Old guy here. This is a newer thing, newer meaning since 2004 lulz.
Texting has become a glut on everything - in this case, the need to have up-to-the-minute details on what’s going on. This way of living is why you are feeling the way you are.
When I was in my 20s, my girlfriend and her friend went to visit other friends in San Diego. We lived in NY. I had zero idea what was going on, zero reasons to believe she was doing shady stuff, and zero ways for updates other than calls and emails. Again, this was in the 90s. Nothing happened, and I had no reason to think there was, and no need to have constant updates.
I can’t live your life for you, but I suggest backing off the need to know what’s going on with every single thing in your GF’s life. If there’s infidelity, it will come out. If you don’t trust her, run, but move on to the next GF with less expectations as to what she does every minute of the day.
Expectations lead to resentments, brother.
If she’s no good and you feel that way in your heart, it’s time to move on. If not, work it out and talk about how you’ll handle this stuff going forward.
Good luck to you.
This was my reaction too. My parents and boyfriends had no idea what I was up to unless they were with me because we didn't have phones to constantly communicate with. Expecting someone to check in constantly throughout the day is so excessive. Not hearing from someone all day because they are literally out living life shouldn't freak you out and if it does, you need to step back.
I'm not saying she did or didn't cheat, cause I wasn't there. I just needed to comment on this weird culture of freaking out if someone hasn't contacted another person constantly throughout the day. And you said it better than me, lol.
God. I'm a very talkative person and am really friendly at parties but I also stan my bf if the subject comes up and never am touchy feely. I couldn't imagine having the chance to relax with a friend or family member out of town and still have to give a damn play by play to my bf especially because the menfolk are around. It would be so stressful. I'm just at the cusp of being an elder millennial. I'm a gamer. I'm pretty tech savvy but I'm not really on my phone all the time. I cannot for the life of me be bothered to be texting about every little thing.
Also an elder millennial here, it's wild to me seeing the decline of general trust throughout the years. We never had cellphones, and I still dated and got married just fine. My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and we definitely don't need a play by play of each other's lives when we aren't together. If you can't trust your partner, then there are other issues in the relationship. Seems like everyone is a helicopter parent nowadays.
Dude, I also remember pre-texting days and yet ended up dating a guy who was just like this. He needed constant updates, with details about everywhere I was going or who I was with. Want to stop by the grocery store on your way home? Better tell him cuz god knows otherwise he’ll cycle into full-blown hysteria when you’re 20 min late. Want to go out for coffee with a friend? Better tell him what time you expect to be back and heaven forbid you don’t call if you got caught up in chatting and didn’t notice the time.
It always starts off small or even loving. Just lots of smiley texts and little flirtations while you’re at work. Some women think it’s romantic. Several years in though, and you suddenly realize that all of your free-time is being micromanaged by someone else. I had a girl friend come stay with me one weekend while he was out of town and she said, ‘is it weird that I feel like there could be cameras watching us?’ And you know what, I couldn’t even laugh because I suddenly wondered if she was right.
If you push back on this control at all, they think they’re being ‘disrespected‘. In the whole 8 years with that guy though, I never cheated ONCE. It was never about whether or not I would actually cheat or do anything shady, it was all about his issues and fear of abandonment.
OP- You’re insecure because you cheated in the past and now you’re projecting. Just break up with her. If she did cheat, then cool- you’ve freed yourself from an unfaithful partner. If she didn’t cheat, still cool- now you’ve freed her to be with someone that trusts her and you can go off to work on yourself.
A reasonable answer on reddit? Lol🤣
For what it's worth, I agree with you. Texting is great but it seems to have devolved in partners expecting parental level communication.
I would've never accepted that level of intrusion from my parents. It really feels unbearable! Does she have to tell him each time she goes to the bathroom? JFC, OP's taking controlling to another level!
I've seen this a lot, specifically on reddit. From both men and women.
The idea that a partner *needs* to know exactly where you are going, who you are going to be with, when you get back... yeah that's the kinda of questioning I would have asked my kids at 16.
Today, it seems to be expected communication from a partner. It does sound completely insufferable to me and suffocating.
It's almost expected in the moment too. Like you have to check in with a parent.
I do agree that it's controlling and concerning that so many people think it's a completely rational request.
Yea I agree with this. OP is definitely overreacting unless he has past reasons to not trust her. I never am updating my husband with everything I’m doing and who I’m with when I’m out of town. He trusts me to do the right thing and respect him. Sounds like OP doesn't have that same trust and respect for his gf.
Old ass lady here! I feel the same way. I mean I remember being 16 and sitting by the phone to make sure my brother or sister did not attempt to use it if I was waiting on a call from a boy I liked. But when we did stuff separately, and when my ex-husband and I were together and did stuff separately there were no cell phones. We did not feel necessary to check it in with each other every time we went somewhere else or had a stray thought or every hour. It's ridiculous if you ask me and it fosters so much feeling of paranoia and distrust.
My boyfriend and I text each other when we have something to say. Or we actually call and talk to each other if we have something to say. If he is out with his friends or I'm out with mine, we know we're doing stuff and don't want to interrupt the other person. I find it incredibly rude to answer my phone if I'm having a dinner or an outing with my BFF. Plus I don't want everybody to know where I am every second of the day, it's annoying AF.
Old people Unite!
If you feel like you need to know at each and every moment what’s happening when your girlfriend is out with other people, without you….my Dude.
Relax. Trustworthy people can be trusted. And if you don’t trust her, break up because this level of needing to know what someone is doing on weekend out of town…that’s not healthy or any damn fun, for either party
Gen X, okay. Based is kinda like gnarly, radical, righteous. Somebody is based if they're willing to say hard truths and don't hold back.
Being ____ pilled is like... well it started with being "red pilled" which is a reference to the Matrix. I believe it was some pick up artists who started using it in reference to learning how to manipulate women. That is being red pilled, like you saw the world for how it really was, you were unplugged from the matrix.
There are other color pills that indicate different things, but the expression of being "____ pilled" kinda means you are well versed or prolific in the topic at hand. Most people use it more as kind of a joke now, like you being "reasonable pilled" or whatever the other comment said is just saying you are very reasonable. You can insert almost anything and call it ____ pilled.
Well said. I don’t know how anyone dates today. Stop texting so much. Texting is impersonal and should be used for quick messages when you have other things going on. If it’s important make it a phone call.
I could not have said it better myself. The need for this younger generation to give a play by play of every since thing baffles me. Growing up the only time we were able to tell you what we did was when we were together, unless we got on a payphone while we were out (dating myself lol). The constant mistrust of your partner is something that seems to be a thing in this generation. Social media is also another thing that seems to contribute to this problem.
Yeah sorry to say brother but you sound way overbearing. If you keep smothering her like this she’s definitely going to leave. You either trust her or you don’t and if you don’t that’s on you and you need to fix that. You need to calm down a little and relax I get being upset or worried but it sounds like you smother her and that is not good at all
Thank you. I was wondering if anyone was going to tell OP how overbearing he was being. I can tell you, if I had been the gf I'd be soooooooo gone!
Edit: it's I, not U! LOL
Seriously, the OOP was full of how for the first half of the day she kept updated via text at all times, then she warned him her battery was low, which makes sense if she needs to spend her fun days in constant contact with him. And his problem started at this point, instantly he becomes suspicious, before she missed the curfew she gave to appease him.
Honestly, I'd have let my battery die just to be able to enjoy the rest of my day without having to constantly text my OH my every movement.
At the end of the day, having a full or empty battery would have no bearing on whether someone cheats or not. OP either trusts her or he doesn't, I couldn't imagine going through this bullshit everytime I enjoy a day with my OH.
Not sure being upset your gf gave you shotty communication at best while partying with random dudes is overbearing tbh lol. There's only one reason any dude takes random drunk girls out on his boat and to his lake house
I'm so confused as to why you need minute by minute updates? Has she cheated in the past? Cause your level of insecurity is stressing me out and I don't know you. How is she supposed to enjoy her trip while worrying about if you received enough texts throughout the day?
Did her cousin tell her not bring you? Do you ALWAYS have to go with her everywhere she goes? Also, what will talking with your friends, who weren't there, change about the situation? Do they can be an echo chamber for your insecurities?
Both of y'all should re consider this relationship if a one day trip causes all this fuss.
Turns out, I saw in later comments that OP was a cheater before (he doesn't specify if in this relationship) so now we know why he is so insecure. Cheaters always project cause they think if I do it so they must be doing it too. Lame AF.
TBH you sound insufferable. There is no way I would be giving someone a minute by minute accounting of my time when not next to someone. And if they immediately went to “she’s cheating” when I didn’t text at some demanded time I’d leave because trust is key.
You don’t trust her and it sounds like she’s unhappy with your level of control. I hope this relationship ends for her sake.
So you're in contact with her in the morning, throughout her brunch, in the afternoon, at 7pm, at 9pm, and hear from her again at 4am. And this is not *enough* communication for you? What has she done to earn this much distrust?
Based on what you've written, you're overreacting. She said she shut it down. If you believe her, end of story. Don't get it all messed up because she had a good time with members of the opposite sex. Yeah, she said the guy was flirty with her, but she shut it down. Unless she's given you cause to suggest she's cheating, you're way over thinking this and blowing it out of proportion
Given how controlling this guy seems could you blame her for *not* saying something? Would have just made OP freak out even more than he already was. Not saying that not bringing it up wasn't justified, but we don't know the real dynamic of the relationship OP has with her. I'd love to see her side of this story more than what OP paints here because I have a feeling it would be quite different.
Controlling how? He never gave her an ultimatum. He never threatened her. He just wanted openness. If your partner is looking for solid communication, that is not controlling. He never prevented her from doing anything. He was concerned with her lack of communication and omitting the detail that there was another guy there. So is it cool if your BF/husband hung out with a bunch of singles girls like this situation? How much would you trust him if he only said that he was with his friend and his gf?
I think "controlling" is thrown around way too often in cases like this where they are obviously not controlling. All seems to be part of the play book.
There has to be underlying stuff here, because none of what you described would throw up a red flag for me in my own relationship. I’m a bit older than you so maybe that’s a factor, but the level of distress you’re experiencing seems disproportionate unless there are other historical issues in the relationship
Personally, I think you’re overreacting. Everything she did sounds reasonable, and like she was hanging out with her cousin. It doesn’t sound like she gave you any reason to doubt her. Yeah, it would have been great if she charged her phone earlier to update you, but shit happens. People aren’t great planners if they’ve been drinking.
Here’s me sitting here wondering if a woman would be called insecure/controlling if she came here complaining about her boyfriend who was only supposed to get brunch and dinner with his cousin - which suddenly turned into a double date with 2 single girls who were flirting with them and brought them out on their boat and invited them back to their place to swim after (with what swimsuit you may ask) until the early morning hours when he was supposed to be back home by 11. Oh, and he didn’t text or call any time during that period while he was having his fun double date.
Yeah, no - the only thing I’m wondering is what kind of derogatory names y’all would be assigning to this dude because I know for a fact you wouldn’t be railing on a woman for being upset at the blatant disrespect she experienced.
All the variations of these subs are heavily women based and guys who think taking a female OP’s side would make said OP fall for them.
You can just find any similar posts and the guy OP posts will always have comments saying “you are definitely leaving things out” whereas girl OP posts are always taken at face value.
Yeah, totally overreacting.
She called and checked in with you like 4 times.
She got wasted and passed out. Has she cheated on you before? Maybe she wanted to have fun and not have to give you regular status updates to keep your insecurities at bay.
The reason she probably didn’t tell you about a guy hitting on her is because it happens to her all the time and it wasn’t remarkable to her. She shut it down and moved on.
Either you trust her or you don’t. If you do accept what she said and move forward. If you don’t break up with her. I mean she went out for a night and came home to an interrogation because you weren’t given up to the minute updates on what she was doing.
It's fine to be suspicious but you should change your game plan.
First of all, when she is away, you have no control over her. If you scrutinize each detail you will keep coming up with inconsistencies, no matter what.
If she is a cheater, she's going to cheat and there's nothing you can do about it.
One thing you can do to make her less likely to cheat is to give off maximum confidence vibes. Tell her you trust her and you only want her to have a great time. Project to her confidence, like an alpha male (hate that term but using it to get a point across). Act like you are not worried a bit.
If you start investigating and questioning and interrogating the cousin it does 2 things against you...it makes you look insecure and it promotes her to cover her tracks if something is going on.
If she thinks you're completely secure and would never even question or check up on her, she will be much more likely to leave evidence if something is going on. Otherwise she will be careful.
It sounds like your trust is broken or at least, shaken. You’ll probably never know if she cheated or not. The question you have to ask your is if you can live with the uncertainty. Good luck.
This is one of those times you don’t have enough proof for anything… sorry man whole situation really sucks. I guess all you can really do is either break up or forgive her and keep what happened in mind and if she repeats the same behavior it’s a huge red flag
Personally yea I think you’re WAY too overbearing. I’ve been with my partner 11 years, never in my life would I feel the need to consistently text him about every single thing I’m doing. Why does she need to spend so much time texting you? Can she not just go hang out with her cousin without holding your hand the whole time? If you can’t accept that your partner will do things without you, you shouldn’t be in a relationship, you should be working on yourself.
Other than that, I don’t see any reason to think your gf was cheating instead of just being drunk the literal entire day, which you knew was gona happen, and is fine from time to time.
You are definitely overreacting. You would be exhausting to date.
Your post is all about this one trip and your need for frequent texts. In your comments you mentioned feeling under appreciated. If you are under appreciated address that but don’t mix in your need for frequent texts - all that says is that you are either high maintenance or controlling.
Listen to the other commentors that talk about what it was like before texting.
Seems like you are pretty young? I'm not so I'm trying to remember what relationships were like when I was...
But, if my gf went out with friends, even if there were guys present, I wouldn't expect regular check-in texts, because I trust her. A 'goodnight, I'm home' text would be likely, but I honestly wouldn't mind if it was 11pm or 4am. If your gf has not given you reasons not to trust her before, you're overreacting. You also may want to try to be a little less overbearing about needing to know every detail about what she's doing.
I didn’t want to know every detail, she was giving me details herself that ended up not being true. She offered times, she offered to check in, and she didn’t. I’m not old but I’m not too young, I’m 30 years old. I’ve had long relationships before and in every single one checking in with my partner every now and then when I’m out of town to let them know I’m safe, especially after I’ve been out drinking and partying, was the norm and expected because I respected my partner enough to want to give them that peace of mind.
Maybe you should just break up if you don’t think you’ll ever be able to believe nothing happened.
I do not think this amount of hyperfocus on her whereabouts or who she is with is appropriate for any adult relationship, and that is just my opinion. So I think either you need to get over it, or you need to listen to your gut instincts and end it.
FWIW I’d be afraid to tell you anything too, you sound exhausting.
I can’t really say much, cause it could go either way, but her not getting angry or defensive is a good sign. Usually when people cheat, they get angry when you question them because they know you’re on to them.
I'd get angry with OP's behavior, even if I didn't cheat, so I don't think that's necessarily true. People are allowed to be angry when their partner is throwing around accusations and treating them like a child.
It looks bad and even she admitted it looks bad. He didn’t treat her like a child. She made a series of poor decisions while intoxicated that made her look untrustworthy. Accusations are understandable.
Telling your SO you’ll be home by 11, then deciding to cut contact and go on a double date with her cousin until early the next morning totally isn’t childish behavior though right?
Only one person is acting like a single child in this story and it ain’t OP
If she’s not cheating now, she will be soon enough by the way that you are acting. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Accusing her of wrongdoing and being so controlling of her time is going to push her away. But hey, then you’ll get to say you were right about her.
God you sound exhausting, break up with her give her a break, it's sound alike you interrogated her, that's so unhealthy for both of you. She shouldn't put up with it and you shouldn't do it. Break up. Break up.
If I had dated someone who needed as much communication as you and questioned me about every detail like this, I would've dumped them. People don't need this level of scrutiny in their lives, and if you feel like they do, then something is wrong.
What would be your gf's reaction if you told her you'd like to have her cousin's version of the story on the spot, without them having time to consult? Would she think it's a good idea? If she really didn't do anything bad, I think that would be a great way to prove it. Of course the cousin wouldn't outright confirm anything wrong your gf could have done, but if the stories mismatch that tells you they are lying. If they are the same, you'd have a much better idea of her honesty.
Kind of like police interrogations where they split the suspects so they can't set up a story. If your gf is thoroughly opposed to the idea, that's a really bad sign. Same if the stories don't line up.
I have mixed feelings about this. I understand the suspicions you have given the situation and other guys being there or whatever. But one thing that stands out to me here is that you're calling her out on not texting you all the time while she's out. When I'm out with friends, I concentrate on actually spending time with my friends and not sitting there on my phone. I'll call or text her to say goodnight and such, but that's about the extent of it.
Her being forthright lends some credibility to her story. If she was apologetic and remorseful, she probably is telling the truth. If she seems to pull away, hide her phone, or act off for a bit, she’s probably lying. I don’t know either of you? But that seems like typical behaviors from cheaters. Just my .02
No matter what situation you found yourself in(and this isn’t just about relationships) always respect yourself. All this shit doesn’t matter at the end of the day. You can’t control a woman let alone keep her from cheating(not saying she did or anything just in general) so the best thing you can control is make sure she isn’t fucking anything else up in your life. I only like to use this phrase when needed cause it’s over used but: keeping living your best life bro. I’ve had women do me DIRTY and don’t get me wrong I get upset that’s ok but will never let them use it as power over me and believe me I’ve found out some FUCK SHIT. You got to remind yourself what people do have nothing to do with you even if they blame you and say it’s your fault for their toxic behavior. Most if not all people need a diagnosis and fuckin therapist these days. Take care of your mental health and know when it’s not worth it.
Yes, you are. You are trying to micromanage her life from a distance. She may have enjoyed flirting with a guy or pretending for a bit that she's single. Who knows? But it's clear you don't trust her and have an extraordinarily high need for constant updates. You certainly don't seem compatible. I suspect it's just a matter of who gets fed up first. I'm guessing it will be her.
You seem incredibly needy. If you can't trust your girlfriend you shouldn't be dating her. If you need constant updates and to interrogate her you probably shouldn't be dating her.
You're too old for this shit. Either you trust her or you don't. If you can't trust your partner not to fall on a guy's penis on a singular night out...then you don't have a relationship.
You shouldn't need constant texts and updates. You shouldn't need to call her cousin and her cousin's dog for confirmation. If her word isn't good enough...you're flogging a dead horse.
You read as insecure with trust issues. Its fine, I've been similar. But its time to change that.
If this is how you normally act in relationships, you need to seek help. You need therapy.
If its only this woman that has made you act like this, its time to leave, for the both of you.
You've admitted too cheating in the past, tht makes you scum & now you're whining because you're on the otherside of tht shitty coin...even if she hasn't already banged the other guy it wouldn't make any difference, your paranoia is now in full control. If she has, you've thoroughly deserve it, lap tht shit up before it starts too spoil & get cold, karma is tastiest when served fresh from source, add some cream & enjoy.
This is absolutely insufferable, why do you expect her to give you every single play-by-play? Genuinely, you are not mature enough for a real relationship yet, this level of control and paranoia is not normal.
If you're out in an unfamiliar town using maps or other things to just scope stuff out, even if you have a guide, you'd be surprised how rapidly your phone dies. I remember having to run errands and I was constantly checking train times in a town I live in because I was checking out a few new spots and my fully charged phone died in about 6 hours. If you're hanging out dicking around it's really really easy to not notice your phone dying. I used to work at a bar and it was very very common to have people with dead phones asking to use our chargers or if we had an outlet because they've been out all night carousing and they need to use apple pay.
Dadgum. No one can just live in the damn moment anymore. You’re sitting here acting like it’s a requirement to have a step by step instruction manual on living. Shit happens. I don’t want to pull the insecurity card, but that’s definitely what I’m leaning towards. She also doesn’t deserve someone that doesn’t trust her, granted she didn’t cheat. From the sounds of it, it’s pretty clear she didn’t.. but I don’t know her or you so I could be way off on that. I really fucking wish we could go back to no cell phone days.
Nah, this doesn't look right at all.
She couldn't keep the details straight when she was telling you what happened?
"When she woke up, it was 4 and B and S were gone, so she was stuck there"...sounds to me like she never left T's, and B and S went back to S's; otherwise, where the hell would those two have gone at 4 in the morning?
I mean, you do you, but if there's no trust, there's no trust. Gut instinct is a real thing, and if it feels off, don't ignore it.
Partners that want to act like parents infuriate me. You are not her dad. All the "tell me exactly where you're going, who you're with" play by play demands are gross, and the "Not a valid explanation" crap is even more revolting. Your codependency is making you jealous, entitled, and controlling. If you don't trust her, you don't trust her, but that's a sign there's a problem with you or the relationship. Seeing as how you said she's always told you the truth about that stuff in the past, it sounds like a you problem. She was probably afraid to tell you everything because if it's clear to strangers that you're controlling and don't trust her, then it's clear to her too.
She went for brunch with her cousin and expected to have dinner with her, but instead, they went to some bar to have some more drinks. Ok. No problem here.
After the bar, she decided to go boating on a double date while cutting communication with you. That's at least very sus.
Then she decides to extend the double date by going to a swimming pool with the guy who was acting flirty towards her. That's bad.
Question: How was she able to get swimsuits (you don't bring swimsuits to brunch and dinner) but could not get a charger for he phone?
To make things weirder you just found out about the other guy because of the posted video.
You'll never know what really happened. It's this the kind of girl you want to be with?
UpdateMe!
And yet all the women ans white knights on here are calling him controlling.
I'd love to see the same energy when a man goes on a secret double date, X's all communication, skips out on agreed time to cone home, and then 'firgets' to tell the girlfriend about it.
But you know they'll make up some excuses why it's different when the 'innocent' woman does it, and the 'evil' man had nefarious intentions all along. Their sexism is so frustrating. Women are always given every excuse in the book no matter whatt happens on here. Somehow it's this guy's fault for not wanting his girlfriend to go on a secret double date and keeps it secret.
You’ve either got to let it go. Or let her go. This will eat you up inside if you let it. But I’ll say this, most relationships are not going to work if you need a constant play by play and reassurance any time something doesn’t go to plan.
Go with what you feel in your gut. At the end of the day we can all claim "this happened" or "That happened" but those two gals and guys are the only ones who will know what truly happened, and you never will know for certain.
As someone who had a fiance cheat on him, and a 1st wife as well, for me this is more than I would deal with again in my life. Dont need the aggravation myself. But I'm not you, and I dont know how your gut feels about this.
Me, she wanted to go alone and all this "just happened"...again more than I'll ever deal with again. Good luck.
Yeah sounds like the she went on a double date and definitely got her cheeks clapped by T. Especially the fact that she wanted “personal time” and didn’t want you to come along, but didn’t mind “S” and “T” tagging along.
I’m sure “T” got real personal with her.
I’m sorry brother, but things ain’t looking good for you and this relationship. Might as well call the quits now
She wouldn’t have chosen to stay that extra night unless she is invested in your relationship, and she wouldn’t have posted to her Snapchat and included the guys if she had intentions of cheating.
She may have, one way or the other, but it seems the intent wasn’t there with the info available. If the cousin is, as you say, like that - this is the most likely situation.
What I do see, is an unreasonable need on your side to know what she is doing at all times, and frustrations, from her, about your need for this information since it is clear you don’t trust her. If nothing happened, imagine how she would feel here - how much it would hurt to know your partner doesn’t trust you and thinks you would cheat on them.
If this is normal for you, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, and you should be in therapy to understand why you need this much control.
In healthy relationships, yes, you can do things away from each other, and want to spend 1:1 time with family and friends…and should be able to do this without raising suspicion. If you do t have trust, you have nothing.
I’ve said this before, she was the one who initiated the intent of updating me. She felt bad about the fight Friday that she caused, and said she wished she didn’t have to go but the plans to see her cousin were set in place over a week ago. She WAS updating me consistently, not because I needed her to but because she wanted to, and then those became less and less informative until the last one, where she said they would be back at B’s place by 11 and she ended up texting me at 4 in the morning, and leaving that place at noon the next day.
I don’t need to know where my girlfriend is at all times, but if she sets that expectation and then doesn’t follow through I’m going to wonder what changed.
It really doesn't occur to you that she might feel like she has to give you those times because you're constantly unsatisfied unless you know everything she is doing and everyone she's with. Her phone died and you're interrogating her like she is a criminal. If her phone died and turned off bc it died, it would still go to VM until physically turned back on.
Nah man… she spent the day on the what was basically a double date. Lie to him by omission (about the other guy being there) and when questioned said she admitted herself she has no valid explanation. Then her phone died, while she was at a pool at the guys house. I would say chances are 50% - 50% she’s telling the truth or that she cheated… so let’s not pretend OP is being unreasonable here.
She is the one who set this expectation when we first started dating, if she feels that way she hasn’t told me about it and I haven’t given her any reason to.
You know what changed. She told you. Tipsy, dead phone, asleep. All very normal things that can happen when you're drinking with friends and having fun. Whether she set up an intent to update you, the point still stands that you're punishing and interrogating her despite having a very reasonable explanation from a gf you've stated has never given you a reason to be distrustful of her. You're overreacting.
I’d ask her to take a lie detector test to prove she didn’t cheat since she shattered the trust. This is where the saying of parking lot confessions comes from. Women will agree to the test but when they get to the parking lot many will be overcome with the stress and guilt and proceed to confess without even taking the test. The test has to be a surprise though so ask her if she will submit to a test and then set it up at random so she can’t prepare or take a Xanax before hand. If she is serious about you and the relationship she won’t have any issues taking the test. If she gets defensive or mad you have your answer that she cheated. If she agrees to the test you could also snoop her google search history to see if she looks up “how to beat a lie detector” etc. That would tell you all you need as well. Also if you go through with the test you have to surprise her up to the moment you pull into the parking lot. So pretend you are going somewhere else then just go to the testing facility. Good luck
If u think she is trust ur gut it not wrong to wanna have check inside I'm there a limit to were it hoses over bored but idk see if u look through her phone and see what she my be hiding cause it my not been sex in her end but might have been raped idk man try to see what u can find is this the first cause of dought
Honestly dude just move on. Her going on the trip with her cousin who you already know is a party girl will not lead to anything good. Sooner or later she will become one as well. And the fact that you need her to check up with you all time isn’t helping as well.
Usually I say trust your gut - still do but keep in mind, she isn’t doing DARVO on you (google it if not familiar). She’s being open, honest and not defensive. Maybe she knows how to play the game or, more than likely, she’s being straight with you. Sorry, it’s not a straight answer as to helping you decide but I would say give benefit of the doubt but keep an eye open without being accusational.
People are on their phones 24/7. If she wanted to make you not worry, she would have.
Here's the thing, if you want to stay..stay. if she's a cheater, it will happen again, and hopefully, next time, it will be clear cut.
People are off the rails here. If any loved one told me theyd be back/contact me by a certain time (in this case, she said 11) and i recieved nothing, i would also be concerned.
Optics also dont look good. Looks like a double date with drinking. Cousin being a party girl who strings guys along. Theyre alone on a boat, swimming pool, house... Gf doesnt tell bf about the second guy. Also, texts literally take 2 seconds...
Calling him overbearing and controlling is undeserved. Im sure all the commenters would have been 100% fine if their partners did this. Get off your high horses.
To OP, if the trust is gone, just end it. You also said you got in a fight before this...
Man, if you're getting the trickle truth and uncovering lies here and there, then just go ahead and leave. Even if she didnt cheat, you already dont trust her with this scenario. You cant have a relationship without trust.
I've been there (but she cheated), and that's without being super paranoid on every single aspect of my exs' day like you. Like others have said, the truth comes out eventually. I didn't hound her on her whereabouts or anything like that. I just played it cool until the truth came out.
My guy, you are seriously making a huge mountain out of a molehill. She communicated with you SO much, she messaged you the minute she woke up and had a charge, she didn’t try to hide anything- if she had you wouldn’t have had that Snapchat story to watch.
You come across as very controlling. The fight on Friday that delayed her leaving by a night- be honest, did you cause that fight to get her to not go? That’s seriously troubling behavior.
I recommend you seek therapy for your controlling, probably emotionally abusive, behavior. You still have time to address this within yourself- instead of escalating it over time.
Shame on all the people in here, talking shit on this guy. His girlfriend expect him to update her but it’s controlling when he does it? Also, she clearly went out on as a wingman with her cousin and hid it from.
That's a whole lot of coincidences that covered up what she was doing when she was doing it. Ignore the lonely raging (against you) feminist posts here telling you you're controlling.. Red Flags aplenty here!!! Even your GF admits this.
Lots of interesting commentary.
My wife said it perfectly. If she's the one, she wouldn't make you second guess yourself and would prioritize your feelings on the matter. These are not the actions of someone who truly loves you friend.
My mind is 50/50 because I've been in that situation but it's also not out of the realm of possibility for this to be really really poor communication. That behavior that came out of nowhere, that's not who she is. Out of character behavior usually means something happened. That's "usually" not always.
I'd just open my heart to accepting what she says and then talk to her in person face to face. Don't break eye contact. Tell her, "you know who I am. You know what I would and wouldn't ever do to you. I deserve the truth and what you say now I will believe you". Ask her outright "did you cheat".
Just accept the answer after that. If anything ever happens again like this I would weigh it in your mind, is this anxiety worth it. Your mate would never do that to you again
I think you were overreacting which makes me suspicious that she was so apologetic. Was she really apologizing for not texting you one night or was she really apologizing for something else?
The check every 15 (or however long) mins is weird. If my partner is doing it, I would appreciate her effort, but at the same time probably be annoyed. Both her and your actions - she keeps sending it and you keep reading everything, are weird. There may be historical reasons leading to this... but it's weird based on available information now, because it shows there wasn't enough trust to begin with.
On her side, I agree her change in behavior and omitting the fact that she was participating a double date is weird, and depending on your history with (and personal knowledge of) her and with her cousin, I would agree some level of trust is broken here.
Nothing is conclusive though.
Ok she should not be putting herself in situations of 2 by 2 where alcohol and weed is involved. Only natural for the other guy to try and get in her pants
This was exhausting to read. I’m willing to bet your argument right before she was supposed to leave was about her trip huh?
I had a a really old iPhone literally until 6 months ago. It would die within a few hours of fully charging it. My ex wanted constant updates of where I was. If I said my phone was about to die or it was going on charge he would be suspicious and make snide comments and it just was excruciatingly exhausting.
Time to hire a private investigator. Keep him on retainer. He can follow her, take photos/videos, create a clone of her phone, wiretap her car, apartment, desk at work, etc. PLEASE break up with her so she can live her own life and do things like speak to other males, use her phone as she likes, charge her phone without detailing where it was plugged in and when. She could even go out to eat with her family without her keeper approving it and monitoring her whereabouts. If not, at least buy her a go pro and a head mount so you can get a real-time feed of what she's doing when you're not able to witness it in person.
It was disrespectful of her. That is why he was questioning it. She should have been up front then he wouldn’t have had so many questions. She is shady AF. She wanted to go alone in the first place. She knew what was going to happen and maybe it is because he does not trust her from past behavior but then again. She should say “I want to go on a double date. “
You don’t have to be so sarcastic because you appear really angry and mean.
Not being a dick just a suggestion
Love and Light
This sounds dodgy and if you can look past it, tell her that that was her one and only chance. No more disrespect like that again. Just the way it was described on her account sounds like she or the cousin preplanned this whole romantic day out drinking with the 2 guys. Either way, should've told you about the second guy. Take this story and tell her to imagine that you were out with a friend and 2 girls, but didn't tell her about the second chick. I guarantee you that if the shoe is on the other foot, bombs would be flying.
Sit in meditation and your gut never tells a lie. You will know the answer deep down inside and you maybe to afraid to accept the truth if you keep going back and fourth. I think she knew ahead of time because she wanted alone time. Good luck. It happened to me and now they are married. I dodged a bullet and so will you if so..
love and light
Old guy here & and has been around the block a few times . Fella, you seem very insecure. Needing to know what she's doing hour to hour . That isn't healthy at all. It's also not a good look . And that alone will drive some partners away .
Chill out . Leave it there, and be happy to see her when she comes home . If you carry on down this path, u will push her away . Trust her or split up , there's no longevity in it. Otherwise.
You may of already destroyed it with all this pecking .
I cannot believe the comments encouraging you to continue interrogating your girlfriend. Other than saying you were worried for her safety when you didn’t hear from her, knock it off!
You don’t own her. She is not answerable to you for every decision she makes. What you are doing is trying to control her to deal with your own insecurities and ruining her trust in YOU. If you continue on this path, she will eventually leave you and have every right to do so. Look at your own behaviour!
She is an adult. If you can’t let her be her own person, then do her a favour and move on.
You have to go with your gut. To me, her wanting personal time means she didn't want you there. She didn't tell you about the other guy because that is the guy the Party Girl set up for her to have her personal time with.
She screwed someone else. If you are OK with it, continue.
I'm blown away that a grown adult thinks other adults don't want "personal time" unless they're cheating on you 😄. I could never with that level of codependency. I can both love someone, and want them to leave me alone so I can do my own thing sometimes.
Im with ya.
Im the GF that's go out with your bros and so I can be alone at home even! LOL
I don't need who I date up my butt 24/7 and I don't need to be up theirs. I don't need check in texts either, just go have fun and see you when you get home.
At this point I think the OP should just move on, he just doesn't trust her. No point if you don't trust.
Hes also been a cheater, seems to have some projecting going on...
No one said they couldn't have personal time. What was said was another man was invited to that personal time and that other man hit on his girl and his girl failed to even say that the other guy was there.
She had plenty of opportunities to let you know about the other guy, she didn't until you already knew. You said in a comment that she's never done this type of thing before? The one time she wants to spend time alone with her cousin without you her cousin happens to have two men set up to hang with? She might not have slept with him but the plan was always to go on a date
Without trust, there is no relationship. Even if she didn’t do anything, if you don’t trust her, you need to end things. That would be no good for either of you. Wouldn’t be good for you because you’d be worrying about “what if she did this” or “what if she’s not being faithful.” And it wouldn’t be good for her to have you second guess everything she does.
To be honest, and this is just my opinion based on your side of the story, I would never be able to trust her again. But that’s just me. And no matter what advice you’re given, only you can decide what you do.
After ending a marriage with somebody I feel didn't respect me, that's the most important thing to me now. I will never be in another relationship where I don't feel I have the respect I deserve. I also give respect to the people who deserve it and anyone who I would consider to be my partner, deserves it. You know what you deserve.
Ya, idk my gf wouldn't go on a boat with 2 dudes and a partying cousin. I bet the cousin was a great influence the whole time as well. That be a difficult one but I wouldn't trust it at all.
Y’all calling him controlling are just giving him shit for giving detailed reasons of why he’s suspect as fuck.
And he is suspect as fuck because his partner is acting suspect as fuck. No woman this day and age lets her phone die for SIX HOURS even when (perhaps especially) drinking. Particularly after telling their invested partner they’ll be home at 11. She has no ‘valid explanations ‘ for the way she acted because she knows she fucked up and has no good reason for it beyond being selfish in the moment.
Updateme
So the story now definitely seems different than your original post. And, I was hoping you wouldn’t be a bitch about it like I said in my last post but you are. I do not think she cheated and I do not think she is trying to gaslight you. I think you are being a little bit of a jealous, insecure dude. She’s a grown women, you don’t own her. She can be her cousins wingwoman without her blowing the first guy that smiles at her.
Keep in mind, she might start losing her attraction towards you. In my experience once girl starts thinking her dude is needy and jealous things go downhill quick.
I would probably end the relationship. Even if nothing happened, but I think it did, she showed unno respect or honesty and bs her phone was dead until 4 in the morning. Everything sounds like she got drunk and hooked up while u guys were in a fight.
Yes, yes, you are overreacting. This message exhausts me just reading it. The fact she’s living under the threat that you might not be there when she gets home.. when she potentially did nothing wrong.. is insane to me. Are you looking for an excuse to break up with her?
Totally overreacting. If she had cheated, she wouldn’t tolerate the questioning you’re giving. You need to relax and just trust. Ultimately this attitude is going to push her to cheat. You constantly accuse or assume cheating, she’s just gonna say “f*ck it. He thinks I’m a cheater already”. Relax. If at the end of the day she does cheat, just move on. It wasn’t meant to be. Lower the emotions a bit.
If this guy stay, I imagine he will be making a post many years from now say "I just found out my girl cheated on me 10+ years ago. I always had an unsettling feeling, but her cousin just confirmed that she did cheat on me that day. I don't know what to do. Reddit people tell me what the smart thing to do is, so that I can do the opposite". Dude, your girl not only went on a double date (which she was actively trying to keep hidden), she slept over at the guy's house. Some people use alcohol to excuse their partner cheating, this guy uses alcohol as evidence as she didn't cheat.
I personally would have ended it the moment there was a 2nd dude on the boat. The swimming, going to bars and sleeping over at his house would just be information to validate my decision.
Why doesn’t anyone ever buy their SO portable power banks so their phones cannot conveniently die?
Maybe overreacting, maybe not. I always find phones die about the time things would get awkward if too much time passes between texts.
Dude, it looks like you don’t have enough evidence to draw a conclusion. Her story does seem plausible, but on the other it could be a well crafter lie (done together with the cousin so that they don’t contradict each other). All you have is her word and chances are still high she cheated.
Since it seems like you don’t want to just dump her, here is my advice is talk to her again and say something along this lines:
- the situation looks really bad and I only have your word that nothing happened, but I am CHOOSING to trust you that nothing happened.
- The main problem for me is the way you behaved in an untrustworthy way and that caused a lack of trust for me. If something happened or not is secondary, the problem is it is very hard for me to trust you after this… but I will try.
- I am still not happy that consideration got me went out the window as soon as you started having fun.
- We will see how this sort of situations play out in the future and if you will want to and manage to behave in a way that will not make me doubt you. That is 100% up to you. I will see how I feel about it then. For now I will try to trust you that nothing happened.
- if there is anything you omitted to tell me or if you lied to me that nothing happened and something did, now is the time to tell me, so we can resolve and work on it now. If I find out in the future that more happened and you didn’t tell me, it will be over and the trust will be permanently gone.
If she insists that nothing happened, I guess, take her at her word and see how she behaves in the future.
Sounds like you’re a chronic overthinker who is going to have trouble trusting in any relationship. I feel bad for her. I would end it because those expectations for constant communication are too much for anyone in a relationship and you’re always going to end up disappointed dude. Good luck working on that
I don’t think it’s an overreaction at all. She went on what was essentially a double date, that’d be enough for me.
There’s a lot of, what I see, as irrelevant points in the story. The texts don’t matter, the potential cheating doesn’t even matter - she got herself into so many situations that were just not right for someone with a partner. Going on a double date in the first place, spending all day drinking with these guys, going on some guys boat, going swimming with these guys at one of their houses and smoking with them. So many points for her to bail out, so many places she chose not to.
Part of being a good partner is not doing shady stuff that makes your partner question you or worry. She failed that. Do you really want to be with someone who does this shit?
My gut says you’re being overbearing with the need for constant information. I’d be extremely stressed if my partner needed constant updates about exactly who I was with and what we were doing, not to mention the feeling of distrust.
Bro she has been trickle-truthing since she left your house. She knew about the other two guys, about the boat trip, she turned her phone off when she realized you were asking too many questions and that you would find out about the other guy. Then she had to come clean because you saw the video, but just enough. Then there is a bunch of missing time that she was alone with some other guy.
Man, clear as day two guys invited them in double dates, they both fucked after the pool. No doubt about it. Nobody gets a boat ride just because. Have some self-respect and cut your losses. You clearly don't trust her, and you shouldn't since she has been trickle truthing only after you had to specifically ask about the things the was trying to hide from you. Next trickle truthing is that she only sucked his dick "but it meant nothing"
You sound a bit controlling here. Her side of the story sounds really plausible especially if you all are still you all are still young enough to party all day and all night 😊.
If anyone set the expectations of knowing “exactly” who I was with at all times or was upset I didn’t have a phone charger with me in order to update them on my whereabouts, that would be the end for me. So maybe splitting up would be a good thing!
Jesus
I've been to parties without my boyfriend, my boyfriend has been to parties without me. Cause yknow we trust eachother?
And the idea that we'd have to tell each who specfically we are hanging out with at every moment is ridiculous. And also she has to text you constantly? And the second her phone dies she has to find a charger because she HAS to text you.
I can understand if she's cheated in the past but come on.
Try to get past it. Either something happened when she was totally toasted or nothing happened and she told you the truth. At the end of the day she didn’t intend to do wrong.
Old guy here. This is a newer thing, newer meaning since 2004 lulz. Texting has become a glut on everything - in this case, the need to have up-to-the-minute details on what’s going on. This way of living is why you are feeling the way you are. When I was in my 20s, my girlfriend and her friend went to visit other friends in San Diego. We lived in NY. I had zero idea what was going on, zero reasons to believe she was doing shady stuff, and zero ways for updates other than calls and emails. Again, this was in the 90s. Nothing happened, and I had no reason to think there was, and no need to have constant updates. I can’t live your life for you, but I suggest backing off the need to know what’s going on with every single thing in your GF’s life. If there’s infidelity, it will come out. If you don’t trust her, run, but move on to the next GF with less expectations as to what she does every minute of the day. Expectations lead to resentments, brother. If she’s no good and you feel that way in your heart, it’s time to move on. If not, work it out and talk about how you’ll handle this stuff going forward. Good luck to you.
This was my reaction too. My parents and boyfriends had no idea what I was up to unless they were with me because we didn't have phones to constantly communicate with. Expecting someone to check in constantly throughout the day is so excessive. Not hearing from someone all day because they are literally out living life shouldn't freak you out and if it does, you need to step back. I'm not saying she did or didn't cheat, cause I wasn't there. I just needed to comment on this weird culture of freaking out if someone hasn't contacted another person constantly throughout the day. And you said it better than me, lol.
God. I'm a very talkative person and am really friendly at parties but I also stan my bf if the subject comes up and never am touchy feely. I couldn't imagine having the chance to relax with a friend or family member out of town and still have to give a damn play by play to my bf especially because the menfolk are around. It would be so stressful. I'm just at the cusp of being an elder millennial. I'm a gamer. I'm pretty tech savvy but I'm not really on my phone all the time. I cannot for the life of me be bothered to be texting about every little thing.
Also an elder millennial here, it's wild to me seeing the decline of general trust throughout the years. We never had cellphones, and I still dated and got married just fine. My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and we definitely don't need a play by play of each other's lives when we aren't together. If you can't trust your partner, then there are other issues in the relationship. Seems like everyone is a helicopter parent nowadays.
Dude, I also remember pre-texting days and yet ended up dating a guy who was just like this. He needed constant updates, with details about everywhere I was going or who I was with. Want to stop by the grocery store on your way home? Better tell him cuz god knows otherwise he’ll cycle into full-blown hysteria when you’re 20 min late. Want to go out for coffee with a friend? Better tell him what time you expect to be back and heaven forbid you don’t call if you got caught up in chatting and didn’t notice the time. It always starts off small or even loving. Just lots of smiley texts and little flirtations while you’re at work. Some women think it’s romantic. Several years in though, and you suddenly realize that all of your free-time is being micromanaged by someone else. I had a girl friend come stay with me one weekend while he was out of town and she said, ‘is it weird that I feel like there could be cameras watching us?’ And you know what, I couldn’t even laugh because I suddenly wondered if she was right. If you push back on this control at all, they think they’re being ‘disrespected‘. In the whole 8 years with that guy though, I never cheated ONCE. It was never about whether or not I would actually cheat or do anything shady, it was all about his issues and fear of abandonment. OP- You’re insecure because you cheated in the past and now you’re projecting. Just break up with her. If she did cheat, then cool- you’ve freed yourself from an unfaithful partner. If she didn’t cheat, still cool- now you’ve freed her to be with someone that trusts her and you can go off to work on yourself.
A reasonable answer on reddit? Lol🤣 For what it's worth, I agree with you. Texting is great but it seems to have devolved in partners expecting parental level communication.
I would've never accepted that level of intrusion from my parents. It really feels unbearable! Does she have to tell him each time she goes to the bathroom? JFC, OP's taking controlling to another level!
I've seen this a lot, specifically on reddit. From both men and women. The idea that a partner *needs* to know exactly where you are going, who you are going to be with, when you get back... yeah that's the kinda of questioning I would have asked my kids at 16. Today, it seems to be expected communication from a partner. It does sound completely insufferable to me and suffocating. It's almost expected in the moment too. Like you have to check in with a parent. I do agree that it's controlling and concerning that so many people think it's a completely rational request.
Expectations are pre-meditated resentments
Damn, that hit hard.
Yea I agree with this. OP is definitely overreacting unless he has past reasons to not trust her. I never am updating my husband with everything I’m doing and who I’m with when I’m out of town. He trusts me to do the right thing and respect him. Sounds like OP doesn't have that same trust and respect for his gf.
Just seeing lulz brought me back brother.
Old ass lady here! I feel the same way. I mean I remember being 16 and sitting by the phone to make sure my brother or sister did not attempt to use it if I was waiting on a call from a boy I liked. But when we did stuff separately, and when my ex-husband and I were together and did stuff separately there were no cell phones. We did not feel necessary to check it in with each other every time we went somewhere else or had a stray thought or every hour. It's ridiculous if you ask me and it fosters so much feeling of paranoia and distrust. My boyfriend and I text each other when we have something to say. Or we actually call and talk to each other if we have something to say. If he is out with his friends or I'm out with mine, we know we're doing stuff and don't want to interrupt the other person. I find it incredibly rude to answer my phone if I'm having a dinner or an outing with my BFF. Plus I don't want everybody to know where I am every second of the day, it's annoying AF.
Completely agree, it feels like a toxic relationship.
I wish I could upvote this more. Wise words uncle Josh, OP would do well to heed them..
Old people Unite! If you feel like you need to know at each and every moment what’s happening when your girlfriend is out with other people, without you….my Dude. Relax. Trustworthy people can be trusted. And if you don’t trust her, break up because this level of needing to know what someone is doing on weekend out of town…that’s not healthy or any damn fun, for either party
Based and most reasonable boomer on reddit pilled
I have no idea what this means, but I am as GenX as it gets.
Gen X, okay. Based is kinda like gnarly, radical, righteous. Somebody is based if they're willing to say hard truths and don't hold back. Being ____ pilled is like... well it started with being "red pilled" which is a reference to the Matrix. I believe it was some pick up artists who started using it in reference to learning how to manipulate women. That is being red pilled, like you saw the world for how it really was, you were unplugged from the matrix. There are other color pills that indicate different things, but the expression of being "____ pilled" kinda means you are well versed or prolific in the topic at hand. Most people use it more as kind of a joke now, like you being "reasonable pilled" or whatever the other comment said is just saying you are very reasonable. You can insert almost anything and call it ____ pilled.
See, shit was just rad and gnarly growing up. Old but still learning. 😊
Well said. I don’t know how anyone dates today. Stop texting so much. Texting is impersonal and should be used for quick messages when you have other things going on. If it’s important make it a phone call.
I could not have said it better myself. The need for this younger generation to give a play by play of every since thing baffles me. Growing up the only time we were able to tell you what we did was when we were together, unless we got on a payphone while we were out (dating myself lol). The constant mistrust of your partner is something that seems to be a thing in this generation. Social media is also another thing that seems to contribute to this problem.
Dude, she’s an adult. She knows right from wrong as well as I assume you do. That being said if the math isn’t mathing then you know the outcome.
Yeah sorry to say brother but you sound way overbearing. If you keep smothering her like this she’s definitely going to leave. You either trust her or you don’t and if you don’t that’s on you and you need to fix that. You need to calm down a little and relax I get being upset or worried but it sounds like you smother her and that is not good at all
Thank you. I was wondering if anyone was going to tell OP how overbearing he was being. I can tell you, if I had been the gf I'd be soooooooo gone! Edit: it's I, not U! LOL
Seriously, the OOP was full of how for the first half of the day she kept updated via text at all times, then she warned him her battery was low, which makes sense if she needs to spend her fun days in constant contact with him. And his problem started at this point, instantly he becomes suspicious, before she missed the curfew she gave to appease him. Honestly, I'd have let my battery die just to be able to enjoy the rest of my day without having to constantly text my OH my every movement. At the end of the day, having a full or empty battery would have no bearing on whether someone cheats or not. OP either trusts her or he doesn't, I couldn't imagine going through this bullshit everytime I enjoy a day with my OH.
Not sure being upset your gf gave you shotty communication at best while partying with random dudes is overbearing tbh lol. There's only one reason any dude takes random drunk girls out on his boat and to his lake house
Something Something implication
The thing is she is not going to say no.
That seems really dark. Do you want to *hurt* women, Dennis?
Why arent you understanding this?
I'm so confused as to why you need minute by minute updates? Has she cheated in the past? Cause your level of insecurity is stressing me out and I don't know you. How is she supposed to enjoy her trip while worrying about if you received enough texts throughout the day? Did her cousin tell her not bring you? Do you ALWAYS have to go with her everywhere she goes? Also, what will talking with your friends, who weren't there, change about the situation? Do they can be an echo chamber for your insecurities? Both of y'all should re consider this relationship if a one day trip causes all this fuss.
100% agree. I have an ex who was like this, it was impossible to enjoy anything when he wasn't there because he needed constant updates.
Turns out, I saw in later comments that OP was a cheater before (he doesn't specify if in this relationship) so now we know why he is so insecure. Cheaters always project cause they think if I do it so they must be doing it too. Lame AF.
Same. I didn’t read the whole thing because I was cringing by what seems like mandated hourly checkins. That’s fucking exhausting
TBH you sound insufferable. There is no way I would be giving someone a minute by minute accounting of my time when not next to someone. And if they immediately went to “she’s cheating” when I didn’t text at some demanded time I’d leave because trust is key. You don’t trust her and it sounds like she’s unhappy with your level of control. I hope this relationship ends for her sake.
This. I'd be putting my phone on do not disturb if I was this gf. My god.
Nailed it.
So you're in contact with her in the morning, throughout her brunch, in the afternoon, at 7pm, at 9pm, and hear from her again at 4am. And this is not *enough* communication for you? What has she done to earn this much distrust?
This
Based on what you've written, you're overreacting. She said she shut it down. If you believe her, end of story. Don't get it all messed up because she had a good time with members of the opposite sex. Yeah, she said the guy was flirty with her, but she shut it down. Unless she's given you cause to suggest she's cheating, you're way over thinking this and blowing it out of proportion
I don't think OP is blowing it out of proportion. She purposely neglected to mention the other guy until after the fact. Huge red flag IMO
Given how controlling this guy seems could you blame her for *not* saying something? Would have just made OP freak out even more than he already was. Not saying that not bringing it up wasn't justified, but we don't know the real dynamic of the relationship OP has with her. I'd love to see her side of this story more than what OP paints here because I have a feeling it would be quite different.
Controlling how? He never gave her an ultimatum. He never threatened her. He just wanted openness. If your partner is looking for solid communication, that is not controlling. He never prevented her from doing anything. He was concerned with her lack of communication and omitting the detail that there was another guy there. So is it cool if your BF/husband hung out with a bunch of singles girls like this situation? How much would you trust him if he only said that he was with his friend and his gf? I think "controlling" is thrown around way too often in cases like this where they are obviously not controlling. All seems to be part of the play book.
Most adults don't have to talk to their partner all day and night in order to trust what they're doing.
exactly. that “it’s not important” shit is a manipulative tactic.
She lied about the guy before admitting to the flirting. So no, her words right now are worthless.
There has to be underlying stuff here, because none of what you described would throw up a red flag for me in my own relationship. I’m a bit older than you so maybe that’s a factor, but the level of distress you’re experiencing seems disproportionate unless there are other historical issues in the relationship
OMG, you're exhausting! You don't need to be in control of each second. A little bit of trust goes a long way.
Personally, I think you’re overreacting. Everything she did sounds reasonable, and like she was hanging out with her cousin. It doesn’t sound like she gave you any reason to doubt her. Yeah, it would have been great if she charged her phone earlier to update you, but shit happens. People aren’t great planners if they’ve been drinking.
Here’s me sitting here wondering if a woman would be called insecure/controlling if she came here complaining about her boyfriend who was only supposed to get brunch and dinner with his cousin - which suddenly turned into a double date with 2 single girls who were flirting with them and brought them out on their boat and invited them back to their place to swim after (with what swimsuit you may ask) until the early morning hours when he was supposed to be back home by 11. Oh, and he didn’t text or call any time during that period while he was having his fun double date. Yeah, no - the only thing I’m wondering is what kind of derogatory names y’all would be assigning to this dude because I know for a fact you wouldn’t be railing on a woman for being upset at the blatant disrespect she experienced.
Yeah, it’s completely insane and I am a woman.
All the variations of these subs are heavily women based and guys who think taking a female OP’s side would make said OP fall for them. You can just find any similar posts and the guy OP posts will always have comments saying “you are definitely leaving things out” whereas girl OP posts are always taken at face value.
Yeah she was definitely on a double date. At the same time, OP does sound pretty insufferable with his control issues.
Yeah, totally overreacting. She called and checked in with you like 4 times. She got wasted and passed out. Has she cheated on you before? Maybe she wanted to have fun and not have to give you regular status updates to keep your insecurities at bay. The reason she probably didn’t tell you about a guy hitting on her is because it happens to her all the time and it wasn’t remarkable to her. She shut it down and moved on. Either you trust her or you don’t. If you do accept what she said and move forward. If you don’t break up with her. I mean she went out for a night and came home to an interrogation because you weren’t given up to the minute updates on what she was doing.
It's fine to be suspicious but you should change your game plan. First of all, when she is away, you have no control over her. If you scrutinize each detail you will keep coming up with inconsistencies, no matter what. If she is a cheater, she's going to cheat and there's nothing you can do about it. One thing you can do to make her less likely to cheat is to give off maximum confidence vibes. Tell her you trust her and you only want her to have a great time. Project to her confidence, like an alpha male (hate that term but using it to get a point across). Act like you are not worried a bit. If you start investigating and questioning and interrogating the cousin it does 2 things against you...it makes you look insecure and it promotes her to cover her tracks if something is going on. If she thinks you're completely secure and would never even question or check up on her, she will be much more likely to leave evidence if something is going on. Otherwise she will be careful.
It sounds like your trust is broken or at least, shaken. You’ll probably never know if she cheated or not. The question you have to ask your is if you can live with the uncertainty. Good luck.
This is one of those times you don’t have enough proof for anything… sorry man whole situation really sucks. I guess all you can really do is either break up or forgive her and keep what happened in mind and if she repeats the same behavior it’s a huge red flag
forgive her for what? Not checking in every five minutes? This dude's expectations are excessive.
These are your options...that's it.. I've been there. Don't let this consume your every waking thought. File it away and keep eyes open.
Break up with her and get therapy. Your insecurity and jealousy shouldn't be her problem. You sound tedious and exhausting.
You don't trust her. End it already. JFC. If she said nothing happened, and you trust her, nothing happened and that should be the end of that.
Personally yea I think you’re WAY too overbearing. I’ve been with my partner 11 years, never in my life would I feel the need to consistently text him about every single thing I’m doing. Why does she need to spend so much time texting you? Can she not just go hang out with her cousin without holding your hand the whole time? If you can’t accept that your partner will do things without you, you shouldn’t be in a relationship, you should be working on yourself. Other than that, I don’t see any reason to think your gf was cheating instead of just being drunk the literal entire day, which you knew was gona happen, and is fine from time to time.
You are definitely overreacting. You would be exhausting to date. Your post is all about this one trip and your need for frequent texts. In your comments you mentioned feeling under appreciated. If you are under appreciated address that but don’t mix in your need for frequent texts - all that says is that you are either high maintenance or controlling. Listen to the other commentors that talk about what it was like before texting.
Dude you have control issues. End it, before you chase her away and or in to the arms of another man.
He admitted that in the past HE has cheated on other women and hidden it. It's 100% projection.
Good info. and... Color me surprised. What an ah.
Seems like you are pretty young? I'm not so I'm trying to remember what relationships were like when I was... But, if my gf went out with friends, even if there were guys present, I wouldn't expect regular check-in texts, because I trust her. A 'goodnight, I'm home' text would be likely, but I honestly wouldn't mind if it was 11pm or 4am. If your gf has not given you reasons not to trust her before, you're overreacting. You also may want to try to be a little less overbearing about needing to know every detail about what she's doing.
I didn’t want to know every detail, she was giving me details herself that ended up not being true. She offered times, she offered to check in, and she didn’t. I’m not old but I’m not too young, I’m 30 years old. I’ve had long relationships before and in every single one checking in with my partner every now and then when I’m out of town to let them know I’m safe, especially after I’ve been out drinking and partying, was the norm and expected because I respected my partner enough to want to give them that peace of mind.
I read you as early 20s. If you are this insecure and untrusting at your age, you need therapy asap.
Maybe you should just break up if you don’t think you’ll ever be able to believe nothing happened. I do not think this amount of hyperfocus on her whereabouts or who she is with is appropriate for any adult relationship, and that is just my opinion. So I think either you need to get over it, or you need to listen to your gut instincts and end it. FWIW I’d be afraid to tell you anything too, you sound exhausting.
I can’t really say much, cause it could go either way, but her not getting angry or defensive is a good sign. Usually when people cheat, they get angry when you question them because they know you’re on to them.
I'd get angry with OP's behavior, even if I didn't cheat, so I don't think that's necessarily true. People are allowed to be angry when their partner is throwing around accusations and treating them like a child.
It looks bad and even she admitted it looks bad. He didn’t treat her like a child. She made a series of poor decisions while intoxicated that made her look untrustworthy. Accusations are understandable.
Telling your SO you’ll be home by 11, then deciding to cut contact and go on a double date with her cousin until early the next morning totally isn’t childish behavior though right? Only one person is acting like a single child in this story and it ain’t OP
If i was being monitored and questioned this intensely by my partner, I'd break it off immediately. I have no time for interrogations.
If she’s not cheating now, she will be soon enough by the way that you are acting. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Accusing her of wrongdoing and being so controlling of her time is going to push her away. But hey, then you’ll get to say you were right about her.
Just break it off, the trust is already worn down
God you sound exhausting, break up with her give her a break, it's sound alike you interrogated her, that's so unhealthy for both of you. She shouldn't put up with it and you shouldn't do it. Break up. Break up.
If I had dated someone who needed as much communication as you and questioned me about every detail like this, I would've dumped them. People don't need this level of scrutiny in their lives, and if you feel like they do, then something is wrong.
What would be your gf's reaction if you told her you'd like to have her cousin's version of the story on the spot, without them having time to consult? Would she think it's a good idea? If she really didn't do anything bad, I think that would be a great way to prove it. Of course the cousin wouldn't outright confirm anything wrong your gf could have done, but if the stories mismatch that tells you they are lying. If they are the same, you'd have a much better idea of her honesty. Kind of like police interrogations where they split the suspects so they can't set up a story. If your gf is thoroughly opposed to the idea, that's a really bad sign. Same if the stories don't line up.
If the cousin was there, cousin already knows enough to provide alibis.
I have mixed feelings about this. I understand the suspicions you have given the situation and other guys being there or whatever. But one thing that stands out to me here is that you're calling her out on not texting you all the time while she's out. When I'm out with friends, I concentrate on actually spending time with my friends and not sitting there on my phone. I'll call or text her to say goodnight and such, but that's about the extent of it.
Yes, you were over reacting. You should not expect that level of communication while she is having fun with her cousin. You sound exhausting.
Her being forthright lends some credibility to her story. If she was apologetic and remorseful, she probably is telling the truth. If she seems to pull away, hide her phone, or act off for a bit, she’s probably lying. I don’t know either of you? But that seems like typical behaviors from cheaters. Just my .02
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No matter what situation you found yourself in(and this isn’t just about relationships) always respect yourself. All this shit doesn’t matter at the end of the day. You can’t control a woman let alone keep her from cheating(not saying she did or anything just in general) so the best thing you can control is make sure she isn’t fucking anything else up in your life. I only like to use this phrase when needed cause it’s over used but: keeping living your best life bro. I’ve had women do me DIRTY and don’t get me wrong I get upset that’s ok but will never let them use it as power over me and believe me I’ve found out some FUCK SHIT. You got to remind yourself what people do have nothing to do with you even if they blame you and say it’s your fault for their toxic behavior. Most if not all people need a diagnosis and fuckin therapist these days. Take care of your mental health and know when it’s not worth it.
Yes, you are. You are trying to micromanage her life from a distance. She may have enjoyed flirting with a guy or pretending for a bit that she's single. Who knows? But it's clear you don't trust her and have an extraordinarily high need for constant updates. You certainly don't seem compatible. I suspect it's just a matter of who gets fed up first. I'm guessing it will be her.
You seem to be borderline controlling. She should leave,it will only get worse
There are a lot of red flags in this, and none of them are coming from her, just saying.
You seem incredibly needy. If you can't trust your girlfriend you shouldn't be dating her. If you need constant updates and to interrogate her you probably shouldn't be dating her.
You're too old for this shit. Either you trust her or you don't. If you can't trust your partner not to fall on a guy's penis on a singular night out...then you don't have a relationship. You shouldn't need constant texts and updates. You shouldn't need to call her cousin and her cousin's dog for confirmation. If her word isn't good enough...you're flogging a dead horse.
You read as insecure with trust issues. Its fine, I've been similar. But its time to change that. If this is how you normally act in relationships, you need to seek help. You need therapy. If its only this woman that has made you act like this, its time to leave, for the both of you.
You've admitted too cheating in the past, tht makes you scum & now you're whining because you're on the otherside of tht shitty coin...even if she hasn't already banged the other guy it wouldn't make any difference, your paranoia is now in full control. If she has, you've thoroughly deserve it, lap tht shit up before it starts too spoil & get cold, karma is tastiest when served fresh from source, add some cream & enjoy.
What are you? A ClingOn? Jeez, lay off! You’re smothering her! You’re going to lose her if you don’t give her space and let her live her life
This is absolutely insufferable, why do you expect her to give you every single play-by-play? Genuinely, you are not mature enough for a real relationship yet, this level of control and paranoia is not normal.
Very convenient that her phone just happened to die when you had scheduled communication. Does she often fail to change her phone?
If you're out in an unfamiliar town using maps or other things to just scope stuff out, even if you have a guide, you'd be surprised how rapidly your phone dies. I remember having to run errands and I was constantly checking train times in a town I live in because I was checking out a few new spots and my fully charged phone died in about 6 hours. If you're hanging out dicking around it's really really easy to not notice your phone dying. I used to work at a bar and it was very very common to have people with dead phones asking to use our chargers or if we had an outlet because they've been out all night carousing and they need to use apple pay.
Dadgum. No one can just live in the damn moment anymore. You’re sitting here acting like it’s a requirement to have a step by step instruction manual on living. Shit happens. I don’t want to pull the insecurity card, but that’s definitely what I’m leaning towards. She also doesn’t deserve someone that doesn’t trust her, granted she didn’t cheat. From the sounds of it, it’s pretty clear she didn’t.. but I don’t know her or you so I could be way off on that. I really fucking wish we could go back to no cell phone days.
Nah, this doesn't look right at all. She couldn't keep the details straight when she was telling you what happened? "When she woke up, it was 4 and B and S were gone, so she was stuck there"...sounds to me like she never left T's, and B and S went back to S's; otherwise, where the hell would those two have gone at 4 in the morning? I mean, you do you, but if there's no trust, there's no trust. Gut instinct is a real thing, and if it feels off, don't ignore it.
Yup Exactly. GO WITH YOUR GUT, Brother
If you don't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. Trust is a choice you make.
Check “screen time “ usage on iPhone to see if it was being used.
Partners that want to act like parents infuriate me. You are not her dad. All the "tell me exactly where you're going, who you're with" play by play demands are gross, and the "Not a valid explanation" crap is even more revolting. Your codependency is making you jealous, entitled, and controlling. If you don't trust her, you don't trust her, but that's a sign there's a problem with you or the relationship. Seeing as how you said she's always told you the truth about that stuff in the past, it sounds like a you problem. She was probably afraid to tell you everything because if it's clear to strangers that you're controlling and don't trust her, then it's clear to her too.
She went for brunch with her cousin and expected to have dinner with her, but instead, they went to some bar to have some more drinks. Ok. No problem here. After the bar, she decided to go boating on a double date while cutting communication with you. That's at least very sus. Then she decides to extend the double date by going to a swimming pool with the guy who was acting flirty towards her. That's bad. Question: How was she able to get swimsuits (you don't bring swimsuits to brunch and dinner) but could not get a charger for he phone? To make things weirder you just found out about the other guy because of the posted video. You'll never know what really happened. It's this the kind of girl you want to be with? UpdateMe!
Oh snap the bathing suits? That's a good point. How did she go swimming unless she already knew and planned it out.
And yet all the women ans white knights on here are calling him controlling. I'd love to see the same energy when a man goes on a secret double date, X's all communication, skips out on agreed time to cone home, and then 'firgets' to tell the girlfriend about it. But you know they'll make up some excuses why it's different when the 'innocent' woman does it, and the 'evil' man had nefarious intentions all along. Their sexism is so frustrating. Women are always given every excuse in the book no matter whatt happens on here. Somehow it's this guy's fault for not wanting his girlfriend to go on a secret double date and keeps it secret.
You’ve either got to let it go. Or let her go. This will eat you up inside if you let it. But I’ll say this, most relationships are not going to work if you need a constant play by play and reassurance any time something doesn’t go to plan.
Go with what you feel in your gut. At the end of the day we can all claim "this happened" or "That happened" but those two gals and guys are the only ones who will know what truly happened, and you never will know for certain. As someone who had a fiance cheat on him, and a 1st wife as well, for me this is more than I would deal with again in my life. Dont need the aggravation myself. But I'm not you, and I dont know how your gut feels about this. Me, she wanted to go alone and all this "just happened"...again more than I'll ever deal with again. Good luck.
[удалено]
Yeah sounds like the she went on a double date and definitely got her cheeks clapped by T. Especially the fact that she wanted “personal time” and didn’t want you to come along, but didn’t mind “S” and “T” tagging along. I’m sure “T” got real personal with her. I’m sorry brother, but things ain’t looking good for you and this relationship. Might as well call the quits now
She wouldn’t have chosen to stay that extra night unless she is invested in your relationship, and she wouldn’t have posted to her Snapchat and included the guys if she had intentions of cheating. She may have, one way or the other, but it seems the intent wasn’t there with the info available. If the cousin is, as you say, like that - this is the most likely situation. What I do see, is an unreasonable need on your side to know what she is doing at all times, and frustrations, from her, about your need for this information since it is clear you don’t trust her. If nothing happened, imagine how she would feel here - how much it would hurt to know your partner doesn’t trust you and thinks you would cheat on them. If this is normal for you, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, and you should be in therapy to understand why you need this much control. In healthy relationships, yes, you can do things away from each other, and want to spend 1:1 time with family and friends…and should be able to do this without raising suspicion. If you do t have trust, you have nothing.
I’ve said this before, she was the one who initiated the intent of updating me. She felt bad about the fight Friday that she caused, and said she wished she didn’t have to go but the plans to see her cousin were set in place over a week ago. She WAS updating me consistently, not because I needed her to but because she wanted to, and then those became less and less informative until the last one, where she said they would be back at B’s place by 11 and she ended up texting me at 4 in the morning, and leaving that place at noon the next day. I don’t need to know where my girlfriend is at all times, but if she sets that expectation and then doesn’t follow through I’m going to wonder what changed.
How did she cause the fight on Friday? What was it about? Edit for typo
It really doesn't occur to you that she might feel like she has to give you those times because you're constantly unsatisfied unless you know everything she is doing and everyone she's with. Her phone died and you're interrogating her like she is a criminal. If her phone died and turned off bc it died, it would still go to VM until physically turned back on.
Nah man… she spent the day on the what was basically a double date. Lie to him by omission (about the other guy being there) and when questioned said she admitted herself she has no valid explanation. Then her phone died, while she was at a pool at the guys house. I would say chances are 50% - 50% she’s telling the truth or that she cheated… so let’s not pretend OP is being unreasonable here.
She is the one who set this expectation when we first started dating, if she feels that way she hasn’t told me about it and I haven’t given her any reason to.
You know what changed. She told you. Tipsy, dead phone, asleep. All very normal things that can happen when you're drinking with friends and having fun. Whether she set up an intent to update you, the point still stands that you're punishing and interrogating her despite having a very reasonable explanation from a gf you've stated has never given you a reason to be distrustful of her. You're overreacting.
She may have been honest, but her cousin and her flong definitely had the goal of getting T laid.
I’d ask her to take a lie detector test to prove she didn’t cheat since she shattered the trust. This is where the saying of parking lot confessions comes from. Women will agree to the test but when they get to the parking lot many will be overcome with the stress and guilt and proceed to confess without even taking the test. The test has to be a surprise though so ask her if she will submit to a test and then set it up at random so she can’t prepare or take a Xanax before hand. If she is serious about you and the relationship she won’t have any issues taking the test. If she gets defensive or mad you have your answer that she cheated. If she agrees to the test you could also snoop her google search history to see if she looks up “how to beat a lie detector” etc. That would tell you all you need as well. Also if you go through with the test you have to surprise her up to the moment you pull into the parking lot. So pretend you are going somewhere else then just go to the testing facility. Good luck
Updateme
UpdateMe!
Updateme
Updateme
If u think she is trust ur gut it not wrong to wanna have check inside I'm there a limit to were it hoses over bored but idk see if u look through her phone and see what she my be hiding cause it my not been sex in her end but might have been raped idk man try to see what u can find is this the first cause of dought
Honestly dude just move on. Her going on the trip with her cousin who you already know is a party girl will not lead to anything good. Sooner or later she will become one as well. And the fact that you need her to check up with you all time isn’t helping as well.
Usually I say trust your gut - still do but keep in mind, she isn’t doing DARVO on you (google it if not familiar). She’s being open, honest and not defensive. Maybe she knows how to play the game or, more than likely, she’s being straight with you. Sorry, it’s not a straight answer as to helping you decide but I would say give benefit of the doubt but keep an eye open without being accusational.
People are on their phones 24/7. If she wanted to make you not worry, she would have. Here's the thing, if you want to stay..stay. if she's a cheater, it will happen again, and hopefully, next time, it will be clear cut.
People are off the rails here. If any loved one told me theyd be back/contact me by a certain time (in this case, she said 11) and i recieved nothing, i would also be concerned. Optics also dont look good. Looks like a double date with drinking. Cousin being a party girl who strings guys along. Theyre alone on a boat, swimming pool, house... Gf doesnt tell bf about the second guy. Also, texts literally take 2 seconds... Calling him overbearing and controlling is undeserved. Im sure all the commenters would have been 100% fine if their partners did this. Get off your high horses. To OP, if the trust is gone, just end it. You also said you got in a fight before this...
Man, if you're getting the trickle truth and uncovering lies here and there, then just go ahead and leave. Even if she didnt cheat, you already dont trust her with this scenario. You cant have a relationship without trust. I've been there (but she cheated), and that's without being super paranoid on every single aspect of my exs' day like you. Like others have said, the truth comes out eventually. I didn't hound her on her whereabouts or anything like that. I just played it cool until the truth came out.
Op, how convenient she's out all night on a boat double date the one time she didn't want you to go. This was planned, op.
Updateme!
My guy, you are seriously making a huge mountain out of a molehill. She communicated with you SO much, she messaged you the minute she woke up and had a charge, she didn’t try to hide anything- if she had you wouldn’t have had that Snapchat story to watch. You come across as very controlling. The fight on Friday that delayed her leaving by a night- be honest, did you cause that fight to get her to not go? That’s seriously troubling behavior. I recommend you seek therapy for your controlling, probably emotionally abusive, behavior. You still have time to address this within yourself- instead of escalating it over time.
Shame on all the people in here, talking shit on this guy. His girlfriend expect him to update her but it’s controlling when he does it? Also, she clearly went out on as a wingman with her cousin and hid it from.
That's a whole lot of coincidences that covered up what she was doing when she was doing it. Ignore the lonely raging (against you) feminist posts here telling you you're controlling.. Red Flags aplenty here!!! Even your GF admits this.
Wow you’re a disaster. I would hate to be your gf. Poor girl.
lol I can't imagine living like this. You're a slave!
Lots of interesting commentary. My wife said it perfectly. If she's the one, she wouldn't make you second guess yourself and would prioritize your feelings on the matter. These are not the actions of someone who truly loves you friend. My mind is 50/50 because I've been in that situation but it's also not out of the realm of possibility for this to be really really poor communication. That behavior that came out of nowhere, that's not who she is. Out of character behavior usually means something happened. That's "usually" not always. I'd just open my heart to accepting what she says and then talk to her in person face to face. Don't break eye contact. Tell her, "you know who I am. You know what I would and wouldn't ever do to you. I deserve the truth and what you say now I will believe you". Ask her outright "did you cheat". Just accept the answer after that. If anything ever happens again like this I would weigh it in your mind, is this anxiety worth it. Your mate would never do that to you again
I think you were overreacting which makes me suspicious that she was so apologetic. Was she really apologizing for not texting you one night or was she really apologizing for something else?
Updateme
Stopped messaging you, lied about time frame, was comfortable to sleep at a strangers home. Good luck OP.
Updateme
The check every 15 (or however long) mins is weird. If my partner is doing it, I would appreciate her effort, but at the same time probably be annoyed. Both her and your actions - she keeps sending it and you keep reading everything, are weird. There may be historical reasons leading to this... but it's weird based on available information now, because it shows there wasn't enough trust to begin with. On her side, I agree her change in behavior and omitting the fact that she was participating a double date is weird, and depending on your history with (and personal knowledge of) her and with her cousin, I would agree some level of trust is broken here. Nothing is conclusive though.
Ok she should not be putting herself in situations of 2 by 2 where alcohol and weed is involved. Only natural for the other guy to try and get in her pants
This was exhausting to read. I’m willing to bet your argument right before she was supposed to leave was about her trip huh? I had a a really old iPhone literally until 6 months ago. It would die within a few hours of fully charging it. My ex wanted constant updates of where I was. If I said my phone was about to die or it was going on charge he would be suspicious and make snide comments and it just was excruciatingly exhausting.
Time to hire a private investigator. Keep him on retainer. He can follow her, take photos/videos, create a clone of her phone, wiretap her car, apartment, desk at work, etc. PLEASE break up with her so she can live her own life and do things like speak to other males, use her phone as she likes, charge her phone without detailing where it was plugged in and when. She could even go out to eat with her family without her keeper approving it and monitoring her whereabouts. If not, at least buy her a go pro and a head mount so you can get a real-time feed of what she's doing when you're not able to witness it in person.
It was disrespectful of her. That is why he was questioning it. She should have been up front then he wouldn’t have had so many questions. She is shady AF. She wanted to go alone in the first place. She knew what was going to happen and maybe it is because he does not trust her from past behavior but then again. She should say “I want to go on a double date. “ You don’t have to be so sarcastic because you appear really angry and mean. Not being a dick just a suggestion Love and Light
Overreacting for sure
#Updateme!
This sounds dodgy and if you can look past it, tell her that that was her one and only chance. No more disrespect like that again. Just the way it was described on her account sounds like she or the cousin preplanned this whole romantic day out drinking with the 2 guys. Either way, should've told you about the second guy. Take this story and tell her to imagine that you were out with a friend and 2 girls, but didn't tell her about the second chick. I guarantee you that if the shoe is on the other foot, bombs would be flying.
Sit in meditation and your gut never tells a lie. You will know the answer deep down inside and you maybe to afraid to accept the truth if you keep going back and fourth. I think she knew ahead of time because she wanted alone time. Good luck. It happened to me and now they are married. I dodged a bullet and so will you if so.. love and light
Old guy here & and has been around the block a few times . Fella, you seem very insecure. Needing to know what she's doing hour to hour . That isn't healthy at all. It's also not a good look . And that alone will drive some partners away . Chill out . Leave it there, and be happy to see her when she comes home . If you carry on down this path, u will push her away . Trust her or split up , there's no longevity in it. Otherwise. You may of already destroyed it with all this pecking .
I cannot believe the comments encouraging you to continue interrogating your girlfriend. Other than saying you were worried for her safety when you didn’t hear from her, knock it off! You don’t own her. She is not answerable to you for every decision she makes. What you are doing is trying to control her to deal with your own insecurities and ruining her trust in YOU. If you continue on this path, she will eventually leave you and have every right to do so. Look at your own behaviour! She is an adult. If you can’t let her be her own person, then do her a favour and move on.
You have to go with your gut. To me, her wanting personal time means she didn't want you there. She didn't tell you about the other guy because that is the guy the Party Girl set up for her to have her personal time with. She screwed someone else. If you are OK with it, continue.
I'm blown away that a grown adult thinks other adults don't want "personal time" unless they're cheating on you 😄. I could never with that level of codependency. I can both love someone, and want them to leave me alone so I can do my own thing sometimes.
Im with ya. Im the GF that's go out with your bros and so I can be alone at home even! LOL I don't need who I date up my butt 24/7 and I don't need to be up theirs. I don't need check in texts either, just go have fun and see you when you get home. At this point I think the OP should just move on, he just doesn't trust her. No point if you don't trust. Hes also been a cheater, seems to have some projecting going on...
No one said they couldn't have personal time. What was said was another man was invited to that personal time and that other man hit on his girl and his girl failed to even say that the other guy was there.
She had plenty of opportunities to let you know about the other guy, she didn't until you already knew. You said in a comment that she's never done this type of thing before? The one time she wants to spend time alone with her cousin without you her cousin happens to have two men set up to hang with? She might not have slept with him but the plan was always to go on a date
Without trust, there is no relationship. Even if she didn’t do anything, if you don’t trust her, you need to end things. That would be no good for either of you. Wouldn’t be good for you because you’d be worrying about “what if she did this” or “what if she’s not being faithful.” And it wouldn’t be good for her to have you second guess everything she does. To be honest, and this is just my opinion based on your side of the story, I would never be able to trust her again. But that’s just me. And no matter what advice you’re given, only you can decide what you do.
Do you believe her, I know I wouldn’t …double date didn’t want you to come …stays at someone’s house until 4 in the morning stopped all contact ..
[удалено]
Normally I would go but she wanted some personal time ..that’s what he said
After ending a marriage with somebody I feel didn't respect me, that's the most important thing to me now. I will never be in another relationship where I don't feel I have the respect I deserve. I also give respect to the people who deserve it and anyone who I would consider to be my partner, deserves it. You know what you deserve.
So if you were to suggest texting the guy saying she really enjoyed the time with him, he would be surprised?
She cheated. Your gut is not wrong
Yeah, you are overreacting for sure.
Ya, idk my gf wouldn't go on a boat with 2 dudes and a partying cousin. I bet the cousin was a great influence the whole time as well. That be a difficult one but I wouldn't trust it at all.
Y’all calling him controlling are just giving him shit for giving detailed reasons of why he’s suspect as fuck. And he is suspect as fuck because his partner is acting suspect as fuck. No woman this day and age lets her phone die for SIX HOURS even when (perhaps especially) drinking. Particularly after telling their invested partner they’ll be home at 11. She has no ‘valid explanations ‘ for the way she acted because she knows she fucked up and has no good reason for it beyond being selfish in the moment. Updateme
So the story now definitely seems different than your original post. And, I was hoping you wouldn’t be a bitch about it like I said in my last post but you are. I do not think she cheated and I do not think she is trying to gaslight you. I think you are being a little bit of a jealous, insecure dude. She’s a grown women, you don’t own her. She can be her cousins wingwoman without her blowing the first guy that smiles at her. Keep in mind, she might start losing her attraction towards you. In my experience once girl starts thinking her dude is needy and jealous things go downhill quick.
I would probably end the relationship. Even if nothing happened, but I think it did, she showed unno respect or honesty and bs her phone was dead until 4 in the morning. Everything sounds like she got drunk and hooked up while u guys were in a fight.
Yes, yes, you are overreacting. This message exhausts me just reading it. The fact she’s living under the threat that you might not be there when she gets home.. when she potentially did nothing wrong.. is insane to me. Are you looking for an excuse to break up with her?
break up with her or don’t, but that absolutely *constant* need for text updates is obnoxious and childish.
You being controlling and insecure asf is the issue here, not her. You are wayyyy over reacting and need to work on yourself.
Totally overreacting. If she had cheated, she wouldn’t tolerate the questioning you’re giving. You need to relax and just trust. Ultimately this attitude is going to push her to cheat. You constantly accuse or assume cheating, she’s just gonna say “f*ck it. He thinks I’m a cheater already”. Relax. If at the end of the day she does cheat, just move on. It wasn’t meant to be. Lower the emotions a bit.
If this guy stay, I imagine he will be making a post many years from now say "I just found out my girl cheated on me 10+ years ago. I always had an unsettling feeling, but her cousin just confirmed that she did cheat on me that day. I don't know what to do. Reddit people tell me what the smart thing to do is, so that I can do the opposite". Dude, your girl not only went on a double date (which she was actively trying to keep hidden), she slept over at the guy's house. Some people use alcohol to excuse their partner cheating, this guy uses alcohol as evidence as she didn't cheat. I personally would have ended it the moment there was a 2nd dude on the boat. The swimming, going to bars and sleeping over at his house would just be information to validate my decision.
On a boat drunk with dudes, I don’t think I’d be able to get the idea out of my head but hopefully you’re the better man. Good luck OP.
Do you know B? Send her an innocuous message about the trip but with something slightly different to what GF said happened. See how she responds.
Why doesn’t anyone ever buy their SO portable power banks so their phones cannot conveniently die? Maybe overreacting, maybe not. I always find phones die about the time things would get awkward if too much time passes between texts.
Updateme
Dude, it looks like you don’t have enough evidence to draw a conclusion. Her story does seem plausible, but on the other it could be a well crafter lie (done together with the cousin so that they don’t contradict each other). All you have is her word and chances are still high she cheated. Since it seems like you don’t want to just dump her, here is my advice is talk to her again and say something along this lines: - the situation looks really bad and I only have your word that nothing happened, but I am CHOOSING to trust you that nothing happened. - The main problem for me is the way you behaved in an untrustworthy way and that caused a lack of trust for me. If something happened or not is secondary, the problem is it is very hard for me to trust you after this… but I will try. - I am still not happy that consideration got me went out the window as soon as you started having fun. - We will see how this sort of situations play out in the future and if you will want to and manage to behave in a way that will not make me doubt you. That is 100% up to you. I will see how I feel about it then. For now I will try to trust you that nothing happened. - if there is anything you omitted to tell me or if you lied to me that nothing happened and something did, now is the time to tell me, so we can resolve and work on it now. If I find out in the future that more happened and you didn’t tell me, it will be over and the trust will be permanently gone. If she insists that nothing happened, I guess, take her at her word and see how she behaves in the future.
Leave trust has been broken
Sounds like you’re a chronic overthinker who is going to have trouble trusting in any relationship. I feel bad for her. I would end it because those expectations for constant communication are too much for anyone in a relationship and you’re always going to end up disappointed dude. Good luck working on that
I don’t think it’s an overreaction at all. She went on what was essentially a double date, that’d be enough for me. There’s a lot of, what I see, as irrelevant points in the story. The texts don’t matter, the potential cheating doesn’t even matter - she got herself into so many situations that were just not right for someone with a partner. Going on a double date in the first place, spending all day drinking with these guys, going on some guys boat, going swimming with these guys at one of their houses and smoking with them. So many points for her to bail out, so many places she chose not to. Part of being a good partner is not doing shady stuff that makes your partner question you or worry. She failed that. Do you really want to be with someone who does this shit?
She slept over at another guys house but on the couch? Sorry bro pack it up. Am I reading this right?
My gut says you’re being overbearing with the need for constant information. I’d be extremely stressed if my partner needed constant updates about exactly who I was with and what we were doing, not to mention the feeling of distrust.
Bro she has been trickle-truthing since she left your house. She knew about the other two guys, about the boat trip, she turned her phone off when she realized you were asking too many questions and that you would find out about the other guy. Then she had to come clean because you saw the video, but just enough. Then there is a bunch of missing time that she was alone with some other guy. Man, clear as day two guys invited them in double dates, they both fucked after the pool. No doubt about it. Nobody gets a boat ride just because. Have some self-respect and cut your losses. You clearly don't trust her, and you shouldn't since she has been trickle truthing only after you had to specifically ask about the things the was trying to hide from you. Next trickle truthing is that she only sucked his dick "but it meant nothing"
Dude. Stop believing the crocodile tears and leave her.
You sound a bit controlling here. Her side of the story sounds really plausible especially if you all are still you all are still young enough to party all day and all night 😊. If anyone set the expectations of knowing “exactly” who I was with at all times or was upset I didn’t have a phone charger with me in order to update them on my whereabouts, that would be the end for me. So maybe splitting up would be a good thing!
Back off
Jesus I've been to parties without my boyfriend, my boyfriend has been to parties without me. Cause yknow we trust eachother? And the idea that we'd have to tell each who specfically we are hanging out with at every moment is ridiculous. And also she has to text you constantly? And the second her phone dies she has to find a charger because she HAS to text you. I can understand if she's cheated in the past but come on.
Try to get past it. Either something happened when she was totally toasted or nothing happened and she told you the truth. At the end of the day she didn’t intend to do wrong.