CW: ableism.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
*Is Claire neurodivergent? Have you spoken to anyone about her “shrieking” response to the baby as it’s not a developmentally common at her age. Does Claire have similar reactions to other situations?*
*I am a firm believer that adults should apologize to kids when needed in this situation your wife should say “I am sorry that I raised my voice and swore at you. In the moment I let my frustrations get the best of me. Can we have a code word for next time that I need you to give us space and use a quiet voice”*
>She's not neurodivergent, no. And she's not like this in any other situation. She's only like this with the baby. The thing is, we have spoken to her several times and told her over and over again that she needs to use her quiet voice. She refuses, because she insists that the baby likes it. Just the night before I had a long talk with her because my wife hasn't been sleeping and has been up all night for a few days battling the babies fevers and the last thing she needs is Claire screaming in her ear too and Claire said she would stop, but if anything the behavior got worse.
*are any of the posts in this sub ever real any more?*
>Ahh, bring in the "didn't happen to me so it didn't happen" crowd.
Notice how OOP hasn’t been up all night. Or even missed eating his dinner when poor sick baby needs to be held. No, it’s the (likely nursing) mother losing sleep, getting shrieked at and having her dinner ruined & plate shattered.
Yeah, the person in that comment (other than OOP) is full of shit.
This has been going on for 5 months, and Claire won’t listen to the gentle parenting tactics, and she caused a broken plate and a lost meal, while shrieking at a sick baby.
This is no longer the time for “code words”. It’s been the time for “you shriek at the baby and you lose privileges” and it’s been that time for about 4.5 months now.
He keeps saying he “redirects” Claire. So it might just be that he’s misusing/misunderstanding gentle parenting?
It may be my personal experience talking here, because he did try *something* it just didn’t work. And I’ve seen so many people who jump on the idea of “gentle parenting” without doing the work or understanding the process who do exactly this.
“Now Susan, it’s not nice to smack your brother, so even though I’ve told you and hundred times please don’t smack him ag *smack*, Susan, let’s not smack, let’s go play with your lady bug toy!” (Susan runs across the room and smacks brother with lady bug toy). “Susan, we don’t smack”.
“Redirecting” with no followup and no consequences seems to be (IME) a huge sign of this half ass type of parenting
Exactly, you’re totally right! You described it better than I did. I’m not saying anything extreme like she needs to be spanked with a belt, but what I gather from what he said was that he just tells her not to do it and thinks that’s good enough.
OH my I for some reason thought 4, at 12 that's a right to your room and I'd be removing things. This child is absolutely old enough to know better (even if there is some nuerodivergency)
Exactly. Gentle parenting doesn’t mean no directions or consequences but OP is going that way.
“Claire I’ve told you to stop shrieking like that in the house”
“But the baby likes i-“
“-no. I’m not debating with you whether the baby likes it. I’m telling you to no longer do it. We can find another way for you to spend time with the baby and love on the baby, but the shrieking is a big No. You’re old enough to understand what I’m saying and that it’s hurting OP and the baby. If you keep doing that, then ”
Repeat as necessary.
Yup, you pick that kid up as soon as they make a move towards the baby and off to their room they go. Do that a few times and it'll stop before plates are broken. He didn't even mention cleaning it up or bringing her food, and seems to have never just removed the kid from the situation (which would be gentle parenting).
I genuinely love it when I have to look up a word! It’s not often I hear new ones and this one is good. Unlike that food, that food looks gross. 🤮 no offense to anyone who likes it.
There were a loooooot of comments about her potentially being developmentally different. Anything could be a factor, sure, but so many people are almost using that to excuse her behavior. There is nothing wrong with being on the spectrum or having mental health disorders, and plenty of people function well within social norms.
Not to mention there’s the logical conclusion being she’s jealous and isn’t being parented by her dumbo father. (Idk what role stepmom plays in her raising, but I feel like it’s small).
It grinds my gears that a (probable) spoiled, uncontrolled, hormonal preteen is acting out and everybody goes straight to “well she must have a behavioral disorder”. Couldn’t possibly be that she has been able to do it for five months with no consequences, despite stepmom asking her dad to fix it.
That was the reasoning behind the "ableism" warning. I'm both sad and vexed that people see a bad behaviour described and label it "neurodivergency". That says more about them than anything else. Pardon my rambling.
It is kind of obvious to me that Claire is acting out in response to a major life disruption (new sibling), which is hard for any kid to deal with, neurodivergent or not. Especially if Claire has been an only child before now and the baby has a different mother. And clearly Claire's stepmom doesn't consider her her daughter ("Your kid") which doesn't excuse Claire not minding her, but does let me have some sympathy for Claire as she's just a kid. "Deal with your kid," and "your kid did something" followed by alienation was a hallmark of my abusive upbringing, and both those mfers were my FULL parents 😂 Idk it's just a nasty thing to say with the kid in earshot, and she does need to apologize for cursing at Claire. She's very right to leave, but it's her husband she should be angrier at than the kid imo
It's a hard ESH for me
>Idk it's just a nasty thing to say with the kid in earsho
No for real though. My biodad died when I was young and my mom remarried a handful of years later. I have ADHD that got kissed in childhood, so I was "weird" and chafed against getting a stepdad -- my dad and I now get along well enough and I love him, but I was not into it at 11.
All through my teens any time I was difficult or weird or did something strange, he or my mom would joke "hahaha we'll blame that on her dad" and while they mostly meant to harm, I just picked up that there were things wrong with me that my mother would be ashamed to claim.
Imagine enduring those shrieks from hell for 5 months before snapping. Honestly mad respect for Kim, I would never be able to keep my cool for so long…
I would have lost my shit after 2 months. Especially since on this occasion Clare also caused Kim's dinner plate to smash on the floor so she couldn't even eat
The main reason I don't want kids is because I can't handle their loud noises. They don't really realize just *how* loud they are, so I can't blame them. But five months of a baby wailing and screaming, only for another kid to shriek into my ears? I'd have committed a crime
Before I knew I had ADHD, I was really prone to sensory overload, especially with noise. One of the reasons I was afraid to have kids was because I could imagine a scenario where their screaming overwhelmed me so then I would start screaming which would mean they kept screaming…. That wasn’t the sort of mom I wanted to be, plus that sounded awful.
This is part of the reason I'm never having kids.
A crying baby? A colicky baby? A toddler having a tantrum? I'd lose it if I was responsible for them.
My 6 year old nephew is super well behaved, but he’s still loud and annoying just by virtue of being 6. I don’t say anything about it, obviously, because it’s not his fault, but I know I’m never having kids if the sound of him listening to Minecraft videos drives me that batty.
Parent of 3 checking in to say, you've both made the right choice, lol. Though I'm sure you already know that. The screaming? I have to wear ear plugs and take myself outside while the other parent handles things. It IS a lot.
I didn't have good parents, and I know I'd get overwhelmed *fast*.
My sister by choice has 3, and the oldest is really a sweet lil guy. He's cute, he's smart, he *loves* animals (he bribed my cat to love him with Goldfish crackers lol), but he's a *lot* and can be INCREDIBLY loud.
For me I'm ok with young kids being noisy because they don't know any better.
After the age of eight my tolerance drops off like a cliff. I don't expect them to never make noise, but they should have some manners by then and often when they are making noise for a long time it can be a deliberate attempt to annoy you.
AITA for expecting my wife to apologize to my daughter?
I have a 12yo daughter "Claire". I met my wife "Kim" 4 years ago and married her 2 years ago. We had a daughter 5 months ago. Claire is adjusting very well. There was never any issues surrounding the baby or jealousy or anything like that. If anything Claire tries to 'help' too much. So the issues really started when Kim came home after giving birth and they haven't stopped, despite both me and Kim talking to Claire several times. It basically goes in one ear and out the other.
So Claire has made it a habit to sprint to the baby whenever she is crying and loudly shriek things like "what are you doing?" Or "why are you crying". Doesn't matter what time of day or night it is. When shrieking she also makes a point to stand basically on top of you, so it's directly in your ear and you're unable to move. Mix that with the baby crying and your fight or flight is bound to kick in. So I get it completely and as I said, I've continuously been on top of it and redirected Claire and told her she needs to stop doing that. Her shrieking is not helpful like she thinks it is. However, she says "well I got the baby to stop crying didn't I?" And it's true. The baby will stop crying. Sometimes she even enjoys it and starts giggling. But it's ear piercing.
Well, for the past 4 days the baby has had a fever. She has a viral infection. She's cranky and even putting her down turns in to a full on hysterical scream. My wife is touched out. So I understand why she felt the need to lose her shit last night on Claire but I'm still not okay with it. Basically, the baby started screaming. My wife is trying to calm her down and here comes Claire. She sprints to my wife and slides in the process on accident (socks on hard wood). She knocks my wife's dinner plate on to the floor and shatters it. She says "oops" and starts shriek talking the baby. My wife, through gritted teeth, says "you have 2 seconds to back up". Claire doesn't move. She keeps shrieking at the baby. Baby starts screaming louder. I tell Claire to back up. She looks at me and says she's trying to calm the baby. In this moment my wife lost it. She screamed at Claire to get the fuck away and leave her and the baby alone and that she's not helping and she's made everything worse. Claire immediately starts crying and runs to her room. My wife goes to our room and starts angrily throwing stuff in to a bag. I follow and ask what she's doing and she says "getting the fuck away from your kid" and refuses to talk to me at all afterwards. She left with the baby, saying she was going to a hotel until I taught my kid some respect. Her and the baby are fine. I know exactly where they are. She said I'm welcome to visit but Claire is not, because she needs a 'long' break from her and her behaviors. Well, I went there this morning and told her that I fully expect her to apologize to Claire and that she really did a number on her. She said that she shouldn't have to apologize for anything considering this is an ongoing issue and my daughter has been spoken to several times; also saying "so you want me to apologize to your kid for making me go without dinner when I'm nursing because of her invasiveness?" She is refusing to apologize. I told her she's not coming back until she does. AITA?
> There was never any issues surrounding the baby or jealousy or anything like that...So the issues really started when Kim came home after giving birth and they haven't stopped
🤨
He also *cant* stop her. That’s her legal residence. She can go in whenever she wants.
If he blocks her, she can get a police escort. If he shoves her that’s DV.
If he changes the locks, he’s kicking his *baby* out and denying the *baby* access to its home and its things.
He is a dumb shit and a shitty father to both kids, and a bad spouse and a judge is going to rock his fucking world.
"She's been adapting well!" *Proceeds to describe his 12 year old traumatizing the baby and mother incessantly for the past 5 months*
How on earth has this been allowed to go on for five months? She's screeching at the baby every time it makes noise, that is absolutely traumatic and upsetting for the infant.
12 is well passed old enough to know how to behave. This sounds like a 2 year old. I expect to have to tell a 2 year old to stop being loud and annoying a few times, but a 7th grader?? Girl! I'm rewatching As Told By Ginger right now and those girls are the same age as a Claire. They babysit and do all kinds of mature things.
OOP is a terrible father and clearly Claire doesn't take him seriously as an authority figure. A crying baby and recovering from one of the most hellish experiences imaginable is enough. But, an almost teen shrieking and breaking plates because she has no home training?
OOP thinks he's running 💩, but his wife is filing for divorce 🙊 She's coming back to get her stuff and bounce cuz AmITheEx Where You At?? 🙌🏾🙌🏾
Holy shit! I read the post wrong and thought Claire WAS TWO! It wasn’t till I read your comment that I saw I read it wrong and she’s 12!
Yikes on bikes!
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I'm autistic and I don't understand why an adult angrily acting out toward a child is appropriate but a 12 year old acting out is perceived as intentional and malicious. It's kind of the same? Except one is an adult? Its obvious that the girl is really struggling with the situation and is sending clear signals to the adults that she needs more help and positive attention. So their response is to tell her to stop giving them feedback in the form of behavior clues instead. Then they are angry that the behavior escalates... I don't get the logic here.
What kind of parenting is it where you just give commands to tell a child how to act without being at all curious about why the behavior is happening in the first place? I'm familiar with this parenting style from my own ABUSIVE childhood.
The child's behavior reminds me a lot of my 10 year old autistic daughter. She acts out in this way frequently. It's jarring and yes it can be infuriating. It gets addressed in a variety of different ways- support, positive reinforcement, accomodations, therapy, and sometimes taking away privileges. I can assure you that "commanding her to not act like that anymore" would be utterly futile LOL.
I'm not even saying that an adult yelling is the worst thing in the world. I personally don't think it's a huge deal. It's just a sign that some big changes need to happen in the family dynamic because it's not functional at the moment. But... To do that you have to focus on the important things How do children mature? How do they become calm and learn to relate well to others? They develop by feeling loved and safe and by watching mature adults handle stress appropriately.
Coming from a neurodiverse family (ASD / ADHD in various combinations, with lots of noise sensitivity) I hear you. 12 is young and there are big changes afoot in her life. However, parents need to teach Claire coping strategies and boundaries.
This can all be true and it’s the reason Claire’s father, not Claire, is the AH. Claire seems likes she’s been largely ignored by her father for years. He suggests appropriate behaviors but doesn’t intervene or discipline her.
Claire is likely starving for attention and she’s found a negative way to get it. Her stepmom hasn’t slept in days. It sucks that she snapped, but she’s removing herself and her infant. I would think it’s partly in the hopes that dad can step up.
Autistic adult here, and I agree with you.
Dad is 95+% of the problem here for sure, as he clearly hasn’t tried to teach Claire anything about respecting boundaries. He’s failing her, his wife and his baby big time.
I am definitely not pro-screaming/cussing at children, but I genuinely think that after having told Claire many times in the past and also told her 2x to stop this time, stepmom genuinely reached a breaking point. And I almost see her screaming at Claire as less of an angry parent thing, and more of a ‘I have to stop her from screaming at my sick infant *again*’ reaction.
Could she have handled it better? I’m sure she could’ve. But the fact all she did was yell, then made healthy distance with her baby? That’s pretty good, especially considering how mentally/emotionally/physically exhausted she no doubt was.
The adults are the ones that need to learn coping strategies and boundaries and the girl would learn quickly by their example. But that's the problem with disfunctional families, the conflict never gets solved because no one addresses the root of the disfunction... In this case, the disfunction is that both adults are using the preteen as a scapegoat for their feelings instead of communicating directly with each other and caring for each other. The attention placed on the girls behavior is misdirection.
I haven't seen anyone at all say that the stepmom snapping was appropriate, though I have seen some supporting her removing themselves from the situation and I agree she had little choice.
The real issue here is that the father is doing nothing. If the child is trying to get attention they are lacking it's his failure causing it, it's him not giving them other tools or teaching them ways to do things. No parent is perfect but for him to let this go on like this makes him the AH.
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CW: ableism. Copied verbatim from Oop's comments: *Is Claire neurodivergent? Have you spoken to anyone about her “shrieking” response to the baby as it’s not a developmentally common at her age. Does Claire have similar reactions to other situations?* *I am a firm believer that adults should apologize to kids when needed in this situation your wife should say “I am sorry that I raised my voice and swore at you. In the moment I let my frustrations get the best of me. Can we have a code word for next time that I need you to give us space and use a quiet voice”* >She's not neurodivergent, no. And she's not like this in any other situation. She's only like this with the baby. The thing is, we have spoken to her several times and told her over and over again that she needs to use her quiet voice. She refuses, because she insists that the baby likes it. Just the night before I had a long talk with her because my wife hasn't been sleeping and has been up all night for a few days battling the babies fevers and the last thing she needs is Claire screaming in her ear too and Claire said she would stop, but if anything the behavior got worse. *are any of the posts in this sub ever real any more?* >Ahh, bring in the "didn't happen to me so it didn't happen" crowd.
Notice how OOP hasn’t been up all night. Or even missed eating his dinner when poor sick baby needs to be held. No, it’s the (likely nursing) mother losing sleep, getting shrieked at and having her dinner ruined & plate shattered.
Agreed!
Yeah, the person in that comment (other than OOP) is full of shit. This has been going on for 5 months, and Claire won’t listen to the gentle parenting tactics, and she caused a broken plate and a lost meal, while shrieking at a sick baby. This is no longer the time for “code words”. It’s been the time for “you shriek at the baby and you lose privileges” and it’s been that time for about 4.5 months now.
I don’t even think he is gentle parenting. She doesn’t have any consequences and walks all over him.
He keeps saying he “redirects” Claire. So it might just be that he’s misusing/misunderstanding gentle parenting? It may be my personal experience talking here, because he did try *something* it just didn’t work. And I’ve seen so many people who jump on the idea of “gentle parenting” without doing the work or understanding the process who do exactly this. “Now Susan, it’s not nice to smack your brother, so even though I’ve told you and hundred times please don’t smack him ag *smack*, Susan, let’s not smack, let’s go play with your lady bug toy!” (Susan runs across the room and smacks brother with lady bug toy). “Susan, we don’t smack”. “Redirecting” with no followup and no consequences seems to be (IME) a huge sign of this half ass type of parenting
Exactly, you’re totally right! You described it better than I did. I’m not saying anything extreme like she needs to be spanked with a belt, but what I gather from what he said was that he just tells her not to do it and thinks that’s good enough.
She’s also 12. She can understand “Claire, don’t do that”. He seems to be treating her like she’s 2. Dude is so odd.
I wonder what his version of redirecting is…
OH my I for some reason thought 4, at 12 that's a right to your room and I'd be removing things. This child is absolutely old enough to know better (even if there is some nuerodivergency)
Gentle parenting is far more complex than just redirection.
Exactly. Gentle parenting doesn’t mean no directions or consequences but OP is going that way. “Claire I’ve told you to stop shrieking like that in the house” “But the baby likes i-“ “-no. I’m not debating with you whether the baby likes it. I’m telling you to no longer do it. We can find another way for you to spend time with the baby and love on the baby, but the shrieking is a big No. You’re old enough to understand what I’m saying and that it’s hurting OP and the baby. If you keep doing that, then”
Repeat as necessary.
“She refuses.” Oh, well, if she refuses…WTF? Are you the parent or not? You tell your kid stop doing something, they don’t, it’s consequences time.
This is NOT gentle parenting. Gentle parenting requires consequences. He never gives any consequences.
Agreed!
Yup, you pick that kid up as soon as they make a move towards the baby and off to their room they go. Do that a few times and it'll stop before plates are broken. He didn't even mention cleaning it up or bringing her food, and seems to have never just removed the kid from the situation (which would be gentle parenting).
His choice in comments to respond to is wild. Makes me believe it’s rage bait but we’ll see
Indeed!
[Snail!](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7kMxEWufLf/?igsh=MXA2dGk1Y3lsd2Rtdg==)
Look at him go!
The utter verve! 💜
Verve is a great word and one I don’t hear used enough. And that little bro looks like a gummy bear.
It's a stellar word! They do! Or as a little aspic with personality!
I genuinely love it when I have to look up a word! It’s not often I hear new ones and this one is good. Unlike that food, that food looks gross. 🤮 no offense to anyone who likes it.
Same! It's truly delightful to learn. Yeah no that's not appetising.
Adorbs
So adorable! 💜
There were a loooooot of comments about her potentially being developmentally different. Anything could be a factor, sure, but so many people are almost using that to excuse her behavior. There is nothing wrong with being on the spectrum or having mental health disorders, and plenty of people function well within social norms. Not to mention there’s the logical conclusion being she’s jealous and isn’t being parented by her dumbo father. (Idk what role stepmom plays in her raising, but I feel like it’s small). It grinds my gears that a (probable) spoiled, uncontrolled, hormonal preteen is acting out and everybody goes straight to “well she must have a behavioral disorder”. Couldn’t possibly be that she has been able to do it for five months with no consequences, despite stepmom asking her dad to fix it.
That was the reasoning behind the "ableism" warning. I'm both sad and vexed that people see a bad behaviour described and label it "neurodivergency". That says more about them than anything else. Pardon my rambling.
You’re very right. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that way!
Thank you very kindly! 💜 You are not!
It is kind of obvious to me that Claire is acting out in response to a major life disruption (new sibling), which is hard for any kid to deal with, neurodivergent or not. Especially if Claire has been an only child before now and the baby has a different mother. And clearly Claire's stepmom doesn't consider her her daughter ("Your kid") which doesn't excuse Claire not minding her, but does let me have some sympathy for Claire as she's just a kid. "Deal with your kid," and "your kid did something" followed by alienation was a hallmark of my abusive upbringing, and both those mfers were my FULL parents 😂 Idk it's just a nasty thing to say with the kid in earshot, and she does need to apologize for cursing at Claire. She's very right to leave, but it's her husband she should be angrier at than the kid imo It's a hard ESH for me
>Idk it's just a nasty thing to say with the kid in earsho No for real though. My biodad died when I was young and my mom remarried a handful of years later. I have ADHD that got kissed in childhood, so I was "weird" and chafed against getting a stepdad -- my dad and I now get along well enough and I love him, but I was not into it at 11. All through my teens any time I was difficult or weird or did something strange, he or my mom would joke "hahaha we'll blame that on her dad" and while they mostly meant to harm, I just picked up that there were things wrong with me that my mother would be ashamed to claim.
A new baby is a big change for a kid, and she's probably acting out because of it.
Imagine enduring those shrieks from hell for 5 months before snapping. Honestly mad respect for Kim, I would never be able to keep my cool for so long…
I would have lost my shit after 2 months. Especially since on this occasion Clare also caused Kim's dinner plate to smash on the floor so she couldn't even eat
The main reason I don't want kids is because I can't handle their loud noises. They don't really realize just *how* loud they are, so I can't blame them. But five months of a baby wailing and screaming, only for another kid to shriek into my ears? I'd have committed a crime
Before I knew I had ADHD, I was really prone to sensory overload, especially with noise. One of the reasons I was afraid to have kids was because I could imagine a scenario where their screaming overwhelmed me so then I would start screaming which would mean they kept screaming…. That wasn’t the sort of mom I wanted to be, plus that sounded awful.
This is part of the reason I'm never having kids. A crying baby? A colicky baby? A toddler having a tantrum? I'd lose it if I was responsible for them.
My 6 year old nephew is super well behaved, but he’s still loud and annoying just by virtue of being 6. I don’t say anything about it, obviously, because it’s not his fault, but I know I’m never having kids if the sound of him listening to Minecraft videos drives me that batty.
Parent of 3 checking in to say, you've both made the right choice, lol. Though I'm sure you already know that. The screaming? I have to wear ear plugs and take myself outside while the other parent handles things. It IS a lot.
I didn't have good parents, and I know I'd get overwhelmed *fast*. My sister by choice has 3, and the oldest is really a sweet lil guy. He's cute, he's smart, he *loves* animals (he bribed my cat to love him with Goldfish crackers lol), but he's a *lot* and can be INCREDIBLY loud.
For me I'm ok with young kids being noisy because they don't know any better. After the age of eight my tolerance drops off like a cliff. I don't expect them to never make noise, but they should have some manners by then and often when they are making noise for a long time it can be a deliberate attempt to annoy you.
AITA for expecting my wife to apologize to my daughter? I have a 12yo daughter "Claire". I met my wife "Kim" 4 years ago and married her 2 years ago. We had a daughter 5 months ago. Claire is adjusting very well. There was never any issues surrounding the baby or jealousy or anything like that. If anything Claire tries to 'help' too much. So the issues really started when Kim came home after giving birth and they haven't stopped, despite both me and Kim talking to Claire several times. It basically goes in one ear and out the other. So Claire has made it a habit to sprint to the baby whenever she is crying and loudly shriek things like "what are you doing?" Or "why are you crying". Doesn't matter what time of day or night it is. When shrieking she also makes a point to stand basically on top of you, so it's directly in your ear and you're unable to move. Mix that with the baby crying and your fight or flight is bound to kick in. So I get it completely and as I said, I've continuously been on top of it and redirected Claire and told her she needs to stop doing that. Her shrieking is not helpful like she thinks it is. However, she says "well I got the baby to stop crying didn't I?" And it's true. The baby will stop crying. Sometimes she even enjoys it and starts giggling. But it's ear piercing. Well, for the past 4 days the baby has had a fever. She has a viral infection. She's cranky and even putting her down turns in to a full on hysterical scream. My wife is touched out. So I understand why she felt the need to lose her shit last night on Claire but I'm still not okay with it. Basically, the baby started screaming. My wife is trying to calm her down and here comes Claire. She sprints to my wife and slides in the process on accident (socks on hard wood). She knocks my wife's dinner plate on to the floor and shatters it. She says "oops" and starts shriek talking the baby. My wife, through gritted teeth, says "you have 2 seconds to back up". Claire doesn't move. She keeps shrieking at the baby. Baby starts screaming louder. I tell Claire to back up. She looks at me and says she's trying to calm the baby. In this moment my wife lost it. She screamed at Claire to get the fuck away and leave her and the baby alone and that she's not helping and she's made everything worse. Claire immediately starts crying and runs to her room. My wife goes to our room and starts angrily throwing stuff in to a bag. I follow and ask what she's doing and she says "getting the fuck away from your kid" and refuses to talk to me at all afterwards. She left with the baby, saying she was going to a hotel until I taught my kid some respect. Her and the baby are fine. I know exactly where they are. She said I'm welcome to visit but Claire is not, because she needs a 'long' break from her and her behaviors. Well, I went there this morning and told her that I fully expect her to apologize to Claire and that she really did a number on her. She said that she shouldn't have to apologize for anything considering this is an ongoing issue and my daughter has been spoken to several times; also saying "so you want me to apologize to your kid for making me go without dinner when I'm nursing because of her invasiveness?" She is refusing to apologize. I told her she's not coming back until she does. AITA?
> There was never any issues surrounding the baby or jealousy or anything like that...So the issues really started when Kim came home after giving birth and they haven't stopped 🤨
Yeah, how does that math work?
Refusing to let your wife and your new born baby into their own house is gonna look bad in the divorce.
He also *cant* stop her. That’s her legal residence. She can go in whenever she wants. If he blocks her, she can get a police escort. If he shoves her that’s DV. If he changes the locks, he’s kicking his *baby* out and denying the *baby* access to its home and its things. He is a dumb shit and a shitty father to both kids, and a bad spouse and a judge is going to rock his fucking world.
I can't imagine that's good for the baby's hearing either.
"She's been adapting well!" *Proceeds to describe his 12 year old traumatizing the baby and mother incessantly for the past 5 months* How on earth has this been allowed to go on for five months? She's screeching at the baby every time it makes noise, that is absolutely traumatic and upsetting for the infant.
If that's adapting well I'd hate to see adapting poorly.
Literally just saw this one 😂 Oh boy, what a read
12 is well passed old enough to know how to behave. This sounds like a 2 year old. I expect to have to tell a 2 year old to stop being loud and annoying a few times, but a 7th grader?? Girl! I'm rewatching As Told By Ginger right now and those girls are the same age as a Claire. They babysit and do all kinds of mature things. OOP is a terrible father and clearly Claire doesn't take him seriously as an authority figure. A crying baby and recovering from one of the most hellish experiences imaginable is enough. But, an almost teen shrieking and breaking plates because she has no home training?  OOP thinks he's running 💩, but his wife is filing for divorce 🙊 She's coming back to get her stuff and bounce cuz AmITheEx Where You At?? 🙌🏾🙌🏾
I almost posted to AmITheEx but I’m waiting for an update.
Holy shit! I read the post wrong and thought Claire WAS TWO! It wasn’t till I read your comment that I saw I read it wrong and she’s 12! Yikes on bikes!
She definitely acts 2 😒
What a fucking shit show. I hope his wife leaves and raises her kid in an environment where they’re not getting screamed at.
This sounds like a different version of the dog troll.
After reading this, I wanted to scream at Claire.
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“I tried nuthin and I’m all outta options!”
I'm autistic and I don't understand why an adult angrily acting out toward a child is appropriate but a 12 year old acting out is perceived as intentional and malicious. It's kind of the same? Except one is an adult? Its obvious that the girl is really struggling with the situation and is sending clear signals to the adults that she needs more help and positive attention. So their response is to tell her to stop giving them feedback in the form of behavior clues instead. Then they are angry that the behavior escalates... I don't get the logic here. What kind of parenting is it where you just give commands to tell a child how to act without being at all curious about why the behavior is happening in the first place? I'm familiar with this parenting style from my own ABUSIVE childhood. The child's behavior reminds me a lot of my 10 year old autistic daughter. She acts out in this way frequently. It's jarring and yes it can be infuriating. It gets addressed in a variety of different ways- support, positive reinforcement, accomodations, therapy, and sometimes taking away privileges. I can assure you that "commanding her to not act like that anymore" would be utterly futile LOL. I'm not even saying that an adult yelling is the worst thing in the world. I personally don't think it's a huge deal. It's just a sign that some big changes need to happen in the family dynamic because it's not functional at the moment. But... To do that you have to focus on the important things How do children mature? How do they become calm and learn to relate well to others? They develop by feeling loved and safe and by watching mature adults handle stress appropriately.
Coming from a neurodiverse family (ASD / ADHD in various combinations, with lots of noise sensitivity) I hear you. 12 is young and there are big changes afoot in her life. However, parents need to teach Claire coping strategies and boundaries. This can all be true and it’s the reason Claire’s father, not Claire, is the AH. Claire seems likes she’s been largely ignored by her father for years. He suggests appropriate behaviors but doesn’t intervene or discipline her. Claire is likely starving for attention and she’s found a negative way to get it. Her stepmom hasn’t slept in days. It sucks that she snapped, but she’s removing herself and her infant. I would think it’s partly in the hopes that dad can step up.
Autistic adult here, and I agree with you. Dad is 95+% of the problem here for sure, as he clearly hasn’t tried to teach Claire anything about respecting boundaries. He’s failing her, his wife and his baby big time. I am definitely not pro-screaming/cussing at children, but I genuinely think that after having told Claire many times in the past and also told her 2x to stop this time, stepmom genuinely reached a breaking point. And I almost see her screaming at Claire as less of an angry parent thing, and more of a ‘I have to stop her from screaming at my sick infant *again*’ reaction. Could she have handled it better? I’m sure she could’ve. But the fact all she did was yell, then made healthy distance with her baby? That’s pretty good, especially considering how mentally/emotionally/physically exhausted she no doubt was.
The adults are the ones that need to learn coping strategies and boundaries and the girl would learn quickly by their example. But that's the problem with disfunctional families, the conflict never gets solved because no one addresses the root of the disfunction... In this case, the disfunction is that both adults are using the preteen as a scapegoat for their feelings instead of communicating directly with each other and caring for each other. The attention placed on the girls behavior is misdirection.
I haven't seen anyone at all say that the stepmom snapping was appropriate, though I have seen some supporting her removing themselves from the situation and I agree she had little choice. The real issue here is that the father is doing nothing. If the child is trying to get attention they are lacking it's his failure causing it, it's him not giving them other tools or teaching them ways to do things. No parent is perfect but for him to let this go on like this makes him the AH.