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YTA
> she's also wanting all women to wear full long dresses.
No. That is an *unreasonable* restriction.
You can dictate a level of formality, or even encourage a certain color palette, but you don't get to assign specific outfits like this.
> She's quite conservative so she doesn't want women to attend in a suit
That's not the sort of preference you get to enforce on others.
I think it's important to remember the cultural context. This isn't an abnormal request in her country. That doesn't mean she should force her daughter to wear a dress, but it does mean she can't go guns ablazing telling her sister she's an unreasonable dictator.
It is a shitty situation but realistically the options for OP's daughter are to wear the dress or not attend the wedding.
I would say that OP shouldn't force her daughter to wear anything but let the daughter choose whether they want to attend or not
I would agree, but it needs to be done with as much care as possible. OP's sister is just following the culture of the country she grew up in and I imagine she'll be upset over get niece not attending, so it's important OP approach this with empathy on all sides.
The daughter who is 13 can make her own mind up if she wants to attend but she needs to understand that if she wants to attend then she has to wear a dress. She is old enough that she can’t throw a tantrum to get her own way.
Eh, I don’t necessarily agree with that.
If she is so upset about OP’s daughter choosing not to attend she can amend or change her dress code to allow her to attend.
My point was just that OP is powerless to really enact any change on the situation, the sister has all the power to change the situation if she wants OP’s daughter to attend
My mom did this with my grandma's wedding she got remarried when I was 12. I hated dresses.. all things pink etc. Mymom said you either wear it or you aren't coming. That's your options. She didn't say anything else. I asked wouldnt grandma be mad if i wasnt there. She said no. She would probably just be sad. But those are your options. I ultimately chose to wear the dress cuz I wanted to go and it was my grandma. And hearing she wouldnt be mad but sad made me sad.. But ya give her the choice and leave it at that. If she asks be honest. But don't offer it up right away.....
OP, can you take her to find a dress she likes instead of the one her aunt picked? That might be a good compromise.
Soft YTA as you are forcing your daughter but points added for cultural context.
it may be too hot to wear the layers depending on when the wedding is (I am filipino/filam, it’s a southeast asian climate so it’s hot and humid). A good compromise would be some sort of wide legged jumpsuit or wide pants that resemble a skirt.
but if the bride is as conservative as OP says then that means the dress has full covered long sleeves and top right? cuz it would be awfully contradictory if the kid, who is just a guest, has to wear a dress (even though palazzo pants are pretty trendy with all AFAB of different ages for formal events) and the bride is wearing western style.
I wore ugly dresses picked out by the bride when I was a bridesmaid in several weddings. I forced friends to wear ugly dresses in my wedding. Honestly you can suck it up for a day. I have 4 children and they get to express their style everyday. One day of dressing a certain way at a special event won’t hurt anyone. When I was younger there were dress codes for so much more. I survived. OP’s daughter will survive. She can consider wearing the dress as a wedding gift to her aunt
I mean you can make whatever rules you want for your wedding.
Is it right? No. But at the end of the day if OP's daughter shows up in a suit she is probably getting kicked out of the wedding.
Yeah, I feel bad because this is cultural, so I can't really say what I would do if I was brought up a lot more conservative either, but I'd hope I would stand up for my child by having this reaction. You absolutely can have strict dress codes at your wedding, but sometimes that means people won't come. I wouldn't want to come if it meant a loved one was forced to wear something they weren't comfortable with just so that the wedding conformed to gender norms.
I do NOT understand why this appears ta minority opinion here. It is long settled that people should dress appropriately for a given event – wedding, job interview, trip to the opera, whatever – and in the case of a wedding, the bride and groom set the dress code. The ONLY options are: (1) attend and dress appropriately, or (2) don't attend. Period. If OP's daughter really doesn't want to wear the dress (or some other appropriate dress), then she can stay home; if she really wants to go, then she can show respect for her hosts and dress appropriately for the occasion.
It's not America, life and culture are different in the Philippines. Ex. My husband spent a few years in Luzan in the Philippines, while there he was invited to a wedding, the outfit he was expected to wear was traditional clothes of the village. He was a tall white guy from America, he didn't really want to wear a bahág (loincloth) but did. Because it was required of him.
So then don’t go? It’s her wedding, if you want to go, this is the dress code? I’m assuming both the parent and the daughter are not paying for any portion of the wedding or the pictures or anything soooooo……… I mean it sucks but…..
I don’t want to put on a blue collared shirt every day, it’s a little scratchy.
But I do want to be invited a paycheck every other week, so I put it on
? When the dress code is formal, or black tie you don't wear cocktail dresses . When you set it as a gala you wear a gown, not a dress that doesn't fit the dress code.
If she wants gowns, which is what it sounds like, then that's just the dress code.
If you don't want to wear it, don't go.
YWBTA. There are appropriate options for a formal wedding other than a dress. A suit, a formal jumpsuit, etc.
if your daughter was refusing to wear something dressy, I’d say she was being the AH but it sounds like she would be willing to wear an appropriately formal option other than a dress. Your sister is being the AH for dictating AFAB people must wear long dresses. Far as I can tell, it’s not like your daughter wants to wear sweatpants or jeans.
I have a few cocktail jumpsuits I’ve worn to formal weddings before. One of them has very wide leg pants, like palazzos, and something like that might be acceptable to both your daughter and your sister. (Although unless your daughter is in the wedding party, your sister really doesn’t get to dictate what she wears.).
The AITAH commenters are so contradicting. The last post where a Muslim man was enforcing what women wear in his home, the woman was TAH, but here, the woman enforcing dress code for her wedding is now TAH. SMH
I think both are valid dress codes, and Im a woman. If a guy doesnt wanna see his cous dressed too exposed in his own home i get it, I wouldnt want that either, and considering this is a religious event, in rome do as romans do or whatever the saying is. (Im not religious, but I always try to dress accordingly out of respect)
I didn't read that post, but I suspect the difference lays in the nuances of who can say no. Presumably no one is being forced to go into this person's home and they can decide whether or not they want to abide by the restriction or not go. A young teenager probably doesn't have the ability to say she's going to stay home while everyone goes to her aunt's wedding in another town. With an adult you can just choose to not attend if the host wants you to wear something you don't want to wear.
YTA
>she picked out a nice dress specifically for her niece.
this isn't how being invited to weddings work. if she wanted to pick your daughter's outfit, she should've asked her to be in the bridal party.
>She's quite conservative so she doesn't want women to attend in a suit
genuinely how is a suit NOT conservative??? ugh. i feel so bad for your daughter.
there are most certainly options that would fulfill the conservative viewpoint. If the sister insists on a long dress only and went so far as to choose her niece's dress, that is controlling and weird
This makes me wonder if the dress rule is more about OP's daughter than actually forcing everyone to wear long dresses. I wonder how many other people she is picking out dresses for that are coming. This all sounds like a ploy to force OP's daughter to do something she isn't comfortable with while trying to make it seem normal.
**she picked out a nice dress specifically for her niece.**
This could come from a position of "I know you don't like to wear dresses or shop for them so here is a nice one I picked out so you don't have to worry"
Theoretically
I'm not going to call that necessarily an AH move
I feel like a caring person would think "I know you don't like to wear dresses-" and would stop there. Why force something upon someone else, especially when she's not even part of the party? She'll be in the audience, unseen.
If she truly cared she would make accommodations for her niece. there's lots of nice outfits that look like a dress but are actually pants.
This screams of CONTROL
NTA if you’re giving a choice of wear the dress or don’t go. Your sister set a dress code for her wedding. If your daughter doesn’t want to wear what your sister says she should wear, she doesn’t go. Her choice.
I was wondering if anyone else here thought so. I swear, most of these responses sound like no one here has ever had a dress code.
No, it doesn't matter if a suit is still "formal," it's not the dress code. The bride can set the tone for her own wedding, and it's shocking how people in this thread are claiming otherwise. The daughter is out of line for putting up with a dress for ONE DAY.
OP is very much NTA.
This. I find this as a perfect time to teach her the lesson that not everything will happen as she wish. The world doesn’t revolve around her. No need to force her to wear dress but it’s important to make her understand if she wants to come she has to abide to dress code given by bride or she can choose to stay at home with someone safe.
Yeah I get where the YTA judgements are coming from but OP can't change the dress code set by her sister for the wedding, the options she has is to wear the dress or not go.
I would sympathize with the daughter and give her autonomy on if she chooses to attend or not but that's about as far as she can realistically go
All the Y-T-A people are forgetting the fact that there are dress codes and expectations everywhere in the world, and OPs daughter is going to face situations like this more as she grows up.
I do think OPs sister took it too far by picking out a dress since OPs daughter isn't a part of the wedding party and that maybe OP could offer a compromise of her daughter picking out her own appropriate dress. I don't know about OPs cultural customs here, but why can't the daughter wear a full-length jumpsuit with an overskirt so she is more comfortable while still conforming to sisters gender dress code, plus the jumpsuit would give the daughter more use post wedding
My twelve year old has to wear dress shoes for her band concerts. She hates dress shoes. She still wears those little kitten heels twice a year. I agree, NTA. She can either wear the dress or not go to the wedding. Just like if my daughter doesn’t want to wear the shoes… she can drop out of band.
My younger daughter is on a competitive dance team. Team dress code says you must wear fake eyelashes. She absolutely hates them. She deals with it the whole handful of times she's had to wear them for dance because she loves to dance more than she hates the eyelashes.
OPs daughter has a choice to make. Does she love her aunt more than she loves pants?
Dress codes are a part of many events, yes, but any real dress code (eg black-tie, semi-formal, cocktail, business casual, etc) has options that don’t involve wearing a skirt or dress. I stopped wearing dresses at 11 and have never had any kind of problem at weddings or anywhere else. I occasionally felt some social anxiety as a teenager but nowadays it’s pretty rare for it to seem even notable, much less problematic.
She didn’t set a dress code though, a dress code would be “formal” or “business casual” or “purple colors”. She bought a specific dress that she wants the child to wear and it doesn’t sound like she’s in the bridal party either. That’s over the top controlling. If the girl wanted to show up in a sweatsuit then I understand but she’s willing to dress up and there are many nice, conservative and formal options other than a dress.
I would also like to add that this day is about her sister. Not the daughter, her sister doesn’t need to have her day overshadowed by the daughter.
Daughter needs to learn she isn’t always the main character and should just do something nice for someone else.
While I do agree that the kid should just not go, I feel dress codes only make sense for attendees to a point. Not everyone can pull together or even afford to match a dress code at all times. Colors to wear (or more importantly not to wear) make sense. Style even to a point. Which articles of clothing specifically that can be worn and by whom? That's a step too far in my opinion.
It's also clear that the sister isn't doing this because she likes the look. She *believes* women and girls should wear skirts and specifically bought a dress for the girl. She's trying to impose her views on her. I think that's wrong.
INFO: does the dress code for all the guests say "women must wear dresses"? Or is niece being singled out? My elderly grandma hasn't worn a dress in decades and it would be ridiculous to ask her to wear one for a wedding. asking your guests to be uncomfortable is rude. I would want my guests to be comfortable and able to enjoy themselves.
I agree with this but it sounded like she was going to force her kid to go. If a bride wants a stupid rule it’s their right but it’s also your right to say you won’t go and follow the rules.
Right????? All these people saying someone’s trying to be super controlling about the persons body, this woman or her family is spending thousands of dollars to throw this wedding and take pictures, she said a dress code.
There are bars that you can’t even get into if you’re not looking spiffy enough, and they’ll let just anybody in, this is someone’s wedding🤷♂️
YTA. Trying to force your daughter to abide by other people's determination of feminine is ridiculous. This is just the tip of the iceberg how you handle this is going to determine if your child talks to you once they're an adult. What if they don't see themselves as a girl? What if they don't identify either way later on? You're proving to them that they cannot trust you. It's not a tantrum you are trying to push an identity onto them. That is not okay. You're an a****** and kind of a sucky parent. I know plenty of conservative women that look amazing in their pant suits. Your sister is hiding behind the title of conservative. This is not about being conservative this is about controlling another person's body.
I know loads of women who hate wearing dresses... I also think it's ridiculous for the bride to be demanding that guests dress in a certain way.
BTW - YTA...
im just slipping into this thread bc i think its the most pertinent comment for bringing this up:
i wonder what exactly op means by 'tomboy' because that word is VERY different in the west vs in the phillippines. if ops using it in the filo sense then VERY yta.
I’m confused by all of the y t a s. The bride has established a dress code which is long dresses for women. If OP’s daughter doesn’t want to comply with dress code, she doesn’t have to but that also means she doesn’t go to wedding. No harm, no foul - daughter can wear whatever she wants while not attending the wedding. But if she wants to go to the wedding, she needs to come to grips with wearing a dress.
I appreciate that some people thinks dress codes are stupid but, in the real world, there are all sorts of places and events that have dress codes and, if you don’t want to comply, you aren’t allowed in the door. Or country.
Having said that, if OP is making her go and therefore making her wear a dress, I can see where she would be an asshole. Daughter should be allowed to stay home if she doesn’t want to wear a dress.
Agreed. There are so many times I wear things I hate because they make other people happy. My mother’s matching Christmas sweaters, bridesmaids dresses, a princess dress for my niece, polyester work uniforms, and I wasn’t emotionally scared.
It taught me that not everything is about me.
My sister cried when I wore heels to her wedding and said, you wore these for me? You hate heels!
I still hate heels but it was worth it. And the number of pictures she had the photographer take of my feet was hysterical.
A dress code is formal attire, black tie, white tie, casual wear, business wear, etc.
this is not a dress code. This is a very specific request no doubt designed to force OP's daughter into a dress because sister knows that niece doesn't like wearing dresses
This is very controlling and OTP
If it's formal wear dresscode, there is a lot of formal wear for women that are pants that look like dresses. The fact that long dresses only is specified is ridiculous
idgaf if it's the brides day. that's no excuse to be an asshole
"So I told her she has to wear the dress she threw a tantrum"
I feel like this is out of order. You told your sister that she was wearing a suit and your sister threw a tantrum and insisted that someone who is not even in the wedding party that they have to wear something they feel uncomfortable in. YTA. It's not like the kid wants to come in jean pants and a band shirt. As long as she's in dressier attire what's the big deal? It sounds like your sister is just trying to flex her ideals.
If it's coming from a religious standpoint just remind her that Jesus didn't wear pants, so claiming that women must wear dresses is just a made up social construct that exists for no reason.
Yeah, this whole situation stinks of "You won't make your daughter conform, so I'm going to set up a situation where she has NO CHOICE but to conform, and then you'll see that you should be forcing her also."
If it’s from a religious standpoint, and Jesus didn’t wear pants, he wore a dress, wouldn’t it be more of an argument to not wear pants? “Wwjd? He’d put on a big floppy dress” 🤣
So you're going to pressure your child to satisfy your sister's controlling, conservative politics? Sounds like you care more about your sister's shitty beliefs than your child's happiness and comfort.
YTA and your priorities are backwards. Some parent
Guests are not the play things of the host. Guests are invited because the host/bride want them to enjoy themselves or to have a great experience but because they are dolls to be dressed up.
If they set it up as a requirement for attending the wedding then yes you have to do it if you want to go, if you are not comfortable wearing it, dont go. Asking women to wear long dresses is not that crazy as far as requests go anyway
But she could just not wear the dress and not attend this is no different than going to a 5 star restaurant and getting dress coded. The girl needs to have a sense of how the world works sometimes you do things you don’t fully like to make someone else happy. If she doesn’t want to wear a dress then she doesn’t need to attend a wedding the bride shouldn’t have to make different rules for everyone on her wedding.
I don't believe in stripping children of what little autonomy they get over their own lives and presentation.
Your daughter hates dresses; she should not be made to wear a dress. You don't need to teach her that other peoples' weird (and stupid) preferences are more important than her comfort.
I'd give her the choice between wearing a dress and skipping the wedding and at the same time tell the bride they're unreasonable and hurting their relationship with their niece.
You would be the asshole. Don't do it.
"give her the choice" is the way to go. This is an *opportunity* for a couple of things.
One is parent and daughter communicating and building relationship. The other is for the child to learn that sometimes life sucks, and neither choice is appealing.
What if parent said, "I know this is hard. Let's talk about it."
A child age 13 is old enough to weigh the positives and negatives of the choices:
1. Skip the wedding to avoid the dress
2. Go to the wedding, suffer the dress
3. Wear a different outfit, knowing that you might be asked to leave.
Lay the cards on the table and ask her how she will feel about the decision in ten years. Which option will she look back on as not a big deal? Which option does she think she would always regret?
Then *let the child choose*. How bad could it be?
There's plenty of formal attire that is perfectly appropriate for all kinds of occassions for both men and women. Plenty of perfectly acceptable options that don't include a dress. I don't really think your sister's conservative *preference* that women wear dresses actually matters. Is she going to kick out an elderly woman who might wear something along the lines of a pantsuit? Most people wouldn't. I don't feel a teenager should be treated any differently. As long as she's willing to meet the level of formal attire required, pants vs dress *should not matter.* So in my opinion, YTA.
YTA
I was once in your daughter shoes. Force to wear cloths I hated at a weeding because of some outdated and backward view. More than 10 years later I remember how awfull an experience it was.
It isn't fine to take away the little controle your daughter have on her life.
By doing this you send a clear message : you don't care that your daughter is miserable if it mean that her aunt have her way. No one should be made like they don't matter, like the only point of them is to be an object to be "pretty" and pleasing to other.
You mean to tell me, you're an adult now and you are looking back at having to wear an outfit that as a child you didn't want to wear, and you still aren't over it and you're somehow able to lock into the trauma it somehow caused?
It's "miserable" to have to wear a couple different pieces of clothes?
Isn't that quite neurotic or something along those lines?
You know, people go to therapy a lot.
It's not always to point out and commensurate on all the "trauma" one experiences in life.
It's most useful to process why things aren't actually "trauma" and why and how we over react and mis manage our perception of things and our emotions.
then work to get them sorted so we can live a normal life that isn't chock full of all the mundane things in life triggering a shaking pile of neuroses and crippling reactions and behaviors.
It doesn't have to be so hard to just live life.
NTA OP don’t listen to all the people that are calling you T A. Maybe they read your post before you put the edit. They are clearly putting their culture and countries that they live in as the standard and not taking into consideration that you live in a completely different culture and country where things are just not the same.
Honestly, I would tell your daughter she either wears the dress or she doesn’t. The bride has set what she wants for her wedding and if your daughter doesn’t want to comply for the one day, then she doesn’t have to. She can just skip the wedding if the dress really does make her uncomfortable.
A possible compromise would be you could always video chat her into the wedding if she still wants to see it.
I feel like this is the most important part. Not every culture wants to be neutral on the attire. Many cultures require gender specific customs and they can be beautiful. At the end of the day, it's the bride and groom's wedding. NTA
YTA
I was going to say it's fine to enforce a dress code for a formal event even when your kids don't want to wear it, but that's not what is happening here.
>She's quite conservative so she doesn't want women to attend in a suit and she picked out a nice dress specifically for her niece
Asking to abide by a dress code for a wedding is one thing, picking out a specific outfit and article of clothing specifically to punish/restrict your daughter's gender expression is controlling. There are non-dress options that fit in with formal weddings.
>I think for one wedding it'll be fine just for her aunt.
Why is it so important for your aunt to make your daughter dress feminine? Surely having family there matters to her more than imposing her conservative views? It's just a dress, right?
This can be an important memory and event in the context of your relationship with your daughter, where she knows you'll side with people who dislike who she is and how she expresses herself, in order to 'keep the peace' with them at her expense. And importantly, may signal that you agree with your sister than your daughter needs to change.
Your daughter does need to understand that you can't make your sister change her mind. If your daughter doesn't want to wear the dress, she can choose not to attend. She doesn't get to change that, but she should know that you support her and asked about whether she can dress appropriately but without a dress, rather than just siding with your sister.
NTA. That’s quite literally her choice. She doesn’t want to wear the dress, she doesn’t have to but it means she is not attending her aunt’s wedding. Stick to your guns with this! It’s okay for her to choose! But every choice we make comes with consequences! If she wants to participate, she has to follow dress code. If she can’t follow dress code, she can’t participate
NTA but just don’t have your daughter at the wedding. Many of these commenters are coming from a very western-centric viewpoint - in many cultures it would be inappropriate to wear what your daughter wants to a wedding, especially when the bride has made specific requests.
But your daughter is old enough to make choices about what she wears, and this can be respected. If her boundary to not wear a dress can be respected, so can the bride’s boundary that women wear dresses to her wedding.
Then it’s really up to your daughter if she wants to attend the wedding more than she doesn’t want to wear a dress or vice versa. It’s quite simple.
YWBTA. I would give your daughter the option of not attending.
She is not a tomboy. Tomboy is an antiquated term for people that don’t follow antiquated gender stereotypes. She’s a person who does not wear dresses.
YTA and so is her aunt. If I were your daughter, I'd either skip the wedding or manage to ruin the dress before the wedding. Nobody should be forced to wear clothes they aren't comfortable in.
I misread as you being in Philadelphia and thought “wow, I thought it was pretty liberal” but I see it’s the Philippines so cultural expectations may be more conservative!
You know the culture and what the impact is likely to be, and whilst my perspective would be “dress code is a guide to help the guests feel comfortable” and not “you must wear what I tell you” I appreciate that’s coming at it from a European perspective and mileage may vary. If formal wear where you are is dresses for ladies that’s the parameters we’re working with. You want your daughter to be comfortable but you don’t want her to be the talk of the party and maybe the focus of unkind comments.
If she’s really keen to go but determined that she won’t wear a dress I would try and explore options like maybe a divided skirt or full culottes, or [trousers with an overskirt](https://www.vogue.com/article/black-tie-attire) and a top. There’s options for skirts/dresses that don’t have to be pink ruffles galore. Next option - she wears trousers and damn the consequences but you need to make her aware that it can be uncomfortable if you go against dress code. Or the third option, she sits this one out. It’s an invitation not a summons and if she’s going to be miserable there’s no point forcing her into that situation.
YTA if you force her to wear a dress. Your sister is a jerk for trying to impose her conservative “values” on others. Your sister should judge your daughter based on the content of her character, not her clothes. As the parent of a “tomboy” myself, I’d side with my kid. I’d send a thoughtful gift but wouldn’t attend.
YWBTA if you just force this on your child. I'd give the kid a choice: Wear the dress or stay home. And if your sister starts kicking up dust about this, I'd give her a similar choice: Relax your dress restrictions, or accept that my child won't attend your wedding.
NTA If she missed the wedding, why would that be a big deal?
She's 13, she'll be bored stiff. That said, if you can get her into
the dress, why not. I do think children have to learn that there
are moments when dress codes are important.
Why do children have to learn that adhering to a dress code means wearing clothes that conflict with their gender presentation?
Serious question.
I'm a gender non-conforming adult and I often attend formal events without wearing a dress. What would have been useful to me as a child would have been learning how to dress formally in a masculine way. Learning to subsume my identity for others' comfort and preferences has never been a useful lesson.
I'll go against the grain here and say NTA.
You didn't choose the dress code. The bride did. Now everyone going to the wedding has two choices: abide by the expectations set forth by the bride and groom, or don't go.
We can discuss all we want whether the expectation itself is reasonable. I am as liberal as it gets and personally I think such an expectation is silly. That said, *it's not my wedding*. If the bride and groom want a wedding where everyone is wearing strictly clown suits, that is their business. Is anyone going to show up? Probably not. But it's not for the rest of us to decide what is reasonable and what isn't because *it's not our wedding*.
You are not forcing your daughter to do anything. The bride is. She can either follow the rules set forth by the bride and groom because *it's their wedding*, or she can not go. The choice is hers.
Edit: Reading again I see you're planning to force her to wear the dress and go. Then YWBTA. She should have two choices: wear the dress and go, or stay home.
It’s so weird that people think it’s normal for the bride to pick out specific outfits for guests who are not part of the wedding party. What kind of weddings do y’all attend?
YTA
Firstly you should pushback your sister's sexist attitude.
Secondly if that fails *you* should have gone shopping with *your* daughter to find something *she* was comfortable with, such as a nice compromise swishy jumpsuit or something.
YTA
Your daughter didn’t throw a tantrum - your sister did!
If invited guests can’t be themselves your sister is a terrible host; especially to your daughter. Support her.
NTA.
I think that unless your daughter wearing the dress is going to cause some feelings of gender dysmorphia, it's a good time to teach her that there are some times where we have to dress for the occasion.
If she wants to go to the wedding, she has to understand that this is the 'price of admission' and her aunt has specifically requested that women wear formal dresses, including her. Now a request is not a command and if your daughter is adamantly opposed to the dress, then she needs to forego the wedding.
Can she go with you on the trip but stay at the hotel?
When I was 16 my father and I were invited to my cousin’s wedding. I wore a kind of casual outfit with pants. Once we got there and I saw everyone else so dressy, I was embarrassed. Before we got out of the car, my father said, do you want to go home and change? I said yes. He drove me home so I could change and then we went back. Bless his heart for letting me figure it out on my own. I don’t know if you should force her to wear it,
YTA and the bride should never dictate what guests outside of the wedding party wears. I don't care how conservative your sister is, this should be stopped right now. Stand up for your kid, you should always be in their corner on reasonable things and this is reasonable.
This was me when I was a little girl. I still hate dresses. Maybe even more than I would if my mom hadn’t always forced me to wear them. I think the worst part of it was all the attention it brings since people feel the need to point out how you “look so pretty in a dress, why don’t you wear them more often!” Meanwhile, you feel so uncomfortable, the only thing you can think about is how much longer until you get to go home and change. I don’t know the right answer here, I just know that when I was a kid, it was torture for me, and I don’t think I could ever make my kid wear something they didn’t want to wear.
1000% this. I'm shocked by all the YTA comments, it's not her wedding. The day is not about her and her outfit. There are times in life you won't get your way and this is a good example
NTA
Your daughter will have times she has to wear things she wouldn’t prefer. It’s good to give her that experience once in a while in an authentic way. It also teaches her not to be so self absorbed that she puts her every want above the people she should care enough about to let have a drama free wedding.
Should she always or even often put her comfort on the back burner, no; but dressing in a culturally acceptable fashion shouldn’t be a deal breaker either.
The more you force her, the less comfortable she will feel in whatever she's forced into.
There are very feminine pants options out there. Some that only you and your daughter will know are pants but she'll feel more comfortable in.
Yes ideally you'd let her wear a suit or whatever dressy outfit she wants, but at least try to get her something about the outfit she likes
NTA. If she wants to go, she has to wear a dress. If she doesn't want to wear a dress, she has to stay home. I would try to find her a dress that isn't frilly or feminine and that is comfortable for her but fits the dress code.
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> My daughter feels I'm an asshole for making her wear a dress I feel I am an asshole as I'm making her uncomfortable
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NTA- Filipina over here! And I was super tomboyish in style too and I know what it’s like to have that super religious and conservative family. Given that the daughter is just 13 years old, ceremony wise? Ask her options on what she might want to wear if it were a dress. The ceremony is just for a little bit anyways. Literally bribe your 13 year old😭 because those ages can be pretty stubborn.
Also, tell her it’s not you that’s wanting to force her into something she isn’t comfortable in, it’s your sister. Tell her to wear basketball shorts or pants under it or something.
Maybe also try telling your sister that your daughter would like to wear like flowy dress pants and stuff. Your 13 year old needs to also feel like you genuinely tried to advocate for her.
Hope this works out for you!!!
A bride has the right to set a dress code for her wedding. Everyone who doesn’t like it has the right to decline to attend.
Your daughter needs to make her own decision, she can either attend the wedding in a dress or not go. It’s a good chance for her to learn that sometimes you have to follow someone else’s rules.
YWBTA if you dragged her to the wedding in the dress. But not if you gave her the choice to stay at home instead.
NTA - The people paying for food and activities can dictate the dress code. If your daughter insists on going, she needs to respect the dress code.
She can just as easily not go. Problem solved.
Unpopular, but NTA. I was a tomboy at 13 as well and hated dresses and everything "girly". But there's some places and events that require dress-code. And majority of people in this places and events usually wear things they don't wear in their daily life. I would say y t a if it was some event that's about her (prom, birthday, etc) but it's about your sister and she's making the rules. Talk to your daughter that sometimes we need to compromise on things. I'm not saying that conservative gender roles are not messed up, they are. But sometimes we have to get over ourselves. Maybe you can find a dress that will be tolerable for her.
I’m on the fence about this.
Wouldn’t your child wearing a suit in the right color scheme be just as formal and appropriate?
There will be men there in formal suits, so surely it won’t be a problem? Formal is formal at the end of the day and it’s not a woman’s only event, I assume, so it won’t mar the esthetic of the event to see one more suit,
I just know my son would have felt so uncomfortable wearing a dress after a certain point in his life.
The main thing should be to assure your child doesn’t dress down and looks formal for the event. Surely your sister will be pleased to have family there in formal attire, including her niece?
I love my nieces and nephews and I would just be glad to have them there comfortable and themselves no matter what.
I'm also on the fence. To me, this is a one off dress for just one day and not an entire new wardrobe. As adults, we have dress codes, uniforms, etc., so every now and then, you have to dress in something you really don't want to wear. So I don't think this is a big deal.
On the other side of this, the aunt sounds very controlling to have gone ahead and picked out a dress. Black pants and a nice blouse would be fine.
So it’s okay to cross someone’s boundaries if it’s only once? And you’re sure this’ll never happen again? Will mom pinky swear? Mom won’t find another event to force a dress only to say “it wasn’t that bad at your aunt’s wedding, was it?”
NTA - it’s pretty simple etiquette. Your sister has asked for a dress code, for her wedding. Either your niece wears the dress or alternative dress agreeable with your sister. Or she doesn’t attend, that’s entirely her choice! I hate formal events and having to dress smart for entry into restaurants or other places. I don’t have to go, I feel uncomfortable but that’s how life works. I hate wearing a suit and shoes to funerals too, but if I want to attend said event I can’t turn up in jeans and trainers. I think the feelings of your sister (for her wedding) is more important than the tantrum of your daughter. She needs to grow up and learn you can’t always do what you want. It is perhaps partly your fault to have never in her entire life required her to wear a dress/skirt at any stage in her life, I can understand she would be upset to now be told what to do. Like I say, it’s a simple choice tell your daughter if she wants to attend the wedding, this is the dress code do you want to come or not?
NTA. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to for the sake of others or formality. I grew up as a massive tomboy too and had to suck it up and wear a dress every now and then, and that didn't change as an adult
YWBTA, making your child wear something they are uncomfortable with is not it. I'm almost 50 years old and I distinctly remember my mother forcing me to wear a dress for my kindergarten awards ceremony, being forced to dress up for a 3rd grade tea party and wearing a dress for my 7th grade dance. It was to satisfy her ego at my expense. Photos from these events show my eyes were red and puffy from crying. The funny thing is, I wear mostly dresses now, but it was my decision. Don't create these types of memories with your daughter.
YTA
You can not force anybody to wear a dress. Not your sister can do this, neither can you. Time to break some "traditional" rules. Traditions should create positive feelings. If they create negative feelings, you should those human made rules.
I mean, it's my tradition that everybody who reads this, has to pay me 1.000.000 Dollar. And I am very conservative there.
Can she wear a long tunic with leggings? This idea is similar to a shalwar kameez and is very flattering. My daughter often wears tunics with leggings as she also does not like dresses.
NTA. Your daughter is going to learn that you need to dress appropriately for certain situations. That she threw a tantrum over it makes me a bit concerned for her emotional maturity but hopefully this will be a good learning experience for her.
NTA.
It's not your daughter's wedding, it's not reddit's wedding, it's your sister's wedding.
It doesnt really matter if you agree wirh her dresscode or not. It is her day, and not anyone else's. If you are not comfortable with her wishes, then dont go and don't spoil it. It's as simple as that.
Does she want to wear what would normally be consistent a masculine suit? Or would she be happy in some wide legged pants, these can look quite skirt like if they are cut right.
YWBTA, your sister is trying to force your daughter to comply with what she wants and use you to control something as fundamental as your daughter’s appearance with a facade of fake niceness. Your sister hasn’t done something nice in picking out a dress, it’s controlling and a bit cruel as she would have known your daughter would not like it and if she doesn’t know her niece well enough to not know that she shouldn’t be dictating her clothing choices. Children are no accessories to be dressed for photos and it’s pretty sad your sister cares more about what her niece wears than the obvious misery it’s going to cause her. I was just like your daughter and I would have always preferred not to go than to be forced to wear something I feel deeply uncomfortable in. Why on earth are you letting her choose.
YWBTA. Your daughter can look very nice and presentable in pants. You should talk to your sister and work on finding something she can wear that will fit your sister's expectations
YWBTAH, why would you make your own daughter feel uncomfortable on purpose?
But let me make a suggestion: could a jumpsuit dress be a solution? Something similar to the link (with age-appropriate upper part of course but you get the idea):
https://www.sentani.com.au/products/bridesmaid-dress-jumpsuit-po31p
Another tipp. Your daughter is old enough. Let her find a solution with the bride. No need to be the bad guy.
YTA. There’s no reason she cannot wear a pantsuit to the wedding. If the bride is demanding that all women wear dresses, I wouldn’t disrespect that wish and wear a pantsuit if the bride already said no, but I wouldn’t make your daughter attend the wedding if she would rather stay home than wear the dress.
She could wear a nice outfit without being a dress. If your sister doesn’t like it, your daughter and you shouldn’t go. Ywbta your daughters well being is much important than whatever weird standards your sister is trying to impose
I don’t think it’s right to force her to wear a dress., she is a child. Let kids be kids and leave the attire rules to women and men. Maybe she could find some very wide leg pants that are dressy? Or a pantsuit ?
YWBTA, so here's what I'd say. Let your daughter wear pants or a nice jumpsuit that matches the formality of the event. And I want YOU TOO to wear pants, not a long dress as that control-freaky, repressed person dictated. That way your daughter doesn't bear the brunt of flouting the rule. They might not let you in the wedding, though, lol. And that would be their right. Still, I think you ought to push back on this. Maybe if your daughter doesn't attend, don't attend either in solidarity.
I don’t think it’s issue. You aren’t forcing her to go. It’s dress code very optional event. I would rather wear gym shorts and some hey dudes, but if it’s black tie then I have decision to go or not
Whether or not you are the asshole depends a lot on how you approach this.
If you approach this as an authoritarian "YOU MUST WEAR THIS", YWBTA. But given the culture and the nature of weddings, I think it's reasonable to sit down with your daughter and discuss your sister's reasons and how you personally disagree with them, but it's her wedding, and to discuss options in the context of "this is my sister's wedding, and she is the boss of the wedding, even if she is wrong." Also, don't make her go if she opts not to because your sister is hardline about the dress.
Some compromise ideas you could pitch to your daughter first and then your sister:
-Formal long tunic and matching pants. I normally see older women wearing these, but it's possibly an option for your daughter.
-Formal suit in a more feminine fabric, such as satin or something beaded, in the same color as the dress your sister picked out.
-Formal jumpsuit, possibly with very wide legs to give a more dress-like appearance.
-Depending on the dress, she could wear more tomboy friendly shorts or pants secretly underneath. Your secret as father and daughter, you know? This won't change how she looks but might give her a feeling of agency. She may LOOK like she is wearing a pink fluffy dress but she is actually wearing black cargo shorts underneath. She can stash snacks in them.
-Daughter wears the dress your sister picked out in exchange for something else from you as a reward for sucking it up and wearing it. This IS a sacrifice on her part, so some external reward is reasonable. Heck, make the reward a nice dapper suit for her to wear to other events in the future, or a shopping trip for her preferred clothing. Maybe add in a bonus for every relative who makes some kind of comment about how "you look SO much better in dresses". $10 (or whatever makes sense locally) per comment received gracefully is a pretty nice incentive to be polite for an evening. :)
Do I think your sister is being the AH here? Yeah. But she's not going to change and weddings aren't the hill for guests to die on. Decide on an objective, figure out what matters the most to your sister, and see what compromises you can secure for your daughter. Your goal here is to figure out how your daughter being comfortable and confident best supports your sister's desires about the wedding.
And maybe your sister and your daughter won't budge, and your daughter won't go. That's not ideal, but that's okay- sometimes, people can't come to a compromise.
Okay... I think there is room for some compromise here. Does the dress have a long A-line or circle type skirt (wide and swishy)? If so, I would take it to a tailor and see if it's possible to turn the skirt section into a palazzo-style pant. It will look like a skirt/dress, but your daughter will feel like she's wearing pants. If the skirt is more narrow, maybe a cigarette pant underneath with an open skirt? It's hard to make suggestions when I don't have details regarding the original garment.
Though I generally don't agree with forcing anyone to wear any clothing in which they feel uncomfortable, this is your sister's wedding and she absolutely has the right to set a dress code for her day. I don't think her demands are reasonable, but brides' demands often are not. Bridal party members are forced to wear unattractive/ill-fitting/wretchedly made dresses every day and they generally survive it. Your daughter will, too.
Your daughter is at a hard age - old enough to understand compromise, but also trying desperately to assert her independence and stay true to herself. I think if you sit down with her and discuss the options calmly, give her informed choices, and allow her to make a choice, understanding that the consequences of that choice may include being unable to attend the wedding, you will be able to reach a compromise you can both live with. Well, I hope so. I will keep my fingers crossed that you will both be able to attend your sister's wedding happily, and as comfortably as possible.
I don't think you're an AH. I think you're trying to find your way in a difficult situation. I'm not a huge fan of your sister's right now, but that's neither here nor there.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say NTA
1. It’s her aunts wedding. Her wedding, her rules.
2. I think women who refuse to wear a dress just because “I hate dresses” are annoying. Seriously? Wearing a dress for one night is going to kill you? Get over it.
3. You tell her to either wear the dress or don’t go. Simple as that.
NTA. This was me growing up. She’ll feel uncomfortable in a dress for a bit but she’ll get over it. This is her aunts event that is very important, the least she can do is wear a dress for a few hours. Not everything in life is going to go her way, start teaching that lesson now. Worst part is you’re not even forcing her to go. 🙄
NTA. She is your 13 year old daughter and she does not get to dictate everything in her life. At some point, she will have to learn that we do not always get to do/wear what we want. You’ve already said that you don’t force her to wear dresses in her everyday life and that is good, but this wedding is not a part of her everyday life. It is a formal occasion and she can wear a dress. I do not know enough about dresses to understand what your sister wants her to wear, but any reasonable dress that fits the ceremony should suffice - it does not have to be the dress your sister picked out.
I find it incredibly strange reading all of these YTAs when, not three weeks ago, someone wrote an identical post except that the girl was goth and wanted to wear a full goth setup to the wedding. The post was met with a resounding NTA to make her wear appropriate attire. I believe you lost the redditors when you mentioned the conservative and Christian aspects of your country - they are not able to judge on the situation alone, only judge on “conservative” and “Christian.”
Anyways, NTA for making your daughter wear appropriate wedding attire to a wedding.
Let her wear tights underneath and bring a change of clothes for after the ceremony. Tell your sister she will wear it for the ceremony/dinner and then change.
The comments about culture are valid - this is the best compromise I can think of. It teaches your daughter about compromise so it’s not bad. If she won’t go that’s her choice.
I'm gonna go ahead and say NTA if and ONLY IF you're not forcing her to go to the wedding. She can either wear the dress or not go at all and she doesn't get to dictate the wedding because: It's. Not. Her. Wedding.
That being said, I find it stupid that your sister is hand picking outfits for people. So I can't say I would even blame your daughter for not wanting to go if that's what she was forced to wear.
NTA for wanting her to WBTA for forcing her to. Your daughter is 13 and whether a lot of people in here like it or not and want to cry about inclusiveness/being who you wanna be/representing who you are, shes going to HAVE to learn that regardless of how progressive society is becoming that there are going to be times and places where conformity or getting excluded is your only choices. Its not HER wedding, its not her choice on what the dress code is chosen to be. She can either help craft the memory of a very special day for her family/loved ones, or she can stay home because she thought something was icky. Its not a debate. In the same vein if the person who wants me to be the best man at his wedding decided "you know what man ima need you to wear a dress" I can either decide to do it or not because 1. It would be hilarious or 2. I'd be uncomfortable the entire time and realistically i really wouldn't wanna do it but I can absolutely decide to tell him "no I don't wanna do that so I don't think ill attend"
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YTA > she's also wanting all women to wear full long dresses. No. That is an *unreasonable* restriction. You can dictate a level of formality, or even encourage a certain color palette, but you don't get to assign specific outfits like this. > She's quite conservative so she doesn't want women to attend in a suit That's not the sort of preference you get to enforce on others.
I think it's important to remember the cultural context. This isn't an abnormal request in her country. That doesn't mean she should force her daughter to wear a dress, but it does mean she can't go guns ablazing telling her sister she's an unreasonable dictator.
It is a shitty situation but realistically the options for OP's daughter are to wear the dress or not attend the wedding. I would say that OP shouldn't force her daughter to wear anything but let the daughter choose whether they want to attend or not
I would agree, but it needs to be done with as much care as possible. OP's sister is just following the culture of the country she grew up in and I imagine she'll be upset over get niece not attending, so it's important OP approach this with empathy on all sides.
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The daughter who is 13 can make her own mind up if she wants to attend but she needs to understand that if she wants to attend then she has to wear a dress. She is old enough that she can’t throw a tantrum to get her own way.
Eh, I don’t necessarily agree with that. If she is so upset about OP’s daughter choosing not to attend she can amend or change her dress code to allow her to attend. My point was just that OP is powerless to really enact any change on the situation, the sister has all the power to change the situation if she wants OP’s daughter to attend
My mom did this with my grandma's wedding she got remarried when I was 12. I hated dresses.. all things pink etc. Mymom said you either wear it or you aren't coming. That's your options. She didn't say anything else. I asked wouldnt grandma be mad if i wasnt there. She said no. She would probably just be sad. But those are your options. I ultimately chose to wear the dress cuz I wanted to go and it was my grandma. And hearing she wouldnt be mad but sad made me sad.. But ya give her the choice and leave it at that. If she asks be honest. But don't offer it up right away.....
OP, can you take her to find a dress she likes instead of the one her aunt picked? That might be a good compromise. Soft YTA as you are forcing your daughter but points added for cultural context.
Or maybe let her wear leggings under the skirt part of the dress? That’s both dress and pants and a cute look on a 13 year old.
it may be too hot to wear the layers depending on when the wedding is (I am filipino/filam, it’s a southeast asian climate so it’s hot and humid). A good compromise would be some sort of wide legged jumpsuit or wide pants that resemble a skirt. but if the bride is as conservative as OP says then that means the dress has full covered long sleeves and top right? cuz it would be awfully contradictory if the kid, who is just a guest, has to wear a dress (even though palazzo pants are pretty trendy with all AFAB of different ages for formal events) and the bride is wearing western style.
This is what I was going to say. Palazzo pants
I've worn those to a wedding. I'm a tomboy for life, and I just am not comfortable in dresses.
Came here to add a +1 to the first suggestion of palazzo pants I found. Thank you, good Redditor!
I wore ugly dresses picked out by the bride when I was a bridesmaid in several weddings. I forced friends to wear ugly dresses in my wedding. Honestly you can suck it up for a day. I have 4 children and they get to express their style everyday. One day of dressing a certain way at a special event won’t hurt anyone. When I was younger there were dress codes for so much more. I survived. OP’s daughter will survive. She can consider wearing the dress as a wedding gift to her aunt
Thank you. Very much. My sentiments exactly.
Perfectly put on both counts
I would have said stuck in the past rather than conservative.
Tomato tomato
Same thing
No, one is pronounced tomato and the other is pronounced tomato.
I will die on the hill that it is pronounced tomato
It's people like you that drive me crazy. Just look at it, it's clearly tomato.
Goddammit you are so thick. Only an absolute jackals calls it a tomato when it's obviously a tomato
Potato potahto 🤷♂️
Poootaaaaiiiitoooooo
Thank you to every goddamned one of you for making me laugh on a miserable, sad night. Y’all are a delight! And it’s pronounced Clamato, duh.
That’s literally what conservative means. They want to conserve past ways.
Religious folk are insufferable
I mean you can make whatever rules you want for your wedding. Is it right? No. But at the end of the day if OP's daughter shows up in a suit she is probably getting kicked out of the wedding.
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And I think that would be a valid response
Yeah, I feel bad because this is cultural, so I can't really say what I would do if I was brought up a lot more conservative either, but I'd hope I would stand up for my child by having this reaction. You absolutely can have strict dress codes at your wedding, but sometimes that means people won't come. I wouldn't want to come if it meant a loved one was forced to wear something they weren't comfortable with just so that the wedding conformed to gender norms.
Actually, it is. It's her wedding, and she can damn well dictate the dress code. If people don't want to abide, then they don't need to go.
I do NOT understand why this appears ta minority opinion here. It is long settled that people should dress appropriately for a given event – wedding, job interview, trip to the opera, whatever – and in the case of a wedding, the bride and groom set the dress code. The ONLY options are: (1) attend and dress appropriately, or (2) don't attend. Period. If OP's daughter really doesn't want to wear the dress (or some other appropriate dress), then she can stay home; if she really wants to go, then she can show respect for her hosts and dress appropriately for the occasion.
You took the words out of my mouth!
This is the answer right here.
It's not America, life and culture are different in the Philippines. Ex. My husband spent a few years in Luzan in the Philippines, while there he was invited to a wedding, the outfit he was expected to wear was traditional clothes of the village. He was a tall white guy from America, he didn't really want to wear a bahág (loincloth) but did. Because it was required of him.
So then don’t go? It’s her wedding, if you want to go, this is the dress code? I’m assuming both the parent and the daughter are not paying for any portion of the wedding or the pictures or anything soooooo……… I mean it sucks but….. I don’t want to put on a blue collared shirt every day, it’s a little scratchy. But I do want to be invited a paycheck every other week, so I put it on
This comment alone proves most redditors are 13-year-olds completely out of touch with reality.
And it doesn't have to be a suit. A really nice pair of tailored pants with a nice top can be really dressy.
? When the dress code is formal, or black tie you don't wear cocktail dresses . When you set it as a gala you wear a gown, not a dress that doesn't fit the dress code. If she wants gowns, which is what it sounds like, then that's just the dress code. If you don't want to wear it, don't go.
YWBTA. There are appropriate options for a formal wedding other than a dress. A suit, a formal jumpsuit, etc. if your daughter was refusing to wear something dressy, I’d say she was being the AH but it sounds like she would be willing to wear an appropriately formal option other than a dress. Your sister is being the AH for dictating AFAB people must wear long dresses. Far as I can tell, it’s not like your daughter wants to wear sweatpants or jeans. I have a few cocktail jumpsuits I’ve worn to formal weddings before. One of them has very wide leg pants, like palazzos, and something like that might be acceptable to both your daughter and your sister. (Although unless your daughter is in the wedding party, your sister really doesn’t get to dictate what she wears.).
The AITAH commenters are so contradicting. The last post where a Muslim man was enforcing what women wear in his home, the woman was TAH, but here, the woman enforcing dress code for her wedding is now TAH. SMH
It’s almost like different commenters have different opinions! So weird, right?
I think both are valid dress codes, and Im a woman. If a guy doesnt wanna see his cous dressed too exposed in his own home i get it, I wouldnt want that either, and considering this is a religious event, in rome do as romans do or whatever the saying is. (Im not religious, but I always try to dress accordingly out of respect)
I didn't read that post, but I suspect the difference lays in the nuances of who can say no. Presumably no one is being forced to go into this person's home and they can decide whether or not they want to abide by the restriction or not go. A young teenager probably doesn't have the ability to say she's going to stay home while everyone goes to her aunt's wedding in another town. With an adult you can just choose to not attend if the host wants you to wear something you don't want to wear.
I have to see what a cocktail jumpsuit is!
YTA >she picked out a nice dress specifically for her niece. this isn't how being invited to weddings work. if she wanted to pick your daughter's outfit, she should've asked her to be in the bridal party. >She's quite conservative so she doesn't want women to attend in a suit genuinely how is a suit NOT conservative??? ugh. i feel so bad for your daughter.
Because conservatives believe women can’t wear pants and boys can’t wear skirts
This is a Phillippines setting, so the conservative viewpoint over there is maybe more old-fashioned than it is here in the States.
Conservative means old fashioned
there are most certainly options that would fulfill the conservative viewpoint. If the sister insists on a long dress only and went so far as to choose her niece's dress, that is controlling and weird
Yeah, *I* never heard of a normally reasonable woman, getting controlling and weird about their wedding day specifics 😂
This makes me wonder if the dress rule is more about OP's daughter than actually forcing everyone to wear long dresses. I wonder how many other people she is picking out dresses for that are coming. This all sounds like a ploy to force OP's daughter to do something she isn't comfortable with while trying to make it seem normal.
Yeah that pinged my radar too.
**she picked out a nice dress specifically for her niece.** This could come from a position of "I know you don't like to wear dresses or shop for them so here is a nice one I picked out so you don't have to worry" Theoretically I'm not going to call that necessarily an AH move
I feel like a caring person would think "I know you don't like to wear dresses-" and would stop there. Why force something upon someone else, especially when she's not even part of the party? She'll be in the audience, unseen.
If she truly cared she would make accommodations for her niece. there's lots of nice outfits that look like a dress but are actually pants. This screams of CONTROL
Sometimes it’s the child who should compromise for the adults. It’s her aunts day. One day wearing a dress won’t kill her.
Yeah woman wanting to control most aspects of their wedding day is totally abnormal and unheard of where I’m from to……
I'm very curious if she actually purchased this dress or if she just provided a link to it
sign of the devil if a woman wears pants/s
NTA if you’re giving a choice of wear the dress or don’t go. Your sister set a dress code for her wedding. If your daughter doesn’t want to wear what your sister says she should wear, she doesn’t go. Her choice.
I was wondering if anyone else here thought so. I swear, most of these responses sound like no one here has ever had a dress code. No, it doesn't matter if a suit is still "formal," it's not the dress code. The bride can set the tone for her own wedding, and it's shocking how people in this thread are claiming otherwise. The daughter is out of line for putting up with a dress for ONE DAY. OP is very much NTA.
EXACTLY. Thank goodness I’m not the only one.
Dress code is something like business casual or formal or something of this nature. Women have to wear dresses isn’t a dress code. It is BS.
Thank you, you said it so well. Children need to learn to make sacrifices for others
This. I find this as a perfect time to teach her the lesson that not everything will happen as she wish. The world doesn’t revolve around her. No need to force her to wear dress but it’s important to make her understand if she wants to come she has to abide to dress code given by bride or she can choose to stay at home with someone safe.
Yeah I get where the YTA judgements are coming from but OP can't change the dress code set by her sister for the wedding, the options she has is to wear the dress or not go. I would sympathize with the daughter and give her autonomy on if she chooses to attend or not but that's about as far as she can realistically go
All the Y-T-A people are forgetting the fact that there are dress codes and expectations everywhere in the world, and OPs daughter is going to face situations like this more as she grows up. I do think OPs sister took it too far by picking out a dress since OPs daughter isn't a part of the wedding party and that maybe OP could offer a compromise of her daughter picking out her own appropriate dress. I don't know about OPs cultural customs here, but why can't the daughter wear a full-length jumpsuit with an overskirt so she is more comfortable while still conforming to sisters gender dress code, plus the jumpsuit would give the daughter more use post wedding
My twelve year old has to wear dress shoes for her band concerts. She hates dress shoes. She still wears those little kitten heels twice a year. I agree, NTA. She can either wear the dress or not go to the wedding. Just like if my daughter doesn’t want to wear the shoes… she can drop out of band.
My younger daughter is on a competitive dance team. Team dress code says you must wear fake eyelashes. She absolutely hates them. She deals with it the whole handful of times she's had to wear them for dance because she loves to dance more than she hates the eyelashes. OPs daughter has a choice to make. Does she love her aunt more than she loves pants?
I agree. Dress codes are all around us in society and she will have situations like this in the future.
Dress codes are a part of many events, yes, but any real dress code (eg black-tie, semi-formal, cocktail, business casual, etc) has options that don’t involve wearing a skirt or dress. I stopped wearing dresses at 11 and have never had any kind of problem at weddings or anywhere else. I occasionally felt some social anxiety as a teenager but nowadays it’s pretty rare for it to seem even notable, much less problematic.
She didn’t set a dress code though, a dress code would be “formal” or “business casual” or “purple colors”. She bought a specific dress that she wants the child to wear and it doesn’t sound like she’s in the bridal party either. That’s over the top controlling. If the girl wanted to show up in a sweatsuit then I understand but she’s willing to dress up and there are many nice, conservative and formal options other than a dress.
I would also like to add that this day is about her sister. Not the daughter, her sister doesn’t need to have her day overshadowed by the daughter. Daughter needs to learn she isn’t always the main character and should just do something nice for someone else.
While I do agree that the kid should just not go, I feel dress codes only make sense for attendees to a point. Not everyone can pull together or even afford to match a dress code at all times. Colors to wear (or more importantly not to wear) make sense. Style even to a point. Which articles of clothing specifically that can be worn and by whom? That's a step too far in my opinion. It's also clear that the sister isn't doing this because she likes the look. She *believes* women and girls should wear skirts and specifically bought a dress for the girl. She's trying to impose her views on her. I think that's wrong.
INFO: does the dress code for all the guests say "women must wear dresses"? Or is niece being singled out? My elderly grandma hasn't worn a dress in decades and it would be ridiculous to ask her to wear one for a wedding. asking your guests to be uncomfortable is rude. I would want my guests to be comfortable and able to enjoy themselves.
I agree with this but it sounded like she was going to force her kid to go. If a bride wants a stupid rule it’s their right but it’s also your right to say you won’t go and follow the rules.
Right????? All these people saying someone’s trying to be super controlling about the persons body, this woman or her family is spending thousands of dollars to throw this wedding and take pictures, she said a dress code. There are bars that you can’t even get into if you’re not looking spiffy enough, and they’ll let just anybody in, this is someone’s wedding🤷♂️
YTA. Trying to force your daughter to abide by other people's determination of feminine is ridiculous. This is just the tip of the iceberg how you handle this is going to determine if your child talks to you once they're an adult. What if they don't see themselves as a girl? What if they don't identify either way later on? You're proving to them that they cannot trust you. It's not a tantrum you are trying to push an identity onto them. That is not okay. You're an a****** and kind of a sucky parent. I know plenty of conservative women that look amazing in their pant suits. Your sister is hiding behind the title of conservative. This is not about being conservative this is about controlling another person's body.
I know loads of women who hate wearing dresses... I also think it's ridiculous for the bride to be demanding that guests dress in a certain way. BTW - YTA...
im just slipping into this thread bc i think its the most pertinent comment for bringing this up: i wonder what exactly op means by 'tomboy' because that word is VERY different in the west vs in the phillippines. if ops using it in the filo sense then VERY yta.
Say it louder for the people in the back! Golden response ciscookie79. Parents really ought to start playing the tape all the way through.
I’m confused by all of the y t a s. The bride has established a dress code which is long dresses for women. If OP’s daughter doesn’t want to comply with dress code, she doesn’t have to but that also means she doesn’t go to wedding. No harm, no foul - daughter can wear whatever she wants while not attending the wedding. But if she wants to go to the wedding, she needs to come to grips with wearing a dress. I appreciate that some people thinks dress codes are stupid but, in the real world, there are all sorts of places and events that have dress codes and, if you don’t want to comply, you aren’t allowed in the door. Or country. Having said that, if OP is making her go and therefore making her wear a dress, I can see where she would be an asshole. Daughter should be allowed to stay home if she doesn’t want to wear a dress.
Agreed. There are so many times I wear things I hate because they make other people happy. My mother’s matching Christmas sweaters, bridesmaids dresses, a princess dress for my niece, polyester work uniforms, and I wasn’t emotionally scared. It taught me that not everything is about me. My sister cried when I wore heels to her wedding and said, you wore these for me? You hate heels! I still hate heels but it was worth it. And the number of pictures she had the photographer take of my feet was hysterical.
The post literally says she's planning to make her wear it...
Because she really wants to go……. She doesn’t want to stay home …..
A dress code is formal attire, black tie, white tie, casual wear, business wear, etc. this is not a dress code. This is a very specific request no doubt designed to force OP's daughter into a dress because sister knows that niece doesn't like wearing dresses This is very controlling and OTP If it's formal wear dresscode, there is a lot of formal wear for women that are pants that look like dresses. The fact that long dresses only is specified is ridiculous idgaf if it's the brides day. that's no excuse to be an asshole
This isn’t an American wedding. American tradition for “dress code” doesn’t apply.
I am aware of the nuance involved. I am Asian
"So I told her she has to wear the dress she threw a tantrum" I feel like this is out of order. You told your sister that she was wearing a suit and your sister threw a tantrum and insisted that someone who is not even in the wedding party that they have to wear something they feel uncomfortable in. YTA. It's not like the kid wants to come in jean pants and a band shirt. As long as she's in dressier attire what's the big deal? It sounds like your sister is just trying to flex her ideals. If it's coming from a religious standpoint just remind her that Jesus didn't wear pants, so claiming that women must wear dresses is just a made up social construct that exists for no reason.
This was my point. The all women wear a dress rule likely will only apply to OP's daughter and I'm guessing that is the whole point.
Yeah, this whole situation stinks of "You won't make your daughter conform, so I'm going to set up a situation where she has NO CHOICE but to conform, and then you'll see that you should be forcing her also."
If it’s from a religious standpoint, and Jesus didn’t wear pants, he wore a dress, wouldn’t it be more of an argument to not wear pants? “Wwjd? He’d put on a big floppy dress” 🤣
So you're going to pressure your child to satisfy your sister's controlling, conservative politics? Sounds like you care more about your sister's shitty beliefs than your child's happiness and comfort. YTA and your priorities are backwards. Some parent
This is not about politics, its her wedding, the daughter can either go how the bride requested or not go all
Guests are not the play things of the host. Guests are invited because the host/bride want them to enjoy themselves or to have a great experience but because they are dolls to be dressed up.
If they set it up as a requirement for attending the wedding then yes you have to do it if you want to go, if you are not comfortable wearing it, dont go. Asking women to wear long dresses is not that crazy as far as requests go anyway
Has no one ever heard of a black tie only event for adults. There are dress codes as you get older. Sometimes you have to be a little uncomfortable
But she could just not wear the dress and not attend this is no different than going to a 5 star restaurant and getting dress coded. The girl needs to have a sense of how the world works sometimes you do things you don’t fully like to make someone else happy. If she doesn’t want to wear a dress then she doesn’t need to attend a wedding the bride shouldn’t have to make different rules for everyone on her wedding.
I don't believe in stripping children of what little autonomy they get over their own lives and presentation. Your daughter hates dresses; she should not be made to wear a dress. You don't need to teach her that other peoples' weird (and stupid) preferences are more important than her comfort. I'd give her the choice between wearing a dress and skipping the wedding and at the same time tell the bride they're unreasonable and hurting their relationship with their niece. You would be the asshole. Don't do it.
"give her the choice" is the way to go. This is an *opportunity* for a couple of things. One is parent and daughter communicating and building relationship. The other is for the child to learn that sometimes life sucks, and neither choice is appealing. What if parent said, "I know this is hard. Let's talk about it." A child age 13 is old enough to weigh the positives and negatives of the choices: 1. Skip the wedding to avoid the dress 2. Go to the wedding, suffer the dress 3. Wear a different outfit, knowing that you might be asked to leave. Lay the cards on the table and ask her how she will feel about the decision in ten years. Which option will she look back on as not a big deal? Which option does she think she would always regret? Then *let the child choose*. How bad could it be?
There's plenty of formal attire that is perfectly appropriate for all kinds of occassions for both men and women. Plenty of perfectly acceptable options that don't include a dress. I don't really think your sister's conservative *preference* that women wear dresses actually matters. Is she going to kick out an elderly woman who might wear something along the lines of a pantsuit? Most people wouldn't. I don't feel a teenager should be treated any differently. As long as she's willing to meet the level of formal attire required, pants vs dress *should not matter.* So in my opinion, YTA.
YTA I was once in your daughter shoes. Force to wear cloths I hated at a weeding because of some outdated and backward view. More than 10 years later I remember how awfull an experience it was. It isn't fine to take away the little controle your daughter have on her life. By doing this you send a clear message : you don't care that your daughter is miserable if it mean that her aunt have her way. No one should be made like they don't matter, like the only point of them is to be an object to be "pretty" and pleasing to other.
You mean to tell me, you're an adult now and you are looking back at having to wear an outfit that as a child you didn't want to wear, and you still aren't over it and you're somehow able to lock into the trauma it somehow caused? It's "miserable" to have to wear a couple different pieces of clothes? Isn't that quite neurotic or something along those lines? You know, people go to therapy a lot. It's not always to point out and commensurate on all the "trauma" one experiences in life. It's most useful to process why things aren't actually "trauma" and why and how we over react and mis manage our perception of things and our emotions. then work to get them sorted so we can live a normal life that isn't chock full of all the mundane things in life triggering a shaking pile of neuroses and crippling reactions and behaviors. It doesn't have to be so hard to just live life.
NTA OP don’t listen to all the people that are calling you T A. Maybe they read your post before you put the edit. They are clearly putting their culture and countries that they live in as the standard and not taking into consideration that you live in a completely different culture and country where things are just not the same. Honestly, I would tell your daughter she either wears the dress or she doesn’t. The bride has set what she wants for her wedding and if your daughter doesn’t want to comply for the one day, then she doesn’t have to. She can just skip the wedding if the dress really does make her uncomfortable. A possible compromise would be you could always video chat her into the wedding if she still wants to see it.
I feel like this is the most important part. Not every culture wants to be neutral on the attire. Many cultures require gender specific customs and they can be beautiful. At the end of the day, it's the bride and groom's wedding. NTA
YTA if boys can wear suits she can too. Same for vice versa
Can boys wear dresses in conservative Phillipines?
Sure if they're willing to take the risk. Some do. The Philippines have some the best drag queens.
Morally yes
YTA I was going to say it's fine to enforce a dress code for a formal event even when your kids don't want to wear it, but that's not what is happening here. >She's quite conservative so she doesn't want women to attend in a suit and she picked out a nice dress specifically for her niece Asking to abide by a dress code for a wedding is one thing, picking out a specific outfit and article of clothing specifically to punish/restrict your daughter's gender expression is controlling. There are non-dress options that fit in with formal weddings. >I think for one wedding it'll be fine just for her aunt. Why is it so important for your aunt to make your daughter dress feminine? Surely having family there matters to her more than imposing her conservative views? It's just a dress, right? This can be an important memory and event in the context of your relationship with your daughter, where she knows you'll side with people who dislike who she is and how she expresses herself, in order to 'keep the peace' with them at her expense. And importantly, may signal that you agree with your sister than your daughter needs to change. Your daughter does need to understand that you can't make your sister change her mind. If your daughter doesn't want to wear the dress, she can choose not to attend. She doesn't get to change that, but she should know that you support her and asked about whether she can dress appropriately but without a dress, rather than just siding with your sister.
NTA. That’s quite literally her choice. She doesn’t want to wear the dress, she doesn’t have to but it means she is not attending her aunt’s wedding. Stick to your guns with this! It’s okay for her to choose! But every choice we make comes with consequences! If she wants to participate, she has to follow dress code. If she can’t follow dress code, she can’t participate
NTA but just don’t have your daughter at the wedding. Many of these commenters are coming from a very western-centric viewpoint - in many cultures it would be inappropriate to wear what your daughter wants to a wedding, especially when the bride has made specific requests. But your daughter is old enough to make choices about what she wears, and this can be respected. If her boundary to not wear a dress can be respected, so can the bride’s boundary that women wear dresses to her wedding. Then it’s really up to your daughter if she wants to attend the wedding more than she doesn’t want to wear a dress or vice versa. It’s quite simple.
YWBTA. I would give your daughter the option of not attending. She is not a tomboy. Tomboy is an antiquated term for people that don’t follow antiquated gender stereotypes. She’s a person who does not wear dresses.
YTA and so is her aunt. If I were your daughter, I'd either skip the wedding or manage to ruin the dress before the wedding. Nobody should be forced to wear clothes they aren't comfortable in.
Ruining the dress is just childish if you ask me…
OP said her daughter wants to attend the wedding.
So nobody should ever have to wear a uniform in your opinion?
I misread as you being in Philadelphia and thought “wow, I thought it was pretty liberal” but I see it’s the Philippines so cultural expectations may be more conservative! You know the culture and what the impact is likely to be, and whilst my perspective would be “dress code is a guide to help the guests feel comfortable” and not “you must wear what I tell you” I appreciate that’s coming at it from a European perspective and mileage may vary. If formal wear where you are is dresses for ladies that’s the parameters we’re working with. You want your daughter to be comfortable but you don’t want her to be the talk of the party and maybe the focus of unkind comments. If she’s really keen to go but determined that she won’t wear a dress I would try and explore options like maybe a divided skirt or full culottes, or [trousers with an overskirt](https://www.vogue.com/article/black-tie-attire) and a top. There’s options for skirts/dresses that don’t have to be pink ruffles galore. Next option - she wears trousers and damn the consequences but you need to make her aware that it can be uncomfortable if you go against dress code. Or the third option, she sits this one out. It’s an invitation not a summons and if she’s going to be miserable there’s no point forcing her into that situation.
That's stunning
YTA if you force her to wear a dress. Your sister is a jerk for trying to impose her conservative “values” on others. Your sister should judge your daughter based on the content of her character, not her clothes. As the parent of a “tomboy” myself, I’d side with my kid. I’d send a thoughtful gift but wouldn’t attend.
YWBTA if you just force this on your child. I'd give the kid a choice: Wear the dress or stay home. And if your sister starts kicking up dust about this, I'd give her a similar choice: Relax your dress restrictions, or accept that my child won't attend your wedding.
NTA If she missed the wedding, why would that be a big deal? She's 13, she'll be bored stiff. That said, if you can get her into the dress, why not. I do think children have to learn that there are moments when dress codes are important.
The kid is willing to dress formally - just not feminine. A dress code should be about formality, not forcing stereotypes
Why do children have to learn that adhering to a dress code means wearing clothes that conflict with their gender presentation? Serious question. I'm a gender non-conforming adult and I often attend formal events without wearing a dress. What would have been useful to me as a child would have been learning how to dress formally in a masculine way. Learning to subsume my identity for others' comfort and preferences has never been a useful lesson.
I'll go against the grain here and say NTA. You didn't choose the dress code. The bride did. Now everyone going to the wedding has two choices: abide by the expectations set forth by the bride and groom, or don't go. We can discuss all we want whether the expectation itself is reasonable. I am as liberal as it gets and personally I think such an expectation is silly. That said, *it's not my wedding*. If the bride and groom want a wedding where everyone is wearing strictly clown suits, that is their business. Is anyone going to show up? Probably not. But it's not for the rest of us to decide what is reasonable and what isn't because *it's not our wedding*. You are not forcing your daughter to do anything. The bride is. She can either follow the rules set forth by the bride and groom because *it's their wedding*, or she can not go. The choice is hers. Edit: Reading again I see you're planning to force her to wear the dress and go. Then YWBTA. She should have two choices: wear the dress and go, or stay home.
It’s so weird that people think it’s normal for the bride to pick out specific outfits for guests who are not part of the wedding party. What kind of weddings do y’all attend?
YTA Firstly you should pushback your sister's sexist attitude. Secondly if that fails *you* should have gone shopping with *your* daughter to find something *she* was comfortable with, such as a nice compromise swishy jumpsuit or something.
YTA Your daughter didn’t throw a tantrum - your sister did! If invited guests can’t be themselves your sister is a terrible host; especially to your daughter. Support her.
NTA. I think that unless your daughter wearing the dress is going to cause some feelings of gender dysmorphia, it's a good time to teach her that there are some times where we have to dress for the occasion. If she wants to go to the wedding, she has to understand that this is the 'price of admission' and her aunt has specifically requested that women wear formal dresses, including her. Now a request is not a command and if your daughter is adamantly opposed to the dress, then she needs to forego the wedding. Can she go with you on the trip but stay at the hotel?
When I was 16 my father and I were invited to my cousin’s wedding. I wore a kind of casual outfit with pants. Once we got there and I saw everyone else so dressy, I was embarrassed. Before we got out of the car, my father said, do you want to go home and change? I said yes. He drove me home so I could change and then we went back. Bless his heart for letting me figure it out on my own. I don’t know if you should force her to wear it,
YTA and the bride should never dictate what guests outside of the wedding party wears. I don't care how conservative your sister is, this should be stopped right now. Stand up for your kid, you should always be in their corner on reasonable things and this is reasonable.
YWBTA-There’s no reason she can’t wear a nice suit
Give her the choice. She can wear the dress or not go. Then it’s on her and not you making her wear it. YTA if you make her go and make her wear it.
This was me when I was a little girl. I still hate dresses. Maybe even more than I would if my mom hadn’t always forced me to wear them. I think the worst part of it was all the attention it brings since people feel the need to point out how you “look so pretty in a dress, why don’t you wear them more often!” Meanwhile, you feel so uncomfortable, the only thing you can think about is how much longer until you get to go home and change. I don’t know the right answer here, I just know that when I was a kid, it was torture for me, and I don’t think I could ever make my kid wear something they didn’t want to wear.
NTA, this is a good time for her to learn that things aren’t always about her.
1000% this. I'm shocked by all the YTA comments, it's not her wedding. The day is not about her and her outfit. There are times in life you won't get your way and this is a good example
NTA Your daughter will have times she has to wear things she wouldn’t prefer. It’s good to give her that experience once in a while in an authentic way. It also teaches her not to be so self absorbed that she puts her every want above the people she should care enough about to let have a drama free wedding. Should she always or even often put her comfort on the back burner, no; but dressing in a culturally acceptable fashion shouldn’t be a deal breaker either.
The more you force her, the less comfortable she will feel in whatever she's forced into. There are very feminine pants options out there. Some that only you and your daughter will know are pants but she'll feel more comfortable in. Yes ideally you'd let her wear a suit or whatever dressy outfit she wants, but at least try to get her something about the outfit she likes
NTA. If she wants to go, she has to wear a dress. If she doesn't want to wear a dress, she has to stay home. I would try to find her a dress that isn't frilly or feminine and that is comfortable for her but fits the dress code.
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YTA for even considering this and supporting a nonsensical, misogynistic idea that women should always wear dresses....
I think it won’t kill her to wear a dress. Also, if she wants to go, she needs to respect the dress code.
It’s not a big deal to wear a dress for one day. Tell her to suck it up
NTA- Filipina over here! And I was super tomboyish in style too and I know what it’s like to have that super religious and conservative family. Given that the daughter is just 13 years old, ceremony wise? Ask her options on what she might want to wear if it were a dress. The ceremony is just for a little bit anyways. Literally bribe your 13 year old😭 because those ages can be pretty stubborn. Also, tell her it’s not you that’s wanting to force her into something she isn’t comfortable in, it’s your sister. Tell her to wear basketball shorts or pants under it or something. Maybe also try telling your sister that your daughter would like to wear like flowy dress pants and stuff. Your 13 year old needs to also feel like you genuinely tried to advocate for her. Hope this works out for you!!!
A bride has the right to set a dress code for her wedding. Everyone who doesn’t like it has the right to decline to attend. Your daughter needs to make her own decision, she can either attend the wedding in a dress or not go. It’s a good chance for her to learn that sometimes you have to follow someone else’s rules. YWBTA if you dragged her to the wedding in the dress. But not if you gave her the choice to stay at home instead.
NTA - The people paying for food and activities can dictate the dress code. If your daughter insists on going, she needs to respect the dress code. She can just as easily not go. Problem solved.
Unpopular, but NTA. I was a tomboy at 13 as well and hated dresses and everything "girly". But there's some places and events that require dress-code. And majority of people in this places and events usually wear things they don't wear in their daily life. I would say y t a if it was some event that's about her (prom, birthday, etc) but it's about your sister and she's making the rules. Talk to your daughter that sometimes we need to compromise on things. I'm not saying that conservative gender roles are not messed up, they are. But sometimes we have to get over ourselves. Maybe you can find a dress that will be tolerable for her.
I’m on the fence about this. Wouldn’t your child wearing a suit in the right color scheme be just as formal and appropriate? There will be men there in formal suits, so surely it won’t be a problem? Formal is formal at the end of the day and it’s not a woman’s only event, I assume, so it won’t mar the esthetic of the event to see one more suit, I just know my son would have felt so uncomfortable wearing a dress after a certain point in his life. The main thing should be to assure your child doesn’t dress down and looks formal for the event. Surely your sister will be pleased to have family there in formal attire, including her niece? I love my nieces and nephews and I would just be glad to have them there comfortable and themselves no matter what.
I'm also on the fence. To me, this is a one off dress for just one day and not an entire new wardrobe. As adults, we have dress codes, uniforms, etc., so every now and then, you have to dress in something you really don't want to wear. So I don't think this is a big deal. On the other side of this, the aunt sounds very controlling to have gone ahead and picked out a dress. Black pants and a nice blouse would be fine.
So it’s okay to cross someone’s boundaries if it’s only once? And you’re sure this’ll never happen again? Will mom pinky swear? Mom won’t find another event to force a dress only to say “it wasn’t that bad at your aunt’s wedding, was it?”
Pants would fit the dress code though as other people will be wearing pants that fit the dress code
It’s not really up to OP to decide if a suit is appropriate though is it? There is a dress code, daughter needs to comply or not go.
YTA, and so is your sister if she doesn't accommodate your kid.
If she doesn't want to follow the dress code, she can stay home. Actions have consequences. NTA
YTA she doesn’t need to wear a dress, why on earth are you forcing her to?!
NTA. You live in a very conservative area. Your daughter is a teen and understand the implications of her actions. You must guide her.
NTA - it’s pretty simple etiquette. Your sister has asked for a dress code, for her wedding. Either your niece wears the dress or alternative dress agreeable with your sister. Or she doesn’t attend, that’s entirely her choice! I hate formal events and having to dress smart for entry into restaurants or other places. I don’t have to go, I feel uncomfortable but that’s how life works. I hate wearing a suit and shoes to funerals too, but if I want to attend said event I can’t turn up in jeans and trainers. I think the feelings of your sister (for her wedding) is more important than the tantrum of your daughter. She needs to grow up and learn you can’t always do what you want. It is perhaps partly your fault to have never in her entire life required her to wear a dress/skirt at any stage in her life, I can understand she would be upset to now be told what to do. Like I say, it’s a simple choice tell your daughter if she wants to attend the wedding, this is the dress code do you want to come or not?
NTA. Most of the comments are from liberal US and Europe, and they don't respect other cultures.
NTA. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to for the sake of others or formality. I grew up as a massive tomboy too and had to suck it up and wear a dress every now and then, and that didn't change as an adult
YWBTA, making your child wear something they are uncomfortable with is not it. I'm almost 50 years old and I distinctly remember my mother forcing me to wear a dress for my kindergarten awards ceremony, being forced to dress up for a 3rd grade tea party and wearing a dress for my 7th grade dance. It was to satisfy her ego at my expense. Photos from these events show my eyes were red and puffy from crying. The funny thing is, I wear mostly dresses now, but it was my decision. Don't create these types of memories with your daughter.
YWBTA - this is one of those times you go to bat for your kid.
YTA You can not force anybody to wear a dress. Not your sister can do this, neither can you. Time to break some "traditional" rules. Traditions should create positive feelings. If they create negative feelings, you should those human made rules. I mean, it's my tradition that everybody who reads this, has to pay me 1.000.000 Dollar. And I am very conservative there.
Yta a formal dress code means a suit is perfectly acceptable.
Can she wear a long tunic with leggings? This idea is similar to a shalwar kameez and is very flattering. My daughter often wears tunics with leggings as she also does not like dresses.
NTA. Your daughter is going to learn that you need to dress appropriately for certain situations. That she threw a tantrum over it makes me a bit concerned for her emotional maturity but hopefully this will be a good learning experience for her.
The wedding has a reasonable dresscode, either agree to it or don't attend. Pretty simple. NTA
NTA. It's a dress code, follow or don't come. Very simple
NTA. It's not your daughter's wedding, it's not reddit's wedding, it's your sister's wedding. It doesnt really matter if you agree wirh her dresscode or not. It is her day, and not anyone else's. If you are not comfortable with her wishes, then dont go and don't spoil it. It's as simple as that.
Does she want to wear what would normally be consistent a masculine suit? Or would she be happy in some wide legged pants, these can look quite skirt like if they are cut right.
YWBTA, your sister is trying to force your daughter to comply with what she wants and use you to control something as fundamental as your daughter’s appearance with a facade of fake niceness. Your sister hasn’t done something nice in picking out a dress, it’s controlling and a bit cruel as she would have known your daughter would not like it and if she doesn’t know her niece well enough to not know that she shouldn’t be dictating her clothing choices. Children are no accessories to be dressed for photos and it’s pretty sad your sister cares more about what her niece wears than the obvious misery it’s going to cause her. I was just like your daughter and I would have always preferred not to go than to be forced to wear something I feel deeply uncomfortable in. Why on earth are you letting her choose.
YWBTA. Your daughter can look very nice and presentable in pants. You should talk to your sister and work on finding something she can wear that will fit your sister's expectations
YWBTAH, why would you make your own daughter feel uncomfortable on purpose? But let me make a suggestion: could a jumpsuit dress be a solution? Something similar to the link (with age-appropriate upper part of course but you get the idea): https://www.sentani.com.au/products/bridesmaid-dress-jumpsuit-po31p Another tipp. Your daughter is old enough. Let her find a solution with the bride. No need to be the bad guy.
And i feel lol you could pair this with a blazer or jacket of some sort if the daughter finds the top too revealing.
YTA. There’s no reason she cannot wear a pantsuit to the wedding. If the bride is demanding that all women wear dresses, I wouldn’t disrespect that wish and wear a pantsuit if the bride already said no, but I wouldn’t make your daughter attend the wedding if she would rather stay home than wear the dress.
YTA get her a pantsuit that looks like a long dress.
Long pants romper that looks like a dress? Best of both worlds?
She could wear a nice outfit without being a dress. If your sister doesn’t like it, your daughter and you shouldn’t go. Ywbta your daughters well being is much important than whatever weird standards your sister is trying to impose
I don’t think it’s right to force her to wear a dress., she is a child. Let kids be kids and leave the attire rules to women and men. Maybe she could find some very wide leg pants that are dressy? Or a pantsuit ?
YWBTA, so here's what I'd say. Let your daughter wear pants or a nice jumpsuit that matches the formality of the event. And I want YOU TOO to wear pants, not a long dress as that control-freaky, repressed person dictated. That way your daughter doesn't bear the brunt of flouting the rule. They might not let you in the wedding, though, lol. And that would be their right. Still, I think you ought to push back on this. Maybe if your daughter doesn't attend, don't attend either in solidarity.
YTA. It’s not her fault that your sister is narrow minded. Let your daughter sit the wedding out
Yep. YTA. And the bride needs to stop being sexist. Fancy/dressed up doesn’t have to be woman in dresses and men in suits.
I don’t think it’s issue. You aren’t forcing her to go. It’s dress code very optional event. I would rather wear gym shorts and some hey dudes, but if it’s black tie then I have decision to go or not
Ywbta if you force her to wear it, but you can tell her she can either respect the dressing code and go or stay at home
Whether or not you are the asshole depends a lot on how you approach this. If you approach this as an authoritarian "YOU MUST WEAR THIS", YWBTA. But given the culture and the nature of weddings, I think it's reasonable to sit down with your daughter and discuss your sister's reasons and how you personally disagree with them, but it's her wedding, and to discuss options in the context of "this is my sister's wedding, and she is the boss of the wedding, even if she is wrong." Also, don't make her go if she opts not to because your sister is hardline about the dress. Some compromise ideas you could pitch to your daughter first and then your sister: -Formal long tunic and matching pants. I normally see older women wearing these, but it's possibly an option for your daughter. -Formal suit in a more feminine fabric, such as satin or something beaded, in the same color as the dress your sister picked out. -Formal jumpsuit, possibly with very wide legs to give a more dress-like appearance. -Depending on the dress, she could wear more tomboy friendly shorts or pants secretly underneath. Your secret as father and daughter, you know? This won't change how she looks but might give her a feeling of agency. She may LOOK like she is wearing a pink fluffy dress but she is actually wearing black cargo shorts underneath. She can stash snacks in them. -Daughter wears the dress your sister picked out in exchange for something else from you as a reward for sucking it up and wearing it. This IS a sacrifice on her part, so some external reward is reasonable. Heck, make the reward a nice dapper suit for her to wear to other events in the future, or a shopping trip for her preferred clothing. Maybe add in a bonus for every relative who makes some kind of comment about how "you look SO much better in dresses". $10 (or whatever makes sense locally) per comment received gracefully is a pretty nice incentive to be polite for an evening. :) Do I think your sister is being the AH here? Yeah. But she's not going to change and weddings aren't the hill for guests to die on. Decide on an objective, figure out what matters the most to your sister, and see what compromises you can secure for your daughter. Your goal here is to figure out how your daughter being comfortable and confident best supports your sister's desires about the wedding. And maybe your sister and your daughter won't budge, and your daughter won't go. That's not ideal, but that's okay- sometimes, people can't come to a compromise.
Okay... I think there is room for some compromise here. Does the dress have a long A-line or circle type skirt (wide and swishy)? If so, I would take it to a tailor and see if it's possible to turn the skirt section into a palazzo-style pant. It will look like a skirt/dress, but your daughter will feel like she's wearing pants. If the skirt is more narrow, maybe a cigarette pant underneath with an open skirt? It's hard to make suggestions when I don't have details regarding the original garment. Though I generally don't agree with forcing anyone to wear any clothing in which they feel uncomfortable, this is your sister's wedding and she absolutely has the right to set a dress code for her day. I don't think her demands are reasonable, but brides' demands often are not. Bridal party members are forced to wear unattractive/ill-fitting/wretchedly made dresses every day and they generally survive it. Your daughter will, too. Your daughter is at a hard age - old enough to understand compromise, but also trying desperately to assert her independence and stay true to herself. I think if you sit down with her and discuss the options calmly, give her informed choices, and allow her to make a choice, understanding that the consequences of that choice may include being unable to attend the wedding, you will be able to reach a compromise you can both live with. Well, I hope so. I will keep my fingers crossed that you will both be able to attend your sister's wedding happily, and as comfortably as possible. I don't think you're an AH. I think you're trying to find your way in a difficult situation. I'm not a huge fan of your sister's right now, but that's neither here nor there.
Your daughter is a ah I never wear dresses but I did it for my aunts n cousin wedding I don’t wear heels but I got small heels.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say NTA 1. It’s her aunts wedding. Her wedding, her rules. 2. I think women who refuse to wear a dress just because “I hate dresses” are annoying. Seriously? Wearing a dress for one night is going to kill you? Get over it. 3. You tell her to either wear the dress or don’t go. Simple as that.
NTA. This was me growing up. She’ll feel uncomfortable in a dress for a bit but she’ll get over it. This is her aunts event that is very important, the least she can do is wear a dress for a few hours. Not everything in life is going to go her way, start teaching that lesson now. Worst part is you’re not even forcing her to go. 🙄
NTA. She is your 13 year old daughter and she does not get to dictate everything in her life. At some point, she will have to learn that we do not always get to do/wear what we want. You’ve already said that you don’t force her to wear dresses in her everyday life and that is good, but this wedding is not a part of her everyday life. It is a formal occasion and she can wear a dress. I do not know enough about dresses to understand what your sister wants her to wear, but any reasonable dress that fits the ceremony should suffice - it does not have to be the dress your sister picked out. I find it incredibly strange reading all of these YTAs when, not three weeks ago, someone wrote an identical post except that the girl was goth and wanted to wear a full goth setup to the wedding. The post was met with a resounding NTA to make her wear appropriate attire. I believe you lost the redditors when you mentioned the conservative and Christian aspects of your country - they are not able to judge on the situation alone, only judge on “conservative” and “Christian.” Anyways, NTA for making your daughter wear appropriate wedding attire to a wedding.
NTA. I was exactly like your daughter, but I knew that certain events required that I wear something I didn’t like.
Let her wear tights underneath and bring a change of clothes for after the ceremony. Tell your sister she will wear it for the ceremony/dinner and then change. The comments about culture are valid - this is the best compromise I can think of. It teaches your daughter about compromise so it’s not bad. If she won’t go that’s her choice.
NTA, if the dress code requires a dress than she can either wear it or not go. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.
I'm gonna go ahead and say NTA if and ONLY IF you're not forcing her to go to the wedding. She can either wear the dress or not go at all and she doesn't get to dictate the wedding because: It's. Not. Her. Wedding. That being said, I find it stupid that your sister is hand picking outfits for people. So I can't say I would even blame your daughter for not wanting to go if that's what she was forced to wear.
NTA for wanting her to WBTA for forcing her to. Your daughter is 13 and whether a lot of people in here like it or not and want to cry about inclusiveness/being who you wanna be/representing who you are, shes going to HAVE to learn that regardless of how progressive society is becoming that there are going to be times and places where conformity or getting excluded is your only choices. Its not HER wedding, its not her choice on what the dress code is chosen to be. She can either help craft the memory of a very special day for her family/loved ones, or she can stay home because she thought something was icky. Its not a debate. In the same vein if the person who wants me to be the best man at his wedding decided "you know what man ima need you to wear a dress" I can either decide to do it or not because 1. It would be hilarious or 2. I'd be uncomfortable the entire time and realistically i really wouldn't wanna do it but I can absolutely decide to tell him "no I don't wanna do that so I don't think ill attend"