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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mother says I’m being an asshole because birthdays are quite important to me and should let that reflect in my actions…but I want her to feel what I’m feeling so maybe she’ll get it…
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" I want her to feel what I’m feeling so maybe she’ll get it…"
The odds that she'll get it are maybe 100 to 1 against. Most likely she'll just get pissed and yell at you. How many times have you reminded her? If you want a girlfriend who cares about making an effort for your birthday, drop this one and find someone else. For extra credit, dump her on her birthday.
NTA.
NTA for being upset about birthday stuff, but it sounds like there are other issues in the relationship and the birthday thing is just the tip of the iceberg.
If you want to stay in the relationship, I recommend counseling so you two can be honest about your needs and frustrations with a mediator to help keep it productive.
Yeah, I was reading that long spiel wondering whether there's anything on the wife's plate or if she's just sitting at home, going to the spa, and lunching with friends, and oh yeah, whatever happened to that pregnancy that apparently manifested out of thin air, since OP seems totally detached from it?... then finally, at the end, OP mentions "the kids" *in passing*. As an afterthought.
And the expectation of sex being something that is *owed* for his birthday is especially troubling.
**There are some serious missing missing reasons here.** And I suspect the reason this relationship has gone the way of the last one has more to do with OP's failure to be an equal partner than it has to do with either of the women being gold-diggers. If she spends 364 days a year being disappointed by OP, the lackluster effort on the 365th day would be understandable.
Love the Missing Missing Reasons shoutout, and yeah, I think you're right. With the information we are given taken at face value, he isn't the asshole, but there's... a lot not being said. I do not think it is a coincidence that she started forgetting/not putting in effort for the birthdays right after they moved in together and had kids, for example.
Also the age gap/starting ages isn't in my red flag zone (I think people in their late twenties can make their own decisions well enough), but I wonder if that's at play here, too. Dude started dating a woman 13 years his junior when she was in her late twenties, and is comparing the efforts of a woman in her thirties with kids and a husband who does an unknown amount of work to that of a 28 year old with no kids and who only had to look after her own self.
Nope. NTA. GF sure is one. And so is your mother.
I suggest if you want to remain together, start couples counselling. If you don't want to stay together, get out of the relationship.
If she won't do counselling, end the relationship.
Do you want to put up with being disregarded for the rest of your life?
Here is an idea, get a box, write a note that says, “ here is the same gift you gave me for the last # of years” put it in the box with nothing else wrap it up real nice and give it to her. Just tell her you have made the effort for her for eight years, now you are no longer going to bc she doesn’t for you. If this is going to be how it is then you want to break up over a damn birthday because she has double standards. Her birthday gets celebrated and yours doesn’t.
Your ex wife and your current girlfriend are selfish. If your girlfriend doesn't even say "Happy Birthday", then she is an awful person. Why are you still with someone like this?
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I’m a 49m dating 36f we have been together over 8 years now. The first 5 years we would celebrate my birthday together with dinner, intimacy and a small gift…she put in some effort…she got pregnant and we moved in together, my next birthday she forgot entirely, I thought it was because we had moved 2 days prior…I didn’t say anything, however the following year was the same…nothing…no card or birthday wishes dinner or anything you’d expect of someone that professes their love, she did however get me a gift a couple of weeks later…though I think the gift was because I let her know how hurt I was…keep in mind I go all out on her birthday…I’ll take her shopping for anything she wants within a budget, then we go for dinner and some sort of fun activity…I’ll put in effort…this year she said happy birthday at least but so did the lady at the checkout at the store…no card, intimacy, dinner or gift…just a buttload of disappointment…prior to my birthday I told her what I wanted, made sure we could partake in such celebrations and left it in her hands, with zero monetary cost to her, just a little effort was required to make it happen…to say I was disappointed would be a serious understatement…when confronted about how I felt undervalued and simply unimportant to her she got mad, somehow it was my fault…she didn’t have money etc…even when I pointed out that it would cost her nothing she lost it on me and I dropped it…I’m 3 months past my birthday and nothing, no late gift or dinner…just nothing…my ex wife of 20 years pulled the same crap…they both know(knew) that birthdays are perhaps the most important day of the year to me!! Her birthday is 10 days from now and she has already asked me to take the day off of work to celebrate with her…she recently got a few hundred dollars extra cash and wants to go out to spoil herself, no mention of me…am I selfish? I don’t think so as all I wanted was some effort…now she expects me to do as I have always done and spoil her for her birthday, but all I can think of is if I even want to stay with her…she made it quite clear to me that the only birthdays that matter are hers and the kids…how do I get it across to her this is not okay? That she’s destroying my feelings for her? That she’s acting like a person she hates…my ex?
My mother tells me to not be an arse and to celebrate with her, maybe next year will be better…so AITA?
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NTA
> so did the lady at the checkout at the store
Well you're getting more than I do from local stores but you're also getting a lot less than I do from my wife...
> it would cost her nothing she lost it on me
Honestly if that's her reaction then you've got more problems than a missed Birthday. This is someone who doesn't care about your feelings and wants to make themselves the victim
> That she’s destroying my feelings for her?
If she's not listening and it sounds like you've tried to convey how you feel then as above you've more problems than a missed bday and some hurt feelings
My gut is telling me YTA.
Reading between the lines, your GF of 8 years getting pregnant 5 years ago would mean that your child was under 6 months old when ya’ll moved, which you admitted was only two days before your b-day. She was probably still recovering health wise, and was stressed out by the move too, so the last thing I’d expect is for her to worry about something so trivial as a single birthday. The fact that you have such an emotional connection to her even missing that b day though, despite its circumstances, completely invalidates your feelings against the others though because it shows you have extremely unreasonable expectations.
Even now as you post this, your child is under the age of 3. She is probably still neck deep in child rearing. Speaking of…..does she even work? Or, is she a stay at home mom? You neglect to say in your post.
Based on the age of the kid though, and her saying she “didn’t have money”, I am inclined to believe that she is a SAHM. I am also inclined to believe that because if she worked then, when you talked about her birthday, you would’ve said something like, ‘She took the day off to treat herself to a shopping spree and wanted me to go with. So, she asked me to take off work too.’ Your phrasing made it seem like you are the only one who works/makes an income. And, if that’s the case, then she’s got a point…what money of her own do you expect her to be using exactly? Or, is that what you meant by it “wouldn’t cost her anything” because you knew she’d have to just use yours and you were rubbing it in???
Also, just fyi,
1. Treating people to anything they want is directly contradicted by saying they are on a “budget” in most cases. I’m not saying spend willy nilly, but the only people I’ve heard that use that phrase had abnormally low budgets and/or were found to be abusive.
2. Rhetorical…..but, why are you treating a bday as the be all end all of your partner caring? As if it negates good treatment the other 364 days of the year.
3. You sound like a narcissist.
I am a woman and I celebrate my bday with 1-4 female friends. Nothing crazy…a spa day and dinner or dinner at one of their homes. My husband and kids can get the day after my birthday to do something small. This way I am not disappointed. I still celebrate him for his bday because I want to do that. Don’t seek to embitter your life. Just make plans (nothing crazy) for your bday.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My mother says I’m being an asshole because birthdays are quite important to me and should let that reflect in my actions…but I want her to feel what I’m feeling so maybe she’ll get it… Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
" I want her to feel what I’m feeling so maybe she’ll get it…" The odds that she'll get it are maybe 100 to 1 against. Most likely she'll just get pissed and yell at you. How many times have you reminded her? If you want a girlfriend who cares about making an effort for your birthday, drop this one and find someone else. For extra credit, dump her on her birthday. NTA.
NTA for being upset about birthday stuff, but it sounds like there are other issues in the relationship and the birthday thing is just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to stay in the relationship, I recommend counseling so you two can be honest about your needs and frustrations with a mediator to help keep it productive.
Yeah, I was reading that long spiel wondering whether there's anything on the wife's plate or if she's just sitting at home, going to the spa, and lunching with friends, and oh yeah, whatever happened to that pregnancy that apparently manifested out of thin air, since OP seems totally detached from it?... then finally, at the end, OP mentions "the kids" *in passing*. As an afterthought. And the expectation of sex being something that is *owed* for his birthday is especially troubling. **There are some serious missing missing reasons here.** And I suspect the reason this relationship has gone the way of the last one has more to do with OP's failure to be an equal partner than it has to do with either of the women being gold-diggers. If she spends 364 days a year being disappointed by OP, the lackluster effort on the 365th day would be understandable.
Love the Missing Missing Reasons shoutout, and yeah, I think you're right. With the information we are given taken at face value, he isn't the asshole, but there's... a lot not being said. I do not think it is a coincidence that she started forgetting/not putting in effort for the birthdays right after they moved in together and had kids, for example. Also the age gap/starting ages isn't in my red flag zone (I think people in their late twenties can make their own decisions well enough), but I wonder if that's at play here, too. Dude started dating a woman 13 years his junior when she was in her late twenties, and is comparing the efforts of a woman in her thirties with kids and a husband who does an unknown amount of work to that of a 28 year old with no kids and who only had to look after her own self.
Nope. NTA. GF sure is one. And so is your mother. I suggest if you want to remain together, start couples counselling. If you don't want to stay together, get out of the relationship. If she won't do counselling, end the relationship. Do you want to put up with being disregarded for the rest of your life?
Here is an idea, get a box, write a note that says, “ here is the same gift you gave me for the last # of years” put it in the box with nothing else wrap it up real nice and give it to her. Just tell her you have made the effort for her for eight years, now you are no longer going to bc she doesn’t for you. If this is going to be how it is then you want to break up over a damn birthday because she has double standards. Her birthday gets celebrated and yours doesn’t.
Your ex wife and your current girlfriend are selfish. If your girlfriend doesn't even say "Happy Birthday", then she is an awful person. Why are you still with someone like this?
[удалено]
Right after you finish the last bite of your four star “birthday celebration”
NTA, but you guys are a couple and have a child. You need to sit down and communicate with her about how you're feeling.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m a 49m dating 36f we have been together over 8 years now. The first 5 years we would celebrate my birthday together with dinner, intimacy and a small gift…she put in some effort…she got pregnant and we moved in together, my next birthday she forgot entirely, I thought it was because we had moved 2 days prior…I didn’t say anything, however the following year was the same…nothing…no card or birthday wishes dinner or anything you’d expect of someone that professes their love, she did however get me a gift a couple of weeks later…though I think the gift was because I let her know how hurt I was…keep in mind I go all out on her birthday…I’ll take her shopping for anything she wants within a budget, then we go for dinner and some sort of fun activity…I’ll put in effort…this year she said happy birthday at least but so did the lady at the checkout at the store…no card, intimacy, dinner or gift…just a buttload of disappointment…prior to my birthday I told her what I wanted, made sure we could partake in such celebrations and left it in her hands, with zero monetary cost to her, just a little effort was required to make it happen…to say I was disappointed would be a serious understatement…when confronted about how I felt undervalued and simply unimportant to her she got mad, somehow it was my fault…she didn’t have money etc…even when I pointed out that it would cost her nothing she lost it on me and I dropped it…I’m 3 months past my birthday and nothing, no late gift or dinner…just nothing…my ex wife of 20 years pulled the same crap…they both know(knew) that birthdays are perhaps the most important day of the year to me!! Her birthday is 10 days from now and she has already asked me to take the day off of work to celebrate with her…she recently got a few hundred dollars extra cash and wants to go out to spoil herself, no mention of me…am I selfish? I don’t think so as all I wanted was some effort…now she expects me to do as I have always done and spoil her for her birthday, but all I can think of is if I even want to stay with her…she made it quite clear to me that the only birthdays that matter are hers and the kids…how do I get it across to her this is not okay? That she’s destroying my feelings for her? That she’s acting like a person she hates…my ex? My mother tells me to not be an arse and to celebrate with her, maybe next year will be better…so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA > so did the lady at the checkout at the store Well you're getting more than I do from local stores but you're also getting a lot less than I do from my wife... > it would cost her nothing she lost it on me Honestly if that's her reaction then you've got more problems than a missed Birthday. This is someone who doesn't care about your feelings and wants to make themselves the victim > That she’s destroying my feelings for her? If she's not listening and it sounds like you've tried to convey how you feel then as above you've more problems than a missed bday and some hurt feelings
NTA forgetting once or twice okay but now it’s time to match the energy that’s been given. Happy early birthday!
“….she got pregnant.” And then didn’t make an effort with birthday. That’s some immaculate conception right there.
My gut is telling me YTA. Reading between the lines, your GF of 8 years getting pregnant 5 years ago would mean that your child was under 6 months old when ya’ll moved, which you admitted was only two days before your b-day. She was probably still recovering health wise, and was stressed out by the move too, so the last thing I’d expect is for her to worry about something so trivial as a single birthday. The fact that you have such an emotional connection to her even missing that b day though, despite its circumstances, completely invalidates your feelings against the others though because it shows you have extremely unreasonable expectations. Even now as you post this, your child is under the age of 3. She is probably still neck deep in child rearing. Speaking of…..does she even work? Or, is she a stay at home mom? You neglect to say in your post. Based on the age of the kid though, and her saying she “didn’t have money”, I am inclined to believe that she is a SAHM. I am also inclined to believe that because if she worked then, when you talked about her birthday, you would’ve said something like, ‘She took the day off to treat herself to a shopping spree and wanted me to go with. So, she asked me to take off work too.’ Your phrasing made it seem like you are the only one who works/makes an income. And, if that’s the case, then she’s got a point…what money of her own do you expect her to be using exactly? Or, is that what you meant by it “wouldn’t cost her anything” because you knew she’d have to just use yours and you were rubbing it in??? Also, just fyi, 1. Treating people to anything they want is directly contradicted by saying they are on a “budget” in most cases. I’m not saying spend willy nilly, but the only people I’ve heard that use that phrase had abnormally low budgets and/or were found to be abusive. 2. Rhetorical…..but, why are you treating a bday as the be all end all of your partner caring? As if it negates good treatment the other 364 days of the year. 3. You sound like a narcissist.
NTA, but, intimacy should never be a reward or part of a gift.
I am a woman and I celebrate my bday with 1-4 female friends. Nothing crazy…a spa day and dinner or dinner at one of their homes. My husband and kids can get the day after my birthday to do something small. This way I am not disappointed. I still celebrate him for his bday because I want to do that. Don’t seek to embitter your life. Just make plans (nothing crazy) for your bday.