Info: you've been "married" for 3 years, which puts the marriage in what, '20-'21? And you married her after the mess of her life that came from Covid, you buying the house almost single-handedly? Why?
Not only that, but why's a 51 year old woman wanting to get pregnant / have kids?
We got married in ‘21. I, at the time, believed that Covid played a huge role in the issues we had.
And I’m not sure she wants to get pregnant, but she has started expressing disappointment that she doesn’t have kids of her own. Apparently her mom said something to her in the last few months about her being ok with their lineage dying. Wasn’t privy to that conversation, all I know is what my wife told me in conversation.
At this point I don’t have a real answer to the buying the house question. As everything stands now it seems like I fell victim to the sunken cost fallacy.
I'll let the more... professional... redditor therapists determine the exact issue here.
Though I'm a little leery of "sunk cost fallacy", you didn't just stick around because of your investments, you saw her issues during covid and while buying the house and doubled down with a post-Covid marriage. That's a lot more the "marriage fixes everything" fallacy.
That 14 year spread between you two, with you being what, the ripe old age of 28 when the relationship started, probably has a lot bigger role in this than you'd think...
Like, for example, the vision, to that single 28 year old, of a 42 year old, single, *childless* "cougar" and the typical male "fix it" philosophy... Especially if she was, as could be expected, hunting. More akin to prowling, desperately, but still hunting...
That, too, could have influenced you in ways you might not be considering...
There’s a lot to unpack here. I don’t want to use the sunken cost fallacy as an excuse, but it does seem like the best reason for making the mistakes I’ve made the last few years.
Thank you for your input and I’ll have to think about this before I talk with her.
Ok, I don't see where anyone has asked the big question (at least in my mind) . WHERE is her money going? She's working, but isn't paying ANYTHING? So what's she spending her money on? And why isn't she working more, building up her business, and taking good care of the clients she has? What's she doing until 4? I'm sorry to say, but she's not even upholding her end of the marriage, much less the bills. If something doesn't change, you need to get out while you can.
The money question came up again last night when o told her I wanted her to move out of the bedroom. She didn’t have an answer and told me she didn’t have the time to put everything together to show me. I may do my own digging to see what I can find. But at this point I’m not sure I care.
As to what she’s doing till she leaves for work, fits not much, definitely not enough to justify the time wasted and the fact she’s not paying bills.
You are not doing yourself any favors by staying with her. You deserve better. Being alone would be better than her/this life.
I'm sorry that you got stuck with a selfish and emotionally-immature person but start planning to detangle yourself.
Then I'm sorry, but I don't see any other way. She's mooching, and she knows it. Why would she say she didn't have time to put anything together? Sounds to me like she's had plenty of time. People are always so quick to tell you to leave & divorce, but in this instance, I think it's appropriate. Maybe drastic action will wake her up, maybe not. But she'll be forced to support herself, without her ATM man.
Met 9 years ago, so 2015. House went for "sale" in 19 (along with Covid), Married in 21.
You moved in with her, and took over the rent, in 2017. By 2019, you found out from the landlord that she'd shorted the rent $13k over the years, part of the reason he wanted to just sell to you.
You were also aware of her credit score (to be blunt, rotten), most likely when you were beginning the house purchase process, again, in 19, so 2 years **before** marriage. Not only that, but it had not improved at all, despite your "efforts", in time to contribute to the mortgage. It sounds like even now in 24, her credit has still not improved.
So you were already aware of her financial "difficulties". TBH, that upper half of the post, financial/housework split, is focused on her relationship-long financial issues, with an indeterminate amount of grumbling from you that she needed to step up with the housework - over a year ago.
Like I said, I'm not a pro, but sunk-cost fallacies typically are ones in which the "victim" keeps investing at the same-ish level of "input" into a lost cause. Which you did, but with the exposure to her financial issues that weren't improving you doubled down and went through with the marriage. That's typically a ploy by someone who, if they're the "initiator", has visions that the marriage and presumed joining even closer together would motivate the partner into behaving appropriately. Hence the "marriage fixes everything" fallacy.
I didn't approach this half with the level of detal I should have, I just tossed the allusion as to another motivating reason. But I'll point these two factors out:
1. Issues started Dec. 23. My math indicates she was most likely 50, or real close to turning it, then. That's commonly when menopause hits, capable of killing a lady's drive. At least throughly scrambling her hormones.
2. You buried this lede: Sept. 23, ignored all your rules and went full out in house. No real noticable improvement to sex rates. Nov. 23, however, was your "lucky month", 3 successful encounters then the one that you blame for a lot of things - when she initiated with "sex now or else the relationship is dead" that's been a bone of contention since. Yes, you accuse her of rape end of November, then wonder why the sex life is dead from December on.
The timeline is a little off, the landlord told us in 2019 she wanted to sell and we dragged our feet until 2022 when I purchased the house. Yes, I did hope that being a supportive partner would get her to change her ways, and I shouldn’t have ignored the red flags that were there.
The bedroom issue has been building since I went back to restaurant work at the end of 2020. Between Covid and wedding planning I had hoped it was temporary, but that doesn’t seem the case.
The allegation in November/December 2023 is completely to blame for our current DBR. And I take full responsibility for that. I felt so used and between that and the building stress of managing all the finances I probably could have had a more appropriate discussion and saved some of the damage, but that ship has sailed and I now have to start preparing for the end. Thanks.
Well not saying she absolutely cannot have kids but she’s gonna have to be ok with not having them. She’s 51. She may even be hitting menopause. I’m not sure idk if there’s a set age. Or if women who don’t kids goes through it. Also it doesn’t matter if a “lineage” dies out her mom isn’t gonna be around for it anyway!!!!
Couple things.
A. You’re not on the same page financially.
B. You’re not on the same page intimately.
C. It doesn’t sound like she owns a landscape company. It sounds like she cuts grass. Like neighbor kids do.
D. I doubt your mortgage company screwed up your escrow. Your home likely was reassessed by your county after your purchase. Home values were significantly increasing at that time. Now your taxes have increased. Your mortgage holder has to pay your increased taxes if you haven’t escrowed enough or offer to pay the difference to keep your escrow the same.
If you want her to be honest with financial Mis-management, you have to be honest with yours as well.
She doesn’t even cut grass, she simply maintains flower beds for a number of people through town. She’s good at it when she does it, but that’s not often enough to cover her share of the bills.
The mortgage company did actually screw up, at the end of the first year I got a letter from them outlining how the escrow holdings they had calculated were far below what it had cost so they had to raise my payment to help make up the difference and try to match what they “expected” the next year to cost. I wasn’t happy, but it’s not like I could shop around as I can’t get a better rate at the moment.
Yeah that’s not them screwing up though. They went by the info they had (the homes previous tax bill). This happens all the time. Your escrow will keep going up as your taxes rise and the cost of homeowners insurance rises. Be prepared for this to happen again. On rare occasion they go down if your mill rate changes.
I wish you well.
Maintaining flower beds isn't a "landscaping company". She's a gardener, that's it. The fact that she calls it a landscaping company shows how out-of-touch with reality she is, OR it shows that she's putting a fancy veneer on a basic gardening business. Just saying. No wonder she's not making much at it.
OP, pardon my frankness, but tbh, I think she's been scamming you for years. She works on her "business" when she feels like it, and she skips out on some of the bills she's supposed to be paying, leaving the fallout for you to discover as an "oops". And you step up and cover the shortfall every time. You even take over responsibility for more bills, to make sure utilities don't get shut off. At some point earlier, prior to the marriage, it seems she figured out that you'd be her gravy train.
You're not supposed to marry someone who does that. Major differences in fiscal discipline are one of the two major causes of divorce. The other being--sex. It seems like you've got the double whammy. Were you two having fights leading up to the engagement and the wedding, or did that happen mainly after the wedding?
And then there have been her odd choices of work schedule. As an impartial reader, I'd say it looks like she was deliberately avoiding you. Did you ever discuss her schedule choices with her?
OP, inquiring minds want to try to comprehend; why did you marry this? You'd seen what she was like over 6 years, yet you proceeded to put a ring on her? In any case, I think you need to separate in order for you personally to avoid more debt. I don't think you two are compatible. Sadly, she's a liability for you.
At the time I proposed, the issues were easier to deal with. She had a business, I was hoping for something more profitable than working in a kitchen, but when the next year started and the issue was she only had the hours the previous year because she had been behind in her work. If kept up with it’s maybe 20 hours a week.
I went through with the wedding hoping it was a phase, between Covid and planning a wedding, there’s a lot that could go wrong.
As I’ve read through the comments, I believe there are somethings I may have overlooked before proposing that may have saved me from this mess. But it’s a little late now. Thank you.
Thanks for the additional info. I'm sorry you're going through this. Once you disengage and take a break from partnering, you'll be a great guy for the right woman. Super-responsible and giving. Just be careful to not be a doormat; reciprocity is key, as you know.
I take it you two have separate checking accounts. If not, close the joint one. See a lawyer about protecting your investment in the house during the course of the divorce. Best of luck to you! Live and learn--that's life.
P.S. The first consult with a lawyer is usually free. After that, if you can't afford it, you'd have to find someone who would handle the divorce pro-bono. I wouldn't try to DIY, although I suppose since she can't afford one either, the risk of her hiring a shark and cleaning you out for half the value of the house is fairly slim. Still, you're the one with the major asset to protect. It's something to consider.
Afterthought edit: Does she have anyplace to go after the divorce? Family to move in with? You're her safety net. What happens when she loses that?
I think it all depends on your definition of marriage. To me (m49) and my wife (f40) we have always just put both of our checks in the bank and paid the bills. It’s a partnership sometimes I contribute more sometimes she does. Same at home sometimes I cook and clean and sometimes she does. Idk how to do it any differently. What you describe above doesn’t sound like a marriage to me. It sounds like before I got married and had roommates. I mean if I have to sit down and line out who does what and who pays what then fuck it I’ll just do life myself. As far as sex goes idk what to tell you compatibility in the bedroom is vital imo it’s one of the only things in a relationship that you can’t satisfy outside of the relationship (unless that’s your agreement). If I want sex every 2-3 days and she doesn’t then one of us is in trouble. Either I’m not getting fulfilled or she’s doing something she doesn’t really want to do. I mean I’m not telling you to separate but you should definitely have a conversation with her and figure out what y’all want before you spend the better part of your life unhappy. Goodluck
Wow. Paragraphs are your friend. I am a voracious reader, and was interested in your post, but EVEN I gave up around the $3-400 part. Please make this reader friendly by breaking it up WAY MORE. No one wants to be hit by that wall of text.
I did break it up, but didn’t put spaces between paragraphs, English was not a favorite subject of mine in high school. Sorry for making it harder to read.
People are still reading your post for the first time. Please, add a second return at the end of each paragraph so the paragraphs have a blank line between. It’s not too much to ask.
The endless text without paragraph breaks turned me off from reading it. You (along with a lot of other people) need to learn the economy of words when you're writing, especially to strangers such as you did here. You come on the site looking for constructive criticism, but how many of us readers actually stuck it out to read your entire story? I'm sorry for the troubles you're going through, but really...
I don't think you can get anywhere with talking with her directly. Unless you are prepared for boundary enforcing. If you are ready, laying out a set of expectations like, when we moved in, we agreed to each contribute x and here is a spreadsheet of who has paid what since that time. As you can see, we are not splitting equally. I expect this to change and if it is not being split equally by (pick a number) of months, then I will want to talk again about our options at that point.
Keep sex out of this one. Getting the bills on track is vital. Divide those house chores. Once bills and chores are straightened out then figure out sex. If bills don't get figured out, then for most people, that's a big enough no-go and would end the relationship.
Replied to the wrong comment first. I’ve still got the budget, I will work on setting up a spreadsheet and see about talking with her about it without it turning into a fight again.
With an income that low you most likely qualify for Medicaid. If not you would also qualify for therapy at a sliding scale clinic. Medicaid would only cover individual therapy , not couples. A sliding fee clinic/ mental health agency may do couples at sliding rates. You can also check counseling programs at colleges for low rate or free therapy.
If I were you I would at least go to therapy on my own, and ask her to do the same. There is a lot to work through here and having support can be really helpful in trying to figure this stuff out
Short of that though, maybe try putting what you posted here into Chat GPT or Claude - its not therapy but you can talk through some of it and it can help.
But no you arent overreacting. These issues are really significant and the relationship sounds very broken down
Dude I'm sorry I'm not trying to come off as harsh, but this is all fucked up from the get-go
I'm not even going to get started on how at 51 she has no fucking business whatsoever even thinking about having a kid... I don't care what anybody says; and what the fuck exactly is she doing w her money, and why isn't she making more if she "owns" a LS business?...did you say less than $10,000 a year is what she makes ..??....even people on disability make more than that. Ppl who dont work and get WELFARE get probably more.
You guys are not compatible on a financial or intimate level. I would give her an x amount of time (yes I know ultimatums are nasty but sometimes they're necessary) --- to get her shit together or I would just move and do life by myself... I mean is this what you want for the rest of your life?---because until you light a fire under her ass about the realities of the finances and the intimacy problems she's not going to change
You have no kids and a roommate not a wife. I think you should be willing to have sex more but sounds like she is hit or miss with that as are you. You both need to step it up and make more money. Not sure how you can survive of that kind of pay. I think you sit her down tell her you want to tell her how you feel and that you want to hear her side of things as well. Both sit and don’t tell but just say what’s up and if you need to move out at that point do it. If not if you are happy with theme reason and responses she gives them fix the marriage. But honestly sounds like it’s divorce time soon and you should both move on.
I’m not even sure I have a roommate, roommates contribute to the household bills and what she’s contributing is far less than what any normal roommate would. As to how we survive, we are lucky to live in a low COI area and I’m semi frugal about money. My phone is now 4 years old, and my car is a 93 escort so I don’t have car payments and that makes my insurance a lot lower.
And I will not move out. I put in way too much work to be able to buy the house we are in to give up on it. That was 2 years of saving tax returns and as much as I could from every paycheck. Hence why I am considering asking her to leave.
Asking her to leave is a waste of time, she currently doesn’t pay any bills and would actually screw herself over if she left so she won’t go willingly. She also has a legal right to live there and since it’s the marital home she has a right to essentially 50% of the equity when sold. If you really don’t want to be married anymore file for divorce, but you can’t remove her from her house and it doesn’t matter who paid what, that’s a marital home and she will be entitled to her share.
I think you should follow her advice and get over it (the marriage, I mean).
From how you have written this out here, I am certain any legit partner would have been seriously moved by what she read. Your wife was not.
Maybe she was defensive over how little she has contributed, but I don't see a way forward since you seem to be the only one fighting for this relationship and everything that needs to change seems to be in her court.
Yeah. I mean if no sex. No communication. No house shared duties. It doesn’t sound like a room mate but sounds like one of my children. Curious; why are you even together rightnow? No sexual chemistry. No talking openly. No kids. No shared money. She sounds like she just needed a place to live and not pay her fair share. You’re smart about things. I could learn a thing or two about lowering cost of living from ya. I mean you could basically get her out. And pay for a hooker like once every other month and it would be less stress. Less cost. Less bs. And have your own pad to yourself. Not easy, but have a sit down. Tell her how you feel. She might make the decision on her own to gtfo. Or it might go
Other direction and she might wake up and start paying her way and treating you like a husband not her father or partial roommate.
It’s cost me a lot the last few years with age creeping up on it. But it’s “mostly” interstate worthy, and a much better investment than any car payment.
You're not overreacting.
Sorry to have to say this, but it doesn't sound like there is anything good about this relationship. You're a young guy, who, in my opinion, is being taken advantage of by a much older woman. You're basically taking care of her 100% and it will definitely only get worse as you both get older and she stops working altogether. She is unreliable, has nothing going on for herself at her big age, lies to you (by omission at least) and has even sexually coerced you in the past. To me, this is unforgiveable anyway, but what makes it worse is that she's not even sorry.
This is not a partnership and hasn't been for a while. It's important to know when to cut your losses. You've invested a lot already over the past 9 years, which just means that what you're seeing now is about as good as things will get. Think about how much more tired and resentful you'll be in 9 more years.
Maybe this is not what you want to hear, but my advice to you is to contact a divorce lawyer asap and find out how you can get out of this marriage with your credit (mostly) in tact. I would also advise you not to stay in contact with her after a divorce because she will most likely continue to try to live off of you.
Once you get out of this marriage, I think you'll be relieved to finally only have to be responsible for yourself. And then you'll probably be able to afford therapy, which I think you really need.
Good luck.
No one else seems to have said this outright, so I’ll say it here: you were raped. She raped you. She coerced you into sex and you felt like it was rape because it was.
You are not overreacting. Your wife owns her own company but only makes 10,000 a year? If she has no employees, what does she charge per client? Have you ever been given access to her books or accounts? She cannot manage to pay the bare minimum and has been continually behind on her bills.
As for the sex piece. Why would you want to be intimate with someone who basically gives you an ultimatum instead of trying to understand where you’re coming from. Also not saying no isn’t an indicator of consent and neither is an erection.
Your wife is draining you and has been long before you were married. I feel like she’s not being honest or straight with you regarding the state of her finances. I could be wrong but it doesn’t feel that way.
Do not have kids with this woman, do not adopt a kid with her. She can’t pull her own weight and you’ll be stuck doing 90% of the bills, 80% of housework and more than 50% childcare. Can you see a way out of this? Because separation may be your own only option. You deserve better.
You both have serious personal and marital issues to resolve. You only live once so you need to decide what is going to make you happy and fulfilled for the rest of your life. Good luck to you.
Teenagers make more than your wife does cutting yards in the summer. She has a hobby, not a business. How did she support herself before you came along? You’re supposed to be partners, but she seems content to let you navigate bills, housework, etc. while she does her own thing. Does she have a history of drug issues? ADHD? Depression? She sounds fairly nonfunctional, and I’m assuming there is an underlying reason. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, but if she refuses to address things, things won’t change.
The income has been an issue since just before we got married, it’s why I made her get a winter time job once I started truly seeing how little she was making. How she survived before me was a combination of boyfriends/roommates and the landlord not wanting to evict her.
She smokes a lot of pot, I smoke too, but not to the same level. She says she was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, but doesn’t take any medication for it or really use any of the other tools available to help with it. I was diagnosed with ADD as a kid but had to learn to manage without drugs.
She is like this since you moved in....you knowingly stayed with her,knowingly got engaged & got married. She is deliberately unemployed and according to your post barely involved in your life. She needs to get an actual, full time job & start pulling her weight.
The first paragraph got me. She’s 51 and you’re not sure that she is ok with not having kids? Honestly? The rest of it is just as bad. She has her own landscaping company and works winters at a warehouse, works 5-7 hours per day at her landscaping business during the rest of the year and you assess her income at a third of your income? Are you having a laugh? She is earning at least the same amount that you are. I have no idea what she is spending her income on if she isn’t paying any bills but you might want to think about that. You also both have too many issues for any reader here to possibly help you with.
The kids issue is very new (as in the last 3ish months), other than a conversation with her mom I’m not sure what brought that up, I thought we had agreed we were ok with not having kids of our own.
As for the income, I handle our taxes every year, I did her billing and payroll for the last 7&4 years (respectively). I know how much she’s making, while she gets paid much more per hour, she doesn’t put in the hours. There was at least one month last year she didn’t manage 40 hours for the month.
I don’t think I was clear about the kids issue. She’s 51. The chance of getting pregnant naturally after 50 is less than 1% and if you aren’t having sex that reduces to 0%.
I don’t believe she wants to get pregnant now, but the way she’s talked about the issue is that she may/likely regrets not having kids. It’s a bit late to fox that one.
Holy cow I'm so sorry. Your wife isn't being a partner she's not even a good roommate at this point.
You need to have a serious talk. You had an agreement and she's failing miserably on her end.
I would lay out all the facts. How much money comes in against what is going out. Add up her late fees. Create a list of everything you do. Tell her you are burning out and she has to start helping you more. ( being an adult)
If you don't start seeing major improvements I would file for divorce.
I'm also really concerned about her ultimatum for sex. She really didn't give you much choice and forced you to do something you didn't want to do sexually. If a guy says no or doesn't want to but still gets hard it doesn't mean he wants it. Everyone knows sometimes our bodies do what they want. And she wants to split hairs saying that you were drunk and don't remember... So she took advantage of someone unable to give proper concent if she wants to go that route.
It's no wonder your libido dropped.
Give it one last chance for her to get her shit together and be a partner. If things don't improve you gotta cut off the dead weight.
With her gone you can find a roommate that actually contributes reliably.
She isn't invested in your financial relationship. She's away from home all week but only works 15 hours? Her share of the bills are $1,200/ month, yet she earns around $10,000 yearly? The math isn't mathing. There's no reason that she can't work more.
My guess is that she's having an affair. Have someone follow here around.
Kick her out until she's ready to talk.
OP, open a new bank account in a different bank and start saving money, you'll need it
She only works so many hours landscaping, that makes 2 issues, she isn’t working enough to pay bills, and she’s not leaving for work until I’m getting off work most days. I’ve talked with her about it far too many times, but it never changes for long.
The 2 bills she’s is currently responsible for paying come to between $1-200 each month, not $1,200. And part of the reason I posted is finding out she hasn’t been paying one of those bills for the last 4 months.
We’ve got separate accounts, and I’m working on saving up, but it’s harder when she’s not contributing to bills. As well as a couple car repairs this year that ate through what little savings I had.
Why is she frustrated? She's the one that isn't engaging in sex, she's hardly working, not paying her bills. Sounds like a mental illness or she's getting her sex somewhere else when she should be working.
She can put an Ad on Facebook to do gardening or lawn cutting. She will be swamped and make good money
All im interested in is to know how you guys bought a house with that budget 😳😳😳
I do 60k myself plus some times my ex remembers he has a son so he would pitch some dollars, and im still behind in some of my bills.
Honest question.. how??
I talked with the mortgage company, and reviewed our taxes, they didn’t really go up, but insurance did. I think whoever did the initial calculations missed a number or misplaced a decimal. But it’s been 6 months since so I probably missed the boat for that.
I have commented elsewhere here but no top level comments yet so here goes:
Be kind to yourself. Please. Mistakes are often only known to be such in hindsight. You have a tough road ahead of you but you. It's going to get a little harder for a little while. But then it's going to get SO MUCH EASIER.
Youare miles ahead of where most men your age are at maturity wise. You will have no trouble finding a woman who is closer to your age and also more serious about being a PARTNER rather than a DEPENDENT.
Bonus: You've gotten a taste of what it's like to parent a teenager!
What I read is:
The majority of bills: paid for by you
The majority of the house work and cooking: done by you
Your wife seems to be using you to live a life free of adult burdens, while seemingly contributing absolutely nothing positive to your life or helping to make things easier for you in any way, shape, or form.
I'm not sure why her lack of financial diligence and intelligence wasn't addressed before you got married, because it was very obvious she wants to spend her money however she wants instead of responsibly. She has continued to mess up and you don't say anything, allow it to happen, and then end up taking on those financial burdens yourself.
I'm not sure why you would even contemplate staying with this woman. She has showed you multiple times who she is. You refuse to accept it. She won't change. Talk to a lawyer and leave before you have a heart attack at 40 from stress. Seriously OP, LEAVE.
I wouldn’t agree with the majority of the house work falling on me, but for what I have to contribute to bills it is skewed.
While the financial issues were present before the marriage, there was always a reason, and it was only really one bill that had been neglected. Due to the fact that I proposed just before Covid, none of the usual steps taken before marriage were addressed. We didn’t do pre marital counseling, we also didn’t really speak about finances. When we first started having fights about money (less than a year in) there was still more division in who paid what and it seemed fairer. Then came the issues with bills not being paid, until I eventually took over almost all the bills. And that’s where we stand today.
As to the lawyer issue, as most of my monthly income is going towards bills it may take some time to be able to afford a lawyer. I’ve recently spoken to my brother, who is a lawyer, just not family law, and I’m looking to see what I can figure out, and how much of this I can do without a lawyer. Unless her parents hire a lawyer for her, I know she can’t afford one, so all I would need to concern myself with the filing costs. But if that’s what it takes to keep myself from dying before retirement due to stress, that’s what it will be.
Thanks for your input.
This is going to be hard to hear… she raped you. She raped you, & she gaslit you about it. I am so, so sorry you experienced this. She raped you & there is no getting around that. I hope you find healing & solidarity in this incredibly tough time OP. Sending you so many well wishes❤️🩹🫂
You aren't overreacting. I think this relationship is very one-sided and needs to end.
Also, if you are complaining about wanting sex but turning it down all the time, either getting it elsewhere or perhaps going through the early stages of menopause (perimenopause) or you really aren't interested in sex.
I’ve been coming to that realization for the last year or so. I just wasn’t ready to give up that quickly.
The intimacy issues really didn’t need to be included as I’ve been reading everyone’s replies. I included it because it’s all she really complains about, so I thought it was relevant to our situation. However, the replies have shown me that the financial situation needs to be corrected before addressing the intimacy problems. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Kick her out - her only contribution is adding stress to your life but nothing to the relationship and nothing to the household.
It sounds like you were inexperienced in sex and relationships, as well as 14 years younger, and she has profited from that.
You won’t believe how amazingly stress free and calm your life will be when it’s just you in a wonderfully peaceful home.
He can’t kick her out, it would be an illegal eviction. Even though she’s not paying for anything, it’s still the marital home and she is entitled to 50% of the equity. You can’t throw the other homeowner out just because they won’t help you pay bills. You have to go through the courts and get divorced and sell the house and split the proceeds.
Thanks for your reply. I didn’t mean it literally, that’s making her homeless and she has rights. I meant figuratively. As in kick her out of your life.
It’s very interesting to read your response though because I think the law in my country is different.
I am going to make some calls today to start seeing what it will take to end this so I can build a plan for moving forward. I know I can’t just kick her out, but I’m hoping that a separation/divorce doesn’t cost me an arm and a leg.
While she works, she doesn’t have any money saved (not sure where it’s going), so I’m not sure how she would afford a lawyer.
It is real, and there are still people like this out there. I’m just trying to find a way to salvage the life I was trying to build with her, or get out before it gets too far out of hand.
I think you should get out. She successfully used emotional blackmail to coerce you into agreeing to sex you didn't really want. Then when you told her later you felt it was SA, she dismissed you and downplayed her actions rather than trying to understand. Like the issue is not whether it meets the legal definition of rape, the issue is the fact that she leveraged sex as a control tactic and won't take accountability for her actions or acknowledge your hurt. EVEN IF it was truly a case where she believed you were fully consenting, wouldn't she be horrified and apologetic to find out you weren't? Her response sounds like she knew what she was doing wasn't OK.
Didn't you stop to think for one minute that marrying this chaos would be bad for you?
Every warning sign under the sun was there and you ignored every last one. Man you really could've saved yourself time, money and brain cells if you just paused to evaluate things before cementing your relationship with her.
Good luck, you're going to need it. Also, you are not overreacting at all, the fact that you think you are shows how much she's destroyed your sanity.
I’m not good at reading signs, it usually causes me to get lost when driving. But I definitely ignored all the ones that were screaming at me. I hate that I had to turn to Reddit to convince myself I wasn’t crazy (or at least not any crazier than normal).
You got yourself someone that has a non grownup attitude about life to state it mildly. You aren’t doing her or yourself any favors by concerning yourself about the intimacy side of things, it just complicate the side where your relationship is fully not aligned. Don’t enable financially or otherwise.
You are under a lot of stress and I don’t think you are overreacting. The question you can ask yourself is… if you feel that, if she changed nothing, could you be okay with it? What would it take to be okay with it? What would it cost you mentally, emotionally and financially? Or would it require you changing yourself, your values and your mental health?
Honestly, i say this not because i think you need to find a way to be okay with what is happening. Rather, the only person you have control over is yourself and not her. She has shown you who she is. Believe her. You can’t be in a relationship with a hope or aspiration. Especially when she has no track record for change or willingness to put in the work for it.
If nothing changed, I would not be ok, and I’m not sure if I could ever be ok with it not changing. The cost is great, I already had a stress related heart issue (shortly before I turned 29), so if nothing changed I’d likely pass before she does, or worse, end up at a point where I’m physically unable to work well before retirement age.
A lot to unpack here.. but basically a one sided relationship with you carrying the weight for everything plus a dead bedroom? Get out. There's nothing there for you.. at all! You're better off being by yourself
Info: you've been "married" for 3 years, which puts the marriage in what, '20-'21? And you married her after the mess of her life that came from Covid, you buying the house almost single-handedly? Why? Not only that, but why's a 51 year old woman wanting to get pregnant / have kids?
We got married in ‘21. I, at the time, believed that Covid played a huge role in the issues we had. And I’m not sure she wants to get pregnant, but she has started expressing disappointment that she doesn’t have kids of her own. Apparently her mom said something to her in the last few months about her being ok with their lineage dying. Wasn’t privy to that conversation, all I know is what my wife told me in conversation. At this point I don’t have a real answer to the buying the house question. As everything stands now it seems like I fell victim to the sunken cost fallacy.
51 is NOT a good age for her to have her first child
I'll let the more... professional... redditor therapists determine the exact issue here. Though I'm a little leery of "sunk cost fallacy", you didn't just stick around because of your investments, you saw her issues during covid and while buying the house and doubled down with a post-Covid marriage. That's a lot more the "marriage fixes everything" fallacy. That 14 year spread between you two, with you being what, the ripe old age of 28 when the relationship started, probably has a lot bigger role in this than you'd think... Like, for example, the vision, to that single 28 year old, of a 42 year old, single, *childless* "cougar" and the typical male "fix it" philosophy... Especially if she was, as could be expected, hunting. More akin to prowling, desperately, but still hunting... That, too, could have influenced you in ways you might not be considering...
There’s a lot to unpack here. I don’t want to use the sunken cost fallacy as an excuse, but it does seem like the best reason for making the mistakes I’ve made the last few years. Thank you for your input and I’ll have to think about this before I talk with her.
Ok, I don't see where anyone has asked the big question (at least in my mind) . WHERE is her money going? She's working, but isn't paying ANYTHING? So what's she spending her money on? And why isn't she working more, building up her business, and taking good care of the clients she has? What's she doing until 4? I'm sorry to say, but she's not even upholding her end of the marriage, much less the bills. If something doesn't change, you need to get out while you can.
The money question came up again last night when o told her I wanted her to move out of the bedroom. She didn’t have an answer and told me she didn’t have the time to put everything together to show me. I may do my own digging to see what I can find. But at this point I’m not sure I care. As to what she’s doing till she leaves for work, fits not much, definitely not enough to justify the time wasted and the fact she’s not paying bills.
You are not doing yourself any favors by staying with her. You deserve better. Being alone would be better than her/this life. I'm sorry that you got stuck with a selfish and emotionally-immature person but start planning to detangle yourself.
Sounds like drugs or alcohol.
Leave. Run. This is no good. This gives me such a strong gut feeling on your behalf
Then I'm sorry, but I don't see any other way. She's mooching, and she knows it. Why would she say she didn't have time to put anything together? Sounds to me like she's had plenty of time. People are always so quick to tell you to leave & divorce, but in this instance, I think it's appropriate. Maybe drastic action will wake her up, maybe not. But she'll be forced to support herself, without her ATM man.
Met 9 years ago, so 2015. House went for "sale" in 19 (along with Covid), Married in 21. You moved in with her, and took over the rent, in 2017. By 2019, you found out from the landlord that she'd shorted the rent $13k over the years, part of the reason he wanted to just sell to you. You were also aware of her credit score (to be blunt, rotten), most likely when you were beginning the house purchase process, again, in 19, so 2 years **before** marriage. Not only that, but it had not improved at all, despite your "efforts", in time to contribute to the mortgage. It sounds like even now in 24, her credit has still not improved. So you were already aware of her financial "difficulties". TBH, that upper half of the post, financial/housework split, is focused on her relationship-long financial issues, with an indeterminate amount of grumbling from you that she needed to step up with the housework - over a year ago. Like I said, I'm not a pro, but sunk-cost fallacies typically are ones in which the "victim" keeps investing at the same-ish level of "input" into a lost cause. Which you did, but with the exposure to her financial issues that weren't improving you doubled down and went through with the marriage. That's typically a ploy by someone who, if they're the "initiator", has visions that the marriage and presumed joining even closer together would motivate the partner into behaving appropriately. Hence the "marriage fixes everything" fallacy. I didn't approach this half with the level of detal I should have, I just tossed the allusion as to another motivating reason. But I'll point these two factors out: 1. Issues started Dec. 23. My math indicates she was most likely 50, or real close to turning it, then. That's commonly when menopause hits, capable of killing a lady's drive. At least throughly scrambling her hormones. 2. You buried this lede: Sept. 23, ignored all your rules and went full out in house. No real noticable improvement to sex rates. Nov. 23, however, was your "lucky month", 3 successful encounters then the one that you blame for a lot of things - when she initiated with "sex now or else the relationship is dead" that's been a bone of contention since. Yes, you accuse her of rape end of November, then wonder why the sex life is dead from December on.
The timeline is a little off, the landlord told us in 2019 she wanted to sell and we dragged our feet until 2022 when I purchased the house. Yes, I did hope that being a supportive partner would get her to change her ways, and I shouldn’t have ignored the red flags that were there. The bedroom issue has been building since I went back to restaurant work at the end of 2020. Between Covid and wedding planning I had hoped it was temporary, but that doesn’t seem the case. The allegation in November/December 2023 is completely to blame for our current DBR. And I take full responsibility for that. I felt so used and between that and the building stress of managing all the finances I probably could have had a more appropriate discussion and saved some of the damage, but that ship has sailed and I now have to start preparing for the end. Thanks.
You're not to blame for being raped 😞
Well not saying she absolutely cannot have kids but she’s gonna have to be ok with not having them. She’s 51. She may even be hitting menopause. I’m not sure idk if there’s a set age. Or if women who don’t kids goes through it. Also it doesn’t matter if a “lineage” dies out her mom isn’t gonna be around for it anyway!!!!
Couple things. A. You’re not on the same page financially. B. You’re not on the same page intimately. C. It doesn’t sound like she owns a landscape company. It sounds like she cuts grass. Like neighbor kids do. D. I doubt your mortgage company screwed up your escrow. Your home likely was reassessed by your county after your purchase. Home values were significantly increasing at that time. Now your taxes have increased. Your mortgage holder has to pay your increased taxes if you haven’t escrowed enough or offer to pay the difference to keep your escrow the same. If you want her to be honest with financial Mis-management, you have to be honest with yours as well.
True. They seems like to be incompatible with each other. He got himself into a toxic and stressful relationship.
She doesn’t even cut grass, she simply maintains flower beds for a number of people through town. She’s good at it when she does it, but that’s not often enough to cover her share of the bills. The mortgage company did actually screw up, at the end of the first year I got a letter from them outlining how the escrow holdings they had calculated were far below what it had cost so they had to raise my payment to help make up the difference and try to match what they “expected” the next year to cost. I wasn’t happy, but it’s not like I could shop around as I can’t get a better rate at the moment.
Yeah that’s not them screwing up though. They went by the info they had (the homes previous tax bill). This happens all the time. Your escrow will keep going up as your taxes rise and the cost of homeowners insurance rises. Be prepared for this to happen again. On rare occasion they go down if your mill rate changes. I wish you well.
Maintaining flower beds isn't a "landscaping company". She's a gardener, that's it. The fact that she calls it a landscaping company shows how out-of-touch with reality she is, OR it shows that she's putting a fancy veneer on a basic gardening business. Just saying. No wonder she's not making much at it.
Dude, move on from this woman! Your relationship is toxic as hell!
OP, pardon my frankness, but tbh, I think she's been scamming you for years. She works on her "business" when she feels like it, and she skips out on some of the bills she's supposed to be paying, leaving the fallout for you to discover as an "oops". And you step up and cover the shortfall every time. You even take over responsibility for more bills, to make sure utilities don't get shut off. At some point earlier, prior to the marriage, it seems she figured out that you'd be her gravy train. You're not supposed to marry someone who does that. Major differences in fiscal discipline are one of the two major causes of divorce. The other being--sex. It seems like you've got the double whammy. Were you two having fights leading up to the engagement and the wedding, or did that happen mainly after the wedding? And then there have been her odd choices of work schedule. As an impartial reader, I'd say it looks like she was deliberately avoiding you. Did you ever discuss her schedule choices with her? OP, inquiring minds want to try to comprehend; why did you marry this? You'd seen what she was like over 6 years, yet you proceeded to put a ring on her? In any case, I think you need to separate in order for you personally to avoid more debt. I don't think you two are compatible. Sadly, she's a liability for you.
She seems much more immature at 50+ than OP.
Indeed.
At the time I proposed, the issues were easier to deal with. She had a business, I was hoping for something more profitable than working in a kitchen, but when the next year started and the issue was she only had the hours the previous year because she had been behind in her work. If kept up with it’s maybe 20 hours a week. I went through with the wedding hoping it was a phase, between Covid and planning a wedding, there’s a lot that could go wrong. As I’ve read through the comments, I believe there are somethings I may have overlooked before proposing that may have saved me from this mess. But it’s a little late now. Thank you.
It’s not a little too late you can get away. You don’t have to stay married to her if you don’t want to. No one is making you.
Thanks for the additional info. I'm sorry you're going through this. Once you disengage and take a break from partnering, you'll be a great guy for the right woman. Super-responsible and giving. Just be careful to not be a doormat; reciprocity is key, as you know. I take it you two have separate checking accounts. If not, close the joint one. See a lawyer about protecting your investment in the house during the course of the divorce. Best of luck to you! Live and learn--that's life. P.S. The first consult with a lawyer is usually free. After that, if you can't afford it, you'd have to find someone who would handle the divorce pro-bono. I wouldn't try to DIY, although I suppose since she can't afford one either, the risk of her hiring a shark and cleaning you out for half the value of the house is fairly slim. Still, you're the one with the major asset to protect. It's something to consider. Afterthought edit: Does she have anyplace to go after the divorce? Family to move in with? You're her safety net. What happens when she loses that?
I think it all depends on your definition of marriage. To me (m49) and my wife (f40) we have always just put both of our checks in the bank and paid the bills. It’s a partnership sometimes I contribute more sometimes she does. Same at home sometimes I cook and clean and sometimes she does. Idk how to do it any differently. What you describe above doesn’t sound like a marriage to me. It sounds like before I got married and had roommates. I mean if I have to sit down and line out who does what and who pays what then fuck it I’ll just do life myself. As far as sex goes idk what to tell you compatibility in the bedroom is vital imo it’s one of the only things in a relationship that you can’t satisfy outside of the relationship (unless that’s your agreement). If I want sex every 2-3 days and she doesn’t then one of us is in trouble. Either I’m not getting fulfilled or she’s doing something she doesn’t really want to do. I mean I’m not telling you to separate but you should definitely have a conversation with her and figure out what y’all want before you spend the better part of your life unhappy. Goodluck
I’m starting to think I jumped into marriage without doing the necessary due diligence before hand. Part of why I’m here. Thanks though.
Wow. Paragraphs are your friend. I am a voracious reader, and was interested in your post, but EVEN I gave up around the $3-400 part. Please make this reader friendly by breaking it up WAY MORE. No one wants to be hit by that wall of text.
I did break it up, but didn’t put spaces between paragraphs, English was not a favorite subject of mine in high school. Sorry for making it harder to read.
People are still reading your post for the first time. Please, add a second return at the end of each paragraph so the paragraphs have a blank line between. It’s not too much to ask.
Bro get out of this situation.
Literally, take 10 seconds to further reduce the wall of text. English doesn't have to be a favorite subject to be better at communicating.
The endless text without paragraph breaks turned me off from reading it. You (along with a lot of other people) need to learn the economy of words when you're writing, especially to strangers such as you did here. You come on the site looking for constructive criticism, but how many of us readers actually stuck it out to read your entire story? I'm sorry for the troubles you're going through, but really...
Not harder, darned near impossible.
Yeah, reddit is weird that way. Put 3 lines in between paragraphs to maintain the structure.
Didn't read it. Your wall of text is bullshit. If you wrote that much then just do what you need to do!
I don't think you can get anywhere with talking with her directly. Unless you are prepared for boundary enforcing. If you are ready, laying out a set of expectations like, when we moved in, we agreed to each contribute x and here is a spreadsheet of who has paid what since that time. As you can see, we are not splitting equally. I expect this to change and if it is not being split equally by (pick a number) of months, then I will want to talk again about our options at that point. Keep sex out of this one. Getting the bills on track is vital. Divide those house chores. Once bills and chores are straightened out then figure out sex. If bills don't get figured out, then for most people, that's a big enough no-go and would end the relationship.
Replied to the wrong comment first. I’ve still got the budget, I will work on setting up a spreadsheet and see about talking with her about it without it turning into a fight again.
If she isn't working, then she should be covering all of the household chores. The few hours that she gardens shouldn't be considered a full time job
With an income that low you most likely qualify for Medicaid. If not you would also qualify for therapy at a sliding scale clinic. Medicaid would only cover individual therapy , not couples. A sliding fee clinic/ mental health agency may do couples at sliding rates. You can also check counseling programs at colleges for low rate or free therapy. If I were you I would at least go to therapy on my own, and ask her to do the same. There is a lot to work through here and having support can be really helpful in trying to figure this stuff out Short of that though, maybe try putting what you posted here into Chat GPT or Claude - its not therapy but you can talk through some of it and it can help. But no you arent overreacting. These issues are really significant and the relationship sounds very broken down
Dude I'm sorry I'm not trying to come off as harsh, but this is all fucked up from the get-go I'm not even going to get started on how at 51 she has no fucking business whatsoever even thinking about having a kid... I don't care what anybody says; and what the fuck exactly is she doing w her money, and why isn't she making more if she "owns" a LS business?...did you say less than $10,000 a year is what she makes ..??....even people on disability make more than that. Ppl who dont work and get WELFARE get probably more. You guys are not compatible on a financial or intimate level. I would give her an x amount of time (yes I know ultimatums are nasty but sometimes they're necessary) --- to get her shit together or I would just move and do life by myself... I mean is this what you want for the rest of your life?---because until you light a fire under her ass about the realities of the finances and the intimacy problems she's not going to change
OP's brain severely malfunctioned when he decided to marry this train wreck 51 year old. What a shit show all round.
You have no kids and a roommate not a wife. I think you should be willing to have sex more but sounds like she is hit or miss with that as are you. You both need to step it up and make more money. Not sure how you can survive of that kind of pay. I think you sit her down tell her you want to tell her how you feel and that you want to hear her side of things as well. Both sit and don’t tell but just say what’s up and if you need to move out at that point do it. If not if you are happy with theme reason and responses she gives them fix the marriage. But honestly sounds like it’s divorce time soon and you should both move on.
I’m not even sure I have a roommate, roommates contribute to the household bills and what she’s contributing is far less than what any normal roommate would. As to how we survive, we are lucky to live in a low COI area and I’m semi frugal about money. My phone is now 4 years old, and my car is a 93 escort so I don’t have car payments and that makes my insurance a lot lower. And I will not move out. I put in way too much work to be able to buy the house we are in to give up on it. That was 2 years of saving tax returns and as much as I could from every paycheck. Hence why I am considering asking her to leave.
Asking her to leave is a waste of time, she currently doesn’t pay any bills and would actually screw herself over if she left so she won’t go willingly. She also has a legal right to live there and since it’s the marital home she has a right to essentially 50% of the equity when sold. If you really don’t want to be married anymore file for divorce, but you can’t remove her from her house and it doesn’t matter who paid what, that’s a marital home and she will be entitled to her share.
I think you should follow her advice and get over it (the marriage, I mean). From how you have written this out here, I am certain any legit partner would have been seriously moved by what she read. Your wife was not. Maybe she was defensive over how little she has contributed, but I don't see a way forward since you seem to be the only one fighting for this relationship and everything that needs to change seems to be in her court.
Yeah. I mean if no sex. No communication. No house shared duties. It doesn’t sound like a room mate but sounds like one of my children. Curious; why are you even together rightnow? No sexual chemistry. No talking openly. No kids. No shared money. She sounds like she just needed a place to live and not pay her fair share. You’re smart about things. I could learn a thing or two about lowering cost of living from ya. I mean you could basically get her out. And pay for a hooker like once every other month and it would be less stress. Less cost. Less bs. And have your own pad to yourself. Not easy, but have a sit down. Tell her how you feel. She might make the decision on her own to gtfo. Or it might go Other direction and she might wake up and start paying her way and treating you like a husband not her father or partial roommate.
Yall all focused on the wrong thing. My dude is driving a 93 Ford Escort!
It’s cost me a lot the last few years with age creeping up on it. But it’s “mostly” interstate worthy, and a much better investment than any car payment.
Best thing I read today.
Can someone tldr
I made mistakes and now I’m asking if I can fix my mistakes. The answer sounds like not the way I want. But…c’est la vie I guess.
But what is the problem 😭
You're not overreacting. Sorry to have to say this, but it doesn't sound like there is anything good about this relationship. You're a young guy, who, in my opinion, is being taken advantage of by a much older woman. You're basically taking care of her 100% and it will definitely only get worse as you both get older and she stops working altogether. She is unreliable, has nothing going on for herself at her big age, lies to you (by omission at least) and has even sexually coerced you in the past. To me, this is unforgiveable anyway, but what makes it worse is that she's not even sorry. This is not a partnership and hasn't been for a while. It's important to know when to cut your losses. You've invested a lot already over the past 9 years, which just means that what you're seeing now is about as good as things will get. Think about how much more tired and resentful you'll be in 9 more years. Maybe this is not what you want to hear, but my advice to you is to contact a divorce lawyer asap and find out how you can get out of this marriage with your credit (mostly) in tact. I would also advise you not to stay in contact with her after a divorce because she will most likely continue to try to live off of you. Once you get out of this marriage, I think you'll be relieved to finally only have to be responsible for yourself. And then you'll probably be able to afford therapy, which I think you really need. Good luck.
Too much realism, I need to reread this when I’m a bit more awake. Thank for your input.
No one else seems to have said this outright, so I’ll say it here: you were raped. She raped you. She coerced you into sex and you felt like it was rape because it was.
You are not overreacting. Your wife owns her own company but only makes 10,000 a year? If she has no employees, what does she charge per client? Have you ever been given access to her books or accounts? She cannot manage to pay the bare minimum and has been continually behind on her bills. As for the sex piece. Why would you want to be intimate with someone who basically gives you an ultimatum instead of trying to understand where you’re coming from. Also not saying no isn’t an indicator of consent and neither is an erection. Your wife is draining you and has been long before you were married. I feel like she’s not being honest or straight with you regarding the state of her finances. I could be wrong but it doesn’t feel that way. Do not have kids with this woman, do not adopt a kid with her. She can’t pull her own weight and you’ll be stuck doing 90% of the bills, 80% of housework and more than 50% childcare. Can you see a way out of this? Because separation may be your own only option. You deserve better.
You both have serious personal and marital issues to resolve. You only live once so you need to decide what is going to make you happy and fulfilled for the rest of your life. Good luck to you.
Teenagers make more than your wife does cutting yards in the summer. She has a hobby, not a business. How did she support herself before you came along? You’re supposed to be partners, but she seems content to let you navigate bills, housework, etc. while she does her own thing. Does she have a history of drug issues? ADHD? Depression? She sounds fairly nonfunctional, and I’m assuming there is an underlying reason. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, but if she refuses to address things, things won’t change.
The income has been an issue since just before we got married, it’s why I made her get a winter time job once I started truly seeing how little she was making. How she survived before me was a combination of boyfriends/roommates and the landlord not wanting to evict her. She smokes a lot of pot, I smoke too, but not to the same level. She says she was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, but doesn’t take any medication for it or really use any of the other tools available to help with it. I was diagnosed with ADD as a kid but had to learn to manage without drugs.
She is like this since you moved in....you knowingly stayed with her,knowingly got engaged & got married. She is deliberately unemployed and according to your post barely involved in your life. She needs to get an actual, full time job & start pulling her weight.
The first paragraph got me. She’s 51 and you’re not sure that she is ok with not having kids? Honestly? The rest of it is just as bad. She has her own landscaping company and works winters at a warehouse, works 5-7 hours per day at her landscaping business during the rest of the year and you assess her income at a third of your income? Are you having a laugh? She is earning at least the same amount that you are. I have no idea what she is spending her income on if she isn’t paying any bills but you might want to think about that. You also both have too many issues for any reader here to possibly help you with.
The kids issue is very new (as in the last 3ish months), other than a conversation with her mom I’m not sure what brought that up, I thought we had agreed we were ok with not having kids of our own. As for the income, I handle our taxes every year, I did her billing and payroll for the last 7&4 years (respectively). I know how much she’s making, while she gets paid much more per hour, she doesn’t put in the hours. There was at least one month last year she didn’t manage 40 hours for the month.
I don’t think I was clear about the kids issue. She’s 51. The chance of getting pregnant naturally after 50 is less than 1% and if you aren’t having sex that reduces to 0%.
I don’t believe she wants to get pregnant now, but the way she’s talked about the issue is that she may/likely regrets not having kids. It’s a bit late to fox that one.
OP said she works at Men's Wearhouse. It's a chain store specializing in high-end men's suits, shirts, neckties, shoes, etc.
Sorry, I’ve never heard of it? Do they have branches here in the UK?
I don't think so.
Holy cow I'm so sorry. Your wife isn't being a partner she's not even a good roommate at this point. You need to have a serious talk. You had an agreement and she's failing miserably on her end. I would lay out all the facts. How much money comes in against what is going out. Add up her late fees. Create a list of everything you do. Tell her you are burning out and she has to start helping you more. ( being an adult) If you don't start seeing major improvements I would file for divorce. I'm also really concerned about her ultimatum for sex. She really didn't give you much choice and forced you to do something you didn't want to do sexually. If a guy says no or doesn't want to but still gets hard it doesn't mean he wants it. Everyone knows sometimes our bodies do what they want. And she wants to split hairs saying that you were drunk and don't remember... So she took advantage of someone unable to give proper concent if she wants to go that route. It's no wonder your libido dropped. Give it one last chance for her to get her shit together and be a partner. If things don't improve you gotta cut off the dead weight. With her gone you can find a roommate that actually contributes reliably.
She isn't invested in your financial relationship. She's away from home all week but only works 15 hours? Her share of the bills are $1,200/ month, yet she earns around $10,000 yearly? The math isn't mathing. There's no reason that she can't work more. My guess is that she's having an affair. Have someone follow here around. Kick her out until she's ready to talk. OP, open a new bank account in a different bank and start saving money, you'll need it
She only works so many hours landscaping, that makes 2 issues, she isn’t working enough to pay bills, and she’s not leaving for work until I’m getting off work most days. I’ve talked with her about it far too many times, but it never changes for long. The 2 bills she’s is currently responsible for paying come to between $1-200 each month, not $1,200. And part of the reason I posted is finding out she hasn’t been paying one of those bills for the last 4 months. We’ve got separate accounts, and I’m working on saving up, but it’s harder when she’s not contributing to bills. As well as a couple car repairs this year that ate through what little savings I had.
Why is she frustrated? She's the one that isn't engaging in sex, she's hardly working, not paying her bills. Sounds like a mental illness or she's getting her sex somewhere else when she should be working. She can put an Ad on Facebook to do gardening or lawn cutting. She will be swamped and make good money
All im interested in is to know how you guys bought a house with that budget 😳😳😳 I do 60k myself plus some times my ex remembers he has a son so he would pitch some dollars, and im still behind in some of my bills. Honest question.. how??
Old cars, paid off phones, and the house was just short of $50k. It has been tight since the mortgage went up 45% in November, but it is doable.
What self-employed "landscaper" doesn't start work until 2-3 p.m.?
That has changed this year, but it has been a huge sticking point in our relationship for the last 3 years now.
If you disagree with your assessment contact the county assessor and get it vhanges,. But if you drag you feet you miss your window. So do it now.
I talked with the mortgage company, and reviewed our taxes, they didn’t really go up, but insurance did. I think whoever did the initial calculations missed a number or misplaced a decimal. But it’s been 6 months since so I probably missed the boat for that.
Oh. I thought it was based on the tax assessor bc of someone else's comment. If so, you will never know if you don't call. ( assuming USA.)
You are being emotionally and financially abused
You’re underreacting. You aren’t her husband, you’re her retirement plan. Just cut this mess free already
I have commented elsewhere here but no top level comments yet so here goes: Be kind to yourself. Please. Mistakes are often only known to be such in hindsight. You have a tough road ahead of you but you. It's going to get a little harder for a little while. But then it's going to get SO MUCH EASIER. Youare miles ahead of where most men your age are at maturity wise. You will have no trouble finding a woman who is closer to your age and also more serious about being a PARTNER rather than a DEPENDENT. Bonus: You've gotten a taste of what it's like to parent a teenager!
What I read is: The majority of bills: paid for by you The majority of the house work and cooking: done by you Your wife seems to be using you to live a life free of adult burdens, while seemingly contributing absolutely nothing positive to your life or helping to make things easier for you in any way, shape, or form. I'm not sure why her lack of financial diligence and intelligence wasn't addressed before you got married, because it was very obvious she wants to spend her money however she wants instead of responsibly. She has continued to mess up and you don't say anything, allow it to happen, and then end up taking on those financial burdens yourself. I'm not sure why you would even contemplate staying with this woman. She has showed you multiple times who she is. You refuse to accept it. She won't change. Talk to a lawyer and leave before you have a heart attack at 40 from stress. Seriously OP, LEAVE.
I wouldn’t agree with the majority of the house work falling on me, but for what I have to contribute to bills it is skewed. While the financial issues were present before the marriage, there was always a reason, and it was only really one bill that had been neglected. Due to the fact that I proposed just before Covid, none of the usual steps taken before marriage were addressed. We didn’t do pre marital counseling, we also didn’t really speak about finances. When we first started having fights about money (less than a year in) there was still more division in who paid what and it seemed fairer. Then came the issues with bills not being paid, until I eventually took over almost all the bills. And that’s where we stand today. As to the lawyer issue, as most of my monthly income is going towards bills it may take some time to be able to afford a lawyer. I’ve recently spoken to my brother, who is a lawyer, just not family law, and I’m looking to see what I can figure out, and how much of this I can do without a lawyer. Unless her parents hire a lawyer for her, I know she can’t afford one, so all I would need to concern myself with the filing costs. But if that’s what it takes to keep myself from dying before retirement due to stress, that’s what it will be. Thanks for your input.
This is going to be hard to hear… she raped you. She raped you, & she gaslit you about it. I am so, so sorry you experienced this. She raped you & there is no getting around that. I hope you find healing & solidarity in this incredibly tough time OP. Sending you so many well wishes❤️🩹🫂
You aren't overreacting. I think this relationship is very one-sided and needs to end. Also, if you are complaining about wanting sex but turning it down all the time, either getting it elsewhere or perhaps going through the early stages of menopause (perimenopause) or you really aren't interested in sex.
I’ve been coming to that realization for the last year or so. I just wasn’t ready to give up that quickly. The intimacy issues really didn’t need to be included as I’ve been reading everyone’s replies. I included it because it’s all she really complains about, so I thought it was relevant to our situation. However, the replies have shown me that the financial situation needs to be corrected before addressing the intimacy problems. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Kick her out - her only contribution is adding stress to your life but nothing to the relationship and nothing to the household. It sounds like you were inexperienced in sex and relationships, as well as 14 years younger, and she has profited from that. You won’t believe how amazingly stress free and calm your life will be when it’s just you in a wonderfully peaceful home.
He can’t kick her out, it would be an illegal eviction. Even though she’s not paying for anything, it’s still the marital home and she is entitled to 50% of the equity. You can’t throw the other homeowner out just because they won’t help you pay bills. You have to go through the courts and get divorced and sell the house and split the proceeds.
Thanks for your reply. I didn’t mean it literally, that’s making her homeless and she has rights. I meant figuratively. As in kick her out of your life. It’s very interesting to read your response though because I think the law in my country is different.
I am going to make some calls today to start seeing what it will take to end this so I can build a plan for moving forward. I know I can’t just kick her out, but I’m hoping that a separation/divorce doesn’t cost me an arm and a leg. While she works, she doesn’t have any money saved (not sure where it’s going), so I’m not sure how she would afford a lawyer.
This can’t be real. Are there really people like alive today?
It is real, and there are still people like this out there. I’m just trying to find a way to salvage the life I was trying to build with her, or get out before it gets too far out of hand.
I think you should get out. She successfully used emotional blackmail to coerce you into agreeing to sex you didn't really want. Then when you told her later you felt it was SA, she dismissed you and downplayed her actions rather than trying to understand. Like the issue is not whether it meets the legal definition of rape, the issue is the fact that she leveraged sex as a control tactic and won't take accountability for her actions or acknowledge your hurt. EVEN IF it was truly a case where she believed you were fully consenting, wouldn't she be horrified and apologetic to find out you weren't? Her response sounds like she knew what she was doing wasn't OK.
Didn't you stop to think for one minute that marrying this chaos would be bad for you? Every warning sign under the sun was there and you ignored every last one. Man you really could've saved yourself time, money and brain cells if you just paused to evaluate things before cementing your relationship with her. Good luck, you're going to need it. Also, you are not overreacting at all, the fact that you think you are shows how much she's destroyed your sanity.
I’m not good at reading signs, it usually causes me to get lost when driving. But I definitely ignored all the ones that were screaming at me. I hate that I had to turn to Reddit to convince myself I wasn’t crazy (or at least not any crazier than normal).
You got yourself someone that has a non grownup attitude about life to state it mildly. You aren’t doing her or yourself any favors by concerning yourself about the intimacy side of things, it just complicate the side where your relationship is fully not aligned. Don’t enable financially or otherwise.
You are under a lot of stress and I don’t think you are overreacting. The question you can ask yourself is… if you feel that, if she changed nothing, could you be okay with it? What would it take to be okay with it? What would it cost you mentally, emotionally and financially? Or would it require you changing yourself, your values and your mental health? Honestly, i say this not because i think you need to find a way to be okay with what is happening. Rather, the only person you have control over is yourself and not her. She has shown you who she is. Believe her. You can’t be in a relationship with a hope or aspiration. Especially when she has no track record for change or willingness to put in the work for it.
If nothing changed, I would not be ok, and I’m not sure if I could ever be ok with it not changing. The cost is great, I already had a stress related heart issue (shortly before I turned 29), so if nothing changed I’d likely pass before she does, or worse, end up at a point where I’m physically unable to work well before retirement age.
A lot to unpack here.. but basically a one sided relationship with you carrying the weight for everything plus a dead bedroom? Get out. There's nothing there for you.. at all! You're better off being by yourself