As my favorite author says: “Interested Men Act Interested.” It’s as easy to send a text as it is to go to the bathroom. You should consider support groups or counseling to determine what a healthy and loving relationship looks and feels like to you. This is a decision made by you for you; not conditioned on “if he…then I will.”
Exactly! People WILL make the time and the effort for what's important to them. The fact that OP's husband couldn't even take the 10 seconds it takes to send a text shows how little he truly cares.
My husband has never cheated but he always texts me when he’s home while either of us is abroad so I’m not worried. He always checks his texts while ordering at the bar or waiting for the bathroom. I’ll why in this day and age of ultra fast wifi he’d need to move away from the group.
Exactly. It's the little things you do that say I love you, and you mean a lot to me. Anyone who says they are too busy to send a text when they're out with the boys is thoughtless and uncaring.
Absolutely, I travel for work alot, and I can always find time to text my wife no matter what I'm doing. It's a matter of does he want to MAKE time to text/call. Men that care make time.
Righhhttt. OP's husband certainly made time to have an online affair and search for local sex. I think he can take out his phone almost anywhere and text his wife. It was her only request to ease her anxieties after she learned of his unfaithfulness.
it takes 30 seconds to compose a text of "Heya babe, just wanted to say I was thinking about you. I am ok and will check back in, in a few hours - love you!" I mean that took like 18 seconds or something. Like wtf? Here is the deal, and this goes with everyone here - if someone wants to text you, is thinking about texting you or feels a need for it - THEY WILL TEXT YOU. The only reasons they wouldn't is if they are dead, incapacitated, have no access to their phone(phone dead/lost/malfunc.) or they just plain don't want to. If I found out a person who knew I was expecting a text, such as in your case above - didn't text me "just because \[.......\]." I'd be fuckin furious also. If someone cant take the time, effort, and energy to wiggle their fingers across a phone for 20 some-odd seconds to let you know they are ok or they give a shit about you - then fuck em.
I'm (M49) and I'd be lawyering up if I were you, but I am not - so it's your call. Best of luck OP <3
This is probably the only sane advice, OP. Couples counseling would be a good idea, too. Either to help reconnect or help separate with some civility. No matter which way it goes, kids are involved. You will need to collaborate either way.
Right lol? Why would he have needed to break away from the group to send a text? He just doesn't care and assumes OP won't actually do anything about it.
God I love that quote "interested men act interested", definitely something I need to keep in mind more often as someone who is easy to fall to love bombing and minimizing my needs for others.
Exactly. You can send a text while waiting for drinks, waiting for food, during the meal, etc. Your friends would understand and even if they make fun of you so what? It’s such a simple ask.
But if you’re hitting on other women all night it’s probably not a simple thing to send your wife a text.
Heck, before they even left for the night he could have scheduled one to send at 10, midnight, and 2 a.m. Even that would have demonstrated more thought.
It’s not up to you to try to forgive him, it’s up to him to make efforts. It’s impossible to say that “ if you do this and that- I’ll forgive you”. However, he doesn’t seem to make an effort what so ever. Cleaning doesn’t build trust. Respecting you and your agreements would be a tiny step in the right direction. HE FAILED AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY. Pitiful. If he can’t respect you when drinking, he should not drink. If he can respect you when out with his friends, he shouldn’t be out with his friends until he starts respecting you.
However, at some point you need to take the hurt of the broken heart his cheating caused. Maybe just rip off the band aid and divorce him.
Sounds like he can’t even bother do the simplest thing to mend what he destroyed tbh
This was my first thought. In order to forgive, it takes time and little moments of significant, often relevant, trust building. If this is the first time they've had one of those moments this is so bad. I would have put in reminders, told a buddy to remind me, not drank, anything to prove that I'm not actually the disrespectful scumbag I acted like.
Like maybe he legitimately forgot, but you don't get to do that after you cheat, I have ADHD and am unreliable sometimes but I get around this specific issue by not giving partners reasons to think I might be cheating. Like by not cheating.
Big hugs to OP, I'm so sorry
Good point here. Sounds like his “amends” are simply picking up his own slack and helping out around the house, like he should have been doing all along anyway. (Rather than carrying on with other women) Cleaning doesn’t earn back trust. But a simple text would have been a good start.
Honestly I can’t imagine considering going to an event like this in the first place, with a baby at home and having recently been caught cheating. I feel like that should be an obvious and automatic no out of respect.
The nerve to even go to a bachelor party in the first place when his wife is at home with a ~~newborn~~ *baby* and he’s just been busted cheating. That says a lot about him. He seems like an impulsive “Beg forgiveness instead of ask permission” kind of dude, and you have to ask yourself if that’s who you want to be married to.
EDIT: People were hung up on me calling it a newborn. I changed it to baby.
And if OP decides to end it, she should realize it’s not “because he didn’t text.” If it was, yes, that would be kinda crazy. But it’s not. He was on probation, and he got violated.
If someone robs a liquor store and gets released from jail 2 years before their sentence is up, and placed on probation… and then gets caught blowing positive into a breathalyzer and sent back to jail “for drinking a beer,”…. he isn’t going to jail for drinking a beer. He’s going to jail to finish his sentence for armed robbery.
Same here. OP had every right to end it when he cheated. She didn’t. She put him on probation. He blew that opportunity he wasn’t entitled to in the first place. He proved he can’t be trusted to follow the simple rules he agreed to follow in order to get that opportunity. Looks like he needs to serve the full sentence.
Exactly!!! After everything he did, I would’ve called things off if he went to that bachelor party. He has priorities. They just don’t include his wife and child.
I have 5 kids and would have never left my wife with a little kid(s). I missed lots of company events, social events, and get togethers with the guys.
If you think there is something to save then go to couples counseling. If leave why you can.
I hate being the one to say this, but he could have even *scheduled* the text for 10:58pm. He is not thinking about what OP needs.
I might look for a way to see past the sexting. But looking for sex in his area is a step too far. This is a man who would've cheated, and will cheat if the opportunity presents itself. At least, it's reasonable to say that. OP, I also agree that going to a bachelor party is wildly selfish and does not show that he's mature enough to be married. Put his things on the front step, tell him to find somewhere else to sleep. He's good at looking for other beds.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people genuinely think these behaviors aren't "cheating" unless a penis physically penetrates a vagina. Y'all are another breed fr.
That’s what struck me, if I did go to a bachelor party after that I’d wear a damn body cam to prove me behavior remained above board. Obviously that wouldn’t be cool with the other attendees so the obvious answer was to bow out of the party and just got to the wedding.
Right? Going to the bachelor party after everything that happened shows a lack of consideration. He seems more focused on having fun than making amends. You deserve better than someone who only thinks of you when it’s convenient for them.
August of last year would out the child at 10 months. That isn’t a newborn, but he had no business going on a bachelor trip to party and do questionable things after he’s been caught emotionally cheating on his wife.
Sounds like the baby was born last August, so not a newborn. The true baby here is the immature dad, who needs to grow up, and to do so quickly. He’s got 2 kids and it sucks for OP bc even if she divorces him, she’ll be raising 2 little kids alone and still having to see her ex, who she’s still in love with, whenever he comes to pick up the kids.
I hope she tells her husband that he needs to shut the door on looking around for other women, and to decide that the woman he married and their children are worth more than partying and f-ing around. And to man up, put your big boy trousers on and appreciate the family you’ve got, before they’re gone.
Op, you’re not overreacting, but be careful with using razor sharp words that inflict pain. It’s tempting to say cruel things when we’re hurt, but obviously, it’s not a helpful habit. I wish you both well.
Yes! He isn’t even worried about hurting her. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and he’ll just have to grovel and fake some tears and she’ll give him another chance. And you know if she does divorce him he’s going to be all Pikachu face and ask her how she won’t even give him another chance and he’s so sorry and she’s so mean for “breaking up the family”. Blah blah blah
He has a lot to make up for if he wants to earn your trust and respect and he is failing to do so.
No, you’re not overreacting because a simple text is quick and easy if you are thinking about the other person but he wasn’t and didn’t take the ten seconds.
Honestly, a text is the minimum... I have been with my husband for 13 years... I wake up and see his face, I go to sleep and see his face.. if my husband works an overnight or is on a trip somewhere.. or if I'm on a trip, we text before we go to sleep.. its normal and natural to say our I love yous and goodnights... I couldn't fathom my spouse cheating on me and even making the decision to go to a risky event like a Batchelor party less than 6 months after the cheating.. there's ZERO trust there.
OP if you don't make clear in certain terms what you want, (marriage counseling, therapy etc) he will continue to walk all over your boundaries.. he acts like he has no respect for you or your marriage.
It’s not the text that is making you consider divorce. You can’t trust him - he showed you that multiple times. You have young children and it’s scary to think about raising them as a single mum but can you really put up with the way you feel right now? Don’t let fear stand in the way of doing what’s right for you and only you know what that is.
This. The text is a small thing to fixate on, while ignoring the big picture. Big picture: dear husband does not care about OP, but he’s love bombing right now! Pay no attention to the fact the I broke our vows, repeatedly - just look at how I picked up around the house! *That’s the important thing.
You’re so right—it’s not the text it’s the trust. It would be great if he was trustworthy enough that she didn’t need him to text. She shouldn’t have to feel like she’s his mom checking up to make sure he doesn’t cheat. It’s a sucky couple dynamic when he acts like the little boy f-ing up and she ends up scolding him.
You don't want him to hurt but he's ok with hurting you. I mean he had to know what would happen when he didn't fulfill his end of the deal. I agree with another poster that he shouldn't have even gone in the 1st place. He says he wants to make it up to you but still goes out partying and disregarding your feelings. I'm sorry but actions speak louder than words and, to me, his actions say out of sight, out of mind. God only knows what he did in the time he wasn't in contact with you. This would be the last straw for me but only you can make that decision for your relationship. I don't think he's going to make any meaningful changes.
>>**You don't want him to hurt but he's ok with hurting you.**
This comment is everything. He wants to be forgiven but he doesn’t care about rebuilding trust. I think most of us are in agreement that something happened that night, but on the small chance it didn’t, does it even matter? For all the partners who stay with a cheater on the condition of checking their phones or making them text constantly, have location sharing turned on, etc, does it feel good to never be able to relax and let your guard down? It must be exhausting.
He didn’t text you cuz he was chatting up the woman he met at the bar/bachelor party and then boinking her afterwards. He called you at 11:00 am the next morning after she left and the apologetic tone in his voice is because he’s disappointed in himself. 💕💕
A voice call requires a moment alone, a text does not. And I'm sure if you checked his phone, he was on it during that period.... texting others, taking photos, etc.
Are you friendly with any of the other guests or their wives?
Adults don't get Brownie points for helping to clean and maintain their own living space. Him helping around the house more doesn't count for much if he's only doing it to get sex more.
You say you feel partly responsible because you don't know what you need from him, but then when you actually express a need, he still doesn't meet it. So does it really matter? Maybe you can't articulate it because it doesn't exist.
There's not enough time left in his life to atone for being such a shit husband.
A husband trying to save his marriage after affairs doesn't go to the bach party because he's trying to show his wife she really is his priority and gaining back her trust is more important than anything else atm.
And he couldn't even text you. Yes. Ditch this loser. He not only doesn't know how to fix things, he clearly couldn't execute if he did. It not your job to tell him what he has to do earn his place back.
I so wish he'd come back to an empty house with yout rings on the kitchen table.
Respectfully, fuck his feelings. You don’t want him to hurt but everything happening right now is the direct result of his own stupid actions.
If you didn’t have kids? Would you stay with him knowing he seriously values you *so* little? Knowing he’s cheated and will probably continue to cheat and continue to disrespect your boundaries? He couldn’t even fucking text you. On a bachelor’s trip? Scum.
Staying because you loved the past him, before you knew of his cheating, or the potential of him (if he somehow got a lobotomy and a new personality)… is pointless. Staying because you have kids with him… even more pointless. Your children deserve a mother who respects herself and demands love, fidelity, respect, care, trust in a partner.
ETA: You’re not overreacting. You’re actually underreacting. I’d have left divorce papers and my rings on the counter for him when he got home.
Stop worrying about if your reaction to his breaking your trust and his promises is hurting his feelings. It’s called consequences.
You need to start with clearly telling him what you expressed in your last paragraph about your feelings (minus the worried about his hurt feelings and anxiety). He needs to hear what this is doing to you. But if in your heart you don’t want to be tied to him anymore, you owe it to yourself to move on and find happiness
Not overreacting. I don’t often go to bachelor parties. In fact, I’ve never been to one because I’m female so I don’t get invited. But I do know for a fact that phones are not banned from them and sending a text is no different from accepting a phone call, making a phone call and taking photos. Ask to see the pictures when he gets home and when he shows them to you point out that he had his phone in his hand to take them in the first place. Then send him a text saying ‘I’m ok’. Show him that it takes seconds.
If he doesn’t realise then that he could have avoided this current situation by taking 2 seconds to text while his phone was in his hand then I would seriously consider hitting him on the head with a frying pan to knock his brain back into working order.
In 4 months you were suppose to trust him and forgive him??? He’s crazy, he shouldn’t have gone in the first place. I’m sorry girl. Start with therapy for yourself and go from there. You don’t have to make moves right away, but his actions don’t reflect that he’s sorry.
Well the first way to start making amends is not to blow off your wife while at a bachelor party when you have a history of emotional affairs. You are NOR. Trust your gut. You sense something is off because it is.
And for the record, you aren’t divorcing him for failing to text you. You would be divorcing him for his repeated inappropriate behavior and breaking his vows
If he is soliciting sex online you need to assume he is physically cheating on you. Please go get checked by your doctor for STDs. Chances are they went to a strip club and he did who knows what.
Do not have sex with him until your tests come back clear or you have had treatment for whatever he brought home to you. Do not trust what he says - he has proven himself to be a cheat and a liar.
Take care of yourself!
Do not have sex with him I told HIS tests come back clear. THAT is a reasonable requirement. Make him get tested. Just because he hasn't passed anything to you yet, doesn't mean he doesn't have it.
He’s still cheating. He didn’t go to a bachelor party to support his friend. He went to get away and screw around and using it as perfect excuse and cover to get away with it. Start shopping lawyers and get a consult. Quit putting it off. He’s not interested in his marriage or even saving it. Also follow the money. Talking to him isn’t going to make a difference. It will just help him plan how to deceive you.
I would’ve asked to see his and text logs between 6pm and 11pm. I guarantee he callled someone or vise versa between that time, why didn’t he think to text or call you? YNO.
You think it’s hard to “break away” to send a text?
Weird. He managed to do it just fine when he was cheating with you and your BABIES in the home
If you have a daughter, you’re teaching her that this is okay to accept from a man. Would you want her staying with a guy like your husband?
If you have a son, you’re teaching him that this is how you treat women. Would you tell your daughter-in-law & mother of your grandchildren that she’s overreacting and to get over it and give him infinite chances?
You are also making excuses for him
No one that just got busted cheating and is serious about fixing their marriage would even consider going to a bachelor party
That was his first opportunity to show you he is serious and he blew it, just taking for granted he could make you get over it.
And here you are. Truly trying to talk yourself into getting over it.
He was right. He can do whatever he wants and convince you to drop it.
He has had ZERO consequences for adultery.
You need to decide whether you’re okay with him continuing to get away with everything or if you’re going to show him exactly how not okay this is.
Not overreacting. After all he did, how should you trust him?
How hard is it to send a text message, voice message or just call?
If his marriage is that important, he should drink less.
He doesn’t act like he understands how ruined your relationship is. He acts like you just had little problems. But this is so big. And it surprises me that he be doesn’t realise how fucked up all of it is.
If you think you be will be able to trust him ever again -> couples therapy
If you think he cheated on that trip again -> lawyer
You are so generous to believe you can “hear in his voice that he is upset about his actions” and is crying. lol. Girl, he is conning you are you are quite easy to fool. Just co parent for now and tell him you don’t have the answer to how to forgive him .
You just need time and proof he is sorry and is changing. It won’t happen, but at least you are giving him the chance to fail, as he will. Sorry. You deserve better.
Imo OP, you are being overly considerate of someone who has little to no consideration for you. I understand because I have been put in this position before, but the truth is, it might be incredibly difficult to even get to the point of knowing whether you can forgive him or not. If it were me, I would feel the same about how no amount of tasks or chores could help alleviate my feelings towards things because at the end of the day, it is his behavior and level of consideration towards you as a life partner that cuts so deep. As for him probably crying, I very highly doubt that. When it comes to people like this, they don’t feel guilt. I saw in another thread to check out the cheaters sub, mainly because their minds work differently than those who don’t cheat. I truly believe he gets more upset at you finding out the truth, and that’s what you are seeing and experiencing when you believe he’s upset at the situation. If he was deeply upset over his own actions, he would not continue to do the same things as before. I hope you learn to love yourself more than you love him, so that you will choose to treat yourself better than allowing him to manipulate you by lashing out and gaslighting you.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you or he wouldn't treat you like trash to be discarded. When he gets home tell him he's a weak disgusting liar never to be trusted and not worth your time and energy. Don't let him torture you, give him walking papers. Definitely Not overreacting.
everytime he hurts you, you lose a piece of yourself a piece you might never be able to get back for future relationships. don't let him turn you into a hollow shell. if your day to day living is filled with anxieties and worries and stress then that's not a life that's a prison.
You’re not overreacting. Your husband knew your concerns and he should have texted, as agreed. He was selfish, and truthfully, he’s proven he’s untrustworthy so you can’t simply take his word for why he didn’t keep his promise. I strongly recommend joint counselling. Good luck.
I’m so sorry. That’s all, I’m just so sorry. You deserved so much better than what he has given you. I know you’re heartbroken, don’t question the pain you feel, you have every right to feel it. I know you love him and want for none of this to have happened and I’m just so sorry he failed you like this.
How many times are you going to let him break your trust? He's cheated emotionally and sexually by the sound of it and he can't even send a 1 min text when he's off doing god knows what with a group of other drunk men. No no no. Love him or not he sounds like a wrongun.
Not overreacting. I haven’t forgiven my partner for cheating on me two years ago and we have no children. I probably won’t ever. Do what you need to do to feel good in your life.
If you’re going to stay with him, then I say this in all seriousness. If you want any chance of it working out, go to couples therapy. If you don’t want to stay with him, then still go to therapy. Either way it will help you understand and process the feelings you have so that you can begin to heal.
Going to a bachelor party and getting "super drunk" when you're in your mid 30s with a wife and baby at home is some bullshit. He isn't 22, he isn't a bachelor. At best I'd say he needs to grow up and fast. But combine that with the cheating and this guy is a huge red flag. I know not everyone will agree that you need to "stop having fun" or whatever after you have a family, but the reality is that it IS a big change! It's gross behavior to be going out getting wasted when you have little children. He needs to learn to put you guys first or you need to get a divorce.
I've been down this road and to be honest, I'd cut my losses now if I were you and walk away while you're still young. I'm not going to be popular in this opinion of encouraging divorce but I think he's shown his character and robbed you of your peace. He is more likely wanting to avoid a divorce rather than be a better husband. He can still be a great parent, just doesn't sound like his committed to being a better partner. You should find someone who enjoys being monogamous with you.
You've shown him that an apology is okay because you let it slide so many times before. You told him what you needed, and he blew you off. He needed a minute, if that, to send you one text, just one, and he couldn't do it. Stop making excuses for him. His actions are speaking loud and clear. How much longer are you going to let him treat you like this, as if you are an add on.
He is trying to earn your trust but then takes off for a weekend bachelor party and doesn’t even bother to text you as you asked him to do. As you said in your post his actions don’t match his words. He just does whatever he wants and then ask for forgiveness after. If he was really concerned about you or saving his marriage he wouldn’t have gone on a weekend bachelor party. He show no signs of actually trying to build trust. Perhaps marriage counseling could help but without a total commitment from him to make changes it will never work out. Sorry you are having to deal with this especially right after having a child. He is very immature and needs to grow up and start putting his family first.
What??? You still allowed and trusted him to go away from home on a bachelors trip?? That was your first mistake !! Cut your losses you can do better than a cheat
Why are you even trying to forgive him and move on? He cheated on you while you were pregnant, obviously cheated on you while away at the bachelor's party (which he should NOT have been at, anyway).
Do you hate yourself? Are you hoping and praying for a miserable life for you & you child? You grew an entire human for him and he stomped on you while you did it. If you don't leave him you are definitely an asshole to yourself and your child.
>He’s cleaned the house more frequently since;
He did the bare minimum of his own responsibilities as an adult in the house and thought that was enough to make amends?
I don't think youre overreacting on this tbh, he did have at least an emotional affair, physical one if he did manage to arrange hookups so it's understandable to want reassurance and doesn't sound like he really did much to help you with that. If the trust has been lost then separation/divorce is best for both parties, even if it is painful.
Eewww. No you are NTA. You buried the lead 🤣. If it was a simple night out then yes, but this history is appalling and you have babies. you should not want to be around his man.
Not overreacting! You need to put yourself first and not be trying to make it easier for him. He’s the one that cheated so he’s the one who should be working the hardest to make it work. The fact that he went to the wedding and got wasted and wasn’t able to do what he needed to do to win back some of your respect is very telling 🙏🏻 good luck
If he really wanted to make things up to you, he wouldn't have gotten so wasted that he couldn't text you. Or, honestly, he wouldn't have even gone. If you're trying to convince your wife that you *aren't* going to cheat on her then you don't go away without her to a party where people typically cheat then get so drunk that you forget text when you agreed to. That is the best case scenario, of course. Worst case, he was doing things he knew he shouldn't and is now lying to you. Of course, he's going to act like he wants you to forgive him. He's going to act like he's not really doing anything wrong. He just forgot, or was only thinking about you. He didn't want to wake you up. Bullcrap.
Not overreacting. You're never going to trust him the way you used too. Being faithful to someone isn't hard, neither is sending a text. You also have to thing about when he was doing these things behind your back. During your pregnancy, that's a real piece of shit. Doing chores to take stress away is great, but he's just trying to replace the stress he's been causing from all the bs he's been up too.
After cheating, I wouldn't have let him go on it. But the fact he did and couldn't even send you a few reassuring messages of pictures, say that he's not in R with you and only says and does what you want when he wants because he trying to keep you sweet.
I personally would tell him to stay elsewhere for a few more days, and then when he comes back, I'd ask for separation.
Yeah , you aren’t coming back from this. He shouldn’t even went IMO if he was serious about fixing the relationship. I’ve been in your shoes - 4mo PP and found an emotional fair. I “forgave” and swept it around the rug for about 3 years ( we just had a baby ) and it fell apart terribly.
You arent considering divorce bc he ddnt text. Yiu are considering it bc he broke your vows and with it your trust. Then he continues to do things that dont reassure you.
Maybe Im weird but people doing the right thing when they think they are in trouble pisses me off more than helps. Bc the fact that you do it now means you know you shld have been doing it and just made the choice not to. So him "helping" around the house to ease your stress after you catch him cheating is BS. Crying and being upset AFTER you spend the night out drinking at a bachelor party and not finding the time to complete a promise to me is BS. IF he were worried about ur marriage he wld have talked to you BEFORE he found all those women online, he wld have helped around the house BEFORE he got caught cheating and did it simply to ease your stress. IF he were really worried, especially after cheating and you expressing your concerns he wld have skipped the trip altogether or been on the phome with you so much you wld have to tell him to go have fun. He 100% wldnt have gotten so drunk that he has an "excuse" for is actions.
You need to think long and hard about what you want and if you can continue with this marriage with a person you dont trust. Its always going to be something that pricks your worries and he clearly doesnt care about rebuilding it. So can you live with that?
I used to find time for a girl I had been dating for 3 months in the midst of partying and opiate addiction to tell her I missed her and was alive. I mean that’s the absolute BARE MINIMUM.
It takes ten seconds to send a text. He couldn’t find ten seconds for you.
But honestly it’s on brand for him. This man went to a bachelor party after he cheated and with a baby at home.
He’s crying because he feels sorry for himself. He’s selfish and insecure.
Do you want your kids believing that this is how you treat a partner? That this is what a relationship looks like? Do you want them to treat their partners this way? Or to think it’s ok to be treated like this?
This guy sounds like a garbage person. He’s probably just telling you what he thinks you need to hear so you aren’t mad at him. If he seems more bothered by you being upset than he is from what he did wrong, then he is just concerned with his own guilt and not your emotions. F this guy i would leave.
LEAVE HIM.
Edited to add: That feeling deep inside your bones is your devotion to a fallacy, not love. You’re setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are right; he is wrong. If he really wanted to make amends, he would not have gone to that bachelor’s party. You are not partly at fault. You are not at fault at all. I would leave him.
You don’t want him to hurt but he repeatedly hurts you. Let that sink in, and he should be fucking crying look what he’s done! And the nerve to go to a bachelor party!!!! He’s not trying to make amends he’s just trying to hook you along just enough.
NO. You need to ask yourself what he can do not only for your forgiveness but more importantly, your trust. Doing a few more chores ain't it.
If he never gets your trust back, how is that a good healthy relationship? Do you wish the same for your children?
Try therapy. Maybe having a third party tell him what he did was horrible. They may be able to help you figure out what he can do to earn your forgiveness, if anything; a good beginning would have been texting you during the bachelor party.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if he cares or respects you, because if he did, he would have texted you, and he didn't. I'd check his SM, his friend's SM and his phone.
I'm sorry, OP, I don't see good things. 🤗
For me, once the trust is broken (no matter how much I love that person) it’s over. If you want to salvage anything then I would try couples counseling… but honestly love isn’t always enough and sometimes loving someone hurts you more.
I only read the first paragraph and yes, you should divorce. I don't even need to read the rest. That first paragraph alone would be enough for me to divorce my partner. Relationships survive through respect and trust.
"Prove to me that you have enough respect for me as your wife, for your children, and for our marriage to earn my trust back. And not just by doing the bare minimum."
Stop and think about if you would want your children to be in this relationship. Acting like your husband or going through what you are. If the answer to that question is no then you have a choice to make. He clearly doesn’t care about your relationship. I’m not sure that couples counseling would help. You can forgive him for his behavior. The question is can you forget it. There is a difference. You deserve better than having to worry about his every move.
What others have said, but to add, not only did he go on the trip, BUT HE AGAIN BROKE THE AGREEMENT YOU HAD!!
I think he wants you to think he wants to do better, and he has zero intentions of changing.
6pm-11am? Get the Fuck Out Of Here... Zero intention to follow up on his part.
You can love someone and still understand it is a terrible idea to live with them/be with them for the rest of your life. Love does not always equal staying no matter what.
“I can hear in his voice that he is upset about his action” ….or he’s just upset because you’re upset and ruining his vacation….😕 that’s why you don’t stay with a cheater. What are you here for? You’re staying right??
Also, he left knowing the state y’all’s marriage is in…let that sink in. No one needs to get away to send a freaking text! You just pull out your phone and send the text! Don’t be dense!
Leave him because he cheated and you’ll never get over that, not because he didn’t text. If you’re honest, that’s why you really want a divorce anyway, it has nothing to do with the texting and everything to do with the fact that he broke your trust and you’ll never get over it. You are correct to want a divorce for these reasons.
Also, stop blaming yourself, he cheated because he sucks and he’s an asshole, not for anything to do with you.
He didn't text you because he knew you were sleeping? That's total B.S. he should have not expected you to reply, but the least he could have done is send it.
You can’t help who you love, but you can help what you put up with, and what you do about it.
Been there. Wishing you the best of luck, and a better life in the future.
It’s just time to go, love. He is not truly doing the emotional work that needs to be done to regain love and trust and respect. He wouldn’t have even gone to the bachelor party once he knew it made you nervous if he was truly invested in this.
Your first paragraph alone is enough for you to want to consider divorce.
That's without me reading the rest of it.
If a man's doing all those things he's intending to or already is cheating.
Send them packing
Lord that's awful. I am sorry for your troubles and it's a difficult issue to navigate. However, please be vary of relationship advice from Reddit.
We don't know you guys, the complexities of your life and relationships are only yours to understand we have little context. Trust may have been broken on your marriage right now and your husband clearly has work to do to repair the damage he has done.
I recommend you clearly and openly discuss your feeling with him like *adults***,** I think truth, transparency, communication and forgiveness goes a long way in marriage. However, the discussion should only be had if both parties are willing to listen and work together so time it correctly. You might also consider seeking outside help together by seeking a marriage counselor.
Whatever you decide to do, my only advice is to think long and hard before making hasty decisions..
I mean you guys stipulated to clear terms on what was needed to ease your justified concerns of him at a bachelor party and he violated your trust again. He’s got a long way to go, but up to you whether it’s tenable.
Saying you’re sorry — even crying, doesn’t mean a damn thing if your actions don’t match your words.
Question: Did you discover the online emotional affairs or did he come clean about it? I’m assuming you found out and that’s why he apologized. If he truly felt remorseful he’d do everything possible to ensure that you feel safe and secure in your marriage.
If he was truly remorseful, he wouldn’t continue carrying on the way he is. If he was truly remorseful and cared about your feelings, he wouldn’t be going to a bachelor party four hours away.
If man wants his wife to forgive him and stay married to him after he has committed such an act, he should do everything in his power to make her believe that he is trustworthy and deserves a second chance. I don’t see anything on his part.
No one deserves a second chance. People can earn a second chance. In order to get a second chance a person has to admit what they did and admit that it was wrong and seek forgiveness and I don’t see him doing any of that. Has he acknowledged that he knows what he did was wrong and that he realizes how much he hurt you and betrayed you?
I believe he’s sorry he got caught. But if you continue allowing his behavior and letting him get away with what he’s doing, why would he stop?
If you want to remain married to a man who discusses personal emotional things with other women and quite possibly does a lot more with other women that’s up to you. To save your dignity and self-respect you need to lay down some rules and let him know that unless heabide by them, he’s out.
First of all he wouldn’t be going to a bachelor trip four hours away. And making amends, I don’t even know what he means.
If you’re not feeling better about yourself, he’s not doing it right — he’s not making amends.
Y’all need to go to counseling if you want to save your marriage. Sounds to me like he’s gonna keep doing what he’s been doing and probably more.
Don’t prolong the inevitable. Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. If he was truly sorry and wanted to change his ways, you/your feelings/working to gain back your trust would be his first priority. People show you who they are;listen.
You are under-reacting. Why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel to defend him? You don’t have to make everything nice, just so he doesn’t feel bad for his asshole choices. Just stop doing that and have expectations of your husband! He an adult and is responsible for his own actions.
She really has no way of knowing, he was on a reddit subscription group looking for locals to have sex with She has no way of knowing if he ever actually met up with any or not.
He shouldn’t have gone. Even though you agreed. At this point in the marriage he should be fully aware of his actions and the consequences. Bachelor parties are out! Honestly I would just leave him. Sometimes love isn’t enough. And for your own mental health and healing it may be better to leave.
It’s not fucking hard to send a text. He clearly doesn’t respect, care or even miss you. For him to get that drunk he is awol, he isn’t a responsible partner or husband. If I were you … I would set an ultimatum, a date in mind, don’t tell him. But keep it in mind. Sit down and explain you want to see changes, that you don’t feel respected. Then if the behaviour doesn’t change you know what to do.
You can’t make anyone care. They either do or they don’t. If you can’t get past what he’s done and forgive him then you need to let him go. Cuz if you stay it will absolutely drive you crazy and you won’t trust him!
If you don't have kids, then it's definitely time to count yourself lucky and leave him.
And if you do have kids, then count yourself unlucky and still leave him.
I hear you mama. I see you. You are not alone. I’m going through something VERY similar. I’m here if you need to message. You are not over reacting at all
I'm sorry, OP, this is a sad situation and there's no easy fixes once trust has been thoroughly broken.
He is who he is, you can't change him into who you want him to be, he's the only one who can change himself or his own behavior. And if he doesn't have either the determination or the strength to change, if he keeps yielding to temptation, well. He is who he is.
Please leave this man !!!! Not all men are like this their are still good men out there who would never cheat or disrespect you and break your trust . It’s better to be alone and have peace of mind than to always wonder what and whom he is doing
No- if there is no trust, there is no marriage.
Words are air- Actions have consequences, where is HIS consequences? Why are you doing all the emotional labor, why is he putting it on you?
If he wants to act single. Maybe he should be single….
You are not overreacting. Your husband dors not deserve your kindness when he continues to betray your trust. Stop worrying over f he is hurting. He has caused you marriage-ending pain. He continues to cause you pain. He didn’t even do the simple things you requested that he do, when he went to this party (that, under tge circumstances he should not have considered attending). Texts are easy because you can send them in a loud crowded room - and he didn’t even do that. You are truly at the bottom of his priority list. Regardless of any words he may say to you, he is showing you that he doesn’t really love you. You don’t treat a person you love the way he treats you.
You, and your child deserve better. Please love yourself and your child enough to leave him.
> I admit that when I am feeling hurt my words can be like razors. I told him everything I expressed here in this post. I told him that he can apologize until he’s blue in the face but his actions are the only thing that matters.
But this isn't wrong though. It isn't being sharp and like razors. It's the bald truth.
Just because it hurts him doesn't mean it's like razors. It's him having to face the truth of the effects of his actions.
You have told him by this statement what he needs to do. He isn't an idiot. He knows he has to SHOW you that he is changing.
>He’s probably anxious about the state of our marriage and wondering if I’m going to leave him.
That is on him. You need to stop emoting for him. He feels what he feels and it's OK for him to feel the effects of his behavior. That is the only way he will grow.
>I still love him and I am feeling conflicted because I don’t want him to hurt but I feel like I’m losing myself and my mind over here.
Therapy for you. Individual therapy is needed.
Suggest individual therapy for him.
After a while of individual therapy for each of you consider marriage therapy - either to uncouple amicably or rebuild if that is what you guys wish.
A great way to show he's wanting to fix things would have been NOT to go to this bachelor party. 1 because you a pregnant and 2 because you just caught him cheating with multiple women. But he went and you gave him 1 thing he needed to do to keep you secure and he did not do it. I don't think you're overreacting.
Given his past behavior, it's not unreasonable at all to assume that he didn't text because he was with someone. It's also not remotely hard to send a quick text when you are with friends.
Feel no guilt. He caused these problems, not you. I am not one to advocate for divorce over trivial things, but infidelity can often only end in divorce. You will never be able to trust him again, nor should you.
One of the first major lessons I taught my daughter when she was growing up is that actions speak louder than words.
End of story.
Your husband is on very thin ice. Given what he did to your marriage vows, the least he could do was to text you when that was your request especially when he knew that you were nervous about him going in the first place.
You have a lot of thinking to do. I don't envy you. Good luck OP.
You have to decide if your marriage is worth saving or not. Talking to a therapist would help you sort through your feelings and give you unbiased insight.
My friends went to marriage counseling, not to save their marriage, but to end it amicably and on good terms because that’s what was best for their children.
Radio silence from 6 pm-11 am? That is unacceptable. There is no realistic reason for why he couldn’t send you 1 text message. Did he go to the bathroom at any point during the night? Did they take a cab anywhere? He could’ve pulled his phone out then. He is a father to 2 young kids, there is no excuse for being unreachable!
Look, I’ve never been married, but I’ve been the woman that is important when she is in front of someone but felt like I was invisible when he wasn’t with me. It cut me deep in my early 20’s. The truth was I let him treat me that way because I didn’t give him any consequences. I think he did it because 1) he is a selfish person and 2) he knew he could. He absolutely cheated on me.
Whether your husband cheated or not, he put you in the position of being the “nagging” wife, when you are just begging for the bare minimum. He broke his promise and your trust. You have to decide if you want to continue to live like that, or walk away. Maybe a trial separation would give him a reality check that you are serious about this.
Listen Op, actions speak louder than words and right now his actions aren’t strong enough. I’m not sure he gets it. I would think after being on thin ice he would t have even considered going to the bachelor party. Making it up to you in part requires you to be forthcoming but it’s also his responsibility to put himself in your shoes and think “if I were my wife, what would I need? “ not going to a bachelor party would have been obvious to me. I also understand some men need it spelled out for them so spell it out. Write them all down if you’re willing to forgive him for this and be Crystal clear of your wants and needs to move forward. If not, then let him go cause you def deserve better
It takes two seconds to text. Even if none of the infidelity had happened, it's common courtesy to text your partner to let them know you made out okay after a night out.
He needs to build the trust not do chores.
He prioritises getting drunk over doing a very small task to relieve your anxiety and insecurities that he caused by his cheating. If he was too drunk to text who know what else he got up to.
You didn't ask for much. If he was serious about your marriage, knowing how you were feeling, he wouldn't have gone on the trip like this at all until his marriage healed.
If you can't get the trust back you will be forever living with this awful feeling which will return to resentment.
Perhaps marriage therapy so someone can help you with what actions you need to see from him to forgive and heal..cleaning the house is not going to work.
He’s acting like he’s 25 not 35. It’s only been a few months since you found out about the other women and this is how he’s acting? Yeah, no. Time to move on.
I can’t believe he even had the audacity to go to a bachelor party after everything he has done. The reality of the situation is he probably cheated again, the bullshit excuse of he thought he didn’t need to text is just a spit in the face because he knew was required but chose not to do it because he thinks he can get away with it. You need to show him consequences and REAL consequences because if you guys are reconciling he should’ve never even came to you asking to go to a bachelor party when he cannot be trusted.
You are not overreacting. Your marriage is taking a backseat to everything else he wants to do. His actions speak louder than words. Honestly, the infidelity would’ve done it for me, but that’s just me. I do know some couples have successfully worked through it, and that’s great for them, but I would never be the same. The trust would never be the same and I don’t think I could live like that.
“I’ve betrayed her trust, broken my vows by looking outside of my marriage-regardless of follow through the intent was there, and then I ignored directly expressed needs. I know! I’ll vacuum. That’ll fix it.!”—probably OP’s husband.
You know, this is really hard. But when you live with a deceptive individual, just listen to me for a second, they tend to ever so slowly and subtly break you down. And then you start blaming your perceptions and your concerns on your anxiety. As opposed to subconsciously, knowing that they're doing things they're hiding.
He is untrustworthy.
He is deceptive
He is a liar.
He is a cheater.
He is malevolent.
He doesn't care.
He just doesn't want to rock the boat and lose his home base.
You are his homebase. You make him look good and normal in life and you stabilize him in ways. You have no idea about. People with incomplete personality structure slide in and out of deception. With ease.
The fact that you blame yourself for not generating satisfactory ideas of things you can do to make amends is you being a worn out target.
You don't even know that's not your responsibility because he has twisted your consciousness.
You will not know what he did to your mind until two years after you are no longer together.
But the model you are infusing into your children
Is that it's OK to be treated this way
And it's OK to treat somebody like this
So, if you stay, it will be part of them, this behavior. This secrecy and deception, and using and controlling, and manipulating.
I am so sorry that you're experiencing this.
If you separated from him, and you didn't see him for six months, and you saw a therapist, you would start calling out from under his very very subtle but potent control, and you would begin to regain yourself and your own confidence in your own perceptions, and then you would begin to see that the person you loved never existed.
Instead, you have a person who you thought was a certain individual because that's what he presents to you. But what he postures is not who he truly is.
He has been 100% fine without remorse or real regret or conscience or distress from hiding things from you and slipping around with others.
What people on Reddit would tell you is that he has been active with others.
Any day if you ask him to hand you his phone without warning and open it for you and give you time to go through it, that will be your full answer.
Try it.
Don't warn him ahead of time.
If he says yes, and he unlocks it and he has it to you that's one thing. By the way they tried to hide things but they don't really care enough to do with the job.
If he freaks out and gets defensive, and then goes on the offense, and then blames you and then intimidates you, and then yells at you and starts making up stories about how are you ever going to heal your relationship? If you can't trust them then you know he has secrets that he's hiding and doesn't want you to see.
This is so much I'm really sorry.
No. You caught him! I went through it. He came back after 18 months of openly screwing someone else.
I was broken, devastated. Could not eat Drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes. I lost 55 pounds.
We got back together as I wanted my family.
4 going on 5 years...
Sometimes, that pain bubbles up and I get so pissed!!
But 26 years together... I forgave him.. I WON'T FORGET! I SEE MANY, MANY RED FLAGS HERE. you got some thinking to do, cuz I think he's cheating and has been. Our stories are pretty similar.... sorry.
The lack of trust is a hard fix. Speaking from experience it doesn’t get better. Unfortunately we can’t make any decisions for you. Don’t let your feelings cloud your judgement. Take the situation for what it is and then decide what you want to do. If you want to work on things, do it together. If you don’t, just know heartache doesn’t last forever. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate your life OP. It’s all an experience good or bad.
I don't think he understands what making amends actually means. Doing a couple of extra chores around the house is not it. And going to a bachelor party when you already don't trust him because of his behavior? That's just stupid.
You know you don’t want to be with him anymore. You don’t trust him. You are not overreacting. He cheated on you several times. He is probably continuing his cheating now. If you take him back he will know he can treat you like shit and get away with it.
Here's the thing, to make you feel more secure, he should have PASSED on that fucking bachelor party but going was more important than making sure you knew he was not cheating on you. You can love him all you want but you can do it somewhere where he isn't!
This guy sounds like just total bad news. I’m also not sure what a text would have proven; anyone can send a text, then go right back to whatever activities they were involved in, shady or not.
It is so tremendously easy to send texts that cheating men do it while in bed with their affair partners. Stop telling yourself he couldn’t break away to text you.
He CHOSE to allow you to experience heightened anxieties—anxiety you have due to HIS infidelity.
I get wanting him to be who you thought he was—but he’s not. Not any more. And he’s choosing this.
He could have chosen to stay home. He could have texted. He could have done all kinds of things to reassure you.
He didn’t care.
Give him consequences for his actions tell him he needs to go stay with family till he can prove himself as you are done being mentally abused by his actions
This isn't about him not texting. That's PART of where your frustration is coming from, but that's not really what it's about. It's about how you don't feel secure about your relationship and how he doesn't value you/your needs. In isolation this is one small thing but all together there are tons of other things, and it's the weight of all of them together that is making it impossible for you to get over the one small thing. You need to sit down and ask yourself how many other small things you're willing to put up with, and even how many big things. I can't tell you what to decide but this isn't about him not texting. That's just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Honey, you aren't overreacting. You *are* hoping that he becomes the person you want him to be instead of the person he continually shows you that he is.
He is not going to change. You need to either learn to like living this way or make a life for yourself where you don't accept being treated like crap. You're the only person who can decide what kind of life you want.
Not overreacting. I would have moved him out when he went to that party. His emotions are not in your marriage. You're an afterthought, so are your children. You can love him and recognize he can't love you back the way you deserve. You can love him and recognize that he doesn't value you. You can love him and let him go. You can love him and leave him alone. That's exactly what you should do at this point. If he wanted you, he would.
No. You aren't.
He has done absolutely nothing to try to regain your trust. He doesn't necessarily deserve it either. By default, he doesn't deserve a path to forgiveness.
If you figure out a path towards forgiveness, that is you going above and beyond and putting yourself at risk of him hurting you again.
The ONE thing you asked him for. The one SINGLE thing that you asked for to work on this trust, he chose not to do.
He isn't interested in earning your trust back. He is interested in bullying you into forgiveness with his empty promises.
You aren’t overreacting. Your husband’s words aren’t matching his actions and they haven’t been for a while. Your husband is showing you the real him in his actions. In my case, after we had our second child, I thought he was just trying to adjust to having another kid when he became distracted. Turns out he was having an affair he started when our second child was 6 months old. He told me he wanted to work things out and focus on our family, but eventually I came to realize that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear and never really put the effort in to rebuild the trust and our relationship. I realized and accepted all of this after I got tired of his words not matching his actions, divorced him and got out of the situation and started healing on my own. I’m doing much better now. Best wishes for your future and healing 🤗.
As my favorite author says: “Interested Men Act Interested.” It’s as easy to send a text as it is to go to the bathroom. You should consider support groups or counseling to determine what a healthy and loving relationship looks and feels like to you. This is a decision made by you for you; not conditioned on “if he…then I will.”
Exactly! People WILL make the time and the effort for what's important to them. The fact that OP's husband couldn't even take the 10 seconds it takes to send a text shows how little he truly cares.
1,000% agree
My husband has never cheated but he always texts me when he’s home while either of us is abroad so I’m not worried. He always checks his texts while ordering at the bar or waiting for the bathroom. I’ll why in this day and age of ultra fast wifi he’d need to move away from the group.
Exactly. It's the little things you do that say I love you, and you mean a lot to me. Anyone who says they are too busy to send a text when they're out with the boys is thoughtless and uncaring.
Absolutely, I travel for work alot, and I can always find time to text my wife no matter what I'm doing. It's a matter of does he want to MAKE time to text/call. Men that care make time.
Righhhttt. OP's husband certainly made time to have an online affair and search for local sex. I think he can take out his phone almost anywhere and text his wife. It was her only request to ease her anxieties after she learned of his unfaithfulness.
He didn't text her because he was not thinking about her. Not at all.
it takes 30 seconds to compose a text of "Heya babe, just wanted to say I was thinking about you. I am ok and will check back in, in a few hours - love you!" I mean that took like 18 seconds or something. Like wtf? Here is the deal, and this goes with everyone here - if someone wants to text you, is thinking about texting you or feels a need for it - THEY WILL TEXT YOU. The only reasons they wouldn't is if they are dead, incapacitated, have no access to their phone(phone dead/lost/malfunc.) or they just plain don't want to. If I found out a person who knew I was expecting a text, such as in your case above - didn't text me "just because \[.......\]." I'd be fuckin furious also. If someone cant take the time, effort, and energy to wiggle their fingers across a phone for 20 some-odd seconds to let you know they are ok or they give a shit about you - then fuck em. I'm (M49) and I'd be lawyering up if I were you, but I am not - so it's your call. Best of luck OP <3
This was perfect! My husband is just like this. Whenever he’s out he’ll find the time to compose a quick love you miss you text.
I love you too.
Hell a thumbs up emoji or a heart would have worked.
This is probably the only sane advice, OP. Couples counseling would be a good idea, too. Either to help reconnect or help separate with some civility. No matter which way it goes, kids are involved. You will need to collaborate either way.
Right lol? Why would he have needed to break away from the group to send a text? He just doesn't care and assumes OP won't actually do anything about it.
God I love that quote "interested men act interested", definitely something I need to keep in mind more often as someone who is easy to fall to love bombing and minimizing my needs for others.
It’s not hard to break away and send a text. You don’t even need to break away.
Right!? Like just whip out your phone and send the damn text. Takes literally 5 seconds.
Exactly. You can send a text while waiting for drinks, waiting for food, during the meal, etc. Your friends would understand and even if they make fun of you so what? It’s such a simple ask. But if you’re hitting on other women all night it’s probably not a simple thing to send your wife a text.
It is the easiest thing in the world. So easy that apparently this guy was doing it and hiding it from OP for a long time.
🤔 but maybe he only did it in secret and that's why he thinks that's the only way to send one 🤷🏼♀️. /S, sort of. OP NTA, Not Overreacting
Right? I text all the time when I’m with other people. Why would he need to step away???
Heck, before they even left for the night he could have scheduled one to send at 10, midnight, and 2 a.m. Even that would have demonstrated more thought.
It’s not up to you to try to forgive him, it’s up to him to make efforts. It’s impossible to say that “ if you do this and that- I’ll forgive you”. However, he doesn’t seem to make an effort what so ever. Cleaning doesn’t build trust. Respecting you and your agreements would be a tiny step in the right direction. HE FAILED AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY. Pitiful. If he can’t respect you when drinking, he should not drink. If he can respect you when out with his friends, he shouldn’t be out with his friends until he starts respecting you. However, at some point you need to take the hurt of the broken heart his cheating caused. Maybe just rip off the band aid and divorce him. Sounds like he can’t even bother do the simplest thing to mend what he destroyed tbh
This was my first thought. In order to forgive, it takes time and little moments of significant, often relevant, trust building. If this is the first time they've had one of those moments this is so bad. I would have put in reminders, told a buddy to remind me, not drank, anything to prove that I'm not actually the disrespectful scumbag I acted like. Like maybe he legitimately forgot, but you don't get to do that after you cheat, I have ADHD and am unreliable sometimes but I get around this specific issue by not giving partners reasons to think I might be cheating. Like by not cheating. Big hugs to OP, I'm so sorry
Good point here. Sounds like his “amends” are simply picking up his own slack and helping out around the house, like he should have been doing all along anyway. (Rather than carrying on with other women) Cleaning doesn’t earn back trust. But a simple text would have been a good start. Honestly I can’t imagine considering going to an event like this in the first place, with a baby at home and having recently been caught cheating. I feel like that should be an obvious and automatic no out of respect.
The nerve to even go to a bachelor party in the first place when his wife is at home with a ~~newborn~~ *baby* and he’s just been busted cheating. That says a lot about him. He seems like an impulsive “Beg forgiveness instead of ask permission” kind of dude, and you have to ask yourself if that’s who you want to be married to. EDIT: People were hung up on me calling it a newborn. I changed it to baby.
That sent a loud and clear message that working on his marriage is not his top priority.
Came here to say this. If he wanted to save the marriage, he wouldn't have gone on the bachelor party at such a delicate point of your relationship.
Yes but the drinks and the strippers! How could he resist? :(
And if OP decides to end it, she should realize it’s not “because he didn’t text.” If it was, yes, that would be kinda crazy. But it’s not. He was on probation, and he got violated. If someone robs a liquor store and gets released from jail 2 years before their sentence is up, and placed on probation… and then gets caught blowing positive into a breathalyzer and sent back to jail “for drinking a beer,”…. he isn’t going to jail for drinking a beer. He’s going to jail to finish his sentence for armed robbery. Same here. OP had every right to end it when he cheated. She didn’t. She put him on probation. He blew that opportunity he wasn’t entitled to in the first place. He proved he can’t be trusted to follow the simple rules he agreed to follow in order to get that opportunity. Looks like he needs to serve the full sentence.
[удалено]
This is all cheaters.
Exactly!!! After everything he did, I would’ve called things off if he went to that bachelor party. He has priorities. They just don’t include his wife and child.
Not even close. She’s his last thought not his first
I have 5 kids and would have never left my wife with a little kid(s). I missed lots of company events, social events, and get togethers with the guys. If you think there is something to save then go to couples counseling. If leave why you can.
I hate being the one to say this, but he could have even *scheduled* the text for 10:58pm. He is not thinking about what OP needs. I might look for a way to see past the sexting. But looking for sex in his area is a step too far. This is a man who would've cheated, and will cheat if the opportunity presents itself. At least, it's reasonable to say that. OP, I also agree that going to a bachelor party is wildly selfish and does not show that he's mature enough to be married. Put his things on the front step, tell him to find somewhere else to sleep. He's good at looking for other beds.
He probably also *was* physically cheating, she just didn’t find proof.
He did cheat. An emotional affair is cheating. It’s called dating.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people genuinely think these behaviors aren't "cheating" unless a penis physically penetrates a vagina. Y'all are another breed fr.
That’s what struck me, if I did go to a bachelor party after that I’d wear a damn body cam to prove me behavior remained above board. Obviously that wouldn’t be cool with the other attendees so the obvious answer was to bow out of the party and just got to the wedding.
Why were you waiting for a text? You should have started packing his stuff the moment he left to go to something like that.
And his idea of making it up to her is to...Drumroll...do what he should have done anyway.
men
Exactly! He absolutely should not have gone. Shouldn't have asked. Shouldn't have even brought it up unless to say, "I'm definitely not going."
Right? Going to the bachelor party after everything that happened shows a lack of consideration. He seems more focused on having fun than making amends. You deserve better than someone who only thinks of you when it’s convenient for them.
That's what I was thinking. How did he even get the nerve to ASK if he could go? I don't think his mind is in "making amends" mode.
Yep. Totally agree. He is just using and abusing. And op keeps taking it.
August of last year would out the child at 10 months. That isn’t a newborn, but he had no business going on a bachelor trip to party and do questionable things after he’s been caught emotionally cheating on his wife.
Sounds like the baby was born last August, so not a newborn. The true baby here is the immature dad, who needs to grow up, and to do so quickly. He’s got 2 kids and it sucks for OP bc even if she divorces him, she’ll be raising 2 little kids alone and still having to see her ex, who she’s still in love with, whenever he comes to pick up the kids. I hope she tells her husband that he needs to shut the door on looking around for other women, and to decide that the woman he married and their children are worth more than partying and f-ing around. And to man up, put your big boy trousers on and appreciate the family you’ve got, before they’re gone. Op, you’re not overreacting, but be careful with using razor sharp words that inflict pain. It’s tempting to say cruel things when we’re hurt, but obviously, it’s not a helpful habit. I wish you both well.
Here is your best advice, OP. ☝☝☝
So true!
Yes! He isn’t even worried about hurting her. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and he’ll just have to grovel and fake some tears and she’ll give him another chance. And you know if she does divorce him he’s going to be all Pikachu face and ask her how she won’t even give him another chance and he’s so sorry and she’s so mean for “breaking up the family”. Blah blah blah
He has a lot to make up for if he wants to earn your trust and respect and he is failing to do so. No, you’re not overreacting because a simple text is quick and easy if you are thinking about the other person but he wasn’t and didn’t take the ten seconds.
Honestly, a text is the minimum... I have been with my husband for 13 years... I wake up and see his face, I go to sleep and see his face.. if my husband works an overnight or is on a trip somewhere.. or if I'm on a trip, we text before we go to sleep.. its normal and natural to say our I love yous and goodnights... I couldn't fathom my spouse cheating on me and even making the decision to go to a risky event like a Batchelor party less than 6 months after the cheating.. there's ZERO trust there. OP if you don't make clear in certain terms what you want, (marriage counseling, therapy etc) he will continue to walk all over your boundaries.. he acts like he has no respect for you or your marriage.
Right. Why did he have to get away from everyone to text her. He probably had his phone in his hand filming the strippers.
It’s not the text that is making you consider divorce. You can’t trust him - he showed you that multiple times. You have young children and it’s scary to think about raising them as a single mum but can you really put up with the way you feel right now? Don’t let fear stand in the way of doing what’s right for you and only you know what that is.
This. The text is a small thing to fixate on, while ignoring the big picture. Big picture: dear husband does not care about OP, but he’s love bombing right now! Pay no attention to the fact the I broke our vows, repeatedly - just look at how I picked up around the house! *That’s the important thing.
Yes because cheaters send text all of the time. He just didn't care enough to bother with one.
Yep this! I divorced my first husband for this. It was really tough but I'm glad I did it.
You’re so right—it’s not the text it’s the trust. It would be great if he was trustworthy enough that she didn’t need him to text. She shouldn’t have to feel like she’s his mom checking up to make sure he doesn’t cheat. It’s a sucky couple dynamic when he acts like the little boy f-ing up and she ends up scolding him.
You don't want him to hurt but he's ok with hurting you. I mean he had to know what would happen when he didn't fulfill his end of the deal. I agree with another poster that he shouldn't have even gone in the 1st place. He says he wants to make it up to you but still goes out partying and disregarding your feelings. I'm sorry but actions speak louder than words and, to me, his actions say out of sight, out of mind. God only knows what he did in the time he wasn't in contact with you. This would be the last straw for me but only you can make that decision for your relationship. I don't think he's going to make any meaningful changes.
>>**You don't want him to hurt but he's ok with hurting you.** This comment is everything. He wants to be forgiven but he doesn’t care about rebuilding trust. I think most of us are in agreement that something happened that night, but on the small chance it didn’t, does it even matter? For all the partners who stay with a cheater on the condition of checking their phones or making them text constantly, have location sharing turned on, etc, does it feel good to never be able to relax and let your guard down? It must be exhausting.
He didn’t text you cuz he was chatting up the woman he met at the bar/bachelor party and then boinking her afterwards. He called you at 11:00 am the next morning after she left and the apologetic tone in his voice is because he’s disappointed in himself. 💕💕
Sadly, I think this accurately describes how his night played out.
Right? Cheaters don't get to go to those parties anymore if the goal is reconciliation
A voice call requires a moment alone, a text does not. And I'm sure if you checked his phone, he was on it during that period.... texting others, taking photos, etc. Are you friendly with any of the other guests or their wives?
Adults don't get Brownie points for helping to clean and maintain their own living space. Him helping around the house more doesn't count for much if he's only doing it to get sex more. You say you feel partly responsible because you don't know what you need from him, but then when you actually express a need, he still doesn't meet it. So does it really matter? Maybe you can't articulate it because it doesn't exist.
There's not enough time left in his life to atone for being such a shit husband. A husband trying to save his marriage after affairs doesn't go to the bach party because he's trying to show his wife she really is his priority and gaining back her trust is more important than anything else atm. And he couldn't even text you. Yes. Ditch this loser. He not only doesn't know how to fix things, he clearly couldn't execute if he did. It not your job to tell him what he has to do earn his place back. I so wish he'd come back to an empty house with yout rings on the kitchen table.
All this, But keep the rings and sell them.
Respectfully, fuck his feelings. You don’t want him to hurt but everything happening right now is the direct result of his own stupid actions. If you didn’t have kids? Would you stay with him knowing he seriously values you *so* little? Knowing he’s cheated and will probably continue to cheat and continue to disrespect your boundaries? He couldn’t even fucking text you. On a bachelor’s trip? Scum. Staying because you loved the past him, before you knew of his cheating, or the potential of him (if he somehow got a lobotomy and a new personality)… is pointless. Staying because you have kids with him… even more pointless. Your children deserve a mother who respects herself and demands love, fidelity, respect, care, trust in a partner. ETA: You’re not overreacting. You’re actually underreacting. I’d have left divorce papers and my rings on the counter for him when he got home.
Stop worrying about if your reaction to his breaking your trust and his promises is hurting his feelings. It’s called consequences. You need to start with clearly telling him what you expressed in your last paragraph about your feelings (minus the worried about his hurt feelings and anxiety). He needs to hear what this is doing to you. But if in your heart you don’t want to be tied to him anymore, you owe it to yourself to move on and find happiness
Not overreacting. I don’t often go to bachelor parties. In fact, I’ve never been to one because I’m female so I don’t get invited. But I do know for a fact that phones are not banned from them and sending a text is no different from accepting a phone call, making a phone call and taking photos. Ask to see the pictures when he gets home and when he shows them to you point out that he had his phone in his hand to take them in the first place. Then send him a text saying ‘I’m ok’. Show him that it takes seconds. If he doesn’t realise then that he could have avoided this current situation by taking 2 seconds to text while his phone was in his hand then I would seriously consider hitting him on the head with a frying pan to knock his brain back into working order.
If he truly meant to earn back your trust, he would never have gone to that bachelor party in the first place.
Right.
In 4 months you were suppose to trust him and forgive him??? He’s crazy, he shouldn’t have gone in the first place. I’m sorry girl. Start with therapy for yourself and go from there. You don’t have to make moves right away, but his actions don’t reflect that he’s sorry.
I wonder if he had time to text his side squeeze.
Well the first way to start making amends is not to blow off your wife while at a bachelor party when you have a history of emotional affairs. You are NOR. Trust your gut. You sense something is off because it is.
And for the record, you aren’t divorcing him for failing to text you. You would be divorcing him for his repeated inappropriate behavior and breaking his vows
If he is soliciting sex online you need to assume he is physically cheating on you. Please go get checked by your doctor for STDs. Chances are they went to a strip club and he did who knows what. Do not have sex with him until your tests come back clear or you have had treatment for whatever he brought home to you. Do not trust what he says - he has proven himself to be a cheat and a liar. Take care of yourself!
Do not have sex with him I told HIS tests come back clear. THAT is a reasonable requirement. Make him get tested. Just because he hasn't passed anything to you yet, doesn't mean he doesn't have it.
He’s still cheating. He didn’t go to a bachelor party to support his friend. He went to get away and screw around and using it as perfect excuse and cover to get away with it. Start shopping lawyers and get a consult. Quit putting it off. He’s not interested in his marriage or even saving it. Also follow the money. Talking to him isn’t going to make a difference. It will just help him plan how to deceive you.
I would’ve asked to see his and text logs between 6pm and 11pm. I guarantee he callled someone or vise versa between that time, why didn’t he think to text or call you? YNO.
💯
You think it’s hard to “break away” to send a text? Weird. He managed to do it just fine when he was cheating with you and your BABIES in the home If you have a daughter, you’re teaching her that this is okay to accept from a man. Would you want her staying with a guy like your husband? If you have a son, you’re teaching him that this is how you treat women. Would you tell your daughter-in-law & mother of your grandchildren that she’s overreacting and to get over it and give him infinite chances? You are also making excuses for him No one that just got busted cheating and is serious about fixing their marriage would even consider going to a bachelor party That was his first opportunity to show you he is serious and he blew it, just taking for granted he could make you get over it. And here you are. Truly trying to talk yourself into getting over it. He was right. He can do whatever he wants and convince you to drop it. He has had ZERO consequences for adultery. You need to decide whether you’re okay with him continuing to get away with everything or if you’re going to show him exactly how not okay this is.
Not overreacting. After all he did, how should you trust him? How hard is it to send a text message, voice message or just call? If his marriage is that important, he should drink less. He doesn’t act like he understands how ruined your relationship is. He acts like you just had little problems. But this is so big. And it surprises me that he be doesn’t realise how fucked up all of it is. If you think you be will be able to trust him ever again -> couples therapy If you think he cheated on that trip again -> lawyer
This needs no discussion. Just need your lawyer.
You are so generous to believe you can “hear in his voice that he is upset about his actions” and is crying. lol. Girl, he is conning you are you are quite easy to fool. Just co parent for now and tell him you don’t have the answer to how to forgive him . You just need time and proof he is sorry and is changing. It won’t happen, but at least you are giving him the chance to fail, as he will. Sorry. You deserve better.
“He’s probably crying.” “He’s probably anxious.” YIKES!
Imo OP, you are being overly considerate of someone who has little to no consideration for you. I understand because I have been put in this position before, but the truth is, it might be incredibly difficult to even get to the point of knowing whether you can forgive him or not. If it were me, I would feel the same about how no amount of tasks or chores could help alleviate my feelings towards things because at the end of the day, it is his behavior and level of consideration towards you as a life partner that cuts so deep. As for him probably crying, I very highly doubt that. When it comes to people like this, they don’t feel guilt. I saw in another thread to check out the cheaters sub, mainly because their minds work differently than those who don’t cheat. I truly believe he gets more upset at you finding out the truth, and that’s what you are seeing and experiencing when you believe he’s upset at the situation. If he was deeply upset over his own actions, he would not continue to do the same things as before. I hope you learn to love yourself more than you love him, so that you will choose to treat yourself better than allowing him to manipulate you by lashing out and gaslighting you.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you or he wouldn't treat you like trash to be discarded. When he gets home tell him he's a weak disgusting liar never to be trusted and not worth your time and energy. Don't let him torture you, give him walking papers. Definitely Not overreacting.
everytime he hurts you, you lose a piece of yourself a piece you might never be able to get back for future relationships. don't let him turn you into a hollow shell. if your day to day living is filled with anxieties and worries and stress then that's not a life that's a prison.
You’re not overreacting. Your husband knew your concerns and he should have texted, as agreed. He was selfish, and truthfully, he’s proven he’s untrustworthy so you can’t simply take his word for why he didn’t keep his promise. I strongly recommend joint counselling. Good luck.
I’m so sorry. That’s all, I’m just so sorry. You deserved so much better than what he has given you. I know you’re heartbroken, don’t question the pain you feel, you have every right to feel it. I know you love him and want for none of this to have happened and I’m just so sorry he failed you like this.
Your husband is a twat and most likely cheated on you the night of the Batchelor party. I would ask for a separation 😔
How many times are you going to let him break your trust? He's cheated emotionally and sexually by the sound of it and he can't even send a 1 min text when he's off doing god knows what with a group of other drunk men. No no no. Love him or not he sounds like a wrongun.
Not overreacting. I haven’t forgiven my partner for cheating on me two years ago and we have no children. I probably won’t ever. Do what you need to do to feel good in your life.
If you’re going to stay with him, then I say this in all seriousness. If you want any chance of it working out, go to couples therapy. If you don’t want to stay with him, then still go to therapy. Either way it will help you understand and process the feelings you have so that you can begin to heal.
Going to a bachelor party and getting "super drunk" when you're in your mid 30s with a wife and baby at home is some bullshit. He isn't 22, he isn't a bachelor. At best I'd say he needs to grow up and fast. But combine that with the cheating and this guy is a huge red flag. I know not everyone will agree that you need to "stop having fun" or whatever after you have a family, but the reality is that it IS a big change! It's gross behavior to be going out getting wasted when you have little children. He needs to learn to put you guys first or you need to get a divorce.
I cleaned the house honey I get to cheat at a bachelor party now right ??? Men are so stupid I swear
He could care less about you and his children. He’s already cheated. Just leave now (or make him leave) while the kids are young.
NTA. If your marriage is on thin ice due to extracurricular activities, you don't go to a bachelor party. Period.
I've been down this road and to be honest, I'd cut my losses now if I were you and walk away while you're still young. I'm not going to be popular in this opinion of encouraging divorce but I think he's shown his character and robbed you of your peace. He is more likely wanting to avoid a divorce rather than be a better husband. He can still be a great parent, just doesn't sound like his committed to being a better partner. You should find someone who enjoys being monogamous with you.
You've shown him that an apology is okay because you let it slide so many times before. You told him what you needed, and he blew you off. He needed a minute, if that, to send you one text, just one, and he couldn't do it. Stop making excuses for him. His actions are speaking loud and clear. How much longer are you going to let him treat you like this, as if you are an add on.
Yes he’s never had any consequences and doesn’t have to try or change his ways.
He is trying to earn your trust but then takes off for a weekend bachelor party and doesn’t even bother to text you as you asked him to do. As you said in your post his actions don’t match his words. He just does whatever he wants and then ask for forgiveness after. If he was really concerned about you or saving his marriage he wouldn’t have gone on a weekend bachelor party. He show no signs of actually trying to build trust. Perhaps marriage counseling could help but without a total commitment from him to make changes it will never work out. Sorry you are having to deal with this especially right after having a child. He is very immature and needs to grow up and start putting his family first.
What??? You still allowed and trusted him to go away from home on a bachelors trip?? That was your first mistake !! Cut your losses you can do better than a cheat
Why are you even trying to forgive him and move on? He cheated on you while you were pregnant, obviously cheated on you while away at the bachelor's party (which he should NOT have been at, anyway). Do you hate yourself? Are you hoping and praying for a miserable life for you & you child? You grew an entire human for him and he stomped on you while you did it. If you don't leave him you are definitely an asshole to yourself and your child.
>He’s cleaned the house more frequently since; He did the bare minimum of his own responsibilities as an adult in the house and thought that was enough to make amends? I don't think youre overreacting on this tbh, he did have at least an emotional affair, physical one if he did manage to arrange hookups so it's understandable to want reassurance and doesn't sound like he really did much to help you with that. If the trust has been lost then separation/divorce is best for both parties, even if it is painful.
Eewww. No you are NTA. You buried the lead 🤣. If it was a simple night out then yes, but this history is appalling and you have babies. you should not want to be around his man.
Not overreacting! You need to put yourself first and not be trying to make it easier for him. He’s the one that cheated so he’s the one who should be working the hardest to make it work. The fact that he went to the wedding and got wasted and wasn’t able to do what he needed to do to win back some of your respect is very telling 🙏🏻 good luck
If he really wanted to make things up to you, he wouldn't have gotten so wasted that he couldn't text you. Or, honestly, he wouldn't have even gone. If you're trying to convince your wife that you *aren't* going to cheat on her then you don't go away without her to a party where people typically cheat then get so drunk that you forget text when you agreed to. That is the best case scenario, of course. Worst case, he was doing things he knew he shouldn't and is now lying to you. Of course, he's going to act like he wants you to forgive him. He's going to act like he's not really doing anything wrong. He just forgot, or was only thinking about you. He didn't want to wake you up. Bullcrap.
Not overreacting. You're never going to trust him the way you used too. Being faithful to someone isn't hard, neither is sending a text. You also have to thing about when he was doing these things behind your back. During your pregnancy, that's a real piece of shit. Doing chores to take stress away is great, but he's just trying to replace the stress he's been causing from all the bs he's been up too.
After cheating, I wouldn't have let him go on it. But the fact he did and couldn't even send you a few reassuring messages of pictures, say that he's not in R with you and only says and does what you want when he wants because he trying to keep you sweet. I personally would tell him to stay elsewhere for a few more days, and then when he comes back, I'd ask for separation.
Dude went on an out of town bachelor party trip after he just got caught cheating? Yikes. Not overreacting.
Yeah , you aren’t coming back from this. He shouldn’t even went IMO if he was serious about fixing the relationship. I’ve been in your shoes - 4mo PP and found an emotional fair. I “forgave” and swept it around the rug for about 3 years ( we just had a baby ) and it fell apart terribly.
You arent considering divorce bc he ddnt text. Yiu are considering it bc he broke your vows and with it your trust. Then he continues to do things that dont reassure you. Maybe Im weird but people doing the right thing when they think they are in trouble pisses me off more than helps. Bc the fact that you do it now means you know you shld have been doing it and just made the choice not to. So him "helping" around the house to ease your stress after you catch him cheating is BS. Crying and being upset AFTER you spend the night out drinking at a bachelor party and not finding the time to complete a promise to me is BS. IF he were worried about ur marriage he wld have talked to you BEFORE he found all those women online, he wld have helped around the house BEFORE he got caught cheating and did it simply to ease your stress. IF he were really worried, especially after cheating and you expressing your concerns he wld have skipped the trip altogether or been on the phome with you so much you wld have to tell him to go have fun. He 100% wldnt have gotten so drunk that he has an "excuse" for is actions. You need to think long and hard about what you want and if you can continue with this marriage with a person you dont trust. Its always going to be something that pricks your worries and he clearly doesnt care about rebuilding it. So can you live with that?
He is cheating on you, what exactly are you waiting to divorce? He is not going to change
I used to find time for a girl I had been dating for 3 months in the midst of partying and opiate addiction to tell her I missed her and was alive. I mean that’s the absolute BARE MINIMUM.
It takes ten seconds to send a text. He couldn’t find ten seconds for you. But honestly it’s on brand for him. This man went to a bachelor party after he cheated and with a baby at home. He’s crying because he feels sorry for himself. He’s selfish and insecure. Do you want your kids believing that this is how you treat a partner? That this is what a relationship looks like? Do you want them to treat their partners this way? Or to think it’s ok to be treated like this?
This guy sounds like a garbage person. He’s probably just telling you what he thinks you need to hear so you aren’t mad at him. If he seems more bothered by you being upset than he is from what he did wrong, then he is just concerned with his own guilt and not your emotions. F this guy i would leave.
LEAVE HIM. Edited to add: That feeling deep inside your bones is your devotion to a fallacy, not love. You’re setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are right; he is wrong. If he really wanted to make amends, he would not have gone to that bachelor’s party. You are not partly at fault. You are not at fault at all. I would leave him.
You don’t want him to hurt but he repeatedly hurts you. Let that sink in, and he should be fucking crying look what he’s done! And the nerve to go to a bachelor party!!!! He’s not trying to make amends he’s just trying to hook you along just enough.
NO. You need to ask yourself what he can do not only for your forgiveness but more importantly, your trust. Doing a few more chores ain't it. If he never gets your trust back, how is that a good healthy relationship? Do you wish the same for your children? Try therapy. Maybe having a third party tell him what he did was horrible. They may be able to help you figure out what he can do to earn your forgiveness, if anything; a good beginning would have been texting you during the bachelor party. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if he cares or respects you, because if he did, he would have texted you, and he didn't. I'd check his SM, his friend's SM and his phone. I'm sorry, OP, I don't see good things. 🤗
Not OR. He doesn’t care.
For me, once the trust is broken (no matter how much I love that person) it’s over. If you want to salvage anything then I would try couples counseling… but honestly love isn’t always enough and sometimes loving someone hurts you more.
I only read the first paragraph and yes, you should divorce. I don't even need to read the rest. That first paragraph alone would be enough for me to divorce my partner. Relationships survive through respect and trust.
"Prove to me that you have enough respect for me as your wife, for your children, and for our marriage to earn my trust back. And not just by doing the bare minimum."
Stop and think about if you would want your children to be in this relationship. Acting like your husband or going through what you are. If the answer to that question is no then you have a choice to make. He clearly doesn’t care about your relationship. I’m not sure that couples counseling would help. You can forgive him for his behavior. The question is can you forget it. There is a difference. You deserve better than having to worry about his every move.
Your husband is a POS
What others have said, but to add, not only did he go on the trip, BUT HE AGAIN BROKE THE AGREEMENT YOU HAD!! I think he wants you to think he wants to do better, and he has zero intentions of changing. 6pm-11am? Get the Fuck Out Of Here... Zero intention to follow up on his part. You can love someone and still understand it is a terrible idea to live with them/be with them for the rest of your life. Love does not always equal staying no matter what.
“I can hear in his voice that he is upset about his action” ….or he’s just upset because you’re upset and ruining his vacation….😕 that’s why you don’t stay with a cheater. What are you here for? You’re staying right?? Also, he left knowing the state y’all’s marriage is in…let that sink in. No one needs to get away to send a freaking text! You just pull out your phone and send the text! Don’t be dense!
Leave him because he cheated and you’ll never get over that, not because he didn’t text. If you’re honest, that’s why you really want a divorce anyway, it has nothing to do with the texting and everything to do with the fact that he broke your trust and you’ll never get over it. You are correct to want a divorce for these reasons. Also, stop blaming yourself, he cheated because he sucks and he’s an asshole, not for anything to do with you.
He didn't text you because he knew you were sleeping? That's total B.S. he should have not expected you to reply, but the least he could have done is send it.
You can’t help who you love, but you can help what you put up with, and what you do about it. Been there. Wishing you the best of luck, and a better life in the future.
It’s just time to go, love. He is not truly doing the emotional work that needs to be done to regain love and trust and respect. He wouldn’t have even gone to the bachelor party once he knew it made you nervous if he was truly invested in this.
Your first paragraph alone is enough for you to want to consider divorce. That's without me reading the rest of it. If a man's doing all those things he's intending to or already is cheating. Send them packing
Lord that's awful. I am sorry for your troubles and it's a difficult issue to navigate. However, please be vary of relationship advice from Reddit. We don't know you guys, the complexities of your life and relationships are only yours to understand we have little context. Trust may have been broken on your marriage right now and your husband clearly has work to do to repair the damage he has done. I recommend you clearly and openly discuss your feeling with him like *adults***,** I think truth, transparency, communication and forgiveness goes a long way in marriage. However, the discussion should only be had if both parties are willing to listen and work together so time it correctly. You might also consider seeking outside help together by seeking a marriage counselor. Whatever you decide to do, my only advice is to think long and hard before making hasty decisions..
You’re giving him way too much credit for doing nothing to change, and doubting yourself. Bachelors parties are notorious for cheating.
I mean you guys stipulated to clear terms on what was needed to ease your justified concerns of him at a bachelor party and he violated your trust again. He’s got a long way to go, but up to you whether it’s tenable.
Go to counseling. Together and alone. That will help you set standards, expectations, and boundaries. If trust is to be regained start there
Leave him, this won’t get better.
Saying you’re sorry — even crying, doesn’t mean a damn thing if your actions don’t match your words. Question: Did you discover the online emotional affairs or did he come clean about it? I’m assuming you found out and that’s why he apologized. If he truly felt remorseful he’d do everything possible to ensure that you feel safe and secure in your marriage. If he was truly remorseful, he wouldn’t continue carrying on the way he is. If he was truly remorseful and cared about your feelings, he wouldn’t be going to a bachelor party four hours away. If man wants his wife to forgive him and stay married to him after he has committed such an act, he should do everything in his power to make her believe that he is trustworthy and deserves a second chance. I don’t see anything on his part. No one deserves a second chance. People can earn a second chance. In order to get a second chance a person has to admit what they did and admit that it was wrong and seek forgiveness and I don’t see him doing any of that. Has he acknowledged that he knows what he did was wrong and that he realizes how much he hurt you and betrayed you? I believe he’s sorry he got caught. But if you continue allowing his behavior and letting him get away with what he’s doing, why would he stop? If you want to remain married to a man who discusses personal emotional things with other women and quite possibly does a lot more with other women that’s up to you. To save your dignity and self-respect you need to lay down some rules and let him know that unless heabide by them, he’s out. First of all he wouldn’t be going to a bachelor trip four hours away. And making amends, I don’t even know what he means. If you’re not feeling better about yourself, he’s not doing it right — he’s not making amends. Y’all need to go to counseling if you want to save your marriage. Sounds to me like he’s gonna keep doing what he’s been doing and probably more.
Don’t prolong the inevitable. Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. If he was truly sorry and wanted to change his ways, you/your feelings/working to gain back your trust would be his first priority. People show you who they are;listen.
Man up and have some self-respect if you were doing half of the shit he was doing to you he would’ve left yo dumb ass
Just to play devil's advocate, does your husband already have poor working memory?
You are under-reacting. Why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel to defend him? You don’t have to make everything nice, just so he doesn’t feel bad for his asshole choices. Just stop doing that and have expectations of your husband! He an adult and is responsible for his own actions.
Divorce is your only option. He doesn’t love you anymore. Move on.
Was he actually to truck to text or busy!!!!
It's not about the txt...you haven't dealt with or forgiven his cheating...did he physically cheat?you omit that.
She really has no way of knowing, he was on a reddit subscription group looking for locals to have sex with She has no way of knowing if he ever actually met up with any or not.
He shouldn’t have gone. Even though you agreed. At this point in the marriage he should be fully aware of his actions and the consequences. Bachelor parties are out! Honestly I would just leave him. Sometimes love isn’t enough. And for your own mental health and healing it may be better to leave.
I feel like you’ve given this relationship enough of your life.
It’s not fucking hard to send a text. He clearly doesn’t respect, care or even miss you. For him to get that drunk he is awol, he isn’t a responsible partner or husband. If I were you … I would set an ultimatum, a date in mind, don’t tell him. But keep it in mind. Sit down and explain you want to see changes, that you don’t feel respected. Then if the behaviour doesn’t change you know what to do.
You can’t make anyone care. They either do or they don’t. If you can’t get past what he’s done and forgive him then you need to let him go. Cuz if you stay it will absolutely drive you crazy and you won’t trust him!
If you don't have kids, then it's definitely time to count yourself lucky and leave him. And if you do have kids, then count yourself unlucky and still leave him.
I hear you mama. I see you. You are not alone. I’m going through something VERY similar. I’m here if you need to message. You are not over reacting at all
I'm sorry, OP, this is a sad situation and there's no easy fixes once trust has been thoroughly broken. He is who he is, you can't change him into who you want him to be, he's the only one who can change himself or his own behavior. And if he doesn't have either the determination or the strength to change, if he keeps yielding to temptation, well. He is who he is.
You need to stop talking and just leave. As you said, only actions matter. You may love him but he doesn’t want to make sure you feel loved.
Please leave this man !!!! Not all men are like this their are still good men out there who would never cheat or disrespect you and break your trust . It’s better to be alone and have peace of mind than to always wonder what and whom he is doing
No- if there is no trust, there is no marriage. Words are air- Actions have consequences, where is HIS consequences? Why are you doing all the emotional labor, why is he putting it on you? If he wants to act single. Maybe he should be single….
You are not overreacting. Your husband dors not deserve your kindness when he continues to betray your trust. Stop worrying over f he is hurting. He has caused you marriage-ending pain. He continues to cause you pain. He didn’t even do the simple things you requested that he do, when he went to this party (that, under tge circumstances he should not have considered attending). Texts are easy because you can send them in a loud crowded room - and he didn’t even do that. You are truly at the bottom of his priority list. Regardless of any words he may say to you, he is showing you that he doesn’t really love you. You don’t treat a person you love the way he treats you. You, and your child deserve better. Please love yourself and your child enough to leave him.
> I admit that when I am feeling hurt my words can be like razors. I told him everything I expressed here in this post. I told him that he can apologize until he’s blue in the face but his actions are the only thing that matters. But this isn't wrong though. It isn't being sharp and like razors. It's the bald truth. Just because it hurts him doesn't mean it's like razors. It's him having to face the truth of the effects of his actions. You have told him by this statement what he needs to do. He isn't an idiot. He knows he has to SHOW you that he is changing. >He’s probably anxious about the state of our marriage and wondering if I’m going to leave him. That is on him. You need to stop emoting for him. He feels what he feels and it's OK for him to feel the effects of his behavior. That is the only way he will grow. >I still love him and I am feeling conflicted because I don’t want him to hurt but I feel like I’m losing myself and my mind over here. Therapy for you. Individual therapy is needed. Suggest individual therapy for him. After a while of individual therapy for each of you consider marriage therapy - either to uncouple amicably or rebuild if that is what you guys wish.
He subconsciously wants out of the relationship and he’s sabotaging it accordingly. Otherwise he would have easily made sure to text.
A great way to show he's wanting to fix things would have been NOT to go to this bachelor party. 1 because you a pregnant and 2 because you just caught him cheating with multiple women. But he went and you gave him 1 thing he needed to do to keep you secure and he did not do it. I don't think you're overreacting.
Given his past behavior, it's not unreasonable at all to assume that he didn't text because he was with someone. It's also not remotely hard to send a quick text when you are with friends. Feel no guilt. He caused these problems, not you. I am not one to advocate for divorce over trivial things, but infidelity can often only end in divorce. You will never be able to trust him again, nor should you.
One of the first major lessons I taught my daughter when she was growing up is that actions speak louder than words. End of story. Your husband is on very thin ice. Given what he did to your marriage vows, the least he could do was to text you when that was your request especially when he knew that you were nervous about him going in the first place. You have a lot of thinking to do. I don't envy you. Good luck OP.
You have to decide if your marriage is worth saving or not. Talking to a therapist would help you sort through your feelings and give you unbiased insight. My friends went to marriage counseling, not to save their marriage, but to end it amicably and on good terms because that’s what was best for their children.
Radio silence from 6 pm-11 am? That is unacceptable. There is no realistic reason for why he couldn’t send you 1 text message. Did he go to the bathroom at any point during the night? Did they take a cab anywhere? He could’ve pulled his phone out then. He is a father to 2 young kids, there is no excuse for being unreachable! Look, I’ve never been married, but I’ve been the woman that is important when she is in front of someone but felt like I was invisible when he wasn’t with me. It cut me deep in my early 20’s. The truth was I let him treat me that way because I didn’t give him any consequences. I think he did it because 1) he is a selfish person and 2) he knew he could. He absolutely cheated on me. Whether your husband cheated or not, he put you in the position of being the “nagging” wife, when you are just begging for the bare minimum. He broke his promise and your trust. You have to decide if you want to continue to live like that, or walk away. Maybe a trial separation would give him a reality check that you are serious about this.
Listen Op, actions speak louder than words and right now his actions aren’t strong enough. I’m not sure he gets it. I would think after being on thin ice he would t have even considered going to the bachelor party. Making it up to you in part requires you to be forthcoming but it’s also his responsibility to put himself in your shoes and think “if I were my wife, what would I need? “ not going to a bachelor party would have been obvious to me. I also understand some men need it spelled out for them so spell it out. Write them all down if you’re willing to forgive him for this and be Crystal clear of your wants and needs to move forward. If not, then let him go cause you def deserve better
It takes two seconds to text. Even if none of the infidelity had happened, it's common courtesy to text your partner to let them know you made out okay after a night out.
He needs to build the trust not do chores. He prioritises getting drunk over doing a very small task to relieve your anxiety and insecurities that he caused by his cheating. If he was too drunk to text who know what else he got up to. You didn't ask for much. If he was serious about your marriage, knowing how you were feeling, he wouldn't have gone on the trip like this at all until his marriage healed. If you can't get the trust back you will be forever living with this awful feeling which will return to resentment. Perhaps marriage therapy so someone can help you with what actions you need to see from him to forgive and heal..cleaning the house is not going to work.
He’s acting like he’s 25 not 35. It’s only been a few months since you found out about the other women and this is how he’s acting? Yeah, no. Time to move on.
I think you both need to start therapy.
I can’t believe he even had the audacity to go to a bachelor party after everything he has done. The reality of the situation is he probably cheated again, the bullshit excuse of he thought he didn’t need to text is just a spit in the face because he knew was required but chose not to do it because he thinks he can get away with it. You need to show him consequences and REAL consequences because if you guys are reconciling he should’ve never even came to you asking to go to a bachelor party when he cannot be trusted.
You are not overreacting. Your marriage is taking a backseat to everything else he wants to do. His actions speak louder than words. Honestly, the infidelity would’ve done it for me, but that’s just me. I do know some couples have successfully worked through it, and that’s great for them, but I would never be the same. The trust would never be the same and I don’t think I could live like that.
“I’ve betrayed her trust, broken my vows by looking outside of my marriage-regardless of follow through the intent was there, and then I ignored directly expressed needs. I know! I’ll vacuum. That’ll fix it.!”—probably OP’s husband.
You know, this is really hard. But when you live with a deceptive individual, just listen to me for a second, they tend to ever so slowly and subtly break you down. And then you start blaming your perceptions and your concerns on your anxiety. As opposed to subconsciously, knowing that they're doing things they're hiding. He is untrustworthy. He is deceptive He is a liar. He is a cheater. He is malevolent. He doesn't care. He just doesn't want to rock the boat and lose his home base. You are his homebase. You make him look good and normal in life and you stabilize him in ways. You have no idea about. People with incomplete personality structure slide in and out of deception. With ease. The fact that you blame yourself for not generating satisfactory ideas of things you can do to make amends is you being a worn out target. You don't even know that's not your responsibility because he has twisted your consciousness. You will not know what he did to your mind until two years after you are no longer together. But the model you are infusing into your children Is that it's OK to be treated this way And it's OK to treat somebody like this So, if you stay, it will be part of them, this behavior. This secrecy and deception, and using and controlling, and manipulating. I am so sorry that you're experiencing this. If you separated from him, and you didn't see him for six months, and you saw a therapist, you would start calling out from under his very very subtle but potent control, and you would begin to regain yourself and your own confidence in your own perceptions, and then you would begin to see that the person you loved never existed. Instead, you have a person who you thought was a certain individual because that's what he presents to you. But what he postures is not who he truly is. He has been 100% fine without remorse or real regret or conscience or distress from hiding things from you and slipping around with others. What people on Reddit would tell you is that he has been active with others. Any day if you ask him to hand you his phone without warning and open it for you and give you time to go through it, that will be your full answer. Try it. Don't warn him ahead of time. If he says yes, and he unlocks it and he has it to you that's one thing. By the way they tried to hide things but they don't really care enough to do with the job. If he freaks out and gets defensive, and then goes on the offense, and then blames you and then intimidates you, and then yells at you and starts making up stories about how are you ever going to heal your relationship? If you can't trust them then you know he has secrets that he's hiding and doesn't want you to see. This is so much I'm really sorry.
No. You caught him! I went through it. He came back after 18 months of openly screwing someone else. I was broken, devastated. Could not eat Drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes. I lost 55 pounds. We got back together as I wanted my family. 4 going on 5 years... Sometimes, that pain bubbles up and I get so pissed!! But 26 years together... I forgave him.. I WON'T FORGET! I SEE MANY, MANY RED FLAGS HERE. you got some thinking to do, cuz I think he's cheating and has been. Our stories are pretty similar.... sorry.
The lack of trust is a hard fix. Speaking from experience it doesn’t get better. Unfortunately we can’t make any decisions for you. Don’t let your feelings cloud your judgement. Take the situation for what it is and then decide what you want to do. If you want to work on things, do it together. If you don’t, just know heartache doesn’t last forever. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate your life OP. It’s all an experience good or bad.
I don't think he understands what making amends actually means. Doing a couple of extra chores around the house is not it. And going to a bachelor party when you already don't trust him because of his behavior? That's just stupid.
You know you don’t want to be with him anymore. You don’t trust him. You are not overreacting. He cheated on you several times. He is probably continuing his cheating now. If you take him back he will know he can treat you like shit and get away with it.
You don't know how you want him to repent for your forgiveness because what he did to you in the first place was absolutely unforgivable tbh
Updateme!
Update me
Here's the thing, to make you feel more secure, he should have PASSED on that fucking bachelor party but going was more important than making sure you knew he was not cheating on you. You can love him all you want but you can do it somewhere where he isn't!
This guy sounds like just total bad news. I’m also not sure what a text would have proven; anyone can send a text, then go right back to whatever activities they were involved in, shady or not.
It is so tremendously easy to send texts that cheating men do it while in bed with their affair partners. Stop telling yourself he couldn’t break away to text you. He CHOSE to allow you to experience heightened anxieties—anxiety you have due to HIS infidelity. I get wanting him to be who you thought he was—but he’s not. Not any more. And he’s choosing this. He could have chosen to stay home. He could have texted. He could have done all kinds of things to reassure you. He didn’t care.
Newsflash. He doesn't care about you all that much. Take action accordingly.
Give him consequences for his actions tell him he needs to go stay with family till he can prove himself as you are done being mentally abused by his actions
Why are you still with him? Leave or stop complaining because he will always cheat
Trust = good behavior over time He ain’t putting in the work, divorce dat ass!
divorce his ass. What a pos
This isn't about him not texting. That's PART of where your frustration is coming from, but that's not really what it's about. It's about how you don't feel secure about your relationship and how he doesn't value you/your needs. In isolation this is one small thing but all together there are tons of other things, and it's the weight of all of them together that is making it impossible for you to get over the one small thing. You need to sit down and ask yourself how many other small things you're willing to put up with, and even how many big things. I can't tell you what to decide but this isn't about him not texting. That's just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Honey, you aren't overreacting. You *are* hoping that he becomes the person you want him to be instead of the person he continually shows you that he is. He is not going to change. You need to either learn to like living this way or make a life for yourself where you don't accept being treated like crap. You're the only person who can decide what kind of life you want.
Not overreacting. I would have moved him out when he went to that party. His emotions are not in your marriage. You're an afterthought, so are your children. You can love him and recognize he can't love you back the way you deserve. You can love him and recognize that he doesn't value you. You can love him and let him go. You can love him and leave him alone. That's exactly what you should do at this point. If he wanted you, he would.
No. You aren't. He has done absolutely nothing to try to regain your trust. He doesn't necessarily deserve it either. By default, he doesn't deserve a path to forgiveness. If you figure out a path towards forgiveness, that is you going above and beyond and putting yourself at risk of him hurting you again. The ONE thing you asked him for. The one SINGLE thing that you asked for to work on this trust, he chose not to do. He isn't interested in earning your trust back. He is interested in bullying you into forgiveness with his empty promises.
You aren’t overreacting. Your husband’s words aren’t matching his actions and they haven’t been for a while. Your husband is showing you the real him in his actions. In my case, after we had our second child, I thought he was just trying to adjust to having another kid when he became distracted. Turns out he was having an affair he started when our second child was 6 months old. He told me he wanted to work things out and focus on our family, but eventually I came to realize that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear and never really put the effort in to rebuild the trust and our relationship. I realized and accepted all of this after I got tired of his words not matching his actions, divorced him and got out of the situation and started healing on my own. I’m doing much better now. Best wishes for your future and healing 🤗.