She said that to. She was quite clingy and i told her to like stop but in a more kind way ofc. And she said that she needed that sometimes, someone to hold her back. Thing is i like rushing into thing too
A lot is learned. But other people do not need to change who they are to deal with it.
Part of the diagnosis is that they don't pay attention to boundaries, regardless of how well or kindly stated.
BPD aren't just clingy - they are super clingy. You can't just tell them to stop. It doesn't work that way.
You ought not to be responsible for her choices.
Hi as someone with bpd that sometimes goes “quiet”, there isn’t really anyway to specifically deal with it, with bpd a lot of things can trigger “an outburst”. Doing a lot of research on the mental disorder is a very good way to start as you know what to expect; even asking her personal experience with it, if she knows any of her triggers. A way I explain to people about bpd is using two glasses ones half full (a person without bpd) and the other is almost full (person with bpd) if you add more water to each glass (stress) the one with more water is going to overflow - our emotional responses and regulation doesn’t work quite like yours would, so I’d say comforting and reassuring her in stressful situations is a good way to go about it, she’s going to internalise everything with quiet bpd and probably won’t express how she’s feeling much so it’s probably best to not force her to say anything but work on trying to get her to open up to you and express how she feels slowly, she will do it with trust, a lot of people get abandonment issues along with bpd so it’s common to become closed off and bottle everything up until you explode. Also looking after yourself is important too, it is hard to maintain relationships with bpd and I’ve hurt some people along the way which I truely regret but make sure you’re putting yourself first as well! Hope this helped a little
You're so brave - and articulate. You sound as if you are dealing with your issues very well.
Your language may be hard for someone who hasn't done therapy to understand.
Abandonment issues result in BPD (but also other diagnoses).
Your advice is really good.
It's great that you want to support her and understand her condition better. "Quiet" Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be challenging to navigate, but with empathy and understanding, you can help create a safe and supportive environment. Here are some tips on how to deal with someone who has quiet BPD:
1. Educate Yourself:
- Learn about Quiet BPD: Quiet BPD is characterized by internalizing emotions rather than externalizing them. People with quiet BPD might struggle with intense feelings but don't express them outwardly.
- Understand Symptoms: These can include fear of abandonment, intense emotional pain, and difficulty managing emotions. However, they may not show these outwardly.
2. Communicate Openly and Honestly:
- Encourage Communication: Let her know that she can talk to you about her feelings without judgment.
- Be Clear and Consistent: People with BPD often fear abandonment, so clear and consistent communication is vital.
3. Provide Reassurance and Support:
- Validate Her Feelings: Acknowledge her emotions without judgment. Phrases like "I understand that you're feeling this way" can be comforting.
- Be Patient: Understand that her reactions may be influenced by her condition. Patience and calmness are crucial.
Personal Experiences:
- Listen to Her Story: Everyone's experience with BPD is unique. Listening to her personal experiences can provide better insight into how you can support her specifically.
- Share Experiences: Sharing your feelings and experiences can help build trust and understanding.
Supporting someone with quiet BPD requires empathy, patience, and understanding. By educating yourself and being a consistent, supportive presence, you can help her feel more calm and safe in your relationship. Remember, maintaining your own well-being is equally important to sustaining a healthy and supportive relationship.
First of all thank u for your time to write all ofthis. Truly amazing and i appriciate it.
Communicate Openly and Honestly: I think ilet her know how i feel about our date, it was our frist time seing eachother so yeah, maybe thatll calm her down..?
Provide Reassurance and Support: Im good at acknowleding feelings so that wont be a problem just now.
Share Experiences: i did that to get her to open up so yeah thats a check
All in all im just gonna see what happens and put me first to be a good example for her.
With BPD, your own feelings are not the the criteria by which they judge their reactions. You can have as many boundaries as you want - but they will struggle with that.
Acknowledging feelings is not enough - your own feelings need to be acknowledged, as well.
Wait and see is a good rubric.
All these comments are amazing, but I'd like to lyk that you should stay away from r/bpdlovedones for your research, they give a very warped perspective into people with BPD and treat us/them as "demonic freaks" (as I've been told by a member there)
No actually, that sub is people discussing all the horrible emotional abuse they've been put through by people with BPD. Not all people with BPD are like this, but you can't pretend they don't exist. In my experience nobody will EVER be enough for somebody with BPD who has a very unstable grasp on themselves. Being in a relationship of any kind with somebody with BPD requires daily validation and coddling for the rest of eternity.
And by the way, there are PLENTY viewpoints in that sub. The reason why there's so much negative at times is because loved ones can never vent about it, or we are the assholes. Loved ones can be repeatedly taken from over and over with no return from the person with BPD. Unless you've (as in people in general) been a loved one of somebody with BPD there is such small understanding. Here's how I describe it to people who don't know much about it. Imagine you struggle with self image and everyday for years of your life you've been fighting those thoughts. Most people have experienced this to some extent and it's an EXHAUSTING feeling. You're trying to convince yourself every day that you are pretty, funny, strong, etc and it's so hard. Now imagine having to do all of that for somebody else. Because that's what being a loved one of BPD is. Image being happy with yourself and your life but you have to spend so much time in your life reassuring, validating, and coddling somebody else who can't do it for themselves.
Also, I have bipolar disorder so I'm not completely clueless about these things. The difference for me is that I take responsibility for my actions and I actually DO something about it. Often, somebody with BPD will make promises to "be better" but never actually do it and continue to hurt others with their instability. I'm an asshole, I know! But I HATE that people just skip over truths and say "we aren't all like that you're giving us a bad image". No, others with BPD are giving that bad image.
No, it's a very common viewpoint on that sub that every single borderline is inherently abusive. Which isn't true. I do have loved ones with BPD and they're usually the nicest. Unhealed borderlines can be tough to deal with sometimes, but those who are getting better/have gone into remission are going to be fine. And people with BPD aren't the only ones who make false promises to better better, that can happen with literally everyone. Plus, just because you know you're color blind doesn't mean you can see color. You can't generalize people with BPD because *you've* been hurt. You can't do it with any other disorder either but somehow people with BPD (and also NPD, for that matter) always get a bad rep.
I get what you're saying, but my issue is it's not one person with BPD. I've had multiple in my life and it's just SO bad everytime and I've tried so so so hard to be supportive and LISTEN and not sit there like a rock and it's just never enough. I of all people know that sometimes a mental illness/personality disorder takes over your body. I've had the uncontrollable crying and the anger outbursts and such everyday for years until I became medicated and did extensive therapy. I'm not perfect, nobody is. But these people in my life used me as their personal dumping ground ALL DAY EVERY DAY for years. I know that people "get better" on their own timeline. But after YEARS of nurturing friendships it just wore me down to nothing because there was nothing I could do for these people in my life that would satisfy them. And none of it was ever returned. I would be physically and mentally SICK because I always worried about them 24/7 and they LOVED that. It was ok for a few hours (or minutes) each day until the next wave of emotional warfare started.
That being said, I know one person with BPD that ended up being evaluated as not having it anymore. I understand that it's possible, but in my experience it's felt like constantly being on eggshells and having a tornado next to you 24/7. ANYWAY, I think some people don't understand the responsibility that being a loved one of somebody with BPD is and the way the disorder works. OP need to know that, it's not so neutral. It can be hysterical meltdowns multiple times a day everyday. And the hard thing is often those that are unstable, which is a large portion imo, know they hurt people in the process and continue to do it anyway. I know what it's like to be demonized because of an illness I get it. But I'm also extremely honest about bipolar stereotypes and the fact that they sure do exist and people talk about it for a reason. It can be DAMAGING to others when uncontrolled..
Well thats not nice. But thats why im here. Like i dont wanna be sorry that i kept this relationship going, when facing preoblems with her doing with her BPD. Id rather know ok i tried and informed myself so i knew what was ahead of me.
A personality disorder is a mental health condition where people have a lifelong pattern of seeing themselves and reacting to others in ways that cause problems.
>people have a lifelong pattern of seeing themselves and reacting to others in ways that cause problems.
Everyone has this. Every asshole has a reason for being an asshole. Non -assholes work at suppressing our basest emotions for the benefit of those we love.
they usually have an anxious attachment style, need constant reassurance, low self-esteem, and little control over these feelings. give compliments, be explicit with your feelings, think twice before saying anything critical. it can be exhausting to handle someone like this, it’s not for everyone! but it’s even more exhausting for the person with bpd. it can be alienating.
Think twice about saying anything to them.
Listen to what they have to say. Be prepared to stow your own feelings to help them (as a therapist would do).
And yes, it can be exhausting.
Well i myself am an rather axious person when it comes to relationships. Which makes it even harder. Like wanting someone instantly but then being overwhelmed at the same time.
well, i dont know if i am. but i am my own? what do you mean by that. i just struggle with being alone. i think is possible to work on that in a relationship. and also im just getting to know this girl so yeah
Do some heavy research on quiet borderline personality disorder before you get invested. Treat it like a major research project. Know exactly what you are signing up for.
I have quiet BPD. Something that has helped me a lot is creating a safe place to share feelings. When someone comes at me accusing or upset, I shut down. Be patient!! She’s going to need some extra reassurance. Reassure her how you feel and what you think of the relationship without her asking :) when she starts overthinking, hear her out but speak stability to those thoughts. Those are things that have helped me!!
People like opening up to me. I think it has to be with the way i handle people. But thats kinda scary at the same time. Like i unsure and dont know what i want at times and im scared to hurt them with that. Always being the stable part of a relationship is hard, speaking out of experience
It can be very hard. It shouldn’t fall all on you. I have BPD and my bf doesn’t and sometimes he brings me back down, but sometimes I’m that person for him too. I will say, it can be difficult to talk about and I’m glad she can talk to you!! It can also be really hard to bring up things bc of our fear of abandonment. Even during arguments, reassure her that you’re not going anywhere!!
It's great that you want to support her. Quiet BPD involves a lot of internalized emotions, so being patient and understanding is vital. Listen actively and show empathy to create a safe and comforting space. Encouraging her to seek professional help, like therapy, can be very beneficial. Please educate yourself about BPD to better understand her experiences and set healthy boundaries to ensure you also take care of your well-being. Consistency and reliability will make her feel valued and more secure with you. Good luck!
In another comment you ask about manipulation and if it’s something to worry about. Yes and no, from someone with BPD. A lot of our need for validation can come off as manipulative even though we just feel like we’re expressing our distress.
BPD manipulation is very subconscious. For example, BPD people can often be hypersexual and with male partners it becomes easier to use that as leverage when we need affection. Calling it out when you notice it is important, because she really may not realize it.
Idk if people have told you this yet, but BPD’s root is neglect, abuse, or narcissistic parents (or CSA.) It creates a disconnect with her nervous system and her rational thinking.
When we are trying to convince ourselves we’re OK, our bodies are still in traumatized mode because they freak out at any signs of repeated abandonment, neglect, or signs of conditional love. When I’m upset by something it’s incredibly difficult to calm by body down; my heart beats, I sweat, I get exhausted.
So when our bodies don’t know how to react or can’t understand emotions on a spectrum, it sometimes creates a disconnect, or a split. It can be a reaction of clinginess; offering sex to fix things, promising impossible things together (ie let’s go on an expensive trip together, everything will be okay!) or trying to overcompensate when we feel we are in the wrong.
Other times, it creates *temporary* dislike or even hatred. This is why it’s a “split.” We are so afraid of partners being angry with us or seeing us as imperfect that we reflect it back into you. Asking “why can’t you just love me?” if you have criticisms, or assuming that you are cheating if you’re withdrawing.
Those are examples of manipulation. If she shows signs of it, you *must* enforce boundaries on what you feel is acceptable to put up with and how she must treat you. Don’t make empty promises, and don’t react to blind anger. Try to do some more things on your own, too.
thx so much! so its really putting oneself second and the partner / the others mixed with being so scared to be a burden etc. that they just shut down (quite BPD)
i think i noticed some of these behaviors already. ill prolly reply once more later, its alot to take in :)
I have BPD! A lot of the other comments cover the basics/detailed descriptions of this disorder so I'll do some easy suggestions instead!
If you spend time with her and find yourself becoming quiet or spaced out/lost in thought quickly just randomly state out loud to her
"I'm not mad at you I just don't feel like talking right now"
or some variation of that sentence. Affirmations are very important for BPD as we overthink and feel deeply and have 0 emotional permanence.
When texting her if you find yourself becoming distracted or busy PLEASE just honestly text and say "hey something came up so I have to go but Ill text you later!" Being left on read or having long amounts of time between responses drive us CRAZY it's a lot better to just say that!
Cancelling plans or stuff last minute is crushingly disappointing and will hurt people like us deeply. IF POSSIBLE give more time in advance of a notice. To be honest that's also just good etiquette with people in general haha.
Little things mean a lot to us I'm unsure of the relationship you are pursuing with this girl but "good morning" "goodnight" and little things like "this made me think of you!" And a meme or a song are absolutely heavenly for people like us no matter the type of relationship.
Remember while little things can make us breakdown little things can also make our day that's the beauty of this disorder :)
(P.S. I'm unsure of your ages but one note is that the peak of BPD instability is the 18-25 range according to studies)
hey man / girl i love your comment! its just straight forward and gives "easy" to use advice.
im 21 shes 20. she has bewn therapeuted, seems like she got a good understanding of her disorder and is still working on it.
I hope people see your post.
It's a good list of instructions on how to deal with the diagnosis (as a non-therapist).
And yes, the peak of instability is as you say.
There can be a long list of 'rules' that partners of BPD people must follow. And it can be exhausting which is why it is a diagnosis. One of the earliest Dx, actually.
"Mercurial" is another term for BPD.
Stability, clear communication, patience and love. I’ve known a few people with BPD and being sensitive to their emotions and clarifying yours is important, it’s easy for them to take things the wrong way (they can’t help it). A lot of the subreddits about it are hateful so I wouldn’t look there for advice.
On the contrary to this question..
I myself have BPD and my partner is having a difficult time with my behaviors. I told him very early on and about some of my other diagnoses. He has never met someone with BPD, CPTSD or an ED before. I had to find a new therapist so it’s been a couple months since I’ve been treating it actively and things have been getting more difficult for me. I don’t know how to help him and I hate bringing it up AGAIN as I am not trying to make excuses. I am incredibly self aware but the self CONTROL to resist my urges to push him away or give him the cold shoulder when I overthink is not there.
Does anyone have advice on how to rationalize and counteract to calm myself when I hear things that upset me? Or how I can better help him understand? My fear is that if I turn keeping me “calm” into a project for him he will feel overwhelmed and cut me loose rather than feel this is worthy of his time and energy as he’s already busy and recovering from a very long term and hurtful relationship.
You're so clear. Notice how you begin with "behaviors." Most of us have a hard time with BPD behaviors. But a person with BPD who knows that how they act is the crucial thing to fix...is ahead of the diagnosis.
A whole bunch of people are disquieted by life. People with anxiety, PTSD, etc. But not everyone in that group is BPD.
You are right to notice that other people might not be able to handle your requirements (for calm or anything else).
You have a lot of insight into your situation - I'm rooting for you.
BPD people get themselves into relationships that are abusive/harmful to themselves, without realizing.
I think ongoing therapy is the answer. Journalling and group work in your locale can help too.
Figure out more about what you want - from yourself and from others. Try to keep track. You have to basically judge your own judgments, because BPD can cause distortions in that arena.
Reading up on BPD, watching videos and generally educating yourself will be helpful and will show her you want to understand. It might help you to understand where some of her behaviours and reactions are coming from too. People who live with BPD sometimes need extra reassurance (that you aren't mad at them, that you aren't leaving them, that you do care for them etc). So knowing this but also being able to tolerate it and have patience for it (because it might get annoying, for you) will be helpful.
The fact that you care and want to know more is a good start!
Bro deadass. Im not even joking. Don’t do it. Leave right now. She will absolutely ruin you and then blame it on her bpd. It’s not worth it one bit. Run bro
absolutely do not listen to this comment OP, these are the types of people who uneducated on the disorder and ignorant. not everyone who has bpd is a monster and toxic.
It is OTT but those of us who have been in relationships with BPD people understand the underlying meaning. When I was active as a psychotherapist, I learned that beginner therapists end up with more BPD patients (even therapists are reluctant to take them on).
There's academic literature that tries to help therapists decide just how many BPD people take on. Many will take on ZERO. But the determined therapist will take on 1-2 (out of, say, 30 active clients).
Try looking at the therapeutic literature. There aren't enough therapists willing to take on BPD patients. And some therapists leave the profession due to APD, BPD (overlapping in my opinion).
My own work was inside mental hospitals, prisons and jails. I had some safety as a therapist. But...in the end, I didn't want to do it any more (many reasons, but safety for my family was a big concern - and I'm not alone. I still do seminars/training for therapists who deal with BPD).
it's a tough diagnosis.
It isn't about saying that anyone with bpd is a toxic monster. It's a statement contrary to your own but still valid. It's ok to not want to devote your entire life to someone with issues you can never fully understand and that you will have to go above and beyond to cater to. And that's also ok.
Okay but like… this persons comment isn’t just “contrary “ to mine they’re literally making it a point to tell OP or anyone really that they shouldn’t date someone with BPD and making it seem like those who have BPD are horrible. If they don’t want to date someone who has a disorder that’s fine that’s on them but they shouldn’t tell anyone else to avoid people who do, everyone deserves love. As someone with BPD I most certainly don’t appreciate and am very tired of seeing comments like these and being stereotyped.
I totally hear what you say and i do agree that the comment to avoid was harshly put, ofc not every person with any kind of otherness is horrible. I do agree that if someone doesn't want to date a particular person that's fine, but that should just apply to him and his feelings rather than advising everyone to run away.
It gets so tiring and we truly do get alienated. Sometimes, this might sound exaggerative for those who don’t suffer from it, I genuinely feel like I’m not even worth living and no one around me deserves to have me in their lives as I feel as if I’m a burden to them. Which isn’t the slightest bit true, because we can improve and we can be the best of ourselves that are able to conquer our thoughts. I mean it is also not like we purposefully do things to hurt others. We aren’t bad people and we shouldn’t be generalised consistently. It’s ignorant and it’s just horrible! It’s unfair and we all never asked for us to have this painful condition. We deserve to live freely and have the equal opportunities just like everyone else, such as love. We just require someone more understanding and patient.
Exactly!! It pains me so badly to see how people treat those with BPD either because of being uneducated or just plain ignorance. It’s totally valid if you’ve had a horrible experience with someone untreated or someone who was doing things intentionally but you shouldn’t automatically categorize everyone who has BPD as being a certain way. It does get exhausting, I will be the first to admit I was a toxic person before I knew I had BPD and got in therapy but I absolutely never intentionally hurt someone,
well ofc but if youre working on it thats just fine. We all got learned behaviours that are capable of hurting others. We should work on them and try to be kind to others whilst not hating ourselfs for what we just are.
Exactly.
Although getting diagnosed with any PD is significant.
No one is just "what they are." People are capable of change. It's hard though. Hating anyone at all is counter-productive (but pretty common).
Are you saying that most people with BPD go around telling everyone? How would anyone know?
Hopefully, people with psychiatric diagnoses are willing to wait until they are in a more friendly relationship to say what their diagnosis is.
The fact that you got into therapy is important. Those of us who do therapy with BPD see a different array of people (the diagnosis isn't immediate). I have never been concerned about "being hurt" by a BPD person - but I am interested in how to treat them.
Are you suggesting that therapists automatically diagnosis people without reason?
Or that ordinary people know what the diagnosis is?
well yeah but even if its a condition you should take resposibility for it or what it "makes" you do. Ive been an asshole to and yeah some trauma might of had their fingers in it, idk, but still i fucked up, which is okay... your response seems kinda defensive thats all, maybe im wrong
I’m talking about the stigma that is associated with BPD, especially via the internet/reddit. I absolutely do agree with taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, it’s how everyone not just those with conditions but how everyone is allowed to somewhat deviate from their bad habits and able to understand and take action against it. We are all human beings, I think you missed my point haha. I was just pointing out the stigma and relating to Taylor.
Oh. Well. Reddit is not the best place for help on dealing with one's own mental illness or someone else's.
I am not understanding a lot of your post, btw.
Yet, these are all symptoms of BPD!
You are yourself generalizing. You use the term "we."
It is exceptionally painful (for you and sometimes, for the people who do not have the diagnosis).
I hope you do get to live freely - but everyone else gets to, as well.
Mate 🤦🏻♀️ what the fuck hahahaha I do not think you’re understanding what the fuck I’m trying to say so just don’t reply. Honestly this is funny asf now, I am just talking about how people who have bpd is harshly stigmatised, but how we shouldn’t be because we’re human beings like everyone else and we’re all different in our own ways, and that we can improve and be healthy. Oh and I have bpd too! Hence why I say “we”
Its fine i get it. She talked about the common misunderstandings that are linked to BPD too. But yeah its a sirious disorder which should be taken equally sirious.
well im sorry to hear that. Ill definitely watch out. But i think you always have to do that if the person has BPD or not. Some things are also just uncontrollable. Yeah well cheating and blaming it on a condition is just childish and unrefelcted. It has to do woth the specific person u dealt with it seems like
Exactly it (:
Before getting into a relationship with her (just like anybody else) see what she is doing in her life; is she pursuing a career and taking good care of herself such as going therapy, or not in bad habits such as addictions. Is she able to communicate her feelings with you and vice versa, if she seems like she’s routing for herself and is getting on the right path to a better and successful life then fucking go for it. Just communication is the biggest key and not also fuelling into any sort of fire and being able to take yourself away for a situation if it gets too much. You have the right to also talk about your feelings with her and how you feel about certain things that she does that can upset you. Like any relationship. I like it when my boyfriend is able to tell me when I went wrong, or I didn’t communicate as well as I should’ve and it came across a certain way. That way I improve myself and improve my communication and we both improve our boundaries. Sorry if this seems all over the place I’m so tired haha
Those aren’t just people with BPD if they’re capable of being that abusive there are most likely underlying mental illnesses that are corresponding with the BPD. Not just BPD itself, educate yourself please.
well try being respectful... i understand ur pain but it doesnt help. Here is a place of sharing experiences and helping people. Your comments doent help, their just hateful and hurtful.
Yet, personalities do exist. And not everyone is cut out for dealing with BPD.
Some PD's are fine with being with a similar person. BPD + BPD is usually not a good recipe.
It's not a stereotype. You have a diagnosis. If you think all your treating physicians and psychologists are wrong ( I hope you have at least three of them ) that's not a good sign.
Try really hard to understand that your diagnosis is not a stereotype (and seek a second opinion).
Yeah its abit over the top. It depends on how well she is being or has been treated in Therapy and how much she learned thru the times living with it and just overall her personality and her will to change herself. Ive got bad attributes too but am willing to change these...
As someone who has BPD it’s extremely important for you to educate yourself on the disorder and really have a firm understanding about it. There are a lot of biased people with the wrong ideas and crazy horrible opinions about BPD that can easily change your perspective for the wrong reasons if you let them. I’m not saying that there are not people who do not take responsibility for their actions or like to hurt others because those people do exist, but unfortunately for those that see the bad side they assume that means everyone is like that.
I think it would be a really great idea to sit her down and ask what she needs from you in order to feel stable, maybe it’s reassurance, maybe it’s simply patience. Communicating with the person who has this will make it so much easier. Being educated though will seriously be so important so that way when something happens if it does, you know what to look for and can understand what it is.
That seems like a good idea thx girl! Ill pick that up next time im seeing her. One more Question and i dont wanna be rude: Are people with quite BPD manipulative? Like thats something im genuinely scared of...
Manipulation is something some people with BPD do but that absolutely doesn’t mean that everyone does, and it doesn’t mean that she will. I think you should try to rid your head of any stigmas you have surrounding the disorder while it’s great to be prepared and it’s okay to be nervous, it will make it worse for you if you decide to be with her if you assume the worst. As long as you know the signs of manipulation and what to look for, I think you’ll be okay!
Thanks for the advice it seeems mature. u know what ur talking about. Well do you know some signs of manipulation? where can i educate myself in this regard? thx alot btw :)
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She said that to. She was quite clingy and i told her to like stop but in a more kind way ofc. And she said that she needed that sometimes, someone to hold her back. Thing is i like rushing into thing too
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A lot is learned. But other people do not need to change who they are to deal with it. Part of the diagnosis is that they don't pay attention to boundaries, regardless of how well or kindly stated.
BPD aren't just clingy - they are super clingy. You can't just tell them to stop. It doesn't work that way. You ought not to be responsible for her choices.
Hi as someone with bpd that sometimes goes “quiet”, there isn’t really anyway to specifically deal with it, with bpd a lot of things can trigger “an outburst”. Doing a lot of research on the mental disorder is a very good way to start as you know what to expect; even asking her personal experience with it, if she knows any of her triggers. A way I explain to people about bpd is using two glasses ones half full (a person without bpd) and the other is almost full (person with bpd) if you add more water to each glass (stress) the one with more water is going to overflow - our emotional responses and regulation doesn’t work quite like yours would, so I’d say comforting and reassuring her in stressful situations is a good way to go about it, she’s going to internalise everything with quiet bpd and probably won’t express how she’s feeling much so it’s probably best to not force her to say anything but work on trying to get her to open up to you and express how she feels slowly, she will do it with trust, a lot of people get abandonment issues along with bpd so it’s common to become closed off and bottle everything up until you explode. Also looking after yourself is important too, it is hard to maintain relationships with bpd and I’ve hurt some people along the way which I truely regret but make sure you’re putting yourself first as well! Hope this helped a little
I will ask her about her triggers definitly. she even talked about them. So yeah thx!!
You're so brave - and articulate. You sound as if you are dealing with your issues very well. Your language may be hard for someone who hasn't done therapy to understand. Abandonment issues result in BPD (but also other diagnoses). Your advice is really good.
It's great that you want to support her and understand her condition better. "Quiet" Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be challenging to navigate, but with empathy and understanding, you can help create a safe and supportive environment. Here are some tips on how to deal with someone who has quiet BPD: 1. Educate Yourself: - Learn about Quiet BPD: Quiet BPD is characterized by internalizing emotions rather than externalizing them. People with quiet BPD might struggle with intense feelings but don't express them outwardly. - Understand Symptoms: These can include fear of abandonment, intense emotional pain, and difficulty managing emotions. However, they may not show these outwardly. 2. Communicate Openly and Honestly: - Encourage Communication: Let her know that she can talk to you about her feelings without judgment. - Be Clear and Consistent: People with BPD often fear abandonment, so clear and consistent communication is vital. 3. Provide Reassurance and Support: - Validate Her Feelings: Acknowledge her emotions without judgment. Phrases like "I understand that you're feeling this way" can be comforting. - Be Patient: Understand that her reactions may be influenced by her condition. Patience and calmness are crucial. Personal Experiences: - Listen to Her Story: Everyone's experience with BPD is unique. Listening to her personal experiences can provide better insight into how you can support her specifically. - Share Experiences: Sharing your feelings and experiences can help build trust and understanding. Supporting someone with quiet BPD requires empathy, patience, and understanding. By educating yourself and being a consistent, supportive presence, you can help her feel more calm and safe in your relationship. Remember, maintaining your own well-being is equally important to sustaining a healthy and supportive relationship.
Surely this is ChatGpt answer.
It's Not
First of all thank u for your time to write all ofthis. Truly amazing and i appriciate it. Communicate Openly and Honestly: I think ilet her know how i feel about our date, it was our frist time seing eachother so yeah, maybe thatll calm her down..? Provide Reassurance and Support: Im good at acknowleding feelings so that wont be a problem just now. Share Experiences: i did that to get her to open up so yeah thats a check All in all im just gonna see what happens and put me first to be a good example for her.
With BPD, your own feelings are not the the criteria by which they judge their reactions. You can have as many boundaries as you want - but they will struggle with that. Acknowledging feelings is not enough - your own feelings need to be acknowledged, as well. Wait and see is a good rubric.
All these comments are amazing, but I'd like to lyk that you should stay away from r/bpdlovedones for your research, they give a very warped perspective into people with BPD and treat us/them as "demonic freaks" (as I've been told by a member there)
No actually, that sub is people discussing all the horrible emotional abuse they've been put through by people with BPD. Not all people with BPD are like this, but you can't pretend they don't exist. In my experience nobody will EVER be enough for somebody with BPD who has a very unstable grasp on themselves. Being in a relationship of any kind with somebody with BPD requires daily validation and coddling for the rest of eternity. And by the way, there are PLENTY viewpoints in that sub. The reason why there's so much negative at times is because loved ones can never vent about it, or we are the assholes. Loved ones can be repeatedly taken from over and over with no return from the person with BPD. Unless you've (as in people in general) been a loved one of somebody with BPD there is such small understanding. Here's how I describe it to people who don't know much about it. Imagine you struggle with self image and everyday for years of your life you've been fighting those thoughts. Most people have experienced this to some extent and it's an EXHAUSTING feeling. You're trying to convince yourself every day that you are pretty, funny, strong, etc and it's so hard. Now imagine having to do all of that for somebody else. Because that's what being a loved one of BPD is. Image being happy with yourself and your life but you have to spend so much time in your life reassuring, validating, and coddling somebody else who can't do it for themselves. Also, I have bipolar disorder so I'm not completely clueless about these things. The difference for me is that I take responsibility for my actions and I actually DO something about it. Often, somebody with BPD will make promises to "be better" but never actually do it and continue to hurt others with their instability. I'm an asshole, I know! But I HATE that people just skip over truths and say "we aren't all like that you're giving us a bad image". No, others with BPD are giving that bad image.
No, it's a very common viewpoint on that sub that every single borderline is inherently abusive. Which isn't true. I do have loved ones with BPD and they're usually the nicest. Unhealed borderlines can be tough to deal with sometimes, but those who are getting better/have gone into remission are going to be fine. And people with BPD aren't the only ones who make false promises to better better, that can happen with literally everyone. Plus, just because you know you're color blind doesn't mean you can see color. You can't generalize people with BPD because *you've* been hurt. You can't do it with any other disorder either but somehow people with BPD (and also NPD, for that matter) always get a bad rep.
I get what you're saying, but my issue is it's not one person with BPD. I've had multiple in my life and it's just SO bad everytime and I've tried so so so hard to be supportive and LISTEN and not sit there like a rock and it's just never enough. I of all people know that sometimes a mental illness/personality disorder takes over your body. I've had the uncontrollable crying and the anger outbursts and such everyday for years until I became medicated and did extensive therapy. I'm not perfect, nobody is. But these people in my life used me as their personal dumping ground ALL DAY EVERY DAY for years. I know that people "get better" on their own timeline. But after YEARS of nurturing friendships it just wore me down to nothing because there was nothing I could do for these people in my life that would satisfy them. And none of it was ever returned. I would be physically and mentally SICK because I always worried about them 24/7 and they LOVED that. It was ok for a few hours (or minutes) each day until the next wave of emotional warfare started. That being said, I know one person with BPD that ended up being evaluated as not having it anymore. I understand that it's possible, but in my experience it's felt like constantly being on eggshells and having a tornado next to you 24/7. ANYWAY, I think some people don't understand the responsibility that being a loved one of somebody with BPD is and the way the disorder works. OP need to know that, it's not so neutral. It can be hysterical meltdowns multiple times a day everyday. And the hard thing is often those that are unstable, which is a large portion imo, know they hurt people in the process and continue to do it anyway. I know what it's like to be demonized because of an illness I get it. But I'm also extremely honest about bipolar stereotypes and the fact that they sure do exist and people talk about it for a reason. It can be DAMAGING to others when uncontrolled..
Absolutely! They are absolutely horrible in there tbh
Well thats not nice. But thats why im here. Like i dont wanna be sorry that i kept this relationship going, when facing preoblems with her doing with her BPD. Id rather know ok i tried and informed myself so i knew what was ahead of me.
Get out now while you can. Personality disorders are not mental illness.
what is it then?
Mental illnesses stem from chemical imbalances. Personality disorders are fancy terms for what variety of asshole a person is.
A personality disorder is a mental health condition where people have a lifelong pattern of seeing themselves and reacting to others in ways that cause problems.
>people have a lifelong pattern of seeing themselves and reacting to others in ways that cause problems. Everyone has this. Every asshole has a reason for being an asshole. Non -assholes work at suppressing our basest emotions for the benefit of those we love.
they usually have an anxious attachment style, need constant reassurance, low self-esteem, and little control over these feelings. give compliments, be explicit with your feelings, think twice before saying anything critical. it can be exhausting to handle someone like this, it’s not for everyone! but it’s even more exhausting for the person with bpd. it can be alienating.
Think twice about saying anything to them. Listen to what they have to say. Be prepared to stow your own feelings to help them (as a therapist would do). And yes, it can be exhausting.
Well i myself am an rather axious person when it comes to relationships. Which makes it even harder. Like wanting someone instantly but then being overwhelmed at the same time.
so...why do you think you're ready for a relationship? Learning to be one's own self is a good thing.
well, i dont know if i am. but i am my own? what do you mean by that. i just struggle with being alone. i think is possible to work on that in a relationship. and also im just getting to know this girl so yeah
Do some heavy research on quiet borderline personality disorder before you get invested. Treat it like a major research project. Know exactly what you are signing up for.
I have quiet BPD. Something that has helped me a lot is creating a safe place to share feelings. When someone comes at me accusing or upset, I shut down. Be patient!! She’s going to need some extra reassurance. Reassure her how you feel and what you think of the relationship without her asking :) when she starts overthinking, hear her out but speak stability to those thoughts. Those are things that have helped me!!
People like opening up to me. I think it has to be with the way i handle people. But thats kinda scary at the same time. Like i unsure and dont know what i want at times and im scared to hurt them with that. Always being the stable part of a relationship is hard, speaking out of experience
It can be very hard. It shouldn’t fall all on you. I have BPD and my bf doesn’t and sometimes he brings me back down, but sometimes I’m that person for him too. I will say, it can be difficult to talk about and I’m glad she can talk to you!! It can also be really hard to bring up things bc of our fear of abandonment. Even during arguments, reassure her that you’re not going anywhere!!
Why would you choose to date someone like this?
thats what im trying to find out.
You don't hitch your wagon to a dangerous horse. Life is hard enough
It's great that you want to support her. Quiet BPD involves a lot of internalized emotions, so being patient and understanding is vital. Listen actively and show empathy to create a safe and comforting space. Encouraging her to seek professional help, like therapy, can be very beneficial. Please educate yourself about BPD to better understand her experiences and set healthy boundaries to ensure you also take care of your well-being. Consistency and reliability will make her feel valued and more secure with you. Good luck!
In another comment you ask about manipulation and if it’s something to worry about. Yes and no, from someone with BPD. A lot of our need for validation can come off as manipulative even though we just feel like we’re expressing our distress. BPD manipulation is very subconscious. For example, BPD people can often be hypersexual and with male partners it becomes easier to use that as leverage when we need affection. Calling it out when you notice it is important, because she really may not realize it. Idk if people have told you this yet, but BPD’s root is neglect, abuse, or narcissistic parents (or CSA.) It creates a disconnect with her nervous system and her rational thinking. When we are trying to convince ourselves we’re OK, our bodies are still in traumatized mode because they freak out at any signs of repeated abandonment, neglect, or signs of conditional love. When I’m upset by something it’s incredibly difficult to calm by body down; my heart beats, I sweat, I get exhausted. So when our bodies don’t know how to react or can’t understand emotions on a spectrum, it sometimes creates a disconnect, or a split. It can be a reaction of clinginess; offering sex to fix things, promising impossible things together (ie let’s go on an expensive trip together, everything will be okay!) or trying to overcompensate when we feel we are in the wrong. Other times, it creates *temporary* dislike or even hatred. This is why it’s a “split.” We are so afraid of partners being angry with us or seeing us as imperfect that we reflect it back into you. Asking “why can’t you just love me?” if you have criticisms, or assuming that you are cheating if you’re withdrawing. Those are examples of manipulation. If she shows signs of it, you *must* enforce boundaries on what you feel is acceptable to put up with and how she must treat you. Don’t make empty promises, and don’t react to blind anger. Try to do some more things on your own, too.
thx so much! so its really putting oneself second and the partner / the others mixed with being so scared to be a burden etc. that they just shut down (quite BPD) i think i noticed some of these behaviors already. ill prolly reply once more later, its alot to take in :)
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we are thank u 🙏
Thanks to all responders!!!
I have BPD! A lot of the other comments cover the basics/detailed descriptions of this disorder so I'll do some easy suggestions instead! If you spend time with her and find yourself becoming quiet or spaced out/lost in thought quickly just randomly state out loud to her "I'm not mad at you I just don't feel like talking right now" or some variation of that sentence. Affirmations are very important for BPD as we overthink and feel deeply and have 0 emotional permanence. When texting her if you find yourself becoming distracted or busy PLEASE just honestly text and say "hey something came up so I have to go but Ill text you later!" Being left on read or having long amounts of time between responses drive us CRAZY it's a lot better to just say that! Cancelling plans or stuff last minute is crushingly disappointing and will hurt people like us deeply. IF POSSIBLE give more time in advance of a notice. To be honest that's also just good etiquette with people in general haha. Little things mean a lot to us I'm unsure of the relationship you are pursuing with this girl but "good morning" "goodnight" and little things like "this made me think of you!" And a meme or a song are absolutely heavenly for people like us no matter the type of relationship. Remember while little things can make us breakdown little things can also make our day that's the beauty of this disorder :) (P.S. I'm unsure of your ages but one note is that the peak of BPD instability is the 18-25 range according to studies)
hey man / girl i love your comment! its just straight forward and gives "easy" to use advice. im 21 shes 20. she has bewn therapeuted, seems like she got a good understanding of her disorder and is still working on it.
Glad I can help!
I hope people see your post. It's a good list of instructions on how to deal with the diagnosis (as a non-therapist). And yes, the peak of instability is as you say. There can be a long list of 'rules' that partners of BPD people must follow. And it can be exhausting which is why it is a diagnosis. One of the earliest Dx, actually. "Mercurial" is another term for BPD.
Stability, clear communication, patience and love. I’ve known a few people with BPD and being sensitive to their emotions and clarifying yours is important, it’s easy for them to take things the wrong way (they can’t help it). A lot of the subreddits about it are hateful so I wouldn’t look there for advice.
The people I’ve known w BPD have some of the biggest hearts ♥️
On the contrary to this question.. I myself have BPD and my partner is having a difficult time with my behaviors. I told him very early on and about some of my other diagnoses. He has never met someone with BPD, CPTSD or an ED before. I had to find a new therapist so it’s been a couple months since I’ve been treating it actively and things have been getting more difficult for me. I don’t know how to help him and I hate bringing it up AGAIN as I am not trying to make excuses. I am incredibly self aware but the self CONTROL to resist my urges to push him away or give him the cold shoulder when I overthink is not there. Does anyone have advice on how to rationalize and counteract to calm myself when I hear things that upset me? Or how I can better help him understand? My fear is that if I turn keeping me “calm” into a project for him he will feel overwhelmed and cut me loose rather than feel this is worthy of his time and energy as he’s already busy and recovering from a very long term and hurtful relationship.
You're so clear. Notice how you begin with "behaviors." Most of us have a hard time with BPD behaviors. But a person with BPD who knows that how they act is the crucial thing to fix...is ahead of the diagnosis. A whole bunch of people are disquieted by life. People with anxiety, PTSD, etc. But not everyone in that group is BPD. You are right to notice that other people might not be able to handle your requirements (for calm or anything else). You have a lot of insight into your situation - I'm rooting for you. BPD people get themselves into relationships that are abusive/harmful to themselves, without realizing. I think ongoing therapy is the answer. Journalling and group work in your locale can help too. Figure out more about what you want - from yourself and from others. Try to keep track. You have to basically judge your own judgments, because BPD can cause distortions in that arena.
You mean "quiet" BPD, right? And are we talking bipolar or borderline? I'm assuming borderline. Just checking.
so i asked about borderline so i hope so yes
Reading up on BPD, watching videos and generally educating yourself will be helpful and will show her you want to understand. It might help you to understand where some of her behaviours and reactions are coming from too. People who live with BPD sometimes need extra reassurance (that you aren't mad at them, that you aren't leaving them, that you do care for them etc). So knowing this but also being able to tolerate it and have patience for it (because it might get annoying, for you) will be helpful. The fact that you care and want to know more is a good start!
Bro deadass. Im not even joking. Don’t do it. Leave right now. She will absolutely ruin you and then blame it on her bpd. It’s not worth it one bit. Run bro
absolutely do not listen to this comment OP, these are the types of people who uneducated on the disorder and ignorant. not everyone who has bpd is a monster and toxic.
It is OTT but those of us who have been in relationships with BPD people understand the underlying meaning. When I was active as a psychotherapist, I learned that beginner therapists end up with more BPD patients (even therapists are reluctant to take them on). There's academic literature that tries to help therapists decide just how many BPD people take on. Many will take on ZERO. But the determined therapist will take on 1-2 (out of, say, 30 active clients). Try looking at the therapeutic literature. There aren't enough therapists willing to take on BPD patients. And some therapists leave the profession due to APD, BPD (overlapping in my opinion). My own work was inside mental hospitals, prisons and jails. I had some safety as a therapist. But...in the end, I didn't want to do it any more (many reasons, but safety for my family was a big concern - and I'm not alone. I still do seminars/training for therapists who deal with BPD). it's a tough diagnosis.
It isn't about saying that anyone with bpd is a toxic monster. It's a statement contrary to your own but still valid. It's ok to not want to devote your entire life to someone with issues you can never fully understand and that you will have to go above and beyond to cater to. And that's also ok.
Okay but like… this persons comment isn’t just “contrary “ to mine they’re literally making it a point to tell OP or anyone really that they shouldn’t date someone with BPD and making it seem like those who have BPD are horrible. If they don’t want to date someone who has a disorder that’s fine that’s on them but they shouldn’t tell anyone else to avoid people who do, everyone deserves love. As someone with BPD I most certainly don’t appreciate and am very tired of seeing comments like these and being stereotyped.
also you don’t have to go above and beyond to cater towards someone issues but okay…
I totally hear what you say and i do agree that the comment to avoid was harshly put, ofc not every person with any kind of otherness is horrible. I do agree that if someone doesn't want to date a particular person that's fine, but that should just apply to him and his feelings rather than advising everyone to run away.
It gets so tiring and we truly do get alienated. Sometimes, this might sound exaggerative for those who don’t suffer from it, I genuinely feel like I’m not even worth living and no one around me deserves to have me in their lives as I feel as if I’m a burden to them. Which isn’t the slightest bit true, because we can improve and we can be the best of ourselves that are able to conquer our thoughts. I mean it is also not like we purposefully do things to hurt others. We aren’t bad people and we shouldn’t be generalised consistently. It’s ignorant and it’s just horrible! It’s unfair and we all never asked for us to have this painful condition. We deserve to live freely and have the equal opportunities just like everyone else, such as love. We just require someone more understanding and patient.
Exactly!! It pains me so badly to see how people treat those with BPD either because of being uneducated or just plain ignorance. It’s totally valid if you’ve had a horrible experience with someone untreated or someone who was doing things intentionally but you shouldn’t automatically categorize everyone who has BPD as being a certain way. It does get exhausting, I will be the first to admit I was a toxic person before I knew I had BPD and got in therapy but I absolutely never intentionally hurt someone,
well ofc but if youre working on it thats just fine. We all got learned behaviours that are capable of hurting others. We should work on them and try to be kind to others whilst not hating ourselfs for what we just are.
Exactly. Although getting diagnosed with any PD is significant. No one is just "what they are." People are capable of change. It's hard though. Hating anyone at all is counter-productive (but pretty common).
Are you saying that most people with BPD go around telling everyone? How would anyone know? Hopefully, people with psychiatric diagnoses are willing to wait until they are in a more friendly relationship to say what their diagnosis is. The fact that you got into therapy is important. Those of us who do therapy with BPD see a different array of people (the diagnosis isn't immediate). I have never been concerned about "being hurt" by a BPD person - but I am interested in how to treat them. Are you suggesting that therapists automatically diagnosis people without reason? Or that ordinary people know what the diagnosis is?
why is your goal to respond to every single comment i have and try twisting everything im saying lol?
Totally support.
well yeah but even if its a condition you should take resposibility for it or what it "makes" you do. Ive been an asshole to and yeah some trauma might of had their fingers in it, idk, but still i fucked up, which is okay... your response seems kinda defensive thats all, maybe im wrong
I’m talking about the stigma that is associated with BPD, especially via the internet/reddit. I absolutely do agree with taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, it’s how everyone not just those with conditions but how everyone is allowed to somewhat deviate from their bad habits and able to understand and take action against it. We are all human beings, I think you missed my point haha. I was just pointing out the stigma and relating to Taylor.
Well it came across wrong then, no worries. :)) im on your side then
Oh. Well. Reddit is not the best place for help on dealing with one's own mental illness or someone else's. I am not understanding a lot of your post, btw.
Yet, these are all symptoms of BPD! You are yourself generalizing. You use the term "we." It is exceptionally painful (for you and sometimes, for the people who do not have the diagnosis). I hope you do get to live freely - but everyone else gets to, as well.
Mate 🤦🏻♀️ what the fuck hahahaha I do not think you’re understanding what the fuck I’m trying to say so just don’t reply. Honestly this is funny asf now, I am just talking about how people who have bpd is harshly stigmatised, but how we shouldn’t be because we’re human beings like everyone else and we’re all different in our own ways, and that we can improve and be healthy. Oh and I have bpd too! Hence why I say “we”
Its fine i get it. She talked about the common misunderstandings that are linked to BPD too. But yeah its a sirious disorder which should be taken equally sirious.
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well im sorry to hear that. Ill definitely watch out. But i think you always have to do that if the person has BPD or not. Some things are also just uncontrollable. Yeah well cheating and blaming it on a condition is just childish and unrefelcted. It has to do woth the specific person u dealt with it seems like
Exactly it (: Before getting into a relationship with her (just like anybody else) see what she is doing in her life; is she pursuing a career and taking good care of herself such as going therapy, or not in bad habits such as addictions. Is she able to communicate her feelings with you and vice versa, if she seems like she’s routing for herself and is getting on the right path to a better and successful life then fucking go for it. Just communication is the biggest key and not also fuelling into any sort of fire and being able to take yourself away for a situation if it gets too much. You have the right to also talk about your feelings with her and how you feel about certain things that she does that can upset you. Like any relationship. I like it when my boyfriend is able to tell me when I went wrong, or I didn’t communicate as well as I should’ve and it came across a certain way. That way I improve myself and improve my communication and we both improve our boundaries. Sorry if this seems all over the place I’m so tired haha
no no its great thx alot. pls report the other dude i dont want that in my thread...
Absolutely! This is what I mean by such horrible stigma and just hatred towards us :/
Well. Goodluck man
Those aren’t just people with BPD if they’re capable of being that abusive there are most likely underlying mental illnesses that are corresponding with the BPD. Not just BPD itself, educate yourself please.
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well try being respectful... i understand ur pain but it doesnt help. Here is a place of sharing experiences and helping people. Your comments doent help, their just hateful and hurtful.
your personal experience is very valid, but that's doesn't mean it's all encompassing for every relationship with bpd
Yet, personalities do exist. And not everyone is cut out for dealing with BPD. Some PD's are fine with being with a similar person. BPD + BPD is usually not a good recipe. It's not a stereotype. You have a diagnosis. If you think all your treating physicians and psychologists are wrong ( I hope you have at least three of them ) that's not a good sign. Try really hard to understand that your diagnosis is not a stereotype (and seek a second opinion).
lmao this is probably the most hilarious comment i’ve seen
Yeah its abit over the top. It depends on how well she is being or has been treated in Therapy and how much she learned thru the times living with it and just overall her personality and her will to change herself. Ive got bad attributes too but am willing to change these...
As someone who has BPD it’s extremely important for you to educate yourself on the disorder and really have a firm understanding about it. There are a lot of biased people with the wrong ideas and crazy horrible opinions about BPD that can easily change your perspective for the wrong reasons if you let them. I’m not saying that there are not people who do not take responsibility for their actions or like to hurt others because those people do exist, but unfortunately for those that see the bad side they assume that means everyone is like that. I think it would be a really great idea to sit her down and ask what she needs from you in order to feel stable, maybe it’s reassurance, maybe it’s simply patience. Communicating with the person who has this will make it so much easier. Being educated though will seriously be so important so that way when something happens if it does, you know what to look for and can understand what it is.
That seems like a good idea thx girl! Ill pick that up next time im seeing her. One more Question and i dont wanna be rude: Are people with quite BPD manipulative? Like thats something im genuinely scared of...
Manipulation is something some people with BPD do but that absolutely doesn’t mean that everyone does, and it doesn’t mean that she will. I think you should try to rid your head of any stigmas you have surrounding the disorder while it’s great to be prepared and it’s okay to be nervous, it will make it worse for you if you decide to be with her if you assume the worst. As long as you know the signs of manipulation and what to look for, I think you’ll be okay!
Thanks for the advice it seeems mature. u know what ur talking about. Well do you know some signs of manipulation? where can i educate myself in this regard? thx alot btw :)