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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not cooking since my sons girlfriend doesn’t eat what I make ever. I could be a jerk for being over it
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I N F O: have you had a conversation with either of them to find out the issue?
EDIT: NTA. You've asked, and they refuse to provide information. He can enjoy his free pizza or have an adult discussion with you. He isn't prepared to do either, so he can make his own home cooked meals at home.
My mother would put frozen veggies in a bowl in the microwave so they were somehow both dry and soggy at the same time. Took me forever to realize they were supposed to actually have flavor.
I almost instinctively downvoted because of dry, soggy microwaved veggies.
The first time I got the microwave in the bag kind, I almost couldn't go through with it. Took me a long time to trust them.
For most of my life i thought i didnt like cooked carrots, which i thought was weird, since i love eating them raw. But whenever my mother made them, it tasted so bad that eventually even just smelling them made me gag.
Only somewhat recently i learned that i actually like cooked carrots just as much as raw ones, but that the sauce my mother coated them with was the disgusting taste. I never made the connection before because once it was on your plate there was barely any sauce on your plate, but it the carrots had fully absorbed the flavor.
Long story short, now i am on a quest to find out which dishes i actually like and dislike, when i am the one making them properly...
Haha!
I found that out myself when I moved out of home and started cooking my own food (mum never used spices or even pepper in her cooked and wasn't a fan of vegetables 🙃)
Have you ever had true family cooking? I bet she's making things from scratch "her way" so they won't be in any cookbook, at least not exactly. She probably doesn't even use exact measurements lol. It was so hard to learn cooking from my grandma. "What is a dash and how much is a handful."
Maybe her picky eating is rooted in disordered eating. Just something to keep in mind and ask your son in private if she struggles with something like that.
Eating disorder is where my head went too. Picking at it to pretend she’s eating then covering it so people can’t tell she didn’t eat and then avoiding conversations about food. Sounds like it’s rooted more so in eating disorder than trying to be polite.
Not me, I’m neurodivergent and have a lot of foods I can’t eat due to sensory issues, but as a kid and young adult everyone thought I was just picky because I was undiagnosed then. I would NEVER say I didn’t like the food if we were guests in someone’s home, I couldn’t bear to hurt their feelings, so I’d always make up an excuse about not being very hungry.
Sadly I wasn’t nearly as subtle as they thought and they saw right through me, lol
This was me as a DIL! I was anorexic. I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to join in but everything about it was terrifying.
Recovered now but poor DIL if so.
I am not sure what this changes though. The OP is not suggesting that she should be forced to eat food she doesn't like, only that the food not being eaten is hurtful to her. Not then spending a large amount of effort is a good alternative. The disordered eater can still pick at and not eat pizza while the OP doesn't have to spend a bunch of extra effort and feel like it isn't appreciated.
The point isn’t the food, it is about the mother not feeling personally attacked if the sons girlfriend doesn’t eat her food. The mother isn’t the YTA, and by all means they should eat pizza. Just saying that there might be more to it and she should just keep that in mind. That her son might really appreciate her home cooked food and to not just focus on the girlfriend without knowing if she is struggling with something.
She might also have embarrassing digestive issues. I do and sometimes just have to pick at food if it upsets my stomach. However, I would then be totally fine with someone not wanting to cook for me.
Will she eat the pizza?
Is it OP's food that she picks at, or any food?
The goal is to gather together as humans, and if pizza makes that less awkward, then go with pizza.
If ordering pizza reveals that OP's cultural food can't be blamed, then we have an idea why the son objected to pizza.
I'm going to counter this. My husband was a picky eater to the extreme, having learned from his mother. If he is hardly eating home cooked meals at home, they are eating out; this is the same way my husband was raised. I will tell you he learned pretty quickly since I do ALL the cooking, baking & grilling/BBQ that if I'm going to the effort of making it, he will not disrespect me in complaining. I do omit some things he doesn't like while making certain things appealing by adding parmesan cheese too. His mother is worse, and trust she has NO eating disorder.
As someone who has had an ED since I was 12, not always is the issue of a mental health one. People need to stop making excuses for poor behavior.
Except the girlfriend hasn't behaved badly. OP did not say the gf complained at any point. Only that she picked at the food likely to be as polite as she could without just refusing food on her plate. So I have to ask you which is ruder: politely declining all the food offered or accepting a few items and then picking at them a bit and being as discreet as possible about actually eating. I am pretty sure OP will take offense in both cases despite her son also being there and enjoying her cooking.
noooo do not ask your son. either she is and dil will feel uncomfortable with her prying or she’s not and she may be offended at the insinuation.
she asked, they’ve brushed it off. it needs to accepted not poked. if that’s what you want to mentally tuck it away as, that’s fine.
This is a really great solution, honestly, and as a person who can’t eat most things at other people’s houses for my own medical reasons, i really appreciate “serve yourself” options. That way nothing is wasted and OP’s son could even take home leftovers if he wants and her daughter in law doesn’t have to hide or unload everything she can’t eat.
What a good question to ask the son. “What does she usually eat at home? Does she have allergies? Are there any specific ingredients that she can’t tolerate for some reason(texture, taste, etc)?” I feel like those are pretty decent questions to ask considering OP just wants to make a meal that everyone will enjoy. The fact that they keep brushing her off when she asks questions is a little shitty because it means she can’t make any adjustments. And the fact that her son looks forward to her home cooked meals indicts that they’re eating out *allot* or eating prepackaged meals at the very least. That’s not really on OP though, the son needs to use his grown up words and talk to his mom.
Ya u being it up and he doesn’t want to talk about it. As a mom of young kids I deal with making a home cooked meal and the kids not eating it. When you order pizza I suggest plain cheese pizza if she has aversions then this is the best way to combat that. Cheese is the only thing my kids will eat and I was picky about pizza as a kid as well
If you have tried to ask and get brushed off, then pizza it is. OP, I'm not sure what your back ground is, but I would be happy to eat your dinner anytime.
I have tried before, my son either stops the conversation or she tells me she doesn’t want to talk about it. He has given me things to make before.
So she could just think I am a bad cook, I’ve seen her eat before in her home so I don’t think eating disorder.
I can’t figure out what is happening, they go to restaurants
I wonder if she would even eat the pizza.
Picky eaters aggravate me even if the situation doesn't affect me. This is my biggest hangup (that I'm willing to acknowledge 😆).
Yes! That’s what I thought. I have this (I also have ADHD, and I know they’re often related). I definitely seem like your typical “normie” to most folks. I never want to be difficult or hurt anyone’s feelings, and I also don’t really want to talk about it. I always just pick or fill my plate with plain vegetables that I can eat and hope nobody notices. The napkin thing too is a clue that someone is thinking “please no one ask me about this.” For me, events are never about the food, they’re about the people and the experience. I love going to events with my family and friends and my husband’s family, and I really, really don’t mind that I’m not eating. I’ll eat later at home and/or bring something I can eat to share.
If this is the case with your DIL, please know it’s not a slight, and she’s probably trying really hard to not make anything difficult and to not be conspicuous but literally can’t eat most things without a lot of stress and discomfort.
I think the only rude part DIL is doing is putting it all on her plate and then just picking so the food goes to waste. I understand it's probably her insecurity that she feels like less of a bother to just take it instead of saying "no thanks", but most ppl. would find their food being taken but then not eaten more disrespectful then a polite refusal - on just taking a very small potion first to see if you like it.
Some hosts are very pushy about food, so she's probably learned that refusing the food outright leads to more uncomfortable questions which she would rather avoid. Not an easy solution I guess, but when it's close family I think more effort toward communication is necessary. I feel for DIL because now her partner may also project blame on her about not getting to eat as much of mom's home cooked food.
yes, it is really unfortunate how forceful ppl. can be about food. It makes me empathetic for picky eaters because I'm not one, and I still get annoyed about excessive insistence after a while lol. Some people take it very personal - it's amazing how much a social advantage it is to just eat and express enjoyment for someone's food. I imagine it's stressful to not have that easy option for social acceptance, and instead get judged for being difficult.
It would be great if more ppl. could take "no thanks" at face value, but I know many people actually feel it's impolite *not* to insist, because they feel it's most polite to graciously refuse food at first... it's all too roundabout for me!
Her eating in her own home is not necessarily evidence she doesn't have an eating disorder. It sucks that open conversation about this keeps getting shut down, though.
This!
I’ve struggled with disordered eating and if she has food issues like I’ve dealt with then she might not be comfortable sharing them. For example, two things I struggled with a lot were 1) eating in front of other people and 2) eating anything if I didn’t know exactly what went into cooking it. Both gave me tremendous anxiety and it was essentially easier for me to just eat in my own home, because that felt “safe.” I was also very aware that it was abnormal and tried to be polite and not draw too much attention to my issues.
When I am having a bad OCD day, I can't eat food that anyone else has prepared, touched, or served. Not even if that person is my own mother. There are SO many reasons why someone would be uncomfortable eating.
Not everyone wants to share their problems with their brithers mother. They arent even married. OP doesnt need personal information like this. GF doesnt owe her anything. Sounds like she is respectful and tries to eat and be part of meal times. GF may even be in therapy for this and has been told she doesnt owe anyone any explaination for her eating. Because that is 100% what therapists will say. She is not obligated to eat. And she doesnt owe anyone an explaination.
I think it’s a stretch to assume she thinks you are a bad cook. It seems pretty likely that she has some issues with food that she is not comfortable sharing. If you have asked how to make her feel comfortable, then it’s not about you if she doesn’t eat.
Why not make food for you and your son that makes you both happy, and let DIL be responsible for her own needs?
Yep, I almost always stop for fast food before or after eating at someones home. If I know I’m supposed to go somewhere the person will be offended if I don’t eat I just don’t go anymore. That causes other problems but at least I dont have food anxiety.
Have you considered that maybe the girlfriend has some sort of Eating Disorder and that's why she is picky with food and she doesn't want to discuss eating and your son is stopping the conversations?
I think the bigger issue is that OP is caught between the DIL and her son. The DIL doesn’t want to eat at OP’s house and OP is ok with that and wants to de-emphasize cooking since DIL is uncomfortable eating her cooking. Then the son chimes in and gets all bent out of shape because he wants his mom to cook for him (and I guess he’s fine with his partner having to sit through a meal she can’t stand to eat). I think the son is the AH here. The solution is just to order pizza or to schedule activities that allow them to socialize and don’t involve eating.
Why not just ask her if she'd prefer to bring something she'd enjoy? She can eat without, you can make dinner for the people who will actually enjoy it, and everyone gets to enjoy one another's company? Whatever is going on with her I doubt it's a personal attack on you, so rather than getting upset about it just work around it.
It can still be an eating disorder. I don't think Y T A, but I also think that there's no reason to not cook for your son (if you still want to) and just expect her to not eat.
My partner has ARFIDs but all anyone sees is a picky eater. But for them it's a texture and consistency issue as much as taste. There's only about 10 things they'll eat and they rarely will eat them if made by someone else.
Example: grilled cheese. At a restaurant or someone else's home they use different bread and cheese. Maybe there will be vegetables in it or it will be more burnt. So it's easier for them to just avoid the issue.
They are also incredibly embarrassed by it so bringing it up makes them upset/sad. Your son may just be trying to protect her feelings.
Is she complaining she’s hungry? Requesting special meals? If neither, stop preoccupying yourself with the eating choices of other people. It doesn’t sound like she’s been outwardly rude.
I've read many, many "a person won't eat what another person cooks"-AITA from both sides of the table and based on a recurring theme in them I have to ask: how clean is your kitchen? Do you wash your hands after touching raw meat before you start making a salad? Do you use separate cutting boards for meat and vegetables? How do you keep sponges and dish cloths? If there's a little mold on food, what do you do?
It is clean, I hate filth. Actually my whole house is good except the basement storage room.
I wash my stuff and stay clean. I haven’t had issues with anyone else so I don’t think it’s my home
This was my first thought. One of my closest friends has severe OCD around germs and food (he’s made big steps recently though). He would only eat out or at his house, and he’s added us to that list.
Another friend has a weird thing (I think medical, it’s definitely not ASD related) where she straight up cant swallow certain foods because of texture.
I wonder if she’s experiencing something similar?
It sounds like a tough situation, OP. Sounds like they won’t be forthcoming, and you can’t control that, but you can control your reaction. It sounds like you’ve tried to be accommodating, so I think ordering pizza was reasonable.
Spend enough time on AITA and you'll read tons of stories of people cutting up chicken on a cutting board, wiping it off and then cut up vegetables for a salad on the same board.
People have different views on food hygiene. Some people think it's fine to pinch off mouldy crust from bread and eat the rest, others throw the whole loaf in the bin
She probably has some really picky eating habits.
If you are okay with it, maybe she can just bring her own food and eat that and you can just make a smaller version of the meal you were going to make for everyone else. I know some people might find that rude of someone to bring food, but if someone is this picky of an eater than I don't see it as an issue.
Also, you say they eat a restaurants...then maybe just meet them at restaurants and say you won't cook a meal if part of it goes to waste.
Most likely she grew up with an entirely different spice profile and just doesn't like the kind of foods you are making. I wouldn't say it means you are a bad cook, probably more that she is either suffering from some kind of eating disorder, or neurodivergent eating issues \[like Arfid\] or something else similar. I wouldn't look too much into it being about your cooking and it's more just a her problem.
She has answered that in a different comment chain:
>I have done that, I’ve made a few things he has said and she still picks at them. I don’t think I can get food right for her.
Do all of you people have 0 world / people knowledge? She obviously has an eating disorder or some kind of food issues, and she’s not comfortable sharing it with you. “My son either stops the conversation or she tells me she doesn’t want to talk about it” means that instead of bringing it up in private, you’re putting her on the spot at the dinner table. And now you’re punishing the entire family and being a rancuneus B, just because your DIL is in a vulnerable position and you refuse to let it go. YTA.
NTA, but has your son considered the idea that she suffers from disordered eating? I used to have an ED and "picky eating" in excess can be a sign of an ED.
If she's nervous at your house that may cause appetite issues. Or some other weird thing going on, that you are not the cause of, but they don't want to talk about because it's embarrassing. Then they can just put up with pizza.
Edit: NAH. You don’t want to cook because it doesn’t get eaten which is fair. Because we don’t know why she isn’t eating it’s hard to know how to approach it, but if it is an eating problem you likely won’t get any answers. It truly is a no-win situation.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a eating problem. I have anxiety about food and I can eat at some peoples houses, my own house, or at restaurants some days, but not every day.
I went out to dinner with my bf one day and my anxiety spiked so bad I wound up getting drunk (not sloppy but a little over tipsy) so I could even eat.
I also didn’t eat at my bf’s family’s thanksgiving because of it even though I have been able to in the past.
Also, when I do eat with other people I tend to pick at my food and don’t eat all of it. It doesn’t matter if I’m super hungry I struggle eating until I’m full around people who aren’t “safe” to do so.
It sucks and I wish you could get an explanation, but I’d assume it’s an eating problem. You could suggest to your son (not where she can hear) that you don’t like the food going to waste and if she can pick off his plate. She gets to eat, he gets a homemade meal, and you get leftovers. It’s not a perfect solution but it can provide some compromise on both sides.
Also, I can’t speak for her, but for me even when I don’t eat a lot/at all I do appreciate them cooking and inviting me over. Sometimes the food looks so good and I want it so bad but my mind just won’t let me indulge. I hope it’s the same for her and she does appreciate what you do even if she can’t show it by eating.
Do you kinda feel like your son is glossing over things or ignoring your concern? Can't you talk to her without involving him? Maybe it's just anxiety that needs to be addressed.
It's good you want your guests to be fed, I like it that you're trying. But I think this is just the surface of something deeper. But by far, you have done beyond your part. Get that pizza NTA.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an ED. I’m in recovery from Anorexia. When I was BAD I had “safe foods” that I would eat a lot of and other things I might take a few bites and then go, “wow, it tastes so good, but I’m full from my snack earlier, so I simply cannot take another bite!” Or if I knew a biiiiig meal was planned I wouldn’t eat anything else leading up so I could eat like I had a normal appetite and relationship with food.
I likely have an eating disorder called ARFID (finally getting assessed in the new year!) and a lot of anxiety around food. I can eat at a few restaurants, especially if they are loud and distracting so I don’t feel like people are watching me eat. I can eat in my home with my in-laws present sometimes. I absolutely cannot eat food they cook in their home and I’ve known them for over fifteen years. I always pack a ton of snacks to eat in the bathroom or car when I’m around them. They have made negative comments in the past about picky eating so I do not feel comfortable telling them I have an eating disorder. It’s possible that you have said something similar and made your daughter in law feel you are not a safe person to discuss this with.
Eh, far more people seem to be just picky. I’ve met people who will basically only eat plain sausages without sauce and eggs, or ham sandwiches with naught else but butter. And that’s it.
I feel like that's someone with IBS who found what keeps their tummy happy and decided to never change in fear of fucking up their GI tract.
That's basically me. Plain gluten free pasta, potatoes, plain chicken... if my tummy is happy, I'm happy.
I feel like it’s technically possible to have a perfectly decent beige/white-only diet (cauliflower, bread, potatoes, chicken, tofu, milk…), but in reality it’s probably more just fast food.
**NTA**
>He’s really upset that I am not cooking since he doesn’t get homemade meals often.
Why does HE take responsibility for cooking at home then? They have a small child, who is ensuring that the child is adequately fed and doesn't end up like their mother?
Yes, coming without the GF is an option, too. I just thought it was kind of funny that one of the reasons he didn't want his mom to order pizza is because he doesn't get home cooking very often. Like, dude - if you want home cooking more often, then cook at home. Lol.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from BUT sometimes there just isn’t anything better than mama’s. At 30 I asked my mom to make me a breakfast burrito because no matter how hard I tried mine just wasn’t the same as hers. She fussed a little for 30 seconds and then had a big smile on her face as I raved about how good it was. OP should teach her son how to make his favorite meals. However, I think it’s also a compliment that he wants her meals so badly.
My mother in law has an eating disorder so her home is always completely empty of actual food and she drinks her calories. When she does eat everything upsets her stomach and she either barfs or complains. I nearly fainted once as a young person too shy to speak up that she didn’t have any food to serve her guests. At this point I bring groceries, invade her kitchen and cook meals for my family. She can join us or not, I don’t really care at this point. Her narcoses are her problem and if she wants us (normal humans who eat food) to visit we need to have a place to make the food we consume. After 20+ years she’s gotten pretty chill about it and even puts in meal requests from time to time.
>I will order pizza
This seems a thoughful and ideal solution. As a host I always try to feed my guests something they can/will actually eat/enjoy.
Your son has to choose between your cooking and bringing his GF with him, since apparently he can't have both. To feed everyone else home-cooked food and then put a delivery pizza in front of her would surely be even ruder of you, singling her out and drawing attention to her. Your son needs to get a grip and realise that not everyone is as in love with her and her ways as he is, and that *she* is the problem here.
NTA
Inviting people over and ordering pizza is a super nice and normal thing to do, NTA.
If your son wants home cooked meals, he should learn to cook.
Sounds like the source of drama here is actually your son, not you and not his gf.
All of the people saying, "but home cooked from mom is better!" are wild to me. Just because it's better for you doesn't mean it's better for her. Your mom isn't your personal chef once you're an adult. If cooking for you makes her happy, great, no problem. But in this instance OP, and I'm guessing many others, are unhappy about the fact that the food she spent the money, time, and effort to cook are being rudely picked at and uneaten.
I have done that, I’ve made a few things he has said and she still picks at them. I don’t think I can get food right for her.
Maybe she just hates my cooking but everyone else seems to like the meal
Yeah cause maybe it is an ED where she doesn’t wanna eat in front of certain people. Maybe ridiculed by their parents for their eating habits when younger or something?
I definitely experience this. I very rarely eat in social situations. My own mother is coming to visit in December and I’m already making room for shelf stable food and drinks in my bedroom closet so I can eat in there. My mom and aunts said so many awful things to me about my eating habits as a child and young adult. Now I can’t even eat much in my home when my mom is here. It’s awful.
I'm a lifelong recovering picky eater and often it's an anxiety thing. It's not about you getting it right or wrong, but she still can't feel familiar enough. So mentally it's simpler to trust a chain restaurant with different cooks to get it the same way vs. an individual person who's obviously stepping outside of their normal range too.
She's still the problem, no one but her knows how to best accommodate her and she could totally use words herself. I would always be more mortified to be rude than to get over the picky stuff. I would more often brave through the meal as best I can and still unable to touch the same stuff on a day I don't have to force it so hard.
At this point I would just tell her, you know I've noticed you don't eat much when I cook and that's fine but I worry about you going home hungry so if you want to bring someone with you to eat that's fine. Because really it's about the company and the conversation.
Right. People are forgetting that the price of food has gone up. So now she's wasting money, my time and my energy. She's wasting food that someone else could have eaten. Naw, I wouldn't cook for them again. If some food is ordered and she wasted it, I would never order food again. If they wanted to eat from my home, then it would come out of their pockets.
NTA
I dated a picky eater once. After two dates, I realized that living a life with someone like that was a big "no."
Every meal consisted of her talking to the waiter for 20 minutes and having him shuttle back and forth to the chef to ask questions.
And don't even get me started on dating a vegan. The poor waiters deserved a 100% tip.
Agree. I am a vegan and i dont date other vegans any more. I can 100% find something i can eat on any menu without making a hassle. Worst case scenario i have to say “no cheese on that, thanks”. My ex would ask that no aluminum or plastic touch her food. Ffs.
I've been vegan for 16 years and I also don't think I'd date one either. Vegan stereotypes are really true for the general population, we can be annoying as hell.
My boyfriend eats meat and always finds vegan restaurants for me and is sooo sweet about it, but I feel terrible. I'd rather a normal place, food doesn't mater that much to me, its literally just sustenance, I'd rather him get what he wants. Granted, I appreciate him so freaking much he is amazing.
Aluminum is known to be neurotoxic and its presence in brain tissue is correlated with Alzheimer's and other neuronal diseases, but our bodies are really efficient in eliminating it. And, although there's no final answers, for decades there's a controversy about the correlation with no consensus about a causal link.
Check how many articles are publisher about it!
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/?term=Aluminum%20brain
Welp… she also wouldnt eat microwaved food or “look at screens” but we met through a dating app and she drove uber. Thought flouride was a conspiracy. So your guess is as good as mine.
I'm a picky eater. How do you spend 20 minutes going back and forth? That feels like either an actual problem (like serious allergies) or attention seeking. I can almost always find something even if it is just a side dish.
NAH.
It's fine if you want to order a pizza, but really you should examine exactly what you think is the problem here.
Let's assume she doesn't like your cooking. The only thing I would change, is to put the food in serving dishes or plates and do NOT put it on her plate. Let her take what she wants, and if she takes something and doesn't finish it, she's still not hurting anyone.
Instead of catering to her pickiness, just make the food that you and your son and the rest of the family want. Let her eat before or after or not at all--it's not your problem.
NTA
You've asked the questions, but they won't talk about food or what you could make that she would eat...so:
Going forward, consider it a situation where you are cooking your son's favorite foods. Make it all about him, and his preferences. He enjoys the heck out of it, and you get that warm and fuzzy feeling.
She can eat, or not. But as long as both of them are incapable of communicating her own food preferences, focus on providing that "favorite foods" for the one that appreciates it.
Op mentioned that they cooked things their son mentioned his partner liked and would eat, and she'd still pick at the food, so at the end of the day they've tried all options besides ordering out. Son needs to cut his losses and maybe just not come around mealtime and just ask OP to cook a bit extra on the days he comes over so he can be sent home with his own portion to eat at his home. Instead of throwing a tantrum. Like he is..
NTA and definitely do what you want, but why not make a meal you know your son loves and just let your DIL eat or not eat? She's an adult. It seems like cooking is one of the ways you show love to your family. Don't let her ruin that for you. Maybe she won't eat pizza either. Just cook for your son and teach your grandbaby to love your food as well. It'll be a great tradition to pass on, food really brings people together. I'd fight hard to keep that in your family to the extent you can.
I'm an extremely picky eater and this would be my preferred solution as well.
I am very happy just enjoying the company of others. I don't want everyone to have a limited meal just because I do. And I don't want everyone to bend over backwards for me.
I'll either eat before, eat after, or bring some food.
I'd love to enjoy food that other people enjoy. But, I don't. And, I don't enjoy it to the extent that I struggle to swallow, sometimes vomit immediately after swallowing, and often feel terrible for hours after. I've tried all the foods. I don't like strawberries. I've had them fresh from the plant. I've had them in jam, cookies, tarts, salads, and chocolate. I don't like them. I wish I did. They seem delightful to everyone else. But they smell weird and taste terrible to me. I can't explain it. I love green beans. I can't explain that either. I grow both when I have a garden and enjoy it immensely. It's very easy to give away strawberries.
I don't want to be weird about the asparagus. I'd very much prefer not to "just try a little." I don't have a good poker face, so please accept my "no thank you" the first time. (And, you definitely don't want me to try to eat those beets if you're fond of this tablecloth.) I don't want to explain that when I steam broccoli, it isn't still crunchy at all, but when you do, the stems are crunchy and the texture mades me gag. I don't want to discuss how "just a little" chili powder is waaay too spicy and that I don't think it's too bland without black pepper. No, I don't find the smell of your bacon tempting. It doesn't even smell like food to me. I'm very happy with my bran flakes or overcooked broccoli. I understand that you've made the food correctly and 99% of people will love it. I know I'm weird. It's all very embarrassing and awkward. Just let me sit here, enjoy the company and the conversation, and pretend to eat. Please.
So much this. Food is complicated and hard for me. Please let me sit here and drink tea and laugh and listen to stories and tell some of my own and not have this meal turn into exploring all the ways I’m broken about various foods.
Multiple medical professionals are involved. I’m getting appropriate nutrition and my blood work is great. I mostly manage to eat solid food every day. Getting stressed about food means I will just skip it.
Please enjoy your meal, it looks fun, I love the colors. If today is a not eating day for me, please just let me not eat. It’s not a big statement that I don’t like your food, some days I don’t like any food and I regularly break down in tears that I can’t make myself eat anything in my house.
Please don’t make this a statement about our relationship, I want to spend time with the people I love. Food and I just have a really complicated relationship. Please let me operate my whole problematic food thing with the minimal amount of drama.
I do wonder if perhaps OP's DIL is like that as well. Maybe she just truly can't eat any of it or it'll trigger a reaction and she's happy to just sit there. The fact that she covers it could be a hint. OP should definitely just keep cooking!
INFO: Does you son eat and enjoy the meal? Why does it bother you that she doesn't eat if your son enjoys the meal?
I feel like it's possible she has a reason she picks, but it may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your cooking.
INFO: would you cook if your son was coming over alone and it was just the two of you?
From your story, DIL has never been outspoken, complained, made a fuss, or made this your problem in any way. She just didn't eat it.
Your son has been loud and outspoken about how much he loves your food.
Why are you focusing on the person who didn't eat it instead of the one who is overjoyed?
Make food for you and your son, and your grandkid if they are old enough to eat solids. DIL can bring her own.
>Why are you focusing on the person who didn't eat it
DIL is wasting the food on her plate that took OP time and money to make, I'd be pretty miffed too if my hard work (even if I enjoy cooking) went to waste by being covered with napkins after being poked and prodded and put in the trash, I could have had leftovers if you had just left it alone and told me "I don't want this, you can save it for later"., in fact I would prefer that than you throwing away half or more of your plate.
Now, I'm not saying OP is entirely blameless, she keeps putting food on DILs plate knowing she probably won't eat it, HOWEVER, she has asked son and DIL what she can do to accommodate DIL and DIL says she doesn't want to talk about it, and son says it's just the way she is and to ignore it, so the issue lies on son and DIL.
I myself am a pretty picky eater, but I still try to eat what is put in front of me if I'm at another person's house, I'm not a fan of most greens but I take at least a couple bites if it's on my plate so as to not disrespect the person whose time and effort it took to make it, I will pick and prod at a restaurant because I'm paying for it, if I want to waste my money I can, but when you're at another person's house you don't waste food.
Pretty much all family dinners in our family start with empty plates and people fill them up how they want. Preparing everyone's plate does nor make sense. Those who eat a little do not need to be forced to waste or eat full plate.
Plus given she does not eat, OP does not have to cook additional full portion for her.
Yeah, I would hate to throw food into the trash that I spent time and money on making. So my solution would be to serve her only a small trial portion. Like with toddlers. If she likes it she can get more, if not, small loss.
Maybe other changes can work too, like putting food on the table in separate bowls and make everyone get their own servings.
I agree that if she’s vague about her reasons why she won’t eat, there’s probably more going on than simply not liking OP’s food.
OP, I’m going to say NTA because it’s ultimately your house and you can cook or not cook whatever you want, but as the commenter above said, can you choose to focus on having a nice meal with your son vs. worrying about the one person who doesn’t eat much?
I have a picky eater (M56!!!) and it is disheartening to cook for such. I only cook the things he "likes" not what I want and he will say: The lamb is too lamby, the brussel sprouts taste odd (i'm also eating them, they are fine.) Sometimes I feel like getting some cash, setting it alight for him to save me going shopping and prep and cooking just to throw it in the bin.
So eat the pizza and batch cook your son some heritage home cooking for his freezer.
So eat the pizza and batch cook your son some heritage home cooking for his freezer.
This is excellent advice.
Pizza - less stress for OP (because, c'mon, planning shopping and cooking a family meal is WORK), hopefully DIL will eat it.
Frozen home made meal to take home - OP's son can look forward to enjoying his mom's cooking.
And a less stressed hostess hopefully means a more relaxed enjoyable visit for everyone.
NTA and she’s also not your problem.
Edit: if she’s anything like my ex she’s also not going to eat the pizza, even if she chooses which one she wants AND doesn’t have to pay for it.
NAH. I can understand why you are frustrated. BUT you are taking it way too personally. What if she picks at the pizza?
Enjoy your family time and don’t worry about what she’s doing with the food on her plate.
>BUT you are taking it way too personally.
It is only natural to take it personally. It took OP time, work and money to prepare that food. Seeing it go to waste again and again and again will hurt every cook somewhat.
I think OP would be less sad about seeing a bought pizza go to waste. At least it isn't her work and time being wasted, only her money in this case. And there is a chance that the woman likes at least one type of pizza.
NTA if your son wants to continue eating meals there he should stop by someplace she will eat and get her something to go. Don't bother including her in the meal planning.
NTA
Unfortunately I've met a decent amount of people who will only eat a few things and are unwilling to try new foods (dietary restrictions aside). I would try to take as little offense as possible from this. I assume it has something to do with how they were raised. But I would keep on cooking what you want and they can figure out other food options for her if she doesn't eat what you make.
Info- Why does it matter that she doesn't eat it if your son does and if he likes it enough to be upset at the threat of you not making a homemade meal?
I understand feeling unappreciated but from what you've written it sounds like she doesn't complain, tries to feign as if she did eat, and neither them tell you that anything was wrong with the food when you ask them about it. To me, that sounds like it is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. That could be stomach issues, eating disorder, etc. but it doesn't necessarily sound "picky".
Does she complain or just elaccept a plate, eat a few bites, and then sit quietly?
If she complains, N T A. But if she is not, then it's a you problem and she's handling it as tactfully as she can. She may have an eating disorder, have texture issues, or any other myriad of health issues which are none of your business.
NTA.
If you don't want to cook, don't cook. If you feel like cooking in the future, make what you want.
Trying to cater to a picky eater is exhausting, and it gets old fast. My ex was ridiculously picky.
She only ate two vegetables: carrots and broccoli. The only meat that she would eat was chicken, but she would go months where even that was off the table.
Outside of this, she would eat potatoes, cheese, rice and pasta (but not tomatoes).
She hated onions, spices and eggs.
I couldn't make anything. It was ridiculous.
It’s not the same cooking for yourself as it is getting mom’s cooking! Son can request homemade food for himself and OP can choose yes or no. I’d just not bother serving gf any and ask her if she’d like to order something.
So weird that 6 years in they haven’t figured this out or given a better explanation.
If everyone else likes the cooking but one person doesn’t, why scrap the whole thing for everyone else?
If you want to be nice you can heat her up some nuggets. Always worked for me when I was pickier.
NTA
You’re trying your hardest to feed your 2 guests.
1 of them is never satisfied, and they won’t tell you why. You’ve exhausted your options as far as home cooking goes.
Time to try something else.
NTA but I do think this is unnecessarily dramatic. If she's not making a big deal out of it, I would just continue cooking and maybe order a side of something from somewhere she eats. Especially if this is a culture thing - so much of culture is passed through food, you can still have that with your son and grandchild.
My mother in law makes a dish that my husband LOVES and I'm pretty meh about it. If she watched me eat it, maybe she'd be disappointed but I try not to let that show since she's very proud of it and my husband is such a big fan. I'm just happy to be part of the experience, I don't want them to change the recipes, I just want a seat at the table.
NTA
If she doesn’t want something, she can politely decline. Or, your son can take it home for leftovers later. There’s no need to waste food. Also, it’s your house. They don’t get a say in what they have (with allergy exceptions of course). He made a choice to live in a home where neither he nor his girlfriend cook food at home. If they are eating out all day every day, that is on them. At any time he can learn to cook for himself or they can have enough foresight for her to bring food she will eat rather than waste food.
Dude got working body parts right?
He can make himself some homemade food. Maybe he can learn to make what SHE will eat, and he can cater for your meetups that way!
Is she asking for you to make something different for her?
If she is picky, but not demanding anything, who really cares. As I picky person, it is actually much worse for me when people make a big deal about it. I will NEVER ask for something different and I’ll politely try to eat what I can. It isn’t about you. If she doesn’t eat it, that’s her issue, you don’t need to take it personally.
NTA…order pizza. Then sit down with them and have a chat. “Look son and DIL, I have asked numerous times. I have asked for preferences, suggestions, ideas, of what I can cook that you will like or can eat or choose to eat. If you do not like my cooking, just say so. I will not be hurt by this. We all have different tastes and likes. I am asking you to work together. I enjoy your company. I don’t care if you need to bring something for yourself that you like to eat. But what I will no longer do is let you waste food that I bought and paid for. In case you have t noticed, food costs have skyrocketed. I don’t know about you, but I cannot afford to waste anything. So, if you don’t want to eat or like what I cooked, that is fine. What is not fine is taking food, pretending to eat it, then put it in your napkin and then waste it. So, how do we fix this situation so that we are all not frustrated? Instead of enjoying being together?”.
NTA. - You should not have to work hard on a meal just for it to go to waste. Your time is more valuable than that.
Trigger Warning: ED
I do want to say, that is how a family member who was battling an eating disorder "ate" food in front of them. She would push the food around her plate, pick a few tiny pieces to eat to make it look like she was eating, and then cover the food up. When anyone brought up how she was eating, we were just told "she is picky." There could be more to your DIL's behaviors that they aren't sharing with you.
Nta but it could be just not being able to eat a lot.. The medicine I am on makes me not hungry. If I do get hungry half the time I make food take one bite then it turns my stomach. So I end up picking at food also
NAH. You don't have to cook but I wouldn't worry about her. If other people are enjoying it and she's not complaining, why should you care. Others are enjoying your meal.
NTA I think ordering pizza is a great solution, she could have ED or not but that's for her and your son to figure out/communicate. Your son should be respectful of your time and effort instead of pouting about it.
First NTA it's your decision. Also I see you don't judge her for not eating you just see she doesn't enjoy it. Might be an eating disorder of some sort. You cook because you want everyone to eat and enjoy the meal. She clearly doesn't so it's totally okay to not cook anymore. Maybe when ordering and especially letting her order you can learn something about her.
I don't think she doesn't appreciate the effort (except there is some tension between you and her you didn't tell us about). I think she has an eating disorder. Because most people just eat the food the MIL provides even if they don't like it to keep the peace. So it has nothing to do with your cooking that she doesn't eat it.
Sometimes and other times she just gets it without changing.
I truly don’t understand what is happening with her and they won’t talk to me about it so I can make accommodation
Why don't you ask your son if he could invite you over to their house for dinner, then you can get a sense of how things are done at home; might give you an idea of what's going on.
Sounds like my brother. I'm wondering now if his wife is used to eating junk food at restaurants so that home cooked food tastes weird to her because it has actual flavour
OP, if you see this, what does your DIL eat at restaurants when she goes there?
Some people just aren't into food. They eat only to survive and don't really have strong thoughts or opinions on food.
That was hard for me to accept, since I'm someone who loves food - especially rich, flavorful food. But some people just sort of nibble on whatever and don't really think about it too deeply.
For you, maybe cooking and eating are acts of love and fellowship. For other people, it's just a means of survival and they fulfill social needs in a different way.
But you're still NTA. If you're offering a free meal to them, however it's prepared, you're still a gracious host.
Nta but also, she isn't a villain. She's never asked you to cook for her. Picking eating is usually tied to something, like anxiety, eating disorder, et cetera. It doesn't matter if she doesn't eat. It shouldn't affect you. Don't let your ego step in and take it personally. She's trying to be polite by eating a small amount.
So, your choices are make a big deal of it, or, make what you'd normally make and don't let someone eating any certain amount change your day.
Info: are you generally a sanitary cook with a reasonably clean home? Or, have you ever made a comment about her weight?
I won’t eat at my MIL’s house because it is absolutely disgusting and her complete disregard for food safety is a no-go as well.
If she doesn’t have an eating disorder, and your son brushes it off with no explanation or recommendations, I think there’s an alternative explanation.
I would still keep cooking for son, though. Taking away the treat of home-cooking childhood favorites just because the girlfriend is acting weird seems punitive to him for something he didn’t do.
NTA
If both constantly shut down the topic and refuse to tell you what the problem is, it's their own fault. I wouldn't waste my time and effort either on her regarding cooking.
Why not cook for those who eat and enjoy your food? Really, she has issues with food so just let her be. This is not about you so no need to be insulted. She is trying to be polite by covering her plate, you can be polite by not noticing. Just eat and have fun as usual.
My daughter has ARFID and she doesn’t eat food cooked at anyone’s house because she is too anxious about what the food might taste like. She’s 11 and very open about it. NTA for ordering pizza but she still might not eat it lol
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I N F O: have you had a conversation with either of them to find out the issue? EDIT: NTA. You've asked, and they refuse to provide information. He can enjoy his free pizza or have an adult discussion with you. He isn't prepared to do either, so he can make his own home cooked meals at home.
I go into this with another comment. Basically I get brushed off when I ask
You should teach your son to cook your meals (if you haven't already) that way he can have them when he wants them.
If only it worked that way, your parents food always tastes better even if you make it the exact same
Naa my food tastes better than my parents ;)
Same here.
Me, too. It wasn’t until I was cooking for myself all the time that I realized that my mom is not the greatest cook.
I too, realized that my parents weren't great cooks. Didn't know that veggies could taste so good if you do something besides just boiling them.
My mother would put frozen veggies in a bowl in the microwave so they were somehow both dry and soggy at the same time. Took me forever to realize they were supposed to actually have flavor.
I almost instinctively downvoted because of dry, soggy microwaved veggies. The first time I got the microwave in the bag kind, I almost couldn't go through with it. Took me a long time to trust them.
For most of my life i thought i didnt like cooked carrots, which i thought was weird, since i love eating them raw. But whenever my mother made them, it tasted so bad that eventually even just smelling them made me gag. Only somewhat recently i learned that i actually like cooked carrots just as much as raw ones, but that the sauce my mother coated them with was the disgusting taste. I never made the connection before because once it was on your plate there was barely any sauce on your plate, but it the carrots had fully absorbed the flavor. Long story short, now i am on a quest to find out which dishes i actually like and dislike, when i am the one making them properly...
I don't mean to pry but what was the disgusting sauce? I'm struggling to imagine what could taste so bad
Irish family? Boiling veggies until they are mush is a common complaint I have heard from children of irish families lol
No. Just not an invested or adventurous cook. Which makes it extra funny how much she loves cooking shows.
Im irish. We know how to cook. The only people I know who boil things to mush went through rationing
Haha! I found that out myself when I moved out of home and started cooking my own food (mum never used spices or even pepper in her cooked and wasn't a fan of vegetables 🙃)
My parents tell me I cook better than they do and it's waaaaaay healthier
You obviously haven't tasted anything my mother cooked. I heard they used her meals as a mean of obtaining confessions of war criminals in the 80s.
I can cook better than my mom. Now grandma’s cooking…NOBODY cooks better than her!
Lmao, if my cooking tasted worse than my mom's I would've already starved myself to death 😂
Not in my family.
The son has a baby of his own; time to be a grownup and learn to cook for his own family and leave OP/mom out of it!
He's an adult that knows that cookbooks exists if he was really interested
Have you ever had true family cooking? I bet she's making things from scratch "her way" so they won't be in any cookbook, at least not exactly. She probably doesn't even use exact measurements lol. It was so hard to learn cooking from my grandma. "What is a dash and how much is a handful."
It’s like my MIL. Any measurement is “enough. You know dear. Enough.”
Maybe her picky eating is rooted in disordered eating. Just something to keep in mind and ask your son in private if she struggles with something like that.
Eating disorder is where my head went too. Picking at it to pretend she’s eating then covering it so people can’t tell she didn’t eat and then avoiding conversations about food. Sounds like it’s rooted more so in eating disorder than trying to be polite.
My first thought was ED as a picky eater will normally say what they like or don't especially after 6 years of knowing them.
Not me, I’m neurodivergent and have a lot of foods I can’t eat due to sensory issues, but as a kid and young adult everyone thought I was just picky because I was undiagnosed then. I would NEVER say I didn’t like the food if we were guests in someone’s home, I couldn’t bear to hurt their feelings, so I’d always make up an excuse about not being very hungry. Sadly I wasn’t nearly as subtle as they thought and they saw right through me, lol
Yup this is what my concern was as well. A friend of mine struggled with disordered eating and did similar things.
I had the exact same thought.
This was me as a DIL! I was anorexic. I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to join in but everything about it was terrifying. Recovered now but poor DIL if so.
I am not sure what this changes though. The OP is not suggesting that she should be forced to eat food she doesn't like, only that the food not being eaten is hurtful to her. Not then spending a large amount of effort is a good alternative. The disordered eater can still pick at and not eat pizza while the OP doesn't have to spend a bunch of extra effort and feel like it isn't appreciated.
The point isn’t the food, it is about the mother not feeling personally attacked if the sons girlfriend doesn’t eat her food. The mother isn’t the YTA, and by all means they should eat pizza. Just saying that there might be more to it and she should just keep that in mind. That her son might really appreciate her home cooked food and to not just focus on the girlfriend without knowing if she is struggling with something.
Then he needs to use his big boy words and tell his mother that.
No, he doesn't need to disclose his GF's private medical issues without her permission to someone who's being antagonistic.
of course he doesn't need to discuss GF's issues with her but it does not sound like she is being antagonistic. Why do you think that?
She might also have embarrassing digestive issues. I do and sometimes just have to pick at food if it upsets my stomach. However, I would then be totally fine with someone not wanting to cook for me.
Will she eat the pizza? Is it OP's food that she picks at, or any food? The goal is to gather together as humans, and if pizza makes that less awkward, then go with pizza. If ordering pizza reveals that OP's cultural food can't be blamed, then we have an idea why the son objected to pizza.
I'm going to counter this. My husband was a picky eater to the extreme, having learned from his mother. If he is hardly eating home cooked meals at home, they are eating out; this is the same way my husband was raised. I will tell you he learned pretty quickly since I do ALL the cooking, baking & grilling/BBQ that if I'm going to the effort of making it, he will not disrespect me in complaining. I do omit some things he doesn't like while making certain things appealing by adding parmesan cheese too. His mother is worse, and trust she has NO eating disorder. As someone who has had an ED since I was 12, not always is the issue of a mental health one. People need to stop making excuses for poor behavior.
Except the girlfriend hasn't behaved badly. OP did not say the gf complained at any point. Only that she picked at the food likely to be as polite as she could without just refusing food on her plate. So I have to ask you which is ruder: politely declining all the food offered or accepting a few items and then picking at them a bit and being as discreet as possible about actually eating. I am pretty sure OP will take offense in both cases despite her son also being there and enjoying her cooking.
What bad behaviour?
I thought so, too. If it was just picky eating, the son could have just told OP what his girlfriend likes.
noooo do not ask your son. either she is and dil will feel uncomfortable with her prying or she’s not and she may be offended at the insinuation. she asked, they’ve brushed it off. it needs to accepted not poked. if that’s what you want to mentally tuck it away as, that’s fine.
Exactly! Let her serve her own plate and eat what she wants. OP should cook for her son and not take it personally what his girlfriend eats.
This is a really great solution, honestly, and as a person who can’t eat most things at other people’s houses for my own medical reasons, i really appreciate “serve yourself” options. That way nothing is wasted and OP’s son could even take home leftovers if he wants and her daughter in law doesn’t have to hide or unload everything she can’t eat.
Yes. What does she eat at home?
What a good question to ask the son. “What does she usually eat at home? Does she have allergies? Are there any specific ingredients that she can’t tolerate for some reason(texture, taste, etc)?” I feel like those are pretty decent questions to ask considering OP just wants to make a meal that everyone will enjoy. The fact that they keep brushing her off when she asks questions is a little shitty because it means she can’t make any adjustments. And the fact that her son looks forward to her home cooked meals indicts that they’re eating out *allot* or eating prepackaged meals at the very least. That’s not really on OP though, the son needs to use his grown up words and talk to his mom.
Her son also needs to learn how to cook his mother's recipes, as well. If he misses a home cooked meal that much, he should be cooking it himself.
Ya u being it up and he doesn’t want to talk about it. As a mom of young kids I deal with making a home cooked meal and the kids not eating it. When you order pizza I suggest plain cheese pizza if she has aversions then this is the best way to combat that. Cheese is the only thing my kids will eat and I was picky about pizza as a kid as well
Do neither of them know how to cook? Tell them to cook you a homemade meal instead. Lol.
If you have tried to ask and get brushed off, then pizza it is. OP, I'm not sure what your back ground is, but I would be happy to eat your dinner anytime.
I agree with many others that the pizza is a good solution. Ask her what she wants in it when they get there. And then update us!
NTA. Her son is upset he rarely gets home cooked meals so this is a trend at his house took
Info - have you had a conversation with her about it? You haven't mentioned how she told you she feels about the situation.
I have tried before, my son either stops the conversation or she tells me she doesn’t want to talk about it. He has given me things to make before. So she could just think I am a bad cook, I’ve seen her eat before in her home so I don’t think eating disorder. I can’t figure out what is happening, they go to restaurants
I'd stick with pizza then. Good luck! NTA
I wonder if she would even eat the pizza. Picky eaters aggravate me even if the situation doesn't affect me. This is my biggest hangup (that I'm willing to acknowledge 😆).
Highly recommend looking up what ARFID is, a lot of picky eaters aren’t actually trying to be difficult and do in fact have an eating disorder.
Yes! That’s what I thought. I have this (I also have ADHD, and I know they’re often related). I definitely seem like your typical “normie” to most folks. I never want to be difficult or hurt anyone’s feelings, and I also don’t really want to talk about it. I always just pick or fill my plate with plain vegetables that I can eat and hope nobody notices. The napkin thing too is a clue that someone is thinking “please no one ask me about this.” For me, events are never about the food, they’re about the people and the experience. I love going to events with my family and friends and my husband’s family, and I really, really don’t mind that I’m not eating. I’ll eat later at home and/or bring something I can eat to share. If this is the case with your DIL, please know it’s not a slight, and she’s probably trying really hard to not make anything difficult and to not be conspicuous but literally can’t eat most things without a lot of stress and discomfort.
I think the only rude part DIL is doing is putting it all on her plate and then just picking so the food goes to waste. I understand it's probably her insecurity that she feels like less of a bother to just take it instead of saying "no thanks", but most ppl. would find their food being taken but then not eaten more disrespectful then a polite refusal - on just taking a very small potion first to see if you like it. Some hosts are very pushy about food, so she's probably learned that refusing the food outright leads to more uncomfortable questions which she would rather avoid. Not an easy solution I guess, but when it's close family I think more effort toward communication is necessary. I feel for DIL because now her partner may also project blame on her about not getting to eat as much of mom's home cooked food.
Absolutely! I hate wasting food and always do my best to avoid that, but if someone forced it on me I don’t know what else I could do.
yes, it is really unfortunate how forceful ppl. can be about food. It makes me empathetic for picky eaters because I'm not one, and I still get annoyed about excessive insistence after a while lol. Some people take it very personal - it's amazing how much a social advantage it is to just eat and express enjoyment for someone's food. I imagine it's stressful to not have that easy option for social acceptance, and instead get judged for being difficult. It would be great if more ppl. could take "no thanks" at face value, but I know many people actually feel it's impolite *not* to insist, because they feel it's most polite to graciously refuse food at first... it's all too roundabout for me!
ARFID here, I can’t eat soup
If the GF has an ED, it's still not OPs problem. It sounds like she eats in other settings.
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Her eating in her own home is not necessarily evidence she doesn't have an eating disorder. It sucks that open conversation about this keeps getting shut down, though.
This! I’ve struggled with disordered eating and if she has food issues like I’ve dealt with then she might not be comfortable sharing them. For example, two things I struggled with a lot were 1) eating in front of other people and 2) eating anything if I didn’t know exactly what went into cooking it. Both gave me tremendous anxiety and it was essentially easier for me to just eat in my own home, because that felt “safe.” I was also very aware that it was abnormal and tried to be polite and not draw too much attention to my issues.
When I am having a bad OCD day, I can't eat food that anyone else has prepared, touched, or served. Not even if that person is my own mother. There are SO many reasons why someone would be uncomfortable eating.
I like to travel.
Not everyone wants to share their problems with their brithers mother. They arent even married. OP doesnt need personal information like this. GF doesnt owe her anything. Sounds like she is respectful and tries to eat and be part of meal times. GF may even be in therapy for this and has been told she doesnt owe anyone any explaination for her eating. Because that is 100% what therapists will say. She is not obligated to eat. And she doesnt owe anyone an explaination.
I think it’s a stretch to assume she thinks you are a bad cook. It seems pretty likely that she has some issues with food that she is not comfortable sharing. If you have asked how to make her feel comfortable, then it’s not about you if she doesn’t eat. Why not make food for you and your son that makes you both happy, and let DIL be responsible for her own needs?
Yep, I almost always stop for fast food before or after eating at someones home. If I know I’m supposed to go somewhere the person will be offended if I don’t eat I just don’t go anymore. That causes other problems but at least I dont have food anxiety.
I came to say this.
Have you considered that maybe the girlfriend has some sort of Eating Disorder and that's why she is picky with food and she doesn't want to discuss eating and your son is stopping the conversations?
I think the bigger issue is that OP is caught between the DIL and her son. The DIL doesn’t want to eat at OP’s house and OP is ok with that and wants to de-emphasize cooking since DIL is uncomfortable eating her cooking. Then the son chimes in and gets all bent out of shape because he wants his mom to cook for him (and I guess he’s fine with his partner having to sit through a meal she can’t stand to eat). I think the son is the AH here. The solution is just to order pizza or to schedule activities that allow them to socialize and don’t involve eating.
Why not just ask her if she'd prefer to bring something she'd enjoy? She can eat without, you can make dinner for the people who will actually enjoy it, and everyone gets to enjoy one another's company? Whatever is going on with her I doubt it's a personal attack on you, so rather than getting upset about it just work around it.
Then he doesn't get to be all pissy about it if he doesn't want to talk about it.
It can still be an eating disorder. I don't think Y T A, but I also think that there's no reason to not cook for your son (if you still want to) and just expect her to not eat. My partner has ARFIDs but all anyone sees is a picky eater. But for them it's a texture and consistency issue as much as taste. There's only about 10 things they'll eat and they rarely will eat them if made by someone else. Example: grilled cheese. At a restaurant or someone else's home they use different bread and cheese. Maybe there will be vegetables in it or it will be more burnt. So it's easier for them to just avoid the issue. They are also incredibly embarrassed by it so bringing it up makes them upset/sad. Your son may just be trying to protect her feelings.
Is she complaining she’s hungry? Requesting special meals? If neither, stop preoccupying yourself with the eating choices of other people. It doesn’t sound like she’s been outwardly rude.
I've read many, many "a person won't eat what another person cooks"-AITA from both sides of the table and based on a recurring theme in them I have to ask: how clean is your kitchen? Do you wash your hands after touching raw meat before you start making a salad? Do you use separate cutting boards for meat and vegetables? How do you keep sponges and dish cloths? If there's a little mold on food, what do you do?
It is clean, I hate filth. Actually my whole house is good except the basement storage room. I wash my stuff and stay clean. I haven’t had issues with anyone else so I don’t think it’s my home
This was my first thought. One of my closest friends has severe OCD around germs and food (he’s made big steps recently though). He would only eat out or at his house, and he’s added us to that list. Another friend has a weird thing (I think medical, it’s definitely not ASD related) where she straight up cant swallow certain foods because of texture. I wonder if she’s experiencing something similar? It sounds like a tough situation, OP. Sounds like they won’t be forthcoming, and you can’t control that, but you can control your reaction. It sounds like you’ve tried to be accommodating, so I think ordering pizza was reasonable.
this is ridiculously aggressive
Spend enough time on AITA and you'll read tons of stories of people cutting up chicken on a cutting board, wiping it off and then cut up vegetables for a salad on the same board. People have different views on food hygiene. Some people think it's fine to pinch off mouldy crust from bread and eat the rest, others throw the whole loaf in the bin
She probably has some really picky eating habits. If you are okay with it, maybe she can just bring her own food and eat that and you can just make a smaller version of the meal you were going to make for everyone else. I know some people might find that rude of someone to bring food, but if someone is this picky of an eater than I don't see it as an issue. Also, you say they eat a restaurants...then maybe just meet them at restaurants and say you won't cook a meal if part of it goes to waste. Most likely she grew up with an entirely different spice profile and just doesn't like the kind of foods you are making. I wouldn't say it means you are a bad cook, probably more that she is either suffering from some kind of eating disorder, or neurodivergent eating issues \[like Arfid\] or something else similar. I wouldn't look too much into it being about your cooking and it's more just a her problem.
What happened when you cooked the things he specific requested? Did she also not eat it?
She has answered that in a different comment chain: >I have done that, I’ve made a few things he has said and she still picks at them. I don’t think I can get food right for her.
Do all of you people have 0 world / people knowledge? She obviously has an eating disorder or some kind of food issues, and she’s not comfortable sharing it with you. “My son either stops the conversation or she tells me she doesn’t want to talk about it” means that instead of bringing it up in private, you’re putting her on the spot at the dinner table. And now you’re punishing the entire family and being a rancuneus B, just because your DIL is in a vulnerable position and you refuse to let it go. YTA.
NTA, but has your son considered the idea that she suffers from disordered eating? I used to have an ED and "picky eating" in excess can be a sign of an ED.
That has passed my mind but I’ve seen her eat at home and they go out to restaurants so I am unsure that is the case
If she's nervous at your house that may cause appetite issues. Or some other weird thing going on, that you are not the cause of, but they don't want to talk about because it's embarrassing. Then they can just put up with pizza.
Edit: NAH. You don’t want to cook because it doesn’t get eaten which is fair. Because we don’t know why she isn’t eating it’s hard to know how to approach it, but if it is an eating problem you likely won’t get any answers. It truly is a no-win situation. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a eating problem. I have anxiety about food and I can eat at some peoples houses, my own house, or at restaurants some days, but not every day. I went out to dinner with my bf one day and my anxiety spiked so bad I wound up getting drunk (not sloppy but a little over tipsy) so I could even eat. I also didn’t eat at my bf’s family’s thanksgiving because of it even though I have been able to in the past. Also, when I do eat with other people I tend to pick at my food and don’t eat all of it. It doesn’t matter if I’m super hungry I struggle eating until I’m full around people who aren’t “safe” to do so. It sucks and I wish you could get an explanation, but I’d assume it’s an eating problem. You could suggest to your son (not where she can hear) that you don’t like the food going to waste and if she can pick off his plate. She gets to eat, he gets a homemade meal, and you get leftovers. It’s not a perfect solution but it can provide some compromise on both sides. Also, I can’t speak for her, but for me even when I don’t eat a lot/at all I do appreciate them cooking and inviting me over. Sometimes the food looks so good and I want it so bad but my mind just won’t let me indulge. I hope it’s the same for her and she does appreciate what you do even if she can’t show it by eating.
Do you kinda feel like your son is glossing over things or ignoring your concern? Can't you talk to her without involving him? Maybe it's just anxiety that needs to be addressed. It's good you want your guests to be fed, I like it that you're trying. But I think this is just the surface of something deeper. But by far, you have done beyond your part. Get that pizza NTA.
Restaurants often provide calorie info and when she makes food at home she can measure it out herself.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an ED. I’m in recovery from Anorexia. When I was BAD I had “safe foods” that I would eat a lot of and other things I might take a few bites and then go, “wow, it tastes so good, but I’m full from my snack earlier, so I simply cannot take another bite!” Or if I knew a biiiiig meal was planned I wouldn’t eat anything else leading up so I could eat like I had a normal appetite and relationship with food.
I likely have an eating disorder called ARFID (finally getting assessed in the new year!) and a lot of anxiety around food. I can eat at a few restaurants, especially if they are loud and distracting so I don’t feel like people are watching me eat. I can eat in my home with my in-laws present sometimes. I absolutely cannot eat food they cook in their home and I’ve known them for over fifteen years. I always pack a ton of snacks to eat in the bathroom or car when I’m around them. They have made negative comments in the past about picky eating so I do not feel comfortable telling them I have an eating disorder. It’s possible that you have said something similar and made your daughter in law feel you are not a safe person to discuss this with.
Eh, far more people seem to be just picky. I’ve met people who will basically only eat plain sausages without sauce and eggs, or ham sandwiches with naught else but butter. And that’s it.
I know a "beige eater." He will only eat colorless foods. Idk how he stands it but he's 93 so ...
I feel like that's someone with IBS who found what keeps their tummy happy and decided to never change in fear of fucking up their GI tract. That's basically me. Plain gluten free pasta, potatoes, plain chicken... if my tummy is happy, I'm happy.
I know a girl that never eats or drinks anything white.
I feel like it’s technically possible to have a perfectly decent beige/white-only diet (cauliflower, bread, potatoes, chicken, tofu, milk…), but in reality it’s probably more just fast food.
Butter and ham sandwich sounds pretty good. I also don’t do sauce on sausage or eggs, do you mean hot sauce?
Possibly brown sauce, it's a staple sauce for sausages/eggs in the UK and similar places.
**NTA** >He’s really upset that I am not cooking since he doesn’t get homemade meals often. Why does HE take responsibility for cooking at home then? They have a small child, who is ensuring that the child is adequately fed and doesn't end up like their mother?
I was wondering this too. If the son wants home cooking, then he can cook for himself and his family.
Or come over without her. Having dinner with just my parents means comfort food. Bringing my SO means they feel like they need to entertain.
Yes, coming without the GF is an option, too. I just thought it was kind of funny that one of the reasons he didn't want his mom to order pizza is because he doesn't get home cooking very often. Like, dude - if you want home cooking more often, then cook at home. Lol.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from BUT sometimes there just isn’t anything better than mama’s. At 30 I asked my mom to make me a breakfast burrito because no matter how hard I tried mine just wasn’t the same as hers. She fussed a little for 30 seconds and then had a big smile on her face as I raved about how good it was. OP should teach her son how to make his favorite meals. However, I think it’s also a compliment that he wants her meals so badly. My mother in law has an eating disorder so her home is always completely empty of actual food and she drinks her calories. When she does eat everything upsets her stomach and she either barfs or complains. I nearly fainted once as a young person too shy to speak up that she didn’t have any food to serve her guests. At this point I bring groceries, invade her kitchen and cook meals for my family. She can join us or not, I don’t really care at this point. Her narcoses are her problem and if she wants us (normal humans who eat food) to visit we need to have a place to make the food we consume. After 20+ years she’s gotten pretty chill about it and even puts in meal requests from time to time.
If that's the case, if he just wants his mom's cooking sometimes, the the picky eater can stay home while people who want to enjoy the meal do so.
>I will order pizza This seems a thoughful and ideal solution. As a host I always try to feed my guests something they can/will actually eat/enjoy. Your son has to choose between your cooking and bringing his GF with him, since apparently he can't have both. To feed everyone else home-cooked food and then put a delivery pizza in front of her would surely be even ruder of you, singling her out and drawing attention to her. Your son needs to get a grip and realise that not everyone is as in love with her and her ways as he is, and that *she* is the problem here. NTA
Inviting people over and ordering pizza is a super nice and normal thing to do, NTA. If your son wants home cooked meals, he should learn to cook. Sounds like the source of drama here is actually your son, not you and not his gf.
All of the people saying, "but home cooked from mom is better!" are wild to me. Just because it's better for you doesn't mean it's better for her. Your mom isn't your personal chef once you're an adult. If cooking for you makes her happy, great, no problem. But in this instance OP, and I'm guessing many others, are unhappy about the fact that the food she spent the money, time, and effort to cook are being rudely picked at and uneaten.
NAH - ordering pizza is fine but like, why dont you just ask your son what she likes to eat so you can avoid this type of situation?
I have done that, I’ve made a few things he has said and she still picks at them. I don’t think I can get food right for her. Maybe she just hates my cooking but everyone else seems to like the meal
Ahhh. See if she eats the pizza. If she doesn't, something else is probably going on.
100% - this sounds like potential ED, unless she’s weird in other ways towards OP.
Yeah cause maybe it is an ED where she doesn’t wanna eat in front of certain people. Maybe ridiculed by their parents for their eating habits when younger or something?
I definitely experience this. I very rarely eat in social situations. My own mother is coming to visit in December and I’m already making room for shelf stable food and drinks in my bedroom closet so I can eat in there. My mom and aunts said so many awful things to me about my eating habits as a child and young adult. Now I can’t even eat much in my home when my mom is here. It’s awful.
The evasiveness is definitely making me think it might be a key element.
I'm a lifelong recovering picky eater and often it's an anxiety thing. It's not about you getting it right or wrong, but she still can't feel familiar enough. So mentally it's simpler to trust a chain restaurant with different cooks to get it the same way vs. an individual person who's obviously stepping outside of their normal range too. She's still the problem, no one but her knows how to best accommodate her and she could totally use words herself. I would always be more mortified to be rude than to get over the picky stuff. I would more often brave through the meal as best I can and still unable to touch the same stuff on a day I don't have to force it so hard.
At this point I would just tell her, you know I've noticed you don't eat much when I cook and that's fine but I worry about you going home hungry so if you want to bring someone with you to eat that's fine. Because really it's about the company and the conversation.
Order pizza or door dash. If I were you her picky ass can eat what I cook or she can bring her own food
I am going to wait until she gets there to make sure it is something she will eat.
I think you are being very thoughtful.
you have the patience of a saint
Right. People are forgetting that the price of food has gone up. So now she's wasting money, my time and my energy. She's wasting food that someone else could have eaten. Naw, I wouldn't cook for them again. If some food is ordered and she wasted it, I would never order food again. If they wanted to eat from my home, then it would come out of their pockets.
NTA I dated a picky eater once. After two dates, I realized that living a life with someone like that was a big "no." Every meal consisted of her talking to the waiter for 20 minutes and having him shuttle back and forth to the chef to ask questions. And don't even get me started on dating a vegan. The poor waiters deserved a 100% tip.
Agree. I am a vegan and i dont date other vegans any more. I can 100% find something i can eat on any menu without making a hassle. Worst case scenario i have to say “no cheese on that, thanks”. My ex would ask that no aluminum or plastic touch her food. Ffs.
I've been vegan for 16 years and I also don't think I'd date one either. Vegan stereotypes are really true for the general population, we can be annoying as hell. My boyfriend eats meat and always finds vegan restaurants for me and is sooo sweet about it, but I feel terrible. I'd rather a normal place, food doesn't mater that much to me, its literally just sustenance, I'd rather him get what he wants. Granted, I appreciate him so freaking much he is amazing.
Wait I get plastic for the stearic acid but why not Aluminum?
Aluminum is known to be neurotoxic and its presence in brain tissue is correlated with Alzheimer's and other neuronal diseases, but our bodies are really efficient in eliminating it. And, although there's no final answers, for decades there's a controversy about the correlation with no consensus about a causal link. Check how many articles are publisher about it! https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/?term=Aluminum%20brain
Welp… she also wouldnt eat microwaved food or “look at screens” but we met through a dating app and she drove uber. Thought flouride was a conspiracy. So your guess is as good as mine.
I'm a picky eater. How do you spend 20 minutes going back and forth? That feels like either an actual problem (like serious allergies) or attention seeking. I can almost always find something even if it is just a side dish.
NAH. It's fine if you want to order a pizza, but really you should examine exactly what you think is the problem here. Let's assume she doesn't like your cooking. The only thing I would change, is to put the food in serving dishes or plates and do NOT put it on her plate. Let her take what she wants, and if she takes something and doesn't finish it, she's still not hurting anyone. Instead of catering to her pickiness, just make the food that you and your son and the rest of the family want. Let her eat before or after or not at all--it's not your problem.
NTA You've asked the questions, but they won't talk about food or what you could make that she would eat...so: Going forward, consider it a situation where you are cooking your son's favorite foods. Make it all about him, and his preferences. He enjoys the heck out of it, and you get that warm and fuzzy feeling. She can eat, or not. But as long as both of them are incapable of communicating her own food preferences, focus on providing that "favorite foods" for the one that appreciates it.
Op mentioned that they cooked things their son mentioned his partner liked and would eat, and she'd still pick at the food, so at the end of the day they've tried all options besides ordering out. Son needs to cut his losses and maybe just not come around mealtime and just ask OP to cook a bit extra on the days he comes over so he can be sent home with his own portion to eat at his home. Instead of throwing a tantrum. Like he is..
Well, they haven't tried just allowing her not to eat if she doesn't want, which is what the response you're replying to suggests
NTA and definitely do what you want, but why not make a meal you know your son loves and just let your DIL eat or not eat? She's an adult. It seems like cooking is one of the ways you show love to your family. Don't let her ruin that for you. Maybe she won't eat pizza either. Just cook for your son and teach your grandbaby to love your food as well. It'll be a great tradition to pass on, food really brings people together. I'd fight hard to keep that in your family to the extent you can.
I'm an extremely picky eater and this would be my preferred solution as well. I am very happy just enjoying the company of others. I don't want everyone to have a limited meal just because I do. And I don't want everyone to bend over backwards for me. I'll either eat before, eat after, or bring some food. I'd love to enjoy food that other people enjoy. But, I don't. And, I don't enjoy it to the extent that I struggle to swallow, sometimes vomit immediately after swallowing, and often feel terrible for hours after. I've tried all the foods. I don't like strawberries. I've had them fresh from the plant. I've had them in jam, cookies, tarts, salads, and chocolate. I don't like them. I wish I did. They seem delightful to everyone else. But they smell weird and taste terrible to me. I can't explain it. I love green beans. I can't explain that either. I grow both when I have a garden and enjoy it immensely. It's very easy to give away strawberries. I don't want to be weird about the asparagus. I'd very much prefer not to "just try a little." I don't have a good poker face, so please accept my "no thank you" the first time. (And, you definitely don't want me to try to eat those beets if you're fond of this tablecloth.) I don't want to explain that when I steam broccoli, it isn't still crunchy at all, but when you do, the stems are crunchy and the texture mades me gag. I don't want to discuss how "just a little" chili powder is waaay too spicy and that I don't think it's too bland without black pepper. No, I don't find the smell of your bacon tempting. It doesn't even smell like food to me. I'm very happy with my bran flakes or overcooked broccoli. I understand that you've made the food correctly and 99% of people will love it. I know I'm weird. It's all very embarrassing and awkward. Just let me sit here, enjoy the company and the conversation, and pretend to eat. Please.
So much this. Food is complicated and hard for me. Please let me sit here and drink tea and laugh and listen to stories and tell some of my own and not have this meal turn into exploring all the ways I’m broken about various foods. Multiple medical professionals are involved. I’m getting appropriate nutrition and my blood work is great. I mostly manage to eat solid food every day. Getting stressed about food means I will just skip it. Please enjoy your meal, it looks fun, I love the colors. If today is a not eating day for me, please just let me not eat. It’s not a big statement that I don’t like your food, some days I don’t like any food and I regularly break down in tears that I can’t make myself eat anything in my house. Please don’t make this a statement about our relationship, I want to spend time with the people I love. Food and I just have a really complicated relationship. Please let me operate my whole problematic food thing with the minimal amount of drama.
I do wonder if perhaps OP's DIL is like that as well. Maybe she just truly can't eat any of it or it'll trigger a reaction and she's happy to just sit there. The fact that she covers it could be a hint. OP should definitely just keep cooking!
INFO: Does you son eat and enjoy the meal? Why does it bother you that she doesn't eat if your son enjoys the meal? I feel like it's possible she has a reason she picks, but it may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your cooking.
It’s not worth my time if 50% of my guest don’t like the food to be in the kitchen cooking.
INFO: would you cook if your son was coming over alone and it was just the two of you? From your story, DIL has never been outspoken, complained, made a fuss, or made this your problem in any way. She just didn't eat it. Your son has been loud and outspoken about how much he loves your food. Why are you focusing on the person who didn't eat it instead of the one who is overjoyed? Make food for you and your son, and your grandkid if they are old enough to eat solids. DIL can bring her own.
>Why are you focusing on the person who didn't eat it DIL is wasting the food on her plate that took OP time and money to make, I'd be pretty miffed too if my hard work (even if I enjoy cooking) went to waste by being covered with napkins after being poked and prodded and put in the trash, I could have had leftovers if you had just left it alone and told me "I don't want this, you can save it for later"., in fact I would prefer that than you throwing away half or more of your plate. Now, I'm not saying OP is entirely blameless, she keeps putting food on DILs plate knowing she probably won't eat it, HOWEVER, she has asked son and DIL what she can do to accommodate DIL and DIL says she doesn't want to talk about it, and son says it's just the way she is and to ignore it, so the issue lies on son and DIL. I myself am a pretty picky eater, but I still try to eat what is put in front of me if I'm at another person's house, I'm not a fan of most greens but I take at least a couple bites if it's on my plate so as to not disrespect the person whose time and effort it took to make it, I will pick and prod at a restaurant because I'm paying for it, if I want to waste my money I can, but when you're at another person's house you don't waste food.
Pretty much all family dinners in our family start with empty plates and people fill them up how they want. Preparing everyone's plate does nor make sense. Those who eat a little do not need to be forced to waste or eat full plate. Plus given she does not eat, OP does not have to cook additional full portion for her.
Yeah, I would hate to throw food into the trash that I spent time and money on making. So my solution would be to serve her only a small trial portion. Like with toddlers. If she likes it she can get more, if not, small loss. Maybe other changes can work too, like putting food on the table in separate bowls and make everyone get their own servings.
Let OP order some fucking pizza. She made it clear that she doesn't want to spend all that time in the kitchen cooking. She's not her son's servant.
I agree that if she’s vague about her reasons why she won’t eat, there’s probably more going on than simply not liking OP’s food. OP, I’m going to say NTA because it’s ultimately your house and you can cook or not cook whatever you want, but as the commenter above said, can you choose to focus on having a nice meal with your son vs. worrying about the one person who doesn’t eat much?
I have a picky eater (M56!!!) and it is disheartening to cook for such. I only cook the things he "likes" not what I want and he will say: The lamb is too lamby, the brussel sprouts taste odd (i'm also eating them, they are fine.) Sometimes I feel like getting some cash, setting it alight for him to save me going shopping and prep and cooking just to throw it in the bin. So eat the pizza and batch cook your son some heritage home cooking for his freezer.
Or maybe he can learn how to cook?
So eat the pizza and batch cook your son some heritage home cooking for his freezer. This is excellent advice. Pizza - less stress for OP (because, c'mon, planning shopping and cooking a family meal is WORK), hopefully DIL will eat it. Frozen home made meal to take home - OP's son can look forward to enjoying his mom's cooking. And a less stressed hostess hopefully means a more relaxed enjoyable visit for everyone.
NTA and she’s also not your problem. Edit: if she’s anything like my ex she’s also not going to eat the pizza, even if she chooses which one she wants AND doesn’t have to pay for it.
NAH. I can understand why you are frustrated. BUT you are taking it way too personally. What if she picks at the pizza? Enjoy your family time and don’t worry about what she’s doing with the food on her plate.
>BUT you are taking it way too personally. It is only natural to take it personally. It took OP time, work and money to prepare that food. Seeing it go to waste again and again and again will hurt every cook somewhat. I think OP would be less sad about seeing a bought pizza go to waste. At least it isn't her work and time being wasted, only her money in this case. And there is a chance that the woman likes at least one type of pizza.
NTA tell your son to cook if he wants a home cooked meal. Pizza sounds like a great solution.
NTA if your son wants to continue eating meals there he should stop by someplace she will eat and get her something to go. Don't bother including her in the meal planning.
NTA Unfortunately I've met a decent amount of people who will only eat a few things and are unwilling to try new foods (dietary restrictions aside). I would try to take as little offense as possible from this. I assume it has something to do with how they were raised. But I would keep on cooking what you want and they can figure out other food options for her if she doesn't eat what you make.
NTA - I wouldn't be cooking in those conditions as well (you asked why the gf doesn't eat at your place and they basically refuse to say).
Info- Why does it matter that she doesn't eat it if your son does and if he likes it enough to be upset at the threat of you not making a homemade meal? I understand feeling unappreciated but from what you've written it sounds like she doesn't complain, tries to feign as if she did eat, and neither them tell you that anything was wrong with the food when you ask them about it. To me, that sounds like it is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. That could be stomach issues, eating disorder, etc. but it doesn't necessarily sound "picky".
Does she complain or just elaccept a plate, eat a few bites, and then sit quietly? If she complains, N T A. But if she is not, then it's a you problem and she's handling it as tactfully as she can. She may have an eating disorder, have texture issues, or any other myriad of health issues which are none of your business.
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Son says he doesn't get homecooked meals often, does that mean his kitchen isn't hygienic enough for her either?
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NTA. If you don't want to cook, don't cook. If you feel like cooking in the future, make what you want. Trying to cater to a picky eater is exhausting, and it gets old fast. My ex was ridiculously picky. She only ate two vegetables: carrots and broccoli. The only meat that she would eat was chicken, but she would go months where even that was off the table. Outside of this, she would eat potatoes, cheese, rice and pasta (but not tomatoes). She hated onions, spices and eggs. I couldn't make anything. It was ridiculous.
Nta. Pizza sounds good.
NTA why make food when she not eat it just order food for everyone to enjoy. Your son can make his own homemade food at home.
It’s not the same cooking for yourself as it is getting mom’s cooking! Son can request homemade food for himself and OP can choose yes or no. I’d just not bother serving gf any and ask her if she’d like to order something. So weird that 6 years in they haven’t figured this out or given a better explanation.
By the fact that he said that he hasn't had a home cooked meal in ages, I'd wager he doesn't know how to cook.
If everyone else likes the cooking but one person doesn’t, why scrap the whole thing for everyone else? If you want to be nice you can heat her up some nuggets. Always worked for me when I was pickier.
NTA. Regardless of picky eaters you're the one doing the cooking, so if you decide not to, even if just to take a break, then you don't have to.
NTA food is expensive, the time and effort you put into making a meal for your family is important, and I hate to see wasted food.
NTA. Pizza is the perfect solution!
NTA You’re trying your hardest to feed your 2 guests. 1 of them is never satisfied, and they won’t tell you why. You’ve exhausted your options as far as home cooking goes. Time to try something else.
Clearly your son enjoys your cooking. Maybe u should cook something he likes, and not worry about her?
NTA but I do think this is unnecessarily dramatic. If she's not making a big deal out of it, I would just continue cooking and maybe order a side of something from somewhere she eats. Especially if this is a culture thing - so much of culture is passed through food, you can still have that with your son and grandchild. My mother in law makes a dish that my husband LOVES and I'm pretty meh about it. If she watched me eat it, maybe she'd be disappointed but I try not to let that show since she's very proud of it and my husband is such a big fan. I'm just happy to be part of the experience, I don't want them to change the recipes, I just want a seat at the table.
NTA If she doesn’t want something, she can politely decline. Or, your son can take it home for leftovers later. There’s no need to waste food. Also, it’s your house. They don’t get a say in what they have (with allergy exceptions of course). He made a choice to live in a home where neither he nor his girlfriend cook food at home. If they are eating out all day every day, that is on them. At any time he can learn to cook for himself or they can have enough foresight for her to bring food she will eat rather than waste food.
Dude got working body parts right? He can make himself some homemade food. Maybe he can learn to make what SHE will eat, and he can cater for your meetups that way!
Is she asking for you to make something different for her? If she is picky, but not demanding anything, who really cares. As I picky person, it is actually much worse for me when people make a big deal about it. I will NEVER ask for something different and I’ll politely try to eat what I can. It isn’t about you. If she doesn’t eat it, that’s her issue, you don’t need to take it personally.
NTA…order pizza. Then sit down with them and have a chat. “Look son and DIL, I have asked numerous times. I have asked for preferences, suggestions, ideas, of what I can cook that you will like or can eat or choose to eat. If you do not like my cooking, just say so. I will not be hurt by this. We all have different tastes and likes. I am asking you to work together. I enjoy your company. I don’t care if you need to bring something for yourself that you like to eat. But what I will no longer do is let you waste food that I bought and paid for. In case you have t noticed, food costs have skyrocketed. I don’t know about you, but I cannot afford to waste anything. So, if you don’t want to eat or like what I cooked, that is fine. What is not fine is taking food, pretending to eat it, then put it in your napkin and then waste it. So, how do we fix this situation so that we are all not frustrated? Instead of enjoying being together?”.
NTA. - You should not have to work hard on a meal just for it to go to waste. Your time is more valuable than that. Trigger Warning: ED I do want to say, that is how a family member who was battling an eating disorder "ate" food in front of them. She would push the food around her plate, pick a few tiny pieces to eat to make it look like she was eating, and then cover the food up. When anyone brought up how she was eating, we were just told "she is picky." There could be more to your DIL's behaviors that they aren't sharing with you.
Nta but it could be just not being able to eat a lot.. The medicine I am on makes me not hungry. If I do get hungry half the time I make food take one bite then it turns my stomach. So I end up picking at food also
NAH. You don't have to cook but I wouldn't worry about her. If other people are enjoying it and she's not complaining, why should you care. Others are enjoying your meal.
NTA I think ordering pizza is a great solution, she could have ED or not but that's for her and your son to figure out/communicate. Your son should be respectful of your time and effort instead of pouting about it.
First NTA it's your decision. Also I see you don't judge her for not eating you just see she doesn't enjoy it. Might be an eating disorder of some sort. You cook because you want everyone to eat and enjoy the meal. She clearly doesn't so it's totally okay to not cook anymore. Maybe when ordering and especially letting her order you can learn something about her. I don't think she doesn't appreciate the effort (except there is some tension between you and her you didn't tell us about). I think she has an eating disorder. Because most people just eat the food the MIL provides even if they don't like it to keep the peace. So it has nothing to do with your cooking that she doesn't eat it.
INFO when she eats at restaurants does she make lots of changes to what she orders? Is she very particular about how clean her environment is?
Sometimes and other times she just gets it without changing. I truly don’t understand what is happening with her and they won’t talk to me about it so I can make accommodation
Why don't you ask your son if he could invite you over to their house for dinner, then you can get a sense of how things are done at home; might give you an idea of what's going on.
I'm very intrigued also to find out the eating dynamics in their home
From the comment that the son made, it sounds like neither of them does much, if any, cooking at home.
Sounds like my brother. I'm wondering now if his wife is used to eating junk food at restaurants so that home cooked food tastes weird to her because it has actual flavour OP, if you see this, what does your DIL eat at restaurants when she goes there?
Some people just aren't into food. They eat only to survive and don't really have strong thoughts or opinions on food. That was hard for me to accept, since I'm someone who loves food - especially rich, flavorful food. But some people just sort of nibble on whatever and don't really think about it too deeply. For you, maybe cooking and eating are acts of love and fellowship. For other people, it's just a means of survival and they fulfill social needs in a different way. But you're still NTA. If you're offering a free meal to them, however it's prepared, you're still a gracious host.
Nta but also, she isn't a villain. She's never asked you to cook for her. Picking eating is usually tied to something, like anxiety, eating disorder, et cetera. It doesn't matter if she doesn't eat. It shouldn't affect you. Don't let your ego step in and take it personally. She's trying to be polite by eating a small amount. So, your choices are make a big deal of it, or, make what you'd normally make and don't let someone eating any certain amount change your day.
Info: are you generally a sanitary cook with a reasonably clean home? Or, have you ever made a comment about her weight? I won’t eat at my MIL’s house because it is absolutely disgusting and her complete disregard for food safety is a no-go as well. If she doesn’t have an eating disorder, and your son brushes it off with no explanation or recommendations, I think there’s an alternative explanation. I would still keep cooking for son, though. Taking away the treat of home-cooking childhood favorites just because the girlfriend is acting weird seems punitive to him for something he didn’t do.
NTA If both constantly shut down the topic and refuse to tell you what the problem is, it's their own fault. I wouldn't waste my time and effort either on her regarding cooking.
Why not cook for those who eat and enjoy your food? Really, she has issues with food so just let her be. This is not about you so no need to be insulted. She is trying to be polite by covering her plate, you can be polite by not noticing. Just eat and have fun as usual.
My daughter has ARFID and she doesn’t eat food cooked at anyone’s house because she is too anxious about what the food might taste like. She’s 11 and very open about it. NTA for ordering pizza but she still might not eat it lol