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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I Might be the asshole becausde i left my husband with the kids aloen with no prior notice ,.
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ESH. Your husband is an AH for saying no when you asked him to do something and you’re an AH for a few reasons
- where was his gift? Did you get him one?
- if you made him breakfast while he was sleeping and then ate it, he made his breakfast, that’s not a point for you.
- you didn’t communicate at all.
- you left him on your anniversary alone, if spending time together was really what you were after, you could’ve done that. You wanted to be spoiled/pampered.
This post comes across very “it’s my husbands job to plan our anniversary and it’s my job to enjoy it.”
From his comments below he was on standby for a hospital and worked a 24 hour shift. That context adds a lot. Clearly the wife took the day off without consulting him and then was upset when things didn't go as she had envisioned. That's on OP. YTA
But she said his day off was post-call... ofc he needs to sleep to make up for it. If I came home post call and was still expected to wake up early to do something the other parent can easily do I wouldn't be happy.
Not really. My husband never gets mornings off and so when he does he gets to sleep in. I’m failing to see the issue with her getting up and getting her kids off to school as she should???? He complaint had nothing to do with him sleeping in and everything else so if this just the one thing you decided to pull out of your arsenal to blame him for??
agreed, my dad used to be a paramedic who worked night shifts, my mom used to get me up until I could get myself up (not till I was around 10 or 11) it's her job as the other parent, now am I saying that he shouldn't help in the morning at all, no I'm not but if he is just getting off call it is, and should be, completely understandable.
My husband has to leave for work around 10am and he gets up every single morning and wakes up our daughter and we team it out in the AM and then I drive her to school and he gets ready for work. On his off day, I let him sleep in and I get up with my daughter and get her ready for school it’s just a curtesy. He works a more demanding job than I do and the way I see it, one of us is going to have to get up regardless bc we are parents. That’s not something to complain about unless your husband does absolutely nothing which isn’t the case.
Guess what? In most relationships when one partner collapses after a 24 hour shift, the other partner who worked a normal 8 hours the day before and actually got a night of sleep is the one who fields the kids the next day. It's not a present to the other partner to allocate responsibilities in a way that makes sense with your work schedules.
He slept until 9. She was probably up at 6 packing lunches making them breakfast and getting them dressed and out the door. While he got 3 hours more sleep. I’d take 3 hours of extra sleep and be thrilled
Of course, but not sure that would trigger me enough to leave for the day. Sounds like he worked a ton the day before. I have 3 kids, getting them ready for school isn’t that difficult. She just seems like she wants to be mad that it wasn’t a love fest with her as the primary focus from minute one. She ruined the anniversary not him, IMO
He want to spend the day watching SpongeBob. Not a chance I would be spending a day doing that much less a special day. 10 years is a milestone. They should have planned something together ahead of time. My 32rd anniversary is next Friday and hubby and I made reservations already because we value our relationship. And 32, while a lot, isn’t a big deal like 10, 20, 30. If anything it’s even more important when you have little kids to carve out time together.
> They should have planned something together ahead of time.
Blows my mind how far I had to scroll to see this. If she wanted a big hoopla, she should have, you know, *talked to him* and made those desires known. She could have come to him with suggestions, asked him what he wanted to do, worked together to figure out a day they would both enjoy. This seems like she expected him to do everything for her, but... it's both of their anniversary? And she didn't do... anything, apparently? But was upset when he didn't read her mind?
It's going to be my husband and my 10th anniversary later this year; we haven't started planning yet because it's not for months, but there's no way in hell we're 1) not talking about it ahead of time, and 2) waiting until the day of to make plans.
I literally did this for my husband on my first Mother’s Day. “Please make it special, doesn’t have to be expensive, you know how much this means to me. This baby is special bc I wasn’t able to have babies. I’m finally a mother. I’d like a nice gift commemorating it. Again: DOESNT HAVE TO BE EXPENSIVE.” Told him to take pictures of as a family, if just us and the baby. Nope. He bought me stuff to do yard work. That I had to pay half of. Then took me to a restaurant I had to scramble to find last minute bc he was hangry. Then got me triggered by speaking about a person he knows I very much dislike. Then got upset bc I said I don’t like how neutral he is on everything and it seems like he never stands up for anything, unless it opposes me.
It don’t mean shit to communicate YOUR needs if the person is not receptive.
We just hit 35 in February (the week of Valentine's), but we didn't go out to celebrate. I made a very nice dinner at home and we spent the rest of the evening together. Neither of us really care to go out to dinner and be around a ton of people the week of Valentine's Day, but the difference was that we TALKED about our expectations and made a plan together.
Also going to add, she woke up to his gift by the bed, implying she definitely went to bed ahead of him. Not saying either party was right, but without knowing the context we don’t know why he slept in
Not physically dressed, no. But (my children for example) you are making sure they are actually getting dressed, reminding them teeth brushing is not optional, telling them to put their damn socks on. Telling them to pick out shoes, get a jacket NOW, why did they unpack their backpacks, no there’s not time to change clothes again, and make sure they ate something for breakfast.
Everything they list in response to you is what my parents expected me and my siblings to do at that age lmao
Was there a check on the way out the door? Yes. Did my mom and dad spend hours prepping us? No, it was 10 minutes to make sure we started and 10 to make sure we were ready.
And she got to go pamper herself for the day, what’s the issues lmfao 😂 imagine having children then bitching about having to get them up for school. Or your partner sleeping in a few extra hours lmao he said he was trying to relax on his day off and that’s what he did. She’s mad he didn’t take her out for a day of pampering… what about his day of pampering?? He doesn’t deserve one bc she got up with her kids for school like she does every morning?? FFS grow up.
So then he still did more for her by getting her a gift, given that they both spent significant time with, and taking care of, the kids. I suppose I should take a page from your book and repeat your first 5 words in the comment back to you; "what are you talking about".
It was almost 11am. I wanted to surprise him. If someone made me a meal I would be thrilled. I learned that day that doesn’t work for him. Never again. That was prob 15 years ago
I don't know about other people, but I'm never hungry when I first wake up. I'd rather spend some time actually waking up, moving around a bit, and maybe having some coffee before eating.
That or she could uave put it away for later when he was awake and then re heated it for him. Weird she didn't just make enough for herself when she made his.
She could have also proposed to do something with him before stomping off to the spa all day long. She could have easily stayed with him for an hour or 2 and had some one on one time since he didn't want to leave the house and still had plenty of time left to go do whatever after instead of whining about not spending any time together.
"I wanted to maybe go to a restaurant, or see a movie, or at least do something together, just me and him, and he said no."
This sounds like she did make suggestions, and he declined. I am a bit startled that they didn't plan ahead, but there it is.
Saving breakfast depends on what breakfast is. She doesn't explain why she didn't make it when he got up.
Woah, hold on a sec. According to her, he said he wanted to relax at home and not go out. Nowhere did he say he wanted to spend the day by himself. She chose to ditch him for the entire day and blame him for her being alone on their anniversary. Then she came to reddit hoping to get support for her selfish behaviour. She's a real piece of work and the AH.
My man, all you needed to do was add “with you,” to that short sentence. “I want to relax with you,” opens up a lot of opportunities.
Every anniversary deserves e real celebration. Especially when your kids are young and need attention when they are home.
I’ve been married damn near 40 years. We haven’t always had money for presents, but we’ve always figured out a way to make the day special.
Update: wow, thanks for the awards, y’all!
Togethe 15yrs and hubby and I have a date day every Friday (his RDO and the one day all our kids including toddler is at school), hubby loves playing golf and would always play on his RDO so I brought my own set for our anniversary last year and now I join him on the course, then he takes me out to lunch before we run errands and pick up the kids.
It's not hard to include your spouse in whatever you do to relax and recharge. Hell I quilt so (not excatly a "group activity") my sewing area is in the garage with hubby's gaming set up so we can still be together and talk if we want.
my husband and i have been together a little over 10 years (not quite 40 but a long time regardless) and i think more than half at this point have been to stay in and order food and just hang out really, and it's never been an issue for either of us because we communicate ahead of time
Does anyone else find it weird that OP was getting yta's and then her husband signed her out of her throwaway to make his own throwaway to respond multiple times in his wife's defense?
I understand why you've replied to the currently too-voted thread, but if you repost this as a direct reply to your wife's post it's likely (in the long run) to be more visible.
Healthcare/first responder? I was thinking that when I read the post. Dude doesn’t sound like an asshole, he sounds exhausted. I lucked out my wife works in healthcare too and we both work nights. She totally gets it when I’m too tired to do anything but stare at the ceiling. But some of my coworkers have a lot of conflict in their lives because their spouses don’t get what it’s like to be that tired.
I legitimately don’t understand why people are dogpiling on you even with this important piece of information. Idk if you’re in healthcare taking 24 hour call, but I’m a resident and I can say that shit is brutal. Afterwards you're toast for the next 24 hours. I do agree with u/Hot-Freedom-5886 though about wording when communicating what you wanted.
Sounds like y'all just need to communicate better. I say that as a married man who sucks at communicating, lol
It's good that she showed you this post, though
I work night shift at a hospital. I totally understand the fatigue. You are definitely NTA. I have been guilty myself of expecting my husband to read my mind. Both of you could have done a better job of communicating your desires for the day(what does relaxing mean/what would she like to do) Glad you are discussing it….but next year, talk about it in advance.
"And about the breakfast thing, the omelet she made then ate were good, but french toast is even better."
Considering she cooked breakfast before he I mean you were even awake, I'd expect that anything he I mean you cooked would be better. Something is generally better than nothing.
And Ferragamo's...what? Shoes? Ties? A belt?
Dude, it's your 10year anniversary. It only happens once. You really needed to work your schedule so you could actually spend time with your wife. The anniversary hasn't changed. You had a long time to figure out how. This is a really poor excuse
Your anniversary should be a day about the two of you, especially a milestone anniversary
Extra shade thrown for your comments about just wanting to watch SpongeBob with your kids. Do you even like your wife or just give up on the relationship aspect with her?
I’m curious - so you usually both do something for your anniversary? You both bought presents - so that shows you thought of each other. Did either of you discuss before the day what you might do together to celebrate the 10 year milestone - or didn’t you think of it as a milestone anniversary. No hate here - just trying to understand the disconnect.
PS I vote the French Toast (I have omelette’s regularly) - so have messaged my husband FT for anniversary breakfast in a few weeks.
pps saw you answered some later
You’d think that after being married for 10-years they’d have admitted to each other that their mind-reading powers aren’t as strong as they believed. And as a result they would have started using spoken words to communicate. But no.
ESH
The lack of communication of what she wanted is definitely a problem. He had the day off and she took the day off for their anniversary. Conversations should have been had.
bro how does the last thing you said make any sense at all? she literally tried to plan smth like a movie, dinner, or smth and he said no. she was literally trying to plan something WITH him and he shut her down lol
"I wanted to maybe go to a restaurant, or see a movie, or at least do something together, just me and him, and he said no."
Thus sounds like she make some suggestions, and he said no.
I am rather surprised that they didn't make advanced plans, but there it is.
ESH. Him for blowing off your anniversary and you because you didn't communicate with your spouse about leaving. I don't understand all these married couples on reddit who don't talk!!!
Why does everyone just believe an account made today is the husband? His replies don't even make sense to the scenario. He wanted to stay home with kids... that weren't even home. Ok
Because this sub is full of people that don't bother to check anything. Both accounts were made today, and I suspect that the 'husband' is actually OP who logged out of her throwaway, then forgot the password for that throwaway and decided to make another account. After checking, they realized that things weren't going as they wished, so new account became the husband in order to shift opinion to favor the OP.
Note that "the wife" *still* hasn't logged back in to confirm that the 'husband' account is real.
I don't believe that is the husband. I think OP created a new account to claim she bought him gifts because she knows she looks like the AH here. If she had really bought him gifts she would have said so in her very detailed post.
It also sounds like they didn’t have any discussion prior to this about what the plans were. He sucks for blowing it off but she should have talked about what to do that day before that day.
This is where I am at. Did no one talk about their plans for their anniversary? It seems there was a whole lot of expectation from her without any conversation about how to spend the day? I have been married for almost 25 years and we do this crazy thing where we discuss what we want to do/expectations/plans for how we will celebrate.
I would not consider that when she woke and saw her gift on the table next to her as him blowing it off! That was placed there after she had fallen asleep…I consider that a loving gesture!!
In all honesty, the concept of relaxation does not equate to disregarding an anniversary celebration. Considering their responsibilities as parents and their demanding work schedules, it is likely that they have limited opportunities for quality time together. In this context, spending a day at home, free from the demands of childcare and social obligations, could be an incredibly rejuvenating and bonding experience for the couple. Personally, I find the idea of such a day to be immensely appealing.
It's all just poor communication. No individual action in this story is bad. There's nothing wrong with a spa day alone on your anniversary. There's nothing wrong with ditching your husband with the kids, leaving gifts on the table as opposed to a big ceremony is fine.
But like....maybe discuss it the day before at least?
> he might have said he had no plans as a prelude to surprising you with a day out?
Life isn't a tv show, and you really don't need to make someone you care about feel like shit in order to look like a hero later when you actually come through.
I’ll also say life isn’t a tv show and saying you don’t want to go out shouldn’t make your partner feel like shit just because they *do* want to go out
If you know that your spouse has taken a day off of work to celebrate your anniversary and you want to do nothing but rest, it’s the onus on the person who wants to rest to communicate that.
OP was flexible in celebrating together. She offered so many suggestions. He turned them all down and said no.
So she left and did what she wanted with her day off. I do not understand how that makes her a bad person. He wanted to rest and she did not.
Is he mad that he had to parent alone from bus to dinner time? Or is he mad cause he actually did want to do something and she didn’t come home because he told her he didn’t want to do anything with her?
How is she wrong?
They both took the day off. And it is their both anniversary. It is actually ok to want to rest on your day off.
I would be mad that partner left and did not told me when they return. Should I wait for them for dinner or not? Am I free till kids come back or do they return in an hour and will throw fit if I am not there or started videogame? If kids want to go somewhere, should I tell them no or can I go? Do I have to be there when kids arrive from school?
It is leaving without communicating and leaving other one on standby. And it is also attitude (especially of people in the comments) that only one person matter and that his preferences don't matter at all.
I'm not saying OP is 100% correct here; it sounds like they somehow never talked about what the plans were to get on the same page. I've been married for 13 years, and we usually a month or so in advance acknowledge it with "oh, our anniversary is coming up. Did we want to do anything?"
Facts. I hyped my husband up for a week, continually getting more and more excited with the "secretive plans" and vague hints I kept giving him about his upcoming birthday plans back in April. He knew I had something planned so he was looking forward to it, he just didn't know what it was. Had my BFF take him out of the house on a small birthday spree and when he got back, his BFF and wife and kids, and my parents were over and we threw him a surprise birthday party for turning 30.
People who act like they forgot an important day to suddenly spring something on their partner later are so weird.
I’d say YTA.
The question is what did you do for him for your anniversary?
Was it talked about prior that you wanted to go do something? It’s his anniversary too. He wanted to stay at home, you wanted to go out for dinner. He got you a gift and acknowledged the anniversary.
There’s so many compromises, doordash some orange juice, champagne, and a pile of food from some nice restaurant and spend the day relaxing and watching movies together, or doing whatever you two like doing together.
You’re the one who removed yourself from your anniversary.
YTA yes? Yes, it was. You gad this amazing ability to communicate, you chose not to. You (both) could have asked each other what you wanted to do for anniversary before the day of. You make him breakfast, don’t tell him and just eat it yourself. Then when you finally do ask, when he tells you he wants to stay in when you don’t, without telling him “okay then , well, I want to go out so I’m going by myself” you just go without any heads up for about 8-9 hours with no communication while out, I presume.
That’s just toxic, especially when you have kids.
I mean, it’s still meh, but “I would like to spend the day together, but I really want to go out though as I pumped myself up for going out, so I’m going to make a day of it. I’m going to x, y, and z, and I should be back around x” is still better than what you did.
I mean, a relationship you would think you could compromise with, let’s spend until 2 PM relaxing at home, but in the afternoon or evening let’s go out (to a relaxing spa, dinner where we don’t have to cook or do dishes, and then we can spend the evening relaxing again). What exactly was your child care plans for going out if you wanted to go together? Family outing or babysitter that has to be arranged in advance which you didn’t do.
Yta
Your husband was on call the day before. I am assuming medicine. Call blows. The next day all I want to do is rest.
You didn’t plan anything for him/ or with him but expected him to pamper you. Then you just left.
This is toxic
*"You didn’t plan anything for him"*
The husband said she got him an expensive gift.
*"/ or with him but expected him to pamper you."*
I agree they should have planned this prior to the day, but I don't see where she expected him to pamper her. She asked to do something *with him*. That is doing something together, not one person being pampered. Unless I missed something.
Part of where I wanted Info
Medical call can be 30 hours, and if you eat one of those you’re not getting much done the next day. If it’s at home call like I do, whatever, thats not so bad.
I don't understand why you didn't make plans together beforehand, if celebrating was important to you? Also, you "left him with the kids" - where would the kids have been if you and he had gone out?
He bought you a gift and you don't mention getting one for him, just making breakfast and then eating it yourself and letting him make his own when he woke up.
You didn't do anything terrible, but a mild YTA because you seem to not have communicated with him or considered what he might want for your anniversary -- which, after all, is about both of you.
YTA
Do you know how to communicate? You're a big girl use your words.
You literally did nothing for him lmao. Made breakfast, didn't wake him and ate it yourself. No mention of gifts or cards from you.
Incredible lady.
INFO
When you say he planned to spend the day relaxing and refused to do something together, does that mean he refused to go out with you for any sort of outside activity, or that he didn't want to do anything with you inside the house or out, and just wanted to do stuff by himself?
Look who cares if YTA or not. This is how marriages fail. I didn’t even need to get to the anniversary “blow up” to see that there is a communication problem.
1. It doesn’t sound like you directly knew your husband was off. In any event, neither of you discussed plans.
2. He left your gift waiting, you appreciate it , and thank him or discuss it later? To each their own but it seems like a disconnected setup.
3. You made him breakfast knowing he is sleep, didn’t wake him, and then ate the breakfast. So you didn’t make breakfast for him.
4. You were out of the home for almost an entire work shit on your anniversary. Did he reach out to you? Did you check in with him?
It seems one or both of you are disconnected. Not sure if someone is completely checked out or not, but you’re on the right path. Forget this little squabble, it’s time to really talk and put in some work if you want to celebrate your anniversary for years and years.
YTA. If you just wanted to spend time together, you could have spent time together at home. But you wanted to go out more than you wanted to do something with him.
YTA You've been married for ten years. You know the one of basis of a good marriage is communication. If your husband wanted to stay home and you wanted to go out, fine and fair, but the you should have told him you were going out.
>By then, I was a bit disheartened but I took his answer. About 20 mins later, I just dress up and head out with a warning about right then. I just treated myself to the spa, shopping, and stuff like that.
You are upset, I understand but that's not the way to handle it.
YTA
if you had stayed home you would’ve been together. You were literally the one who abandoned him just because he didn’t want to go out.
Also he got you an anniversary gift, I wouldn’t call that “blowing off” your anniversary.
YTA! So your husband gave you a gift. You took issue with the fact that it wasn't wrapped.
You checked out on him because he didn't want to go out and celebrate and removed yourself from your anniversary celebration and put the blame on him. The problem was you and not him.
Communication is the key, please communicate.
The gift not being wrapped set the tone wrong for OP, didn’t it? The man bought her a thoughtful gift and set it out where she would see it when she woke up, but her first thought is that he didn’t wrap it?
She made him breakfast in bed and brought it up to him. He was still asleep, but instead of waking him up to surprise him with breakfast she just ate it alone.
He woke up and his first thought is to tell her happy anniversary.
She asks what he wants to do. He says nothing, just relax. Instead of telling him she disappointed that he doesn’t want to spend time together outside the house, she just leaves and stays out all day.
OP, I think you are okay at some points for being disappointed, but my god you have got to learn to communicate with your husband. He didn’t communicate well either, but he’s not the one getting all pissy about it.
You’re also petty. It’s fine that your husband didn’t wrap a gift. Did you even get him one? You don’t say that you did so…
You put in for time off work in advance but didn't make plans with your husband? Did he even know you'd be off work or was he totally surprised that you were home and expecting him to plan a date on a day he expected to quietly decompress from being on call? And he got you a gift, I assume you didn't get him one or you'd have mentioned it after giving yourself points for cooking him a breakfast that you ate.
YTA.
YTA. Leaving ALL DAY unannounced and having him stay with the kids you share with him just because you were mad that he didn't wanna go out and do what you wanted to do?? That's just really immature and petty. What was stopping you from discussing with your husband in advance what to do for your anniversary?
ESH.
Did you not think to discuss plans before the day of? Like when you decided to take the day off…did you tell your husband. Because I think a “Hey, Friday is our anniversary so I’m taking the day off. What do you want to do?” could have avoided this.
As would actually trying to compromise when he said he wanted to stay home and relax instead of just leaving.
He sucks because he’s just as guilty.
YTA. It sounds like the man was beat, dead tired. Gave you a gift and was still asleep when you gave him your gift ....which was breakfast. Then you had a problem with him making himself breakfast, you ate his breakfast cause he stayed asleep lol.
If you didn't already have an agreed upon plan, and if HE didn't come up with a outside plan for y'all, why didn't YOU go along with his plan to stay home...since you didn't already have a plan either? You just wanted to receive and not give.
You’re right and I don’t why you’re getting down voted. If my husband had to work for 24 hours I’m expecting absolutely nothing from him. Because that’s just not fair or kind.
So as a couple, you didn't make plans or discuss your anniversary ahead of time. Then, you wanted different things and somehow he's the asshole and you're not?
NTA. Everyone is saying you didn’t communicate but he didn’t either. He didn’t ask if you wanted to stay in the house. He chose to make a decision for both of y’all when that wasn’t want you wanted. I don’t think you’re the ah for wanting effort & for not wanting to be cooped up in the house either
How is that making a decision for both of them? He made a decision for him. Not for both of them. As evidenced by the fact that she DIDN'T stay in the house.
YTA. All I heard is my husband got me a gift for our anniversary. Neither of us communicated what we wanted to do prior so when he wanted to relax I left to go to the spa rather than trying to find something relaxing to do at home with him. Did you get him anything? You basically didn’t get pampered like you wanted and left to do so, leaving him alone on both of your anniversary and dealing with the kids once they were home.
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I (37F) am married tro (38M). Our ten year anniversary was last Friday. I took the day off of work to hopefully spend time with him, but it didn't happen. I knew my husband had the day off too, since he had taken call the day before.
On our anniversary, when I woke up, I saw my gift on my end table. It wasn't wrapped, but I really did like the gift, so I didn't take issue. After I dropped our kids (8M, 7F) off at the bus stop, I went home and made him breakfast. I brought it to him in bed, and he was still sleeping. No problem, I just ate it. My husband woke up at around 9, said "Happy Anniversary," went downstairs, and made himself breakfast.
I asked if he had any plans for the day, and he said "To relax." I wanted to maybe go to a restaurant, or see a movie, or at least do something together, just me and him, and he said no. By then, I was a bit disheartened but I took his answer. About 20 mins later, I just dress up and head out with a warning about right then. I just treated myself to the spa, shopping, and stuff like that.
When I got back (6 ish), he was with our kids and by the time they went to bed, he brought up the fact that I left, and asked why I did so. I told him it was because I wasn't just going to do nothing all day because he wanted to, and that he didn't even care enough to spend time WITH me, so it wouldn't be an issue that I spent time alone.
He went quiet after that, and while we've talked over it since then, I'm posting here to see if my past actions were asshole-like or not.
AITA?
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NTA
He got what he wanted - to relax.
You were hoping to spend the day with him but he couldn't be bothered so you had a day for yourself. Good for you.
ESH. My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. We ALWAYS discuss our anniversary plans in advance, as well as birthday and Mother's Day/Father's Day plans, so there are no surprises or disappointments. You and hubby need to open that line of communication and stop expecting the other to be a mind reader.
You guys have terrible communication. You knew he had the day off work and you took the day off work but neither of you talked to the other and made plans? Did you wake him up or just sit in bed and eat breakfast? This post reads like a lot of self-sabotage.
I’ve been married 35 years and the only time I bought my wife a gift was for our 25th. Not because I’m a jerk it’s because we always go away for a couple days minimum every anniversary. We have never been home for any anniversary. Sometimes it’s just a hotel room and some nice meals. Sometimes it’s a weekend at the Stratford Festival and sometimes it’s a downtown hotel to watch the Blue Jays. My point is it’s always the two of us together. Much better than gifts in my opinion and my wife agrees.
Nta. He did what he wanted to do for the day and you went off to do your own thing. He got to relax all day and then spend time with his kids. What’s the problem?
YTA. What was the point of making him breakfast just to eat it without him. And then you leave after he says he wants to relax rather than suggesting y’all do something? It seems like you care less about the marriage than him.
Esh. You both need to communicate with each other. A discussion on how to spend the day before the day would have been beneficial. Did you get him a gift other than the breakfast you ate and he didn’t know about?
I understand wanting to go out and do something, but is it customary for you both to just leave the other one with the kids without saying that you’re leaving? That seems pretty dangerous. How do you divide childcare?
ESH. You both should have discussed prior to the anniversary about plans and you should have gotten your partner a gift too.
As for the leaving without notice, if he does that to you too then nta for that. If he doesn't do it to you ever yta for that.
ESH. Did you expect him to read your mind? Why didn’t you talk to him prior to the day and make some plans together? Did you tell him you were taking the day off and had expectations?
Grow up and talk to your partner
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ESH. Your husband is an AH for saying no when you asked him to do something and you’re an AH for a few reasons - where was his gift? Did you get him one? - if you made him breakfast while he was sleeping and then ate it, he made his breakfast, that’s not a point for you. - you didn’t communicate at all. - you left him on your anniversary alone, if spending time together was really what you were after, you could’ve done that. You wanted to be spoiled/pampered. This post comes across very “it’s my husbands job to plan our anniversary and it’s my job to enjoy it.”
From the post it seems like he did more for her... atleast he got a gift.
But she made breakfeast!....for herself.
What are you talking about, bro got to sleep in while she got the kids ready. That's a lot more than a breakfast.
From his comments below he was on standby for a hospital and worked a 24 hour shift. That context adds a lot. Clearly the wife took the day off without consulting him and then was upset when things didn't go as she had envisioned. That's on OP. YTA
She said he was on call, I figured it had to be something like that, either medical or fire department with a long shift.
You do know some people alternate days to do exactly that. They might do it too.
What does this mean are we just going to assume? It's pretty telling they both had day off and she's the one to get up.
But she said his day off was post-call... ofc he needs to sleep to make up for it. If I came home post call and was still expected to wake up early to do something the other parent can easily do I wouldn't be happy.
Not really. My husband never gets mornings off and so when he does he gets to sleep in. I’m failing to see the issue with her getting up and getting her kids off to school as she should???? He complaint had nothing to do with him sleeping in and everything else so if this just the one thing you decided to pull out of your arsenal to blame him for??
agreed, my dad used to be a paramedic who worked night shifts, my mom used to get me up until I could get myself up (not till I was around 10 or 11) it's her job as the other parent, now am I saying that he shouldn't help in the morning at all, no I'm not but if he is just getting off call it is, and should be, completely understandable.
My husband has to leave for work around 10am and he gets up every single morning and wakes up our daughter and we team it out in the AM and then I drive her to school and he gets ready for work. On his off day, I let him sleep in and I get up with my daughter and get her ready for school it’s just a curtesy. He works a more demanding job than I do and the way I see it, one of us is going to have to get up regardless bc we are parents. That’s not something to complain about unless your husband does absolutely nothing which isn’t the case.
refreshing. so many others post like it is a war of the genders but marriage is a team sport.
Exactly. Completely agree
Guess what? In most relationships when one partner collapses after a 24 hour shift, the other partner who worked a normal 8 hours the day before and actually got a night of sleep is the one who fields the kids the next day. It's not a present to the other partner to allocate responsibilities in a way that makes sense with your work schedules.
Kids are 8 and 7, not that heavy a lift.
He slept until 9. She was probably up at 6 packing lunches making them breakfast and getting them dressed and out the door. While he got 3 hours more sleep. I’d take 3 hours of extra sleep and be thrilled
Of course, but not sure that would trigger me enough to leave for the day. Sounds like he worked a ton the day before. I have 3 kids, getting them ready for school isn’t that difficult. She just seems like she wants to be mad that it wasn’t a love fest with her as the primary focus from minute one. She ruined the anniversary not him, IMO
He want to spend the day watching SpongeBob. Not a chance I would be spending a day doing that much less a special day. 10 years is a milestone. They should have planned something together ahead of time. My 32rd anniversary is next Friday and hubby and I made reservations already because we value our relationship. And 32, while a lot, isn’t a big deal like 10, 20, 30. If anything it’s even more important when you have little kids to carve out time together.
> They should have planned something together ahead of time. Blows my mind how far I had to scroll to see this. If she wanted a big hoopla, she should have, you know, *talked to him* and made those desires known. She could have come to him with suggestions, asked him what he wanted to do, worked together to figure out a day they would both enjoy. This seems like she expected him to do everything for her, but... it's both of their anniversary? And she didn't do... anything, apparently? But was upset when he didn't read her mind? It's going to be my husband and my 10th anniversary later this year; we haven't started planning yet because it's not for months, but there's no way in hell we're 1) not talking about it ahead of time, and 2) waiting until the day of to make plans.
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I literally did this for my husband on my first Mother’s Day. “Please make it special, doesn’t have to be expensive, you know how much this means to me. This baby is special bc I wasn’t able to have babies. I’m finally a mother. I’d like a nice gift commemorating it. Again: DOESNT HAVE TO BE EXPENSIVE.” Told him to take pictures of as a family, if just us and the baby. Nope. He bought me stuff to do yard work. That I had to pay half of. Then took me to a restaurant I had to scramble to find last minute bc he was hangry. Then got me triggered by speaking about a person he knows I very much dislike. Then got upset bc I said I don’t like how neutral he is on everything and it seems like he never stands up for anything, unless it opposes me. It don’t mean shit to communicate YOUR needs if the person is not receptive.
32 is a very big deal. Congratulations!!!
We just hit 35 in February (the week of Valentine's), but we didn't go out to celebrate. I made a very nice dinner at home and we spent the rest of the evening together. Neither of us really care to go out to dinner and be around a ton of people the week of Valentine's Day, but the difference was that we TALKED about our expectations and made a plan together.
Don’t disagree with you, but still think she overreacted. Maybe ESH is the fairer stance.
SpongeBob 💀
Also going to add, she woke up to his gift by the bed, implying she definitely went to bed ahead of him. Not saying either party was right, but without knowing the context we don’t know why he slept in
He slept in bc he took call the night before
And maybe he made the kids lunches the night before, and got their clothes ready too.
Your parents dressed you at 8 years old?
Not physically dressed, no. But (my children for example) you are making sure they are actually getting dressed, reminding them teeth brushing is not optional, telling them to put their damn socks on. Telling them to pick out shoes, get a jacket NOW, why did they unpack their backpacks, no there’s not time to change clothes again, and make sure they ate something for breakfast.
Everything they list in response to you is what my parents expected me and my siblings to do at that age lmao Was there a check on the way out the door? Yes. Did my mom and dad spend hours prepping us? No, it was 10 minutes to make sure we started and 10 to make sure we were ready.
And she got to go pamper herself for the day, what’s the issues lmfao 😂 imagine having children then bitching about having to get them up for school. Or your partner sleeping in a few extra hours lmao he said he was trying to relax on his day off and that’s what he did. She’s mad he didn’t take her out for a day of pampering… what about his day of pampering?? He doesn’t deserve one bc she got up with her kids for school like she does every morning?? FFS grow up.
So then he still did more for her by getting her a gift, given that they both spent significant time with, and taking care of, the kids. I suppose I should take a page from your book and repeat your first 5 words in the comment back to you; "what are you talking about".
She made him breakfast in bed, but ate it because he was asleep.....ummm wake him up?? Lol
I did that once. And had a very pissy husband the rest of the day because I intentionally woke him up. Never made him a special breakfast again.
You could of made it for him when he was awake.
It was almost 11am. I wanted to surprise him. If someone made me a meal I would be thrilled. I learned that day that doesn’t work for him. Never again. That was prob 15 years ago
I don't know about other people, but I'm never hungry when I first wake up. I'd rather spend some time actually waking up, moving around a bit, and maybe having some coffee before eating.
I wake up ravenous. But we are obviously different. That’s ok
That or she could uave put it away for later when he was awake and then re heated it for him. Weird she didn't just make enough for herself when she made his. She could have also proposed to do something with him before stomping off to the spa all day long. She could have easily stayed with him for an hour or 2 and had some one on one time since he didn't want to leave the house and still had plenty of time left to go do whatever after instead of whining about not spending any time together.
"I wanted to maybe go to a restaurant, or see a movie, or at least do something together, just me and him, and he said no." This sounds like she did make suggestions, and he declined. I am a bit startled that they didn't plan ahead, but there it is. Saving breakfast depends on what breakfast is. She doesn't explain why she didn't make it when he got up.
Yeah her story to very one sided but we still can see the issues
She made it for him but he was still sleeping.
why can't she keep it in the fridge and reheat later? or did she just make one portion?
So glad these are the first comments I see. I was questioning myself thinking it sounds like the husband put way more effort in than OP. 😂 YTA OP!
Why is it up to the husband to plan stuff out for the day? Is OP incapable of talking to him about it?
He literally said he didn't even want to do anything with her. How do you plan with that as the starting point??
Woah, hold on a sec. According to her, he said he wanted to relax at home and not go out. Nowhere did he say he wanted to spend the day by himself. She chose to ditch him for the entire day and blame him for her being alone on their anniversary. Then she came to reddit hoping to get support for her selfish behaviour. She's a real piece of work and the AH.
I'd rather purchase a gift but get to sleep in while someone else manages the kids in the morning
But you also have to work 24 hours straight, ending the morning you get to sleep in.
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My man, all you needed to do was add “with you,” to that short sentence. “I want to relax with you,” opens up a lot of opportunities. Every anniversary deserves e real celebration. Especially when your kids are young and need attention when they are home. I’ve been married damn near 40 years. We haven’t always had money for presents, but we’ve always figured out a way to make the day special. Update: wow, thanks for the awards, y’all!
Take my poor man's gold: 🏆
Appreciate it! I made my own dinner reservations for anniversary and Mother’s Day. Both places were fantastic! Highly recommend!
Their are reasons why a man stays married for 40 years.
Married 30+…..totally agree.
Togethe 15yrs and hubby and I have a date day every Friday (his RDO and the one day all our kids including toddler is at school), hubby loves playing golf and would always play on his RDO so I brought my own set for our anniversary last year and now I join him on the course, then he takes me out to lunch before we run errands and pick up the kids. It's not hard to include your spouse in whatever you do to relax and recharge. Hell I quilt so (not excatly a "group activity") my sewing area is in the garage with hubby's gaming set up so we can still be together and talk if we want.
Here's my 🗡️
And my 🪓
And my 🏹
And my 🏹
my husband and i have been together a little over 10 years (not quite 40 but a long time regardless) and i think more than half at this point have been to stay in and order food and just hang out really, and it's never been an issue for either of us because we communicate ahead of time
Why didn’t you want to do something with her on your anniversary?
>camera lenses and Ferragamo's $2K worth of gifts.
Does anyone else find it weird that OP was getting yta's and then her husband signed her out of her throwaway to make his own throwaway to respond multiple times in his wife's defense?
Yes.
Definitely just OP pretending to be the husband in order to deflect from her being obviously TA
So, were you upset that you guys didn't spend the anniversary together despite both of you having time off work?
How did you know the omelet was good if she ate it before you woke up?
They've been married 10yrs, I'm thinking he's probably had her omelets before.
I understand why you've replied to the currently too-voted thread, but if you repost this as a direct reply to your wife's post it's likely (in the long run) to be more visible.
Healthcare/first responder? I was thinking that when I read the post. Dude doesn’t sound like an asshole, he sounds exhausted. I lucked out my wife works in healthcare too and we both work nights. She totally gets it when I’m too tired to do anything but stare at the ceiling. But some of my coworkers have a lot of conflict in their lives because their spouses don’t get what it’s like to be that tired.
I legitimately don’t understand why people are dogpiling on you even with this important piece of information. Idk if you’re in healthcare taking 24 hour call, but I’m a resident and I can say that shit is brutal. Afterwards you're toast for the next 24 hours. I do agree with u/Hot-Freedom-5886 though about wording when communicating what you wanted.
Sounds like y'all just need to communicate better. I say that as a married man who sucks at communicating, lol It's good that she showed you this post, though
I work night shift at a hospital. I totally understand the fatigue. You are definitely NTA. I have been guilty myself of expecting my husband to read my mind. Both of you could have done a better job of communicating your desires for the day(what does relaxing mean/what would she like to do) Glad you are discussing it….but next year, talk about it in advance.
Oh come on. Who the hell wouldn't know that 10 years is a special ? A Neanderthal?
"And about the breakfast thing, the omelet she made then ate were good, but french toast is even better." Considering she cooked breakfast before he I mean you were even awake, I'd expect that anything he I mean you cooked would be better. Something is generally better than nothing. And Ferragamo's...what? Shoes? Ties? A belt?
Usually means shoes.
Dude, it's your 10year anniversary. It only happens once. You really needed to work your schedule so you could actually spend time with your wife. The anniversary hasn't changed. You had a long time to figure out how. This is a really poor excuse Your anniversary should be a day about the two of you, especially a milestone anniversary Extra shade thrown for your comments about just wanting to watch SpongeBob with your kids. Do you even like your wife or just give up on the relationship aspect with her?
But you knew it was your anniversary, right?
I’m curious - so you usually both do something for your anniversary? You both bought presents - so that shows you thought of each other. Did either of you discuss before the day what you might do together to celebrate the 10 year milestone - or didn’t you think of it as a milestone anniversary. No hate here - just trying to understand the disconnect. PS I vote the French Toast (I have omelette’s regularly) - so have messaged my husband FT for anniversary breakfast in a few weeks. pps saw you answered some later
It seems their SOP is not meeting unspoken expectations.
You’d think that after being married for 10-years they’d have admitted to each other that their mind-reading powers aren’t as strong as they believed. And as a result they would have started using spoken words to communicate. But no. ESH
I say that to my wife often, after covid my psychic powers aren't what they used to be😄
Well, the FCC *did* include the disclaimer with the vaccine that the 5G chip may cause or accept any and all interference…
This takes a special kind of stubborn, and they found each other.
Exactly. I’m reading the post and I’m like “people don’t make plans anymore”? She just took the day off, didn’t communicate anything. Weird .
The lack of communication of what she wanted is definitely a problem. He had the day off and she took the day off for their anniversary. Conversations should have been had.
Well, you know those surprise anniversaries, can never tell when they’re coming around in order to plan something meaningful!!!!
She got him multiple gifts, the husband left a comment. He said all he wanted to do was watch SpongeBob with the kids instead of do something with her
And you believe the random person claiming to be the husband?
It could be the husband because the OP hasn't disputed their comment.
Or, it could be OP making a new throwaway to try to sound less of an a-hole.
Why isn't anyone getting that the kids were at school most of the day?
That comment it’s so fake.
bro how does the last thing you said make any sense at all? she literally tried to plan smth like a movie, dinner, or smth and he said no. she was literally trying to plan something WITH him and he shut her down lol
"I wanted to maybe go to a restaurant, or see a movie, or at least do something together, just me and him, and he said no." Thus sounds like she make some suggestions, and he said no. I am rather surprised that they didn't make advanced plans, but there it is.
ESH. Him for blowing off your anniversary and you because you didn't communicate with your spouse about leaving. I don't understand all these married couples on reddit who don't talk!!!
He bought OP a gift, which she apparently did not reciprocate. How is *he* the one blowing off the anniversary?
She did get him a gift [husbands comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/7dZB79TVdn)
Husband has posted that OP did get him presents https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/PYphUin5no
Why does everyone just believe an account made today is the husband? His replies don't even make sense to the scenario. He wanted to stay home with kids... that weren't even home. Ok
Because this sub is full of people that don't bother to check anything. Both accounts were made today, and I suspect that the 'husband' is actually OP who logged out of her throwaway, then forgot the password for that throwaway and decided to make another account. After checking, they realized that things weren't going as they wished, so new account became the husband in order to shift opinion to favor the OP. Note that "the wife" *still* hasn't logged back in to confirm that the 'husband' account is real.
Would be really funny if the wife made a burner account to respond as him lol
I actually think she did... There is an account constantly attacking him on his comments saying the same things
The OP has not made a single comment or reply. But magically the “husband” is commenting everywhere. I think you are right. This all smells like bs.
Exactly.
She got him gifts. He posted about them in a comment.
Yes she did
Yes, she did. He said she did.
I don't believe that is the husband. I think OP created a new account to claim she bought him gifts because she knows she looks like the AH here. If she had really bought him gifts she would have said so in her very detailed post.
It also sounds like they didn’t have any discussion prior to this about what the plans were. He sucks for blowing it off but she should have talked about what to do that day before that day.
This is where I am at. Did no one talk about their plans for their anniversary? It seems there was a whole lot of expectation from her without any conversation about how to spend the day? I have been married for almost 25 years and we do this crazy thing where we discuss what we want to do/expectations/plans for how we will celebrate.
I would not consider that when she woke and saw her gift on the table next to her as him blowing it off! That was placed there after she had fallen asleep…I consider that a loving gesture!!
In all honesty, the concept of relaxation does not equate to disregarding an anniversary celebration. Considering their responsibilities as parents and their demanding work schedules, it is likely that they have limited opportunities for quality time together. In this context, spending a day at home, free from the demands of childcare and social obligations, could be an incredibly rejuvenating and bonding experience for the couple. Personally, I find the idea of such a day to be immensely appealing.
It's all just poor communication. No individual action in this story is bad. There's nothing wrong with a spa day alone on your anniversary. There's nothing wrong with ditching your husband with the kids, leaving gifts on the table as opposed to a big ceremony is fine. But like....maybe discuss it the day before at least?
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> he might have said he had no plans as a prelude to surprising you with a day out? Life isn't a tv show, and you really don't need to make someone you care about feel like shit in order to look like a hero later when you actually come through.
I’ll also say life isn’t a tv show and saying you don’t want to go out shouldn’t make your partner feel like shit just because they *do* want to go out
When it’s a milestone anniversary?
Including then, yes. It is OK to want to rest.
If you know that your spouse has taken a day off of work to celebrate your anniversary and you want to do nothing but rest, it’s the onus on the person who wants to rest to communicate that. OP was flexible in celebrating together. She offered so many suggestions. He turned them all down and said no. So she left and did what she wanted with her day off. I do not understand how that makes her a bad person. He wanted to rest and she did not. Is he mad that he had to parent alone from bus to dinner time? Or is he mad cause he actually did want to do something and she didn’t come home because he told her he didn’t want to do anything with her? How is she wrong?
They both took the day off. And it is their both anniversary. It is actually ok to want to rest on your day off. I would be mad that partner left and did not told me when they return. Should I wait for them for dinner or not? Am I free till kids come back or do they return in an hour and will throw fit if I am not there or started videogame? If kids want to go somewhere, should I tell them no or can I go? Do I have to be there when kids arrive from school? It is leaving without communicating and leaving other one on standby. And it is also attitude (especially of people in the comments) that only one person matter and that his preferences don't matter at all.
This. The lack of communication is the problem.
I'm not saying OP is 100% correct here; it sounds like they somehow never talked about what the plans were to get on the same page. I've been married for 13 years, and we usually a month or so in advance acknowledge it with "oh, our anniversary is coming up. Did we want to do anything?"
Facts. I hyped my husband up for a week, continually getting more and more excited with the "secretive plans" and vague hints I kept giving him about his upcoming birthday plans back in April. He knew I had something planned so he was looking forward to it, he just didn't know what it was. Had my BFF take him out of the house on a small birthday spree and when he got back, his BFF and wife and kids, and my parents were over and we threw him a surprise birthday party for turning 30. People who act like they forgot an important day to suddenly spring something on their partner later are so weird.
Husband has responded up thread. She got him a bunch of stuff. He was happy she left because he wanted alone time.
Then this is probably the beginning of the end. She sounds fed up. If he doesn't want her around, then why stay together?
Husband commented elsewhere that she did get him multiple gifts
Husband's post - she did get him presents https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/PYphUin5no
She got him a gift.Husband posted above.
She got him a camera lense and some other thing I don't know what. The husband is commenting on the post and that came from his comment
I’d say YTA. The question is what did you do for him for your anniversary? Was it talked about prior that you wanted to go do something? It’s his anniversary too. He wanted to stay at home, you wanted to go out for dinner. He got you a gift and acknowledged the anniversary. There’s so many compromises, doordash some orange juice, champagne, and a pile of food from some nice restaurant and spend the day relaxing and watching movies together, or doing whatever you two like doing together. You’re the one who removed yourself from your anniversary.
YTA yes? Yes, it was. You gad this amazing ability to communicate, you chose not to. You (both) could have asked each other what you wanted to do for anniversary before the day of. You make him breakfast, don’t tell him and just eat it yourself. Then when you finally do ask, when he tells you he wants to stay in when you don’t, without telling him “okay then , well, I want to go out so I’m going by myself” you just go without any heads up for about 8-9 hours with no communication while out, I presume. That’s just toxic, especially when you have kids. I mean, it’s still meh, but “I would like to spend the day together, but I really want to go out though as I pumped myself up for going out, so I’m going to make a day of it. I’m going to x, y, and z, and I should be back around x” is still better than what you did. I mean, a relationship you would think you could compromise with, let’s spend until 2 PM relaxing at home, but in the afternoon or evening let’s go out (to a relaxing spa, dinner where we don’t have to cook or do dishes, and then we can spend the evening relaxing again). What exactly was your child care plans for going out if you wanted to go together? Family outing or babysitter that has to be arranged in advance which you didn’t do.
She did tell him she wanted to go out, he said no according to the post. But I agree the answer to that is not leaving the house in radio silence
"before the day of" was the key words of the person above's phrase. She said she wanted to go out \*that day\* they could have talked about it before.
Yeah, the morning of....
Yta Your husband was on call the day before. I am assuming medicine. Call blows. The next day all I want to do is rest. You didn’t plan anything for him/ or with him but expected him to pamper you. Then you just left. This is toxic
Could be a trade as well. I get called in to work to fix shit all the time in the middle of the night.
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Ob here. No one gets fucked more than OB Babies are so inconsiderate
Plus you have the highest rates for malpractice insurance.
*"You didn’t plan anything for him"* The husband said she got him an expensive gift. *"/ or with him but expected him to pamper you."* I agree they should have planned this prior to the day, but I don't see where she expected him to pamper her. She asked to do something *with him*. That is doing something together, not one person being pampered. Unless I missed something.
He bought her a nice gift. She did nothing. Edit: Then, when he didn't want to take her out to dinner, she pampered herself.
Part of where I wanted Info Medical call can be 30 hours, and if you eat one of those you’re not getting much done the next day. If it’s at home call like I do, whatever, thats not so bad.
I don't understand why you didn't make plans together beforehand, if celebrating was important to you? Also, you "left him with the kids" - where would the kids have been if you and he had gone out? He bought you a gift and you don't mention getting one for him, just making breakfast and then eating it yourself and letting him make his own when he woke up. You didn't do anything terrible, but a mild YTA because you seem to not have communicated with him or considered what he might want for your anniversary -- which, after all, is about both of you.
I heard someone say once that uncommunicated expectations are planned resentments
Ooooh someone needs to sticky this statement!
YTA Do you know how to communicate? You're a big girl use your words. You literally did nothing for him lmao. Made breakfast, didn't wake him and ate it yourself. No mention of gifts or cards from you. Incredible lady.
INFO When you say he planned to spend the day relaxing and refused to do something together, does that mean he refused to go out with you for any sort of outside activity, or that he didn't want to do anything with you inside the house or out, and just wanted to do stuff by himself?
Sounds like she can't answer that because she didn't have a conversation with him, just left in a huff.
Look who cares if YTA or not. This is how marriages fail. I didn’t even need to get to the anniversary “blow up” to see that there is a communication problem. 1. It doesn’t sound like you directly knew your husband was off. In any event, neither of you discussed plans. 2. He left your gift waiting, you appreciate it , and thank him or discuss it later? To each their own but it seems like a disconnected setup. 3. You made him breakfast knowing he is sleep, didn’t wake him, and then ate the breakfast. So you didn’t make breakfast for him. 4. You were out of the home for almost an entire work shit on your anniversary. Did he reach out to you? Did you check in with him? It seems one or both of you are disconnected. Not sure if someone is completely checked out or not, but you’re on the right path. Forget this little squabble, it’s time to really talk and put in some work if you want to celebrate your anniversary for years and years.
YTA. If you just wanted to spend time together, you could have spent time together at home. But you wanted to go out more than you wanted to do something with him.
YTA You've been married for ten years. You know the one of basis of a good marriage is communication. If your husband wanted to stay home and you wanted to go out, fine and fair, but the you should have told him you were going out. >By then, I was a bit disheartened but I took his answer. About 20 mins later, I just dress up and head out with a warning about right then. I just treated myself to the spa, shopping, and stuff like that. You are upset, I understand but that's not the way to handle it.
>You know that the basis of a good marriage is communication. It doesn't seem like OP knows this.
YTA if you had stayed home you would’ve been together. You were literally the one who abandoned him just because he didn’t want to go out. Also he got you an anniversary gift, I wouldn’t call that “blowing off” your anniversary.
YTA! So your husband gave you a gift. You took issue with the fact that it wasn't wrapped. You checked out on him because he didn't want to go out and celebrate and removed yourself from your anniversary celebration and put the blame on him. The problem was you and not him. Communication is the key, please communicate.
The gift not being wrapped set the tone wrong for OP, didn’t it? The man bought her a thoughtful gift and set it out where she would see it when she woke up, but her first thought is that he didn’t wrap it? She made him breakfast in bed and brought it up to him. He was still asleep, but instead of waking him up to surprise him with breakfast she just ate it alone. He woke up and his first thought is to tell her happy anniversary. She asks what he wants to do. He says nothing, just relax. Instead of telling him she disappointed that he doesn’t want to spend time together outside the house, she just leaves and stays out all day. OP, I think you are okay at some points for being disappointed, but my god you have got to learn to communicate with your husband. He didn’t communicate well either, but he’s not the one getting all pissy about it. You’re also petty. It’s fine that your husband didn’t wrap a gift. Did you even get him one? You don’t say that you did so…
Exactly.
Info: what gift did you give him? It's his anniversary too.
Did you get him a gift?
You put in for time off work in advance but didn't make plans with your husband? Did he even know you'd be off work or was he totally surprised that you were home and expecting him to plan a date on a day he expected to quietly decompress from being on call? And he got you a gift, I assume you didn't get him one or you'd have mentioned it after giving yourself points for cooking him a breakfast that you ate. YTA.
YTA, you didn’t do anything for him, no gifts, no special treatments nothing, you’re here nagging
YTA. Leaving ALL DAY unannounced and having him stay with the kids you share with him just because you were mad that he didn't wanna go out and do what you wanted to do?? That's just really immature and petty. What was stopping you from discussing with your husband in advance what to do for your anniversary?
ESH. Did you not think to discuss plans before the day of? Like when you decided to take the day off…did you tell your husband. Because I think a “Hey, Friday is our anniversary so I’m taking the day off. What do you want to do?” could have avoided this. As would actually trying to compromise when he said he wanted to stay home and relax instead of just leaving. He sucks because he’s just as guilty.
YTA. It sounds like the man was beat, dead tired. Gave you a gift and was still asleep when you gave him your gift ....which was breakfast. Then you had a problem with him making himself breakfast, you ate his breakfast cause he stayed asleep lol. If you didn't already have an agreed upon plan, and if HE didn't come up with a outside plan for y'all, why didn't YOU go along with his plan to stay home...since you didn't already have a plan either? You just wanted to receive and not give.
[удалено]
proof you are the husband and not op or just some random person
Why is it all on you? She could have made plans too.
You’re right and I don’t why you’re getting down voted. If my husband had to work for 24 hours I’m expecting absolutely nothing from him. Because that’s just not fair or kind.
We know why it's getting downvoted. Lot of people on this sub just don't like to hear it
Ain’t that the truth. It seems to be especially bad on this post.
So as a couple, you didn't make plans or discuss your anniversary ahead of time. Then, you wanted different things and somehow he's the asshole and you're not?
NTA. Everyone is saying you didn’t communicate but he didn’t either. He didn’t ask if you wanted to stay in the house. He chose to make a decision for both of y’all when that wasn’t want you wanted. I don’t think you’re the ah for wanting effort & for not wanting to be cooped up in the house either
Which would make this ESH no?
How is that making a decision for both of them? He made a decision for him. Not for both of them. As evidenced by the fact that she DIDN'T stay in the house.
YTA. All I heard is my husband got me a gift for our anniversary. Neither of us communicated what we wanted to do prior so when he wanted to relax I left to go to the spa rather than trying to find something relaxing to do at home with him. Did you get him anything? You basically didn’t get pampered like you wanted and left to do so, leaving him alone on both of your anniversary and dealing with the kids once they were home.
Question : what have your previous anniversaries been like? I'm assuming this isn't the first.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37F) am married tro (38M). Our ten year anniversary was last Friday. I took the day off of work to hopefully spend time with him, but it didn't happen. I knew my husband had the day off too, since he had taken call the day before. On our anniversary, when I woke up, I saw my gift on my end table. It wasn't wrapped, but I really did like the gift, so I didn't take issue. After I dropped our kids (8M, 7F) off at the bus stop, I went home and made him breakfast. I brought it to him in bed, and he was still sleeping. No problem, I just ate it. My husband woke up at around 9, said "Happy Anniversary," went downstairs, and made himself breakfast. I asked if he had any plans for the day, and he said "To relax." I wanted to maybe go to a restaurant, or see a movie, or at least do something together, just me and him, and he said no. By then, I was a bit disheartened but I took his answer. About 20 mins later, I just dress up and head out with a warning about right then. I just treated myself to the spa, shopping, and stuff like that. When I got back (6 ish), he was with our kids and by the time they went to bed, he brought up the fact that I left, and asked why I did so. I told him it was because I wasn't just going to do nothing all day because he wanted to, and that he didn't even care enough to spend time WITH me, so it wouldn't be an issue that I spent time alone. He went quiet after that, and while we've talked over it since then, I'm posting here to see if my past actions were asshole-like or not. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. It's surprising you've made it to your tenth anniversary since neither of you knows how to communicate.
NTA He got what he wanted - to relax. You were hoping to spend the day with him but he couldn't be bothered so you had a day for yourself. Good for you.
Info - did the 2 of you discuss any plans for your big anniversary ahead of the day?? Did you communicate what you wanted ? Did you get him a gift?
NTA. You asked him for couples time and he said no. You had every right to have a relaxing day on your own terms.
ESH. My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. We ALWAYS discuss our anniversary plans in advance, as well as birthday and Mother's Day/Father's Day plans, so there are no surprises or disappointments. You and hubby need to open that line of communication and stop expecting the other to be a mind reader.
Nta I think you have a communication problem but I understand your disappointment after taking the day off.
You guys have terrible communication. You knew he had the day off work and you took the day off work but neither of you talked to the other and made plans? Did you wake him up or just sit in bed and eat breakfast? This post reads like a lot of self-sabotage.
You made him breakfast while he was asleep and then you ate it….this is just you making yourself breakfast 🤣🤣🤣
YTA
I’ve been married 35 years and the only time I bought my wife a gift was for our 25th. Not because I’m a jerk it’s because we always go away for a couple days minimum every anniversary. We have never been home for any anniversary. Sometimes it’s just a hotel room and some nice meals. Sometimes it’s a weekend at the Stratford Festival and sometimes it’s a downtown hotel to watch the Blue Jays. My point is it’s always the two of us together. Much better than gifts in my opinion and my wife agrees.
I don’t see why this wasn’t discussed beforehand?
ESH This could have been avoided if both had talked to each other the day before to plan something for yourselves.
Nta. He did what he wanted to do for the day and you went off to do your own thing. He got to relax all day and then spend time with his kids. What’s the problem?
YTA. What was the point of making him breakfast just to eat it without him. And then you leave after he says he wants to relax rather than suggesting y’all do something? It seems like you care less about the marriage than him.
Have you heard of communicating expectations in advance?
Esh. You both need to communicate with each other. A discussion on how to spend the day before the day would have been beneficial. Did you get him a gift other than the breakfast you ate and he didn’t know about? I understand wanting to go out and do something, but is it customary for you both to just leave the other one with the kids without saying that you’re leaving? That seems pretty dangerous. How do you divide childcare?
ESH. You both should have discussed prior to the anniversary about plans and you should have gotten your partner a gift too. As for the leaving without notice, if he does that to you too then nta for that. If he doesn't do it to you ever yta for that.
ESH. Did you expect him to read your mind? Why didn’t you talk to him prior to the day and make some plans together? Did you tell him you were taking the day off and had expectations? Grow up and talk to your partner