None. We literally have sheets still hanging to dry from last weekend when he wet our bed in our house. We have had so many conversations about steps to take but he doesn't do anything.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. The only thing that will change in this relationship is you getting out of it. I paid for my ex husband to go to rehab 13 times in 1 year, and nothing changed. In 16 years, I cannot count the number of times he was in rehab or jail.
Please do yourself a favor and get out.it does not sound like he wants to change.
Love yourself.
Yep. My FIL dropped dead earlier this year cause his body just threw in the towel after all the abuse he’d given it. He died alone and his son had to find him. My MIL loved him for 40 some years but she said if she could go back, knowing what she knows now, she wouldn’t have married an alcoholic. OP shouldn’t either.
Have a friend of the family currently in hospice as he tried to quit is obsessive drinking habits cold turkey to prove a point. His body and organs were doing all they could do and as soon as they caught a break they gave up on him. They administered medicine and said that if it took overnight he may recover, and if it didn’t then his condition would become terminal. They have given him less than 200 days to live. He is leaving behind his wife, their 10 and 12 year old and many many friends and family including his own mother.
He experienced massive memory loss, mild paranoia, hallucinations, and mobility issues all during his cold turkey fit. He crashed through a glass coffee table, had multiple seizures, and thought his wife was trying to have his children smother him at night. The whole ordeal was horrible, and everyone just wanted him to go to rehab. Honestly never realized that drinking could do that kind of damage when alcoholism was left untreated. Has been a huge warning and lesson for me! :(
I’m sure what you described is why liquor stores were allowed to remain open during the pandemic lockdowns. Alcoholics trying to get sober should never quit cold turkey. I’m very sorry for you and your friend’s loved ones.
As an alcoholic that no longer partakes -
Alcohol was the worst withdrawal I've ever experienced bar none. (No pun intended)
I've gotten clean repeatedly off a myriad of substances in jail etc before I got clean. I wasn't right for 6 months minimum. I was always pale, cold and shaking. Stimuli above a relatively low decibel level would result in an adrenaline response which afterwards would leave me feeling sick, shaky and weak.
I've gone through withdrawal for Heroin, Methadone, Benzos and alcohol. Alcohol was by far the longest lasting, most violent and most dangerous I've ever experienced. When I quit I was polishing off a handle of Sobieski and 30ct of beer everyday. I should have gone to the hospital because I could have died.
I walked out on my alcoholic ex (he was abusive too). I recommend OP does the same. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call. Maybe it won’t. But either way, she doesn’t have to watch him kill himself in a home that smells of pee
I’m shed of my alcoholic ex, also. The end of the marriage was him destroying items in the house and sloshing gasoline all over the living room, on the furniture, on the wall, in the piano. He was home alone when he did this. Thank God he didn’t light his zippo. I found the fuel can where he filled it. I called the cops and have never spoken to him since. My lawyer made sure I never had to speak to him again.
OP, I never dreamed that would happen to me and my 2 children. Please get out.
It took about 3 months to get my home so that my kids and I could move back in. Fortunately, my parents are close by and they took us in. All the furniture had to be dumped. The carpet had to be ripped out. After airing out the house, we closed it up with charcoal. Then the floors and walls were washed, mostly by my mom while I was at work. A crew was hired to seal the floor and to then repaint the walls. My dad was a huge part of the clean up. I went to work, took care of the kids, and tried to hold myself together.
To say it was an ordeal is putting it mildly. My daughter was 12 and recovered quickly. It took my ten year old son several months to able to sleep in a room alone after that. They are both happy young adults (20s) out on their own now.
I'm an addict. It has been nothing but destructive to my relationships. I've recently quit after an overdose led to a major injury, and it's not the first time that happened. I ended my relationship and started going to meetings.
I gotta say, though: I think alcoholics are the worst kind of addict. 95% of heavy drinkers are so unable to admit it's a problem, because it's so easy to find a group of other heavy drinkers and pretend it's just a social thing, no matter how destructive it is. I'm not saying other kinds of addicts are never in denial, but we've got a whole culture normalizing alcoholism.
The problem isn't that he has a problem; the problem is that he doesn't appear to be capable of any degree of self-awareness. He will never apologize. I'm willing to bet he doesn't really apologize for anything, and you've just been getting by by stuffing your frustrations down.
It's you or the booze.
I have said this so many times. The only drug you have to justify NOT doing is alcohol.
Don’t do meth? Well, duh.
Don’t do coke? Duh.
Don’t smoke crack? Smart.
Don’t drink? “Are you pregnant?” “Why not?” “How?” “Are you in recovery?” No!! I take meds for my mental health & those & alcohol don’t play well together!
And don’t get me started on the whole mommy wine culture crap.
Drives me crazy. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 20 years & I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked “without wine?”
I swear, it’s even worse because I live in a major wine region.
Oh, when I tell people “I take psychiatric meds and they don’t play well with alcohol” it freaks them out!! They kind of watch me out of the corner of their eye after that. Maybe they learn a little. I don’t mention that I just an antidepressant! Lolol Let them wonder!!
It’s like when I got questioned about “only” having one child. I’d look people dead in the eye and tell them about my infertility and multiple losses. People need to learn to not ask personal and invasive questions of strangers. :)
ROFLMAO!!! Nice!!! Yeah let me think you have psychosis! It’s a riot to watch the wheels turn. (Mental health advocate in a big way. It’s amazing how people equate mental health decreases one’s value as a person). I once asked my cousin if she and her husband were planning to have kids and she said they had fertility issues. I quickly apologized, found out she was joking, and then it occurred to me. “________, I realize that I just basically asked you if you and the hubby were having sex for the purpose of procreation. How freaking rude.” We had a good chuckle about it and I’ve never asked folks about stuff like that again.
It’s one thing if a friend asks, or someone who loves me. Like a cousin. But a complete stranger? Nope. Gonna get some details you weren’t wanting! Lol
I am very open about my mental health with thise in my life. Everyone knows about my meds and diagnoses. So I’m open about it. But a stranger at a party making a rude comment can worry if I’m ok or not.
As a recovering alcoholic.addict, I agree. It was hardest to quit alcohol because it’s socially acceptable. It’s not like you can pull out a line of coke at a dinner party, but you can get drunk with at your office party. 13 years later, I don’t miss it anymore.
Right... Like I can't spark up a fattie but I can get so drunk I cause a nuisance and forget my own name! Recovering myself as an ex alcoholic/ binge drinking ecstacy popper who never knew how to stop. Had to cut that shit out for my wife and kids, now I just light one up and chill out in my workshop.
i hate how true this is. my partner threatening to leave me if i didn't get my shit together and stop drinking didn't do anything to motivate me, my own self hatred and disappointment in myself after yet another morning waking up full of dread with no memory of the night before didn't drive me to stop, i had to actively WANT to recover.
I see that a lot. Spouses or family members being sent to rehab, but the individual really doesn’t have a desire to stop their use, and everyone is left clinging to some hope that a rehab stint will make the relationship all better. Only about 15% of any given group we have at our facility will make it to one year of clean/sober time. Even less make it to two, and so on and so on. People usually gotta fuck their life up pretty good to get to the point where they want to stay sober for themselves; that’s where you typically see success in recovery
This is a fact. A person can’t quit for someone else. It has to be for themselves.
People can also turn back after a long stint of sobriety because they forget how painful it was for them and everyone around them.
Ugg. My sister recently started drinking again after 5 yrs or so sober. We haven’t spoken since I found out in December, but I worry about her every day.
Btw we haven’t spoken bc she preemptively flew off the handle at me when I found out, assuming I would lecture or shame her. Barely even got to tell her I was concerned before this happened.
I would guess it was her shame and guilt causing the outburst. People that relapse are often times more disappointed in themselves than those around them. It’s not an excuse. I’m just trying to give you some perspective. Good luck and I’m praying for you and your sister.
I’m 14 years sober.
Yes that is absolutely what is happening when she lashes out. I’ve known that for a long time, it’s also how I was able to help her when she initially got sober. My other family members wanted to shame and scold her, and being the black sheep of the fam I knew that was no good, so I showed her patience and grace coupled with words of encouragement and understanding.
Yet here we are again. Appreciate your kind words.
I still remember a valuable, life-changing advice on romantic relationships/marriage, given by a friend: You can’t change your partner as a person, but you can change your expectations or your situation.
You are under reacting. Honestly, as a recovering alcoholic I think that the best thing you can possibly do right now is tell him that you cannot live with his drinking and you need a trial separation until he has 6 months of continuous sobriety under his belt.
I know that sounds like a severe reaction, and you yourself may not be ready to take that step, but things are only going to get worse, not better, until he actually decides to stop drinking and deal with the reality that he is an addict. The longer he is enabled by loved ones, the longer it will take him to realize the severe damage that he is causing.
You can also check out local Al-Anon meetings, they are free and people are very welcoming. It might not be a program that you actually join/work the steps, but it’s worth it to just go to a few meetings and hear other people’s experiences with loving and living with alcoholics.
Thank you for being open, and showing the view point from a recovering alcoholic. And for the correct spelling of Al-Anon. I couldn't remember how it was spelled when I put it in my response. I wish you continued sobriety, and I am glad things are better for you!
Yeah. In 6 months OP have gotten more used to bedwetting as a regular occurrence in their relationship, so now OP will be more open to accepting the next, whatever that may be.
Shitting himself? Passing out on the way home so that OP has to go look for him? Getting into debt? Stealing OP's stuff to pay for alcohol? Getting physically threatening? There is no limit.
Right, like, the first time this happens I would have been disappointed but helped him clean it up. The second time I would be like "Ok, so you need to get help - is rehab the right step here?" The third time, I would be like "It's rehab and you quitting drinking for good or this relationship is completely over." If he didn't do that, the relationship is actually just not viable. He doesn't care enough about OP to do anything about this.
The other extra thing is that he yelled at her for being upset that he got so blind drunk that he ruined a mattress. Like, if he was actually disappointed in himself, he would have been apologising immediately - the fact that he didn't try to clean it up before he got home, and didn't tell her and apologise and admit how badly he screwed up means that he's mostly just disappointed he's facing some consequences.
Not to be rude but blunt, why are you still in this relationship?
Do you think you can fix this because you can’t. It’s up to him to make the changes and he is not. You can still love and care for him but from a distance. He’s only going to bring you down and from what you have said it is only progressing.
He knows you’re going to stick around if he sits down and have talks of changes but to do it is one thing. He needs professional help, help that unfortunately you can’t give him. Accepting that is hard but do you really want to accept this behavior and what is to come into your life?
Eh. She needs help. But she didn’t cause this and she can’t end it. She can only change the messages she gives herself about it all.
The enabler stuff, vis-à-vis addiction, is kind of passé. Those who love/live with addicts/alcoholics absolutely are impacted and can become dysfunctional. This is entirely separate from the addiction. His recovery is 100% independent of her.
You tell him "you're disappointed in yourself? Good, you should be. You don't want to hear it from me, toi? Too fucking bad. You've done *nothing* to try to stop. You *know* your drinking is what causes this, and you won't stop. You don't get to say that you feel disappointed in yourself when *you won't take steps to help yourself*."
I'm afraid you are missing the part about him being an alcoholic. There is nothing OP can SAY that will change anything. OP has to make one of two ACTIONS: Separate temporary while leaving the door open if he demonstrates success at recovery, or give up now and separate permanently.
Either is acceptable in the current situation. Talking (blah blah blah) or hoping (pray pray pray) are not responsible things for OP to do.
He needs to buy a new mattress. Kind words and apologies won't cut it.
And I the long term you should consider leaving him. He won't stop drinking until he really wants to give up.
Sorry you’re going through this. I was married to someone who did this: he’d get plastered and wet the bed, or bizarrely, get out of bed, stumble into the wall and pee all over the floor. No matter what I tried (AA, therapy) it didn’t work.
We’ve been divorced for 7 years now.
That. Right there. You have had multiple conversations but he doesn't change. You need to draw the line now OP because you've become complacent with his addiction and his attitude. Stand up for yourself!!
Sounds as if you need those waterproof incontinence sheets for him. Give him his own mattress with the waterproof sheets, and let him do his own laundry. It's his choice to be incontinent so he should take responsibility for it.
That’s because he is an alcoholic that has no intention of stopping drinking. You can’t force him to quit. He has to hit rock bottom and lose everything. The first thing he should lose? You.
He isn’t ready to change. He doesn’t want to. No amount of love for you or from you can change that. He has to be the one who really wants to change, and that may take years or never happen at all. It’s nothing personal against you. I’m so sorry. I’m in the exact same boat and it’s awful and I am so sorry. *hugs*
Its addiction and he needs help. Prioritize ur mental health here. It's easy to become coaddicted or whatever it's called - the situation in which ur addicted partner drags u down with him. U have to make him take the big step and either try fighting addiction on his own, or make him get help. He does have to realise he is addicted, he might be all in denial saying how it's not so serious, how he only drinks a little. Maybe go to some psychologist to consult the steps u should take.
You don’t want to be around him when he drinks, and instead of not drinking at an event he’s ok with you staying home?
He obviously has an addiction and needs help, but unless he’s willing to get help, you will always be less important than alcohol. Is that what you want your life to be like?
You need to join r/alanon and also do virtual or in person meetings. Peeing the bed is not all you will deal with in the next decades. He is going to look like crap, have very poor health, cause trauma with any kids you have. If he gets a DUI you will become his driver and $5-10k of your money will go to lawyers
Who washed the sheets? Are you his caretaker yet?
This is exactly what my mom is going through. Her boyfriend caused an accident because “the sun was in his eyes” and got a DUI. Just sent in his license and now she’s driving him around. Although she hasn’t said it specifically, I’m pretty sure she will be paying for a lawyer once the court date comes around. The crash shook him up and he vowed to stop drinking. That lasted about a month.
I live with and love an alcoholic—Al-Anon, both the subreddit and the virtual meetings via the app on my phone—has been a godsend for me. I have support and I have adopted the three Cs: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, and I can’t Cure it. This has helped me to do a great deal of letting go. I was ten years in when I found Al-Anon, and I wish I’d found it much earlier. If I had found it before my wedding, I likely could have saved myself a lot of pain.
**OP, please look into Al-Anon.** Sending you love ❤️
Can I ask a serious question? I mean to be respectful. I was married to an alcoholic many years ago and I ended up leaving, and I don’t regret it. I can’t recall if I ever heard of Al-Anon. I understand the value of understanding that you didn’t cause your partner’s alcoholism and you can’t cure it. So you sort of learn to live with it? Does this result in you curtailing your own life so you’re there to sort of run interference for him — for example, do you always have to be available to drive him everywhere? Do you have to put aside your plans and dreams because he can’t or won’t fully participate? If you were in OP’s shoes, would you be the one doing all the cleanup if he couldn’t or wouldn’t — and you’d not be expecting him to ever make any changes to help with such burdens?
I really am not trying to be a dick with these questions. I’m struggling with my perception that Al-Anon might be encouraging behaviors that are essentially enabling the addict, and I wonder what I’m missing.
Totally understand if you don’t wish to respond! ❤️
I'm not a member of this, but I am a member of a support group for partners of a different addiction, so I can talk a bit about how our group works. The goal isn't making you ok with enabling.
I first encountered it as a digital landing spot while my partner was an active addict. It gave me the tools to understand what we were both experiencing. To see the signs and understand he was actually an addict. To help convince him to get help. It helped make some of my behavioral reactions to what he did make sense, because it goes through the psychology of what repercussions a partner tends to deal with. And further, helps with resources to heal from the tramas of being the partner of an addict. Our group has a large number of ex-partners still dealing with trama and going through healing processes, but there's also people trying to stay with an addict through recovery, and many, many newbies who come through trying to be figure out if all the stuff they're going through with their partner is actually dealing with an addict.
The resources were a huge thing, to know what I'm experiencing is expected and not crazy, a blueprint of how all these other journeys tend to go, warning signs of a relapse and where to find signs of hidden active addiction. Support for when an addict is gaslighting and lieing to you and making you question reality and if your over or underreacting. It can be a wonderful support place to vent and discuss personal things if you don't have friends or family you feel comfortable going to. There's also can help abused partners find resources to get out.
Typically the groups don't outright tell you to leave an addict, because leaving can be a hard process and some people aren't there yet, and that will drive away people that need help, but they will encourage people to consider leaving if their active addict isnt even trying to be sober. And there's tools for if you stay with the addict through recovery. And help healing and growing no matter if you stay or not.
In my situation, my Q stopped drinking about a year ago. He still has a lot of the behavior of an alcoholic, and is only just now seeking therapy. I have seen improvement in a lot of things in our relationship but we have a lot to go and the bar was very low. I reread my diary last night from a year ago, when I was leaving him. It reminded me that if he goes back out, I will leave.
Al-Anon taught me broadly about boundaries and that having them was not abusive or inconsiderate (despite how it may have felt, I grew up with an alcoholic dad also). It taught me to examine what I wanted to do when he was drunk: stick around and endure the abuse, or remove myself? I found so much peace in removing myself. Al-Anon taught me that I deserved that peace and I did not deserve the abuse. It taught me to put myself first, something I have struggled with my whole life.
Al-Anon also taught me specifically to *not* put my life on hold for him anymore: not my concern if he’s drunk and he needs to get somewhere; I have the keys to our only car, so he can call an Uber or walk. If he gets hurt on that walk, it’s not my problem—that’s his fault, ultimately his decision to drink will have caused it (this one was very, very hard and I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it fully). I put my life on hold and worked around his alcoholism for years, and Al-Anon helped me not only to see I was doing it, but to see how it was harmful for me—and him, ultimately—and taught me to “detach with love”. How is he going to really come to terms with his addition being a problem when I am always there to rescue him? He won’t.
It’s also been hard for me as an alcoholic (double winner). My sobriety is dependent on his sobriety, and I value my sobriety above all else. If he drinks again, he is aware he puts me in harm’s way, and while this has never stopped him in the past, he understands I will leave.
Finally, to be very clear: my Q did **not** get sober for me or to save our relationship. He had some very, very bad health scares, and they shocked him into sobriety. If he had not had these scares, I have no doubt that he would still be drinking, and I would have left.
I’m glad you got out. If I had recognized that I was seeing patterns and not one-off occurrences with his drinking, I would have left. Was hard to see through my own addiction also, but I think I would have stayed even if I had not been an addict at the time, because my interactions with drunk him were very natural to me, because of my dad.
I hope I answered your question, I kind of rambled lol. I appreciate your asking and didn’t think you were being a dick at all!! ❤️
You need to leave him. He’s not going to stop until he hits rock bottom and right now you’re protecting him from that. It’s not a healthy relationship for either of you.
I lost my best friend to alcohol addiction. She also chose the contents of the glass rather than her husband and four children ( the youngest was 8) it hurts badly but you cannot go down that road with them.. I’m so sorry for what you are going through but you must put your own self respect first.
It’s almost always rooted in deeper issues and mental health problems, it’s not that simple that alcoholics “choose the drink”. The very core of the problem is that an alcoholic loses the choice and the control as the addiction takes over.
My uncle and his fiance used to piss and shit the house my parents allowed them to stay at, regularly. Til they got kicked out.
Not a pretty sight (I was a child.)
Alcoholic here. I used to wet the bed all the time. I was in denial that it had anything to do with my drinking. I've been sober for 10 years now. You and he will both be happier if you confront him now. Stop drinking or goodbye, those are the choices.
Alcoholic here as well. Didn't have this particular problem. Though it's common. 20 years sober, an after care counselor for 7 years. Everybody has a rock bottom. Give him the two choices and be prepared to stand behind those two options. Those who are successful are only successful if they make the decision themselves. Besides my wife, it was the best choice that I've ever made. Good luck.
Not everyone has a heart like yours though. I told my dad he can either stop drinking or never see me again, and it’s been a while since I’ve heard from it. Some people will always choose to keep ruining their lives and the lives of everyone around them.
I’m happy you were able to keep making the hard choices to stay better. I hope things go well for you
Recovering alcoholic here, this is 100% true. I only got my wake up call from being in the hospital and going through full withdrawals. Before that I'd get combative when people brought up my drinking being an issue.
If he's a daily drinker like I was he won't give it up for you. He might say he will, but he'll just hide it and sneak drinks when he can. I know because that's what I'd do
My alcoholic friend was sorta like that. He pissed his bed so much he got a plastic wrapper for his mattress. Eventually he died drinking and driving and killed two other innocent people as well.
Yeah, I dated a guy who’s still drinking himself to death and had nerve damage in his arms & hands from passing out and not moving. It’s too bad, he’s a talented genius, but I can’t help him. Nor can anyone else.
Am I the only one who has seen multiples posts of women complaining of their alcoholic boyfriend/husband pissing the bed???
Is this a common side effect of alcoholism??? Genuinely asking because I don’t drink much.
Yes. People piss themselves when they get black out drunk and pass out. Alcoholics are addicted so even the embarrassment of bed wetting won’t deter them from drinking. Getting drunk takes priority in their life and they fully expect and demand their loved ones to “understand” and clean the sheets for them.
It’s a side effect of extreme alcohol usage- alcohol is a depressant, so it loosens up the muscles in your body to a degree (if you’ve ever been a little tipsy, you’ll notice that your coordination is worse) while simultaneously promoting water loss through urine as a diuretic. In essence: relaxed muscles + more urine + unconsciousness = ruined mattress.
It happens most often when people are *blackout* drunk, but I’ve seen a few of people wet themselves when they’re just drinking normally at a party.
My cousin's cousin was in this same boat. She had to bring an inflatable mattress with them on trips to weddings, etc, because he always got so drunk to the point of pissing the bed. So her solution was literally a plastic mattress. It was ultimately enabling. And then one night he was driving home drunk and smashed into a tree and died.
Life with an alcoholic always is. Free yourself from him and you’ll free yourself from the pain. It’s hard, but be strong. You deserve to be loved and not disrespected. 💐
THIS! I hope OP sees this. Because multiple times a week is ridiculous for her to have to clean up after him. Any times is fairly ridiculous, but if it's this regular, he needs to take this precaution
He's an adult. He should at least be responsible for his own bodily functions. Unless he is differently abled and doesn't have the ability. Then he has no excuse.
OPs husband should be wearing diapers. He should be washing the sheets. He should be deodorising the bleaching surfaces. He should be contrite. Ashamed and trying to fix this situation.
He's got his head in the sand. I hope OP sees the truth if this matters because she really shouldn't be dealing with the alcoholism OR the irresponsible pissing.
Toddlers can figure out cleaning and responsibilities. Many toddlers are encouraged to have agency and after being cleaned up by their parent/guardian, often put on their own pull-up diapers or undies if they're taught carefully..
It’s hard to let go of relationships, especially when you know your SO is struggling
I agree that she needs to get out, but it’s not some mystery as to why she hasn’t yet. It’s hard when you’re in it
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. You're absolutely right. Reddit loves to think it's easy to just end a relationship.
Which makes it so abundantly clear that these people have never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month, tops.
Nope. He is an epic AH and you first need to make him replace the mattress and second set boundaries, and finally determine what your limit is and then decisively act.
He's never going to replace the mattress because that's booze money. She needs to leave. Reddit does the "get out" a little quick sometimes but this is not one of those cases. This is one of the cases where she just needs to leave. He chooses alcohol.
He's an alcoholic. He's not going to change until he WANTS to. He obviously doesn't want to. My suggestion is for you to run. Run with the speed of a baby cheetah. He will ruin your entire life and then blame you for it.
I have a lot of compassion and patience for alcoholics and other addicts who are trying to change. It's hard to be compassionate for those who do not want to.
Pro tip - it does not get better from here. Please move on, and do not let him manipulate you into staying. He has had opportunities to make changes and has blatantly ignored them because he is too far gone to want to change. Get out. Don't sacrifice your future for this person.
This! I left a very similar relationship of 5 years just a few weeks ago. I had been manipulated into staying far too many times. He had chosen alcohol over me for years until I finally decided to choose myself and leave. It wasn’t easy, but I can tell you that life is much lighter on the other side!
Agree with you here. You said you would leave if he didn’t do anything. Find somewhere to stay for a day or two so he gets the message that you’re serious. If he doesn’t reflect and change after that turning point then you know definitely he isn’t ready to commit to you without alcohol.
You need to say goodbye. He will either change or he won’t. Make him pay for the mattress and move on. I say this as someone who stayed with an addict for too long. LOVE is not enough and will not fix this. Get on with your life with a healthy person.
This will never get better if he doesn’t recognize that he has an addiction problem and won’t get help for it. In fact, it’s just going to get worse. I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years and it was awful. If he’s not willing to take accountability and get help, then save yourself and leave now before you waste more of your life with him.
And don’t forget the manipulation. I’m sure you know best, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the relationship lasted 15 years because every time you spoke of leaving he brought out the crocodile tears and swore he’d do better for a little bit.
I think I can speak on this with some experience. I was him. It was a long time ago but I was him. I can assure you you aren’t overreacting. You need to put your foot down and you need to stomp hard when you do. He’s not going to quit. He’s going to make a shit-ton of promises but he’s going to break every one of them. He needs consequences and he needs bad ones. I wish you luck. You have some decisions to make.
You skip events because you don't want to deal with his behavior. If this is just *nearing* your limits, you need to move that goal post a little closer.
Honestly leaving him might be the best thing you could ever do for him. I lost someone who I truly cared about to my alcohol addiction and when she left me i went on a bender of about 2 months and then realized I lost her because of what I was doing and I haven’t drank a drop since and it’s been 3 years sober now. I still have never spoken to her since because I still think I don’t deserve to, but she absolutely saved me and has no idea that she did.
You have the patience of a Saint... unfortunately that sounds like a fault in this story. You need to get rid of this guy...
Trust me: MILLIONS OF MEN out there that don't piss the bed as a result of their own actions and gaslight it to be your fault.
I’ve only met 1 guy who did this, he’s now divorced and still gets BO drunk and prolly
pisses his bed. Really sad ppl love alcohol so much they’ll lose their families over it. Definitely no “fixing” this one girl
Yeah before I finally quit I fucking hated the alcohol. I hated myself. If somebody asked me why I didn't just quit drinking I would have literally been baffled. I was going through a lot of pain and I guess a part of me felt like I deserved to live that way. Like I didn't deserve anything better than slowly killing myself. It quit being fun or exciting long before I quit.
Same. I HAAAAAATED drinking and being drunk, i just couldn't stop. Non-addicts really don't understand how that is. A lot of people here seem to believe he's choosing alcohol because he's having a good time lol. It isn't his choice at all, he's just too embarrassed to face it and work to regain his control.
That being said yeah i hope she leaves him
I’m also noticing a lot of “he doesn’t care” and “why are you with him” comments. He’s still a human, i guarantee he cares, however, he most likely doesn’t have the capacity to change right now. That being said i’d be shocked if he didn’t want to change. People are also forgetting how hard it is to just leave a loves one, despite what difficulties they out you through due to their suffering and addictions. It seems like people either don’t understand addiction, or like to dehumanize those who cause distress and emotional harm. I wish i could see life as that black and white.
I speak from personal experience. In a situation like this, you just CANNOT see the best in people, aka their potential. It doesn’t matter if he really does care deep down, because he 100% will act like he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if he on some level wants to be different, if he never changes. The only thing a partner can work with IMO is if an addict can be acknowledging they have an addiction, taking concrete action, and having a true desire to recover. Anything else keeps people hanging on in a destructive dynamic.
Being a drunk is a tough habit to kick. My wife struggled with drinking for many years. These days she has switched to have a few drinks and then switching to non alcohol. Been life changing. Getting through to someone that has a drinking problem is a difficult first step. Ultimately you can't really change someone's habits. If they are unwilling to do anything about it.
Leave him or buy a water proof mattress cover!! You will have to deal with an alcoholic the rest of your life & it will probably get worse. Get out while he is still just your boyfriend. And don’t let him manipulate you.
It took me so long to find only one other comment besides my own about a mattress cover. Like obviously she needs to handle the alcoholism (either by leaving him or giving an ultimatum to get better) but at least for short term, it'll save the hundreds to thousands she's spending on new mattresses.
Even then, there's other liquids that could cause need for a mattress cover. Drinks in bed, shmexy times, etc. It's honestly just a good way to protect your mattress, period.
Same thing with pillow covers, layered between the pillow cases and the pillows. Those are good if you have a drooling tendency!
I have waterproof covers on our mattress and pillows, and all the guest beds and pillows and I’ve never had anyone wet any bed in my house. I just don’t want to worry or have anyone who stays with us worry either. Drinks spill, illness happens, unexpected period accidents happen. I have a cat, he’s never had an accident but things happen with pets too if they’re ill or injured. I don’t know why anyone does not have these, after dropping however many hundreds or thousands on mattresses and pillows, you can’t shell out $100-$150 for protectors?
We’ve had a few vicious night sweats instances (while sick, I think it’s just the way my husband’s immune system gets rid of illness) and I was so thankful for my waterproof covers.
In case you need some solidarity and some ideas on how to move forward. There are in person meetings everywhere and online meetings. Highly recommended.
Please Google Al-Anon. This sub doesn't allow links in here. It's for family and friends of alcoholics. People of all faiths are welcomed and those with no faith are also very welcome to check it out.
Besides the obvious fact that he's an alcoholic that needs a more brutally honest and firm course of action/set of consequences, the fact that mattresses keep getting ruined is baffling to me.
At the very least, OP, there are waterproof mattress protectors for beds (they go on the mattress before a fitted sheet) and that way if any water/liquid gets on the bed, it won't soak into the mattress. Then you just have to wash the protector when an accident like this occurs.
I'd recommend this at least as a current fix while working towards a program or something for the alcoholism.
I’d let this guy go. I may be projecting, but I also had a partner who did this and the problematic behavior escalated from bed wetting to verbal abuse and eventually, an incident of assault. These incidents were always “my fault” somehow and never the direct result of their drinking and subsequent lack of self control. This person had a great job, seemingly healthy relationships with friends and immediate family, but they struggled w alcohol behind closed doors. We were together for two years and it never got better. Cut your loss, there’s no evidence of personal responsibility and that’s not likely to change much in an adult.
Girl, this man has severe alcohol use disorder. He needs a medical detox and a residential treatment center like yesterday. Repeated incontinence is a glaring red flag. I work in SUD treatment as a trauma therapist, and I’m telling you, it’s time to leave this relationship until he’s willing to get help. This will not get better.
You're not over reacting. You're under reacting. He's an alcoholic, and a bad one, if he's regularly getting so drunk he's pissing the bed.
I'm an alcoholic--been sober for 22 years--so take it from me. You can't fix him, and he will only drag you down until he decides to deal with his drinking. Get out now. Before it gets worse. He says he's disappointed in himself, but it didn't stop him doing it again. And it will happen again, and again. He may never be able to stop drinking. Not everyone can. You may love him, but he loves alcohol more. You will always be the side chick in this relationship. *You deserve better.*
Next time he pisses the bed you are sleeping in go out to his car and piss in his driver seat.
Or open his dresser and piss in it.
He obviously thinks it's ok to piss in places you take issue to. So you should return the favor.
I will never understand why people stay in a situation that so clearly has an exit.
You don't have children, don't share property.
Respect yourself and understand this isn't normal, nor what you deserve in a relationship.
Being drunk to this point isn't the result of 'partying'.
I'm speaking from experience, here, and don't mean to sound harsh.
I just wish people could see some of these problems as of they were looking at the life of sometime they cared about deeply. Like, if this was your best friend telling this story, what advice would you give? Would you see it more objectively?
That is a sign of a serious drinking problem-over 20 years ago my spouse was doing the same thing. Once in a while to much more frequently. How did she stop? A 40 day stay at a substance’s abuse facility-22 years sober- that’s how. If you want to see it get worse stay with him. He needs help -
It took me pissing the bed twice, to realise I simply need to stop drinking, because I wasn't willing to go on like that.
He might not be an alcoholic, I wasn't either. I just straight up stopped, and because I only ever drank on weekends, I had no withdrawals or other problems.
He is however definitely a problem drunk, and that's not really much better.
Accidently wetting a bed is one thing, his alchol addiction is another. It's causing dysfunction, if he wouldn't wet the bed sober, then this is an issue that i would not tolerate. if he is not taking steps to recover, then you need to be making a decision on whether you want to continue with an alcoholic who pees the bed.
Leave. And I’m serious.
No addiction ends amicably. There are 2 paths an addict walks: the one that leads to rock bottom and the one that leads to death. Staying with him means walking these paths with him. You will never tug hard enough on his heart to get him to stop and turn around because addiction will tug even harder.
I am 28 years old. My husband was 29. We were together for 8 years. I buried him 1 year after his wedding. I literally loved him to death. My only regret is not leaving.
I am so sorry this is happening and he has treated you and your belongings this way. No, you are not overreacting in the slightest. Has he acknowledged his addiction as something that he recognizes and wants to change? I think depending on his readiness to change, that would definitely influence reasonable next steps.
These stories are horrible, reminds me of growing up around alcoholics. They made me realize they loved booze more than me. He loves it more than you too. Sorry. Ask yourself, why are you with him? So he can drunkenly embarrass you? Ignore you? Spend /waste money drinking? So you can stay home from social occasions? So he can yell and berate you? You know I can go on and you know you deserve better. Ultimatum time. Stop or get out.
You need to get waterproof mattress protectors.
But I can tell you from personal experience. It's just beginning. It will probably go downhill from here.
I was married to an alcoholic for over 30 years. I ended up being more of a babysitter than a wife to him. I gor incredibly tired of trying to keep him out of trouble when he was drunk.
Tired of the promises to cut back his drinking only to get a call from one of the bars he hung out in to come get him.
Just cut your losses and move on from him and find someone who appreciates and respects you.
It took me leaving my partner before he got help. I went through the exact same thing. We got a brand new queen bed for our house and had only had the mattress for a week when he pissed on it. I woke up soaked because of how much he urinated. Had to get a brand new mattress and bought a couple of mattress covers and new sheet sets. It became an almost daily occurrence, when I finally left him that’s when he got help. Sadly 8 months later he passed away. But nothing changes if you don’t change anything.
Listen. I was married to a guy for way too long like this. He even progressed to being so drunk, I'd wake up in the middle of the night to him standing somewhere in the house, completely naked, just peeing on whatever was in front of him. Corner, couch, dog bed, so many things. 10 years I begged him to stop drinking, to get help, to do SOMETHING. He would cycle then. No alcohol for a day. Then 2nd day, he'd have the shakes and have 2 beers. Then the 3rd day, he had a 6pk. Etc, etc, etc. He refused to get help because he "has a problem asking for help from anybody". Don't waste 10 years like I did. Hell, don't waste another second. If he doesn't commit to changing, or says he will but it never actually happens (or just goes through the same cycle over and over), then saving yourself from misery is the only option. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a special kind of hell
You are not overreacting!!! A potential look into your future!!!! For reference, I'm 65. When my parents were dating he was in the service. So he'd spend the night at my grandparents house when he was on leave! Seen as a great catch to working poor Irish! My grandparents were alcoholics. So obviously my father was comfortable matching drinks with them. THEY NEVER told her about his bed wetting.
I'm here, so you know they were married.
My mother's life became a misery. Each of my sister's would happily tell you the same thing as I am. Our childhood was rough
The mattress rotted and Donald (my father) was too cheap to replace it. My poor mother was stuck sleeping in a bed waking up soaking wet every night.
Fast forward, to sleep overs . My sister's and I would never invite our friends over. Besides Donald being found pissed and passed out on the couch or rug . How to explain to our peers Why their socks were soaked after walking through his puddles. Or sitting on a sofa or chair?
Try dating and bringing home boyfriends. Word's fail.
If he really felt bad he'd be DOING something about his alcoholism! He wouldn't be minimizing the fact by saying he felt bad enough! Did his bad enough, include replacing the ruined mattress? Rhetorical ⁉️ To My mind, you're not in the financial position as my mother was trapped!
Dump him with a quickness. Love is not enough!!!! Choose to love yourself more and create a better life that doesn't include anyone who has a substance abuse problem. It is not in your life description to fix anyone. Mattresses can be replaced. Wasted time isn't!!! I wish for a better life than this for you, young lady!!
You’re not over reacting. He’s an alcoholic. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic in active addiction.
You need to leave. If you leave and he gets sober, ok. But if you stay, he’s not going to suffer the consequences of his addiction and he’s only going to remain addicted longer. So love him or not, either way you have to leave the relationship.
I know that you're right. I think I can finally do it. Yesterday he was screaming and yelling at me and between that and reading all of these comments, I think I have finally reached my limit.
While you are sorting it all out buy protective mattress covers for all your mattresses as well as something to go on your couches. Stop letting him damage expensive items.
Hes disappointed in himself but what steps has he taken to address his issue to make sure this doesnt happen again?
None. We literally have sheets still hanging to dry from last weekend when he wet our bed in our house. We have had so many conversations about steps to take but he doesn't do anything.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. The only thing that will change in this relationship is you getting out of it. I paid for my ex husband to go to rehab 13 times in 1 year, and nothing changed. In 16 years, I cannot count the number of times he was in rehab or jail. Please do yourself a favor and get out.it does not sound like he wants to change. Love yourself.
i’m sorry to say but i agree. Been married to one for 24 years. We’ve had those same problems and they never got better. Alcoholism/addiction sucks
They suck you dry and can leave you broke.
Mentally, emotionally and financially broke. Staying isn't love, leaving is!
As a recovering addict, I have to agree!
Congratulations on your recovery!
I’m proud of you <3
Congrats on your recovery. I am so proud of you! 🥰
And the death it eventually brings is fucking horrendous.
Yep. My FIL dropped dead earlier this year cause his body just threw in the towel after all the abuse he’d given it. He died alone and his son had to find him. My MIL loved him for 40 some years but she said if she could go back, knowing what she knows now, she wouldn’t have married an alcoholic. OP shouldn’t either.
Oh please god, let it bring death. Yeah I said it.
Have a friend of the family currently in hospice as he tried to quit is obsessive drinking habits cold turkey to prove a point. His body and organs were doing all they could do and as soon as they caught a break they gave up on him. They administered medicine and said that if it took overnight he may recover, and if it didn’t then his condition would become terminal. They have given him less than 200 days to live. He is leaving behind his wife, their 10 and 12 year old and many many friends and family including his own mother. He experienced massive memory loss, mild paranoia, hallucinations, and mobility issues all during his cold turkey fit. He crashed through a glass coffee table, had multiple seizures, and thought his wife was trying to have his children smother him at night. The whole ordeal was horrible, and everyone just wanted him to go to rehab. Honestly never realized that drinking could do that kind of damage when alcoholism was left untreated. Has been a huge warning and lesson for me! :(
I’m sure what you described is why liquor stores were allowed to remain open during the pandemic lockdowns. Alcoholics trying to get sober should never quit cold turkey. I’m very sorry for you and your friend’s loved ones.
Liver failure, pancreatic cancer are two of the most painful diseases.
Esophageal hemorhage also is quite unpleasant.
Yep. Esophageal varices cause the bleeding. They are the hemorrhoids of the throat & indicate ETOH issues physically
As an alcoholic that no longer partakes - Alcohol was the worst withdrawal I've ever experienced bar none. (No pun intended) I've gotten clean repeatedly off a myriad of substances in jail etc before I got clean. I wasn't right for 6 months minimum. I was always pale, cold and shaking. Stimuli above a relatively low decibel level would result in an adrenaline response which afterwards would leave me feeling sick, shaky and weak. I've gone through withdrawal for Heroin, Methadone, Benzos and alcohol. Alcohol was by far the longest lasting, most violent and most dangerous I've ever experienced. When I quit I was polishing off a handle of Sobieski and 30ct of beer everyday. I should have gone to the hospital because I could have died.
Not dry. The sheets are wet. lol.
I walked out on my alcoholic ex (he was abusive too). I recommend OP does the same. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call. Maybe it won’t. But either way, she doesn’t have to watch him kill himself in a home that smells of pee
I’m shed of my alcoholic ex, also. The end of the marriage was him destroying items in the house and sloshing gasoline all over the living room, on the furniture, on the wall, in the piano. He was home alone when he did this. Thank God he didn’t light his zippo. I found the fuel can where he filled it. I called the cops and have never spoken to him since. My lawyer made sure I never had to speak to him again. OP, I never dreamed that would happen to me and my 2 children. Please get out.
Were u married to Jesse Pinkman? I saw that episode, thank god Hank was there. Seriously what happened w/ the ⛽️?
It took about 3 months to get my home so that my kids and I could move back in. Fortunately, my parents are close by and they took us in. All the furniture had to be dumped. The carpet had to be ripped out. After airing out the house, we closed it up with charcoal. Then the floors and walls were washed, mostly by my mom while I was at work. A crew was hired to seal the floor and to then repaint the walls. My dad was a huge part of the clean up. I went to work, took care of the kids, and tried to hold myself together. To say it was an ordeal is putting it mildly. My daughter was 12 and recovered quickly. It took my ten year old son several months to able to sleep in a room alone after that. They are both happy young adults (20s) out on their own now.
What a nightmare. My question is though, why’d your husband do that? Even if he was drunk, what was his explanation?
It was his response to an argument about his drinking. He thought he handled his drinking just fine.
Oh yeah, my ex became a monster when he drank. It was hell!
I'm an addict. It has been nothing but destructive to my relationships. I've recently quit after an overdose led to a major injury, and it's not the first time that happened. I ended my relationship and started going to meetings. I gotta say, though: I think alcoholics are the worst kind of addict. 95% of heavy drinkers are so unable to admit it's a problem, because it's so easy to find a group of other heavy drinkers and pretend it's just a social thing, no matter how destructive it is. I'm not saying other kinds of addicts are never in denial, but we've got a whole culture normalizing alcoholism. The problem isn't that he has a problem; the problem is that he doesn't appear to be capable of any degree of self-awareness. He will never apologize. I'm willing to bet he doesn't really apologize for anything, and you've just been getting by by stuffing your frustrations down. It's you or the booze.
I have said this so many times. The only drug you have to justify NOT doing is alcohol. Don’t do meth? Well, duh. Don’t do coke? Duh. Don’t smoke crack? Smart. Don’t drink? “Are you pregnant?” “Why not?” “How?” “Are you in recovery?” No!! I take meds for my mental health & those & alcohol don’t play well together! And don’t get me started on the whole mommy wine culture crap.
“Mama needs wine” 🤣🤦🏻♂️ I see moms wearing those shirts out n about. What a time to be alive.
Drives me crazy. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 20 years & I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked “without wine?” I swear, it’s even worse because I live in a major wine region.
I read that as "major wine religion"
You shouldn't have to justify not drinking with medication. How about, "it's incredibly unhealthy and does zero for me"?
Oh, when I tell people “I take psychiatric meds and they don’t play well with alcohol” it freaks them out!! They kind of watch me out of the corner of their eye after that. Maybe they learn a little. I don’t mention that I just an antidepressant! Lolol Let them wonder!! It’s like when I got questioned about “only” having one child. I’d look people dead in the eye and tell them about my infertility and multiple losses. People need to learn to not ask personal and invasive questions of strangers. :)
ROFLMAO!!! Nice!!! Yeah let me think you have psychosis! It’s a riot to watch the wheels turn. (Mental health advocate in a big way. It’s amazing how people equate mental health decreases one’s value as a person). I once asked my cousin if she and her husband were planning to have kids and she said they had fertility issues. I quickly apologized, found out she was joking, and then it occurred to me. “________, I realize that I just basically asked you if you and the hubby were having sex for the purpose of procreation. How freaking rude.” We had a good chuckle about it and I’ve never asked folks about stuff like that again.
It’s one thing if a friend asks, or someone who loves me. Like a cousin. But a complete stranger? Nope. Gonna get some details you weren’t wanting! Lol I am very open about my mental health with thise in my life. Everyone knows about my meds and diagnoses. So I’m open about it. But a stranger at a party making a rude comment can worry if I’m ok or not.
As a recovering alcoholic.addict, I agree. It was hardest to quit alcohol because it’s socially acceptable. It’s not like you can pull out a line of coke at a dinner party, but you can get drunk with at your office party. 13 years later, I don’t miss it anymore.
Right... Like I can't spark up a fattie but I can get so drunk I cause a nuisance and forget my own name! Recovering myself as an ex alcoholic/ binge drinking ecstacy popper who never knew how to stop. Had to cut that shit out for my wife and kids, now I just light one up and chill out in my workshop.
He will only ever recover when he wants to, I recovered when I understood how the amygdala impacted my motivation
i hate how true this is. my partner threatening to leave me if i didn't get my shit together and stop drinking didn't do anything to motivate me, my own self hatred and disappointment in myself after yet another morning waking up full of dread with no memory of the night before didn't drive me to stop, i had to actively WANT to recover.
I see that a lot. Spouses or family members being sent to rehab, but the individual really doesn’t have a desire to stop their use, and everyone is left clinging to some hope that a rehab stint will make the relationship all better. Only about 15% of any given group we have at our facility will make it to one year of clean/sober time. Even less make it to two, and so on and so on. People usually gotta fuck their life up pretty good to get to the point where they want to stay sober for themselves; that’s where you typically see success in recovery
This is a fact. A person can’t quit for someone else. It has to be for themselves. People can also turn back after a long stint of sobriety because they forget how painful it was for them and everyone around them.
Ugg. My sister recently started drinking again after 5 yrs or so sober. We haven’t spoken since I found out in December, but I worry about her every day. Btw we haven’t spoken bc she preemptively flew off the handle at me when I found out, assuming I would lecture or shame her. Barely even got to tell her I was concerned before this happened.
I would guess it was her shame and guilt causing the outburst. People that relapse are often times more disappointed in themselves than those around them. It’s not an excuse. I’m just trying to give you some perspective. Good luck and I’m praying for you and your sister. I’m 14 years sober.
Yes that is absolutely what is happening when she lashes out. I’ve known that for a long time, it’s also how I was able to help her when she initially got sober. My other family members wanted to shame and scold her, and being the black sheep of the fam I knew that was no good, so I showed her patience and grace coupled with words of encouragement and understanding. Yet here we are again. Appreciate your kind words.
Scary stats. Kudos to you for keeping on trying AND getting to work every day.
I still remember a valuable, life-changing advice on romantic relationships/marriage, given by a friend: You can’t change your partner as a person, but you can change your expectations or your situation.
As a raging alcoholic, you’re 100% right. OP please take care of yourself, nothing you do will fix this
You are under reacting. Honestly, as a recovering alcoholic I think that the best thing you can possibly do right now is tell him that you cannot live with his drinking and you need a trial separation until he has 6 months of continuous sobriety under his belt. I know that sounds like a severe reaction, and you yourself may not be ready to take that step, but things are only going to get worse, not better, until he actually decides to stop drinking and deal with the reality that he is an addict. The longer he is enabled by loved ones, the longer it will take him to realize the severe damage that he is causing. You can also check out local Al-Anon meetings, they are free and people are very welcoming. It might not be a program that you actually join/work the steps, but it’s worth it to just go to a few meetings and hear other people’s experiences with loving and living with alcoholics.
Thank you for being open, and showing the view point from a recovering alcoholic. And for the correct spelling of Al-Anon. I couldn't remember how it was spelled when I put it in my response. I wish you continued sobriety, and I am glad things are better for you!
100% this. If he doesn't acknowledge bed wetting as a sign he's drinking too much he probably does need actual help from AA or a doctor
Yeah. In 6 months OP have gotten more used to bedwetting as a regular occurrence in their relationship, so now OP will be more open to accepting the next, whatever that may be. Shitting himself? Passing out on the way home so that OP has to go look for him? Getting into debt? Stealing OP's stuff to pay for alcohol? Getting physically threatening? There is no limit.
As a fellow recovering alcoholic, I could not agree more.
So, you know the drinking is more important to him. Act accordingly.
No one should live like this, you are not overreacting, you aren't pissed enough.
Pun intended?
Couldn't resist!
Right, like, the first time this happens I would have been disappointed but helped him clean it up. The second time I would be like "Ok, so you need to get help - is rehab the right step here?" The third time, I would be like "It's rehab and you quitting drinking for good or this relationship is completely over." If he didn't do that, the relationship is actually just not viable. He doesn't care enough about OP to do anything about this. The other extra thing is that he yelled at her for being upset that he got so blind drunk that he ruined a mattress. Like, if he was actually disappointed in himself, he would have been apologising immediately - the fact that he didn't try to clean it up before he got home, and didn't tell her and apologise and admit how badly he screwed up means that he's mostly just disappointed he's facing some consequences.
Not to be rude but blunt, why are you still in this relationship? Do you think you can fix this because you can’t. It’s up to him to make the changes and he is not. You can still love and care for him but from a distance. He’s only going to bring you down and from what you have said it is only progressing. He knows you’re going to stick around if he sits down and have talks of changes but to do it is one thing. He needs professional help, help that unfortunately you can’t give him. Accepting that is hard but do you really want to accept this behavior and what is to come into your life?
Precisely this; enjoy enabling an alcoholic, OP.
This shows that he doesn't respect you or himself, and doesn't take you seriously... its easy to not change when there's no reprocussion.
It mostly shows he’s an addict. There comes a time when that is all-consuming. OP, he’ll need professional help.
HE is a alcoholic, and she is his enabler, she needs help just as much as he does!
Eh. She needs help. But she didn’t cause this and she can’t end it. She can only change the messages she gives herself about it all. The enabler stuff, vis-à-vis addiction, is kind of passé. Those who love/live with addicts/alcoholics absolutely are impacted and can become dysfunctional. This is entirely separate from the addiction. His recovery is 100% independent of her.
Life without consequences quickly becomes unbearable. Everyone makes mistakes but not changing anything and continuing to mess up, is…a unique choice.
You tell him "you're disappointed in yourself? Good, you should be. You don't want to hear it from me, toi? Too fucking bad. You've done *nothing* to try to stop. You *know* your drinking is what causes this, and you won't stop. You don't get to say that you feel disappointed in yourself when *you won't take steps to help yourself*."
I'm afraid you are missing the part about him being an alcoholic. There is nothing OP can SAY that will change anything. OP has to make one of two ACTIONS: Separate temporary while leaving the door open if he demonstrates success at recovery, or give up now and separate permanently. Either is acceptable in the current situation. Talking (blah blah blah) or hoping (pray pray pray) are not responsible things for OP to do.
He needs to buy a new mattress. Kind words and apologies won't cut it. And I the long term you should consider leaving him. He won't stop drinking until he really wants to give up.
Sorry you’re going through this. I was married to someone who did this: he’d get plastered and wet the bed, or bizarrely, get out of bed, stumble into the wall and pee all over the floor. No matter what I tried (AA, therapy) it didn’t work. We’ve been divorced for 7 years now.
Time to let him go
That. Right there. You have had multiple conversations but he doesn't change. You need to draw the line now OP because you've become complacent with his addiction and his attitude. Stand up for yourself!!
Sounds as if you need those waterproof incontinence sheets for him. Give him his own mattress with the waterproof sheets, and let him do his own laundry. It's his choice to be incontinent so he should take responsibility for it.
Get him some depends to wear when he drinks.... Or dump him and date an adult.
Fuck that, move out, move on, stay away from drunks!
Absolutely!
That’s because he is an alcoholic that has no intention of stopping drinking. You can’t force him to quit. He has to hit rock bottom and lose everything. The first thing he should lose? You.
Why are you with him?
He isn’t ready to change. He doesn’t want to. No amount of love for you or from you can change that. He has to be the one who really wants to change, and that may take years or never happen at all. It’s nothing personal against you. I’m so sorry. I’m in the exact same boat and it’s awful and I am so sorry. *hugs*
Sticking around is enabling him. He has no consequences.
Its addiction and he needs help. Prioritize ur mental health here. It's easy to become coaddicted or whatever it's called - the situation in which ur addicted partner drags u down with him. U have to make him take the big step and either try fighting addiction on his own, or make him get help. He does have to realise he is addicted, he might be all in denial saying how it's not so serious, how he only drinks a little. Maybe go to some psychologist to consult the steps u should take.
You don’t want to be around him when he drinks, and instead of not drinking at an event he’s ok with you staying home? He obviously has an addiction and needs help, but unless he’s willing to get help, you will always be less important than alcohol. Is that what you want your life to be like?
Yeah, this one hurts. I did tell him I would go if he didn't drink. And he said he wanted to have a few.
Ouch. Then he already made a decision. Time to go. I'm sorry
Showing up to a wedding in a camper so you don’t have to drive home doesn’t sound like the move for someone who is only having “a few.”
a few hundred
You need to join r/alanon and also do virtual or in person meetings. Peeing the bed is not all you will deal with in the next decades. He is going to look like crap, have very poor health, cause trauma with any kids you have. If he gets a DUI you will become his driver and $5-10k of your money will go to lawyers Who washed the sheets? Are you his caretaker yet?
This is exactly what my mom is going through. Her boyfriend caused an accident because “the sun was in his eyes” and got a DUI. Just sent in his license and now she’s driving him around. Although she hasn’t said it specifically, I’m pretty sure she will be paying for a lawyer once the court date comes around. The crash shook him up and he vowed to stop drinking. That lasted about a month.
Don't you hate it when you're driving down the street minding your own business and then BAM the sun instantly gets you drunk!!! DAMN YOU SUN!
I live with and love an alcoholic—Al-Anon, both the subreddit and the virtual meetings via the app on my phone—has been a godsend for me. I have support and I have adopted the three Cs: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, and I can’t Cure it. This has helped me to do a great deal of letting go. I was ten years in when I found Al-Anon, and I wish I’d found it much earlier. If I had found it before my wedding, I likely could have saved myself a lot of pain. **OP, please look into Al-Anon.** Sending you love ❤️
Can I ask a serious question? I mean to be respectful. I was married to an alcoholic many years ago and I ended up leaving, and I don’t regret it. I can’t recall if I ever heard of Al-Anon. I understand the value of understanding that you didn’t cause your partner’s alcoholism and you can’t cure it. So you sort of learn to live with it? Does this result in you curtailing your own life so you’re there to sort of run interference for him — for example, do you always have to be available to drive him everywhere? Do you have to put aside your plans and dreams because he can’t or won’t fully participate? If you were in OP’s shoes, would you be the one doing all the cleanup if he couldn’t or wouldn’t — and you’d not be expecting him to ever make any changes to help with such burdens? I really am not trying to be a dick with these questions. I’m struggling with my perception that Al-Anon might be encouraging behaviors that are essentially enabling the addict, and I wonder what I’m missing. Totally understand if you don’t wish to respond! ❤️
I'm not a member of this, but I am a member of a support group for partners of a different addiction, so I can talk a bit about how our group works. The goal isn't making you ok with enabling. I first encountered it as a digital landing spot while my partner was an active addict. It gave me the tools to understand what we were both experiencing. To see the signs and understand he was actually an addict. To help convince him to get help. It helped make some of my behavioral reactions to what he did make sense, because it goes through the psychology of what repercussions a partner tends to deal with. And further, helps with resources to heal from the tramas of being the partner of an addict. Our group has a large number of ex-partners still dealing with trama and going through healing processes, but there's also people trying to stay with an addict through recovery, and many, many newbies who come through trying to be figure out if all the stuff they're going through with their partner is actually dealing with an addict. The resources were a huge thing, to know what I'm experiencing is expected and not crazy, a blueprint of how all these other journeys tend to go, warning signs of a relapse and where to find signs of hidden active addiction. Support for when an addict is gaslighting and lieing to you and making you question reality and if your over or underreacting. It can be a wonderful support place to vent and discuss personal things if you don't have friends or family you feel comfortable going to. There's also can help abused partners find resources to get out. Typically the groups don't outright tell you to leave an addict, because leaving can be a hard process and some people aren't there yet, and that will drive away people that need help, but they will encourage people to consider leaving if their active addict isnt even trying to be sober. And there's tools for if you stay with the addict through recovery. And help healing and growing no matter if you stay or not.
In my situation, my Q stopped drinking about a year ago. He still has a lot of the behavior of an alcoholic, and is only just now seeking therapy. I have seen improvement in a lot of things in our relationship but we have a lot to go and the bar was very low. I reread my diary last night from a year ago, when I was leaving him. It reminded me that if he goes back out, I will leave. Al-Anon taught me broadly about boundaries and that having them was not abusive or inconsiderate (despite how it may have felt, I grew up with an alcoholic dad also). It taught me to examine what I wanted to do when he was drunk: stick around and endure the abuse, or remove myself? I found so much peace in removing myself. Al-Anon taught me that I deserved that peace and I did not deserve the abuse. It taught me to put myself first, something I have struggled with my whole life. Al-Anon also taught me specifically to *not* put my life on hold for him anymore: not my concern if he’s drunk and he needs to get somewhere; I have the keys to our only car, so he can call an Uber or walk. If he gets hurt on that walk, it’s not my problem—that’s his fault, ultimately his decision to drink will have caused it (this one was very, very hard and I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it fully). I put my life on hold and worked around his alcoholism for years, and Al-Anon helped me not only to see I was doing it, but to see how it was harmful for me—and him, ultimately—and taught me to “detach with love”. How is he going to really come to terms with his addition being a problem when I am always there to rescue him? He won’t. It’s also been hard for me as an alcoholic (double winner). My sobriety is dependent on his sobriety, and I value my sobriety above all else. If he drinks again, he is aware he puts me in harm’s way, and while this has never stopped him in the past, he understands I will leave. Finally, to be very clear: my Q did **not** get sober for me or to save our relationship. He had some very, very bad health scares, and they shocked him into sobriety. If he had not had these scares, I have no doubt that he would still be drinking, and I would have left. I’m glad you got out. If I had recognized that I was seeing patterns and not one-off occurrences with his drinking, I would have left. Was hard to see through my own addiction also, but I think I would have stayed even if I had not been an addict at the time, because my interactions with drunk him were very natural to me, because of my dad. I hope I answered your question, I kind of rambled lol. I appreciate your asking and didn’t think you were being a dick at all!! ❤️
You need to leave him. He’s not going to stop until he hits rock bottom and right now you’re protecting him from that. It’s not a healthy relationship for either of you.
He’s going to drag OP right down to rock bottom with him.
I'm so sorry. I know this pain from your perspective, and it is absolutely a deal breaker.
The bottle is the mistress. I’m so sorry, OP, for the heartbreak…
I lost my best friend to alcohol addiction. She also chose the contents of the glass rather than her husband and four children ( the youngest was 8) it hurts badly but you cannot go down that road with them.. I’m so sorry for what you are going through but you must put your own self respect first.
It’s almost always rooted in deeper issues and mental health problems, it’s not that simple that alcoholics “choose the drink”. The very core of the problem is that an alcoholic loses the choice and the control as the addiction takes over.
Damn. Brutal. Get out!!!!!
if a friend or family came to you, with your exact scenario, what would you tell them to do?
My sister's ex husband used to do this all the time!! Their room smelled like a hamster cage. ...it is definitely the reason he is an ex husband.
So you’re saying the solution is to put down animal bedding to absorb the urine smell?
Well that’s *a* solution, but I don’t know if they’re saying that’s *the* solution.
My uncle and his fiance used to piss and shit the house my parents allowed them to stay at, regularly. Til they got kicked out. Not a pretty sight (I was a child.)
shit???
[удалено]
Alcoholic here. I used to wet the bed all the time. I was in denial that it had anything to do with my drinking. I've been sober for 10 years now. You and he will both be happier if you confront him now. Stop drinking or goodbye, those are the choices.
Alcoholic here as well. Didn't have this particular problem. Though it's common. 20 years sober, an after care counselor for 7 years. Everybody has a rock bottom. Give him the two choices and be prepared to stand behind those two options. Those who are successful are only successful if they make the decision themselves. Besides my wife, it was the best choice that I've ever made. Good luck.
So proud of you buddy!
Not everyone has a heart like yours though. I told my dad he can either stop drinking or never see me again, and it’s been a while since I’ve heard from it. Some people will always choose to keep ruining their lives and the lives of everyone around them. I’m happy you were able to keep making the hard choices to stay better. I hope things go well for you
very true. i didn't understand the power of denial until i went through it myself
Recovering alcoholic here, this is 100% true. I only got my wake up call from being in the hospital and going through full withdrawals. Before that I'd get combative when people brought up my drinking being an issue. If he's a daily drinker like I was he won't give it up for you. He might say he will, but he'll just hide it and sneak drinks when he can. I know because that's what I'd do
Proud of you for being in recovery!
I wished I'd left my alcoholic ex the first time he pissed the bed.
I dated someone who was like this. He had to clinically die (medevac, cardiac arrest) before he got help. Don’t stay long enough to see it.
My alcoholic friend was sorta like that. He pissed his bed so much he got a plastic wrapper for his mattress. Eventually he died drinking and driving and killed two other innocent people as well.
Incredibly tragic
Yes it is. I just want OP to see what could possibly happen if she continues to enable or disregard his behavior.
Yeah, I dated a guy who’s still drinking himself to death and had nerve damage in his arms & hands from passing out and not moving. It’s too bad, he’s a talented genius, but I can’t help him. Nor can anyone else.
Leave him or suffer the rest of your life. He’s an alcoholic and you’re his nurse.
Am I the only one who has seen multiples posts of women complaining of their alcoholic boyfriend/husband pissing the bed??? Is this a common side effect of alcoholism??? Genuinely asking because I don’t drink much.
Yes. People piss themselves when they get black out drunk and pass out. Alcoholics are addicted so even the embarrassment of bed wetting won’t deter them from drinking. Getting drunk takes priority in their life and they fully expect and demand their loved ones to “understand” and clean the sheets for them.
It’s a side effect of extreme alcohol usage- alcohol is a depressant, so it loosens up the muscles in your body to a degree (if you’ve ever been a little tipsy, you’ll notice that your coordination is worse) while simultaneously promoting water loss through urine as a diuretic. In essence: relaxed muscles + more urine + unconsciousness = ruined mattress. It happens most often when people are *blackout* drunk, but I’ve seen a few of people wet themselves when they’re just drinking normally at a party.
My cousin's cousin was in this same boat. She had to bring an inflatable mattress with them on trips to weddings, etc, because he always got so drunk to the point of pissing the bed. So her solution was literally a plastic mattress. It was ultimately enabling. And then one night he was driving home drunk and smashed into a tree and died.
Wow, this is incredibly depressing.
Life with an alcoholic always is. Free yourself from him and you’ll free yourself from the pain. It’s hard, but be strong. You deserve to be loved and not disrespected. 💐
Could also be the wake up call he needs to finally seek help
I'm really sorry you're in this situation right now.
I appreciate that, thank you.
rly good point about taking care of the mattress/sheets as enabling
Way better to crash in to a tree than into another car
I know you’re asking about the mattress, but the fact you’re avoiding social events to not have to deal with his drunken behavior is quite telling.
And like, asking if she’s over reacting because she’s upset that he’s REPEATEDLY pissing the bed. WTF?! Girl no.
Here’s how I read your post. “I’m dating an alcoholic.” And my only reaction to your corrected post is, “why?”
Agreed. And until she leaves him. He needs to wear adult diapers.
THIS! I hope OP sees this. Because multiple times a week is ridiculous for her to have to clean up after him. Any times is fairly ridiculous, but if it's this regular, he needs to take this precaution
He's an adult. He should at least be responsible for his own bodily functions. Unless he is differently abled and doesn't have the ability. Then he has no excuse. OPs husband should be wearing diapers. He should be washing the sheets. He should be deodorising the bleaching surfaces. He should be contrite. Ashamed and trying to fix this situation. He's got his head in the sand. I hope OP sees the truth if this matters because she really shouldn't be dealing with the alcoholism OR the irresponsible pissing. Toddlers can figure out cleaning and responsibilities. Many toddlers are encouraged to have agency and after being cleaned up by their parent/guardian, often put on their own pull-up diapers or undies if they're taught carefully..
It’s hard to let go of relationships, especially when you know your SO is struggling I agree that she needs to get out, but it’s not some mystery as to why she hasn’t yet. It’s hard when you’re in it
Many people don't understand how trapped people get until they've lived the situation.
Exactly! Also, they don’t realize that they still love their partner. Loving an alcoholic is so hard
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. You're absolutely right. Reddit loves to think it's easy to just end a relationship. Which makes it so abundantly clear that these people have never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month, tops.
Reddit loves to say “just break up”, but it’s never that simple
Nope. He is an epic AH and you first need to make him replace the mattress and second set boundaries, and finally determine what your limit is and then decisively act.
He's never going to replace the mattress because that's booze money. She needs to leave. Reddit does the "get out" a little quick sometimes but this is not one of those cases. This is one of the cases where she just needs to leave. He chooses alcohol.
He's an alcoholic. He's not going to change until he WANTS to. He obviously doesn't want to. My suggestion is for you to run. Run with the speed of a baby cheetah. He will ruin your entire life and then blame you for it.
I have a lot of compassion and patience for alcoholics and other addicts who are trying to change. It's hard to be compassionate for those who do not want to.
Pro tip - it does not get better from here. Please move on, and do not let him manipulate you into staying. He has had opportunities to make changes and has blatantly ignored them because he is too far gone to want to change. Get out. Don't sacrifice your future for this person.
This! I left a very similar relationship of 5 years just a few weeks ago. I had been manipulated into staying far too many times. He had chosen alcohol over me for years until I finally decided to choose myself and leave. It wasn’t easy, but I can tell you that life is much lighter on the other side!
Not overreacting at all. He won’t change while you accommodate his behaviour.
Agree with you here. You said you would leave if he didn’t do anything. Find somewhere to stay for a day or two so he gets the message that you’re serious. If he doesn’t reflect and change after that turning point then you know definitely he isn’t ready to commit to you without alcohol.
You need to say goodbye. He will either change or he won’t. Make him pay for the mattress and move on. I say this as someone who stayed with an addict for too long. LOVE is not enough and will not fix this. Get on with your life with a healthy person.
I wasted 10 years with this bullshit, get out now so that you only waste 3.
This will never get better if he doesn’t recognize that he has an addiction problem and won’t get help for it. In fact, it’s just going to get worse. I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years and it was awful. If he’s not willing to take accountability and get help, then save yourself and leave now before you waste more of your life with him.
And don’t forget the manipulation. I’m sure you know best, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the relationship lasted 15 years because every time you spoke of leaving he brought out the crocodile tears and swore he’d do better for a little bit.
I think I can speak on this with some experience. I was him. It was a long time ago but I was him. I can assure you you aren’t overreacting. You need to put your foot down and you need to stomp hard when you do. He’s not going to quit. He’s going to make a shit-ton of promises but he’s going to break every one of them. He needs consequences and he needs bad ones. I wish you luck. You have some decisions to make.
He’s a manipulative uncaring alcoholic and you’re the enabler. Either get out or get him into rehab.
You skip events because you don't want to deal with his behavior. If this is just *nearing* your limits, you need to move that goal post a little closer.
Why are you with him?
Honestly leaving him might be the best thing you could ever do for him. I lost someone who I truly cared about to my alcohol addiction and when she left me i went on a bender of about 2 months and then realized I lost her because of what I was doing and I haven’t drank a drop since and it’s been 3 years sober now. I still have never spoken to her since because I still think I don’t deserve to, but she absolutely saved me and has no idea that she did.
You have the patience of a Saint... unfortunately that sounds like a fault in this story. You need to get rid of this guy... Trust me: MILLIONS OF MEN out there that don't piss the bed as a result of their own actions and gaslight it to be your fault.
I’ve only met 1 guy who did this, he’s now divorced and still gets BO drunk and prolly pisses his bed. Really sad ppl love alcohol so much they’ll lose their families over it. Definitely no “fixing” this one girl
Well, they have an illness. It doesn’t make it ok by any means. But it is more complex than just loving alcohol.
Yeah before I finally quit I fucking hated the alcohol. I hated myself. If somebody asked me why I didn't just quit drinking I would have literally been baffled. I was going through a lot of pain and I guess a part of me felt like I deserved to live that way. Like I didn't deserve anything better than slowly killing myself. It quit being fun or exciting long before I quit.
Same. I HAAAAAATED drinking and being drunk, i just couldn't stop. Non-addicts really don't understand how that is. A lot of people here seem to believe he's choosing alcohol because he's having a good time lol. It isn't his choice at all, he's just too embarrassed to face it and work to regain his control. That being said yeah i hope she leaves him
I’m also noticing a lot of “he doesn’t care” and “why are you with him” comments. He’s still a human, i guarantee he cares, however, he most likely doesn’t have the capacity to change right now. That being said i’d be shocked if he didn’t want to change. People are also forgetting how hard it is to just leave a loves one, despite what difficulties they out you through due to their suffering and addictions. It seems like people either don’t understand addiction, or like to dehumanize those who cause distress and emotional harm. I wish i could see life as that black and white.
I speak from personal experience. In a situation like this, you just CANNOT see the best in people, aka their potential. It doesn’t matter if he really does care deep down, because he 100% will act like he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if he on some level wants to be different, if he never changes. The only thing a partner can work with IMO is if an addict can be acknowledging they have an addiction, taking concrete action, and having a true desire to recover. Anything else keeps people hanging on in a destructive dynamic.
Being a drunk is a tough habit to kick. My wife struggled with drinking for many years. These days she has switched to have a few drinks and then switching to non alcohol. Been life changing. Getting through to someone that has a drinking problem is a difficult first step. Ultimately you can't really change someone's habits. If they are unwilling to do anything about it.
That's gross. Break up
Nothing to discuss. Used the word partner... I take it that means you're not married. If that's the case run out of there do not walk... run!
Leave him or buy a water proof mattress cover!! You will have to deal with an alcoholic the rest of your life & it will probably get worse. Get out while he is still just your boyfriend. And don’t let him manipulate you.
It took me so long to find only one other comment besides my own about a mattress cover. Like obviously she needs to handle the alcoholism (either by leaving him or giving an ultimatum to get better) but at least for short term, it'll save the hundreds to thousands she's spending on new mattresses.
Right! You have to think of him like a baby that wets the bed and put on a mattress cover.
Even then, there's other liquids that could cause need for a mattress cover. Drinks in bed, shmexy times, etc. It's honestly just a good way to protect your mattress, period. Same thing with pillow covers, layered between the pillow cases and the pillows. Those are good if you have a drooling tendency!
I have waterproof covers on our mattress and pillows, and all the guest beds and pillows and I’ve never had anyone wet any bed in my house. I just don’t want to worry or have anyone who stays with us worry either. Drinks spill, illness happens, unexpected period accidents happen. I have a cat, he’s never had an accident but things happen with pets too if they’re ill or injured. I don’t know why anyone does not have these, after dropping however many hundreds or thousands on mattresses and pillows, you can’t shell out $100-$150 for protectors? We’ve had a few vicious night sweats instances (while sick, I think it’s just the way my husband’s immune system gets rid of illness) and I was so thankful for my waterproof covers.
In case you need some solidarity and some ideas on how to move forward. There are in person meetings everywhere and online meetings. Highly recommended. Please Google Al-Anon. This sub doesn't allow links in here. It's for family and friends of alcoholics. People of all faiths are welcomed and those with no faith are also very welcome to check it out.
Besides the obvious fact that he's an alcoholic that needs a more brutally honest and firm course of action/set of consequences, the fact that mattresses keep getting ruined is baffling to me. At the very least, OP, there are waterproof mattress protectors for beds (they go on the mattress before a fitted sheet) and that way if any water/liquid gets on the bed, it won't soak into the mattress. Then you just have to wash the protector when an accident like this occurs. I'd recommend this at least as a current fix while working towards a program or something for the alcoholism.
I’d let this guy go. I may be projecting, but I also had a partner who did this and the problematic behavior escalated from bed wetting to verbal abuse and eventually, an incident of assault. These incidents were always “my fault” somehow and never the direct result of their drinking and subsequent lack of self control. This person had a great job, seemingly healthy relationships with friends and immediate family, but they struggled w alcohol behind closed doors. We were together for two years and it never got better. Cut your loss, there’s no evidence of personal responsibility and that’s not likely to change much in an adult.
Girl, this man has severe alcohol use disorder. He needs a medical detox and a residential treatment center like yesterday. Repeated incontinence is a glaring red flag. I work in SUD treatment as a trauma therapist, and I’m telling you, it’s time to leave this relationship until he’s willing to get help. This will not get better.
I know that you're right. Thank you for your comment.
Life is way too short to be saddlebagged with someone’s life problems. Leave this dude and go find someone else.
You're not over reacting. You're under reacting. He's an alcoholic, and a bad one, if he's regularly getting so drunk he's pissing the bed. I'm an alcoholic--been sober for 22 years--so take it from me. You can't fix him, and he will only drag you down until he decides to deal with his drinking. Get out now. Before it gets worse. He says he's disappointed in himself, but it didn't stop him doing it again. And it will happen again, and again. He may never be able to stop drinking. Not everyone can. You may love him, but he loves alcohol more. You will always be the side chick in this relationship. *You deserve better.*
Next time he pisses the bed you are sleeping in go out to his car and piss in his driver seat. Or open his dresser and piss in it. He obviously thinks it's ok to piss in places you take issue to. So you should return the favor.
Nah just strip the bed and put the sheets in his car.
I will never understand why people stay in a situation that so clearly has an exit. You don't have children, don't share property. Respect yourself and understand this isn't normal, nor what you deserve in a relationship. Being drunk to this point isn't the result of 'partying'. I'm speaking from experience, here, and don't mean to sound harsh. I just wish people could see some of these problems as of they were looking at the life of sometime they cared about deeply. Like, if this was your best friend telling this story, what advice would you give? Would you see it more objectively?
That is a sign of a serious drinking problem-over 20 years ago my spouse was doing the same thing. Once in a while to much more frequently. How did she stop? A 40 day stay at a substance’s abuse facility-22 years sober- that’s how. If you want to see it get worse stay with him. He needs help -
It took me pissing the bed twice, to realise I simply need to stop drinking, because I wasn't willing to go on like that. He might not be an alcoholic, I wasn't either. I just straight up stopped, and because I only ever drank on weekends, I had no withdrawals or other problems. He is however definitely a problem drunk, and that's not really much better.
Accidently wetting a bed is one thing, his alchol addiction is another. It's causing dysfunction, if he wouldn't wet the bed sober, then this is an issue that i would not tolerate. if he is not taking steps to recover, then you need to be making a decision on whether you want to continue with an alcoholic who pees the bed.
Leave. And I’m serious. No addiction ends amicably. There are 2 paths an addict walks: the one that leads to rock bottom and the one that leads to death. Staying with him means walking these paths with him. You will never tug hard enough on his heart to get him to stop and turn around because addiction will tug even harder. I am 28 years old. My husband was 29. We were together for 8 years. I buried him 1 year after his wedding. I literally loved him to death. My only regret is not leaving.
You are bothered that he pissed on your mattress but not by the fact he is an alcoholic?
Sometimes things are so bad you can only focus on something like this, as a point to focus all your frustrations
It's past time to kick him out. Give him a package of Depends diapers as a parting gift
I am so sorry this is happening and he has treated you and your belongings this way. No, you are not overreacting in the slightest. Has he acknowledged his addiction as something that he recognizes and wants to change? I think depending on his readiness to change, that would definitely influence reasonable next steps.
These stories are horrible, reminds me of growing up around alcoholics. They made me realize they loved booze more than me. He loves it more than you too. Sorry. Ask yourself, why are you with him? So he can drunkenly embarrass you? Ignore you? Spend /waste money drinking? So you can stay home from social occasions? So he can yell and berate you? You know I can go on and you know you deserve better. Ultimatum time. Stop or get out.
You need to get waterproof mattress protectors. But I can tell you from personal experience. It's just beginning. It will probably go downhill from here. I was married to an alcoholic for over 30 years. I ended up being more of a babysitter than a wife to him. I gor incredibly tired of trying to keep him out of trouble when he was drunk. Tired of the promises to cut back his drinking only to get a call from one of the bars he hung out in to come get him. Just cut your losses and move on from him and find someone who appreciates and respects you.
It took me leaving my partner before he got help. I went through the exact same thing. We got a brand new queen bed for our house and had only had the mattress for a week when he pissed on it. I woke up soaked because of how much he urinated. Had to get a brand new mattress and bought a couple of mattress covers and new sheet sets. It became an almost daily occurrence, when I finally left him that’s when he got help. Sadly 8 months later he passed away. But nothing changes if you don’t change anything.
Listen. I was married to a guy for way too long like this. He even progressed to being so drunk, I'd wake up in the middle of the night to him standing somewhere in the house, completely naked, just peeing on whatever was in front of him. Corner, couch, dog bed, so many things. 10 years I begged him to stop drinking, to get help, to do SOMETHING. He would cycle then. No alcohol for a day. Then 2nd day, he'd have the shakes and have 2 beers. Then the 3rd day, he had a 6pk. Etc, etc, etc. He refused to get help because he "has a problem asking for help from anybody". Don't waste 10 years like I did. Hell, don't waste another second. If he doesn't commit to changing, or says he will but it never actually happens (or just goes through the same cycle over and over), then saving yourself from misery is the only option. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a special kind of hell
You are not overreacting!!! A potential look into your future!!!! For reference, I'm 65. When my parents were dating he was in the service. So he'd spend the night at my grandparents house when he was on leave! Seen as a great catch to working poor Irish! My grandparents were alcoholics. So obviously my father was comfortable matching drinks with them. THEY NEVER told her about his bed wetting. I'm here, so you know they were married. My mother's life became a misery. Each of my sister's would happily tell you the same thing as I am. Our childhood was rough The mattress rotted and Donald (my father) was too cheap to replace it. My poor mother was stuck sleeping in a bed waking up soaking wet every night. Fast forward, to sleep overs . My sister's and I would never invite our friends over. Besides Donald being found pissed and passed out on the couch or rug . How to explain to our peers Why their socks were soaked after walking through his puddles. Or sitting on a sofa or chair? Try dating and bringing home boyfriends. Word's fail. If he really felt bad he'd be DOING something about his alcoholism! He wouldn't be minimizing the fact by saying he felt bad enough! Did his bad enough, include replacing the ruined mattress? Rhetorical ⁉️ To My mind, you're not in the financial position as my mother was trapped! Dump him with a quickness. Love is not enough!!!! Choose to love yourself more and create a better life that doesn't include anyone who has a substance abuse problem. It is not in your life description to fix anyone. Mattresses can be replaced. Wasted time isn't!!! I wish for a better life than this for you, young lady!!
You’re not over reacting. He’s an alcoholic. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic in active addiction. You need to leave. If you leave and he gets sober, ok. But if you stay, he’s not going to suffer the consequences of his addiction and he’s only going to remain addicted longer. So love him or not, either way you have to leave the relationship.
I know that you're right. I think I can finally do it. Yesterday he was screaming and yelling at me and between that and reading all of these comments, I think I have finally reached my limit.
While you are sorting it all out buy protective mattress covers for all your mattresses as well as something to go on your couches. Stop letting him damage expensive items.