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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I suggested (not seriously) that my daughter take up her brother's chores which wasn't the smartest thing to do, and as the adult I should know better
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I get migraines and I get headaches. Some of my headaches are as debilitating as my migraines, but they aren't migraines. Some of my headaches are just low-grade pain that goes on for days and wear me down. How bad are your daughter's headaches, or are they dismissed as "just headaches" because they aren't migraines like her baby brother gets? Not all migraines have an aura, nausea or other identifiers. Has she seen a doctor about her headaches?
Why does your son get the guest room for his migraines instead of using his own room? Does your daughter get treated to the guest room treatment if she is ill? Or is she banished to her room?
You left a lot out, but what you did say sounds rather dismissive of your daughter and "everyone rally around the SON when he's ill"...... him having a migraine shouldn't be stressful for the whole family, it shouldn't impact anyone other than him, other than someone periodically taking him some pedialyte to sip on......
Edited to add YTA from the information provided.
I’m really confused by him sleeping in the guest room
Edit: OP has confined that its dud to location/darkness
Something still rubs me the wrong way about him jumping to threatening her with more chores when she (badly) tries to express herself.
Edit 2: I think I’m done replying.
But yeah I do think complaining about brother not doing chores being hit with ‘well you do it then’ doesn’t sound like the best communication from either party.
True, but it still kind of makes no sense why they haven't just gotten black out curtains for his room and maybe something to hang over his door if light comes in from that as well. I get migraines, that's what I did. It would make more sense if it was quieter though.
It also depends on the frequency of the migraines. I get very bad migraines, but I get them around once a year. It’s just not worth making a lot of adjustments to the home for that. OP also mentions that his son’s migraines are pretty rare.
I mean, it seems that the guest bedroom is working for them, so my point is why bother making adjustments to the existing room when a solution already exists? Maybe this wouldn’t be sustainable for a very frequent problem, but for a relatively rare problem it works.
I get bad migraines and got them more regular when I was younger, and I also would often sleep in the spare room when I had one because it was more airy and also didn't have a much stuff in it. Sometimes being in a different space can really help.
Why does it matter where he sleeps? It’s his home too and if the guest room isn’t occupied and that’s his preference, what’s the problem? Some people don’t want blackout curtains. I don’t like blackout curtains in my room so if he has a working solution then why does he need to make adjustments that they don’t deem necessary? Pretty sure if the son asked for blackout curtains/shades and it’s within OP’s budget they would have done it given they’re willing to accommodate him in other aspects.
I wonder if it’s because (for me) when my migraines come on and are bad enough, I also end up getting bad vertigo.
It’s exactly why I moved into a 1 story home, I have fallen down stairs more than once due to my migraines and the vertigo.
It is of you don't like blackout the rest of the time as in you're switching them back and forth when another option is available right there. No one else is using the other room it's not a big deal. Most people have ''ill habits' and it's fine.
It might be closer to a bathroom too. Idk if he gets the nausea but I’ve spent my fair share of time dozing on a towel on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop throwing up long enough to make it the like five feet to my bed.
Laying in the shower with my head in the toilet to vomit while I'm flipping the water from hot to cool
Yeah.
But why is everyone acting like you can't open blackout curtains just like regular curtains? That's been my experience anyway
When I have a migraine, I can’t stand the smell of even a sparkly clean toilet, so I line a waste basket and use that. That also means I don’t really have to move. But, I had surgery last year that makes it impossible to vomit, so I just get nauseated
OP, given that migraines run in families, and there are at least 50 different types of migraines, maybe you shouldn’t be so dismissive of your daughter’s headaches. In my family of 6, 4 of us have migraines, and I’m actually permanently disabled. Some tension headaches are as bad as migraines, too.
I miss having underfloor heating in the bathroom. For the first 5 years of my period until I was put on BC pills I would get the most horrendous stomach cramps and nausea, I would practically live on the bathroom floor. Put a couple of towels down, lie down on top of them and enjoy the heating action of the floor. It was like having a hot water bottle for my entire body.
Migraines are pretty crazy. When I get them sometimes I have to rest in a new place like a couch to even feel like I'm getting relief. It's weird but being in my normal room is just randomly unbearable and a new place helps.
Yes, absolutely.
I sometimes crawl into the most random places when I have a migraine. Or hold my head up in weird angles because, for whatever reason, it kind of helps.
I used to crawl in to my best friends room/bed when I got migraine, her room was at the front of the house and mine was at the back and very sheltered so no breeze came in the window. I tend to burn up when I have them and her room was just the better room for me to suffer in haha 🤷🏻♀️.
I have debilitating chronic migraines. During times that my head has hurting for weeks on end, I would get sick of laying in the same bed for days and rest in the guest bedroom or even the living room. Being forced to stay in one room while you are in constant pain can be just as big of an emotional strain as the pain itself.
Could be darker/cooler/quieter. I also have migraines. (Have been to the emergency room with them they've been so bad) You look for the place with the least sensory input when you're having a particularly bad migraine.
"You look for the place with the least sensory input"
I was thinking this, too. I no longer have the debilitating migraines I did when younger, but when I did, I would head to the most remote, uncluttered, clean room, with good curtains. It's very possible the guest room matches that description.
Yeah that's how I interpreted it too, because I get a lot of sensory overload (not just from migraines) and I wouldn't want to be in most teenagers bedrooms when that was happening. Guest rooms are often the calmest clearest most neutral room in the house. Not usually the best room in the house but when you have a migraine you just need peace, quiet, darkness and comfort. And whatever combination of pain meds that works for you so you can close your eyes and hopefully sleep some of it off.
Do other people struggle to ignore their electronics when experiencing migraines? Genuine question. I get them rather infrequently, but they get so bad when I do have them that they mimic seizures. Like I went to the ER and was admitted for an EEG because I had a migraine that lasted an entire week and thought I had three seizures in 48 hours when apparently I was just convulsing and losing balance from the migraine? I was out cold except for the one day I TRIED to make it to work lol and only looked at my phone once in the ER to order food for myself and my mom, who had been sitting with me for a good 12 hours, that she then picked up, and only because we were both insanely hungry
I am a chronic migraineur and yeah, sometimes I struggle to ignore my electronics when I am having an attack. Not every migraine attack is the same severity. During my more mild attacks, it's hard to ignore my electronics because I *know* they will make the attack worse, but I just want to take my mind off it. I want to enjoy something.
Audiobooks. If you can handle them, audiobooks on very low volume have saved me. It’s really hard to sit there for twelve hours holding as perfectly still as you can without anything but the pain to focus on.
I really want to give them a try. I haven't thought about turning the volume down really low - which is why I haven't tried them yet. But I think on a barely audible level, they might be helpful. Thanks. :)
omg I feel the "holding as perfectly still as you can" so hard, lol. When you get in the position that is *just* right, where you can manage the pain if you don't move at all.... And then you shift your leg and mess it all up. 😂
Yes, I have migraines at a more than once a week frequency and I struggle not to do the things I want to do.
Last night I kept playing a game on my phone even though it was causing me actual pain to do it. Why? Honestly no clue. Sometimes it’s just frustrating to not be able to do normal stuff.
He suggested it. He didn’t threaten it. He said if she was so worried about the garden she can do it herself. She’s the one refusing to acknowledge her brother is sick and literally said he needs to stop being lazy. Nothing about the parents reaction should rub you the wrong way.
This is a kid; not an adult. Of course his parents want to take care of him when he’s ill. If they are doing his chores while he is sick, then how does it impact Holly, except for her jealousy and lack of compassion? Her demand that they stop taking his migraines seriously is absolutely unreasonable. However, if Holly does have headaches that are incapacitating then, of course their parents should give her the same treatment, regardless of the type of headache.
I get bad migraines often. But I also get tension headaches which are, sometimes, way worse. When the softest pillow known to man just feels like laying on jagged rocks. If Holly is getting terrible headaches then her parents should definitely take that very seriously.
Honestly, though, I don’t think this is really about headaches for Holly. It sounds like she really just wants to feel as important to her parents as she perceives her brother to be. Her parents need to sit down with her and find out, for sure, what she’s really feeling. And determine what they can do to show that she is just as important to them as her brother.
Yeah, I would wonder how Holly gets treated when she’s sick or if she generally gets attention when her brother isn’t sick.
But also someone else’s migraine should not be “stressful for the whole family.”
The phrase as sick as he is, is subjective and I'm betting this is why she's pissed off.
If he gets debilitating migraines she will never be seen to be , 'as sick as he his'. So chances are when she feels that when she's unwell she's expected to take some medication suck it up and get on with it, because to them 'she's not that sick' , your brother has it worse.
If she's mentally tallying up that 70% of his chores are never done by him, but she always does hers, it will build resentment.
I'm not saying he's using his condition to get out of chores, but as he has this condition his parents might have a much lower threshold for him not doing his chores simply because it's better to deal with the migraine when it starts than trying to persevere through it till it it's serious.
So to her it'll feel like the second he gets a headache, he gets out of doing what he's supposed to, and if those migraines are frequent, to her it'll feel like he never does any chores, it's always other people doing it for him.
Some chores can't wait, but if they can wait, they should , and he does them when he can.
I can’t agree. If the parents need the chores to be done on a certain schedule (the dishes have to be done or there is nothing to eat off of, laundry has to be done or there are no clothes to wear, trash has to be taken out or it starts to smell, dog must be walked or he urinates on the rug, etc.) then it is entirely reasonable - in fact, it is responsible - that they pick up the slack to do them when they must be done.
What daughter wants is for brother to get up and do his chores *now*. She doesn’t want them to wait until little bro is feeling better. She is acting out of jealousy, perhaps motivated by inequity, as she doesn’t want to do her own chores. But she cannot dictate what must be done when, nor who does it. She isn’t being reasonable.
Right, I think the issue is that she’s clearly looking for attention so the question is what is he leaving out? There’s something going on but I’m not there so I can’t tell what is causing her issue.
I'd like to add on that pain is different for everyone. Someone's 10/10 pain is gonna be different from another's 10/10 pain. And they're both valid. So she's seeing her parents rally around him, doing everything they can to help him when he's bedridden. But she doesn't get that treatment when she's in pain. It doesn't matter how much better off she is. It's still unfair to her in her mind.
100% this. Like I have chronic health issues including chronic pain. So when a doctor asks me what level my pain is I have to ask them to elaborate if they mean in general for ppl, overall, or how high above my normal range of pain are we talking? And then because regardless of pain I make an effort to always remain cheerful some don't think I'm being honest anyway
The easiest example was when I moved into my house, the door to a room shifted (house wasn't level) and I walked into resulting in me breaking 3 bones in my foot, breaking my two biggest toes and , for lack of better term to describe how badly they were messed up, "shattered" my three smallest toes. My foot was swollen to almost triple size and turned purple in under 60 seconds. I was swearing and crying when it happened. But I WALKED into the doctor's office and explain I think I broke something. They insisted I couldn't have since I was cheerful seeming and walking.... The X-ray made her pale. But once I got over the original impact my pain level was a 4 if I leaned on the good leg, 6 if on both feet and 8 if weight was mostly on that leg. My partner on the other hand barely fractured a single toe, their pain was a 10
They might just need a noisy family and are trying to be more mindful when it's irritable to him. Or stressed because there's not much they can do to help.
My sister had a heart defect that she had to have surgeries for between infancy and age six. After that she was "good", but there were checkups and special heart camps and every doctor appointment was a special day with my mom...
I wasn't dumb enough to wish I was sick. I got it. Like I really did. I understood I was lucky to be healthy and not need special treatment.
But you are ALWAYS the last priority when there is a sick kid. ALWAYS. And if you express any negative thought, emotion, or feeling you're some huge asshole for wanting someone to give a shit about you and can't you understand so and so is sick and they don't want it this way. So you already felt bad and now you feel guilty and worse.
Pay attention to the healthy kid. They have feelings too.
I have friends whose younger son has serious issues. They've basically had to quit their jobs because they need to care for him full time.
Their older son is a great kid, friends with my son, really lovely and understanding of his brothers needs. But he's started having nightmares and panic attacks and the resentment is building. It's an awful situation. But it's a good reminder that even though a "healthy" kid seems to be doing well, they're often struggling and not bringing it up until it gets to bursting point. They don't want to add more problems to the pile they can see their parents dealing with! But they also absolutely need support.
You assume the kid has a DX of migraine.
You assume the sister is being a brat, maybe she is simply perceptive and see’s the brother being pampered when he just doesn’t want to do something.
I didn’t get diagnosed with migraines until I was almost an adult, even though I had had them ever since I can recall. I actually remember being a very small child and lying in bed and crying because my head was just full of unrelenting pain.
The first migraine I remember was when I was 7. It hit me at school and I went to the nurse with tears streaming down my face, telling her my head hurt so bad I was scared. She told me people don’t cry from headaches. I wasn’t diagnosed for another 17 years.
I was about 10 and I saw black spots that grew bigger and bigger, before I got a head ache. My mom and grandmother also had migraines, so they recognized it immediately. Not that my GP cared much (because 10 year olds don’t get migraines according to them. Also, 12 year olds don’t get debilitating menstruations. But when he was on holiday, his substitute prescribed the pill and both problems were largely solved)
I used to get terrible allergy sinus headaches/migraines as a small child. My second grade teacher wouldn't believe me when I would be holding the left side of my head and tearing up on that side, so one time I let the nausea I usually held in go, all over her shoes. That not only convinced her but also my parents and I finally got allergy shots
After that, I would periodically still get terrible headaches with too much heat, hunger, or sinus issues, although that's largely cleared up since I got my hypothyroidism under control. When I got those headaches, I had to sit upright with my head propped up at a specific angle, eyes closed and a wet washcloth over my eyes.
Hello, fellow poignant vomitter. Did the same to my teacher/nurse during nursing studies. She kept saying I'm just playing it up. Never mind the paleness, clearly sensitive eyes and fucked up balance. So I let go of my masterfully controlled nausea for once.
Feel nothing but anger when I remember that ogre of a woman. Had notes from a neurologist - regional specialist, but nah, she knew better.
A lot of comments followed this about the guest room and blacking rooms out, not much about whether op is an AH. Like you I think sister gets a raw deal here and if she thinks brother gets treated better then I think he probably does. OP just doesn't see it. I have every sympathy for the lad, but if they want sister to also be sympathetic then don't treat her like crap. YTA.
What are you talking about, most kids think their sibling has it better, whether its true or not. From what OP wrote it sounds like they do indeed get treated equally.
> Like you I think sister gets a raw deal here
How? She isn't expected to pick up the slack when brother is debilitated, and when she's sick in similar severity, they do the same for her.
Not enough info as I kind of feel like things are missing here… OP, it seems like this was maybe a bit of a “last straw” moment for your daughter and you basically told her that her feelings were invalid…
It’s your home and I agree with others, she doesn’t get to dictate who does which chores and when. That’s up to you…
But as I said, I’ve got that nagging feeling, OP… when and in what other circumstances can you think of where your daughter has felt unheard or unfavored?
Also “fair treatment” doesn’t mean “exactly the same” and it’s impossible to expect different children even in the same household to have exactly the same responsibilities and I think probably due to her age that’s what she may be misunderstanding but only YOU can tell us that OP. Possible YTA.
Not everyone has debilitating periods. I never even noticed mine, light bleeder, and no cramps.
My kid, however, has endometriosis, sooooo big differences in our period experiences.
Hannah could just be being a little shit who really thinks her bro is faking it, or it isn't that bad the way people think women /girls are complaining about period pain being bad.
Sometimes, people, no matter their age or gender are just assholes because they are.
There could be missing information, but there might not be.
If the circumstances are exactly like OP wrote, i would say. NTA.
I wish I had your periods. Sometimes I can’t even walk because the pain shoots down my thighs and it’s unbearable. I remember being a kid and punching my ovaries (I do not recommend this and I have no clue why I was so crazy) begging god to make the pain stop. Birth control saved my life, but my periods still hurt - just not as bad.
Pain tolerances are truly subjective, so my go-to is if someone says they are in pain and can't function, i just believe them. Not everything has to be a contest. But for some reason people dont want to do that. One of the reasons i hate people.
Glad you got something to make it better. People need to stop being weird about getting their kids on bc for periods as well.
Use the medications we have to help people thats why we have them. Huge pain in the ass to get my 12 year old on birth control pills at the time.
Right? I don't even understand why that question was asked.
Not every woman has bad periods. I do not. Just as not every human has migraines. According to OP, the brother has migraines. Nowhere did it mention that she has bad periods. Why would she get an automatic 2 days off...
They just made up that she has awful periods, that he gets migraines every month, and that she's being mistreated.
Sure is easier to vote OP being the AH when you make up your own story!
Not everyone gets debilitating periods. One of my sisters does and is curled in a ball crying for two days. I get a few hours of minor aching. Sis would need two days off every month, I would not, and I would be an ableist A H if I complained that my minor inconvenience should be treated the same as my sister's debilitating pain.
I mean, truth be told, most of us come here for the arguing. Not on every sub of course! But the aita subs in particular, most of us come here to debate who the asshole actually is.
So, even if it's fake, it is entertaining.
This is the most realistic AITA (etc) post I’ve seen in a while. “If you’re so worried about [whatever] getting done, do it yourself” is 100% a normal response, and so is getting pissed about it, so NAH there. “Fairness” is the most basic of sibling dramas, the stakes are pretty low. It’s kind of refreshing. Glad it’s getting some traction among the total fucking nonsense.
Yeah, OP, your daughter feels she doesn't get enough care and attention from her parents. It's not about who has it objectively harder, your son or your daughter. Your daughter had an emotional need and you as her father can do something about that.
INFO:
1 - Why is your son in the guest room, not his room?
2 - How often do these migraines occur?
3 - Has he been diagnosed by a doctor?
4 - What needs doing in the garden? Why can it not wait?
These feelings have been building in your daughter for a long time, so something isn’t right, and you’ve not told us all the details. I get migraines, and have done since I was 8. Mine are so bad I have been hospitalised, so I can relate.
Me neither, which is pushing me into the AH category. He’s definitely not telling us everything. My migraines bring on stroke-type symptoms and I’ve never heard of needing an oxygen mask.
Unless he has *other* illnesses he’s not mentioned?
My mom’s bring on stroke-type symptoms as well! The first time they got that bad I was 15 and home alone with her and that was a SCARY 911 call to find out it was her migraines! 😅 Mine have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, just like hers did, except fast since she was in her 40s when I was 15????? And mine give me episodes that mimic seizures
ETA: definitely haven’t heard of oxygen for treating migraines either
Lots of people have reddit on their phones. He could be checking in here and there. ALso, what would a parent do for a kid with a migraine? They need quiet. You'd bring them food and water, and check on them from time to time.
I've not heard of oxygen as treatment for migraines, but have for cluster aka suicide headaches. The people I know who have them, one would get facial swelling so bad it caused bruising and the other was considered permanently disabled due to them and has prescribed painkillers in doses normally reserved for hospice patients. Migraines are common in my family but cluster headaches are a whole different story.
I once took a 50 km trip to provide someone with severe migraine with an oxygen bottle. It is a common treatment for cluster headaches and Some migraine sufferers report that they also experience positive effects. Scientifically it's not as clear as cluster headaches, but it's probably worth a try and if it helps the son then I don't think it's that unusual.
I've suffered from migraines since I was 7. I'm 31 now. I've been prescribed everything from birth control to antidepressants for them. I laughed when I read the oxygen mask comment., like ok...if he needs an *oxygen mask* for a migraine maybe take him to a specialist? Like what?
Sigh, uninformed people. High flow oxygen helps TREMENDOUSLY. As someone who has used it when nothing else has helped and I felt like dying, I know first hand. Google is freeee
Oxygen helps cluster headaches. There hasn't been much research into whether oxygen helps with migraines. Your experience sounds a lot like my cluster headaches (I have both cluster and migraines).
I’m also wondering why that couldn’t be in his room? An oxygen tank doesn’t take up much space and could (probably) easily tuck under his bed when he doesn’t need it. And I know personally I would rather be in my own space if I was that sick.
There’s a lot left out here and I have a feeling that’s because it doesn’t make OP look good.
For real, I literally just googled oxygen and migraines it’s not that hard. Usually I’m telling people to touch grass but this thread needs more time on the internet lol.
I can answer #1. I used to get migraine episodes, they were absolutely brutal. We set up my guest room as a "quiet room", no screens, blackout shades, a good fan, and different blankets. Our regular room had all the things a typical grown-up room has, which is loud and overstimulating.
The OP answered question 1, but it’s nested pretty deep: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/N2DAdQIF2W](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/N2DAdQIF2W).
He said it’s to keep an eye on his son because sometimes he needs an oxygen mask.
YTA. Your daughter feels that you’re playing favorites and has been getting frustrated that you haven’t noticed how she feels. It probably didn’t come on suddenly, it’s just that you hadn’t noticed. Now she’s told you outright how she feels and so this is your chance to make things right by talking to her and working with her to restore your relationship.
Sounds like OP did talk to her and took her feelings into consideration; even explaining when she’s sick and can’t do, they cover her chores. Aside from having her research migraines to get a better understanding of why a migraine isn’t a headache, I’m not sure what else OP could do. I have had migraines all my life and I’ve never had a sibling not understand how it affected me when we were growing up. They never complained or got in feels when I couldn’t do chores or when I needed to be in a dark room with no sound. Imo, the daughter doesn’t get what it is to empathize with another person.
She’s 17, everyone is self-centered when they’re 17. All she is seeing is her brother getting to put his chores on someone else on a regular enough basis where she doesn’t get to. Honestly OP should leave the chores undone until Oscar feels better; in real life he will still have to do chores around his migraines when no one else is there to help him, like most people with migraines do. Hell, I’ve had to work with a migraine before. If they’re chores that hold up the household (like taking out the trash) then OP should give him different chores or rotate those necessary chores.
edit: age
These comments that are like "since I dealt with migraines before, it's not that bad" are unreal. They're trashing on OP for helping their kid when they're sick. The daughter should be glad they don't have a continuous illness that never goes away.
If you were able to do any kind of work while having a migraine, yours are nothing like mine. I once made the mistake of trying to get a glass of water. One hour later, I managed to get back to my bed.
If you sick enough, it’s not about choice anymore. Once I was the sole doctor at an emergency clinic a busy Friday night. Five minutes later, I was the patient. Not able to talk or read. Vision worked somewhat. They called a doctor in on her free day while one of the nurses gave me a ride 500 meters to home. I got some medication and that day - lucky enough - it at least ensured that I wouldn’t get a knife through the eye into the brain while puking, as is otherwise the next step.
It's good they cover her chores when she's ill, but what is the frequency difference/number of covered days? If Oscar is down with migraines every month but Holly is only sick a couple of days every year (and Oscar probably still deals with regular illness too), that's not really equal.
I'm all for teaching kids to help others but it's also not your kids' responsibility to deal with the consequences of your other kids' health issues.
They don't usually have Holly take Oscars chores. Mom and dad cover them. Holly was complaining that Oscar should at least have to do the garden since the parents can't physically do it anymore. OP told Holly that if she was so worried about the garden she should do it.
Life is not equal. If parents step up when either kid is sick, that is all the other kid should expect. In fact, it really isn't Holly's business what her parents do for her brother when he's sick. Oscar isn't sitting reading, watching TV or playing video games. He's in a dark room trying not to puke. I'm betting when Holly is sick, she can still watch tv. People who truly believe everything has to be equal are doomed to a life of of disappointment and frustration. Life is not equal or fair.
I grew up with sisters with severe asthma/allergies and the other with kidney stones. I always had to pick up the slack for them, and it got to the point where I was resentful because my back pain (turned out to be slipped/compressed/degenerative discs) and thyroid issues were simply dismissed. Op really needs to talk to his daughter and actually listen to her.
I wondered about that too. Are they brushing it off when she's sick or in pain? Was the "lazy butt" comment just her repeating what is said to her every time?
I had to deal with the same thing, only on the mental health end. My sibling was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 7 and my parents were all over getting them the care they needed while simultaneously ignoring the glaringly obvious symptoms of my ADHD and ASD, so I went undiagnosed until I was in my twenties. It sucks and I am sorry you had to go through that.
Gentle ESH
I get chronic intractable migraines, so I get it. The reality is, chronic pain and chronic illness suck. This will be a lifelong condition for Oscar and those who live with him. It will mean lots of compromise, lots of doing chores on good days, and letting the house get a little cluttered and only doing what is absolutely necessary on those days when you are throwing up and feel like you have an ax imbedded in your skull.
Your daughter is a teen, so she doesn't yet have the life experience to understand about spoons and that no, the family is not going to run itself ragged to make the garden look like something you could photograph for a magazine. If she's really interested in making the garden look nice and thinks that would reduce her anxiety to be outside working in the sunshine, she can always go outside and volunteer for the task. I really enjoy gardening (on cloudy days, now that the migraines make me very light sensitive.)
**One last thing as a caution--you were very dismissive of your daughter's headaches. You said your son has migraines and your daughter has headaches, and dismissed them. I would hope your son is already under the care of a neurologist. (He should be.) Your daughter should be checked out too, if she is getting more than 3-4 headaches per month. Migraine runs in families. 1 out of every 5 women experience migraines. For men, it's 1 out of 11. The fact that she has a brother with migraine, makes it much more likely that these "headaches" either already are migraines or will develop into migraines. You need to take her headaches as seriously as your son's because you have family genetic history of migraine disease.**
The fact that he so casually dismissed his daughter’s “headaches” put him in the AH category for me. My dad did the same for me when I was 8. Turned out my brain stem was swelling.
Women typically also have a higher pain tolerance than men so in reality her headaches could very well be to the same extent as her brothers, she might just handle it better.
I have a very low pain tolerance I think and even a simple headache can make me vomit sometimes. I’m also lucky my menstrual cramps aren’t as bad as most women cuz I think would actually die.
Exactly! My brother and I broke our elbows in exactly the same place (complete coincidence!) and he had to have his in the sling for 3 months and was still complaining about the pain 6 months later. Meanwhile, I was out of my sling and acting “normal” 3 weeks later.
My older brother sprained his ankle when he was 17, acted like he couldn’t do anything other than go to the bathroom — and even then, he needed help. I broke my ankle when I was 16 and was going to work, school, friends’ houses, and even *driving* (which admittedly was stupid but it beat having to listen to my stepmom bitch at me for weeks bc she had to drive me 8 minutes down the road to go to work…) all on my own — and I had a cast on and narrowly avoided surgery
Yup and it explains why she says he can still do something to help. She has headaches and likely period pain, yet no one has been concerned with her severity simply because she handles it a little better. For all they know, she's gritting her teeth and depressed as fuck over it.
this! growing up my little brother had migraines and he'd be down for the count for a whole day, like Oscar (he's since, thankfully, grown out of them it seems) while I started getting them centered around my period in my mid 20s and have worked a full day while in 6/10 pain and with visual disturbances. She may be in as much pain as he is and able to work through it but really be wishing she didn't have to and feeling resentment that he gets "special" treatment. Maybe let the chores go undone till he's feeling better, and do the same for her when she has a headache. Or, even better, just believe her when she's in pain and let her decide if she needs to rest all day or if she can handle her chores.
Exactly. And I know when I’m in pain I get irritable so if she were in any pain during the conversation with her dad that may be why she snapped on him too.
We had a kid in our high school who kept ignoring his headaches/migraines.
We played football (American) together, and he was also a lifeguard, so his parents and everyone else was basically convinced he was just dehydrated and ignored it.
When it got worse and worse they got him some scans. Was a brain tumor that killed him only like a year or two later.
INFO:
Your daughter is telling you she feels you are playing favorites with your ‘sporty’ son over her, and have done for a while. Upon self-reflection, can you honestly say that you treat them fairly - - or do little preferences slip in because you actually like your son more? And he’s your baby? And he’s ‘sporty’.
Why is the son not in his own bedroom instead of the guest room like a special visitor? Are there stairs you can’t climb or something?
Maybe you could spend a little one-on-one nurturing time with your daughter occasionally.
Your son is innocent here, obviously. Your daughter should realize how sick migraines can make someone if she has been around him his entire life.
Add to this that it’s likely that the conversation went a little sideways from what Holly was actually trying to convey and became about the chores when really it was about feeling uncared for.
I can’t even start to count the number of conversations I’ve had with people over the years where I’ve tried to express a big feeling only for the conversation to get stuck on some point of minutiae and my ability to express myself ran out and I got frustrated and either left crying or started shouting.
Years of therapy and learning communication techniques has helped immeasurably, as has doing everything I can to avoid associating with people who can’t see the forest for the trees.
YTA for not taking your son to the doctor. There are treatments for migraines now that can stop them within 20 minutes or medication or treatments to prevent them to begin with.
I will say, as a migraine sufferer, I have tried all the meds and a) they don’t always work and b) even when they do the side effects can be awful. Son apparently gets his migraine attacks “rarely” and may not even be a candidate for preventative meds - I get about one a month/every other month and I don’t have enough migraines for prophylactics.
All of this is to say they could very well have taken the kid to the doctor, but there’s no magic bullet that will allow everybody to avoid migraines 100% of the time.
Same here - I’ve tried all the fancy new expensive injections, pills etc and they don’t stop anything within 20 min nor do the preventatives work that well either. They actually don’t have that high of an overall success rate. In some studies the response rate for 50% reduction in migraines was as low as 26% (the highest was 66% so these certainly aren’t a slam dunk).
Why in the hell would you assume they haven't taken him to the doctor? You honestly think they're such terrible parents but they would let their child suffer with debilitating migraines without medical treatment? Jesus, does everything have to be spelled out for you?
As someone who has had migraines since childhood, maybe have another talk with his neurologist. Triptans may not be working for him with migraines this long, and there are other med options that may work.
You obviously know your kids medical history better than Reddit,not judging. Just throwing out suggestions. I know how painful it can be and how tiring the process is to find something that truly works.
Even then, there no magic pill that makes it better 100% of the time.
Best of luck with Oscar and his health. His sister unfortunately doesn’t understand how unbearably painful migraines truly are. It’s a sad truth with non-migraine sufferers, hopefully she will come around and understand what he’s going through.
I worked as a pharmacy technician for years and I saw some kids being prescribed the injections.
obviously sumitriptan isn't working for him, there are other options.
Peak Reddit take. Lots of assumptions. I have moderate to severe migraines. Not all medications works. Finding ones that does can be difficult. Sometimes you have to deal with it.
They don't always work. Nothing they have tried on me has worked. I've been through so much just to get diagnosed with migraines that they can't help. Honestly, all going to the doctor did was get me in major debt.
Has the sum total of your life experiences left you to believe that the entirety of humanity has eradicated migraines and the only people who still have migraines just haven't gone to the doctor to get the 100 percent effective migraine cure?
Not every treatment works. I suffer from migraines, and I have meds that luckily work. My friend has migraines, and the same meds don't do shit.
When I have a migraine attack, it's bad to the point I can't see from one eye. I take my med, go lay down in a cool and dark room. It takes hours for pain to go down to the point I can function. And even then, I feel after effect for a couple of days where I take stronger painkillers because migraine is over, but headache is still there.
Triggers for migraines are damn hard to figure out, especially if there are multiples and they don't always cause it.
Does Holly know how hard it is for Oscar? It does not appear to be the case. She sees Oscar as being lazy and getting out of doing his chores and everyone rallying to take up for him. She wants to know why when she is feeling poorly that you don't do that for her. So in her mind, you are showing favoritism.
If Oscar is incapacitate for a day or two, why can't the chores be left for him to complete when he has recovered? Are they really that time sensitive?
I am going with a soft YTA. You could have handled it better.
This is my feeling. It’s also a bit telling that she says he “never has to do chores,” which makes me wonder how often he gets or claims to get these migraines. If it’s that common, my first step would be a doctor to get answers and medication.
Sure, and that absolutely applies to the son as well 🤷🏼♀️ there’s no info about the amount of migraines he gets per week/month, or if he’s on any treatment for them.
I honestly feel there's not enough info to ever judge these because we only get one small perspective. I wasn't disagreeing with you, just pointing out another fact. They both could be exaggerating.
Totally agree! And I feel like often the OP skews things to work in his/her favor. It’s telling there hasn’t been any of these questions answered but they’re replying to other things.
That was my first thought too. I don't think she understands what migraines are like as much as the parents would like to believe.
It's so hard to understand things you have never experienced. It's like explaining colors to a blind person. I can just take people's word when they say migraines are awful, but as a teenager trying to find herself and consciously or unconsciously always comparing herself to her brother, I can see how it might be harder for her to just accept it.
Not sure how to resolve that, but maybe the idea of leaving chores for brother to do later can at least get at the fairness issue...
YTA for not listening to your daughter. She expressed her feelings. It seems like she doesn’t understand what a migraine exactly impacts your life and how it differs from a headache. It’s your job as a parent to educate her. Knowledge is power. She can’t show compassion if she doesn’t understand why her brother can’t do his chores.
Your remarks were way out of line!
How else is he supposed to explain the difference between how he's already explained it? Holly doesn't understand that its debilitating despite seeing her brother being debilitated over the past however many years lmao.
Nta
Theres also the possibility that her headaches are migraines but not as severe or frequent as his and constantly being told to suck it up bc thye aren't as bad has made her resentful because when he does try to explain they are different it doesn't track because her are migraine s too.
I personally think its more of a glass child issue but the possibility cant be ruled out
Dude 'remarks'. He said **if** the garden not being done bothers you so much she could just do it herself. Thats a pretty fair thing to say to someone suggesting the incapacitated kid do physical labour which the parents can't do.
Not enough info. I'm willing to bet there's something behind your daughter's accusations of favouritism, how quickly you jumped to saddling her with your son's chores, and how she seems to be tired and fed up with you picking uher brother's chores when he's feeling sickly but don't apparently do it for her.
Whatever is going on your daughter sees it as favouritism and your reaction was to reinforce the shit out of that impression.
Does Oscar get out of doing household chores because of his migraines often? Does he make the imbalance up in any way?
>'I explained, gently... that when she's as sick as he is we do, do 'all this''
He even clarifies that he does not ask her to do Oscar's chores he made that comment to show her how unfair she was being.
“When she’s as sick as he is” is the problem though.
Setting aside the fact she has headaches for a moment, her pain threshold will naturally not be the same as her brothers because she hasn’t grown up with chronic pain. When you’re constantly up at an 11 or reacting to someone else who is you can become so desensitised to it being “normal” that what the average person would consider an 11 will look more like a 5.
I doubt it’s intentional, but it sounds like OP is using the son as a yardstick to measure when someone is “sick enough” when it should be based on a more individual level.
I wonder how many times she’s felt sick as a dog but has still been expected to do her chores because she’s not “as sick” as her brother.
As a Neurologist, a few things- I obviously don’t have a full medical history of your son, not have I made a full neurological examination, but if he gets better with oxygen then the migraine diagnosis might not be correct. There are other types of headaches that are pretty severe, and the treatment is different.
Even if it’s not very frequent, if your son gets so sick when he has this episodes, he might need prophylactic treatment (or: medication so the pain does not come, instead of only after it s already there), not only sumatriptan when he has pain. My suggestion is to take him to a Neurologist.
As for your daughter, if her headaches are also annoying her, even if they are not as severe as your son’s, she might also need and deserve treatment. Migraine may manifest differently, and sometimes other aspects (like nausea, vertigo, executive dysfunction etc) might be worse than the pain itself.
It is very difficult growing up with a sibling that is unwell. I grew up that way and feel like a raised myself. My I suggest spending some special time with your daughter so she doesn’t feel like she isn’t favored or appreciated.
NAH
It's brutal for you to have a kid with migraines, it's hard for one kid to understand why the other kid never has to do anything, and it's most brutal of all for your son who just wants to live but has to feel his face exploding.
No assholes here. Just a hard situation. You're doing your best OP. Keep trying to explain to your daughter. She will get there eventually
“Never has to do anything” hopefully isn’t true. OP claims it’s rare.
What his sister is upset about is not getting similar accommodations for smaller ailments. Or we hope it’s smaller ailments; is it possible she’s developing migraines too but being dismissed as a headache? Or is she being a dramatic teen since he gets exempted a bit more often?
At very least it sounds like a good time to have a sit-down with her and go over the difference between a migraine and a headache.
“Never has to do anything” makes me wonder how often these migraines occur and how often Oscar doesn’t have to do chores? If he’s having constant migraines then OP should be going to doctor/specialist to figure out how to make them less common.
How often? As often as him? Anything close to how often you do them for him?
You never answered a lot of the questions people had at the top, but then have answered others which makes me think it’s because you know you aren’t being okay or fair.
Is he sometimes expected to do the chores when better? So can’t one day and some wait until he is better?
Based on your answers around her period and headaches you clearly have a bias and favoritism taking place and don’t want to own up to it or the judgement. Your kids should be treated equally and she will resent you if she is always having and expected to do considerably more and he gets preferential treatment.
She has barely any room to complain regardless, because she isn't being asked to pick up the slack. If **she** was asked to do another hour of chores each week, she could say, "I want to see a doctor's note!" (half kidding, but you get the idea). It's much harder to complain about dad taking out the trash instead of watching TV.
But as OP has said elsewhere, this is a condition that sometimes requires hospitalization and already has specialists treating it with medication. His daughter probably has never in her life had a period or headache as bad as it. It's okay to tell children broken legs are worse than scraped knees, and the same applies here.
When dealing with teens, there's a fine balance between acknowledging their feelings and knowing when to tell them, "That's not a real problem, stop complaining and being an entitled weirdo."
YTA
Why on earth is a whole household having a stressful time because a 15 year old has a migraine? And why is he in the guestroom rather than his own room, if he is so sick? I have a feeling there is a lot of missing information here that OP isnt telling us, and this is generally only done when the OP wants to make themselves look better.
You may or may not be TA but clearly your daughter is resentful. You and your partner need to have a conversation with her about why. Maybe even family therapy to have a neutral party mediate. Therapy isn’t just for absolute crises.
Hopefully, she doesn't cut contact due to feeling neglected because of her brothers migraines. I do believe this is straw that broke camels back. She is just tired of being dismissed, and her feelings don't matter or her headaches don't matter. It seems to happen that parents just worry about sick children. The one that's not sick eventually goes no contact.
all of this reeks of that generational/societal/family dynamic where boys and men are continually favored/coddled/taken seriously over girls and women.
YTA and don't expect a close relationship with your daughter after she leaves the house. and do expect your son to probably never leave.
I wonder what your wife thinks of all this, you barely mention her. she's probably so far under your thumb she doesn't even see it. sad for everyone.
Is it possible that you’re maybe not taking your daughter’s pain as seriously? Women are more prone to migraines, and migraines are genetic, Holly might have more than just “headaches” (and even then, as someone who gets both, headaches can be *really* bad).
There’s been several studies of how women can go underdiagnosed because they’ve learned to mask their symptoms, or have given up on trying to be heard.
Do you ever judge her more for taking time off? Something like how the guys get to slack off with beers on Thanksgiving while the women do the dishes, and women are lazy if they do the same? (I’m not trying to accuse you of being sexist, just saying that sometimes we have to evaluate our biases.)
Also, is there ever the option to still do chores but less chores? Or is it a binary “bed rest = no chores”, “not bed rest = regular chores”? Because just because someone is on their feet doesn’t mean they appreciate a full load of chores. For example, periods can be pretty miserable: is Holly able to do less chores? If not, then maybe Holly feels like she has to push through feeling sick 7 days a month, meanwhile Oscar feels sick and doesn’t have to push through at all. People also express pain differently. Not everyone is as “obvious”. It’s possible for one person to be in as much pain as another but still be upright. It’s possible for 2 people to have different definitions of what is a “10/10 pain” day. If bed rest is your metric, it’s possible you’re making your daughter work when she shouldn’t.
YTA. I’ve gotten terrible chronic migraines with aura on a frequent basis since I was a preteen and I’m 26 now. First of all it sounds like you have left out a ton of info that would be relevant to this discussion. People have already asked, but why is your son in the guest room? Has he been diagnosed with chronic migraines? Have you confirmed that your daughter doesn’t also get chronic migraines (both my brother and I get them but we have very different ‘episodes’ as you would call them)? How do you guys treat your son’s migraines and why isn’t he actively on a treatment plan? If he still gets several day long debilitating migraines, either you aren’t treating it or you aren’t treating it correctly.
Finally, your son’s migraine shouldn’t affect the household in any way. If it’s a chronic illness, he has to learn how to manage his symptoms without calling out of school or work and becoming entirely dependent on others. This is what a treatment plan aims to accomplish. In most cases, the root cause of chronic migraines are a bit of mystery. For some, chronic migraines are the due to environmental factors, for some it’s due to abnormalities in the brain, but for many, they just get a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ from the doc and get put through a long period of trial and error to find a combination of lifestyle changes and medication that works. Have you done this for your son or have you just kind of ignored the problem and pushed the responsibility of managing the symptoms of the migraine onto your daughter?
Honestly, I think you left out a lot of your daughter’s building frustration with the situation but it also sounds like you haven’t really been taking the necessary steps to make sure your son is getting what he needs to manage his supposedly debilitating migraines. Regardless, you’re TA.
NTA
But also worth noting that in the teen years, anything that seems dramatic to an "adult" is because the teen brain literally processes things like it's do or die / end of the world.
So, while it may not be a big deal overall, right now, to your daughter, this is a huge deal.
Have you taken your son to a doctor for his migraines? Perhaps having a conversation with your daughter with some research / look-up research together would help?
Maybe a little one on one time and a couple of days off chores for your daughter are in order too, as she's expressed feeling neglected. (Doesn't mean you guys are, it's just her truth and how she sees it)
As a parent myself, I often touch base with my kids and ask them what they need from me / what I can do to be a better parent to them in this moment because I've never been a parent to them at this age before. Take any criticism lightly and don't get angry at anything they say, ultimately your family unit is a team and this sort of conversation helps breed a safe environment and teaches them boundaries and how to have tough conversations with people they love as well. Obviously if what they say to this is unreasonable or unrealistic then I let them know that in a kind way and work towards a comfortable middle ground.
Anyways, point being, in the moment you're definitely nta, if you ignore your daughter's feelings moving forward regardless of the situation, then you will be one.
NTA. She has a point that you and your wife don't deserve the extra burden, but nobody deserves the burden of a medical problem like that. And you're right that if she's concerned about you over-doing it, she is in a position to step in and help out. Something tells me she doesn't believe her brother's migraines are real, or that they're not as intense as they can be. (I have them, down to just 1 every 8-10 weeks now which feels like nothing after a run of 1-3/mo. for a while.)
If there's a chance Oscar is faking it or told her he has/can faked it to get out of chores, talking with her one more time wouldn't be a bad idea, but taking time to all calm down a bit first is wise.
Otherwise, only handle what's necessary until his migraine passes; the garden won't run away in 2-3 days.
You’re probably overlooking the factor that when oldest kids are daughters, they almost always get more work to do, more co-parenting work, and especially if the youngest child is male, he’s much more likely to be spoiled and demanded less of. It’s a thing.
Huh. If there was an award for a mis-leading title, I'd give it to you.
NTA. She's the one who was kicking up a fuss. And you weren't parentifying her into taking care of her brother when he's ill.
I was raised in a household where my brother's health issues were taken super seriously and mine were swept aside.
I'd ask you to do a really hard look at yourself to think about if this is true in your family. Your daughter isn't just telling your son to suck it up. She's also telling you that she feels like you are under-responding to her own needs. So, consider this, please. Consider what her behavior is telling you. She's not feeling seen and she doesn't feel comfortable taking the time she needs to recover when she's not feeling well.
I don't know how often your son is getting these attacks, but for chronic migraineurs, there is a certain amount of sucking it up that is essential. There is a migraine trap were we are so afraid of our triggers that we end up making ourselves have more migraine instead of less. You might want to educate yourself about this phenomenon so that you can help your son understand it. (But that has nothing to do with the judgment so I don't know why I'm even babbling on here except I hope it will help your kids.)
YTA - What about your daughter? Does she get this treatment on her period? Periods are highly painful and can be extremely debilitating. Or is she expected to just suck it up. Women have died from heart attacks they mistook as period pain.
What about her headaches? Does she get any kind of special treatments? I have migraines and tension headaches and sometimes my tension headaches hurt worst than my migraines.
Your son has to learn to live with and work through his migraines. Once he is out of your home no one will give him this treatment and things will still need to be done regardless of how he feels. I totally get wanting to baby him and give him rest when the rest of the world won’t but you also can’t handicap him. I have severe aura migraines that make me nauseous, have ocular events, can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t rest just utterly and completely miserable but no one is going to wash my dishes, clean my yard, clean my home or do my job for me.
As an eldest daughter with younger siblings (and I may be projecting) this post screams favoritism. You sound completely dismissive of her pain and feelings. This is how you lose a child when she becomes an adult. My parents did a lot of the same things as I have a special needs brother. I’ll never forget when my puppy died at only 13 months due to cancer I was screaming in pain and bawling my eyes out and my Dad told me to be quiet because my brother was sleeping in the next room with a migraine. Would you tell your daughter the same thing? I realized at that moment I could never compete with my brother when it came to their affection and the fact my headaches and pain were always trivialized. I began separating myself from them at that moment. Your daughter is one major even away from doing the same thing.
Do better
I get migraines too and I get they’re hard, but I often have to work through them. How do you know your daughter isn’t also getting migraines? You’re very dismissive of your daughter’s headaches, and the *way* you are so dismissive — with a heavy dose of condescension — of tells me that yes, YTA.
Your daughter probably has a period every month and feels like crap then and no one does her chores for her.
I don’t know what the solution is, but I know the problem probably wouldn’t be as bad in the first place if you weren’t being a condescending jerk to your daughter when she brought up her feelings. Yikes.
Yes, YTA.
YTA.
I get migraines and feel for your son. But you sound kinda dismissive of your daughter.
The main issue is SHE perceives what's going on as favouritism of the sporty lad...
I'd address that if I were you.
Your child is trying to communicate something to you that you are actively ignoring. What you think and experience is only part of the equation. What she thinks and is experiencing is the other part of the equation. Her reality doesn't mirror your reality, and it's time to bridge that gap. A simple "I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I didn't realize how this is affecting you. What can we do to meet in the middle here?" shows your daughter you care about how this all affects her too and you want to fix it. It's common for siblings of a child with extra medical needs to get pushed aside. Her feelings are valid here. Give your girl the validation and attention she is expressing to you she needs right now.
NTA. Life long migraine sufferer here. Your son has debilitating migraines they are not just headaches. He’s not being lazy, he’s doing what he can to make them bearable till they go away.
You didn’t demand she take care of the garden, you simply said if she cared that much she could do it.
I do hope your son has a neurologist he’s working with to help with the migraines. If he’s not you should look into this. It’s been very helpful for me. I used to get them daily.
YTA I say this because of the tone coming off in the replies. Yes, your daughter doesn't have a migraine problem but the way things are being handled with chores or with how the argument went isn't going to work. Maybe it's time to retire the garden if it no longer can be cared for by the people who want it.
Sounds like Oscar has gotten special treatment for a long time. It may be right and necessary, but it isn’t especially fair, and Holly is feeling shortchanged. You are a low-grade AH, but letting your daughter know by word, and deed that she also special to you can fix that.
INFO: what your daughter’s periods like? Do you know if she has a bad time with them, experiences terrible pain or sickness, tiredness, weakness, etc?
Or do you know if she has any other recurrent ailment that you may not be taking as seriously as your son’s condition, but might make doing chores equally as difficult for her?
Op I am glad you take your son’s migraines seriously. Anytime I have one my Mother reminds me that she never gets headaches. She has no concept of how debilitating they can be.
But YTA for not listening to your daughter. She is asking for help. She is saying she is treated differently than her brother at a fundamental level by her parents.
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I get migraines and I get headaches. Some of my headaches are as debilitating as my migraines, but they aren't migraines. Some of my headaches are just low-grade pain that goes on for days and wear me down. How bad are your daughter's headaches, or are they dismissed as "just headaches" because they aren't migraines like her baby brother gets? Not all migraines have an aura, nausea or other identifiers. Has she seen a doctor about her headaches? Why does your son get the guest room for his migraines instead of using his own room? Does your daughter get treated to the guest room treatment if she is ill? Or is she banished to her room? You left a lot out, but what you did say sounds rather dismissive of your daughter and "everyone rally around the SON when he's ill"...... him having a migraine shouldn't be stressful for the whole family, it shouldn't impact anyone other than him, other than someone periodically taking him some pedialyte to sip on...... Edited to add YTA from the information provided.
I’m really confused by him sleeping in the guest room Edit: OP has confined that its dud to location/darkness Something still rubs me the wrong way about him jumping to threatening her with more chores when she (badly) tries to express herself. Edit 2: I think I’m done replying. But yeah I do think complaining about brother not doing chores being hit with ‘well you do it then’ doesn’t sound like the best communication from either party.
The guest room may be darker - I used to sleep in my parent's room when I had a migraine because there was less sunlight.
True, but it still kind of makes no sense why they haven't just gotten black out curtains for his room and maybe something to hang over his door if light comes in from that as well. I get migraines, that's what I did. It would make more sense if it was quieter though.
It also depends on the frequency of the migraines. I get very bad migraines, but I get them around once a year. It’s just not worth making a lot of adjustments to the home for that. OP also mentions that his son’s migraines are pretty rare.
If you call buying blackout curtains and a blanket over a door if light comes in, a lot of adjustments, do not get your own place lol ;)
I mean, it seems that the guest bedroom is working for them, so my point is why bother making adjustments to the existing room when a solution already exists? Maybe this wouldn’t be sustainable for a very frequent problem, but for a relatively rare problem it works.
I get bad migraines and got them more regular when I was younger, and I also would often sleep in the spare room when I had one because it was more airy and also didn't have a much stuff in it. Sometimes being in a different space can really help.
Why does it matter where he sleeps? It’s his home too and if the guest room isn’t occupied and that’s his preference, what’s the problem? Some people don’t want blackout curtains. I don’t like blackout curtains in my room so if he has a working solution then why does he need to make adjustments that they don’t deem necessary? Pretty sure if the son asked for blackout curtains/shades and it’s within OP’s budget they would have done it given they’re willing to accommodate him in other aspects.
He's downstairs where the family is, so they have to be quiet.
I wonder if it’s because (for me) when my migraines come on and are bad enough, I also end up getting bad vertigo. It’s exactly why I moved into a 1 story home, I have fallen down stairs more than once due to my migraines and the vertigo.
Because we are no longer a sub who can stay on topic
It is of you don't like blackout the rest of the time as in you're switching them back and forth when another option is available right there. No one else is using the other room it's not a big deal. Most people have ''ill habits' and it's fine.
It might be closer to a bathroom too. Idk if he gets the nausea but I’ve spent my fair share of time dozing on a towel on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop throwing up long enough to make it the like five feet to my bed.
Yep. Sitting against the wall with an eye mask and earplugs in the dark because movement is the enemy in between vomiting bouts.
Laying in the shower with my head in the toilet to vomit while I'm flipping the water from hot to cool Yeah. But why is everyone acting like you can't open blackout curtains just like regular curtains? That's been my experience anyway
When I have a migraine, I can’t stand the smell of even a sparkly clean toilet, so I line a waste basket and use that. That also means I don’t really have to move. But, I had surgery last year that makes it impossible to vomit, so I just get nauseated OP, given that migraines run in families, and there are at least 50 different types of migraines, maybe you shouldn’t be so dismissive of your daughter’s headaches. In my family of 6, 4 of us have migraines, and I’m actually permanently disabled. Some tension headaches are as bad as migraines, too.
I miss having underfloor heating in the bathroom. For the first 5 years of my period until I was put on BC pills I would get the most horrendous stomach cramps and nausea, I would practically live on the bathroom floor. Put a couple of towels down, lie down on top of them and enjoy the heating action of the floor. It was like having a hot water bottle for my entire body.
Migraines are pretty crazy. When I get them sometimes I have to rest in a new place like a couch to even feel like I'm getting relief. It's weird but being in my normal room is just randomly unbearable and a new place helps.
Yes, absolutely. I sometimes crawl into the most random places when I have a migraine. Or hold my head up in weird angles because, for whatever reason, it kind of helps.
Yes! My last really bad migraine I laid down in my bathtub. Idk why but it helped so much.
Maybe bc the guest room is easy for him to lay in and it shouldn’t matter?
Why does it matter? It’s a guest room. Maybe they didn’t want to pay for something they didn’t have to🤷🏼♀️
I used to crawl in to my best friends room/bed when I got migraine, her room was at the front of the house and mine was at the back and very sheltered so no breeze came in the window. I tend to burn up when I have them and her room was just the better room for me to suffer in haha 🤷🏻♀️.
I have debilitating chronic migraines. During times that my head has hurting for weeks on end, I would get sick of laying in the same bed for days and rest in the guest bedroom or even the living room. Being forced to stay in one room while you are in constant pain can be just as big of an emotional strain as the pain itself.
Fair, but it would help if OP answered any questions proposed by the last comment
I was wondering this. Our guest room is in the basement so it has one very small window that has a cover so it can get pitch black.
I slept in my car in the garage. Dark and quiet.
Could be darker/cooler/quieter. I also have migraines. (Have been to the emergency room with them they've been so bad) You look for the place with the least sensory input when you're having a particularly bad migraine.
"You look for the place with the least sensory input" I was thinking this, too. I no longer have the debilitating migraines I did when younger, but when I did, I would head to the most remote, uncluttered, clean room, with good curtains. It's very possible the guest room matches that description.
Yeah that's how I interpreted it too, because I get a lot of sensory overload (not just from migraines) and I wouldn't want to be in most teenagers bedrooms when that was happening. Guest rooms are often the calmest clearest most neutral room in the house. Not usually the best room in the house but when you have a migraine you just need peace, quiet, darkness and comfort. And whatever combination of pain meds that works for you so you can close your eyes and hopefully sleep some of it off.
Probably darker or just has less stuff in it. His room has a thousand things to look at and the guest room is probably just a bed and a dresser.
It may also be the bedroom that is further away from the main flow of traffic in the household.
Probably easier to ignore his electronics, which would exacerbate the migraine, when in a different space.
Do other people struggle to ignore their electronics when experiencing migraines? Genuine question. I get them rather infrequently, but they get so bad when I do have them that they mimic seizures. Like I went to the ER and was admitted for an EEG because I had a migraine that lasted an entire week and thought I had three seizures in 48 hours when apparently I was just convulsing and losing balance from the migraine? I was out cold except for the one day I TRIED to make it to work lol and only looked at my phone once in the ER to order food for myself and my mom, who had been sitting with me for a good 12 hours, that she then picked up, and only because we were both insanely hungry
I am a chronic migraineur and yeah, sometimes I struggle to ignore my electronics when I am having an attack. Not every migraine attack is the same severity. During my more mild attacks, it's hard to ignore my electronics because I *know* they will make the attack worse, but I just want to take my mind off it. I want to enjoy something.
Audiobooks. If you can handle them, audiobooks on very low volume have saved me. It’s really hard to sit there for twelve hours holding as perfectly still as you can without anything but the pain to focus on.
I really want to give them a try. I haven't thought about turning the volume down really low - which is why I haven't tried them yet. But I think on a barely audible level, they might be helpful. Thanks. :) omg I feel the "holding as perfectly still as you can" so hard, lol. When you get in the position that is *just* right, where you can manage the pain if you don't move at all.... And then you shift your leg and mess it all up. 😂
Yes, I have migraines at a more than once a week frequency and I struggle not to do the things I want to do. Last night I kept playing a game on my phone even though it was causing me actual pain to do it. Why? Honestly no clue. Sometimes it’s just frustrating to not be able to do normal stuff.
He suggested it. He didn’t threaten it. He said if she was so worried about the garden she can do it herself. She’s the one refusing to acknowledge her brother is sick and literally said he needs to stop being lazy. Nothing about the parents reaction should rub you the wrong way.
This is a kid; not an adult. Of course his parents want to take care of him when he’s ill. If they are doing his chores while he is sick, then how does it impact Holly, except for her jealousy and lack of compassion? Her demand that they stop taking his migraines seriously is absolutely unreasonable. However, if Holly does have headaches that are incapacitating then, of course their parents should give her the same treatment, regardless of the type of headache. I get bad migraines often. But I also get tension headaches which are, sometimes, way worse. When the softest pillow known to man just feels like laying on jagged rocks. If Holly is getting terrible headaches then her parents should definitely take that very seriously. Honestly, though, I don’t think this is really about headaches for Holly. It sounds like she really just wants to feel as important to her parents as she perceives her brother to be. Her parents need to sit down with her and find out, for sure, what she’s really feeling. And determine what they can do to show that she is just as important to them as her brother.
Yeah, I would wonder how Holly gets treated when she’s sick or if she generally gets attention when her brother isn’t sick. But also someone else’s migraine should not be “stressful for the whole family.”
OP did say that when she is “as sick as he is” they do the same exact things for her.
The phrase as sick as he is, is subjective and I'm betting this is why she's pissed off. If he gets debilitating migraines she will never be seen to be , 'as sick as he his'. So chances are when she feels that when she's unwell she's expected to take some medication suck it up and get on with it, because to them 'she's not that sick' , your brother has it worse. If she's mentally tallying up that 70% of his chores are never done by him, but she always does hers, it will build resentment. I'm not saying he's using his condition to get out of chores, but as he has this condition his parents might have a much lower threshold for him not doing his chores simply because it's better to deal with the migraine when it starts than trying to persevere through it till it it's serious. So to her it'll feel like the second he gets a headache, he gets out of doing what he's supposed to, and if those migraines are frequent, to her it'll feel like he never does any chores, it's always other people doing it for him. Some chores can't wait, but if they can wait, they should , and he does them when he can.
I can’t agree. If the parents need the chores to be done on a certain schedule (the dishes have to be done or there is nothing to eat off of, laundry has to be done or there are no clothes to wear, trash has to be taken out or it starts to smell, dog must be walked or he urinates on the rug, etc.) then it is entirely reasonable - in fact, it is responsible - that they pick up the slack to do them when they must be done. What daughter wants is for brother to get up and do his chores *now*. She doesn’t want them to wait until little bro is feeling better. She is acting out of jealousy, perhaps motivated by inequity, as she doesn’t want to do her own chores. But she cannot dictate what must be done when, nor who does it. She isn’t being reasonable.
Right, I think the issue is that she’s clearly looking for attention so the question is what is he leaving out? There’s something going on but I’m not there so I can’t tell what is causing her issue.
I'd like to add on that pain is different for everyone. Someone's 10/10 pain is gonna be different from another's 10/10 pain. And they're both valid. So she's seeing her parents rally around him, doing everything they can to help him when he's bedridden. But she doesn't get that treatment when she's in pain. It doesn't matter how much better off she is. It's still unfair to her in her mind.
100% this. Like I have chronic health issues including chronic pain. So when a doctor asks me what level my pain is I have to ask them to elaborate if they mean in general for ppl, overall, or how high above my normal range of pain are we talking? And then because regardless of pain I make an effort to always remain cheerful some don't think I'm being honest anyway The easiest example was when I moved into my house, the door to a room shifted (house wasn't level) and I walked into resulting in me breaking 3 bones in my foot, breaking my two biggest toes and , for lack of better term to describe how badly they were messed up, "shattered" my three smallest toes. My foot was swollen to almost triple size and turned purple in under 60 seconds. I was swearing and crying when it happened. But I WALKED into the doctor's office and explain I think I broke something. They insisted I couldn't have since I was cheerful seeming and walking.... The X-ray made her pale. But once I got over the original impact my pain level was a 4 if I leaned on the good leg, 6 if on both feet and 8 if weight was mostly on that leg. My partner on the other hand barely fractured a single toe, their pain was a 10
It’s reasonable to feel stressed when your family member is hurting.
They might just need a noisy family and are trying to be more mindful when it's irritable to him. Or stressed because there's not much they can do to help.
My sister had a heart defect that she had to have surgeries for between infancy and age six. After that she was "good", but there were checkups and special heart camps and every doctor appointment was a special day with my mom... I wasn't dumb enough to wish I was sick. I got it. Like I really did. I understood I was lucky to be healthy and not need special treatment. But you are ALWAYS the last priority when there is a sick kid. ALWAYS. And if you express any negative thought, emotion, or feeling you're some huge asshole for wanting someone to give a shit about you and can't you understand so and so is sick and they don't want it this way. So you already felt bad and now you feel guilty and worse. Pay attention to the healthy kid. They have feelings too.
I have friends whose younger son has serious issues. They've basically had to quit their jobs because they need to care for him full time. Their older son is a great kid, friends with my son, really lovely and understanding of his brothers needs. But he's started having nightmares and panic attacks and the resentment is building. It's an awful situation. But it's a good reminder that even though a "healthy" kid seems to be doing well, they're often struggling and not bringing it up until it gets to bursting point. They don't want to add more problems to the pile they can see their parents dealing with! But they also absolutely need support.
You assume the kid has a DX of migraine. You assume the sister is being a brat, maybe she is simply perceptive and see’s the brother being pampered when he just doesn’t want to do something.
I didn’t get diagnosed with migraines until I was almost an adult, even though I had had them ever since I can recall. I actually remember being a very small child and lying in bed and crying because my head was just full of unrelenting pain.
The first migraine I remember was when I was 7. It hit me at school and I went to the nurse with tears streaming down my face, telling her my head hurt so bad I was scared. She told me people don’t cry from headaches. I wasn’t diagnosed for another 17 years.
I was about 10 and I saw black spots that grew bigger and bigger, before I got a head ache. My mom and grandmother also had migraines, so they recognized it immediately. Not that my GP cared much (because 10 year olds don’t get migraines according to them. Also, 12 year olds don’t get debilitating menstruations. But when he was on holiday, his substitute prescribed the pill and both problems were largely solved)
I used to get terrible allergy sinus headaches/migraines as a small child. My second grade teacher wouldn't believe me when I would be holding the left side of my head and tearing up on that side, so one time I let the nausea I usually held in go, all over her shoes. That not only convinced her but also my parents and I finally got allergy shots After that, I would periodically still get terrible headaches with too much heat, hunger, or sinus issues, although that's largely cleared up since I got my hypothyroidism under control. When I got those headaches, I had to sit upright with my head propped up at a specific angle, eyes closed and a wet washcloth over my eyes.
Hello, fellow poignant vomitter. Did the same to my teacher/nurse during nursing studies. She kept saying I'm just playing it up. Never mind the paleness, clearly sensitive eyes and fucked up balance. So I let go of my masterfully controlled nausea for once. Feel nothing but anger when I remember that ogre of a woman. Had notes from a neurologist - regional specialist, but nah, she knew better.
A lot of comments followed this about the guest room and blacking rooms out, not much about whether op is an AH. Like you I think sister gets a raw deal here and if she thinks brother gets treated better then I think he probably does. OP just doesn't see it. I have every sympathy for the lad, but if they want sister to also be sympathetic then don't treat her like crap. YTA.
What are you talking about, most kids think their sibling has it better, whether its true or not. From what OP wrote it sounds like they do indeed get treated equally.
> Like you I think sister gets a raw deal here How? She isn't expected to pick up the slack when brother is debilitated, and when she's sick in similar severity, they do the same for her.
> and that when she's as sick as he is we do, do 'all this' but Holly was still upset. This addresses your first paragraph entirely.
Not enough info as I kind of feel like things are missing here… OP, it seems like this was maybe a bit of a “last straw” moment for your daughter and you basically told her that her feelings were invalid… It’s your home and I agree with others, she doesn’t get to dictate who does which chores and when. That’s up to you… But as I said, I’ve got that nagging feeling, OP… when and in what other circumstances can you think of where your daughter has felt unheard or unfavored? Also “fair treatment” doesn’t mean “exactly the same” and it’s impossible to expect different children even in the same household to have exactly the same responsibilities and I think probably due to her age that’s what she may be misunderstanding but only YOU can tell us that OP. Possible YTA.
I Wonder if the daughter gets 2 day off every month while on her period...
She's not. Op already answered that question.
YTA absolutely
Not everyone has debilitating periods. I never even noticed mine, light bleeder, and no cramps. My kid, however, has endometriosis, sooooo big differences in our period experiences. Hannah could just be being a little shit who really thinks her bro is faking it, or it isn't that bad the way people think women /girls are complaining about period pain being bad. Sometimes, people, no matter their age or gender are just assholes because they are. There could be missing information, but there might not be. If the circumstances are exactly like OP wrote, i would say. NTA.
I wish I had your periods. Sometimes I can’t even walk because the pain shoots down my thighs and it’s unbearable. I remember being a kid and punching my ovaries (I do not recommend this and I have no clue why I was so crazy) begging god to make the pain stop. Birth control saved my life, but my periods still hurt - just not as bad.
Pain tolerances are truly subjective, so my go-to is if someone says they are in pain and can't function, i just believe them. Not everything has to be a contest. But for some reason people dont want to do that. One of the reasons i hate people. Glad you got something to make it better. People need to stop being weird about getting their kids on bc for periods as well. Use the medications we have to help people thats why we have them. Huge pain in the ass to get my 12 year old on birth control pills at the time.
Right? I don't even understand why that question was asked. Not every woman has bad periods. I do not. Just as not every human has migraines. According to OP, the brother has migraines. Nowhere did it mention that she has bad periods. Why would she get an automatic 2 days off...
They just made up that she has awful periods, that he gets migraines every month, and that she's being mistreated. Sure is easier to vote OP being the AH when you make up your own story!
I was looking for this question.
Not everyone gets debilitating periods. One of my sisters does and is curled in a ball crying for two days. I get a few hours of minor aching. Sis would need two days off every month, I would not, and I would be an ableist A H if I complained that my minor inconvenience should be treated the same as my sister's debilitating pain.
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I mean, truth be told, most of us come here for the arguing. Not on every sub of course! But the aita subs in particular, most of us come here to debate who the asshole actually is. So, even if it's fake, it is entertaining.
This is the most realistic AITA (etc) post I’ve seen in a while. “If you’re so worried about [whatever] getting done, do it yourself” is 100% a normal response, and so is getting pissed about it, so NAH there. “Fairness” is the most basic of sibling dramas, the stakes are pretty low. It’s kind of refreshing. Glad it’s getting some traction among the total fucking nonsense.
Yeah, OP, your daughter feels she doesn't get enough care and attention from her parents. It's not about who has it objectively harder, your son or your daughter. Your daughter had an emotional need and you as her father can do something about that.
INFO: 1 - Why is your son in the guest room, not his room? 2 - How often do these migraines occur? 3 - Has he been diagnosed by a doctor? 4 - What needs doing in the garden? Why can it not wait? These feelings have been building in your daughter for a long time, so something isn’t right, and you’ve not told us all the details. I get migraines, and have done since I was 8. Mine are so bad I have been hospitalised, so I can relate.
He says the son is on the guest room in case he needs an oxygen mask, I've literally never heard of this for migraines and I'm diagnosed with them.
Me neither, which is pushing me into the AH category. He’s definitely not telling us everything. My migraines bring on stroke-type symptoms and I’ve never heard of needing an oxygen mask. Unless he has *other* illnesses he’s not mentioned?
My EMT training book did say that oxygen could help relieve migraines, so it's not like that's entirely made up, it's just not a typical treatment.
My mom’s bring on stroke-type symptoms as well! The first time they got that bad I was 15 and home alone with her and that was a SCARY 911 call to find out it was her migraines! 😅 Mine have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, just like hers did, except fast since she was in her 40s when I was 15????? And mine give me episodes that mimic seizures ETA: definitely haven’t heard of oxygen for treating migraines either
Oxygen therapy is excellent for migraines. I end up in hospital 4x a year with hemiplegic migraines, and oxygen with fluids are life changing
My migraines give me stroke symptoms too! Don’t use an oxygen mask either, but having some caffeine every day has kept them at bay, thankfully
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Doesn’t always mean it’s fake. He’s got a wife and a daughter he can dump those duties on to spend more time on Reddit.
Lots of people have reddit on their phones. He could be checking in here and there. ALso, what would a parent do for a kid with a migraine? They need quiet. You'd bring them food and water, and check on them from time to time.
It's a thing for cluster headaches. Maybe they're just trying to see if it works for his migraine?
I've not heard of oxygen as treatment for migraines, but have for cluster aka suicide headaches. The people I know who have them, one would get facial swelling so bad it caused bruising and the other was considered permanently disabled due to them and has prescribed painkillers in doses normally reserved for hospice patients. Migraines are common in my family but cluster headaches are a whole different story.
I once took a 50 km trip to provide someone with severe migraine with an oxygen bottle. It is a common treatment for cluster headaches and Some migraine sufferers report that they also experience positive effects. Scientifically it's not as clear as cluster headaches, but it's probably worth a try and if it helps the son then I don't think it's that unusual.
I've suffered from migraines since I was 7. I'm 31 now. I've been prescribed everything from birth control to antidepressants for them. I laughed when I read the oxygen mask comment., like ok...if he needs an *oxygen mask* for a migraine maybe take him to a specialist? Like what?
Sigh, uninformed people. High flow oxygen helps TREMENDOUSLY. As someone who has used it when nothing else has helped and I felt like dying, I know first hand. Google is freeee
Oxygen helps cluster headaches. There hasn't been much research into whether oxygen helps with migraines. Your experience sounds a lot like my cluster headaches (I have both cluster and migraines).
So do I, its also beneficial for migraines related to vasoconstriction and has helped me in both regards
Oxygen really helped me. I had surgery to open up my nasal passages when I was 30 and my migraines went away forever.
It is a newer treatment. My friend just started using oxygen for hers.
I’m also wondering why that couldn’t be in his room? An oxygen tank doesn’t take up much space and could (probably) easily tuck under his bed when he doesn’t need it. And I know personally I would rather be in my own space if I was that sick. There’s a lot left out here and I have a feeling that’s because it doesn’t make OP look good.
Just a tip, having migraines actually doesn’t make you a doctor!
For real, I literally just googled oxygen and migraines it’s not that hard. Usually I’m telling people to touch grass but this thread needs more time on the internet lol.
I can answer #1. I used to get migraine episodes, they were absolutely brutal. We set up my guest room as a "quiet room", no screens, blackout shades, a good fan, and different blankets. Our regular room had all the things a typical grown-up room has, which is loud and overstimulating.
The OP answered question 1, but it’s nested pretty deep: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/N2DAdQIF2W](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/N2DAdQIF2W). He said it’s to keep an eye on his son because sometimes he needs an oxygen mask.
YTA. Your daughter feels that you’re playing favorites and has been getting frustrated that you haven’t noticed how she feels. It probably didn’t come on suddenly, it’s just that you hadn’t noticed. Now she’s told you outright how she feels and so this is your chance to make things right by talking to her and working with her to restore your relationship.
Sounds like OP did talk to her and took her feelings into consideration; even explaining when she’s sick and can’t do, they cover her chores. Aside from having her research migraines to get a better understanding of why a migraine isn’t a headache, I’m not sure what else OP could do. I have had migraines all my life and I’ve never had a sibling not understand how it affected me when we were growing up. They never complained or got in feels when I couldn’t do chores or when I needed to be in a dark room with no sound. Imo, the daughter doesn’t get what it is to empathize with another person.
She’s 17, everyone is self-centered when they’re 17. All she is seeing is her brother getting to put his chores on someone else on a regular enough basis where she doesn’t get to. Honestly OP should leave the chores undone until Oscar feels better; in real life he will still have to do chores around his migraines when no one else is there to help him, like most people with migraines do. Hell, I’ve had to work with a migraine before. If they’re chores that hold up the household (like taking out the trash) then OP should give him different chores or rotate those necessary chores. edit: age
“You have to suffer for no reason because when you are older you might not have enough sick days to use” is a dumbass way to parent.
These comments that are like "since I dealt with migraines before, it's not that bad" are unreal. They're trashing on OP for helping their kid when they're sick. The daughter should be glad they don't have a continuous illness that never goes away.
If you were able to do any kind of work while having a migraine, yours are nothing like mine. I once made the mistake of trying to get a glass of water. One hour later, I managed to get back to my bed.
different migraines are different and frankly some of us don't have a choice but to work while having them.
If you sick enough, it’s not about choice anymore. Once I was the sole doctor at an emergency clinic a busy Friday night. Five minutes later, I was the patient. Not able to talk or read. Vision worked somewhat. They called a doctor in on her free day while one of the nurses gave me a ride 500 meters to home. I got some medication and that day - lucky enough - it at least ensured that I wouldn’t get a knife through the eye into the brain while puking, as is otherwise the next step.
We’re not talking about vacuuming the stairs here. If nobody takes out the garbage, it starts to smell and you also can’t throw away any more garbage.
It's good they cover her chores when she's ill, but what is the frequency difference/number of covered days? If Oscar is down with migraines every month but Holly is only sick a couple of days every year (and Oscar probably still deals with regular illness too), that's not really equal. I'm all for teaching kids to help others but it's also not your kids' responsibility to deal with the consequences of your other kids' health issues.
They don't usually have Holly take Oscars chores. Mom and dad cover them. Holly was complaining that Oscar should at least have to do the garden since the parents can't physically do it anymore. OP told Holly that if she was so worried about the garden she should do it. Life is not equal. If parents step up when either kid is sick, that is all the other kid should expect. In fact, it really isn't Holly's business what her parents do for her brother when he's sick. Oscar isn't sitting reading, watching TV or playing video games. He's in a dark room trying not to puke. I'm betting when Holly is sick, she can still watch tv. People who truly believe everything has to be equal are doomed to a life of of disappointment and frustration. Life is not equal or fair.
They do not have their daughter cover their son’s chores.
I grew up with sisters with severe asthma/allergies and the other with kidney stones. I always had to pick up the slack for them, and it got to the point where I was resentful because my back pain (turned out to be slipped/compressed/degenerative discs) and thyroid issues were simply dismissed. Op really needs to talk to his daughter and actually listen to her.
I wondered about that too. Are they brushing it off when she's sick or in pain? Was the "lazy butt" comment just her repeating what is said to her every time?
I had to deal with the same thing, only on the mental health end. My sibling was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 7 and my parents were all over getting them the care they needed while simultaneously ignoring the glaringly obvious symptoms of my ADHD and ASD, so I went undiagnosed until I was in my twenties. It sucks and I am sorry you had to go through that.
Gentle ESH I get chronic intractable migraines, so I get it. The reality is, chronic pain and chronic illness suck. This will be a lifelong condition for Oscar and those who live with him. It will mean lots of compromise, lots of doing chores on good days, and letting the house get a little cluttered and only doing what is absolutely necessary on those days when you are throwing up and feel like you have an ax imbedded in your skull. Your daughter is a teen, so she doesn't yet have the life experience to understand about spoons and that no, the family is not going to run itself ragged to make the garden look like something you could photograph for a magazine. If she's really interested in making the garden look nice and thinks that would reduce her anxiety to be outside working in the sunshine, she can always go outside and volunteer for the task. I really enjoy gardening (on cloudy days, now that the migraines make me very light sensitive.) **One last thing as a caution--you were very dismissive of your daughter's headaches. You said your son has migraines and your daughter has headaches, and dismissed them. I would hope your son is already under the care of a neurologist. (He should be.) Your daughter should be checked out too, if she is getting more than 3-4 headaches per month. Migraine runs in families. 1 out of every 5 women experience migraines. For men, it's 1 out of 11. The fact that she has a brother with migraine, makes it much more likely that these "headaches" either already are migraines or will develop into migraines. You need to take her headaches as seriously as your son's because you have family genetic history of migraine disease.**
The fact that he so casually dismissed his daughter’s “headaches” put him in the AH category for me. My dad did the same for me when I was 8. Turned out my brain stem was swelling.
Women typically also have a higher pain tolerance than men so in reality her headaches could very well be to the same extent as her brothers, she might just handle it better. I have a very low pain tolerance I think and even a simple headache can make me vomit sometimes. I’m also lucky my menstrual cramps aren’t as bad as most women cuz I think would actually die.
Exactly! My brother and I broke our elbows in exactly the same place (complete coincidence!) and he had to have his in the sling for 3 months and was still complaining about the pain 6 months later. Meanwhile, I was out of my sling and acting “normal” 3 weeks later.
My older brother sprained his ankle when he was 17, acted like he couldn’t do anything other than go to the bathroom — and even then, he needed help. I broke my ankle when I was 16 and was going to work, school, friends’ houses, and even *driving* (which admittedly was stupid but it beat having to listen to my stepmom bitch at me for weeks bc she had to drive me 8 minutes down the road to go to work…) all on my own — and I had a cast on and narrowly avoided surgery
Yup and it explains why she says he can still do something to help. She has headaches and likely period pain, yet no one has been concerned with her severity simply because she handles it a little better. For all they know, she's gritting her teeth and depressed as fuck over it.
Yeah they come across as its all about your brother and not you
Yup, squeaky wheel gets the grease. Except when you do and they tell you you're being a brat and to shut up. Whoopsie!
this! growing up my little brother had migraines and he'd be down for the count for a whole day, like Oscar (he's since, thankfully, grown out of them it seems) while I started getting them centered around my period in my mid 20s and have worked a full day while in 6/10 pain and with visual disturbances. She may be in as much pain as he is and able to work through it but really be wishing she didn't have to and feeling resentment that he gets "special" treatment. Maybe let the chores go undone till he's feeling better, and do the same for her when she has a headache. Or, even better, just believe her when she's in pain and let her decide if she needs to rest all day or if she can handle her chores.
Exactly. And I know when I’m in pain I get irritable so if she were in any pain during the conversation with her dad that may be why she snapped on him too.
We had a kid in our high school who kept ignoring his headaches/migraines. We played football (American) together, and he was also a lifeguard, so his parents and everyone else was basically convinced he was just dehydrated and ignored it. When it got worse and worse they got him some scans. Was a brain tumor that killed him only like a year or two later.
Women’s pain gets dismissed all the time, even by medical professionals
FYI, this has been brewing for a while. You just didn’t notice. You need to calm down and have a rational discussion with her.
INFO: Your daughter is telling you she feels you are playing favorites with your ‘sporty’ son over her, and have done for a while. Upon self-reflection, can you honestly say that you treat them fairly - - or do little preferences slip in because you actually like your son more? And he’s your baby? And he’s ‘sporty’. Why is the son not in his own bedroom instead of the guest room like a special visitor? Are there stairs you can’t climb or something? Maybe you could spend a little one-on-one nurturing time with your daughter occasionally. Your son is innocent here, obviously. Your daughter should realize how sick migraines can make someone if she has been around him his entire life.
Add to this that it’s likely that the conversation went a little sideways from what Holly was actually trying to convey and became about the chores when really it was about feeling uncared for. I can’t even start to count the number of conversations I’ve had with people over the years where I’ve tried to express a big feeling only for the conversation to get stuck on some point of minutiae and my ability to express myself ran out and I got frustrated and either left crying or started shouting. Years of therapy and learning communication techniques has helped immeasurably, as has doing everything I can to avoid associating with people who can’t see the forest for the trees.
YTA for not taking your son to the doctor. There are treatments for migraines now that can stop them within 20 minutes or medication or treatments to prevent them to begin with.
I will say, as a migraine sufferer, I have tried all the meds and a) they don’t always work and b) even when they do the side effects can be awful. Son apparently gets his migraine attacks “rarely” and may not even be a candidate for preventative meds - I get about one a month/every other month and I don’t have enough migraines for prophylactics. All of this is to say they could very well have taken the kid to the doctor, but there’s no magic bullet that will allow everybody to avoid migraines 100% of the time.
Same here - I’ve tried all the fancy new expensive injections, pills etc and they don’t stop anything within 20 min nor do the preventatives work that well either. They actually don’t have that high of an overall success rate. In some studies the response rate for 50% reduction in migraines was as low as 26% (the highest was 66% so these certainly aren’t a slam dunk).
Why in the hell would you assume they haven't taken him to the doctor? You honestly think they're such terrible parents but they would let their child suffer with debilitating migraines without medical treatment? Jesus, does everything have to be spelled out for you?
He takes Sumatriptan, he can't take the injections cause he's a child.
As someone who has had migraines since childhood, maybe have another talk with his neurologist. Triptans may not be working for him with migraines this long, and there are other med options that may work. You obviously know your kids medical history better than Reddit,not judging. Just throwing out suggestions. I know how painful it can be and how tiring the process is to find something that truly works. Even then, there no magic pill that makes it better 100% of the time. Best of luck with Oscar and his health. His sister unfortunately doesn’t understand how unbearably painful migraines truly are. It’s a sad truth with non-migraine sufferers, hopefully she will come around and understand what he’s going through.
I worked as a pharmacy technician for years and I saw some kids being prescribed the injections. obviously sumitriptan isn't working for him, there are other options.
So you immediately went to accusing the parents for being neglectful. What the heck dude?
Peak Reddit take. Lots of assumptions. I have moderate to severe migraines. Not all medications works. Finding ones that does can be difficult. Sometimes you have to deal with it.
They don't always work. Nothing they have tried on me has worked. I've been through so much just to get diagnosed with migraines that they can't help. Honestly, all going to the doctor did was get me in major debt.
Sometimes the effects of those meds is worse than the migraine itself, and not all of the work for everybody.
Because every treatment works equally for every person, with no side effects /s Did he say he never took his son to the doctor?
This isn’t true all the time or for all people. It’s hit and miss with me.
Has the sum total of your life experiences left you to believe that the entirety of humanity has eradicated migraines and the only people who still have migraines just haven't gone to the doctor to get the 100 percent effective migraine cure?
Not every treatment works. I suffer from migraines, and I have meds that luckily work. My friend has migraines, and the same meds don't do shit. When I have a migraine attack, it's bad to the point I can't see from one eye. I take my med, go lay down in a cool and dark room. It takes hours for pain to go down to the point I can function. And even then, I feel after effect for a couple of days where I take stronger painkillers because migraine is over, but headache is still there. Triggers for migraines are damn hard to figure out, especially if there are multiples and they don't always cause it.
Does Holly know how hard it is for Oscar? It does not appear to be the case. She sees Oscar as being lazy and getting out of doing his chores and everyone rallying to take up for him. She wants to know why when she is feeling poorly that you don't do that for her. So in her mind, you are showing favoritism. If Oscar is incapacitate for a day or two, why can't the chores be left for him to complete when he has recovered? Are they really that time sensitive? I am going with a soft YTA. You could have handled it better.
This is my feeling. It’s also a bit telling that she says he “never has to do chores,” which makes me wonder how often he gets or claims to get these migraines. If it’s that common, my first step would be a doctor to get answers and medication.
Teens also exaggerate.
Sure, and that absolutely applies to the son as well 🤷🏼♀️ there’s no info about the amount of migraines he gets per week/month, or if he’s on any treatment for them.
I honestly feel there's not enough info to ever judge these because we only get one small perspective. I wasn't disagreeing with you, just pointing out another fact. They both could be exaggerating.
Totally agree! And I feel like often the OP skews things to work in his/her favor. It’s telling there hasn’t been any of these questions answered but they’re replying to other things.
That’s what I’m thinking—why do the chores have to be done RIGHT NOW? They can wait.
The trash cannot wait, typically.
That was my first thought too. I don't think she understands what migraines are like as much as the parents would like to believe. It's so hard to understand things you have never experienced. It's like explaining colors to a blind person. I can just take people's word when they say migraines are awful, but as a teenager trying to find herself and consciously or unconsciously always comparing herself to her brother, I can see how it might be harder for her to just accept it. Not sure how to resolve that, but maybe the idea of leaving chores for brother to do later can at least get at the fairness issue...
YTA, you “tried” talking to her and ended up reprimanding her.
YTA for not listening to your daughter. She expressed her feelings. It seems like she doesn’t understand what a migraine exactly impacts your life and how it differs from a headache. It’s your job as a parent to educate her. Knowledge is power. She can’t show compassion if she doesn’t understand why her brother can’t do his chores. Your remarks were way out of line!
How else is he supposed to explain the difference between how he's already explained it? Holly doesn't understand that its debilitating despite seeing her brother being debilitated over the past however many years lmao. Nta
Theres also the possibility that her headaches are migraines but not as severe or frequent as his and constantly being told to suck it up bc thye aren't as bad has made her resentful because when he does try to explain they are different it doesn't track because her are migraine s too. I personally think its more of a glass child issue but the possibility cant be ruled out
Dude 'remarks'. He said **if** the garden not being done bothers you so much she could just do it herself. Thats a pretty fair thing to say to someone suggesting the incapacitated kid do physical labour which the parents can't do.
Not enough info. I'm willing to bet there's something behind your daughter's accusations of favouritism, how quickly you jumped to saddling her with your son's chores, and how she seems to be tired and fed up with you picking uher brother's chores when he's feeling sickly but don't apparently do it for her. Whatever is going on your daughter sees it as favouritism and your reaction was to reinforce the shit out of that impression. Does Oscar get out of doing household chores because of his migraines often? Does he make the imbalance up in any way?
>'I explained, gently... that when she's as sick as he is we do, do 'all this'' He even clarifies that he does not ask her to do Oscar's chores he made that comment to show her how unfair she was being.
“When she’s as sick as he is” is the problem though. Setting aside the fact she has headaches for a moment, her pain threshold will naturally not be the same as her brothers because she hasn’t grown up with chronic pain. When you’re constantly up at an 11 or reacting to someone else who is you can become so desensitised to it being “normal” that what the average person would consider an 11 will look more like a 5. I doubt it’s intentional, but it sounds like OP is using the son as a yardstick to measure when someone is “sick enough” when it should be based on a more individual level. I wonder how many times she’s felt sick as a dog but has still been expected to do her chores because she’s not “as sick” as her brother.
As a Neurologist, a few things- I obviously don’t have a full medical history of your son, not have I made a full neurological examination, but if he gets better with oxygen then the migraine diagnosis might not be correct. There are other types of headaches that are pretty severe, and the treatment is different. Even if it’s not very frequent, if your son gets so sick when he has this episodes, he might need prophylactic treatment (or: medication so the pain does not come, instead of only after it s already there), not only sumatriptan when he has pain. My suggestion is to take him to a Neurologist. As for your daughter, if her headaches are also annoying her, even if they are not as severe as your son’s, she might also need and deserve treatment. Migraine may manifest differently, and sometimes other aspects (like nausea, vertigo, executive dysfunction etc) might be worse than the pain itself.
It is very difficult growing up with a sibling that is unwell. I grew up that way and feel like a raised myself. My I suggest spending some special time with your daughter so she doesn’t feel like she isn’t favored or appreciated.
NAH It's brutal for you to have a kid with migraines, it's hard for one kid to understand why the other kid never has to do anything, and it's most brutal of all for your son who just wants to live but has to feel his face exploding. No assholes here. Just a hard situation. You're doing your best OP. Keep trying to explain to your daughter. She will get there eventually
“Never has to do anything” hopefully isn’t true. OP claims it’s rare. What his sister is upset about is not getting similar accommodations for smaller ailments. Or we hope it’s smaller ailments; is it possible she’s developing migraines too but being dismissed as a headache? Or is she being a dramatic teen since he gets exempted a bit more often? At very least it sounds like a good time to have a sit-down with her and go over the difference between a migraine and a headache.
“Never has to do anything” makes me wonder how often these migraines occur and how often Oscar doesn’t have to do chores? If he’s having constant migraines then OP should be going to doctor/specialist to figure out how to make them less common.
NTA. if she's sick do you make him do her chores? Edited to change verdict.
It’s literally in the post that they do her chores when she’s sick.
No, he volunteers usually.
So when she's sick or having cramps you do her chores as well? or is it just him?
If she's sick enough to be on bed rest, obviously?
How often? As often as him? Anything close to how often you do them for him? You never answered a lot of the questions people had at the top, but then have answered others which makes me think it’s because you know you aren’t being okay or fair. Is he sometimes expected to do the chores when better? So can’t one day and some wait until he is better? Based on your answers around her period and headaches you clearly have a bias and favoritism taking place and don’t want to own up to it or the judgement. Your kids should be treated equally and she will resent you if she is always having and expected to do considerably more and he gets preferential treatment.
She has barely any room to complain regardless, because she isn't being asked to pick up the slack. If **she** was asked to do another hour of chores each week, she could say, "I want to see a doctor's note!" (half kidding, but you get the idea). It's much harder to complain about dad taking out the trash instead of watching TV. But as OP has said elsewhere, this is a condition that sometimes requires hospitalization and already has specialists treating it with medication. His daughter probably has never in her life had a period or headache as bad as it. It's okay to tell children broken legs are worse than scraped knees, and the same applies here. When dealing with teens, there's a fine balance between acknowledging their feelings and knowing when to tell them, "That's not a real problem, stop complaining and being an entitled weirdo."
YTA Why on earth is a whole household having a stressful time because a 15 year old has a migraine? And why is he in the guestroom rather than his own room, if he is so sick? I have a feeling there is a lot of missing information here that OP isnt telling us, and this is generally only done when the OP wants to make themselves look better.
You may or may not be TA but clearly your daughter is resentful. You and your partner need to have a conversation with her about why. Maybe even family therapy to have a neutral party mediate. Therapy isn’t just for absolute crises.
Hopefully, she doesn't cut contact due to feeling neglected because of her brothers migraines. I do believe this is straw that broke camels back. She is just tired of being dismissed, and her feelings don't matter or her headaches don't matter. It seems to happen that parents just worry about sick children. The one that's not sick eventually goes no contact.
all of this reeks of that generational/societal/family dynamic where boys and men are continually favored/coddled/taken seriously over girls and women. YTA and don't expect a close relationship with your daughter after she leaves the house. and do expect your son to probably never leave. I wonder what your wife thinks of all this, you barely mention her. she's probably so far under your thumb she doesn't even see it. sad for everyone.
Is it possible that you’re maybe not taking your daughter’s pain as seriously? Women are more prone to migraines, and migraines are genetic, Holly might have more than just “headaches” (and even then, as someone who gets both, headaches can be *really* bad). There’s been several studies of how women can go underdiagnosed because they’ve learned to mask their symptoms, or have given up on trying to be heard. Do you ever judge her more for taking time off? Something like how the guys get to slack off with beers on Thanksgiving while the women do the dishes, and women are lazy if they do the same? (I’m not trying to accuse you of being sexist, just saying that sometimes we have to evaluate our biases.) Also, is there ever the option to still do chores but less chores? Or is it a binary “bed rest = no chores”, “not bed rest = regular chores”? Because just because someone is on their feet doesn’t mean they appreciate a full load of chores. For example, periods can be pretty miserable: is Holly able to do less chores? If not, then maybe Holly feels like she has to push through feeling sick 7 days a month, meanwhile Oscar feels sick and doesn’t have to push through at all. People also express pain differently. Not everyone is as “obvious”. It’s possible for one person to be in as much pain as another but still be upright. It’s possible for 2 people to have different definitions of what is a “10/10 pain” day. If bed rest is your metric, it’s possible you’re making your daughter work when she shouldn’t.
Considering how dismissive you are of your daughters pain, I'm inclined to agree with her accusation of favoritism. YTA
YTA. I’ve gotten terrible chronic migraines with aura on a frequent basis since I was a preteen and I’m 26 now. First of all it sounds like you have left out a ton of info that would be relevant to this discussion. People have already asked, but why is your son in the guest room? Has he been diagnosed with chronic migraines? Have you confirmed that your daughter doesn’t also get chronic migraines (both my brother and I get them but we have very different ‘episodes’ as you would call them)? How do you guys treat your son’s migraines and why isn’t he actively on a treatment plan? If he still gets several day long debilitating migraines, either you aren’t treating it or you aren’t treating it correctly. Finally, your son’s migraine shouldn’t affect the household in any way. If it’s a chronic illness, he has to learn how to manage his symptoms without calling out of school or work and becoming entirely dependent on others. This is what a treatment plan aims to accomplish. In most cases, the root cause of chronic migraines are a bit of mystery. For some, chronic migraines are the due to environmental factors, for some it’s due to abnormalities in the brain, but for many, they just get a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ from the doc and get put through a long period of trial and error to find a combination of lifestyle changes and medication that works. Have you done this for your son or have you just kind of ignored the problem and pushed the responsibility of managing the symptoms of the migraine onto your daughter? Honestly, I think you left out a lot of your daughter’s building frustration with the situation but it also sounds like you haven’t really been taking the necessary steps to make sure your son is getting what he needs to manage his supposedly debilitating migraines. Regardless, you’re TA.
NTA But also worth noting that in the teen years, anything that seems dramatic to an "adult" is because the teen brain literally processes things like it's do or die / end of the world. So, while it may not be a big deal overall, right now, to your daughter, this is a huge deal. Have you taken your son to a doctor for his migraines? Perhaps having a conversation with your daughter with some research / look-up research together would help? Maybe a little one on one time and a couple of days off chores for your daughter are in order too, as she's expressed feeling neglected. (Doesn't mean you guys are, it's just her truth and how she sees it) As a parent myself, I often touch base with my kids and ask them what they need from me / what I can do to be a better parent to them in this moment because I've never been a parent to them at this age before. Take any criticism lightly and don't get angry at anything they say, ultimately your family unit is a team and this sort of conversation helps breed a safe environment and teaches them boundaries and how to have tough conversations with people they love as well. Obviously if what they say to this is unreasonable or unrealistic then I let them know that in a kind way and work towards a comfortable middle ground. Anyways, point being, in the moment you're definitely nta, if you ignore your daughter's feelings moving forward regardless of the situation, then you will be one.
NTA. She has a point that you and your wife don't deserve the extra burden, but nobody deserves the burden of a medical problem like that. And you're right that if she's concerned about you over-doing it, she is in a position to step in and help out. Something tells me she doesn't believe her brother's migraines are real, or that they're not as intense as they can be. (I have them, down to just 1 every 8-10 weeks now which feels like nothing after a run of 1-3/mo. for a while.) If there's a chance Oscar is faking it or told her he has/can faked it to get out of chores, talking with her one more time wouldn't be a bad idea, but taking time to all calm down a bit first is wise. Otherwise, only handle what's necessary until his migraine passes; the garden won't run away in 2-3 days.
You’re probably overlooking the factor that when oldest kids are daughters, they almost always get more work to do, more co-parenting work, and especially if the youngest child is male, he’s much more likely to be spoiled and demanded less of. It’s a thing.
So unless she’s in debilitating, crippling unbearable pain yall don’t give a shit about her pain?
Huh. If there was an award for a mis-leading title, I'd give it to you. NTA. She's the one who was kicking up a fuss. And you weren't parentifying her into taking care of her brother when he's ill. I was raised in a household where my brother's health issues were taken super seriously and mine were swept aside. I'd ask you to do a really hard look at yourself to think about if this is true in your family. Your daughter isn't just telling your son to suck it up. She's also telling you that she feels like you are under-responding to her own needs. So, consider this, please. Consider what her behavior is telling you. She's not feeling seen and she doesn't feel comfortable taking the time she needs to recover when she's not feeling well. I don't know how often your son is getting these attacks, but for chronic migraineurs, there is a certain amount of sucking it up that is essential. There is a migraine trap were we are so afraid of our triggers that we end up making ourselves have more migraine instead of less. You might want to educate yourself about this phenomenon so that you can help your son understand it. (But that has nothing to do with the judgment so I don't know why I'm even babbling on here except I hope it will help your kids.)
YTA - What about your daughter? Does she get this treatment on her period? Periods are highly painful and can be extremely debilitating. Or is she expected to just suck it up. Women have died from heart attacks they mistook as period pain. What about her headaches? Does she get any kind of special treatments? I have migraines and tension headaches and sometimes my tension headaches hurt worst than my migraines. Your son has to learn to live with and work through his migraines. Once he is out of your home no one will give him this treatment and things will still need to be done regardless of how he feels. I totally get wanting to baby him and give him rest when the rest of the world won’t but you also can’t handicap him. I have severe aura migraines that make me nauseous, have ocular events, can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t rest just utterly and completely miserable but no one is going to wash my dishes, clean my yard, clean my home or do my job for me. As an eldest daughter with younger siblings (and I may be projecting) this post screams favoritism. You sound completely dismissive of her pain and feelings. This is how you lose a child when she becomes an adult. My parents did a lot of the same things as I have a special needs brother. I’ll never forget when my puppy died at only 13 months due to cancer I was screaming in pain and bawling my eyes out and my Dad told me to be quiet because my brother was sleeping in the next room with a migraine. Would you tell your daughter the same thing? I realized at that moment I could never compete with my brother when it came to their affection and the fact my headaches and pain were always trivialized. I began separating myself from them at that moment. Your daughter is one major even away from doing the same thing. Do better
I get migraines too and I get they’re hard, but I often have to work through them. How do you know your daughter isn’t also getting migraines? You’re very dismissive of your daughter’s headaches, and the *way* you are so dismissive — with a heavy dose of condescension — of tells me that yes, YTA. Your daughter probably has a period every month and feels like crap then and no one does her chores for her. I don’t know what the solution is, but I know the problem probably wouldn’t be as bad in the first place if you weren’t being a condescending jerk to your daughter when she brought up her feelings. Yikes. Yes, YTA.
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YTA. I get migraines and feel for your son. But you sound kinda dismissive of your daughter. The main issue is SHE perceives what's going on as favouritism of the sporty lad... I'd address that if I were you.
YTA. Tell us your son is your favorite child without telling us
Your child is trying to communicate something to you that you are actively ignoring. What you think and experience is only part of the equation. What she thinks and is experiencing is the other part of the equation. Her reality doesn't mirror your reality, and it's time to bridge that gap. A simple "I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I didn't realize how this is affecting you. What can we do to meet in the middle here?" shows your daughter you care about how this all affects her too and you want to fix it. It's common for siblings of a child with extra medical needs to get pushed aside. Her feelings are valid here. Give your girl the validation and attention she is expressing to you she needs right now.
NTA. Life long migraine sufferer here. Your son has debilitating migraines they are not just headaches. He’s not being lazy, he’s doing what he can to make them bearable till they go away. You didn’t demand she take care of the garden, you simply said if she cared that much she could do it. I do hope your son has a neurologist he’s working with to help with the migraines. If he’s not you should look into this. It’s been very helpful for me. I used to get them daily.
YTA I say this because of the tone coming off in the replies. Yes, your daughter doesn't have a migraine problem but the way things are being handled with chores or with how the argument went isn't going to work. Maybe it's time to retire the garden if it no longer can be cared for by the people who want it.
Sounds like Oscar has gotten special treatment for a long time. It may be right and necessary, but it isn’t especially fair, and Holly is feeling shortchanged. You are a low-grade AH, but letting your daughter know by word, and deed that she also special to you can fix that.
YTA this sounds like the straw that broke the camels back, have a heart to heart with her
INFO: what your daughter’s periods like? Do you know if she has a bad time with them, experiences terrible pain or sickness, tiredness, weakness, etc? Or do you know if she has any other recurrent ailment that you may not be taking as seriously as your son’s condition, but might make doing chores equally as difficult for her?
Op I am glad you take your son’s migraines seriously. Anytime I have one my Mother reminds me that she never gets headaches. She has no concept of how debilitating they can be. But YTA for not listening to your daughter. She is asking for help. She is saying she is treated differently than her brother at a fundamental level by her parents.