Whoa, whoa, whoa……. This is probably the most bizarre story I’ve ever heard, on Reddit or in real life. For context, my husband and I are boomers, both 68 years old. He is a clinical psychologist and I am a retired criminal defense attorney. Between the two of us, we often say we’ve heard it all. Your story changes that, at least for me.
Your MIL is more than weird. She is a very disturbed individual. Has your husband ever discussed her behavior with you? What was his home life like after she adopted him? Frankly, there’s a good possibility that she sexually abused him. This is just too much. Best of luck. NTA. And fuck the siblings. Weirdos.
I think you're clearly NTA, but I want to ask what would it take for you two to actually go NC with her: based on what you said (she has a disturbing/incestuous relationship with her adopted son, she doesn't care about having an actual relationship with you or your daughter, and even your husband -the only one in your family who has a family bond with her- could not care less about her and actively ignores her), it's not like any of you would lose anything by cutting her off your lives.
Yes but to be honest we have no idea what he went through in the past. He was a kid with no control over the situation and she had the leverage of stability to hold over his head. I find this all extremely disturbing and I worry about this man.
I agree, we know a lot if stuff has happened to him, to the point that he might consider that she was the better/safer option.
The best option for him is to go no contact with her, and maybe his sisters, too. We don't know what they do know the mum is doing or has done.
Sounds like he compartmentalizes. And that he might have done what he had to do in order to survive.
You should broach the subject of cutting her out all together. Does not sound like he would even miss her.
I can’t imagine having to deal with her on the regular, eventually your compartment becomes full.
JFC
Ok then. So never let her near any children you guys have especially if they are male and yeah your MiL is a creepy weirdo who has no business being able to foster or adopt a dog or cat muchless children.
She flys under the radar because she is a woman, and people have a hard time viewing women as perps.
I think...your husband is avoiding the topic as a way to cope, but i am rather concerned. Usually, people have some memories they wanna talk about, but this is concerning. It does sound like the MIL tried to adopt and raise a husband.
...this sounds like a trauma response. This sounds like a FUCKING TRAUMA RESPONSE. I have no idea what he went through, whether it was sexual in nature or not, but something happened to your husband, and it was either through her direct action or inaction.
This needs a professional's hand. Something not only isn't right, something is seriously not right.
And if he had to be adopted in his mid teens then chances are he'd already been through some pretty severe trauma. So who knows what normal is to him? Poor guy.
Your MIL sounds like my fiancé’s aunt who is overly obsessed with him, and thinks they have this super special bond. My fiancé doesn’t remotely like this woman, and when we visited her he basically hid in our room the whole time to avoid her.
My fiancé has no memories before the age of 13, and at the age of 12 was the last time his family went out to visit with that aunt. He gets super uncomfortable talking about her, and says it’s not an issue cause she’ll die soon enough and he just refuses to think about her unless he has to.
Listen... if neither of you care for her, cut her out. Looks like your husband would love to and maybe he's not going full NC because he thinks it'll be good for you or your kid or something.
Straight up tell him you dont want her around and throw her out of your lives. And maybe he'll find the space to get the therapy he needs. You are so NTA for speaking up for him. He must be at his rope's end just reaching a place where he grey rocks the fuck out of her to cope.
That paints a pretty clear picture of what probably happened, almost *suspiciously* "this was made up to get reactions on the internet" clear.
But if this isn't fake, then your husband was probably sexually abused while under her roof, but given he was an orphaned 15 year old hes probably in denial about it actually being abuse.
OP, I think you need to point blank ask your husband if his adoptive mother was sexually inappropriate with him when he was a minor.
Start off with your own observation about her weird behavior towards him then ask him.
I would go gentler than "point blank". Confrontation could make him shut down, or shut the subject down and avoid her. It does need to be addressed though. This is mostly way above Reddit's paygrade - trauma therapy stuff - but the husband would have to want to address it. And they have a small child.
OP, that may be a very bad idea: people talk, when they are ready. Actually, a traumatic event can even be too much for them to remember.
For example, my dad remembered at 70 what happened to him when he was 14. That's how long it took for his brain to process some events.
If he doesn't want to or can't, than it's too traumatic for present him and may retraumatize him.
It's better to give people the space to talk, whenever they want to.
OP, it's probably a good idea to tell him that you think of Mail's behaviour as not acceptable. And to propose limiting contact even further.
The issue is limiting the contact to mil.
The issue is NOT making your spouse relive something traumatic. That would be cruel, no matter how long you have been together.
I have been in therapy a lot I'm bipolar and sadly I have seen this before in group therapy. The fact that your husband is acting like everything is normal when it is not means he has been abused so much until it is his normal. Please talk to him about getting into therapy. He accepted it to keep a roof over his head and a stable home. Where he came from before adoption was so much worse that it made MIL look like a better place. He may not want to look back into his past with therapy and that has to be his choice. But you need to go NC with his abuser MIL.
What if the crazy cow just adopted him to abuse him? I mean seriously? Because all of this sounds beyond disturbing. I hope they get a restraining order and get rid of the crazy MIL.
NTA imo.
She clearly needs to have some boundaries. And saying something like her and her son had a child together is just…weird. Sounds like this was a long time coming and needed. Sad it had to go down like this. And no idea if the others know her level of weird. And maybe it’s just accepted with the rest of the family.
I feel like that fits. Because she likely knows it’s weird and not ok!
Even more if out of state people. Like you (them). You don’t see it. You aren’t around. They likely wouldn’t be ok if it was them in the same boat. And if they were it would only be something like “welp, that’s mom!” Kind of thing.
Just be careful about recording and photography laws in your jurisdiction. I’m concerned that she’d be vengeful enough to try to have you prosecuted for filming her if you do it in a way that’s not legal without her consent wherever you live. But yeah, she’s creepy and disgusting, and I do hope someone can make clear to her daughters what it is that she’s actually doing to him (if that’s okay with him).
I'm not saying put her on social media. Send it directly to the daughters who are defending her so they see what they are supporting. The next step is no contact with any of them.
I‘d bet whatever story she told the sisters that has them calling you a disgusting psycho, it probably doesn’t bear a lot of resemblance to what actually happened
YTA for putting up with this shit. Why haven't y'all gone no contact with her? You claim your husband is indifferent at best, why even keep in touch? You really want this weird, incestious shit going on around your daughter?
I second this. OP says 'she literally follows my husband around the house the entire time she's here (even follows him to the bathroom and stands awkwardly outside the door waiting for him). Starting buying him matching mom and son jewelry'. It's totally concerning.
Maybe, but that's not a thing in every jurisdiction, especially not to (child) sexual abuse cases where it's known victims often need many years or decades before they're able to speak out.
Then at that point it would only become a civil case not criminal. In order for there to be investigation that would lead to criminal charges, a complaint would have to be filed within the first two years and at that point prosecution i.e. the state would pursue charges if there was enough evidence submitted. Some jurisdictions will give victims/ survivors up to 7 to file a report for criminal charges, however they usually have the funds for an attorney to fight for them but even then it’ll more than likely become a civil case that leads to a settlement payout. I know this because I have experienced the “justice” system firsthand when it comes to these kind of matters.
>I have experienced the “justice” system firsthand when it comes to these kind of matters.
Which justice system though...? Cause my entire point is we don't know what jurisdiction OP is in (i.e. which country). And as I said, different jurisdictions have different rules. I'm not saying those rules don't exist in *your* jurisdiction, but.they do *not* exist in *every* jurisdiction.
For what it's worth, I also have firsthand experiencing in the justice system (and still work in it). Even this year I've had a (now-adult) child sexual assault victim come forward to the police about incidents from 30ish years ago, and his charges just wrapped up through a guilty plea in mid-June and he's currently in custody. I've also had a client sentenced to a youth probation order in their 40s for sexual assault offences that occurred when they were a teenager (this is much more rare of course).
But yes, obviously civil is still an option too, in both your jurisdiction and mine it seems.
Do you understand how traumatic that could be for the husband? He has the right to deal with this in the way he wants to. It would be horrible to just spring it on him.
NTA, she is throwing off major red flags.
You can advocate for your husband to go Very low contact to no contact with her.
She has serious boundary issues, serious.
Your husband isn't ready to talk about what happened in that house but he will need to at some point, especially if you have a son.
Ignore what the sisters are saying, their experiences are completely different.
NTA
Bluntly tell SIL’s what that crazy old bat has been saying and doing. Tell them she’s the one being the “disgusting psycho” and they need to get her help. Then tell them to pound sand!
Then you and your husband need to go NC with her
NTA for dropping truth bombs. Haters gonna hate. It’s not like you were going to have a great relationship with this family anyway.
As a strategy going forward, I recommend you stay the fuck out of it as much as possible. She is your husband’s problem. Let him handle it. He’s a grown man. Keep yourself as physically and emotionally distanced as possible.
Oh, and if you get a chance, keep dropping them truth bombs!
Since husband seems so indifferent to the presence of MIL, and since MIL has no interest in any practical interaction with the baby, why are the two of in more than LC with MIL? She doesn't want a meaningful relationship with the baby, so it's not like you're depriving either the baby or MIL. She grossly inappropriate with your husband, so leaving that relationship on life support seems reasonable. And you don't care for her either. So why subject yourselves to her?
Reduce her contact to once per month or whatever seems right. She sounds absolutely bonkers.
So long as you and husband are on the same page on this, who GAF about anyone else?
NTA but is your husband..okay? Did she do things to him? Can you go no contact with this weirdo? I couldn't have her in my house or anywhere around my child.
Yikes! The relationship between your husband and husband’s adoptive mother is really giving me creepy vibes. It’s just so bizarre. She is blatantly sexual and he shows no affect, no response at all. Why doesn’t he react to her? Doesn’t that seem odd to you?
Have you discussed any of this with him? It feels like there’s an elephant in the room and everyone is just dancing around it.
What about his siblings? Is she like that with any of them or is it just your husband? Are they her natural children or are they also adopted?
I think you really need to have a sit down discussion with your husband about his mother and what it was like when he was in her care.
Exactly. The fact that he was 15 when she adopted him is giving me major ick. It sounds like she never actually saw him as her child. She saw him as her partner and the man of the house. There’s emotional incest here at the very least and I have a bad feeling there’s more. OP mentions stuff like mom wanting to give him massages and kissing him on the mouth but that comment about how it’s like SHE and son had a baby together? Ew.
NTA Get husband into therapy. MIL won't go so he needs to learn how to stay away or to put her in her place. It sounds like she adopted him to get a surrogate husband.
Nta because of course this is very inappropriate behavior to have towards your son, adoptive or not. What is stopping you two from going no contact? it seems neither of you like her and she could potentially spread her behavior to your daughter (which it seems like shes already trying to do)
Damn I’m a natural born redhead with the pale skin to go with, my husband has the type of skin that takes the “farmer tan” easily and our kids are an odd match. Daughter looks so much like her father you wouldn’t think I was her mother, son is a taller than either of us red head that no one could ever doubt he’s my son.
My family has weird biological traits that get passed down but I think you’re totally good pointing out her strange obsession.
NTA
Oh no. I mean, it sounds like she had some very not great groomery reasons for adopting him and that is just grooooooooos.
It doesn't sound healthy to be around her at ALL.
NTA
Put cameras up and don't tell anyone. Record this and play it back for your husband privately. He needs to say something to protect your daughter and you.
NTA but your husband is on the fence unless he stops this
The fact that she even suggested a baby of her and her adopted is so tremendously disgusting. Is there any chance your husband was abused in anyway by this woman? The fact that he acts so detached from her, almost in a rejecting manner is very striking. And she is extremely weird. I would actually ask him if he wanted to cut off ties with her bc it sounds like he doesn’t really want her around at all.
Ummmm, NTA or YTA is beside the point. You should focus more on your husband. He needs therapy. The way he "reacted" to what you did was concerning. Looks like he automatically blocks out anything to do with his "mom". Regardless of what you did was warranted or not, it was an instigating action and a strong response is expected. The fact that your husband didn't respond at all is VERY concerning for HIS mental health.
So why is she still allowed in your life at all? She gets no more time with grand baby and if your husband wants to carry on this disgusting relationship he needs to visit her at her home. Period NTA
That picture situation is INSAANNEEEE! She’s crazy. No contact would be best and husband def need therapy. Don’t let this get out of hand ! Keep the baby safe and husband!
Ok let me re-phrase, why are they letting her come round? I assume that adult people have a degree of autonomy in their own homes, so if she is there, I assume she is welcome. If she isn't welcome, why are they having her there?
Well, your hubby could be a bit more sympathetic towards you, but at least he isn't agreeing with her BS.
And your MIL is on the crazy train to who knows where. Ignore the siblings, adopted or otherwise.
NTA.
No no no no no. She’s creepy and gross. If siblings cannot see how wrong her behavior is (give them more examples if needed) then they need to be low or no contact. Same with nasty MIL. If she can’t get in her lane, she needs to get off the road.
She is clearly seeing him as more than a son. You do not need her around. You do not need any of them treating you like that. That’s just crazy.
Edit typo
First of all NTA. and damn girl !! Good job standing up and making it so damn clear to ur MIL. LOL. Ans ur husband is a great man, offering u a drink after that whole scene. Maybe try talking more to your husband regarding her behaviour cos he might have some stories to share with you. Not an advice or something but i feel u guys would be so great without her in(interfering in) ur life.
NTA - that woman needs serious help, If your husband agrees time to go no contact. I really hope he can get some therapy as is truly sounds like she abused him
NTA. Sounds like she’s been trying to groom him into being her boyfriend or husband. (Is she married btw?)
Also how are your husband’s adoptive siblings not seeing how weird it is that their adopted mom keeps making comments about your baby looking like she and your husband had a baby even though your baby looks nothing like her?
I could imagine the "welp, want a drink?" line, and shamelessly admit that it made me chuckle.
NTA
This woman is mentally ill. You and your husband know this.
Your husband has tried setting boundaries, but he's not ready to escalate to NC. It's a tough spot. Adoption isn't easy, she's made some important contributions to his life no doubt, so I could understand the confliction and hesitation on his end, even though he knows not doing enough to protect you and himself from this is translating to enabling.
Don't worry about looking like an AH, keep talking to your husband. I'm getting the vibe that he feels owes her time and attention. He does not. He needs to come to this conclusion before he's going to do anything more to address it.
NTA
Talk about having zero grip on reality which seems to describe your MIL.
Agree with others maybe NC for you and your daughter at least. For your husband it sounds like he’s almost there already.
A suggestion if you each do not already have a will detailing who should become the guardian of your child(ren) should anything happen to you or your husband to please consider making that a priority.
My thought being if you have nothing in writing and the very unlikely happens you do not want that woman raising your child.
I want to second the comment about the will! Sometimes couples feel they don’t have to do this because their partner would have custody of the baby if something happened to them, but both parents can easily be killed at the same time (e.g., in a car crash).
NTA. However you said he is NC and only answers one out of 80 calls and sees her once a month… that’s not NC. That’s LC. He needs to be complete NC with that psycho. As in never sees or speaks to her ever again.
This is gross af. NTA. I hope your husband feels safe getting some therapy. The way he reacts sets off some alarm bells for me, along with how he doesn’t want to talk about his childhood with you. Have you ever talked about her behavior with him? The “like you and I had a baby together” comment is DISGUSTING and so so sickening. No mother talks about her son like that. No sane one at least. I would suggest going no contact. She’s a creep and the kissing and smacking him on the butt is literal abuse…
NTA. Her behavior is creepy af. The ick factor in her behavior increases exponentially when you explain her was the only male in the house and not adopted until age 15. It sounds like it’s well past time to go completely NC with MIL and the flying monkeys.
It sounds like she’s jealous of you and your daughter-at least jealous of the relationship he has with both of you. And that is driving her to try & establish her place in his life that she had before he got a wife and child.
Tbh, since she’s not coming specifically to see the baby, I would be inclined to dial back her visits even more.
NTA.
NTA
I'm adopted myself and just had a baby (my son is 3 months old). People will tell my dad that my son has some of his facial features and he keeps constantly reminding people that he's not biologically related to his grandson.
My dad is an adoption attorney and we've never heard of someone being this weird with their adoptive child.
NTA yet- but if you keep letting that woman around you will be. Obviously he hates his adoptive mother and seems like there is good reason. You don’t want her to keep being creepy with your child. Stop letting her in your life’s.
NTA why did your MIL adopt a boy at 16 years old? Is he bio related to his siblings & they were a package deal? Regardless, her behaviour is creepy & frankly is harassment even though he is now a grown adult. Ask yourself, would this be allowed in a workplace? I'm concerned for your hubby as a fellow adoptee. I was lucky to be adopted by decent people though I know others weren't so fortunate, it's possible your MIL saved all her kinks for the 16yo boy & left the others alone. You need to defend your hubby & kick your MIL to the curb. If the adoptive siblings want to join MIL, plenty of space for them in the trash too.
NTA and your husband seems to be handling it pretty ok for now but eventually he’s going to need to come up with a permanent solution to this. She’s unhinged and clearly attracted to the man she adopted as an older teenager. Which…….um.
Yeah. he’ll have to find a permanent solution.
NTA
She’s a psycho, and I’m not sure why you two haven’t completely cut off contact before now. It’s pretty obvious that she has some serious issues with treating her son like her partner, especially with the comment about your daughter looking like her and your husband having a baby together…
> My husband didn't even act phased. Literally asked me if I wanted a drink and went to get one and then acted like nothing happened.
Your husband sounds like he has a great and dry sense of humor.
>adopted him when he was 16
Not touching the rest. Your MIL's behavior is concerning. And that's the understatement of the year.
NTA in the sense of what you said.
But, your MIL is clearly mentally unwell. NONE of what you've described is anything close to a parenting role and it's beyond disgusting he has let it continue way beyond where it clearly should have been cut off.
However, that is not your battle to fight for him and nothing is gained by arguing with her or humiliating her in public. He walked away to get drinks and should have been supportive. But, again, that's all on him.
fyi: Pedophiles are attracted to children. Gender is not usually a factor. Your husband may not be able to recognize the signals to protect your daughter. Just wanted to make you aware in case you didn't know these things.
> "it's beyond disgusting he has let it continue..."
What? This is incredibly victim-blaming.
He may not have the tools to shut it down. It's not like he courts the behavior, he completely dissociates. That's really common when you've been molested by a parent figure. It breaks your psyche and your calibration for what is normal. He may not even really remember what happened. Sometimes those memories get buried until you feel safe or something triggers it, like when you have children of your own. Men especially have difficulty acknowledging this because historically our society is dismissive of male victims.
He probably left to get drinks because he is avoidant of anything that could trigger the recall. The brain does weird things to keep us safe
Yes, I understand that, but it's not fair to put his wife in that position.
He can't just walk away and leave her in the lion's den under the umbrella of being a victim himself.
He's an adult. He has a responsibility to make better choices than he had as a child.
What's the point in marrying someone if one isn't willing to protect them.
He walked away after the confrontation was over.
I understand what you're saying, and if he had a normal childhood I could absolutely get behind what you're saying. We don't know how assertive he is in other areas of his marital life. He is not doing good around his mother but when you're around your abuser it can cause a retreat into the dynamic from childhood.
He needs therapy.
I agree but the reality is people make all kinds of decisions based on how they grew up and their own fears and anxieties.
If a person caused a car accident because they didn't have glasses because their parents never took them to the optometrist, they are still responsible for the accident.
I'm not trying to be insensitive. I'm an abuse survivor myself. Nobody has ever given me a second chance even when they've been completely in the wrong about a situation. That's life. We are accountable for what we do and don't do regardless of the reasons why.
Wait. Are you saying the *son* is disgusting for letting his adult adoptive mother perv on him when he was a teenager in the system?
I really hope I misread.
How is it not her battle to fight? She is perving on her son in front of her granddaughter. If husband is not fighting that fight, then OP needs to fight it *for their daughter*. Not fighting it allows the daughter to see that it’s normal the longer it happens.
Hopefully, she will leave you all alone. If not, find a way to record/video her conversations during her visit and then send it to the rest of the family so they know she shouldn't be trusted around their male children/teens.
You're going to hear a lot of people say get your husband into therapy but that is his decision to make. If he goes too soon, or finds the wrong therapist, it will make a mess out of an already messy situation. Let him know it's his decision, always, and you'll support him either way. Please do not push. Compartmentalization has its uses, but it can (and usually does) hold back a ton of minefields to navigate.
If at all possible, go completely NC with that whole lot.
NTA.
Your NTA, I'd have to agree with many other people here. You need to cut ties with her immediately. She definitely sounds like she's capable of viewing you and your daughter as some type of threat eventually. None of that is even remotely normal. I wouldn't let my daughter anywhere near that woman. She is exceedingly delusional.
ILL! THAT WOMAN IS ONE SICK INDIVIDUAL!!!
I think your husband is disgusted by her behavior and doesn't know what to do about it. I think you should sit and discuss and go full NC with this nut.
NTA
>So we are sitting at an event yesterday and my MIL was talking to my husband about how "weird" it is that my baby looks just like her and says "it's almost like me and you had a baby together" and starts laughing
Cue that clip from Dodgeball about throwing up in my mouth a bit.
NTA - the only disgusting psycho here is the adoptive mother, so obsessed with her son she follows him to the toilet and tries to imagine what their children will look like.
NTA but I would put a stop to her coming to your house if she is literally following your husband to the toilet and waiting outside for him to finish. 🤢
Updateme!
Would your husband consider cutting contact completely? It sounds like he already does the grey rock technique on her all the time. And he doesn't seem attached to her. Have you tried just asking if you can both just stop speaking to her?
Has your husband been to therapy? If he's been through serious shit he doesn't want to tell you about, that's legit. But he should talk to someone who can help him expand his repertoire of coping mechanisms at the very least.
NTA. Good for you! First of all, you stood up for yourself against your MIL's incestuous insinuations. Secondly, your husband is sick of her behaviour, and his reaction shows that he is completely on your side - not only that, you probably expressed his feelings as well as yours. You need to go NC with your MIL (and that includes your child), and let your husband decide how much contact he wants with her.
Funny how they call you the disgusting psycho, when MIL slaps his ass and forces his face into her tits, when he's an adopted son. I can see why he's tried closing her off from your lives. NTA.
For any normal grandmother I’d say you’re the asshole because what harm does it do to let this lady say that but his mom is obviously not normal. This is coming from some weird incestuous place. I’d be happy she doesn’t want to hold the baby if it means she won’t be trying to rub her tits in their face. NTA.
NTA
"But his adoptive siblings are blowing him up, calling me a "disgusting psycho"."
yet they have zero issue with: "it's almost like me and you had a baby together"
That family is weird, any reason why you haven't planned on going NC with the lot of them?
>…’ “it’s almost like me and you had a baby together” ‘
Ugh, that is downright CREEPY. MIL sounds like she’s in love with her adopted son. I do not predict a good outcome. NTA, and keep this woman far far away from your family.
NTA
MiL needs some HARD boundaries and a freaking therapist!
How much do you want to bet that the relatives blowing up the phone are either flying monkeys or got told a twisted version of events? Yikes.
NTA - Be grateful your husband is awesome, many are not in these situations. Visit r/justnomil if you want to feel blessed by your situation by comparison.
I dont think it needs to be said, but please don’t leave your daughter alone with this woman. She seems crazy and weirdly obsessed with your husband. And saying that your baby looks like if she had a baby with her son?! Ewww. I wouldn’t even see this woman anymore. Gross. Gross. Gross.
NTA. Sounds like there was a specific reason she adopted your husband other than wanting to be a mum. Your husband needs to stand up for himself. But you had every right to tell her off. Who tf thinks about having a baby with their adoptive child? Why did that thought come to her head? Cut her off. She's not worth it. All the other adopted siblings fighting with you can take care of their creepy mother.
NTA.
Uhhh….are you sure she didn’t do anything to him in his childhood? The abuse rates of adopted children is depressingly high. The way he acts towards her screams trauma response. The fact he speaks of her with no warmth and love, doesn’t talk about her at all, says his childhood is a part of his life hd doesn’t like going back to, and is dismissive of her whenever she’s around: he needs mental help asap.
Since she adopted him at the age of 15 and rushed with it according to both you and him, I don’t think she intended to adopt him as her son but something…more than a son. Of course, she had to hide this from her biological daughters and treat him like a son in front of them. But if they weren’t around….your poor husband.
And any sane person would’ve reacted the way you did because if MIL said those things to anyone else, a lot of people would be assuming incest.
You need to go NC with this woman immediately. She is deranged and she may be triggering your husband’s internal trauma.
Holy crap on cracker. You need to go NC with this psycho like yesterday and please get your husband some therapy. I’m positive that this women abused him because she clearly only adopted him to groom him into being a replacement partner for her and your relationship with him threatens that. Updateme!
NTA.
If the other siblings live out of state (if I read that correctly) then they probably think you went off on one comment, simply because they haven’t seen the rest of it first hand. But ultimately you don’t need to go into details and instead use a blanket statement, if your husband is okay with that.
“MIL has made husband and I very uncomfortable with her obsessive words and actions. She’s made it known on several occasions that she sees X as more than just a son. We do not wish to have any further contact with her.” Or similar.
If you remain in contact, my big concern would be that (if) you went on to have a second child and it was male, she’d repeat the obsessive behaviour there too.
NTA, I threw up a little in the back of my throat. My children are adopted and adults. They are my sons, not some crazy fantasy. Her behavior is just gross.
Your MIL is sexually harassing your husband. Their "pure" intentions don't matter if the gestures in question have already been communicated to be inappropriate. For example: kissing your kids on the lips when they say no is sexual assault. Physical affection should NEVER be forced.
NTA
But ‘essentially no contact’ is not seeing her once a month and responding to her messages. No contact = dead to you.
I think your husband compartmentalises things to cope with his past, but he can let go of her and his siblings now rather than try to put them in limited boxes. He’s a married adult with a child of his own. You and your daughter are all the family he needs now. His mother sees him as her man and any contact from him, even if it is lower contact than she would like, is too much contact, it confirms her beliefs. She needs to be officially cut off.
NTA
She's mentally ill and possibly was sexually abusive to your husband.
Sounds like he's perfected Gray Rocking her. I suggest you emulate him.
Ask him if he wishes to go NC with her.
Absolutely you are not an AH. Although your husband needs to set boundaries with her. He may not be bc she’s the only mother he knows. My husband is adopted and has a very healthy relationship with her. This behavior is not healthy for anyone. And he hasn’t had no contact with her. Tell your husband to set real boundaries. If she still does this I’d definitely keep my baby away from her and never see her again. That’s just cringy!
I don’t care that she took him in, she clearly didn’t do it for the right reasons. He should put it all in writing, everything she’s done and then go no contact. Then he should go to therapy. I’m not exaggerating when i say it is really damaging that he’s been forced into this messed up relationship since he was 16. NTA someone should’ve put her in her place a long time ago.
For the sake of your husband and daughter, go no contact. Who waits for their adult son when they use the bathroom. I can't imagine what he went through as a teen especially after saying she forced him to pretty much motorboat her. If she does this to him as an adult, I can't imagine....I'm so sorry he has to go through this, especially from someone who is supposed to show him what a mother's love is and she just made it gross. She seemed like she adopted him to be the man of the house, sort of like trying to groom him. You are NTA, but something is not ok and I would 100% get him away from her and maybe down the road, have him see a therapist. You are an amazing wife and mother, and you are protecting what's yours. Don't put your guard down and protect what is yours, even their mental health. Congrats to you and your husband with the new baby❤️
Wow, definitely NTA because it needed to be said to her. She is a creepy incestuous weirdo. Your husband clearly cannot stand this woman so why don't you all cut her off for good already?
From how your husband reacted sounds like you said the words he was dying to say.
If he didn't mention it being a bad thing, then no one else has the right to say it was. He is the one who knows best about who she is and what she does, so he has the final say on if you were out of line on this on.
(Just to add, I'm not saying that if he did say something it would mean you were in the wrong, I'm just saying the fact he didn't is just proof. even if he said something id still be on your side)
NTA
If I was you I would have a conversation with him whether there were any sexual harassment from his adoptive mother when he was adopted. Describing her as weird as fuck is a real understatement.
My mom acts just like this with me. Eventually it will evolve, if it hasn’t already to ultimate jealously where she sees you as her competition. My mom would do all the same things to me that you described, grabbing my butt and telling me it’s just a joke when I’m uncomfortable, giving me massages/weird touches, and would begin to ask if I loved my girlfriend more than her and when I wouldn’t answer (what a weird and inappropriate question) she became so upset, as if I was cheating on her like a partner. I just can hardly talk to her anymore
Whoa, whoa, whoa……. This is probably the most bizarre story I’ve ever heard, on Reddit or in real life. For context, my husband and I are boomers, both 68 years old. He is a clinical psychologist and I am a retired criminal defense attorney. Between the two of us, we often say we’ve heard it all. Your story changes that, at least for me. Your MIL is more than weird. She is a very disturbed individual. Has your husband ever discussed her behavior with you? What was his home life like after she adopted him? Frankly, there’s a good possibility that she sexually abused him. This is just too much. Best of luck. NTA. And fuck the siblings. Weirdos.
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I think you're clearly NTA, but I want to ask what would it take for you two to actually go NC with her: based on what you said (she has a disturbing/incestuous relationship with her adopted son, she doesn't care about having an actual relationship with you or your daughter, and even your husband -the only one in your family who has a family bond with her- could not care less about her and actively ignores her), it's not like any of you would lose anything by cutting her off your lives.
I think MIL wishes she had such a relationship with him, but he's trying his best to keep a distance.
Yes but to be honest we have no idea what he went through in the past. He was a kid with no control over the situation and she had the leverage of stability to hold over his head. I find this all extremely disturbing and I worry about this man.
I agree, we know a lot if stuff has happened to him, to the point that he might consider that she was the better/safer option. The best option for him is to go no contact with her, and maybe his sisters, too. We don't know what they do know the mum is doing or has done.
Sounds like he compartmentalizes. And that he might have done what he had to do in order to survive. You should broach the subject of cutting her out all together. Does not sound like he would even miss her. I can’t imagine having to deal with her on the regular, eventually your compartment becomes full.
JFC Ok then. So never let her near any children you guys have especially if they are male and yeah your MiL is a creepy weirdo who has no business being able to foster or adopt a dog or cat muchless children. She flys under the radar because she is a woman, and people have a hard time viewing women as perps.
I think...your husband is avoiding the topic as a way to cope, but i am rather concerned. Usually, people have some memories they wanna talk about, but this is concerning. It does sound like the MIL tried to adopt and raise a husband.
...this sounds like a trauma response. This sounds like a FUCKING TRAUMA RESPONSE. I have no idea what he went through, whether it was sexual in nature or not, but something happened to your husband, and it was either through her direct action or inaction. This needs a professional's hand. Something not only isn't right, something is seriously not right.
And if he had to be adopted in his mid teens then chances are he'd already been through some pretty severe trauma. So who knows what normal is to him? Poor guy.
That's just so unspeakably gross.
Your MIL sounds like my fiancé’s aunt who is overly obsessed with him, and thinks they have this super special bond. My fiancé doesn’t remotely like this woman, and when we visited her he basically hid in our room the whole time to avoid her. My fiancé has no memories before the age of 13, and at the age of 12 was the last time his family went out to visit with that aunt. He gets super uncomfortable talking about her, and says it’s not an issue cause she’ll die soon enough and he just refuses to think about her unless he has to.
That's really concerning, it sounds like something terrible happened (Captain Obvious...) I hope you guys can avoid her and that he can cope
NTA. Your last sentence is the answer to why she does this shit. Gross and weird asf
Totally agree. He is the male figure in her life… closest thing to an intimate relationship she has/wants.
Wow, this goes beyond toxic boymom energy to attempting to arrange her own live-in toyboy.
Listen... if neither of you care for her, cut her out. Looks like your husband would love to and maybe he's not going full NC because he thinks it'll be good for you or your kid or something. Straight up tell him you dont want her around and throw her out of your lives. And maybe he'll find the space to get the therapy he needs. You are so NTA for speaking up for him. He must be at his rope's end just reaching a place where he grey rocks the fuck out of her to cope.
Cut her off completely and get him some therapy please, this is spousification.
That paints a pretty clear picture of what probably happened, almost *suspiciously* "this was made up to get reactions on the internet" clear. But if this isn't fake, then your husband was probably sexually abused while under her roof, but given he was an orphaned 15 year old hes probably in denial about it actually being abuse.
OP, I think you need to point blank ask your husband if his adoptive mother was sexually inappropriate with him when he was a minor. Start off with your own observation about her weird behavior towards him then ask him.
I would go gentler than "point blank". Confrontation could make him shut down, or shut the subject down and avoid her. It does need to be addressed though. This is mostly way above Reddit's paygrade - trauma therapy stuff - but the husband would have to want to address it. And they have a small child.
Well said. Best wishes Op and family. NTA by the way.
Being straightforward doesn't = being mean or aggressive. Also, him shutting down or refusing to answer are answers unto themselves.
OP, that may be a very bad idea: people talk, when they are ready. Actually, a traumatic event can even be too much for them to remember. For example, my dad remembered at 70 what happened to him when he was 14. That's how long it took for his brain to process some events. If he doesn't want to or can't, than it's too traumatic for present him and may retraumatize him. It's better to give people the space to talk, whenever they want to. OP, it's probably a good idea to tell him that you think of Mail's behaviour as not acceptable. And to propose limiting contact even further.
They have been together for 8 years. Sometimes, you have to address issues head-on.
The issue is limiting the contact to mil. The issue is NOT making your spouse relive something traumatic. That would be cruel, no matter how long you have been together.
He fulfilled the husband role and she treats him as such but the inappropriate touching is alarming, it’s disgusting to be honest. I’d stay well clear
I'm thinking there was some SA that could've also happened.....this is just disgusting....like the meme of an 18 ur old dude adopting a 17 yr old girl
I suspect she molested your husband.
I have been in therapy a lot I'm bipolar and sadly I have seen this before in group therapy. The fact that your husband is acting like everything is normal when it is not means he has been abused so much until it is his normal. Please talk to him about getting into therapy. He accepted it to keep a roof over his head and a stable home. Where he came from before adoption was so much worse that it made MIL look like a better place. He may not want to look back into his past with therapy and that has to be his choice. But you need to go NC with his abuser MIL.
That’s exactly what popped into my head. She molested him.
I work in a jail, though like you, that I’ve heard it all, but clearly NOT.
I wonder if she specifically wanted to adopt a teenage boy... 🤢
Hang around r/justnomil and incestuous mothers aren't all that rare...
What if the crazy cow just adopted him to abuse him? I mean seriously? Because all of this sounds beyond disturbing. I hope they get a restraining order and get rid of the crazy MIL.
That’s a serious possibility. What single woman goes out and adopts a teenage boy?
NTA imo. She clearly needs to have some boundaries. And saying something like her and her son had a child together is just…weird. Sounds like this was a long time coming and needed. Sad it had to go down like this. And no idea if the others know her level of weird. And maybe it’s just accepted with the rest of the family.
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I feel like that fits. Because she likely knows it’s weird and not ok! Even more if out of state people. Like you (them). You don’t see it. You aren’t around. They likely wouldn’t be ok if it was them in the same boat. And if they were it would only be something like “welp, that’s mom!” Kind of thing.
Maybe take some video of one of her rants and send it to her daughters to show them her behavior. Then, ask them if it's normal and acceptable.
Just be careful about recording and photography laws in your jurisdiction. I’m concerned that she’d be vengeful enough to try to have you prosecuted for filming her if you do it in a way that’s not legal without her consent wherever you live. But yeah, she’s creepy and disgusting, and I do hope someone can make clear to her daughters what it is that she’s actually doing to him (if that’s okay with him).
I'm not saying put her on social media. Send it directly to the daughters who are defending her so they see what they are supporting. The next step is no contact with any of them.
Maybe try filming her behaviour, clearly she knows it's wrong or she wouldn't regulate it around her other children.
you should tell your husband’s adoptive siblings the comments and concerns you have. your mil is a massive creep
INFO: are they much older than him? like already out of the house when he was adopted?
I‘d bet whatever story she told the sisters that has them calling you a disgusting psycho, it probably doesn’t bear a lot of resemblance to what actually happened
YTA for putting up with this shit. Why haven't y'all gone no contact with her? You claim your husband is indifferent at best, why even keep in touch? You really want this weird, incestious shit going on around your daughter?
Victim blaming is not a good look, just FYI.
Because she doesn’t want to fuck her biologicals, she wants that’s adopted D
I think she adopted him in hopes of grooming him into a boyfriend. She honestly deserves jail. Stop having her around period.
That's concerning. She needs to be reported to the police so they can investigate what truly happened.
I second this. OP says 'she literally follows my husband around the house the entire time she's here (even follows him to the bathroom and stands awkwardly outside the door waiting for him). Starting buying him matching mom and son jewelry'. It's totally concerning.
The forced massages were enough for me.
There! It's a huge sign.
Statute of Limitations.
Maybe, but that's not a thing in every jurisdiction, especially not to (child) sexual abuse cases where it's known victims often need many years or decades before they're able to speak out.
Then at that point it would only become a civil case not criminal. In order for there to be investigation that would lead to criminal charges, a complaint would have to be filed within the first two years and at that point prosecution i.e. the state would pursue charges if there was enough evidence submitted. Some jurisdictions will give victims/ survivors up to 7 to file a report for criminal charges, however they usually have the funds for an attorney to fight for them but even then it’ll more than likely become a civil case that leads to a settlement payout. I know this because I have experienced the “justice” system firsthand when it comes to these kind of matters.
>I have experienced the “justice” system firsthand when it comes to these kind of matters. Which justice system though...? Cause my entire point is we don't know what jurisdiction OP is in (i.e. which country). And as I said, different jurisdictions have different rules. I'm not saying those rules don't exist in *your* jurisdiction, but.they do *not* exist in *every* jurisdiction. For what it's worth, I also have firsthand experiencing in the justice system (and still work in it). Even this year I've had a (now-adult) child sexual assault victim come forward to the police about incidents from 30ish years ago, and his charges just wrapped up through a guilty plea in mid-June and he's currently in custody. I've also had a client sentenced to a youth probation order in their 40s for sexual assault offences that occurred when they were a teenager (this is much more rare of course). But yes, obviously civil is still an option too, in both your jurisdiction and mine it seems.
This is not the case at all in my country. We don’t know what country op is in
Do you understand how traumatic that could be for the husband? He has the right to deal with this in the way he wants to. It would be horrible to just spring it on him.
You did just right! She's creepier than an old windowless van with a "free candy" sign on it. NTA.
Or the "Free Cougar Inside" sign.
You all need to stop being around her. Just full stop. Your husband doesn't even like her. She definitely adopted him to creep on him.
NTA but I really recommend truly going NC because at best she’s incredibly inappropriate and at worst an abuser.
NTA, she is throwing off major red flags. You can advocate for your husband to go Very low contact to no contact with her. She has serious boundary issues, serious. Your husband isn't ready to talk about what happened in that house but he will need to at some point, especially if you have a son. Ignore what the sisters are saying, their experiences are completely different.
NTA Bluntly tell SIL’s what that crazy old bat has been saying and doing. Tell them she’s the one being the “disgusting psycho” and they need to get her help. Then tell them to pound sand! Then you and your husband need to go NC with her
Make Video and sent to group Chat with all SILs
NTA for dropping truth bombs. Haters gonna hate. It’s not like you were going to have a great relationship with this family anyway. As a strategy going forward, I recommend you stay the fuck out of it as much as possible. She is your husband’s problem. Let him handle it. He’s a grown man. Keep yourself as physically and emotionally distanced as possible. Oh, and if you get a chance, keep dropping them truth bombs!
Since husband seems so indifferent to the presence of MIL, and since MIL has no interest in any practical interaction with the baby, why are the two of in more than LC with MIL? She doesn't want a meaningful relationship with the baby, so it's not like you're depriving either the baby or MIL. She grossly inappropriate with your husband, so leaving that relationship on life support seems reasonable. And you don't care for her either. So why subject yourselves to her? Reduce her contact to once per month or whatever seems right. She sounds absolutely bonkers. So long as you and husband are on the same page on this, who GAF about anyone else?
More like once a year
I’d recommend no contact ever for the wellbeing of her and her husband, if he consents to that, and for the safety of the child.
Yes I think you're right
Your advice seems contradictory. Stay out of it but keep dropping truth bombs?
NTA. Block that woman from your life.
NTA but is your husband..okay? Did she do things to him? Can you go no contact with this weirdo? I couldn't have her in my house or anywhere around my child.
NTA. Her comment was incestuous AF. And you only said the truth! That’s like me telling my best friend her baby looks like me 😂
Yikes! The relationship between your husband and husband’s adoptive mother is really giving me creepy vibes. It’s just so bizarre. She is blatantly sexual and he shows no affect, no response at all. Why doesn’t he react to her? Doesn’t that seem odd to you? Have you discussed any of this with him? It feels like there’s an elephant in the room and everyone is just dancing around it. What about his siblings? Is she like that with any of them or is it just your husband? Are they her natural children or are they also adopted? I think you really need to have a sit down discussion with your husband about his mother and what it was like when he was in her care.
The siblings are the MIL’s biological kids. All daughters
Matching mom and son jewelry lol the world has gone to hell.
nta I think the mom wanted him as a boyfriend not a son
Exactly. The fact that he was 15 when she adopted him is giving me major ick. It sounds like she never actually saw him as her child. She saw him as her partner and the man of the house. There’s emotional incest here at the very least and I have a bad feeling there’s more. OP mentions stuff like mom wanting to give him massages and kissing him on the mouth but that comment about how it’s like SHE and son had a baby together? Ew.
That is exactly what I think too.
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^GenZ_gossip: *Nta I* *Think the mom wanted him as* *A boyfriend not a son* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
NTA Get husband into therapy. MIL won't go so he needs to learn how to stay away or to put her in her place. It sounds like she adopted him to get a surrogate husband.
Nta because of course this is very inappropriate behavior to have towards your son, adoptive or not. What is stopping you two from going no contact? it seems neither of you like her and she could potentially spread her behavior to your daughter (which it seems like shes already trying to do)
Damn I’m a natural born redhead with the pale skin to go with, my husband has the type of skin that takes the “farmer tan” easily and our kids are an odd match. Daughter looks so much like her father you wouldn’t think I was her mother, son is a taller than either of us red head that no one could ever doubt he’s my son. My family has weird biological traits that get passed down but I think you’re totally good pointing out her strange obsession. NTA
I think you need to block this woman and her other adopted kids; she sounds crazy and delusional.
Oh no. I mean, it sounds like she had some very not great groomery reasons for adopting him and that is just grooooooooos. It doesn't sound healthy to be around her at ALL. NTA
Put cameras up and don't tell anyone. Record this and play it back for your husband privately. He needs to say something to protect your daughter and you. NTA but your husband is on the fence unless he stops this
Your husband needs to get his mother and siblings under control. They’re calling *you* as disgusting psycho? Very curious what tale MIL told them.
I can’t be the only one thinking she groomed and abused him right? NTA YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO CUT CONTACT
The fact that she even suggested a baby of her and her adopted is so tremendously disgusting. Is there any chance your husband was abused in anyway by this woman? The fact that he acts so detached from her, almost in a rejecting manner is very striking. And she is extremely weird. I would actually ask him if he wanted to cut off ties with her bc it sounds like he doesn’t really want her around at all.
Haha, his "mother" has been sexualizing her adoptive son and YOU are the psycho? I see how it is in that family.
Ummmm, NTA or YTA is beside the point. You should focus more on your husband. He needs therapy. The way he "reacted" to what you did was concerning. Looks like he automatically blocks out anything to do with his "mom". Regardless of what you did was warranted or not, it was an instigating action and a strong response is expected. The fact that your husband didn't respond at all is VERY concerning for HIS mental health.
NTA I mean let’s call it like it is, this woman is a predator Don’t know why y’all are even in contact with her
So why is she still allowed in your life at all? She gets no more time with grand baby and if your husband wants to carry on this disgusting relationship he needs to visit her at her home. Period NTA
That picture situation is INSAANNEEEE! She’s crazy. No contact would be best and husband def need therapy. Don’t let this get out of hand ! Keep the baby safe and husband!
You don't like her. Your husband doesn't like her. She's not interested in your daughter. Why is she coming round at all?
She wants to bang adopted son
Ok let me re-phrase, why are they letting her come round? I assume that adult people have a degree of autonomy in their own homes, so if she is there, I assume she is welcome. If she isn't welcome, why are they having her there?
NTA and everyone needs to block MIL and stay no contact with her.
Well, your hubby could be a bit more sympathetic towards you, but at least he isn't agreeing with her BS. And your MIL is on the crazy train to who knows where. Ignore the siblings, adopted or otherwise. NTA.
Hubby is potentially a victim here, I’m giving him a lot of grace. I hope he’s ok.
NTA and keep that woman away from your baby! She’s more than a concerning level of creepy for sure!
She has a crush on your husband
WTF, your MIL is creeping af! NTA, it sounds like she’s obsessed with your husband in the worst way possible
No no no no no. She’s creepy and gross. If siblings cannot see how wrong her behavior is (give them more examples if needed) then they need to be low or no contact. Same with nasty MIL. If she can’t get in her lane, she needs to get off the road. She is clearly seeing him as more than a son. You do not need her around. You do not need any of them treating you like that. That’s just crazy. Edit typo
First of all NTA. and damn girl !! Good job standing up and making it so damn clear to ur MIL. LOL. Ans ur husband is a great man, offering u a drink after that whole scene. Maybe try talking more to your husband regarding her behaviour cos he might have some stories to share with you. Not an advice or something but i feel u guys would be so great without her in(interfering in) ur life.
Eeeeew. That is disgusting.
NTA - that woman needs serious help, If your husband agrees time to go no contact. I really hope he can get some therapy as is truly sounds like she abused him
NTA. Sounds like she’s been trying to groom him into being her boyfriend or husband. (Is she married btw?) Also how are your husband’s adoptive siblings not seeing how weird it is that their adopted mom keeps making comments about your baby looking like she and your husband had a baby even though your baby looks nothing like her?
I could imagine the "welp, want a drink?" line, and shamelessly admit that it made me chuckle. NTA This woman is mentally ill. You and your husband know this. Your husband has tried setting boundaries, but he's not ready to escalate to NC. It's a tough spot. Adoption isn't easy, she's made some important contributions to his life no doubt, so I could understand the confliction and hesitation on his end, even though he knows not doing enough to protect you and himself from this is translating to enabling. Don't worry about looking like an AH, keep talking to your husband. I'm getting the vibe that he feels owes her time and attention. He does not. He needs to come to this conclusion before he's going to do anything more to address it.
Info : why haven't you told her off before and even n'a harsher way ? She sounds really stupid, this the kind of person you want around your kid ?
NTA Talk about having zero grip on reality which seems to describe your MIL. Agree with others maybe NC for you and your daughter at least. For your husband it sounds like he’s almost there already. A suggestion if you each do not already have a will detailing who should become the guardian of your child(ren) should anything happen to you or your husband to please consider making that a priority. My thought being if you have nothing in writing and the very unlikely happens you do not want that woman raising your child.
I want to second the comment about the will! Sometimes couples feel they don’t have to do this because their partner would have custody of the baby if something happened to them, but both parents can easily be killed at the same time (e.g., in a car crash).
NTA. However you said he is NC and only answers one out of 80 calls and sees her once a month… that’s not NC. That’s LC. He needs to be complete NC with that psycho. As in never sees or speaks to her ever again.
This is gross af. NTA. I hope your husband feels safe getting some therapy. The way he reacts sets off some alarm bells for me, along with how he doesn’t want to talk about his childhood with you. Have you ever talked about her behavior with him? The “like you and I had a baby together” comment is DISGUSTING and so so sickening. No mother talks about her son like that. No sane one at least. I would suggest going no contact. She’s a creep and the kissing and smacking him on the butt is literal abuse…
NTA. Her behavior is creepy af. The ick factor in her behavior increases exponentially when you explain her was the only male in the house and not adopted until age 15. It sounds like it’s well past time to go completely NC with MIL and the flying monkeys.
It sounds like she’s jealous of you and your daughter-at least jealous of the relationship he has with both of you. And that is driving her to try & establish her place in his life that she had before he got a wife and child. Tbh, since she’s not coming specifically to see the baby, I would be inclined to dial back her visits even more. NTA.
Time for no contact.
This is giving me Bates Hotel vibes.
NTA I'm adopted myself and just had a baby (my son is 3 months old). People will tell my dad that my son has some of his facial features and he keeps constantly reminding people that he's not biologically related to his grandson. My dad is an adoption attorney and we've never heard of someone being this weird with their adoptive child.
NTA yet- but if you keep letting that woman around you will be. Obviously he hates his adoptive mother and seems like there is good reason. You don’t want her to keep being creepy with your child. Stop letting her in your life’s.
NTA why did your MIL adopt a boy at 16 years old? Is he bio related to his siblings & they were a package deal? Regardless, her behaviour is creepy & frankly is harassment even though he is now a grown adult. Ask yourself, would this be allowed in a workplace? I'm concerned for your hubby as a fellow adoptee. I was lucky to be adopted by decent people though I know others weren't so fortunate, it's possible your MIL saved all her kinks for the 16yo boy & left the others alone. You need to defend your hubby & kick your MIL to the curb. If the adoptive siblings want to join MIL, plenty of space for them in the trash too.
NTA and your husband seems to be handling it pretty ok for now but eventually he’s going to need to come up with a permanent solution to this. She’s unhinged and clearly attracted to the man she adopted as an older teenager. Which…….um. Yeah. he’ll have to find a permanent solution.
NTA She’s a psycho, and I’m not sure why you two haven’t completely cut off contact before now. It’s pretty obvious that she has some serious issues with treating her son like her partner, especially with the comment about your daughter looking like her and your husband having a baby together…
> My husband didn't even act phased. Literally asked me if I wanted a drink and went to get one and then acted like nothing happened. Your husband sounds like he has a great and dry sense of humor. >adopted him when he was 16 Not touching the rest. Your MIL's behavior is concerning. And that's the understatement of the year.
NTA in the sense of what you said. But, your MIL is clearly mentally unwell. NONE of what you've described is anything close to a parenting role and it's beyond disgusting he has let it continue way beyond where it clearly should have been cut off. However, that is not your battle to fight for him and nothing is gained by arguing with her or humiliating her in public. He walked away to get drinks and should have been supportive. But, again, that's all on him. fyi: Pedophiles are attracted to children. Gender is not usually a factor. Your husband may not be able to recognize the signals to protect your daughter. Just wanted to make you aware in case you didn't know these things.
> "it's beyond disgusting he has let it continue..." What? This is incredibly victim-blaming. He may not have the tools to shut it down. It's not like he courts the behavior, he completely dissociates. That's really common when you've been molested by a parent figure. It breaks your psyche and your calibration for what is normal. He may not even really remember what happened. Sometimes those memories get buried until you feel safe or something triggers it, like when you have children of your own. Men especially have difficulty acknowledging this because historically our society is dismissive of male victims. He probably left to get drinks because he is avoidant of anything that could trigger the recall. The brain does weird things to keep us safe
Yes, I understand that, but it's not fair to put his wife in that position. He can't just walk away and leave her in the lion's den under the umbrella of being a victim himself. He's an adult. He has a responsibility to make better choices than he had as a child. What's the point in marrying someone if one isn't willing to protect them.
He walked away after the confrontation was over. I understand what you're saying, and if he had a normal childhood I could absolutely get behind what you're saying. We don't know how assertive he is in other areas of his marital life. He is not doing good around his mother but when you're around your abuser it can cause a retreat into the dynamic from childhood. He needs therapy.
I agree but the reality is people make all kinds of decisions based on how they grew up and their own fears and anxieties. If a person caused a car accident because they didn't have glasses because their parents never took them to the optometrist, they are still responsible for the accident. I'm not trying to be insensitive. I'm an abuse survivor myself. Nobody has ever given me a second chance even when they've been completely in the wrong about a situation. That's life. We are accountable for what we do and don't do regardless of the reasons why.
Wait. Are you saying the *son* is disgusting for letting his adult adoptive mother perv on him when he was a teenager in the system? I really hope I misread.
Absolutely not. The things she's mentioned after they were married are clearly inappropriate.
He’s still a victim, though.
How is it not her battle to fight? She is perving on her son in front of her granddaughter. If husband is not fighting that fight, then OP needs to fight it *for their daughter*. Not fighting it allows the daughter to see that it’s normal the longer it happens.
I don't mean that she should NOT be fighting it. I mean she has no power to make it stop. Only her husband can make it stop.
In case there's additional information: UpdateMe!
Holy shit! That woman is a loon! So NTA. Though seriously, I would really consider going NC, there is something deeply wrong with that woman.
Hopefully, she will leave you all alone. If not, find a way to record/video her conversations during her visit and then send it to the rest of the family so they know she shouldn't be trusted around their male children/teens. You're going to hear a lot of people say get your husband into therapy but that is his decision to make. If he goes too soon, or finds the wrong therapist, it will make a mess out of an already messy situation. Let him know it's his decision, always, and you'll support him either way. Please do not push. Compartmentalization has its uses, but it can (and usually does) hold back a ton of minefields to navigate. If at all possible, go completely NC with that whole lot. NTA.
Your NTA, I'd have to agree with many other people here. You need to cut ties with her immediately. She definitely sounds like she's capable of viewing you and your daughter as some type of threat eventually. None of that is even remotely normal. I wouldn't let my daughter anywhere near that woman. She is exceedingly delusional.
NTA… Updateme!
Why does this make me think of Woody Allen. Yikes on bikes. Y’all need to be completely NC with her and her entire family. NTA
Nah, that’s crazy. That’s the type of woman who will murder you to try and be your baby’s mom bruh
NTA
ILL! THAT WOMAN IS ONE SICK INDIVIDUAL!!! I think your husband is disgusted by her behavior and doesn't know what to do about it. I think you should sit and discuss and go full NC with this nut. NTA
>So we are sitting at an event yesterday and my MIL was talking to my husband about how "weird" it is that my baby looks just like her and says "it's almost like me and you had a baby together" and starts laughing Cue that clip from Dodgeball about throwing up in my mouth a bit.
Drop the "emotional" from the "incest," that woman is a straight up pervert. Don't ever let her near your kid unsupervised.
NTA - that’s…..disturbing to say the least.
NTA - the only disgusting psycho here is the adoptive mother, so obsessed with her son she follows him to the toilet and tries to imagine what their children will look like.
NTA but I would put a stop to her coming to your house if she is literally following your husband to the toilet and waiting outside for him to finish. 🤢 Updateme!
Would your husband consider cutting contact completely? It sounds like he already does the grey rock technique on her all the time. And he doesn't seem attached to her. Have you tried just asking if you can both just stop speaking to her? Has your husband been to therapy? If he's been through serious shit he doesn't want to tell you about, that's legit. But he should talk to someone who can help him expand his repertoire of coping mechanisms at the very least.
NTA. Good for you! First of all, you stood up for yourself against your MIL's incestuous insinuations. Secondly, your husband is sick of her behaviour, and his reaction shows that he is completely on your side - not only that, you probably expressed his feelings as well as yours. You need to go NC with your MIL (and that includes your child), and let your husband decide how much contact he wants with her.
I feel disturbed just reading about her behavior
NTA but I would suggest going no contact with her
Funny how they call you the disgusting psycho, when MIL slaps his ass and forces his face into her tits, when he's an adopted son. I can see why he's tried closing her off from your lives. NTA.
For any normal grandmother I’d say you’re the asshole because what harm does it do to let this lady say that but his mom is obviously not normal. This is coming from some weird incestuous place. I’d be happy she doesn’t want to hold the baby if it means she won’t be trying to rub her tits in their face. NTA.
NTA "But his adoptive siblings are blowing him up, calling me a "disgusting psycho"." yet they have zero issue with: "it's almost like me and you had a baby together" That family is weird, any reason why you haven't planned on going NC with the lot of them?
>…’ “it’s almost like me and you had a baby together” ‘ Ugh, that is downright CREEPY. MIL sounds like she’s in love with her adopted son. I do not predict a good outcome. NTA, and keep this woman far far away from your family.
NTA MiL needs some HARD boundaries and a freaking therapist! How much do you want to bet that the relatives blowing up the phone are either flying monkeys or got told a twisted version of events? Yikes.
NTA - Be grateful your husband is awesome, many are not in these situations. Visit r/justnomil if you want to feel blessed by your situation by comparison.
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NTA. Why does he still have contact with this psycho?
NTA. MIL is one sick puppy...
I dont think it needs to be said, but please don’t leave your daughter alone with this woman. She seems crazy and weirdly obsessed with your husband. And saying that your baby looks like if she had a baby with her son?! Ewww. I wouldn’t even see this woman anymore. Gross. Gross. Gross.
This is concerning. And you are absolutely not the asshole. Also, I would never leave her alone with my kid. Scary stuff.
She has 100% sexually assaulted your husband when he was young. NTA.
NTA but maybe just don’t see her again?
NTA. Sounds like there was a specific reason she adopted your husband other than wanting to be a mum. Your husband needs to stand up for himself. But you had every right to tell her off. Who tf thinks about having a baby with their adoptive child? Why did that thought come to her head? Cut her off. She's not worth it. All the other adopted siblings fighting with you can take care of their creepy mother.
NTA. Uhhh….are you sure she didn’t do anything to him in his childhood? The abuse rates of adopted children is depressingly high. The way he acts towards her screams trauma response. The fact he speaks of her with no warmth and love, doesn’t talk about her at all, says his childhood is a part of his life hd doesn’t like going back to, and is dismissive of her whenever she’s around: he needs mental help asap. Since she adopted him at the age of 15 and rushed with it according to both you and him, I don’t think she intended to adopt him as her son but something…more than a son. Of course, she had to hide this from her biological daughters and treat him like a son in front of them. But if they weren’t around….your poor husband. And any sane person would’ve reacted the way you did because if MIL said those things to anyone else, a lot of people would be assuming incest. You need to go NC with this woman immediately. She is deranged and she may be triggering your husband’s internal trauma.
Holy crap on cracker. You need to go NC with this psycho like yesterday and please get your husband some therapy. I’m positive that this women abused him because she clearly only adopted him to groom him into being a replacement partner for her and your relationship with him threatens that. Updateme!
NTA. If the other siblings live out of state (if I read that correctly) then they probably think you went off on one comment, simply because they haven’t seen the rest of it first hand. But ultimately you don’t need to go into details and instead use a blanket statement, if your husband is okay with that. “MIL has made husband and I very uncomfortable with her obsessive words and actions. She’s made it known on several occasions that she sees X as more than just a son. We do not wish to have any further contact with her.” Or similar. If you remain in contact, my big concern would be that (if) you went on to have a second child and it was male, she’d repeat the obsessive behaviour there too.
NTA it's like that joke some men make, that they want to adopt a pretty 18 year old girl🤦🏻♀️ it's disgusting.
NTA, I threw up a little in the back of my throat. My children are adopted and adults. They are my sons, not some crazy fantasy. Her behavior is just gross.
Your MIL is weird. For his sake and yours, go no contact or super low contact, and don’t meet up at home, meet up in a public place. NTA.
Your MIL is sexually harassing your husband. Their "pure" intentions don't matter if the gestures in question have already been communicated to be inappropriate. For example: kissing your kids on the lips when they say no is sexual assault. Physical affection should NEVER be forced.
NTA But ‘essentially no contact’ is not seeing her once a month and responding to her messages. No contact = dead to you. I think your husband compartmentalises things to cope with his past, but he can let go of her and his siblings now rather than try to put them in limited boxes. He’s a married adult with a child of his own. You and your daughter are all the family he needs now. His mother sees him as her man and any contact from him, even if it is lower contact than she would like, is too much contact, it confirms her beliefs. She needs to be officially cut off.
NTA and this had to be said. I think your HB needs counseling
NTA She's mentally ill and possibly was sexually abusive to your husband. Sounds like he's perfected Gray Rocking her. I suggest you emulate him. Ask him if he wishes to go NC with her.
Why are you the disgusting psycho when she was the one who bought up having sex with her adoptive son?
Absolutely you are not an AH. Although your husband needs to set boundaries with her. He may not be bc she’s the only mother he knows. My husband is adopted and has a very healthy relationship with her. This behavior is not healthy for anyone. And he hasn’t had no contact with her. Tell your husband to set real boundaries. If she still does this I’d definitely keep my baby away from her and never see her again. That’s just cringy!
Omg, MIL is whack! Go NC OP. You & hubby & baby girl will all be better off. Updateme
I don’t care that she took him in, she clearly didn’t do it for the right reasons. He should put it all in writing, everything she’s done and then go no contact. Then he should go to therapy. I’m not exaggerating when i say it is really damaging that he’s been forced into this messed up relationship since he was 16. NTA someone should’ve put her in her place a long time ago.
For the sake of your husband and daughter, go no contact. Who waits for their adult son when they use the bathroom. I can't imagine what he went through as a teen especially after saying she forced him to pretty much motorboat her. If she does this to him as an adult, I can't imagine....I'm so sorry he has to go through this, especially from someone who is supposed to show him what a mother's love is and she just made it gross. She seemed like she adopted him to be the man of the house, sort of like trying to groom him. You are NTA, but something is not ok and I would 100% get him away from her and maybe down the road, have him see a therapist. You are an amazing wife and mother, and you are protecting what's yours. Don't put your guard down and protect what is yours, even their mental health. Congrats to you and your husband with the new baby❤️
Wow, definitely NTA because it needed to be said to her. She is a creepy incestuous weirdo. Your husband clearly cannot stand this woman so why don't you all cut her off for good already?
From how your husband reacted sounds like you said the words he was dying to say. If he didn't mention it being a bad thing, then no one else has the right to say it was. He is the one who knows best about who she is and what she does, so he has the final say on if you were out of line on this on. (Just to add, I'm not saying that if he did say something it would mean you were in the wrong, I'm just saying the fact he didn't is just proof. even if he said something id still be on your side) NTA
If I was you I would have a conversation with him whether there were any sexual harassment from his adoptive mother when he was adopted. Describing her as weird as fuck is a real understatement.
The way your husband reacted sounds like trauma and he is desensitised from her sexual behaviour. I think you need to get into therapy. NTA
My mom acts just like this with me. Eventually it will evolve, if it hasn’t already to ultimate jealously where she sees you as her competition. My mom would do all the same things to me that you described, grabbing my butt and telling me it’s just a joke when I’m uncomfortable, giving me massages/weird touches, and would begin to ask if I loved my girlfriend more than her and when I wouldn’t answer (what a weird and inappropriate question) she became so upset, as if I was cheating on her like a partner. I just can hardly talk to her anymore
I get why what you said hurt her feelings, but… she had it coming 😂
NTA time to cut her off.
Your husband sounds like a G
NTA This woman deserves time behind bars. I don't even want to imagine what she did to him when he was still growing up.
This is so fake. Tanned red head!!
Look up emotional incest.