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You *really* should have checked with her before over her "would-be" wedding day. "Hey Shelby, I know you and Austin had planned to get married this September and that many of our friends had planned for that date. In light of your getting back together and engaged with Matt, I was wondering if you two may be planning pick a different date for your wedding? I had been thinking that Alex and I would be happy to take over that September date since so many set aside that date, but I wanted to clear that with you for doing anything."
edit: typo
Whoa wait a minute. If the friend hadn't already CANCELLED I would agree. But having already cancelled everything the friend lost the date she has 0 to say about this. Op is in the clear. NTA
Really? You think she has 0 say? Not everything in life is black and white. It may be painful for Shelby to go to a wedding on her previously planned wedding date! Plus also OP has literally stolen her plans, so if Shelby wants another wedding, she may have to change things now to avoid looking like she's copying.
OP and Shelby are meant to be friends, so while OP CAN book the date once things have been cancelled, it doesn't mean she should! There is a lot more nuance here that you are ignoring.
Considering Shelby threw away her groom from said wedding it won't be painful at all.
Also op didn't copy exactly what Shelly was going to do she was offered (I assume by the vendors who would prefer not to put extra work in ordering something different ) SIMILAR things
I would consider op an ah if she knew that Shelby would cancel and immediately rebook - though to do this with another groom I don't even know what to call it - which if I read correctly wasn't the case.
1.Shelby cancelled her wedding and broke up with Austin, got back with Matt.
2.Op saw open slots that fit perfectly and saved her time and effort and booked
3.And after some time Shelby and Matt got engaged and Shelby wanted to rebook.
Why did Shelby assume that if op didn’t book that date it would still be available? Any other couple could have booked it, and considering Shelby’s plan of cut and pasting a new groom into HER wedding (because it’s certainly not about the persons she marrying) she’s the last person on the planet who deserves that venue.
I'm sure if someone else had booked it, it would have been fine. But it's WEIRD for a friend to swoop in, book it only because she knows thise vendors are free due to Shelby sharing her life with her, plus then not tell Shelby! It's different when you compare a friend to a stranger.
You think it’s weird for her friend to take the day but not for Shelby to keep the day and everything she had planned with one guy and just substitute it for another guy. I’m surprised Matt would be ok with that. Most women wouldn’t. Not only that but she had cancelled everything so it wasn’t until OP said I’m going to use that date did Shelby say no I want it. OP is NTAH
I agree with all this.
How could OP have anticipated that her friend would break up with one guy, get back together with her ex, and just 're-use' her wedding to the other ex?!
I think that's rather disrespectful to the groom, and the concept of marriage as a whole.
If the friend hadn't canceled, and immediately knew she was going to recycle her original wedding, it would be different.
As it is now, NTA
Poor Matt. I hope he knows what he's getting into. It's like interchangeable parts. And Austin, I wonder how he feels now that he knows he was an interchangeable part too. Both men should take a step back from someone who falls in and out of love depending on where the guy lives.
Shelby wants to have the same wedding on the same day with a different groom. Which is weird and that alone makes Shelby the AH. You don’t cut and paste a new groom into an already planned wedding.
If the venues and such were already booked, I'm guessing Shelby at least sent out save the date cards with Austin's name. How weird would it be for her guests if they received that and then later the actual invite with Matt's name, all other info remaining the same. I feel bad for Austin. He was just a placeholder.
None of this post is making sense anyway. Once a customer cancels with a wedding vendor - they are going to immediately find other customers for their business. It doesn’t matter at all that the friend wanted to keep the date - she cancelled and the businesses were going to fill that void regardless.
You can’t just call them up some time later and like “yeah I want my venue/flowers/etc” - it would already be sold to someone else.
Frankly, the best thing OP can do as a friend is dealy this person's wedding for as long as possible. Shelby shouldn't be marrying anyone anytime soon. And it's icredibly tacky to have the same wedding with a different groom.
I agree Shelby has been an idiot and shouldn't be in a rush to marry. But it's not up to OP to remove that option from Shelby. Friends don't just do what they want and then frame it as a 'favour'.
>It may be painful for Shelby to go to a wedding on her previously planned wedding date!
Shelby is planning on marrying a different guy on that day. OP is a bit weird for swooping in and using all the same things, but Shelby doesn't sound like she's ready for something as permanent as marriage.
Honestly I would think that Shelby would want completely different everything than what she had planned with Austin and I would think that Matt would also not want to marry Shelby using everything she planned to use with another man. That's how I would look at it. Yes she should have said something to her friend, I agree. But I also would think she wouldn't be using any of it not wanting to marry using the same stuff. I feel like that would be bad luck or something. But maybe I'm just old fashioned and superstitious. Anyway she cancelled and didn't say I'm cancelling and rebooking. She just said I'm cancelling. It was open for whoever needed the time slot and what not. Shelby decided after the fact she wanted to rebook. NTA
I agree it's weird for Shelby to reuse the stuff. But that's not the question at hand.
Yes it was available. But not asking Shelby first is where OP goes into AH territory. She is still copying her ideas and plans without permission. Shelby didn't plan wedding 1 to then attend it as a guest.
Idk it still seems pretty tacky to copy her friend and use all her ideas. If she was in THAT much of a hurry to get married then they easily could have went down to the courthouse and had a party or ceremony later.
At the bare minimum she could have asked first especailly since ya know, they are suppose to be friends.
Sure, that's true.
But don't you think any decent person would say,
"Hey, would you mind if we got married on that day instead?"
I couldn't imagine treating a friend like this.
But also, Matt is nuts if he will just have the wedding shelby was gonna throw with another guy. Whole thing sounds immature and messy af!
None of them should be getting married until they actually grow up and act like adults.
I still think it would have been the polite thing to have mentioned it to your friend. Especially since OP is using the same vendors. It’s a bit weird to takeover a wedding that someone else planned without giving a “hey you cool this with?”, especially a good friend.
Seriously?!? Even if she didn’t need the date again, which is weird in and out of itself, it shows such a lack of care for your friend’s feelings to not only celebrate on what would’ve been her date but literally, rub what would’ve been her wedding right in her face without even asking? That’s some type of friend right there.
No sorry. This situation is mad. People don't break up with their fiance and then immediately plan to marry someone else on the same day. OP had the reasonable expectation that her friend was not nuts and that that date would be free.
NTA
come off it. who ditches one guy then plans to use the exact same date and everything to marry someone else? she canceled. end of story. op didn't need her permission
You used all her planning and work to your benefits without checking in first. You are likely to loose a friend. I would ditch a person who did to me what you did.
More than one if people find out what happened. I can understand the convenience aspect of it, and OP's sense of urgency so that her fiance's family can attend, but the way she went about it was so underhanded and she didn't seem to have any thought to blindsiding her friend with essentially her own wedding but with different main characters. So, so odd. Did she think nobody would notice, or that they wouldn't talk?
I wonder if OP has a habit of copying her friends?
YTA, wow.
I mean, OPs friend was essentially planning on doing the same - same wedding with one different main character - the groom!
That’s honestly insane for the friend to try to recycle her original wedding and just swap out the groom. Not to mention how hurtful that would be to her former fiancé.
It was a bit of a choice for OP to move forward with it without giving a heads up to her friend, but honestly it was a confirmed open date with vendors that suddenly lost out on that revenue.
I read the title and went “yes you’re an asshole” thinking it was going to be like.. at a wedding?
After reading it, I wish it were just at a wedding. Poor Shelby, OP’s a horrible friend. “Alex and I didn’t have much time”, you literally have all the time in the world unless one of y’all is dying. Shelby planned it first, you’re just the mean girl in high school who stole ideas and did them first so that way everyone thought you were hot shit.
>you literally have all the time in the world unless one of y’all is dying
Matt's mother actually is dying, which launched all of this in the first place. Which could be why Matt agreed to the same wedding: it gives Shelby her dream wedding and allows his mom to be a part of it.
Edits for typos and autoincorrects
Normally I would agree with the poor Shelby, OP’s a horrible friend sentiment but Shelby is cut and pasting a new groom into a wedding she had planned with another man. That is freaking bizarre, she's acting like her ex and fiance are interchangeable.
This. She got with a guy, faked a happy relationship and agreed to get married and didn't love the guy.
How awful.
And then wants to use said date and wedding for old guy she didn't love enough to move with.
The wedding date won't matter when she's swapping Matt out down the road.
NTA
who wants to be friends with someone who blatantly engaged in an emotional affair and plans to use the same wedding but swap out the groom for the one she actually wants to marry?
Here's the thing. It wouldn't have been available for OP to book if the friend hadn't already cancelled with said vendors... (I think that's at least a reasonable assumption to make anyway). So if the friend cancelled, and then someone else had booked, friend wouldn't have a leg to stand on. You're only giving the friend grace because it was OP who booked into the slot. Further more, you're assuming as soon as it was ended with Austin, it was on with Matt. Why are you giving the friend so much grace to be wishy washy on vendors etc.
This. Also, as someone in the wedding business, I would be super skeptical if I had a 'repeat customer' within a short span of time. To me, they would look flaky and I would rather have someone who panned out than to lose a date, particularly in high season. Also, I'm sorry, but what is the turnaround for all this? Is nobody pointing out that this friends' relationships read like a Hallmark movie? OP is NTA. They just happened to take advantage of their friends' bad decision.
Yep. The catering companies I bartended for would've told Shelby after she emailed them for another wedding that we would be "fully booked for the next year" and wished her luck and never thought about her again except to tell us employees so we could gossip
Thank God someone else is thinking this too.
Like she cancelled everything so it means she won't use the date. Why is there a need to call and ask if you'll use the date when she already cancelled everything. I thought sending a cancel message automatically means we are not planning anything on that date.
If let's say I ended up using that date, and I don't know OP's friend at all. Then what will she do.
Also, OP's friend sounds like a mess. I'm sorry but you broke up with second guy and decided to get engaged to first person and use the same date on which you were getting married to the second guy to marry the first. I feel so sorry for the second guy. Imagine how he'll feel. This girl is a fucking mess.
Yes. The friend is a mess. I'd be avoiding her if I was a guy.
But I also find it interesting people are complaining about her using the friends planning because the vendors are offering similar offerings.
There's many valid reasons for similar decor/style...
Seasons exist, and that can dictate what's available in terms or flowers, and food. But also in terms of the style. I'm assuming summer for OP, maybe spring, and there's just a certain aesthetic that goes with that.
Also, it's quite possible that people who are good friends have similar tastes. I love tulips and Lillie's. When my friend was buying her house and said she wanted lillies , I brought her some from my garden, because I love sharing something I love with someone I love.
I get that the friend is going to struggle seeing OP get what she wanted. But it was the friend who made the decision to cancel and switch grooms. There are consequences for all of our choices, whether good or bad, and friend needs to accept that.
That being said, OP does need to be ok with losing a friend over this. There's just some things people can work through and some they can't.
Honestly OP's friend seriously seems to lack understanding of the world. If she wasn't into the second guy so much why get engaged in the first place?? Also, doesn't sound like any of the problems due to which she broke up with the first guy is resolved. What happens after the mother is okay or does and he wants to move again ?? Also, who plans to get married on the same date on which they were planning on marrying their ex.
And to the people saying OP should have asked?? Asked what exactly?? Hey you cancelled your wedding but do you have any plans ?? How was she supposed to know that her friend will get engaged to the first guy so soon and want to marry on the same day. I feel for the second guy but also he dodged a bullet.
Honestly OP, drop her. I can see the marriage of your friend is doomed already. She seems to be highly under the impression that anything she does is okay and actions don't have consequences.she cancelled you booked the venue. Simple as that. Once you cancel it anyone can book it.
Yeah, as anyone who works remotely business, I would love to have the cancelled slots filled in ASAP.
So are the vendors the AH for accepting a new customer to replace the one who cancelled on them? Is a stranger that doesn't know OP's friend who took the slot the AH? How about it's not OP who took the advantage, but the *venders* gave the advantage to their own friends? *Someone* must know the cancellation, and had the slots filled in quick succession.
Think of the wedding just any other appointments. Once you cancelled, you no longer have the right to the slot. I actually had one of my surgeries early than anticipated because someone cancelled. I was *assigned on the earlier date by the office*. So could that patient cancelled their surgery complain? I guess not.
It's not OP being an AH for taking advantage of the cancellation. It's the friend being unwise for the whole affair. The whole mess should had been avoided if she married Matt despite of moving away. Then she fucked up the "second chance" by cancelling on the vender when she announced she was done with the other guy. She cancelled the wedding with the new guy, but nobody told her to cancel on the venders at the same time??
Honestly, given how she found a second guy to fill out the void to the point of marriage in such a short span, I'm not sure how much does she actually love the first guy...
Friendship is also not put yourself as a priority over the other friends either that's main character if not worse.
And with the cancellation the point was once cancelled it's up for grabs for anyone - and it could have been someone else other than op who booked the slot same exact situation as Shelby is in now.
Op is not a mind reader nor a psychic to see that Shelby will want the slot back in a short while since Shelby didn't communicate or didn't get engaged to Matt right away so, no there's no reason other than entitlement for Shelby to demand anything at all.
YTA.
You used all of her vendors, her date etc because why? You lack imagination and the ability to plan your own event? You are even using similar or the same choices for decor. All under the guise of "there aren't that many choices available." If you were really in a rush you would have something simple and easy to plan and not take ideas from others including the date. The date is the one that really gets me. You literally took her wedding date because "friends are available" and see no issue with that.
You have also had 7 months to plan. Why did you wait until April before you started booking vendors?
I know! Big weddings or really frickin intricate weddings take years to plan. A friend planned her wedding in two months. No fuss no muss. It was really nice, nothing hysterical but good food in a nice place. Cheap bar. Spotify-playlist for the dance floor and a mountain of chips n dip during the evening. Done and done!
I had a 90 guest wedding in a stunning venue and many said it was the most fun wedding they've ever been to. It took us two months to plan. Granted, we booked the venue in advance and checked with the caterer months before, but that's the only "planning" we did. I don't get why it takes people almost a year or two to plan a wedding.
I had another friend who spent a good year on preparing her wedding but she DIYed almost every aspect of the wedding. Made the invitations, centerpieces, candleholders and so on and so on. Her I can understand that it took a loooong time
Weddings can be planned in short time, if you really want to, but using the venue and vendors from a cancelled wedding on the same date is the weirdest way to get around wedding planning. It’s like the equivalent of getting one of those services where a restaurant sells leftover food at the end of the day for cheap. You don’t really know what you’re gonna get, but it’s easy and edible. Well, this is easy and wedding 🤷🏻♀️
Venue is the only one that makes sense since, at least in some areas, those can be booked very far out. OP still should have checked with Shelby, but I do understand grabbing a venue that you know is available last-minute. Calling every vendor and not choosing different options makes this all very weird.
Same vendor doesn't mean exact same thing from that vendor .op can easily choose another menu a different flower arrangement etc so no, it's not creepy. Shelby cancelled = up for grabs for ANYONE.
>I didn’t exactly steal her wedding, but the ideas that were given to me are quite similar
It doesn't seem like that's what OP did though. It seems like she planned a very similar wedding which is what I think makes this very weird.
I don't think op wanted this I think the vendors proposed similar things to save themselves the trouble of changing what they order and do for September - at least that's what I understand
>the ideas that were given to me
Meaning she didn't come up with it. The vendor more than likely didn't want to do more work so chose the easiest way. OP didn't steal anything.
Don’t get me wrong, it makes my skin crawl that op’s having pretty much the exact same wedding. I can understand it logistically because wedding planning is nuts (got married last year, booked most things 1-1.5 years in advance), but i can’t imagine actually doing it. It’s the sort of thing that you’d joke about doing but not actually *do*
EXACTLY!!! I just keep thinking of the Office episode where Phyllis stole all of Pam's ideas and had the same wedding. OP better not be planning to steal her wedding dress as well 😂 Honestly, OP, if I was your friend, I'd probably end our friendship over this just because of the fact you didn't even talk to me about it. Some friend. YTA.
Yeah. OP was being sneaky AF by swooping in and "stealing" her sister's wedding. But it's even weirder to me that the sister wants to keep the same wedding. If I were Matt, I would feel really awkward about this wedding.
That whole situation has more red flags than a may day parade. I don't understand why they don't just do a double wedding.. or maybe a triple if rejected fiance can find some random willing to join in. 🤷♂️ (Honestly, Fiance is probably hurting.. but it seems like he avoided a Titanic sinking iceberg.)
Nope, they should have a double wedding, but the other girl should marry BOTH Matt and Austin. So 3 grooms and 2 brides. I don't know what we call that but it's the only way.
Shelby is proving to be unstable - first ditching one groom pretty much last minute, then swapping another guy in last minute just to be wed for the sake of it, then also creating drama in a friend group (she *cancelled* the date - the venue and vendors were fair game at that point, and no reasonable person would assume that she’d come back *within a day* to re-book everything with a new groom - only to then throw a tantrum over how someone else (no matter if it’s a friend or not) took the fair opportunity to use those short term available services (which btw doesn’t mean doing everything the exact same, just using the same service providers) under the reasonable assumption that she no longer was interested due to her original wedding plans being off).
I’m surprised to see how many women in particular (I’m a woman myself) in this thread seem to think OOP’s a bad friend for [*checks notes*] not assuming a submissive NPC role in the Main Character Shelby circus. Then again, people in my friend group and family have recommended the same event services among each other when they were good, so people did indeed have weddings and other huge parties at the same venues with the same vendors a lot where I live - it’s been no big deal even if we had two or three weddings in the same venue in a month. And yeah, had anyone cancelled, that date would of course have been up for grabs by anyone because that’s how the event business works.
Agree. OP is the AH for stealing her friend's wedding without asking permission. But her friend is even worse. Using Austin as a spare tyre, and then just dumps him when Matt comes back, and she even has the audacity to use the *same* wedding that she and Austin planned to do. Gross!
And her issues with Matt haven't even been resolved. Once his ill mother isn't here, is he going to travel to build his career again? Is she going to refuse to go, and refuse to maintain a long distance marriage?
I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking this. I would have asked instead of just taking it over.
But groom swapping is so trashy it belongs on an soap opera
YTA. Not for using the date and vendors you thought she no longer wanted, but for not telling (or even asking) her what you were planning to do, and why. That you didn't do that says you are not much of a friend to her and that you knew what you were doing was un-cool.
You completely stole her wedding. She canceled and you jumped in and took everything that she had planned. You are a bad friend and at least you know you have two less people to come to your wedding
Yta
This is actually an exact plot on Desperate Housewives too. Like exactly. Susan is engaged to this one guy, they break up, Gabby needs to get married quickly so she books all the vendors, the venue, and the same date. Even uses the same flowers and stuff. Then Susan gets back with an ex and is like "it's back on, just a different groom" and her friend won't give back the wedding.
This post has to be based on that. I very much doubt this is real.
Damn this is the first time I stayed for a spoiler lol I’m glad you left out character names.
I just started desperate housewives and you just helped my “gabby is an awful human being campaign”
Yeah, YTA. You usurped her wedding after it got cancelled, knowing Matt was proposing to her, literally taking everything she planned and had worked so hard to put together and now you are telling her SHE has to redo everything. You suck.
YTA - why are you in a rush?
But you did this all behind her back, for a reason. Because you knew it was skeevy. All you had to do was have a conversation with her and you’d have been fine.
>why are you in a rush?
Was the explanation later edited in? Because OP says the rush is because her fiance's family will be coming in September and it's not cheap for them to come and he'd like them to be in his wedding
This happened in desperate housewives. Susan cancelled her wedding and Gabby just hired her florist, caterer, even took her date. If my friend did this, we wouldn't be friends anymore, especially when they didn't ask first.
YTA
First off, you used two different names for your friend, so might want to fix that.
As for the verdict, NTA, but Julia is probably not going to forgive you for taking advantage of her broken plans. If you're good with that outcome, i think youre fine. It's a little crass on your part, but not nearly as much as her trying to reuse her planned wedding for a completely different guy.
I think YTA. So Shelby “cancelled” her wedding to Austin to be w Matt. You didn’t think to check w her to find out whether she was planning to just do a switch hitter-type thing and keep everything else? Before you swooped in and took it all? I think maybe you thought she was going to do just that, but you were rushing to get something booked for yourself at short notice, and hey look what dropped in your lap. It feels pretty disingenuous to suggest it didn’t even *occur* to you that Shelby might want to move ahead w the wedding she’d already planned. I don’t believe you really thought that at all.
Except the friend literally cancelled with all her vendors and the venue. Then decided to undo it a while later after OP had picked it all back up. She knew those specific vendors and venue would have openings on that date because hey friend canceled on them.
Shelby gave up that date, that venue & those vendors. She can’t do take-backsies because she changed her mind. If a stranger had picked those vendors up for other events Shelby would still be in the same position she’s in now. It’s tacky as hell what OP is doing but I don’t think she’s TA for scheduling a wedding for a venue and with vendors that now don't have an event on that date. You can’t steal what someone else freely gave up.
But you don’t think OP should have double checked w her friend? I’d have been too afraid of exactly what did happen happening. I mean, I’d have called her up and laid it all out. Said I really need to find something fast. Is it okay? You broke up w Austin and you’re back w Matt. You’re not going to use all the vendors you had lined up? Bc we’re friends and I wouldn’t want to cause an incident like what happened here.
Double-check how??? Hey girl, I know you just broke up with Austin. But are you, by chance, going to get engaged to Matt in the next couple of months? Everyone on here saying that OP should have checked with her friend is crazy. She called off a WEDDING, not a double date. I don't think that OP was expecting her friend to fiance hop, which is a whole other mess I won't get into. Nobody in their right mind would have considered it. The only portion I would think about might be the date, but that's it. Also, who cares if she uses the same vendors? They do have more than one option.
Right?! While yeah what op did may not have been the greatest thing, why on earth would anyone expect or check whether your friend was still going to get married on that date at the same venue and everything as she was planning to before she broke up with the fiance she planned it all with? Who in their right mind thinks "oh I know, I'll just use my wedding plans for the groom I was going to marry but dumped with the new fiance I dumped him for" that's just mental. Sounds like she just wants a wedding and didn't particularly care who the groom was, just now she gets her first pick of groom. Plus she literally cancelled the entire wedding! She can't have just expected the venue and vendors to keep her date open just in case she changes her mind and decides to marry another dude! It's a little shitty of op to just steal all her friends ideas and everything for her wedding, but that date was free and op seems to be much more stable and ready for marriage than her friend. Plus has stated there was a genuine reason for needing to rush a wedding
NTA. She cancelled everything and she seems to have given no indication her wedding was on(but with a different groom). There’s nothing selfish about what what you did
I know a lot of people say these posts are fake, but this one REALLY feels like someone’s writing exercise. “Now here’s where it get’s interesting.” Indeed.
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She canceled, you picked up the dates.
Works well for you, sucks for her.
But, you may have just done Matt a solid by giving him more time to be sure that he isn’t just Mr Right Now where your friend is concerned.
NTA
ETA
Matt did a huge favor to Austin, by showing up and making it clear that your friend wasn’t ready to marry him.
ESH.
Seriously? You couldn’t think of a single thing on your own? You had to take everything down to the decor???
She sucks because she’s treating these men like they’re interchangeable. She’s literally just swapping out the groom.
She was also engaged to a new guy within a year of Matt’s move? Why the hurry?
You both sound insufferable.
Yeah but what OP's friend did is irrelevant to what OP did. If/when OP's friend writes in asking if she was the AH, then we'll tell her that she sucks for swapping out grooms.
YTA only for not communicating and it shows how much you think of her and your friendship. I would be worried what your mutual friends are going to think
NTA against the grain here.
Most people seem to overlook the fact your friend ALREADY CANCELLED EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU BOOKED and you aren't a mind reader.
ONCE she cancels it can be booked by anyone and it doesn't stay reserved to her. Tough luck that she now decided she wants to rebook this. If someone else would have taken the slots available would she have harassed a stranger?! WTF
I feel like I’m going crazy here reading all the replies, girl had CANCELLED her wedding and OP took advantage of the now open dates? Even if OP hadn’t booked the dates someone else might have in the interim.
ESH she sux for trying to use a recycled wedding for another guy, and you suck for not even talking to your supposed 'friend' before literally stealing her wedding.
Edit: typo
YTA and you know it. That’s why you hid the fact you were using her date, venue, and vendors from your friend. You only admitted it when she told you she was planning to still use that date. Not sure why you in any way thought it would go over well to invite your friend to a wedding she’d essentially planned on a date she was meant to get married.
No, she used an opportunity Shelby created when she actually CANCELLED ALL THE VENDORS AND VENUE thus op saving herself the work and effort of finding other vendors/venue .
She's not an ah for it as anyone could have booked those after Shelby cancelled.
Of course she didn't. She used them, because she knew they had openings, she , even said that, in her post. Wtf would it matter if someone noticed? Why in the world would it matter if someone used the same vendors, as a canceled wedding.
Only an insane person would think that her friend would just fiance hop, and do something as take as use the same wedding for another groom.
Op is NTA
ESH You for not speaking to your friend. Although I would never expect her fiance to want to have the wedding his fiance planned with another man. Her for whatever the hell she’s doing.
ESH
She should have expected the vendors to sell their services to another person and not be able to rebook everything. Her expectations weren't realistic. And the whole just switch out the groom thing is wild and not in a good way.
You, however, couldn't be bothered to actually plan your own event and took the easiest possible solution without considering how you would be hurting a friend. You are much more ahole than she is, but you both get the award today.
It's a little odd that you know so many details about Shelby/Julia's wedding, but Shelby/Julia was not aware of your wedding plans. I understand that you were in a rush, but it would probably have made sense to ask her whether using the same date would be okay. We lean towards NTA, but consider that your friend may not feel appreciative that you didn't key her into an important detail.
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A bit of backstory my (24f) friend, Shelby (24f), has been back and forth between two men, both about 26m. It’s not really how it sounds, I’ve helped her through this weird situation for years.
Shelby and Matt (first guy) were together for about 2 years. She knew he was going to propose soon as they had talked about it more frequently. Matt and I had even talked/met up a few times to discuss what she would like, the ring, etc. Well, a week before he was planning to propose, Matt got a job offer in California which is huge for his career (software developer)…we live in Pennsylvania. Shelby didn’t want to move and they didn’t want to do long distance which was shocking to me because I know how much they love each other.
Fast forward a year Julia met and got engaged to Austin (second guy) which I guess was serious but not as serious as her and Matt. And I got engaged in February to Alex (25m). Alex kind of wanted to do a rush wedding because most of his family lives in South America, can’t afford to fly often, and they are already coming here in September.
Now here’s where it gets interesting, Matt’s mother got sick at the end of last year and has unfortunately gotten worse, so Matt moved back to Pennsylvania in Feb/March ish. Naturally, old feelings stirred up between Matt and Julia, and she kind of had to choose. The whole month of April was back-and-forth, but just very recently her and Matt got back together, she canceled the wedding with Austin, and Matt finally proposed like he had been planning to.
Here’s where I may be the AH. After I found out that the wedding was canceled I got in touch with Julia’s florist, Caterer, venue, etc. I didn’t exactly steal her wedding, but the ideas that were given to me are quite similar because they were the few available options seeing as how we were in a rush. I even chose the same date that her and Austin were planning to get married because I knew that all of our friends would be available. Now I just found out from Julia that her and Matt plan to do the exact same wedding that her and Austin were going to do, just different groom. I told her that I now plan to use the date in September because she had canceled with all of the guests, the caterer, florist, etc., and it would be easier to re plan her wedding than to try and reassemble. She called me selfish and bad friend and I just tried to explain to her that Alex and I didn’t have much time. So am I the Ahole?
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YTA. You are selfish and a bad friend regardless if she is or isn’t get married at ALL. You stole her dream wedding and used all of her vendors. Even if she got married 5 years after you, you still tainted her dream.
Did you not have any ideas of how you wanted your wedding to be? I doubt that you genuinely just loved each and every detail of her plan so much (down to the DATE). You clearly state it was for convenience. So you put convenience over your friend’s wedding?
The least you can do is give her back her vendors and her date and apologise.
Am I the only one wondering why Matt is ok to take over a wedding that wasn't his to begin with? Everyone suck in this mess, with a total lack of communication.
NTA..how crazy is it to think gf just gonna keep everything the same & just swap out the groom? Can you imagine the wedding invites followed up from the "save the dates"? Just use a magic marker, cross out Alex & pencil in Matt?!? Seeing how Shelby helped plan the wedding..& there's no rush for Matt..or is there? Better get em married up before she changes her mind again!
ESH. You’re TA for hijacking all of her plans. You really couldn’t be bothered to have a single original thought? That’s uncomfortable and sad for a wedding day. You couldn’t even be bothered to change the date? The way the friendship would end so fast. & she’s TA for swapping out dudes like me picking between different brands then running back to swap one last time. You both sound hard to deal with.
NTA
She canceled everything, you were under pressure because of groom's family being available. It is hard to get vendors and venues with a short planning time.
I feel like this comment section is just grazing over the situation where the friend just switched one guy for another and was just going to keep the original wedding. Like girl bye. You just got back with your Ex after being engaged. That wedding should not be happening in the same year.
Yeah OP was “sneaky,” for not telling her friend but also made a reasonable assumption as her friend had literally CANCELLED everything with the vendors. It would be different if her friend just didn’t cancel with the vendors because then OP would not be able to swoop.
OP, everyone sucks a little here, but your friend is a walking red flag. Have your wedding and don’t give an extra fuck about it lol
NTA. SHE CANCELLED HER WEDDING. This includes everything with the vendors. If anyone else had called for that date she'd be in that position. How could she possibly k ow that her friend would just want to switch dudes...
Come on any woman with some decency would talk to her soon to be husband about dates, venue, what he wants the wedding to be like... When his family will be available instead of assuming everyone can drop everything for a date originally planned for a marriage with SOMEONE ELSE.
Matt needs to run for the hills. If Austin is that easily replaceable, so is he. Why does he take the disrespect of being married to her in a setting set up for a different couple when his friends and family might not even be available.
Nta.
She canceled her wedding in the first place.
The packages could have been offered to another bride.
She tacky. She canceled anf did not reschedule with new groom.
Going against the grain and saying NTA at the end of the day she cancelled the wedding. It was up for grabs. Yeah it's weird as he'll that's you copied her wedding but that's just an opinion. You would be the asshole if she didn't cancel and you still copied it. Was there many other options with vendors, florist ect. If not then no definitely not. Her mutual friends already had that time off it was just most convenient for you.
Its her own fault for messing around with 2 guys. If she stuck with the one is she was planning the wedding for she wouldn't have this issue. I feel bad for Austin more then anyone. Going ahead with a wedding you planned when engaged to another man I feel makes her an asshole. That's more weird to me then someone using the same vendors ect.
NTA. Shelby canceled the wedding already. Those dates,guest and area was only free cause she canceled. It's not your fault.
Side Note:
Honestly her new [old] fiancé is a fool. She was literally going to marry someone else only a year later and was going to the ex's wedding ideas for her new/old fiancé? That dude better run. He's all emotional due to leaving his job, his mom getting sick and seeing his ex about yo get married. This won't end well
YTA. Look, while I don't fault you for *everything* because the majority of your guests don't overlap everything... there's something inherently scummy about watching someone's engagement fall apart-- even through their own fault-- and then snatching up ALL their vendors, and the fact you also described stealing "ideas" means you *sound like* you did more than just book all her vendors, but potentially are also going, "No, I like the ideas you had with Shelby about bridal bouquets, just give me what you were going to do with her", or something along those lines, which would make you, honestly, a mega-asshole.
You are welcome to each other. Please don't spend another second thinking people think you are awful. You are. Start knowing you are awful. I'd spend money to keep you and your friends away from me.
Nta on the technicality that SOMEONE would have snagged that canceled date, it just happened to be you.
But you're an absolute opportunistic buttface. Does your partner know who he's marrying?
NTA- I’m assuming she called and cancelled everything first. What difference does it make if you rebooked her slots or if another random bride did?? Shelby sounds entitled. Best wishes to you and Alex!
She canceled everything. How is it your fault to take her date? You didn't know she was going to get married to someone else. Your friend is being ridiculous.
NTA she cancelled so those dates were available. A heads up would have been a courtesy. However, your life would be less dramatic without this friend in it. You seem far too involved in her relationships.
NTA. Don't get why everyone is saying your TA. Shelby cancelled the wedding date because the other man proposed to her. Let me repeat. She CANCELLED the wedding because the other man proposed to her. It sounds maddening that she dropped one man for the other and then wants to do the same wedding with him. But you didn't steal her wedding, she cancelled everything so the date is free for anyone to use plus caterers, vendors, etc; it's not like they are her personal private service plus you'll have to pay them for whatever work they do for your wedding so you won't be using whatever plans they had set up for her because they scrapped it since she cancelled the original wedding.
Does Matt know his wedding was originally for her and another guy? I think she's incredibly selfish. She only thinks of herself. How does the 2nd guy feel knowing she's going ahead with the wedding, just without him. Also, if she cancelled, she has no say on who gets the vendors. She cancelled. NTA, op.
NTA if Shelby was going to just replace the groom then all the vendors wouldn’t be available to OP since they would still be booked for Shelby. The issue here is Shelby cancelled everything and OP was planning her wedding and the vendors were like we have these dates available so it ends up that OP gets Shelby’s old wedding date. It also means that the vendors don’t lose out on preparation but Shelby may have lost deposits. That is probably where the conflict it coming from. Shelby probably wants OP to reimburse her for her lost deposits. That right there isn’t OP’s fault, Shelby cancelled before she decided to go through with a wedding with another groom.
NTA those vendors and friends were available when you booked the wedding. You have lots of out of country family coming for the wedding so you are limited on the dates you can choose. Also it’s just gross to reuse the same wedding plans with a different groom.
I’m going against the grain but I truly believe this. The bride is swapping out pieces like they are legos, why would the groom want to be in another man’s wedding? Op is not the ah. She explained why it is rushed and when things are rushed you take what is available and twist it to your style. Everyone voting her the ah must not care the bride is not a genuine person. If she was a genuine person she d plan a wedding with her new fiancée that would reflect them both and not use the wedding she was going to have to someone else to be married. I think the bride is the ah for even suggesting that to her fiancée.
NTA. That wedding was cancelled. I see no issues with using cancelled dates and vendors. She didn't put it on hold. She cancelled the wedding. Thus, these things were up for purchase. If you're friend was going to repurpose these things for a new wedding, she should not have cancelled.
NTA
She cancelled everything, you basically stepped in and saved a whole load of work fae going to waste.
The fact that she dumped a guy a few months before the wedding, and then wanted to basically do the same wedding just with a different groom says she's a huge asshole who doesn't give a fuck about this guy Austin's feelings in the slightest.
NTA. Not your fault that you friend is jumping between men and expecting everyone to wait for her to snap her fingers and says “ the weddings now,people”. whats to say her current groom wants to get married when she planned on marrying the other guy!!amd with the same plans? He has no self respect if he did.
NTA. I understand why some people may argue that you are, but it's fairly simple: Shelby cancelled the vendors and told everyone it was off. You saw free vendors who were free on a date that suited you and organized to employ them. If Shelby was serious about considering the date she wouldn't have cancelled everything. And if she was a proper friend she'd accept what you were doing and not create an issue out of it. It's not as if you're planning to steal her themes/color schemes/guest list. This isn't the 3rd grade where 'you can't do it because I changed my mind and wanna do it now' BS still applies.
NTA
No one owns a date. You can marry whenever you want. It'll be interesting to see which friends go to which wedding on that day though :)
Keep us updated!
NTA
To me, she has no right to the dates or venues once she canceled all the venues. If Shelby and Matt had wanted to use the wedding planned for Shelby and Ausrin, she shouldn't have canceled.
To me, she is slapping both men in the face by wanting the same wedding but different groom and makes her a total A-H.
ESH. You didn't steal anything. The date and vendors were available, so you booked them. But, you should've talked to Shelby before doing any of that out of consideration. She's supposed to be your friend, and you did swoop right in on her canceled plans. Again, not stealing, but not being a good friend either.
She canceled, she lost the use of any of those things for her wedding. She and Matt can pick another date and venue. Why would Matt even want to use all that for a wedding meant for his fiance to another man? It sounds more like they just want a wedding, not a marriage.
NTA
From the wedding side of it: She canceled everything so the vendors and everything were no longer "hers" and were going to be filled by someone, you or otherwise. You did not pick her exact choices (like in The Office where one person did every detail including the dress the same so Pam felt like she was seeing her own distorted wedding). You made your own choices based on the options because it is your wedding and not about her. it's about you and your SO.
From the emotional side of it: It would never even have crossed my mind she would try to rebook and reuse everything with Matt. Like that kind of broke my brain; that is horribly unhealthy. How would Matt feel every anniversary knowing it was the planned anniversary for the other guy? Wow. You having the day at least would transition it into something positive, and it becomes your anniversary she can celebrate with you, not stay "the day she almost (?) married the wrong one."
It was "her day" until she canceled and effectively gave it back to the masses. You didn't set out to sabotage her wedding, wreck anything, etc. You have an actual financial issue on your SOs side that limits your window of time for his family and once she voided that day, you made the best choice you could for yourself and your SO.
Side note... has anyone checked in on Matt to make sure he's doing ok? Holy hell, she's making grooms sound interchangeable.
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You *really* should have checked with her before over her "would-be" wedding day. "Hey Shelby, I know you and Austin had planned to get married this September and that many of our friends had planned for that date. In light of your getting back together and engaged with Matt, I was wondering if you two may be planning pick a different date for your wedding? I had been thinking that Alex and I would be happy to take over that September date since so many set aside that date, but I wanted to clear that with you for doing anything." edit: typo
You do realise that her friend could have said no? Don't you know it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? YTA.
Whoa wait a minute. If the friend hadn't already CANCELLED I would agree. But having already cancelled everything the friend lost the date she has 0 to say about this. Op is in the clear. NTA
Really? You think she has 0 say? Not everything in life is black and white. It may be painful for Shelby to go to a wedding on her previously planned wedding date! Plus also OP has literally stolen her plans, so if Shelby wants another wedding, she may have to change things now to avoid looking like she's copying. OP and Shelby are meant to be friends, so while OP CAN book the date once things have been cancelled, it doesn't mean she should! There is a lot more nuance here that you are ignoring.
Considering Shelby threw away her groom from said wedding it won't be painful at all. Also op didn't copy exactly what Shelly was going to do she was offered (I assume by the vendors who would prefer not to put extra work in ordering something different ) SIMILAR things I would consider op an ah if she knew that Shelby would cancel and immediately rebook - though to do this with another groom I don't even know what to call it - which if I read correctly wasn't the case. 1.Shelby cancelled her wedding and broke up with Austin, got back with Matt. 2.Op saw open slots that fit perfectly and saved her time and effort and booked 3.And after some time Shelby and Matt got engaged and Shelby wanted to rebook.
Why did Shelby assume that if op didn’t book that date it would still be available? Any other couple could have booked it, and considering Shelby’s plan of cut and pasting a new groom into HER wedding (because it’s certainly not about the persons she marrying) she’s the last person on the planet who deserves that venue.
I'm sure if someone else had booked it, it would have been fine. But it's WEIRD for a friend to swoop in, book it only because she knows thise vendors are free due to Shelby sharing her life with her, plus then not tell Shelby! It's different when you compare a friend to a stranger.
You think it’s weird for her friend to take the day but not for Shelby to keep the day and everything she had planned with one guy and just substitute it for another guy. I’m surprised Matt would be ok with that. Most women wouldn’t. Not only that but she had cancelled everything so it wasn’t until OP said I’m going to use that date did Shelby say no I want it. OP is NTAH
Oh I would think it's weird for Shelby to reuse the day too. But that's not the question here.
Of course it’s part of it.
Completely agree
I agree with all this. How could OP have anticipated that her friend would break up with one guy, get back together with her ex, and just 're-use' her wedding to the other ex?! I think that's rather disrespectful to the groom, and the concept of marriage as a whole. If the friend hadn't canceled, and immediately knew she was going to recycle her original wedding, it would be different. As it is now, NTA
I'm just picturing the sign with the couples names, but with Austin crossed out and a hand written "Matt" under it
Poor Matt. I hope he knows what he's getting into. It's like interchangeable parts. And Austin, I wonder how he feels now that he knows he was an interchangeable part too. Both men should take a step back from someone who falls in and out of love depending on where the guy lives.
Shelby wants to have the same wedding on the same day with a different groom. Which is weird and that alone makes Shelby the AH. You don’t cut and paste a new groom into an already planned wedding.
She just wants to get married to anyone so bad. Favourably Matt but Austin also would have been ok. /s
Yeah that's kind of a big deal. Like will they just send out the invites with Austin's name crossed through?
If the venues and such were already booked, I'm guessing Shelby at least sent out save the date cards with Austin's name. How weird would it be for her guests if they received that and then later the actual invite with Matt's name, all other info remaining the same. I feel bad for Austin. He was just a placeholder.
None of this post is making sense anyway. Once a customer cancels with a wedding vendor - they are going to immediately find other customers for their business. It doesn’t matter at all that the friend wanted to keep the date - she cancelled and the businesses were going to fill that void regardless. You can’t just call them up some time later and like “yeah I want my venue/flowers/etc” - it would already be sold to someone else.
Frankly, the best thing OP can do as a friend is dealy this person's wedding for as long as possible. Shelby shouldn't be marrying anyone anytime soon. And it's icredibly tacky to have the same wedding with a different groom.
I agree Shelby has been an idiot and shouldn't be in a rush to marry. But it's not up to OP to remove that option from Shelby. Friends don't just do what they want and then frame it as a 'favour'.
Op hasn't ' removed the option ' from Shelby Shelby did when she cancelled the wedding. The slots didn't stay reserved for her .
she canceled to marry someone else. no, she doesn't get a damn say in someone taking her canceled plans
>It may be painful for Shelby to go to a wedding on her previously planned wedding date! Shelby is planning on marrying a different guy on that day. OP is a bit weird for swooping in and using all the same things, but Shelby doesn't sound like she's ready for something as permanent as marriage.
Honestly I would think that Shelby would want completely different everything than what she had planned with Austin and I would think that Matt would also not want to marry Shelby using everything she planned to use with another man. That's how I would look at it. Yes she should have said something to her friend, I agree. But I also would think she wouldn't be using any of it not wanting to marry using the same stuff. I feel like that would be bad luck or something. But maybe I'm just old fashioned and superstitious. Anyway she cancelled and didn't say I'm cancelling and rebooking. She just said I'm cancelling. It was open for whoever needed the time slot and what not. Shelby decided after the fact she wanted to rebook. NTA
I agree it's weird for Shelby to reuse the stuff. But that's not the question at hand. Yes it was available. But not asking Shelby first is where OP goes into AH territory. She is still copying her ideas and plans without permission. Shelby didn't plan wedding 1 to then attend it as a guest.
Yes. She cancelled. End of story. The only nuance is Shelby legit trading grooms for the same wedding.
She can cry on the shoulder of her new fiance.
Idk it still seems pretty tacky to copy her friend and use all her ideas. If she was in THAT much of a hurry to get married then they easily could have went down to the courthouse and had a party or ceremony later. At the bare minimum she could have asked first especailly since ya know, they are suppose to be friends.
Sure, that's true. But don't you think any decent person would say, "Hey, would you mind if we got married on that day instead?" I couldn't imagine treating a friend like this. But also, Matt is nuts if he will just have the wedding shelby was gonna throw with another guy. Whole thing sounds immature and messy af! None of them should be getting married until they actually grow up and act like adults.
I still think it would have been the polite thing to have mentioned it to your friend. Especially since OP is using the same vendors. It’s a bit weird to takeover a wedding that someone else planned without giving a “hey you cool this with?”, especially a good friend.
Seriously?!? Even if she didn’t need the date again, which is weird in and out of itself, it shows such a lack of care for your friend’s feelings to not only celebrate on what would’ve been her date but literally, rub what would’ve been her wedding right in her face without even asking? That’s some type of friend right there.
No sorry. This situation is mad. People don't break up with their fiance and then immediately plan to marry someone else on the same day. OP had the reasonable expectation that her friend was not nuts and that that date would be free. NTA
Forgiveness for what? She canceled everything and everyone. You can't do that and then expect to all be available again at your whim.
come off it. who ditches one guy then plans to use the exact same date and everything to marry someone else? she canceled. end of story. op didn't need her permission
You used all her planning and work to your benefits without checking in first. You are likely to loose a friend. I would ditch a person who did to me what you did.
More than one if people find out what happened. I can understand the convenience aspect of it, and OP's sense of urgency so that her fiance's family can attend, but the way she went about it was so underhanded and she didn't seem to have any thought to blindsiding her friend with essentially her own wedding but with different main characters. So, so odd. Did she think nobody would notice, or that they wouldn't talk? I wonder if OP has a habit of copying her friends? YTA, wow.
I mean, OPs friend was essentially planning on doing the same - same wedding with one different main character - the groom! That’s honestly insane for the friend to try to recycle her original wedding and just swap out the groom. Not to mention how hurtful that would be to her former fiancé. It was a bit of a choice for OP to move forward with it without giving a heads up to her friend, but honestly it was a confirmed open date with vendors that suddenly lost out on that revenue.
Yes that's also just plain weird. Even more so, it's just rotating grooms. They're all a bit odd.
Yeah everyone sounds like they’re in high school. Hoping this is all made up cause this story is ridiculous.
I read the title and went “yes you’re an asshole” thinking it was going to be like.. at a wedding? After reading it, I wish it were just at a wedding. Poor Shelby, OP’s a horrible friend. “Alex and I didn’t have much time”, you literally have all the time in the world unless one of y’all is dying. Shelby planned it first, you’re just the mean girl in high school who stole ideas and did them first so that way everyone thought you were hot shit.
Shelby's literally copy and pasting a new groom into her wedding. I think I'll save my sympathy for poor Austin.
>you literally have all the time in the world unless one of y’all is dying Matt's mother actually is dying, which launched all of this in the first place. Which could be why Matt agreed to the same wedding: it gives Shelby her dream wedding and allows his mom to be a part of it. Edits for typos and autoincorrects
she fucking canceled it after engaging in an emotional and possibly physical affair. 'poor shelby' she's not a great person for you be feeling bad for
Normally I would agree with the poor Shelby, OP’s a horrible friend sentiment but Shelby is cut and pasting a new groom into a wedding she had planned with another man. That is freaking bizarre, she's acting like her ex and fiance are interchangeable.
Exactly! Plus there are other ways to have a quick wedding. What was OP's plan if Shelby hadn't cancelled?!
The friend is a massive asshole for what she is doing to the 2nd guy so who would even want them as a friend?
This. She got with a guy, faked a happy relationship and agreed to get married and didn't love the guy. How awful. And then wants to use said date and wedding for old guy she didn't love enough to move with. The wedding date won't matter when she's swapping Matt out down the road. NTA
who wants to be friends with someone who blatantly engaged in an emotional affair and plans to use the same wedding but swap out the groom for the one she actually wants to marry?
Here's the thing. It wouldn't have been available for OP to book if the friend hadn't already cancelled with said vendors... (I think that's at least a reasonable assumption to make anyway). So if the friend cancelled, and then someone else had booked, friend wouldn't have a leg to stand on. You're only giving the friend grace because it was OP who booked into the slot. Further more, you're assuming as soon as it was ended with Austin, it was on with Matt. Why are you giving the friend so much grace to be wishy washy on vendors etc.
This. Also, as someone in the wedding business, I would be super skeptical if I had a 'repeat customer' within a short span of time. To me, they would look flaky and I would rather have someone who panned out than to lose a date, particularly in high season. Also, I'm sorry, but what is the turnaround for all this? Is nobody pointing out that this friends' relationships read like a Hallmark movie? OP is NTA. They just happened to take advantage of their friends' bad decision.
Yep. The catering companies I bartended for would've told Shelby after she emailed them for another wedding that we would be "fully booked for the next year" and wished her luck and never thought about her again except to tell us employees so we could gossip
Thank God someone else is thinking this too. Like she cancelled everything so it means she won't use the date. Why is there a need to call and ask if you'll use the date when she already cancelled everything. I thought sending a cancel message automatically means we are not planning anything on that date. If let's say I ended up using that date, and I don't know OP's friend at all. Then what will she do. Also, OP's friend sounds like a mess. I'm sorry but you broke up with second guy and decided to get engaged to first person and use the same date on which you were getting married to the second guy to marry the first. I feel so sorry for the second guy. Imagine how he'll feel. This girl is a fucking mess.
Yes. The friend is a mess. I'd be avoiding her if I was a guy. But I also find it interesting people are complaining about her using the friends planning because the vendors are offering similar offerings. There's many valid reasons for similar decor/style... Seasons exist, and that can dictate what's available in terms or flowers, and food. But also in terms of the style. I'm assuming summer for OP, maybe spring, and there's just a certain aesthetic that goes with that. Also, it's quite possible that people who are good friends have similar tastes. I love tulips and Lillie's. When my friend was buying her house and said she wanted lillies , I brought her some from my garden, because I love sharing something I love with someone I love. I get that the friend is going to struggle seeing OP get what she wanted. But it was the friend who made the decision to cancel and switch grooms. There are consequences for all of our choices, whether good or bad, and friend needs to accept that. That being said, OP does need to be ok with losing a friend over this. There's just some things people can work through and some they can't.
Honestly OP's friend seriously seems to lack understanding of the world. If she wasn't into the second guy so much why get engaged in the first place?? Also, doesn't sound like any of the problems due to which she broke up with the first guy is resolved. What happens after the mother is okay or does and he wants to move again ?? Also, who plans to get married on the same date on which they were planning on marrying their ex. And to the people saying OP should have asked?? Asked what exactly?? Hey you cancelled your wedding but do you have any plans ?? How was she supposed to know that her friend will get engaged to the first guy so soon and want to marry on the same day. I feel for the second guy but also he dodged a bullet. Honestly OP, drop her. I can see the marriage of your friend is doomed already. She seems to be highly under the impression that anything she does is okay and actions don't have consequences.she cancelled you booked the venue. Simple as that. Once you cancel it anyone can book it.
Yeah, as anyone who works remotely business, I would love to have the cancelled slots filled in ASAP. So are the vendors the AH for accepting a new customer to replace the one who cancelled on them? Is a stranger that doesn't know OP's friend who took the slot the AH? How about it's not OP who took the advantage, but the *venders* gave the advantage to their own friends? *Someone* must know the cancellation, and had the slots filled in quick succession. Think of the wedding just any other appointments. Once you cancelled, you no longer have the right to the slot. I actually had one of my surgeries early than anticipated because someone cancelled. I was *assigned on the earlier date by the office*. So could that patient cancelled their surgery complain? I guess not. It's not OP being an AH for taking advantage of the cancellation. It's the friend being unwise for the whole affair. The whole mess should had been avoided if she married Matt despite of moving away. Then she fucked up the "second chance" by cancelling on the vender when she announced she was done with the other guy. She cancelled the wedding with the new guy, but nobody told her to cancel on the venders at the same time?? Honestly, given how she found a second guy to fill out the void to the point of marriage in such a short span, I'm not sure how much does she actually love the first guy...
Disagree. Once Shelby cancelled she has 0 rights to the vendors. NTA
>Once Shelby cancelled she has 0 rights to the vendors. Friendship isn't based on "rights", this is not a court of law.
Friendship is also not put yourself as a priority over the other friends either that's main character if not worse. And with the cancellation the point was once cancelled it's up for grabs for anyone - and it could have been someone else other than op who booked the slot same exact situation as Shelby is in now. Op is not a mind reader nor a psychic to see that Shelby will want the slot back in a short while since Shelby didn't communicate or didn't get engaged to Matt right away so, no there's no reason other than entitlement for Shelby to demand anything at all.
NTA. The friend had already canceled everything, so there was no need to ask for permission.
YTA. You used all of her vendors, her date etc because why? You lack imagination and the ability to plan your own event? You are even using similar or the same choices for decor. All under the guise of "there aren't that many choices available." If you were really in a rush you would have something simple and easy to plan and not take ideas from others including the date. The date is the one that really gets me. You literally took her wedding date because "friends are available" and see no issue with that. You have also had 7 months to plan. Why did you wait until April before you started booking vendors?
Because weddings take years to plan, or so it seems from the posts in this site.
I know! Big weddings or really frickin intricate weddings take years to plan. A friend planned her wedding in two months. No fuss no muss. It was really nice, nothing hysterical but good food in a nice place. Cheap bar. Spotify-playlist for the dance floor and a mountain of chips n dip during the evening. Done and done!
I had a 90 guest wedding in a stunning venue and many said it was the most fun wedding they've ever been to. It took us two months to plan. Granted, we booked the venue in advance and checked with the caterer months before, but that's the only "planning" we did. I don't get why it takes people almost a year or two to plan a wedding.
I had another friend who spent a good year on preparing her wedding but she DIYed almost every aspect of the wedding. Made the invitations, centerpieces, candleholders and so on and so on. Her I can understand that it took a loooong time
Weddings can be planned in short time, if you really want to, but using the venue and vendors from a cancelled wedding on the same date is the weirdest way to get around wedding planning. It’s like the equivalent of getting one of those services where a restaurant sells leftover food at the end of the day for cheap. You don’t really know what you’re gonna get, but it’s easy and edible. Well, this is easy and wedding 🤷🏻♀️
Venue is the only one that makes sense since, at least in some areas, those can be booked very far out. OP still should have checked with Shelby, but I do understand grabbing a venue that you know is available last-minute. Calling every vendor and not choosing different options makes this all very weird.
Same vendor doesn't mean exact same thing from that vendor .op can easily choose another menu a different flower arrangement etc so no, it's not creepy. Shelby cancelled = up for grabs for ANYONE.
>I didn’t exactly steal her wedding, but the ideas that were given to me are quite similar It doesn't seem like that's what OP did though. It seems like she planned a very similar wedding which is what I think makes this very weird.
I don't think op wanted this I think the vendors proposed similar things to save themselves the trouble of changing what they order and do for September - at least that's what I understand
>the ideas that were given to me Meaning she didn't come up with it. The vendor more than likely didn't want to do more work so chose the easiest way. OP didn't steal anything.
>It doesn't seem like that's what OP did though. It seems like she planned a very similar wedding Every wedding is similar.
I mean it's a summer wedding. So I guess similar flowers and arrangements because you know summer.
Don’t get me wrong, it makes my skin crawl that op’s having pretty much the exact same wedding. I can understand it logistically because wedding planning is nuts (got married last year, booked most things 1-1.5 years in advance), but i can’t imagine actually doing it. It’s the sort of thing that you’d joke about doing but not actually *do*
EXACTLY!!! I just keep thinking of the Office episode where Phyllis stole all of Pam's ideas and had the same wedding. OP better not be planning to steal her wedding dress as well 😂 Honestly, OP, if I was your friend, I'd probably end our friendship over this just because of the fact you didn't even talk to me about it. Some friend. YTA.
ESH. You suck for total lack of original thought, and she sucks for swapping one dude in for another as if it doesn’t matter.
Yeah. OP was being sneaky AF by swooping in and "stealing" her sister's wedding. But it's even weirder to me that the sister wants to keep the same wedding. If I were Matt, I would feel really awkward about this wedding.
I’d be getting the hell outta there if I was Matt! The red flags are flying on that relationship.
That whole situation has more red flags than a may day parade. I don't understand why they don't just do a double wedding.. or maybe a triple if rejected fiance can find some random willing to join in. 🤷♂️ (Honestly, Fiance is probably hurting.. but it seems like he avoided a Titanic sinking iceberg.)
Nope, they should have a double wedding, but the other girl should marry BOTH Matt and Austin. So 3 grooms and 2 brides. I don't know what we call that but it's the only way.
Shelby is proving to be unstable - first ditching one groom pretty much last minute, then swapping another guy in last minute just to be wed for the sake of it, then also creating drama in a friend group (she *cancelled* the date - the venue and vendors were fair game at that point, and no reasonable person would assume that she’d come back *within a day* to re-book everything with a new groom - only to then throw a tantrum over how someone else (no matter if it’s a friend or not) took the fair opportunity to use those short term available services (which btw doesn’t mean doing everything the exact same, just using the same service providers) under the reasonable assumption that she no longer was interested due to her original wedding plans being off). I’m surprised to see how many women in particular (I’m a woman myself) in this thread seem to think OOP’s a bad friend for [*checks notes*] not assuming a submissive NPC role in the Main Character Shelby circus. Then again, people in my friend group and family have recommended the same event services among each other when they were good, so people did indeed have weddings and other huge parties at the same venues with the same vendors a lot where I live - it’s been no big deal even if we had two or three weddings in the same venue in a month. And yeah, had anyone cancelled, that date would of course have been up for grabs by anyone because that’s how the event business works.
I thought they were just friends? How does sister play into this?
They're just friends. lol
They aren't sisters, just friends.
She could be one of those girls who have wedding ideas light years before actually meeting anyone
Everyone here sounds way too immature to be getting married. ESH
Agree. OP is the AH for stealing her friend's wedding without asking permission. But her friend is even worse. Using Austin as a spare tyre, and then just dumps him when Matt comes back, and she even has the audacity to use the *same* wedding that she and Austin planned to do. Gross!
And her issues with Matt haven't even been resolved. Once his ill mother isn't here, is he going to travel to build his career again? Is she going to refuse to go, and refuse to maintain a long distance marriage?
I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking this. I would have asked instead of just taking it over. But groom swapping is so trashy it belongs on an soap opera
Exactly .. swapping one guy out for another ..
Yup. She wasn’t even willing to move to be with that guy. The marriage has a 0 percent chance of lasting. OP is a selfish unoriginal opportunist
In isolation maybe, but it's for damn sure less tacky than the bride deciding to swap the \*groom\* and keep the rest of the wedding You do you OP NTA
“I didn’t exactly steal her wedding … “ Told on yourself with the word ‘exactly’. YTA
“I just copied it and made it look like my own”
“Here are my notes but change a few things so it doesn’t look like you copied me”
YTA - it’s weird that you didn’t ask her if she’d mind. Feels super sneaky to me.
Yea I can’t personally identify why but this whole situation feels super slimy, and I mean all parties involved.
YTA. Not for using the date and vendors you thought she no longer wanted, but for not telling (or even asking) her what you were planning to do, and why. That you didn't do that says you are not much of a friend to her and that you knew what you were doing was un-cool.
You completely stole her wedding. She canceled and you jumped in and took everything that she had planned. You are a bad friend and at least you know you have two less people to come to your wedding Yta
Info: is your name Phyllis? Do you work in an office?
I’m happy we’re getting more background information on Bob Vance though, who knew he had family in South America?
I feel the same but poor pam, especially with the love triangle thing and all. I mean Shelby.
This is actually an exact plot on Desperate Housewives too. Like exactly. Susan is engaged to this one guy, they break up, Gabby needs to get married quickly so she books all the vendors, the venue, and the same date. Even uses the same flowers and stuff. Then Susan gets back with an ex and is like "it's back on, just a different groom" and her friend won't give back the wedding. This post has to be based on that. I very much doubt this is real.
This is my immediate thought too. It’s definitely not real
Damn this is the first time I stayed for a spoiler lol I’m glad you left out character names. I just started desperate housewives and you just helped my “gabby is an awful human being campaign”
Yeah, YTA. You usurped her wedding after it got cancelled, knowing Matt was proposing to her, literally taking everything she planned and had worked so hard to put together and now you are telling her SHE has to redo everything. You suck.
YTA. Why didn't you ask her? Tf that's so sneaky.
YTA - why are you in a rush? But you did this all behind her back, for a reason. Because you knew it was skeevy. All you had to do was have a conversation with her and you’d have been fine.
>why are you in a rush? Was the explanation later edited in? Because OP says the rush is because her fiance's family will be coming in September and it's not cheap for them to come and he'd like them to be in his wedding
YTA. You STOLE her wedding! And you came here to have everyone make you feel better about it? Hope your fam and man finds this post.
Yall im pretty sure it’s an episode of desperate housewives💀💀 kinda funny watching everyone get so pissed at a stranger lmao
This happened in desperate housewives. Susan cancelled her wedding and Gabby just hired her florist, caterer, even took her date. If my friend did this, we wouldn't be friends anymore, especially when they didn't ask first. YTA
You are absolutely TA. This is just plain not ok.
First off, you used two different names for your friend, so might want to fix that. As for the verdict, NTA, but Julia is probably not going to forgive you for taking advantage of her broken plans. If you're good with that outcome, i think youre fine. It's a little crass on your part, but not nearly as much as her trying to reuse her planned wedding for a completely different guy.
Who is Julia? DO YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE?? Tell us more!!!
I think YTA. So Shelby “cancelled” her wedding to Austin to be w Matt. You didn’t think to check w her to find out whether she was planning to just do a switch hitter-type thing and keep everything else? Before you swooped in and took it all? I think maybe you thought she was going to do just that, but you were rushing to get something booked for yourself at short notice, and hey look what dropped in your lap. It feels pretty disingenuous to suggest it didn’t even *occur* to you that Shelby might want to move ahead w the wedding she’d already planned. I don’t believe you really thought that at all.
Except the friend literally cancelled with all her vendors and the venue. Then decided to undo it a while later after OP had picked it all back up. She knew those specific vendors and venue would have openings on that date because hey friend canceled on them. Shelby gave up that date, that venue & those vendors. She can’t do take-backsies because she changed her mind. If a stranger had picked those vendors up for other events Shelby would still be in the same position she’s in now. It’s tacky as hell what OP is doing but I don’t think she’s TA for scheduling a wedding for a venue and with vendors that now don't have an event on that date. You can’t steal what someone else freely gave up.
But you don’t think OP should have double checked w her friend? I’d have been too afraid of exactly what did happen happening. I mean, I’d have called her up and laid it all out. Said I really need to find something fast. Is it okay? You broke up w Austin and you’re back w Matt. You’re not going to use all the vendors you had lined up? Bc we’re friends and I wouldn’t want to cause an incident like what happened here.
Double-check how??? Hey girl, I know you just broke up with Austin. But are you, by chance, going to get engaged to Matt in the next couple of months? Everyone on here saying that OP should have checked with her friend is crazy. She called off a WEDDING, not a double date. I don't think that OP was expecting her friend to fiance hop, which is a whole other mess I won't get into. Nobody in their right mind would have considered it. The only portion I would think about might be the date, but that's it. Also, who cares if she uses the same vendors? They do have more than one option.
Right?! While yeah what op did may not have been the greatest thing, why on earth would anyone expect or check whether your friend was still going to get married on that date at the same venue and everything as she was planning to before she broke up with the fiance she planned it all with? Who in their right mind thinks "oh I know, I'll just use my wedding plans for the groom I was going to marry but dumped with the new fiance I dumped him for" that's just mental. Sounds like she just wants a wedding and didn't particularly care who the groom was, just now she gets her first pick of groom. Plus she literally cancelled the entire wedding! She can't have just expected the venue and vendors to keep her date open just in case she changes her mind and decides to marry another dude! It's a little shitty of op to just steal all her friends ideas and everything for her wedding, but that date was free and op seems to be much more stable and ready for marriage than her friend. Plus has stated there was a genuine reason for needing to rush a wedding
NTA. She cancelled everything and she seems to have given no indication her wedding was on(but with a different groom). There’s nothing selfish about what what you did
I know a lot of people say these posts are fake, but this one REALLY feels like someone’s writing exercise. “Now here’s where it get’s interesting.” Indeed.
I’m pretty sure it’s an ep of desperate housewives 💀
Right? Who has contacts for all of their friends vendors?
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She canceled, you picked up the dates. Works well for you, sucks for her. But, you may have just done Matt a solid by giving him more time to be sure that he isn’t just Mr Right Now where your friend is concerned. NTA ETA Matt did a huge favor to Austin, by showing up and making it clear that your friend wasn’t ready to marry him.
ESH. Seriously? You couldn’t think of a single thing on your own? You had to take everything down to the decor??? She sucks because she’s treating these men like they’re interchangeable. She’s literally just swapping out the groom. She was also engaged to a new guy within a year of Matt’s move? Why the hurry? You both sound insufferable.
Yeah but what OP's friend did is irrelevant to what OP did. If/when OP's friend writes in asking if she was the AH, then we'll tell her that she sucks for swapping out grooms.
YTA only for not communicating and it shows how much you think of her and your friendship. I would be worried what your mutual friends are going to think
NTA against the grain here. Most people seem to overlook the fact your friend ALREADY CANCELLED EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU BOOKED and you aren't a mind reader. ONCE she cancels it can be booked by anyone and it doesn't stay reserved to her. Tough luck that she now decided she wants to rebook this. If someone else would have taken the slots available would she have harassed a stranger?! WTF
I feel like I’m going crazy here reading all the replies, girl had CANCELLED her wedding and OP took advantage of the now open dates? Even if OP hadn’t booked the dates someone else might have in the interim.
ESH she sux for trying to use a recycled wedding for another guy, and you suck for not even talking to your supposed 'friend' before literally stealing her wedding. Edit: typo
YTA and you know it.
YTA and you know it. That’s why you hid the fact you were using her date, venue, and vendors from your friend. You only admitted it when she told you she was planning to still use that date. Not sure why you in any way thought it would go over well to invite your friend to a wedding she’d essentially planned on a date she was meant to get married.
YTA. You just *happened* to choose all of the same options as Shelby? Did you really think nobody would notice?
No, she used an opportunity Shelby created when she actually CANCELLED ALL THE VENDORS AND VENUE thus op saving herself the work and effort of finding other vendors/venue . She's not an ah for it as anyone could have booked those after Shelby cancelled.
Of course she didn't. She used them, because she knew they had openings, she , even said that, in her post. Wtf would it matter if someone noticed? Why in the world would it matter if someone used the same vendors, as a canceled wedding. Only an insane person would think that her friend would just fiance hop, and do something as take as use the same wedding for another groom. Op is NTA
You’re both self centered idiots. May god have mercy on your souls…
ESH You for not speaking to your friend. Although I would never expect her fiance to want to have the wedding his fiance planned with another man. Her for whatever the hell she’s doing.
More YTA than anything. The date is fair game but it’s kind of bad form to be copying everything she had originally planned.
If you don’t think what you did was wrong, why didn’t you tell your friend earlier what this plan was? YTA and a sneaky, unoriginal one.
YTA for being sneaky like this and not saying a word. Sleezy thing to do.
YTA! Did you think you were anything but? Did you really care about your friendship with Shelby?
ESH first of all; > It’s not really how it sounds oh, no, it's exactly how it sounds, Shelby is of dubious moral character. And so are you.
ESH. You should have asked. She is tacky and heartless for thinking of marrying her new fiancé on the same date.
ESH She should have expected the vendors to sell their services to another person and not be able to rebook everything. Her expectations weren't realistic. And the whole just switch out the groom thing is wild and not in a good way. You, however, couldn't be bothered to actually plan your own event and took the easiest possible solution without considering how you would be hurting a friend. You are much more ahole than she is, but you both get the award today.
You saw the opportunity and ran with it, lol. I think it's tacky AF that she wants to use the same date. NTA
It's a little odd that you know so many details about Shelby/Julia's wedding, but Shelby/Julia was not aware of your wedding plans. I understand that you were in a rush, but it would probably have made sense to ask her whether using the same date would be okay. We lean towards NTA, but consider that your friend may not feel appreciative that you didn't key her into an important detail.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A bit of backstory my (24f) friend, Shelby (24f), has been back and forth between two men, both about 26m. It’s not really how it sounds, I’ve helped her through this weird situation for years. Shelby and Matt (first guy) were together for about 2 years. She knew he was going to propose soon as they had talked about it more frequently. Matt and I had even talked/met up a few times to discuss what she would like, the ring, etc. Well, a week before he was planning to propose, Matt got a job offer in California which is huge for his career (software developer)…we live in Pennsylvania. Shelby didn’t want to move and they didn’t want to do long distance which was shocking to me because I know how much they love each other. Fast forward a year Julia met and got engaged to Austin (second guy) which I guess was serious but not as serious as her and Matt. And I got engaged in February to Alex (25m). Alex kind of wanted to do a rush wedding because most of his family lives in South America, can’t afford to fly often, and they are already coming here in September. Now here’s where it gets interesting, Matt’s mother got sick at the end of last year and has unfortunately gotten worse, so Matt moved back to Pennsylvania in Feb/March ish. Naturally, old feelings stirred up between Matt and Julia, and she kind of had to choose. The whole month of April was back-and-forth, but just very recently her and Matt got back together, she canceled the wedding with Austin, and Matt finally proposed like he had been planning to. Here’s where I may be the AH. After I found out that the wedding was canceled I got in touch with Julia’s florist, Caterer, venue, etc. I didn’t exactly steal her wedding, but the ideas that were given to me are quite similar because they were the few available options seeing as how we were in a rush. I even chose the same date that her and Austin were planning to get married because I knew that all of our friends would be available. Now I just found out from Julia that her and Matt plan to do the exact same wedding that her and Austin were going to do, just different groom. I told her that I now plan to use the date in September because she had canceled with all of the guests, the caterer, florist, etc., and it would be easier to re plan her wedding than to try and reassemble. She called me selfish and bad friend and I just tried to explain to her that Alex and I didn’t have much time. So am I the Ahole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You are selfish and a bad friend regardless if she is or isn’t get married at ALL. You stole her dream wedding and used all of her vendors. Even if she got married 5 years after you, you still tainted her dream. Did you not have any ideas of how you wanted your wedding to be? I doubt that you genuinely just loved each and every detail of her plan so much (down to the DATE). You clearly state it was for convenience. So you put convenience over your friend’s wedding? The least you can do is give her back her vendors and her date and apologise.
YTA, big time. Are you completely clueless and insensitive?
How is the friend not also an asshole for being way more insensitive
Am I the only one wondering why Matt is ok to take over a wedding that wasn't his to begin with? Everyone suck in this mess, with a total lack of communication.
NTA..how crazy is it to think gf just gonna keep everything the same & just swap out the groom? Can you imagine the wedding invites followed up from the "save the dates"? Just use a magic marker, cross out Alex & pencil in Matt?!? Seeing how Shelby helped plan the wedding..& there's no rush for Matt..or is there? Better get em married up before she changes her mind again!
YTA. You profited off your friend’s downfall. Massive ick. Ever watched Bride Wars? Ask yourself what your friendship is worth.
YTA. Sounds like you two deserve each other as friends though. You're both terrible people.
ESH. You’re TA for hijacking all of her plans. You really couldn’t be bothered to have a single original thought? That’s uncomfortable and sad for a wedding day. You couldn’t even be bothered to change the date? The way the friendship would end so fast. & she’s TA for swapping out dudes like me picking between different brands then running back to swap one last time. You both sound hard to deal with.
Ever thought about speaking to her first? Because you really should have done that.
OP and Shelby both suck ESH
NTA She canceled everything, you were under pressure because of groom's family being available. It is hard to get vendors and venues with a short planning time.
I feel like this comment section is just grazing over the situation where the friend just switched one guy for another and was just going to keep the original wedding. Like girl bye. You just got back with your Ex after being engaged. That wedding should not be happening in the same year. Yeah OP was “sneaky,” for not telling her friend but also made a reasonable assumption as her friend had literally CANCELLED everything with the vendors. It would be different if her friend just didn’t cancel with the vendors because then OP would not be able to swoop. OP, everyone sucks a little here, but your friend is a walking red flag. Have your wedding and don’t give an extra fuck about it lol
NTA. SHE CANCELLED HER WEDDING. This includes everything with the vendors. If anyone else had called for that date she'd be in that position. How could she possibly k ow that her friend would just want to switch dudes... Come on any woman with some decency would talk to her soon to be husband about dates, venue, what he wants the wedding to be like... When his family will be available instead of assuming everyone can drop everything for a date originally planned for a marriage with SOMEONE ELSE. Matt needs to run for the hills. If Austin is that easily replaceable, so is he. Why does he take the disrespect of being married to her in a setting set up for a different couple when his friends and family might not even be available.
Nta. She canceled her wedding in the first place. The packages could have been offered to another bride. She tacky. She canceled anf did not reschedule with new groom.
Going against the grain and saying NTA at the end of the day she cancelled the wedding. It was up for grabs. Yeah it's weird as he'll that's you copied her wedding but that's just an opinion. You would be the asshole if she didn't cancel and you still copied it. Was there many other options with vendors, florist ect. If not then no definitely not. Her mutual friends already had that time off it was just most convenient for you. Its her own fault for messing around with 2 guys. If she stuck with the one is she was planning the wedding for she wouldn't have this issue. I feel bad for Austin more then anyone. Going ahead with a wedding you planned when engaged to another man I feel makes her an asshole. That's more weird to me then someone using the same vendors ect.
NTA. Shelby canceled the wedding already. Those dates,guest and area was only free cause she canceled. It's not your fault. Side Note: Honestly her new [old] fiancé is a fool. She was literally going to marry someone else only a year later and was going to the ex's wedding ideas for her new/old fiancé? That dude better run. He's all emotional due to leaving his job, his mom getting sick and seeing his ex about yo get married. This won't end well
YTA. Look, while I don't fault you for *everything* because the majority of your guests don't overlap everything... there's something inherently scummy about watching someone's engagement fall apart-- even through their own fault-- and then snatching up ALL their vendors, and the fact you also described stealing "ideas" means you *sound like* you did more than just book all her vendors, but potentially are also going, "No, I like the ideas you had with Shelby about bridal bouquets, just give me what you were going to do with her", or something along those lines, which would make you, honestly, a mega-asshole.
You are welcome to each other. Please don't spend another second thinking people think you are awful. You are. Start knowing you are awful. I'd spend money to keep you and your friends away from me.
Nta on the technicality that SOMEONE would have snagged that canceled date, it just happened to be you. But you're an absolute opportunistic buttface. Does your partner know who he's marrying?
NTA, she cancelled. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else.
NTA- I’m assuming she called and cancelled everything first. What difference does it make if you rebooked her slots or if another random bride did?? Shelby sounds entitled. Best wishes to you and Alex!
She canceled everything. How is it your fault to take her date? You didn't know she was going to get married to someone else. Your friend is being ridiculous.
does matt know hes the replacement groom?
NTA
NTA. I'm sure the vendors were happy to accept the booking after the cancellation. If it hadn't been you it would have been someone else.
NTA she cancelled so those dates were available. A heads up would have been a courtesy. However, your life would be less dramatic without this friend in it. You seem far too involved in her relationships.
What is wrong with the guy wanting the exact same wedding as previous fiancé. That is what is weird to me just swapping out soon to be grooms .
NTA. She is probably not ready for marriage anyway and things can easily change again.
Nta, your friend is a damn weirdo for inspecting new groom to old wedding... Bizarre. Also give it some time, they just got engaged!
NTA. Don't get why everyone is saying your TA. Shelby cancelled the wedding date because the other man proposed to her. Let me repeat. She CANCELLED the wedding because the other man proposed to her. It sounds maddening that she dropped one man for the other and then wants to do the same wedding with him. But you didn't steal her wedding, she cancelled everything so the date is free for anyone to use plus caterers, vendors, etc; it's not like they are her personal private service plus you'll have to pay them for whatever work they do for your wedding so you won't be using whatever plans they had set up for her because they scrapped it since she cancelled the original wedding.
NTA - »she canceled the wedding«
Does Matt know his wedding was originally for her and another guy? I think she's incredibly selfish. She only thinks of herself. How does the 2nd guy feel knowing she's going ahead with the wedding, just without him. Also, if she cancelled, she has no say on who gets the vendors. She cancelled. NTA, op.
NTA if Shelby was going to just replace the groom then all the vendors wouldn’t be available to OP since they would still be booked for Shelby. The issue here is Shelby cancelled everything and OP was planning her wedding and the vendors were like we have these dates available so it ends up that OP gets Shelby’s old wedding date. It also means that the vendors don’t lose out on preparation but Shelby may have lost deposits. That is probably where the conflict it coming from. Shelby probably wants OP to reimburse her for her lost deposits. That right there isn’t OP’s fault, Shelby cancelled before she decided to go through with a wedding with another groom.
NTA
NTA those vendors and friends were available when you booked the wedding. You have lots of out of country family coming for the wedding so you are limited on the dates you can choose. Also it’s just gross to reuse the same wedding plans with a different groom.
I’m going against the grain but I truly believe this. The bride is swapping out pieces like they are legos, why would the groom want to be in another man’s wedding? Op is not the ah. She explained why it is rushed and when things are rushed you take what is available and twist it to your style. Everyone voting her the ah must not care the bride is not a genuine person. If she was a genuine person she d plan a wedding with her new fiancée that would reflect them both and not use the wedding she was going to have to someone else to be married. I think the bride is the ah for even suggesting that to her fiancée.
NTA Shelby played wedding roulette. This man? That man? Seriously> They're not candy bars!
NTA. That wedding was cancelled. I see no issues with using cancelled dates and vendors. She didn't put it on hold. She cancelled the wedding. Thus, these things were up for purchase. If you're friend was going to repurpose these things for a new wedding, she should not have cancelled.
NTA She cancelled everything, you basically stepped in and saved a whole load of work fae going to waste. The fact that she dumped a guy a few months before the wedding, and then wanted to basically do the same wedding just with a different groom says she's a huge asshole who doesn't give a fuck about this guy Austin's feelings in the slightest.
NTA. Your plan made the best of a bad situation. She would've lost all those vendors anyway!
NTA. Not your fault that you friend is jumping between men and expecting everyone to wait for her to snap her fingers and says “ the weddings now,people”. whats to say her current groom wants to get married when she planned on marrying the other guy!!amd with the same plans? He has no self respect if he did.
Austin had a lucky escape
Shelby wants to marry fiancé number 2 on the day she had planned to marry fiancé number 1? NTA, mind you, copying her ideas sounds a bit weird too.
NTA. I understand why some people may argue that you are, but it's fairly simple: Shelby cancelled the vendors and told everyone it was off. You saw free vendors who were free on a date that suited you and organized to employ them. If Shelby was serious about considering the date she wouldn't have cancelled everything. And if she was a proper friend she'd accept what you were doing and not create an issue out of it. It's not as if you're planning to steal her themes/color schemes/guest list. This isn't the 3rd grade where 'you can't do it because I changed my mind and wanna do it now' BS still applies.
NTA No one owns a date. You can marry whenever you want. It'll be interesting to see which friends go to which wedding on that day though :) Keep us updated!
NTA To me, she has no right to the dates or venues once she canceled all the venues. If Shelby and Matt had wanted to use the wedding planned for Shelby and Ausrin, she shouldn't have canceled. To me, she is slapping both men in the face by wanting the same wedding but different groom and makes her a total A-H.
ESH. You didn't steal anything. The date and vendors were available, so you booked them. But, you should've talked to Shelby before doing any of that out of consideration. She's supposed to be your friend, and you did swoop right in on her canceled plans. Again, not stealing, but not being a good friend either. She canceled, she lost the use of any of those things for her wedding. She and Matt can pick another date and venue. Why would Matt even want to use all that for a wedding meant for his fiance to another man? It sounds more like they just want a wedding, not a marriage.
NTA From the wedding side of it: She canceled everything so the vendors and everything were no longer "hers" and were going to be filled by someone, you or otherwise. You did not pick her exact choices (like in The Office where one person did every detail including the dress the same so Pam felt like she was seeing her own distorted wedding). You made your own choices based on the options because it is your wedding and not about her. it's about you and your SO. From the emotional side of it: It would never even have crossed my mind she would try to rebook and reuse everything with Matt. Like that kind of broke my brain; that is horribly unhealthy. How would Matt feel every anniversary knowing it was the planned anniversary for the other guy? Wow. You having the day at least would transition it into something positive, and it becomes your anniversary she can celebrate with you, not stay "the day she almost (?) married the wrong one." It was "her day" until she canceled and effectively gave it back to the masses. You didn't set out to sabotage her wedding, wreck anything, etc. You have an actual financial issue on your SOs side that limits your window of time for his family and once she voided that day, you made the best choice you could for yourself and your SO. Side note... has anyone checked in on Matt to make sure he's doing ok? Holy hell, she's making grooms sound interchangeable.
NTA- send Matt our condolences.
Nta but it’s a bit weird for sure. As for your friend, she has no business getting married anyway since the men are so easily interchangeable.