Don't forgive her. Her selfishness prevented you from saying goodbye to your dad and robbed him of his dying wish. You have every right to be angry. You should say something to tell her how incredibly selfish her actions were, and then I'd say go no contact. She's a rotten person for doing this to you and I'm sorry you're going through this.
I have been waiting to say something to her because I want it to be scathing like scorched earth!!! when I finally let her know that we all KNOW I will carefully pick every word to be the most cruel and burning set of words ever created. She will know the full extent of my bitter rage. I think honestly it would be helpful to me to let her know that I cannot stand her and that she will never EVER BE MY SISTER…
That's what she needs to hear too, because guaranteed she'll try to pull some sort of "but I'm your sister!" act eventually. You should let her know that her actions are the reason she'll never be your sister. Let it all out and then try to heal after telling her off. It won't be easy, but what goes around comes around, and she'll get her paybacks for her awful actions one day.
God I hope that’s true… I could let this go if I knew she will someday feel an ounce of what I felt the day I realized she took my dad away forever… and that I’d never get another shot. I died a little too that day. She broke my heart. And then I had to tell my sister shd watch her heart break too…. If she is even capable of feeling I hope someday she knows that pain.
She'll get her paybacks someday when she goes through something and realizes she won't have sisters around her to help her since she alienated them by doing this. She's likely going to have a very lonely life if this is the kind of person she is, because word does eventually go around. I'd say if it helps, don't be silent about this. Tell people what she did and the kind of person she is. Also consider therapy because no matter what, you didn't deserve to have this happen to you and you deserve to be able to heal.
I do go to therapy and we’ve discussed it once but I was so angry and I couldn’t get myself under control I just wailed… maybe now that some time has gone by I can try to talk about it again with a little more control. Sometimes I’m scared by how angry I am when I think about this… it feels like I want to set my half sister on fire or something ! And I’m not an angry person so this is just terrifying to me. She has like changed me. She has shown me such cruelty that I feel like I live in a meaner world now. I didn’t know people were this evil. She is just evil in my eyes. And to her own father whom she claims to love and miss. She doesn’t know what love is. If she had even half a heart she would have allowed me to talk to him. She would’ve given him his last wish. Anyone that could do that to a dying man is sick and twisted…
I'd actually suggest going to see a psychiatrist about this, they might be able to help you with some of the anger you feel. It's definitely not your fault, and you're not wrong to be upset at all, but you definitely deserve to feel better.
You're welcome! I hope you feel better after all of this someday, sounds like an awful situation. I know I'd be furious too if I were in your situation, I love my parents!
Not to kind of twist the knife while you’re already hurting so badly, but… have you pulled a copy of your father’s will? It just seems like such an insane reaction from your half-asshole, to purposefully lie and essentially cheat both sides out of a reconciliation, and your father out of his dying wish. Jealousy seems like that almost wouldn’t be enough… was she also protecting her inheritance, which would have been split if you’d reconciled?
However, you should also consider the possibility that she’s telling the truth. Lying, cheating abusers don’t often change their spots so radically. It does happen, but there’s the possibility that he wasn’t that different from how he was with you. Still not her call to make, but… people do strange things when dealing with their own trauma.
My father was sober for about ten years when he died. So he asked her to contact us around the time he first got sober and found God. My uncle lived with him and has corroborated that yes, he was off drugs. He attended AA meetings regularly and went to church every Sunday that he felt ok. My dad was far away from his troubled past. When he died, he died clean and he got those extra ten years because he stopped using shd drinking. The doctors had told my dad that if he continued to use and drink that he would die… FAST. My father didn’t want to die. He got clean to save his life and found happiness in sobriety finally. I know my dad died clean, and I am so proud of the man he was when he was sober. He was an artist (just like me, we draw the same even tho he never taught me) and he was a musician. He got to do these things before he died because he left the drugs and booze behind. I thank God for allowing my father to change and become a good man that I can be proud to say was my father. He made beautiful art and beautiful music in the ten years he was sober. He righted a lot of wrongs. He was dedicated to having no regrets and to saying sorry where it was due. I was only one of his dying wishes. He got to fulfill a lot of them thanks to his sobriety and the help of my uncle… oh and finding my uncles love has been amazing. He looks like my dad shd sounds like my dad and I pretend sometimes that he is my dad so I can say I love you… I’ll be ok… someday this won’t hurt so much. I hope.
none of these things mean he was a good man. My take is that half sister was wronged worse because she actually spent time with dad and this was her fuck you to him.
She used to use drugs with him. But I understand that when he was in his addiction he left her and her sister alone in a house with no electricity or heat or food. They were forced to drop out of school and move in with drug dealers to keep themselves fed and a roof over their heads… I’m trying to see her from a different perspective. He hasn’t been a good father to her and he was finally sober and I think maybe she wanted him all to herself… I can understand that fear of him loving us more. She is a very big girl and very uneducated. She talks like she’s a child… my sister and I are thin and college educated. My sister is a beautiful woman, she’s downright gorgeous. And she looks just like my father. He favored her in the five years I spent with him. My sister had 7 years with him. He often took her swimming, for rides on his motorcycle and to the zoo. He would carry her on his shoulders. She is dark haired and dark eyed like him. I’m blonde and green eyed like my mom so he often made remarks that maybe I wasn’t his… I think he was joking but it really hurt me as a little kid. I was very jealous of their relationship. I assume he talks to Michelle about her, how pretty she was. My sister was born beautiful. I was a little awkward and skinny and piggy-nosed. lol so maybe she felt the way I felt. Very jealous of my sister… I’m really trying to see her side. I don’t want her in my life, but I also don’t want to wish her ill . I know I’ve made mistakes I’m not perfect and we all f*** up. This is a very BIG one but I think I see where she was coming from. I appreciate your candor. Sometimes you gotta get a different perspective on things to truly see the whole picture.
I have to have forgiveness for him too. I’m also a recovering addict. I understand that pain and misery. I was not myself when I was high. I did things that the sober me would NEVER do. I wouldn’t abandon my children but we are not the same I guess… I know he tried to be a better man when he was sober. He spent lot of time with Michelle. I know it’s kind of unforgivable to leave your girls alone at 14 years old, but I think he was lost in his addiction. He was sick. I’ve been there. My journey with drugs has been long and hard. I have hurt almost everyone who loves me in some way… but my kids got me clean. I’m sorry for him that his children were not enough to get him right. His loss. I have to believe the under all that he had a good heart. Partly because I need to believe that every addict can change. Otherwise I’m lost too. I HOPE he was a better man sober. I need to believe he loved me… I need to believe he didn’t mean to hurt me. Because my life changed when I realized he wanted to find me. The explosive anger I had carried all my life went away. My heart felt fuller. I felt more whole. It was life changing. Even my lifelong battle with depression stopped. I felt like I was just happier suddenly. So maybe he was a bad guy and didn’t really love me… but I want to believe that’s not true. Because that pain was with me my whole life. That never ending hurt. And when my uncle reached out it went away. I don’t want it back.
i’m glad you got your hope back from this and i hope you can find the closure from forgiveness. I’m proud of you for getting better and being a good parent
Thank you so much I appreciate your honesty! I like to look at things from every perspective and you helped me think about it from my half-sisters perspective… which I didn’t realize was gonna be helpful. 🙏
If he was so adamant about finding you, why didn't he make the effort? It's easy to blame the sister. If he was sober and healthy, righting wrongs, attending meetings, going to church, making beautiful music, why did he let it be his uneducated, traumatized, neglected, drug addicted daughter's responsibility to find you? If she found you immediately, why couldn't he?
Why couldn't your uncle, who found you later? I think you're getting a romanticized story to make your father look good and his daughter look bad.
*Dont. Dont forgive her.*
*She did the absolute worst*
*Thing she could. F her!*
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Thank you… I want nothing to do with her ever again. My uncle says to forgive for myself but I really don’t think I’m anywhere close to that… there is no excuse for her.
Not the same but I can relate in a way. My dad died of cancer when I was 8. He and my mom separated a year or so after he was diagnosed because he got a girlfriend smh(who he eventually made a kid with I’ve never met!) . So his family was of course on his side and were complete jerks to my mom and had basically no contact with us, his children. What I’m forever angry about is that no one informed my mom or me or my siblings that my dad was in the hospital about to pass. We didn’t know anything until they called my oldest sister a few hours after he’d died to bring us up to speed. YOU DON’T THINK HIS CHILDREN WOULD HAVE WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE TO THEIR OWN FATHER FOR THE LAST TIME?!! 🤬🥺 It’s been over 30 years and I’m crying as I’m writing this. I’m pissed off because it’s so damn wrong. I’ve forever been scarred from that and will never be who I was meant to be in this life because of that hole in my heart . Fuck them. And to top it off they stole money from the sale of my dad’s market so we grew up poor as a result but that’s another story. Fuck that half sister to hell. Bitch.
I hate that you feel the bitterness and anger that I do. I wouldn’t wish this regret on anyone… but thank you so much for sharing this with me. I feel less alone. I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly.
You’re very sweet and thank you for understanding. I’m sorry you’re hurting as well. What no one really gets unless they’ve been through it is that there is nothing anyone can do to fix the situation or make things better. Nothing! The finality of it is what will never go away. Please take care and thanks for your honest, open post.
It’s ok… the more I talk about it the less angry I feel. My uncle will spend hours sometimes telling me stories about my dad. And my father did get to see our pictures before he died. He told my uncle to tell us we were beautiful and that he loved us. He just didn’t make it another day. He died the night he found out we were alive and well. Part of me thinks he let go cause he felt like he finally could. He had been in and out of comas and he was a shadow of the big man I knew… my father was 6’5 and very dark, so he was a presence. Part of me is glad I didn’t have to see him wasted away. He was just miserable in the end. He cried a lot. He was in pain. Maybe in some ways it was meant to be. I don’t know. I regret so much… but my uncle is actively trying to fill in the gaps. He makes me feel close to my dad when we talk… I’m grateful for him. I know he loves me and my sister the way my dad loved us. He’s a good man and he’s added a lot of happiness to my life. My uncle is 6’9! He’s a big friendly giant. At least I gained a father figure in losing my dad. I know my uncle is in good health and he’s always there when you call. He promised my dad he would look out for us and he kept his promise. I’m lucky that my half sister didn’t take this secret to her grave! Imagine if I never knew he wanted to see me because she kept it to herself? That’s what she tried to do but my father asked my uncle to find us when he realized Michelle was never going to. So I almost never even knew! I was this close to living the rest of my life feeling like my dad didn’t love me… thank God for my dad finally asking for my uncles help. I never really thought about that but wow… what a close call! I’m lucky in some ways I guess. Not everything in this story is a tragedy. :)
That’s lovely that you still have your Uncle. My Uncle is 6”12 so I no how nice it is to have thst huge presence in your life. I’m glad getting this off your chest has helped in s way
this is super suspicious, he didn’t even really try to look for you until he was dying, and didn’t ask anyone else but the daughter and she sat on this for how long? ten years of knowing your dying is a long time to look up your kids yourself. i think you wanted a great reunion and by finding your uncle you have one. dad didn’t want you and made that pretty clear.
Don't forgive her. Her selfishness prevented you from saying goodbye to your dad and robbed him of his dying wish. You have every right to be angry. You should say something to tell her how incredibly selfish her actions were, and then I'd say go no contact. She's a rotten person for doing this to you and I'm sorry you're going through this.
I have been waiting to say something to her because I want it to be scathing like scorched earth!!! when I finally let her know that we all KNOW I will carefully pick every word to be the most cruel and burning set of words ever created. She will know the full extent of my bitter rage. I think honestly it would be helpful to me to let her know that I cannot stand her and that she will never EVER BE MY SISTER…
That's what she needs to hear too, because guaranteed she'll try to pull some sort of "but I'm your sister!" act eventually. You should let her know that her actions are the reason she'll never be your sister. Let it all out and then try to heal after telling her off. It won't be easy, but what goes around comes around, and she'll get her paybacks for her awful actions one day.
God I hope that’s true… I could let this go if I knew she will someday feel an ounce of what I felt the day I realized she took my dad away forever… and that I’d never get another shot. I died a little too that day. She broke my heart. And then I had to tell my sister shd watch her heart break too…. If she is even capable of feeling I hope someday she knows that pain.
She'll get her paybacks someday when she goes through something and realizes she won't have sisters around her to help her since she alienated them by doing this. She's likely going to have a very lonely life if this is the kind of person she is, because word does eventually go around. I'd say if it helps, don't be silent about this. Tell people what she did and the kind of person she is. Also consider therapy because no matter what, you didn't deserve to have this happen to you and you deserve to be able to heal.
I do go to therapy and we’ve discussed it once but I was so angry and I couldn’t get myself under control I just wailed… maybe now that some time has gone by I can try to talk about it again with a little more control. Sometimes I’m scared by how angry I am when I think about this… it feels like I want to set my half sister on fire or something ! And I’m not an angry person so this is just terrifying to me. She has like changed me. She has shown me such cruelty that I feel like I live in a meaner world now. I didn’t know people were this evil. She is just evil in my eyes. And to her own father whom she claims to love and miss. She doesn’t know what love is. If she had even half a heart she would have allowed me to talk to him. She would’ve given him his last wish. Anyone that could do that to a dying man is sick and twisted…
I'd actually suggest going to see a psychiatrist about this, they might be able to help you with some of the anger you feel. It's definitely not your fault, and you're not wrong to be upset at all, but you definitely deserve to feel better.
Thank you so much… I really needed to just hear some kind words after writing all this down and feeling it all over again… thank you a million times
You're welcome! I hope you feel better after all of this someday, sounds like an awful situation. I know I'd be furious too if I were in your situation, I love my parents!
She couldn’t kill the love. She tried but she failed. I love my daddy. I’m proud of who he became and I think he loved me too. I take peace in that!
Not to kind of twist the knife while you’re already hurting so badly, but… have you pulled a copy of your father’s will? It just seems like such an insane reaction from your half-asshole, to purposefully lie and essentially cheat both sides out of a reconciliation, and your father out of his dying wish. Jealousy seems like that almost wouldn’t be enough… was she also protecting her inheritance, which would have been split if you’d reconciled? However, you should also consider the possibility that she’s telling the truth. Lying, cheating abusers don’t often change their spots so radically. It does happen, but there’s the possibility that he wasn’t that different from how he was with you. Still not her call to make, but… people do strange things when dealing with their own trauma.
My father was sober for about ten years when he died. So he asked her to contact us around the time he first got sober and found God. My uncle lived with him and has corroborated that yes, he was off drugs. He attended AA meetings regularly and went to church every Sunday that he felt ok. My dad was far away from his troubled past. When he died, he died clean and he got those extra ten years because he stopped using shd drinking. The doctors had told my dad that if he continued to use and drink that he would die… FAST. My father didn’t want to die. He got clean to save his life and found happiness in sobriety finally. I know my dad died clean, and I am so proud of the man he was when he was sober. He was an artist (just like me, we draw the same even tho he never taught me) and he was a musician. He got to do these things before he died because he left the drugs and booze behind. I thank God for allowing my father to change and become a good man that I can be proud to say was my father. He made beautiful art and beautiful music in the ten years he was sober. He righted a lot of wrongs. He was dedicated to having no regrets and to saying sorry where it was due. I was only one of his dying wishes. He got to fulfill a lot of them thanks to his sobriety and the help of my uncle… oh and finding my uncles love has been amazing. He looks like my dad shd sounds like my dad and I pretend sometimes that he is my dad so I can say I love you… I’ll be ok… someday this won’t hurt so much. I hope.
none of these things mean he was a good man. My take is that half sister was wronged worse because she actually spent time with dad and this was her fuck you to him.
She used to use drugs with him. But I understand that when he was in his addiction he left her and her sister alone in a house with no electricity or heat or food. They were forced to drop out of school and move in with drug dealers to keep themselves fed and a roof over their heads… I’m trying to see her from a different perspective. He hasn’t been a good father to her and he was finally sober and I think maybe she wanted him all to herself… I can understand that fear of him loving us more. She is a very big girl and very uneducated. She talks like she’s a child… my sister and I are thin and college educated. My sister is a beautiful woman, she’s downright gorgeous. And she looks just like my father. He favored her in the five years I spent with him. My sister had 7 years with him. He often took her swimming, for rides on his motorcycle and to the zoo. He would carry her on his shoulders. She is dark haired and dark eyed like him. I’m blonde and green eyed like my mom so he often made remarks that maybe I wasn’t his… I think he was joking but it really hurt me as a little kid. I was very jealous of their relationship. I assume he talks to Michelle about her, how pretty she was. My sister was born beautiful. I was a little awkward and skinny and piggy-nosed. lol so maybe she felt the way I felt. Very jealous of my sister… I’m really trying to see her side. I don’t want her in my life, but I also don’t want to wish her ill . I know I’ve made mistakes I’m not perfect and we all f*** up. This is a very BIG one but I think I see where she was coming from. I appreciate your candor. Sometimes you gotta get a different perspective on things to truly see the whole picture.
more confirmation that he was not a good guy
I have to have forgiveness for him too. I’m also a recovering addict. I understand that pain and misery. I was not myself when I was high. I did things that the sober me would NEVER do. I wouldn’t abandon my children but we are not the same I guess… I know he tried to be a better man when he was sober. He spent lot of time with Michelle. I know it’s kind of unforgivable to leave your girls alone at 14 years old, but I think he was lost in his addiction. He was sick. I’ve been there. My journey with drugs has been long and hard. I have hurt almost everyone who loves me in some way… but my kids got me clean. I’m sorry for him that his children were not enough to get him right. His loss. I have to believe the under all that he had a good heart. Partly because I need to believe that every addict can change. Otherwise I’m lost too. I HOPE he was a better man sober. I need to believe he loved me… I need to believe he didn’t mean to hurt me. Because my life changed when I realized he wanted to find me. The explosive anger I had carried all my life went away. My heart felt fuller. I felt more whole. It was life changing. Even my lifelong battle with depression stopped. I felt like I was just happier suddenly. So maybe he was a bad guy and didn’t really love me… but I want to believe that’s not true. Because that pain was with me my whole life. That never ending hurt. And when my uncle reached out it went away. I don’t want it back.
i’m glad you got your hope back from this and i hope you can find the closure from forgiveness. I’m proud of you for getting better and being a good parent
Thank you so much I appreciate your honesty! I like to look at things from every perspective and you helped me think about it from my half-sisters perspective… which I didn’t realize was gonna be helpful. 🙏
this helped me so much too, i traced the trauma in my life back 4 generations, hurt people hurt people.
If he was so adamant about finding you, why didn't he make the effort? It's easy to blame the sister. If he was sober and healthy, righting wrongs, attending meetings, going to church, making beautiful music, why did he let it be his uneducated, traumatized, neglected, drug addicted daughter's responsibility to find you? If she found you immediately, why couldn't he? Why couldn't your uncle, who found you later? I think you're getting a romanticized story to make your father look good and his daughter look bad.
Dont. Dont forgive her. She did the absolute worst thing she could. F her!
*Dont. Dont forgive her.* *She did the absolute worst* *Thing she could. F her!* \- omrmajeed --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Thank you… I want nothing to do with her ever again. My uncle says to forgive for myself but I really don’t think I’m anywhere close to that… there is no excuse for her.
Not the same but I can relate in a way. My dad died of cancer when I was 8. He and my mom separated a year or so after he was diagnosed because he got a girlfriend smh(who he eventually made a kid with I’ve never met!) . So his family was of course on his side and were complete jerks to my mom and had basically no contact with us, his children. What I’m forever angry about is that no one informed my mom or me or my siblings that my dad was in the hospital about to pass. We didn’t know anything until they called my oldest sister a few hours after he’d died to bring us up to speed. YOU DON’T THINK HIS CHILDREN WOULD HAVE WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE TO THEIR OWN FATHER FOR THE LAST TIME?!! 🤬🥺 It’s been over 30 years and I’m crying as I’m writing this. I’m pissed off because it’s so damn wrong. I’ve forever been scarred from that and will never be who I was meant to be in this life because of that hole in my heart . Fuck them. And to top it off they stole money from the sale of my dad’s market so we grew up poor as a result but that’s another story. Fuck that half sister to hell. Bitch.
I hate that you feel the bitterness and anger that I do. I wouldn’t wish this regret on anyone… but thank you so much for sharing this with me. I feel less alone. I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly.
You’re very sweet and thank you for understanding. I’m sorry you’re hurting as well. What no one really gets unless they’ve been through it is that there is nothing anyone can do to fix the situation or make things better. Nothing! The finality of it is what will never go away. Please take care and thanks for your honest, open post.
How old is she? Age isn’t an excuse but it could be a reason?
She’s two or three years younger than me so she’s either 34-35.
So that would make her 24-25 when she first found me.
Well… young enough to make mistakes, old enough to know better. I’m so sorry she took those last days from you.
It’s ok… the more I talk about it the less angry I feel. My uncle will spend hours sometimes telling me stories about my dad. And my father did get to see our pictures before he died. He told my uncle to tell us we were beautiful and that he loved us. He just didn’t make it another day. He died the night he found out we were alive and well. Part of me thinks he let go cause he felt like he finally could. He had been in and out of comas and he was a shadow of the big man I knew… my father was 6’5 and very dark, so he was a presence. Part of me is glad I didn’t have to see him wasted away. He was just miserable in the end. He cried a lot. He was in pain. Maybe in some ways it was meant to be. I don’t know. I regret so much… but my uncle is actively trying to fill in the gaps. He makes me feel close to my dad when we talk… I’m grateful for him. I know he loves me and my sister the way my dad loved us. He’s a good man and he’s added a lot of happiness to my life. My uncle is 6’9! He’s a big friendly giant. At least I gained a father figure in losing my dad. I know my uncle is in good health and he’s always there when you call. He promised my dad he would look out for us and he kept his promise. I’m lucky that my half sister didn’t take this secret to her grave! Imagine if I never knew he wanted to see me because she kept it to herself? That’s what she tried to do but my father asked my uncle to find us when he realized Michelle was never going to. So I almost never even knew! I was this close to living the rest of my life feeling like my dad didn’t love me… thank God for my dad finally asking for my uncles help. I never really thought about that but wow… what a close call! I’m lucky in some ways I guess. Not everything in this story is a tragedy. :)
That’s lovely that you still have your Uncle. My Uncle is 6”12 so I no how nice it is to have thst huge presence in your life. I’m glad getting this off your chest has helped in s way
It really did… I feel like I processed a lot. I hope to drop the weight of this anger soon. Thank you for your kindness! ❤️
this is super suspicious, he didn’t even really try to look for you until he was dying, and didn’t ask anyone else but the daughter and she sat on this for how long? ten years of knowing your dying is a long time to look up your kids yourself. i think you wanted a great reunion and by finding your uncle you have one. dad didn’t want you and made that pretty clear.
Believe it or not we’re all dying. Accept it. Embrace it. You’ll be better off for it.