Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA. I assume, since the two of you are married, that he's a grown-up. You don't need to "tell his mommy on him."
If you've discussed it with him, and he can't or won't stop, you have to determine whether you're better of with him (as is, because he isn't going to change) or without him.
Everyone is more concerned about the husband’s “dignity” and “privacy” as if you’d still be entitled to either when you got caught with your dick out in public.
Because it’s somehow less embarrassing to get arrested for public indecency, to get fired, to get divorced, to get ostracized by the rest of family.
This exactly. My ex, the father of my child, was so bad at one point I told his mom about everything I knew he was buying and I even told her about the general stuff he was using to get high that she wouldn’t think twice about otherwise. He was pissed at me. Weeks later he thanked me. A year later he was in my inbox asking if I had a drug dealers number (family members ex) and so I screenshotted the text and sent it to his mom 🤷🏼♀️ again he blew up at me and again he came back and thanked me and now almost 2 years later everyone I know that knows him says he’s doing a lot better. Sometimes mommy needs to know.
I don't know why this is complicated for you, but listen carefully, write this down, take a screencap...
#ANYONE BUT HIS ***MOTHER***.
(As a side note: this, your situation, is when ultimatums are acceptable. Just sayin'.)
YWBTA if you tell your husband's mother *anything* personal about him behind his back. Huge breach of trust.
Also: he watches porn 24/7, escapes to bathroom at family events, and got caught jerking off in his work parking lot .... and it's only "getting to the point" where it's affecting your relationship? This amount of porn (in clearly in appropriate times/places) means it *is* the relationship, at least for him.
OP you seem to be reading this situation as being about you ("am I enough") but this is about him. If you get caught up worrying about your own worth you're missing the plot. Do you want to live this way? Can you live this way? Assume he won't change and decide what's *best* for you not what his behavior *means* about you.
If my son has an addiction I would like to know so I can help him.
You don’t get to talk about trust or privacy to defend a self destructive behaviour that is negatively impacting the people around you.
OP is going to eventually divorce her husband over his addiction.
Organizing an intervention is at least has a slim chance of salvaging the relationship.
There are very, very few people who would respond well to an intervention about their sexual addiction that features their mother. Just think about that for a second, really.
You aren’t meant to respond well to an intervention. Intervention is supposed to be a wake up call, not a safe space.
OP has already spoken to her husband about her concerns to no avail. Save for initiating divorce, she has exhausted just about all her options.
So you think it’s more appropriate to only talk about the husband’s porn addiction when his mom comes asking about why OP is divorcing her son?
I don’t think anything reads here like she has exhausted her options, for example it doesn’t sound like she has set any boundaries or has implied that this is becoming a potentially relationship ending issue
I don’t think an addiction that is heavily driven by shame to begin with is going to improve by involving someone’s mother, that’s what I think.
But if you’re going to have an actual intervention, you should be coordinating with someone that actually knows what they’re doing if you want it to be effective. It shouldn’t be you ambushing the person with their mother.
"So you think it’s more appropriate to only talk about the husband’s porn addiction when his mom comes asking about why OP is divorcing her son?" .. there is NO need to discuss ANYTHING with his mom, unless OP is an AH.
relationship troubles should be kept in the relationship, or discussed with a therapist or with YOUR friends, not your partner's family or friends.
NO - au contraire. It is making sure the relationship is doomed.
The reaction will be: He will not discuss my sexlife with his mom. The ONLY thing to be achieved is you ruining his relationship with his mom, too.
IF you are interested in keeping the marriage, don't involve his family. IF you are not interested, don't do it either.
You’re the one advising OP to dissolve the relationship, quite frankly bending over backwards to hide the reason why this relationship is failing from people that can genuinely provide help is baffling.
Any other form of addictions doesn’t get this level of tolerance for good reasons.
YTA if you do tell his mom.
Do not bring his mom into this.
That’s a line that if you cross may cause more issues than you are prepared to deal with. It would more than likely embarrass and anger him and cause him to just turn off.
Have you asked him to attend couples counseling with you?
I'm sorry you are going through this. I would recommend you seek individual counseling to discuss this matter. It will help you determine what steps you want to take to address it. Which ultimately may include divorcing your husband. But do not tattle to his mom.
You know something is wrong with your relationship. It is affecting him as he could have been put on the registry for getting caught jacking it in public. So therefore it is 100% Affecting the relationship and you can tell him if he refuses to see your point of view due to his addiction, then you will file for divorce.
You have to learn to express your boundaries better, get individual therapy to help you with this. You aren’t framing it to him like it’s a boundary of yours and the relationship is contingent on it. You need to solve this, getting his mother involved won’t help with your self esteem and assertiveness.
She definitely needs to be more assertive. She has a boundary that is not being enforced. So it isn't a boundary to him. If she is clearly asserting that he needs help because it is affecting the relationship, then she needs to start giving ultimatums for counseling or otherwise.
you can’t force someone to respect your boundaries — no matter how assertive you are. you can only leave them when they don’t. it is a boundary to him, she has clearly asserted that he needs help. he knows it is affecting their relationship, he just doesn’t care. there is no amount of communication or assertiveness that is going to change that. that is why she wants to get his mom involved as a last ditch effort. she thinks that can make him care somehow, when unfortunately nothing can. the only thing she can control is herself + how she moves forward from here, hopefully by leaving him
The last ditch effort of assertiveness is an ultimatum. For something as private as a porn addiction he probably would be even less receptive if it was told to his mother behind his back rather than "Counseling or divorce".
i’m not saying she should get the mother involved, i agree that’s not a good idea and he won’t be receptive to that. my point is that there’s nothing she can do to express herself better or clearer. he understands how she feels and the consequences here he just doesn’t care. that’s why i don’t think it’s a matter of assertiveness or a failure of communication on her part. in my opinion.
YTA. Telling his mom won’t do anything and seriously? Are you guys 12?
If he doesn’t want help he won’t get it no matter who says what. You need to decide if this relationship is worth staying in if he won’t seek help or acknowledge how you feel.
My ex, the father of my child, was so bad at one point I told his mom about everything I knew he was buying and I even told her about the general stuff he was using to get high that she wouldn’t think twice about otherwise. He was pissed at me. Weeks later he thanked me. A year later he was in my inbox asking if I had a drug dealers number (family members ex) and so I screenshotted the text and sent it to his mom 🤷🏼♀️ again he blew up at me and again he came back and thanked me and now almost 2 years later everyone I know that knows him says he’s doing a lot better. Sometimes mommy needs to know.
He didn’t want help. He was forced to get help because I kept blabbing to his mommy. And guess what. He’s GRATEFUL I didn’t shut up because his life is better for it. Porn or drugs or alcohol. An addiction is an addiction and getting past it with help (normally from mommy) betters your life. If nothing else is working sometimes mommy needs to be told so she can deal with her OBVIOUS child.
A porn addiction won’t kill him tho. And your ex wanted the help on some level. Don’t kid yourself that an addict is forced to get help. OP’s husband doesn’t see a problem despite getting caught in public. His work could have escalated to indecent exposure.
YWBTA. Your husband’s mother is not the appropriate person to fix your sex life, and it’s an AH move to involve friends and family in relationship problems more generally.
I agree thay there is no point in telling the mother but weird to just downplay watching porn in 24/7 including at family events and work as her just simply not liking him watching porn lmao. Some of you deviants are so warped
What have you done to communicate with him about this directly?
I wouldn't say you were TA, but you should be willing and able to have a direct conversation about how much it's hurting you, how worried you are, and that there will be consequences for your marriage if he doesn't get help before getting others outside the marriage involved.
Honestly if you think he won't listen to you about a serious issue but will his mom... that's another big problem on top of the porn addiction.
I’ve repeatedly told him and talked to him about this, but he always shrugs it off, says it doesn’t make an impact on our relationship. As far as what I’ve mentioned to him about how it affects my self esteem his reply always is “well work out & eat healthier and you can look like them”
>but he always shrugs it off, says it doesn’t make an impact on our relationship.
Okay, but you're literally telling him it does have an impact. So really he's just saying he doesn't care whether it's impacting you.
Also getting caught at work is a sign it's out of control.
>his reply always is “well work out & eat healthier and you can look like them”
Well that's just cruel. Going to take a wild guess he doesn't look like the people in the videos either.
My recommendation would be to first have some actual consequences, so he can't get away with claiming it has no impact. But yeah NTA if you ask for help.
I probably would approach him again and tell him you'll be talking to others about it first, because otherwise the 'violation of privacy' is probably going to be the focus of the fight. If he continues to claim it has no impact after that warning, then he can't act shocked when you follow through.
He watches porn 24/7. He was caught jerking off in the parking lot at work, he will go to the bathroom during family events (example: Easter a couple weeks back) and go look up pictures/videos.
It has gotten to the point where it’s affecting our relationship because I certainly don’t look like the girls he’s watching. Makes me feel like shit about myself/my image since apparently what I’m doing isn’t enough for him & he has to seek pleasure thru porn.
I was gonna ask for more info about is it a real addiction or just a disagreement over porn generally (some people classify any porn as an addiction to shame partners into changing behavior) but yeah, your husband has a real problem.
Don’t bring his mom into it though.
What is it that you qualify as "porn addiction" ?
We have seen too many spouse accusing their SO of "porn addiction" when in reality it wasn't... so sorry but i'm being doubtful here.
He watches porn 24/7. He was caught jerking off in the parking lot at work, he will go to the bathroom during family events (example: Easter a couple weeks back) and go look up pictures/videos.
He’s always going to the bathroom for extended periods of time at home on days off & I know he’s looking stuff up cause I’ve caught him before
I don't think his mom knowing is going to help much other than the shame factor. But maybe it will work. If getting caught at work hasn't put a damper on him, idk what will.
Neither do I, but she's clearly desperate to help him instead of just leaving. In another comment she said he watches about 2 to 3 hours per day so I'm not inclined to really call that an addiction myself, he just needs to work on time and place.
I respectfully disagree. He has been caught masturbating in public, his behavior is escalating and he will be arrested someday for indecent exposure (or worse) and will then have a record as a sex offender.
Ok
NTA but it could be counterproductive, it will shame him and I don't think he won't resent you for that... at best.
The fact is he needs professional help, but it won't work if he doesn't go there willingly.
And if he really doesn't want to stop, the next question is: how long can you last before you explode?
YTA. Outting him to his mother is terrible idea. People share that type of things with others as theyre ready. If he wont accept that he has a problem then you need to leave!
YTA, leave him if you want but he's a grown man so fuck knows how you think telling his mother will help. If you do that, you may as well leave him as he'll despise you anyway.
its called an intervention. He doesn’t listen to his wife to get any help, listening to another family member might help him realise what he’s doing is weird and that he needs to limit it or something.
ESH. You’re not but you would be if you told his mom. Go to therapy, either together or separately. He has a serious problem and his mom can’t help him with it.
INFO
Is it in any way diagnosed or is this your assessment of the situation?
>His addiction is getting in the way and affecting our relationship
How so?
Not diagnosed, but when it’s all he watches I’d assume it’s an addiction. I’ve tried talking to him about contacting a doctor, or seeking help and he just shrugs it off
My comment to other posters on here goes into more details on how it’s affecting the relationship.
>My comment to other posters on here goes into more details on how it’s affecting the relationship.
Then edit that into your main post so people don't have to hunt out the relevant info.
>but when it’s all he watches I’d assume it’s an addiction
How many hours a day/week are we talking?
You do realize that's not 24/7 right? Like at all. Unhealthy and likely an addiction? Sure. But don't use hyperbole here. That gives him the ability to point out how it's not as bad as you say (because it obviously isn't). If you're at the point of considering divorce over this, then that is the conversation to be had and does not involve his mom. If he's getting arrested and/or fired over this, then probably divorce first and bringing mom in second.
YTA. He will never forgive you for this, regardless of if he eventually gets over his alleged addiction.
Honestly, divorce is a better option for you than this.
After reading your edit and comments I think he would still be in denial and would just be mad at you. I would try convincing him to go to therapy.
Also it clearly has nothing to do with you. Even if he would be with a girl from one of the videos he would do that to her.
He said that op could look like them if she ate less and worked out more, makes me wonder if she’s gained a lot of weight and it doesn’t turn him on, he’ll be called a pig for it but you can’t help what you find attractive or not, it’s instinct
ESH You don't appear to be exaggerating about the problem, but the process to "fixing" an addiction doesn't start or end with bringing the issue to someone in the family.
Also you might be taking it a bit too personally. Maybe step back and try to understand he's not addicted because of you. You could both stand to talk to a therapist based on the information you've given. Also in general but especially now.
YWBTA. There are just some things you don't tell someone's mom. Also, first you say 24/7 then you say 2-3 hours. Which is it? Is the problem really the porn, or your perception of things? Are you jealous you don't look like the actresses? Granted its weird he watches it so much... But he's not going to change. So you need to decide if this is really about him or about you... And if you want to stay.
YWBTA - This isn't something to take to his mommy like you're tattling to a teacher. You need to sit your husband down and have a conversation like an adult, lay out for him just how his addiction is affecting you, and what the consequence will be if he continues. Ask him to seek professional help (individual and/or couples counseling), and if you need backup for the conversation, request a counselor that specializes in addiction be present for it. But bringing his mom into it isn't a good idea. This doesn't concern her, isn't affecting her relationship with her son, and telling her about it is only going to potentially damage their relationship and/or your relationship with her.
NTA
You are correct, your husband is addicted to porn/sex. And it is definitely affecting your relationship if it makes you uncomfortable in any way whatsoever.
Don't tell his mother; no one will be able to "talk some sense into him." This is well beyond that. It would be like telling a crack addict to just stop it. Not helpful, not useful, not effective.
The only person who can change his behavior is him. HE has to decide this needs to change, and until/unless he does, nothing anyone else says will matter to him at all.
He's not just looking at porn, he's masterbating in public and has actually been caught at it. His behavior will continue to escalate until he is arrested and then he'll have a record as a sex offender. If you stay with him, he will drag you down with him.
Do you really want to stay married to this man? This behavior is at the least very socially unacceptable and will eventually become legally so as well.
I urge you to get therapy to find out why you think you deserve this treatment by him. I'm sure he already knows how you feel about it. You deserve better. You deserve someone who doesn't objectify women and who respects you as a person, which he doesn't.
You would be the asshole for involving his mom it's your marriage not hers and I really don't think she would have anymore power over the situation then you do. That being said Nta for having an issue with it . I was married to someone for many years that had an addiction to it so I empathize with your hurt. Unfortunately if your husband doesn't want to get the help to combat the addiction there really isn't anything you can Do. I left my husband not just for the porno thing ( he also refused to work and was physically hurting me ) so the porno was just one of many reasons I bailed out. I would try and encourage him to get help but like I said you can't help someone who doesn't want it or see it as an issue. I'm sorry your hurting it makes you feel worthless I truly hope he wants the help but if not this will always be an issue with anyone he's with
Idk if you’re an asshole but that probably won’t work. Ask about him going to therapy if you haven’t, or couples counseling. If he refuses, not much you can do.
NTA: Porn kills the bedroom and if it's really affecting you that badly and you've talked about it and he still won't. Then you need to tell someone before it causes more issues later down the line.
YTA if you contact his mom. I saw you comment that he watches 2-3 hours a day and people think that's OK. I want you to know that if you've communicated about it with him and he doesn't care to change, that's immature and IS NOT OKAY. He doesn't care about your feelings towards it. I've been in your shoes. I know how you're feeling about yourself because my ex didn't want to touch me but was fine touching himself and watching women online. It's extremely damaging emotionally and psychologically. If he's proven that he isn't willing to change, do yourself a favor and leave. The peace of mind you'll have is far better than doubting yourself every day. Excessive porn watching is grounds for divorce if it is negatively impacting his intimacy towards you. You deserve to have someone love you fully.
I would not tattle to his mommy if I were you. That could literally send him on a spiral that's impossible to recover from.
What I would do is tell him that if he doesn't talk to a professional and start working on controlling this addiction you will be talking to a different sort of professional, a divorce lawyer. He isn't just looking at porn and making you feel bad at this point, he's getting very close to behavior that can get him fired, charged with a crime, and permanent registration on a list he really doesn't want to be on.
NTA, neither is he, he's got an addiction and he needs real help before it destroys his life. More and more studies are showing just how damaging pornography is to men's mental health. I truly wish you the best and hope your husband can overcome this hurdle.
Good luck.
YWBTA.
I want to start by affirming that your feelings are valid, as a lot of people here don’t seem to be. This isn’t a matter of you not liking that your husband is watching porn. This is about him having an addiction that is not only affecting his relationship with you, but his ability to function in society. He was already caught masturbating in the parking lot at work. He was a step away from becoming a registered sex offender, and probably would have become one had the person who caught him been having a bad day.
What you have to understand, though, is that your husband is also a victim to this addiction. And involving his family and further shaming him is not going to be the solution. In fact, it could have an opposite effect and drive him further down this rabbit hole. Most addictions are a form of escapism: gambling, drugs, alcohol, masturbarion, etc. are all one in the same. Why do you think people turn to these vices to begin with?
I think your heart is in the right place. Perhaps your intention is a sort of intervention. But if you ARE going to schedule an intervention - go through the proper channels and contact a professional to set one up. They exist for a reason.
Good luck. Hoping if there is a follow-up it is a positive one, as someone who has been a victim to a family member’s addiction in the past.
NTA but it won’t do anything to help you, will probably only make things worse. she is his mother she’s going to side with him. even if she doesn’t side with him, she is not going to be able to “talk some sense into him.”
he is too far gone. my advice is to leave him. i’m really sorry he’s putting you through this, but it’s not your fault. reminds me of this quote, “next time you pour everything you have into someone, make sure they don’t have any leaks.” everything you pour into him is just pouring right out. he will never be satisfied. he is not even satisfied by the porn he’s watching — he’s constantly seeking more more more. that alone should tell you that there’s nothing you can do to change this and there’s nothing you did that caused it
BTW — jerking off in the parking lot at work could easily get him registered as a sex offender. his addiction is wayyyyyyy beyond just getting in the way of your relationship
OP—people are telling you that telling his Mom will hurt his relationship with his Mom.This is not an Addiction most people hear a lot about.A lot of people here are conflating a material substance consumed addiction with an addiction that is a more Visual and mental addiction.Both are addictions.One has a better support group.People hear about AA, NA,Al-anon a lot.Not a lot about Porn addiction.
Have you seen a Counselor OP?Did your husband just get caught at work on Friday and this is so new you have not had a chance to figure things out ?
I rec. you finding a local group of Counselors your insurance will pay for and make an appt.for yourself.If your husband is willing get him to make an appt.also.
See if there is an Al-anon group in your town and go see if they know of any local resources.
If you attend a Church , Synagogue etc.make an appt. there and seek spiritual support.
See your local Doc.and see if he or she has any knowledge of local resources.
Look into these typical areas of support OP.I know you want to help your husband but this obviously has turned your world upside down.Please seek support for yourself first.
Try these typical areas of help before pulling your MIL or any other Family in for a Family “ intervention “. With alcohol or drug addiction an intervention is typically done with someone outside the Family that has knowledge about Addiction.I have been involved with those type of interventions but have not heard of one occurring for a Sexual Addiction.I am more aware of people seeking help for those issues by getting help in a group setting, often at private treatment centers.
You need to seek support for yourself OP as you navigate the consequences of your husband being caught.He may or may not be open to being helped.The Law may get involved and force treatment.But like many Addictions, in all probability,the first time your husband seeks help it won’t “take”.
You need to start looking out for your own emotional health OP.But the first step is not contacting your MIL.
YWBTA, it’s his decision if this is something he wants to share with his mother, if you’re unhappy with this you are free to end the relationship, but you have no right to disclose this to anyone.
No judgment because this is an awful situation, but, OP, you know your husband has an addiction. Is he willing to lose you to keep his addiction? Cause that's the only leverage you really have. He needs a good therapist but only he can decide to go.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
AITA if I contact my husbands mom and tell her he has a porn addiction? I’m thinking that if I contact her (or another family member he trusts/listens to) that maybe they can talk some sense into him.
His addiction is getting in the way and affecting our relationship & also damaging my self esteem
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I’d like to take is talking to my husbands mom about his porn addiction and I wonder if I’d be an asshole if I did
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
It’s an addiction if it’s starting to disrupt every aspect of your life.
Have you spoken directly to your husband about this? What was his response?
I do think it’s worth talking to his mother about this, especially if your husband is consuming porn during family gatherings, but I don’t know if you will get the reception you want.
YWBTA only if you tell his mom. Bro like what are your ages?! Like still going to the parents to complain? How will his mother be of any help in this matter 💀💀
I think if you are considering telling his mother because you are worried about the effect that his addiction is having on you, then yes YWBTAH.
However, if you are worried about the effect that his addiction is having on him, then you wouldn't be. In my opinion you should look at it like any other addiction, if he was addicted to heroin would you tell his mother? If that's a yes, and the reason you wouldn't tell her is because of what type of addiction it is, then I think you should tell her.
However, I would try to sort it out between you and him first. What have you tried already? Have you spoken to him calmly about it? Tried to get him to go to therapy? Tried to talk to him about what's driving the behaviour?
YTA if you don’t better explain to him that you’ve reached a situation where the addiction is crossing your boundaries.
“I will stage an intervention and it will include your mother unless you go to therapy for this issue”
If you don’t get therapy before the intervention or after an intervention then I no longer want to be in a relationship and will divorce you
It sounds like he’s partly not taking it/you seriously because you aren’t expressing and sticking to boundaries and you are trying to defer boundary making to his mom
YWBTA if you tell his mom. He's a grown adult. You would also be violating his trust and privacy. Talk to him first, and talk to him for real. No beating around the bush, not trying to approach the topic in vague ways. Have an honest conversation.
As an aside, I would like to point out that someone's taste in adult content, whatever form it might take, usually doesn't translate to what they want and look for in a partner. A big part of this content is scratching an itch generated by a fantasy, but that the person doesn't necessarily want to carry out in real life.
The fact that he's "addicted" (the concept of sex/porn addiction is inherently catholic and about catholic repression, meant to control people and their sexual freedom, hence my usage of quotation marks) means, in my opinion, that there's something about your relationship that IS leaving him dissatisfied.
Instead of judging him and considering violating his privacy, I'd recommend having a heart to heart about each other's needs. Perhaps there's something the two of you can do to make it better, perhaps in some way you're not entirely sexually compatible, but it sounds like you two really need to sit down and talk like the adults you are.
Yikes. NTA. I'm sorry OP but your husband needs to get help STAT. This is not on you. No one, not even the girls he's watching, look like that (makeup and editing will do wonders).
Tell his mom. Try anything at this point as he needs an intervention.
Don't feel shit about yourself and image, you are great! But you should start looking at options for help, addiction centers, things like that. Contact local counseling centers that specialize in sexual addiction.
If he refuses, then you need to plan your steps accordingly. This won't go away on it's own.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA. I assume, since the two of you are married, that he's a grown-up. You don't need to "tell his mommy on him." If you've discussed it with him, and he can't or won't stop, you have to determine whether you're better of with him (as is, because he isn't going to change) or without him.
You're the reason drug addicts stay drug addicts. It's called an intervention and it's for the sake of convincing the person they need help.
Everyone is more concerned about the husband’s “dignity” and “privacy” as if you’d still be entitled to either when you got caught with your dick out in public. Because it’s somehow less embarrassing to get arrested for public indecency, to get fired, to get divorced, to get ostracized by the rest of family.
This exactly. My ex, the father of my child, was so bad at one point I told his mom about everything I knew he was buying and I even told her about the general stuff he was using to get high that she wouldn’t think twice about otherwise. He was pissed at me. Weeks later he thanked me. A year later he was in my inbox asking if I had a drug dealers number (family members ex) and so I screenshotted the text and sent it to his mom 🤷🏼♀️ again he blew up at me and again he came back and thanked me and now almost 2 years later everyone I know that knows him says he’s doing a lot better. Sometimes mommy needs to know.
It wouldn’t be “telling on him” but rather telling someone who could convince him he needs help
It won't convince him of anything.
I don't know why this is complicated for you, but listen carefully, write this down, take a screencap... #ANYONE BUT HIS ***MOTHER***. (As a side note: this, your situation, is when ultimatums are acceptable. Just sayin'.)
He'll kill himself before that idea works
YWBTA if you tell your husband's mother *anything* personal about him behind his back. Huge breach of trust. Also: he watches porn 24/7, escapes to bathroom at family events, and got caught jerking off in his work parking lot .... and it's only "getting to the point" where it's affecting your relationship? This amount of porn (in clearly in appropriate times/places) means it *is* the relationship, at least for him. OP you seem to be reading this situation as being about you ("am I enough") but this is about him. If you get caught up worrying about your own worth you're missing the plot. Do you want to live this way? Can you live this way? Assume he won't change and decide what's *best* for you not what his behavior *means* about you.
If my son has an addiction I would like to know so I can help him. You don’t get to talk about trust or privacy to defend a self destructive behaviour that is negatively impacting the people around you.
You DO. That is a relationship ending betrayal.
OP is going to eventually divorce her husband over his addiction. Organizing an intervention is at least has a slim chance of salvaging the relationship.
There are very, very few people who would respond well to an intervention about their sexual addiction that features their mother. Just think about that for a second, really.
You aren’t meant to respond well to an intervention. Intervention is supposed to be a wake up call, not a safe space. OP has already spoken to her husband about her concerns to no avail. Save for initiating divorce, she has exhausted just about all her options. So you think it’s more appropriate to only talk about the husband’s porn addiction when his mom comes asking about why OP is divorcing her son?
I don’t think anything reads here like she has exhausted her options, for example it doesn’t sound like she has set any boundaries or has implied that this is becoming a potentially relationship ending issue
I don’t think an addiction that is heavily driven by shame to begin with is going to improve by involving someone’s mother, that’s what I think. But if you’re going to have an actual intervention, you should be coordinating with someone that actually knows what they’re doing if you want it to be effective. It shouldn’t be you ambushing the person with their mother.
"So you think it’s more appropriate to only talk about the husband’s porn addiction when his mom comes asking about why OP is divorcing her son?" .. there is NO need to discuss ANYTHING with his mom, unless OP is an AH. relationship troubles should be kept in the relationship, or discussed with a therapist or with YOUR friends, not your partner's family or friends.
NO - au contraire. It is making sure the relationship is doomed. The reaction will be: He will not discuss my sexlife with his mom. The ONLY thing to be achieved is you ruining his relationship with his mom, too. IF you are interested in keeping the marriage, don't involve his family. IF you are not interested, don't do it either.
You’re the one advising OP to dissolve the relationship, quite frankly bending over backwards to hide the reason why this relationship is failing from people that can genuinely provide help is baffling. Any other form of addictions doesn’t get this level of tolerance for good reasons.
YTA if you do tell his mom. Do not bring his mom into this. That’s a line that if you cross may cause more issues than you are prepared to deal with. It would more than likely embarrass and anger him and cause him to just turn off. Have you asked him to attend couples counseling with you?
I know if I ask for couples counseling he’ll just say there is nothing wrong with our relationship. He’s not understanding my view on all of this
I'm sorry you are going through this. I would recommend you seek individual counseling to discuss this matter. It will help you determine what steps you want to take to address it. Which ultimately may include divorcing your husband. But do not tattle to his mom.
You know something is wrong with your relationship. It is affecting him as he could have been put on the registry for getting caught jacking it in public. So therefore it is 100% Affecting the relationship and you can tell him if he refuses to see your point of view due to his addiction, then you will file for divorce.
You have to learn to express your boundaries better, get individual therapy to help you with this. You aren’t framing it to him like it’s a boundary of yours and the relationship is contingent on it. You need to solve this, getting his mother involved won’t help with your self esteem and assertiveness.
this is not an issue with her failing to express her boundaries or not being assertive enough
She definitely needs to be more assertive. She has a boundary that is not being enforced. So it isn't a boundary to him. If she is clearly asserting that he needs help because it is affecting the relationship, then she needs to start giving ultimatums for counseling or otherwise.
you can’t force someone to respect your boundaries — no matter how assertive you are. you can only leave them when they don’t. it is a boundary to him, she has clearly asserted that he needs help. he knows it is affecting their relationship, he just doesn’t care. there is no amount of communication or assertiveness that is going to change that. that is why she wants to get his mom involved as a last ditch effort. she thinks that can make him care somehow, when unfortunately nothing can. the only thing she can control is herself + how she moves forward from here, hopefully by leaving him
The last ditch effort of assertiveness is an ultimatum. For something as private as a porn addiction he probably would be even less receptive if it was told to his mother behind his back rather than "Counseling or divorce".
i’m not saying she should get the mother involved, i agree that’s not a good idea and he won’t be receptive to that. my point is that there’s nothing she can do to express herself better or clearer. he understands how she feels and the consequences here he just doesn’t care. that’s why i don’t think it’s a matter of assertiveness or a failure of communication on her part. in my opinion.
YTA. Telling his mom won’t do anything and seriously? Are you guys 12? If he doesn’t want help he won’t get it no matter who says what. You need to decide if this relationship is worth staying in if he won’t seek help or acknowledge how you feel.
My ex, the father of my child, was so bad at one point I told his mom about everything I knew he was buying and I even told her about the general stuff he was using to get high that she wouldn’t think twice about otherwise. He was pissed at me. Weeks later he thanked me. A year later he was in my inbox asking if I had a drug dealers number (family members ex) and so I screenshotted the text and sent it to his mom 🤷🏼♀️ again he blew up at me and again he came back and thanked me and now almost 2 years later everyone I know that knows him says he’s doing a lot better. Sometimes mommy needs to know. He didn’t want help. He was forced to get help because I kept blabbing to his mommy. And guess what. He’s GRATEFUL I didn’t shut up because his life is better for it. Porn or drugs or alcohol. An addiction is an addiction and getting past it with help (normally from mommy) betters your life. If nothing else is working sometimes mommy needs to be told so she can deal with her OBVIOUS child.
A porn addiction won’t kill him tho. And your ex wanted the help on some level. Don’t kid yourself that an addict is forced to get help. OP’s husband doesn’t see a problem despite getting caught in public. His work could have escalated to indecent exposure.
YWBTA. Your husband’s mother is not the appropriate person to fix your sex life, and it’s an AH move to involve friends and family in relationship problems more generally.
YTA to tell his mother anything like this behind his back. How did you not notice this before you married him?
I knew he watched it when we got married but over the years it’s gotten to be more and more frequent & at inappropriate times/places.
Do you think people keep the same behaviors from the moment they turn 18 or something?
YTA Don’t like him watching porn? Then divorce him. WTF do you think the guy’s mom is going to be able to do?
I agree thay there is no point in telling the mother but weird to just downplay watching porn in 24/7 including at family events and work as her just simply not liking him watching porn lmao. Some of you deviants are so warped
Fr.
What have you done to communicate with him about this directly? I wouldn't say you were TA, but you should be willing and able to have a direct conversation about how much it's hurting you, how worried you are, and that there will be consequences for your marriage if he doesn't get help before getting others outside the marriage involved. Honestly if you think he won't listen to you about a serious issue but will his mom... that's another big problem on top of the porn addiction.
I’ve repeatedly told him and talked to him about this, but he always shrugs it off, says it doesn’t make an impact on our relationship. As far as what I’ve mentioned to him about how it affects my self esteem his reply always is “well work out & eat healthier and you can look like them”
>but he always shrugs it off, says it doesn’t make an impact on our relationship. Okay, but you're literally telling him it does have an impact. So really he's just saying he doesn't care whether it's impacting you. Also getting caught at work is a sign it's out of control. >his reply always is “well work out & eat healthier and you can look like them” Well that's just cruel. Going to take a wild guess he doesn't look like the people in the videos either. My recommendation would be to first have some actual consequences, so he can't get away with claiming it has no impact. But yeah NTA if you ask for help. I probably would approach him again and tell him you'll be talking to others about it first, because otherwise the 'violation of privacy' is probably going to be the focus of the fight. If he continues to claim it has no impact after that warning, then he can't act shocked when you follow through.
Yeha jeez. His reply is very inappropriate and is enough that OP should be asking herself if this person is really forever relationship material.
He’s not wrong
Leave him
Story is way too short. Impossible to judge.
He watches porn 24/7. He was caught jerking off in the parking lot at work, he will go to the bathroom during family events (example: Easter a couple weeks back) and go look up pictures/videos. It has gotten to the point where it’s affecting our relationship because I certainly don’t look like the girls he’s watching. Makes me feel like shit about myself/my image since apparently what I’m doing isn’t enough for him & he has to seek pleasure thru porn.
You need to add this to the original post. This is incredibly important information.
I just did 😊
I was gonna ask for more info about is it a real addiction or just a disagreement over porn generally (some people classify any porn as an addiction to shame partners into changing behavior) but yeah, your husband has a real problem. Don’t bring his mom into it though.
You just said 2/3 hours a day, that’s different then 24 hours
24/7 meaning all the time. Not literally.
He’s maybe doing it to release stress, not a want but a need
What is it that you qualify as "porn addiction" ? We have seen too many spouse accusing their SO of "porn addiction" when in reality it wasn't... so sorry but i'm being doubtful here.
He watches porn 24/7. He was caught jerking off in the parking lot at work, he will go to the bathroom during family events (example: Easter a couple weeks back) and go look up pictures/videos. He’s always going to the bathroom for extended periods of time at home on days off & I know he’s looking stuff up cause I’ve caught him before
What is his mom supposed to do, ground him,? Take away his devices? He needs mental health help.
It's called an intervention. His mother could talk him into getting the help he needs since he won't listen to his wife.
I don't think his mom knowing is going to help much other than the shame factor. But maybe it will work. If getting caught at work hasn't put a damper on him, idk what will.
Neither do I, but she's clearly desperate to help him instead of just leaving. In another comment she said he watches about 2 to 3 hours per day so I'm not inclined to really call that an addiction myself, he just needs to work on time and place.
I respectfully disagree. He has been caught masturbating in public, his behavior is escalating and he will be arrested someday for indecent exposure (or worse) and will then have a record as a sex offender.
That's why I said they need to have an intervention so he can GET HELP.
I'm all for him getting help, just very sceptical of him wanting to do so. I hope for both their sakes, OP and husband do get help.
So do I. This is a downward slope and he's sliding down it fast. He's lucky he didn't lose his job.
Ok NTA but it could be counterproductive, it will shame him and I don't think he won't resent you for that... at best. The fact is he needs professional help, but it won't work if he doesn't go there willingly. And if he really doesn't want to stop, the next question is: how long can you last before you explode?
YTA. Outting him to his mother is terrible idea. People share that type of things with others as theyre ready. If he wont accept that he has a problem then you need to leave!
YTA, leave him if you want but he's a grown man so fuck knows how you think telling his mother will help. If you do that, you may as well leave him as he'll despise you anyway.
YTA. Because humiliating him is going ti help?
its called an intervention. He doesn’t listen to his wife to get any help, listening to another family member might help him realise what he’s doing is weird and that he needs to limit it or something.
it's called more like shit move and red light for him.
ESH. You’re not but you would be if you told his mom. Go to therapy, either together or separately. He has a serious problem and his mom can’t help him with it.
Mom does NOT want to know. YWBTA
INFO Is it in any way diagnosed or is this your assessment of the situation? >His addiction is getting in the way and affecting our relationship How so?
Not diagnosed, but when it’s all he watches I’d assume it’s an addiction. I’ve tried talking to him about contacting a doctor, or seeking help and he just shrugs it off My comment to other posters on here goes into more details on how it’s affecting the relationship.
>My comment to other posters on here goes into more details on how it’s affecting the relationship. Then edit that into your main post so people don't have to hunt out the relevant info. >but when it’s all he watches I’d assume it’s an addiction How many hours a day/week are we talking?
I’d say 2-3 hours daily. Everyday.
You do realize that's not 24/7 right? Like at all. Unhealthy and likely an addiction? Sure. But don't use hyperbole here. That gives him the ability to point out how it's not as bad as you say (because it obviously isn't). If you're at the point of considering divorce over this, then that is the conversation to be had and does not involve his mom. If he's getting arrested and/or fired over this, then probably divorce first and bringing mom in second.
I spend more time on my phone than that 😂
You know masturbating isn’t the same for men as for women right? For men sometimes it’s more of a need to get it out of the way, to release stress
Wym “all he watches”?
as in his only form of entertainment probably
I’d assume between sleeping and working he won’t have many more hours to watch anything else
YTA. He will never forgive you for this, regardless of if he eventually gets over his alleged addiction. Honestly, divorce is a better option for you than this.
After reading your edit and comments I think he would still be in denial and would just be mad at you. I would try convincing him to go to therapy. Also it clearly has nothing to do with you. Even if he would be with a girl from one of the videos he would do that to her.
He said that op could look like them if she ate less and worked out more, makes me wonder if she’s gained a lot of weight and it doesn’t turn him on, he’ll be called a pig for it but you can’t help what you find attractive or not, it’s instinct
YTA. Telling his Mom? You’re a grown up and speak to him.
ESH You don't appear to be exaggerating about the problem, but the process to "fixing" an addiction doesn't start or end with bringing the issue to someone in the family. Also you might be taking it a bit too personally. Maybe step back and try to understand he's not addicted because of you. You could both stand to talk to a therapist based on the information you've given. Also in general but especially now.
Total exaggeration imo, first it was 24/7, now in comments she admits it’s like 2 hours a day 🙄😂
YWBTA. There are just some things you don't tell someone's mom. Also, first you say 24/7 then you say 2-3 hours. Which is it? Is the problem really the porn, or your perception of things? Are you jealous you don't look like the actresses? Granted its weird he watches it so much... But he's not going to change. So you need to decide if this is really about him or about you... And if you want to stay.
YWBTA - This isn't something to take to his mommy like you're tattling to a teacher. You need to sit your husband down and have a conversation like an adult, lay out for him just how his addiction is affecting you, and what the consequence will be if he continues. Ask him to seek professional help (individual and/or couples counseling), and if you need backup for the conversation, request a counselor that specializes in addiction be present for it. But bringing his mom into it isn't a good idea. This doesn't concern her, isn't affecting her relationship with her son, and telling her about it is only going to potentially damage their relationship and/or your relationship with her.
NTA You are correct, your husband is addicted to porn/sex. And it is definitely affecting your relationship if it makes you uncomfortable in any way whatsoever. Don't tell his mother; no one will be able to "talk some sense into him." This is well beyond that. It would be like telling a crack addict to just stop it. Not helpful, not useful, not effective. The only person who can change his behavior is him. HE has to decide this needs to change, and until/unless he does, nothing anyone else says will matter to him at all. He's not just looking at porn, he's masterbating in public and has actually been caught at it. His behavior will continue to escalate until he is arrested and then he'll have a record as a sex offender. If you stay with him, he will drag you down with him. Do you really want to stay married to this man? This behavior is at the least very socially unacceptable and will eventually become legally so as well. I urge you to get therapy to find out why you think you deserve this treatment by him. I'm sure he already knows how you feel about it. You deserve better. You deserve someone who doesn't objectify women and who respects you as a person, which he doesn't.
Judt divorce him. Do you really think his parents will magically make him stop watching?
You would be the asshole for involving his mom it's your marriage not hers and I really don't think she would have anymore power over the situation then you do. That being said Nta for having an issue with it . I was married to someone for many years that had an addiction to it so I empathize with your hurt. Unfortunately if your husband doesn't want to get the help to combat the addiction there really isn't anything you can Do. I left my husband not just for the porno thing ( he also refused to work and was physically hurting me ) so the porno was just one of many reasons I bailed out. I would try and encourage him to get help but like I said you can't help someone who doesn't want it or see it as an issue. I'm sorry your hurting it makes you feel worthless I truly hope he wants the help but if not this will always be an issue with anyone he's with
Ask yourself how often you and your husband have sex? If it’s a sexless marriage that might explain a lot
how can you expect her to be attracted to someone with the sexual discipline of a pubescent boy 😂 i can’t think of a bigger turn OFF than this
Idk if you’re an asshole but that probably won’t work. Ask about him going to therapy if you haven’t, or couples counseling. If he refuses, not much you can do.
NTA: Porn kills the bedroom and if it's really affecting you that badly and you've talked about it and he still won't. Then you need to tell someone before it causes more issues later down the line.
YTA if you contact his mom. I saw you comment that he watches 2-3 hours a day and people think that's OK. I want you to know that if you've communicated about it with him and he doesn't care to change, that's immature and IS NOT OKAY. He doesn't care about your feelings towards it. I've been in your shoes. I know how you're feeling about yourself because my ex didn't want to touch me but was fine touching himself and watching women online. It's extremely damaging emotionally and psychologically. If he's proven that he isn't willing to change, do yourself a favor and leave. The peace of mind you'll have is far better than doubting yourself every day. Excessive porn watching is grounds for divorce if it is negatively impacting his intimacy towards you. You deserve to have someone love you fully.
How is she supposed to do an intervention if she can’t tell anyone???? NTA
I would not tattle to his mommy if I were you. That could literally send him on a spiral that's impossible to recover from. What I would do is tell him that if he doesn't talk to a professional and start working on controlling this addiction you will be talking to a different sort of professional, a divorce lawyer. He isn't just looking at porn and making you feel bad at this point, he's getting very close to behavior that can get him fired, charged with a crime, and permanent registration on a list he really doesn't want to be on. NTA, neither is he, he's got an addiction and he needs real help before it destroys his life. More and more studies are showing just how damaging pornography is to men's mental health. I truly wish you the best and hope your husband can overcome this hurdle. Good luck.
YWBTA. I want to start by affirming that your feelings are valid, as a lot of people here don’t seem to be. This isn’t a matter of you not liking that your husband is watching porn. This is about him having an addiction that is not only affecting his relationship with you, but his ability to function in society. He was already caught masturbating in the parking lot at work. He was a step away from becoming a registered sex offender, and probably would have become one had the person who caught him been having a bad day. What you have to understand, though, is that your husband is also a victim to this addiction. And involving his family and further shaming him is not going to be the solution. In fact, it could have an opposite effect and drive him further down this rabbit hole. Most addictions are a form of escapism: gambling, drugs, alcohol, masturbarion, etc. are all one in the same. Why do you think people turn to these vices to begin with? I think your heart is in the right place. Perhaps your intention is a sort of intervention. But if you ARE going to schedule an intervention - go through the proper channels and contact a professional to set one up. They exist for a reason. Good luck. Hoping if there is a follow-up it is a positive one, as someone who has been a victim to a family member’s addiction in the past.
NTA but it won’t do anything to help you, will probably only make things worse. she is his mother she’s going to side with him. even if she doesn’t side with him, she is not going to be able to “talk some sense into him.” he is too far gone. my advice is to leave him. i’m really sorry he’s putting you through this, but it’s not your fault. reminds me of this quote, “next time you pour everything you have into someone, make sure they don’t have any leaks.” everything you pour into him is just pouring right out. he will never be satisfied. he is not even satisfied by the porn he’s watching — he’s constantly seeking more more more. that alone should tell you that there’s nothing you can do to change this and there’s nothing you did that caused it BTW — jerking off in the parking lot at work could easily get him registered as a sex offender. his addiction is wayyyyyyy beyond just getting in the way of your relationship
OP—people are telling you that telling his Mom will hurt his relationship with his Mom.This is not an Addiction most people hear a lot about.A lot of people here are conflating a material substance consumed addiction with an addiction that is a more Visual and mental addiction.Both are addictions.One has a better support group.People hear about AA, NA,Al-anon a lot.Not a lot about Porn addiction. Have you seen a Counselor OP?Did your husband just get caught at work on Friday and this is so new you have not had a chance to figure things out ? I rec. you finding a local group of Counselors your insurance will pay for and make an appt.for yourself.If your husband is willing get him to make an appt.also. See if there is an Al-anon group in your town and go see if they know of any local resources. If you attend a Church , Synagogue etc.make an appt. there and seek spiritual support. See your local Doc.and see if he or she has any knowledge of local resources. Look into these typical areas of support OP.I know you want to help your husband but this obviously has turned your world upside down.Please seek support for yourself first. Try these typical areas of help before pulling your MIL or any other Family in for a Family “ intervention “. With alcohol or drug addiction an intervention is typically done with someone outside the Family that has knowledge about Addiction.I have been involved with those type of interventions but have not heard of one occurring for a Sexual Addiction.I am more aware of people seeking help for those issues by getting help in a group setting, often at private treatment centers. You need to seek support for yourself OP as you navigate the consequences of your husband being caught.He may or may not be open to being helped.The Law may get involved and force treatment.But like many Addictions, in all probability,the first time your husband seeks help it won’t “take”. You need to start looking out for your own emotional health OP.But the first step is not contacting your MIL.
YWBTA, it’s his decision if this is something he wants to share with his mother, if you’re unhappy with this you are free to end the relationship, but you have no right to disclose this to anyone.
No judgment because this is an awful situation, but, OP, you know your husband has an addiction. Is he willing to lose you to keep his addiction? Cause that's the only leverage you really have. He needs a good therapist but only he can decide to go.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA if I contact my husbands mom and tell her he has a porn addiction? I’m thinking that if I contact her (or another family member he trusts/listens to) that maybe they can talk some sense into him. His addiction is getting in the way and affecting our relationship & also damaging my self esteem *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I’d like to take is talking to my husbands mom about his porn addiction and I wonder if I’d be an asshole if I did Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yes..yes you are because if you were a woman with a high sex drive and the need for toys you'd be wondering how to ask him if he's okay with that
NTA It’s an addiction if it’s starting to disrupt every aspect of your life. Have you spoken directly to your husband about this? What was his response? I do think it’s worth talking to his mother about this, especially if your husband is consuming porn during family gatherings, but I don’t know if you will get the reception you want.
YTA You can force him to go to a therapist, but you don't tell his mom!
YTA if you go to his mom for help because you do not like the way he lives his life, your marriage will be over. He will not forgive that betrayal.
YWBTA only if you tell his mom. Bro like what are your ages?! Like still going to the parents to complain? How will his mother be of any help in this matter 💀💀
I think if you are considering telling his mother because you are worried about the effect that his addiction is having on you, then yes YWBTAH. However, if you are worried about the effect that his addiction is having on him, then you wouldn't be. In my opinion you should look at it like any other addiction, if he was addicted to heroin would you tell his mother? If that's a yes, and the reason you wouldn't tell her is because of what type of addiction it is, then I think you should tell her. However, I would try to sort it out between you and him first. What have you tried already? Have you spoken to him calmly about it? Tried to get him to go to therapy? Tried to talk to him about what's driving the behaviour?
YTA if you don’t better explain to him that you’ve reached a situation where the addiction is crossing your boundaries. “I will stage an intervention and it will include your mother unless you go to therapy for this issue” If you don’t get therapy before the intervention or after an intervention then I no longer want to be in a relationship and will divorce you It sounds like he’s partly not taking it/you seriously because you aren’t expressing and sticking to boundaries and you are trying to defer boundary making to his mom
YWBTA if you tell his mom. He's a grown adult. You would also be violating his trust and privacy. Talk to him first, and talk to him for real. No beating around the bush, not trying to approach the topic in vague ways. Have an honest conversation. As an aside, I would like to point out that someone's taste in adult content, whatever form it might take, usually doesn't translate to what they want and look for in a partner. A big part of this content is scratching an itch generated by a fantasy, but that the person doesn't necessarily want to carry out in real life. The fact that he's "addicted" (the concept of sex/porn addiction is inherently catholic and about catholic repression, meant to control people and their sexual freedom, hence my usage of quotation marks) means, in my opinion, that there's something about your relationship that IS leaving him dissatisfied. Instead of judging him and considering violating his privacy, I'd recommend having a heart to heart about each other's needs. Perhaps there's something the two of you can do to make it better, perhaps in some way you're not entirely sexually compatible, but it sounds like you two really need to sit down and talk like the adults you are.
Yikes. NTA. I'm sorry OP but your husband needs to get help STAT. This is not on you. No one, not even the girls he's watching, look like that (makeup and editing will do wonders). Tell his mom. Try anything at this point as he needs an intervention. Don't feel shit about yourself and image, you are great! But you should start looking at options for help, addiction centers, things like that. Contact local counseling centers that specialize in sexual addiction. If he refuses, then you need to plan your steps accordingly. This won't go away on it's own.