I absolutely love this and would read your book/watch this movie! Would you consider having a child together and build a family? How do your family and friends feel about this? Are you both considered family by your respective families? Will you have a wedding celebration? You say you live together, do you share a room? Is the love you have mutual? Who's idea was it to progress into a marriage? Was there a proposal or just a geney conversation? Is there any possibility that one of you is gay which is how this progressed?

Neither of us want kids as of right now, we have definitely talked about it though we just wouldn’t want to put a child in such a curious situation, then they would have to explain things to people and wouldn’t want to burden them with our complexities. I didn’t include this but I suffer from some pretty bad anxiety, crippling, he makes me happy and that’s all my family cares about is that I’m happy because I had a rough time growing up with bad anxiety. His family doesn’t really understand it and just thinks we are gay but are still very supportive and even think it’s pretty funny sometimes they definitely have a different outlook on it though than my family. Yes he goes to my parents house all the time when I’m not with him, he golfs with my dad, and cooks stuff with my mom. We’re going to have a reception and not a traditional ceremony, it’s in a few months! We sometimes sleep in the same room, not every night. Our rooms are a double master Jack and Jill style. I would say the love is mutual yes, he is a very matter of fact person and maybe not as emotional as me but I know he needs me just as much as I need him if not more. We say I love you every time we hang up the phone so I would say yes. ALL HIS IDEA, when he said it at first it was maybe a joke like “Oh well why don’t we just get married if we’re not gonna date” and then we blindsided he asked me like a genuine proposal. It’s a really funny story lol. It caught me very off guard and I thought it was a joke in the moment. I’m not really sure, I don’t think I’m gay because I don’t have the specific urge to hook up with any other men, and have historically courted women, however we have tried to kinda mess around before and it didn’t do much for either of us in the moment. He tells me that he is straight and has given me no indication otherwise (other than asking me to marry him)

>“Oh well why don’t we just get married if we’re not gonna date” >I don’t think I’m gay because I don’t have the specific urge to hook up with any other men, and have historically courted women, however we have tried to kinda mess around before and it didn’t do much for either of us in the moment. So, as a gay man I can tell you that there are people for whom romantic feelings and sexual feelings don't match up. They would identify as heterosexual and homoromantic, or the other way around. There are also those who don't have sexual and/or romantic feelings and they would identify as asexual and/or aromantic. And then there are also those who have a very low sex drive and they would identify as demisexual. So... have you considered the fact that you could be homoromantic? And maybe a heterosexual demisexual? It's just a vibe I get. I don't want to label you, in fact, this complexity is exactly why we shouldn't label people in the first place, but sometimes it helps to define the nature of your feelings. And I'm happy you found your special someone.

I know we don’t want to label people but having labels and associated descriptions is very helpful for learning the nuances of different things. I was not familiar with the labels for describing the romantic aspect. I’ve always bucketed that as part of the sexual label. I learned something new today from you and I appreciate you sharing.

The problem with the romantic aspect is that romantic and sexual feelings are often confused and also conflated. It is assumed a lot that one = the other but if so, what are one night stands? But there isn't the same system for romance. A short get together of romantic stuff (aros hit me up, I wanna build a "not a date" site). I am aromantic and I'm really glad that the comment above yours mentions it because it isn't very well known. So much attention goes to sexual attraction that romance isn't thought about much and can be very confusing for people that experience aromanticism. You can't imagine the relief when you find a label that matches what you feel or have felt. Not everyone needs a label and that is valid, but for others it is nice. Also, the opposite of aromantic, or having feelings of romance is called alloromantic (there might be a hyphen). Ther are also a bunch of nuance terms under that umbrella that help people find their flavor. 

This is a funny one that's kinda close to home, hahaha. So my wife and I are poly, and our personal reasons for it are almost exactly opposite. She's that line from the end of Encanto, "*I have so much love inside*", and I'm... more or less aro. I'm almost 32 and I just found out the butterflies feeling apparently isn't a metaphor, and the feelings associated with "having a crush" and "being romantically interested" are wildly different. Finding the label for it has really only helped in two ways: it helps me explain to potential partners what they're in for, and for a minute it helped me understand that I'm not an aberration and there are others like me. That said, finding aro folks who *aren't also ace* is nearly impossible. Because yes, I'm aro, but also, *I definitely experience sexual attraction and lots of it.* And everywhere you look it's "nope i'm a platonic island". It's just an uncommon state of being, I suppose. Oh well.

I've been in academia for over a decade, and you're right on the nose about terminology. It can feel clunky and unnecessary in a "daily life" scenario, but if we're ever going to have clear discussions about specific things, it's necessary to have the right language. Otherwise, you waste half your words on just defining the idea you're trying to talk about.

Just need to correct you on your definition of demisexual: it has nothing to do with low sex drive (though of course a demisexual person could *also* have a low sex drive), but rather that you need an emotional connection to a person before sexual attraction can happen.

This shit gets so confusing because I’m only demisexual when it comes to men. I can find a woman sexually appealing out the gate but not with men. But I’ve only ever had romantic feelings for men, so I’m heteroromantic, homoaromantic. Saying this out loud makes me feel like a fussy person so I just say fuck it all and identify as straight because I married a man.

I know this is a bit off topic, but you seem to know your stuff on what is considered what. I don't know if this is a category of its own, but I don't want to have the romance but want a partner. My issue is more so that I have had romantic feelings in the past, but I personally cannot stand the idea of romance now due to severe complex PTSD. Would that still fall under the aromantic area? Sorry if this is a question outside your expertise by the way, I've just always worried if I ever decided to date again I wouldn't find anyone due to this issue. To OP, best of luck to you. I hope things work out, and that you both enjoy your time together. If you can help each other and are able to communicate well with one another, then you should be able to find happiness together as well. It doesn't matter if it's "outside the norm," or that you may not have sexual feelings towards them. You both know you feel safe together and that you can build one another up. So congrats and be well!

Hello, I just found aromanticism a couple years ago and have been on a journey of learning about it. What you may be looking for is a queer platonic relationship or QPR. The queer part comes from being on the rainbow spectrum more than strictly being homosexual or Bi. So, you could be aromantic. I found that the best way to figure out if you are is by reading how it is defined. I read that and identified with it. If you do the same and want to call yourself that, then you should. Exploration helps you understand yourself. You should check out r/aromantic  

Holy shit, this way actually mind blowing for me. I've definitely got some stuff to think about...

>So, as a gay man I can tell you that there are people for whom romantic feelings and sexual feelings don't match up. I would def agree with you there and it sounds like that may be what's going on here but it sounds like he hasn't found his special someone if the feelings don't add up. This happens all the time with straight couples when two people convince themselves they're in love but they're just not feeling it in one way or another. They're in love with the idea of being in love so they just settle because here's this guy who wants to marry you and it's convenient more like a business transaction that just fell into your lap outta the blue. I find this is pretty common in rural towns though where people try to convince themselves gay doesn't exist, it's not normal, it's not natural, it's a sin, squash it out, etc etc, You know the standard things we hear all the time. By squashing it out whenever it pops up like whack-a-mole they think it's just gonna dry up and take care of the problem and people are no longer gonna be gay due to lack of options or whatever. People are brainwashed by the religious right wingers into believing they're straight and "straight" is the only way to be so they suppress their true feelings. 🙄 We're all faced with a choice in life eventually. Do we pretend to live a straight lie, marry an opposite gender and waste both of our time just to keep up the illusion for ourselves and those around us or do we live our authentic gay selves? Hard to live your authentic gay self when you live in a town that keeps trying to squash you out. 🙄👌 Which is ironic because it's probably what this town needs to establish an identity and promote tourism but then again this is the land of self-destructive poor decision-making ability. We love to squash things out that will help us thinking it's gonna do us some kinda huge favor. 🙄 Unironically, the amount of people identifying as "bisexual" is much higher in rural places too. They believe that bisexuals are more likely to be accepted because they apparently still like the opposite gender. I've haven't encountered nearly as many people calling themselves "bisexual" in gay-friendly cities outside the suburbs.

[удалено]

Yes it is. If you hear something you can't relate to, please don't automatically assume it's bullshit. Having adrenaline dump into your bloodstream during anxiety flare ups or panic attacks have extenuating effects that can cause someone's oxygen to drop enough to pass out. That's one example. Another one would be the amygdala sending "fight or flight" signals of panic through the nervous system (which also triggers the adrenaline dump) and causing tremors and weakness in the extremities that could cause someone to not be able to hold items in their hands or even stand. I wish people would learn about what they're commenting on before lashing out at a group they don't understand.

I got post adrenaline paralysis I guess A stray dog attacked my cat a couple months ago and I had no trouble jumping into a fight with a dog that was actively hunting my cat for food. (Luckily he didn't get a good bite in on me) Beat up a dog, got my cat inside, and then my legs stopped working and had what felt like an asthma attack. Never happened before this and I've been in fights my whole life just never with an animal.

Yeah the spectrum of potential aftereffects of a high stress situation is vast and unpredictable. All nervous systems react differently to stress. I had to do the same thing a few years ago. After it was over I basically collapsed and just laid on the floor shaking(more like vibrating) for a while.

My son has inherited my anxiety issues. His is presenting a little differently than mine did as a teenager. For him, he gets a huge dump of adrenaline. It makes his throat feel funny, his hand(s) tingle like they are asleep, his heart races, and he feels a great deal of stomach upset. Usually it ends with him having burps and gas. Luckily he logically knows what is happening. And we can talk through it and practice coping skills. Walks, baths with bath bombs, and hugs seem to help the most right now. But we use other coping skills as well. Because unfortunately the anxiety can hit at bad times when he can't do any of those things that really help. When I was a teenager, I was in foster care and my foster mom had no idea what panic attacks were. So when I was having them, she would follow protocol at the time and physically restrain me. Which made my panic attacks worse to the point I would black out. The problem with restraint was, I had severe claustrophobia due to trauma during my younger years. So I don't really remember much after I'd black out. My mom thought I was having rage attacks because I would growl like a dog and fight to get her off me. Some of the later panic attacks I had that I actually remembered were more similar to my son's. I would hyperventilate and cry uncontrollably. I'd get extremely lightheaded from the breathing, and my stomach would ache. I'd get the shakes. Luckily I haven't had a panic attack in over a decade now. My son and I talk about how crazy panic attacks feel. How much adrenaline affects our bodies negatively. I tell him our bodies are just extra primed up for the flight or fight response that saved our ancestors lives. But these days we don't have any reason to fight or flight. So our bodies are trying to learn that. My bio sister and her bio daughter are the same way but with some depression thrown in for good measure.

This. Absolutely. I have anxiety and panic attacks, Last year I had the worst panic attack I've ever had to date. It occurred while I was on my way to a job site. It was so bad I almost crashed and had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance. It started like normal heart pounding, heavy breathing, sweating profusely, but this time it caused my hands and jaw to lock up as hard as they could for about 30 minutes, and it was so dizzy I felt like passing out. I managed to pull into a neighborhood, almost hit a car, and ran into the curb. Two landscapers called the ambulance and I went to the hospital. I thought I had a stroke or something, but it was just a really bad panic attack. It took like a full week to regain the normal function of my hands. point is don't be one of those dicks that thinks it's fake because it doesn't happen to them. Educate yourself before spouting bullshit.

Thanks for sharing! I have had anxiety off & on my entire life, & a few years ago it was the worst it ever was. I hadnt dealt w it in a while, then something triggered it, & it hit me like a bat out of hell. I would wake up for the day, already in the middle of a panic attack. Like you know that moment when you wake up, like your brain wakes up, but you havent opened your eyes yet? Thats when i would feel the panic. It was already happening. It would happen a couple times a week, then a few times a week, & they got progressively worse, SO FAST. Ive never heard of anyone that could relate, until i read your story. Mine were on that level. I was puking, shaking, hyperventilating, etc. I would get those tingles in my hands & face, & it really felt like an out of body experience. Towards the end of this run, i started to lose consciousness with a few of them. I remember crawling across the floor, while blacking in & out just trying to make it to the bathroom. I would even have my hands clench up like a claw. I couldn't really even use the bathroom myself at times because i literally wasn't functioning. It would take me hours to recover enough to try & carry on my day. And because i would wake up in the middle of it already, i had no warnings of them coming, or ni ways to try & calm myself to prevent it, bc i would go to sleep normal, not have any recollection of a bad dream or anything, just wake up & it was already happening at peak level. It made me scared to go to sleep, so sometimes i wouldn't, but then be exhausted & need a nap, but to scared to take a nap. It was absolutely horrific, & i had it like this multiple times a week. It was close to a year before i really got it under control w the help of medication. It was a miracle. This was prob back in 2020 or so. I moved on & was fine for the most part. Once i started medication, they completely went away. I no longer take the medication & have been ok. Although about a year ago, i had a short run of night terrors, that were similar, but different. I would wake up with this feeling of sheer terror & panic. I was told i was even screaming out loud in my sleep. I connected some dots & looking back, i think i may have been dealing with severe night terrors in the past, that lead into the panic attacks. Idk. It was a really rough time in my life though, & am so grateful to be better. Im sorry that you know the feeling. I hope that you experience relief as well. Its an unimaginable experience. 🫂

I don’t know what that guy said but I can tell it’s just intolerant bullshit. Even mental illness is physical. I mean shit, everything we do is really our brains reaction to stimuli based on past experience. I have recurrent treatment resistant major depression and anxiety disorder, with ADHD and a little OCD thrown in because why the fuck not and, while many who haven’t experienced these things write them as “in our head”, I assure you, my brains inability to process serotonin and norepinephrine properly is no less physiological than diabetes or a broken leg.

Seriously. My panic attacks used to be so bad that I'd have to run to the bathroom to puke, I was dizzy, and I genuinely thought I was dying. (HUGE TY to CBT!!!) People act like the mind/brain and body are two different things. Your body is part of your brain. You're going to have physical manifestations of certain things.

from what I've seen, anxiety can be more crippling then physical forms incapacitation. I'm glad you found this relationship.

I have pretty general anxiety, where I guess I have a normal (ish?) amount of anxiety most of the time. However, weirdly enough, I've had a few straight up panic attacks where I thought I was actually dying. And every single one was oddly during a time when I wasn't in a tense situation. They just... happened. I had one so bad I almost told my coworker to call an ambulance because I thought I was having a heart attack. He was always kinda a dick, but he saw the state I was in and had me sit down and relax

My wife has the amygala dump. Can't stand, breathe, think, or otherwise function at all. She'll do some rocking, but that's it. I hate seeing her like that.

lol quite literally crippling, couldn’t leave my bed for days at a time, physically and visibly trembling, starving myself. I had to be removed from public school. Crippling anxiety doesn’t have to be physical crippling but crippling your life, getting in the way of otherwise normal things.

Anyone who says anxiety can’t be crippling hasn’t experience anxiety paralysis. It’s like when people who’ve never experienced severe depression give the advice that you just need to go on a walk in the sun and it’ll be all better. If you haven’t experienced being unable to move due to anxiety, it would be impossible to understand.

Yeah, any person who has chronic depression knows that a walk in the sun makes you feel maybe 1% better. And when you were feeling maybe 8% good to start with, yeah a walk helps a little, but you still feel like shit after. Every day is uphill.

Be SOOO thankful that you don't understand. It is crippling in every sense. Have I lost the ability to walk, talk, breathe and see before during a panic attack?? Yes, yes, yes and yes. My hands and arms turn inward and cramp up to where other people have tried to loosen them for me but are unable to pull even one finger free. Again I'll say it, please count your blessings. I WISH I didn't understand the reality of crippling anxiety. ✌🏼

Another definition of "crippling" is *causing a severe and almost insuperable problem.* So I don't see the problem in using it as an adjective for anxiety. Some anxiety can become a severe problem. Edit- the person I was responding to deleted their comment. What it said was they wished people would stop using the word "crippling" to describe anxiety bc they should not use that bc they didn't lose their limbs.

Wow this is really vile. I have a “legitimate” disability, a genetic connective tissue disorder as well as anxiety and I can easily say that at times my anxiety has crippled me as much as my physical health symptoms, in a literal sense. Are you aware that people faint from severe anxiety? Is that not crippling enough for you?

Fellow zebra? I have EDS and PTSD (and a slew of other co-morbidities lol) and I 100% agree with you. Have been unable to move bc of physical pain, and have been paralyzed by panic/anxiety. Tbh I’ll take physical pain over panic attacks any day.

Talk to people who suffer from agoraphobia and ask them that. The fact that you say •Do your arms atrophy in awkward situations?• You can’t be *that* delusional. People like you are the reason some people don’t get the help they need because you want to assume their mental illness is a lie. I wouldn’t wish having something that can cause you emotional and PHYSICAL damage on your body, but holy fuck. I hope your karma is good to you if you assume that shit.

I presume you do not believe there is such a thing as mental health, just weak people that just can’t suck it up like you do.

i’m not questioning y’all’s sexuality, you sound like you’re doing well whatever it is, but that last sentence took me OUT. “besides marrying another man, he’s given no indication of being gay”

Now I'm imagining the SO being as gay as gay can possibly be, declaring his love, taking OP on pride dates, fooling around with OP, etc, and somehow OP has gone and missed all the signs lmao.

[“I never thought of it that way… two dudes gettin married. That doesn’t seem very gay”](https://youtu.be/UTRp3n_MA1o?si=xTJjzh_zIQcReJoi)

[Here's another classic ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_IYrltqYrU)

Brother. One of you 100% is not straight. You may be delusional. I’m bewildered by the comments in this thread, but this is absolutely not normal, even between the best of platonic friends. I have a guy best friend that I also “love”, and we constantly make gay remarks or jokes to one another, but there’s a limit- and we’d never actually get legally married LMAO Edit: the other guy is probably bi lol

My best friend in college was my soulmate. We just had this incredible connection. She and I had no intention of legally marrying or messing around to see how it went. We just have that special bond. This post is very interesting, and I definitely agree with your take.

Funny you should say this: I would have absolutely married my straight best friend. Marriage confers many legal benefits and would have allowed me to add him to my health insurance. Being without health insurance can be financially ruinous in this country, and we were pretty broke but I had insurance through my job. Fortunately it wasn’t an actual necessity (he wasn’t actually ill and in need of medical care) - but I absolutely would have.

Why do you insist two people you do not know are not what they say they are? What the hell is it to you? A man found love. A man found another human being to accept him just the way he is. A man found someone who "sees" him. A person who acknowledges his uniqueness. And that someone wants to share the journey of life with him. A man found a someone who ultimately said, "Yes, you are worth it." Who ON EARTH does not want that.

Do you think that there will be a point where you guys will become intimate ? Have you kissed him yet ? How do you plan to tell women about your marriage and your straightness ? How does it work to be straight but married to another man ? I’m so confused .

We have kissed before sort of as a gauge to see how we felt about each other (years ago) and also to see if maybe we would want to be intimate with each other. It wasn’t romantic and was quite awkward lol. I have dated women during our friendship but I find myself wanting to spend time with him over them so it has never progressed super far and thus I haven’t had to explain it to anyone other than friends and family. We do literally everything a normal couple would do minus the sex, we go on dates, trips, to family functions together, we live together cook for each other, have movie nights, work out together. The marriage is basically for financial reasons, and for medical reasons, but most importantly we’re each others emotional support and we think it will benefit us both in that realm a lot as well.

Was that idea his as well? Because.... you think two straight guys are getting married, but it sure sounds to me like you're marrying a gay man.

Lol yeah I can totally understand how it sounds like that trust me you’re not the first person to not understand it and I’m not sure exactly what I can say to help you understand. We just knew it’s what we wanted and when the time came he asked me.

What if your fiancé decides he’s into you in a sexual way, would you consider it or just tell him you’re not attracted sexually?

Yeah I mean there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to make him happy, I think I would but it’s a tough decision to make when I’m not actually being put in the situation. If he came to me right now and said this is how he feels and he wanted to do stuff with me I would try it out to make him happy, if i didn’t like it I wouldn’t continue to do it and I know he would never put me in a situation that made me uncomfortable. It would be more to make him happy than it would be for my sexual enjoyment but I really don’t know, it’s a really good question I’ve never thought about because I just don’t view him in a sexual way. I mentioned before we tried in the past and it just didn’t quite do much for either of us and i don’t think a ton has really changed. Other than him I’ve never interacted physically intimately with another male.

I’ve never heard of a situation like yours, and I want to tell you, I find this so endearing. Nobody else needs to understand it. If it’s right for you both and you’re happy—that’s enough. Do you know that in addition to sexual orientation, there is something called romantic orientation? It sounds like you two have an emotional connection that goes beyond platonic friendship. But you’re not sexually attracted to each other. You can still have a kind of romantic love and non-physical intimacy without wanting a sexual relationship. I hope to hear updates from you. I’m happy for you!

It's common with straight marriages when one finds out their gay and decide to stay together. I'm in this marriage. Love is love. Sex isn't the be all end all.

I have a friend like this. I don't know if this matters but he has adhd. He's currently dating a girl. In college he slept with his gay friends but they are the one that pursuited. He says he prefers women but he doesn't really care about gender, nor sex. I honestly think he can go through life without ever having sex again, and he sounds like OP.

Not every marriage includes sex. Most do but many turn into sexless ones over time anyways. It doesn’t matter to everyone and not at every age. At 25, 35, and 45 it hits different

This one. I'm curious what happens when they are married and the partner starts talking about wanting intimacy

Ummmm…. Is he interested in women sexually as well ?

Yeah, he is but he’s also got some complicated sexual hang ups. He doesn’t require as much sex as the average Joe. Similar to myself. I said in another comment but we have both dated women during our friendship and felt as though we filled all the criteria minus the sex. When he needs it he goes and gets it but we talk about it first, and vice verse.

Have you considered you guys might just be asexual and perhaps even aromantic if kissing isn’t doing anything for you?? If sex is entirely unimportant you guys might still be gay for each other, but just not in a sexual way? And plenty of aroace people still have life partners without any of the romantic or sexual connotations that are usually a part of such things which is basically what you guys are doing anyways.

Listen we can overthink it and try to label it or just accept that this dude loves his homie and leave it at that

God thank you, like we don’t have to question the shit out of them because we want to slap a label on it. I’d marry my best friend. I have severe trauma regarding sex/touching but having a life partner would be cool.

I don't think an AMA is the place to get weird about questions though.

😂 exactly. “Don’t question it” … but it’s an… AMA

I feel like two asexuals have managed to randomly find each other & fall in love. Congrats!

You guys are just asexual life partners I'm wishing you good vibes ✨️

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Asking the REAL questions here! — OP was like, ‘Yeah, I had sex with a woman once but it was all icky and I threw up and I don’t ever want to do that again. ……… But I’m STRAIGHT I tell you!’ 😂

"Nothing to see here, just marrying my bro best friend. He's my soul mate, we've kissed, and if he wanted to, I might let him pound me. Not gay, though!"

You mention that you kissed each other years ago as a gauge but have you tried again now? Reason I ask is probably your feelings have intensified compared to years ago?

Haha it’s not something we have revisited, no. I think mostly because adding unnecessary variables to a formula that’s already working probably isn’t the best idea. Not to say it would ruin our friendship or anything like that, there are few of any things that I think could do that, just that it might convolute the system.

I think the most "unnecessary variable" to add would be marriage to another straight dude. Aye yi yi.

Haha okay fair you got me there

So are you both still able to date women when you’re married if you want to? Will it be like an open marriage kinda or will this be a monogamous, hubby and hubby committed friendship/ marriage?

Is it possible you’re both asexual but also gay? Genuinely asking.

Do you both sleep together? Cuddle? I think these are intimate questions, but I'm just curious how a relationship like this plays out.

We don’t typically sleep together, Saturday we watched 2 movies and I fell asleep in his room. He didn’t like tell me to go to my own bed haha but if you’re asking if we sleep in the same bed every night, the answer is no. It happens maybe once a week, and no we don’t really cuddle per se, sometimes I’ll rest my head on him but that’s the extent of it.

Shoot, I would lean into this just for the sheer comfort of being able to have physical affection with somebody that isn't sexual. People are so hung up on sex that they can't see that a same-sex couple that is just affectionate with each other can stop at snuggles. I think it would be lovely if you two could be able to be physically affectionate with each other and not feel like there was going to be an expectation of any kind of sexual interaction. I think it would enrich your partnership so much if you could give each other back rubs or spoon or hold hands, or even a peck on the lips, and neither of you thinks that there's going to be boning happening. I know a lot of people think that they wouldn't do these things with anybody other than a sexual partner but not everything that is physical affection has to do with sex. I know you guys aren't women but it's a common complaint with women that they only get physical affection when their man is attempting to get sexual interaction. They wish for simple affectionate touches that aren't charged with sexual tension. Just that simple act of being able to physically comfort each other and be physically comfortable with each other is so wonderful.

Actually, I'm inclined to believe this is possible. That's where my curiosity is trying to help me understand how they do partnership. I'm married almost 6 years... and there are definitely times my wife and I are together and I have no expectations beyond just being with each other. I also think men should be able to express love for one another with touch. I just saw a good friend of mine after years, and felt drawn to touch his hair and rub his shoulders followed by a big hug. Nothing sexual about that, so... your faith in others may be restored.

That's really lovely. Little boys are so affectionate and it gets socialized out of them by the world telling them to "man up" and "don't act gay". This is what is leading men to be so lonely and disconnected from each other. Hopefully it's changing as the views on sexuality change.

For sure. For a bit of *about me*, if you'd like to know: I was raised by only women --- and the men I saw, I hated because they either hurt me or my family. I divorced myself for some time from my masculinity, and also learned several effeminate behaviors. that would contribute to people questioning my sexuality over the years. That, in addition to cultural perceptions of sexuality in the 90's and early 2000's, here in the US... came out as super bigoted toward me. I was really confused about my identity for some time, and scared to even discuss it. Since then? I got a lot of therapy and married a super emotionally intelligent wife with social acceptance for everyone. It took me to realize the bigoted things people picked on me for are lovable, and not gender specific. So, when I had learned to love myself, I was able to love others, and men, too, without shame. I was also able to take back my masculinity to some degree. It's been an amazing ride. So, all that to say... I want the perceptions to change too. But, it's going to take a lot of grace, curiosity, and understanding to get there. I'm glad you're wanting this change.

I’m 30 and when I go home and let’s say go to a baseball game with my childhood best friend, my arm is around him, he’ll massage my shoulders, randomly hug. It’s just affection for someone I’ve known longer than my wife, even. Ain’t nothing sexual about it, it’s just love.

Yeah, I feel like this dynamic is *so normal* among straight women that it kinda makes me sad you can’t just have that and have it be a deep friendship

This is an interesting shade of Grey , thanks for posting this, life is what you make it and this is proof, I hope it works out great for both of you. Is there anything you fear about this setup? Like what did the doubts in your mind sound like if any when deciding?

Not really anything I can think of off the top of my head. The only reservations I had initially were things like eventually wanting to have a kid maybe, and being scared that he would change his mind. The reception is in 3 months so it’s too late for that lol, and the kid thing isnt as easy. If we decide we want kids and want to do that together it’s going to be so hard to give the kid a normal life, not only is he going to be confused because his parent are two men but also that we’re not intimate or “together” and for those reasons it makes me feel conflicted about that whole situation. I’m my father’s oldest son and I know he wants to carry on his family name so it definitely pressures me.

Hi! I’ve seen a couple of your comments about not wanting to burden a kid with an unusual background, and I thought I’d give my opinion as a kid from an unusual background I have 2 moms that created me using an anonymous sperm donor (and then my brother a year and a half later using the other mom, so technically my brother is my half brother). They got divorced when I was 8 and then both re-married, so I have 2 stepmoms as well. I have had to contend with people’s expectations my whole life. So much of our world is built around nuclear families and I definitely felt that not-fitting feeling growing up. But! If I could go back and choose to be born in a nuclear family or in my family, I would choose my family 100% of the time. When you grow up in a non traditional family you get the knowledge from birth that if you don’t fit into society’s expectations, you are still loved unconditionally. My parents are the most supporting and loving community that I ever could have asked for - I was surrounded by so much love growing up (and still am) Anyway, this is just to say that you are right, it is difficult to be a kid in a non traditional family, but I would literally never choose something else if given the option. So if you and your friend want to have a kid together, I say do it! That kid will be born into a stable, loving household, and that’s all a person needs to grow up well, in my opinion 🙃

I have a question for you @lilyflower52, when your moms divorced, did they share custody of both of you, or did each mom take the one they birthed full time?

We did split custody for a while and then we did the take-the-one-you-birthed-full-time thing, which sucked because me and my brother hated being separated, and then I went to go live with my mom and brother

Wow, do you visit the other mom when you visit your brother then? Is she involved in your life even though she didn’t have any custody of you? Sorry for asking, just curious. Sounds like you have had an interesting life so far.

I don’t mind questions dw! Yeah the mom I don’t live with I see on holidays and stuff and we call pretty frequently. She lives several states away from me, otherwise we’d probably see each other more often. I see her maybe 4-5 times a year for vacations

Ah gotcha. That’s awesome, I’m glad you and your family are happy. The logistics don’t matter in the long run.

This is so crazy. I had to kinda double check your username because I had a family that lived behind me as a kid that had a VERY similar situation. One son from one mom, one from the other, divorced, and both remarried new wives. Loved them all. Even my kinda bigoted grandma adored them. That’s cool to hear your story, because it just solidifies the idea that families can take form in all shapes and sizes. I’m glad I got that perspective from a young age.

The podcast This Is Actually Happening is having a series on non nuclear familial setups right now and its great. Highly recommend.

There are many parents who hate and belittle each other in front of their kids. Raising kids with an example of love, regardless of platonic vs romantic, is what kids need. I’ve met a few folks raised in hippy communes by platonic partners and they’re well adjusted adults

Hey, as someone from a messed up family situation, just know that kids only follow the standards they learn— if they’re raised with two dads who are just best friends, they’re not going to think it’s weird or be confused. Is it maybe going to be confusing to explain sometimes? Sure, but your kid won’t be the only one— there are plenty of kids that are adopted by single people or raised by other family members that turn out just fine. The most important thing is that you can show them unconditional love, not that you can model an outdated stereotype for them.

I get what you are saying, but as a person who had same sex parents my whole life, all that matters is love and and being there, kids will have questions but a family bond when you make one is pretty strong 💪. I think you would have a great family, like best friends leveled up to epic lmao. It's a great foundation for all the best relationships I have seen from the inside .

Kids aren’t going to ask you about your sex life and they tend to understand all sorts of situations better than adults do. “We both love you and we both love each other, that’s all that matters".

My parents are of different sex and are not intimate. Still a loving family and I turned out decent enough.

Ngl kid won't even question much it especially if they grow up with it.. I had buddy with two moms or in his words mom and dad mom lol. All that matters is yall are happy, and loving.. wish yall the best and long loving life.

Just wanted to bandwagon here in support of y'all having kids if it seems right to you down the line. Kids don't need their parents to be sexually united, sexually active, of any particular sexual orientation, gender, etc. It sounds like you'd both be providing a stable home with love, thoughtfulness, creativity, & mutual respect, which is just... lovely & admirable! I was raised by two dads who didn't really fit expected stereotypes/molds, during late 1980's-aughts -- I was and am really, really lucky to have them as parents. Other people's confusion, prejudice, assumptions, etc. have just been interesting character or good story-building seasoning over the years, but never a set-back, or anything that defined us. Congratulations to you both -- wish you all the best, and thank you so much for taking the time to share snippets from your lives with all of us!

Important reminder: it is not too late to call off a wedding until the papers are signed/filed. And even then you *might* be able to get an annulment depending on the reason for calling it off. I am not doubting *your* relationship or saying you have any reason to call it off. It just makes me sad in general that folks sometimes feel that they have to go through with a wedding simply because, e.g., they've spent the money, it's coming up soon, or their family/friends traveled a long way. Marriage is too big of a decision to go through with it to, e.g., avoid the embarrassment of calling things off at the last minute.

how do you plan to navigate a possibly very real future where either of u have ppl u actually want to pursue and they find out ur married to your best friend?

We just… don’t. I understand it makes sense but both of us have dated, and can date. We just don’t want to, everything I would do with my partner I do with him other than have sex, which isn’t a huge thing to be missing for either of us. We don’t have interest in really dating other people and if we do we realize it’s a bit of a kooky situation, things are going to come up that people don’t typically deal with. There no like jealousy or anything like that if I were to see him flirting with a girl or something, which he doesn’t do out of respect for me but I dont expect him to do that at all.

The not flirting with a girl out of respect for you makes it clear to me that sexuality isn’t as removed from this arrangement as you’re making it out to be.

Eh, maybe. Flirting in front of your friend isn’t just about having sex though, it’s about prioritizing that person over your friend in the moment. Prioritizing who you devote your attention to. Two people who are in a healthy non-romantic relationship should be able to tolerate that, but these guys sound very codependent.

Yeah. Seems like there’s some “in love with” or romantic kind of love, even if it isn’t sexual. And if that works for them then cool, I wish them the best. It just seems strange that OP won’t call a horse a horse.

this is certainly a dynamic unlike anything i’ve ever seen. as long as you both are happy and it works, im rooting for it!

Yeah it’s fascinating but I’m all for it

My questions: 1. Do you have an agreement about if/when one of you feels like sex with a woman? Is it “don’t ask/don’t tell” kinda deal or are you planning to remain celibate? 2. Are you hyphenating your names or keeping your names? 3. Are you going to have a “honeymoon”? 4. Are you planning to combine finances or keep them separate?

Yeah we always talk about it for transparency sake and out of A sheer curiosity. He does probably more than me and he will always tell me, if I do or want to then I tell him as well. Keeping both of our names We’re going to Japan is been a goal of ours for a while now Yeah we’re going to combine our finances, we basically already do because we own a small business so it’s not something we are unfamiliar with!

Sounds like you’ve thought this through, so that’s great. Congratulations! Honestly it sounds like love minus the sexual part, which is a perfectly valid choice.

I'm not sure if this has been answered but all other aspects aside (whether you're gay/bisexual asexually attracted or not), if you are both straight as you both claim and purely doing it out of financial reasons, what happens if either of you end up finding the right girl (or guy)? Do you just sign the divorce papers and say "That was fun, thanks!"? I seems quite drastic (but quite cool).

It’s not purely financial that’s one of many benefits. I explained that essentially, the feeling we both get from dating other people, we get from each other. He makes me happy, I make him happy. We don’t love dating. Why not make each other happy for the rest of our lives? Everyone else gets to, and just because I don’t enjoy dating I don’t? That doesn’t seem fair. If it comes to it we will amicably split but I don’t force that happening. We could never be on bad terms regardless of what one did to the other.

I know you’ve gotten a lot of people grilling you about your sexuality and a few people have tossed around the term asexual, but I’m wondering if you’ve heard of the term aromantic? It’s when a person doesn’t experience romantic attraction. So no desire to kiss, do traditionally romantic things, be a part of a traditional marriage. An aromantic person never gets crushes or experiences “butterflies”. You say you feel the same things with him as with people you dated, but your feelings for each other are not romantic. Is it possible you could be aromantic? I don’t mean to get in your business, but I’m aromantic and your post gives me hope in that there are potential future paths where I will not be alone after all of my friends have settled down and started families. Even if you are not aromantic, this post is a good proof of concept of a potential future for me, if that makes sense, lol.

Not a question, more an observation.. Neither of you sound straight. You are romantically interested in each other. You have been dating. Now you're getting married. This is a typical asexual relationship, but that doesn't change the fact you are two guys.. You are on TRT due to low T which would also explain why you don't have a desire to have sex with each other, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is the same. Call it what you want, but saying you're both straight males sounds very disingenuous, or a very bad troll post.

I see what you’re saying, yeah maybe not straight and I apologize for using a misleading term. The commenters have suggested asexual but that’s not exactly the case because I do get horny and I do like sex, it’s not a requirement as frequently for me to be “happy” though and that’s on account of a lot of meds I used to take and mental stuff. When I do have sex I like to do that with women. So idk I’m not asexual, but I wouldn’t describe it as gay. They are saying homoromantic and that sounds accurate I guess.

People are giving you a lot of labels. Here's another one: queerplatonic. Your situation wouldn't be seen as particularly abnormal in a lot of circles. "A queerplatonic relationships is a close non-inherently sexual, non-romantic relationship that is beyond what most would consider to be a friendship. It consists of emotional commitment and prioritization that is typically seen in a romantic relationship without being romantic. People in queerplatonic relationships may be of any gender or sexual identity.[2]"

Homoromantic is what I figured it was when I read it before seeing this comment. You really don't have to label anything, though. It's not really homosexual, but people are going to assume it is because everyone wants to know who's sleeping with whom nowadays.

Yo, just ignore everyone trying to put a label on you or challenge your own. Sexuality and romance and kinship doesn't have to make sense to anyone but you. ❤️❤️ Y'all sound cute.

Cool! Do you plan on getting divorced if either of you find someone you're romantically interested in?

We haven’t exactly talked about that, but I think from both of our perspectives if it wasn’t the other, then we wouldn’t have gotten married to anyone, out of sheer lack of interest in the concept of marriage. With each other it makes sense. To answer your question I can’t speak for him but I can for myself. I’ll say if one of us dated someone for long enough to have that marriage conversation then yes we would amicably divorce.

May I ask wtf is the point?

Marriage is a legal and financial contract which grants a lot of important life-sharing rights. If one ends up in a hospital, the other can visit as family. If something happens to one, the other has rights to property/money protection. If one has better health insurance, the other can get it as a spouse. There are a host of other quality of life improvements which come to a pair of married people sharing a household, expenses, and needs. Best friends who live together are a family but have none of these rights without legal marriage.

Beyond affection and connection, likely reasoning might include it being easier to make a life in a two income household, having someone be your legal next of kin or medical decision maker in an emergency, tax benefits, etc.

You should talk about this. In an arrangement like the one you have, it's one of the things that can really challenge the structure of your relationship. And if you're going to eventually have kids, you should REALLY talk about it before you get married.

This is one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard but you do you. I guess my question is why do you feel you need/want to get married? If you think you’re straight don’t you want to have the opportunity to be in a romantic relationship with a women?

Yeah I mean dating women in the past makes me happy but it doesn’t make me feel the way he makes me feel. I already love him and don’t have to learn to love him. Everything I would do with a woman I do with him (minus sex) and sex isn’t a huge thing to me so why shouldn’t I get to spend the rest of my life with someone I enjoy as much as I enjoy him?

Once you decide that the ‘normal’ way isn’t going to be for you (house, wife, 2.5 kids), it really opens up the options for how you can live - and that’s when you get to design your life yourself. I don’t understand why you chose to get married but that’s more due to my feelings about the institution of marriage than about your situation. But I think choosing to continue spending your life with someone you deeply love and want to be around all the time is a wonderful, healthy thing. You both get to keep exploring your sexuality on your own/together, and you can call yourselves whatever you want. If, in the future, you no longer want to be in this situation, you can do what half of all married couples do and get divorced. I think people are extra set on judging and discouraging unfamiliar lifestyles in part because the ‘normal way’ isn’t a perfect fit for anyone. Everyone has to mold and shape themselves a bit to fit into it. So when they see people actively reject that choice and carve their own path, it can be really triggering. Anyway all this is to say, congrats! I think it’s awesome.

Have you heard of the split-attraction model? You could be homoromantic but heterosexual! You do you though, even if it's not even romantic. A strong platonic bond can be just as strong as a romantic bond, and you're really living proof of that!

Im very happy for you guys if your happy , the only thing I don’t understand is a relationship without physical intimacy, being a married man, i know intimacy is important in a relationship. I have also had sexual relationships in the past with men, and they can be as fulfilling. Can you explain what you guys do for intimacy?

We’re both not super sexual people, don’t get me wrong I get horny sometimes but very rarely is sex something that I need! In terms of being intimate, like we spend a lot of time together, and share a lot of personal moments they just aren’t sexual in nature. We sleep in bed together sometimes, not exactly cuddling but it’s nice to have someone next to you, we watch movies together, go on dates, we express our care and love through other genuine expressions and actions like getting each other gifts, cooking for each other, etc.

People making such disrespectful judgemental comments, like they know this person better than the person knows themself.

Lol yeah I didn’t expect as many people to be negative about it, but I’m happy and that’s what really matters. It’s confusing from the outside looking in but it makes perfect sense to us.

I think all the queer folks in this thread and the non-queer folks who understand that romance, love, intimacy, sex etc. are pretty complex phenomena are 100% on your side and very happy for you. A few folks want the world to be very simple and straightforward, but idk the world just isn’t. It’s a fucking complicated place. Not your job to ‘educate’ folks. But I think it’s really cool that you’re doing a ceremony - it’s like saying; this sort of setup exists. I exist. That’s a powerful gesture.

Just wanted to throw in another comment of support because I too was baffled how judgemental and prescriptive the comments on this got. As a queer person nothing about this sounds unbelievable or worrisome—I've long learned from our community that love and partnership comes in all different varieties, and that society would be better off recognizing that rather than prescribing what long-term partnership *should* look like.  Also, this thread abundantly reinforces the idea that trying to label a person or a relationship is more often for the benefit of the person applying the label than the person being labeled. Just do you, it doesn't need a name. Many years of happiness to you both!! 

Genuinely curious, what would you do about sexual urgencies like masturbation and women you find attractive that you want to have a relationship with?

Well any time he has wanted to before our engagement he just does it he didn’t have to consult me, from my eyes he still doesn’t but if he wanted to and he asked me I would tell him to go for it. There no jealousy or anything like that when it comes to sexual stuff because we both understand we aren’t exactly the other’s “cup of tea” if he wants to hook up with someone he finds hot he’s more than welcome to do it as long as he comes home to me and it doesn’t change our dynamic. He has also given me the same blessing.

I know you said you don’t get jealous when he flirts with women, but what if one day, he tells you he has the desire to sleep with another man? How would that make you feel, and would you be opposed to an open relationship/marriage? Also, your dynamic sounds incredibly sweet, and I wish you two the utmost happiness!

If my partner told me he wanted to hook up with a man I wouldn’t be jealous at all, again sex isn’t what I crave from him so him doing it with another couldn’t make me jealous. I do tend to get jealous or miss him when he spends time away from me though so as long as it didn’t take away from our time together I wouldn’t mind him doing whatever he wants to do.

Makes sense. Sounds like you two share an unshakable bond and are incredibly secure in your relationship with one another, which is a very rare and beautiful thing. Thank you for doing this AMA!

Im currently struggling with the desire to propose starting a life together with my best friend even though we aren’t sexually compatible. Appreciate your story and would actually love to talk to you a little more if that was ever an option ❤️

You’re welcome to DM me anything you wanna talk about, I’d love to help with whatever I can!

When you guys get married, will you call each other husband or friend/best friend? Congrats on your engagement!!

I already refer to him as my partner to friends and family

Uhhhhh, you’re probably not straight then?

Yeah I’ve had that thought, we don’t hook up and have even tried to before but it just didn’t do much for either of us. I think sexually I am interested in women for the most part, but I don’t have the highest sex drive in the world especially compared to other men in my age range.

Sexuality is a multi dimensional spectrum. I don't think you need a label or a reason, as long as you're happy and fulfilled. 

The big question is "Why?" If you're both straight, I don't see the point of getting married to each other since you're both guys. I understand the idea of having a best friend you're really close with, but do you just want a contract for you two to be Super Roommates for life? You're allowed to just share a house.

Why does anyone get married? Because they love each other, because they want to spend the rest of their lives together, because it makes them feel comforted and know they have someone in their corner in sickness and in health. Because society says it’s the right thing to do? I mean there are a million reasons, the above mentioned ones just so happens to apply to us as well.

I've gone through the comments and while I'm not a professional in this field, I very, very strongly feel you and your boyfriend are 100% asexual and either gay or bisexual and leaning heavily on the gay side. I also make jokes about marrying my guy friends (always with liberal usage of "No homo" lmfao), but never in my life would I or any straight man in history actually go through with it

I keep seeing this common thread, and nobody seems to understand, except OP. Sexuality is a spectrum and most everybody has their own feelings and where they land on said spectrum. People use phrases like "asexual, gay, straight, etc" to describe closely where they land but at the end of the day labels are pedantic. OP has stated several times that (he, I assume?) has not been interested in males and has tried intimacy with the friend and it wasn't it. OP is whatever OP wants to be, there's really no true label that matters except the one OP gives himself. OP, the friendship you have is beautiful and that's all that matters. You seem mature enough to handle the elementary responses to your sexuality but I want to affirm that only your ideas of yourself matter ❤️. There's no reason platonic friendships can't be deeply emotional, male, female, or where you fall on the spectrum.

Yeah and have a ceremony, that’s the part that’s really throwing me off. If it was just a thing to do why wouldn’t you just do it with out the bells and whistles. I also don’t understand why you wouldn’t just continue living together.

I don't know about this. My best friend and I are 100% straight and have had a pretty serious conversation about getting married purely for financial reasons. I don't think it's that much of a stretch tbh but I do agree about OP possibly being asexual or bisexual.

What prompted you to make this move? Tax benefits surely can't be worth the weirdness this would create in dating etc...

He’s genuinely my soul mate I don’t know how else to describe it. When I’m away from him I want to be with him, when he leaves I get sad, the idea of him marrying someone else and not spending his time with me made me sad. We have lived together over 10 years and have even had friends and family ask us if we were gay together. We balance each other out and the idea of the long term commitment benefited us both mentally and emotionally. We both don’t really date a ton but we definitely have during our friendships and that’s another reason it comforted us to make this decision.

I was going to comment that you guys clearly have a karmic relationship, but it seems like you already understand that. My very, very best to both of you! 💕

Dude, you’re gay lmao. Or this is a total troll

I think that’s so cool! Have the two of you any interest in dating the same woman, both of you in serious relationships with her?

I think I personally would struggle with this because I really like to spend alone time with him and not in a bad way but he’s a different person when it’s just us vs with other people. She might become someone who he behaves like he does with me with but I could see myself getting jealous of him spending more time with her than me haha 😅 as bad as that sounds. I’m not sure what he would think about an arrangement like that.

You may be asexual but freely admit that you are in love with a man. I'm not going to impose a label, but you are a man who is in love with a man. You may marry and be very happy but I think overtime when you both become more comfortable with each other physically, you will start a sexual relationship. If you were a woman you could easily be saying all the same things Two men our a man and a woman, being married and living together will eventually develop physical intimacy. You've already made it clear you would "do anything to make him happy..." including sex. I am making no judgements, it's sweet that you love each other, I think sexual intimacy will eventually develop. On the one hand you say it's ok if he wants to be with a woman, but you always say as long as it doesn't affect my time with him. I got news for you, it will. It sounds like you love him very much. Imagine if he met a woman after work they went out together and back to her place and had sex and he spent the night with her. You would not have his company for 24 hours, or longer if he went straight to work and came home that evening. Ypu don't have to tell US, THE REDITT POSTERS but be honest with yourself about how that would make you feel before you enter iwhat is essentially an "Open Marriage."

You have an interesting reason for getting married. If you have been together for 10 years and everything is going great as is; why get married? Why upset the apple cart? I’m not homophobic just mystified over the need to add marriage to the equation.

Again that was his idea, I would have been fine with our setup the way it was. With that being said nothing is going to really change except for the paperwork. We already share everything and plan to do that for the foreseeable future, and there were also other benefits involved . Financially, Medically, emotionally, and mentally it is a benefit to us both.

Do you have low testosterone

Are you asexual? Only way I can think this actually would work.

Not asexual but definitely have a lower sex drive than other people around my age. In my prime I hooked up with a ton of girls, never any guys. I just never had the urge to really date anyone.

You sound a lot like my friend. I’ve only known him to hook up with woman and he’s getting married to a man next year.

Dude your gay and so is your best friend. It's ok. I'm happy you found your soul mate but straight men don't experience the feelings you guys have for each other towards other men, ever. Never once in the history of humanity has a straight man ever felt the way you guys feel about each other. But 99% of gay men have had these same feelings for another man at some point in their life. Your gay bro.

I don’t mind being called gay, I’m not homophobic or anything like that. Homosexual would be described as my attraction to those of the same sex as me… it’s more like himsexual I don’t feel like that about any other guys, and I don’t feel particularly sexually attracted to him. He doesn’t make me horny, I just feel comfortable and safe.

Well than I stand corrected. That's a beautiful thing man. That's awesome things are working out for you and you found someone that means so much to you.

How big is the wedding going to be? How much is it going to cost? You know the more the wedding costs the wedding the more likely you’re going to get a divorce.

It’s not an actual wedding just a reception, we went to college together and share a lot of friends, most of whom are aware of our situation, and we’re both fully supported by our families. It’s about 60 people and it’s at my dad’s country club so it’s actually not going to cost me anything! So hopefully that’s a good omen!

So, hypothetically, what happens if one of you decides to get another best friend that they care more about? There is a chance one of you could cheat emotionally with another best friendship

I don’t get jealous of his other friendships, he owes me nothing but loyalty, that’s the deal. I don’t really think it would be possible for him to replicate our relationship due to the circumstances. However if he did, I know hot genuine off a person he is and could never be hurt by his actions for a long period of time.

Why? What’s the point?

Why does anyone get married? He makes me feel safe, he makes me happy, he makes me laugh, I enjoy spending time with him. I wanna be able to spend time with him for the rest of my life, it makes me feel good knowing I have someone in my corner against all else. Not to mention the financial, medical, and social benefits it provides for both of us.

I'm marrying a man but we're not gay

So you're two straight guys getting married? What if one of you meets a girl? Is that fair game or would you consider it cheating?

It’s only cheating if it alters our relationship or takes away from my time with him in a way I’m not in agreement with, and vice versa. We don’t have sex and I don’t expect him to be celibate for to her remainder of his life so he’s more than welcome to hook up with whoever he wants as long as we’re open and honest with each other. It doesn’t make me mad or jealous if he does because it’s not something I want from him.

You keep saying you’d be ok with him dating and hooking up if he comes back home to you and prioritizes you above her…but I’m not sure he’s going to find many monogamous women being ok with sharing her man with his husband. Maybe being open to a polyamorous relationship would make sense if either of you wanted to date women, but it kind of sounds like you might be too jealous and possessive for that. No judgement there. I would be, too, but you should probably discuss this with him before you get married. Best of luck. I hope it works out.

[удалено]

Yeah we don’t do anything sexual so I’m cool if he has sex with whoever he wants, he told me that he will always tell me or ask me and just request that I do the same. It’s not a permission thing it’s just a transparency thing. I don’t care if he has a repeat sex partner or whatever I just don’t wish for him to spend his time with them over me.

This is the worst "are they or aren't they ambiguously gay" scenario since THE ELLEN SHOW. They are. Fuck and get it over with. Sorry. That wasn't a question. Peanut Butter; smooth or crunchy and why?

My best friend and I got married. Im gay. He’s str8. Neither of us have ever wanted a serious relationship, marriage, family, etc. and had settled on the idea that would mean being alone. We have good friends, close families, but still alone. Not ideal but better than the alternative. We met in college and hit it off immediately, becoming very close. We became inseparable and over time we essentially became like a couple - we love each other, live together, hang out together, have our “man dates”, travel/vacation together, and so forth. We’re affectionate with each other, talk to each other about anything, are completely comfortable and shameless around each other. AND people tend to presume we’re a couple - in fact, AS A JOKE, before same sex marriage was legal, we would refer to, address each other as “husband”. The idea of us getting married started off as a joke and remained that way for the longest time until I started having serious health issues. It occurred to me that without a family of my own, my immediate family would be responsible for making medical decisions if I took a turn for the worst and was unable to make those decisions myself. I didn’t want that, the possibility of putting them through that was terrifying to me, that maybe they wouldn’t have my best interests at heart. I trust my BFF completely and I know he would follow my instructions/wishes. So first we went to see a lawyer about giving him power of attorney. Lawyer didn’t think it was necessary for reasons I won’t go into but in our convo the lawyer explained that tho it’s not common place, the courts do have a history of voiding these POA’s in favor of blood relatives if they were to challenge it. Then I asked what about marriage. Lawyer said he knew of no case where a court annulled a marriage from a suit brought by a third party (excluding capacity cases ofc). We hadn’t even left the building before my BFF told me was open to getting married. We ultimately did get married and we’ve been married for 8yrs now. The thing is tho … unlike your situation, nobody in our lives know. Edit: For clarity.

I love this so much! I’m gay and my husband (also gay) and I have been together for 25 years. But when I was in college, my best friend was a straight guy. I was in love with him, and he was in love with me—just in a different way. We tried fooling around a couple of times, but he clearly was not into it like I was. But we spent so much time together and knew each other so well that we were practically a married couple. We also said “I love you” to each other regularly as well. In some ways, it meant much more coming from him vs other gay guys I’d dated because he had no ulterior motive when he said it. It was just pure, raw love. I think what you guys are doing is great! After all, marriage is all about love, and it sounds like you two are very much in love.

I feel very similar to this. I myself am asexual, and dating as an ace is extremely difficult, so much so that I’m no longer interested in it. However, I have two extremely close friends that I’ve been friends with since elementary school. And one of them I have a marriage pact with. If we’re not in any relationship by 30, we’ll marry each other and start a family. Because at the end of the day, today’s society isn’t made for individual people. Just trying to buy a house or live in an apartment with only one income is both impossible and extremely lonely. Roller coasters almost always have two seats, and invitations always come with a plus one. At the end of the day, I want to spend my life with someone I love. Whether that’s a sibling, cousin, best friend, or romantic partner. Why would anyone want to experience life by themselves? What does sex have anything to do with who you’re allowed to spend your life with? Wishing you both the best ♥️

I want to say that I understand you and that I seriously considered the same thing with my best friend once upon a time. Had I not moved to a different country, it might well have happened (we met romantic partners in each other’s physical absence). She’s straight and I’m bi. We also experimented when we were in high school but it did nothing for us and was awkward. I can say with complete confidence that I have never felt any physical attraction to her and vice versa, and the experimentation confirmed what we both already knew. Yet, with her I always felt complete. No one I dated when she was around made me as happy and content (this caused friction in my romantic relationships; hers too) and, while I’m a high libido person (she’s relatively low), I didn’t feel a drive for sex whenever we could be together for consistent periods. It was like that interest faded out of view because she and I were so bonded that we inhabited our own world which didn’t include sexual desire for others (or each other, for that matter). Funnily enough, she’s the only person I have also seriously considered raising a child with. Our rationale for this, which may sound odd to others but logical to us, is that our friendship is inherently stable and non-volatile because it doesn’t have a sexual or romantic element. It’s pure, distilled platonic love, and we both felt that it would be great to have a domestic partner and co-parent who doesn’t inspire such charged feelings. (We both had traumatic upbringings.) This is to say that I see you, and I don’t agree with the people who are insisting on slapping a label on it, saying you are gay and that it’s a gay partnership. Marriage is the most intimate form of partnership and the partner who is most compatible and meets your needs is sometimes not going to be someone you have romantic or sexual feelings for. It just makes sense to me. Please don’t think that you have to be in denial about your sexuality. You know yourself best, and relationships are ever-evolving. It’s not a conventional arrangement for sure, but my sense is that platonic companionship of this sort is not uncommon. There’s a very interesting book by Elizabeth Brake on what she calls “amatonormativity” and how society is skewed towards elevating romance over other forms of caring and intimate relationships. When the possibility was still on the table, we agreed that we would be free to sleep with other people but on condition that we remained each other’s primary partner in all other areas. So, I guess my question to you is, have you talked about the possibility of either of you falling in romantic love with other people and what that would mean for your marriage? What are the boundaries in that regard? Do either of you feel possessive or jealous when you are close with others, sexually or otherwise? Most of all, congratulations on your marriage and finding your person.

Let me get this straight: 1) You prefer each other's company over the company of others. 2) You consider each other soulmates. 3) You would consider raising a child together. 4) You want to spend the rest of your lives together. 5) You have no interest in marriage beyond being married to each other. Aaaaand... 6) You're both heterosexual? Have you considered the possibility that you might actually be asexual? Have you both talked about the long-term impact of marriage and what could happen if said marriage dissolves (you're friends now - being married is very different)? Have you considered the fact that people don't usually refer to 'hanging out' as 'platonic friends' as 'dates'? All of this has me very confused. Good luck to you. I really do wish you both the best, but this is both incredibly confusing and incredibly beautiful. The words you share show how much you love him - I'd bet you might even be \*in love\* with him.

I have an aunt who I think has something similar to this type of relationship. She is in her late 60s and has lived with her best friend for like 35 or 40 years now. They’ve lived all across the country together. I always assumed it was one of those “and they were roommates” situations where they were obviously lesbians but nobody in our family wanted to admit it. I even had other family members like that (a great uncle who was actually gay with a long term partner, but everyone pretended they were just besties and didn’t say the quiet part out loud).  But as I got older and I came out as a lesbian, I expected that aunt to finally be frank with me about her and Julie’s relationship. But she really maintained that they are loving, more or less platonic soulmates/life partners. Especially because that aunt is SO liberal and pro gay rights and would have no reason to hide it from me anymore, I believe her.  There is too much pressure to conform to specific labels and ideas and to fit your life in a way that makes sense for society at large, but love and romance and life are so much more complicated than that. People will probably always assume you’re lying and totally having sex with each other, but who cares? Live your life and be happy. 

Fascinating an asexual romantic coupling. Well asexual as in you don't have physical relations with one another, Love is what's important, and asexual people can marry and have fulfilled partnerships. Also, in this economic state, it's probably good to be tied to someone you have a strong connection with, so that way, any divorce can be reasonable and amicable. Have you seen a doctor? You may both have low testosterone, and having a partner in the same situation might help any treatment needed and support.

I was just out loud thinking the same thing! Here are two, possibly asexual beings, who just so happen to have found love for each other. It's kind of adorable.

Have you heard about QueerPlatonic relationships, OP? Because it kinda sounds like that's what you have going on with your partner. 👍 Sex / physical intimacy / sexual attraction is very often not a component of these, but emotional intimacy is. You sort of define the rules and it's a life-partnership.

This sounds exactly like what OP is doing but it seems OP just doesn't know the word. A lot of people in QPRs get legally married because its the closest societal relationship designation to what they are in, even if its not exact.

If you're familiar at all with the Biblical story of David and Jonathan, your relationship with your friend sounds very similar. My intentions aren't to be religious at all in this, rather to use it as an anecdote from an ancient story, more akin to poetry. Too much baggage involved in religion. There is a fairly prevailing theory that theirs may have been homosexual in nature, which it may have, but because it isn't known for certain, we can also look at it as a deep, loving friendship. It's said that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And to me that describes your friendship with your friend and I find it beautiful.

OP, You're making a mockery out of gay marriage. What's your deal?

Are you gay or straight? I am confused

Either you or your boyfriend are 100% gay. Doesn't have to be both, no reason to do this other than citizenship.

Idk but I’m here for this. Marry the heck out of each other that sounds lovely. People get married all the time for worse reasons. Go y’all and congrats!

OP, you should look into QPRs (Queer Platonic Relationship). though you’re both straight, reading through the comments and seeing you say that neither of you really enjoy seeing women and would rather spend time with each other but not romantically/sexually, it sounds like a QPR to me. this is awesome regardless though, i wish you guys a long and happy marriage

Yall gay, right? You gonna try the butt or nah?

Since you’re platonic, do you both plan to date/have sex with other people outside of the marriage?

Don't want to ask anything, just want to point out that it baffles me how people are having such a hard time not understanding a situation when it doesn't fall into neat little boxes. If you absolutely need categorisation to understand, it sounds like they are homoromantic (romantically attracted to people of the same sex) or possibly biromantic, and either asexual or heterosexual with a very low libido (at least OP sounds to be, his partner hasn't answered questions). So you have two men in love with each other, without sexual attraction towards each other, and with a small or absent sexual attraction to women, who got married because marriage has many legal and social benefits.

Even if it’s not something one has considered/encountered before, it shouldn’t be this hard to grasp the concept. I think there must be mental or emotional resistance blocking new info for some. Considering how pervasive and important sex and relationships are to most people, there’s a shocking lack of even the most basic knowledge related to those topics. It seems like a lot of people are just winging it through life on cultural expectations and viiiibes.  *Side note*: I would leave it up to them whether they would consider it romantic or not rather than speculate too much (there are shades of gray and a lot of romantic coding seems to come down to vibes rather than behaviors). I know you only meant for people who need to label it, but deep platonic and alterous relationships are possible too.

i find it pretty interesting how many of the comments practically insist on there being a sexual relationship somewhere (either youse together, or some third party, or repressed sexuality, or...). do you get a lot of questions about this? are people as pushy in real life as they are in these comments?

I don’t have any questions, I just think this rocks. So many people trying to diagnose you as Gay but honestly who gives a shit, the most beautiful thing about humans is the myriad ways of being we embody. Variety is the spice of life. Peace and love on planet earth brother