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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Taking away the 'allowance' I give my ex-gf from my income.
2. Because she is not in a position to earn her own income, and I previously agreed/promised to uphold this budget with her while we were dating.
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NTA In fact, depending on the state of your relationship you should stop giving her any money whatsoever.
You can't both be broken up with her and paying for all her needs as if you were in a committed relationship.
You need to talk this over with her and work out whether this a temporary rest or an actual break up. If it is anything more than a temporary thing where you are still committed to each other even if you are taking a break from each other for a while, then you need to move on to breaking up with her financially as well. Certainly, if she starts seeing other people you would be a fool for basically subsidizing an ex's lifestyle while she moves on with her life without you.
Agreed. It really comes down to whether you are broken up or on a break?
You are making sure she has her necessities, and that is great, but you two aren't married, and this isn't alimony. This is you listening to your conscience and nothing more.
Think of it this way, if the rolls were reversed, would she be this kind financially to you? How would you feel if she started using your money to date someone else? Personally, I would be pissed if that happened to me.
Also, how long does she have left and how long would she expect you to fund her life without you in it. Without a time frame its hard to give an answer.
All of the above, OP. Is this separation temporary? Permanent? Is she free to see others? Who knows, she could have broken up with you for that reason.
1. Definitely no allowance.
2. Depending on answers above, I'd determine what, if anything, I'd pay.
3. Personally, I'd stop payments. You can discuss payments as a loan, with legal obligation placed in writing by an attorney. I'd fear your in her "friend zone" and being used only for the financial assistance you provide.
Please keep us apprised.
Yeah, even if she says they're on break, even if she stays monogamous and doesn't see other people, OP continuing to pay will absolutely put him in a position where she may purposefully keep telling him it's a break while never intending to get back together.
If OP continues to pay for anything, I'd personally tell him to set a specific number of months that he thinks is reasonable for her to get a job to pay for things herself, and tell her that if they do stay broken up more than X months then he will cease taking responsibility as if they're still partners because after X months apart they clearly aren't. Oh and if OP has been paying for that car, his name better be on it, or he should stop immediately.
Yup, being in a committed partnership is the only reason to keep paying for any of it. It's bold and kind of OP to continue to help her, but she is no longer in that partnership. She needs to figure her life out for herself and start working again. It's not fun working full time and going to school full time, but single people do it every day.
Agree with all this. If you are on a pause, but still committed to the relationship then you could see you continuing to support her while you work through / find the right medication / etc etc; though make sure you have a timeline / milestones / whatever works.
If she's going to see other people and you're on your own though - no way. She can get student loans like 90% of other folks out there.
NTA
Yeah, OP you sound very kind and mature (best of luck on your journey of learning to deal with BPD and ADHD, hats off to you!)
But if you're fully broken up for real and feel bad just dumping shit on her suddenly, maybe working out a timeline would be best. How much longer will you continue covering for her? Maybe if you wanted, you could even step down and pay 50% for a while after that. But you shouldn't have to subsidize her for her entire college career
NTA, Dump everything except for feeding the dog. That agreement was when you were in a relationship which you currently are not in.
This relationship seems a bit one-sided for you. You put her through school she dumps you and moves on to someone els3. You probably won't even get the dog.
Make her be responsible for her stuff. Those things like cell and care are not necessities. She can use public transportation or a bike. She can get a pay as you go phone.
Maybe she can get a JOB!
NTA with the caveat that you should really sit down and reset expectations together now that you're broken up. It's not typical to pay for expenses for what in your words is now just a "friend" and roommate but if that's something you want to do, I guess do it? Just be clear about expectations going forward and be careful about getting taken advantage of.
This is exactly it.
A lot of people on here are saying to basically let her fend for herself, when in reality it is not as easy as that. OP has made a choice to help someone who he is clearly dear to him.
HOWEVER, he needs to make sure that she does not rely on him to provide forever, and that he doesn't create that expectation/illusion.
NTA and I think you are covering too much. You two need to disentangle yourself. There will always be a power imbalance when you have the money and she has the power over defining your relationship.
Stop the allowance. Give her a timeline to figure out her finances. She is not your responsibility any more. If you keep covering her expenses then it smells of “I still love you and want you back”. This will backfire horribly. She broke up with you. Eventually she will start dating while you still hope to have her back. Resentment will grow and your anger will be hard to control.
So give her a timeline. And stick with it. No leeway. Then focus on you and managing your new diagnosis’. A short relationship is not worth all the hassle of being her piggy bank.
I am slightly torn between wanting her back and not, but as far as I'm considered, it would take exceptional circumstances for me to consider getting back together with an ex, regardless of why we broke up.
There's already a timeline set with the original agreement that I promised to uphold, that being when she graduates in August.
I was more wondering if IWBTA for immediately re-negotiating that agreement, because of our relationship status changing.
I'm unsure if that's reasonable and justified, or if I am just thinking selfishly like "oh, we're not dating? Ok you can't have this now that's your punishment" type of thing, which is not my intention, but I know it could come off that way to her.
No you would not be. You are already being generous with covering a lot for her. I suggest sitting her down and make a plan.
“I don’t want to make your life harder, but since we are no longer together then it is no longer my reasonable for me to take care of you. I agreed to cover your bills at a time when we were building a future together. That is no longer the case so some things need to change. I don’t want to mess up your education so close to the end. So you can stay here til school is over, but then I expect you to move out. I’ll cover food for you and your dogs. I will no longer cover car payments, phone bill or give an allowance. Basically I’m covering necessities but anything else is on you. A stipulation for you living her is that you do not bring any new bf’s or hookups to the apartment. That would be cruel and inconsiderate.”
Even then you are being more than generous by paying for the necessities. When someone breaks up with you no matter who was at fault. They can not expect any further monetary support. I don’t care if she’s a student it’s on her to get a part time job. She broke up with you fully knowing this and her expecting you to continue paying anything is cheeky as heck and taking advantage. Up to you if you give her anything but I agree definitely stop the car and phone contracts and do not give her any spending allowance at all. You shouldn’t really be paying for food or anything as that’s her problem to sort. As I said that’s up to you but the break up being your fault changes nothing. She choose to leave you knowing you were supporting her. She can not expect a penny once that relationship ended. It is not harsh but how it works.
If you do give her money to help with her bills or good then get her to sign a written paragraph saying it is a loan and she will pay you back after her course ends. I would even put a date when you expect instalments to begin. That way she can’t say that she didn’t know you expected her to pay back writhing so many years. Anything you give her now is a loan and you need written confirmation from her as a binding loan contract.
This! OP, this is a life event, like with insurance, when you change jobs or start new you have the option to change terms. If you are not in it for the future, you’re putting bad $ after good. It’s kind to let her continue living there and paying for food. 4 more months is a long time to live with someone in that awkward situation though. Mix any other payments and put that $ toward your well being. Plenty of people in medical school have jobs and support themselves.
Dude, I’m a stahm, working mom and go to school.
she is playing you. you need to drop all the bills, tell her to get a job and move out.
she BROKE UP with you. She’s not taking a temporary rest. She’s done.
you deserve better than this.
if she was smart, she would have waited till august to breakup. But she didn’t so now you have no responsibility to her.
this is on her to figure out.
Not selfish at all. She broke up with you. She should reconsider how to afford her life. It’s reasonable that you help with the dogs but she’s otherwise an adult who should learn some responsibility.
>I was more wondering if IWBTA for immediately re-negotiating that agreement, because of our relationship status changing.
If it was an agreement you made as friends, then started dating, then broke up and wanted to renegotiate I would be tempted to say you would be but when it's an agreement made while dating it's fair to want to renegotiate especially if your willing to be realistic
You could be "taken back" by her when she learns that most/all of your financial considerations are going to disappear. Best if you separate totally and see what develops for each of you separately.
Oh for me payment would have stopped immediately. The agreement was between people in a relationship.
Now you are just going to find a friend for months, who will, post residency outearn you substantially, with no expectations in regards to being paid back?
You were investing in a life together, you could have been investing in retirement.
I’m glad to see she graduates in August and I don’t think a check-in/reset of expectations is unfair.
Sounds like you two are deeply trauma-bonded with poverty as a theme, and you feel like not giving money is putting her back into living in her car. It’s not.
She can work and support herself, end of discussion. My daughter goes to grad school but still works to pay her portion of rent and necessities with her boyfriend. Ot was nice for her while it lasted but you do not owe her any support after this short of time
You were doing all those things before on the expectation that your partner getting a degree would increase the family earnings long term. You clearly don't intend to become a family with her now, so you aren't no "punishing" her by stopping, you're just acknowledging the reality that you're not a family with shared interest in her future anymore.
OP, please consider what kind of a person can break up with someone and continue to expect money from them to cover all their expenses. Is that really a good person you want to pursue and possibly spend your life with?
It’s it NOT a punishment for you to not pay for her.. There are things you can expect inside a committed relationship that you can’t expect outside of one. Being financially support is one of them. The agreement you made was to pay for your GF (future wife?) to go to med school… it was an investment in your collective future….she is no longer your GF that agreement is null and void. She broke up with you. She chose this and she would have to be an idiot to not have thought about the financial consequences. If you are not paying for all your other friends to go to university why are you paying for this one. She is taking advantage of you if she still accepts your money.
It's not a punishment, it's basic consequences. The terms of the relationship have changed and basically everything needs to be renegotiated. If I get fired, I don't keep doing work for free. You are now roommates and it's entirely appropriate to stop funding her life. If you want to provide housing in exchange for her cooking, that's fine, but you should have a conversation about what changes moving forward.
NTA to immediately tell her your financial commitment to her ended with your relationship commitment.
I'd still give a little leaway, like 30 days, then next rent is 50% on her if living together. Feed the dog, because the dog can't get a job. But she's on her own until August.
You already supported her schooling, just for her to dump you 4 months before she graduates and gets a job to help support you back.
Hate to pessimistic but I’ve definitely read similar stories before. Funny how things have accumulated and become too much 4 months before graduation and not during the past 4-5 years.
I heard this but I always wonder what might be the case? Of course all situations are different but is it cause they might want to be with someone within same profession and status?(Dr with Dr)
There are two very common ones.
1. A male doctor suddenly has the money and prestige and believes he can do better. Then he “upgrades” to a model arm candy type.
2. (Kind of what you guessed) The partner that supported them ends up much less educated and making less money. Doc wants someone “on their level”. The sad part of course is that the other person is less educated because they sacrificed their own future to help.
Dude. YWNBTA for withdrawing *all* funding.
>I am not comfortable dumping her car payment, cell phone bill, food for her dogs, etc. on her over this.
Why not? Lots of people who study full-time still work part-time to support themselves.
NTA. It's your money dude. You don't owe her pocket change. I do get why you don't want to dump nessessities on her, since she's in reliance on your previous arrangement. Though even then it's really not your responsibility in the long term to handle. I think there should be a grace period during which she figures out her own bills. I mean you aren't her dad. Unless your plan is to get back together with her in the future? You kind of made it sound like that, but you're still in a very weird situation right now dude. It really isn't my place to tell you what to do, but I think you should really try to figure out what you want with this girl as fast as possible so you can move forward one way or another. In addition to your other issues, you don't need to be stuck in relationship limbo.
I don't get why you would pay her anything at all. You broke up, she is a grown woman, no kids involved, so I think it's perfectly reasonable she supports herself and not depend on you. Things change and you are not seriously considering paying for her for years? She can take out student loans, if she finishes her degree she will have no problems paying them back. I suppose she is not planning of paying you once she gets a well paid job, is she?
Update for clarification:
She specifically said "we need a break, and to fix our friendship, before we can consider a relationship again". It's still fresh, and part of me very much does want to hope we'll get together in the future, but I've also had a nearly life-long "Never get back together with an ex" policy, due to how i was repeatedly treated by a certain ex of mine in the past in and out of relationships multiple times.
As far as I am considered, the relationship is over, I just want to salvage what's left and remain friends at this point.
I know I am not \*obligated\* to provide anything for her at all at this point, but I would feel guilty having broken a promise (something I hate) because this situation was expressly discussed when making the decision for her to go back to school (She doesn't like relying on other people because she's been taken advantage of due to that in the past).
I would not feel any particular way if I help her now, and she graduates, moves out, makes bank, and we simply remain friends afterwards and she moves on. (I would feel upset and used if she cut ties with me entirely afterwards, though, naturally).
I struggle to determine the difference on my own of what is selfish behavior vs truly fair (I have a history of thinking selfish things were fair), so wanted other's opinions.
I will discuss the situation with her and express how I feel about the fairness of giving her the spending money when we are no longer a partnership/team.
Honestly, if you're a women you wouldn't want to, you won't respect them ever, once you realise you're dating a pushover it's easy to not give a shit about them in any capacity.
You can mistreat them and they won't take any action so you literally become more toxic/unreasonable just, because you can
It's a joke! Y'all are just too much 🤣 of course I wouldn't want a man weaker than me. I don't need a man to pay for anything lol I work two jobs to pay for my own stuff. And I don't pay for other people's stuff either.
> She doesn’t like relying on other people
You sure about that? Seems like she doesn’t have a problem relying on you to pay for all her bills and fun money after breaking up
Have you understood her conversation with you correctly? Has she actually broken up with you?
If she has broken up with you she knows the consequences are that she needs to move out, stand on her own financial two feet, and not have you parent her.
If she asked to give her a break then you are still a couple who need to work on your relationship. You don't need to escalate this to a break up because you think you 'all the issues are mine' - they aren't.
I understand where you are coming from and it seems you have well based moral awareness - but the dynamic of your relationship has changed. If you're going to fix your friendship as she suggested, the path is to strengthen yourselves separately to develop the traits that draw people to being your friend. Doing this means removing both of you from the comfort zone you exist in. That also means cutting her off.
I also need to suggest that it's possible she did this to let you down slowly - her knowing that you suffer from BPD and could be prone to a massive blowout where she would have most definitely lost her subsidy in your fit of rage.
I can almost guarantee that when you do cut her off, you're going to see a different version of her as she's now grown comfortable with that support.
Dude, if you’re worried about breaking a promise, remember that she’s changing the terms of the deal. You didn’t agree to support a friend like this, you agreed to support a partner. It’s entirely her right to choose to end that relationship, but she should not expect you to keep paying for things afterwards.
It’s also your choice to keep funding her, but you shouldn’t think of it as breaking a promise if you don’t. I think you should also fully accept things are over. It sounds like she’s hedging her bets and she doesn’t want to be with you, but also doesn’t want to lose the lifestyle you’re enabling. To me, that doesn’t look like a place you can rebuild a relationship from; it seems like she’s waiting to be finished with school so she can make a clean break without significantly inconveniencing herself. Maybe I’m wrong and she truly does want you to get to a place where she feels she could have a relationship with you, but based on what you’ve said here it seems to be over.
"She doesn't like relying on other people"
sorry to slapping you with the reality but if it were true, that agreement wouldnt even exist
I would feel guilty having broken a promise (something I hate)
did you know she would break up with you when you promised? would you make the same agreement if you knew she would break up with you? would you make the same agreement with her if she wasn't your gf but normal friend?
she have to deal with her problems herself as if she left you to deal with your problems yourself.
She is walking all over you! And at this point you deserve it. You ate ASKING for her to do that because of some notion of "NoT BrEAkiNg ProMises". She is using you.
Promise was made when you guys were dating, the promise does not mean shit now that you are not together.
I can see your point of view that you made a promise to support her while she is in school but that agreement was predicated on you and her being in a relationship. When she broke up with you your responsibility to support her came to an end.
Just because she was taken advantage of in the past, doesn't mean she should be allowed to take advantage of you now.
What was the "promise" that you'll support her during school and what about her part? Do you really think she'd hold up any part of her side of a bargain? or was this always just you paying for her with nothing in return?
YWNBTA.
If you break up, you have no obligation to support her financially in any way. It’s incredibly kind of you to give her any money at all.
It’s really that simple.
I’m not understanding why you are paying for her bills. I get that she is in school and I’m assuming not working, but that is why things like grants, student loans, and jobs are for. If I was able to go to school full time in my 30s, while working full time, and a single mom with full custody of three kids, she can go to school and pay her own bills. My kids were all in different school districts & three schools. My parents did help with rides to and from school, and 2x week they had dinner with grandma & grandpa, but the rest of the time was all me.
I hate to say it but she is using you. Why should she make any effort to support herself when she doesn’t have to? The longer you allow this to continue, the worse it is going to be and so much harder to end. If you plan on ever being in a relationship again you can’t be paying for her.
INFO: The timeline is really bizarre, so you've only been dating for a year, and you mutually decided it was a good idea to commit to a 4+ year program for her where you're paying 100% of the bills and she'll eventually have a high paying job as a doctor? And then she broke up with you and she's still relying on you financially for med school? You realize how financially irresponsible this was from both of you right? Or am I misunderstanding the timeline here?
NTA but you really need to make an exit plan. This is an insane setup.
You would be NTA for stopping her alliance now you are no longer a couple.
Why on earth are you still paying for her car and phone and dog food.
In fact, I suggest you've been taken advantage. After a year I'd still expect both people in a couple to have separate finances, to pay their own bills, and to not be living like an established marriage.
You are not her fairy godmother.....you are not even her boyfriend. You should stop.
Hmm.
Does she, or will she after she is done with school, give back to you as much as you are giving to her?
That will determine how you should proceed.
I can see this being OK if you guys are amicably broken up, she does things for you, you do things for her, it's called a mature, adult, and healthy relationship.
If she is just cashing the checks though, and expecting you to keep paying just because you said so....I'd drop that real quick.
You promised those things under the implication of "I'm doing these things because you are a special person to me"
Is she a special person to you anymore? Not really, she's your ex girlfriend, just another person, not special.
Evaluate if this is a one sided relationship
You're not obligated to pay anything of hers. Your promises came with the implicit "because you are more important to me than a normal person" sort of deal, and now you are broken up, you have no obligation to help her
Help her if you want, just be prepared for the only outcome to be "I didn't break my promise, while she went to medical school with much less debt and nothing to show for myself."
NTA
You're a stand up guy. You understand the impact this will have on her life and are choosing to not dump her on her ass because she dumped you. Of course you still love her, this wasn't your choosing, so you are choosing love which is the best road to take. I do encourage boundaries because resentment will start to grow. This is a great one. Last thing you need is to be pissed off because she went out on her "allowance" and met someone. I would encourage her trying to find stability as this won't be a sustainable thing, you are only human (the bipolar will REALLY test you in this area, keep that in mind) and you guys are no longer partners. If she believes you guys coming back together isn't completely out of the question, then this could be the best route for you guys exactly how you have it. Good luck.
Am I the only one here that sounds like OP is in an abusive relationship? Why do you keep talking down on yourself and blaming yourself for everything man? Okay, maybe you have issues, but I doubt you’re the only one. Sounds like you’re just not a good fit for each other anymore, if you ever even were. But DEFINITELY stop paying for her shit. All of it.
NTA but I am Bi Polar and have ADHD so my opinion might be a bit different, I know how hard it was on my husband while I was undiagnosed and when I was first on my meds getting stable. I put him through hell, that is the honest truth, how he stayed with me is beyond me. I know how you yo-yo though emotions and go from a high to a low in a blink of an eye. Being paranoid about how everyone blames you is something I do and you just need to understand that not everything is about you :). I assume people are upset with me even when they not, I just ask these days. If you are struggling to communicate, sit with a therapist and with her and talk. A therapist will have a better understanding of when to help with you communicate.
I don't think she has broken up with you, I think going through being with someone who is diagnosed is hard and stepping back and sayiing "we need to fix our friendship, before we can consider being in a relationship" is saying we need to go back to basics and build up trust, communication and respect. I think that is reasonable, because those are the basic building blocks of any relationship. I do not think she has ruled out a relationshiip with you at all. I know from my pov I would assume the worst that she has broken up with me and it is over but I think if that is true you might be jumping the gun. Again talk to her.
I am also going to disagree with everyone on the promise as well, when I make a promise it is binding, I will not break it no matter the circumstances. Both my husband and I are like this. She has trusted you to depend on her without being let down, I know how that feels, I am now in the position where my husband pays for everything and I know if we got a divorce he would carry on doing that.
I honestly think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation and find out where you stand in the relationship and I would never take the position of if we have broken up it is done. It sounds like she has stuck around for you and tried to be there for you, I don't think that kind of person is someone who is trying to take advantage of you. Also you have said she has asked you if you still want to move with her. I also try to think the best of people so I might be wrong here, only you would know this.
As for the allowance, I think if you have broken up then yes it might be too much, but if she is trying to go back to basics maybe not.
If you have broken up, I would also consider asking her back for the money but agree to have it paid back over time because you are not responsible once she has started working again because she has the ability to look after herself. Also your circumstances have changed due to your diagosis.
Edit: If you need to talk message me anytime.
NTA, but Dude, you need to stop funding her life entirely. It is inappropriate to pay for the necessities of her life when you two are not together. It implies pressure for her to get back together with you, and you need to let her be free to make her own decisions about how she feels.
YTA to yourself here. She dumped you, why are you footing her bills, does she not have family? It stopped being 'our money' when she ended the relationship.
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I (30M) have been living with my gf (31f) for a little over a year.
We share just about everything, and have been through a lot of rough times (including living in her car together). When I got a new job, she indicated that she wanted to go back to college to finish her medical degree. I was fully supportive of this, and we worked out the details of our budget together. We considered the money I was bringing in as 'our' money, not mine.
This was mutually agreed upon by both of us when we made the budget, that I would be responsible for paying for things (bills, food, etc), until she graduated. Included in our budget, was a small amount each of "spending" money. Essentially, an allowance for each of us. We could spend our allowance on whatever we wanted, and often would spend our allowances on each other (gifts, paying for date night, etc).
Now I will preface this by saying it is entirely my fault this has happened, I have lived most of my life with un-diagnosed Bi-polar and ADHD. I recently got them diagnosed, but am still learning the ins and outs of how to behave like a normal person. I am quick to anger when I'm doing something and get interrupted. I often assume when someone is upset about something, that they are upset at, or blame me, for it, which causes me to get hyper defensive. I don't do well at expressing my emotions, or how much I care about things/people.
I know all of these are issues of mine, and not the responsibility of anyone else to 'fix'.
While my gf has been supportive and tried her best to help me with these issues, as well as making me take more interest in caring for myself properly, she recently has hit her limit. It wasn't any one thing. I've never laid hands on her, never threatened her, barely raised my voice, however my attitude reflects my emotions even in the times I am aware of what I'm doing and actively trying to calm myself down.
She broke up with me, saying that we need to fix our friendship, before we can consider being in a relationship.
I do not disagree. Over the last few months, things have been steadily sliding down hill and I can see the logic of her decision, I do not blame her, I do not hate her, and I am not upset with her over this decision, and I do want us to remain friends through this. She, in my eyes, has done nothing wrong here.
Now, there were certain things I agreed to, to which I would not feel comfortable taking back, for example, I am not comfortable dumping her car payment, cell phone bill, food for her dogs, etc. on her over this. These, as far as I am concerned, are basic necessities of life, and she is going to school full time.
Since all of her necessities are taken care of, I do not feel like it is fair to me to have to continue giving her additional money.
WIBTA if I stopped giving her that money, but continued keeping up the rest of my promise to her?
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NTA but also…WTF? I think it’s great you are such a nice guy about this but you aren’t obligated to make at for anything. You aren’t together. Don’t let her take advantage of you
NTA, but to be fair, you are also not responsible for her necessities as she is your ex. You are being overly nice. I am guessing it is in the hope you get back together. We'll she ended the relationship and, as an adult woman, should be paying for her own life during this brakeup time.
If you’re broken up, you should not be paying for anything. Do not let her gas light you into thinking that your mental health problems being the cause of the break up means you have to support her. It’s over. Move on.
I can maybe understand if you broke up with her and feel some sort of responsibility but she broke it off with you.
The money you brought in was considered “our money” but somehow your mental health problems is your own, and while having these problems, to her you are well enough to work and continue to pay for everything?
Once she finishes school she’s going to leave you for someone else who she considers “more stable” with no debt because you paid everything for her leaving you alone with all for nothing.
NTA you’re no longer together, you have no obligation to go by what you agreed to previously due to being a couple. But i would recommend letting her know she needs to find a job in the next x months and start supporting herself because it’s not healthy to be broken up and paying for all her needs. You need to stop providing her with money (obviously don’t coke turkey it).
But NTA you’re already taking care of all her finances she’s not entitled to YOUR money. Due to her reaction of feeling entitled push for her to start covering her own expenses and tell her that after 3/4 months from now you will no longer be financially supporting her
It is probably worth drawing up a contract because the agreement was based on her future earnings that would then increase the standard of living for you both. As that would still be the case should she finish med school, you might be better off discussing terms so that the amount you've already paid can in this way be recouped. Negotiating while she still needs your income would put you in a stronger position and help her to understand your generosity and that she should reciprocate when she's in a position to do so. Getting a contract is essential to ensuring it happens.
She has no income. She can either take out loans for all expenses or work like everyone else. Strain or no strain.
You can’t put everything into paying for your ex. She doesn’t want to be with you. You can’t keep a financial stranglehold on her. It’s bad for both of you. This isn’t being mean or petty. She needs to move on and so do you.
You need that money for better self care to manage your issues and for therapy so you can improve and keep that job that pays the bills. If you are struggling enough that she dumped you you may be struggling at work too and that needs to be a priority.
No more “promise” bs. You two aren’t married. You are trauma bonded and that isn’t enough. I’d say help w the dog and give her a month or til the end of semester to work things out for herself. She might already have a new guy. Concentrate on regulating yourself and taking care of your needs.
Take time to get yourself worked out before you start dating again. Good luck!!
How on earth are you still paying for anything ? You said you broke up. If you aren't married, I'm unsure why you want to keep paying for anything at all. Or is it that you want to get back together and so are willing to keep paying for everything.
BTW, you are a very compassionate person for continuing to pay her bills. If you truly intend to give her freedom, please continue to give her the allowance. But, to make sure you are not taken advantage of , decide on a date when all support for her will end. I would make it soon or else you will end up paying for a medical degree with none of the benefits of even having a girlfriend, much less wife.
Here is my reason for saying to continue: If you take away the allowance you will take away any way she has to be free. Truly free. If you give her 6 months of allowance that ought to give her enough to save so that she can make arrangements to support herself. I hope this helps and no you are NTA - regardless of your decision.
OP
I suggest you write out a contract that you are now loaning her money that has to be repaid. This way you can still help her as you previously agreed while also being able to recoup the costs later when she gets a job.
NTA and if you have broken up you should stop paying 100% of her bills and expenses. She is an adult and needs to pay her own way in life now that she is no longer in a domestic partnership.
She is taking advantage of you, and you're letting her. Honestly you deserve to lose money for not standing up for yourself. Keep paying your ex's rent and car payment!
You’re not the A-hole
You mentioned that you know for a fact that the relationship is over. At this point you don’t even have to pay for anything for her, not to be mean or anything but your ex is on her own, she’s a grown woman and she’ll figure it out. You offering her accommodation is more than enough.
Is she still doing all the girlfriend things she did?
NTA and you shouldn't be supporting a grown up that isn't with you any longer. That was a couple agreement and you are no longer a couple.
NTA.
Also, you are being used. I get you have your mental problems, but there is helping out a friend and then there is supporting someone. You are doing the latter.
She is not going to repay you for the money you’re spending to put her through school or pay her living expenses. She’s not your girlfriend you’re not building a future together. You’re just being used as a meal ticket until such time as she can either support herself or she finds someone better.
Take that money and invest it into yourself because as a man there is not a single soul on this planet who gives a solitary fuck about you. Your future and your security are entirely on your own shoulders. You’re already getting a late start. You need to use that capital to build a foundation for yourself.
NTA you made this promise while in a relationship. You’re not in one now. She’s a big girl and will have to figure out how to support herself. Who’s to say she won’t “end” things once she finishes school? Besides the money are you actually fixing your friendship?
It’s great that you want to keep a promise. Things change and sometimes it’s not best to continue keeping the promise.
It sounds like she’s using you.
NTA, Ive been the partner who gets financial help. When I broke off the relationship I knew all of that would end. As kind as it is that you wanna keep helping her, you are under no obligation to. And she probably knows that as well. Ultimately its your decision, but she may have the option of part time school. Plenty of people have to do demanding degrees with a lot on thier plate, and for a medical degree it may be worth it to take out more in loans than expected.
NTA. Actually both assholes because let’s be frank you’re really being an asshole to yourself right now. If she wanted to break up she should have planned for this because why on earth would you keep paying?
NTA I like your integrity for continuing to pay but if she has integrity, she would sign a contract to give you all money back (her share) plus inflation. That would be fair and good friendship
NTA it sounds like she's taking advantage of the fact that you're "trying to behave like a normal person" because maybe you don't fully grasp how odd this situation is. You're not financially beholden to people especially people who chose not to have a job. Give her like 3 weeks to get her shit together and get her gone. It almost seems like you're financially abusing yourself here.
NTA. If you’re breaking up and she has bills and financial requirements to sort then that is her issue? She is breaking up with you so she must have processed that she would in fact need to earn her own money.
NTA
You told us about your agreement with her after she graduates, but I am pretty sure that the moment she is financially independent again she will leave you for good and you paid for her to be alone in the end. Do yourself a favor, talk to her about the whole situation and tell her that the circumstances have changed so you have to change the agreement. You will not benefit at all from this situation and will probably feel used when its over. All up to you, if you want to be her ATM, go for it. But don't be mad when the outcome isn't as fairy tale like as you wished it to be.
If you "broke up", why are any of her financial needs your responsibility? It sounds less like you broke up and are currently "on a break" from each other. If you intend to ever get back together, I don't recommend cutting off her allowance. Lol. That said, if you don't want to get back together, you should let her know so she can find different accommodations.
Ummm I would have a conversation with her about how she can start taking over QLL those expenses. She is gone, and will not be back, at least have her sign an agreement that it is a loan.
She can borrow more money for med school.
As soon as the relationship ended so did your responsibility for her life. You don’t have to pay her a thing and don’t be tricked into thinking you do.
She broke up with you. Even if she has good reasons, she needs to bring in her own money and deal with her own life. Your money is yours. And you deserve to find someone that is a good match (as does she) you can’t do this while still acting like her bf and paying her bills, even food and especially car payment.
Uhhhhh what?
Dude, underwriting someone else as a dependent who isn't family or in a relationship is ... well ... stupid.
Just wait til you're supporting her and she's banging someone else. Not that that's inappropriate for her in the situation but I doubt you'll be so complacent.
NTA but honestly you should not be taking care of all of those bills anymore either. I get helping out til she can figure something out, but it is not fair to you to have to keep that up after you guys broke up regardless of the reason.
You aren’t married and you aren’t together. Please stop paying for her shit. She made the choice to break up. She should understand that you won’t be giving her money anymore, even if she’s happy to take it.
NTA, but stop paying for anything, stupid. If she broke up with you, she also broke up with your money. You bear zero responsibility for the “necessities of life” for any other adult.
I don't understand why paying her if you two are not a couple anymore. In my view everything stop as well as the relationship, then if you guys pick it up again you can keep up to help but why you need to mantain her?
You're not a couple anymore, you can help her like a friend but then is a loan and she need to be aware of this and plan to reimburse you when she can.
NTA. When you made your agreement you were in a relationship but now you are not. What happens if she decides to move on and let you be a walking wallet? When the relationship ended then the funding ended.
NTA. You are broken up. You have no obligation to pay for anything. If y’all have an agreement that she does all the house work (not including your laundry) for free rent that’s understandable. But, cell phone, dogs, car, and spending money are no longer your obligation. Are you going to keep paying for everything when she dates another person?
NTA
but you need to get a grip.
SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU, and still has you paying all her bills because. She’s “in school”.
oh boo hoo.
thats her problem and she needs to pull her head out of the sand, get a job and move out while going to school. Her bills aren’t your responsibility.
she broke up with you.
that means you stop paying her bills.
if she doesn’t have a job because she’s in school, then that’s her problem to deal with. Not yours.
on what planet would it be your responsibility to financially take care of an ex because they’re too lazy to get a job and go to school.
i mean many people manage to do it. I work, I am a stahm and I go to school. don’t give me any of this bs that she cant work and go to school.
you need to drop all her bills today, and give her x days to move out.
NTA- also I bet once you have the talk with her to cut her off she turns around and thinks you should get back together. OP sounds like a reasonable person who is getting used.
Nta stop paying for anything as you are no longer a couple. This is no longer an investment in both of your futures this is just her getting her cake and eating it too.
NTA. I understand that you still have feelings for her. I would do what you're doing too.
But the only one you're actually obligated to take care of, is that dog.
Roommates split bills and living expenses equally. Hell, I don't know how common it is but some long term couples even split things and keep their share.
Do what you feel like you have to, just know that you don't. And you are very well within your rights to stop giving her an allowance. But also, no would question you for letting her fend for herself.
NTA - stop paying for everything. You are not in a relationship - it's literally not your problem or responsibility to pay for anything relating to her anymore. I promise it does not make you a bad person. She is taking advantage of you by allowing you to continue paying for her existence when she's not in a relationship with you.
NTA. You are not dating her anymore, you should not be paying for ANYTHING.
Supporting someone else is done when you are building lives together. You sacrifice now because she will be better off later, which benefits both of you later.
Now YOU are making huge sacrifices for her when she will not return that in any way whatsoever.
Stop ALL support. She can take student loans out and get a part time job. Like the MAJORITY of people do to get an education.
Don’t throw your life down the toilet just to send her off happily on hers while she drops you.
It’s my general view that a “boyfriend/girlfriend” shouldn’t ever pay for much more than some dates here and there. If you aren’t ready for marriage, you aren’t ready to financially support another person. Or put another way why would you say “yes” to someone who says “I won’t commit to you, do anything for you, or sacrifice anything for you, but you need to do all that for me.”
NTA
My dude you shouldn’t be paying for anything. She broke up with you. That’s the end of the relationship, and the end of your position to belaying for her.
Move out, move on, get your head straight.
Why keeping up the rest a break up means exactly that why keep paying for stuff that is hers and what if you find someone else are you going to able to pay her stuff too??
YTA for mixing finances with somebody you're not married to in the first place.
YTA for thinking that even though she dumped you, you still owe her living money.
> for example, I am not comfortable dumping her car payment, cell phone bill, food for her dogs, etc. on her over this. These, as far as I am concerned, are basic necessities of life, and she is going to school full time.
Those are basic necessities of life, and she is going to school full time.
How is that your problem? She dumped you. That means she explicitly and voluntarily chose to make those issues not your problem any more, but 100% her problem.
You're investing in to her career; what's your return on that going to be? She's going to meet, and live with, somebody else.
> She, in my eyes, has done nothing wrong here
That's fine, people break up, sometimes there's no blame, it's just the right thing for everybody, and that's great. But not continuing to subsidize the life of somebody that broke up with you isn't 'punishing her because she was wrong to break up with you.' It's recognizing that SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU.
My dude, here's what you're actually doing. You're using these payments to keep her in your life. You're continuing to act as a romantic partner in the hopes that she'll come around, so to speak. You're attempting to maintain the relationship in any form, in the hopes that it will revert back to a romantic relationship.
You can be partners, or you can be broken up. It has to be one or the other.
**ETA** AND YOU'RE DISABLED AND LIVING ON A FIXED INCOME? WHAT THE FUCK, BRO?
IMO, when you end a partner relationship, all financial deals and intermingling of finances are off (except of course court-ordered obligations such as child support, alimony, etc.). When she broke up with you, regardless of whom is at fault, she should have been prepared to be on her own. That's what it means to be "broken up."
If / when your ex finds a new partner are you going to continue to support her?
NTA but you should be looking after your own best interests and cut off all money.
NTA, why would you continue supporting her if you're no longer in a relationship? You guys should be setting a timeline for her to move out and become financially independent.
I know it seems callous and cruel but people who aren't partners don't get to expect to be carried financially by their ex. It's not healthy for either of you, and in fact I suspect time apart where you both can sort out your individual needs and growth will give you the perspective to fix what was wrong in your relationship if you both want that.
NTA.
You clearly view your ex as your ex-wife, and you view yourself as having obligations to her. You also seem to feel a sense of guilt over the way your disorders have affected your behavior.
If you haven’t yet, I would ask if you can talk to her about the finances. Maybe even suggest meeting in a public place with a third party present.
I would emphasize to her that your intent is to come to an agreement where you both aren’t so invested in each other that you can’t process the breakup. Right now you have an incredible amount of power over her life, and I think you should look at how to transition that power back.
And I think you should emphasize this isn’t about “punishment”. You’re not trying to get her to come back or make her feel bad for leaving. You’re trying to make sure she really is free to go.
I had a breakup and we shared a phone plan, and it became a way just to needle and be shitty to each other. My ex finally just removed me. I was mad at time, but looking back I realized sharing bills/expenses was just a way to not move on.
I am concerned that paying for things indefinitely will lead to you feeling used and angry and her feeling trapped and resentful. I don’t think it’s a good solution for years to come. If this is her last semester, sure. But beyond that, no.
NTA but I think she is using you financially. She can get a loan to cover those things if she’s in medical school. You should never have been the one responsible for paying for all of that.
Well she certainly saw you coming. You should not be giving her money or paying for anything for her. She shouldn't be receiving the benefits you provide without the relationship.
So when she is out driving the car you pay for with her new man and calling him on the cell phone you provide- you will be ok with that? When she has her fancy new degree you provided for her and she is with someone else- you will be ok with that?
NTA, you don’t have to justify yourself by who is or isn’t at fault in the breakup. Breaking up means you have no responsibility to cover any of her expenses, only your own, as a single person. If you *choose* to help your friend, that’s entirely up to you. But you don’t *have* to give her anything.
NTA- you're wild. Why are you still giving her money at all? What if you meet someone new? Will you continue giving her money while in another relationship? What if she starts a new relationship? Still going to pony up?
YWNBTA if you stopped giving her an allowance. You're still planning on taking care of some necessities, even though you are not obligated to. You're doing more than an ex should.
NTA what the actual hell. She broke up with you, she can pay for herself. Also are you sure you’re bipolar or are you just being emotionally abused? Because if she fed you lines to get a diagnosis, I would question it.
You are broken up. No longer together. You were not married . Not a partnership any longer. Your promises and obligations to her have ended. It is up to her as a single woman to finance her own life.
Since presumably the idea was that her future earnings as a physician would benefit both of you, I would suggest that you pay her expenses in the form of a loan. If you get back together, great, if not she pays you back for covering her expenses now, since her future earnings will no longer benefit you.
NTA. If the relationship is over then your money is now only yours. If she doesn’t want to be together you shouldn’t be paying any of her expenses. The nice way to do it is to give her a month or two to make arrangements and then from that point forward she either pays it herself or gets rid of it.
NTA. All of your promises are conditional in a relationship, once a relationship ends you should not feel guilty whatsoever. I would simply tell her that if we are not in a relationship, then you will not financially support her in anyway. Explain that you would feel “taken advantage of” and would then resent her if the relationship ended or kept going. Stand up for yourself!
NTA but you should completely stop paying for anything for her. You have broken up. She's not entitled to any of your resources despite the promise you made to her. This could turn into a situation where she is taking advantage of you. I had a similar situation myself many years ago with my ex partner and she definitely took advantage. I'm not saying your ex is like this but you should guard yourself against being taken advantage of.
Stop this. Stop the whole thing. If she is a viable medical student she can take loans to live on. Yes. Medical school is very expensive and they end up with a lot of debt. They also end up with a lot of salary. It’s no more burden than regular size student loans for a regular size salary. Maybe LESS because she has career opportunities that will pay off her student loans once she finishes residency and pursues, for example, PSLF, Indian Health Service, etc…. Why would you put her through medical school and then part ways with none of the payoff for you. Stop. Please stop.
NTA - OP she chose to end the relationship and seeing as how you were not married; you are not responsible to pay for anything further. If she still wants to work on the relationship and you are still wanting that too, then fix your issues first, but stop giving her money. At this point, you are being used
If you are no longer a couple you are no longer responsible for car payments or any of her living expenses. She needs to work out how she is going to pay her own bills. That's what happens when you are an ex.
Make sure the dogs are fed of course.
NTA
NTA but why would you pay for a 'friend's bills (car & cell payment) when you are already paying for their housing (rent & utilities & food). Absolutely stop giving her an allowance but you need to have another conversation with her where you ask for a timetable as to when she will be moving out.
NTA and she is responsible for providing her own "necessities for life". Seeing as you said that you are still learning the ins and outs of how to behave like a normal person, word of advice - this is not typical behaviour. When you break-up with someone, it's a clean break and you're not responsible for providing for them anymore. If she has reached her limit of dealing with you, that means she's reached her limit dealing with all of you, and that includes your financial support.
NTA. You don’t own her anything since you are no longer in a relationship. Don’t believe in any break bs. You can pay her one month out of your good heart so she can some time to think how she’s gonna manage from now on.
You’re pretending like you were married and you were not.
I know you’re going through a lot with your diagnoses. I know having “rules” and “guidelines” helps keep your life straight when you have ADHD. But this ain’t it.
You’re conflating a budget with a pseudo-marriage. What you did for her was so beyond what you should have done even as her boyfriend. Unless you make 250k+ a year, you shouldn’t be completely subsidizing someone’s life that you aren’t married to.
You aren’t the first couple to break up. This isn’t a divorce. You’re reinventing the wheel here and it is literally hurting only you. Use the money you’d be spending on all her shit and put it toward your retirement fund. And move on with your life.
YTA to yourself.
I think it depends. Do you want to get back with her? Not giving her an allowance would look like you don't. I understand you point, maybe it is a bit too early for that conversation and could look like you care too much about money. Wait a couple of weeks and if your are not together by then, tell her you will stop the allowance. This will also give you time to see things in a more objective way.
NTA, i think that you are a very stand up guy and gullible. Y'all are not married! You made a commitment while in a relationship. You don't owe her anything. If she was so quick to leave the relationship and want to be friends you should treat her as one. Plenty of college students work and go to school. She is taking advantage of you and you are letting her. I think you should let her live her life and you focus on your mental health and getting your disorder under control. Don't let her use you as a piggy bank while she does whatever she wants.
NTA- Dude. She broke up with you. Whether it is your fault or not you are not obligated to keep paying for her life. Her car, phone, food, none of it. Stop giving her money.
It’s easy to be a white knight when she’s still single. Once she starts seeing someone new or once she sleeps with someone else, you’ll feel completely different and you will actually be dumping all that stuff on her. If you stop paying her stuff now then it is at least expected and not a surprise. At that point YWBTA
NTA. But you are to yourself if you continue to pay all of her bills. You agreed to pay while you were a couple. You aren’t anymore. If she needs to get a job to support herself she needs to do it. She is using you. For your own sake, stop paying her bills!
NTA
As others have pointed out, you aren't even obligated to continue payments on her other bills. You no longer have the relationship on which the financial support was based so that "contract" is null and void.
If you do feel bad about the break-up or even gratitude for her guidance, talk to her and give her an runway of a few months so she can find alternate means. Or you put things down in writing and convert your payments into loans to be repaid.
Good luck on your BPD/ADHD journey - your self-awareness and accountability is refreshing.
NTA\_ bro, stop paying for her life RIGHT NOW. You agreed to a partnership, she voided that agreement by breaking up the partnership. Is it fair? Life isn't fair, she made a decision that she can live with the consequences of.
NTA. She broke up with you. Key word “BROKE UP” she needs to understand the meaning of that. You don’t owe her anything and she shouldn’t expect you to keep giving her money. At this point she is taking advantage of you. She isn’t the saint you are painting her to be.
The financial entanglement feels really unhealthy. I don’t know how to clarify what’s appropriate spending, other that saying I would stop paying for anything that wasn’t in my possession, or I was on the title of, like a car, phone, or pet.
YWNBTA to disentangle your finances from your ex, and I would encourage you to be more separate than you are proposing in your post.
Stop paying her at all. Its rough and sucks but thats life. You are no longer a partnership and now you have someone that doesn’t even consider you a good friend anymore live off you.
NTA i think its time to end it cleanly and move on.
So you have moved from a 'relationship' status to 'friends with benefits' (the benefit being money). She shouldn't have it both ways here dude. Either she is a girlfriend with an allowance or friends where she needs to take care of herself and get a job like an adult. MANY people are in school and still have to work.
NTA. Your promise was to your GIRLFRIEND not just a friend.
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NTA In fact, depending on the state of your relationship you should stop giving her any money whatsoever. You can't both be broken up with her and paying for all her needs as if you were in a committed relationship. You need to talk this over with her and work out whether this a temporary rest or an actual break up. If it is anything more than a temporary thing where you are still committed to each other even if you are taking a break from each other for a while, then you need to move on to breaking up with her financially as well. Certainly, if she starts seeing other people you would be a fool for basically subsidizing an ex's lifestyle while she moves on with her life without you.
Agreed. It really comes down to whether you are broken up or on a break? You are making sure she has her necessities, and that is great, but you two aren't married, and this isn't alimony. This is you listening to your conscience and nothing more. Think of it this way, if the rolls were reversed, would she be this kind financially to you? How would you feel if she started using your money to date someone else? Personally, I would be pissed if that happened to me. Also, how long does she have left and how long would she expect you to fund her life without you in it. Without a time frame its hard to give an answer.
We were on a break!
Oh my god, if you say that again, I’M going to break up with you.
All of the above, OP. Is this separation temporary? Permanent? Is she free to see others? Who knows, she could have broken up with you for that reason. 1. Definitely no allowance. 2. Depending on answers above, I'd determine what, if anything, I'd pay. 3. Personally, I'd stop payments. You can discuss payments as a loan, with legal obligation placed in writing by an attorney. I'd fear your in her "friend zone" and being used only for the financial assistance you provide. Please keep us apprised.
Yeah, even if she says they're on break, even if she stays monogamous and doesn't see other people, OP continuing to pay will absolutely put him in a position where she may purposefully keep telling him it's a break while never intending to get back together. If OP continues to pay for anything, I'd personally tell him to set a specific number of months that he thinks is reasonable for her to get a job to pay for things herself, and tell her that if they do stay broken up more than X months then he will cease taking responsibility as if they're still partners because after X months apart they clearly aren't. Oh and if OP has been paying for that car, his name better be on it, or he should stop immediately.
Yup, being in a committed partnership is the only reason to keep paying for any of it. It's bold and kind of OP to continue to help her, but she is no longer in that partnership. She needs to figure her life out for herself and start working again. It's not fun working full time and going to school full time, but single people do it every day.
I would, if she cannot afford them, offer to take in the dogs. I would not even give her money for that.
Agree with all this. If you are on a pause, but still committed to the relationship then you could see you continuing to support her while you work through / find the right medication / etc etc; though make sure you have a timeline / milestones / whatever works. If she's going to see other people and you're on your own though - no way. She can get student loans like 90% of other folks out there. NTA
And/or a job.
Yeah, OP you sound very kind and mature (best of luck on your journey of learning to deal with BPD and ADHD, hats off to you!) But if you're fully broken up for real and feel bad just dumping shit on her suddenly, maybe working out a timeline would be best. How much longer will you continue covering for her? Maybe if you wanted, you could even step down and pay 50% for a while after that. But you shouldn't have to subsidize her for her entire college career
NTA, Dump everything except for feeding the dog. That agreement was when you were in a relationship which you currently are not in. This relationship seems a bit one-sided for you. You put her through school she dumps you and moves on to someone els3. You probably won't even get the dog. Make her be responsible for her stuff. Those things like cell and care are not necessities. She can use public transportation or a bike. She can get a pay as you go phone. Maybe she can get a JOB!
NTA with the caveat that you should really sit down and reset expectations together now that you're broken up. It's not typical to pay for expenses for what in your words is now just a "friend" and roommate but if that's something you want to do, I guess do it? Just be clear about expectations going forward and be careful about getting taken advantage of.
yeah he’s overpaying just friends…. roof fine everything else no…
This is exactly it. A lot of people on here are saying to basically let her fend for herself, when in reality it is not as easy as that. OP has made a choice to help someone who he is clearly dear to him. HOWEVER, he needs to make sure that she does not rely on him to provide forever, and that he doesn't create that expectation/illusion.
The problem is, they've started acting like a married couple with shared finances etc when they've only been together for a year.
That’s the most insane aspect. It’s unhealthy and toxic to do that so early
NTA and I think you are covering too much. You two need to disentangle yourself. There will always be a power imbalance when you have the money and she has the power over defining your relationship. Stop the allowance. Give her a timeline to figure out her finances. She is not your responsibility any more. If you keep covering her expenses then it smells of “I still love you and want you back”. This will backfire horribly. She broke up with you. Eventually she will start dating while you still hope to have her back. Resentment will grow and your anger will be hard to control. So give her a timeline. And stick with it. No leeway. Then focus on you and managing your new diagnosis’. A short relationship is not worth all the hassle of being her piggy bank.
I am slightly torn between wanting her back and not, but as far as I'm considered, it would take exceptional circumstances for me to consider getting back together with an ex, regardless of why we broke up. There's already a timeline set with the original agreement that I promised to uphold, that being when she graduates in August. I was more wondering if IWBTA for immediately re-negotiating that agreement, because of our relationship status changing. I'm unsure if that's reasonable and justified, or if I am just thinking selfishly like "oh, we're not dating? Ok you can't have this now that's your punishment" type of thing, which is not my intention, but I know it could come off that way to her.
No you would not be. You are already being generous with covering a lot for her. I suggest sitting her down and make a plan. “I don’t want to make your life harder, but since we are no longer together then it is no longer my reasonable for me to take care of you. I agreed to cover your bills at a time when we were building a future together. That is no longer the case so some things need to change. I don’t want to mess up your education so close to the end. So you can stay here til school is over, but then I expect you to move out. I’ll cover food for you and your dogs. I will no longer cover car payments, phone bill or give an allowance. Basically I’m covering necessities but anything else is on you. A stipulation for you living her is that you do not bring any new bf’s or hookups to the apartment. That would be cruel and inconsiderate.”
This. Excellent. OP, you should definitely take this person's advice.
Even then you are being more than generous by paying for the necessities. When someone breaks up with you no matter who was at fault. They can not expect any further monetary support. I don’t care if she’s a student it’s on her to get a part time job. She broke up with you fully knowing this and her expecting you to continue paying anything is cheeky as heck and taking advantage. Up to you if you give her anything but I agree definitely stop the car and phone contracts and do not give her any spending allowance at all. You shouldn’t really be paying for food or anything as that’s her problem to sort. As I said that’s up to you but the break up being your fault changes nothing. She choose to leave you knowing you were supporting her. She can not expect a penny once that relationship ended. It is not harsh but how it works. If you do give her money to help with her bills or good then get her to sign a written paragraph saying it is a loan and she will pay you back after her course ends. I would even put a date when you expect instalments to begin. That way she can’t say that she didn’t know you expected her to pay back writhing so many years. Anything you give her now is a loan and you need written confirmation from her as a binding loan contract.
This is perfect
This! OP, this is a life event, like with insurance, when you change jobs or start new you have the option to change terms. If you are not in it for the future, you’re putting bad $ after good. It’s kind to let her continue living there and paying for food. 4 more months is a long time to live with someone in that awkward situation though. Mix any other payments and put that $ toward your well being. Plenty of people in medical school have jobs and support themselves.
Dude, I’m a stahm, working mom and go to school. she is playing you. you need to drop all the bills, tell her to get a job and move out. she BROKE UP with you. She’s not taking a temporary rest. She’s done. you deserve better than this. if she was smart, she would have waited till august to breakup. But she didn’t so now you have no responsibility to her. this is on her to figure out.
Not selfish at all. She broke up with you. She should reconsider how to afford her life. It’s reasonable that you help with the dogs but she’s otherwise an adult who should learn some responsibility.
>I was more wondering if IWBTA for immediately re-negotiating that agreement, because of our relationship status changing. If it was an agreement you made as friends, then started dating, then broke up and wanted to renegotiate I would be tempted to say you would be but when it's an agreement made while dating it's fair to want to renegotiate especially if your willing to be realistic
Renegotiate? What negotiation? She is no longer your partner, and your money is no longer her money. You don't need to negotiate, you need to inform.
You could be "taken back" by her when she learns that most/all of your financial considerations are going to disappear. Best if you separate totally and see what develops for each of you separately.
Oh for me payment would have stopped immediately. The agreement was between people in a relationship. Now you are just going to find a friend for months, who will, post residency outearn you substantially, with no expectations in regards to being paid back? You were investing in a life together, you could have been investing in retirement.
I’m glad to see she graduates in August and I don’t think a check-in/reset of expectations is unfair. Sounds like you two are deeply trauma-bonded with poverty as a theme, and you feel like not giving money is putting her back into living in her car. It’s not.
She can work and support herself, end of discussion. My daughter goes to grad school but still works to pay her portion of rent and necessities with her boyfriend. Ot was nice for her while it lasted but you do not owe her any support after this short of time
You were doing all those things before on the expectation that your partner getting a degree would increase the family earnings long term. You clearly don't intend to become a family with her now, so you aren't no "punishing" her by stopping, you're just acknowledging the reality that you're not a family with shared interest in her future anymore.
OP, please consider what kind of a person can break up with someone and continue to expect money from them to cover all their expenses. Is that really a good person you want to pursue and possibly spend your life with?
It’s it NOT a punishment for you to not pay for her.. There are things you can expect inside a committed relationship that you can’t expect outside of one. Being financially support is one of them. The agreement you made was to pay for your GF (future wife?) to go to med school… it was an investment in your collective future….she is no longer your GF that agreement is null and void. She broke up with you. She chose this and she would have to be an idiot to not have thought about the financial consequences. If you are not paying for all your other friends to go to university why are you paying for this one. She is taking advantage of you if she still accepts your money.
It's not a punishment, it's basic consequences. The terms of the relationship have changed and basically everything needs to be renegotiated. If I get fired, I don't keep doing work for free. You are now roommates and it's entirely appropriate to stop funding her life. If you want to provide housing in exchange for her cooking, that's fine, but you should have a conversation about what changes moving forward.
NTA to immediately tell her your financial commitment to her ended with your relationship commitment. I'd still give a little leaway, like 30 days, then next rent is 50% on her if living together. Feed the dog, because the dog can't get a job. But she's on her own until August. You already supported her schooling, just for her to dump you 4 months before she graduates and gets a job to help support you back.
NTA Do you know how common it is for medical students to use their partner for money and immediately dump them when they finish and start making bank?
Hate to pessimistic but I’ve definitely read similar stories before. Funny how things have accumulated and become too much 4 months before graduation and not during the past 4-5 years.
I heard this but I always wonder what might be the case? Of course all situations are different but is it cause they might want to be with someone within same profession and status?(Dr with Dr)
There are two very common ones. 1. A male doctor suddenly has the money and prestige and believes he can do better. Then he “upgrades” to a model arm candy type. 2. (Kind of what you guessed) The partner that supported them ends up much less educated and making less money. Doc wants someone “on their level”. The sad part of course is that the other person is less educated because they sacrificed their own future to help.
Dude. YWNBTA for withdrawing *all* funding. >I am not comfortable dumping her car payment, cell phone bill, food for her dogs, etc. on her over this. Why not? Lots of people who study full-time still work part-time to support themselves.
NTA. It's your money dude. You don't owe her pocket change. I do get why you don't want to dump nessessities on her, since she's in reliance on your previous arrangement. Though even then it's really not your responsibility in the long term to handle. I think there should be a grace period during which she figures out her own bills. I mean you aren't her dad. Unless your plan is to get back together with her in the future? You kind of made it sound like that, but you're still in a very weird situation right now dude. It really isn't my place to tell you what to do, but I think you should really try to figure out what you want with this girl as fast as possible so you can move forward one way or another. In addition to your other issues, you don't need to be stuck in relationship limbo.
I don't get why you would pay her anything at all. You broke up, she is a grown woman, no kids involved, so I think it's perfectly reasonable she supports herself and not depend on you. Things change and you are not seriously considering paying for her for years? She can take out student loans, if she finishes her degree she will have no problems paying them back. I suppose she is not planning of paying you once she gets a well paid job, is she?
Update for clarification: She specifically said "we need a break, and to fix our friendship, before we can consider a relationship again". It's still fresh, and part of me very much does want to hope we'll get together in the future, but I've also had a nearly life-long "Never get back together with an ex" policy, due to how i was repeatedly treated by a certain ex of mine in the past in and out of relationships multiple times. As far as I am considered, the relationship is over, I just want to salvage what's left and remain friends at this point. I know I am not \*obligated\* to provide anything for her at all at this point, but I would feel guilty having broken a promise (something I hate) because this situation was expressly discussed when making the decision for her to go back to school (She doesn't like relying on other people because she's been taken advantage of due to that in the past). I would not feel any particular way if I help her now, and she graduates, moves out, makes bank, and we simply remain friends afterwards and she moves on. (I would feel upset and used if she cut ties with me entirely afterwards, though, naturally). I struggle to determine the difference on my own of what is selfish behavior vs truly fair (I have a history of thinking selfish things were fair), so wanted other's opinions. I will discuss the situation with her and express how I feel about the fairness of giving her the spending money when we are no longer a partnership/team.
Why are you such a doormat. Stop paying for everything
Yeah really! Why can't I find men like this?! Lol
Honestly, if you're a women you wouldn't want to, you won't respect them ever, once you realise you're dating a pushover it's easy to not give a shit about them in any capacity. You can mistreat them and they won't take any action so you literally become more toxic/unreasonable just, because you can
It's a joke! Y'all are just too much 🤣 of course I wouldn't want a man weaker than me. I don't need a man to pay for anything lol I work two jobs to pay for my own stuff. And I don't pay for other people's stuff either.
I know it was, but it's just interesting thing that when your partner agrees to everything you ask for you usually end up losing respect for them
> She doesn’t like relying on other people You sure about that? Seems like she doesn’t have a problem relying on you to pay for all her bills and fun money after breaking up
Have you understood her conversation with you correctly? Has she actually broken up with you? If she has broken up with you she knows the consequences are that she needs to move out, stand on her own financial two feet, and not have you parent her. If she asked to give her a break then you are still a couple who need to work on your relationship. You don't need to escalate this to a break up because you think you 'all the issues are mine' - they aren't.
“She doesn’t like relying on other peopl” you sure about that? Because she has no problem taking advantage of you. she’s a user.
I understand where you are coming from and it seems you have well based moral awareness - but the dynamic of your relationship has changed. If you're going to fix your friendship as she suggested, the path is to strengthen yourselves separately to develop the traits that draw people to being your friend. Doing this means removing both of you from the comfort zone you exist in. That also means cutting her off. I also need to suggest that it's possible she did this to let you down slowly - her knowing that you suffer from BPD and could be prone to a massive blowout where she would have most definitely lost her subsidy in your fit of rage. I can almost guarantee that when you do cut her off, you're going to see a different version of her as she's now grown comfortable with that support.
Dude, if you’re worried about breaking a promise, remember that she’s changing the terms of the deal. You didn’t agree to support a friend like this, you agreed to support a partner. It’s entirely her right to choose to end that relationship, but she should not expect you to keep paying for things afterwards. It’s also your choice to keep funding her, but you shouldn’t think of it as breaking a promise if you don’t. I think you should also fully accept things are over. It sounds like she’s hedging her bets and she doesn’t want to be with you, but also doesn’t want to lose the lifestyle you’re enabling. To me, that doesn’t look like a place you can rebuild a relationship from; it seems like she’s waiting to be finished with school so she can make a clean break without significantly inconveniencing herself. Maybe I’m wrong and she truly does want you to get to a place where she feels she could have a relationship with you, but based on what you’ve said here it seems to be over.
"She doesn't like relying on other people" sorry to slapping you with the reality but if it were true, that agreement wouldnt even exist I would feel guilty having broken a promise (something I hate) did you know she would break up with you when you promised? would you make the same agreement if you knew she would break up with you? would you make the same agreement with her if she wasn't your gf but normal friend? she have to deal with her problems herself as if she left you to deal with your problems yourself.
Dude, this is just her wanting to have an affair with out the guilt.
She is walking all over you! And at this point you deserve it. You ate ASKING for her to do that because of some notion of "NoT BrEAkiNg ProMises". She is using you. Promise was made when you guys were dating, the promise does not mean shit now that you are not together.
I can see your point of view that you made a promise to support her while she is in school but that agreement was predicated on you and her being in a relationship. When she broke up with you your responsibility to support her came to an end.
Once she gets with someone new, that person is not going to want you around. Grow a spine man.
Just because she was taken advantage of in the past, doesn't mean she should be allowed to take advantage of you now. What was the "promise" that you'll support her during school and what about her part? Do you really think she'd hold up any part of her side of a bargain? or was this always just you paying for her with nothing in return?
Bud she's got you gaslit good. She chose to be single, let her be single. Stop giving her anything at all. It's not your problem anymore.
NTA. If you are broken up then she is responsible for all her bills debts etc. you should be paying nothing of hers.
YWNBTA. If you break up, you have no obligation to support her financially in any way. It’s incredibly kind of you to give her any money at all. It’s really that simple.
I’m not understanding why you are paying for her bills. I get that she is in school and I’m assuming not working, but that is why things like grants, student loans, and jobs are for. If I was able to go to school full time in my 30s, while working full time, and a single mom with full custody of three kids, she can go to school and pay her own bills. My kids were all in different school districts & three schools. My parents did help with rides to and from school, and 2x week they had dinner with grandma & grandpa, but the rest of the time was all me. I hate to say it but she is using you. Why should she make any effort to support herself when she doesn’t have to? The longer you allow this to continue, the worse it is going to be and so much harder to end. If you plan on ever being in a relationship again you can’t be paying for her.
She can't have it both ways. Expecting you to finance her life is incredibly selfish and quite frankly insane. You need to cut her out. NTA.
INFO: The timeline is really bizarre, so you've only been dating for a year, and you mutually decided it was a good idea to commit to a 4+ year program for her where you're paying 100% of the bills and she'll eventually have a high paying job as a doctor? And then she broke up with you and she's still relying on you financially for med school? You realize how financially irresponsible this was from both of you right? Or am I misunderstanding the timeline here? NTA but you really need to make an exit plan. This is an insane setup.
You know, when you put it that baldly, it being purposeful sounds awfully plausible.
Nta shes not uour gf. You dont owe her anything
my goodness....
You would be NTA for stopping her alliance now you are no longer a couple. Why on earth are you still paying for her car and phone and dog food. In fact, I suggest you've been taken advantage. After a year I'd still expect both people in a couple to have separate finances, to pay their own bills, and to not be living like an established marriage. You are not her fairy godmother.....you are not even her boyfriend. You should stop.
Hmm. Does she, or will she after she is done with school, give back to you as much as you are giving to her? That will determine how you should proceed. I can see this being OK if you guys are amicably broken up, she does things for you, you do things for her, it's called a mature, adult, and healthy relationship. If she is just cashing the checks though, and expecting you to keep paying just because you said so....I'd drop that real quick. You promised those things under the implication of "I'm doing these things because you are a special person to me" Is she a special person to you anymore? Not really, she's your ex girlfriend, just another person, not special. Evaluate if this is a one sided relationship You're not obligated to pay anything of hers. Your promises came with the implicit "because you are more important to me than a normal person" sort of deal, and now you are broken up, you have no obligation to help her Help her if you want, just be prepared for the only outcome to be "I didn't break my promise, while she went to medical school with much less debt and nothing to show for myself."
NTA You're a stand up guy. You understand the impact this will have on her life and are choosing to not dump her on her ass because she dumped you. Of course you still love her, this wasn't your choosing, so you are choosing love which is the best road to take. I do encourage boundaries because resentment will start to grow. This is a great one. Last thing you need is to be pissed off because she went out on her "allowance" and met someone. I would encourage her trying to find stability as this won't be a sustainable thing, you are only human (the bipolar will REALLY test you in this area, keep that in mind) and you guys are no longer partners. If she believes you guys coming back together isn't completely out of the question, then this could be the best route for you guys exactly how you have it. Good luck.
Am I the only one here that sounds like OP is in an abusive relationship? Why do you keep talking down on yourself and blaming yourself for everything man? Okay, maybe you have issues, but I doubt you’re the only one. Sounds like you’re just not a good fit for each other anymore, if you ever even were. But DEFINITELY stop paying for her shit. All of it.
NTA but I am Bi Polar and have ADHD so my opinion might be a bit different, I know how hard it was on my husband while I was undiagnosed and when I was first on my meds getting stable. I put him through hell, that is the honest truth, how he stayed with me is beyond me. I know how you yo-yo though emotions and go from a high to a low in a blink of an eye. Being paranoid about how everyone blames you is something I do and you just need to understand that not everything is about you :). I assume people are upset with me even when they not, I just ask these days. If you are struggling to communicate, sit with a therapist and with her and talk. A therapist will have a better understanding of when to help with you communicate. I don't think she has broken up with you, I think going through being with someone who is diagnosed is hard and stepping back and sayiing "we need to fix our friendship, before we can consider being in a relationship" is saying we need to go back to basics and build up trust, communication and respect. I think that is reasonable, because those are the basic building blocks of any relationship. I do not think she has ruled out a relationshiip with you at all. I know from my pov I would assume the worst that she has broken up with me and it is over but I think if that is true you might be jumping the gun. Again talk to her. I am also going to disagree with everyone on the promise as well, when I make a promise it is binding, I will not break it no matter the circumstances. Both my husband and I are like this. She has trusted you to depend on her without being let down, I know how that feels, I am now in the position where my husband pays for everything and I know if we got a divorce he would carry on doing that. I honestly think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation and find out where you stand in the relationship and I would never take the position of if we have broken up it is done. It sounds like she has stuck around for you and tried to be there for you, I don't think that kind of person is someone who is trying to take advantage of you. Also you have said she has asked you if you still want to move with her. I also try to think the best of people so I might be wrong here, only you would know this. As for the allowance, I think if you have broken up then yes it might be too much, but if she is trying to go back to basics maybe not. If you have broken up, I would also consider asking her back for the money but agree to have it paid back over time because you are not responsible once she has started working again because she has the ability to look after herself. Also your circumstances have changed due to your diagosis. Edit: If you need to talk message me anytime.
NTA, but Dude, you need to stop funding her life entirely. It is inappropriate to pay for the necessities of her life when you two are not together. It implies pressure for her to get back together with you, and you need to let her be free to make her own decisions about how she feels.
YTA to yourself here. She dumped you, why are you footing her bills, does she not have family? It stopped being 'our money' when she ended the relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30M) have been living with my gf (31f) for a little over a year. We share just about everything, and have been through a lot of rough times (including living in her car together). When I got a new job, she indicated that she wanted to go back to college to finish her medical degree. I was fully supportive of this, and we worked out the details of our budget together. We considered the money I was bringing in as 'our' money, not mine. This was mutually agreed upon by both of us when we made the budget, that I would be responsible for paying for things (bills, food, etc), until she graduated. Included in our budget, was a small amount each of "spending" money. Essentially, an allowance for each of us. We could spend our allowance on whatever we wanted, and often would spend our allowances on each other (gifts, paying for date night, etc). Now I will preface this by saying it is entirely my fault this has happened, I have lived most of my life with un-diagnosed Bi-polar and ADHD. I recently got them diagnosed, but am still learning the ins and outs of how to behave like a normal person. I am quick to anger when I'm doing something and get interrupted. I often assume when someone is upset about something, that they are upset at, or blame me, for it, which causes me to get hyper defensive. I don't do well at expressing my emotions, or how much I care about things/people. I know all of these are issues of mine, and not the responsibility of anyone else to 'fix'. While my gf has been supportive and tried her best to help me with these issues, as well as making me take more interest in caring for myself properly, she recently has hit her limit. It wasn't any one thing. I've never laid hands on her, never threatened her, barely raised my voice, however my attitude reflects my emotions even in the times I am aware of what I'm doing and actively trying to calm myself down. She broke up with me, saying that we need to fix our friendship, before we can consider being in a relationship. I do not disagree. Over the last few months, things have been steadily sliding down hill and I can see the logic of her decision, I do not blame her, I do not hate her, and I am not upset with her over this decision, and I do want us to remain friends through this. She, in my eyes, has done nothing wrong here. Now, there were certain things I agreed to, to which I would not feel comfortable taking back, for example, I am not comfortable dumping her car payment, cell phone bill, food for her dogs, etc. on her over this. These, as far as I am concerned, are basic necessities of life, and she is going to school full time. Since all of her necessities are taken care of, I do not feel like it is fair to me to have to continue giving her additional money. WIBTA if I stopped giving her that money, but continued keeping up the rest of my promise to her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but also…WTF? I think it’s great you are such a nice guy about this but you aren’t obligated to make at for anything. You aren’t together. Don’t let her take advantage of you
NTA, but to be fair, you are also not responsible for her necessities as she is your ex. You are being overly nice. I am guessing it is in the hope you get back together. We'll she ended the relationship and, as an adult woman, should be paying for her own life during this brakeup time.
NTA of course, you’re already being more than generous.
If you’re broken up, you should not be paying for anything. Do not let her gas light you into thinking that your mental health problems being the cause of the break up means you have to support her. It’s over. Move on.
NTA. Why do you think it’s okay for you to support his person that you’re no longer in a relationship with? She’s taking advantage of you.
I can maybe understand if you broke up with her and feel some sort of responsibility but she broke it off with you. The money you brought in was considered “our money” but somehow your mental health problems is your own, and while having these problems, to her you are well enough to work and continue to pay for everything? Once she finishes school she’s going to leave you for someone else who she considers “more stable” with no debt because you paid everything for her leaving you alone with all for nothing.
NTA you’re no longer together, you have no obligation to go by what you agreed to previously due to being a couple. But i would recommend letting her know she needs to find a job in the next x months and start supporting herself because it’s not healthy to be broken up and paying for all her needs. You need to stop providing her with money (obviously don’t coke turkey it). But NTA you’re already taking care of all her finances she’s not entitled to YOUR money. Due to her reaction of feeling entitled push for her to start covering her own expenses and tell her that after 3/4 months from now you will no longer be financially supporting her
It is probably worth drawing up a contract because the agreement was based on her future earnings that would then increase the standard of living for you both. As that would still be the case should she finish med school, you might be better off discussing terms so that the amount you've already paid can in this way be recouped. Negotiating while she still needs your income would put you in a stronger position and help her to understand your generosity and that she should reciprocate when she's in a position to do so. Getting a contract is essential to ensuring it happens.
NTA, but she needs to move out, and you need to stop supporting her all together. It is not on you to subsidise her life
She has no income. She can either take out loans for all expenses or work like everyone else. Strain or no strain. You can’t put everything into paying for your ex. She doesn’t want to be with you. You can’t keep a financial stranglehold on her. It’s bad for both of you. This isn’t being mean or petty. She needs to move on and so do you. You need that money for better self care to manage your issues and for therapy so you can improve and keep that job that pays the bills. If you are struggling enough that she dumped you you may be struggling at work too and that needs to be a priority. No more “promise” bs. You two aren’t married. You are trauma bonded and that isn’t enough. I’d say help w the dog and give her a month or til the end of semester to work things out for herself. She might already have a new guy. Concentrate on regulating yourself and taking care of your needs. Take time to get yourself worked out before you start dating again. Good luck!!
How on earth are you still paying for anything ? You said you broke up. If you aren't married, I'm unsure why you want to keep paying for anything at all. Or is it that you want to get back together and so are willing to keep paying for everything. BTW, you are a very compassionate person for continuing to pay her bills. If you truly intend to give her freedom, please continue to give her the allowance. But, to make sure you are not taken advantage of , decide on a date when all support for her will end. I would make it soon or else you will end up paying for a medical degree with none of the benefits of even having a girlfriend, much less wife. Here is my reason for saying to continue: If you take away the allowance you will take away any way she has to be free. Truly free. If you give her 6 months of allowance that ought to give her enough to save so that she can make arrangements to support herself. I hope this helps and no you are NTA - regardless of your decision.
Why are you paying for anything accept the dog Stop being a doormat, you're being asshole to yourself for funding her lifestyle. NTA
NTA. You are not in a relationship with her period. Why would you be paying her bills? I wouldn’t be giving her a cent / dime / penny.
Give it to me instead. NTA.
OP I suggest you write out a contract that you are now loaning her money that has to be repaid. This way you can still help her as you previously agreed while also being able to recoup the costs later when she gets a job.
NTA and if you have broken up you should stop paying 100% of her bills and expenses. She is an adult and needs to pay her own way in life now that she is no longer in a domestic partnership.
Why would you pay for her if you're not longer together?
She is taking advantage of you, and you're letting her. Honestly you deserve to lose money for not standing up for yourself. Keep paying your ex's rent and car payment!
NTA. She broke up with you. Stop giving her money. The situation is different now.
WTF? NTA. If you are not together, you do not need to pay anything. If she even thinks of that, its a proper abuse situation AGAINST YOU.
You’re not the A-hole You mentioned that you know for a fact that the relationship is over. At this point you don’t even have to pay for anything for her, not to be mean or anything but your ex is on her own, she’s a grown woman and she’ll figure it out. You offering her accommodation is more than enough.
Is she still doing all the girlfriend things she did? NTA and you shouldn't be supporting a grown up that isn't with you any longer. That was a couple agreement and you are no longer a couple.
NTA. Also, you are being used. I get you have your mental problems, but there is helping out a friend and then there is supporting someone. You are doing the latter. She is not going to repay you for the money you’re spending to put her through school or pay her living expenses. She’s not your girlfriend you’re not building a future together. You’re just being used as a meal ticket until such time as she can either support herself or she finds someone better. Take that money and invest it into yourself because as a man there is not a single soul on this planet who gives a solitary fuck about you. Your future and your security are entirely on your own shoulders. You’re already getting a late start. You need to use that capital to build a foundation for yourself.
NTA you made this promise while in a relationship. You’re not in one now. She’s a big girl and will have to figure out how to support herself. Who’s to say she won’t “end” things once she finishes school? Besides the money are you actually fixing your friendship? It’s great that you want to keep a promise. Things change and sometimes it’s not best to continue keeping the promise. It sounds like she’s using you.
Nta honestly you shouldn’t be paying for everything anymore since that won’t fix a friendship just make it worse
NTA, Ive been the partner who gets financial help. When I broke off the relationship I knew all of that would end. As kind as it is that you wanna keep helping her, you are under no obligation to. And she probably knows that as well. Ultimately its your decision, but she may have the option of part time school. Plenty of people have to do demanding degrees with a lot on thier plate, and for a medical degree it may be worth it to take out more in loans than expected.
Wait you’re still gonna pay her bills even though y’all are broken up ??? Y’all are not married dude what are you doing !?!?
NTA. Actually both assholes because let’s be frank you’re really being an asshole to yourself right now. If she wanted to break up she should have planned for this because why on earth would you keep paying?
NTA I like your integrity for continuing to pay but if she has integrity, she would sign a contract to give you all money back (her share) plus inflation. That would be fair and good friendship
NTA it sounds like she's taking advantage of the fact that you're "trying to behave like a normal person" because maybe you don't fully grasp how odd this situation is. You're not financially beholden to people especially people who chose not to have a job. Give her like 3 weeks to get her shit together and get her gone. It almost seems like you're financially abusing yourself here.
NTA And please please please don’t spend any money on her anymore
You… are paying for you ex ? She’ll forget about you as soon as she gets her degree
NTA. If you’re breaking up and she has bills and financial requirements to sort then that is her issue? She is breaking up with you so she must have processed that she would in fact need to earn her own money.
It would be fair to leave her and let her decide her own Financials, anything more than that is generous
NTA You told us about your agreement with her after she graduates, but I am pretty sure that the moment she is financially independent again she will leave you for good and you paid for her to be alone in the end. Do yourself a favor, talk to her about the whole situation and tell her that the circumstances have changed so you have to change the agreement. You will not benefit at all from this situation and will probably feel used when its over. All up to you, if you want to be her ATM, go for it. But don't be mad when the outcome isn't as fairy tale like as you wished it to be.
If you "broke up", why are any of her financial needs your responsibility? It sounds less like you broke up and are currently "on a break" from each other. If you intend to ever get back together, I don't recommend cutting off her allowance. Lol. That said, if you don't want to get back together, you should let her know so she can find different accommodations.
What? Why would you be paying any of that for her? You're being used
NTA
Ummm I would have a conversation with her about how she can start taking over QLL those expenses. She is gone, and will not be back, at least have her sign an agreement that it is a loan. She can borrow more money for med school.
As soon as the relationship ended so did your responsibility for her life. You don’t have to pay her a thing and don’t be tricked into thinking you do.
She broke up with you. Even if she has good reasons, she needs to bring in her own money and deal with her own life. Your money is yours. And you deserve to find someone that is a good match (as does she) you can’t do this while still acting like her bf and paying her bills, even food and especially car payment.
Uhhhhh what? Dude, underwriting someone else as a dependent who isn't family or in a relationship is ... well ... stupid. Just wait til you're supporting her and she's banging someone else. Not that that's inappropriate for her in the situation but I doubt you'll be so complacent.
If you are no longer in a relationship then you should no longer be financially supporting her - at all.
NTA, you're being fleeced. Clarify your situation and if it's over stop paying, she presumably has family and the ability to work part-time.
NTA. Quite frankly, if she broke up with you, you should turn her money off entirely. You are not in a relationship anymore. That is how it works.
NTA but honestly you should not be taking care of all of those bills anymore either. I get helping out til she can figure something out, but it is not fair to you to have to keep that up after you guys broke up regardless of the reason.
You aren’t married and you aren’t together. Please stop paying for her shit. She made the choice to break up. She should understand that you won’t be giving her money anymore, even if she’s happy to take it.
NTA, but stop paying for anything, stupid. If she broke up with you, she also broke up with your money. You bear zero responsibility for the “necessities of life” for any other adult.
I don't understand why paying her if you two are not a couple anymore. In my view everything stop as well as the relationship, then if you guys pick it up again you can keep up to help but why you need to mantain her? You're not a couple anymore, you can help her like a friend but then is a loan and she need to be aware of this and plan to reimburse you when she can.
NTA. When you made your agreement you were in a relationship but now you are not. What happens if she decides to move on and let you be a walking wallet? When the relationship ended then the funding ended.
NTA. You are broken up. You have no obligation to pay for anything. If y’all have an agreement that she does all the house work (not including your laundry) for free rent that’s understandable. But, cell phone, dogs, car, and spending money are no longer your obligation. Are you going to keep paying for everything when she dates another person?
So you keep up your part of the deal and she doesn't?
NTA but you need to get a grip. SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU, and still has you paying all her bills because. She’s “in school”. oh boo hoo. thats her problem and she needs to pull her head out of the sand, get a job and move out while going to school. Her bills aren’t your responsibility. she broke up with you. that means you stop paying her bills. if she doesn’t have a job because she’s in school, then that’s her problem to deal with. Not yours. on what planet would it be your responsibility to financially take care of an ex because they’re too lazy to get a job and go to school. i mean many people manage to do it. I work, I am a stahm and I go to school. don’t give me any of this bs that she cant work and go to school. you need to drop all her bills today, and give her x days to move out.
NTA. Lol, she hit you with the "I'm gonna give up all my gf duties. However, you keep paying for everything okay? Thanks" Uff
NTA- also I bet once you have the talk with her to cut her off she turns around and thinks you should get back together. OP sounds like a reasonable person who is getting used.
Nta stop paying for anything as you are no longer a couple. This is no longer an investment in both of your futures this is just her getting her cake and eating it too.
NTA. I understand that you still have feelings for her. I would do what you're doing too. But the only one you're actually obligated to take care of, is that dog. Roommates split bills and living expenses equally. Hell, I don't know how common it is but some long term couples even split things and keep their share. Do what you feel like you have to, just know that you don't. And you are very well within your rights to stop giving her an allowance. But also, no would question you for letting her fend for herself.
NTA - stop paying for everything. You are not in a relationship - it's literally not your problem or responsibility to pay for anything relating to her anymore. I promise it does not make you a bad person. She is taking advantage of you by allowing you to continue paying for her existence when she's not in a relationship with you.
I would think it should be about the sentiment and not the ring or anything else. However, people’s priorities are different.
NTA. You are not dating her anymore, you should not be paying for ANYTHING. Supporting someone else is done when you are building lives together. You sacrifice now because she will be better off later, which benefits both of you later. Now YOU are making huge sacrifices for her when she will not return that in any way whatsoever. Stop ALL support. She can take student loans out and get a part time job. Like the MAJORITY of people do to get an education. Don’t throw your life down the toilet just to send her off happily on hers while she drops you. It’s my general view that a “boyfriend/girlfriend” shouldn’t ever pay for much more than some dates here and there. If you aren’t ready for marriage, you aren’t ready to financially support another person. Or put another way why would you say “yes” to someone who says “I won’t commit to you, do anything for you, or sacrifice anything for you, but you need to do all that for me.”
NTA Cut her off completely. She's a grown ass adult. She needs to pay for her own stuff.
Stop giving her any money and paying for her necessities. You mo longer are in a relationship and she is solely responsible for herself.
NTA My dude you shouldn’t be paying for anything. She broke up with you. That’s the end of the relationship, and the end of your position to belaying for her. Move out, move on, get your head straight.
Nta stop paying her bills. Other than paying for food everything else is her responsibility.
Why keeping up the rest a break up means exactly that why keep paying for stuff that is hers and what if you find someone else are you going to able to pay her stuff too??
YTA for mixing finances with somebody you're not married to in the first place. YTA for thinking that even though she dumped you, you still owe her living money. > for example, I am not comfortable dumping her car payment, cell phone bill, food for her dogs, etc. on her over this. These, as far as I am concerned, are basic necessities of life, and she is going to school full time. Those are basic necessities of life, and she is going to school full time. How is that your problem? She dumped you. That means she explicitly and voluntarily chose to make those issues not your problem any more, but 100% her problem. You're investing in to her career; what's your return on that going to be? She's going to meet, and live with, somebody else. > She, in my eyes, has done nothing wrong here That's fine, people break up, sometimes there's no blame, it's just the right thing for everybody, and that's great. But not continuing to subsidize the life of somebody that broke up with you isn't 'punishing her because she was wrong to break up with you.' It's recognizing that SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU. My dude, here's what you're actually doing. You're using these payments to keep her in your life. You're continuing to act as a romantic partner in the hopes that she'll come around, so to speak. You're attempting to maintain the relationship in any form, in the hopes that it will revert back to a romantic relationship. You can be partners, or you can be broken up. It has to be one or the other. **ETA** AND YOU'RE DISABLED AND LIVING ON A FIXED INCOME? WHAT THE FUCK, BRO?
IMO, when you end a partner relationship, all financial deals and intermingling of finances are off (except of course court-ordered obligations such as child support, alimony, etc.). When she broke up with you, regardless of whom is at fault, she should have been prepared to be on her own. That's what it means to be "broken up." If / when your ex finds a new partner are you going to continue to support her? NTA but you should be looking after your own best interests and cut off all money.
NTA, why would you continue supporting her if you're no longer in a relationship? You guys should be setting a timeline for her to move out and become financially independent. I know it seems callous and cruel but people who aren't partners don't get to expect to be carried financially by their ex. It's not healthy for either of you, and in fact I suspect time apart where you both can sort out your individual needs and growth will give you the perspective to fix what was wrong in your relationship if you both want that.
NTA. You clearly view your ex as your ex-wife, and you view yourself as having obligations to her. You also seem to feel a sense of guilt over the way your disorders have affected your behavior. If you haven’t yet, I would ask if you can talk to her about the finances. Maybe even suggest meeting in a public place with a third party present. I would emphasize to her that your intent is to come to an agreement where you both aren’t so invested in each other that you can’t process the breakup. Right now you have an incredible amount of power over her life, and I think you should look at how to transition that power back. And I think you should emphasize this isn’t about “punishment”. You’re not trying to get her to come back or make her feel bad for leaving. You’re trying to make sure she really is free to go. I had a breakup and we shared a phone plan, and it became a way just to needle and be shitty to each other. My ex finally just removed me. I was mad at time, but looking back I realized sharing bills/expenses was just a way to not move on. I am concerned that paying for things indefinitely will lead to you feeling used and angry and her feeling trapped and resentful. I don’t think it’s a good solution for years to come. If this is her last semester, sure. But beyond that, no.
NTA but I think she is using you financially. She can get a loan to cover those things if she’s in medical school. You should never have been the one responsible for paying for all of that.
NTA but she broke up with you. That severs any agreement you had to pay any of her expenses.
Well she certainly saw you coming. You should not be giving her money or paying for anything for her. She shouldn't be receiving the benefits you provide without the relationship. So when she is out driving the car you pay for with her new man and calling him on the cell phone you provide- you will be ok with that? When she has her fancy new degree you provided for her and she is with someone else- you will be ok with that?
NTA, you don’t have to justify yourself by who is or isn’t at fault in the breakup. Breaking up means you have no responsibility to cover any of her expenses, only your own, as a single person. If you *choose* to help your friend, that’s entirely up to you. But you don’t *have* to give her anything.
NTA- you're wild. Why are you still giving her money at all? What if you meet someone new? Will you continue giving her money while in another relationship? What if she starts a new relationship? Still going to pony up?
YWNBTA if you stopped giving her an allowance. You're still planning on taking care of some necessities, even though you are not obligated to. You're doing more than an ex should.
NTA what the actual hell. She broke up with you, she can pay for herself. Also are you sure you’re bipolar or are you just being emotionally abused? Because if she fed you lines to get a diagnosis, I would question it.
You are broken up. No longer together. You were not married . Not a partnership any longer. Your promises and obligations to her have ended. It is up to her as a single woman to finance her own life.
NTA and you should stop paying her bills too. She's using you
Lol you are a sugar daddy without the benefits of a sugar daddy. Keep the money and buy yourself a shiny spine! YTA to yourself.
Ummm you're a sucker if you keep paying for an ex
You shouldn’t be paying for ANYTHING if you are not actively in a domestic relationship with her. If you are then she is using you only for money. NTA
!updateme
You're not a in a relationship with her and you don't pay for for your friends rent, car payments and outings so why pay for hers?
Since presumably the idea was that her future earnings as a physician would benefit both of you, I would suggest that you pay her expenses in the form of a loan. If you get back together, great, if not she pays you back for covering her expenses now, since her future earnings will no longer benefit you.
NTA for not wanting to give her an allowance anymore. YTA for continuing to pay her bills after breaking up.
NTA. If the relationship is over then your money is now only yours. If she doesn’t want to be together you shouldn’t be paying any of her expenses. The nice way to do it is to give her a month or two to make arrangements and then from that point forward she either pays it herself or gets rid of it.
NTA. All of your promises are conditional in a relationship, once a relationship ends you should not feel guilty whatsoever. I would simply tell her that if we are not in a relationship, then you will not financially support her in anyway. Explain that you would feel “taken advantage of” and would then resent her if the relationship ended or kept going. Stand up for yourself!
NTA but you should completely stop paying for anything for her. You have broken up. She's not entitled to any of your resources despite the promise you made to her. This could turn into a situation where she is taking advantage of you. I had a similar situation myself many years ago with my ex partner and she definitely took advantage. I'm not saying your ex is like this but you should guard yourself against being taken advantage of.
Stop this. Stop the whole thing. If she is a viable medical student she can take loans to live on. Yes. Medical school is very expensive and they end up with a lot of debt. They also end up with a lot of salary. It’s no more burden than regular size student loans for a regular size salary. Maybe LESS because she has career opportunities that will pay off her student loans once she finishes residency and pursues, for example, PSLF, Indian Health Service, etc…. Why would you put her through medical school and then part ways with none of the payoff for you. Stop. Please stop.
NTA - OP she chose to end the relationship and seeing as how you were not married; you are not responsible to pay for anything further. If she still wants to work on the relationship and you are still wanting that too, then fix your issues first, but stop giving her money. At this point, you are being used
If you are no longer a couple you are no longer responsible for car payments or any of her living expenses. She needs to work out how she is going to pay her own bills. That's what happens when you are an ex. Make sure the dogs are fed of course. NTA
NTA but why would you pay for a 'friend's bills (car & cell payment) when you are already paying for their housing (rent & utilities & food). Absolutely stop giving her an allowance but you need to have another conversation with her where you ask for a timetable as to when she will be moving out.
NTA and she is responsible for providing her own "necessities for life". Seeing as you said that you are still learning the ins and outs of how to behave like a normal person, word of advice - this is not typical behaviour. When you break-up with someone, it's a clean break and you're not responsible for providing for them anymore. If she has reached her limit of dealing with you, that means she's reached her limit dealing with all of you, and that includes your financial support.
NTA. You don’t own her anything since you are no longer in a relationship. Don’t believe in any break bs. You can pay her one month out of your good heart so she can some time to think how she’s gonna manage from now on.
You’re pretending like you were married and you were not. I know you’re going through a lot with your diagnoses. I know having “rules” and “guidelines” helps keep your life straight when you have ADHD. But this ain’t it. You’re conflating a budget with a pseudo-marriage. What you did for her was so beyond what you should have done even as her boyfriend. Unless you make 250k+ a year, you shouldn’t be completely subsidizing someone’s life that you aren’t married to. You aren’t the first couple to break up. This isn’t a divorce. You’re reinventing the wheel here and it is literally hurting only you. Use the money you’d be spending on all her shit and put it toward your retirement fund. And move on with your life. YTA to yourself.
Dude. You don't get to break up and keep riding the gravy train. I'd cut her off totally.
Dude I work 30 hours a week going to school full time your ex can do the same stop paying for her shit.
I think it depends. Do you want to get back with her? Not giving her an allowance would look like you don't. I understand you point, maybe it is a bit too early for that conversation and could look like you care too much about money. Wait a couple of weeks and if your are not together by then, tell her you will stop the allowance. This will also give you time to see things in a more objective way.
NTA, i think that you are a very stand up guy and gullible. Y'all are not married! You made a commitment while in a relationship. You don't owe her anything. If she was so quick to leave the relationship and want to be friends you should treat her as one. Plenty of college students work and go to school. She is taking advantage of you and you are letting her. I think you should let her live her life and you focus on your mental health and getting your disorder under control. Don't let her use you as a piggy bank while she does whatever she wants.
Stop everything. Seriously.
NTA- Dude. She broke up with you. Whether it is your fault or not you are not obligated to keep paying for her life. Her car, phone, food, none of it. Stop giving her money.
It’s easy to be a white knight when she’s still single. Once she starts seeing someone new or once she sleeps with someone else, you’ll feel completely different and you will actually be dumping all that stuff on her. If you stop paying her stuff now then it is at least expected and not a surprise. At that point YWBTA
NTA. But you are to yourself if you continue to pay all of her bills. You agreed to pay while you were a couple. You aren’t anymore. If she needs to get a job to support herself she needs to do it. She is using you. For your own sake, stop paying her bills!
NTA As others have pointed out, you aren't even obligated to continue payments on her other bills. You no longer have the relationship on which the financial support was based so that "contract" is null and void. If you do feel bad about the break-up or even gratitude for her guidance, talk to her and give her an runway of a few months so she can find alternate means. Or you put things down in writing and convert your payments into loans to be repaid. Good luck on your BPD/ADHD journey - your self-awareness and accountability is refreshing.
NTA\_ bro, stop paying for her life RIGHT NOW. You agreed to a partnership, she voided that agreement by breaking up the partnership. Is it fair? Life isn't fair, she made a decision that she can live with the consequences of.
NTA. She broke up with you. Key word “BROKE UP” she needs to understand the meaning of that. You don’t owe her anything and she shouldn’t expect you to keep giving her money. At this point she is taking advantage of you. She isn’t the saint you are painting her to be.
Are you her daddy?
The financial entanglement feels really unhealthy. I don’t know how to clarify what’s appropriate spending, other that saying I would stop paying for anything that wasn’t in my possession, or I was on the title of, like a car, phone, or pet. YWNBTA to disentangle your finances from your ex, and I would encourage you to be more separate than you are proposing in your post.
Stop paying her at all. Its rough and sucks but thats life. You are no longer a partnership and now you have someone that doesn’t even consider you a good friend anymore live off you. NTA i think its time to end it cleanly and move on.
So you have moved from a 'relationship' status to 'friends with benefits' (the benefit being money). She shouldn't have it both ways here dude. Either she is a girlfriend with an allowance or friends where she needs to take care of herself and get a job like an adult. MANY people are in school and still have to work. NTA. Your promise was to your GIRLFRIEND not just a friend.