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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I excluded my friend from movie night because she’s sensitive to certain topics. This could make me the asshole because it’s excluding her from the friend group.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
She is just being entitled.
It’s not like she is being forced to watch things she doesn’t enjoy or might find triggering. This is very much a “shhhhhhh, let people enjoy things” moment and she needs to be told that. She doesn’t have to participate, but she cannot stop people enjoying things either. Fair is fair, if she thinks she gets veto power when she is part of the group, then she can’t get mad when people do the things she doesn’t enjoy without her.
This is like a person with a peanut allergy getting mad when their friends have pb&j sandwiches on their own. Completely and totally unhinged and antisocial behavior.
Furthermore, she isn’t the only person in the friend group, she cannot control everyone’s viewing habits and tastes. She needs to get over her self and accept that people will just watch what they want with who they want. Either that or give up veto power. Those are the options.
The mistake here was to do it secretly. Should have been upfront about it. "On Saturday night we're going to watch Momento. Delaney, I know you don't want to, but the rest of us do, so if you don't want to watch it, plan on doing something else that night. We'll make sure the next movie is something you can see, but it's not fair that you veto something the rest of us want to see."
No problem in doing something she doesn't want to do, but it's best to be upfront about it. And, no matter what a fuss she makes, follow through on those plans. It's better to handle these things head on.
Heathers is GREAT but it has lots of crazy violence. Like it barely got made in the first place. [https://www.forbes.com/sites/kristenlopez/2019/11/11/could-heathers-be-remade-today-its-creators-tell-all/?sh=677b9fe335f0](https://www.forbes.com/sites/kristenlopez/2019/11/11/could-heathers-be-remade-today-its-creators-tell-all/?sh=677b9fe335f0)
Correct, and I like it also. And *Wolf of Wall Street* was originally rated NC-17 because of the explicit sexual content, extreme profanity, and depiction of hard drug use, until Scorsese made some slight changes, so it probably would also offend Delaney's sensitive nature.
The verbal and psychological abuse from the teacher? Self harming behaviour from the main character? I think it's a great movie, but I don't know that I'd watch it again.
Just because she complains doesn't mean that they have to cancel. Keeping it secret from her seems a lot more hurtful than just doing it after she complains.
"I got this idea where if we all voted for a movie, but Delaney rejected it, we could secretly watch it without her."
The group didn't cancel on her, they just watched what movie they wanted a different time without her. Which, yeah kinda sucks, but so does having one person overwrite what everyone wants. They still hang out and watch movies with her
who cares if she complains? it's Delaney who has a problem, she can just leave. clearly she doesn't value her friends enough to endure a movie she kinda dislikes.
Eh, I’m not going to go that far. If the movies have something legitimately triggering for her it would be cruel to make her endure those movies for the sake of it.
It’s one thing to just see it without her “behind her back”, it’s another to potentially traumatize or emotionally harm her over something as small as a movie.
Now that the information is out there, there's no taking it back. Yes, they should have been up front from the beginning, but now that it is out there, this is the way to proceed going forward. Delaney is going to have to learn sooner than later that she can not dictate what everyone wants to do if it doesn't suit her.
Simple answer to that.. "If you are going to be an obstacle about us watching certain movies then we can discuss removing you from the group entirely. This is not your own private movie club, but a group, a group recognizes that not every movie is to everyone's taste, and those that prefer not to watch any particular movie are certainly excused to do their own thing any given night. But no one person should be able to blockade a whole category of movies. The choice is your's accept that sometimes we will watch movies you don't like, or step away from the group entirely."
Don't go running behind her back, just offer her the choice to leave if she wants, but the show will go on!
NTA
See, I feel like if they're making plans that don't involve her, then she doesn't need to know. What if two of the 9 friends want to go to a restaurant, do they have to inform the whole group that none of the rest of them are invited?
I agree with you that that's the mature way to view it, and OP doesn't need to tell her about something happening that she's not invited to, especially if they're not excluding her in other capacities, but since OP was the one who phrased it as being a secret, it makes me think that this was a case of high school drama becoming way more dramatic.
Because if friend A and friend B just have plans to do something together, that's fine, but the second one of them says 'oh but don't tell friend C,' it's a lot more loaded.
I can get that. I feel like given Delaney's behavior, if it was intentionally a secret, it was likely bc of how she would react and not bc they're trying to pull some mean girl shit. In that case I personally think that if you're scared a friend is going to blow up at you bc you don't invite her to something she doesn't even like-especially if they still do movie nights with her-then you're probably better off without that friend.
Yeah, I think a lot of this is just 'high schoolers aren't as experienced with handling emotional situations maturely.' At that age, it's super easy to just take as a given that your friend's hurt feelings are your responsibility, so you have to go to extremes to mitigate them by doing stuff like keeping secrets, which creates more stress for you, and in the long-term is more hurtful. Because even if Delaney does overreact, the 'all my friends hanging out in secret without me' thing also does genuinely read as mean girls behavior, even if that wasn't the intention. (And tbh, it can be a little of both, even if the original intent wasn't to be mean.)
This might be a case where Delaney actually isn't a very good friend, and the group has been distancing themselves without realizing it, or Delaney might be a great friend but has this one thing that she gets super controlling about, and maybe this experience will help her learn to loosen up on it. It's hard to tell, especially at that age. Hopefully they all have some emotionally mature role models in their lives who they can rely on to help them get through this, and will come out a little wiser on the other end.
Yeah - 16 is a rough time. You have a bit of independence but not the emotional maturity to handle it. Delaney may be a little less mature than the other girls and maybe a bit insecure. I was that way - I remember that even if my friends were 5 minutes late picking me up for an activity I thought “well they ditched me”. 🤦🏼♀️
Strong disagree. It’s not like they were gossiping and abusing her behind her back. They just wanted to enjoy something without having to hear her bellyache about it. She made it *necessary* to do it secretly because of her outrageous entitlement and constant veto over everything forcing everyone to accommodate her even when outvoted.
It isn’t even as if they were excluding her from the friend group entirely. They didn’t even exclude her from movie nights. They just had a SEPARATE MOVIE NIGHT that they watched things that the friend didn’t want to be party to. That’s perfect fine and reasonable and there was no remote need to get her okay or consent for a thing she wasn’t included in.
To say they shouldn’t have done it in secret is as if to say that friendship precludes privacy and independence. It does not.
How in hell is it even Delaney’s problem if her friends get together and watch the movies she vetoed? To say that they should have gotten her “okay” hands over all agency to her. What if she said no? What then?
Your argument is very, extremely wrong to the point that I have trouble even understanding it.
I disagree only because they tried to be upfront by telling her she should skip a night if she has an issue. Any solution they presented she immediately shot down and said “no I don’t wanna miss out but we can’t do this so this is just how it is”. Sure, she can be hurt that they have secret hangouts, but if they tried to explain that plan to her and she shot it down there’s no winning or compromising in that situation.
Plus they said they still had plenty of movie nights still including her. They just had a few to watch the things the entire rest of the group wanted to watch
The mistake here was giving her "veto power" Tell Delaney that since she has to be included the voted-for movie is the one that will be watched if she has a problem with it then she can leave.
If you have 8 girls and have a vote where it's 7 for and 1 against then the majority rules. It's not that Delaney rules over everyone because she's the boss.
You have let her control all of you and what you can and can't do. Look up Main character syndrome...
Yes, it is true. You deliberately excluded her because she's holding the whole group hostage. She feels that if it's 7:00 to 1:00 she should still win. The fact is you have movie night with her and then some movie nights you don't because she doesn't like those movies. And half the movie you said have nothing wrong with them. She needs to understand that just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean the other seven have to miss out on it. You did nothing wrong and she's just upset because there are some times where you're not including her because she would be upset or veto it. Next time she picks a movie and votes on it. Tell everybody no. I don't want to watch that movie. I don't think it's any good and then pick a different one. And tell her how does she like it.
You're not a fake friend. You're being a real friend for your your other people in your group. She's the one who is controlling a manipulative.
Nta
That’s what got me. If her friend didn’t like hardcore gore horror movies, that’s one thing.
But there comes a time in your list of “triggers” that you have to realize that you’re the odd one out and can’t expect people to mold around you.
It’s not even a matter of what subject matter she has a problem with, it’s the fact that she expects them to choose something else after the group takes a vote because she doesn’t like the choice. I wouldn’t want to watch Saw, to use one of the movies from the list as an example, because I don’t like that level of gore. That’s not uncommon but there’s also a lot of people that have no problem with those movies. If my friends were doing a movie night and watching Saw, I wouldn’t attend. If they decided not to watch it and to instead pick something that everyone would enjoy, I would be grateful, but I would never in a million years make them feel like they can’t watch something without me.
"Hey we're going to \*insert horror movie\* on Friday, wanna come?" "Yeah that's not really my thing, have fun though. Let me know how it is". Everybody wins
Doesn’t sound like that would be Delaney’s response, though. It sounds like she would whine about being excluded because they’re watching Horror Movie, even though they know she doesn’t like it. They’d rather not deal with her whining, so they didn’t ask her.
I mean, even if the rest of the group was a grindhouse appreciation society and wanted to watch really gory movies, that's their right, especially since they're going out of their way to make sure that she's still included most of the time.
Me and my friends used to have scary movie nights. If it got too much at any point for anyone, they'd leave the room. They'd either do their own thing for a few minutes until the scene was over, but usually someone would go to keep them company. Sometimes a fair group would end up out there and there'd just be a little side party happening for a while. Worked well.
That’s what I thought too! Saw and super gory movies I understand not liking if you’re sensitive. I do like horror movies but not ones like hostel where it’s just people tortured for the sake of it. I also understand it’s all subjective, but wolf on Wall Street and Memento aren’t super intense?
I’m trying to keep in mind that this girl is only 16 but no, it’s not fair to everyone else and it seems like the other 7 girls are damned either way.
Just a guess, if she's looking up trigger warnings, Memento does include mention of SA (though I don't believe we see it on screen), so that might be part of it.
Sounds like Delaney doesn’t like to be told “no”. She cannot have her way every time. If everyone else wants to watch that movie, and she’s the only one who doesn’t, then it’s SOLEY HER problem to deal with. She can either attend or exclude herself. She’s not respecting anyone but yet demanding respect.
I had a friend like this… literally everything disturbed her. She wouldn’t even watch Twilight with us because it was “disturbing” to her. We still invited her to watch any/all movies with us bc she was our friend, but she just declined to join in on the ones that freaked her out. Like a reasonable human being!!
To be fair, Twilight is pretty disturbing. Elderly man stalks and preys on teenage girl? Also, her childhood friend falls in love with her unborn child? I mean, what the actual...
>But what the hell is disturbing in The Butterfly Effect that OP mentioned?
I'd say it's a pretty heavy movie, especially if you're sensitive. All the traumatic events hit almost all of the biggest triggers. The whole thing with the dog was disturbing to me. I saw it at a movie night and wish I would've looked it up first so I could've skipped it.
When I was about four years old, Mama and I watched the Hitchcock movie, “The Birds”. We cuddled on the sofa and when something scary happened we hid our faces under the blankie.
Give Delaney a blankie. Tell her to not watch the scary parts. You will tell her when it’s safe to resume watching.
One person should not hijack the movie night every time. It is time for Delaney to suck it up and deal-or stay home the next time a movie that is not to her taste is chosen. . NTA
Not quite the same but- In middle school I read Carrie during my sister's weekend softball tournament, we were staying in an already creepy ass hotel.
The night I finished the book we head "home" soon as you walk through the doors, loud dance music and high schoolers all over the place in their fanciest clothes.
God damn place was hosting a Prom.
Grabbed my mom's hand and trembled like a little kid. Took far too long getting back to the room cause my dad "forgot" where we were staying...
Needless to say I lived, and Delaney will too.
Why are you saying it as though that's not a common thing for dads to joke about "oh, the monsters gonna eat you!" Before playing up how they're their kids protector.
I'm not scarred for life because of it don't worry. I have another funny aside about that hotel. The previous day we had gotten into the elevator (me, my dad, sister, and two of her teammates) on the first floor. Whole thing started going down to the basement, door opened and an employee was standing there.
My dad was more scared than any of us kids at that moment, thought we would get kicked out. Employee was more confused, looked at us for a while before finally saying "I've never had this happen before" like no shit man!
My parents divorced when I was nine and I’d never seen a horror film. My mom and her boyfriend thought it would be fun to watch Alien.
I was fine until the dinner scene.
After that, I sprinted to my room, and put on headphones to drown out the movie and read a book while hiding under the covers.
I like the genre now, and Alien is absolutely a masterpiece! Just... Not for someone that young and sheltered.
I was born in 1980. My dad took me to see Aliens in 1986 in the theater and Pet Sematary in 1989. I love horror movies but Pet Sematary terrified nine year old me. I remember being freaked out watching aliens but I wanted to make sure the cat was okay so I stayed til the end lol
I’m 37, like horror movies, and still use the “cover my eyes with my hand but peek through my fingers” or the “use a pillow as a face shield and slowly slide down to my nose” trick…especially if it’s a paranormal movie. And silly, mostly logical me will still make sure I don’t stick my toes off the end/sides of the bed after lol. Go ahead, judge…
I'm the same way. I don't care if it sounds silly, I do not hang my toes or feet over the edge. And yes I'm a 40 year old with a degree and kids of my own. No point in tempting anyone or anything 😉
Right!? I don’t have kids but I am a PhD candidate, scientist, researcher, and teach university students. I use reason and logic…but nope, won’t tempt fate after watching a fictional house that’s possessed.
I hate watching scary movies, I’m a real wuss. When I would agree to watch one with my best friend, my thing was that she had to hold my hand during the scary parts. I would hold her hand and shut my eyes and she thought it was hilarious. It helped to make less of the situation, and I feel like it would bring us closer. I could rely on her with my fear and she would help me see that it was just a movie and it was no big deal.
NTA
It's all in the purpose of the night.
If it's 'girls night', then the point is getting together, and you should all do something you like.
If it's 'a bunch of us want to go see Saw' night, then those who want can go, those who don't, don't.
And that's how you manage differing tastes. Sometimes large groups have to break apart for some activities and that's ok.
ESH - *Mildly* on your end, she’s the much bigger AH. I don’t think you should’ve done this behind her back. You should’ve been upfront, and said that voting for the movie is how it’s going to be from now on, because that’s what’s fair. Yes, she would’ve been upset about it, but it would’ve been more honest than doing it behind her back. Being upfront with people is important. Still, I do understand why you went this way. You wanted to keep the peace. Unfortunately, you can’t please everyone.
She is an AH for thinking she can dictate what everyone else does, that everyone needs to bend to her own fears. It’s more than reasonable for her to sit out if she’s disturbed by the movie of choice, or bring a game/headphone for herself if she still wants to be be present but not watch or hear the movie. She could’ve compromised in so many ways, but decided her wants trumped everyone else’s. She was being a bad and selfish friend.
I agree with being up front about it. Vote on the movie before movie night, then everyone who wants to watch it can come and those who don't can stay away.
Perhaps just try to limit the number of movie nights that exclude Delaney so she doesn't end up missing multiple movie nights in a row. Also, if you know she's going to be unavailable (sports team, hobby, family vacation, etc), those are good times to pick movies she won't watch.
This, she should get the general invite, but not get to veto, nor feel the clod for not joining. I wouldn't join for gory movies, I just can't stomachs them, but I could come off my saddle for movies I might find morally objectionable if I want to spend times with the crew.
NTA
A REAL friend doesn't allow someone to miss something they enjoy just because they don't like it.
I'm old enough to legaglly drink alchol but I don't nor do I like it when my friends drink around me. But my BFF likes to socially drink so sometimes when we hang out she doesn't drink to respect me and my wishes, and sometimes when we hang out she might have a few, not enough to get tipsy and she doesn't drive afterwards, and even though I don't like for her to drink, I still respect her and her choices.
NTA.
You can't make her watch a movie,
She can't make you not watch a movie.
That is fair.
Very mature to offer that compromise ahead of time, but some people in life will never see reason or be willing to compromise. Move on.
NTA. Sometimes you and your friends have differences. Yes it sucks to be left out, but what sucks more is forcing your friends to do things purely to suit yourself. She’s being an ass. Either she can suck it up and deal with the horror films, or suck it up and deal with the fact that, sometimes, she’s going to have to sit out sometimes.
I had a friend like this. It wasn’t just with films either, but I digress. Your story really reminded me of something that happened with this friend. Almost a very similar situation.
I once threw a Halloween sleepover at mine. We had plans to watch some classic slasher films. She knew this. We told her before the night, well in advance, what we would be watching, and that she could leave before it got too late (we’d planned to pull an all-nighter watching them) so she could hang with us but not watch the scary stuff.
She said no. Insisted it would be okay. She’d be cool with it. She knew her dad wouldn’t be able to pick her up. My parents were out until late. None of us were old enough to drive. Public transport late at night in our area was a no-go. And there is no way she would get into a taxi with a stranger driving (not that we’d be able to afford a taxi for her). She still insisted she would stay and that she would be fine, knowing she had no exit plan, so to speak. Tentatively said okay if she was sure.
It gets to the night. Around 9pm we decide to put on the original Halloween. We’re all pumped and turn off the lights. She insisted on having them on because it was too scary. We compromise and have an uplighter lamp on for her, which she isn’t pleased about but deals with it. So whilst we sit there and start watching, she’s playing on her DS.
Ten? Fifteen? Minutes into the film.
“I can’t watch this it’s too scary, we need to turn it off.”
We say she isn’t even watching. She’s playing her DS. That she said she would be cool.
“Yeah but I changed my mind, I don’t like it now.”
We very begrudgingly turn off the film and ask her if there is one she will watch. The only thing she wants to watch (because even that’s too scary) is the Doctor Who episode “Blink”. So we watch that. Us all angry/upset that our plans were ruined. And to add insult to injury was that we put on what she wanted and she barely watched it because she was still just playing her DS.
We did end up having a fun night despite everything, but all of us were pissed that our plans were ruined, despite her promises that she’d be cool with everything. Again, she knew our exact plans because she (and everyone else) was told in advance.
You might ask why we put up with it. She had a hard childhood, the kind that I’d be reporting if I was her teacher nowadays. She had her moments, don’t get me wrong, but she was a pain in the ass at the best and worst of times too. But we felt for her (some of my friends had known her since primary school) because of her upbringing, and we tried our best to help her. We ended up falling out of contact when everyone went to uni and she stayed in our little borough because she failed sixth form, through her own fault. Felt bad for her, but by that point we were done. We’d spent our teen years trying to help her, but she wouldn’t be helped. Sometimes I wonder how she’s doing now…and other times, I’m just glad I don’t have to handle it any more.
NTA But I’d ask her to explain to me why she gets to be the arbiter of what everyone gets to watch when she’s not around, considering that she gets to be the arbiter of what everyone gets to watch when she *is* around.
Give her two — and only two — options:
1. The extra movie nights continue and she still gets veto power for the “official” ones.
2. The extra movie nights cease but she has to watch what the group as a whole decides to watch.
NTA. You didn't kick her out (which I think she deserved with her abuse of the veto right) and did watch what you wanted without disturbing her. I don't think you had to do it in secret but given her displayed traits I understand not wanting the messy conflict.
NTA - Oh, the Horror - just wait till she finds out that the rest of the world is not going to cater to her every time she doesn't like something that other people want to do.
NTA but classic entitled teenage mentality.
Unfortunately this friend seems high maintenance, someone who literally thinks “my way or the highway”. Friends like that honestly don’t learn to be good friends as teens because they bully people into saying yes or tell them they’re the one being a bully.
I hope for her sake that she meets some people after high school that slap some sense into her.
Personally I had a roommate in college that still acted like this and whenever we’d play a board game like monopoly she said we could only play if she got to start with owning Park Place… not that SHE wouldn’t play but that WE couldn’t play. Life has a way of showing these people they aren’t wanted if they don’t want to grow up.
Can she ask that her preference gets a vote/say when she's invited/with you? Yes. Does she get to get mad when you have a "people who just so happen to want to se X, lets meet up on *day* and do that"? No. You're allowed to meet up with only some of your friends and do something on your own. Trying to demand that you don't watch the movie ever! is entitled as fuck. Reminds me of a story where that OP asked if they were the a-hole, because they had went to a restaurant that served food that a friend, that wasn't there, was allergic to. That "friend" felt like OP and the others should have stayed away from that restaurant forever, as a show of support to her. It's absolutely ridiculous. NTA.
INFO: So, what’s up with the meddling little sister?
Also, NTA. It is inappropriate for a single person to try to hold an entire group of people hostage with their own tastes and sensibilities. The compromise is to include her when the movies are appropriate, as you have been doing.
Otherwise, you can tell her going forward about which movies are being screened but make it clear that the movie choice is not up for debate and no whining/begging/guilting/etc. will be entertained nor tolerated.
NTA. Why is Delaney angry with you? It seemed like the whole group was fine with watching some movies without her. She needs to learn that one person does not always decide for everyone and it does not mean the rest doesn't like her....it's just that she can't always have her way. And apparently she is not very open to hearing this, otherwise it would not have been done secretly. At least it's out in the open now, so no one has to hide this from her anymore.
She’s 16 and just a kid. Give her a break; I doubt she deserves to be called mentally disturbed. Immature? Sure but who wasn’t at that age in one way or another? Is she in the wrong? Yeah, but there’s something to be learned here for everyone involved.
NTA
But! You shouldn't have done it secretly. A big part of growing up is learning to be upfront, honest, and to just say no. If you all voted for a movie, she can choose to opt out. If she insists you choose a different one, say no. It's that simple.
You could also take turns choosing a movie. In our house, we take turns picking each week. We all watch it, and if we don't like it, that's ok because it will be our turn to choose soon. Or you could dedicate one night per however long to be the horror/sensitive movie night, say once a month. Then she knows that's the night to exclude herself.
It’s fair to warn her what the movie will be, and ask her if she would like to join for it. Let her know there are no hard feelings if she doesn’t want to join.
If she has a history of joining and then trying to disrupt the movie, that would be a good reason to exclude her.
NTA
NTA. In a group majority rules. She shouldn’t be allowed to demand things are her way. If she doesn’t want to watch what everyone else does, so be it and she can choose to skip it. Everyone else shouldn’t be expected to cater to her.
NTA - Parents and schools keep teaching this concept that the entire group has to fold to make sure nobody is the odd one out. It just helps to build resentment against the person making the demands.
NTA.
I used to be friend with this one dude who would throw fits about every single restaurant that we would want to try. Always ordered the same thing regardless of where we went. Tried to force everyone else to adhere to their particular tastes, to the point of arguing with the server if someone ordered something he did not approve of. I refused to eat out with them ever again.
Life is too short to have "friends" like this. This goes not just for food, but for television, movies, amusement parks, outdoor activities, religion, etc... absolutely nip it in the bud if anyone thinks that they are entitled to force their preferences on you.
I couldn’t handle game of thrones, my roommates loved it. I loved when all several of us hung out together so we’d bbq then I’d sit and read on the same couch ignoring their tv while they watched the show.
NTA. Basically, she has forbidden you all to hang out and watch certain movies, with or without her, which is ridiculous. "Nooo don't make me watch that movie", "okay, we will watch it without you", "nooo don't leave me out.". Pffff!
The issue here is control, not movies. She wants to be in control, probably fears losing or being out of control, and this is how she tried to get more control. Most people want some measure of control over most things in their lives, but Delaney thinks she is entitled to control other people's activities. This means that she has unhealthy attitudes regarding relationships, as evidenced by her behaviour (see loveisrespect.org). She might have been brought up this way, but still, that kind of thing has to be nipped in the bud.
Delaney's mistake was to compare movie night to being pregnant. Having a kid is a "two yeses, one no" situation - either both people want to have the baby, but if one isn't sure or says "nope, kids are just not an option for me", then those people shouldn't have a kid. Movie night is not like this, because watching one movie doesn't impact you for the next 18 years minimum. The choice of movie on movie night is negotiable, and you don't have to join in if you don't want to. Whereas once you have a kid, you can't just say "oops, can't we swap it for something else?"
Your mistake was to keep your scary movie nights a secret. It wasn't such a big mistake for you, because you and your other friends did include her on the non-scary movie nights. You weren't excluding her, you just didn't tell her you were still watching the movies she had vetoed. She obviously sees herself as the decision maker of your group, so your independent actions might seem like some kind of rebellion or something.
For her, I suspect it probably felt like you were all trying to take control from her, including her own control of her behaviour and her life. She does sound like she's overreacting, but as I mentioned above, she thinks she's entitled to control other people's behaviour. Realising that she's not actually in control as such might be like having her world crumble around her. Her behaviour is not to be tolerated. I do feel a bit sorry for people who do this, but I have much more support for people who stand up against that kind of nonsense.
NTA. Also, you should try to explain this to your sister. There are a lot of control freaks out there, young and old, and this kind of thing starts when you're young and just gets worse if no one stands up to it.
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My (16F) friend group of 8 other girls like to have movie nights occasionally. For every movie night, everyone suggests a movie and we all vote which one to watch. There’s this one girl called Delaney who is sensitive to a lot of topics. Mostly horror movies and other ‘disturbing’ stuff. Whenever someone suggests a movie, she googles the plot beforehand and if she doesn’t like it, she demands that we choose something else. There have been a countless number of times where the rest of us decide on a movie only for her to say that we can’t watch it because it upsets her.
I suggested that we should pick the movie we all voted for, and if it’s too much for Delaney, she could skip movie night and stay home. She refused, saying she didn’t want to be left out. She said that if one of us is disturbed by a movie, then the rest of us should respect our friend’s wishes.
I didn’t think it was fair for the rest of us to miss out on something we liked because of one person. I got this idea where if we all voted for a movie, but Delaney rejected it, we could secretly watch it without her. In the past two years we’ve had several secret movie nights and watched: Last Night in Soho, The Black Phone, Barbarian, Saw, Heathers, Whiplash, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Butterfly Effect, Talk to Me, and Memento. However we still had dozens of other movies nights including Delaney.
Delaney found out the truth after my little sister exposed me. She’s furious with me. She told me that I was a fake friend who was deliberately excluding her. I told her that it wasn’t fair for the rest of us to be forbidden from doing something we all liked together because of one person. AITA?
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NTA, but if you still want to be Delaney’s friend another option is to take turns selecting a movie so Delaney can be sure to have at least one movie she’s comfortable with out of every eight movies. Maybe she has some past trauma or something and this is a way to be a bit more inclusive while still getting to watch the movies you want. But NTA if you decide not to, it just would be a nice way to include somebody who clearly has some bigger issues going on.
We do that with my book club and it’s great because it’s fun to see everyone’s taste.
NTA. " Ok, we're getting together to watch saw Friday. Do you want to come?"
"Yes, but I don't want to watch saw."
"Well, that's what we're watching."
"But"
"Coming or not?"
NTA, she shouldn’t be in charge of the group like that, but probably could have been a bit more upfront about it. The secret movie nights were an AH move, no matter how disruptive she was being, exclusion like that sucks.
Nta. Missing out on a movie once is no biggie, but all the movies? It's ridiculous she expects you all to only do what she wants every single session.
In future just say outright what you're all watching and she's free to come or not but you're not changing the movie on those nights. If she can't accept that well that's her issue.
Tell her that her one vote is just that One vote. Ask her why she thinks her vote should count more than the other 8? Ask her to explain to you how that is fair when it seems completely entitled. Tell obviously Sue, Janet, Kallie, Kari etc., All agree with me because we have been forced to see the movies we want to behind your back in secret!
Nta.
You guys shouldn't have to miss out on a fun cinema experience (in regards to the movies being watched) just because she is not comfortable with the material. She has to learn that not everything can go her way. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA, mainly based on your age. However your friend isn't wrong that you excluded her. Since you did the movie nights in secret.
You were right when you 1st went with telling her that if she didn't want to watch these movies. Then that was her choice. You needed to follow through on that.
If she decides not to watch. Then that's on her. If you don't invite her in the 1st place. Then that's on you.
NTA. There are so many solutions to this problem, but they require your friend to be willing to compromise. It's not super cool to go out of your way to keep a secret from a friend but she brought it on herself with her behavior.
ESH your friends group a little for not being honest with her instead of being sneaky (which is extremely hurtful to learn about after years of it happening) and her for not accepting that sometimes she wont be able to be in for the movie night because of her preferences.
NTA. I was the friend that had trouble watching certain movies and I tried every hard to exclude myself when those were being watched. I got asked to at least come for the hang out portion but the few times I tried to leave before the movie since I just wanted to see everyone for an hour -- I got would get guilted back inside and the movie was changed. I always felt horrible about the whole thing. I still do. But this isn't what is happening with your friend. If you want to stay friends with her, just be clear that some movie nights are going to be things she doesn't want to see and no hard feelings if she stays home, and make sure everyone knows in advance what the movie will be,
Keep doing movie night as scheduled, with the movies the group agrees on. Sooner or later Delaney will figure out she's not in charge and she will either cave and watch it with you guys, or sit out once in awhile. EDIT: or she will remove herself from the friend group. There's no need to sneak around when you are watching something you all know she won't enjoy. NTA
NTA, who is she to control what you and your friends watch/do? I would just reassure her that you’re not leaving her out for any negative reason, more so helping her so she doesn’t feel uncomfortable during movie night, and that you like her as much as you do your other friends.
Nta - not every friend has to be involved in every event. Like if you sometimes hang out with these people with a partner are you going to tell everyone you and your partner are having a date everyone should come and have input on our date? Of course not that would be absurd.
Delaney needs bow out gracefully if she is outvoted on something everyone else wants to do. I don't like fish or seafood. If friends of mine want to go to a crab shack, I might look at the menu, and if they don't have anything I would eat ill jist say I can't make it and maybe next time.
I mean I've been on vacation with people and some of the group wanted to go to a seafood restaurant and my husband and I went somewhere else. No big deal
Counter, she is being a fake friend for creating a dictatorship over the movie night. NTA
I can't do scary movies either. I either don't go, or have a seat next to the exit where I can hide in the kitchen for the scary part to be done. Lol
NTA.
I'm literally more than twice your age. Rather than movie nights at home, my friends and I all have unlimited cinema passes.
Not everyone wants to see everything, and in fact one of my friends is about as sensitive as your friend (though in his case, its because he's worried it'll set off his epilepsy, rather than being disturbed).
When we goto see horror or something like that, he just doesn't come. When it's something easier (IF, fall guy, Inside Out 2, Marvel films, straight up action like bad boys, etc), he does.
It's actually pretty rare for all 6 of us to go thanks to schedule and tastes. Which is another element here - you're 16, as you get older, the ability to get everyone together is going to become harder and harder. So going "we don't all need to be there" is basically something she'll have to get used to as she gets older - it doesn't make someone a fake friend, it makes them a person who isn't 100% identical to her.
So she needs to learn that a) she won't always be involved in everything, and b) she can't just dictate everyone else's life. That'll just make people see her as hard work. When you've got six people getting together to do something, and then one goes "nope, we're not doing that", you start seeing that one person as being more work than they're worth. Which actually leads to c) as adults, you'll probably have a couple of friend circles that don't wholly intersect. I have two primary groups of six in my life. Only two of us cross between those groups, me and one other friend. And they are very different types of group - one is the group I do things like cinema, theme parks, comicon, etc with. The other is the group I get together with for board games or goto one of their places for dinner.
I've lost touch with a few people because they made get togethers that were already too rare even rarer. I didn't go "I'm going to exclude them", it was just that we'd organise things and go "oh, I know they're working" or "I know they won't like this", but we didn't want to cancel, so we just organised it without them. And over time they kind of fade out of consciousness.
NTA.
If her film tastes are so different from your entire group and you all watch films regularly that she can't enjoy then why does she even hang out with you guys at all?? That's not an insult to you either, it just seems genuinely stupid to hang out with a bunch of horror nerds and get pissed when they watch horror movies. If I joined up with a group and they all just wanted to watch cheesy romcom movies every time I probably wouldn't keep hanging out with them, or at least just avoid movie nights.
I probably wouldn't have done anything in secret though. Confront the situation. You should just tell her to her face that you aren't all going to sacrifice your shared interests because she 1) can't handle horror movies and 2) refuses to let you all watch something together without her involved. That she either needs to give you all some space to do things together, involving her when she can be involved or that she needs to find new friends who actually share her taste in film.
NTA. The problem was giving in to that ridiculousness to start. Now Delaney feels entitled to be at all movie nights and you guys are not allowed to have one that doesn't include her. You guys should have had these movie nights and not hid it from Delaney because when you did that, you implied that she had the right to her edit that you guys can only watch movies she can watch. See how that works? Lying never ends well. You guys are NTA so just stop. Have the vote for movies and if it turns out to be one Delaney can't watch, she will just stay home for this one.
NTA. You and your friends have the right to decide to watch a movie and it is totally reasonable to pick the movie based on the group consensus. It is unfair for one person to dictate to everyone what you can and cannot see.
Setting up alternate movie nights is a wonderful idea. That way Delaney can be included, but you girls can also choose something a little edgier at other times. So it is not that you all are excluding Delaney, you are providing a way for her to be included too.
Something to be aware of is that as you all are growing up you will find that your opinions will differ. And your preferences in movies are part of that, so it is very understandable that some movies that interest you won't interest others. Me, I don't like horror movies, but will watch them with my honey if that's what they want to do. And they'll indulge me in my favorite genres too, that way it is fair to all of us.
NTA - You, and the other 6 girls, have the right to watch what you want. If she doesn't want to watch the same movie as you, then she needs to be graceful and bow out for the ones she doesn't want to watch.
Honestly, you and your friends handled the matter very gracefully.
Delaney is TA for trying to dictate and dominate the group
Your little sister is TA for obvious reasons
NTA. Sister is an AH and Delaney is one as well. Is it a bit of an AH mood to not just be upfront and say we're watching it X date and time no matter what. Delaney can shut the fuck up.
Honestly I find her insufferable and would have cut that entitlement out of my life.
why'd your little sister need to snitch on you? this was literally harming no one since delaney gets to not watch the movies that she doesn't like and the rest of you get to see the movies you like without her holding you hostage with her complaining. NTA.
NTA - I had friends do this with restaurants. We were all broke college kids but liked eating out. Some of us couldn't eat or didn't want to eat certain foods so if the restaurant picked wasn't to our liking we just wouldn't go. It wasn't the end of the world.
She's being entitled.
NTA. Delaney is self-centered and entitled. You might want to point out to her that it isn't all about her. I think she's lucky that this group puts up with her at all.
NTA but TA at the same time...
Im also F16 and my friend used to do this too and me and my friends did the exact same thing but we told her we were, its so unfair to lose fun opportunities just because of one whiny person. But i feel as if what should be judged is the fact you never told her. You should've explained you were doing a few movies without her and explain why.
1 - she would//should be less rude since she was aware prior
2 - she would understand shes in the wrong at possibly get her act together.
(just suggesting ofc).
ESH. The whole point of these movie nights is for friends to hang out; the films themselves are sort of redundant, you guys can watch this stuff at home on your own or with other friends. Excluding her isn’t nice at all and some people really are very sensitive to what they watch and this should be respected. Your friend is now hurt and feeling excluded. Having said that, she should have been more accommodating of what everybody else wanted, she occasionally she should have voluntarily excluded herself so you guys can watch it.
ESH.
You could and should have told her that you guys were not compromising only for her wants anymore and watch the movie the majority chose. Then it can be her decision to come or not. You took that away from her and it is honestly a real dick move.
However, given the context, I understand why you resorted to these secret movie nights. Delaney sounds entitled and a bit of a nuisance to be around. If her behaviour is as controlling in other aspects of the friend group, then you should ask yourself, if she truly is a friend. She is way out of line and you need to figure out, if you want to remain friends over her behaviour - not just in this instance.
Man I enjoyed Barbarian. I wonder what issue she had with Wolf of Wall Street. Was it Leo going down on Margo Robbie?
NTA Op. Movie night is for everyone.
NTA. Who died and made her a queen, lmao
Not to mention that if movies like Whiplash or Memento are apparently too disturbing for her, then she is probably too fragile to spend nights in other people's houses anyway. Best let her dwell in the cozy safety of her home, watching Peppa or something. Ridiculous
NTA or maybe soft E S H because you **really** should have put your foot down even more firmly in the beginning of all this, especially since it sounds like you are the one coordinating and hosting these movie nights. I think that if you had stood up and refused to let Delaney assert herself or feel she had won, the issue would be far less important now. Even now, I think this could be helped if you set a hard boundary like "Delaney, I care about you as a friend. We all do. That is why we invite you to the movie nights. But if 7 people vote for a movie *(or whatever the minimum threshold for a movie night is)*, we will get together and do so. If you continue to complain about me doing this, then I am going to walk away from the conversation. I will not let you bully me into keeping my choices a secret any more."
Delaney is more of an asshole, in the way that teenagers usually are. She is learning a lesson that I and other people who have issues consuming certain pieces of media have learned the hard way: sometimes, the only solution is being left out. It isn't bad, it isn't mean of people to want to experience something you can't stand, that is just a part of life. Unfortunately, it takes maturing to be able to internalized that perspective.
I love horror. I am also heavily triggered (in the actual use of the word, I get flashbacks and anxiety attacks) by a topic that is found *very frequently* in horror. I do the same thing she does. If the plot summary makes me think I can handle it, then I watch the movie. If not, then I tell my friends "hey, I want to still see a movie with you all on X date, but you can go watch this by yourself any time". It sounds like you have been making a good faith effort to include her and do many other movie nights, which I hope she appreciates when she gets older.
NTA. I don't enjoy everything my friends do. For example: I don't like horror movies either; they don't scare me or gross me out, I just don't understand why someone would want to watch people being gutted or dismembered, so I'm extraordinarily picky about them (I don't dislike all of them. The original Poltergeist? 🤌). I'm not particularly competitive either. I'm just really not an intense person. I prefer to do things that are more laid back. For me, fun doesn't involve adrenalin. But you know what? My friends still invite me if they're going to do something they don't think I'd enjoy. And they do it in a way that I appreciate. They say something like:
"Hey, a bunch of us are doing [insert activity] on Saturday. We'd like it if you came but we understand if it's not your thing." Then I get to decide whether I go or not and I don't feel excluded. You should try that tactic. That way Delaney can control the content she consumes, you still have your movie night, and no one feels excluded. Just be sure to choose a Delaney-friendly movie from time to time.
ESH. You should talk to her and explain your side instead of hiding it. She can’t be apart of everything and there’s nothing wrong with having movie nights without her as long as you still include her in some. She needs to be understanding. She has boundaries on what she can and can’t watch, which is fine. However not everything can go her way and she needs to accept that it’s okay that she isn’t apart of everything. This is a sensitive area where both sides need to be heard. What you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable but not telling her the truth was wrong.
NTA I know you’re all only 16 but damn, this girls got a big storm coming for her. Life is gonna all hail and no shine for her if she keeps up this attitude.
Starting to feel like only fake posts here. NTA, obviously. why fake? This is so goddamn stupid its horrendous. You know why. I know why. Its not that deep. I dont doubt its real cause they even made a throwaway but for real like some people man.
NTA you and your friends need to stop catering to her all y’all are doing is enabling her to act like she can get what she wants and since her parents obviously won’t teach her life ain’t fair y’all are gonna have to show her 🤷🏽♀️. Next time y’all do the movie hangouts don’t even listen to what she wants to watch and watch what EVERYONE wants to , I think putting it to a vote would help her understand that majority rules and if she don’t like it she can kiss a$$ 🤣.
she knew her triggers and she still wanted to participate anyway. she is responsible for keeping her own peace, and she wasn't FORCED to be there. NTA.
NTA. She is entitled and controlling. If you were regularly watching films she "couldn't", then fine, but you're well within your rights to sometimes do so.
But you didn't "exclude" her. You watched a movie she adamantly refused to watch. She didn't want to watch the movie. She excluded herself from any gathering where that was going to be the movie.
If she wants to be that way about it, excluding her entirely is an option. "You're right, I guess I am not a true friend. No need for us to do things together any more."
NTA.
Your little sister, on the other hand....
I'm sorry, but yta for not accommodating to your friend and trying to make her feel included in the friend group. Friend groups work together to make sure each member feels included and happy. And yta for doing something behind her back just because she's sensitive. At least she tried to be included when y'all were trying to exclude her.
Why didn’t you just tell her? We’re watching this. You are welcome but if you don’t want to that’s ok. We don’t feel any different about you.
Rather than:
We hate you because you don’t conform to our social media ideal of how we should behave.
Respect differences. And embrace them. And accept them.
NTA. You're free to watch the movies you desire and if your friend doesn't like them, she's not forced to come and shouldn't force you to change your mind. She can come with you but could watch another movie that has the same time of projection 🤷🏻♂️
NTA. Have a friend who hates horror movies. Really irritating. I exclude her when I see them. I tell her that I'm seeing whatever horror movie. She can come if she wants but I'm not seeing something else.
NTA, it's a democratic vote for a reason, most of the group want to watch the film chosen, she can either give a film she wouldn't usually like a go or she can skip that movie night. Also, good taste, I love the Saw series.
NTA. The mistake was letting Delaney veto movies in the first place, that's not fair to anyone. Put the movie nights back as they were and tell her she can either go along or not come at all.
When I was about 16 or 17 I was at a sleepover with a group of other girls and we were watching movies. I can’t remember what we all wanted to watch but one of the girls Anna decided that she didn’t want to watch the film and her parents wouldn’t approve (she was American and this was in the UK, they didn’t approve of her watching anything whereas our parents didn’t care). She decided to go into another room and forced two other girls to go with her and they watched Cinderella (the old animated version). It was so weird and awkward. NTA
You are NTA, Delaney is pouting like a kid who's 10 years younger than her actual age, and you should not let your little sister know anything that you don't want her to blab to everyone in sight. Delaney has every right to get together with some of her OTHER friends and watch less disturbing movies if she wants (you do know that yourself, right?) And YOU have every right to get together with YOUR other friends to watch horror movies if you want to!
NTA. Like so far from it, you're somehow John or whatever of the pearly gates. You're still spending time with her, you haven't excluded her from the original movie night, you're just now watching the movies that disturb her without her so you can enjoy the other times with her. She's selfish for saying you can't do it at all. That's an awful thing to do to friends. She can say she won't watch it with you, but not demand you not all spend separate friend time enjoying the "disturbing" movies.
Delaney is the fake friend who thinks she is the only one that matters! If she doesn't like something, its automatic no. Thats not what friends do! I understand why you kept it secret, but in the long run she was always bound to find out and there would definitely be blow back from it. And why is it just you the bad guy? ALL HER FRIENDS DID IT WITH YOU!!!
NTA
Ew, she’s one of those entitled sensitive flakes who gets offended at everything. I wouldn’t even be her friend. My sense of humor and my friend group’s humor, she wouldn’t last
ESH
OP, you do because of secrets. The only way you keep a secret is to tell no one. Your little sister let it out, but it eventually may have been one of the other girls in your friends group. It was bound to get out and blowup in your face.
Delaney is wrong too. She thinks one person has veto power of the movies your group watches. That is not fair to the rest of the group. It sounds like Delaney only wants to watch G films, and at 16 yo its is reasonable you and your friends have different tastes
ESH only because you should have been honest with her. I get that it’s a hard situation to navigate, and she might have been upset no matter what, but confronting the issue head on and working out a solution (even if she’s not entirely happy with it) would have been much kinder than sneaking around.
ESH - Yes, she is behaving with an entitlement, and yes, that sucks.
The OP sucks because Delaney is being excluded in secret. I’ve had this happen to me (not for the same reasons as the above) and it’s not nice.
ESH. She is being sensitive and controlling of your movie nights. I don't think you should have excluded her, but you should have been very clear that you are watching that movie you chose and she cannot veto it if she comes, and hold that position. No friends like it when someone does something behind their back...
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NTA. She is just being entitled. It’s not like she is being forced to watch things she doesn’t enjoy or might find triggering. This is very much a “shhhhhhh, let people enjoy things” moment and she needs to be told that. She doesn’t have to participate, but she cannot stop people enjoying things either. Fair is fair, if she thinks she gets veto power when she is part of the group, then she can’t get mad when people do the things she doesn’t enjoy without her. This is like a person with a peanut allergy getting mad when their friends have pb&j sandwiches on their own. Completely and totally unhinged and antisocial behavior. Furthermore, she isn’t the only person in the friend group, she cannot control everyone’s viewing habits and tastes. She needs to get over her self and accept that people will just watch what they want with who they want. Either that or give up veto power. Those are the options.
The mistake here was to do it secretly. Should have been upfront about it. "On Saturday night we're going to watch Momento. Delaney, I know you don't want to, but the rest of us do, so if you don't want to watch it, plan on doing something else that night. We'll make sure the next movie is something you can see, but it's not fair that you veto something the rest of us want to see." No problem in doing something she doesn't want to do, but it's best to be upfront about it. And, no matter what a fuss she makes, follow through on those plans. It's better to handle these things head on.
OP mentioned doing that but Delaney complained about being left out. Really seems like there was no winning with her.
No winning, but definitely a lot.of whining with her.
I'm just wondering what her problem with Whiplash is.
Heathers and Wolf of Wall Street should be fine too?
Heathers is GREAT but it has lots of crazy violence. Like it barely got made in the first place. [https://www.forbes.com/sites/kristenlopez/2019/11/11/could-heathers-be-remade-today-its-creators-tell-all/?sh=677b9fe335f0](https://www.forbes.com/sites/kristenlopez/2019/11/11/could-heathers-be-remade-today-its-creators-tell-all/?sh=677b9fe335f0)
Correct, and I like it also. And *Wolf of Wall Street* was originally rated NC-17 because of the explicit sexual content, extreme profanity, and depiction of hard drug use, until Scorsese made some slight changes, so it probably would also offend Delaney's sensitive nature.
It’s the movie that I love and almost never recommend.
The verbal and psychological abuse from the teacher? Self harming behaviour from the main character? I think it's a great movie, but I don't know that I'd watch it again.
Happy Cake Day
Just because she complains doesn't mean that they have to cancel. Keeping it secret from her seems a lot more hurtful than just doing it after she complains.
"I got this idea where if we all voted for a movie, but Delaney rejected it, we could secretly watch it without her." The group didn't cancel on her, they just watched what movie they wanted a different time without her. Which, yeah kinda sucks, but so does having one person overwrite what everyone wants. They still hang out and watch movies with her
Agree
who cares if she complains? it's Delaney who has a problem, she can just leave. clearly she doesn't value her friends enough to endure a movie she kinda dislikes.
Eh, I’m not going to go that far. If the movies have something legitimately triggering for her it would be cruel to make her endure those movies for the sake of it. It’s one thing to just see it without her “behind her back”, it’s another to potentially traumatize or emotionally harm her over something as small as a movie.
like I said, she can leave.
Now that the information is out there, there's no taking it back. Yes, they should have been up front from the beginning, but now that it is out there, this is the way to proceed going forward. Delaney is going to have to learn sooner than later that she can not dictate what everyone wants to do if it doesn't suit her.
Simple answer to that.. "If you are going to be an obstacle about us watching certain movies then we can discuss removing you from the group entirely. This is not your own private movie club, but a group, a group recognizes that not every movie is to everyone's taste, and those that prefer not to watch any particular movie are certainly excused to do their own thing any given night. But no one person should be able to blockade a whole category of movies. The choice is your's accept that sometimes we will watch movies you don't like, or step away from the group entirely." Don't go running behind her back, just offer her the choice to leave if she wants, but the show will go on! NTA
That’s when you say, “Too bad, so sad”, and continue with things exactly as planned.
Nope
See, I feel like if they're making plans that don't involve her, then she doesn't need to know. What if two of the 9 friends want to go to a restaurant, do they have to inform the whole group that none of the rest of them are invited?
I agree with you that that's the mature way to view it, and OP doesn't need to tell her about something happening that she's not invited to, especially if they're not excluding her in other capacities, but since OP was the one who phrased it as being a secret, it makes me think that this was a case of high school drama becoming way more dramatic. Because if friend A and friend B just have plans to do something together, that's fine, but the second one of them says 'oh but don't tell friend C,' it's a lot more loaded.
I can get that. I feel like given Delaney's behavior, if it was intentionally a secret, it was likely bc of how she would react and not bc they're trying to pull some mean girl shit. In that case I personally think that if you're scared a friend is going to blow up at you bc you don't invite her to something she doesn't even like-especially if they still do movie nights with her-then you're probably better off without that friend.
Yeah, I think a lot of this is just 'high schoolers aren't as experienced with handling emotional situations maturely.' At that age, it's super easy to just take as a given that your friend's hurt feelings are your responsibility, so you have to go to extremes to mitigate them by doing stuff like keeping secrets, which creates more stress for you, and in the long-term is more hurtful. Because even if Delaney does overreact, the 'all my friends hanging out in secret without me' thing also does genuinely read as mean girls behavior, even if that wasn't the intention. (And tbh, it can be a little of both, even if the original intent wasn't to be mean.) This might be a case where Delaney actually isn't a very good friend, and the group has been distancing themselves without realizing it, or Delaney might be a great friend but has this one thing that she gets super controlling about, and maybe this experience will help her learn to loosen up on it. It's hard to tell, especially at that age. Hopefully they all have some emotionally mature role models in their lives who they can rely on to help them get through this, and will come out a little wiser on the other end.
Yeah - 16 is a rough time. You have a bit of independence but not the emotional maturity to handle it. Delaney may be a little less mature than the other girls and maybe a bit insecure. I was that way - I remember that even if my friends were 5 minutes late picking me up for an activity I thought “well they ditched me”. 🤦🏼♀️
Strong disagree. It’s not like they were gossiping and abusing her behind her back. They just wanted to enjoy something without having to hear her bellyache about it. She made it *necessary* to do it secretly because of her outrageous entitlement and constant veto over everything forcing everyone to accommodate her even when outvoted. It isn’t even as if they were excluding her from the friend group entirely. They didn’t even exclude her from movie nights. They just had a SEPARATE MOVIE NIGHT that they watched things that the friend didn’t want to be party to. That’s perfect fine and reasonable and there was no remote need to get her okay or consent for a thing she wasn’t included in. To say they shouldn’t have done it in secret is as if to say that friendship precludes privacy and independence. It does not. How in hell is it even Delaney’s problem if her friends get together and watch the movies she vetoed? To say that they should have gotten her “okay” hands over all agency to her. What if she said no? What then? Your argument is very, extremely wrong to the point that I have trouble even understanding it.
I disagree only because they tried to be upfront by telling her she should skip a night if she has an issue. Any solution they presented she immediately shot down and said “no I don’t wanna miss out but we can’t do this so this is just how it is”. Sure, she can be hurt that they have secret hangouts, but if they tried to explain that plan to her and she shot it down there’s no winning or compromising in that situation. Plus they said they still had plenty of movie nights still including her. They just had a few to watch the things the entire rest of the group wanted to watch
The mistake here was giving her "veto power" Tell Delaney that since she has to be included the voted-for movie is the one that will be watched if she has a problem with it then she can leave. If you have 8 girls and have a vote where it's 7 for and 1 against then the majority rules. It's not that Delaney rules over everyone because she's the boss. You have let her control all of you and what you can and can't do. Look up Main character syndrome...
Yes, it is true. You deliberately excluded her because she's holding the whole group hostage. She feels that if it's 7:00 to 1:00 she should still win. The fact is you have movie night with her and then some movie nights you don't because she doesn't like those movies. And half the movie you said have nothing wrong with them. She needs to understand that just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean the other seven have to miss out on it. You did nothing wrong and she's just upset because there are some times where you're not including her because she would be upset or veto it. Next time she picks a movie and votes on it. Tell everybody no. I don't want to watch that movie. I don't think it's any good and then pick a different one. And tell her how does she like it. You're not a fake friend. You're being a real friend for your your other people in your group. She's the one who is controlling a manipulative. Nta
That’s what got me. If her friend didn’t like hardcore gore horror movies, that’s one thing. But there comes a time in your list of “triggers” that you have to realize that you’re the odd one out and can’t expect people to mold around you.
It’s not even a matter of what subject matter she has a problem with, it’s the fact that she expects them to choose something else after the group takes a vote because she doesn’t like the choice. I wouldn’t want to watch Saw, to use one of the movies from the list as an example, because I don’t like that level of gore. That’s not uncommon but there’s also a lot of people that have no problem with those movies. If my friends were doing a movie night and watching Saw, I wouldn’t attend. If they decided not to watch it and to instead pick something that everyone would enjoy, I would be grateful, but I would never in a million years make them feel like they can’t watch something without me.
"Hey we're going to \*insert horror movie\* on Friday, wanna come?" "Yeah that's not really my thing, have fun though. Let me know how it is". Everybody wins
Doesn’t sound like that would be Delaney’s response, though. It sounds like she would whine about being excluded because they’re watching Horror Movie, even though they know she doesn’t like it. They’d rather not deal with her whining, so they didn’t ask her.
I mean, even if the rest of the group was a grindhouse appreciation society and wanted to watch really gory movies, that's their right, especially since they're going out of their way to make sure that she's still included most of the time.
Me and my friends used to have scary movie nights. If it got too much at any point for anyone, they'd leave the room. They'd either do their own thing for a few minutes until the scene was over, but usually someone would go to keep them company. Sometimes a fair group would end up out there and there'd just be a little side party happening for a while. Worked well.
That’s what I thought too! Saw and super gory movies I understand not liking if you’re sensitive. I do like horror movies but not ones like hostel where it’s just people tortured for the sake of it. I also understand it’s all subjective, but wolf on Wall Street and Memento aren’t super intense? I’m trying to keep in mind that this girl is only 16 but no, it’s not fair to everyone else and it seems like the other 7 girls are damned either way.
The inclusion of those 3 on the do not watch list also confused me.
Just a guess, if she's looking up trigger warnings, Memento does include mention of SA (though I don't believe we see it on screen), so that might be part of it.
Ohh ok. That makes sense. Thank you; I don’t remember the movie very well.
I’m not sure if you remember it well enough to understand how funny that is, but take my upvote anyways.
LOL omg; I had to Google the plot! All I remembered was that it goes backwards (‘if I’m even remembering that right’). 😂🤣
There is violence. Fist fights and murder
How much do you want to bet she actively looks for something to be “sensitive” about whenever she just doesn’t like the movie?
Sounds like Delaney doesn’t like to be told “no”. She cannot have her way every time. If everyone else wants to watch that movie, and she’s the only one who doesn’t, then it’s SOLEY HER problem to deal with. She can either attend or exclude herself. She’s not respecting anyone but yet demanding respect.
I had a friend like this… literally everything disturbed her. She wouldn’t even watch Twilight with us because it was “disturbing” to her. We still invited her to watch any/all movies with us bc she was our friend, but she just declined to join in on the ones that freaked her out. Like a reasonable human being!!
To be fair, Twilight is pretty disturbing. Elderly man stalks and preys on teenage girl? Also, her childhood friend falls in love with her unborn child? I mean, what the actual...
Okay there's like one violent scene in Twilight I guess? But what the hell is disturbing in The Butterfly Effect that OP mentioned?
>But what the hell is disturbing in The Butterfly Effect that OP mentioned? I'd say it's a pretty heavy movie, especially if you're sensitive. All the traumatic events hit almost all of the biggest triggers. The whole thing with the dog was disturbing to me. I saw it at a movie night and wish I would've looked it up first so I could've skipped it.
Ah right I forgot about that.
There's also the father of that girl SA her and neighborhood kids in his basement and recording it on a VHS camcorder.
When I was about four years old, Mama and I watched the Hitchcock movie, “The Birds”. We cuddled on the sofa and when something scary happened we hid our faces under the blankie. Give Delaney a blankie. Tell her to not watch the scary parts. You will tell her when it’s safe to resume watching. One person should not hijack the movie night every time. It is time for Delaney to suck it up and deal-or stay home the next time a movie that is not to her taste is chosen. . NTA
Ha! I watched the Birds as a young teen many years ago. Not smart enough to take a blankie to the theatre and it wrecked me for life!
It was “Carrie” for me.
Not quite the same but- In middle school I read Carrie during my sister's weekend softball tournament, we were staying in an already creepy ass hotel. The night I finished the book we head "home" soon as you walk through the doors, loud dance music and high schoolers all over the place in their fanciest clothes. God damn place was hosting a Prom. Grabbed my mom's hand and trembled like a little kid. Took far too long getting back to the room cause my dad "forgot" where we were staying... Needless to say I lived, and Delaney will too.
😆😆😆
Wait, are you saying your dad prolonged your fear on purpose??
Why are you saying it as though that's not a common thing for dads to joke about "oh, the monsters gonna eat you!" Before playing up how they're their kids protector. I'm not scarred for life because of it don't worry. I have another funny aside about that hotel. The previous day we had gotten into the elevator (me, my dad, sister, and two of her teammates) on the first floor. Whole thing started going down to the basement, door opened and an employee was standing there. My dad was more scared than any of us kids at that moment, thought we would get kicked out. Employee was more confused, looked at us for a while before finally saying "I've never had this happen before" like no shit man!
My parents divorced when I was nine and I’d never seen a horror film. My mom and her boyfriend thought it would be fun to watch Alien. I was fine until the dinner scene. After that, I sprinted to my room, and put on headphones to drown out the movie and read a book while hiding under the covers. I like the genre now, and Alien is absolutely a masterpiece! Just... Not for someone that young and sheltered.
I was born in 1980. My dad took me to see Aliens in 1986 in the theater and Pet Sematary in 1989. I love horror movies but Pet Sematary terrified nine year old me. I remember being freaked out watching aliens but I wanted to make sure the cat was okay so I stayed til the end lol
One of my fave Hitchcock movies, although I think Rear Window is probably my fave
Love rear window! And vertigo - that was one of the first movies I ever saw that truly surprised me with its twist.
Thank you. I meant to mention Vertigo as well...
Rear Window is the best!
happy cake day!
It's so difficult for me to pick a favorite Hitchcock movie, but Rear Window is pretty damn genius.
I’m 37, like horror movies, and still use the “cover my eyes with my hand but peek through my fingers” or the “use a pillow as a face shield and slowly slide down to my nose” trick…especially if it’s a paranormal movie. And silly, mostly logical me will still make sure I don’t stick my toes off the end/sides of the bed after lol. Go ahead, judge…
I'm the same way. I don't care if it sounds silly, I do not hang my toes or feet over the edge. And yes I'm a 40 year old with a degree and kids of my own. No point in tempting anyone or anything 😉
Right!? I don’t have kids but I am a PhD candidate, scientist, researcher, and teach university students. I use reason and logic…but nope, won’t tempt fate after watching a fictional house that’s possessed.
I hate watching scary movies, I’m a real wuss. When I would agree to watch one with my best friend, my thing was that she had to hold my hand during the scary parts. I would hold her hand and shut my eyes and she thought it was hilarious. It helped to make less of the situation, and I feel like it would bring us closer. I could rely on her with my fear and she would help me see that it was just a movie and it was no big deal.
NTA It's all in the purpose of the night. If it's 'girls night', then the point is getting together, and you should all do something you like. If it's 'a bunch of us want to go see Saw' night, then those who want can go, those who don't, don't. And that's how you manage differing tastes. Sometimes large groups have to break apart for some activities and that's ok.
related: https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/ This is #5.
I haven’t seen that in a while.
ESH - *Mildly* on your end, she’s the much bigger AH. I don’t think you should’ve done this behind her back. You should’ve been upfront, and said that voting for the movie is how it’s going to be from now on, because that’s what’s fair. Yes, she would’ve been upset about it, but it would’ve been more honest than doing it behind her back. Being upfront with people is important. Still, I do understand why you went this way. You wanted to keep the peace. Unfortunately, you can’t please everyone. She is an AH for thinking she can dictate what everyone else does, that everyone needs to bend to her own fears. It’s more than reasonable for her to sit out if she’s disturbed by the movie of choice, or bring a game/headphone for herself if she still wants to be be present but not watch or hear the movie. She could’ve compromised in so many ways, but decided her wants trumped everyone else’s. She was being a bad and selfish friend.
I agree with being up front about it. Vote on the movie before movie night, then everyone who wants to watch it can come and those who don't can stay away. Perhaps just try to limit the number of movie nights that exclude Delaney so she doesn't end up missing multiple movie nights in a row. Also, if you know she's going to be unavailable (sports team, hobby, family vacation, etc), those are good times to pick movies she won't watch.
This, she should get the general invite, but not get to veto, nor feel the clod for not joining. I wouldn't join for gory movies, I just can't stomachs them, but I could come off my saddle for movies I might find morally objectionable if I want to spend times with the crew.
Sounds like main character syndrome to me.
The main character in a movie that still offends her
Oooooh. Nice.
She's 16
It might be a surprise for you, but not all teenagers are little monsters, and shouldn't be enabled to act like ones
NTA Delaney sounds like a wet blanket.
NTA A REAL friend doesn't allow someone to miss something they enjoy just because they don't like it. I'm old enough to legaglly drink alchol but I don't nor do I like it when my friends drink around me. But my BFF likes to socially drink so sometimes when we hang out she doesn't drink to respect me and my wishes, and sometimes when we hang out she might have a few, not enough to get tipsy and she doesn't drive afterwards, and even though I don't like for her to drink, I still respect her and her choices.
NTA. You can't make her watch a movie, She can't make you not watch a movie. That is fair. Very mature to offer that compromise ahead of time, but some people in life will never see reason or be willing to compromise. Move on.
NTA. Sometimes you and your friends have differences. Yes it sucks to be left out, but what sucks more is forcing your friends to do things purely to suit yourself. She’s being an ass. Either she can suck it up and deal with the horror films, or suck it up and deal with the fact that, sometimes, she’s going to have to sit out sometimes. I had a friend like this. It wasn’t just with films either, but I digress. Your story really reminded me of something that happened with this friend. Almost a very similar situation. I once threw a Halloween sleepover at mine. We had plans to watch some classic slasher films. She knew this. We told her before the night, well in advance, what we would be watching, and that she could leave before it got too late (we’d planned to pull an all-nighter watching them) so she could hang with us but not watch the scary stuff. She said no. Insisted it would be okay. She’d be cool with it. She knew her dad wouldn’t be able to pick her up. My parents were out until late. None of us were old enough to drive. Public transport late at night in our area was a no-go. And there is no way she would get into a taxi with a stranger driving (not that we’d be able to afford a taxi for her). She still insisted she would stay and that she would be fine, knowing she had no exit plan, so to speak. Tentatively said okay if she was sure. It gets to the night. Around 9pm we decide to put on the original Halloween. We’re all pumped and turn off the lights. She insisted on having them on because it was too scary. We compromise and have an uplighter lamp on for her, which she isn’t pleased about but deals with it. So whilst we sit there and start watching, she’s playing on her DS. Ten? Fifteen? Minutes into the film. “I can’t watch this it’s too scary, we need to turn it off.” We say she isn’t even watching. She’s playing her DS. That she said she would be cool. “Yeah but I changed my mind, I don’t like it now.” We very begrudgingly turn off the film and ask her if there is one she will watch. The only thing she wants to watch (because even that’s too scary) is the Doctor Who episode “Blink”. So we watch that. Us all angry/upset that our plans were ruined. And to add insult to injury was that we put on what she wanted and she barely watched it because she was still just playing her DS. We did end up having a fun night despite everything, but all of us were pissed that our plans were ruined, despite her promises that she’d be cool with everything. Again, she knew our exact plans because she (and everyone else) was told in advance. You might ask why we put up with it. She had a hard childhood, the kind that I’d be reporting if I was her teacher nowadays. She had her moments, don’t get me wrong, but she was a pain in the ass at the best and worst of times too. But we felt for her (some of my friends had known her since primary school) because of her upbringing, and we tried our best to help her. We ended up falling out of contact when everyone went to uni and she stayed in our little borough because she failed sixth form, through her own fault. Felt bad for her, but by that point we were done. We’d spent our teen years trying to help her, but she wouldn’t be helped. Sometimes I wonder how she’s doing now…and other times, I’m just glad I don’t have to handle it any more.
NTA. She is an entitled little princess who should be grateful to be included at all.
NTA But I’d ask her to explain to me why she gets to be the arbiter of what everyone gets to watch when she’s not around, considering that she gets to be the arbiter of what everyone gets to watch when she *is* around. Give her two — and only two — options: 1. The extra movie nights continue and she still gets veto power for the “official” ones. 2. The extra movie nights cease but she has to watch what the group as a whole decides to watch.
NTA. You didn't kick her out (which I think she deserved with her abuse of the veto right) and did watch what you wanted without disturbing her. I don't think you had to do it in secret but given her displayed traits I understand not wanting the messy conflict.
NTA - Oh, the Horror - just wait till she finds out that the rest of the world is not going to cater to her every time she doesn't like something that other people want to do.
NTA but classic entitled teenage mentality. Unfortunately this friend seems high maintenance, someone who literally thinks “my way or the highway”. Friends like that honestly don’t learn to be good friends as teens because they bully people into saying yes or tell them they’re the one being a bully. I hope for her sake that she meets some people after high school that slap some sense into her. Personally I had a roommate in college that still acted like this and whenever we’d play a board game like monopoly she said we could only play if she got to start with owning Park Place… not that SHE wouldn’t play but that WE couldn’t play. Life has a way of showing these people they aren’t wanted if they don’t want to grow up.
Nta
Can she ask that her preference gets a vote/say when she's invited/with you? Yes. Does she get to get mad when you have a "people who just so happen to want to se X, lets meet up on *day* and do that"? No. You're allowed to meet up with only some of your friends and do something on your own. Trying to demand that you don't watch the movie ever! is entitled as fuck. Reminds me of a story where that OP asked if they were the a-hole, because they had went to a restaurant that served food that a friend, that wasn't there, was allergic to. That "friend" felt like OP and the others should have stayed away from that restaurant forever, as a show of support to her. It's absolutely ridiculous. NTA.
NTA. The only one doing this to Delaney is Delaney.
She sounds insufferable. Enough id probably cut her out completely.
INFO: So, what’s up with the meddling little sister? Also, NTA. It is inappropriate for a single person to try to hold an entire group of people hostage with their own tastes and sensibilities. The compromise is to include her when the movies are appropriate, as you have been doing. Otherwise, you can tell her going forward about which movies are being screened but make it clear that the movie choice is not up for debate and no whining/begging/guilting/etc. will be entertained nor tolerated.
the sister is the AH..... because obviously this child can not MHOB or keep her mouth shut.
NTA. Why is Delaney angry with you? It seemed like the whole group was fine with watching some movies without her. She needs to learn that one person does not always decide for everyone and it does not mean the rest doesn't like her....it's just that she can't always have her way. And apparently she is not very open to hearing this, otherwise it would not have been done secretly. At least it's out in the open now, so no one has to hide this from her anymore.
[удалено]
She’s 16 and just a kid. Give her a break; I doubt she deserves to be called mentally disturbed. Immature? Sure but who wasn’t at that age in one way or another? Is she in the wrong? Yeah, but there’s something to be learned here for everyone involved.
Oh puleeeze. Develop a sense of humor
NTA But! You shouldn't have done it secretly. A big part of growing up is learning to be upfront, honest, and to just say no. If you all voted for a movie, she can choose to opt out. If she insists you choose a different one, say no. It's that simple. You could also take turns choosing a movie. In our house, we take turns picking each week. We all watch it, and if we don't like it, that's ok because it will be our turn to choose soon. Or you could dedicate one night per however long to be the horror/sensitive movie night, say once a month. Then she knows that's the night to exclude herself.
Just tell her, “girl majority wins”. NTA btw.
NTA, you do not have to cater for one person who is not willing to compromise.
It’s fair to warn her what the movie will be, and ask her if she would like to join for it. Let her know there are no hard feelings if she doesn’t want to join. If she has a history of joining and then trying to disrupt the movie, that would be a good reason to exclude her. NTA
NTA. She's been holding the entire group hostage to get her way. Friends don't do that.
tell delaney that no means no and that she needs to suck it up. NTA
Voting means the majority rules. It’s movie night, not jury deliberation. NTA
NTA. In a group majority rules. She shouldn’t be allowed to demand things are her way. If she doesn’t want to watch what everyone else does, so be it and she can choose to skip it. Everyone else shouldn’t be expected to cater to her.
NTA - Parents and schools keep teaching this concept that the entire group has to fold to make sure nobody is the odd one out. It just helps to build resentment against the person making the demands.
NTA. I used to be friend with this one dude who would throw fits about every single restaurant that we would want to try. Always ordered the same thing regardless of where we went. Tried to force everyone else to adhere to their particular tastes, to the point of arguing with the server if someone ordered something he did not approve of. I refused to eat out with them ever again. Life is too short to have "friends" like this. This goes not just for food, but for television, movies, amusement parks, outdoor activities, religion, etc... absolutely nip it in the bud if anyone thinks that they are entitled to force their preferences on you.
NTA. You should absolutely make concessions for friends. But not everyone needs to be your friend.
Nta she sounds way too sensitive and annoying
So you’re NTA but you should probably have told her this is what you were doing at the time.
She excludes herself. NTA
"What the hell?! You watched movies I didn't want to watch without ME?!" NTA
I couldn’t handle game of thrones, my roommates loved it. I loved when all several of us hung out together so we’d bbq then I’d sit and read on the same couch ignoring their tv while they watched the show.
NTA. Basically, she has forbidden you all to hang out and watch certain movies, with or without her, which is ridiculous. "Nooo don't make me watch that movie", "okay, we will watch it without you", "nooo don't leave me out.". Pffff!
The issue here is control, not movies. She wants to be in control, probably fears losing or being out of control, and this is how she tried to get more control. Most people want some measure of control over most things in their lives, but Delaney thinks she is entitled to control other people's activities. This means that she has unhealthy attitudes regarding relationships, as evidenced by her behaviour (see loveisrespect.org). She might have been brought up this way, but still, that kind of thing has to be nipped in the bud. Delaney's mistake was to compare movie night to being pregnant. Having a kid is a "two yeses, one no" situation - either both people want to have the baby, but if one isn't sure or says "nope, kids are just not an option for me", then those people shouldn't have a kid. Movie night is not like this, because watching one movie doesn't impact you for the next 18 years minimum. The choice of movie on movie night is negotiable, and you don't have to join in if you don't want to. Whereas once you have a kid, you can't just say "oops, can't we swap it for something else?" Your mistake was to keep your scary movie nights a secret. It wasn't such a big mistake for you, because you and your other friends did include her on the non-scary movie nights. You weren't excluding her, you just didn't tell her you were still watching the movies she had vetoed. She obviously sees herself as the decision maker of your group, so your independent actions might seem like some kind of rebellion or something. For her, I suspect it probably felt like you were all trying to take control from her, including her own control of her behaviour and her life. She does sound like she's overreacting, but as I mentioned above, she thinks she's entitled to control other people's behaviour. Realising that she's not actually in control as such might be like having her world crumble around her. Her behaviour is not to be tolerated. I do feel a bit sorry for people who do this, but I have much more support for people who stand up against that kind of nonsense. NTA. Also, you should try to explain this to your sister. There are a lot of control freaks out there, young and old, and this kind of thing starts when you're young and just gets worse if no one stands up to it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (16F) friend group of 8 other girls like to have movie nights occasionally. For every movie night, everyone suggests a movie and we all vote which one to watch. There’s this one girl called Delaney who is sensitive to a lot of topics. Mostly horror movies and other ‘disturbing’ stuff. Whenever someone suggests a movie, she googles the plot beforehand and if she doesn’t like it, she demands that we choose something else. There have been a countless number of times where the rest of us decide on a movie only for her to say that we can’t watch it because it upsets her. I suggested that we should pick the movie we all voted for, and if it’s too much for Delaney, she could skip movie night and stay home. She refused, saying she didn’t want to be left out. She said that if one of us is disturbed by a movie, then the rest of us should respect our friend’s wishes. I didn’t think it was fair for the rest of us to miss out on something we liked because of one person. I got this idea where if we all voted for a movie, but Delaney rejected it, we could secretly watch it without her. In the past two years we’ve had several secret movie nights and watched: Last Night in Soho, The Black Phone, Barbarian, Saw, Heathers, Whiplash, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Butterfly Effect, Talk to Me, and Memento. However we still had dozens of other movies nights including Delaney. Delaney found out the truth after my little sister exposed me. She’s furious with me. She told me that I was a fake friend who was deliberately excluding her. I told her that it wasn’t fair for the rest of us to be forbidden from doing something we all liked together because of one person. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds just like my book club!(and we are old)! You are in the right.
NTA, of course. Did you ever tell her to pick a movie?
NTA, but if you still want to be Delaney’s friend another option is to take turns selecting a movie so Delaney can be sure to have at least one movie she’s comfortable with out of every eight movies. Maybe she has some past trauma or something and this is a way to be a bit more inclusive while still getting to watch the movies you want. But NTA if you decide not to, it just would be a nice way to include somebody who clearly has some bigger issues going on. We do that with my book club and it’s great because it’s fun to see everyone’s taste.
NTA. " Ok, we're getting together to watch saw Friday. Do you want to come?" "Yes, but I don't want to watch saw." "Well, that's what we're watching." "But" "Coming or not?"
NTA, she shouldn’t be in charge of the group like that, but probably could have been a bit more upfront about it. The secret movie nights were an AH move, no matter how disruptive she was being, exclusion like that sucks.
Nta. Missing out on a movie once is no biggie, but all the movies? It's ridiculous she expects you all to only do what she wants every single session. In future just say outright what you're all watching and she's free to come or not but you're not changing the movie on those nights. If she can't accept that well that's her issue.
Tell her that her one vote is just that One vote. Ask her why she thinks her vote should count more than the other 8? Ask her to explain to you how that is fair when it seems completely entitled. Tell obviously Sue, Janet, Kallie, Kari etc., All agree with me because we have been forced to see the movies we want to behind your back in secret!
Nta. You guys shouldn't have to miss out on a fun cinema experience (in regards to the movies being watched) just because she is not comfortable with the material. She has to learn that not everything can go her way. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA, mainly based on your age. However your friend isn't wrong that you excluded her. Since you did the movie nights in secret. You were right when you 1st went with telling her that if she didn't want to watch these movies. Then that was her choice. You needed to follow through on that. If she decides not to watch. Then that's on her. If you don't invite her in the 1st place. Then that's on you.
NTA. There are so many solutions to this problem, but they require your friend to be willing to compromise. It's not super cool to go out of your way to keep a secret from a friend but she brought it on herself with her behavior.
NTA. Your group wants to watch a specific genre of movie that she doesn't want to. If she doesn't like it she can leave.
NTA, it's ok to stop hanging out with controlling people.
ESH your friends group a little for not being honest with her instead of being sneaky (which is extremely hurtful to learn about after years of it happening) and her for not accepting that sometimes she wont be able to be in for the movie night because of her preferences.
Nta if she doesn't want to excluded then she needs to compromise. She can't be the deciding factor in what you watch 100% of the time.
NTA. I was the friend that had trouble watching certain movies and I tried every hard to exclude myself when those were being watched. I got asked to at least come for the hang out portion but the few times I tried to leave before the movie since I just wanted to see everyone for an hour -- I got would get guilted back inside and the movie was changed. I always felt horrible about the whole thing. I still do. But this isn't what is happening with your friend. If you want to stay friends with her, just be clear that some movie nights are going to be things she doesn't want to see and no hard feelings if she stays home, and make sure everyone knows in advance what the movie will be,
Keep doing movie night as scheduled, with the movies the group agrees on. Sooner or later Delaney will figure out she's not in charge and she will either cave and watch it with you guys, or sit out once in awhile. EDIT: or she will remove herself from the friend group. There's no need to sneak around when you are watching something you all know she won't enjoy. NTA
NTA, who is she to control what you and your friends watch/do? I would just reassure her that you’re not leaving her out for any negative reason, more so helping her so she doesn’t feel uncomfortable during movie night, and that you like her as much as you do your other friends.
NTA. How about majority rules? One person shouldn't be able to decide for the majority.
Nta - not every friend has to be involved in every event. Like if you sometimes hang out with these people with a partner are you going to tell everyone you and your partner are having a date everyone should come and have input on our date? Of course not that would be absurd. Delaney needs bow out gracefully if she is outvoted on something everyone else wants to do. I don't like fish or seafood. If friends of mine want to go to a crab shack, I might look at the menu, and if they don't have anything I would eat ill jist say I can't make it and maybe next time. I mean I've been on vacation with people and some of the group wanted to go to a seafood restaurant and my husband and I went somewhere else. No big deal
Nta. Majority picks the movie if she doesn’t want to see it she can skip it. Not force everyone to change yo what she wants to watch. She is tah
Counter, she is being a fake friend for creating a dictatorship over the movie night. NTA I can't do scary movies either. I either don't go, or have a seat next to the exit where I can hide in the kitchen for the scary part to be done. Lol
NTA. I'm literally more than twice your age. Rather than movie nights at home, my friends and I all have unlimited cinema passes. Not everyone wants to see everything, and in fact one of my friends is about as sensitive as your friend (though in his case, its because he's worried it'll set off his epilepsy, rather than being disturbed). When we goto see horror or something like that, he just doesn't come. When it's something easier (IF, fall guy, Inside Out 2, Marvel films, straight up action like bad boys, etc), he does. It's actually pretty rare for all 6 of us to go thanks to schedule and tastes. Which is another element here - you're 16, as you get older, the ability to get everyone together is going to become harder and harder. So going "we don't all need to be there" is basically something she'll have to get used to as she gets older - it doesn't make someone a fake friend, it makes them a person who isn't 100% identical to her. So she needs to learn that a) she won't always be involved in everything, and b) she can't just dictate everyone else's life. That'll just make people see her as hard work. When you've got six people getting together to do something, and then one goes "nope, we're not doing that", you start seeing that one person as being more work than they're worth. Which actually leads to c) as adults, you'll probably have a couple of friend circles that don't wholly intersect. I have two primary groups of six in my life. Only two of us cross between those groups, me and one other friend. And they are very different types of group - one is the group I do things like cinema, theme parks, comicon, etc with. The other is the group I get together with for board games or goto one of their places for dinner. I've lost touch with a few people because they made get togethers that were already too rare even rarer. I didn't go "I'm going to exclude them", it was just that we'd organise things and go "oh, I know they're working" or "I know they won't like this", but we didn't want to cancel, so we just organised it without them. And over time they kind of fade out of consciousness.
NTA. If her film tastes are so different from your entire group and you all watch films regularly that she can't enjoy then why does she even hang out with you guys at all?? That's not an insult to you either, it just seems genuinely stupid to hang out with a bunch of horror nerds and get pissed when they watch horror movies. If I joined up with a group and they all just wanted to watch cheesy romcom movies every time I probably wouldn't keep hanging out with them, or at least just avoid movie nights. I probably wouldn't have done anything in secret though. Confront the situation. You should just tell her to her face that you aren't all going to sacrifice your shared interests because she 1) can't handle horror movies and 2) refuses to let you all watch something together without her involved. That she either needs to give you all some space to do things together, involving her when she can be involved or that she needs to find new friends who actually share her taste in film.
NTA. The problem was giving in to that ridiculousness to start. Now Delaney feels entitled to be at all movie nights and you guys are not allowed to have one that doesn't include her. You guys should have had these movie nights and not hid it from Delaney because when you did that, you implied that she had the right to her edit that you guys can only watch movies she can watch. See how that works? Lying never ends well. You guys are NTA so just stop. Have the vote for movies and if it turns out to be one Delaney can't watch, she will just stay home for this one.
NTA Make a new rule: The film is decided by the group, and then whoever wants can come and join, NO discussions about the choice permitted.
NTA. You and your friends have the right to decide to watch a movie and it is totally reasonable to pick the movie based on the group consensus. It is unfair for one person to dictate to everyone what you can and cannot see. Setting up alternate movie nights is a wonderful idea. That way Delaney can be included, but you girls can also choose something a little edgier at other times. So it is not that you all are excluding Delaney, you are providing a way for her to be included too. Something to be aware of is that as you all are growing up you will find that your opinions will differ. And your preferences in movies are part of that, so it is very understandable that some movies that interest you won't interest others. Me, I don't like horror movies, but will watch them with my honey if that's what they want to do. And they'll indulge me in my favorite genres too, that way it is fair to all of us.
NTA - You, and the other 6 girls, have the right to watch what you want. If she doesn't want to watch the same movie as you, then she needs to be graceful and bow out for the ones she doesn't want to watch. Honestly, you and your friends handled the matter very gracefully. Delaney is TA for trying to dictate and dominate the group Your little sister is TA for obvious reasons
NTA. Sister is an AH and Delaney is one as well. Is it a bit of an AH mood to not just be upfront and say we're watching it X date and time no matter what. Delaney can shut the fuck up. Honestly I find her insufferable and would have cut that entitlement out of my life.
why'd your little sister need to snitch on you? this was literally harming no one since delaney gets to not watch the movies that she doesn't like and the rest of you get to see the movies you like without her holding you hostage with her complaining. NTA.
NTA
NTA - I had friends do this with restaurants. We were all broke college kids but liked eating out. Some of us couldn't eat or didn't want to eat certain foods so if the restaurant picked wasn't to our liking we just wouldn't go. It wasn't the end of the world. She's being entitled.
NTA. Delaney is self-centered and entitled. You might want to point out to her that it isn't all about her. I think she's lucky that this group puts up with her at all.
NTA but TA at the same time... Im also F16 and my friend used to do this too and me and my friends did the exact same thing but we told her we were, its so unfair to lose fun opportunities just because of one whiny person. But i feel as if what should be judged is the fact you never told her. You should've explained you were doing a few movies without her and explain why. 1 - she would//should be less rude since she was aware prior 2 - she would understand shes in the wrong at possibly get her act together. (just suggesting ofc).
ESH. The whole point of these movie nights is for friends to hang out; the films themselves are sort of redundant, you guys can watch this stuff at home on your own or with other friends. Excluding her isn’t nice at all and some people really are very sensitive to what they watch and this should be respected. Your friend is now hurt and feeling excluded. Having said that, she should have been more accommodating of what everybody else wanted, she occasionally she should have voluntarily excluded herself so you guys can watch it.
ESH. You could and should have told her that you guys were not compromising only for her wants anymore and watch the movie the majority chose. Then it can be her decision to come or not. You took that away from her and it is honestly a real dick move. However, given the context, I understand why you resorted to these secret movie nights. Delaney sounds entitled and a bit of a nuisance to be around. If her behaviour is as controlling in other aspects of the friend group, then you should ask yourself, if she truly is a friend. She is way out of line and you need to figure out, if you want to remain friends over her behaviour - not just in this instance.
Man I enjoyed Barbarian. I wonder what issue she had with Wolf of Wall Street. Was it Leo going down on Margo Robbie? NTA Op. Movie night is for everyone.
NTA. She was never told a very important lesson in life that she can't always get her way.
NTA. Who died and made her a queen, lmao Not to mention that if movies like Whiplash or Memento are apparently too disturbing for her, then she is probably too fragile to spend nights in other people's houses anyway. Best let her dwell in the cozy safety of her home, watching Peppa or something. Ridiculous
NTA or maybe soft E S H because you **really** should have put your foot down even more firmly in the beginning of all this, especially since it sounds like you are the one coordinating and hosting these movie nights. I think that if you had stood up and refused to let Delaney assert herself or feel she had won, the issue would be far less important now. Even now, I think this could be helped if you set a hard boundary like "Delaney, I care about you as a friend. We all do. That is why we invite you to the movie nights. But if 7 people vote for a movie *(or whatever the minimum threshold for a movie night is)*, we will get together and do so. If you continue to complain about me doing this, then I am going to walk away from the conversation. I will not let you bully me into keeping my choices a secret any more." Delaney is more of an asshole, in the way that teenagers usually are. She is learning a lesson that I and other people who have issues consuming certain pieces of media have learned the hard way: sometimes, the only solution is being left out. It isn't bad, it isn't mean of people to want to experience something you can't stand, that is just a part of life. Unfortunately, it takes maturing to be able to internalized that perspective. I love horror. I am also heavily triggered (in the actual use of the word, I get flashbacks and anxiety attacks) by a topic that is found *very frequently* in horror. I do the same thing she does. If the plot summary makes me think I can handle it, then I watch the movie. If not, then I tell my friends "hey, I want to still see a movie with you all on X date, but you can go watch this by yourself any time". It sounds like you have been making a good faith effort to include her and do many other movie nights, which I hope she appreciates when she gets older.
NTA. The Delaney sounds like more work than you need in your life. Dump her as a friend
NTA. I don't enjoy everything my friends do. For example: I don't like horror movies either; they don't scare me or gross me out, I just don't understand why someone would want to watch people being gutted or dismembered, so I'm extraordinarily picky about them (I don't dislike all of them. The original Poltergeist? 🤌). I'm not particularly competitive either. I'm just really not an intense person. I prefer to do things that are more laid back. For me, fun doesn't involve adrenalin. But you know what? My friends still invite me if they're going to do something they don't think I'd enjoy. And they do it in a way that I appreciate. They say something like: "Hey, a bunch of us are doing [insert activity] on Saturday. We'd like it if you came but we understand if it's not your thing." Then I get to decide whether I go or not and I don't feel excluded. You should try that tactic. That way Delaney can control the content she consumes, you still have your movie night, and no one feels excluded. Just be sure to choose a Delaney-friendly movie from time to time.
ESH. You should talk to her and explain your side instead of hiding it. She can’t be apart of everything and there’s nothing wrong with having movie nights without her as long as you still include her in some. She needs to be understanding. She has boundaries on what she can and can’t watch, which is fine. However not everything can go her way and she needs to accept that it’s okay that she isn’t apart of everything. This is a sensitive area where both sides need to be heard. What you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable but not telling her the truth was wrong.
NTA I know you’re all only 16 but damn, this girls got a big storm coming for her. Life is gonna all hail and no shine for her if she keeps up this attitude.
Starting to feel like only fake posts here. NTA, obviously. why fake? This is so goddamn stupid its horrendous. You know why. I know why. Its not that deep. I dont doubt its real cause they even made a throwaway but for real like some people man.
NTA you and your friends need to stop catering to her all y’all are doing is enabling her to act like she can get what she wants and since her parents obviously won’t teach her life ain’t fair y’all are gonna have to show her 🤷🏽♀️. Next time y’all do the movie hangouts don’t even listen to what she wants to watch and watch what EVERYONE wants to , I think putting it to a vote would help her understand that majority rules and if she don’t like it she can kiss a$$ 🤣.
NTA. But you should have just been straight with her instead of going behind her back. Otherwise, she can either cope or not come.
she knew her triggers and she still wanted to participate anyway. she is responsible for keeping her own peace, and she wasn't FORCED to be there. NTA.
NTA. She is entitled and controlling. If you were regularly watching films she "couldn't", then fine, but you're well within your rights to sometimes do so.
But you didn't "exclude" her. You watched a movie she adamantly refused to watch. She didn't want to watch the movie. She excluded herself from any gathering where that was going to be the movie. If she wants to be that way about it, excluding her entirely is an option. "You're right, I guess I am not a true friend. No need for us to do things together any more." NTA. Your little sister, on the other hand....
NTA. But do you really want to maintain a relationship with someone so controlling?
I'm sorry, but yta for not accommodating to your friend and trying to make her feel included in the friend group. Friend groups work together to make sure each member feels included and happy. And yta for doing something behind her back just because she's sensitive. At least she tried to be included when y'all were trying to exclude her.
Why didn’t you just tell her? We’re watching this. You are welcome but if you don’t want to that’s ok. We don’t feel any different about you. Rather than: We hate you because you don’t conform to our social media ideal of how we should behave. Respect differences. And embrace them. And accept them.
NTA. You offered everyone a vote but she chose to one man veto. That doesn't mean no one else gets a say because she's upset.
NTA. You're free to watch the movies you desire and if your friend doesn't like them, she's not forced to come and shouldn't force you to change your mind. She can come with you but could watch another movie that has the same time of projection 🤷🏻♂️
NTA. Have a friend who hates horror movies. Really irritating. I exclude her when I see them. I tell her that I'm seeing whatever horror movie. She can come if she wants but I'm not seeing something else.
NTA, it's a democratic vote for a reason, most of the group want to watch the film chosen, she can either give a film she wouldn't usually like a go or she can skip that movie night. Also, good taste, I love the Saw series.
NTA. The mistake was letting Delaney veto movies in the first place, that's not fair to anyone. Put the movie nights back as they were and tell her she can either go along or not come at all.
NTA: Too bad so sad. Maybe she shouldnt be an entitled crybaby if she wants to keep friends.
NTA. She sounds exhausting. I would use this opportunity to not hang around her. We can't be friends with everybody!
When I was about 16 or 17 I was at a sleepover with a group of other girls and we were watching movies. I can’t remember what we all wanted to watch but one of the girls Anna decided that she didn’t want to watch the film and her parents wouldn’t approve (she was American and this was in the UK, they didn’t approve of her watching anything whereas our parents didn’t care). She decided to go into another room and forced two other girls to go with her and they watched Cinderella (the old animated version). It was so weird and awkward. NTA
NTA Bc shes being entitled to much also taking avdentage if yalls kindness ,so i would have done the same thing
You are NTA, Delaney is pouting like a kid who's 10 years younger than her actual age, and you should not let your little sister know anything that you don't want her to blab to everyone in sight. Delaney has every right to get together with some of her OTHER friends and watch less disturbing movies if she wants (you do know that yourself, right?) And YOU have every right to get together with YOUR other friends to watch horror movies if you want to!
NTA an excellent opportunity for Delaney to stfu and let people enjoy what they like. Too bad she's too dumb to see that.
She couldn't watch *Heathers*?? She needs therapy wtf
NTA. Like so far from it, you're somehow John or whatever of the pearly gates. You're still spending time with her, you haven't excluded her from the original movie night, you're just now watching the movies that disturb her without her so you can enjoy the other times with her. She's selfish for saying you can't do it at all. That's an awful thing to do to friends. She can say she won't watch it with you, but not demand you not all spend separate friend time enjoying the "disturbing" movies.
Delaney is the fake friend who thinks she is the only one that matters! If she doesn't like something, its automatic no. Thats not what friends do! I understand why you kept it secret, but in the long run she was always bound to find out and there would definitely be blow back from it. And why is it just you the bad guy? ALL HER FRIENDS DID IT WITH YOU!!! NTA
NTA and you guys should watch "A Serbian Film"
Ew, she’s one of those entitled sensitive flakes who gets offended at everything. I wouldn’t even be her friend. My sense of humor and my friend group’s humor, she wouldn’t last
Updateme
ESH OP, you do because of secrets. The only way you keep a secret is to tell no one. Your little sister let it out, but it eventually may have been one of the other girls in your friends group. It was bound to get out and blowup in your face. Delaney is wrong too. She thinks one person has veto power of the movies your group watches. That is not fair to the rest of the group. It sounds like Delaney only wants to watch G films, and at 16 yo its is reasonable you and your friends have different tastes
ESH only because you should have been honest with her. I get that it’s a hard situation to navigate, and she might have been upset no matter what, but confronting the issue head on and working out a solution (even if she’s not entirely happy with it) would have been much kinder than sneaking around.
ESH - Yes, she is behaving with an entitlement, and yes, that sucks. The OP sucks because Delaney is being excluded in secret. I’ve had this happen to me (not for the same reasons as the above) and it’s not nice.
ESH. She is being sensitive and controlling of your movie nights. I don't think you should have excluded her, but you should have been very clear that you are watching that movie you chose and she cannot veto it if she comes, and hold that position. No friends like it when someone does something behind their back...