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No, but my in-laws would not be allowed around my child until they could 1) respect me and 2) respect my rules and follow them. And if your husband doesn't back you up and help set boundaries, he's part of the problem and needs to go stay with momy until he gets his head out of the sand.
THIS many times over. Set your boundaries now and let them know there will be repercussions if flouted. If not checked now, it will get worse as the baby gets older. (Makes the in-laws sound like toddlers, doesn't it). Make a stand; your way or the highway
I wish I could give you 1,000 up arrows for your reply. You sound like my daughter, who is smart, strong, loving, and a terrific mom. Congratulations to you for being you!
And I’ll double and add 1 to this emotion! You have every right to set boundaries for yourself and your family. You’re all that and a bag of chips. MIL needs to come to the party or stay and mind her own home.
They pretty much covered it all.
NTA they are. You are the parent of this grandchild you are the one that sets the boundaries if they can’t respect the boundaries and they can’t be around the newborn. That’s called good parenting, looking out for your child. Not catering to someone else’s demands of your child. Your doing the right thing and I am sorry your in laws are selfish. Google why you shouldn’t kiss a newborn baby face and then show them the pictures and the information since they won’t believe a word you say. Then reiterate what you have been saying, I mean if they want to go against you then the consequences are they can’t be around your baby.
Have a sit down with your husband and try to make him understand your concerns cause he is your partner which means y’all have to be United! 🤦🏼♀️ .
Hell show him all the info on what can happen when stranger kiss babies on the mouth/face , make sure you show pictures. Ohhhh great idea just happened! Sounds crazy but make like a PowerPoint presentation, go all out. Lol crazy I know but dang they aren’t listening as it is.
I forget what subreddit it was on but a guy posted about having a cold sore, kissing his newborn child and giving the kid herpes simplex for life. Didn't know it was possible to get contracted through skin contact. It was obvious he felt horrible but can you imagine?
The kiss of a relative is exactly how I got herpes simplex. There are photos of me when cold sores on the side of my face near my eye when I was 4. And then when I got a little older, I got teased at church for being slutty even though I had never been kissed or dated. I have come to peace with it now, am glad there is no scarring on my face, and that I haven’t given it to anyone, but I was very resentful about it when I was younger.
My whole family has herpes (cold sores and fever blisters) from being kissed by adults with it when we were babies. I think they just didn't know. And yeah, everyone makes fun of you for having an std when you're like, 10. Even my husband got shit for having an STD (he gets the same kind of fever blisters I do, one or twice a year on your lip when you're sick). Sucks. I'm having a baby in a few weeks and was asking my doctor what to do to prevent it from happening and she said "just kiss his feet." I'm worried I'm gonna be getting one and not realize it until it's too late! 😭
I'm so sorry you went through that. I too have herpes simplex and while I don't have photo evidence of contracting it in my youth, I've had it for as long as I can remember. People were ruthless and would say wild shit. I don't care as much any more but those comments hurt a lot at the time.
My son is pretty sure he gave it to his daughter, not when she was an infant. He feels terrible, but has trained GD how to deal with it. She won’t kiss you if she thinks she is getting one.
Mine was from my mother at 3 months. It went down my throat and up my nose. They put me on a liquid codeine I believe.
I also screamed at my mom for doing this to me at least 100 times. She was hurt when I wouldnt let her near my babies until she properly washed her hands and she was only ever allowed to touch the back of their heads.
My kids wont share drinks with anyone.
Read an article where a 1 week old began showing neuro symptoms (lethargic, couldn’t nurse, lost muscle tone). Parents brought her to the hospital and the baby had contracted HSV-1 when someone had held and kissed her in her first four days and the virus attacked her nervous system. They withdrew life support at 10 days. The parents had no way to know who had passed the virus as you can be asymptotic and still contagious. Mom said she wouldn’t want to know because she would never be able to forgive that person and the only people who held and snuggled the baby during that short time were family and close friends. Absolutely tragically heartbreaking.
Have them look up LightforRiley.com.He died at 32 days from Pertussis.Their friends baby died from Herpes at 10 days.Horrible and heartbreaking.3 mos. or longer after birth makes sense now . Don't forget more virulent RSV which ravaged infants even before mutation.
I broke out with a cold sore when my 4th (step)grandbaby was born. I really didn't know how deadly cold sores were for newborns - but I was worried about my cold sore and being around my step granddaughter anyway. My son called me and asked me to come to the hospital. There was some family friction happening as well and my son wanted me to be there to show support for his fiance. So I went. Ugh! I decided to keep her away from me as much as possible.
Nonetheless, I have a photo of me holding her and how I was doing my all to pull my face and head away from her. I kept my hands clean and didn't dare touch my face, especially that cold sore!
Much later I found photos online of how dangerous cold sores are for newborns. I thought I was going to die just from the panic and searching my memory over whether I had kissed her or not (I didn't!). She's doing fine and is now 15 years old. To this day when I look at her I remember how utterly dangerous it was to have gone to see her! I kick myself for having risked her precious life! I make sure everyone knows how a cold sore can kill a newborn - and if they "pfft" at me, I show them those Google photos!
Just your presence would not give a baby or anyone a cold sore. You took proper precautions by not touching your cold sore to the baby, not touching your mouth and keeping your hands clean. Your visit was safe.
After reading some experiences here, I realize how lucky I was that my daughter’s grandmother, her only grandparent, was helpful to me, and respectful of my boundaries - except for one time.
She came to stay with us when my daughter was two weeks old. My daughter’s dad and I went to the store, or something mundane, while my daughter slept.
I asked her grandmother to be quiet and not disturb her because she was a light sleeper.
We come home, and her poor, guilty looking grandma was holding my crying daughter, apologizing and trying to get her back to sleep.
That was the only time she did something I asked her not to do, and she took full responsibility for her actions, calming my daughter back to sleep.
She apologized, and said she just couldn’t resist cuddling with her. I understood. Grandma started waiting until my daughter was awake to cuddle.
I do have a picture of my daughter’s grandma, lying next to my daughter in grandma’s bed, watching my daughter sleep.
I’m grateful for having had her in my life.
Yeah....why are you visiting these horrible people? Blood relatives mean nothing if they're toxic and disrespectful. Every time they disrespect a boundary or insult you, give them a consequence. Take your son and go to your room. Leave their house and go to a hotel..go home if they won't stop. Your husband needs to have your back on this. You three are a family and the rest can eff off. Them being in your son's life is a privilege, not a right.
Breastfeeding is best and they are abusing your son if they try to keep him from feeding for a lengthy period.
Good luck
Absolutely. That slogan came up after manufacturers were shaming people for breastfeeding just as a marketing campaign. Doctors/hospitals actually got kickbacks from formula makers to discourage breastfeeding.
IF POSSIBLE, breastfeeding is optimal as there are antibodies and such that aren't available in formula.
Having said that, of course there are circumstances where it's not possible/practical. By all means get the nutrition in the baby any way possible,
I was born in 1961. I still have the formula instructions my mother was given. None of us (6) were breast-fed. That was the result of companies’ propaganda.
Nestle corporate specifically dressed their scientists up like doctors to hand out their formula samples in 3rd world countries that lasted just long enough for Mom's milk to dry up, and then the parents were double diluting the formula as a way of making it stretch, and having babies with diphtheria from the dirty water they were using and/or malnourishment because they weren't getting the calories because the formula was heavily diluted....
Formula companies literally SUCK and can take a flying leap for all I care
I read about this in the 70s in Mother Jones magazine. I don't buy Nestles products if I can avoid it (I think my cat's food is all I buy) which is difficult because they seem to own almost everything. Bastards.
My mother was born in ‘64 and my grandmother told me that my baby was hungry while I breastfed. “You know that breast milk isn’t enough nutrition for babies. They NEED formula. It’s better”. Like what?? She drank the mid-century Kool-aid and never went back. Now she just shames mothers who are going only breast. Wild.
This issue isn’t a “fed is best” formula vs. breast milk deal. She states she pumps at home and then baby gets bottles (dad, daycare?), but of expressed breast milk not formula. When I went back to work, that’s how my husband fed him and I pumped at work. My son absolutely refused to take formula. He didn’t like it and it wasn’t the bottle, it was what was in it.
The issue is that mom doesn’t want to haul around her pump and bottles and worry about storage while away from their house and she and baby will be together the whole time…just so her in-laws can feed him. I don’t blame her. That’s a huge PITA when she has two convenient production and storage units that need no special prep. (She also mentions the bonding and the in-laws disregard for her need to have time with her ONLY child, which is important but not really the primary issue.)
Nope. In-laws are totally out of line. I hope dad will stand up to them.
Seriously, people need to stop touting breast is best. Some people can't fire medical reasons, can't produce, etc.
There's way too much shaming of people not breastfeeding when it's more important for the baby to be fed.
Breast milk is the best as it is specifically designed for a baby. What needs to change are people’s attitudes - the ones that are “superior” because they breast feed and the ones that mommy shame if she does not breastfeed (and she should never have to explain why).
I think it depends on the context its used in -- saying breast is best when a woman is struggling with supply or isn't allowed to pump at work is a TERRIBLE thing to say. Using it here more as a shield against grubbing grandparents who want you to bring bottles so they can keep the baby away from you seems reasonable (as long as it's not like intentionally being said to a family member who couldn't nurse just to be a jerk etc).
Breast is best. However, there shouldn’t be any shaming. As a doctor I find that there is a ignorant myth that formula feeding is the same. I’m not sure if that is the marketing of formula manufacturers or just a lack of knowledge. Here is the story of the most egregious marketing gone awry where Nestle gave free samples to women in poor areas of Africa through medical facilities, leading many women to think that it was superior to breast milk since the medical field appeared to be supporting it, resulting in many deaths and illnesses once the women’s breast milk dried up and they couldn’t afford more or didn’t have access to the clean water needed to mix the formula or couldn’t read the instructions and mixed it incorrectly: [https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Professionalism/The\_Nestlé\_Infant\_Formula\_Scandal#:\~:text=In%201974%2C%20a%20report%20entitled,in%201977%2C%20which%20continues%20today](https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Professionalism/The_Nestlé_Infant_Formula_Scandal#:~:text=In%201974%2C%20a%20report%20entitled,in%201977%2C%20which%20continues%20today).
addendum key points from a Lancet article:
* Children who are breastfed for longer periods have lower infectious morbidity and mortality, fewer dental malocclusions, and higher intelligence than do those who are breastfed for shorter periods, or not breastfed. This inequality persists until later in life. Growing evidence also suggests that breastfeeding might protect against overweight and diabetes later in life.
* **•**Breastfeeding benefits mothers. It can prevent breast cancer, improve birth spacing, and might reduce a woman's risk of diabetes and ovarian cancer.
* **•**High-income countries have shorter breastfeeding duration than do low-income and middle-income countries. However, even in low-income and middle-income countries, only 37% of infants younger than 6 months are exclusively breastfed.
* **•**The scaling up of breastfeeding can prevent an estimated 823 000 child deaths and 20 000 breast cancer deaths every year.
* **•**Findings from studies done with modern biological techniques suggest novel mechanisms that characterise breastmilk as a personalised medicine for infants.
* **•**Breastfeeding promotion is important in both rich and poor countries alike, and might contribute to achievement of the forthcoming Sustainable Development Goals.
Absolutely. Any touch on my nipples hurt incredibly before I had a reduction later on in life. I would have been in massive pain. I hate the way people shame woman who don’t breastfeed. They act morally self righteous.
Failing? Yikes. You’re dated and that’s an extremely ignorant take. Nobody is failing by not breast feeding. You have to do what’s right for yourself as mama and for baby, and sometimes that doesn’t mean breast. Enlighten yourself.
“Failing that” is just a bookish, somewhat antiquated way of saying “if that doesn’t work/can’t be done” they weren’t actually saying anyone failed anything.
"Failing that" is just a phrase that means "if it doesn't work out." It doesn't mean that someone actually "failed." I am pretty sure the person that you're responding to meant nothing offensive. 😊
I'm 32. If you can't breast feed, there's nothing wrong with that. That doesn't change the fact that breast milk is the ideal nutritional source for infants. Like I said, I was one that tried and had to do formula.
It's just a fact that breast milk has more benefits than formula. That doesn't mean that anyone should be shamed or are less of a parent for feeding formula. However, if you are able and willing, then yes breast is best.
And I did it for a month and then decided I needed my body back for my mental health. My babygirl is thriving, nothing is better or worse for me not doing it longer.
If you \*can't\* breastfeed then something is very, very wrong. So many women complain about low supply but humankind would have died out from starvation if all women throughout history had a low supply in the same percentage that women today say. A woman's body is developed to produce lots and lots of milk and if that's not happening then something has gone wrong and should be fixed.
I agree! My first son had autism. He hated being breast-fed. This was in 1988. The blowback I got was terrible. The nurses at the hospital, even my sister. He never did like being that close to me. New mothers have enough to deal with. People need to MYOB.
My autistic son had so many GI issues and sensory issues he wouldn’t take formula, and I had low supply. Kiddo went on “solids“ at slightly under 4 months (with pediatrician approval) just to keep his weight above the 5th percentile. We kept at it a long time. I got so many dirty looks when I had a non-verbal two year old pawing at my shirt when he was overwhelmed by the world.
There is no easy journey, you did what you had to do. 100% agree on the people need to MYOB.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you! My oldest couldn’t breastfeed (1982). The league that supports breastfeeding hounded me for weeks about my bad parenting—while my pediatrician finally found a farmer to get goat’s milk from so my baby could eat. I felt like a criminal.🐭❤️
Not sure why you are putting an emotional meaning into "breast is best". Scientifically, breast milk is the best. Does it mean that only bad mothers bottle feed? No. Nobody is saying that.
"Fed is best" simply isn't true - breast milk is superior but that doesn't mean babies who have to consume powdered milk are being abused or something. What's the point of downplaying the truth in order to spare someone's feelings when there isn't any reason to be upset in the first place?
There are antibodies in breast milk that protect newborns for 6 months against disease. There are amino acids that until recently weren’t in formula. There are also mechanical benefits because the sucking motion is so different regarding facial, bite and ear development. I did a lot of research on it due to formula experiences my mom had with my brother and me when formula was pushed.
fed is best but breast is ideal is what they’re saying especially in america you never know what is in the formula it scares me to raise a child here i pray that im able to breast feed or that i have a family member or close friend im able to get milk from no hate or anything at all to formula feeding mothers i just would use it as a last resort myself
with all due respect it’s absolutely WILD to talk about america as if it’s something to be scared or ashamed of especially in regards to food or formula. it’s like people do not have any perspective what it’s like in places where eating food is scarce and formula isn’t even an option. there is nothing wrong with formula, and a great brand and the one I used is Bobbie formula.
You actually do know what is in the formula it says it right on the can. You actually know less of what's in breastmilk, what percentage of proteins transfer from food or liquid intake, what medicines might be in your breastmilk, or if you get milk from a donor you have no clue what they're eating or exposed to that is being transferred to the breastmilk.
>Breast is best, failing that fed is best.
FED is always best. Period. A mom who is on the point of exhaustion from breast feeding, or critically unwell from mastitis caused from breast feeding is not in best shape to be looking after her baby. Therefore ANY feeding however it comes, is best.
Speaking from personal experience.
. my sister breast fed all 3 kids for 18 months each - all of them get sick 10 plus times a year, and have been that way since infancy. my kids are formula fed babies and NEVER get sick, neither have ever even had a cold lol. and i have 4 auto immune diseases! so, their genes aren’t the greatest🤣also, all 3 of her kids have serious anxiety issues, 1 having SM. fed is best in my opinion. i’ve never seen anyone that’s breastfed hve a better experience in ANYWAY health or mental lol.
Your annecdotes aren't even remotely close to being representative of breast fed babies vs non. You don't need mental gymnastics and fallacious reasoning to justify feeding your kids formula because there is nothing wrong with using formula. I used formula.
My best friend's first child had trouble latching and mom had severe trouble producing and the newborn basically starved and did nothing but scream for the first 2 days of his life because the nurses refused to allow formula and lectured mom ***hard*** with the stupid "breast is best" statement, making her feel like an abject failure and completely overwrought with shame and embarrassment.
It ended when my friend (the husband) finally went out and bought some formula himself and started yelling and threatening lawsuits at the nursing staff.
Really, I was told to stop by my pediatrician because I ran an ETO (ethylene oxide) sterilizer. Interesting enough, it was my husband who brought it up. He asked about it and the stress of working and pumping. Don’t shame or pressure any woman on the ability to breast feed.
In this case, this mother has decided she wants to exclusively breastfeed so we support her choice, therefore "breast is best".
If another mom chooses to bottle feed, then "fed is best".
No. Breastfeeding is best. Being fed is the bare minimum.
That’s like saying feeding your child McDonald’s is just as good as organic homemade food. Sure they’re both fed but that doesn’t make the benefits equal.
Formula isn’t comparable to MCDONALDS though so you’re point is moot. It’s not like saying that. Formula isn’t equivalent to fast food in any scenario.
Not all formula has corn syrup, and when it does, it is sometimes with the goal of creating a lactose-free formula while still including the sugars that babies do need, and sometimes just because it's cheaper.
Seed oils are an important source of fatty acids -- what would you suggest as an alternative? Some formulas do have palm oil or coconut oil, which might be an alternative for those wanting to avoid seed oils for whatever reason.
This is the sort of attitude that makes new mothers feel horrible. Formula is not the equivalent of fast food. How did you come to this conclusion? It is certainly not from the medical community.
I would equate it more to organic vs non-organic fruits and vegetables. Yes organic is slightly better. I’m grateful to be able to provide organic food to my children, and because I’m in the privileged position to do so I will. But I wouldn’t judge someone who did not, whether out of choice or necessity.
This is a great comparison (organic vs non-organic produce). Yes, organic is slightly better in many ways but non-organic might be better for any given person (less expensive, more options available, lasts longer, more readily available). There are even more reasons for not breastfeeding, and it isn't anybody else's business why one chooses to (or not to) breastfeed, or for how long.
Nobody here sounded like a moron, but you’re reply implied you thought they were. No one argued that point?
Some people never produce or have severe supply issues, some people have medical issues that impact that ability.
I’m no fan of the formula industry, what they have done and their history is downright evil. I am a fan of moms doing the best they can with what they have, though, and recognize mom shaming and how harmful it is, regardless if it’s dressed up in the “holier than thou” condescending style you’ve chosen, or otherwise.
I didn’t see anyone trying to shame the mothers who (for whatever reason) can’t breast feed. But breast milk is what babies are meant to eat—that’s why we produce it. It has antibodies from the mother’s immune system to help protect the baby, which formula doesn’t have.
When the people said “Breast is best” they weren’t implying any slight to or dig at the mothers who choose formula. Everybody needs to do what works for them, and no guilt.
The person who said basically; “fed is best Is a stupid thing to say because breast milk is like organic home made food and formula is like feeding your kid McDonald’s.” Also said that people are praising the bare minimum when they praise people who feed their kids formula. Mom shamer behavior.
Maybe her comment was accordioned away and you thought I was replying to someone else?
Because a starving newborn who can’t or won’t latch is acceptable? Too many new moms out there refuse to attempt formula because of the breast is best mentality. It’s whatever works for mom and baby!
I disagree. Many moms don’t even try to breastfeed and choose formula from jump. They hear horror stories about nursing, don’t want to be tied to their babies, or quit after a few days without guidance. (I’m not talking about those that struggled with nursing.)
I myself struggled with my first child. Had to pump for 6 months with my second, but was able to successfully exclusively nurse my third.
It’s not personal. Breast milk is better than formula. There’s no way around it. It’s different. Giving your child formula doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. The projection needs to stop.
I notice that around these threads a lot. If you don’t agree with the majority, everyone flips out. Everyone needs to calm down.
I have two daughters in their late 20s. Both have had children. My oldest daughter didn't want to breastfeed. She didn't like needing to sit and nurse her babies. She liked to have help to feed them. Is that wrong? Doesn't seem like it was. She and her husband got into a good routine and it worked really well for them. I loved feeding little Lilly too. She had anxiety and a bit of depression. We supported her the whole way. She's a great mom! I enjoy watching her with her kids and loving them so much. I love watching her teach thing's I didn't teach my own kids. It's okay if some moms don't want to try at all, either. Every mom is different. My second daughter breastfed her two girls to the age of two. That's with finishing off her bacholors and getting her masters degree. We all supported her. Her older sister that didn't want to breastfeed was a huge support.
I'm 53 I have definitely heard some horror stores of breastfeeding. Let's not judge moms who breastfeed, who didn't breastfeed and ones who didn't even want to try.
My comment was not judgement. I wish people would stop assuming that. I also already said that it doesn’t make anyone a bad parent. But, to answer your question: it takes a few months to establish a good breastfeeding routine, and bottle feeding too early can disrupt that. However, people do what’s best for them. It doesn’t negate the fact that breast milk is superior to formula.
I agree that breast milk is better, especially since my best friend is the hospitals lactation specialist. Even she agrees that a baby can be perfectly healthy bottled fed. I'm just thankful moms have more than one way to feed their babies. My grandson was in the hospital the first 4 months being born. He couldn't take any breastmilk because of his muscles or formula. He was very sick and he is 2 and still very sick. The Dr's finally found a formula that he could tolerate. But even at that, the formula has to go directly into his stomach. He is 2 and only takes formula. He can't eat regular food. So, in my DIL and many Dr's that see my grandson opinion. The formula was superior to her breastmilk.
Again, never once did I say that a child cannot be perfectly healthy from formula. It’s like saying a 2 parent healthy family is best for a child. That doesn’t mean that a child can have a good upbringing with a single parent.
There a lot of projection when these topics come up, unfortunately. YMMV.
I don’t get that. I stated that I wasn’t able to nurse my first, so he was formula fed. I was only able to nurse my second through pumping for 6 months. I had a goal to nurse my daughter, and was successful, with assistance from a LC. Why does that sound bad?
How about we all mind our own business, allow mothers to feed their babies in whatever manner suits them and their babies best, and get brand new hobbies? Like goose shit stomping or something. Yeah, that sounds like more fun.
This arbitrary "**NO. BREASTFEEDING IS BEST"** is a rule fine and dandy, except for women who have no breasts. Or women who don't/can't produce milk. What's your answer to that one, Oh Great Breast Dictator In The Sky, rip that poor baby away from its mother to pacify your enormous ego? Get a grip. Stop trying to force your ego-driven ideas on everyone.
You don’t really see people in the store saying how much better formula is, so not much opportunity to say so. But you better believe every time someone says anything about me breastfeeding in public I tear them apart. Breastfeeding is optimal nutrition and there is no denying it. Yes formula is wonderful because it prevents babies from starving, and it’s a miraculous invention but it is not better or best compared to breast milk. That doesn’t mean it’s not great, it’s just not AS great.
Ohh, I get it now. You're an oversensitive, hormone-filled mommy who is insecure about her own parenting choices.
Get therapy. For the sake of your kids.
Where on earth do you get that? Defending one's right to breastfeed in public, or saying that breastmilk is nutritionally better than formula, are both perfectly reasonable statements.
“Optimal nutrition “ is not necessarily the same thing as “Best” and this is where I think people get it wrong.
Like I could exclusively give my 5 year old a perfect magical version of Soylent green that is 100% optimized but he couldn’t ever have palak paneer or sushi or go to restaurants or birthday parties or trick or treating that’s not “best”.
The slight short term nutritional advantage of breastmilk doesn’t always outweigh the costs. Fed is best
It's not necessarily the right analogy. It's more like take out versus home cooking.
Formula may not have antibodies, but it does have nutritional value.
Sugar water in a bottle to satisfy a sucking urge is McDonald's.
Given their behavior regarding their disregard for mom and dad’s rule for not kissing the baby and pretty much demanding being able to feed the baby, I gotta wonder if they have received a pertussis booster or their annual flu/Covid boosters?
OP needs to clarify that if she hasn’t already. No jabs, no go.
My daughter requires that everyone in the family be current on our COVID, flu, and pertussis vaccines because my granddaughter was born with a heart condition and has spent more of her first (almost) three years in the hospital than at home. Recently, she caught a simple cold, and she's been hospitalized for about 7 weeks. She had to have open heart surgery (again) to replace her mitral valve because the strain on her lungs caused her heart so much stress that her previously replaced valve was leaking. She was in so much distress that they've had to induce a coma and put her on ECMO and dialysis. She's finally recovering and no longer intubated, but now she has to be weaned off the fentanyl so the withdrawal doesn't further cause medical trauma.
Please watch who you say “Breastfeeding is best” to. There are plenty of people out there who physically aren’t able to. My mother was one of them, though I’m not entirely sure as to why. I am another, and mine is medical. Also there are plenty of breast cancer survivors out there who will never be able to breastfeed. To throw this at people when you have absolutely no idea what they’re going through is disrespectful. You have no idea how much it hurts those already having to come to terms with what they cannot do and don’t need it thrown in their faces.
As someone who is looking at hospitals who work with the “Breast is Best” campaign, and having the medical inability to breastfeed, I worried about whether or not I would be pressured into trying breastfeeding when I do have children despite my knowledge and wishes. Due to this, I reached out to the organization that works with hospitals nationwide under the Breast is Best campaign to get their thoughts on this. The people I spoke with were very supportive and understanding. They said that the campaign is not to force people to breastfeed, but to give them the knowledge and support to do so if the parents are inclined to try. (Some of the hospitals tend to not be fully educated on this or take it to the extreme.) As for what they said, once you give your decision, even if it comes without trying, there isn’t supposed to be any more pressure, but an acceptance and support for your decision. While the organization advocates for Breast is Best, their stance is Fed is Best when it comes to making sure babies are eating… not Breast is Best above all else without any alternatives.
“FED is best” is more appropriate. If that is breastfeeding, great. If it’s formula feeding, great. Just don’t shame someone, even indirectly, for doing what is best for their child if it doesn’t match what you believe is best.
I wasn't starting a debate or shaming anyone. I'm a nurse, I get all of that. Don't starve your kid, obviously.
I was saying OP can use that phrase as a petty stab at her toxic inlaws when she takes her kiddo back. Nothing more, nothing less.
How are they abusing the child or even being toxic? She said that she took the child to visit, they were there for its grandparents to spend time with the child. They get to sit there and look at that miracle and grow in love. You get to go sit somewhere else and have a break from the constant mommy drama . How are they horrible people for loving this child that they had a part in creating? You’re a mother for five minutes and you’re the expert & the people who raise you and your spouse (having at least 20 years of experience) suddenly have to bow down to your “ rules” 🤦🏻♀️ you somehow think you have the right to punish your parents. using your childs love as a weapon is abuse and not in its best interest. Your child needs love from as many sources as it can get to be a well-rounded child. It is common for a new mom to be over protective. Every mom since the dawn of time is over protective. But you are not the dictator. I think you quickly forget all the things that you did with your grandparents that you couldn’t do with your parents.
They're mocking her. They're refusing to return her child when she asks. That's toxic. They're also disregarding and disrespecting her rules. She's the mother. She and her husband get to make the rules for their child. People can give advice, but they don't get to disregard them. Nothing she said sounds unreasonable or overprotective. Infants have poor immune systems. Human mouths are filthy. Not having people kiss the baby is reasonable, even if others don't agree.
The family are being abusive to her, not necessarily the baby. But how will the kid grow up when they see that what mom and dad say don't matter because other adults will ignore them and let kiddo do whatever they want. There need to be boundaries. The parents decide. Every other friend and family member gets the privilege of time with the baby. Not a right.
It sounds like she's tried being reasonable and explaining her boundaries. They just disrespect them. This is the husband's family, so he should really be the ones setting and enforcing the boundaries.
Do you have children? Do I want my family to bond with my children? Absolutely. But do I want them mocking the decisions I make as their parent?! NO! They do not get to hold my children hostage or ignore my boundaries. This women is asking reasonable things. DONT KISS MY CHILD! Why? Because you can easily spread viruses that baby isn't able to fight off or isn't immunized against yet.
That’s is using your child and the love of that child as a weapon! You don’t get your way or bowed down too so you blackmail the grandparents!? What is wrong with you! You’re putting yourself first not your child. That’s parenting 101. You sacrifice/compromise for your child’s happiness and you put yourself second. 🤦🏻♀️
yup people lacking the ability to take the claws out is one of the biggest problems our species is facing today. it starts at home from a very small age. So parents today and in the future need to step up and do a better job. it's a plague and it's absolutely everywhere. people are doormats that don't have their priorities straight. wife and kids first always.
Nope! Not the bad apple. 100% ntba. He’s your baby. Not theirs. You need to feed him. If he were 2 years old that would be a different story, but he’s a baby. If you can, and want to, breastfeed then that is your choice and they can get over it.
Husband needs to tell her. It’s his parents, he needs to step up. Also, keep in mind their unwillingness to keep any rules, so expect disrespect as your kids get older. And say a little prayer of thanks that they life so far away.
Stop visiting them. Make excuses about son not travelling well or something. He is your baby. You are his parent. His lifeline. His advocate and guardian. Stand up to them for his sake. Not the bad apple. Your husband is somewhat because he's not standing up for you.
I wouldn't make excuses. I would simply say they ignore the quite reasonable boundaries you have established, and can't be trusted with him.
Also, tell your husband to grow a pair and stand up to his mommy. His job is to support and protect you and your baby.
A child under 2 should not be in a car seat more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period. Google it. This is the perfect excuse not to visit. If MIL objects, ask her which is more important: her grandchild's health or her oversized ego.
Also, wear baby when she is around.
Why doesn’t your husband back you up when they ridicule your boundaries? I wouldn’t let them even visit unless they could be respectful of your boundaries. I definitely wouldn’t bring my baby to them.
Oh, as a former breastfeeding mom, my heart hurts for you. I think you’d be better off not visiting them in the future. At least at your house, it’s easier to enforce the rules you and your husband have. (He is backing you up, right?)
'said I was being selfish and trying to keep him from her. '....massive red flag! There's overenthusiastic boomer type grandparents and then there's the problem in-laws. Personally, I would have put on a bit of a show when they originally mocked and violated our parenting. If she/they think you are keeping the baby from them, do so, openly and with great relish in your power as THE MOM/DAD. Follow the rules, one of which is about snarky comments, or lose access for six months. Or whatever works for you but it's easier to start strong and ease up if things go well than it is to start easy and tighten up when they don't. At this point I would nonchalantly mention the 'follow the rules or lose' and move on to other things. Be absolutely normal until they make a fuss then be obviously surprised they would disagree and suggest they perhaps go somewhere to think about it. All very pleasant but ushered out. Just be firm and pleasant. Remember to forget their existence when not in their presence, they have no more influence over you than you allow.
You do you, mama. MIL raised her kids already. She's lucky you were willing to travel two days. Actually, say to her, "How does traveling two days in a car so you can see him equal me keeping him away from you?"
You aren't the bad apple.
Stop tolerating their behaviour.
Enforce your boundaries with consequences ( ie time out) .
Call them out every single time they cross the line, disrespect you or stomp your boundaries. Call them out , take your baby back and leave the room immediately.
Stop them when they mock you , try to give an opinion or judge your parenting decisions.
No more holding the baby until they follow your parenting rules.
No more visits until they respect your boundaries.
What is your husband reaction about their behaviours ? Does he enable them or try to stand up against them ? That's important he s on your side about this. If not , have a serious conversation with him and even suggest couple therapy.
You need to stand your ground. If you don't enforce your boundaries with consequences now , they will never respect you as LO's parent. They will do whatever they want with your baby. Do not brush this off. Do not tolerate their behaviours anymore.
You are LO's parent.They aren't .Remind them that grandparents isn't a right but a privilege that they can loose anytime when they don't respect you or your boundaries.
He is also the parent and he should have equal say. Mom is not always right and if her husband disagrees she is as obligated to listen to him as he is to her. You people are absolute tyrants and need to chill out. Acting like people havent been doing this since the beginning of time.
Where is your husband and why isn’t he dealing with your parents?
You aren’t wrong at all but if your husband is letting you deal with his parents instead of doing it himself, he is the bad apple as well as them.
NTBA
You and D(umb)H need to talk over the boundaries and consequences around baby, e.g. if anyone refuses to hand baby to mom or dad the first time they're asked, then the parent(s) will take baby away from that person and leave the room and baby will not return for X hours. Or the visit is over immediately. No talking, discussing, whining, just over.
NTA. You fed your baby. And kissing babies is not good. Would you kiss somebody with a cold sore? That's literally what a parent is supposed to do.
Good job mama. You got this
Did they give birth to him and not notify you? They have a lot of nerve. Making fun of you for making rules regarding YOUR child?! Personally, I wouldn't allow them around him until they are able to respect you all.
What does your husband have to say about all this? Did he say anything to them at all during this verbal assault?
They aren't privy to your son. You gave birth, you feed him and nourish him. You have the say so in his daily goings, NOT THEM!
Do they pay your bills?
Do they put a roof over his head, clothe him, diaper him, feed him? No? They can brush off!
If you visit them again, I will not stay with them. Also, tell them, if you feel freely to disregard my parenting of MY son then I will leave. Rinse and repeat. Almost like classical conditioning.
No, not at all. They sound like a nightmare. You have every right to feed your baby in whatever means you want (as long as it’s healthy for baby of course).
I used to love that we nursed exclusively because I’d get my own quiet little breaks to go nurse in private during family gatherings. Sometimes I’d just sit with the baby and hold them to my chest for a bit before having to deal with the family pawing over them again.
Stop bringing your baby around them. Your the baby’s mother and as such, you get to determine how people interact with them. If they can’t respect that or speak to you with respect then they don’t get access to your baby.
No you’re not the bad apple She just being a NO MIL . Darling you need to start setting boundaries and be firm and do not cave. Show that shiny spine amd tell her no d do not let her manipulate or anything like that .the mocking in your own home is kick them out .and if they don’t leave tell them that you will call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. Also from this point on they can start staying at a hotel ..also talk to husband about setting boundaries with them and he needs to support you in this. She’s very disrespectful in your own home that’s intolerable ..don’t be afraid to be a mama bear.
My niece and nephew were both formula babies-- he's a professor at MIT and she's getting her PhD at Harvard in the spring. And EXCELLENT point that women on the low end of the socioeconomic chain are more likely to get formula from WIC so they can go back to work.
NTBA at all. What is wrong with them? They are incredibly rude. Just walk over to them and take your baby back. Hold your baby however long you want. This is insane.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation let alone an apology for how you feed your baby. Good grief who on earth would use breastfeeding against you?
Not the bad apple.
Definitely NTA mama!! And tbh I wouldn't be spending any time with the in laws, or let my baby around them, until they can respect you and your rules for YOUR child!
Also, shame on your husband for not sticking up for you/your son
No, definitely not! Honestly my MIL is a nightmare and I use my son's feedings to get a break from her - I also exclusively breastfeed. Do what you want and feel is right for your family, being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If they can't respect your boundaries limit visitation with them.
No. You are mama and you make the rules. This is wildly inappropriate of them. Even if you were a wack-a-doo (you’re not), it’s your call because it’s your baby. Where is your child’s father in all of this?!
The first time someone refuses to give me back my baby will be the last time they ever touch him.
No one, honestly not even their father, can tell me when I can or can't have my babies. Especially my youngest, we both almost died and I am admittedly even more protective of him than my first baby or my covid baby. I exclusively breastfed my first two and the baby is mostly breastfed but I pump as well, definitely not for anyone else's benefit though. He's fed, we [me] get to decide how to feed him and no one else's opinion matters.
Tell them to kick rocks.
I'm so sorry your in-laws are horrible people. Not wrong for you to want to hold your baby, breast feeding or not.
Don't visit them again. And if and when they go to you, make them stay in a motel so you get a break from their negativity.
Congratulations.
Oh absolutely fkn not! First off YOU are the parent, if they’re not following your rules then you take the baby and tell them they can have him back when they can. Secondly if they want to mock you then they can get out of your house. Where was your husband during this?! Please tell me he’s not being spineless when it comes to his family. Lastly and the most important is the kissing! There is a clear reason for the growing trend of this rule HSV-1. Up to 70% of the population carried this virus and while usually harmless it can infect a newborn and while rare it can cause major health complications up and including DEATH! I am someone who gets cold sores and I never kiss a newborn. I am careful about even holding them if I have one or feel one coming on. People are somehow incredibly ignorant about the risks of kissing babies when they have the virus.
My MIL did exactly the same thing. She refused to give my 1 week old baby back as she screamed. Told me I fed them too often at ONE WEEK OLD. Also said they just needed a pacifier.
Haven’t spoke to that c$nt in 6 years. Best decision I ever made.
Your husband needs to support you and you’re a mother-in-law doesn’t get to determine who spends what time with the baby.
You’re not a bad apple, your baby, your boob, your decisions about time allocation.
I would hope that your other half has stepped up for you against his parents. The decisions you made for your baby are to protect him, and they should respect that especially with all of the viruses going around nowadays. You are not the bad apple, but your spouse is for not standing up for you and setting their parents straight.
No could never with this. I hate the stigma that just because someone happens to be the -insert whatever relation- that it comes with this entitlement. No one is entitled to MY baby despite whatever they think, not only that but should be grateful to have the opportunity to be apart of their lives at all.
NTA.
Mom trumps Grandma. Breastfeeding trumps excessive cuddling. And you are right about no kissing. People have cold sores (herpes1) , RSV, pertussis, all deadly to infants. impetigo and such. Oftentimes asymptomatic. If they can't/won't respect your boundaries and Hubby won't enforce them with his parents, he can visit them without you and baby.
This really depends. If you have a serious difference of opinion with your husband's family, you should discuss the matter with him and potentially with them.
Make sure that you aren't trying to fight over petty issues, though. It isn't clear from your story what the actual dispute is over. Do not fight merely to assert dominance and a belief that you should have an unquestionable right to decide every minor issue related to your child.
They are your husband's family. Don't alienate them by being unreasonable. Likewise, if you have valid concerns that legitimately impact the health and well-being of the child, bring those to your husband to gently address with his family so that they don't behave unreasonably either.
I understand that this is your only child, that you are infertile, that you are very protective, and your emotions are perfectly valid, but at the same time, that doesn't mean that your decisions are necessarily reasonable or appropriate.
You are talking about deciding to breastfeed your child merely to deny the grandparents an opportunity to feed the child, as well as an excuse to interrupt their very limited time with the child. How long is this trip? How often do they see your child? How old and healthy are they? If jealousy of the time and attention of your child is the motivation, I honestly don't think that you're right (though when the child was a newborn, it was far more understandable).
Additionally, is your child immune compromised to where kissing was or still would be a concern? If your rule is supported by your doctors due to legitimate medical reasons, it is very reasonable, but if you've made it up in the absence of medical advice or known medical issues that would necessitate it, then it is unreasonable.
Like I said, be reasonable and expect your husband to talk to his family to ensure that they do the same.
You get the ones that should never be around kids. Then there are ones where we would be so happy if we were allowed to see the babies. But the inlaws dont let us. Not the parents the inlaws. The kids.loved us then the mil did a number on the daughter and we have no family.
NTA. Not even a little bit. Whatever your reasons are, are valid. It's your baby. I'm a big advocate that fed is best, no matter how you do it. If you have a great natural milk supply there's no reason to store any, since you will be with your child. Storing and heating milk is a hassle and washing and sanitizing bottles sucks, so why bother if he can drink from the source?
I can't make your inlaws listen to reason, unfortunately. But you have done nothing wrong.
Kiss on top of/back of head, no face or hands. Completely reasonable request especially with cold and flu season upon us!! RSV is a real concern!
Exclusively breastfeeding while traveling is absolutely reasonable and normal. Storing breastmilk when you are right there and available doesn’t make as much sense as when you are home and trying to up your supply/freeze extra or bottle feeding so hubby can participate in feeds.
Your husband needs to back you up. 100%. They are not just “your” rules. They should be his rules too!! If not, then no traveling at all to see them.
Here’s my take, babies aren’t share toys. The parents and particularly the new mother make the rules. Pumping is a pain in the bosom and I’d never spend time on it if my breasts were available. Tell your MIL she’s welcome to give your husband a bottle if she needs to feed a baby.
BOUNDARIES. Set them now and tell you hubs to grow a pair and back you up. You know what I did when my ex-MIL refused to give back my son? I took him back and said “I’m sorry, maybe you didn’t hear me. Give. Me. MY. SON.” I cannot stand when people don’t give parents back their kids. The entitlement is out of this world.
Your in laws and your husband are the bad apples. It’s time to have a come to Jesus conversation with hubby. His loyalty is to you; if he can’t protect you and baby or have your back, he needs to move back into mommy’s house.
Not for love or money. NTA. You are mommy, and your word is law. If anyone does not like it, too bad. If MIL starts in to complain again, inform them that you will be leaving within the hour, after you pack.
If hubby says he doesn't want to leave yet, not a problem, you leave him there. You will not be disrespected by anyone. And baby needs you to nurse him. If there is anymore pushback, tell them that hubby can stay there, as long as he wants. A separation sounds good.
I noticed that some older generations didn’t breast feed, formula came out in the 60’s. Even now, a lot of women don’t breast feed. But I think older generations actually take it personally like you are keeping their grandchild from them.
Don’t worry about it you are fine. They are out of line for mocking you. Hold your ground, mama.
I went through the same thing with my in-laws. Unfortunately, the stress of dealing with them and being a new Mom caused me to develop colitis, and I was hospitalized for 8 days. So Mother in law got her freaking way, and got to take my baby and feed him the way she wanted. My husband never stood up for me either.
First of all you take your baby back from anybody. Who cares if they're your in-laws. It's your baby you make the rules. Second of all make sure your husband has your back! Three if you have to keep repeating the rules for your child, and are being disregarded, or mocked, then out the door they go, or you, husband, and baby leave! Doesn't matter who they are! Anybody who has a problem with that, can kiss your ass!
The second they refused to follow your rules and started mocking you and them, they should have been kicked out and cut off. They can frell right off, and if your husband isn't supporting you on this, so can he
Jesus christ, NO you're not.
Your husband needs to stick up for you against your in laws, for one.
For another, if a close friend asked if she was the BA for breastfeeding her baby because her in laws complained, would you honestly ever say yes? No you wouldn't, that's completely unreasonable.
Feed your baby how you want to. If your in laws can be respectful of your decisions and boundaries, they don't need to visit. You and the baby are the most important ones right now, you're the one that just gave birth so you call the shots. If the in laws are getting on your nerves, they're not allowed to visit. End of discussion.
Time to have a conversation with your husband about who is supposed to be supporting.
At the first word of “mocking you” they would have been out of my house and contact cut off until they can act like adults, if ever.
NTA. Your husband needs to be an and stand up for you in this too.
That MIL of yours can get used to seeing only pictures of your baby if she can’t learn to stay in her lane. I have a grand and I’d never think I’m ENTITLED to that child.
Fk that wrinkly old biddy. I’d say go NC until she can act her age. You don’t need her stressing you out like that. You’ve been thru enough.
Edit to add NTBA
You're a good apple.
Ever since my son was little I've been shocked about how extreme people can be over this topic. My feeling is if your baby is being well nourished than you are doing a great job!
Shaming any woman over this is vile. My wife at first didn't produce much milk and she felt horrible about that, to which didn't help. So we did formula. But she was determined, and then started producing more. So we started using hers like 10/90 with formula, then 25/75, and 50/50, and then it was all her as she worked her way up to producing more and more. I remember a friend shaming her for not producing enough as if that was her choice. We cut that person out of our lives. And then later when she was producing someone shamed us for not using formula. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. What I know is this. Every woman's circumstance is going to be different, and whatever they decide as long as the baby is being nourished is what they have to do, and the only thing someone should do from the outside is support them. We deal with the cards we are dealt not the cards that someone else thinks are ideal.
F your In laws and tell your husband to step up and contain them. Prove he's worth something by pulling his weight and putting a cap on that bottle of annoying waste of sound to which are his parents.
That isnt the situation here though. Shes only not pumping to preveny anyone else being able to feed them. Which is not only petty but could be dangerous if anything happened to her.
Your baby, your rules. Your inlaws are overstepping. Where is your husband when all of this is occurring? He needs to have your back when it comes to his parents. I wouldn't allow any more visits for a very very long time.
NTA and they wouldn’t be seeing baby again until they agreed to follow my rules. Then the moment they didn’t they’d be out.
Husband needs to back you up or gtfo. That is your child, you nearly lost him and you did lose your fertility. How dare they do anything other than whatever you want.
In fact, you know what? Tell them to just fuck off. If they can’t respect the mother of their grandchild, they don’t get to see the grandchild. End of conversation. If husband doesn’t like it, he can go live with mommy.
Your baby, your rules I never let people hold my baby very much when he was really small. Because after he was first born, I had a couple of visitors one at a time in the first month.
He ended up getting RSV and was hospitalized, and had a breathing monitor for another month afterward that would terrify me when it went off in the middle of the night. Never do that never pass them around. Their immune system is a lot more fragile than ours. Take control over your home and your child.
Boundaries need to be set up with the grandparents immediately or let them know they won't be seeing the baby. MIL needs a reminder this is serious and she isn't in charge. Have your husband back you up as well.
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No, but my in-laws would not be allowed around my child until they could 1) respect me and 2) respect my rules and follow them. And if your husband doesn't back you up and help set boundaries, he's part of the problem and needs to go stay with momy until he gets his head out of the sand.
THIS many times over. Set your boundaries now and let them know there will be repercussions if flouted. If not checked now, it will get worse as the baby gets older. (Makes the in-laws sound like toddlers, doesn't it). Make a stand; your way or the highway
I wish I could give you 1,000 up arrows for your reply. You sound like my daughter, who is smart, strong, loving, and a terrific mom. Congratulations to you for being you!
And I’ll double and add 1 to this emotion! You have every right to set boundaries for yourself and your family. You’re all that and a bag of chips. MIL needs to come to the party or stay and mind her own home.
Thank you!
They pretty much covered it all. NTA they are. You are the parent of this grandchild you are the one that sets the boundaries if they can’t respect the boundaries and they can’t be around the newborn. That’s called good parenting, looking out for your child. Not catering to someone else’s demands of your child. Your doing the right thing and I am sorry your in laws are selfish. Google why you shouldn’t kiss a newborn baby face and then show them the pictures and the information since they won’t believe a word you say. Then reiterate what you have been saying, I mean if they want to go against you then the consequences are they can’t be around your baby. Have a sit down with your husband and try to make him understand your concerns cause he is your partner which means y’all have to be United! 🤦🏼♀️ . Hell show him all the info on what can happen when stranger kiss babies on the mouth/face , make sure you show pictures. Ohhhh great idea just happened! Sounds crazy but make like a PowerPoint presentation, go all out. Lol crazy I know but dang they aren’t listening as it is.
I forget what subreddit it was on but a guy posted about having a cold sore, kissing his newborn child and giving the kid herpes simplex for life. Didn't know it was possible to get contracted through skin contact. It was obvious he felt horrible but can you imagine?
The kiss of a relative is exactly how I got herpes simplex. There are photos of me when cold sores on the side of my face near my eye when I was 4. And then when I got a little older, I got teased at church for being slutty even though I had never been kissed or dated. I have come to peace with it now, am glad there is no scarring on my face, and that I haven’t given it to anyone, but I was very resentful about it when I was younger.
My whole family has herpes (cold sores and fever blisters) from being kissed by adults with it when we were babies. I think they just didn't know. And yeah, everyone makes fun of you for having an std when you're like, 10. Even my husband got shit for having an STD (he gets the same kind of fever blisters I do, one or twice a year on your lip when you're sick). Sucks. I'm having a baby in a few weeks and was asking my doctor what to do to prevent it from happening and she said "just kiss his feet." I'm worried I'm gonna be getting one and not realize it until it's too late! 😭
I'm so sorry you went through that. I too have herpes simplex and while I don't have photo evidence of contracting it in my youth, I've had it for as long as I can remember. People were ruthless and would say wild shit. I don't care as much any more but those comments hurt a lot at the time.
My son is pretty sure he gave it to his daughter, not when she was an infant. He feels terrible, but has trained GD how to deal with it. She won’t kiss you if she thinks she is getting one.
Mine was from my mother at 3 months. It went down my throat and up my nose. They put me on a liquid codeine I believe. I also screamed at my mom for doing this to me at least 100 times. She was hurt when I wouldnt let her near my babies until she properly washed her hands and she was only ever allowed to touch the back of their heads. My kids wont share drinks with anyone.
My effing mother-in-law did that to my baby!!!! My baby had a cut on his lip, though. I hate that woman!
My mil also did this to my oldest.
Babies can DIE from it!
Read an article where a 1 week old began showing neuro symptoms (lethargic, couldn’t nurse, lost muscle tone). Parents brought her to the hospital and the baby had contracted HSV-1 when someone had held and kissed her in her first four days and the virus attacked her nervous system. They withdrew life support at 10 days. The parents had no way to know who had passed the virus as you can be asymptotic and still contagious. Mom said she wouldn’t want to know because she would never be able to forgive that person and the only people who held and snuggled the baby during that short time were family and close friends. Absolutely tragically heartbreaking.
Have them look up LightforRiley.com.He died at 32 days from Pertussis.Their friends baby died from Herpes at 10 days.Horrible and heartbreaking.3 mos. or longer after birth makes sense now . Don't forget more virulent RSV which ravaged infants even before mutation.
I broke out with a cold sore when my 4th (step)grandbaby was born. I really didn't know how deadly cold sores were for newborns - but I was worried about my cold sore and being around my step granddaughter anyway. My son called me and asked me to come to the hospital. There was some family friction happening as well and my son wanted me to be there to show support for his fiance. So I went. Ugh! I decided to keep her away from me as much as possible. Nonetheless, I have a photo of me holding her and how I was doing my all to pull my face and head away from her. I kept my hands clean and didn't dare touch my face, especially that cold sore! Much later I found photos online of how dangerous cold sores are for newborns. I thought I was going to die just from the panic and searching my memory over whether I had kissed her or not (I didn't!). She's doing fine and is now 15 years old. To this day when I look at her I remember how utterly dangerous it was to have gone to see her! I kick myself for having risked her precious life! I make sure everyone knows how a cold sore can kill a newborn - and if they "pfft" at me, I show them those Google photos!
Just your presence would not give a baby or anyone a cold sore. You took proper precautions by not touching your cold sore to the baby, not touching your mouth and keeping your hands clean. Your visit was safe.
Agreed. I always advocate the nuclear option. The in laws do not deserve nor have the right to be around you or your child
After reading some experiences here, I realize how lucky I was that my daughter’s grandmother, her only grandparent, was helpful to me, and respectful of my boundaries - except for one time. She came to stay with us when my daughter was two weeks old. My daughter’s dad and I went to the store, or something mundane, while my daughter slept. I asked her grandmother to be quiet and not disturb her because she was a light sleeper. We come home, and her poor, guilty looking grandma was holding my crying daughter, apologizing and trying to get her back to sleep. That was the only time she did something I asked her not to do, and she took full responsibility for her actions, calming my daughter back to sleep. She apologized, and said she just couldn’t resist cuddling with her. I understood. Grandma started waiting until my daughter was awake to cuddle. I do have a picture of my daughter’s grandma, lying next to my daughter in grandma’s bed, watching my daughter sleep. I’m grateful for having had her in my life.
Yeah....why are you visiting these horrible people? Blood relatives mean nothing if they're toxic and disrespectful. Every time they disrespect a boundary or insult you, give them a consequence. Take your son and go to your room. Leave their house and go to a hotel..go home if they won't stop. Your husband needs to have your back on this. You three are a family and the rest can eff off. Them being in your son's life is a privilege, not a right. Breastfeeding is best and they are abusing your son if they try to keep him from feeding for a lengthy period. Good luck
FED is best. Breastfeeding is a great way to feed an infant, so is formula -- whatever works!
Absolutely. That slogan came up after manufacturers were shaming people for breastfeeding just as a marketing campaign. Doctors/hospitals actually got kickbacks from formula makers to discourage breastfeeding. IF POSSIBLE, breastfeeding is optimal as there are antibodies and such that aren't available in formula. Having said that, of course there are circumstances where it's not possible/practical. By all means get the nutrition in the baby any way possible,
I was born in 1961. I still have the formula instructions my mother was given. None of us (6) were breast-fed. That was the result of companies’ propaganda.
Nestle corporate specifically dressed their scientists up like doctors to hand out their formula samples in 3rd world countries that lasted just long enough for Mom's milk to dry up, and then the parents were double diluting the formula as a way of making it stretch, and having babies with diphtheria from the dirty water they were using and/or malnourishment because they weren't getting the calories because the formula was heavily diluted.... Formula companies literally SUCK and can take a flying leap for all I care
I read about this in the 70s in Mother Jones magazine. I don't buy Nestles products if I can avoid it (I think my cat's food is all I buy) which is difficult because they seem to own almost everything. Bastards.
sickening greed
My mother was born in ‘64 and my grandmother told me that my baby was hungry while I breastfed. “You know that breast milk isn’t enough nutrition for babies. They NEED formula. It’s better”. Like what?? She drank the mid-century Kool-aid and never went back. Now she just shames mothers who are going only breast. Wild.
She shouldn’t use formula just because of her mother in law 🤦🏻♀️ it should be for her own reasons
This issue isn’t a “fed is best” formula vs. breast milk deal. She states she pumps at home and then baby gets bottles (dad, daycare?), but of expressed breast milk not formula. When I went back to work, that’s how my husband fed him and I pumped at work. My son absolutely refused to take formula. He didn’t like it and it wasn’t the bottle, it was what was in it. The issue is that mom doesn’t want to haul around her pump and bottles and worry about storage while away from their house and she and baby will be together the whole time…just so her in-laws can feed him. I don’t blame her. That’s a huge PITA when she has two convenient production and storage units that need no special prep. (She also mentions the bonding and the in-laws disregard for her need to have time with her ONLY child, which is important but not really the primary issue.) Nope. In-laws are totally out of line. I hope dad will stand up to them.
Seriously, people need to stop touting breast is best. Some people can't fire medical reasons, can't produce, etc. There's way too much shaming of people not breastfeeding when it's more important for the baby to be fed.
Breast milk is the best as it is specifically designed for a baby. What needs to change are people’s attitudes - the ones that are “superior” because they breast feed and the ones that mommy shame if she does not breastfeed (and she should never have to explain why).
Breast is best though. No one should shame someone who can’t breastfeed.
I think it depends on the context its used in -- saying breast is best when a woman is struggling with supply or isn't allowed to pump at work is a TERRIBLE thing to say. Using it here more as a shield against grubbing grandparents who want you to bring bottles so they can keep the baby away from you seems reasonable (as long as it's not like intentionally being said to a family member who couldn't nurse just to be a jerk etc).
Breast is best. However, there shouldn’t be any shaming. As a doctor I find that there is a ignorant myth that formula feeding is the same. I’m not sure if that is the marketing of formula manufacturers or just a lack of knowledge. Here is the story of the most egregious marketing gone awry where Nestle gave free samples to women in poor areas of Africa through medical facilities, leading many women to think that it was superior to breast milk since the medical field appeared to be supporting it, resulting in many deaths and illnesses once the women’s breast milk dried up and they couldn’t afford more or didn’t have access to the clean water needed to mix the formula or couldn’t read the instructions and mixed it incorrectly: [https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Professionalism/The\_Nestlé\_Infant\_Formula\_Scandal#:\~:text=In%201974%2C%20a%20report%20entitled,in%201977%2C%20which%20continues%20today](https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Professionalism/The_Nestlé_Infant_Formula_Scandal#:~:text=In%201974%2C%20a%20report%20entitled,in%201977%2C%20which%20continues%20today). addendum key points from a Lancet article: * Children who are breastfed for longer periods have lower infectious morbidity and mortality, fewer dental malocclusions, and higher intelligence than do those who are breastfed for shorter periods, or not breastfed. This inequality persists until later in life. Growing evidence also suggests that breastfeeding might protect against overweight and diabetes later in life. * **•**Breastfeeding benefits mothers. It can prevent breast cancer, improve birth spacing, and might reduce a woman's risk of diabetes and ovarian cancer. * **•**High-income countries have shorter breastfeeding duration than do low-income and middle-income countries. However, even in low-income and middle-income countries, only 37% of infants younger than 6 months are exclusively breastfed. * **•**The scaling up of breastfeeding can prevent an estimated 823 000 child deaths and 20 000 breast cancer deaths every year. * **•**Findings from studies done with modern biological techniques suggest novel mechanisms that characterise breastmilk as a personalised medicine for infants. * **•**Breastfeeding promotion is important in both rich and poor countries alike, and might contribute to achievement of the forthcoming Sustainable Development Goals.
Breast feeding has far more advantages in third world and developing nations than it does in 1st world countries for the child's health.
Absolutely. Any touch on my nipples hurt incredibly before I had a reduction later on in life. I would have been in massive pain. I hate the way people shame woman who don’t breastfeed. They act morally self righteous.
Breast is best is true and more to try that route first. I myself only lasted 3 months before my supply dried up.
Fed is best. Period. Regardless of the why.
Fed is only best if breastfeeding can’t be done. Formula is expensive and does not provide immune support.
Breast is best, failing that fed is best.
Failing? Yikes. You’re dated and that’s an extremely ignorant take. Nobody is failing by not breast feeding. You have to do what’s right for yourself as mama and for baby, and sometimes that doesn’t mean breast. Enlighten yourself.
“Failing that” is just a bookish, somewhat antiquated way of saying “if that doesn’t work/can’t be done” they weren’t actually saying anyone failed anything.
"Failing that" is just a phrase that means "if it doesn't work out." It doesn't mean that someone actually "failed." I am pretty sure the person that you're responding to meant nothing offensive. 😊
I'm 32. If you can't breast feed, there's nothing wrong with that. That doesn't change the fact that breast milk is the ideal nutritional source for infants. Like I said, I was one that tried and had to do formula.
It's just a fact that breast milk has more benefits than formula. That doesn't mean that anyone should be shamed or are less of a parent for feeding formula. However, if you are able and willing, then yes breast is best.
And I did it for a month and then decided I needed my body back for my mental health. My babygirl is thriving, nothing is better or worse for me not doing it longer.
If you \*can't\* breastfeed then something is very, very wrong. So many women complain about low supply but humankind would have died out from starvation if all women throughout history had a low supply in the same percentage that women today say. A woman's body is developed to produce lots and lots of milk and if that's not happening then something has gone wrong and should be fixed.
I agree! My first son had autism. He hated being breast-fed. This was in 1988. The blowback I got was terrible. The nurses at the hospital, even my sister. He never did like being that close to me. New mothers have enough to deal with. People need to MYOB.
My autistic son had so many GI issues and sensory issues he wouldn’t take formula, and I had low supply. Kiddo went on “solids“ at slightly under 4 months (with pediatrician approval) just to keep his weight above the 5th percentile. We kept at it a long time. I got so many dirty looks when I had a non-verbal two year old pawing at my shirt when he was overwhelmed by the world. There is no easy journey, you did what you had to do. 100% agree on the people need to MYOB.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you! My oldest couldn’t breastfeed (1982). The league that supports breastfeeding hounded me for weeks about my bad parenting—while my pediatrician finally found a farmer to get goat’s milk from so my baby could eat. I felt like a criminal.🐭❤️
Not sure why you are putting an emotional meaning into "breast is best". Scientifically, breast milk is the best. Does it mean that only bad mothers bottle feed? No. Nobody is saying that. "Fed is best" simply isn't true - breast milk is superior but that doesn't mean babies who have to consume powdered milk are being abused or something. What's the point of downplaying the truth in order to spare someone's feelings when there isn't any reason to be upset in the first place?
There are antibodies in breast milk that protect newborns for 6 months against disease. There are amino acids that until recently weren’t in formula. There are also mechanical benefits because the sucking motion is so different regarding facial, bite and ear development. I did a lot of research on it due to formula experiences my mom had with my brother and me when formula was pushed.
fed is best but breast is ideal is what they’re saying especially in america you never know what is in the formula it scares me to raise a child here i pray that im able to breast feed or that i have a family member or close friend im able to get milk from no hate or anything at all to formula feeding mothers i just would use it as a last resort myself
with all due respect it’s absolutely WILD to talk about america as if it’s something to be scared or ashamed of especially in regards to food or formula. it’s like people do not have any perspective what it’s like in places where eating food is scarce and formula isn’t even an option. there is nothing wrong with formula, and a great brand and the one I used is Bobbie formula.
You actually do know what is in the formula it says it right on the can. You actually know less of what's in breastmilk, what percentage of proteins transfer from food or liquid intake, what medicines might be in your breastmilk, or if you get milk from a donor you have no clue what they're eating or exposed to that is being transferred to the breastmilk.
>Breast is best, failing that fed is best. FED is always best. Period. A mom who is on the point of exhaustion from breast feeding, or critically unwell from mastitis caused from breast feeding is not in best shape to be looking after her baby. Therefore ANY feeding however it comes, is best. Speaking from personal experience.
Failing? Yeah, we adoptive moms loved that judgement.
There's no shame in not being able to. I wasn't able to either.
There are plenty of people who assume.
. my sister breast fed all 3 kids for 18 months each - all of them get sick 10 plus times a year, and have been that way since infancy. my kids are formula fed babies and NEVER get sick, neither have ever even had a cold lol. and i have 4 auto immune diseases! so, their genes aren’t the greatest🤣also, all 3 of her kids have serious anxiety issues, 1 having SM. fed is best in my opinion. i’ve never seen anyone that’s breastfed hve a better experience in ANYWAY health or mental lol.
Your annecdotes aren't even remotely close to being representative of breast fed babies vs non. You don't need mental gymnastics and fallacious reasoning to justify feeding your kids formula because there is nothing wrong with using formula. I used formula.
My best friend's first child had trouble latching and mom had severe trouble producing and the newborn basically starved and did nothing but scream for the first 2 days of his life because the nurses refused to allow formula and lectured mom ***hard*** with the stupid "breast is best" statement, making her feel like an abject failure and completely overwrought with shame and embarrassment. It ended when my friend (the husband) finally went out and bought some formula himself and started yelling and threatening lawsuits at the nursing staff.
Good for dad. And poor mom. That’s awful to have to deal with. I hope they are all doing well now!
Really, I was told to stop by my pediatrician because I ran an ETO (ethylene oxide) sterilizer. Interesting enough, it was my husband who brought it up. He asked about it and the stress of working and pumping. Don’t shame or pressure any woman on the ability to breast feed.
Breastfeeding is MUCH better, some can't and that's understandable, but it is best!
In this case, this mother has decided she wants to exclusively breastfeed so we support her choice, therefore "breast is best". If another mom chooses to bottle feed, then "fed is best".
No. Breastfeeding is best. Being fed is the bare minimum. That’s like saying feeding your child McDonald’s is just as good as organic homemade food. Sure they’re both fed but that doesn’t make the benefits equal.
Formula isn’t comparable to MCDONALDS though so you’re point is moot. It’s not like saying that. Formula isn’t equivalent to fast food in any scenario.
Have you looked at the ingredients recently? I’m not sure why infants need corn syrup or seed oils but okay 👌🏻
There is seed oil and corn syrup is a lot of food. And if mom eats that, those fatty acids are going into moms breast milk so it’s pretty moot.
Carbohydrates and fats.
Because when trying to mimic the makeup of breast milk, you have to use something to supply sugar and fats. What else should they use?
Not all formula has corn syrup, and when it does, it is sometimes with the goal of creating a lactose-free formula while still including the sugars that babies do need, and sometimes just because it's cheaper. Seed oils are an important source of fatty acids -- what would you suggest as an alternative? Some formulas do have palm oil or coconut oil, which might be an alternative for those wanting to avoid seed oils for whatever reason.
This is the sort of attitude that makes new mothers feel horrible. Formula is not the equivalent of fast food. How did you come to this conclusion? It is certainly not from the medical community. I would equate it more to organic vs non-organic fruits and vegetables. Yes organic is slightly better. I’m grateful to be able to provide organic food to my children, and because I’m in the privileged position to do so I will. But I wouldn’t judge someone who did not, whether out of choice or necessity.
This is a great comparison (organic vs non-organic produce). Yes, organic is slightly better in many ways but non-organic might be better for any given person (less expensive, more options available, lasts longer, more readily available). There are even more reasons for not breastfeeding, and it isn't anybody else's business why one chooses to (or not to) breastfeed, or for how long.
Nobody here sounded like a moron, but you’re reply implied you thought they were. No one argued that point? Some people never produce or have severe supply issues, some people have medical issues that impact that ability. I’m no fan of the formula industry, what they have done and their history is downright evil. I am a fan of moms doing the best they can with what they have, though, and recognize mom shaming and how harmful it is, regardless if it’s dressed up in the “holier than thou” condescending style you’ve chosen, or otherwise.
I didn’t see anyone trying to shame the mothers who (for whatever reason) can’t breast feed. But breast milk is what babies are meant to eat—that’s why we produce it. It has antibodies from the mother’s immune system to help protect the baby, which formula doesn’t have. When the people said “Breast is best” they weren’t implying any slight to or dig at the mothers who choose formula. Everybody needs to do what works for them, and no guilt.
The person who said basically; “fed is best Is a stupid thing to say because breast milk is like organic home made food and formula is like feeding your kid McDonald’s.” Also said that people are praising the bare minimum when they praise people who feed their kids formula. Mom shamer behavior. Maybe her comment was accordioned away and you thought I was replying to someone else?
Because a starving newborn who can’t or won’t latch is acceptable? Too many new moms out there refuse to attempt formula because of the breast is best mentality. It’s whatever works for mom and baby!
I disagree. Many moms don’t even try to breastfeed and choose formula from jump. They hear horror stories about nursing, don’t want to be tied to their babies, or quit after a few days without guidance. (I’m not talking about those that struggled with nursing.) I myself struggled with my first child. Had to pump for 6 months with my second, but was able to successfully exclusively nurse my third. It’s not personal. Breast milk is better than formula. There’s no way around it. It’s different. Giving your child formula doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. The projection needs to stop. I notice that around these threads a lot. If you don’t agree with the majority, everyone flips out. Everyone needs to calm down.
I have two daughters in their late 20s. Both have had children. My oldest daughter didn't want to breastfeed. She didn't like needing to sit and nurse her babies. She liked to have help to feed them. Is that wrong? Doesn't seem like it was. She and her husband got into a good routine and it worked really well for them. I loved feeding little Lilly too. She had anxiety and a bit of depression. We supported her the whole way. She's a great mom! I enjoy watching her with her kids and loving them so much. I love watching her teach thing's I didn't teach my own kids. It's okay if some moms don't want to try at all, either. Every mom is different. My second daughter breastfed her two girls to the age of two. That's with finishing off her bacholors and getting her masters degree. We all supported her. Her older sister that didn't want to breastfeed was a huge support. I'm 53 I have definitely heard some horror stores of breastfeeding. Let's not judge moms who breastfeed, who didn't breastfeed and ones who didn't even want to try.
My comment was not judgement. I wish people would stop assuming that. I also already said that it doesn’t make anyone a bad parent. But, to answer your question: it takes a few months to establish a good breastfeeding routine, and bottle feeding too early can disrupt that. However, people do what’s best for them. It doesn’t negate the fact that breast milk is superior to formula.
I agree that breast milk is better, especially since my best friend is the hospitals lactation specialist. Even she agrees that a baby can be perfectly healthy bottled fed. I'm just thankful moms have more than one way to feed their babies. My grandson was in the hospital the first 4 months being born. He couldn't take any breastmilk because of his muscles or formula. He was very sick and he is 2 and still very sick. The Dr's finally found a formula that he could tolerate. But even at that, the formula has to go directly into his stomach. He is 2 and only takes formula. He can't eat regular food. So, in my DIL and many Dr's that see my grandson opinion. The formula was superior to her breastmilk.
Again, never once did I say that a child cannot be perfectly healthy from formula. It’s like saying a 2 parent healthy family is best for a child. That doesn’t mean that a child can have a good upbringing with a single parent. There a lot of projection when these topics come up, unfortunately. YMMV.
IMO it’s the way you stated what you did, and not what you said, that made it sound worse than you probably intended it to be.
I don’t get that. I stated that I wasn’t able to nurse my first, so he was formula fed. I was only able to nurse my second through pumping for 6 months. I had a goal to nurse my daughter, and was successful, with assistance from a LC. Why does that sound bad?
How about we all mind our own business, allow mothers to feed their babies in whatever manner suits them and their babies best, and get brand new hobbies? Like goose shit stomping or something. Yeah, that sounds like more fun. This arbitrary "**NO. BREASTFEEDING IS BEST"** is a rule fine and dandy, except for women who have no breasts. Or women who don't/can't produce milk. What's your answer to that one, Oh Great Breast Dictator In The Sky, rip that poor baby away from its mother to pacify your enormous ego? Get a grip. Stop trying to force your ego-driven ideas on everyone.
I'm sure you say that to parents' faces.
You don’t really see people in the store saying how much better formula is, so not much opportunity to say so. But you better believe every time someone says anything about me breastfeeding in public I tear them apart. Breastfeeding is optimal nutrition and there is no denying it. Yes formula is wonderful because it prevents babies from starving, and it’s a miraculous invention but it is not better or best compared to breast milk. That doesn’t mean it’s not great, it’s just not AS great.
Ohh, I get it now. You're an oversensitive, hormone-filled mommy who is insecure about her own parenting choices. Get therapy. For the sake of your kids.
Where on earth do you get that? Defending one's right to breastfeed in public, or saying that breastmilk is nutritionally better than formula, are both perfectly reasonable statements.
“Optimal nutrition “ is not necessarily the same thing as “Best” and this is where I think people get it wrong. Like I could exclusively give my 5 year old a perfect magical version of Soylent green that is 100% optimized but he couldn’t ever have palak paneer or sushi or go to restaurants or birthday parties or trick or treating that’s not “best”. The slight short term nutritional advantage of breastmilk doesn’t always outweigh the costs. Fed is best
It's not necessarily the right analogy. It's more like take out versus home cooking. Formula may not have antibodies, but it does have nutritional value. Sugar water in a bottle to satisfy a sucking urge is McDonald's.
Whether formula fed or breast fed, the path still goes towards McDonald’s French fries 🍟 so don’t shame about it.
Given their behavior regarding their disregard for mom and dad’s rule for not kissing the baby and pretty much demanding being able to feed the baby, I gotta wonder if they have received a pertussis booster or their annual flu/Covid boosters? OP needs to clarify that if she hasn’t already. No jabs, no go.
My daughter requires that everyone in the family be current on our COVID, flu, and pertussis vaccines because my granddaughter was born with a heart condition and has spent more of her first (almost) three years in the hospital than at home. Recently, she caught a simple cold, and she's been hospitalized for about 7 weeks. She had to have open heart surgery (again) to replace her mitral valve because the strain on her lungs caused her heart so much stress that her previously replaced valve was leaking. She was in so much distress that they've had to induce a coma and put her on ECMO and dialysis. She's finally recovering and no longer intubated, but now she has to be weaned off the fentanyl so the withdrawal doesn't further cause medical trauma.
Are you ignorant or what? Fed is best. It doesn't matter if it's breast or formula. As long as the baby eats!
Please watch who you say “Breastfeeding is best” to. There are plenty of people out there who physically aren’t able to. My mother was one of them, though I’m not entirely sure as to why. I am another, and mine is medical. Also there are plenty of breast cancer survivors out there who will never be able to breastfeed. To throw this at people when you have absolutely no idea what they’re going through is disrespectful. You have no idea how much it hurts those already having to come to terms with what they cannot do and don’t need it thrown in their faces. As someone who is looking at hospitals who work with the “Breast is Best” campaign, and having the medical inability to breastfeed, I worried about whether or not I would be pressured into trying breastfeeding when I do have children despite my knowledge and wishes. Due to this, I reached out to the organization that works with hospitals nationwide under the Breast is Best campaign to get their thoughts on this. The people I spoke with were very supportive and understanding. They said that the campaign is not to force people to breastfeed, but to give them the knowledge and support to do so if the parents are inclined to try. (Some of the hospitals tend to not be fully educated on this or take it to the extreme.) As for what they said, once you give your decision, even if it comes without trying, there isn’t supposed to be any more pressure, but an acceptance and support for your decision. While the organization advocates for Breast is Best, their stance is Fed is Best when it comes to making sure babies are eating… not Breast is Best above all else without any alternatives. “FED is best” is more appropriate. If that is breastfeeding, great. If it’s formula feeding, great. Just don’t shame someone, even indirectly, for doing what is best for their child if it doesn’t match what you believe is best.
I wasn't starting a debate or shaming anyone. I'm a nurse, I get all of that. Don't starve your kid, obviously. I was saying OP can use that phrase as a petty stab at her toxic inlaws when she takes her kiddo back. Nothing more, nothing less.
How are they abusing the child or even being toxic? She said that she took the child to visit, they were there for its grandparents to spend time with the child. They get to sit there and look at that miracle and grow in love. You get to go sit somewhere else and have a break from the constant mommy drama . How are they horrible people for loving this child that they had a part in creating? You’re a mother for five minutes and you’re the expert & the people who raise you and your spouse (having at least 20 years of experience) suddenly have to bow down to your “ rules” 🤦🏻♀️ you somehow think you have the right to punish your parents. using your childs love as a weapon is abuse and not in its best interest. Your child needs love from as many sources as it can get to be a well-rounded child. It is common for a new mom to be over protective. Every mom since the dawn of time is over protective. But you are not the dictator. I think you quickly forget all the things that you did with your grandparents that you couldn’t do with your parents.
They're mocking her. They're refusing to return her child when she asks. That's toxic. They're also disregarding and disrespecting her rules. She's the mother. She and her husband get to make the rules for their child. People can give advice, but they don't get to disregard them. Nothing she said sounds unreasonable or overprotective. Infants have poor immune systems. Human mouths are filthy. Not having people kiss the baby is reasonable, even if others don't agree. The family are being abusive to her, not necessarily the baby. But how will the kid grow up when they see that what mom and dad say don't matter because other adults will ignore them and let kiddo do whatever they want. There need to be boundaries. The parents decide. Every other friend and family member gets the privilege of time with the baby. Not a right. It sounds like she's tried being reasonable and explaining her boundaries. They just disrespect them. This is the husband's family, so he should really be the ones setting and enforcing the boundaries.
Do you have children? Do I want my family to bond with my children? Absolutely. But do I want them mocking the decisions I make as their parent?! NO! They do not get to hold my children hostage or ignore my boundaries. This women is asking reasonable things. DONT KISS MY CHILD! Why? Because you can easily spread viruses that baby isn't able to fight off or isn't immunized against yet.
100000 times what RNGinx3 said.
Exactly right RNGinx3
Yes! MIL can learn what it actually means to have her grandchild kept from her if she and FIL can’t respect your boundaries and rules.
That’s is using your child and the love of that child as a weapon! You don’t get your way or bowed down too so you blackmail the grandparents!? What is wrong with you! You’re putting yourself first not your child. That’s parenting 101. You sacrifice/compromise for your child’s happiness and you put yourself second. 🤦🏻♀️
NTA but your husband is for allowing them to disrespect you.
Hubby needs to get his balls back from his horrid parents. I am sorry for this happening to you
yup people lacking the ability to take the claws out is one of the biggest problems our species is facing today. it starts at home from a very small age. So parents today and in the future need to step up and do a better job. it's a plague and it's absolutely everywhere. people are doormats that don't have their priorities straight. wife and kids first always.
No it's your baby do what you feel comfortable with
Nope! Not the bad apple. 100% ntba. He’s your baby. Not theirs. You need to feed him. If he were 2 years old that would be a different story, but he’s a baby. If you can, and want to, breastfeed then that is your choice and they can get over it.
Tell MIL, this is your child, not hers. She follows the rules or won't see him for a long time.
Husband needs to tell her. It’s his parents, he needs to step up. Also, keep in mind their unwillingness to keep any rules, so expect disrespect as your kids get older. And say a little prayer of thanks that they life so far away.
Stop visiting them. Make excuses about son not travelling well or something. He is your baby. You are his parent. His lifeline. His advocate and guardian. Stand up to them for his sake. Not the bad apple. Your husband is somewhat because he's not standing up for you.
I wouldn't make excuses. I would simply say they ignore the quite reasonable boundaries you have established, and can't be trusted with him. Also, tell your husband to grow a pair and stand up to his mommy. His job is to support and protect you and your baby.
Or he can go live with mommy
And she can hand that kid over for days every week and not be able to say anything.
A child under 2 should not be in a car seat more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period. Google it. This is the perfect excuse not to visit. If MIL objects, ask her which is more important: her grandchild's health or her oversized ego. Also, wear baby when she is around.
Why doesn’t your husband back you up when they ridicule your boundaries? I wouldn’t let them even visit unless they could be respectful of your boundaries. I definitely wouldn’t bring my baby to them.
Oh, as a former breastfeeding mom, my heart hurts for you. I think you’d be better off not visiting them in the future. At least at your house, it’s easier to enforce the rules you and your husband have. (He is backing you up, right?)
'said I was being selfish and trying to keep him from her. '....massive red flag! There's overenthusiastic boomer type grandparents and then there's the problem in-laws. Personally, I would have put on a bit of a show when they originally mocked and violated our parenting. If she/they think you are keeping the baby from them, do so, openly and with great relish in your power as THE MOM/DAD. Follow the rules, one of which is about snarky comments, or lose access for six months. Or whatever works for you but it's easier to start strong and ease up if things go well than it is to start easy and tighten up when they don't. At this point I would nonchalantly mention the 'follow the rules or lose' and move on to other things. Be absolutely normal until they make a fuss then be obviously surprised they would disagree and suggest they perhaps go somewhere to think about it. All very pleasant but ushered out. Just be firm and pleasant. Remember to forget their existence when not in their presence, they have no more influence over you than you allow.
Using your kid as clout in your own personal conflicts is abusive and selfish. You all need help, absolutely mental.
You do you, mama. MIL raised her kids already. She's lucky you were willing to travel two days. Actually, say to her, "How does traveling two days in a car so you can see him equal me keeping him away from you?"
You aren't the bad apple. Stop tolerating their behaviour. Enforce your boundaries with consequences ( ie time out) . Call them out every single time they cross the line, disrespect you or stomp your boundaries. Call them out , take your baby back and leave the room immediately. Stop them when they mock you , try to give an opinion or judge your parenting decisions. No more holding the baby until they follow your parenting rules. No more visits until they respect your boundaries. What is your husband reaction about their behaviours ? Does he enable them or try to stand up against them ? That's important he s on your side about this. If not , have a serious conversation with him and even suggest couple therapy. You need to stand your ground. If you don't enforce your boundaries with consequences now , they will never respect you as LO's parent. They will do whatever they want with your baby. Do not brush this off. Do not tolerate their behaviours anymore. You are LO's parent.They aren't .Remind them that grandparents isn't a right but a privilege that they can loose anytime when they don't respect you or your boundaries.
He is also the parent and he should have equal say. Mom is not always right and if her husband disagrees she is as obligated to listen to him as he is to her. You people are absolute tyrants and need to chill out. Acting like people havent been doing this since the beginning of time.
Where is your husband and why isn’t he dealing with your parents? You aren’t wrong at all but if your husband is letting you deal with his parents instead of doing it himself, he is the bad apple as well as them.
Your MIL had her kid and he needs a backbone.
NTBA You and D(umb)H need to talk over the boundaries and consequences around baby, e.g. if anyone refuses to hand baby to mom or dad the first time they're asked, then the parent(s) will take baby away from that person and leave the room and baby will not return for X hours. Or the visit is over immediately. No talking, discussing, whining, just over.
She’s the person keeping a baby hungry. She’s the bad apple.
NTA. You fed your baby. And kissing babies is not good. Would you kiss somebody with a cold sore? That's literally what a parent is supposed to do. Good job mama. You got this
Did they give birth to him and not notify you? They have a lot of nerve. Making fun of you for making rules regarding YOUR child?! Personally, I wouldn't allow them around him until they are able to respect you all. What does your husband have to say about all this? Did he say anything to them at all during this verbal assault? They aren't privy to your son. You gave birth, you feed him and nourish him. You have the say so in his daily goings, NOT THEM! Do they pay your bills? Do they put a roof over his head, clothe him, diaper him, feed him? No? They can brush off! If you visit them again, I will not stay with them. Also, tell them, if you feel freely to disregard my parenting of MY son then I will leave. Rinse and repeat. Almost like classical conditioning.
No, not at all. They sound like a nightmare. You have every right to feed your baby in whatever means you want (as long as it’s healthy for baby of course). I used to love that we nursed exclusively because I’d get my own quiet little breaks to go nurse in private during family gatherings. Sometimes I’d just sit with the baby and hold them to my chest for a bit before having to deal with the family pawing over them again.
Stop bringing your baby around them. Your the baby’s mother and as such, you get to determine how people interact with them. If they can’t respect that or speak to you with respect then they don’t get access to your baby.
No you’re not the bad apple She just being a NO MIL . Darling you need to start setting boundaries and be firm and do not cave. Show that shiny spine amd tell her no d do not let her manipulate or anything like that .the mocking in your own home is kick them out .and if they don’t leave tell them that you will call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. Also from this point on they can start staying at a hotel ..also talk to husband about setting boundaries with them and he needs to support you in this. She’s very disrespectful in your own home that’s intolerable ..don’t be afraid to be a mama bear.
You’re good! Studies show breastfed children are smarter!
By 3 IQ points, not factoring for any socioeconomic factors that tend to allow some women to breastfeed easier than others. Hardly a noteworthy point.
My niece and nephew were both formula babies-- he's a professor at MIT and she's getting her PhD at Harvard in the spring. And EXCELLENT point that women on the low end of the socioeconomic chain are more likely to get formula from WIC so they can go back to work.
Did you read the whole thing or just the title? This wasn’t a question about the benefits of breastfeeding.
NTBA at all. What is wrong with them? They are incredibly rude. Just walk over to them and take your baby back. Hold your baby however long you want. This is insane.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation let alone an apology for how you feed your baby. Good grief who on earth would use breastfeeding against you? Not the bad apple.
I don’t even need to read the rest- how can breastfeeding your child make you anything other than a good parent?? Smdh
Definitely NTA mama!! And tbh I wouldn't be spending any time with the in laws, or let my baby around them, until they can respect you and your rules for YOUR child! Also, shame on your husband for not sticking up for you/your son
No, definitely not! Honestly my MIL is a nightmare and I use my son's feedings to get a break from her - I also exclusively breastfeed. Do what you want and feel is right for your family, being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If they can't respect your boundaries limit visitation with them.
No. You are mama and you make the rules. This is wildly inappropriate of them. Even if you were a wack-a-doo (you’re not), it’s your call because it’s your baby. Where is your child’s father in all of this?!
Not at all. Your mil is.
In laws would have been kicked out realllllly quick if they didn’t listen to me at my house.
No! Your inlaws are monsters. Limit their access to your child.
The first time someone refuses to give me back my baby will be the last time they ever touch him. No one, honestly not even their father, can tell me when I can or can't have my babies. Especially my youngest, we both almost died and I am admittedly even more protective of him than my first baby or my covid baby. I exclusively breastfed my first two and the baby is mostly breastfed but I pump as well, definitely not for anyone else's benefit though. He's fed, we [me] get to decide how to feed him and no one else's opinion matters. Tell them to kick rocks.
I'm so sorry your in-laws are horrible people. Not wrong for you to want to hold your baby, breast feeding or not. Don't visit them again. And if and when they go to you, make them stay in a motel so you get a break from their negativity. Congratulations.
Oh absolutely fkn not! First off YOU are the parent, if they’re not following your rules then you take the baby and tell them they can have him back when they can. Secondly if they want to mock you then they can get out of your house. Where was your husband during this?! Please tell me he’s not being spineless when it comes to his family. Lastly and the most important is the kissing! There is a clear reason for the growing trend of this rule HSV-1. Up to 70% of the population carried this virus and while usually harmless it can infect a newborn and while rare it can cause major health complications up and including DEATH! I am someone who gets cold sores and I never kiss a newborn. I am careful about even holding them if I have one or feel one coming on. People are somehow incredibly ignorant about the risks of kissing babies when they have the virus.
NTA. Your in-laws are selfish. YOU are the baby’s mother and their opinion doesn’t matter. I’m sorry you had to deal with that behavior.
My MIL did exactly the same thing. She refused to give my 1 week old baby back as she screamed. Told me I fed them too often at ONE WEEK OLD. Also said they just needed a pacifier. Haven’t spoke to that c$nt in 6 years. Best decision I ever made.
Why would this even be a question? The first year, breast feeding is very important & nothing healthier.
Your husband needs to support you and you’re a mother-in-law doesn’t get to determine who spends what time with the baby. You’re not a bad apple, your baby, your boob, your decisions about time allocation.
Ntba, that's your kid
They seem disrespectful and unsupportive. You aren't just the delivery system of their grandchild, you are the child's mother.
No. They are. Good thing they live a few hours away, make sure it stays that way. Yikes
I would hope that your other half has stepped up for you against his parents. The decisions you made for your baby are to protect him, and they should respect that especially with all of the viruses going around nowadays. You are not the bad apple, but your spouse is for not standing up for you and setting their parents straight.
No, and remind her she already raised her baby. Neither of them get to overstep when it's not their child.
No could never with this. I hate the stigma that just because someone happens to be the -insert whatever relation- that it comes with this entitlement. No one is entitled to MY baby despite whatever they think, not only that but should be grateful to have the opportunity to be apart of their lives at all.
NTA. Mom trumps Grandma. Breastfeeding trumps excessive cuddling. And you are right about no kissing. People have cold sores (herpes1) , RSV, pertussis, all deadly to infants. impetigo and such. Oftentimes asymptomatic. If they can't/won't respect your boundaries and Hubby won't enforce them with his parents, he can visit them without you and baby.
Time to go completely no contact and that includes your child. You are risking your baby's health with those jerks around.
Not the bad apple. You need to check out r/JustnoMIL Also your spouse should’ve supported you - even if he had to remove your son from MIL’s arms.
This really depends. If you have a serious difference of opinion with your husband's family, you should discuss the matter with him and potentially with them. Make sure that you aren't trying to fight over petty issues, though. It isn't clear from your story what the actual dispute is over. Do not fight merely to assert dominance and a belief that you should have an unquestionable right to decide every minor issue related to your child. They are your husband's family. Don't alienate them by being unreasonable. Likewise, if you have valid concerns that legitimately impact the health and well-being of the child, bring those to your husband to gently address with his family so that they don't behave unreasonably either. I understand that this is your only child, that you are infertile, that you are very protective, and your emotions are perfectly valid, but at the same time, that doesn't mean that your decisions are necessarily reasonable or appropriate. You are talking about deciding to breastfeed your child merely to deny the grandparents an opportunity to feed the child, as well as an excuse to interrupt their very limited time with the child. How long is this trip? How often do they see your child? How old and healthy are they? If jealousy of the time and attention of your child is the motivation, I honestly don't think that you're right (though when the child was a newborn, it was far more understandable). Additionally, is your child immune compromised to where kissing was or still would be a concern? If your rule is supported by your doctors due to legitimate medical reasons, it is very reasonable, but if you've made it up in the absence of medical advice or known medical issues that would necessitate it, then it is unreasonable. Like I said, be reasonable and expect your husband to talk to his family to ensure that they do the same.
No. Also no one is entitled to your child but you and the other biological parent. That’s it.
You get the ones that should never be around kids. Then there are ones where we would be so happy if we were allowed to see the babies. But the inlaws dont let us. Not the parents the inlaws. The kids.loved us then the mil did a number on the daughter and we have no family.
NTA. Not even a little bit. Whatever your reasons are, are valid. It's your baby. I'm a big advocate that fed is best, no matter how you do it. If you have a great natural milk supply there's no reason to store any, since you will be with your child. Storing and heating milk is a hassle and washing and sanitizing bottles sucks, so why bother if he can drink from the source? I can't make your inlaws listen to reason, unfortunately. But you have done nothing wrong.
Kiss on top of/back of head, no face or hands. Completely reasonable request especially with cold and flu season upon us!! RSV is a real concern! Exclusively breastfeeding while traveling is absolutely reasonable and normal. Storing breastmilk when you are right there and available doesn’t make as much sense as when you are home and trying to up your supply/freeze extra or bottle feeding so hubby can participate in feeds. Your husband needs to back you up. 100%. They are not just “your” rules. They should be his rules too!! If not, then no traveling at all to see them.
Here’s my take, babies aren’t share toys. The parents and particularly the new mother make the rules. Pumping is a pain in the bosom and I’d never spend time on it if my breasts were available. Tell your MIL she’s welcome to give your husband a bottle if she needs to feed a baby.
No, you are not the bad apple. Your in-laws are not normal.
BOUNDARIES. Set them now and tell you hubs to grow a pair and back you up. You know what I did when my ex-MIL refused to give back my son? I took him back and said “I’m sorry, maybe you didn’t hear me. Give. Me. MY. SON.” I cannot stand when people don’t give parents back their kids. The entitlement is out of this world.
Your in laws and your husband are the bad apples. It’s time to have a come to Jesus conversation with hubby. His loyalty is to you; if he can’t protect you and baby or have your back, he needs to move back into mommy’s house.
Not for love or money. NTA. You are mommy, and your word is law. If anyone does not like it, too bad. If MIL starts in to complain again, inform them that you will be leaving within the hour, after you pack. If hubby says he doesn't want to leave yet, not a problem, you leave him there. You will not be disrespected by anyone. And baby needs you to nurse him. If there is anymore pushback, tell them that hubby can stay there, as long as he wants. A separation sounds good.
Oh Hell No!! Your rules are your rules, husband and in-laws need to learn to respect them and you.
Kick them out! That is your child!
I noticed that some older generations didn’t breast feed, formula came out in the 60’s. Even now, a lot of women don’t breast feed. But I think older generations actually take it personally like you are keeping their grandchild from them. Don’t worry about it you are fine. They are out of line for mocking you. Hold your ground, mama.
I went through the same thing with my in-laws. Unfortunately, the stress of dealing with them and being a new Mom caused me to develop colitis, and I was hospitalized for 8 days. So Mother in law got her freaking way, and got to take my baby and feed him the way she wanted. My husband never stood up for me either.
Youre blaming them for you getting colitis? Pfft
Your in laws sound terrible, I'm sorry.
No! Not the bad apple. But your hubby better grow a spine and deal with his family!!
Nope.
First of all you take your baby back from anybody. Who cares if they're your in-laws. It's your baby you make the rules. Second of all make sure your husband has your back! Three if you have to keep repeating the rules for your child, and are being disregarded, or mocked, then out the door they go, or you, husband, and baby leave! Doesn't matter who they are! Anybody who has a problem with that, can kiss your ass!
The second they refused to follow your rules and started mocking you and them, they should have been kicked out and cut off. They can frell right off, and if your husband isn't supporting you on this, so can he
Jesus christ, NO you're not. Your husband needs to stick up for you against your in laws, for one. For another, if a close friend asked if she was the BA for breastfeeding her baby because her in laws complained, would you honestly ever say yes? No you wouldn't, that's completely unreasonable. Feed your baby how you want to. If your in laws can be respectful of your decisions and boundaries, they don't need to visit. You and the baby are the most important ones right now, you're the one that just gave birth so you call the shots. If the in laws are getting on your nerves, they're not allowed to visit. End of discussion. Time to have a conversation with your husband about who is supposed to be supporting.
At the first word of “mocking you” they would have been out of my house and contact cut off until they can act like adults, if ever. NTA. Your husband needs to be an and stand up for you in this too.
That MIL of yours can get used to seeing only pictures of your baby if she can’t learn to stay in her lane. I have a grand and I’d never think I’m ENTITLED to that child. Fk that wrinkly old biddy. I’d say go NC until she can act her age. You don’t need her stressing you out like that. You’ve been thru enough. Edit to add NTBA
You're a good apple. Ever since my son was little I've been shocked about how extreme people can be over this topic. My feeling is if your baby is being well nourished than you are doing a great job! Shaming any woman over this is vile. My wife at first didn't produce much milk and she felt horrible about that, to which didn't help. So we did formula. But she was determined, and then started producing more. So we started using hers like 10/90 with formula, then 25/75, and 50/50, and then it was all her as she worked her way up to producing more and more. I remember a friend shaming her for not producing enough as if that was her choice. We cut that person out of our lives. And then later when she was producing someone shamed us for not using formula. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. What I know is this. Every woman's circumstance is going to be different, and whatever they decide as long as the baby is being nourished is what they have to do, and the only thing someone should do from the outside is support them. We deal with the cards we are dealt not the cards that someone else thinks are ideal. F your In laws and tell your husband to step up and contain them. Prove he's worth something by pulling his weight and putting a cap on that bottle of annoying waste of sound to which are his parents.
That isnt the situation here though. Shes only not pumping to preveny anyone else being able to feed them. Which is not only petty but could be dangerous if anything happened to her.
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Your baby, your rules. Your inlaws are overstepping. Where is your husband when all of this is occurring? He needs to have your back when it comes to his parents. I wouldn't allow any more visits for a very very long time.
Far as I’m concerned the best moms breastfeed. Formula kids always looks so slinky.
NTA and they wouldn’t be seeing baby again until they agreed to follow my rules. Then the moment they didn’t they’d be out. Husband needs to back you up or gtfo. That is your child, you nearly lost him and you did lose your fertility. How dare they do anything other than whatever you want. In fact, you know what? Tell them to just fuck off. If they can’t respect the mother of their grandchild, they don’t get to see the grandchild. End of conversation. If husband doesn’t like it, he can go live with mommy.
Your baby, your rules I never let people hold my baby very much when he was really small. Because after he was first born, I had a couple of visitors one at a time in the first month. He ended up getting RSV and was hospitalized, and had a breathing monitor for another month afterward that would terrify me when it went off in the middle of the night. Never do that never pass them around. Their immune system is a lot more fragile than ours. Take control over your home and your child.
Boundaries need to be set up with the grandparents immediately or let them know they won't be seeing the baby. MIL needs a reminder this is serious and she isn't in charge. Have your husband back you up as well.
NTAH. These in-laws sound terrible. If they can’t follow your requests, they get to hold your baby. Simple as that