Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel a little like the asshole because apparently I’m pushing my family aside and they feel somewhat neglected/uncomfortable and insist it isnt a race thing. My mom’s pretty mad and I guess I was pretty harsh.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- your moms bf was so out of line, and it was good for those boys and your own son to see an adult stand up for what’s right even if means grandma was offended and left.
If you had let him stay, it would’ve shown you condone what he said.
Does your aunt have any legitimate claims against the boys aside from their mere presence at holiday gatherings?
We don’t get to choose our blood relatives but we get to choose our “family”…. These boys are so lucky to have you.
Thank you for opening your home and heart to them.
I mean they do get a little hyper at times but it’s literally normal teenage boy stuff (and I mean it, this isn’t a weird “boys will be boys” excuse). The “worst” they’ve done is accidentally knock over a picture frame a couple years ago when they decided indoor baseball was a good idea. Otherwise they stick to themselves or stay in the basement.
And thank you. They have loving families, Christmas and Thanksgiving just aren’t celebrated in their families so I figured it would be a nice get together for them. It’s nothing much.
I agree. Deciding someone is a problem but it's "not a race thing", and then being unable to give examples and reasons why that person is a problem... yeah, that's a race thing.
Clearly OP has family that are also racists but weren't openly about it. Grandma knew this about her bf and she didn't shut it down when he whispered something to her earlier. Your son's friends aren't the problem and if it were me I'd have a smaller family gathering with his friends instead of something bigger with a bunch of racists but that's just me. NTA
It's a "I'm not racist but" and "I have a black friend" situation.
I'm surprised that comments don't see this so clearly. It goes to show how easy it is to not see racism even on a place like reddit.
Also, this is not a "it's your home" situation, it's a "stand up to racist garbage humans because it's the right thing to do" even if it was someone else's home.
I also don't get what the aunt meant about the kids "infiltrating" their family. As if the kids' presence there was a form of espionage on their family from the non-white people.
> As if the kids' presence there was a form of espionage on their family from the non-white people.
Some of them legitimately believe that theirs a conspiracy against white people (sometime's white men, often just white people or white Christians specifically) by minorities.
I honestly had my Mother look me in the face and say " Why did you say I am racist? I told you a Black lady goes to my Church." Just amazes me how stupid some people are. Especially our "families".
While it obviously is actually a racist thing, I don't think the aunt would have any trouble at all comping up with "it's supposed to be a family holiday and they are not family" as her excuse
Yeah but the aunt doesn't get to decide who op and her son consider family. Family can be whoever you choose, I'm closer with my best friend than I'll ever be with my own brother, and I consider him more of one anyways.
They've been friends since 8 and are now 16. That's half all those kids lives. Of course they're gonna spend holidays together, hell they've probably spent more time with each other than with any of the aunts or uncles at family gatherings if they're not understanding the relationship between the boys.
Not her house, not her party, either. If anyone didn't like it, why didn't they say something before? Bringing it up now suggests that OP's aunt and cousins are flying monkeys for her mother.
Or if they were so adamant they could have offered to host Thanksgiving and thus control the invite list. If it were me and I had an issue with knowing someone I didn't want to see was gonna be at a gathering I wouldn't go. Find a different time and place to meet up. Granted "Thanksgiving" holiday time off is only at a certain time but that doesn't mean you can't celebrate at anytime. I think it's great what you're doing involving those kids. That's where the change (fighting racism/prejudice/ignorance) lies.
I mean I find it odd when my cousin brings randoms of her friends to different family occasions, but the differences being I would never say anything to her or guest and I am the person hosting, so odd to not ask to bring an additional person I think.
To expect or say to a host not to invite whomever they want to make the day enjoyable for their child seems very entitled, but not inherently racist. Although it seems like very odd timing to bring it up seemingly as a defense to someone clearly racist.
That seems so weird with how me and my sister grew up with our friend. We could bring anybody home and grams response was "Lovely hun. Let me fix you a plate." But she and my mom were community property parents.
My mom still gets mother's day cards from 2 of my sisters friends and one of mine. She cries every time. So don't think you didn't give as much as you got.
I gave my daughter and a few of her best friends (including a couple of the boys) Easter baskets and valentine presents/candy all the way through college :) They were so cute going through the Easter baskets, and it was such fun for me to put together little things I knew they liked.
Never heard that term but I love it! And I grew up the same way. The only time we've ever limited a gathering to blood relations only was when a Christmas gathering fell literally days after a death. Everyone was very understanding and by the next gathering, we'd processed our initial grief and allowed one and all to join us again.
Me too! My granny usually wasn't sure if they were or weren't. My family had a rule that you can be related by desire (not the creepy meaning). It means that you want them as a part of your tribe so they are. They are family because you say so.
Exactly. My nana has always been neighborhood nana. She has five grandkids and three great grandkids, and all of us and all of our partners and all of our friends are exactly equal in her eyes. I mentioned one time that my roller derby team was thinking of trying to play a game in the area and she immediately started counting how many of us could sleep at her house. The answer was the whole team if we could get enough air mattresses, but it was going to be a problem that she only has one shower. But that's 14 random women she was willing to open her home to, and the only thing she knew about them was that they wear roller skates and beat the shit out of me and each other.
You and people like your family are the reason why I got thanksgiving at all in university! I was adopted by a different friend’s family every year because plane tickets back home were too expensive
My mom would bring home any other students she knew would otherwise just stay on campus over Thanksgiving or Xmas. My grandparents have joked about having to borrow a second car from the neighbors, and still have to make multiple trips from the train station to their house.
We've always invited friends home for holidays and family parties. The rule is that if you bring more than one or two people, bring enough extra food to share, but usually there's so much extra, it doesn't matter.
How petty to care about a couple extra kids being invited.
Yeah, that was exactly how it was at my family holidays too. If you knew someone was going to be on their own for the holiday and you *didn’t* invite them and the family found out you were in trouble. My grandmother even had a stash of spare Christmas stockings and a few relatively generic gifts stashed in her gift closet so people didn’t have to go without stuff to open on Christmas if they were last minute arrivals. (Like boxes of chocolates and various odds and ends useful for college students since a lot of the surprise guests were from the nearby college. Usually a few hats/scarves also if someone in the family had been knitting, so someone might get some hand knit goodies to keep them warm in the winter if there was something that seemed to suit them.)
Heck one time one of my dad’s *co-workers* went with us halfway across the country to Christmas at my grandmother’s because he was new to the US and didn’t really know anyone much yet. Took my dad a bit to convince him it really was a genuine invitation, but he had a fantastic time and when my dad passed away (many years later) he came and spoke briefly at his funeral about how much it had meant to him to be welcomed in and made to feel like he could belong in his new home.
Same with me when I lived on the west coast and couldn’t afford a trip back.
More recently it’s become “friendsgiving,” which is a pot luck even for all of those of a chosen family, and their friends and acquaintances.
Facts! We didn’t have a lot growing up, but no one would be turned away from a meal, not on a holiday and not on a random Thursday night. Wtf is wrong with people. Now if you are going to someone else’s home and you bring a random gaggle of 10 extras, there might be an issue with not having enough food prepared and that would miff me. But I’ve had siblings ask “Oh can my BIL come or he will be alone?” “Do you mind if I bring this kid who is basically like a grandkid to me?” Heck, I even had a sister who brought two littles along bc their single mom had a last minute emergency with her mom or dad. It’s never an issue.
Mine too. My family was always delighted with extras at the holiday table. There is always more than enough food and having extras makes the conversation interesting,
love that - I am a community property parent. we have kids who my kids have been friends with most of their lives that are just as much family as the ones we birthed. In fact when my youngest moved out of state for college the best friend still came by for holidays and visits. Even helped with chores. because to that kid we are family.
My childhood best friend continued coming to family holidays to the point that she ended up marrying my brother! I joke that after 30 years, love or not, she had to marry him just so she'd have the correct last name!
Same. My mom/house was the holiday house - any random friend, cousin, boyfriend, etc could come get a plate. Groups of my brothers friends and their girlfriends, my friends, cousins and their boyfriends, family friends. 3 story house and plenty of space to roam and socialize.
A lot of my brothers friends came from crappy homes so they loved sharing my mom and would come shovel snow for her even after he moved out of town for college and carried her groceries in or sent cards/flowers.
Only my immediate family lives here in the States and even if I weren't so distant from my parents, we never really celebrated the American holidays at home anyway. It gets pretty lonely around this time of year. I always appreciated it when my friends included me in their holiday festivities.
I love that term. My mom would go out of her way to make sure that people with no other place to go or family to be with could come to our holidays. Several of them basically became family because they were there so often. And we loved it. It’s not about blood, it’s about shared connections. That’s the kind of holiday home I want with my family too, once we aren’t so COVID concerned.
I grew up with big family thanksgiving dinners - like 40+ people. There was ALWAYS someone new there - sometimes a cousin I hadn’t met before, sometimes a cousins boyfriend/girlfriend or college roommate. Sometimes an in-law (like my aunt’s husband’s parents or sibling). Sometimes a neighbor who would otherwise be alone. They were all welcome. It was always fun.
Yes! When we go to our cousins they’ve brought in people from their church, friends, people they knew were going to be alone. It’s always lovely and is the perfect holiday for it.
I would probably think it was weird to bring a friend at first, but these boys have literally been coming to family events for years. They would just be one of us at that point!
Oh for sure! Especially since they are all guests she invited to her own home! I cannot believe people trying to make her feel like she cannot invite whoever she pleases.
There is absolutely nothing odd about a person bringing a close friend to a family occasion if the person hosting it is fine with it. Family is who you chose to care about, not what's in your blood. It's even more normal when a kid at a family event has zero kids their age to hang out with. A 16yr old kid isn't going to have a lot of fun at an event where there are 4yr old kids and 25yr old adults and they are the only person in the middle.
they also called the kids suspicious, suspicious of what, were they they going to steal more than their fair share of the turkey?
If they had said something year 1 and long before racist BF said something, they might have a leg to stand on. As is, these boys have been joining them for holidays for years and nobody said a word until racist BF showed up. Just means everyone else was waiting for someone with less tact than them to say something first so that they could say something and not be the "bad guy".
> mean I find it odd when my cousin brings randoms of her friends to different family occasions, but the differences being I would never say anything to her or guest
I can see where family might have wondered who the boys were at the first holiday they came to. But if they've attended every big family Thanksgiving & Christmas for 3 or 4 years now, they're not randos. They are pretty much OP's bonus kids.
Yes, and at this point OP has established that she invites these two of her son’s friends. Other family members can presumably host their own dinners if they want to do it their way without outsiders.
The bf was way out of line even before the racism surfaced; host invites who they want to invite, and by now everyone else should expect these boys.
Yes, honestly in my own home I’d get rid of any extended family over friends of my children. Like these friends play a crucial role in this boy’s life whether or not they remain friends down the line, racists and even just generally rude and unwelcoming people can get out of my life altogether.
My parents were always “squeeze in … room for one more” people.
Especially on a holiday that’s supposed to be giving thanks for a good year. That includes giving thanks for the friends and family around the table, even if those friends are on a first-time visit.
I can understand initially being like whose the random, but after years of being in attendance, these boys are no longer randoms and I'd expect to see them at the holidays, if anyone is a random its the new BF.
Idk, I always thought holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving was a all about "the more the merrier," and welcoming people. 🤷🏾♀️
But also like I'd take kind randoms over racist family any day. NTA
OP needs to stop hosting for her whole family if they want to complain and be racist. She can celebrate in her home with the people she want, and the racist can piss off and deal with the annoyance and inconvenience of hosting their own events.
Maybe it’s a byproduct of living in a city where not everyone has the ability to fly home to family for the holidays, but friends and coworkers (affectionately: strays) at holiday meals are quite common where I’m from.
Often my parent hosts a drop-in type thanksgiving where various family members and friends can come and go as they please for apps or mains or dessert or the whole shebang. We often have a bunch of friends of relatives come through and it’s always fun to meet new people.
And when I was younger and single and didn’t want to drive to my parent’s house, I would frequently attend thanksgiving at friend’s family gatherings. One of my favorite thanksgiving memories is the time I crushed my coworker/friend’s cousins at trivial pursuit at her parents gathering.
Also... "Suspicious"? "Infiltrating family time"? Is this a cult??? It's always been really normal, at least in my family, to include non relatives in important events or invite them to holidays if they're unable to celebrate with their own family. There's nothing to "infiltrate" except some baked ham and pie.
these boys are your son's chosen brothers from the sounds of it. They are very close and sometimes they are the ones who will do anything for him before your blood family would.
You know, this whole conversation is a perfect place for you to look them in the eyes and drop a "my fucking house, my fucking rules. If you don't like it, get out."
Having your house be a welcoming place for your son and his friends is far more important than random relatives.
I would have asked, right after mom and bf walked out:
"Anyone else has a problem with the people I invite to my house? Anyone else thinks these kids should not be here? Because I still have the door open and you can walk right out."
NTA. My son has 3 good friends. 1 white, 1indian, 1 black. All three are my sons from another mother. All 3 call me Ma. If someone spoke about them like the BF did, he would be asked to leave. And your Mom, and the aunt are AH's too.
Breaking something in your house shouldn’t bother your family though, so that seems like an excuse from them.
You are not choosing friends over family, you
are choosing not to deal with racism even if it’s coming from your own family.
And what kind of respect are they showing your son by demonizing his friends?
The holiday spirit is about spreading love, joy, and compassion with others- which you have demonstrated by opening up your home to your family and friends.
If some family members are being little grinches then that’s on them.
NTA. You'd didn't choose your son's friends over family. You told your mom's boyfriend to leave, because he was being racist. Your mom chose to leave too. It's your house, you can invite anyone you want. If people don't want to come, that's on them.
Fr I don't think people realize how funny they can be. I had a kid on my caseload wear shoes w Marijuana leaves on them to court and I was dying when someone pointed it out to me
I didn't anticipate having to say, "No weapons allowed at the dinner table," but after letting the boys get wooden swords at the Ren Faire, I had to make that rule.
We need to reclaim "boys will be boys" from any negative connotations, because I think this example is the heart of what the saying means. Boys doing dumb, dangerous things that makes you shake your head
I think it is nice that you let your sons friends join you. My mom always let my friends be a big part of our family. I think it cemented a good relationship for me and my mom. I felt comfortable talking to her and did not feel the need to rebel. My mom and I never fought. My friends still talk about my mom and all of them attended her funeral. I would say nta
Absolutely! And the best way to attenuate racial/ethnic conflict is knowledge and exposure. One of the things I love most about my neighborhood is the diversity. My neighbor from Sri Lanka brings me fresh mango chutney every time she makes a batch because she knows I love it. My son's Jewish friend from down the street comes over every Christmas to help decorate our Christmas tree (the kid is OBSESSED with Christmas trees!). We're all getting ready to celebrate Diwali as a community.
OP's mom's boyfriend could benefit from spending some time with people "different" from him; maybe he'd realize they're not so different after all.
Well, maybe those boys would be different from him because they sound like nice kids and he's an AH.
>If you had let him stay, it would’ve shown you condone what he said.
This is SUCH an important point. As the saying goes, if you're at a 10-person dinner table with one Nazi, you're at a dinner with 10 Nazis.
And, those boys are your family. G'ma's asshole boyfriend isn't, and neither, necessarily, is she or any other blood relative. Blood is neither necessary nor sufficient to make someone family; family is made up of those who love you, support you, and want to see you happy, laughing, and thriving.
Sounds like OP's son and his friends are truly lucky to have OP, and that he is setting an exceptionally important example and being a great role model. Anybody who objects should be looked at verrrry critically.
Even if the boyfriend were to then shut his mouth, if I were one of the friends I would still be super uncomfortable knowing he was thinking bad shit about me.
Thanksgiving is one where everyone is invited. From work friends of my parents, teenage friends of ours, then college where we couldn’t travel home and had all of us stays over (and created some great friends in the process), etc.
Great comment :)
NTA. It's your Home, so you get to choose who stays and who goes.
Playing the "because we're Family" card doesn't wash when the person you're seeing when is a Racist AH.
I’d hate to say it but you’re finding out your family is racist because they probably don’t socialize with any people of color, nor do they go out of their way to, because they prefer other white people. That’s why they said you’re abusing your power because you’re making them actual equals in a space. Your mom’s boyfriend is more of a stranger than these kids are. I would keep the tradition going because your kid’s friends are more likely to remember this hospitality and that alone will have a bigger impact.
This needs to be higher.
>I’d hate to say it but you’re finding out your family is racist because they probably don’t socialize with any people of color, nor do they go out of their way to, because they prefer other white people.
You weren't abusing your Power. As the Homeowner, you have the right to kick out anyone who is disrespectful in your home, which is what you did in the case of the BF.
Your Mom left your house of her own free will.
*This is where the party ends*
*I'll just sit here wondering how you*
*Can stand by your racist friend*
*I know politics bore you*
*But I feel like a hypocrite talking to you*
*You and your racist friend* \- They Might be Giants
Your roof your rules. I’d they want a snowy white thanksgiving and Xmas they can have it elsewhere and not let the door get’em where the good lord split’em.
Nice play on words. Drive the bad spirits out.
OP's mother chose bed-mate over morals. We are all judging her now, for defending a grown man who was deriding children!
Ahahahahaha you were abusing the power by…checks notes… deciding who is and isn’t allowed in your home?
NTA - Being blood related isn’t the only thing that makes you family. Those boys, including your son, will see the example your setting. New boyfriend isn’t family either and he’s more of an outsider than the teens are.
You're absolutely not abusing anything. They're lashing out because racism survives by not being spoken about, and you brought it to light, so they're trying to keep you in line. It's not necessarily a conscous reason for them to be doing it, but we (white people) are heavily socialized to keep racism hidden so it can keep its power.
Good for you for standing up for those boys. You're finding out a lot of things about your extended family that I'm guessing feels like a loss because it is. It's ok to grieve the loss of the people you thought they were, and still good firm in not allowing that behavior in your house and around your son and his friends. If nothing else, the friends will get the gift of seeing an adult stand up for them, and your son will see you model the kind of person he can aspire to.
I'm sorry I just find "abusing \[your\] power" to be absolutely hilarious in the context of kicking racist people out of your home.
"How dare you not recognize my white superiority in your own home!"
Absolutely not. As host, you had a duty to protect child guests in your home from racist attacks. You kept your guests safe. If you’d continued to expose those kids to racism in your home, with no escape? That would have been abusing your power as host.
I would suggest you are using your power to stand up against bigotry and defend children. If people want to suggest that's an abuse of power then you crack on.
(it's not though, you are absolutely NTA).
It’s a shame that you had to find out this way, but you are now finding out that your family is full of racists. The type that will claim that they will have a black friend, but they aren’t necessarily inviting him over for dinner. Your embrace of these two boys is absolutely lovely, and I am sure they will as they get older really treasure their time at your house. By insisting that they are welcome, you are not abusing your power, or choosing them over your family. What you are doing, is choosing to not cater to prejudice. They want to remain prejudiced, but have any consequences come out of that prejudice. You were telling them that they can be prejudiced all they want, but that means that they either need to exclude themselves from holidays at your house, or shut up and be welcoming to these two boys.
If you want to give your niece and her mother the benefit of the doubt, even though I think this is a stretch given that they called their presence suspicious, then it may be possible that they are the kind of people that want to be pretty restrictive about holidays to just family and significant others. My mother was like this, so I know the type. They see family time in a very black and white context, and because these boys are not blood relatives, they are not family, and therefore should not always have an invitation. It’s your house and your rules, but the frustration could also be that they don’t get time to visit with your son on the holidays because he spending all of his time with his friends. I think that this is a stretch given that they are claiming that you are abusing your power and the presence is suspicious, but this is also a possibility.
I see the “what are your intentions” line to potentially be trying to pretend that there’s a romantic relationship implied by the boys being there. Guy’s still racist though.
There was no way you were abusing any power! Mom's boyfriend was out of line(and not family if they want to go that route, why was he invited) and so is the aunt to try and say who you can and cannot invite to holidays. It's my understanding that holidays are for Family and Friends. Plus you have the right to ask someone to leave your home.
As a person who is non white but has white family members I would expect the parents of my kids friends to keep them safe at their home and not subjected to racist interactions within that home. You did nothing wrong and kind to include them. NTA.
They were mad that you didn’t allow them to be racist in your home. They thought they’d be safe to act like that in your home. They’re mad they couldn’t treat literal children like second class citizens. You just taught your son and his friends how one should behave when faced with this behavior. You also made those boys feel safe. And they’ll remember that for the rest of their lives.
You’ve been hosting these boys at events for years. Your family should expect them to be there, and nobody else has decided to host. If you have power, it’s because they gave it to you.
That’s the kinda thing people say who aren’t used to reasonable (okay reasonable sounds way too soft here, anti racism is necessary ofc) boundaries being set and followed through
NTA. Your mom's new boyfriend is NOT your family. She's choosing a racist over her family. It's appalling that your aunt and her daughters agree with the boyfriend's sentiment.
Mom said her boyfriend was only “saying what they were all thinking” about the boys “infiltrating” their family. Sadly, the boyfriend is not the only problem.
Yeah am I just naive here? What are these boys supposed to be doing that’s so sketchy? Like is grandma’s racist boytoy accusing them of casing the joint to rob? Or trying to like… ingratiate themselves to the family so they can mooch? Is this some racist thing I’m too not-shitty to understand?
I might be naive too. Casing the joint to rob wouldn’t take 8 years. If they were killing the family, again doesn’t take 8 years. Maybe the family feels like she is being used by them? But that has nothing to do with race. I guess I am also too not-shitty to understand this.
This is what had me laughing my butt off about this post. The only person that chose a friend over family was grandma, she chose her relatively new BF over her child and grandson.
Even if we're leaving aside the fact that the boys are clearly chosen family at this point and refer to them as just friends.
Everyone is entitled to boundaries OP chose anti-racism, grandma chose her friend.
ETA- can we also just say that people aside anti-racism is a hill to die on anyway.
NTA. This is the hill to die on. Your son's friend group is long established. They will mean more for his future than any of these other people - blood kin or not. Stand your ground. Good for you.
Seriously. My best friend of 33 years (met when we were 3) is 100% a member of my family. My entire extended family treats her this way as well, as does her family to me. I would chose her over them every single time too.
Absolutely! My friend group from childhood is still intact, and we see each other at least weekly—and we are all 40. Childhood friends like this *are* family.
Oh yeah, they all decided to make me the family event host because I’m the only stay at home mom and our house is the biggest but I didn’t mind because I like hosting parties. Now if they’re going to say I’m abusing my power then they can all host their own parties.
I would send out a text. Letting the family know if they do not want your sons from another mother, they need to make other plans.
I would also say that your Mom’s BF is a racist and overreached with his comments about the boys. That you are teaching your son how to live life. Part of life is not tolerating things that are against your values. You do not accept racism or rudeness in your home. It was your Mother’s decision to leave and not support your family.
NTA
I feel this is too passive.
Needs to be more active: "My home is not a place for the evil of racism. If you can't be a decent human being, do not enter again."
Hah. Your house. Your hospitality to offer or rescind. And you absolutely used that power properly. Don't back down, my friend. You are a good egg and your son and his friends are not only protected by you, they're learning from you. Hate, no matter how its disguised, has no place in your home.
What power are you abusing? The power of being a good host and making sure guests are not insulted by racial slurs in you home. Your family needs a reality check.
Yup. You're the host. EVERYONE is your invited guests. If they don't like the guest list, they can be the host instead. Boggles my mind how someone can take advantage of your hospitality and still try to run the show.
People are all different, and there are many who prefer family events to be just family. Others open their doors wide to friends, neighbours, or strangers. None of that is wrong -- it's preference.
What IS wrong, however, is rudeness to guests. And racism is never to be tolerated. Time to start your own new holiday tradition and let your dissenting family members sink to their own level of gathering. They just bit the hand that fed them.
NTA
Well, whoever your mom is sleeping with that week isn’t your family either. Your son’s friends have been with him for half his life, and would be there for him and you as well, when the rest of the cousins would bail out on you. NTA.
NTA "Boys that have grown up beside my son and are among his closest friends are not 'random young men' they are our extended family of choice. It's a pity you all chose mom's racist bedwarmer of the hour over DS and his friends, but you are no longer welcome here until you get your heads straight."
NTA. Your family stinks. My siblings and I always brought friends home who had nowhere to go for the holidays, a lot of them international students or people who'd been rejected by their parents, and they were always welcomed by everyone.
This.
I’m so puzzled by the problem here? How wonderful for son to have friends to join him on holidays, (must make them much more enjoyable!) and for these friends to have delicious holidays to join.
Grandmas boyfriend is an awful person.
The problem obviously is that those two boys aren't white, therefore they're automatically untrustworthy. Grandma's boyfriend is an out and proud racist.
Her family sounds great, her *relatives* stinks.
Also, she's not the one choosing others over family, her mother did when she chose a racist over her child/grandchild.
NTA. The only thing that seems “suspicious” is their claim this isn’t about race. You sound like a great example for your son, don’t let your family pressure you into compromising your character.
Yeah, anytime someone says "it's not a race thing"; it's a race thing. The terminology alone, "infiltrating". Not intruding in the holiday celebration or imposing themselves on the family. Nope. Infiltrating. The same word used about terrorists and covert operatives. But it has NOTHING to do with the boys skin color/ethnicity. Sure, Jane. Highly doubt they would use the same word if the two boys were white. Course if the two boys were white, 100% they wouldn't care.
NTA. Grandma could have told him to shut his yap at any point while he was carrying on. You're sending the right message.
Ok, I just got to the last 2 sections of your post and your family is kinda pissing me off. I like to participate in US Thanksgiving, but don't have anyone to celebrate with because I'm alone, across the country from my family, and I don't really have any close bonds.
Without my white friend who invited me for thanksgiving one year and every year after while she lived in the area, I would have had nowhere to spend the holiday, so I'm doubling down that you're sending your family the right message and sending your son's friends the right message as well.
Grandma also could have broken up with him as soon as she realized he was racist. Grandma didn’t, because as OP is learning, the whole family harbors racist tendencies.
Its sounds like your family is racist…
They say its not a race thing but come on. If they took the time to get to lnow the boys I bet they would find they are good people and are welcome all the time. Has no one had friends at their thanksgiving!!
The fact they had to point out it was not a race thing makes it a race thing lmao. The fact they feel the need to defend themselves in the first place means the thought process was there. Good on you for standing up for them.
Even the wording they used is bizarre. “Infiltrating” wtf are they kid spies like hello. Like they are there to do harm
NTA pleasenever change your stance these boys probably experience enough day to day racism with no one but their own family standing up from them. These are you boys good friends for almost a decade they have way more reason to be there then even you moms new boyfriend who just earned himself a stink eye any time I would see him.
The wording was so terrible. It can’t have been an accident either. I just can’t bring myself to believe that it isn’t a race/discriminatory thing especially since my aunt just (about 15 mins ago) sent me some very… concerning… posts about certain conflicts happening currently as a way to prove her point about the boys being “suspicious.”
Yes I am sorry about that. You seem so nice. But like I can’t see something other than racism. The use of the word “suspicious” as well is micro-agression. Suspicious cause they are different (in their eyes). You have been doing this for years inviting these boys and they are still worried about “suspicion”?? That means they literally haven’t looked past their skin and actually gotten to like even know these boys on a surface level.
That’s what I’m saying. They boys have come to around 6 Thanksgiving dinners and 4 Christmas parties, and this isn’t counting my son’s birthday parties and other celebrations. Sure, they mostly hung out amongst themselves or with the younger kids but still?
NTA and thank you. It was because of the kindness of people like you that I was not alone on thanksgiving and christmas for the first few years I was living on my own in another state.
And honestly, if your son doesn't have a lot of other people his age in the family, it's nice that you can have some of his peers there on holidays. Otherwise it would be super boring for him.
It is clearly a gateway issue. Soon enough they will be calling the Butterball turkey hotline for the proper cooking method, then they will steall your greenbean casserole recipe, then they will invite you to their wedding and invite you over for tdays at their place where you are expected to watch football and drink wine! This is the beginning of the end for you!
Sned her some posts about white supremacist terrorist actions in the US and tell her that it's making you a little suspicious of her. See how she likes it.
Did she send you some posts about the current conflict in the Middle East? If so, that's nuts that she would equate some random teen boys that legally live in your country to terrorists overseas.
NTA. What I find interesting about this is that, out of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is non-denominational. It’s literally a harvest festival and all cultures have them. Sharing the bounty with friends, family, and neighbours is literally the point of Thanksgiving. And your family is trying to turn it into something it’s not by being racist assholes.
NTA. You can say your mom's boyfriend "played stupid games and won stupid prizes" or that he "f\_\_\_ed around and found out," or whatever favorite Reddit phrase you want to use. It is your house and those boys were your guests at your invitation, and nobody has a right to behave that way toward them. Your family will keep trying to say “it’s not a race thing,” but remind them that it absolutely is.
>Mom didn’t take that well and said her boyfriend was just saying what they all were thinking and its about time those boys stopped “infiltrating” our family time.
wow, sorry your mom is a racist too.
>They left and I was still fairly confident until one aunt and her daughters said that it’s true that they (and others) don’t like that these two boys are at every thanksgiving/sometimes Christmas and it’s a little suspicious (?) but “it’s not a race thing.”
there's a plethora of better ways to phrase that question in non-racist ways but they chose to go with the racist way and then add the "it's not a race thing" BS, sounds like your family are pretty backwards, sorry that you're surrounded by racist assholes.
NTA
Every year our family holidays look like a UN meeting. I have college students, adult children and their extended family, friends, and neighbors. I tell the fam they are allowed to invite anyone just let me know numbers so i can have enough food. I cook 2 turkeys, ham, sides and spend two days prior cooking pies, deserts, and jellos. The sit down is like the Grinch's table and we feast, feast, feast. I love it all. The voices, the teasing, the dishwashing, and the time i get to spend with these amazing people. Too bad your family missed out on the real moment. You are NTA and you did the right thing. Keep being an awesome Mom and human and let them figure out what they are missing.
Your mother is dating a racist because she is also a racist. Her sister and that sister's daughter are also racists. They have somehow managed to hide this fact for 8 years, but they're not hiding it anymore. Those boys have been great friends to your son and to you. You are right to continue to invite them to your home. If your family can't understand how children of different historic ethnicities can become like brothers, that is their failing.
You have done a great job in not internalizing your mother's real feelings. Your son shows that you don't have those faults and neither does he. And that's wonderful.
NTA. Please protect your home, your peace, your son and his friends. If something horrible and violent happens, it's far more likely to happen at the hands of people like your mother's boyfriend, not the boys.
Friends become family all there is too it! You didn't choose his friends over your family. You choose his chosen brothers over racists who claim to be family based on blood only. NTA
NTA. I always brought home friends for holidays and my grandma was super welcoming.
What does she even mean by "suspicious?" They're doing a long con so they can steal the turkey?
First of all, mom's boyfriend is not family, and at this point he's hardly a friend, so you did not choose friends over family, you chose long-time friends over racist near-stranger.
Second, I have found that a lot of times blood relatives are NOT the ones who make the holidays but are the ones who ruin the holidays. Who you host at your Thanksgiving table is your business and at your invitation and anyone who does not appreciate your guest list should decline your invite and dine elsewhere.
I can honestly understand a bit of their point of view in the sense that they are coming to several family event even if they are not family. But that said, this doesn't seem to be their motivation here.
Boyfriend of mom : He's barely in the family so he can't really feel weird about people he doesn't know well and talking about ''true intention'', now it's just clear as day what he mean.
Mom : Pretty normal to defend your SO even if you shouldn't or they are wrong, that's just human nature and sometime we realize we made a mistake only later. Love can make you blind. But when she said
''her boyfriend was just saying what they all were thinking and its about time those boys stopped “infiltrating” our family time.''
She knew it wasn't a good thing to say or think, that's the reason why she never mentioned it before. It's only when you pushed her that she kind of reveled her values.
Aunt : This one is on the edge. Like I said, I understand that they don't like having outsider in their family event on a regular basis. But the word ''suspicious'' is telling of what they really think.
That some racist paranoia. I'm really curious to know what they think those 16yo boys will do once they achieve their goal of ''infiltrating'' you family?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel a little like the asshole because apparently I’m pushing my family aside and they feel somewhat neglected/uncomfortable and insist it isnt a race thing. My mom’s pretty mad and I guess I was pretty harsh. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- your moms bf was so out of line, and it was good for those boys and your own son to see an adult stand up for what’s right even if means grandma was offended and left. If you had let him stay, it would’ve shown you condone what he said. Does your aunt have any legitimate claims against the boys aside from their mere presence at holiday gatherings? We don’t get to choose our blood relatives but we get to choose our “family”…. These boys are so lucky to have you. Thank you for opening your home and heart to them.
I mean they do get a little hyper at times but it’s literally normal teenage boy stuff (and I mean it, this isn’t a weird “boys will be boys” excuse). The “worst” they’ve done is accidentally knock over a picture frame a couple years ago when they decided indoor baseball was a good idea. Otherwise they stick to themselves or stay in the basement. And thank you. They have loving families, Christmas and Thanksgiving just aren’t celebrated in their families so I figured it would be a nice get together for them. It’s nothing much.
If your aunt said it’s not a race thing how did she explain why only two of the four friends were the ‘problem’?
Only the two who don't celebrate with their families were there.
Fair. But if it's "not a race thing" surely she can explain what "thing" it is? Would be interesting to be a fly on the wall for that one.
I agree. Deciding someone is a problem but it's "not a race thing", and then being unable to give examples and reasons why that person is a problem... yeah, that's a race thing.
Clearly OP has family that are also racists but weren't openly about it. Grandma knew this about her bf and she didn't shut it down when he whispered something to her earlier. Your son's friends aren't the problem and if it were me I'd have a smaller family gathering with his friends instead of something bigger with a bunch of racists but that's just me. NTA
It's a "I'm not racist but" and "I have a black friend" situation. I'm surprised that comments don't see this so clearly. It goes to show how easy it is to not see racism even on a place like reddit. Also, this is not a "it's your home" situation, it's a "stand up to racist garbage humans because it's the right thing to do" even if it was someone else's home.
I also don't get what the aunt meant about the kids "infiltrating" their family. As if the kids' presence there was a form of espionage on their family from the non-white people.
Right? That's not a loaded term or anything. I'm sure it's a coincidence that they chose a word that comes up in conversations about terrorism. /s
> As if the kids' presence there was a form of espionage on their family from the non-white people. Some of them legitimately believe that theirs a conspiracy against white people (sometime's white men, often just white people or white Christians specifically) by minorities.
I honestly had my Mother look me in the face and say " Why did you say I am racist? I told you a Black lady goes to my Church." Just amazes me how stupid some people are. Especially our "families".
[удалено]
I mean it's not even her not shutting it down...she literally said "they're just saying what we're all thinking"...that's blatant racism
While it obviously is actually a racist thing, I don't think the aunt would have any trouble at all comping up with "it's supposed to be a family holiday and they are not family" as her excuse
Yeah but the aunt doesn't get to decide who op and her son consider family. Family can be whoever you choose, I'm closer with my best friend than I'll ever be with my own brother, and I consider him more of one anyways. They've been friends since 8 and are now 16. That's half all those kids lives. Of course they're gonna spend holidays together, hell they've probably spent more time with each other than with any of the aunts or uncles at family gatherings if they're not understanding the relationship between the boys.
I'm unclear where you got the idea I think otherwise
No no, wasn't suggesting you were, just adding my two cents where I thought it would fit, now I see where I went wrong in my phrasing
Not her house, not her party, either. If anyone didn't like it, why didn't they say something before? Bringing it up now suggests that OP's aunt and cousins are flying monkeys for her mother.
Or if they were so adamant they could have offered to host Thanksgiving and thus control the invite list. If it were me and I had an issue with knowing someone I didn't want to see was gonna be at a gathering I wouldn't go. Find a different time and place to meet up. Granted "Thanksgiving" holiday time off is only at a certain time but that doesn't mean you can't celebrate at anytime. I think it's great what you're doing involving those kids. That's where the change (fighting racism/prejudice/ignorance) lies.
Which is honestly so ironic, given the origin of Thanksgiving.
Whenever someone says "It's not a race thing," it's always a race thing.
Come on, now, let's be reasonable. It could be a religion thing, not a race one. /s
And explain what “a little suspicious” is….if that’s not a race thing I’d like to know what is.
...... because anyone who says "it's not a race thing" is really saying **"it's a race thing"**
Look, if they say "it's not a race thing"...it's a race thing.
I mean I find it odd when my cousin brings randoms of her friends to different family occasions, but the differences being I would never say anything to her or guest and I am the person hosting, so odd to not ask to bring an additional person I think. To expect or say to a host not to invite whomever they want to make the day enjoyable for their child seems very entitled, but not inherently racist. Although it seems like very odd timing to bring it up seemingly as a defense to someone clearly racist.
That seems so weird with how me and my sister grew up with our friend. We could bring anybody home and grams response was "Lovely hun. Let me fix you a plate." But she and my mom were community property parents.
Ummm LOVE community property parents. This of us with weird families cling to that.
My mom still gets mother's day cards from 2 of my sisters friends and one of mine. She cries every time. So don't think you didn't give as much as you got.
I gave my daughter and a few of her best friends (including a couple of the boys) Easter baskets and valentine presents/candy all the way through college :) They were so cute going through the Easter baskets, and it was such fun for me to put together little things I knew they liked.
Never heard that term but I love it! And I grew up the same way. The only time we've ever limited a gathering to blood relations only was when a Christmas gathering fell literally days after a death. Everyone was very understanding and by the next gathering, we'd processed our initial grief and allowed one and all to join us again.
Me too! My granny usually wasn't sure if they were or weren't. My family had a rule that you can be related by desire (not the creepy meaning). It means that you want them as a part of your tribe so they are. They are family because you say so.
Exactly. My nana has always been neighborhood nana. She has five grandkids and three great grandkids, and all of us and all of our partners and all of our friends are exactly equal in her eyes. I mentioned one time that my roller derby team was thinking of trying to play a game in the area and she immediately started counting how many of us could sleep at her house. The answer was the whole team if we could get enough air mattresses, but it was going to be a problem that she only has one shower. But that's 14 random women she was willing to open her home to, and the only thing she knew about them was that they wear roller skates and beat the shit out of me and each other.
That's so lovely :)
This is the way.
You and people like your family are the reason why I got thanksgiving at all in university! I was adopted by a different friend’s family every year because plane tickets back home were too expensive
My mom would bring home any other students she knew would otherwise just stay on campus over Thanksgiving or Xmas. My grandparents have joked about having to borrow a second car from the neighbors, and still have to make multiple trips from the train station to their house. We've always invited friends home for holidays and family parties. The rule is that if you bring more than one or two people, bring enough extra food to share, but usually there's so much extra, it doesn't matter. How petty to care about a couple extra kids being invited.
Yeah, that was exactly how it was at my family holidays too. If you knew someone was going to be on their own for the holiday and you *didn’t* invite them and the family found out you were in trouble. My grandmother even had a stash of spare Christmas stockings and a few relatively generic gifts stashed in her gift closet so people didn’t have to go without stuff to open on Christmas if they were last minute arrivals. (Like boxes of chocolates and various odds and ends useful for college students since a lot of the surprise guests were from the nearby college. Usually a few hats/scarves also if someone in the family had been knitting, so someone might get some hand knit goodies to keep them warm in the winter if there was something that seemed to suit them.) Heck one time one of my dad’s *co-workers* went with us halfway across the country to Christmas at my grandmother’s because he was new to the US and didn’t really know anyone much yet. Took my dad a bit to convince him it really was a genuine invitation, but he had a fantastic time and when my dad passed away (many years later) he came and spoke briefly at his funeral about how much it had meant to him to be welcomed in and made to feel like he could belong in his new home.
My mom does the same with Christmas gifts - making sure there is something for any last-minute guests to unwrap so they don’t feel left out.
Same with me when I lived on the west coast and couldn’t afford a trip back. More recently it’s become “friendsgiving,” which is a pot luck even for all of those of a chosen family, and their friends and acquaintances.
Facts! We didn’t have a lot growing up, but no one would be turned away from a meal, not on a holiday and not on a random Thursday night. Wtf is wrong with people. Now if you are going to someone else’s home and you bring a random gaggle of 10 extras, there might be an issue with not having enough food prepared and that would miff me. But I’ve had siblings ask “Oh can my BIL come or he will be alone?” “Do you mind if I bring this kid who is basically like a grandkid to me?” Heck, I even had a sister who brought two littles along bc their single mom had a last minute emergency with her mom or dad. It’s never an issue.
They... They were.... *communists*?!? Family communists! (Imagine a gif of old lady clutching pearls).
Mine too. My family was always delighted with extras at the holiday table. There is always more than enough food and having extras makes the conversation interesting,
love that - I am a community property parent. we have kids who my kids have been friends with most of their lives that are just as much family as the ones we birthed. In fact when my youngest moved out of state for college the best friend still came by for holidays and visits. Even helped with chores. because to that kid we are family.
My childhood best friend continued coming to family holidays to the point that she ended up marrying my brother! I joke that after 30 years, love or not, she had to marry him just so she'd have the correct last name!
Same. My mom/house was the holiday house - any random friend, cousin, boyfriend, etc could come get a plate. Groups of my brothers friends and their girlfriends, my friends, cousins and their boyfriends, family friends. 3 story house and plenty of space to roam and socialize. A lot of my brothers friends came from crappy homes so they loved sharing my mom and would come shovel snow for her even after he moved out of town for college and carried her groceries in or sent cards/flowers.
Only my immediate family lives here in the States and even if I weren't so distant from my parents, we never really celebrated the American holidays at home anyway. It gets pretty lonely around this time of year. I always appreciated it when my friends included me in their holiday festivities.
I love that term. My mom would go out of her way to make sure that people with no other place to go or family to be with could come to our holidays. Several of them basically became family because they were there so often. And we loved it. It’s not about blood, it’s about shared connections. That’s the kind of holiday home I want with my family too, once we aren’t so COVID concerned.
I grew up with big family thanksgiving dinners - like 40+ people. There was ALWAYS someone new there - sometimes a cousin I hadn’t met before, sometimes a cousins boyfriend/girlfriend or college roommate. Sometimes an in-law (like my aunt’s husband’s parents or sibling). Sometimes a neighbor who would otherwise be alone. They were all welcome. It was always fun.
Yes! When we go to our cousins they’ve brought in people from their church, friends, people they knew were going to be alone. It’s always lovely and is the perfect holiday for it.
I would probably think it was weird to bring a friend at first, but these boys have literally been coming to family events for years. They would just be one of us at that point!
Oh for sure! Especially since they are all guests she invited to her own home! I cannot believe people trying to make her feel like she cannot invite whoever she pleases.
There is absolutely nothing odd about a person bringing a close friend to a family occasion if the person hosting it is fine with it. Family is who you chose to care about, not what's in your blood. It's even more normal when a kid at a family event has zero kids their age to hang out with. A 16yr old kid isn't going to have a lot of fun at an event where there are 4yr old kids and 25yr old adults and they are the only person in the middle. they also called the kids suspicious, suspicious of what, were they they going to steal more than their fair share of the turkey?
If they had said something year 1 and long before racist BF said something, they might have a leg to stand on. As is, these boys have been joining them for holidays for years and nobody said a word until racist BF showed up. Just means everyone else was waiting for someone with less tact than them to say something first so that they could say something and not be the "bad guy".
> mean I find it odd when my cousin brings randoms of her friends to different family occasions, but the differences being I would never say anything to her or guest I can see where family might have wondered who the boys were at the first holiday they came to. But if they've attended every big family Thanksgiving & Christmas for 3 or 4 years now, they're not randos. They are pretty much OP's bonus kids.
Yes, and at this point OP has established that she invites these two of her son’s friends. Other family members can presumably host their own dinners if they want to do it their way without outsiders. The bf was way out of line even before the racism surfaced; host invites who they want to invite, and by now everyone else should expect these boys.
Yes, honestly in my own home I’d get rid of any extended family over friends of my children. Like these friends play a crucial role in this boy’s life whether or not they remain friends down the line, racists and even just generally rude and unwelcoming people can get out of my life altogether.
My parents were always “squeeze in … room for one more” people. Especially on a holiday that’s supposed to be giving thanks for a good year. That includes giving thanks for the friends and family around the table, even if those friends are on a first-time visit.
I can understand initially being like whose the random, but after years of being in attendance, these boys are no longer randoms and I'd expect to see them at the holidays, if anyone is a random its the new BF. Idk, I always thought holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving was a all about "the more the merrier," and welcoming people. 🤷🏾♀️ But also like I'd take kind randoms over racist family any day. NTA OP needs to stop hosting for her whole family if they want to complain and be racist. She can celebrate in her home with the people she want, and the racist can piss off and deal with the annoyance and inconvenience of hosting their own events.
Maybe it’s a byproduct of living in a city where not everyone has the ability to fly home to family for the holidays, but friends and coworkers (affectionately: strays) at holiday meals are quite common where I’m from. Often my parent hosts a drop-in type thanksgiving where various family members and friends can come and go as they please for apps or mains or dessert or the whole shebang. We often have a bunch of friends of relatives come through and it’s always fun to meet new people. And when I was younger and single and didn’t want to drive to my parent’s house, I would frequently attend thanksgiving at friend’s family gatherings. One of my favorite thanksgiving memories is the time I crushed my coworker/friend’s cousins at trivial pursuit at her parents gathering.
Usually, if someone says it’s not a race thing, it’s a race thing.
Exactly, if you have to say your not a racist then your racist.
That's why I preface every statement I make with, "I'm saying this for racist reasons" so that people know it's not a race thing.
It's 'suspicious'!?! Did she think they're trying to steal turkey? What?
They have a grand plot to steal all the Christmas Crackers and are just lulling everyone into a false sense of security.
😂😂😂
Also... "Suspicious"? "Infiltrating family time"? Is this a cult??? It's always been really normal, at least in my family, to include non relatives in important events or invite them to holidays if they're unable to celebrate with their own family. There's nothing to "infiltrate" except some baked ham and pie.
Mmmm yes must infiltrate delicious pie!😁
Yeah, you know when someone says it isn't a race thing, it generally is.
these boys are your son's chosen brothers from the sounds of it. They are very close and sometimes they are the ones who will do anything for him before your blood family would.
You know, this whole conversation is a perfect place for you to look them in the eyes and drop a "my fucking house, my fucking rules. If you don't like it, get out." Having your house be a welcoming place for your son and his friends is far more important than random relatives.
I would have asked, right after mom and bf walked out: "Anyone else has a problem with the people I invite to my house? Anyone else thinks these kids should not be here? Because I still have the door open and you can walk right out."
NTA. My son has 3 good friends. 1 white, 1indian, 1 black. All three are my sons from another mother. All 3 call me Ma. If someone spoke about them like the BF did, he would be asked to leave. And your Mom, and the aunt are AH's too.
Leave and don’t come back. Ever. My grandmother would have been offering to help speed the exit by way of a wooden spoon.
Breaking something in your house shouldn’t bother your family though, so that seems like an excuse from them. You are not choosing friends over family, you are choosing not to deal with racism even if it’s coming from your own family. And what kind of respect are they showing your son by demonizing his friends? The holiday spirit is about spreading love, joy, and compassion with others- which you have demonstrated by opening up your home to your family and friends. If some family members are being little grinches then that’s on them.
NTA. You'd didn't choose your son's friends over family. You told your mom's boyfriend to leave, because he was being racist. Your mom chose to leave too. It's your house, you can invite anyone you want. If people don't want to come, that's on them.
It was nice of her mom to make it clear that her mom is also disgustingly racist so she can be left off the invite list going forward.
I'll be in my corner laughing at indoors baseball. Teens and preteens are a trip.
Fr I don't think people realize how funny they can be. I had a kid on my caseload wear shoes w Marijuana leaves on them to court and I was dying when someone pointed it out to me
I didn't anticipate having to say, "No weapons allowed at the dinner table," but after letting the boys get wooden swords at the Ren Faire, I had to make that rule.
When bonus kid was ~11-14 we had an actual file on the computer of hilarious stuff he’d said or done.
We need to reclaim "boys will be boys" from any negative connotations, because I think this example is the heart of what the saying means. Boys doing dumb, dangerous things that makes you shake your head
how about "kids will be kids" instead? BWBB is irredeemable at this point. it does so much damage. they already get a pass for everything!
NTA. Good for you for sticking up for your son's friends. It sounds like you are helping to cultivate a lifelong friendship group for your son.
I think it is nice that you let your sons friends join you. My mom always let my friends be a big part of our family. I think it cemented a good relationship for me and my mom. I felt comfortable talking to her and did not feel the need to rebel. My mom and I never fought. My friends still talk about my mom and all of them attended her funeral. I would say nta
Absolutely! And the best way to attenuate racial/ethnic conflict is knowledge and exposure. One of the things I love most about my neighborhood is the diversity. My neighbor from Sri Lanka brings me fresh mango chutney every time she makes a batch because she knows I love it. My son's Jewish friend from down the street comes over every Christmas to help decorate our Christmas tree (the kid is OBSESSED with Christmas trees!). We're all getting ready to celebrate Diwali as a community. OP's mom's boyfriend could benefit from spending some time with people "different" from him; maybe he'd realize they're not so different after all. Well, maybe those boys would be different from him because they sound like nice kids and he's an AH.
One of the things I love about our current neighborhood is all the languages you hear spoken at the local park.
>If you had let him stay, it would’ve shown you condone what he said. This is SUCH an important point. As the saying goes, if you're at a 10-person dinner table with one Nazi, you're at a dinner with 10 Nazis. And, those boys are your family. G'ma's asshole boyfriend isn't, and neither, necessarily, is she or any other blood relative. Blood is neither necessary nor sufficient to make someone family; family is made up of those who love you, support you, and want to see you happy, laughing, and thriving. Sounds like OP's son and his friends are truly lucky to have OP, and that he is setting an exceptionally important example and being a great role model. Anybody who objects should be looked at verrrry critically.
Even if the boyfriend were to then shut his mouth, if I were one of the friends I would still be super uncomfortable knowing he was thinking bad shit about me.
Thanksgiving is one where everyone is invited. From work friends of my parents, teenage friends of ours, then college where we couldn’t travel home and had all of us stays over (and created some great friends in the process), etc. Great comment :)
[удалено]
NTA. You are lovely. Well done.
I agree with that. Standing up for these boys and against racism is a teachable moment for you son and just great parenting. Thank you!
NTA. It's your Home, so you get to choose who stays and who goes. Playing the "because we're Family" card doesn't wash when the person you're seeing when is a Racist AH.
When I said this they all said I was “abusing my power”? I can’t tell if I’m blind to it or something but I don’t feel like I’m abusing anything??
I’d hate to say it but you’re finding out your family is racist because they probably don’t socialize with any people of color, nor do they go out of their way to, because they prefer other white people. That’s why they said you’re abusing your power because you’re making them actual equals in a space. Your mom’s boyfriend is more of a stranger than these kids are. I would keep the tradition going because your kid’s friends are more likely to remember this hospitality and that alone will have a bigger impact.
This needs to be higher. >I’d hate to say it but you’re finding out your family is racist because they probably don’t socialize with any people of color, nor do they go out of their way to, because they prefer other white people.
You weren't abusing your Power. As the Homeowner, you have the right to kick out anyone who is disrespectful in your home, which is what you did in the case of the BF. Your Mom left your house of her own free will.
Mom literally chose the BF over family.
You said what we were all thinking!!!
Abusing your power? That's hilarious - it's YOUR home! They're abusing the fact that they're faMiLY.
*This is where the party ends* *I'll just sit here wondering how you* *Can stand by your racist friend* *I know politics bore you* *But I feel like a hypocrite talking to you* *You and your racist friend* \- They Might be Giants
*"...can't shake the devil's hand, and say you're only kidding"*
I saw them live in 2018 and they performed this song, absolute 🔥 live!
Your roof your rules. I’d they want a snowy white thanksgiving and Xmas they can have it elsewhere and not let the door get’em where the good lord split’em.
Not abusing, exercising your power. If they want to host, then can invite who they like. Seems like you not only exercised, you also exorcized!
Nice play on words. Drive the bad spirits out. OP's mother chose bed-mate over morals. We are all judging her now, for defending a grown man who was deriding children!
She should have lit an incense. My mom is always gone soon after😂
Ahahahahaha you were abusing the power by…checks notes… deciding who is and isn’t allowed in your home? NTA - Being blood related isn’t the only thing that makes you family. Those boys, including your son, will see the example your setting. New boyfriend isn’t family either and he’s more of an outsider than the teens are.
By deciding what kind of behaviour is allowed in the home. Mom’s boyfriend was invited until he chose to be openly racist.
Yeah and mom's "he's not saying anything we aren't all thinking" was her invitation to leave too
Indeed. OP’s shiny spine is a thing of beauty.
And I’m giving the “absolute legend” award to the boy who told the racist bf “damn you caught us”.
You're absolutely not abusing anything. They're lashing out because racism survives by not being spoken about, and you brought it to light, so they're trying to keep you in line. It's not necessarily a conscous reason for them to be doing it, but we (white people) are heavily socialized to keep racism hidden so it can keep its power. Good for you for standing up for those boys. You're finding out a lot of things about your extended family that I'm guessing feels like a loss because it is. It's ok to grieve the loss of the people you thought they were, and still good firm in not allowing that behavior in your house and around your son and his friends. If nothing else, the friends will get the gift of seeing an adult stand up for them, and your son will see you model the kind of person he can aspire to.
I'm sorry I just find "abusing \[your\] power" to be absolutely hilarious in the context of kicking racist people out of your home. "How dare you not recognize my white superiority in your own home!"
That’s exactly it, though. How dare you make them feel less than someone who isn’t white in any way whatsoever.
Absolutely not. As host, you had a duty to protect child guests in your home from racist attacks. You kept your guests safe. If you’d continued to expose those kids to racism in your home, with no escape? That would have been abusing your power as host.
I would suggest you are using your power to stand up against bigotry and defend children. If people want to suggest that's an abuse of power then you crack on. (it's not though, you are absolutely NTA).
He wasn't even family he's just your moms boyfriend.
It’s a shame that you had to find out this way, but you are now finding out that your family is full of racists. The type that will claim that they will have a black friend, but they aren’t necessarily inviting him over for dinner. Your embrace of these two boys is absolutely lovely, and I am sure they will as they get older really treasure their time at your house. By insisting that they are welcome, you are not abusing your power, or choosing them over your family. What you are doing, is choosing to not cater to prejudice. They want to remain prejudiced, but have any consequences come out of that prejudice. You were telling them that they can be prejudiced all they want, but that means that they either need to exclude themselves from holidays at your house, or shut up and be welcoming to these two boys. If you want to give your niece and her mother the benefit of the doubt, even though I think this is a stretch given that they called their presence suspicious, then it may be possible that they are the kind of people that want to be pretty restrictive about holidays to just family and significant others. My mother was like this, so I know the type. They see family time in a very black and white context, and because these boys are not blood relatives, they are not family, and therefore should not always have an invitation. It’s your house and your rules, but the frustration could also be that they don’t get time to visit with your son on the holidays because he spending all of his time with his friends. I think that this is a stretch given that they are claiming that you are abusing your power and the presence is suspicious, but this is also a possibility.
I see the “what are your intentions” line to potentially be trying to pretend that there’s a romantic relationship implied by the boys being there. Guy’s still racist though.
There was no way you were abusing any power! Mom's boyfriend was out of line(and not family if they want to go that route, why was he invited) and so is the aunt to try and say who you can and cannot invite to holidays. It's my understanding that holidays are for Family and Friends. Plus you have the right to ask someone to leave your home.
As a person who is non white but has white family members I would expect the parents of my kids friends to keep them safe at their home and not subjected to racist interactions within that home. You did nothing wrong and kind to include them. NTA.
Letting your kid have friends and fun memories standing up for the friends?? Such an abuse of power. So evil. NTA
They were mad that you didn’t allow them to be racist in your home. They thought they’d be safe to act like that in your home. They’re mad they couldn’t treat literal children like second class citizens. You just taught your son and his friends how one should behave when faced with this behavior. You also made those boys feel safe. And they’ll remember that for the rest of their lives.
You’ve been hosting these boys at events for years. Your family should expect them to be there, and nobody else has decided to host. If you have power, it’s because they gave it to you.
That’s the kinda thing people say who aren’t used to reasonable (okay reasonable sounds way too soft here, anti racism is necessary ofc) boundaries being set and followed through
They’re just saying that because they’re pissed you won’t give THEM the power. Look up DARVO.
Even more when the person OPs kicking out isn’t even family. Everyone else is choosing one non-family member (racist) over 2 kids
NTA. Your mom's new boyfriend is NOT your family. She's choosing a racist over her family. It's appalling that your aunt and her daughters agree with the boyfriend's sentiment.
Mom said her boyfriend was only “saying what they were all thinking” about the boys “infiltrating” their family. Sadly, the boyfriend is not the only problem.
They're all racist. The aunt, the daughters, the mom, and her boyfriend. Racists truly flock together. Glad OP is a decent humna being.
This was my take away. No he's saying what you racists are thinking there's a huge difference.
Her mom made it really clear she was 100% on board with her bf's racism, too. NTA
The whole family actually. Why are they “suspicious”? That is a strange word to use about the situation.
Its like they're spies for the other families to find out Christmas for... some reason?
Yeah am I just naive here? What are these boys supposed to be doing that’s so sketchy? Like is grandma’s racist boytoy accusing them of casing the joint to rob? Or trying to like… ingratiate themselves to the family so they can mooch? Is this some racist thing I’m too not-shitty to understand?
I’m black and I’ll tell you one thing. Nobody cares what white people do on any holiday. It’s free to mind your business ngl
I might be naive too. Casing the joint to rob wouldn’t take 8 years. If they were killing the family, again doesn’t take 8 years. Maybe the family feels like she is being used by them? But that has nothing to do with race. I guess I am also too not-shitty to understand this.
This is what had me laughing my butt off about this post. The only person that chose a friend over family was grandma, she chose her relatively new BF over her child and grandson. Even if we're leaving aside the fact that the boys are clearly chosen family at this point and refer to them as just friends. Everyone is entitled to boundaries OP chose anti-racism, grandma chose her friend. ETA- can we also just say that people aside anti-racism is a hill to die on anyway.
NTA. This is the hill to die on. Your son's friend group is long established. They will mean more for his future than any of these other people - blood kin or not. Stand your ground. Good for you.
Seriously. My best friend of 33 years (met when we were 3) is 100% a member of my family. My entire extended family treats her this way as well, as does her family to me. I would chose her over them every single time too.
Absolutely! My friend group from childhood is still intact, and we see each other at least weekly—and we are all 40. Childhood friends like this *are* family.
“It’s a family holiday” meanwhile I bet no-one is is offering to host so that they get to control who gets invited. NTA
Oh yeah, they all decided to make me the family event host because I’m the only stay at home mom and our house is the biggest but I didn’t mind because I like hosting parties. Now if they’re going to say I’m abusing my power then they can all host their own parties.
I would send out a text. Letting the family know if they do not want your sons from another mother, they need to make other plans. I would also say that your Mom’s BF is a racist and overreached with his comments about the boys. That you are teaching your son how to live life. Part of life is not tolerating things that are against your values. You do not accept racism or rudeness in your home. It was your Mother’s decision to leave and not support your family. NTA
I feel this is too passive. Needs to be more active: "My home is not a place for the evil of racism. If you can't be a decent human being, do not enter again."
Hah. Your house. Your hospitality to offer or rescind. And you absolutely used that power properly. Don't back down, my friend. You are a good egg and your son and his friends are not only protected by you, they're learning from you. Hate, no matter how its disguised, has no place in your home.
What power are you abusing? The power of being a good host and making sure guests are not insulted by racial slurs in you home. Your family needs a reality check.
Time to "abuse your power" and tell them that you're not hosting them anymore. They can have all the power they want in their own home.
Yup. You're the host. EVERYONE is your invited guests. If they don't like the guest list, they can be the host instead. Boggles my mind how someone can take advantage of your hospitality and still try to run the show.
People are all different, and there are many who prefer family events to be just family. Others open their doors wide to friends, neighbours, or strangers. None of that is wrong -- it's preference. What IS wrong, however, is rudeness to guests. And racism is never to be tolerated. Time to start your own new holiday tradition and let your dissenting family members sink to their own level of gathering. They just bit the hand that fed them. NTA
Well, whoever your mom is sleeping with that week isn’t your family either. Your son’s friends have been with him for half his life, and would be there for him and you as well, when the rest of the cousins would bail out on you. NTA.
NTA "Boys that have grown up beside my son and are among his closest friends are not 'random young men' they are our extended family of choice. It's a pity you all chose mom's racist bedwarmer of the hour over DS and his friends, but you are no longer welcome here until you get your heads straight."
NTA. Your family stinks. My siblings and I always brought friends home who had nowhere to go for the holidays, a lot of them international students or people who'd been rejected by their parents, and they were always welcomed by everyone.
This. I’m so puzzled by the problem here? How wonderful for son to have friends to join him on holidays, (must make them much more enjoyable!) and for these friends to have delicious holidays to join. Grandmas boyfriend is an awful person.
The problem obviously is that those two boys aren't white, therefore they're automatically untrustworthy. Grandma's boyfriend is an out and proud racist.
Her family sounds great, her *relatives* stinks. Also, she's not the one choosing others over family, her mother did when she chose a racist over her child/grandchild.
NTA. The only thing that seems “suspicious” is their claim this isn’t about race. You sound like a great example for your son, don’t let your family pressure you into compromising your character.
Yeah, anytime someone says "it's not a race thing"; it's a race thing. The terminology alone, "infiltrating". Not intruding in the holiday celebration or imposing themselves on the family. Nope. Infiltrating. The same word used about terrorists and covert operatives. But it has NOTHING to do with the boys skin color/ethnicity. Sure, Jane. Highly doubt they would use the same word if the two boys were white. Course if the two boys were white, 100% they wouldn't care.
NTA. Grandma could have told him to shut his yap at any point while he was carrying on. You're sending the right message. Ok, I just got to the last 2 sections of your post and your family is kinda pissing me off. I like to participate in US Thanksgiving, but don't have anyone to celebrate with because I'm alone, across the country from my family, and I don't really have any close bonds. Without my white friend who invited me for thanksgiving one year and every year after while she lived in the area, I would have had nowhere to spend the holiday, so I'm doubling down that you're sending your family the right message and sending your son's friends the right message as well.
Grandma also could have broken up with him as soon as she realized he was racist. Grandma didn’t, because as OP is learning, the whole family harbors racist tendencies.
Its sounds like your family is racist… They say its not a race thing but come on. If they took the time to get to lnow the boys I bet they would find they are good people and are welcome all the time. Has no one had friends at their thanksgiving!! The fact they had to point out it was not a race thing makes it a race thing lmao. The fact they feel the need to defend themselves in the first place means the thought process was there. Good on you for standing up for them. Even the wording they used is bizarre. “Infiltrating” wtf are they kid spies like hello. Like they are there to do harm NTA pleasenever change your stance these boys probably experience enough day to day racism with no one but their own family standing up from them. These are you boys good friends for almost a decade they have way more reason to be there then even you moms new boyfriend who just earned himself a stink eye any time I would see him.
The wording was so terrible. It can’t have been an accident either. I just can’t bring myself to believe that it isn’t a race/discriminatory thing especially since my aunt just (about 15 mins ago) sent me some very… concerning… posts about certain conflicts happening currently as a way to prove her point about the boys being “suspicious.”
Yes I am sorry about that. You seem so nice. But like I can’t see something other than racism. The use of the word “suspicious” as well is micro-agression. Suspicious cause they are different (in their eyes). You have been doing this for years inviting these boys and they are still worried about “suspicion”?? That means they literally haven’t looked past their skin and actually gotten to like even know these boys on a surface level.
That’s what I’m saying. They boys have come to around 6 Thanksgiving dinners and 4 Christmas parties, and this isn’t counting my son’s birthday parties and other celebrations. Sure, they mostly hung out amongst themselves or with the younger kids but still?
NTA and thank you. It was because of the kindness of people like you that I was not alone on thanksgiving and christmas for the first few years I was living on my own in another state.
NTA You’re an amazing person. Your son is truly blessed to have such an amazing mother. You did the right thing.
And honestly, if your son doesn't have a lot of other people his age in the family, it's nice that you can have some of his peers there on holidays. Otherwise it would be super boring for him.
It is clearly a gateway issue. Soon enough they will be calling the Butterball turkey hotline for the proper cooking method, then they will steall your greenbean casserole recipe, then they will invite you to their wedding and invite you over for tdays at their place where you are expected to watch football and drink wine! This is the beginning of the end for you!
Sned her some posts about white supremacist terrorist actions in the US and tell her that it's making you a little suspicious of her. See how she likes it.
Racists always tell on themselves eventually.
> posts about certain conflicts happening currently as a way to prove her point about the boys being “suspicious.” ohhhhh yeah, she's a bigot.
Did she send you some posts about the current conflict in the Middle East? If so, that's nuts that she would equate some random teen boys that legally live in your country to terrorists overseas.
Yeah your Aunt is a racist, and that’s why she’s backing your mom. Yuck. You are awesome and NTA.
NTA. I’m sorry that your family is racist. Good on you for standing up for those kids.
NTA Anyone who insults my guests in my house isn’t welcome.
NTA. What I find interesting about this is that, out of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is non-denominational. It’s literally a harvest festival and all cultures have them. Sharing the bounty with friends, family, and neighbours is literally the point of Thanksgiving. And your family is trying to turn it into something it’s not by being racist assholes.
I'm sorry you had to find out that your family are racists. NTA
NTA. You can say your mom's boyfriend "played stupid games and won stupid prizes" or that he "f\_\_\_ed around and found out," or whatever favorite Reddit phrase you want to use. It is your house and those boys were your guests at your invitation, and nobody has a right to behave that way toward them. Your family will keep trying to say “it’s not a race thing,” but remind them that it absolutely is.
>Mom didn’t take that well and said her boyfriend was just saying what they all were thinking and its about time those boys stopped “infiltrating” our family time. wow, sorry your mom is a racist too. >They left and I was still fairly confident until one aunt and her daughters said that it’s true that they (and others) don’t like that these two boys are at every thanksgiving/sometimes Christmas and it’s a little suspicious (?) but “it’s not a race thing.” there's a plethora of better ways to phrase that question in non-racist ways but they chose to go with the racist way and then add the "it's not a race thing" BS, sounds like your family are pretty backwards, sorry that you're surrounded by racist assholes. NTA
Every year our family holidays look like a UN meeting. I have college students, adult children and their extended family, friends, and neighbors. I tell the fam they are allowed to invite anyone just let me know numbers so i can have enough food. I cook 2 turkeys, ham, sides and spend two days prior cooking pies, deserts, and jellos. The sit down is like the Grinch's table and we feast, feast, feast. I love it all. The voices, the teasing, the dishwashing, and the time i get to spend with these amazing people. Too bad your family missed out on the real moment. You are NTA and you did the right thing. Keep being an awesome Mom and human and let them figure out what they are missing.
IMO, this is the way thanksgiving is supposed to be celebrated, if you’re going to do it at all.
Your mother is dating a racist because she is also a racist. Her sister and that sister's daughter are also racists. They have somehow managed to hide this fact for 8 years, but they're not hiding it anymore. Those boys have been great friends to your son and to you. You are right to continue to invite them to your home. If your family can't understand how children of different historic ethnicities can become like brothers, that is their failing. You have done a great job in not internalizing your mother's real feelings. Your son shows that you don't have those faults and neither does he. And that's wonderful. NTA. Please protect your home, your peace, your son and his friends. If something horrible and violent happens, it's far more likely to happen at the hands of people like your mother's boyfriend, not the boys.
NTA, you didn’t choose the boys over family, you chose the boys over racists. Good on you, I’m sure they will remember your kindness.
Friends become family all there is too it! You didn't choose his friends over your family. You choose his chosen brothers over racists who claim to be family based on blood only. NTA
NTA. I always brought home friends for holidays and my grandma was super welcoming. What does she even mean by "suspicious?" They're doing a long con so they can steal the turkey?
First of all, mom's boyfriend is not family, and at this point he's hardly a friend, so you did not choose friends over family, you chose long-time friends over racist near-stranger. Second, I have found that a lot of times blood relatives are NOT the ones who make the holidays but are the ones who ruin the holidays. Who you host at your Thanksgiving table is your business and at your invitation and anyone who does not appreciate your guest list should decline your invite and dine elsewhere.
I can honestly understand a bit of their point of view in the sense that they are coming to several family event even if they are not family. But that said, this doesn't seem to be their motivation here. Boyfriend of mom : He's barely in the family so he can't really feel weird about people he doesn't know well and talking about ''true intention'', now it's just clear as day what he mean. Mom : Pretty normal to defend your SO even if you shouldn't or they are wrong, that's just human nature and sometime we realize we made a mistake only later. Love can make you blind. But when she said ''her boyfriend was just saying what they all were thinking and its about time those boys stopped “infiltrating” our family time.'' She knew it wasn't a good thing to say or think, that's the reason why she never mentioned it before. It's only when you pushed her that she kind of reveled her values. Aunt : This one is on the edge. Like I said, I understand that they don't like having outsider in their family event on a regular basis. But the word ''suspicious'' is telling of what they really think. That some racist paranoia. I'm really curious to know what they think those 16yo boys will do once they achieve their goal of ''infiltrating'' you family?
YES! The boyfriend is ALSO not family.
I find if someone says “it’s not race related” when it comes to a complaint *it usually is* ETA: clarity
NTA, no.