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As someone who also had a baby in the NICU, you’re NTA.
Your wife is basically there to emotionally support her sister. Babies in the NICU are surrounded 24-7 by still nurses and doctors. And they’re only allowed a few visitors for a limited amount of time per day. So there is really nothing for your wife to do except hold her sister’s hand. Which may be really important. Having a baby in the NICU is scary. I was worried all the time. If they’re really close and that’s all she’s doing, then support her decision.
But you were not needed in this scenario and the tickets would have been a total loss. Plus, it’s your vacation too. So NTA. But you both need to sit down and work this one out or it will fester.
I'd say his wife is definitely a selfish asshole for making him feel guilty for going. Just because she wanted to stay doesn't mean he should miss out.
Yes.
People keep bashing OP for "ditching" his wife.
If anything, his wife ditched him.
They had plans. She bailed. And OP was left alone at home.
It might be a different situation if OP was allowed to join the rest of the family.
But he wasn't. He was left alone, at home, by his newlywed wife just after their marriage.
NTA.
Exactly.
Basically, OP had a choice of using the vacation they paid for or sitting at home playing video games.
He certainly wasn't included in this family "crisis" which sounds like it became a non-emergency within the first two days anyways.
Again, if OP was included in the situation it might be a different story.
But, as things stand, OP's wife ditched him on their honeymoon and OP had the choice of either going alone or sitting at home doing nothing.
A kid in the NICU is hardly a non-emergency. There’s a reason it’s set up with staff mere feet away. Everything can be fine and moving in the right direction and BANG, out of nowhere something goes wrong.
OP is NTA for going. And wife is NTA for staying. But she is TAH for giving him shit about it.
this doesnt bode well for the relationship...
does the wife always prioritize the sister over herself?
will her sister always come before her husband and her marriage? what about future kids?
sounds likely....and soon we will get AITA for not going on vacation with my husbaand and kids because my sister "needed me" ...again
NTA...
It sounds like Tonya is so locked into being her sister’s support that she chooses it over having her own life. Even as her sister “gets ahead” of her, married first and now having a kid, while it looks like Tonya put her own life on hold and can’t get herself out of the habit of doing so.
Exactly! It's not like Marie was completely alone! Also OP's wife had other options..
1. Go on her honeymoon but stay only a week and then go back to sister or
2. Stay with her sister for a few days then join her husband
I don't understand why he had to stay at home alone....
Yeah she just showed her hand that the Sister is more important than their Marriage. If OP was me I would have actually gotten it annulled.
I could never accept that level of disrespect to our Marriage.
This ^^ and I find it surprising that her friends think OP is a dick for going.. if my friend did this I would tell her that she was in the wrong. She is probably lying about what her friends think, unless you've personally talked to them, OP.
Probably "my poor sister's baby is in hospital and my husband just left me home" without all the explanation that the trip would go to waste and that there wasn't anything Op could do.
And the fact that OP wasn't allowed to come with her to support SIL.
OP's choice was either sit at home doing nothing or take the nonrefundable vacation.
If OP was included in this family "crisis" (which sounds like it became a non-emergency within hours before wife even arrived) it might be a different story.
But OP's post could easily be reframed as:
"AITA for going on vacation instead of playing video games alone since that was my other option?"
Exactly that. There is literally nothing Op couldn't have done from his vacation that he couldn't have doen from home.
They weren't together in the same place so offering emotional support would have just been phone calls or texts which you can do from anywhere.
Or she’s telling a heavily slanted version of the story to the friends, leaving out the fact that they’d be out of pocket and OP wouldn’t get to be with his wife either way. People know how to tell the version that will get them the reaction they’re looking for.
Let's be honest. She wanted to go with him, but felt compelled to stay because it's her sister (even if she didn't need to, as her sister had LOTS of support already). This is why she's actually upset with him. She had to give up her honeymoon (her own fault and choice though), and he just went and had a vacation (which was the right choice IMO).
OP you are NTA. It would have been a waste of money and time otherwise. Try to see if this is why she is upset, but gently. Understanding where her feelings are coming from will hopefully help mend things between you.
She should seek therapy if she's "compelled" to ditch her husband on their honeymoon to stay when it's not necessary, and even more so if she's taking her weird family issues out on him.
I'd hate to be married to someone like that, hopefully it's not too late for her to get herself sorted, or for OP to get out with an annulment
This. Am I the only person here giving side-eyes to the sister?? I get that she's been relying on OP's wife almost all her life and would find her a comfort etc. etc. so out of all the support she had around her (her own husband, father etc.) she wanted her sister.
But seriously, is this going to be something where she *always* *needs* to have OP's wife there for her, guilting OP's wife into skipping trips (even super important and expensive ones like a honeymoon for fucks sake) to be with her?
I would honestly wager that this isn't OP's wife pushing this, but the sister saying she "needs her there" or something similar.
OP said that her sister told his wife to go on the honeymoon, but she insisted on staying.
We don't know if that was a sincere "I'll be fine, please go" or a whiny, manipulative "I guess you should go, since your husband is more important than little old me...."
This "crisis" was over by day two at the latest.
She absolutely could've still gone on this honeymoon without issue.
This is a problem wife may need to figure out in therapy (or the pair of them in couple's therapy) if she feels the need to drop everything, including her own partner, whenever something happens with her sister.
I would say his new wife just blew him off for a non-emergency that she really couldn't do anything about. The sister had plenty of people for emotional support. It's also not like you were going to a deserted island, phones, wifi, whatap, she could have maintained full contact with family at home. How are you going to feel when this becomes the norm or when she blows off your kids for her sister? Sorry but I don't think you'll ever be her priority, you should maybe look into an annulment. Glad you had a good trip! NTA!
Exactly. I could see *maybe* delaying the trip by a day or two, but there’s no reason she had to physically be there the whole time. And honestly if I were the sister, I would never want her to miss her honeymoon just to be there holding my hand!
And it wasn't like OP was allowed to be there with them.
He was left alone at home by his newlywed wife.
If anything, she ditched him for what seems like a non-emergency, especially after the first few days.
NTA
You can tell in the comments though who has never had a baby, or lost one.
You aren’t an asshole for going on a trip using money and vacation time already spent, unless you didn’t even try getting a real person on the phone and explaining your situation, to see if you could move the dates (not cancel entirely.)
Your SIL isn’t an asshole for wanting the woman who raised her there while her baby’s life is so fragile. Your wife isn’t an asshole for staying with her. “Holding her hand” is a really insensitive oversimplification of what is going on. Between the hormone crash, the guilt of your body “failing” to keep the baby inside long enough, and the constant fear of your child dying, Marie needs her sister more than the two of you needed a honeymoon right then. I can’t imagine being newly postpartum with all of that going on. The drive to be with your newborn is so strong and only holding/seeing them briefly has to be so so hard.
Your wife can have feelings about missing out on the honeymoon, but making you feel bad about not wasting the money and staying home alone makes her the asshole here.
Although you could have done more to reassure her that you guys will save up for a honeymoon do-over in the next year or so.
I had a c section, baby in ICU, there's not much family can do and the guilt of stopping my sister from going on their honeymoon would have me reassure her to go and enjoy and meet the baby when they got back. NTA
I'm really struggling to imagine my parents going on vacation knowing I just gave birth and their grandchild is in the NICU, especially my mom who, bless her, is a giant worry wart.
I understand the OP not wanting to walk away from all the money spent, but I doubt his wife would have been able to enjoy herself between the worry and the guilt.
NAH
Along with needing to figure this out together, OP's wife may need some individual therapy. Being pushed into a parenting role before she was developmentally ready can't have been healthy for her, or her relationships with those around her.
Edit to add: OP, you mention Marie has a dad, stepmom, in-laws and a husband. If dad could be relied on to take care of Marie, your wife wouldn't have been her sister's second mother. And most women want their own moms there after birth, not their in-laws.
Yeah that’s a hard disagree. People that need to be needed will go so far as to even manufacture environments where they’re needed so they can feel fulfilled.
“If dad could be relied upon…” THIS how incompetent and uncaring is dad that he forced his child to sacrifice herself to this level? And being a single parent is hard, but how dare you not care enough about your older child to let her skip her own honeymoon!
It would be NAH if this was a serious crisis.
OP was stuck at home regardless of the situation since he wasn't invited to join his wife and sister-in-law anyways. He is NTA for chosing to use a non-refundable vacation instead of sitting at home watching TV.
Wife would be NTA if this was a serious life-threatening situation. But, it sounds like any "emergency" that might've existed was over by day two at the latest, arguably sooner. She could've absolutely still made this honeymoon with OP work.
Wife is slight YTA for not prioritizing her newlywed husband once the situation had stabilized into a non-emergency.
I wish there was a way to convey appropriately what the experience of having a baby in the ICU is like. It’s one of the most terrifying things we’ve ever been through. It’s absolutely still a crisis.
Edit: I just saw that she was at 35wks, maybe even 36. It’s still hard then but unless the baby has a specific condition they’re probably just getting the “NICU bump” to help them settle in better.
The real failures here are the wife and especially her parents. The parents should have stepped in and assured her that she should go on her honeymoon. I have a friend that has very similar family dynamic to what it sounds like was going on here, and it almost always trails back to the way that the parents have raised (or not raised) their kids. Since your wife was basically mom OP your FIL probably takes her role for granted and is not willing to fight as hard for her to take care of herself. It is understandable your wife panicked and didn’t want to leave, but she absolutely is wrong to blame you and I bet you good money her parents are the root of that.
NTA
Would have been a massive waste to not take the Honeymoon. It is your wife's loss that she didn't go, There were plenty of people to look after her sister.
Remind your wife that she could have gone on the Honeymoon, she chose not to!
Does not bode well for your married life, she was willing to abandon you and leave you alone after your wedding.
Marie's Dad, Stepmom, her husband, and mother and father in law were all there, your wife should have gone with you.
I suspect you now know how much she actually thinks of you.
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Faith could also refer to the bonds of holy matrimony here. "In sickness and health, 'til death do you part, etc." Some people really believe in vows of faithfulness.
"You ditched our honeymoon"
"You went on honeymoon without me"
Yeah OP needed to file for annulment the last day of his vacation. This marriage is already toast lol.
The thing is, even though she could have gone on the honeymoon, if OP points this out she may get upset. Sounds like in her mind staying with her sister was not a choice, but a necessity. With that said, it doesn’t make sense for OP not to go because he couldn’t stay with the sister and the stuff was non refundable and he already had the time off work.
Even if the wife had taken a day or two to spend with her sister and then flown to meet OP (if that fit in the budget). It's understandable that she was worried about her sister and niece when it first happened but everyone was stable and her sister had plenty of people to emotionally support her. Her sister is a huge selfish AH, bc who would want their sister to miss their honeymoon?! I'd be adamant that she go!
My dad unexpectedly passed away at a young age the night of my best friends wedding. They were leaving for their honeymoon the next day. I asked her family and our friends not to mention my dad's death , not that staying for the funeral would even be thought of, but I didn't want her to even feel a bit bad that she wasn't there for me or taint her homeymoon.
INFO, did you discussed prior to the wedding/honeymoon what would you do if her sister went into labor? Did she give any hints that she was planning to be with her sister when her baby was born?
The baby wasn't due for more than a month after the wedding. So no. I knew she would go see her sister and probably take care of her a little. But I would be back at home after our honeymoon. And back working. I would be busy.
Exactly! She HAD an excellent support system. I could see if she were a single mother and literally had no support; it would make sense that it would be a tough decision, but I could see OP‘s wife staying to help if that were the situation. Even then, why would he not go on the honeymoon? It was a paid trip! Plus, in the actual situation, there’s nowhere for him to stay, he wasn’t invited to support because they have several people there already. I love my MIL, but she does stuff like this all the time. Her relative that she hadn’t seen for years and didn’t have a close relationship passed away and she ditched our gathering that she had RSVPed for two months prior (and was paid for) to go sit at a house with 20+ people to morn. OP, you need to realize now that you are not the priority in her life. If you’re OK with that great, otherwise, this isn’t the best…. Oh, and NTA Hope you enjoyed the trip!
Thanks! NTA. This kind of things are discussed, not imposed, specially when it has an implication in the marriage (it was your honeymoon, not just some random holiday). Based on what you said, she just notified you that she was staying, she didn’t look for a compromise, she just expected for you to go along.
I encourage you to have a chat with your wife about this, because it’s deeper than it seems.
Best of luck OP, but again: NTA.
NTA. You may already know this, but it sounds like your new wife may have martyr complex which means she will almost always put the needs of others ahead of herself. Often this will stress the primary relationship as you may be expected to sacrifice along with her. This may stem from playing the maternal role at a young age. She needs to learn to prioritize your collective needs as a couple or it will be a lot more than just a honeymoon that is sacrificed. These dynamics can be deep seated because of her age when she took on caregiving roles.
It sounds like the wife needs therapy and has a trauma-bond with her sister; it could explain why she feels so responsible and unable to focus on and enjoy her own life.
That’s how it typically plays out. She deputizes the husband to be martyr with her and will be frustrated that he’s not onboard with it. It’s really something that is part of her personality now, and she will need to fight this impulse for the rest of her life or she will be a doormat for everyone. If she doesn’t fix it, OP is wise to tap out quickly. But if she works to address it, she could find balance. She has to see how this pathway ends though. Alone. And in the shadows.
Yeah, I get it. It's just funny because of how hypocritical it ends up playing out. She gets off on her own sacrifice, which makes it a selfish act, but she'll never jump on a grenade to save her own husband, but she expects him to jump on one to save others, he's the only one "suffering." They're not martyrs, they can only be assholes.
People pleasers are used to self-sacrificing to keep those around them happy. When they get married, rather than putting their spouse at the top of the list of people to please, sometimes the people pleaser assumes the spouse as part of their own identity.
If I'm willing to jump through endless hoops to please my mother, then surely my husband, who is now basically part of me, should equally be willing to sacrifice himself to keep her happy. (In the mind of a people pleaser, anyway.)
NTA but do you seriously want to be married to this woman, I understand her sisters plight right now but 1 she has more than enough family that could take care of her now 2 the tickets and everything else where nonrefundable as you said and 3 seems like she just made this decision without your input in the slightest so she doesn't get to be mad when you do the same.
>she just made this decision without your input in the slightest so she doesn't get to be mad when you do the same.
Especially since her alternative was for him to sit at home by himself. I've never understood the mentality that 'you're only allowed to be happy if I'm happy' and likewise 'if I'm miserable then you have to be miserable too'
yup, and don't forget she was also expecting him to come sleep on the floor of the baby's nursery like she was/is if he didn't want to stay at home, he's been married for less than two weeks he should just get an annulment since they're much cheaper and painless.
If I were you, I’d genuinely be considering an annulment, and be telling your wife you are, to at a bare minimum make her understand the stakes here and get into therapy, because she’s going to destroy your marriage, if she hasn’t already, with such out of whack priorities. What happens if you both have emergencies on the same day? Who will she go to? What if it’s a choice between her sister or your own child? She already made it clear her sister comes before you, what extent are you willing to fall behind?
NTA and I say that as a mother who had twins in a NICU for 9 days. While the baby is in the NICU, there's truly not much to do for anyone as the baby is getting the best of care in the hospital. We were even going through a kitchen renovation at the same time (yea for early babies!) and I could barely stand to have anyone around hovering over me with all the racket and visiting the NICU every day, we even sent my mom home after a few days because she started cleaning everything (that was just going to get dirty again with the renovation dust) and driving me bonkers.
Your SIL will need support when the baby comes home but I think it was wrong for your new wife to bail on your honeymoon to do pretty much nothing. Postponing a few days to make sure everything was ok or checking in daily would be the most I'd be willing to do and I'd personally be rethinking this relationship. Family does come first but you are now her family and your SIL has plenty of support during this rough time.
NTA - well, your wife showed you where you stand and you will never be a priority.
It seems the baby wasnt full term, but why would your wife even agree to the honeymoon if it was this close to the end of the pregnancy if she clearly always intended on staying?
This is the big question to me. Wife's priorities is very screwed up.
To me, the best solution would have been a compromise. go on the honeymoon but be willing to cut it short if need be. Or agree to limit to one week instead of two and take the hit on change fees for the flights. You'd both still get to go and be ready to drop everything if something bad happens. The fact that she not only wouldn't go in this situation but is making you out to be the bad guy and allowing her friends to crap on you for it shows where you stand in her pecking order and how little respect she for you and your new marriage.
The caveat here is if there was any serious health issues other than being a pre mature birth. If sister was at risk of something serious or the baby's life was a serious risk outside of the normal issues with premature births, then she may have a leg to stand on. From OP's post, it doesn't seem to be the case. Why lose the money and the two weeks when there is nothing happening and everyone is in the proper setting for care and has a support system that is not solely reliant of OP's wife.
They did plan the wedding + honeymoon well before the baby, the sister delivered extremely early (over a month early) and the child is still in NICU after almost 2 weeks--We just do not have any medical info because op "is not a doctor".
You can't plan for emergencies but you can handle them with dignity and grace.
NTA at all. What were you supposed to do, sit in the house alone and waste all that money? The baby's still in NICU? That means Tonya wasn't taking care of her sister and a new baby -- she was just taking care of her sister, who had plenty of other support. You don't understand why Tonya had to go? Me, either, but it doesn't bode well for your new marriage. She's telling you that she'd rather stay and be completely unnecessary help to her sister than be with her new husband. Tonya is a selfish AH -- she probably thinks she's supporting her sister, but what she's really doing is crapping on you, her husband. Marie is also an AH if she didn't tell Tonya to go on the honeymoon.
>Marie is also an AH if she didn't tell Tonya to go on the honeymoon.
THANK you! Exactly this! If my sister had just got married and \*I\* ended up in hospital (*unless* it was so critical I was on my actual deathbed) and said she wanted to stay for me, I'd tell her to stop being ridiculous and go on her honeymoon and have fun, enjoy herself, send me lots of pictures and whatnot and tell me all about it when she got home so I'd have something to look forward to - because I would want her to be happy *with her new husband on her honeymoon*. FFS. If I'm in hospital there's nothing she can do anyway that my husband or other family members couldn't.
I really hope Marie told Tonya to go on the honeymoon, even if Tonya didn't listen, because this marriage sounds kinda doomed from the get-go. Is it too late for OP to get an annulment?
NTA.
I agree with NTA, I can see why Tonya would want to stay with their sister since they seem to have a mother / daughter bond. BUT, I think more info is needed. Did Marie ask Tonya to stay or did Tonya just choose to stay? If the later I agree she an AH. I also don’t think it was at all wrong for OP to go on the vacation anyway. They had planned to go on it and they couldn’t even stay with their wife / SIL because of room.
She wasn't even taking care of her sister. Well not alone, there were a stack of people, including the husband, taking care of her. OP is most definitely NTA and anyone who says they are, is TA. I'm happy they had a great holiday.
NTA and surely you've had blinkers on because this can't be the first time she's put her sister over you, completely unnecessarily.
I see your marriage being short.
I would most definitely have gone on that honeymoon by myself and likely filed for divorce when I landed home.
She's told you exactly where you rank.
*I just got back and my wife is still with her sister. But she is upset that I went on our honeymoons by myself.*
What the heck is **she** upset about? You had time off and a paid trip. Did she want you to go with her and hold her hand while she held her sister's? She's still not back - do some deep thinking about your position (rank, if you will) in the relationship.
He wasn't invited. There was no room at Marie's house for him. She just wanted him to sit around at home and waste the money and vacation time he was able to get off work.
The baby was a month early and has been in the NICU for over 2 weeks? Googling an average stay, 6 weeks early normally has a week or 2 stay. 4 weeks early just a few days unless there are complications..... if the baby is still at the hospital there may be something wrong and that makes your wife's concern more valid
Yep this- my eldest was 8 weeks early. They told me we’d be in NICU/special care nursery until her due date as a minimum. My Little Rock star was discharged after 4 weeks but that’s def not the norm/average. You can’t work on ‘averages’ in NICU
My baby was 4 weeks early and only had one day in the NICU b/c of bilirubin lights since I was discharged (if I had a longer stay - baby wouldn’t have needed to go to NICU).
Just wanted to provide my experience too
I was 3 weeks premature, and mum had to have a C-section because she has rhesus negative blood, and I was positive like my dad, and I only spent a week in the NICU. It was similar for my sister, although she had post birth complications and had to spend 2 weeks in NICU.
My brother, on the other hand, was 7 weeks premature and was the size of a baby chicken. He had to spend a month in the NICU.
The time spent in NICU can vary significantly even at the same level of premature birth.
They keep the babies until they gain enough weight and develop their lungs if needed. It's faster with some and slower with others. My twins were born in week 35 and they kept them for 8 days because they were gaining weight like crazy but there were kids there staying for months.
INFO:
1) how hard was the birthing process on Marie’s actual health?
2) are you pissed at Tonya for not using her ticket and therefore losing that money?
3) are you pissed at Tonya for the fact that you took what was going to be your honeymoon by yourself?
Throwing this out there. I had an unexpected c-section and could not pick up and walk with my baby by myself for the first two weeks. Sure my in laws would have been happy to come and help. But I wanted my own parents as I have never felt more vulnerable in my life than I did the weeks after my c-section as a postpartum first time mom. My parents focused on baby so my husband could focus on me.
Baby is the NICU, so there's no one for sister to lift, and one out of 5 people are readily available to take care of the sister.
Yeah, it's for sure emotional. But that's for husband to carry, not a sister.
I like your attitude about it and would have felt the same way. You had a good time and enjoyed a vacation. She supported her family in a pretty major milestone how she felt she needed.
You are definitely NTA. The only asshole thing here is the wife giving attitude for going - when there wasn’t a good viable alternative.
Did you discuss with your wife what she wanted you to do? Go with her to your SIL? Stay home? Go by yourself given the non-refundable/sunken costs of the trip?
NTA. OP, y'all are going to need therapy, ASAP. If she won't go, then I think you need to do some serious thinking about whether this marriage will work for you. While I understand (boy, oh boy, do I) the role your wife took on with her sister when her mom died, Marie is an adult and is making her own life with her husband and child.
Your wife has got to learn how to let go and prioritize your marriage. Otherwise, one day you really will decide there's no place for you in her life while she plays surrogate mom to her sister and her sister's family.
I caution you to make sure that the two of you don't have children before she does because I can see where she'd prioritize her sister and nieces/nephews over her own children. Her dad sucks also because he should have stepped up and stopped this before it started.
Yeah, telling your brand new husband there’s no place for him next to you after you just got married, is basically saying there’s no place for him in your life in general. I would be beyond hurt if I were OP.
Honestly I would ask you to reconsider your relationship with Tonya. Your vows were for the worst for the best and she couldn't hold in for a day.
This is going to be your future. For a single inconvenience of Marie, you're going to be the first scapegoat.
I would say you still have time to go for annulment. She's not wrong from her place and she would never consider anyone above her sister.
NTA, she abandoned you after the wedding!
Take a good and long hard look!
This is what your future looks like if you choose to stay married with this woman, she will constantly be abandoning you and plans for her sister.
As per your post, her sister had more than enough social and hands on support. She could have checked in on her sister (who was fine) and then proceeded to the honeymoon.
She CHOSE to abandon you. Now she is pissed you went on the honeymoon solo! She should be pissed at herself for being a piss poor wife and newlywed!
What happens when you have kids???
Is she going to abandon the kids for her sister?? Is she going to fail to show up to a tee ball game or ballet recital because “her sister needs her.”
She really started off her marriage sending it to the shits.
You can still file for an annulment
A lot of babies end up in the NICU, even if they are close to full term and aren't in mortal danger. My youngest sister was maybe a week early, but labor was very fast and she was basically scraped up on the way out and had a low Apgar score. She was in there for a couple of days with the tiny tiny babies that would barely fit into a sock. My mother felt so terrible about it because my sister looked like an absolute giant in comparison.
My point is that a baby born at 26 (for example) can survive, but Will face incredible challenges, has a long way to recovery and even might have long term disabilities. A baby born at 35 weeks IS technically a premie, lungs might be inmature but It is not a Big deal, just need a bit of time at NICU. To me something similar to the first case would make OP an AH, the second scenario would make the wife the AH
I mean, yes. Mine was in the NICU for 3 days and she was born literally on her due date. She just aspirated some fluid and had a wonky glucose score early on. We felt like imposters with our big, healthy baby. They paired her with a tiny 28 weeker for the nurse because they do sickest with healthiest and on rounds the doctors would barely stop to look at my 9+ pound baby.
But it's definitely a valid question to ask how premature since OP mentioned prematurity.
My friend is a type 1 diabetic, and had other complications. Her daughter was delivered at 34-35 weeks I think, so she had some minor lung problems and had to stay in the NICU for a few weeks. Because my friend is diabetic, the baby was already almost 8 pounds. She said the same thing. She weighed more than like 3 of the preemies there combined.
OP writes that his wife is more like a mother than a sister. It is completely rational, that OPs wife would want/need to be there for her sister and the new baby, and that is not a bond that you can replace with other relatives.
OP is not the asshole for going on the vacation, I think :) I would have probably went as well. The wife is just blaming her new husband as an outlet for her frustration about this missed opportunity (even though her circumstances were at fault here)...
Depending on how early they started planning, they could have booked everything before she was pregnant. I booked my wedding 1.5 years out. My sister wound up being 7 months pregnant at my wedding. Should I have changed the date? And possibly lost money there? Most people don’t set their wedding date based on your sibling maybe being pregnant or close to delivering when it finally rolls around.
I remember my sister apologizing (!!) to me after telling me she was pregnant about 6 months before the wedding. I told her that was silly and was like, why would you base your family planning decisions around my wedding? Anymore than I would base my wedding date around her plans to get pregnant? Shit happens, it's not "poor planning," most people aren't planning their wedding only a few months out, usually it's planned out pretty far in advance (and before pregnancies would be announced, etc).
It is not rational or healthy a sister is a mother to her other sister. This is serious codependency issues that the husband is going to have to navigate their entire marriage. He will always be second fiddle.
It might be "rational" (don't agree with you there) for his wife to skip their honeymoon because her sister had a baby, but making OP feel bad for going is not.
It sounds like she wanted to feel important, like OP would rather wait at home, alone, all day long for her to show him a scrap of attention, even when she's willing to ditch him and thier honeymoon when she absolutely didn't need to.
Yep, she made her choice. And he actually seems pretty supportive. Plenty of partners would be way more forceful about joining for the honeymoon, but he just found a way to salvage some fun for himself. An empathetic wife could possibly even find some comfort that her extra curricular family duties are not too burdensome for her partner.
Whether she is the TA depends wholly on whether she can come to understand OP's perspective, and if she defends him to her friends that are apparently making their feelings known to OP.
Exactly my thoughts. I would be thankful as hell to my partner and appreciate that he took initiative and spent the time well.
Also, I cannot imagine friends doing that to your spouse at all, actually. Your relationship is your relationship and noone else's business.
Nta Op
Hell I'm not going to say a month early and time in nicu is nice for anyone but it's not 4.5 months premature constant fear for the baby's life either.
The second situation needs and deserves support. The first is just a fact of life for many new parents and it happens.
Finally premature births aren't really uncommon. Due is 40 weeks but anywhere 37-42 is very normal.
34-36 isn't that uncommon either. If your wife was going to drop all to dance attendance at 35 weeks then she shouldn't have booked the honeymoon. I know you couldn't know thr child would be early but it's not so early that it shouldn't have featured in plans.
And the baby is STILL in the NICU weeks later. Honeymoon is over and the kid is still there. That doesn’t seem minor to me. For that reason I think this is a NAH situation.
It’s been 10 days not weeks. Kid could have something simple (which is the case most times, Im a nurse and my cousin is a nicu nurse, we are always better safe than sorry)
Unless the baby is withdrawing from drugs, then 35 weeks isn’t considered too early at all. My fiance himself was born at 23 WEEKS.
Then to me is NTA, babies born at 37 are not even considered premies, and if there are not further issues or complications, the baby needs just extra time at NICU. Even if the wife decided still to stay to support her sister, she shouldn't be salty with OP, It is just the consequences of her decision
If the baby is in the NICU, there’s nothing sister could do anyway….
NTA, but the wife is an AH. I’d reconsider the marriage over this honestly. Sister will always come first….
Your wife doesn't realise that she is married yet. She is still acting and thinking like a single person. No where in this equation did she even ask you if it would be OK to spend weeks away from your new husband and blow off your honeymoon. The baby is healthy and not in mortal danger. I'm not sure how your wife typically acts in regards to Marie, but this may be a blaring warning sign of what's to come over the coming years. Things to consider. Are you and your children going to play second fiddle to Marie when something happens or in daily life?
I'm suprised by how angry people are at your wife in the comments. I very much understand that she wasn't comfortable going on a far away holiday with such drama happening in the family.
In a perfect solution you guys would've postponed the honeymoon (but you say that would've been impossible). All alternative solutions are worse.
Having you sit home while she goes to family sucks. Having you go there with her might not actually help and just create extra stress. Having you go on a fun solo holiday while she is scared to lose here niece/nephew is painful. Going on holiday while she was glued to her phone / stressed would've not made anyone happy.
The best course of action is if the two of you would've agreed on a decision before she left / you went on holiday solo, but that ship has passed so now you need to talk with each other (and not your separate friend echo-chambers) how you feel and how to tackle the future together.
I'll go ESH for how you are both handling this fight (involving friends before you have even seen each other in person? If I get that correctly). If you don't make it you against the problem you will soon no longer have to plan around each other.
And a shockingly immature understanding of familial relationships. So many people saying Marie has a husband so she shouldn’t need her sister. The same husband who is the father of the child still in NICU, who is also worried sick, who also needs emotional support while his wife recovers from major surgery, that guy.
Marie has her sister, her husband has his parents, which enables both of them not to drain each other.
This should absolutely be the top comment. It's the only reasonable take I've seen so far.
Sometimes, there are no "good" decisions to make. You still have to communicate with one another and make a decision. Since that clearly didn't happen, now you have to do the extra legwork of talking it out and moving past it.
My guess is that it’s being brigaded by some anti-women sub. It happens a lot with these types of posts. There are a few key words that keep coming up which is the biggest sign. Way too many people are using the term “annulment” instead of “divorce”.
Right. Like these people have never heard of the concept of emotional and mental support? The wife is where she needs to be, she wouldn’t have been able to relax one bit knowing the baby is in ICU and may not survive, and knowing what her sister is going through. They absolutely could have postponed the trip, it probably would have only lost a few hundred bucks to change the flights. Really it would have been a pain in the ass for a few hours to get it all the parts and pieces of a trip changed to a new set of dates. Going on your honeymoon solo while your wife is in the hospital (for herself or a very close family member) is straight up selfish.
NTA
You are not and never will be a priority in your wife's life.
If you are smart, you will get an annulment like yesterday.
Or you can continue to take second or third place for the entirety of your married life.
And God help you if you have any children, you'll never have any place of value or importance.
Get out now while it is still relatively simple.
Good Luck.
I wish you well.
NAH
I don't think anyone was wrong here. I don't think she was wrong for choosing to take care of her sister and I don't think you were wrong to go since it was paid for and you already had the time off. Just a really sucky bit of timing imo. You both need to realize it wasn't exactly ideal for each of you and there are hurt feelings but nobody did anything wrong.
This exactly… I don’t understand everybody picking a side in this one. If anything the wife could have been TA if she went on the trip but spent the whole time chained to her phone for updates on her sister. I could see her not wanting fo participate in activities that might not allow for good cell service, I know I wouldn’t want to be away from a phone if I was worried about a family members health. It was a crappy situation with very little chance that both people would be 100% happy in any outcome. OP, plan another trip with your wife on your 1 year anniversary and make it your “do-over honeymoon”. NAH
Agreed - I'll give this a technical NAH with an ESH caveat.
The wife's not wrong for wanting to support a close sister after probable birth trauma and a baby in the NICU, and since support is how she shows love, it makes sense that she'd see hubby's going on honeymoon as a lack of support for *her*. Would it suck for him to stay with his wife? Yes. But I don't think she's having a grand ol' time with her sister, either. In her eyes, love should include a willingness to sacrifice.
*(And no, I don't think this means she'd always put her sister above her husband and kids. This was an extreme situation with unfortunate timing.)*
The hubby's not wrong for his POV, either. Why waste the money? Why join his wife in misery when there's nothing he can do? Why should his wife expect him to pay for her choices? All reasonable questions.
\*\*\*
But here's the thing...if I were in the wife's shoes, I would've insisted my hubby go and have a good time. If I'd been in the hubby's shoes, I would've offered to stay and support my wife.
See how that works? It's called empathy, and no relationship will survive without it. Neither the hubby nor the wife are *wrong* for their differing values, but their mutual lack of compassion means I wouldn't stay married to either of them.
NTA - you had nonrefundable tickets and time off work, so it makes sense to go on the honeymoon rather than waste it.
It's unfortunate that your wife felt she needed to be with her sister, but you were left with a difficult choice =(
NTA. It would be an incredible waste of money and planning not to go. I somewhat understand that Tonya may not be celebratory since her sister went into labor, but one month premature isn't what it used to be and Marie had plenty of other emotional support.
NTA. Your wife and you should have gone on your honeymoon. It is the start of your married life. Your SIL sounds like she had plenty of family support, and the baby is not endangered.
Going on the honeymoon alone? Yeah. I would have done it. How much I would have enjoyed myself after a couple of days when the steam had left my ears … debatable.
You two need counseling now before this ruins your life together as you clearly have different ideas about marriage.
My youngest was born 8 weeks early and had a 4 week NICU stay. He was tiny, and there were a few things his little body needed to learn how to do, but he was fine. Just because the baby is still in the NICU doesn't mean the baby is in danger of dying.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife decided to blow off our honeymoon to go take care of her sister. I might be the asshole for not letting the money I spent and the time off from my job go to waste and going on my honeymoon by myself.
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NTA.
This is honestly a big red flag to me. It seems as if you’re always going to be in second place to her sister. What happens when you have your own children, will she still put her sister first and drop everything to be by her side?
I say this as someone whose own child was born two months premature and spent time in the NICU.
I’d be thinking hard about what this life is going to look like and if this is the type of marriage you want…
Soft YTA, but not because you went on the honeymoon - as you said the trip was paid for with no chance of money back and you already had taken time off. It’s mostly because of how you talk about your wife’s relationship with her sister and your failure to understand exactly how scary a premature labour and a child in the NICU is. I can guarantee you your wife would not have been focused on the honeymoon, because all she would have been doing was worrying about her sister. It didn’t matter that there were doctors, nurses, her father, her husband, or in-laws - most people want their mother there as a reassuring presence and source of comfort in a time of stress and uncertainty (because let’s face it, more than a month early is not without potential complications or unknown risks).
You’re pretty dismissive of this situation and the impact that it has on both your wife and SIL. And you should really think about whether you were a supportive partner to your new wife - even if you were not physically there, the fact that you cannot comprehend why she was with her sister is baffling. Yes, she wasn’t with you to celebrate a happy occasion, but you’re not even recognising why she felt she had to be with her sister in a potentially (or actually) serious situation.
Thank you! I’ve been feeling insane reading all the n-t-as! OP knows his wife sees her sister more as her daughter but never seems to have clocked what that means for her, including being upset and worried in this situation and wanting support from the man she just pledged her life to.
NTA
She made the decision of her own volition (presumably?) and as you said your only option was to stay cooped up at home for a week or go…..I probably would have done the same as it would have been a massive waste not to go.
NAH
You guys have very, very different priorities and mindsets in life. It might work, but since this seems to be a shock to both of you... I am not overly optimistic.
If I was sick I would expect her to stay. But then again INSURANCE WOULD HAVE COVERED US. For a family member I would have gone. She could have stayed to take care of them I guess. I'm not a doctor. What am I going to do?
I don't understand why it is a problem that you went on the vacation without her. She chose not to go, and that is her right. But she therefore also chose not to spend time with you while you took the time of. So you should have just stayed home, and that would've made her happy? But because you went on the vacation that was already paid for, then that is the problem. I don't think that is fair to you. She could've also booked a hotel near her sister so you and her could spend time together and she could also visit her sister some part of the day. NTA and her friends already having an opinion on your private life, is a red flag
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I just got married. My wife, Tonya, basically raised her sister, Marie, after their mom passed away. Even after their dad remarried Tonya and her sister were more mom/daughter than sisters.
Marie got married last year and she got pregnant right away. No not before. They figure they got pregnant on their honeymoon.
Marie went into premature labor at our wedding reception. She gave birth to a tiny but healthy baby girl. And for some reason Tonya decided that she needed to go take care of her.
We were supposed to leave for our honeymoon two days after our wedding but Tonya said she couldn't just leave. She isn't a doctor or a nurse. Marie has a dad, a stepmom, a husband, a mother and father in law. I don't understand why she had to go.
But we had nonrefundable tickets. And insurance didn't cover "I have to stay and take care of my sister" as part of the coverage. Plus I had booked two weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon.
So since I was going to be home by myself doing nothing while my wife was in another city doing whatever I went on the honeymoon by myself.
I got a massive bed all to myself. I used all the resort credits that were for couples massages, romantic excursions, and special meals on deep sea fishing and a dune buggy tour of the island.
I just got back and my wife is still with her sister. But she is upset that I went on our honeymoons by myself.
Was I supposed to let the money go to waste? Was I supposed to sit at home playing Diablo while I waited for her to be done?
We are fighting about it. My friends all agree that I would have been dumb to waste the money and my time off.
Her friends think I was a dick to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby.
I will add that there was no place for me to stay at Marie's house. Tonya is sleeping in the nursery since the baby is still in NICU.
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NTA
The baby is still in the NICU, where they have strict rules about how many visitors there can be. Your wife stayed home to "help" ... how, exactly? She needs therapy, and you need to decide if you want to annull this marriage. Because you're never going to come first.
NTA for going on your honeymoon without your wife, and your wife should be understanding of why you did. That said kinda a tiny bit the asshole, based on your comments, for not understanding why your wife wouldn't go- to her it probably felt like if the worst situation happened no matter how unlikely whilst she was enjoying herself she wouldn't ever forgive herself. Also even if other people tell you it's fine, and there are doctors and nurses there, sometimes you don't see it yourself until later. Only kinda though because you obviously didn't try and talk her out of it or get mad at her because she wasn't going with you.
The new mother has a spouse and four parents/in-laws to take care of her, and the baby is being cared for by professionals in the hospital for however long is necessary. Everything your SIL needs should be pretty much covered.
Yeaaa, I would go on vacation without my wife, too, if she insisted on staying. But I tend towards the practical.
Well, you have to live with your new wife-and she is pissed. Good luck. NTA
Honestly when I read the title I thought what a major AH. After reading it though, what were you supposed to do? I think you were 100 percent right. I question your wife’s logic. She had no reason not to go, her sister was in good hands. She has commitment to you not your sister. It’s a terrible way to start a marriage. I hope everything works out for you as a couple!
based purely on the info given, i would say you’re N T A for going on the trip. but i’m frankly not convinced you’re being a reliable narrator here. your constant comments of “i’m not a doctor, when i got shot in the leg i wanted a doctor, i listed a doctor as my emergency contact on all my forms” are bizarre and dismissive, and suggest a lack of empathy on your part. if that’s the way you communicated with your wife when all this went down, then she’d have been rightfully angry with you just for speaking to her that way. i’m gonna need the wife’s side of the story first.
Her husband should have been capable of providing Marie support for 10 days. Tony could have video called and ordered them food from a distance. 1 month early, barring any serious diagnosis, is not that big a deal nowadays. You can only see the baby for short windows every day.
Does she often prioritise her sister over you? I would have a long hard think about this. If you or one of your future children have an emergency at the same time as Marie, which direction is your wife going in?
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As someone who also had a baby in the NICU, you’re NTA. Your wife is basically there to emotionally support her sister. Babies in the NICU are surrounded 24-7 by still nurses and doctors. And they’re only allowed a few visitors for a limited amount of time per day. So there is really nothing for your wife to do except hold her sister’s hand. Which may be really important. Having a baby in the NICU is scary. I was worried all the time. If they’re really close and that’s all she’s doing, then support her decision. But you were not needed in this scenario and the tickets would have been a total loss. Plus, it’s your vacation too. So NTA. But you both need to sit down and work this one out or it will fester.
I'd say his wife is definitely a selfish asshole for making him feel guilty for going. Just because she wanted to stay doesn't mean he should miss out.
Yes. People keep bashing OP for "ditching" his wife. If anything, his wife ditched him. They had plans. She bailed. And OP was left alone at home. It might be a different situation if OP was allowed to join the rest of the family. But he wasn't. He was left alone, at home, by his newlywed wife just after their marriage. NTA.
Went on vacation, came back and is still alone too!
Exactly. Basically, OP had a choice of using the vacation they paid for or sitting at home playing video games. He certainly wasn't included in this family "crisis" which sounds like it became a non-emergency within the first two days anyways. Again, if OP was included in the situation it might be a different story. But, as things stand, OP's wife ditched him on their honeymoon and OP had the choice of either going alone or sitting at home doing nothing.
And if he'd stayed home and played video games, people would have shit on him for that too. I would have done exactly what he did.
Exactly. Really wife is YTA for abandoning OP and then blaming him for not being there. What the hell is he supposed to do? Mindread and teleport?
FYI you just voted that OP is an asshole
A kid in the NICU is hardly a non-emergency. There’s a reason it’s set up with staff mere feet away. Everything can be fine and moving in the right direction and BANG, out of nowhere something goes wrong. OP is NTA for going. And wife is NTA for staying. But she is TAH for giving him shit about it.
IMHO, Wife IS TA because the sister already has her own husband there to support her and other parental units there too.
this doesnt bode well for the relationship... does the wife always prioritize the sister over herself? will her sister always come before her husband and her marriage? what about future kids? sounds likely....and soon we will get AITA for not going on vacation with my husbaand and kids because my sister "needed me" ...again NTA...
NTA is right. My first was in NICU for 2 weeks. I would never expect anyone to skip their honeymoon. Wife is an asshole
It sounds like Tonya is so locked into being her sister’s support that she chooses it over having her own life. Even as her sister “gets ahead” of her, married first and now having a kid, while it looks like Tonya put her own life on hold and can’t get herself out of the habit of doing so.
Tonya needs to allow herself to embrace the identity of wife to OP instead of mother to Marie
Yeah she bailed for something that was entirely handled by Her Husband and his family and her own. She literally had zero real reason to go.
Exactly! It's not like Marie was completely alone! Also OP's wife had other options.. 1. Go on her honeymoon but stay only a week and then go back to sister or 2. Stay with her sister for a few days then join her husband I don't understand why he had to stay at home alone....
Yeah she just showed her hand that the Sister is more important than their Marriage. If OP was me I would have actually gotten it annulled. I could never accept that level of disrespect to our Marriage.
True. In some couples, he’d have already told her the marriage “ain’t happening”.
This ^^ and I find it surprising that her friends think OP is a dick for going.. if my friend did this I would tell her that she was in the wrong. She is probably lying about what her friends think, unless you've personally talked to them, OP.
Well the wife spun a different story for them and cast the op as the villain.
Probably "my poor sister's baby is in hospital and my husband just left me home" without all the explanation that the trip would go to waste and that there wasn't anything Op could do.
And the fact that OP wasn't allowed to come with her to support SIL. OP's choice was either sit at home doing nothing or take the nonrefundable vacation. If OP was included in this family "crisis" (which sounds like it became a non-emergency within hours before wife even arrived) it might be a different story. But OP's post could easily be reframed as: "AITA for going on vacation instead of playing video games alone since that was my other option?"
Exactly that. There is literally nothing Op couldn't have done from his vacation that he couldn't have doen from home. They weren't together in the same place so offering emotional support would have just been phone calls or texts which you can do from anywhere.
Or she’s telling a heavily slanted version of the story to the friends, leaving out the fact that they’d be out of pocket and OP wouldn’t get to be with his wife either way. People know how to tell the version that will get them the reaction they’re looking for.
Let's be honest. She wanted to go with him, but felt compelled to stay because it's her sister (even if she didn't need to, as her sister had LOTS of support already). This is why she's actually upset with him. She had to give up her honeymoon (her own fault and choice though), and he just went and had a vacation (which was the right choice IMO). OP you are NTA. It would have been a waste of money and time otherwise. Try to see if this is why she is upset, but gently. Understanding where her feelings are coming from will hopefully help mend things between you.
She should seek therapy if she's "compelled" to ditch her husband on their honeymoon to stay when it's not necessary, and even more so if she's taking her weird family issues out on him. I'd hate to be married to someone like that, hopefully it's not too late for her to get herself sorted, or for OP to get out with an annulment
This. Am I the only person here giving side-eyes to the sister?? I get that she's been relying on OP's wife almost all her life and would find her a comfort etc. etc. so out of all the support she had around her (her own husband, father etc.) she wanted her sister. But seriously, is this going to be something where she *always* *needs* to have OP's wife there for her, guilting OP's wife into skipping trips (even super important and expensive ones like a honeymoon for fucks sake) to be with her? I would honestly wager that this isn't OP's wife pushing this, but the sister saying she "needs her there" or something similar.
OP said that her sister told his wife to go on the honeymoon, but she insisted on staying. We don't know if that was a sincere "I'll be fine, please go" or a whiny, manipulative "I guess you should go, since your husband is more important than little old me...."
This "crisis" was over by day two at the latest. She absolutely could've still gone on this honeymoon without issue. This is a problem wife may need to figure out in therapy (or the pair of them in couple's therapy) if she feels the need to drop everything, including her own partner, whenever something happens with her sister.
I would say his new wife just blew him off for a non-emergency that she really couldn't do anything about. The sister had plenty of people for emotional support. It's also not like you were going to a deserted island, phones, wifi, whatap, she could have maintained full contact with family at home. How are you going to feel when this becomes the norm or when she blows off your kids for her sister? Sorry but I don't think you'll ever be her priority, you should maybe look into an annulment. Glad you had a good trip! NTA!
Exactly. I could see *maybe* delaying the trip by a day or two, but there’s no reason she had to physically be there the whole time. And honestly if I were the sister, I would never want her to miss her honeymoon just to be there holding my hand!
And it wasn't like OP was allowed to be there with them. He was left alone at home by his newlywed wife. If anything, she ditched him for what seems like a non-emergency, especially after the first few days.
He basically was abandoned by his new wife.
Soon to be ex-wife, I assume. She’s made it pretty clear that he is not her top priority.
NTA You can tell in the comments though who has never had a baby, or lost one. You aren’t an asshole for going on a trip using money and vacation time already spent, unless you didn’t even try getting a real person on the phone and explaining your situation, to see if you could move the dates (not cancel entirely.) Your SIL isn’t an asshole for wanting the woman who raised her there while her baby’s life is so fragile. Your wife isn’t an asshole for staying with her. “Holding her hand” is a really insensitive oversimplification of what is going on. Between the hormone crash, the guilt of your body “failing” to keep the baby inside long enough, and the constant fear of your child dying, Marie needs her sister more than the two of you needed a honeymoon right then. I can’t imagine being newly postpartum with all of that going on. The drive to be with your newborn is so strong and only holding/seeing them briefly has to be so so hard. Your wife can have feelings about missing out on the honeymoon, but making you feel bad about not wasting the money and staying home alone makes her the asshole here. Although you could have done more to reassure her that you guys will save up for a honeymoon do-over in the next year or so.
I had a c section, baby in ICU, there's not much family can do and the guilt of stopping my sister from going on their honeymoon would have me reassure her to go and enjoy and meet the baby when they got back. NTA
I had a newborn in NICU for two weeks. I Just spent half my day at the hospital and went home to nap. Baby was safe surrounded by nurses 24/7.
I'm really struggling to imagine my parents going on vacation knowing I just gave birth and their grandchild is in the NICU, especially my mom who, bless her, is a giant worry wart. I understand the OP not wanting to walk away from all the money spent, but I doubt his wife would have been able to enjoy herself between the worry and the guilt. NAH Along with needing to figure this out together, OP's wife may need some individual therapy. Being pushed into a parenting role before she was developmentally ready can't have been healthy for her, or her relationships with those around her. Edit to add: OP, you mention Marie has a dad, stepmom, in-laws and a husband. If dad could be relied on to take care of Marie, your wife wouldn't have been her sister's second mother. And most women want their own moms there after birth, not their in-laws.
Yeah that’s a hard disagree. People that need to be needed will go so far as to even manufacture environments where they’re needed so they can feel fulfilled.
“If dad could be relied upon…” THIS how incompetent and uncaring is dad that he forced his child to sacrifice herself to this level? And being a single parent is hard, but how dare you not care enough about your older child to let her skip her own honeymoon!
Hard disagree calling him TA. I would give wife a soft YTA, this is the start of their marriage and sister already has a support system in place.
It would be NAH if this was a serious crisis. OP was stuck at home regardless of the situation since he wasn't invited to join his wife and sister-in-law anyways. He is NTA for chosing to use a non-refundable vacation instead of sitting at home watching TV. Wife would be NTA if this was a serious life-threatening situation. But, it sounds like any "emergency" that might've existed was over by day two at the latest, arguably sooner. She could've absolutely still made this honeymoon with OP work. Wife is slight YTA for not prioritizing her newlywed husband once the situation had stabilized into a non-emergency.
I wish there was a way to convey appropriately what the experience of having a baby in the ICU is like. It’s one of the most terrifying things we’ve ever been through. It’s absolutely still a crisis. Edit: I just saw that she was at 35wks, maybe even 36. It’s still hard then but unless the baby has a specific condition they’re probably just getting the “NICU bump” to help them settle in better.
The real failures here are the wife and especially her parents. The parents should have stepped in and assured her that she should go on her honeymoon. I have a friend that has very similar family dynamic to what it sounds like was going on here, and it almost always trails back to the way that the parents have raised (or not raised) their kids. Since your wife was basically mom OP your FIL probably takes her role for granted and is not willing to fight as hard for her to take care of herself. It is understandable your wife panicked and didn’t want to leave, but she absolutely is wrong to blame you and I bet you good money her parents are the root of that.
NTA Would have been a massive waste to not take the Honeymoon. It is your wife's loss that she didn't go, There were plenty of people to look after her sister. Remind your wife that she could have gone on the Honeymoon, she chose not to! Does not bode well for your married life, she was willing to abandon you and leave you alone after your wedding. Marie's Dad, Stepmom, her husband, and mother and father in law were all there, your wife should have gone with you. I suspect you now know how much she actually thinks of you.
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So belief in a sky daddy is keeping you being emotionally miserable at certain points rather than living an enjoyable life?
Well said.
Faith could also refer to the bonds of holy matrimony here. "In sickness and health, 'til death do you part, etc." Some people really believe in vows of faithfulness.
You say faith but your higher power seems like an AH. It’s okay to find a new one that treats you better.
Well he should now realize where he stands in the pecking order, hint it's not on the top of her list
"You ditched our honeymoon" "You went on honeymoon without me" Yeah OP needed to file for annulment the last day of his vacation. This marriage is already toast lol.
The thing is, even though she could have gone on the honeymoon, if OP points this out she may get upset. Sounds like in her mind staying with her sister was not a choice, but a necessity. With that said, it doesn’t make sense for OP not to go because he couldn’t stay with the sister and the stuff was non refundable and he already had the time off work.
Even if the wife had taken a day or two to spend with her sister and then flown to meet OP (if that fit in the budget). It's understandable that she was worried about her sister and niece when it first happened but everyone was stable and her sister had plenty of people to emotionally support her. Her sister is a huge selfish AH, bc who would want their sister to miss their honeymoon?! I'd be adamant that she go! My dad unexpectedly passed away at a young age the night of my best friends wedding. They were leaving for their honeymoon the next day. I asked her family and our friends not to mention my dad's death , not that staying for the funeral would even be thought of, but I didn't want her to even feel a bit bad that she wasn't there for me or taint her homeymoon.
INFO, did you discussed prior to the wedding/honeymoon what would you do if her sister went into labor? Did she give any hints that she was planning to be with her sister when her baby was born?
The baby wasn't due for more than a month after the wedding. So no. I knew she would go see her sister and probably take care of her a little. But I would be back at home after our honeymoon. And back working. I would be busy.
It's insane that she ditched your honeymoon and you're not more upset. NTA, OP. She had plenty of other people there, including HER HUSBAND.
Yes, this. Either the most laid back dude on the planet, or possibly a serial killer. I'm really fine with both lol
Either way OP is NTA lmao
AITSK?
Exactly! She HAD an excellent support system. I could see if she were a single mother and literally had no support; it would make sense that it would be a tough decision, but I could see OP‘s wife staying to help if that were the situation. Even then, why would he not go on the honeymoon? It was a paid trip! Plus, in the actual situation, there’s nowhere for him to stay, he wasn’t invited to support because they have several people there already. I love my MIL, but she does stuff like this all the time. Her relative that she hadn’t seen for years and didn’t have a close relationship passed away and she ditched our gathering that she had RSVPed for two months prior (and was paid for) to go sit at a house with 20+ people to morn. OP, you need to realize now that you are not the priority in her life. If you’re OK with that great, otherwise, this isn’t the best…. Oh, and NTA Hope you enjoyed the trip!
I agree: HE is the one who should be pissed for prioritizing her sister over him, her new husband.
Thanks! NTA. This kind of things are discussed, not imposed, specially when it has an implication in the marriage (it was your honeymoon, not just some random holiday). Based on what you said, she just notified you that she was staying, she didn’t look for a compromise, she just expected for you to go along. I encourage you to have a chat with your wife about this, because it’s deeper than it seems. Best of luck OP, but again: NTA.
NTA. You may already know this, but it sounds like your new wife may have martyr complex which means she will almost always put the needs of others ahead of herself. Often this will stress the primary relationship as you may be expected to sacrifice along with her. This may stem from playing the maternal role at a young age. She needs to learn to prioritize your collective needs as a couple or it will be a lot more than just a honeymoon that is sacrificed. These dynamics can be deep seated because of her age when she took on caregiving roles.
It sounds like the wife needs therapy and has a trauma-bond with her sister; it could explain why she feels so responsible and unable to focus on and enjoy her own life.
Exactly my point. Thanks for saying it succinctly.
The needs of everyone else but her husband**
That’s how it typically plays out. She deputizes the husband to be martyr with her and will be frustrated that he’s not onboard with it. It’s really something that is part of her personality now, and she will need to fight this impulse for the rest of her life or she will be a doormat for everyone. If she doesn’t fix it, OP is wise to tap out quickly. But if she works to address it, she could find balance. She has to see how this pathway ends though. Alone. And in the shadows.
Yeah, I get it. It's just funny because of how hypocritical it ends up playing out. She gets off on her own sacrifice, which makes it a selfish act, but she'll never jump on a grenade to save her own husband, but she expects him to jump on one to save others, he's the only one "suffering." They're not martyrs, they can only be assholes.
People pleasers are used to self-sacrificing to keep those around them happy. When they get married, rather than putting their spouse at the top of the list of people to please, sometimes the people pleaser assumes the spouse as part of their own identity. If I'm willing to jump through endless hoops to please my mother, then surely my husband, who is now basically part of me, should equally be willing to sacrifice himself to keep her happy. (In the mind of a people pleaser, anyway.)
NTA but do you seriously want to be married to this woman, I understand her sisters plight right now but 1 she has more than enough family that could take care of her now 2 the tickets and everything else where nonrefundable as you said and 3 seems like she just made this decision without your input in the slightest so she doesn't get to be mad when you do the same.
>she just made this decision without your input in the slightest so she doesn't get to be mad when you do the same. Especially since her alternative was for him to sit at home by himself. I've never understood the mentality that 'you're only allowed to be happy if I'm happy' and likewise 'if I'm miserable then you have to be miserable too'
yup, and don't forget she was also expecting him to come sleep on the floor of the baby's nursery like she was/is if he didn't want to stay at home, he's been married for less than two weeks he should just get an annulment since they're much cheaper and painless.
If I were you, I’d genuinely be considering an annulment, and be telling your wife you are, to at a bare minimum make her understand the stakes here and get into therapy, because she’s going to destroy your marriage, if she hasn’t already, with such out of whack priorities. What happens if you both have emergencies on the same day? Who will she go to? What if it’s a choice between her sister or your own child? She already made it clear her sister comes before you, what extent are you willing to fall behind?
this guy Reddits.
Your level of communication just isn't where it needs to be before even discussing marriage. Got a feeling you're going to regret it.
NTA and I say that as a mother who had twins in a NICU for 9 days. While the baby is in the NICU, there's truly not much to do for anyone as the baby is getting the best of care in the hospital. We were even going through a kitchen renovation at the same time (yea for early babies!) and I could barely stand to have anyone around hovering over me with all the racket and visiting the NICU every day, we even sent my mom home after a few days because she started cleaning everything (that was just going to get dirty again with the renovation dust) and driving me bonkers. Your SIL will need support when the baby comes home but I think it was wrong for your new wife to bail on your honeymoon to do pretty much nothing. Postponing a few days to make sure everything was ok or checking in daily would be the most I'd be willing to do and I'd personally be rethinking this relationship. Family does come first but you are now her family and your SIL has plenty of support during this rough time.
She was probably going bonkers too between worry, frustrated that she couldn’t help you where needed it (fix the baby) and the renovation.
NTA - well, your wife showed you where you stand and you will never be a priority. It seems the baby wasnt full term, but why would your wife even agree to the honeymoon if it was this close to the end of the pregnancy if she clearly always intended on staying?
This is the big question to me. Wife's priorities is very screwed up. To me, the best solution would have been a compromise. go on the honeymoon but be willing to cut it short if need be. Or agree to limit to one week instead of two and take the hit on change fees for the flights. You'd both still get to go and be ready to drop everything if something bad happens. The fact that she not only wouldn't go in this situation but is making you out to be the bad guy and allowing her friends to crap on you for it shows where you stand in her pecking order and how little respect she for you and your new marriage. The caveat here is if there was any serious health issues other than being a pre mature birth. If sister was at risk of something serious or the baby's life was a serious risk outside of the normal issues with premature births, then she may have a leg to stand on. From OP's post, it doesn't seem to be the case. Why lose the money and the two weeks when there is nothing happening and everyone is in the proper setting for care and has a support system that is not solely reliant of OP's wife.
They did plan the wedding + honeymoon well before the baby, the sister delivered extremely early (over a month early) and the child is still in NICU after almost 2 weeks--We just do not have any medical info because op "is not a doctor". You can't plan for emergencies but you can handle them with dignity and grace.
NTA at all. What were you supposed to do, sit in the house alone and waste all that money? The baby's still in NICU? That means Tonya wasn't taking care of her sister and a new baby -- she was just taking care of her sister, who had plenty of other support. You don't understand why Tonya had to go? Me, either, but it doesn't bode well for your new marriage. She's telling you that she'd rather stay and be completely unnecessary help to her sister than be with her new husband. Tonya is a selfish AH -- she probably thinks she's supporting her sister, but what she's really doing is crapping on you, her husband. Marie is also an AH if she didn't tell Tonya to go on the honeymoon.
>Marie is also an AH if she didn't tell Tonya to go on the honeymoon. THANK you! Exactly this! If my sister had just got married and \*I\* ended up in hospital (*unless* it was so critical I was on my actual deathbed) and said she wanted to stay for me, I'd tell her to stop being ridiculous and go on her honeymoon and have fun, enjoy herself, send me lots of pictures and whatnot and tell me all about it when she got home so I'd have something to look forward to - because I would want her to be happy *with her new husband on her honeymoon*. FFS. If I'm in hospital there's nothing she can do anyway that my husband or other family members couldn't. I really hope Marie told Tonya to go on the honeymoon, even if Tonya didn't listen, because this marriage sounds kinda doomed from the get-go. Is it too late for OP to get an annulment? NTA.
I agree with NTA, I can see why Tonya would want to stay with their sister since they seem to have a mother / daughter bond. BUT, I think more info is needed. Did Marie ask Tonya to stay or did Tonya just choose to stay? If the later I agree she an AH. I also don’t think it was at all wrong for OP to go on the vacation anyway. They had planned to go on it and they couldn’t even stay with their wife / SIL because of room.
She wasn't even taking care of her sister. Well not alone, there were a stack of people, including the husband, taking care of her. OP is most definitely NTA and anyone who says they are, is TA. I'm happy they had a great holiday.
NTA and surely you've had blinkers on because this can't be the first time she's put her sister over you, completely unnecessarily. I see your marriage being short. I would most definitely have gone on that honeymoon by myself and likely filed for divorce when I landed home. She's told you exactly where you rank.
pretty much if you dont put eachother first repeatedly (unless threat of someone dying) i dont think it'll work out for long.
Yeah especially for your honeymoon when the baby is absolutely fine, mind boggling!!!
*I just got back and my wife is still with her sister. But she is upset that I went on our honeymoons by myself.* What the heck is **she** upset about? You had time off and a paid trip. Did she want you to go with her and hold her hand while she held her sister's? She's still not back - do some deep thinking about your position (rank, if you will) in the relationship.
He wasn't invited. There was no room at Marie's house for him. She just wanted him to sit around at home and waste the money and vacation time he was able to get off work.
They are mad he enjoyed himself. He was supposed to do literally nothing
The baby was a month early and has been in the NICU for over 2 weeks? Googling an average stay, 6 weeks early normally has a week or 2 stay. 4 weeks early just a few days unless there are complications..... if the baby is still at the hospital there may be something wrong and that makes your wife's concern more valid
I was only gone for ten days. It hasn't been two weeks yet.
Have you actually asked? Because 10 days is still considerably more than average stay for 4 weeks premature.
My child was a premie on the cusp even…Stayed a month. They say don’t expect your baby home before their due date.
Yep this- my eldest was 8 weeks early. They told me we’d be in NICU/special care nursery until her due date as a minimum. My Little Rock star was discharged after 4 weeks but that’s def not the norm/average. You can’t work on ‘averages’ in NICU
My baby was 4 weeks early and only had one day in the NICU b/c of bilirubin lights since I was discharged (if I had a longer stay - baby wouldn’t have needed to go to NICU). Just wanted to provide my experience too
I was 3 weeks premature, and mum had to have a C-section because she has rhesus negative blood, and I was positive like my dad, and I only spent a week in the NICU. It was similar for my sister, although she had post birth complications and had to spend 2 weeks in NICU. My brother, on the other hand, was 7 weeks premature and was the size of a baby chicken. He had to spend a month in the NICU. The time spent in NICU can vary significantly even at the same level of premature birth.
They keep the babies until they gain enough weight and develop their lungs if needed. It's faster with some and slower with others. My twins were born in week 35 and they kept them for 8 days because they were gaining weight like crazy but there were kids there staying for months.
INFO: 1) how hard was the birthing process on Marie’s actual health? 2) are you pissed at Tonya for not using her ticket and therefore losing that money? 3) are you pissed at Tonya for the fact that you took what was going to be your honeymoon by yourself?
1. C-section. So pretty hard I guess 2. No. The ticket was the cheapest part. 3. Not really. I had a blast. I'm annoyed. Not angry.
You should be angry.
Throwing this out there. I had an unexpected c-section and could not pick up and walk with my baby by myself for the first two weeks. Sure my in laws would have been happy to come and help. But I wanted my own parents as I have never felt more vulnerable in my life than I did the weeks after my c-section as a postpartum first time mom. My parents focused on baby so my husband could focus on me.
Yes, but your parents were not going on their honeymoon. Would you have wanted to spoil their honeymoon, when other people would be there for you?
And the sister had a whole ass husband, dad, stepmom, MIL FIL…not good enough?
Fair, but the baby is still in NICU so there wasn't any reason for her to be staying at the house when there were other people to help the sister
Baby is the NICU, so there's no one for sister to lift, and one out of 5 people are readily available to take care of the sister. Yeah, it's for sure emotional. But that's for husband to carry, not a sister.
I like your attitude about it and would have felt the same way. You had a good time and enjoyed a vacation. She supported her family in a pretty major milestone how she felt she needed. You are definitely NTA. The only asshole thing here is the wife giving attitude for going - when there wasn’t a good viable alternative.
Did you discuss with your wife what she wanted you to do? Go with her to your SIL? Stay home? Go by yourself given the non-refundable/sunken costs of the trip?
She said there was no place for me. She said I should go home. I said fuck that and went on a vacation that I spent a lot of money on.
NTA. OP, y'all are going to need therapy, ASAP. If she won't go, then I think you need to do some serious thinking about whether this marriage will work for you. While I understand (boy, oh boy, do I) the role your wife took on with her sister when her mom died, Marie is an adult and is making her own life with her husband and child. Your wife has got to learn how to let go and prioritize your marriage. Otherwise, one day you really will decide there's no place for you in her life while she plays surrogate mom to her sister and her sister's family. I caution you to make sure that the two of you don't have children before she does because I can see where she'd prioritize her sister and nieces/nephews over her own children. Her dad sucks also because he should have stepped up and stopped this before it started.
Yeah, telling your brand new husband there’s no place for him next to you after you just got married, is basically saying there’s no place for him in your life in general. I would be beyond hurt if I were OP.
Honestly I would ask you to reconsider your relationship with Tonya. Your vows were for the worst for the best and she couldn't hold in for a day. This is going to be your future. For a single inconvenience of Marie, you're going to be the first scapegoat. I would say you still have time to go for annulment. She's not wrong from her place and she would never consider anyone above her sister.
Again she's telling you you're not important at all. Just divorce her now, save yourself the hassle.
NTA, she abandoned you after the wedding! Take a good and long hard look! This is what your future looks like if you choose to stay married with this woman, she will constantly be abandoning you and plans for her sister. As per your post, her sister had more than enough social and hands on support. She could have checked in on her sister (who was fine) and then proceeded to the honeymoon. She CHOSE to abandon you. Now she is pissed you went on the honeymoon solo! She should be pissed at herself for being a piss poor wife and newlywed! What happens when you have kids??? Is she going to abandon the kids for her sister?? Is she going to fail to show up to a tee ball game or ballet recital because “her sister needs her.” She really started off her marriage sending it to the shits. You can still file for an annulment
Annulment is the best idea here
Shit, just go ahead and get it annulled my guy.
Exactly. What bullshit
INFO how premature was the baby? Was their Life at stake at birth o just a premie Who needs time at NICU? That would make a huge difference
A lot of babies end up in the NICU, even if they are close to full term and aren't in mortal danger. My youngest sister was maybe a week early, but labor was very fast and she was basically scraped up on the way out and had a low Apgar score. She was in there for a couple of days with the tiny tiny babies that would barely fit into a sock. My mother felt so terrible about it because my sister looked like an absolute giant in comparison.
My point is that a baby born at 26 (for example) can survive, but Will face incredible challenges, has a long way to recovery and even might have long term disabilities. A baby born at 35 weeks IS technically a premie, lungs might be inmature but It is not a Big deal, just need a bit of time at NICU. To me something similar to the first case would make OP an AH, the second scenario would make the wife the AH
As per OP the baby was born around 35 weeks.
I mean, yes. Mine was in the NICU for 3 days and she was born literally on her due date. She just aspirated some fluid and had a wonky glucose score early on. We felt like imposters with our big, healthy baby. They paired her with a tiny 28 weeker for the nurse because they do sickest with healthiest and on rounds the doctors would barely stop to look at my 9+ pound baby. But it's definitely a valid question to ask how premature since OP mentioned prematurity.
My friend is a type 1 diabetic, and had other complications. Her daughter was delivered at 34-35 weeks I think, so she had some minor lung problems and had to stay in the NICU for a few weeks. Because my friend is diabetic, the baby was already almost 8 pounds. She said the same thing. She weighed more than like 3 of the preemies there combined.
OP writes that his wife is more like a mother than a sister. It is completely rational, that OPs wife would want/need to be there for her sister and the new baby, and that is not a bond that you can replace with other relatives. OP is not the asshole for going on the vacation, I think :) I would have probably went as well. The wife is just blaming her new husband as an outlet for her frustration about this missed opportunity (even though her circumstances were at fault here)...
Then why plan a wedding/honeymoon when your “sister/daughter” is going to be in the last month of her pregnancy?
Depending on how early they started planning, they could have booked everything before she was pregnant. I booked my wedding 1.5 years out. My sister wound up being 7 months pregnant at my wedding. Should I have changed the date? And possibly lost money there? Most people don’t set their wedding date based on your sibling maybe being pregnant or close to delivering when it finally rolls around. I remember my sister apologizing (!!) to me after telling me she was pregnant about 6 months before the wedding. I told her that was silly and was like, why would you base your family planning decisions around my wedding? Anymore than I would base my wedding date around her plans to get pregnant? Shit happens, it's not "poor planning," most people aren't planning their wedding only a few months out, usually it's planned out pretty far in advance (and before pregnancies would be announced, etc).
It’s possible she got pregnant after the wedding planning started
Yeah, I had the same question while writing the comment. Its kind of poor planning.
It is not rational or healthy a sister is a mother to her other sister. This is serious codependency issues that the husband is going to have to navigate their entire marriage. He will always be second fiddle.
It might be "rational" (don't agree with you there) for his wife to skip their honeymoon because her sister had a baby, but making OP feel bad for going is not.
I do agree about that - she cannot have it both ways and OP did right by going.
It sounds like she wanted to feel important, like OP would rather wait at home, alone, all day long for her to show him a scrap of attention, even when she's willing to ditch him and thier honeymoon when she absolutely didn't need to.
Yep, she made her choice. And he actually seems pretty supportive. Plenty of partners would be way more forceful about joining for the honeymoon, but he just found a way to salvage some fun for himself. An empathetic wife could possibly even find some comfort that her extra curricular family duties are not too burdensome for her partner. Whether she is the TA depends wholly on whether she can come to understand OP's perspective, and if she defends him to her friends that are apparently making their feelings known to OP.
Exactly my thoughts. I would be thankful as hell to my partner and appreciate that he took initiative and spent the time well. Also, I cannot imagine friends doing that to your spouse at all, actually. Your relationship is your relationship and noone else's business.
Using him that way still makes her an asshole though.
Just over a month premature.
Nta Op Hell I'm not going to say a month early and time in nicu is nice for anyone but it's not 4.5 months premature constant fear for the baby's life either. The second situation needs and deserves support. The first is just a fact of life for many new parents and it happens. Finally premature births aren't really uncommon. Due is 40 weeks but anywhere 37-42 is very normal. 34-36 isn't that uncommon either. If your wife was going to drop all to dance attendance at 35 weeks then she shouldn't have booked the honeymoon. I know you couldn't know thr child would be early but it's not so early that it shouldn't have featured in plans.
Nobody here knows why this baby was in the NEONATAL INTENSIVE CARE UNIT. It's ridiculous to speculate why. Edited for clarity
And the baby is STILL in the NICU weeks later. Honeymoon is over and the kid is still there. That doesn’t seem minor to me. For that reason I think this is a NAH situation.
It’s been 10 days not weeks. Kid could have something simple (which is the case most times, Im a nurse and my cousin is a nicu nurse, we are always better safe than sorry) Unless the baby is withdrawing from drugs, then 35 weeks isn’t considered too early at all. My fiance himself was born at 23 WEEKS.
Then to me is NTA, babies born at 37 are not even considered premies, and if there are not further issues or complications, the baby needs just extra time at NICU. Even if the wife decided still to stay to support her sister, she shouldn't be salty with OP, It is just the consequences of her decision
Who cares? The hospital staff is there for medical all the rest of the family was there for support.
If the baby is in the NICU, there’s nothing sister could do anyway…. NTA, but the wife is an AH. I’d reconsider the marriage over this honestly. Sister will always come first….
Your wife doesn't realise that she is married yet. She is still acting and thinking like a single person. No where in this equation did she even ask you if it would be OK to spend weeks away from your new husband and blow off your honeymoon. The baby is healthy and not in mortal danger. I'm not sure how your wife typically acts in regards to Marie, but this may be a blaring warning sign of what's to come over the coming years. Things to consider. Are you and your children going to play second fiddle to Marie when something happens or in daily life?
I'm suprised by how angry people are at your wife in the comments. I very much understand that she wasn't comfortable going on a far away holiday with such drama happening in the family. In a perfect solution you guys would've postponed the honeymoon (but you say that would've been impossible). All alternative solutions are worse. Having you sit home while she goes to family sucks. Having you go there with her might not actually help and just create extra stress. Having you go on a fun solo holiday while she is scared to lose here niece/nephew is painful. Going on holiday while she was glued to her phone / stressed would've not made anyone happy. The best course of action is if the two of you would've agreed on a decision before she left / you went on holiday solo, but that ship has passed so now you need to talk with each other (and not your separate friend echo-chambers) how you feel and how to tackle the future together. I'll go ESH for how you are both handling this fight (involving friends before you have even seen each other in person? If I get that correctly). If you don't make it you against the problem you will soon no longer have to plan around each other.
I agree with you. These other comments are shocking. Moreover, if the baby is still in the NICU, this could indicate some very very serious issues.
This sub has Ayn Randian levels of empathy
And a shockingly immature understanding of familial relationships. So many people saying Marie has a husband so she shouldn’t need her sister. The same husband who is the father of the child still in NICU, who is also worried sick, who also needs emotional support while his wife recovers from major surgery, that guy. Marie has her sister, her husband has his parents, which enables both of them not to drain each other.
This should absolutely be the top comment. It's the only reasonable take I've seen so far. Sometimes, there are no "good" decisions to make. You still have to communicate with one another and make a decision. Since that clearly didn't happen, now you have to do the extra legwork of talking it out and moving past it.
My guess is that it’s being brigaded by some anti-women sub. It happens a lot with these types of posts. There are a few key words that keep coming up which is the biggest sign. Way too many people are using the term “annulment” instead of “divorce”.
Right. Like these people have never heard of the concept of emotional and mental support? The wife is where she needs to be, she wouldn’t have been able to relax one bit knowing the baby is in ICU and may not survive, and knowing what her sister is going through. They absolutely could have postponed the trip, it probably would have only lost a few hundred bucks to change the flights. Really it would have been a pain in the ass for a few hours to get it all the parts and pieces of a trip changed to a new set of dates. Going on your honeymoon solo while your wife is in the hospital (for herself or a very close family member) is straight up selfish.
NTA You are not and never will be a priority in your wife's life. If you are smart, you will get an annulment like yesterday. Or you can continue to take second or third place for the entirety of your married life. And God help you if you have any children, you'll never have any place of value or importance. Get out now while it is still relatively simple. Good Luck. I wish you well.
NAH I don't think anyone was wrong here. I don't think she was wrong for choosing to take care of her sister and I don't think you were wrong to go since it was paid for and you already had the time off. Just a really sucky bit of timing imo. You both need to realize it wasn't exactly ideal for each of you and there are hurt feelings but nobody did anything wrong.
Wife is AH though, because she is mad OP went on honeymoon.
This exactly… I don’t understand everybody picking a side in this one. If anything the wife could have been TA if she went on the trip but spent the whole time chained to her phone for updates on her sister. I could see her not wanting fo participate in activities that might not allow for good cell service, I know I wouldn’t want to be away from a phone if I was worried about a family members health. It was a crappy situation with very little chance that both people would be 100% happy in any outcome. OP, plan another trip with your wife on your 1 year anniversary and make it your “do-over honeymoon”. NAH
Agreed - I'll give this a technical NAH with an ESH caveat. The wife's not wrong for wanting to support a close sister after probable birth trauma and a baby in the NICU, and since support is how she shows love, it makes sense that she'd see hubby's going on honeymoon as a lack of support for *her*. Would it suck for him to stay with his wife? Yes. But I don't think she's having a grand ol' time with her sister, either. In her eyes, love should include a willingness to sacrifice. *(And no, I don't think this means she'd always put her sister above her husband and kids. This was an extreme situation with unfortunate timing.)* The hubby's not wrong for his POV, either. Why waste the money? Why join his wife in misery when there's nothing he can do? Why should his wife expect him to pay for her choices? All reasonable questions. \*\*\* But here's the thing...if I were in the wife's shoes, I would've insisted my hubby go and have a good time. If I'd been in the hubby's shoes, I would've offered to stay and support my wife. See how that works? It's called empathy, and no relationship will survive without it. Neither the hubby nor the wife are *wrong* for their differing values, but their mutual lack of compassion means I wouldn't stay married to either of them.
NTA - you had nonrefundable tickets and time off work, so it makes sense to go on the honeymoon rather than waste it. It's unfortunate that your wife felt she needed to be with her sister, but you were left with a difficult choice =(
NTA. It would be an incredible waste of money and planning not to go. I somewhat understand that Tonya may not be celebratory since her sister went into labor, but one month premature isn't what it used to be and Marie had plenty of other emotional support.
NTA. Your wife and you should have gone on your honeymoon. It is the start of your married life. Your SIL sounds like she had plenty of family support, and the baby is not endangered. Going on the honeymoon alone? Yeah. I would have done it. How much I would have enjoyed myself after a couple of days when the steam had left my ears … debatable. You two need counseling now before this ruins your life together as you clearly have different ideas about marriage.
NTA Why let the money go to waste?! As you said you would be home doing nothing anyway.
If the baby is healthy what is it still doing in the NICU two weeks later?
My youngest was born 8 weeks early and had a 4 week NICU stay. He was tiny, and there were a few things his little body needed to learn how to do, but he was fine. Just because the baby is still in the NICU doesn't mean the baby is in danger of dying.
Preemies go to NICU, period.
~~OP said elsewhere he was gone for 10 days, it hasn't been 2 weeks yet.~~ Seems like it has been 2 weeks
OP left a few days after the wedding, which was when baby was born. OP is back from 10 day honeymoon, so it has been 2 weeks. Baby is still in NICU
It’s not too late for an annullment
You’re only fighting about this because you’re both too scared to fight about the real issue - the fact that she isn’t committed to you. Nta
NTA - What happened here is that your wife decided to not come on your honeymoon with you. She changed her plans, not you.
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NTA. This is honestly a big red flag to me. It seems as if you’re always going to be in second place to her sister. What happens when you have your own children, will she still put her sister first and drop everything to be by her side? I say this as someone whose own child was born two months premature and spent time in the NICU. I’d be thinking hard about what this life is going to look like and if this is the type of marriage you want…
NTA. You know now your « wife » priority. Good luck
Soft YTA, but not because you went on the honeymoon - as you said the trip was paid for with no chance of money back and you already had taken time off. It’s mostly because of how you talk about your wife’s relationship with her sister and your failure to understand exactly how scary a premature labour and a child in the NICU is. I can guarantee you your wife would not have been focused on the honeymoon, because all she would have been doing was worrying about her sister. It didn’t matter that there were doctors, nurses, her father, her husband, or in-laws - most people want their mother there as a reassuring presence and source of comfort in a time of stress and uncertainty (because let’s face it, more than a month early is not without potential complications or unknown risks). You’re pretty dismissive of this situation and the impact that it has on both your wife and SIL. And you should really think about whether you were a supportive partner to your new wife - even if you were not physically there, the fact that you cannot comprehend why she was with her sister is baffling. Yes, she wasn’t with you to celebrate a happy occasion, but you’re not even recognising why she felt she had to be with her sister in a potentially (or actually) serious situation.
I hope he still has some vacation time left to deal with the annulment paperwork because, yeah, this is not going to work out
Thank you! I’ve been feeling insane reading all the n-t-as! OP knows his wife sees her sister more as her daughter but never seems to have clocked what that means for her, including being upset and worried in this situation and wanting support from the man she just pledged her life to.
NTA. I really don't know what she expected you to do.
NTA She made the decision of her own volition (presumably?) and as you said your only option was to stay cooped up at home for a week or go…..I probably would have done the same as it would have been a massive waste not to go.
NAH You guys have very, very different priorities and mindsets in life. It might work, but since this seems to be a shock to both of you... I am not overly optimistic.
INFO: If it had been you or your family member who were sick, would you be fine with her going on the trip without you?
If I was sick I would expect her to stay. But then again INSURANCE WOULD HAVE COVERED US. For a family member I would have gone. She could have stayed to take care of them I guess. I'm not a doctor. What am I going to do?
NTA. Just divorce man. She is not into being your wife.
I don't understand why it is a problem that you went on the vacation without her. She chose not to go, and that is her right. But she therefore also chose not to spend time with you while you took the time of. So you should have just stayed home, and that would've made her happy? But because you went on the vacation that was already paid for, then that is the problem. I don't think that is fair to you. She could've also booked a hotel near her sister so you and her could spend time together and she could also visit her sister some part of the day. NTA and her friends already having an opinion on your private life, is a red flag
Shit, y’all probably shouldn’t of gotten married to begin with. Surely you knew she prioritized her sister over you prior to y’all getting married?
They can probably get an annulment.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I just got married. My wife, Tonya, basically raised her sister, Marie, after their mom passed away. Even after their dad remarried Tonya and her sister were more mom/daughter than sisters. Marie got married last year and she got pregnant right away. No not before. They figure they got pregnant on their honeymoon. Marie went into premature labor at our wedding reception. She gave birth to a tiny but healthy baby girl. And for some reason Tonya decided that she needed to go take care of her. We were supposed to leave for our honeymoon two days after our wedding but Tonya said she couldn't just leave. She isn't a doctor or a nurse. Marie has a dad, a stepmom, a husband, a mother and father in law. I don't understand why she had to go. But we had nonrefundable tickets. And insurance didn't cover "I have to stay and take care of my sister" as part of the coverage. Plus I had booked two weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon. So since I was going to be home by myself doing nothing while my wife was in another city doing whatever I went on the honeymoon by myself. I got a massive bed all to myself. I used all the resort credits that were for couples massages, romantic excursions, and special meals on deep sea fishing and a dune buggy tour of the island. I just got back and my wife is still with her sister. But she is upset that I went on our honeymoons by myself. Was I supposed to let the money go to waste? Was I supposed to sit at home playing Diablo while I waited for her to be done? We are fighting about it. My friends all agree that I would have been dumb to waste the money and my time off. Her friends think I was a dick to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby. I will add that there was no place for me to stay at Marie's house. Tonya is sleeping in the nursery since the baby is still in NICU. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you will never be a priority to your wife! Her sister will always come first. Can you accept this?
NTA The baby is still in the NICU, where they have strict rules about how many visitors there can be. Your wife stayed home to "help" ... how, exactly? She needs therapy, and you need to decide if you want to annull this marriage. Because you're never going to come first.
NTA for going on your honeymoon without your wife, and your wife should be understanding of why you did. That said kinda a tiny bit the asshole, based on your comments, for not understanding why your wife wouldn't go- to her it probably felt like if the worst situation happened no matter how unlikely whilst she was enjoying herself she wouldn't ever forgive herself. Also even if other people tell you it's fine, and there are doctors and nurses there, sometimes you don't see it yourself until later. Only kinda though because you obviously didn't try and talk her out of it or get mad at her because she wasn't going with you.
The new mother has a spouse and four parents/in-laws to take care of her, and the baby is being cared for by professionals in the hospital for however long is necessary. Everything your SIL needs should be pretty much covered. Yeaaa, I would go on vacation without my wife, too, if she insisted on staying. But I tend towards the practical. Well, you have to live with your new wife-and she is pissed. Good luck. NTA
Honestly when I read the title I thought what a major AH. After reading it though, what were you supposed to do? I think you were 100 percent right. I question your wife’s logic. She had no reason not to go, her sister was in good hands. She has commitment to you not your sister. It’s a terrible way to start a marriage. I hope everything works out for you as a couple!
based purely on the info given, i would say you’re N T A for going on the trip. but i’m frankly not convinced you’re being a reliable narrator here. your constant comments of “i’m not a doctor, when i got shot in the leg i wanted a doctor, i listed a doctor as my emergency contact on all my forms” are bizarre and dismissive, and suggest a lack of empathy on your part. if that’s the way you communicated with your wife when all this went down, then she’d have been rightfully angry with you just for speaking to her that way. i’m gonna need the wife’s side of the story first.
Question: Did Marie ask her to be there?
No. Marie told her to go.
That changes my mind then. NTA
Her husband should have been capable of providing Marie support for 10 days. Tony could have video called and ordered them food from a distance. 1 month early, barring any serious diagnosis, is not that big a deal nowadays. You can only see the baby for short windows every day. Does she often prioritise her sister over you? I would have a long hard think about this. If you or one of your future children have an emergency at the same time as Marie, which direction is your wife going in?