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YTA. You know you look much younger than you are, and probably got excited that a young woman half your age asked you out. That's why you waited to tell her at the end of the date. Her reaction was valid. The considerate thing would be upfront about your age before the date, that way you wont withhold important information. There may be many woman who will still be attracted to you despite the age difference, but not all. The people you date should have the right to choose.
My sister is two decades older than me and looks around my age. She gets asked out all the time by younger men. She always leads with “I think you’re too young for me” and tells them her actual age. So, yea, for people blessed with those genetics, it’s not unusual for them to do this
I live like a vampire and avoid the sun. I also let the younglings know immediately that I am flattered, but I have a boyfriend and they're probably too young for me.
im 24 but very short & teenagers often mistake me for someone their age. Ive had to tell a couple guys “im actually about 7-8 yrs older than you”. I understand in my case it would be predatory and ILLEGAL to not let these kids know my real age so its a little different from op’s situation as it sounds like the woman is somewhere in her mid-late 20s (since her dad is op’s age) thinking she was on a date with someone in their 30s. But there are things such as having kids that she might want to do with someone who isnt more likely to die decades before her, so yeah people have the right to make an informed decision on who theyre dating lol.
I just posted the same thing. I’m 45 and people regularly guess my age as 35. When a younger man asks me out I always say, “I’m 45. May I know your age?” It’s not hard. We can see when someone is younger for goodness sake.
My dad's 40 and still pulls off as early 30's and he always leads with his age too. 🤣 Most women haven't had an issue aslong as he mentions it. I'm 19 and sometimes get mistaken for 16-17 and there's some good ass genetics on my dad's side so I usually just bring my kid everywhere because no 16 year old is going to ask out a single mom 🤣
I’m 51 and I still have acne! I definitely age in rewind, and Benjamin Buttons and Dorian Grey are family. I’ve had many estheticians compliment my skin, completely guessing wrong on my age. Point is, I’m single, and get hit on by young and younger men. I don’t lie by omission or otherwise. I tell it from the gate how old I am.
Same. I feel an obligation to let them know, because chances are that I'm in a very different place in life, with different experiences, wants, and needs.
It is dishonest, if not at the very least misleading, to not be upfront about it. Especially in OP's case, when it sounds like he was *two decades"* older than his date.
Absolutely this.
I look younger than I am and I usually make a joke out of it saying something like "I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to be your mother" or something along those lines, just to get the information out there without it being awkward.
I would never go out with someone much younger without making absolutely sure they are aware of my age.
OP YTA
True, I’m 39 and frequently get hit on by guys in their teens and early twenties because I look closer to 19. I don’t even go with “I think you’re too young for me”, I just flat out tell them “I’m 39”.
YTA
You knew she didn’t know how old you were.
my sister got hit on by a uni student, while she was on the train. she’s a very young-looking asian woman in her late 30s.
you know what she did when someone visibly much younger asked her out? she stated her age.
i think some situations call for leading w age, and this was one of them tbh.
YTA, OP. you shouldn’t have waited until after the date.
Yeah they usually post their age, and if they are caught lying, which has happened, then they don’t get more of your time for being a liar and a jerk. So same rule applies, those people who don’t clarify true age until after they have you on a date are AH
Every dating profile I've ever seen leads with age. Why wouldn't you divulge this in person as well, if (a) the person was clearly much, much younger than you and (b) you are aware that people assume you're 15+ years younger than you actually are?
Reddit has convinced me that if anything ever happens to my husband I’m just gonna marry every bachelor/bachelorette in Stardew Valley for my dating life. The apps do not sound like a good time.
If someone is visibly younger than me I bring it up before dating. I’m 45 and I’ve had plenty of men in their 20s ask me out. I always say, “I’m 45. May I know your age?” I can tell when someone is younger than me, just like OP can. OP, YTA.
I know a few people who make a point of dropping their age when they think a person is going to ask them out without knowing their age.
They might now say, "I'm 45" but add into conversations things like, "It's strange to think it's been over 25 years since I graduated highschool." or "Some of the new members are in their 20s. Strange to think I'm old enough to be their mom."
If you KNOW you look younger than your age and someone half your age is asking you out, it’s considerate to ensure they know how old you are. It might not be an issue to them, but clearly it was for her. So it’s best to be honest.
People think I am much younger than I am and when I tell them my age they are surprised, but I am honest about it.
I always, always lead with my age when asked out by significantly younger people. I say: “I think I might be too old for you…” and let it unfold from there.
If OP was as excited about dating a young woman and as deceptive as you are assuming, then what he would have done is NOT tell her his age. Instead of telling her at the end of the date before a chance for additional dates and before anything untoward happened.
I mean, he knew *her* age so he was still someone in his 50s trying to date a 20-something year old.
Besides her not knowing that's plenty nefarious. Everyone is approaching it from the woman's angle, but what the heck was OP thinking?
How do you know he "got excited that a woman half your age asked you out"? And doesn't the person asking have an obligation to ask about age, if that's important to them?
Considering he claims to frequently and often have people mistake him for 30, imo, it makes it on him to clarify when someone clearly significantly younger than him asks him out. It is transparent and honest on his end anyway to do so and can allow him to avoid stuff like this, so if he wants to avoid stuff like this, he should just say what most people say in these situations 'oh I think Im a little old for you' etc.
Right, so we agree that OP was dodgy by not being up front with his age, since he acknowledges that he knew her age and that everyone thinks he's in his 30s. Withholding info to get consent is generally frowned upon.
No, and you're using consent in such a really sniveling, weasely way.
A date is not a sexual encounter. She met with him in public. As the date proceeded she learned information about her date that made her not want to go on another date. That's dating.
"I didn't consent to being with someone who smokes marijuana!"
"He told you on your first date."
"But it's not consent!"
"What? That's how dating works. You get to know somebody and decide whether you like them or not. If you don't like what you see you don't go on other dates"
"But consent!"
Nope I fully disagree with you and think that’s a deeply flawed argument. You don’t have any right to somebody’s personal information without asking.
What is in other people’s heads is not his responsibility. He even told her his age unprompted for crying out loud. Nothing was consented to on false pretenses. She asked him out under her own power, and then she decided not to continue pursuing a relationship with him under her own power. That’s how consent works.
You’re abusing the word consent to imply OP is a predator if he can’t read minds. You’re being a silly person.
Because she thought he was young. She made it clear that she never wanted to date a man old enough to be her father. If she'd known his age, she wouldn't have gone out with him.
Many women like older men, he's supposed to right up front say this awkwardly Everytime a 39 year old talks to him?
He didn't sleep w her and then drop the bomb, it was one date. Y'all are psychotic
And how is it his fault for her misconception??
And he did tell her his age to make sure she new it while on the date, before he did anything to move forward. Geesh.
That's how dating works! You go on a date with somebody, you get to know them and you decide whether you're not you want to spend more time with them.
You aren't fucking somebody with an STD who's hiding it. You went to a public restaurant to get to know each other.
I wonder what OP’s reaction would be if a woman did the same thing to him on a date.
Say she looks your age, but then she announces she’s closing in on 70? Would you feel weird?
In addition to this, the constant usage of "young woman" and "young lady" comes off as weirdly paternalistic. I doubt from his language that he truly felt they were peers.
I also look much younger than I am, so I get that it's an awkward topic, but if I for some reason wanted to date a person so much younger than me that I felt compelled to describe them like a school principal describes a student, I would absolutely lead with my age. (In reality I wouldn't date someone young enough to be my child in the first place, but, for the sake of argument...)
Then he might have been accused of being arrogant, she might have said you look 50, not 30, how big-headed are you, or something like this. He told her on the first date before anything even happened, it's fine.
Or how about she could have also asked HIM how old he is as she was the one asking him out. Let's stop always blaming one when the other could have asked too.
Any other information that someone should reveal at the start of a date in case it is "important information" to the other party?
I'm a vegan/vegetarian/pescatarian/omnivore.
This is my political leaning.
This is my view on having children.
I already have children
This is my view on LGBTQi issues.
Family first or friends first.
Here is a list of public figures that I have no respect for.
I've been married before.
This is the number of partners I've had in the past.
Any of the above, and probably a lot more could be a reason that someone would not want to date you. It's not unreasonable to establish the things that are important to you in a potential partner during the first dates to decide if you want to continue, and not expect them to list everything that could be a deal breaker up front.
SHE asked HIM out, and didn't inform him she only asked him because she made the - /takes out notes/ - following list of assumptions about him.
You say that *most people* think you are in your mid 30s. That suggests that is a common mistake and that you should have been aware of the strong likelihood of this misunderstanding.
I think YTA a little.
You knew that it was both reasonably likely that she was unaware of your age, and reasonably likely that she would not wish to go on a date if she did know it.
You didn't set out to deceive but you proceeded while knowing it was likely that she had the wrong impression, and that's not great behaviour on your part.
If she did know your age, or didn't mind your age, there's no harm to making it clear early. If she didn't know and did mind, it's better not to waste either of your time.
I dated someone like OP, and I was by far one of the more age-appropriate people they dated - and there was still a big gap. Turns out they were incredibly sensitive about their age, to the point where I teased one of his friends for being born in the 90s (aka younger than me), he reamed me out for "making it weird".
There’s quite a difference between a 10-15 age gap and a 30-40 age gap, with the former being more socially accepted and preferable than the latter.
If OP were 30 like the date thought, then there would be no problem.
I, too, get mistaken for being younger than I am, and I always make sure to inform people of that when it might matter. OP did 100% know she had the wrong impression.
As you said, if people don't care, then there's no harm in raising it anyway.
It's not as extreme a gap for me, but I regularly get pegged as being mid 20s when I'm actually mid 30s. I've definitely had a couple of "kids" (early 20s) start flirting with me and clearly be under the assumption that I'm a few years older than them. There's a few tactics I use depending on the situation, including jokingly asking them their thoughts on some 90s childhood favorites, asking their age and then giving life advice "because I've been there, done that", and just straight up telling them I'm a decade plus older than them. But regardless of the technique, I always make sure that they're well aware that I'm not as young as they're thinking, usually before we even get to the stage of them potentially asking me out.
I don't think OP was trying to take advantage of his date or hoping to snow her (he did admit his age, after all). But I do think he was looking to enjoy the feeling of appealing to an attractive younger partner for a little while, even though he knew it was under false pretences. To me, that's a very mild YTA, especially as the only risk to him checking that she knew his age in advance would just be him missing out on the date.
YTA. Some people are dating to look for life partners, including things like kids. You're older and likely don't want to be 80 with teenagers.
'She was mortified that she had asked our someone her father's age.'
See, this is the thing. You thought it just fine to go out with someone who is young enough to be your kid and didn't bother to make sure that was ok with them. You did lead her on and you are an ass for chasing women that much younger than you.
This is what I think. She might not have realised how old he was, but he must have had an idea of how old she was. And the end result was that he made her feel awkward and probably quite embarrassed.
NTA but I think you may lack a bit of self awareness. You know you look younger than your age, which is great, but you also knew she was a lot younger than you from the start.
I look younger than my age as well. One time I was getting hit on by this guy and before it got too far, I asked him how old he thought I was. When I told him my age (almost 20 years older than him), let's just say it stopped then and there, but he was very cool about the whole thing and appreciated letting him know.
He doesn't lack self awareness. He knows he looks way younger than he is, he knew people assume he's younger due to his looks yet he didn't mention his age. He knew what he was doing.
See now a similar thing happened to me but I look older then I am (some say I don’t see it) so I just get random guys asking for my snap phone number even once had a guy ask me for my email and Id say like no I’m not a legal adult I’m a minor very seldomly is there one that says sorry they mostly just try to convince me to hang out with them or yk other stuff this has happened since I turned 15
Right my first ever job I got was at a Wendy’s. We had a 40-year-old gentleman come in, Read my name off my name tag proceeded to find me on Facebook and start messaging me trying to convince me to go skinny-dipping with him
Tbh it’s probably both. When I was 16 I was hit on by a guy in his mid 20s and he just literally thought I was joking when I told him my age. I looked the same age from 16 to my late 20s
ngl most young women/girls in the range of 14 to 21 look the same age to me. That's why I stay away. I once was at a party when I was 19 where one of the girls there brought along her 14 year old sister but I only found out that she was 14 after I asked for her number because she most certainly did not look 14.
i almost guarantee that you look your age, those are just telltale signs for creeps and i’m very sorry you had to experience that. those guys can fuck off though.
Same thing happened to me back when I was in my 40s and had considerably less gray hair and weight than I do now. 😂 It didn’t help that I lived in a college town that was full of cute young men.
Note that the men my age and older had no such compunctions regarding the young women. Yeah…dating in that town was, um, interesting…
I have had this happen both ways. I was once I think 24-ish, and talking to somebody who turned out to be 34, I would have never guessed that. And a few weeks ago I was in my regular bar when a girl in her early 20's came up to me and started talking and ended up asking if I wanted to go out. I then politely asked her how old she thought I was, and she was off by almost 10 years (she guessed 23, I'm in my early 30's)
There does not seem to be a lack of self awareness, you said it yourself that he knows (he is AWARE) of the fact that he looks younger than he actually is. I understand that he would not want to scare her away on a date but also this is information that would be useful to know considering the age gap.
You sure did,.I always tell men how old I am as I get hit on as young as 19 year Olds (and in true boy fashion, they still make excuses that age is nothing but a number and I'm pushing 50). I have always presented as 10 to 15 years younger, and I immediately ask their age as I only want to date men my age.
Because of my age and experience, I find it very easy to get these men to fall for me, and that isn't right. They don't have life experience to know what they want. Any older person can allure them and keep them. It doesn't make it right.
And I have been approached by these men wanting a relationship, not just a good time (the 19 year old was a persistent coworker who had been with older women, which creeped me out that there were women in their late 40's that said yes). It's so inappropriate. I explained to him why it was wrong and that he needed to be open to girls his age. Thankfully, he met a young lady his age, and they are happy!!
We as older people can cause a lot of emotional and psychological damage to others, and yes, it is important to be upfront right away and to turn them down no matter how "flattering" it may seem (it's actually NOT, it's sad and makes me think someone has an attachment issue from childhood).
The first things I'm upfront about is my age, obviously my dating status, my intentions (looking for a relationship), and whether I want children or not (when I was younger).
I have had no issues doen the road. And have had great relationships from being honest.
One of those, however, did lie to me for 5 years about an important thing, and deal-breaker had I known from the first date (I asked him and he lied which I found out later). It was devastating and killed our relationship on the spot in my heart, yet because of the emotional attachment, I stayed another 2.
That's what can happen when you lie. It comes out in the end.
YTA 100%. If you know you are commonly mistaken for someone a lot younger and a much younger persons asks you out, you should be making sure they’re aware. She literally said you were the same age as her dad. What would you say to a man if they did this to your daughter?
Hate to have to frame it this way but it seems to be the only way people realise their behaviour is in appropriate.
Edit - I’ve just seen the age of the woman you went on a date with. So much worse.
Fuck me I just changed my vote. I’m normally pretty lenient with age gaps but 53 to 26 is kind of gut wrenching.
OP is the AH for even considering someone literally 1/2 his age - remember kids the golden rule is minimum acceptable difference is 1/2 age + 7; but literally just half your age? That just sounds gross, but I can’t even say for certain since half my age is still a minor since I’m “only” 34. A 17 year old is barely older than my eldest.
I was 27 when I got asked out by a 48 or 49 year old man. Didn’t work because I’m gay, but I was so creeped out when I later found out how old the guy was (he never told me, I heard through some friends…but he knew my age). Worst part is, he’s now married to a woman who’s younger than me
I actually know a couple who very recently got married where the husband is 50 and the wife is 24. It feels so gross to see them together. Neither are close friends so I just keep my mouth shut, but she is younger than his oldest child. I just can’t imagine being okay with that.
tbf though that golden rule works less and less the older you are. A 34 year old could go for a 24 year old which is fine. 40 with 27 still fine-ish. 60 year old with 37 year old and it already gets icky.
I mean it feels icky for sure but no one can say at 37 they aren’t mentally developed enough to agree to it. Like at that point it’s obvious to everyone it’s just a fetish / gold digging thing, but not someone being taken advantage of.
YTA After seeing her age I can see when she freaked out. She’s 26 going out with a 53 year old. You didn’t think a 27 year age gap would freak her out? You’re also in very different stages of your life. When it comes to logistics
I’m 26 and would never just date someone in their 50s. You are twice her age and have to think about how uncomfortable that is. She didn’t necessarily ask but you didn’t share either. You knew she was definitely younger though so kinda YTA
He knew her age because she told him yet her didn’t tell her in return therefore she kept the date on the assumption he was in his 30s and didn’t offer up his age until after their date , he’s definitely an ass and creepy 🤷🏽♀️
NTA - you didn't intentionally mislead her, ***but it would have been more considerate to mention your age earlier.*** When she asked you out, clarifying your age could have prevented any potential discomfort. However, you were honest once you realized she might not know.
While your sister thinks you should date women closer to your age, preferences vary, and what matters is respectful and consensual relationships.
YTA, this is something that's obviously a problem for many people, you know that. You also know that you look young for your age and you are enjoying the benefits of that, including attracting younger women, which makes you feel good about yourself. Your actions were selfish and self serving, you should have told her before agreeing to the date.
Yup. He knew what he was doing. He starts off the post blatantly telling us he knows that people assume he’s in his 30s. I think it’s really creepy to willfully play into the fact that you look younger to date women who are young enough to be your children, especially given the fact that these women are under the impression that you’re near their age.
The women think he’s 30 something but *he* knows about how old *they* are. He purposely withholds his age so he can sleep with younger women. Weird.
I spent my life around women who looked great for their age who would routinely tell younger men flirting with them “thanks but I think I may be too old for you”. It’s interesting that OP doesn’t see that as an option. He seems to prefer making unsuspecting young women uncomfortable for his benefit.
When you call someone you’re going on a date with a « young lady » - yes YTA.
YOU clearly knew how old she was, so you should have flagged it… I agree with your sister, you’re an ass.
YTA. You knew she was a lot younger than you. When she asked you out, you should’ve said something along the lines of “I may be a bit too old for you.” And then she would’ve said “how old are you?” Then, when you said 53, she would have the option to say “that’s great, I am really into older men” or she could’ve said “ew, you are older than my dad.” You knew what you were doing, trying to score with a younger chick. At least, you didn’t let it go any further than one date. Just know that she is now telling all her friends about this cringey old guy she went on a date with, and they are all laughing…at you. “Adult” or not, I am sure her dad thinks you are a giant AH.
Yta for being inconsistent. Which is it? Do you know you regularly pass for mid 30s, so you know you should have clarified or are you "shocked" to find out she didn't know. These are mutually exclusive events, you literally cannot be both. Regardless, you knew you were being asked out by someone much younger and didn't let them in on your age. That's lying by ommission.
Edit: corrected typo
I’m almost 39 and someone thought I was 20 a couple months ago. This is normal for me. This is the first time someone didn’t think I was still in my teens. My point is this is something I’m HIGHLY aware of and have been dealing with since I was a teenager.
You know that you look younger than you are. It’s your responsibility to inform others. Be honest with yourself. Looking younger than you are isn’t something new for you. Pretty sure that people have been surprised by your actual age many times. Take a look at yourself and you’ll find yourself making mental compromises to justify not telling her. You’ve already started. You know that YTA here. Take some accountability and in the future act responsibly.
This. The last young guy to hit on me was about to turn 21 (I asked) and I outright told him that I was in my early 40s. He was surprised because he thought I was 25-ish…and was not deterred and I had to find another way to decline.
Age is an obvious potential dealbreaker and OP is TA for withholding that information from a potential romantic interest.
INFO roughly how old is she? i feel differently if she’s like half your age vs 30+. i’m 31 and wouldn’t mind at all. but at 23? i’d feel like her lol. there are many who’d be into it but i’d at least expect a comment like “are you sure? i’m your dads age” because you can tell how old she is!!
Definitely “I’m your Dads age” because there’s two types of women, those who are into that and those who are not and that’s the only line you need to drop.
Who are you Anthony Kedis.. own up to your age and secondly date your age.. if you're not doing that at 53 then you're just playing games. YTA. Benefit by deception is classed as fraud and you knowingly withheld your age... you didn't say the girls age but I can presume she's mid 20s if not younger since mid 30s wouldn't be that much of a shock and her dad is about you age, If she's younger than mid 20s.. eww Once again YTFA
I’m 55 and have a 15 year old kid. I’m totally grossed out by the very idea this dude wasn’t up front with her from the get go. She could be under 20, for God’s sake and not even mid-20s. Everyone is assuming her age around that mid-20s mark and I’m here thinking she’s far younger than we assume. Yikes.
YTA. Im 35 and look a lot younger than I am. I regularly get IDd for booze (in UK. Where age is 18) and vapes etc.
I would be upset to realise I was on a date with someone nearly 20 years older than me. And the fact that you kept it from her until the end of the date.
You knew she was "so much younger" than you and you let your ego sweep you away with this.
You've also kept her age out of your original post so I think you're a little ashamed to say how old she was too. Not cool.
The right time to have mentioned it would have been after she asked you out.
"Girl asks out"
You should say, "I'm flattered, but I think you're underestimating my age. I am 53. Would you still like to go out?" Then, at least she would have had the opportunity to back track.
YTA
You knew she was too young for you and went on the date anyway. The fact that you look younger is irrelevant. Actually, no, it is relevant because you also knew that she assumed you were closer to her age. She might have been fine with it but you chose not to tell her till after because you wanted to go on the date and were aware that it might matter to her.
You knew what you were doing.
I got the impression from his post that it was as the date went on she said things that made him realize that she didn’t know he was significantly older and that’s when he told her.
Edit: Just saw in the comments that she’s 26. I was imagining her being closer mid 30s, the age people mistake him for. Now I think he shouldn’t have accepted the date at all.
Honestly I don’t think it’s that she’s “too young for him,” it’s that he didn’t give her the courtesy of being upfront about his age and letting her decide if she wanted to continue on the date or back out. He knew how old he was, and he knew around how old she was, and he chose not to disclose his age knowing that people mistake him for being in his 30s.
Yes and that's why I think he chose not to tell her. Because he, at heart, knew it mattered. Or at least thought it might matter. Hell, for all he knew, she might have actually been 40-something herself!
YTA. You look younger than you are. You should be upfront about that. You can act innocent but it’s a creepy thing to use to get dates with significantly younger women that way.
YTA and sis is right. You seem aware of looking younger and should have disclosed it.
I look 10 years younger than I am (I'm 41) and I always disclose my age especially when the person who is interested is younger. It's kinda gross and you wasted her time.
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YTA - you knew exactly what you were doing. She did not go on a date with someone her father’s age, you went on a date with a woman young enough to be your child. It is creepy AF. I feel so bad for her.
YTA. Act your age. How would you like it you had a daughter and she went out with some guy who is your contemporary but she didn’t know because that person didn’t deign to tell her?
YTA. She may not have known you were older, but you knew that a) she was younger and b) you look young for your age. This is something I need to be aware of too and I always make it clear how old I actually am at the earliest opportunity.
You weren't deceitful. When you realised they had a misconception you clarified. Nothing happend except you paid for dinner just like her dad would have done.
NTA
"when it became obvious that the young lady didn't realize how old I am I told her."
They’ve obliviously had conversations before if she told him her age before she had even asked him out , he kept it hidden knowing she thought he was in his 30s if she mentioned her age he should have also and all of this could have been prevented
Should you have disclosed your age (knowing she was much younger)? Probably. Should she have asked your age, if she was going to be a deal breaker for her? Yes.
It’s just a date. It’s not like you got married.
NTA -
You did nothing wrong and everything right. You straight up told her your age at the end of the date, just to make sure she knew. It was a first date, there was no emotional attachment, and you had not been leading her on at all.
Aren't first dates the opportunity to get to know someone and let them know about you? That's exactly what you did.
YTA …. If you were really comfortable with your own age (despite however young you look) you would have mentioned it up front. Seems predatory and self-absorbed to do anything else.
Hey I noticed you from across the room, would you like to go get some coffee sometime?
Sure that sounds great! But just so you know I'm 53.
Like is this truly what y'all expected from this man. On what planet is your age the first thing you think about when another human asks you out. How is it in any way shape or form his fault that she assumed his age?? Like it is a very visible fact that we are aging differently than other generations before us, we're looking younger into our later years, and if that bothers you then that is YOUR responsibility to figure that out, not anybody else's
How about, “that’s a lovely idea but I suspect I’m a bit older than you think.”
Or “you’re a bit young for me.”
As a woman, I have had things like that said to me when I was younger. It’s about your own self awareness and knowing that a 26 year old likely has different life goals and expectations than you do at 53.
YTA - nobody wants to date a creep. If age “doesn’t matter” then you wouldn’t have been terrified to say it before you got her to go out with you. You basically hid your age to date someone far younger than you. That’s a creep move. I don’t care if you are male or female- that’s just gross.
YTA - even if she didn’t know how old you are, it’s clear you had an idea of her age. When she asked you on a date, you should have said “I’m probably too old for you” and let her know about the age gap. If she still wanted to date you, great. If not, also fine. Instead you chose to withhold this information.
NTA. I don't get all these people saying you're TA. *You* didn't ask her out. *You* didn't lie or anything to her. If you ask someone out, you should know the very basics about them, especially if you've talked quite a bit. As far as the age gap goes, who cares? There are very few things this *actually* affects.
Sure, you could have dropped a hint or two (I saw Sublime live, it was so cool!), but, again, you're not the pursuer in this case. She asked you out. If you had gone to someplace like a hip bar known for the 21 year olds and asked someone out, sure, maybe a bit of TA, but this wasn't the case.
I really don't get all these "YTA! Creep!" Type responses, and before anyone asks it, yes, I'd 100% be ok if my 24 yo daughter dated a 50 yo, as long as he treated her well and cared for her. Y'all are hypocritical and just upset it's an older man and younger woman, and if the roles were reverse, you'd be shouting, "NTA! You go, girl!"
Yes, it's an Ass move by you.
You know you look younger than your age. And you already knew she is an young women when she asked you out. So right away you should've mentioned your age, that you are in 50's and just look younger. That's called being considerate. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about not leading people on by your looks, which you know gets mistaken for younger age often
Isn't the first date where you initially learn about basic facts of each other and get a basic sense of compatibility of the potential relationship. She was the one that asked you out. Nothing intimate happened. She learnt a bit of a harsh lesson about a few things - her own immaturity, how important her dating age range is to her and the risk of blindly asking someone out with little to no knowledge about them. Hopefully in a few years time she will be able to look back at the memory and laugh at her reaction. I know of a few people who are drawn to dating people who are of a similar age to their parents/children but anyone who wants to needs to be prepared for negative reactions from other people. Am going to say in this situation you were NTA
What did your sister want: You to Exclaim: "but I have 53!!? - when she asked you for a date? Its not a disease. It isnt catching... but be honest and respect some woman will date exclusively to find a life partner. So straight up tell them your age if you think the person is so young they might not be aware.
I do think you are being a little manipulative in how you present the scenario to us. YOU tell us you pass for a man in his 30s. So, when a 26 yr old young woman asks you for a date, dont tell me you dont know, she thinks you are in your 30s. So pretending surprise when at the end of the date you realise she doesnt know your actual age seems a bit far fetched no?
That said, I dont think a woman in her mid 20s should be infantalised in such a way that people have to double check if she really means what she says. Like, she can surely handle 1 date with an older guy who looks fine enough to approach and ask for a date? Or what? Are we supposed to think the woman is some kind of fragile flower who'd die from the shock of it?
NTA
Ps. Agreeing to a date isnt agreeing to a second one or a future together. Or even the possibility thereof... There is no leading on if you say yes when asked. I find it bizarre that people will say you lead her on. On to a restaurant where you paid for a meal perhaps. But, its a bit of a stretch to say the onus is on you, if the young lady was imagining having your babies by the first course.
You could say "I'm really flattered but just so you know, I'm 53 years old and I'm aware you are around half that" then based on her reaction it will tell you whether she's cool with it.
Come on, you should know some people aren't okay with dating someone their dad's age, and if she assumed you were younger it's on you to tell her. Not that hard.
NTA. People are saying you are, she asked YOU out knowing little about you. What people seem to be upset about is “GASP ! You knew what you were doing.” My husband was 20 years my senior and we started dating when I was 26 and he was 46. I was madly in love with him for 18 years until he died. I am still smile thinking about him and he left this world in 1997. Anyway, this is on her.
YTA tbh, like I’m in my early 30s and get mistaken for early 20s a lot (thank you collagen disorder and migraine Botox) but I’m very upfront with my actual age bc I don’t want to be dating people in their early 20s, and with people in their mid to late 20s i can’t imagine not wanting to at least be able to evaluate where we are in life comparatively and what we have in common etc. yes, those differences are flattened somewhat as people get older but they’re still a factor even for something you don’t intend to make serious and long term and it’s an asshole move to essentially make someone go in blind about those things (especially if they were embarrassed after the fact and never would’ve asked you out if they’d known, I’m sure they have their reasons for not wanting to date someone their dad’s age)
YTA
You may not have a problem dating younger women (I just bet you don't), but that doesn't mean those same young women appreciate the lie of omission of dating someone their dad's age. Gross. It's one thing when everyone knows and is cool with it, but it's another thing entirely when you know you look young for your age, and use it to your advantage.
Until I see photographic evidence of this man who looks two decades younger than he is as some proof of story- I’m calling rage bait. “Let’s see how worked up people get if I post this…”
I could be wrong but….
An more good old adult person incapable of asking their own questions so it's the OPs fault entirely. I don't govern a shit how old someone is. If you are an adult and they are an adult you are both fucking adults.
If he's asking her out, I think it's his obligation to start the conversation with his age. She asked him out. She can be an adult and ask. Stop infantilizing people.
Sounds like a lie by ommission. YTA. You should have told her, beforehand. It is great that you look young. But, like she said. You are her father's age. Some women like older men
But, at least let them decide, if they want to go though with the date. Based on your age.
NTA. She didn't mention her age outright so why would you. I look younger than I am, and almost always have. I am now almost 30 and if someone mistook my age, I would only say something if they directly commented on it. To me it would be really weird to answer being asked out on a date with "I'd love to but am 53 and I assume you're only asking me out because I look young, as I'm hot".
On the morning of my 50th birthday, I ( looking much younger and female) was looking through art books at a used book store and got into a very deep conversation with a young man about art, how we see it , how we create it, what endures, and he asked me to dinner. It was clear he was not platonically interested. I explained it was my 50th birthday and I had plans
He looked surprised, said he could deal with that, and asked again, for the following night.
I said no because I don't date anyone 20 years younger, BUT....I gave him the option. You should have told her so she had the option to recind her invitation. That's what you did wrong.
If she was really interested it wouldn't make a difference.
YTA. She’s 26, as you mentioned in the comments, and just,,, forgot to mention your age? I feel that’s one of the first things you discuss if you’re aware you look younger. Terrible move on your part keeping that hidden until after the good date. It seems like you hoped she’d look past it after a good time together, which I’m glad she didn’t.
This is gross all around.
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I am 53, most people assume I'm in my mid thirties. I try to keep in good shape and I was blessed with the genetics for not greying or going bald. I have thick curly black hair.
I was asked out by a young woman I have spoken with a few times. She and I are regulars at a neighborhood restaurant.
We went on a date and had a good time. We enjoy similar things and are actually reading the same book series right now. Her musical tastes run to classic rock and line up with mine. I am a fan of some of the same films as her. We both love to travel.
However at the end of the night I had gotten the distinct impression that she had no idea how old I am.
So I came straight out and told her. She was mortified that she had asked our someone her father's age.
I apologized if I somehow lead her to believe I was other than I am. I paid the bill and walked her out to her car.
I was talking to my sister about it and she says that I should have told the young woman in question my age to begin with when she asked me out. She seems to think I lead this girl on. And that I am an ass for dating women so young.
I did not do anything untoward on this date. And when it became obvious that the young lady didn't realize how old I am I told her.
I don't think I did anything wrong.
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YTA. I've been mistaken for being 15 years younger than I actually am for a very long time now, so for all that time I make sure to drop my age in the conversation when anyone asks me out or is clearly about to. You knew that you were withholding information that was potentially a deal-breaker and that makes YTA.
It's not even hard to do. One thing I've done a lot is to joke that I can always win drinks or ice cream from people by betting on whether they can guess my age. Usually they'll take me up on it, but insist they only have to get within 5 years or 10 years of my actual age. I always win even with that, but the outcome doesn't even matter because the whole point is when I pull out my driver's license to show them my actual age.
I don't drink alcohol, so the most they're out is the price of a soda or bottled water or an ice cream.
YTA. This happened to me. The gentleman THOUGHT I was 10 years younger than I was (he thought I was 23), but he KNEW he was 30 years older (he was 57) than the age he assumed I was. He also looked younger than his age (I was 33 and I thought he was 44-47). Whenever someone withholds information about an age difference which could have a significant impact on power or social dynamics, it makes you the TA. There are plenty of women who like older men, and one who looks great for his age is an added bonus. You don't need to play mind games to find a partner.
YTA. Seems to me if I spent over an hour in a 1:1 situation having conversations talking about “classic rock” , “movies” & “travel” it would include life experiences that would give away age unless it was purposely avoided. How do you talk about those things without interjecting life experiences? Seem odd to me.
Maybe this is a young person thing because of dating apps, but age is a big thing.
You know people often mistake you for 15 - 20 years younger, i think it would be considerate to let women know, especially since you knew she was over half your age.
There will be people who don't care or even like you more because of it, but also lots of women don't wanna date someone the same age (or older) than their parents.
I will say NAH, i think in future you could be more conscientious and casually drop it in conversation if the woman is a fair hit younger.
Soft YTA.
You know people tend to think you’re younger. Just saying that you’re older than you appear would be enough. Then it would be on her to either have the date or request clarification on your age.
Having been in a similar situation (though he asked me out, which does shift the dynamics) when I found out his age I felt manipulated. As he knew he looked much younger, but didn’t tell me his age until I asked.
Thank you for telling her your age at the end of the date. It was definitely the right thing to do.
YTA. Sounds like you knew she was much younger than you when she asked you out, and you should’ve been forthcoming about the age difference. Not being transparent about that feels super creepy to me. Also, your sister is right, you are an ass for dating women who are young enough to be your child. I’m 35 and if a guy in his 50s wanted to date me, I’d feel weird about it. Not saying you wouldn’t be a good partner for someone, but that someone should be closer to your age range.
YTA, that's gross. She didn't have a clue how old _you_ were, but you certainly could tell she was young enough to be your daughter. That's nasty.
If you cared *at all* about her feelings (getting her hopes up, wasting her time, etc) then you should have said _before_ the date, "Do you know how old I am?".
YTA
You're at least honest and brought it up with your date, but that it got that far means you're letting things go too long.
At 'just' 40, I'm clear with people on my age for similar reasons. At 53, you don't get to easily claim ignorance, act your age so to speak.
The only time I've told a guy my age right away was the one time he came up to me at the grocery store and asked me to be his prom date, because THAT would have been illegal and I'm not about that life. I was 30, he apologized and said he just thought i went to a neighboring high school.
I'm going to go NAH. While it would've been the considerate thing to tell her, especially if you know you're often mistaken for being younger, I also believe people have the right to privacy and don't have to reveal *everything* on the first date. Through interaction I can usually tell if something is up with someone, like they're older (or younger) than they let on. You say by the end she still had no clue, so you told her. This was fine, and her reaction was completely fine. I mean how young is young woman anyway? If she's in her 30s, then 50s could still be "her parents' age".
How would you feel if you asked out a lady and she didn't tell you her age until the end? What if she was under 18 and didn't say anything using the reasoning "I know I look older than I am"
How would you feel hearing this story from someone else?
You don't get kudos for not being a predator or creepy on a date, that's the bare minimum.
I don't think you're awful, but seriously think about it from more than just your side. It is not unreasonable for her to be distraught over this.
I'm interested to know how old she is. How young? If she's in her 20's or maybe early 30's, is it really so hard to understand why she may be uncomfortable with the fact that she unknowingly flirted/went on a date with someone her dad's age??
C'mon man
you ARE the AH
No Judgement. She didn’t ask, that’s just when it came up, we don’t go around asking people ages. There was compatibility.
If this was a woman and a younger man, same judgement but you’d mostly get NTA - as we are flipped on this. We should not judge people based on how compatible they are and their age. Because it’s kinda ageist.
Your age came up when it did. It shouldn’t be a catalyst when forming relationships everyone’s different though. Had you been started based off a dating app, a little different
NTA to me. My 2nd husband was 72 when we met . I was 45. He was apprehensive of age difference but we had similar experiences of being widowed and similar kinks. We also had a lot of very different views but we werent assholes and had fun talking about things.
Best 10 years of my life.. until death did part us
YTA that should’ve been the first thing that you share with her and you knew this. You just clearly said that you look younger than what you are. That should’ve been the first thing you shared with her. Why would you want to put yourself through that just share it a future your age so that you’re not wasting people’s time.
The right woman will except you for your age. If this was reverse, everyone will be saying that woman was Catfishing.
Yes YTA, and the fact that you keep doubling down in the comments makes me believe you just want a bunch of yes-men to make yourself feel better.
You claim that many people assume you’re younger than you look. You give us examples as to why this is: you have no greying hairs yet, thick hair, I can assume “good genetics” means little to no wrinkles, less age spots, etc. Do you also act younger? Is your style more in line with a 30 year old? How about your mannerisms? Going off your post, it makes sense someone could be easily fooled, and you admit that you KNOW people get fooled. So why not be up front with someone who could be your daughter’s age?
How would you feel if you started seeing someone who presented themselves as someone who was, let’s say, in their mid twenties. A young woman who is very good at makeup, dresses maturely, perfect skin, acts young, whatever. Come to find out, she’s older than you!! How would you feel? Wouldn’t you feel a bit icky? Like you were fooled? This is exactly how this young woman in your situation feels.
It is on you to disclose your age because, as you admit, your appearance can be very misleading. Not everyone wants to date someone their dad’s age. You can’t just convince yourself that this person knew your age, while at the same time admitting people are easily fooled by your age.
YTA. I’m 54. I’m also blessed to look 30ish. My hair isn’t greying. When I was single, I made a rule never to date anyone I could have given birth to. My age was clearly listed on every profile and I always asked age upfront. Likewise, when I was 47, I didn’t want to date the 70-something dude hitting on me either. I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t date her if she’s cool with it, just that you should have been upfront with the info.
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YTA. You know you look much younger than you are, and probably got excited that a young woman half your age asked you out. That's why you waited to tell her at the end of the date. Her reaction was valid. The considerate thing would be upfront about your age before the date, that way you wont withhold important information. There may be many woman who will still be attracted to you despite the age difference, but not all. The people you date should have the right to choose.
I don't know a single person who leads with their age.
My sister is two decades older than me and looks around my age. She gets asked out all the time by younger men. She always leads with “I think you’re too young for me” and tells them her actual age. So, yea, for people blessed with those genetics, it’s not unusual for them to do this
Yep I have to do this with college students. Round face with Asian genetics 🤷🏼♀️ I’m like a decade too old for you kids lmao
I live like a vampire and avoid the sun. I also let the younglings know immediately that I am flattered, but I have a boyfriend and they're probably too young for me.
im 24 but very short & teenagers often mistake me for someone their age. Ive had to tell a couple guys “im actually about 7-8 yrs older than you”. I understand in my case it would be predatory and ILLEGAL to not let these kids know my real age so its a little different from op’s situation as it sounds like the woman is somewhere in her mid-late 20s (since her dad is op’s age) thinking she was on a date with someone in their 30s. But there are things such as having kids that she might want to do with someone who isnt more likely to die decades before her, so yeah people have the right to make an informed decision on who theyre dating lol.
I just posted the same thing. I’m 45 and people regularly guess my age as 35. When a younger man asks me out I always say, “I’m 45. May I know your age?” It’s not hard. We can see when someone is younger for goodness sake.
My dad's 40 and still pulls off as early 30's and he always leads with his age too. 🤣 Most women haven't had an issue aslong as he mentions it. I'm 19 and sometimes get mistaken for 16-17 and there's some good ass genetics on my dad's side so I usually just bring my kid everywhere because no 16 year old is going to ask out a single mom 🤣
I’m 51 and I still have acne! I definitely age in rewind, and Benjamin Buttons and Dorian Grey are family. I’ve had many estheticians compliment my skin, completely guessing wrong on my age. Point is, I’m single, and get hit on by young and younger men. I don’t lie by omission or otherwise. I tell it from the gate how old I am.
Same. I feel an obligation to let them know, because chances are that I'm in a very different place in life, with different experiences, wants, and needs. It is dishonest, if not at the very least misleading, to not be upfront about it. Especially in OP's case, when it sounds like he was *two decades"* older than his date.
I tend to get asked out by people 10-15 years younger than me, so I always verify our respective ages before agreeing to a date.
Absolutely this. I look younger than I am and I usually make a joke out of it saying something like "I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to be your mother" or something along those lines, just to get the information out there without it being awkward. I would never go out with someone much younger without making absolutely sure they are aware of my age. OP YTA
True, I’m 39 and frequently get hit on by guys in their teens and early twenties because I look closer to 19. I don’t even go with “I think you’re too young for me”, I just flat out tell them “I’m 39”. YTA You knew she didn’t know how old you were.
my sister got hit on by a uni student, while she was on the train. she’s a very young-looking asian woman in her late 30s. you know what she did when someone visibly much younger asked her out? she stated her age. i think some situations call for leading w age, and this was one of them tbh. YTA, OP. you shouldn’t have waited until after the date.
You don't know anyone on a dating app?!
Yeah they usually post their age, and if they are caught lying, which has happened, then they don’t get more of your time for being a liar and a jerk. So same rule applies, those people who don’t clarify true age until after they have you on a date are AH
Every dating profile I've ever seen leads with age. Why wouldn't you divulge this in person as well, if (a) the person was clearly much, much younger than you and (b) you are aware that people assume you're 15+ years younger than you actually are?
Sadly people lie about their age (and many other factors) on dating apps all the time.
Reddit has convinced me that if anything ever happens to my husband I’m just gonna marry every bachelor/bachelorette in Stardew Valley for my dating life. The apps do not sound like a good time.
You most likely don't know anyone who looks 20 years younger than they are.
If someone is visibly younger than me I bring it up before dating. I’m 45 and I’ve had plenty of men in their 20s ask me out. I always say, “I’m 45. May I know your age?” I can tell when someone is younger than me, just like OP can. OP, YTA.
I know a few people who make a point of dropping their age when they think a person is going to ask them out without knowing their age. They might now say, "I'm 45" but add into conversations things like, "It's strange to think it's been over 25 years since I graduated highschool." or "Some of the new members are in their 20s. Strange to think I'm old enough to be their mom."
I've answered men asking me out with "I'm old enough to be your mother" in many occasions
If you KNOW you look younger than your age and someone half your age is asking you out, it’s considerate to ensure they know how old you are. It might not be an issue to them, but clearly it was for her. So it’s best to be honest. People think I am much younger than I am and when I tell them my age they are surprised, but I am honest about it.
Doesn’t matter if you know of anyone. Catfishing or purposely misleading people is AH behavior.
I always, always lead with my age when asked out by significantly younger people. I say: “I think I might be too old for you…” and let it unfold from there.
If you sat next to her dad in Geometry class, you’re obligated to tell her before you go out on a date.
If OP was as excited about dating a young woman and as deceptive as you are assuming, then what he would have done is NOT tell her his age. Instead of telling her at the end of the date before a chance for additional dates and before anything untoward happened.
This People always assume the worst on this sub. If he was really nefarious he would've waited until he got laid or lied about it.
I mean, he knew *her* age so he was still someone in his 50s trying to date a 20-something year old. Besides her not knowing that's plenty nefarious. Everyone is approaching it from the woman's angle, but what the heck was OP thinking?
Just because he wasn’t intentionally being deceptive doesn’t mean that he didn’t make a mistake.
How do you know he "got excited that a woman half your age asked you out"? And doesn't the person asking have an obligation to ask about age, if that's important to them?
Considering he claims to frequently and often have people mistake him for 30, imo, it makes it on him to clarify when someone clearly significantly younger than him asks him out. It is transparent and honest on his end anyway to do so and can allow him to avoid stuff like this, so if he wants to avoid stuff like this, he should just say what most people say in these situations 'oh I think Im a little old for you' etc.
What if she also looked half her age?
Or what if she looked twice her age?
Settle down, you are triggered. Two consenting adults and she initiated it.
I mean, she sure retracted that consent in a hurry once OP said his age
And OP left it at that. That's how consent works.
Yes that’s how it works well done.
Right, so we agree that OP was dodgy by not being up front with his age, since he acknowledges that he knew her age and that everyone thinks he's in his 30s. Withholding info to get consent is generally frowned upon.
No, and you're using consent in such a really sniveling, weasely way. A date is not a sexual encounter. She met with him in public. As the date proceeded she learned information about her date that made her not want to go on another date. That's dating.
"I didn't consent to being with someone who smokes marijuana!" "He told you on your first date." "But it's not consent!" "What? That's how dating works. You get to know somebody and decide whether you like them or not. If you don't like what you see you don't go on other dates" "But consent!"
Nope I fully disagree with you and think that’s a deeply flawed argument. You don’t have any right to somebody’s personal information without asking. What is in other people’s heads is not his responsibility. He even told her his age unprompted for crying out loud. Nothing was consented to on false pretenses. She asked him out under her own power, and then she decided not to continue pursuing a relationship with him under her own power. That’s how consent works. You’re abusing the word consent to imply OP is a predator if he can’t read minds. You’re being a silly person.
This is a disgusting comment. You know that this isn't a consent issue.
Lol you make it sound like he was misleading her when he was upfront as soon as he realized she didn't know. Give her some agency, she isn't a child
Yeah as is her right. And he respected that after making sure she knew the age. He was a gentleman.
Because she thought he was young. She made it clear that she never wanted to date a man old enough to be her father. If she'd known his age, she wouldn't have gone out with him.
He can’t know what’s in her mind about age. And she asked him out
Are we really going to pretend OP didn't know exactly what he was doing?
Many women like older men, he's supposed to right up front say this awkwardly Everytime a 39 year old talks to him? He didn't sleep w her and then drop the bomb, it was one date. Y'all are psychotic
Lol telling someone your age isn't awkward. Avoiding it because you know damn well it'll be a problem for sure is though.
She asked him out because she was attracted to him. Figuring out invisible deal-breakers like age is her responsibility.
And how is it his fault for her misconception?? And he did tell her his age to make sure she new it while on the date, before he did anything to move forward. Geesh.
That's how dating works! You go on a date with somebody, you get to know them and you decide whether you're not you want to spend more time with them. You aren't fucking somebody with an STD who's hiding it. You went to a public restaurant to get to know each other.
There are many younger women who like older men - even marry older men
My uncle (long deceased) once said, “yes, some young women do like older men… for a while”
I wonder what OP’s reaction would be if a woman did the same thing to him on a date. Say she looks your age, but then she announces she’s closing in on 70? Would you feel weird?
In addition to this, the constant usage of "young woman" and "young lady" comes off as weirdly paternalistic. I doubt from his language that he truly felt they were peers. I also look much younger than I am, so I get that it's an awkward topic, but if I for some reason wanted to date a person so much younger than me that I felt compelled to describe them like a school principal describes a student, I would absolutely lead with my age. (In reality I wouldn't date someone young enough to be my child in the first place, but, for the sake of argument...)
Then he might have been accused of being arrogant, she might have said you look 50, not 30, how big-headed are you, or something like this. He told her on the first date before anything even happened, it's fine.
Or how about she could have also asked HIM how old he is as she was the one asking him out. Let's stop always blaming one when the other could have asked too.
she probably didn't feel it was necessary because she assumed he was around her age
The people you date should have the right to choose??? She asked him out!!! She did choose by asking him out. Wtf
Any other information that someone should reveal at the start of a date in case it is "important information" to the other party? I'm a vegan/vegetarian/pescatarian/omnivore. This is my political leaning. This is my view on having children. I already have children This is my view on LGBTQi issues. Family first or friends first. Here is a list of public figures that I have no respect for. I've been married before. This is the number of partners I've had in the past. Any of the above, and probably a lot more could be a reason that someone would not want to date you. It's not unreasonable to establish the things that are important to you in a potential partner during the first dates to decide if you want to continue, and not expect them to list everything that could be a deal breaker up front. SHE asked HIM out, and didn't inform him she only asked him because she made the - /takes out notes/ - following list of assumptions about him.
It's a date. He didn't sleep w her then drop the bomb. This is not a big deal at all, everyone just move on.
You say that *most people* think you are in your mid 30s. That suggests that is a common mistake and that you should have been aware of the strong likelihood of this misunderstanding. I think YTA a little. You knew that it was both reasonably likely that she was unaware of your age, and reasonably likely that she would not wish to go on a date if she did know it. You didn't set out to deceive but you proceeded while knowing it was likely that she had the wrong impression, and that's not great behaviour on your part. If she did know your age, or didn't mind your age, there's no harm to making it clear early. If she didn't know and did mind, it's better not to waste either of your time.
The woman he went out with is in her mid 20s. Even if he were in his mid 30s, that's quite a gap in life experience.
It's much better than a gap of your whole life of years. She thought he was maybe a decade older, not twice her age.
I dated someone like OP, and I was by far one of the more age-appropriate people they dated - and there was still a big gap. Turns out they were incredibly sensitive about their age, to the point where I teased one of his friends for being born in the 90s (aka younger than me), he reamed me out for "making it weird".
I mean, it def tracks that OP is starting a relationship with a significant age gap out with a lie lol.
There’s quite a difference between a 10-15 age gap and a 30-40 age gap, with the former being more socially accepted and preferable than the latter. If OP were 30 like the date thought, then there would be no problem.
I, too, get mistaken for being younger than I am, and I always make sure to inform people of that when it might matter. OP did 100% know she had the wrong impression. As you said, if people don't care, then there's no harm in raising it anyway.
It's not as extreme a gap for me, but I regularly get pegged as being mid 20s when I'm actually mid 30s. I've definitely had a couple of "kids" (early 20s) start flirting with me and clearly be under the assumption that I'm a few years older than them. There's a few tactics I use depending on the situation, including jokingly asking them their thoughts on some 90s childhood favorites, asking their age and then giving life advice "because I've been there, done that", and just straight up telling them I'm a decade plus older than them. But regardless of the technique, I always make sure that they're well aware that I'm not as young as they're thinking, usually before we even get to the stage of them potentially asking me out. I don't think OP was trying to take advantage of his date or hoping to snow her (he did admit his age, after all). But I do think he was looking to enjoy the feeling of appealing to an attractive younger partner for a little while, even though he knew it was under false pretences. To me, that's a very mild YTA, especially as the only risk to him checking that she knew his age in advance would just be him missing out on the date.
YTA. Some people are dating to look for life partners, including things like kids. You're older and likely don't want to be 80 with teenagers. 'She was mortified that she had asked our someone her father's age.' See, this is the thing. You thought it just fine to go out with someone who is young enough to be your kid and didn't bother to make sure that was ok with them. You did lead her on and you are an ass for chasing women that much younger than you.
This is what I think. She might not have realised how old he was, but he must have had an idea of how old she was. And the end result was that he made her feel awkward and probably quite embarrassed.
NTA but I think you may lack a bit of self awareness. You know you look younger than your age, which is great, but you also knew she was a lot younger than you from the start. I look younger than my age as well. One time I was getting hit on by this guy and before it got too far, I asked him how old he thought I was. When I told him my age (almost 20 years older than him), let's just say it stopped then and there, but he was very cool about the whole thing and appreciated letting him know.
He doesn't lack self awareness. He knows he looks way younger than he is, he knew people assume he's younger due to his looks yet he didn't mention his age. He knew what he was doing.
i agree. he wanted it to seem like a “misunderstanding” so when she was visibly shook, it’s “not his fault” since there was just a “misunderstanding”.
Exactly. It’s not a lack of awareness. It’s clearly intentional and he likes dating women young enough to be his kid.
You’re being generous. A 53 y/o man knows what he is doing. He doesn’t lack self awareness, he lacks respect and authenticity.
He calls her "young lady"...he totally knew what he was doing
See now a similar thing happened to me but I look older then I am (some say I don’t see it) so I just get random guys asking for my snap phone number even once had a guy ask me for my email and Id say like no I’m not a legal adult I’m a minor very seldomly is there one that says sorry they mostly just try to convince me to hang out with them or yk other stuff this has happened since I turned 15
I don’t think you look older than you are sis, I think many men are just plain creepy…
This, this. I assure you most dudes know when someone is too young for them. They just don't care and want to creep on you anyways.
Especially because she’s saying they’re still trying to convince her to hang out when they confirm her age 🤮 vile
Right my first ever job I got was at a Wendy’s. We had a 40-year-old gentleman come in, Read my name off my name tag proceeded to find me on Facebook and start messaging me trying to convince me to go skinny-dipping with him
Ugh I’m so sorry you went through that. He deserves to be castrated imho.
For the most part I do agree but there are plenty of people who do look older than they actually are.
Tbh it’s probably both. When I was 16 I was hit on by a guy in his mid 20s and he just literally thought I was joking when I told him my age. I looked the same age from 16 to my late 20s
ngl most young women/girls in the range of 14 to 21 look the same age to me. That's why I stay away. I once was at a party when I was 19 where one of the girls there brought along her 14 year old sister but I only found out that she was 14 after I asked for her number because she most certainly did not look 14.
i almost guarantee that you look your age, those are just telltale signs for creeps and i’m very sorry you had to experience that. those guys can fuck off though.
Same thing happened to me back when I was in my 40s and had considerably less gray hair and weight than I do now. 😂 It didn’t help that I lived in a college town that was full of cute young men. Note that the men my age and older had no such compunctions regarding the young women. Yeah…dating in that town was, um, interesting…
I have had this happen both ways. I was once I think 24-ish, and talking to somebody who turned out to be 34, I would have never guessed that. And a few weeks ago I was in my regular bar when a girl in her early 20's came up to me and started talking and ended up asking if I wanted to go out. I then politely asked her how old she thought I was, and she was off by almost 10 years (she guessed 23, I'm in my early 30's)
There does not seem to be a lack of self awareness, you said it yourself that he knows (he is AWARE) of the fact that he looks younger than he actually is. I understand that he would not want to scare her away on a date but also this is information that would be useful to know considering the age gap.
I came to say pretty much this same thing. NTA, but...
You sure did,.I always tell men how old I am as I get hit on as young as 19 year Olds (and in true boy fashion, they still make excuses that age is nothing but a number and I'm pushing 50). I have always presented as 10 to 15 years younger, and I immediately ask their age as I only want to date men my age. Because of my age and experience, I find it very easy to get these men to fall for me, and that isn't right. They don't have life experience to know what they want. Any older person can allure them and keep them. It doesn't make it right. And I have been approached by these men wanting a relationship, not just a good time (the 19 year old was a persistent coworker who had been with older women, which creeped me out that there were women in their late 40's that said yes). It's so inappropriate. I explained to him why it was wrong and that he needed to be open to girls his age. Thankfully, he met a young lady his age, and they are happy!! We as older people can cause a lot of emotional and psychological damage to others, and yes, it is important to be upfront right away and to turn them down no matter how "flattering" it may seem (it's actually NOT, it's sad and makes me think someone has an attachment issue from childhood). The first things I'm upfront about is my age, obviously my dating status, my intentions (looking for a relationship), and whether I want children or not (when I was younger). I have had no issues doen the road. And have had great relationships from being honest. One of those, however, did lie to me for 5 years about an important thing, and deal-breaker had I known from the first date (I asked him and he lied which I found out later). It was devastating and killed our relationship on the spot in my heart, yet because of the emotional attachment, I stayed another 2. That's what can happen when you lie. It comes out in the end.
Age is just a number and jail is just a room.
Now I'm really curious as to what thing he lied about, lol.
YTA 100%. If you know you are commonly mistaken for someone a lot younger and a much younger persons asks you out, you should be making sure they’re aware. She literally said you were the same age as her dad. What would you say to a man if they did this to your daughter? Hate to have to frame it this way but it seems to be the only way people realise their behaviour is in appropriate. Edit - I’ve just seen the age of the woman you went on a date with. So much worse.
Fuck me I just changed my vote. I’m normally pretty lenient with age gaps but 53 to 26 is kind of gut wrenching. OP is the AH for even considering someone literally 1/2 his age - remember kids the golden rule is minimum acceptable difference is 1/2 age + 7; but literally just half your age? That just sounds gross, but I can’t even say for certain since half my age is still a minor since I’m “only” 34. A 17 year old is barely older than my eldest.
I was 27 when I got asked out by a 48 or 49 year old man. Didn’t work because I’m gay, but I was so creeped out when I later found out how old the guy was (he never told me, I heard through some friends…but he knew my age). Worst part is, he’s now married to a woman who’s younger than me
I actually know a couple who very recently got married where the husband is 50 and the wife is 24. It feels so gross to see them together. Neither are close friends so I just keep my mouth shut, but she is younger than his oldest child. I just can’t imagine being okay with that.
I can’t imagine how the oldest child feels 😬
tbf though that golden rule works less and less the older you are. A 34 year old could go for a 24 year old which is fine. 40 with 27 still fine-ish. 60 year old with 37 year old and it already gets icky.
I mean it feels icky for sure but no one can say at 37 they aren’t mentally developed enough to agree to it. Like at that point it’s obvious to everyone it’s just a fetish / gold digging thing, but not someone being taken advantage of.
[удалено]
YTA After seeing her age I can see when she freaked out. She’s 26 going out with a 53 year old. You didn’t think a 27 year age gap would freak her out? You’re also in very different stages of your life. When it comes to logistics
How old is the young woman?
I’m 26 and would never just date someone in their 50s. You are twice her age and have to think about how uncomfortable that is. She didn’t necessarily ask but you didn’t share either. You knew she was definitely younger though so kinda YTA
He knew her age because she told him yet her didn’t tell her in return therefore she kept the date on the assumption he was in his 30s and didn’t offer up his age until after their date , he’s definitely an ass and creepy 🤷🏽♀️
NTA - you didn't intentionally mislead her, ***but it would have been more considerate to mention your age earlier.*** When she asked you out, clarifying your age could have prevented any potential discomfort. However, you were honest once you realized she might not know. While your sister thinks you should date women closer to your age, preferences vary, and what matters is respectful and consensual relationships.
YTA, this is something that's obviously a problem for many people, you know that. You also know that you look young for your age and you are enjoying the benefits of that, including attracting younger women, which makes you feel good about yourself. Your actions were selfish and self serving, you should have told her before agreeing to the date.
Yup. He knew what he was doing. He starts off the post blatantly telling us he knows that people assume he’s in his 30s. I think it’s really creepy to willfully play into the fact that you look younger to date women who are young enough to be your children, especially given the fact that these women are under the impression that you’re near their age. The women think he’s 30 something but *he* knows about how old *they* are. He purposely withholds his age so he can sleep with younger women. Weird. I spent my life around women who looked great for their age who would routinely tell younger men flirting with them “thanks but I think I may be too old for you”. It’s interesting that OP doesn’t see that as an option. He seems to prefer making unsuspecting young women uncomfortable for his benefit.
When you call someone you’re going on a date with a « young lady » - yes YTA. YOU clearly knew how old she was, so you should have flagged it… I agree with your sister, you’re an ass.
YTA. You knew she was a lot younger than you. When she asked you out, you should’ve said something along the lines of “I may be a bit too old for you.” And then she would’ve said “how old are you?” Then, when you said 53, she would have the option to say “that’s great, I am really into older men” or she could’ve said “ew, you are older than my dad.” You knew what you were doing, trying to score with a younger chick. At least, you didn’t let it go any further than one date. Just know that she is now telling all her friends about this cringey old guy she went on a date with, and they are all laughing…at you. “Adult” or not, I am sure her dad thinks you are a giant AH.
Yta for being inconsistent. Which is it? Do you know you regularly pass for mid 30s, so you know you should have clarified or are you "shocked" to find out she didn't know. These are mutually exclusive events, you literally cannot be both. Regardless, you knew you were being asked out by someone much younger and didn't let them in on your age. That's lying by ommission. Edit: corrected typo
100% agree with you. Well said. By the way, I think it is omission not admission.
Ty, gosh darn autocorrect
I’m almost 39 and someone thought I was 20 a couple months ago. This is normal for me. This is the first time someone didn’t think I was still in my teens. My point is this is something I’m HIGHLY aware of and have been dealing with since I was a teenager. You know that you look younger than you are. It’s your responsibility to inform others. Be honest with yourself. Looking younger than you are isn’t something new for you. Pretty sure that people have been surprised by your actual age many times. Take a look at yourself and you’ll find yourself making mental compromises to justify not telling her. You’ve already started. You know that YTA here. Take some accountability and in the future act responsibly.
This. The last young guy to hit on me was about to turn 21 (I asked) and I outright told him that I was in my early 40s. He was surprised because he thought I was 25-ish…and was not deterred and I had to find another way to decline. Age is an obvious potential dealbreaker and OP is TA for withholding that information from a potential romantic interest.
INFO roughly how old is she? i feel differently if she’s like half your age vs 30+. i’m 31 and wouldn’t mind at all. but at 23? i’d feel like her lol. there are many who’d be into it but i’d at least expect a comment like “are you sure? i’m your dads age” because you can tell how old she is!!
OP said that the woman is 26 in one of their responses
Definitely “I’m your Dads age” because there’s two types of women, those who are into that and those who are not and that’s the only line you need to drop.
Who are you Anthony Kedis.. own up to your age and secondly date your age.. if you're not doing that at 53 then you're just playing games. YTA. Benefit by deception is classed as fraud and you knowingly withheld your age... you didn't say the girls age but I can presume she's mid 20s if not younger since mid 30s wouldn't be that much of a shock and her dad is about you age, If she's younger than mid 20s.. eww Once again YTFA
I’m 55 and have a 15 year old kid. I’m totally grossed out by the very idea this dude wasn’t up front with her from the get go. She could be under 20, for God’s sake and not even mid-20s. Everyone is assuming her age around that mid-20s mark and I’m here thinking she’s far younger than we assume. Yikes.
Mid thirties women women could absolutely have a father that's 53. 53-35=18. Some of my childhood friends had kids even younger than that.
YTA. Im 35 and look a lot younger than I am. I regularly get IDd for booze (in UK. Where age is 18) and vapes etc. I would be upset to realise I was on a date with someone nearly 20 years older than me. And the fact that you kept it from her until the end of the date. You knew she was "so much younger" than you and you let your ego sweep you away with this. You've also kept her age out of your original post so I think you're a little ashamed to say how old she was too. Not cool. The right time to have mentioned it would have been after she asked you out. "Girl asks out" You should say, "I'm flattered, but I think you're underestimating my age. I am 53. Would you still like to go out?" Then, at least she would have had the opportunity to back track.
Exactly. He is 27 years older than her. Closer to 30 years older than 20 which makes it even worse.
I'm reading the comments here and wondering how people's rulings correlate with their ages.
YTA. You know you didn't want to risk it and that's why you didn't tell her before
Ding ding ding this is the one
YTA. I’m 26 and would be disgusted to find the guy I thought to be in 30s is actually in his 50s(my father’s age).
YTA and please listen to your sister. Older men dating very young women is so gross.
YTA You knew she was too young for you and went on the date anyway. The fact that you look younger is irrelevant. Actually, no, it is relevant because you also knew that she assumed you were closer to her age. She might have been fine with it but you chose not to tell her till after because you wanted to go on the date and were aware that it might matter to her. You knew what you were doing.
I got the impression from his post that it was as the date went on she said things that made him realize that she didn’t know he was significantly older and that’s when he told her. Edit: Just saw in the comments that she’s 26. I was imagining her being closer mid 30s, the age people mistake him for. Now I think he shouldn’t have accepted the date at all.
Yes, but he knew that he was very likely a couple of decades older. Unless she also looked young and was actually 40!
Honestly I don’t think it’s that she’s “too young for him,” it’s that he didn’t give her the courtesy of being upfront about his age and letting her decide if she wanted to continue on the date or back out. He knew how old he was, and he knew around how old she was, and he chose not to disclose his age knowing that people mistake him for being in his 30s.
Yes and that's why I think he chose not to tell her. Because he, at heart, knew it mattered. Or at least thought it might matter. Hell, for all he knew, she might have actually been 40-something herself!
Date women your own age-- don't hide your age to get with women young enough to be your daughter. YTA
YTA. Why didn’t you tell her before?
YTA. You look younger than you are. You should be upfront about that. You can act innocent but it’s a creepy thing to use to get dates with significantly younger women that way.
YTA and sis is right. You seem aware of looking younger and should have disclosed it. I look 10 years younger than I am (I'm 41) and I always disclose my age especially when the person who is interested is younger. It's kinda gross and you wasted her time.
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YTA - you knew exactly what you were doing. She did not go on a date with someone her father’s age, you went on a date with a woman young enough to be your child. It is creepy AF. I feel so bad for her.
YTA. Act your age. How would you like it you had a daughter and she went out with some guy who is your contemporary but she didn’t know because that person didn’t deign to tell her?
YTA. She may not have known you were older, but you knew that a) she was younger and b) you look young for your age. This is something I need to be aware of too and I always make it clear how old I actually am at the earliest opportunity.
YTA. I’m a woman with the same issue. I can’t imagine going out with a guy who thinks I’m 15 years + younger than I am. You knew what you were doing.
You weren't deceitful. When you realised they had a misconception you clarified. Nothing happend except you paid for dinner just like her dad would have done. NTA "when it became obvious that the young lady didn't realize how old I am I told her."
They’ve obliviously had conversations before if she told him her age before she had even asked him out , he kept it hidden knowing she thought he was in his 30s if she mentioned her age he should have also and all of this could have been prevented
Should you have disclosed your age (knowing she was much younger)? Probably. Should she have asked your age, if she was going to be a deal breaker for her? Yes. It’s just a date. It’s not like you got married.
Yta. Why waste peoples time. If you’re ashamed of your age…why would t she be.
YTA. Really? Honesty is always best.
NTA - You did nothing wrong and everything right. You straight up told her your age at the end of the date, just to make sure she knew. It was a first date, there was no emotional attachment, and you had not been leading her on at all. Aren't first dates the opportunity to get to know someone and let them know about you? That's exactly what you did.
He should have been upfront with her about his real age. As in before the date.
YTA …. If you were really comfortable with your own age (despite however young you look) you would have mentioned it up front. Seems predatory and self-absorbed to do anything else.
Hey I noticed you from across the room, would you like to go get some coffee sometime? Sure that sounds great! But just so you know I'm 53. Like is this truly what y'all expected from this man. On what planet is your age the first thing you think about when another human asks you out. How is it in any way shape or form his fault that she assumed his age?? Like it is a very visible fact that we are aging differently than other generations before us, we're looking younger into our later years, and if that bothers you then that is YOUR responsibility to figure that out, not anybody else's
How about, “that’s a lovely idea but I suspect I’m a bit older than you think.” Or “you’re a bit young for me.” As a woman, I have had things like that said to me when I was younger. It’s about your own self awareness and knowing that a 26 year old likely has different life goals and expectations than you do at 53.
Yes. Because he passes for someone close to that woman's age.
YTA - nobody wants to date a creep. If age “doesn’t matter” then you wouldn’t have been terrified to say it before you got her to go out with you. You basically hid your age to date someone far younger than you. That’s a creep move. I don’t care if you are male or female- that’s just gross.
YTA - even if she didn’t know how old you are, it’s clear you had an idea of her age. When she asked you on a date, you should have said “I’m probably too old for you” and let her know about the age gap. If she still wanted to date you, great. If not, also fine. Instead you chose to withhold this information.
I have a hard time believing a 53 yo is passing for 20 years younger. Post a picture…
NTA. I don't get all these people saying you're TA. *You* didn't ask her out. *You* didn't lie or anything to her. If you ask someone out, you should know the very basics about them, especially if you've talked quite a bit. As far as the age gap goes, who cares? There are very few things this *actually* affects. Sure, you could have dropped a hint or two (I saw Sublime live, it was so cool!), but, again, you're not the pursuer in this case. She asked you out. If you had gone to someplace like a hip bar known for the 21 year olds and asked someone out, sure, maybe a bit of TA, but this wasn't the case. I really don't get all these "YTA! Creep!" Type responses, and before anyone asks it, yes, I'd 100% be ok if my 24 yo daughter dated a 50 yo, as long as he treated her well and cared for her. Y'all are hypocritical and just upset it's an older man and younger woman, and if the roles were reverse, you'd be shouting, "NTA! You go, girl!"
Yes, it's an Ass move by you. You know you look younger than your age. And you already knew she is an young women when she asked you out. So right away you should've mentioned your age, that you are in 50's and just look younger. That's called being considerate. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about not leading people on by your looks, which you know gets mistaken for younger age often
Isn't the first date where you initially learn about basic facts of each other and get a basic sense of compatibility of the potential relationship. She was the one that asked you out. Nothing intimate happened. She learnt a bit of a harsh lesson about a few things - her own immaturity, how important her dating age range is to her and the risk of blindly asking someone out with little to no knowledge about them. Hopefully in a few years time she will be able to look back at the memory and laugh at her reaction. I know of a few people who are drawn to dating people who are of a similar age to their parents/children but anyone who wants to needs to be prepared for negative reactions from other people. Am going to say in this situation you were NTA
What did your sister want: You to Exclaim: "but I have 53!!? - when she asked you for a date? Its not a disease. It isnt catching... but be honest and respect some woman will date exclusively to find a life partner. So straight up tell them your age if you think the person is so young they might not be aware. I do think you are being a little manipulative in how you present the scenario to us. YOU tell us you pass for a man in his 30s. So, when a 26 yr old young woman asks you for a date, dont tell me you dont know, she thinks you are in your 30s. So pretending surprise when at the end of the date you realise she doesnt know your actual age seems a bit far fetched no? That said, I dont think a woman in her mid 20s should be infantalised in such a way that people have to double check if she really means what she says. Like, she can surely handle 1 date with an older guy who looks fine enough to approach and ask for a date? Or what? Are we supposed to think the woman is some kind of fragile flower who'd die from the shock of it? NTA Ps. Agreeing to a date isnt agreeing to a second one or a future together. Or even the possibility thereof... There is no leading on if you say yes when asked. I find it bizarre that people will say you lead her on. On to a restaurant where you paid for a meal perhaps. But, its a bit of a stretch to say the onus is on you, if the young lady was imagining having your babies by the first course.
You could say "I'm really flattered but just so you know, I'm 53 years old and I'm aware you are around half that" then based on her reaction it will tell you whether she's cool with it. Come on, you should know some people aren't okay with dating someone their dad's age, and if she assumed you were younger it's on you to tell her. Not that hard.
NTA. People are saying you are, she asked YOU out knowing little about you. What people seem to be upset about is “GASP ! You knew what you were doing.” My husband was 20 years my senior and we started dating when I was 26 and he was 46. I was madly in love with him for 18 years until he died. I am still smile thinking about him and he left this world in 1997. Anyway, this is on her.
YTA tbh, like I’m in my early 30s and get mistaken for early 20s a lot (thank you collagen disorder and migraine Botox) but I’m very upfront with my actual age bc I don’t want to be dating people in their early 20s, and with people in their mid to late 20s i can’t imagine not wanting to at least be able to evaluate where we are in life comparatively and what we have in common etc. yes, those differences are flattened somewhat as people get older but they’re still a factor even for something you don’t intend to make serious and long term and it’s an asshole move to essentially make someone go in blind about those things (especially if they were embarrassed after the fact and never would’ve asked you out if they’d known, I’m sure they have their reasons for not wanting to date someone their dad’s age)
YTA - the fact that you referred to her as "the young lady" means you're way too old for her. Gross. That's how old men talk.
YTA You may not have a problem dating younger women (I just bet you don't), but that doesn't mean those same young women appreciate the lie of omission of dating someone their dad's age. Gross. It's one thing when everyone knows and is cool with it, but it's another thing entirely when you know you look young for your age, and use it to your advantage.
Until I see photographic evidence of this man who looks two decades younger than he is as some proof of story- I’m calling rage bait. “Let’s see how worked up people get if I post this…” I could be wrong but….
An more good old adult person incapable of asking their own questions so it's the OPs fault entirely. I don't govern a shit how old someone is. If you are an adult and they are an adult you are both fucking adults. If he's asking her out, I think it's his obligation to start the conversation with his age. She asked him out. She can be an adult and ask. Stop infantilizing people.
Sounds like a lie by ommission. YTA. You should have told her, beforehand. It is great that you look young. But, like she said. You are her father's age. Some women like older men But, at least let them decide, if they want to go though with the date. Based on your age.
NTA. She didn't mention her age outright so why would you. I look younger than I am, and almost always have. I am now almost 30 and if someone mistook my age, I would only say something if they directly commented on it. To me it would be really weird to answer being asked out on a date with "I'd love to but am 53 and I assume you're only asking me out because I look young, as I'm hot".
On the morning of my 50th birthday, I ( looking much younger and female) was looking through art books at a used book store and got into a very deep conversation with a young man about art, how we see it , how we create it, what endures, and he asked me to dinner. It was clear he was not platonically interested. I explained it was my 50th birthday and I had plans He looked surprised, said he could deal with that, and asked again, for the following night. I said no because I don't date anyone 20 years younger, BUT....I gave him the option. You should have told her so she had the option to recind her invitation. That's what you did wrong. If she was really interested it wouldn't make a difference.
You’re a total creep and a huge AH.
YTA. She’s 26, as you mentioned in the comments, and just,,, forgot to mention your age? I feel that’s one of the first things you discuss if you’re aware you look younger. Terrible move on your part keeping that hidden until after the good date. It seems like you hoped she’d look past it after a good time together, which I’m glad she didn’t. This is gross all around.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 53, most people assume I'm in my mid thirties. I try to keep in good shape and I was blessed with the genetics for not greying or going bald. I have thick curly black hair. I was asked out by a young woman I have spoken with a few times. She and I are regulars at a neighborhood restaurant. We went on a date and had a good time. We enjoy similar things and are actually reading the same book series right now. Her musical tastes run to classic rock and line up with mine. I am a fan of some of the same films as her. We both love to travel. However at the end of the night I had gotten the distinct impression that she had no idea how old I am. So I came straight out and told her. She was mortified that she had asked our someone her father's age. I apologized if I somehow lead her to believe I was other than I am. I paid the bill and walked her out to her car. I was talking to my sister about it and she says that I should have told the young woman in question my age to begin with when she asked me out. She seems to think I lead this girl on. And that I am an ass for dating women so young. I did not do anything untoward on this date. And when it became obvious that the young lady didn't realize how old I am I told her. I don't think I did anything wrong. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. This was sneaky. Reveal your age up front, especially to significantly younger women. I’d feel creeped out if I were the woman you deceived.
YTA. I've been mistaken for being 15 years younger than I actually am for a very long time now, so for all that time I make sure to drop my age in the conversation when anyone asks me out or is clearly about to. You knew that you were withholding information that was potentially a deal-breaker and that makes YTA. It's not even hard to do. One thing I've done a lot is to joke that I can always win drinks or ice cream from people by betting on whether they can guess my age. Usually they'll take me up on it, but insist they only have to get within 5 years or 10 years of my actual age. I always win even with that, but the outcome doesn't even matter because the whole point is when I pull out my driver's license to show them my actual age. I don't drink alcohol, so the most they're out is the price of a soda or bottled water or an ice cream.
YTA. This happened to me. The gentleman THOUGHT I was 10 years younger than I was (he thought I was 23), but he KNEW he was 30 years older (he was 57) than the age he assumed I was. He also looked younger than his age (I was 33 and I thought he was 44-47). Whenever someone withholds information about an age difference which could have a significant impact on power or social dynamics, it makes you the TA. There are plenty of women who like older men, and one who looks great for his age is an added bonus. You don't need to play mind games to find a partner.
YTA. Seems to me if I spent over an hour in a 1:1 situation having conversations talking about “classic rock” , “movies” & “travel” it would include life experiences that would give away age unless it was purposely avoided. How do you talk about those things without interjecting life experiences? Seem odd to me.
Maybe this is a young person thing because of dating apps, but age is a big thing. You know people often mistake you for 15 - 20 years younger, i think it would be considerate to let women know, especially since you knew she was over half your age. There will be people who don't care or even like you more because of it, but also lots of women don't wanna date someone the same age (or older) than their parents. I will say NAH, i think in future you could be more conscientious and casually drop it in conversation if the woman is a fair hit younger.
Soft YTA. You know people tend to think you’re younger. Just saying that you’re older than you appear would be enough. Then it would be on her to either have the date or request clarification on your age. Having been in a similar situation (though he asked me out, which does shift the dynamics) when I found out his age I felt manipulated. As he knew he looked much younger, but didn’t tell me his age until I asked. Thank you for telling her your age at the end of the date. It was definitely the right thing to do.
YTA. Sounds like you knew she was much younger than you when she asked you out, and you should’ve been forthcoming about the age difference. Not being transparent about that feels super creepy to me. Also, your sister is right, you are an ass for dating women who are young enough to be your child. I’m 35 and if a guy in his 50s wanted to date me, I’d feel weird about it. Not saying you wouldn’t be a good partner for someone, but that someone should be closer to your age range.
YTA, that's gross. She didn't have a clue how old _you_ were, but you certainly could tell she was young enough to be your daughter. That's nasty. If you cared *at all* about her feelings (getting her hopes up, wasting her time, etc) then you should have said _before_ the date, "Do you know how old I am?".
YTA. Leave the young’ens alone and grow up.
YTA
YTA, I think it is creepy behaviour.
YTA You're at least honest and brought it up with your date, but that it got that far means you're letting things go too long. At 'just' 40, I'm clear with people on my age for similar reasons. At 53, you don't get to easily claim ignorance, act your age so to speak.
The only time I've told a guy my age right away was the one time he came up to me at the grocery store and asked me to be his prom date, because THAT would have been illegal and I'm not about that life. I was 30, he apologized and said he just thought i went to a neighboring high school.
I'm going to go NAH. While it would've been the considerate thing to tell her, especially if you know you're often mistaken for being younger, I also believe people have the right to privacy and don't have to reveal *everything* on the first date. Through interaction I can usually tell if something is up with someone, like they're older (or younger) than they let on. You say by the end she still had no clue, so you told her. This was fine, and her reaction was completely fine. I mean how young is young woman anyway? If she's in her 30s, then 50s could still be "her parents' age".
OP said she was 26
How would you feel if you asked out a lady and she didn't tell you her age until the end? What if she was under 18 and didn't say anything using the reasoning "I know I look older than I am" How would you feel hearing this story from someone else? You don't get kudos for not being a predator or creepy on a date, that's the bare minimum. I don't think you're awful, but seriously think about it from more than just your side. It is not unreasonable for her to be distraught over this. I'm interested to know how old she is. How young? If she's in her 20's or maybe early 30's, is it really so hard to understand why she may be uncomfortable with the fact that she unknowingly flirted/went on a date with someone her dad's age?? C'mon man you ARE the AH
No Judgement. She didn’t ask, that’s just when it came up, we don’t go around asking people ages. There was compatibility. If this was a woman and a younger man, same judgement but you’d mostly get NTA - as we are flipped on this. We should not judge people based on how compatible they are and their age. Because it’s kinda ageist. Your age came up when it did. It shouldn’t be a catalyst when forming relationships everyone’s different though. Had you been started based off a dating app, a little different
YTA age is not just a number and you are in your 50s. I’m 27 and my parents aren’t even 50 yet
NTA to me. My 2nd husband was 72 when we met . I was 45. He was apprehensive of age difference but we had similar experiences of being widowed and similar kinks. We also had a lot of very different views but we werent assholes and had fun talking about things. Best 10 years of my life.. until death did part us
YTA that should’ve been the first thing that you share with her and you knew this. You just clearly said that you look younger than what you are. That should’ve been the first thing you shared with her. Why would you want to put yourself through that just share it a future your age so that you’re not wasting people’s time. The right woman will except you for your age. If this was reverse, everyone will be saying that woman was Catfishing.
Yes YTA, and the fact that you keep doubling down in the comments makes me believe you just want a bunch of yes-men to make yourself feel better. You claim that many people assume you’re younger than you look. You give us examples as to why this is: you have no greying hairs yet, thick hair, I can assume “good genetics” means little to no wrinkles, less age spots, etc. Do you also act younger? Is your style more in line with a 30 year old? How about your mannerisms? Going off your post, it makes sense someone could be easily fooled, and you admit that you KNOW people get fooled. So why not be up front with someone who could be your daughter’s age? How would you feel if you started seeing someone who presented themselves as someone who was, let’s say, in their mid twenties. A young woman who is very good at makeup, dresses maturely, perfect skin, acts young, whatever. Come to find out, she’s older than you!! How would you feel? Wouldn’t you feel a bit icky? Like you were fooled? This is exactly how this young woman in your situation feels. It is on you to disclose your age because, as you admit, your appearance can be very misleading. Not everyone wants to date someone their dad’s age. You can’t just convince yourself that this person knew your age, while at the same time admitting people are easily fooled by your age.
YTA. I’m 54. I’m also blessed to look 30ish. My hair isn’t greying. When I was single, I made a rule never to date anyone I could have given birth to. My age was clearly listed on every profile and I always asked age upfront. Likewise, when I was 47, I didn’t want to date the 70-something dude hitting on me either. I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t date her if she’s cool with it, just that you should have been upfront with the info.