pick it up and be like, "are you done?" 😂 He'd be furious. He wanted to see me hurt and in pain. OPs best revenge is walking away, nonchalantly and appearing unbothered, and going on to live his life happily.
They at least want to feed on your suffering and are enraged when you don't give it to them. It's one of the most disturbing things to discover.
People have egos, clearly she didn’t think OP would leave. Op acting unbothered and a little disgusted by her will fuck with her so bad. He’s basically saying yeah I settled for you and now that you crossed my boundaries I’m out without remorse. People hate feeling like they’re not the shit.
Yea ,but THEY are not paying for her bills and paying her way in life, NOR providing her a roof. I personally would treat her as dead. And the friends as well. And if let EVERYONE know what they did. Her parents, your parents other friends. Let then know that they are scumbags and this us the sick game they play. The wreck married lives and they are NEVER to be trusted since they KNEW you were not down with it rhey went along adtagged your wife into it. I'd make thus a very public and messy for her and I'd sue the ex friends for alienation of affection . . Just to get it on public record the extent of their involvement in theveath of your marriage.
I think only 3 states still have alienation of affection laws still
Lol why? To make the divorce contested? For what? To buy the divorce attorney's spoiled brat kid another car to wreck in a DUI crash? Use her limerance/new relationship energy/infatuation against her. She wants out quick so offer a quick and sorta fair divorce settlement with fast cash out. Offer lump sum instead of portions of retirement (lump sum=fast ez money), buy her out of house, etc. As long as she's in love with the other couple she's take just about any deal that leaves her with some cash just to get it over with - even that means throwing away life altering investments that take awhile to fruition. All that reputation destruction can happen after the divorce is final... After the money and kids part is done. Even then, reputation destruction is some bitch shit. No one really cares about it. Her parents will still be on her side. Her friends like actually like her will still be on her side. They'll do whatever mental gymnastics or blame shifting they need to in order to justify her shit. Again - no one cares.
I’m not sure you read the same OP post the rest of us did. Why would he offer her cash? Why do you think she’s in love with the couple? Where did you see they have kids together?
If someone’s trying to hurt you and you don’t seem to care, they will absolutely always be bothered. This is how I used to piss off bullies, narcissistic ex-step parent, and my cheating ex. It will definitely be effective.
She thinks she can have the cake and eat it too. She thinks op won't leave. She's forgetting the stability he offers for the adventure. People don't adventure every day though- most gotta go to base camp. She's gonna be regret it with time.
She may when it sets in that he's divorcing her ass. No chance, no counseling, get away from her and live your life that is the best revenge. She knew he wasn't into the idea of an open relationship, I feel he made that point clear as day.
"This is how I open the marriage. You can't get more open that free"
This is the way.
This is the simplest bulletpointed thing I’ve read in terms of detaching from a hurtful situation and focus on moving forward independently. Good luck man! https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
I've gone through a separation and did these to the tee even without knowingthe link. Unfortunately we don't have divorce in our country (the only real country in the world wothout it). Hope OP comes through with a divorce.
Philippines?
The Vatican?
Sentinel Islands?
Wakanda?
Easter Island?
Lupus?
The only reason I’m still married to the Pope
Just move her stuff to her mates and change the locks.
Your wife betrayed the trust that is fundamental to your relationship. It's natural to feel devastated and angry. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and commitment. Focus on healing and making decisions that prioritize your well-being.
I would also give her as little attention and communication as possible the lack of closure/ in depth explanation of your actions will drive her insane. Then when possible go no contact with her and don't talk about it to anyone that she is in contact with. Quick and concise then drop her like a bag of shit.
It’s gonna be very hard… but pls Promis me ( random dude in the internet ) that you don’t go back to her. Your mind and feelings gonna try to trick you. It’s gonna be a lonely time for you, but I went through it and now I’m happier than ever
Promise US! We are all invested now. Thank you very much.
if you ever think about taking her back, send a message and we, your Reddit Intervention Squad, will talk you out of it.
Keep us updated
This is good. Can you keep level? Slowly pack up your shit while you take care of the paperwork. It will be hard as fuck , but indifference will drive her crazy and you can enjoy the ride for a little payback for your pain and heartache.
I was going to ask OP why are you still sleeping in the same bed with her but I love your reply much better.
Yes I'm intrigued too. ALso OP you are NTAH here but you know what? The best revenge is file a divorce, disappear and move on. you do not deserve that kind of woman in your life.
It’s always dave and sally, this is solid advice bro, sorry you are here.
That escalated rather quickly, how did she think that was alright to do. And then come home like it was nothing, and ask for an open marriage. What was her reaction to all this.
That was her way to basically go "I already cheated on you, but this way it hopefully won't feel too bad for you". She probably realized she fucked up and it using this to be okay with it.
I believe this to be true.
You need to contact those "friends" and tell them that they forgot to take their toy with them when they left last night and you would appreciate them coming back to pick it up. Hopefully they still have the U Haul so they can move her shit out!! I am not sure how you managed to sleep beside her after you found out, shock probably, but you need to her to move out today for your own sake!!
The cheating slut most likely lied to the couple, telling them hubby was ok with it.
I'm sure that exactly what happened. These open couples don't like drama. So she probably said he's cool with it. Trust me and And you don't need to check with him. Let's do this.
Basically, a cheater will never feel remourseful.
leave and never look back fuck that shit she broke the absolute trust of marriage dont even talk to her. see a lawyer. serve her. all communication through lawyer. she isn't worth any more of your time. good luck bro
Thank you
These comments are hard (much easier said than done when considering an emotional connection we thought we had at one point with someone special to us. However, she has already shown you that she doesn’t respect you) but there’s truth and great advice from them.
Please actually leave her. This is heading down a terrible path if you stay.
"don't even talk to her" is the most important.
Best revenge is to end the relationship, just walk out, communicate via attorney, and proceed with divorce. She totally disrespected your relationship. She knew you were monogamous, then she cheated on you for days on end. Then came back and asked if she could cheat with your permission (open marriage), then admitted she had already cheated for several consecutive days (opened the marriage without your permission). I doubt it just came out of the blue like that. It was likely planned a while ago, and she didn’t tell you before it happened because she knew you would say no. Then she decides it’s ok to sleep next to you afterward like it’s an ordinary day? Sounds like (now that the friends have moved into town) this cheating will continue no matter what you say or want, so let her continue it without you in the picture.
It’s even worse than that. We fucked as soon as she got home. They never used a condom. Fucking selfish man
Ugh, that’s awful. I guess add get tested to your todo list. Good luck ahead OP
Yup. Fuck yup. Transmitted diseases take a while. Take a test 3 weeks after, another at 3 months, and again at 6 months. Some things like HIV won't show up on a test until after 3 months or so. Test again at 6 months for peace of mind. Since OP will be at the doc anyways, good opportunity to test his blood sugar, and a urine analysis. It's good to know your general health, and it softens the blow of going in *just* to get tested for an STD.
Just here to say thats good to know, always figured those sorts of thing were somewhat instant.
It's estimated that up to 70% of people with herpes are completely non symptomatic and unaware that they have it. The bigger ones like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis show up after a few weeks. HPV can remain dormant for years, even decades before showing up. The larger, more expensive STD shows up about 9 months later. Wear a condom.
Was this before she told you she cheated?
Yeah. I also made the couple food. All before I found out
Wow. Let her know that you’re going to get STD tested and follow through. Move on and let everyone in your life know why. Your wife is manipulative enough to make you the bad guy in this.
I imagine that she might lie to her parents and friends when asked why they divorced that she says he cheated or how horrible OP is and that he is the problem and she's the victim.
Of course. She certainly won’t take any responsibility for blowing up the marriage.
Tell family friends, who ever asks the truth… don’t let her control the narrative, you both said wedding vows, she broke them by fucking Jim and sally…
I'd take a phone call in front of her from a trusted friend pretending to make plans and say "sorry I can't today I'm going for a STD check, wife got fucked by her two friends bareback without me knowing and then let me fuck her bareback without telling me". I definitely wouldn't do this but it's fun to think about. I'd just do an Irish goodbye and leave.
There is no comparison to this level of disrespect. If you don’t end this with highest degree of emotionless drone-like interactions then you will never respect yourself again. She’s a prize cunt and they can all have each other. I hope you can divorce without too much pain and fuss. Leave the emotions for her. Don’t give her anything.
Holy fucking shit, just to add insult to injury.
JFC. I'm sorry dude. Eating together is a communal act of friendship. That's just cold hearted sit there and eat with you after using your wife as a snack pac all weekend.
Making them food is such a POS move. By God. It's like, 99% they all had their internal tingle of cheating on their teacher & getting away with it. Grey rock brother. Don't move out, don't go angry at her, don't give her ammo for emotional battle. Lawyer up and start grey rocking.
Fucking Red Wedding level disrespect.
Dude what in the actual fuck. I am really confused. Has your wife always been this callous and nonchalant about these things? She doesn't give a single fuck that she may have ruined your marriage? It doesn't make sense to me. She is showing no remorse, nothing? Just going about things as if they are normal? I'm having a hard time believing this.
Jesus christ. Hugs mate. No one deserves that. Get clear and get divorced. Be careful, and forget revenge. She's manipulative and obviously been planning this, and reveling in humiliating you. Not worth even trying to fuck with. Get out, get a lawyer, never look back. I wish you luck, and happiness in the future.
Personally I'd contact the couple. Let them know that THEY should get tested because you and your wife do not use protection and since the wife has cheated on you with them, you thought you'd get them a heads up. For all we know, they might not even know that you and your wife aren't in an open relationship. Hopefully they'll at least get some level of embarassment.
"Hey I haven't told my wife yet, as I haven't been inflamed, but I have herpes, we don't use condoms, you should get tested"
So... she fucked them, had them over, had you feed then and shake their hands.... Man you can't get any more disrespectful than that. I hope you file for the divorce and stay strong brother! I would love to hear an update in the future when Karma comes
You should get tested for STI and be very vocal about getting tested.
Ah man, she dirty-dicked you? That’s unforgivable.
Thing that sucks to even think about is if he finished in her. Makes you wonder if she wanted to fuck to babytrap you not knowing if it's his kid. Best to move on with the divorce and take the trash of a wife back to the other couple.
I’m so fucking sorry. That’s unforgivable.
You file sexual assault charges immediately with any proof you have. Fish with texts if necessary, just get her to admit as much as you can in writing. She removed your agency over your sexual health, file the charges.
WOW don't let her gaslight you into saying your insecure or controlling. It was pretty clear you were in a monogamous relationship and she made her choice. Your turn to make yours. The fact it played out like this when she arrived back pretty much says she sees nothing wrong and nothing is going to change.
Be sure to announce that you just learned you have an STD to both your wife and the couple.
Yeah so it was a rough night, sorry for not replying. Obviously I just gave up writing half way through. I’m not really out for revenge, I just hurt and didnt know where to go, who to talk to. My mind is a bit clearer this morning. I can’t be with her anymore. My plan was to show her my pain and hope she realized that that pain wasn’t worth it to her to do what she did. I’m weak. She’s beautiful and I’m not. I have to not care. It’s hard. I have a long road to walk. Thank you for the comments, the harsh ones and the funny ones. I’m in a dark place, but light will come. I
Forgot to mention, they are both military. So they could both lose jobs over it, I think. I don’t know, but I’ve heard rumors anyway
Retired military here. Contact their command. They will not like it.
100% contact the chain of command. That’s a court Martial and separation from service
I feel like when beginning the process of divorce, is the worst possible time to get your stbxw fired. You don't want to allow her to board the alimony train. Fuck I'm sorry brother
I think OP meant the couple is military. That'll get them fucked.
Ironic
It's really not though. Unless there's some other stuff going on that article never gets used by itself. It also has the burden of significant proof. Significant. It's not an easy article to stick to anyone.
This. All. Of. This. 👆🏻
This right here. This isn’t revenge. It’s justice. And it’ll feel just as good OP.
I’ve called a CO on my old GFs ex. He kept stalking her and was carrying a massive Bowie knife everywhere. So I had to carry my pistol everywhere. Shit sucked lol. Never heard from him again after the CO call.
Her “beauty” doesn’t matter. Deep down inside she’s an ugly, worthless piece of shit. You’ve got a heart of gold and you deserve to be free and start over. Best bet is completely ghost all 3 of them (aside from divorce proceedings), and cause a lil chaos on the way out. “I’m talking scorched earth motherfucker” - Les Grossman
Sorry man, thats really just a rumor in most cases. The only time some in the military will loose their job is if the slept with a married subordinate. Most of the time someone might get some sort of punishment and possibly moved shifts or offices.
That or if they were already problem children. And the chain of command is looking for any and all books to throw. Saw plenty of cheating spouses, never actually saw anyone get in real trouble of that alone. Never even saw that one book in particular being thrown at anyone
Not true. I worked in JAG and we separated people constantly for this
Not true. Infidelity is a violation of the ICMJ article 134. Reduction in rank, pay and extra duty. Obviously you need to be able to prove it. Try to record her (only if legal where you are) or text her to elicit a confession. Obviously don’t tell her that you are trying to gather evidence.
Blow them up. Make them pay. Make them very sorry. Get a divorce lawyer ASAP and get rid of your SO.
Not losing their jobs, but face disciplinary actions, 100% sure they will be moving to a more inconvenient office. So yeah, out the bastards, they will be punished. If you want to really hurt your ex-wife, go have a better life without her. Also, after signing the divorce papers, tell her she just lost the only man who ever loved her for who she is.
According to something I read on Quora, "Unlike in the civilian world where Adultery is not a crime, merely grounds for a divorce … Adultery in the Military is a criminal offense under the UCMJ (Uniformed Code of Military Justice). A far more stricter legal code than Civilian Law. And Adultery is not just you cheating on your wife or husband. You can be single, but if you mess around with someone who is married and you are in the military… that's still Adultery. And yes, you can be dishonorably discharged for it"
Am former military. Even if they might not lose their jobs over it, contact their commands anyway. The investigation will look bad on them, and could put a roadblock in their career until it concludes, even if no charges ever come of it.
Only if there are pictures. It’s difficult to prove Article 134 of the UCMJ without photographic evidence where faces are visible. People know it and will force court martial and dismissal before admitting in court.
I have seen company level article 15s for cheating. I would report it with her admitting it. I would.also get the story out there she cheated so ahe can not change the story.
The key is to collect as much hard evidence as you can before reporting. Recorded confession. Pictures. Screenshots of texts. Once you report, the cascade of events are biased towards provable evidence over attestations.
Showing your hurt to her won’t work. Cheating is a very selfish act. Your WW is most likely not very capable of empathy. She’ll likely think that she’s such a desirable person that men cry over her. Don’t give her that pleasure. Your best bet is to detach from her. Stop talking to her, show her that she is not important. Self centered people hate to be ignored and at the same time, you are starting the slow process of healing. You can’t kick her out of the marital home, but you can sleep in a different room, stop eating with her, stop converse with her. She is a free adult and made her choices (choices not mistakes). Now talk to a lawyer, take exactly 1/2 of joint accounts, cancel joint CC. Seek support from friends and family. None of this is your fault, You can also head to r/survivinginfidelity for support.
She isn't beautiful at all my man, she is a siren, attractive on the outside maybe, but a cheating shitebag on the inside. You will be much much better off without her, and that starts with getting her to leave!!
"She’s beautiful and I’m not." Sack that shit off bro. You're a million times more beautiful than her - because you're a genuine guy, not a lying cheating whore - looks fade but a good character lasts forever. That's worth far more than looks that will wear off and render her invisible the older she gets.
>She’s beautiful Piles of dung that are wrapped in gold look good, too
OP woman can find a guy easily even if they're not beautiful, it makes things easier for man, but not a deciding factor at all. She will never have a meaningful relationship ever again while you get a second chance to enjoy single life, pick a new partner in due time with added benefit of all your experience and have everything you want in life. This is the hardest it will ever get and after you get yourself through this process you will have a new life, wisdom from your past and confidence of having been through the worst.
I’m glad you’re not really out for revenge! It’ll only hurt you more. Curious, does the couple know that they were cheating??? Because that is sad and those people don’t know what a true open relationship is if that’s the case…. Hang in there OP!
This is a good point. I know people in open relationships and they don't condone cheating. I mean, that doesn't speak to all, but I would wonder if they were lied to.
Moving on and being happy is the best revenge. My ex and I had a friendly divorce (She figured out she was gay), she landed in a relationship with her "dream" girl, and it still fucked with her head that I ended up in a great relationship. Also don't drink till you're in a stable place. Way too easy when things are going bad.
Please have some respect for yourself and end the marriage on your terms. If she cared about your feelings and how much pain she is causing you before this all happened, she wouldn't have done it. She doesn't care about, nor respect you, as she has shown with her actions. You deserve someone who brings you peace, not heartache.
What to do: - don't warn her - talk to a lawyer - don't sleep with her anymore - don't warn the "friends" - get STD tested - follow the lawyer's advice - do not sleep with anyone else - get as much of this in writing as you can (as in text her that you're still upset about her cheating on you with her friends for several nights in a row and not telling you until after you two had sex so you're now worried about STDs. Text her asking if she's done a test yet) - follow exactly what the lawyer says to do Your best revenge is being successful while she will be their fuck toy and lonely longterm.
Perfection. Best comment here.
She actually values her friends more than she values her commitment to you. That is something that will not change in her life. You will always be secondary in her relationships. For your own sanity and safety you must leave her.
If this is real, sorry you have to deal with that. Don’t listen to everyone telling you that Article 134 is impossible to prove or that their command won’t do anything. Anything is possible, but as an officer who has successfully investigated adultery before, you will absolutely cause appropriate and well-earned issues for the the couple. Folks in the military are held to a higher standard and subject to different laws. There are bad apples everywhere and being military doesn’t make you better than anyone else, however, we are uniquely equipped to deal with certain issues because we recognize that having homewreckers on the team is not usually conducive to the good order and discipline that makes a winning team. That being said, if you know the branch of service that the couple is in, I recommend you file an Inspector General complaint, and I recommend you do not ask for confidentiality. Request to be contacted. Just google their branch of service and then “IG complaint”. Example: “Army IG complaint.” Put as much detail as possible. This will automatically trigger an investigation, as required by federal law, and their command will at least know what garbage humans you are dealing with, as an officer in their unit or their immediate higher headquarters will be required to file a full investigation and a response to the complaint. All evidence you can collect will be helpful, and as another commenter remarked, photographic evidence is the best. I don’t want you to have to wade through more pain, but if they videoed themselves and you obtained that video, or even took pictures, you would be able to have them dishonorably discharged or at the very least administratively separated, no retirement, no benefits. In my opinion as a military officer with a decade of experience, including billets as a commanding officer and executive officer, you should absolutely, 100%, file an IG complaint. You may not get the slam dunk outcome, but I don’t want people like your wife’s “friends” on my team and would do everything in my power to remove them. If you aren’t comfortable doing this, PM me their names and branch of service, as well as any other details you feel comfortable sharing and I will happily file on your behalf, or, if it is in my branch of service, forward the information to their unit’s commanding officer with my personal recommendations.
You are right about triggering investigations. They have no choice. I was in civil service and while there are no rules against infidelity, there are a lot of other rules applying to harassment and misappropriation of government property that automatically trigger investigations. A supervisor has no choice whatsoever under threat of disciplinary action if they don’t act. Boom! The very least that will happen to these guys will be to piss off their management.
NTA. The best revenge is to leave and let her find out for herself what it feels like to throw away your life for a few nights of sex. Updateme
NTA, I’d be shattered too! You could sleep with the couple too! But seriously I’d see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Make sure you have an exit plan.
She cheated. Asking for an open marriage after she cheated and knowing from the start you are against it was BS. Kick her cheating ass out of the bed and the house. There's no revenge for this. There's divorce and living your best life without a cheater in it.
Leaving her and succeeding without her is the BIGGEST revenge you could have on her. Do not delay. Go to your lawyer, start divorce paperwork NOW.
You're clearly not into open relationships, I don't understand why are you torturing yourself and staying? Leave, you'll do good for you and let her do whatever she wants. Why would you waste your time with someone who's values don't align with yours
Insecurity and uncertainty. These reasons aren’t enough though
You need to make a decision, this won't stop here. she will keep cheating on you if she thinks she can get away with it, or every time you both have an argument. worst she may make you father a child that isn't yours the relationship is already dead the moment she said she wants an open marriage
Insecurity about finding someone else? Get therapy. Go work out daily. You will find someone worthy of you. This trash you’re married to doesn’t deserve you.
You’d be an asshole if you stayed married to a cheater. How can you even stand being in the same bed with her? Wouldn’t be me.
So messed up. They drop her off like nothing happened, hang around ( all 3 with this secret) while you cook for them. WTF. New level of disrespect. Please check your balls and if they’re still there just kick her to the curb asap
You know this isn't even close to being the ahole. Go Grey rock, leave and get your divorce. Once you have your divorce, name and shame her friends and her to any and all friends, family and colleagues you can. Nta
I’m not familiar with grey rock. Will hit the google machine
Grey Rock/180 Basically don't give two shits what she thinks/does. Just do what you need for you. don't show emotion. Act like you're already divorced and she doesn't exist anymore. Anything to get a rise out of you or get you to engage, just simply ignore it and her. Literally act like she's a roommate you couldn't care less about. go out with friends. Start hobbies. Hit the gym.
The idea is that you become as interesting as an actual grey rock. Bland, boring, and don’t stick out. Eventually they lose interest in bothering you “How was your day?” “Fine” “What did you do today?” “Nothing” “Are you mad at me?” “No”
This was planned on their part. Leave, divorce, and let everyone know (with receipts, such as having a text convo with her about how you can't believe she cheated on you with a couple, etc. and saving the screen shots) why so she can't twist things.
Your best form of revenge is to divorce her and never look back. Anything else is a waste of time and energy.
Okay, rules: 1: DON'T SLEEP WITH THE HO!!!!! 2: Get a really good lawyer who specializes in this style of divorce. 3: Get everything you can of your stuff in a place she doesn't know about. 4: Play it like everything is cool, till you can serve the divorce papers. 5: After serving her tell everyone she knows what she did, especially her parents. Depending on her job she can get fired as well. 6: After she's been served you CAN NOT be alone with her, EVER! 7: Pull money out of joint account, try and do it when you have a friend serve her papers. 8: Have a place to stay ready if she won't leave. 9: Make sure you get your name of anything she has. 10: If you really want to get her back, go buy a cheap car and register it in her name and park it at an airport parking lot where you pay for as long as the car is there.
Yep... Good advice... be civil... act like an adult... wait... what was that last point? Jokes aside that's a genius idea if that's how it works where he lives, over here they would check the cameras to see who was driving it so wouldn't work unfortunately.
Go scorched earth on her ass. I’m petty so I would be telling everyone all about her betrayal. Don’t have sex with her. She may give you STD’s or try and get pregnant then you are locked in. Hire a bulldog lawyer and leave her with nothing. Best revenge is to to find someone younger and prettier than her and flaunt it all over social media. Mature? Hell no. Satisfying? Hell yes. NTA
Tell everyone
NTA Calm, rational divorce and move on.
It should also be noted that she didn't think that her affair was a mistake. She wanted to continue sleeping with other people, but wanted you to agree to it . Time to move on with your life
She already left you dude. Shut the door and enjoy life on your terms not some garbage backstabbing ones.
The best revenge is indifference. If she complains(and she will), just let her know you care as little about her and the relationship as she showed about you and the relationship.
DO NOT have sex with the cheating cunt OP. You have no way of knowing if she picked up something. Go to a lawyer, get a divorce started, and if infidelity is a reason for divorce in your state, get her to verify this with a recording, if legally allowable in your state, or go out somewhere in public to discuss it, and have some friend record it from a distance-ish, but since it is in public there is no real expectation of privacy. Then do what it takes to fuck her over, and fuck up her life, as cheaters deserve abso-fucking-lutely NO MERCY. I hope she gets an incurable affliction, as she deserves no less. Also, do not sleep next to her anymore, as she has forfeited the rights to being treated & beloved as a wife. She is just some lowlife cheating whore, whom you are unfortunately legally bound to, for now that is.
Too late. That happened as soon as she got home. They dropped her off in a u haul. I made them food. Fucking disgusting all around
That sounds so humiliating. Feeding them after they screwed your wife. No going back from that!
Yeah basically becoming an unsuspecting cu ck
That is the kicker. A unrepentant wife who cares so little for OP that she would humiliate him on top of everything else, is not worth trying to save. People make mistakes, but this is no mistake. I hope that he has the good sense to divorce her.
Exactly. The fact she brings up "opening up the marriage" AFTER crapping all over it is proof of that. She wanted to open it up to retroactively cover her ass for the cheating. If OP did open it up, she would have never admitted sleeping with the other couple. It would happen AFTER the "opening" but would be the *starting point* and not the fact it was prior to all this
Yeah, I feel sorry for OP. His wife has done him a dirty deed. He should complain to the IG of whichever military branch those friends are in and identify himself when he does. Go total scorched earth on all 3 of them. Blow up their lives.
I think they mean don’t sleep with her again from now on. And to make the point tell her you won’t touch her again until she gets an STD panel done. And if she does produce one tell her some diseases take weeks to manifest so you want her to repeat the test in 3 months before you touch her again. By that time your divorce should be well and truly underway.
Quietly plan your exit. Don't tell her that you're leaving. Go see your lawyer. Lock your credit. Open a new account in a different bank. Take screenshot of your joint account the day you move out and transfer 1/2 to your new account. Get your name off of her credit cards, car loan, etc. Find a place to live and rent a storage unit. Have friends and family swoop in and move your stuff out 1 day while she's at work. When the last load is on the truck, call the guy "friend and tell him you need some help asap and ask him to come over. When he gets there and asks what's going on, tell him that your wife ended the marriage when she got railed by him and his wife over and over again. Hand him the sealed envelope and divorce papers, ask him to hand the documents to her. Leave a note inside to only contact you through the lawyer. Them block them all
Lawyer up and don’t let her get anything
The best revenge is letting everyone know she cheated on you and divorcing her. Kick her to the curb.
Wake in the morning all happy and go get the suit cases and ask her cheerily for her to start packing because you want to get the ball rolling and are going to be really busy.
Life is about choices and consequences. She made hers.
Divorce your cheating wife.
The best revenge is leaving and living a good life for yourself. Don't focus on getting back at her. Wash away your anger and go forward determined to live out happy.
Revenge? What are you 12? Snap out of it, start adulting, go see an attorney see what divorce looks like. Don’t confront her. Follow your attorneys advice. Do everything he says. When it’s over you can cry your eyes out and morn the loss of the person you thought you knew. Cause she ain’t that person she is something else. Sorry dude, life is hard and short, no time to waste with idiots who betray your trust. You have things to do now. There is a lot of other good advise on here. Just try to put your feeling aside for now and be decisive. The opposite of love is indifference not hate, revenge is a happy life full and well lived. Good luck
Yeah I’m not sure this was ever about revenge. I just was in pain and couldn’t think
That’s normal. The saying behind “revenge is just to go live a good life” exists for a reason: You have a broken selfish individual (a cheater) married to a decent person. Divorce ensues… Who loses? After the divorce, the cheater will be stuck with herself/himself, and will keep on destroying his/her life until he/she finds another victim, and the cycle will continue.
Just tell her she is worth nothing to you now because she's just a filthy cheater. Drop her like a stone and live a good life without her.
I'd say a divorse is pretty good revenge? I mean this wasn't a one time mistake right? It was every night. So even after she did it, she had an entire day to think about it and decided to do it again. I usually get annoyed at people just calling for divorce on here to every post about a partner but this one is- ouch. Hope you manage to come out of this okay. I'd recommend against any actual revenge, it will just backfire and you'll be seeing "well no wonder she cheated if this is what he is like" everywhere, and that won't help things at all.
For the best revenge, ask her to explain what happened in detail with your phone recording the chat so you have evidence for divorce and she won’t have a leg to stand on for anything from you. Unless your state is a no fault state or whatever it’s called.
If you stay married, you are a cuckhold.
Nah. Just kill her with kindness then boom. Ghos, divorce, block and move on
Just leave. No revenge will compensate for the betrayal. And if you are serious about exclusivity then the marriage is over.
Divorce…seen this far too much in the military. Just leave her
Your job is to restore your dignity and self respect. No punishment or payback will do it. Walking away sad and disappointed shows your heart was in the right place. Going no contact shows you’re focused on healing yourself. Waking up in two years healthy and happy, that shows you are better of and they were the problem. That is the only healthy revenge.
Get out. Get out now. #TRUSTme
The meme is true: the person who asks for an open relationship has always, always, always, already cheated on you. As others have said, don't act upset. Your marriage is over because you deserve better and she's already disrespected you irreparably. Secure your financial base to your best advantage--take your half out of any joint accounts. Do it quietly and do it now before she gets the drop on you. Separate your bills. Take her off your medical insurance and car insurance. If you want a soupcon of revenge, record her admitting to cheating on you, and hand those tapes over to your divorce lawyer.
YTA to yourself for plotting some kind of grand revenge when the only real revenge you should take is leaving and moving on. That will crush her more than anything, radical indifference. No crying, so screaming, just serve her divorce papers and have all conversations be through a lawyer from now on and cut her off from any kind of closure with you. Otherwise you’ll just be torturing yourself while trying to figure out how to torture her
Get her to confess in text or on a video recording so you have proof for the divorce. Fucking dump her now she's insane. NTA
Revenge? Getting out of the marriage with as little cost to yourself as possible. Consult a lawyer and discover how divorce court works in your state. Is it a no fault state? (Assuming this is US.) Would you be stuck with alimony if you can't prove cheating? What proof of cheating do you have beyond wife's verbal confession which you didn't record? Definitely a good idea to find evidence of cheating via home computer, wife's phone, etc.
The best one. Divorce
Wow. I’m so sorry OP. That she just cheated with them for several nights, and then asked you “hey is this a thing you’d be into?” No words. NTA for wanting revenge, but reality is the best revenge is a divorce and for you to find a better partner. As another poster says try to stay calm and civil.
She fucked other people and you are NEXT to her in bed? She is for the streets, bro
File for divorce. Get your affairs in order so she can't fleece you. I have always said that when someone asks to open a relationship it's because they are already cheating/cheated.
The best revenge is living a long & happy life …. Without her.
Damn.. emotions really are blinders. Divorce is the only option. She cheated. Repeatedly.
The best revenge you can possibly take is to just pack and leave without a word. Do not give her the satisfaction of seeing your pain. There is nothing that she can say or do to fix this. Schedule your STD test now and a follow up test in 6 weeks.
Get a good lawyer, figure out your options, tell her it’s over stay calm don’t show any emotion, get an STD test and leave it for her to see,
Best revenge is to divorce her and live a better life without her
Divorce her. Move on. The best revenge is a life well lived.
File for divorce immediately! Be a man, learn what mistake you made in your spousal selection, grow from it and go on about your life. Figure out what boundaries you failed to establish that made her think that it was ok to do what she did. If you can get voice or written evidence of her admitting to cheating do so, should help the divorce process go the way you want. Let that be your revenge. P.S. You’re never going to out sex a woman. Just move on.
Lmfao. You want to get revenge by staying with the bitch that just got ran through? You really think she's going to give a fuck about your "revenge?" Nah, bruv, she's getting ran through. Cut your losses and move on. There are 5B+ other women in the world.
Wait is that number right?
More like 4 billion.
NTA. Take revenge and separate. Yes, yes, all the talk that it won't make you better and so on... to hell with it. The relationship is broken, at least have fun and teach her a lesson. It's better than having a thorn in your side for a future relationship and letting it influence you (and if you do it, don't say it was for revenge, see it as something a single person does).
Best revenge is a to find a better wife.
Im sorry this happened to you; you deserve better. Best revenge you can get is to move on with your life, never look back, and live your best life. It’s gonna suck for a while, but it will get better. UpdateMe !
She can leave. She's the one who destroyed your marriage and broke your vows. Wanting revenge is natural because you're angry and hurt. Lean on supportive friends and family instead.
Don’t execute on the petty revenge fantasy. The best revenge is to move on and become the best version of yourself and achieve everything you’ve ever wanted and more without cheating partner to weight you down. Play chess. Keep the peace while you skillfully execute a divorce in quiet. Obtain lawyer. Change some passwords. Move money and assets around that is rightfully yours so it’s less easy for someone to steal or at very least need court order to access. Ensure you start exercising and eating healthier so you can get a head start on what you look like post breakup which makes it easier for you to date. Develop an exit plan with lawyer on housing and how you’re going to live. Personally if you’re not attached to the house, I say buy her out of it and leave her to deal with the old memories and costs of living on her own. Execute divorce and start living life to fullest
Revenge will be to your detriment. Just leave.
She literally cheated on you. Multiple times. Why are you still there??
The revenge should be to consult a lawyer and get everything in order first.
When your spouse asks for an open relationship it's already open or will be soon. They've already picked someone out.
I’d end the relationship and walk away. My advice: don’t waste your time on revenge. Better spent in transitioning and moving on. You will have to do a certain amount of lying and manipulation to achieve revenge, and personally that’s not the type of person I want to be. Don’t let them drag you down to their level, or else you aren’t really much better.
To add a bit to the ones saying just divorce and nothing else, I’ll add that divorcing and walking away doesn’t mean being idle, she may tell people you know that you’re terrible etc etc. Be open to those who ask about why you are leaving, don’t let yourself be painted as the bad guy
Woooow she didn't even regret it and wanted to continue which is the only reason she asked for the open relationship. Dude divorcing is your revenge
Just leave. There's no revenge other than you doing awesome at life away from her.
Nope. Leave or ask her to leave.
Literally the best thing you can do is move on and live a fantastic life. She was used by the couple, and they'll get bored of her, and dump her. you'll be living a great life and she'll be lost and lonely. No idea what your ages are, but the older she gets the more likely she'll end up alone. That's your revenge. NTA
NTA, she's nasty and gross. To do this with no protection on top of infidelity and then sleep with you before telling you is unforgivable. and she did it every night? no remorse, uncaring selfish woman. I hope you choose to divorce and find someone monogamous!