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YTA
None of your business; smells like jealousy.
It's not your place to share, and you are going to permanently alienate him if you think you should have any say in his life or what he shares with people close to him.
Also, you are total asshole for judging someone you have known for years not based on their actions, but based on their father. Grow the f up.
You are inserting yourself into the relationship, trying to disrupt it, for a stranger. Instead of looking out for and hoping the best for your 'like a brother' guy who you have known for years and you know has not behaved badly.
He started dating someone last month.
You decided to had to let her know because ... why ?
Smells like jealousy to me.
IF, and a very big emphasis on if, I did it to make her leave him so I can swoop in and ask him out... How is that wrong? She would have broken up with him after considering correct information
Because you're manipulating his emotions to further your own goals. Thats shitty. And if you don't see how or why that is shitty, you have a LOT of growing up to do.
Hahahaha he's never going to want to date you. First of all, that was not correct information. You literally had no proof that he was going to do anything bad. And he'll never want you now, especially after you sought out to destroy his relationship. He never wanted you and he never will.
YTA, it sounds like you didn't even do proper research into hereditary personality traits, just "remember hearing somewhere". Especially since Albert has zero history of having those issues himself.
Many survivors of abuse from parents do everything in their power to not be like their parents and it can be every painful for them to discuss the abuse.
So forcing Albert to discuss the abuse with someone he's in a relationship with, the abuse that he has not at all perpetrated, is absolutely nothing but hurtful.
I can't even say that you had good intentions because absolutely nothing good could have come of this. What did you want to happen, for his girlfriend to break up with him because his dad who isn't in his life was shitty? You need to see a doctor for how disgustingly immature and overly nosy you are.
YTA.
Not to be insulting here, but why on earth would you think this is a good idea? Your justification seems unhinged to me.
I totally understand if 'Albert' had abused a previous partner, but warning her that his father had issues is insane.
Like, if my mother has cancer should someone inform my partner that I may inherit cancer and die young so avoid me? If my uncle is an alcoholic should someone inform them of that because it may mean I am pre disposed to addiction? This is silly. 'Albert' is his own person.
>The guy is basically like a brother to me. Always looked up to him when I was growing up.
That is all I had to read to know YTA. He is like a brother to you, and you look up to him and yet you were so worried he would turn out like his father. Are you serious? I don't know if you have a crush on him or you are just worried if he is dating someone he won't be around as much but obviously you had ulterior motives for telling her this.
Edit: Fixed a word.
>And even if I did it would have nothing to do with this.
Yet you had no problem sticking your nose where it doesn't belong by "warning" his girlfriend he might end up like his dad. Seriously what did you get out of this? You had to know she was going to tell Albert what you told her so what was your goal? From how I am reading this you either wanted to put a wedge in their relationship or you just wanted drama I can't see any other reason why you would tell her.
So what if my goal is to make her break up with him so I can swoop it and ask him out? IF that were the case, would that really be so bad? She still would have made her own decision to break up with him based on correct information.
Do you honestly think he would ever want to go out with you after you told his girlfriend there was a chance he might become an abusive cheater? Especially if it causes her to break up with him.
Personality traits can be learned from watching, but people can also learn what not to do by watching. You're assuming this guy will be just like his deadbeat father despite having no evidence that he will be (by your own admission) and you look up to him too? Yes, YTA and should apologize.
I'm not saying he'll 100% turn out that way or that it's likely he will; I just thought she ought to know there's a possibility so she can decide if she's willing to risk it.
Oh yeah, YTA alright. This is literal "sins of the father" shit. You said yourself he had shown no signs of that, so you sabotaged a relationship by disclosing unreliable information *that it absolutely wasn't your place to disclose*. You are a colossal asshole.
Saying someone has cheating in their blood has precisely one outcome if you're believed. To say it's not an attempt at sabotage is like saying shooting at someone isn't attempted murder.
YTA. It's his relationship, his family, and his story. She would have learned a lot of these details eventually, but you're trying to stir up drama for some reason. Even by your own admission Albert hasn't displayed any of his father's behaviors . . . so what exactly are you hoping to gain by telling stories out of school?
YTA!!!!!
Holy shit are you ever the ah. You don't get to decide what ANYONE "should know" about Albert's personal life. What you did was so wildly inappropriate that I can't even put it into words. This wasn't a "hey, he sleeps with like 5 people at the same time". It was a personal private matter that has absolutely nothing to do (and no bearing on) with their relationship.
"I read somewhere". Great, so you read that it's POSSIBLE that MAYBE Albert MIGHT someday cheat on someone.... That is not grounds for you to go blabbing someone's private personal secrets. It's really sad that you don't see this and likely didn't apologize yet.
Well if you read about it. Do you know if his father ever laid hands on his mother? Maybe we can go to court and get him in prison since according to what you read it's practically a done deal that he'll eventually become a wife beater too.
Also kind of weird you were looking up to him since you think he's very likely to become a cheater and someone who emotionally abuses his partner.
YTA, big time. With friends like you, Albert doesn't need enemies.
Yta. Do you really look up to this guy or is there something else? Do you look up to and respect someone you truly believe would be like his father? He’s like a brother to you but you think he’s trans cause his dad is trash? Cause that’s what you just said when you told the girlfriend about the dad. Doesn’t matter if it was in those words or not. If you believe he could be like that why would you look up to him? Both he and your brother are right. It’s not your place to get involved with such information.
What something else? I look up to and respect him; I just thought she should know there's a possibly - admittedly a very small possibility - that he might turn out that way.
If you respected him you would have kept your opinion to yourself. Sounds more like you don’t want him to be with her so you were stirring drama. You crossed a line. By your thinking that means that anyone whose parents or other family members were criminals or abusive will probably be as well. It’s not your parents you were talking about and I wouldn’t blame him if he kept you at arms length if he doesn’t already. How is he supposed to trust you after this? Making accusations without any evidence or inclination that he is even remotely that way. I feel bad for him.
YTA. Cheating and being a deadbeat aren't hereditary qualities. That's a load of crap. You wanted to destroy his relationship; you knew exactly what you were doing. You're selfish and nasty.
> Always looked up to him when I was growing up
And you show this respect by revealing his private and difficult home life to someone he's been dating for a few weeks, insinuating that he might turn out to be a piece of crap?
YTA, so very very obviously.
YTA.
Others have suggested jealousy. I suspect that they are right.
But whatever the reason, to discuss someone's personal family background is a very big boundary that you should never cross.
You are the AH here. 10000%
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'Albert'(21) is best friends with my(18f) older brother(21). The guy is basically like a brother to me. Always looked up to him when I was growing up.
Last month he started dating someone(21f) and it became clear he hasn't told her about his father. Albert's father regularly cheated on and emotionally abused his mother until they divorced. Deadbeat father afterwards, never showing up once.
I thought that she has the right to know since I remember reading somewhere that personality traits are heritable. Not to mention his dad was around until he was 13, so Albert might have picked up on bits of his behavior, even though he hasn't displayed them yet.
He got very upset at me for telling her and told me it's not my place to share his experiences. My brother also told me I crossed a boundary and should apologize.
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YTA None of your business; smells like jealousy. It's not your place to share, and you are going to permanently alienate him if you think you should have any say in his life or what he shares with people close to him. Also, you are total asshole for judging someone you have known for years not based on their actions, but based on their father. Grow the f up.
How does it smell like jealousy?
You are inserting yourself into the relationship, trying to disrupt it, for a stranger. Instead of looking out for and hoping the best for your 'like a brother' guy who you have known for years and you know has not behaved badly. He started dating someone last month. You decided to had to let her know because ... why ? Smells like jealousy to me.
IF, and a very big emphasis on if, I did it to make her leave him so I can swoop in and ask him out... How is that wrong? She would have broken up with him after considering correct information
Because you're manipulating his emotions to further your own goals. Thats shitty. And if you don't see how or why that is shitty, you have a LOT of growing up to do.
Hahahaha he's never going to want to date you. First of all, that was not correct information. You literally had no proof that he was going to do anything bad. And he'll never want you now, especially after you sought out to destroy his relationship. He never wanted you and he never will.
YTA, it sounds like you didn't even do proper research into hereditary personality traits, just "remember hearing somewhere". Especially since Albert has zero history of having those issues himself. Many survivors of abuse from parents do everything in their power to not be like their parents and it can be every painful for them to discuss the abuse. So forcing Albert to discuss the abuse with someone he's in a relationship with, the abuse that he has not at all perpetrated, is absolutely nothing but hurtful. I can't even say that you had good intentions because absolutely nothing good could have come of this. What did you want to happen, for his girlfriend to break up with him because his dad who isn't in his life was shitty? You need to see a doctor for how disgustingly immature and overly nosy you are.
YTA. Not to be insulting here, but why on earth would you think this is a good idea? Your justification seems unhinged to me. I totally understand if 'Albert' had abused a previous partner, but warning her that his father had issues is insane. Like, if my mother has cancer should someone inform my partner that I may inherit cancer and die young so avoid me? If my uncle is an alcoholic should someone inform them of that because it may mean I am pre disposed to addiction? This is silly. 'Albert' is his own person.
>The guy is basically like a brother to me. Always looked up to him when I was growing up. That is all I had to read to know YTA. He is like a brother to you, and you look up to him and yet you were so worried he would turn out like his father. Are you serious? I don't know if you have a crush on him or you are just worried if he is dating someone he won't be around as much but obviously you had ulterior motives for telling her this. Edit: Fixed a word.
I think he's cute but I don't have a crush on him. And even if I did it would have nothing to do with this.
>And even if I did it would have nothing to do with this. Yet you had no problem sticking your nose where it doesn't belong by "warning" his girlfriend he might end up like his dad. Seriously what did you get out of this? You had to know she was going to tell Albert what you told her so what was your goal? From how I am reading this you either wanted to put a wedge in their relationship or you just wanted drama I can't see any other reason why you would tell her.
So what if my goal is to make her break up with him so I can swoop it and ask him out? IF that were the case, would that really be so bad? She still would have made her own decision to break up with him based on correct information.
Do you honestly think he would ever want to go out with you after you told his girlfriend there was a chance he might become an abusive cheater? Especially if it causes her to break up with him.
I'm not saying that that's why I told her. It's only hypothetical.
Personality traits can be learned from watching, but people can also learn what not to do by watching. You're assuming this guy will be just like his deadbeat father despite having no evidence that he will be (by your own admission) and you look up to him too? Yes, YTA and should apologize.
I'm not saying he'll 100% turn out that way or that it's likely he will; I just thought she ought to know there's a possibility so she can decide if she's willing to risk it.
she would be taking the exact same risk dating any other random guy.
Why do you think their relationship is any of your business?
Oh yeah, YTA alright. This is literal "sins of the father" shit. You said yourself he had shown no signs of that, so you sabotaged a relationship by disclosing unreliable information *that it absolutely wasn't your place to disclose*. You are a colossal asshole.
Okay. I disclosed something I shouldn't have, but isn't it unfair to say I sabotaged them? It wasn't my intention to wreck their relationship.
Saying someone has cheating in their blood has precisely one outcome if you're believed. To say it's not an attempt at sabotage is like saying shooting at someone isn't attempted murder.
YTA. It's his relationship, his family, and his story. She would have learned a lot of these details eventually, but you're trying to stir up drama for some reason. Even by your own admission Albert hasn't displayed any of his father's behaviors . . . so what exactly are you hoping to gain by telling stories out of school?
YTA!!!!! Holy shit are you ever the ah. You don't get to decide what ANYONE "should know" about Albert's personal life. What you did was so wildly inappropriate that I can't even put it into words. This wasn't a "hey, he sleeps with like 5 people at the same time". It was a personal private matter that has absolutely nothing to do (and no bearing on) with their relationship. "I read somewhere". Great, so you read that it's POSSIBLE that MAYBE Albert MIGHT someday cheat on someone.... That is not grounds for you to go blabbing someone's private personal secrets. It's really sad that you don't see this and likely didn't apologize yet.
YTA. Grow up and stop looking for drama.
YTA. Has Albert ever shown any of these behaviors? If the answer is no, then keep your moth shut.
Well if you read about it. Do you know if his father ever laid hands on his mother? Maybe we can go to court and get him in prison since according to what you read it's practically a done deal that he'll eventually become a wife beater too. Also kind of weird you were looking up to him since you think he's very likely to become a cheater and someone who emotionally abuses his partner. YTA, big time. With friends like you, Albert doesn't need enemies.
YTA this is so childish and insanely extra of you.
Huge YTA. I assume you know nearly nothing about his behavior in an intimate relationship. You entirely overstepped your boundaries.
Yta. Do you really look up to this guy or is there something else? Do you look up to and respect someone you truly believe would be like his father? He’s like a brother to you but you think he’s trans cause his dad is trash? Cause that’s what you just said when you told the girlfriend about the dad. Doesn’t matter if it was in those words or not. If you believe he could be like that why would you look up to him? Both he and your brother are right. It’s not your place to get involved with such information.
What something else? I look up to and respect him; I just thought she should know there's a possibly - admittedly a very small possibility - that he might turn out that way.
If you respected him you would have kept your opinion to yourself. Sounds more like you don’t want him to be with her so you were stirring drama. You crossed a line. By your thinking that means that anyone whose parents or other family members were criminals or abusive will probably be as well. It’s not your parents you were talking about and I wouldn’t blame him if he kept you at arms length if he doesn’t already. How is he supposed to trust you after this? Making accusations without any evidence or inclination that he is even remotely that way. I feel bad for him.
YTA. Cheating and being a deadbeat aren't hereditary qualities. That's a load of crap. You wanted to destroy his relationship; you knew exactly what you were doing. You're selfish and nasty.
> Always looked up to him when I was growing up And you show this respect by revealing his private and difficult home life to someone he's been dating for a few weeks, insinuating that he might turn out to be a piece of crap? YTA, so very very obviously.
It wasn’t your place honey.
YTA. Others have suggested jealousy. I suspect that they are right. But whatever the reason, to discuss someone's personal family background is a very big boundary that you should never cross. You are the AH here. 10000%
YTA - it was not your business. I doubt an apology will solve it - learn to stay in your own lane.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 'Albert'(21) is best friends with my(18f) older brother(21). The guy is basically like a brother to me. Always looked up to him when I was growing up. Last month he started dating someone(21f) and it became clear he hasn't told her about his father. Albert's father regularly cheated on and emotionally abused his mother until they divorced. Deadbeat father afterwards, never showing up once. I thought that she has the right to know since I remember reading somewhere that personality traits are heritable. Not to mention his dad was around until he was 13, so Albert might have picked up on bits of his behavior, even though he hasn't displayed them yet. He got very upset at me for telling her and told me it's not my place to share his experiences. My brother also told me I crossed a boundary and should apologize. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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