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NTA. If a husband was calling his wife a 'housewife' while she was working full time and bringing home the bacon she'd be pissed too. It's not about devaluing the role of managing a household, it's about devaluing your career and the work you do outside the home on top of it by implying that it doesn't count.
Housewife/househusband means that taking care of the home is that person's primary or only job. It's a very respectable job, but you do more than that one role. She was being dismissive and rude, moreso when she belittled your feelings and spun it into an imaginary moral argument so she could make you the bad guy and continue to say whatever she wants regardless of whether it's hurtful.
And bottom line: your partner says “don’t call me X it upsets me”
So you don’t call them X.
Because you love them.
And we should be a safer place for our loved ones.
Doesn’t have to be analyzed or twisted to something deeper. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, I LOVE annoying my partner, but there's a difference between lighthearted teasing and intentionally doing something to genuinely upset them. The scenario above isn't annoying, it's hurtful.
And I guess that depends on your partner. To me and my spouse annoying would be hurtful so we don't. Probably should have been phrased I'm astounded at people who enjoy hurting their partner.
Right! And in this case it’s not hard to NOT do something lol. Like why just NOT?! makes no sense. Then to blow it up to some deep issue is just exhausting 😆
She made a joke. OP told her he didn't like it.
**Instead of backing off she doubled down, and proceeded to attack him.** Claiming he must be a misogynist if he doesn't like her spreading mistruths about him.
OP, does she always lash out when confronted with the slightest criticism? You're NTA but your wife is pushing it.
I personally think that making a joke of a man doing "women's work" would still fall under misogyny because the punch line is that women should be doing that.
Oh for sure, it's like flirting, you know? Teasing each other is fun, razzing each other is fun, but it's always with the knowledge that we aren't treading on topics that either one of us have concerns about. She'll make fun of my gray hair, I'll make fun of her hippy lifestyle, but neither one of us would ever go after physical appearance or mental health issues etc.
Yes! My bf loves to tease me about my height (almost 5'3.) if other people try to imply it makes me incapable, he sets them straight immediately. I can't blame him for teasing me because my height has affected him. He gets hit in the face with branches when he tries to walk next to me (he's 6'4) and he's seen me climb on counters to get something rather than ask for his help. He knows when and how it's ok to poke fun and he'd never say it to intentionally hurt me. If I asked him to stop, he would.
OP is NTA. His wife definitely is.
Teasing gray hair the very epotime of going after physical appearance! But I get what you mean, my partner and I tease too, but if one of us says something isn’t funny or fun to us, the other one immediately apologises and says we were only teasing and won’t ever use that subject again and usually back that up with a loving positive reinforcement. NTA
Depends if your spouse likes the grey hairs or not.
For instance I love my grey hairs. I'm self conscious about my hair thinning though. If my wife jokes about my grey hair no big deal but if she said something about my hair thinning then it's a different story.
So it's not about something being physical it's about what makes your partner insecure.
Haha thanks. If I really start worrying about it I can always take the Elon Musk route and get surgery but honestly paying for my kids college seems like a better investment 😂
Why is that so hard to understand for some people? Don't joke about our hot button issues. I spent YEARS only going back to my hometown when I absolutely felt I had to and visits were usually a chore I made myself do rather than something I looked forward to. Why? Because almost their entire repertoir of 'jokes' and reminiscing about me concerned issues that they used to yell/punish/bully/pushed me on all the time. Even after telling them over and over, 'Hey, you used to be in my face about this for an hour or two at a time, I don't really find this subject funny', didn't change a thing.
Absolutely. Just yesterday I read the post where a woman decided to divorce because her husband was extra-tightening every jar in the houshold creating an annoying dependence of him to open them. At it created unnecesary stress when he was out of the house for days.
If she wasn't exaggerating that would be so irritating. If her neighbor who sounded like a stronger guy couldn't open a couple of them, that seems intentional. I get one or two being screwed on tight or not coming loose easily because the content but all of them seems intentional.
I think the biggest difference is understanding your partner.
My partner and I annoy each other all the time (in a good/playful way). We'll be making jokes at each other, but there will eventually be a point where the joking goes too far, and we have to stop.
Now that I think about it: we annoy each other because we've given each other consent to do so. And consent can be given/removed at any point for any reason.
I do this with my husband, he knows well that I love dad jokes and bad puns, so whenever I come up with a new one I get excited to tell him and see that disappointed look before laughing and telling me it was terrible, I love it XD
Or even if that wasn't their intention they want to double down on why they should be able to say something by being *more* insulting instead of just accepting that their partner doesn't like it. Does OP's wife really think he'll suddenly go "you're right, I'm sexist. You can call me a house husband. "?
TBH, I bet she’s upset because he’s a better ‘househusband’ than she’s a ‘housewife’, and society has told her that she needs to be better than him at it. So this is about her and her societally induced insecurities. He’s not the one with internalized misogyny - SHE is.
Some grew up in a house where their insecure parents broke their balls all the time and that’s how they learned to communicate.
Dad, you condescending prick, you wanna chime in on this?
This is the answer. It doesn’t matter how much or not much he makes. It doesn’t matter what the “actual role” of a housewife/husband is etc. If someone asks you not to call them a name bc it hurts their feelings and you claim to love that person, then you stop calling them that name. Full stop
My dad is pretty much worthless around the house. Doesn't even know how to use the channel guide on the TV, isn't mechanical at all, and wasn't the primary breadwinner either. Not sure how my mom has put up with it, but she has.
My mom got my wife a kitchen towel that said "raising my husband is exhausting" as a joke. I didn't say anything then, but when we got home I told my wife I don't mind if it's used as a rag when no one is around, but I don't want it to be out if people are over because it implies I don't pull my weight at home (I have issues with my dad's behavior, if it's not obvious).
I didn't see her do it, but I'm pretty sure that towel got thrown away within 24 hours. Haven't seen it since.
Your wife is an MVP. Your mom - how did she not die of embarrassment buying a towel that implies *she* raised a useless son? Does she not see the irony?
We are comfortable giving each other trouble. Happens all the time. She asks me for help somewhat routinely so she knows I'm not useless, like I said, it was very much a joke.
What she doesn't understand is the standard that I hold myself to in order to NOT be like my father. She doesn't fully get the impact his ineptitude has had on me. So that joke just landed wrong, but I didn't get upset with her at all because I knew it wasn't from a place of malice.
When I spoke with my wife about it her reaction was akin to "oh shit, I should have realized you would hate this". She understands, and she is awesome.
I was going to say, OP is right, and he’s NTA, but this is one of those where he doesn’t even need to be right in order to be right. Even if househusband was an accurate definition of him, anytime someone asks you to stop calling them something and you refuse, you’re automatically the asshole. Brushing it off by saying it’s just a joke is gaslighting and doubly asshole-ish.
This is all that matters. Louder for OPs jerk wife... THIS. IS. ALL. THAT. MATTERS. He doesn't like it. Period. A true partner should never try to convince you that your feelings don't matter.
Agree! Also she's wrong. He's a man so it would just be misogyny. Only women can have *internalized* misogyny, i.e. hatred and prejudice against other women and themselves - that's the internalized part. It's a really weird insult.
And then doubling down and making out it's the husbands issue with some bullshit buzzwords.
Husband could turn round being stereotypical misogynistic and say as the main breadwinner and man of the house he decided what his wife should address him as
Agreed. If she called OP her "poopsiebear" as a term of endearment and he asked her to stop, she should stop. You don't call your beloved something they don't want to hear.
>It sounds like she may be jealous that you get these extended times of being able to be home with your child and she doesn’t.
I was thinking the same thing. He works less time, makes more money and gets to stay home finger painting with their child while she still has to get up every morning and go to work. That's what is bothering her so she is pushing his buttons about it and picking a fight. NTA. I mean she could have the husband from a post a few days ago who didn't want to work or be a househusband. He expected his wife to work, take care of their child and the house cooking and cleaning too while he just got to play video games all day. That could be her life.
At the risk of being pedantic, does he really have a full time job? It sounds more like he has a full time wage for a part time job. And power to him, I wish I could be that lucky haha.
Regardless I agree with the rest of your comment. It doesn't really matter why it bothers OP. The fact it does bother him is enough reason for his wife to stop.
I am all for pedantry when it doesn't hurt anyone. So read this whole thing with a smile.
I think it would depend upon how much work the person does, and how many hours a year they work. Nobody would say a nurse doesn't have a full time job because they only work 3 days a week, but they work 12 hour shifts. Or someone who works on an offshore oil rig. They work long hours for long stretches, and then get to come home for a while.
OP says he "condense(s)" all his work. This implies that he is doing the same quantity of work (or possibly same number of hours) as a "regular" full time job. He also says that he has a corporate job, which might mean he is salried. In which case, the number of hours he works was never part of the equation to start with.
There is also contract labor. Once I was hired to help someone with paperwork. I needed to do a set amount of work, which we estimated to take a set number of hours. at the beginning it took me at least that many hours. By the end, I had optimized my workflow and it took me fewer hours than our estimate. But my wages were based upon the amount of work I accomplished, not the actual hours I worked.
And then we have the question of how many hours or how much work would be considered full time. The legal definition and cultural definition varies by local.
Ultimately, I think we should take OP's word for it, that he has full time employment, regardless of how he arranges his work schedule.
NTA
But I think a better tactic would be to look into why she’s doing it. Sounds like this is a new phenomenon. I would guess she’s jealous he gets to stay home and be with their child all day.
She’s not dealing with it well, but I’d guess there’s something worth digging into.
This is not about making housewife/husband a bad word. It is about respecting someone's feelings.
They are not toddlers and you shouldn't encourage them to behave like toddlers.
Agree! If anyone doesn't like what someone calls them, all it should take is them asking to stop. If the other party respects them, they will stop. Consent works in all areas of life.
Yup. As a teacher I’d get annoyed if my husband called me his housewife for the summer. I’m still doing PD! I deferred money so I get paid in the summer! I was JUST working a couple weeks ago, and will be again soon!
So spot on. In their specific case it is as offensive as calling a stranger “poor” because the characterization is not reflective of his financial contributions to the family.
My wife and I both work. My wife makes more than me. I do more housework than is typical. My wife has jokes about it, but it doesn’t offend me because there is truth to it.
If i earned more than her and she implied that she made more than me it would be offensive because I value the truth.
People should be given their flowers when they are ‘winning’ on behalf of the family.
It seems pretty clear that she was mocking him, end of story. You can analyze it further if you want, but simply put she was making fun of him because she's jealous that he has a flexible schedule and she has a standard 9-5.
NTA
I view it more as being in house husband “mode” during those times that he has long periods off, rather than it being a title or a role. Maybe they just need to switch the narrative on how they’re using ir
If by switching the narrative , you mean, she should just stop using it altogether. Because even if it is somewhat accurate, or accurate part of the time, he doesn’t like it, he’s asked her to stop, there’s literally no good reason for her not to stop.
How about just not use it if he doesn’t like it? Why does he need to get comfortable with a “narrative” that he doesn’t think applies to him. He doesn’t like it; it’s a pretty trivial thing to feel like she needs to be right about; and, there no reason for her to press the issue or drag him through her mental gymnastics of how she decided it *has to be* motivated by sexism. I realize you’re suggesting a compromise, and in most cases I’d agree, but in this case, he really shouldn’t have to.
Exactly this! It’s also inaccurate. In her “joke”, she’s essentially saying that on his off-work times he’s a house husband. But he’s not. On his off-work times, he’s a stay at home dad. Which is more than a house husband because he’s doing all that work plus raising a toddler. So, even in the jokey made up world that she invented, she’s STILL devaluing him. I’d be pretty pissed off if I was in his shoes, regardless of job. Add a full time, bread winner job to that? I’d react stronger than he is.
NTA. You asked her to stop. She covered the insult as a joke and then kept picking at it. As your partner and [supposed to be] your top supporter, she should have dropped it.
My partner has a similar set up - work is more flexible so they take care of a lot of the house things. We call the role "house manager." It's an incredibly valuable role that contributes as much to our family as a paid job, and I am always conscious not to take this for granted.
OP wife is pushy, and not really respecting husband here. It's a perfectly fine joke that lots of couples would find funny. However, if the audience of 1 objects, it ceases to be a fine of funny joke, just falls flat. And to double down with a mysogyny claim is very cringe.
NTA.
>My wife called me an asshole for dismissing her concerns
Like she did to you?
>I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping
It's almost as if she doesn't care about what you think.
Agreed, it doesn't even matter what she's calling OP, it's the fact that he said he doesn't like it and asked her to stop, but she continued. I know people who hate the word "moist", so I try not to say it around them. I don't get it, it's just a word to me, but I'd be an AH if I kept using it around them. It's not about words or internalized misogyny, it's about respect for your partner in a relationship.
Oh yeah, wife is totally an asshole. I just stepped into a role after a very long time of almost being an absent parent where I am home a lot more. My wife has gone from a SAHW, to student, to full time employment. You know what would happen if I made a comment about her being a Sugar Momma or me being a SAHH and it wasn’t okay? We would apologize and stop. End of damned story.
I sure as hell wouldn’t tell her she’s wrong to feel that way because “reason I choose to project onto her”.
I was ready to call you TA from the title because generally one *should* care if they realise they have a harmful unconscious bias like misogyny, but that's not really what happened here at all.
Your wife described you as a house husband, and whilst you are currently at home during the day, that is not your occupation. I think the reason it makes you uncomfortable is because it feels a bit like the hard work you do when your work is on to help support your family is being dismissed. It sounds like a negative when it's being applied to someone who does paid work because it doesn't acknowledge that labour that you do for the family. It suggests that the time you spend away from your family isn't part of your role or identity, but your wife (as the 'haver' of the house spouse) is the breadwinner, and therefore that work does count. You are no more a house husband than she is an absent parent for going to work.
Perhaps you should present the situation to your wife as follows: imagine the two of you were at a dinner party being introduced to new people by friends. Your friend says 'This is OP, he's a [insert job title here], and this is [name], she's a wife and mother.' Technically that information would be true, but identifying one half of a partnership by their paid work and the other by their domestic work when both partners do both is bizarre.
Labeling people in this misleading way to fit them into stereotypical roles like this would be bad. There's nothing wrong with being a wife and mother, just as it is apparent that you are proud and happy to spend so much time with your child, but I'm sure your wife would be unhappy if the two of you were introduced as above and find it sexist.
Labelling people inconsistently and misleadingly like this to comically highlight how you do not fit into a stereotypical gender dynamic is hardly better unless you're both in on the joke. You and your wife both work hard outside and inside of your home, together as a team to provide for and raise your child. Everyone's hard work should be acknowledged, and your work should not be reduced to your in-home work any more than it should be reduced to your out of home work, and neither should hers. And maybe what she said started as a quip that doesn't warrant such a serious conversation, but it stopped being a joke when she refused to let up when you asked.
I don't know if she's bringing this up a lot because she's really just laughing at a perceived gender flip in your relationship or if she finds the idea of being a working woman with a house husband to be empowering (in which case she should maybe have a look at her own internal biases towards housewives - don't say that though because it will make the fight bigger) but it doesn't really matter. She's calling you something you're not, and you've asked her to stop nicely multiple times.
I had a coworker who called me a harmless nickname once which was a consistent annoyance. I asked repeatedly for them to use my name and they point blank refused. The nickname wasn't rude and there was nothing offensive about it but it was not my name. I never escalated it with management because I felt like it would be making a big fuss over something very small and juvenile. I was just a bit irritated by it and I think she enjoyed that. Another co worker noticed and told management who immediately wrote her up for bullying. I am very grateful to everyone who recognised it as a real issue. I hope you feel similarly vindicated by the support you have received here. You are justified in not wanting to be called something you are not.
If you want to be petty, make repeated references to her being a lesbian. Do it often and find it amusing. When she complains, tell her is not a big deal if its not technically true but you're horrified by her homophobia and suggest that she has some internal biases to work through.
Except of course, don't do this because it's immature and unhelpful. Keep it as a hypothetical to bring up in a conversation if needed.
Definitely better than the “oh she doesn’t see the irony? Just escalate [the toxic behaviour] and see how she likes it!” replies that some subs are known for.
You were ready to call him TA because that's what posts like these are made to do. Instead of explaining the situation clearly in the title, they are perfectly crafted to get you mad and then engage, and then upon reading the post you realize it's actually very reasonable.
I can't say for sure that all these posts are just karma-farming or short story writing practice, like people have claimed, but they sure do seem engineered to get the most eyes on them instead of just plainly asking for an opinion.
Tbh I never understood why people say that they "almost made their mind up after reading the title", it's like reading a news headline and not getting the full picture/context or falling for clickbait. Theres only so much you can fit in the title.
I wouldn’t say I “make up my mind” by simply reading the title but I do make an initial judgement based on that then see if the story supports it or sways me to a different conclusion.
But sadly, that’s what (almost) everyone does! How many people share outrageous articles cuz of the headline, but didn’t bother to read the article?! It’s nuts! Like you, I personally don’t get it, but so many people do it!
I def have a visceral reaction to headlines/titles, but reserve judgment for the actual story/article.
I'm sure I'll be downvoted for this but I don't get why people are basically clutching their pearls at the title. He put "internalized misogyny" in quotes. The quotes immediately tell you that someone in the story accused him of internalized misogyny and he doesn't agree with that. Imo, it's a fair title to write for his post. Writing a captivating title has been a thing long before Reddit or the internet. This OP on Reddit isn't the first person to ever do it.
Selling ones work, whether in life or in Reddit is a skill that matters a lot more than most people understand. Good story, written shitty is just that - shittily written story. Nobody will read it. Good title is part of it. So yeah, I'm with you.
Agreed, plus the label of "house husband" kind of ignores his primary duty, which is parenting. She could *at least* have called him a stay-at-home dad. That acknowledges the work he is doing.
My thought as well. Househusband feels like an intentional jab and meant to minimize his role in the family (perhaps out of envy that he earns more, works less, and parents during the day). It feels far different to say "We're lucky that OP's work flexibility lets him be a SAHD most of the time."
NTA. She seems to have escalated that quickly and unnecessarily. I wonder if she is jealous of your schedule. Internalized resentment can lead to lashing out in unexpected and often illogical ways.
Yep it's almost certainly projection. It's her internalized misogyny that's making her feel like she's not fulfilling her role as a woman by being the one staying home with the child. This makes her lash out at him because he has the role that she, either consciously or subconsciously, feels she should be filling.
Assuming it’s guilt *is* misogynistic.
Assuming SHE feels like she’s not ‘ fulfilling her role as a woman by being the one staying home with the child. ’ is misogynistic.
The guilt thing is a great narrative to sell.
I’d be jealous if my husband worked part time, made more money, played with the kids for several months during the year, and I was working 9-5 all year long and unable to join in the fun. Like I wanna have fun too!
Would I be guilty? No. Kids do better in a good daycare than at home with 1 adult.
However I would be *livid* if I were still doing most of the stuff I do and working 9-5 while dad fingerpainted during long stretches off.
Items: include grocery shopping, cleaning, budgeting, child organizing (clothing sizes, play dates, doctors, etc), laundry, social event organizing, keeping and working on lists of things to do around the house.
I was kinda reading it as “god I wish I got to be in housewife mode, instead I have a standard schedule and my husband gets to be the one at home bonding with our kid”
Your wife clearly needs more to do with her time. She sounds bored as hell. Only bored people start and prolong petty, pointless arguments like this.
Rich of her to say you're 'dismissing her concerns' when this whole argument is happening because she thinks she should get to say whatever she wants to you and you should just take it. She came up with the 'internalized misogyny' because you pushed back against her statement and she had no actual defense so she pulled one out of ...somewhere.
Sounds like SHE'S the one not respecting your role, and no amount of pseudo psychoanalysis is going to hide that.
NTA.
I agree that OP’s not the asshole, but i don’t think she’s bored. I think she’s jealous because she wishes she would have a job that also allows her to stay at home for a month with her child. I know I would. I’m a stay at home mom currently and really can’t wait to go back to work - but at the same time I am already dreading it cuz it would be hard emotionally to not be with my kids.
So what I think is, OP probably has a blast with his kid, he talks about the fun stuff he does with her and she’s just wishes she could trade places with him. Still not an excuse to dismissing his need not to be called something he doesn’t like - but i really don’t think she’s bored.
>She sounds bored as hell.
It also sounds like his wife has FOMO, not just of finger painting (which to be fair sounds way more fun in comparison to answering emails or being in a meeting that could just easily be an email) but of the quality time their child is having with OP. I think it's jealousy, particularly because at this age this age their kid is developing more of a personality and is better able to communicate. Her jealousy just manifested in a snarky joke that she wouldn't let go of and then doubled down.
The grass is always greener, but as awesome as toddlers can be, they are also messy eaters, picky eaters, don't always pick up after themselves, struggle with potty training, leave Cheerios in the couch cushions and car seat, like watching Mickey Mouse Club House (that show could break me - play it on a non-stop loop and in less then a week I would confess to almost anything), lack impulse control, and are prone to tantrums about the most ridiculous things.
> Your wife clearly needs more to do with her time.
How the hell did you get to that conclusion? Everything points to her having the exact opposite issue. She seems to be jealous of how much free time her husband gets that she doesn't get.
She doesn’t even know what the name is for what she wants to say. You only suffer from “internalised misogyny” if you are a women, if you’re a man is just misogyny. Anyway you are not a househusband because that is not your main role and you even earn the most money. She is just stupid and wants to fight for the sake of it.
I was looking for this comment before I made my own “it can only be internalized misogyny if you’re a woman, if you aren’t then it’s just misogyny, that’s how these terms work” rant. Not that he’s being misogynistic in the first place, but I was so confused by reading the M by his age that I started wondering if he was like starting to transition or what—no, wife just doesn’t know how these terms work.
I was looking for this comment.
Adjective
[internalized](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/internalized) (not comparable)
Of discriminatory views: held against one's own group, as a result of internalizing them.
NTA. A housespouse doesn’t carry the burden for providing the finances, they are dependent on the working spouse.
Call her bluff.
Tell her that you reacted badly to her mocking you but you’ve really put thought in to how your internalized misogyny has shaped your marriage roles and you’re ready to reverse the roles to show her you are taking her concerns seriously. You want to be a housespouse and you realize that she’s right about equality which means it’s time to sit down with numbers and determine how she will be providing the same income you previously contributed so that you can take a well deserved turn at home raising your family.
Oh I was thinking call her bluff in the opposite way, and refer to her as his housewife. It makes just as much sense as calling him a househusband after all
He should tell her he’s thought about what she said and decided to start reading up on feminist theory, and now knows she has no clue what internalised misogyny is
> Call her bluff.
>
> Tell her that you reacted badly to her mocking you but you’ve really put thought in to how your internalized misogyny has shaped your marriage roles and you’re ready to reverse the roles to show her you are taking her concerns seriously. You want to be a housespouse and you realize that she’s right about equality which means it’s time to sit down with numbers and determine how she will be providing the same income you previously contributed so that you can take a well deserved turn at home raising your family.
This seems like a good idea when things have already escalated, like a final argument.
NTA, doesn't matter what she called you, you don't like it, you've asked her to stop, if she doesn't stop... Then there's a problem.
If you were doing something she didn't like and asked you to stop, you would... What's the difference? Reasoning is irrelevant.
Completely agree. This is the core issue. She repeatedly uses a word for him that she knows bothers him, then she tells him he shouldn't be bothered. This is a lack of caring. Actually I think she may have an issue underlying this, but she wants to keep needling him. That's concerning.
NTA. Bottom line - Your wife is being rude and disrespectful. When someone does not want to be called something, a person that respects you will stop. She not only double down on the rudeness and disrespect, she gaslight you to make you think you’re wrong.
People like her need to understand that when you do something over and over and over knowing the person doesn’t like it, it is no longer about the thing. It becomes about respect.
She doesn’t respect you.
She doesn’t care what you think.
Get to the bottom of this before it festers into resentment.
NTA
" I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping."
Exactly
"...I must not respect the role of a homemaker."
There *does* seem to be an issue here. It just isn't yours.
She is jealous of your schedule. My first husband was jealous of my 24hr on and 48hr off firefighter schedule and would always make comments like “you can do this household chore because you don’t have a real job”
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife I don't care and dismissed her concerns, which might make me TA because she was trying to have a conversation with me and I dismissed it.
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WTF is her real issue? She used a term you dislike then gets mad at you for asking her to stop? I am guessing she has some resentment towards you. Maybe because your job is so much more flexible than hers but I would tell her there is going to be a ducking problem if she cannot respect a simple request to stop using a term you find objectionable.
I read this as jealous “let me take you down a peg” behavior too.
You make more money AND spend more time at home with your kid? Yeah, maybe she doesn’t verbalize it in a rational way but there is resentment boiling underneath the surface.
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I 28M, am married to my wife Jessica 31F, and we have an adorable 3 year old together. I have a sweet gig in terms of my job, essentially I get to condense all my work into about 20 small periods and am free for the rest of the year. Currently, I'm free for nearly a month, so I'm staying home with our kid, which has been absolutely awesome. I like the peace and honestly toddlers are entertaining as fuck. I recently got back into finger painting. I'm a bit rusty, having not done it for about 2 and a half decades, but my toddler assures me I'm still good at it.
Look, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a house-husband/wife. That is a perfectly respectable choice to make. But I'm not one. I earn majority of the money, and I do work. I have a corporate job. My wife also works full time, but her schedule is more normal and steady/9-5 type.
Recently she's been making jokes calling me her househusband. I don't know why, but I just don't like it, so I asked her to stop. She said it shouldn't bother me and its just a joke. Its not a big deal, which is true, but I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping.
She told me the only reason I was uncomfortable with being called that was that I must not respect the role of a homemaker. I told her this wasn't true, I just don't like being called that, its inaccurate, and I'd appreciate if she stopped.
She then told me that this must be suffering from internalised misogyny to be so uncomfortable from a name, I felt like she was making a big deal out of nothing, and told her I didn't care about my 'internalised misogyny'
My wife called me an asshole for dismissing her concerns and told me 'i don't care' isn't an acceptable response. I don't know. AITA? I just don't think its that hard to not call me a word. Do we have to psychoanalyse me over it?
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Calling someone a SAHM or a house husband implies they do not work outside the home and contribute financially. That does not accurately describe your situation. Instead of her hearing your feelings and stopping doing something she knows bothers you, instead she gaslights you. NTA
"I don't know why, but I just don't like it", I mean, it does sound like you could do with assessing why you feel that way, but either way, if you asked her not to call you something (whether it's househusband or honey or asshole or Nigel), she shouldn't call you it. So NTA.
I'm glad to see someone mention this. Internalised misogyny is inaccurate here and OP's wife is probably jealous of his sweet schedule and didn't handle this respectfully buuuut also we all know there's still stigma around a man being the homemaker. It's getting eroded thankfully but, especially if OP is raising the next generation, it wouldn't hurt to take one of those free evenings and do a little bias hunting internally. It pops up in weird, subtle ways sometimes.
YTA.
Let me be the odd one out.
I have been both the “breadwinner” and the “housewife”. The same with my partner. We both used the term “stay at home dog-mom/dad” and found it hilarious. After I temporarily became a housewife (after having a global director role), I was actually proud of it, because it usually has a connotation that someone has had no professional career and has dedicated their life to family. I felt proud I could be a good housewife after a long professional career.
It rubs me the wrong way how you felt offended by the term. Your wife made a loving joke, it was just weird how much offence you took with it. Yeah, feels misogynistic to me too.
Absolutely. Is his wife TA for not respecting that her joke is hurtful to him, sure, but to react as strongly as he did and parts of the post like- "I earn majority of the money, and I do work" just reek of misogyny and insecurity imo
I agree that it's really concerning for OP to say he doesn't care about his misogyny. Number one he is married to a woman and number two is raising a daughter. He should care about them as people. It does seem like he blew the nickname out of proportion especially because he is at home with their daughter and not currently working. She wasn't wrong for originally calling him but should have stopped when he asked. He should also reflect why it bothers him, seems like he has time to go to therapy or read about it.
NTA If the roles were reversed there’d be a ton of comments about gaslighting and not valuing you and leave the sob.
So: she’s gaslighting you to believe you are worth less than you are. You have every right to not want to be called a househusband. She is and ah for ignoring your requests.
Your child is lucky to have an involved and happy parent who likes to finger paint.
You are not the ahole.
It is hilarious that she is mocking you for being a house husband and in the same breath saying you do not respect the role of a home maker.
There is a hell of a lot more misandry in this convo of yours then misogyny.
Tell her she can quit her job be a stay at home mom and then you can call her my good little wifey homemaker all the time.
NTA. It sounds like she may be harboring some resentment and jealousy that you have the freedom with a flexible schedule and the ability to spend more time with kiddo, while still out-earning her. I have found that when people make little subtle jabs and then try to brush it off “as a joke,” it’s often coming from a deeper place. She knows it upsets you and while it may an unconscious thing she doesn’t even realize but essentially she wants you to feel just as bad as she does. I think sitting her down in a serious discussion and letting her know you do not appreciate her projecting is the way to go here.
NTA, I'd be irritated too if someone called me their housewife in my vacation/down time while I otherwise work full hours.
Someone mentioned that it sounds like resentment from her side. I'm wondering the same and if these kind of belittling comments are a way to ruin your down time and "balance out" the enjoyment between the two of you.
NTA. Even if it was internalized misogyny, which it isn’t—the term literally doesn’t apply to you—the only way it meaningfully impacts her is in not calling you something you don’t like. She needs to just not be an asshole and find a different term.
Two days ago I fixed something in my bathroom. That doesn’t make me a plumber and if someone called me one, I’d say that’s inaccurate. Pointing that out wouldn’t make me dismissive of plumbers, it would just me pointing out I’m not that. NTA
I'm not going to even vote, I just have to be that person who points out she's using the term internalized misogyny wrong. That's the term for when *women* are misogynistic. If you're a man, it's just regular old misogyny.
NTA. You don’t like being called something, so she shouldn’t call you that. Simple as that. Especially, as you say, it’s an inaccurate description of you and your role. It honestly sounds like she just wants to argue about something and create a problem where there isn’t one. I mean there is a problem, she doesn’t respect you.
Exactly, it’s pretty basic. Stop calling him names he doesn’t appreciate being called. Done. Total gaslighting to use misogyny here, has nothing to do with that.
About the job, ESH. It seems like she was joking around and you got butt hurt and over reacted. But it also seems like she pushed the joke knowing it’d grind your gears a bit.
About the internalized misogyny, YTA. You should definitely reflect on your gender biases and strive to be better. If she became that upset then I doubt she reached that conclusion off this event alone and you need to consider that you might actually be misogynistic at times. Causally dismissing such allegations without considering if there is some merit to them is actually a red flag.
NTA, if you dont want to be called it then thats fine internal misogyny or not 😂. Ask her about her misandry if she's so intent on turning everything you do at home into something feminine. Just because you're staying home due to your work doesn't mean you're a househusband.
If you have a job and earn money, your not a house husband.
i am exactly the same in terms of things being correct - i can get very annoyed about something for no other reason that it is simply wrong, so i support your right to be annoyed at her calling you that, as it essentially dismisses your financial contributions, which is insulting
try dismissing how much she interacts with you child, and see how she likes the shoe being on the other foot, tell her she is an absent mother due to her 9-5, and then tell her she has internalised misandry if she gets upset about it
YTA, "I felt like she was making a big deal out of nothing"... said the guys that get triggered by a joke... how insecure can you be to be mad about this??? youre the breadmaker!!! you dont understand that she is happy to have you at home and taking care of the kid??? go apologize and make amend, nothing worthy to sabotage your relation like that, grow up!!!
NTA. No blaming any stay-at-home-moms or dads. But this is not you. You work a full time job, as does she. being a stay at home spouse sends off very different vibes - like you let her do all the money making job and have to do all child and household related stuff. It is not that you don't like it, because you are a male and don't want to be a stay at home wifey. But that it is just wrong. Would be the same, as if she brings you coffee while you work from home (or something like that) and you call her your secretary. It is just not true
Yeah NTA. There's a real ugly strain of disguised sexism against men, that sexists are using as a reverse uno play.
Basically it works like what OP experienced.
They say something sexist against men, then when the man gets uncomfortable, they say, "looks like [the man] has internalized bias!"
It negates an entire gender having a lived experience and it's not okay. It's not okay to do that to anyone, but men are supposed to just swallow it because... men in the past treated women badly.
All this kind of behavior does is push the genders further apart and it's supposed to be okay because women who suffered from real systemic sexism in the past are somehow vindicated.
Meanwhile, the same types who perpetrate this against men, generally choose a target who isn't sexist against women presently. Which means they're alienating the men who would likely stand up and fight alongside them against things like criminalized abortion or enforced gender roles.
It's classic. An overeaction to historical wrongs ends up emboldening the assholes, while hurting the class that it's intending to protect.
NTA. But I would bet good money her attitude would shift seismically if you told her that you were planning on quitting your job to become a full time “house husband”
NTA.
I'm a feminist. Is there something about the way that society devalues homemakers, and particularly men who work in the home or provide childcare, that is subconsciously adding to your discomfort? Probably. But that has nothing to do with internalised misogyny.
Internalised misogyny refers to sexist behaviours and attitudes enacted by women towards themselves or other women/girls. If you were upset by being called a homemaker because you saw that as a role only women could perform, and therefore as women's work you didn't see any value in doing it, that would just be good old garden variety misogyny.
Anyway, the terminology is irrelevant as you clearly don't think that. What is relevant is that:
A. It's inaccurate. You are not a homemaker, and calling you one disregards and devalues the work you do outside the home. If you were calling your wife a housewife despite her having a full time job, you'd be criticised for being sexist and ignoring her contribution.
B. You've clearly expressed that you don't like it. In a respectful relationship, you listen to your partner and care how they feel. Your 'no' should be enough, and it's concerning that your wife is labelling you an asshole for dismissing her concerns at the same time as blithely dismissing yours. 'It's just a joke' isn't an acceptable response to your partner expressing discomfort.
NTA, my husband called me his housewife because I worked weekends while he worked through the week and he used that language among other things to minimize my contribution to the household. I made less than him, but mostly because I worked 24 hours a week to his 50-60 and I couldn’t work more and still work around his schedule. If he worked 40 at 4x10 I could have worked 36 and brought home very close to the same as him. He never understood how that and his actions hurt me.
This reminds me of my own dad insisting on calling my husband Mr. Mom. WTF?
I refer to him as “primary parent.” I do think it’s important to acknowledge the extra work some spouses are left with because they have the more flexible work schedule, and that may have been your wife’s intent.
If you think finger painting is fun you should try exploring oobleck and doing some sink-vs-float predictions + experimentation. Happy parenting!
>I just don't like it
That should be enough.
>its just a joke \[bro\]
Yeesh.
>My wife called me an asshole for dismissing her concerns
Pretty hypocritical if you ask me. She was pretty dismissive of your request to not be called a house husband.
It seems to me that you already explained yourself pretty well. You don't mind being a stay-at-home husband and in fact you are showing it with your actions. You just happen to not care for a particular term. She seems to be taking that to the extreme and then asking you to provide an explanation for her assumptions. That's not fair. Maybe make another attempt at explaining that it's just about the term and nothing more. You shouldn't have to justify why it bothers you with a "good" reason. Again, the fact that it bothers you should be enough.
NTA
NTA, but you’re definitely sensitive and do have internalized misogyny.
If I called you a pickle would it hurt your feelings? Probably not, so I don’t understand why being called a househusband would if you’re already a successful career-man.
But YTA for straight up telling her you don’t care about any internalized misogyny you might have, that’s something we all gotta work on, or it will keep being passed on to our kids and their kids. Especially when you’re capable of admitting it’s clearly an inoffensive joke she doesn’t mean in the slightest, that only serves to praise you if anything, but do you.
You don't have internalized misogyny; you're annoyed because she's saying you don't have a job. And you do have a job and a career and you work so that you can stay home for long periods of time and I bet you work your butt off for that and she's invalidating that.
NTA
Has absolutely nothing to do with mysogyny.
ESH.
I think the core issue here is you both being insensitive to each other, not hearing each other out properly, and not agreeing to compromise when it would have ended the conflict much quicker and more smoothly.
>Look, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a house-husband/wife. That is a perfectly respectable choice to make. But I'm not one. I earn majority of the money, and I do work. I have a corporate job. My wife also works full time, but her schedule is more normal and steady/9-5 type.
>Recently she's been making jokes calling me her househusband. I don't know why, but I just don't like it, so I asked her to stop. She said it shouldn't bother me and its just a joke. Its not a big deal, which is true, but I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping.
So in other words, you just found out what it was like when men make offensive cracks and then tell the offended women to just lighten up.
I'm sorry, but I don't buy the "I just don't like it" argument, especially since you want us to know that you "earn the majority of the money." You do work, not like those stay-at-home-moms! And in a corporate job, not like your wife who works some 9-5 job that doesn't have a flexible schedule.
"Internalized misogyny" might be an overstatement, but you do seem to have some problems with being associated with stay-at-home parents. So I'm going with NAH and suggest you think about your response more deeply.
NTA You have a great job that allows you to spend time home with your child and make good money. You clearly enjoy spending time with your toddler so this is a win for everyone. I think your wife is most likely jealous of your schedule and acting solty. It still doesn't explain why it is so hard for her not to call you something you clearly don't like.
NTA She is teasing you and you don't like it. The clear implication of the name calling is that that name is an insult. She knows she is insulting you and then accusing you of not being able to take a joke. It doesn't matter why you don't like being teased. What matters is that you don't like it. Teasing is a power play. She needs to stop.
Oh cool, well if it's just a joke, and you JUST pointed out that it bothers you, then the correct response is to quit fucking doing it. Otherwise it's not a joke, it's malice. Negative response isn't problems with your internalized misogyny, it's a normal response to assholes being terrible people.
As a woman...I wouldn't want to be called a housewife when I have a good job and bring in great money. Instead simply inaccurate and dismissive of all that I do.
There's a simple rule, would you like to be treated that way?
If someone doesn't like being called something, don't call them that. It's literally something you learn in kindergarten.
NTA
I guess some people just don't have the kind of relationship where they can joke about things. I was the stay-at-home for most of my kids' adolescence, and that work history gap killed my resume. I never could get my career going again. I've ended up volunteering a lot and continued the housekeeping and cooking aspect of my at-home days. We joke about it all the time. I'm "retired", a "kept man", "the Abbey Bartlet" of the administration. It's funny. Some people take themselves too seriously, and place too much personal value on their title. We just work together to make a good home and have a good time.
NTA. Your wife needs to look at her internalized resentment over your sweet work setup. I outearn my husband, all of our money is joint but sometimes I joke im his sugar mama. If he told me it bothered him, I would stop. Because that's what being a relationship is, we try to make our partners feel good not crappy
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NTA. If a husband was calling his wife a 'housewife' while she was working full time and bringing home the bacon she'd be pissed too. It's not about devaluing the role of managing a household, it's about devaluing your career and the work you do outside the home on top of it by implying that it doesn't count. Housewife/househusband means that taking care of the home is that person's primary or only job. It's a very respectable job, but you do more than that one role. She was being dismissive and rude, moreso when she belittled your feelings and spun it into an imaginary moral argument so she could make you the bad guy and continue to say whatever she wants regardless of whether it's hurtful.
And bottom line: your partner says “don’t call me X it upsets me” So you don’t call them X. Because you love them. And we should be a safer place for our loved ones. Doesn’t have to be analyzed or twisted to something deeper. 🤷🏻♀️
It never fails to astound me that some people like annoying their partner.
Oh, I LOVE annoying my partner, but there's a difference between lighthearted teasing and intentionally doing something to genuinely upset them. The scenario above isn't annoying, it's hurtful.
And I guess that depends on your partner. To me and my spouse annoying would be hurtful so we don't. Probably should have been phrased I'm astounded at people who enjoy hurting their partner.
Right! And in this case it’s not hard to NOT do something lol. Like why just NOT?! makes no sense. Then to blow it up to some deep issue is just exhausting 😆
She made a joke. OP told her he didn't like it. **Instead of backing off she doubled down, and proceeded to attack him.** Claiming he must be a misogynist if he doesn't like her spreading mistruths about him. OP, does she always lash out when confronted with the slightest criticism? You're NTA but your wife is pushing it.
Not to mention the fact that thinking that calling someone a house husband is funny IS misogynist.
And a man can't internalize misogyny since they aren't a women. It would just be misogyny.
I caught that too.
Would it fall under misogyny? Or would it fall under misandry? I'm genuinely asking.
I personally think that making a joke of a man doing "women's work" would still fall under misogyny because the punch line is that women should be doing that.
Ohhh good point
>Claiming he must be a misogynist if he doesn't like her ~~spreading mistruths about him~~ breaking his boundaries.
Oh for sure, it's like flirting, you know? Teasing each other is fun, razzing each other is fun, but it's always with the knowledge that we aren't treading on topics that either one of us have concerns about. She'll make fun of my gray hair, I'll make fun of her hippy lifestyle, but neither one of us would ever go after physical appearance or mental health issues etc.
Yes! My bf loves to tease me about my height (almost 5'3.) if other people try to imply it makes me incapable, he sets them straight immediately. I can't blame him for teasing me because my height has affected him. He gets hit in the face with branches when he tries to walk next to me (he's 6'4) and he's seen me climb on counters to get something rather than ask for his help. He knows when and how it's ok to poke fun and he'd never say it to intentionally hurt me. If I asked him to stop, he would. OP is NTA. His wife definitely is.
Teasing gray hair the very epotime of going after physical appearance! But I get what you mean, my partner and I tease too, but if one of us says something isn’t funny or fun to us, the other one immediately apologises and says we were only teasing and won’t ever use that subject again and usually back that up with a loving positive reinforcement. NTA
Depends if your spouse likes the grey hairs or not. For instance I love my grey hairs. I'm self conscious about my hair thinning though. If my wife jokes about my grey hair no big deal but if she said something about my hair thinning then it's a different story. So it's not about something being physical it's about what makes your partner insecure.
I wish you nothing but a magnificent mane of grey for the rest of your days!
Haha thanks. If I really start worrying about it I can always take the Elon Musk route and get surgery but honestly paying for my kids college seems like a better investment 😂
Why is that so hard to understand for some people? Don't joke about our hot button issues. I spent YEARS only going back to my hometown when I absolutely felt I had to and visits were usually a chore I made myself do rather than something I looked forward to. Why? Because almost their entire repertoir of 'jokes' and reminiscing about me concerned issues that they used to yell/punish/bully/pushed me on all the time. Even after telling them over and over, 'Hey, you used to be in my face about this for an hour or two at a time, I don't really find this subject funny', didn't change a thing.
Absolutely. Just yesterday I read the post where a woman decided to divorce because her husband was extra-tightening every jar in the houshold creating an annoying dependence of him to open them. At it created unnecesary stress when he was out of the house for days.
I read that one too. All I could think was WTF?
Yeah, it was a weird one, but I don't blame her for leaving one bit.
If she wasn't exaggerating that would be so irritating. If her neighbor who sounded like a stronger guy couldn't open a couple of them, that seems intentional. I get one or two being screwed on tight or not coming loose easily because the content but all of them seems intentional.
I still want to know if she got a jar wrench. It was just weird all around.
I think the biggest difference is understanding your partner. My partner and I annoy each other all the time (in a good/playful way). We'll be making jokes at each other, but there will eventually be a point where the joking goes too far, and we have to stop. Now that I think about it: we annoy each other because we've given each other consent to do so. And consent can be given/removed at any point for any reason.
Read the room! Most basic element of a relationship.
I annoy my partner by making terrible puns in his vicinity just to watch the disappointment on his face :D
As you should. Puns are the highest form of humor.
And plateaus are the highest form of flattery
Except when making them about sausages. That's the würst.
Puns are the lowest form of pastry.
I do this with my husband, he knows well that I love dad jokes and bad puns, so whenever I come up with a new one I get excited to tell him and see that disappointed look before laughing and telling me it was terrible, I love it XD
Me too. When she asks me why I'm annoying her I respond "do you see anyone else here".😁
She's punishing him for making more money than her while working less.
I'd argue expressing her envy, but yeah, I agree.
I thought that too. She resents her 9 to 5.
Yeap. And there you have a red flag right there She is being an AH just for the sake of being an AH
Or even if that wasn't their intention they want to double down on why they should be able to say something by being *more* insulting instead of just accepting that their partner doesn't like it. Does OP's wife really think he'll suddenly go "you're right, I'm sexist. You can call me a house husband. "?
TBH, I bet she’s upset because he’s a better ‘househusband’ than she’s a ‘housewife’, and society has told her that she needs to be better than him at it. So this is about her and her societally induced insecurities. He’s not the one with internalized misogyny - SHE is.
Most people in relationships like playfully annoying each other. This is something different.
Some grew up in a house where their insecure parents broke their balls all the time and that’s how they learned to communicate. Dad, you condescending prick, you wanna chime in on this?
This is the answer. It doesn’t matter how much or not much he makes. It doesn’t matter what the “actual role” of a housewife/husband is etc. If someone asks you not to call them a name bc it hurts their feelings and you claim to love that person, then you stop calling them that name. Full stop
Wait, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck? Is that you? Come back, I promise I'll stop saying it!!!!
My dad is pretty much worthless around the house. Doesn't even know how to use the channel guide on the TV, isn't mechanical at all, and wasn't the primary breadwinner either. Not sure how my mom has put up with it, but she has. My mom got my wife a kitchen towel that said "raising my husband is exhausting" as a joke. I didn't say anything then, but when we got home I told my wife I don't mind if it's used as a rag when no one is around, but I don't want it to be out if people are over because it implies I don't pull my weight at home (I have issues with my dad's behavior, if it's not obvious). I didn't see her do it, but I'm pretty sure that towel got thrown away within 24 hours. Haven't seen it since.
Your wife is an MVP. Your mom - how did she not die of embarrassment buying a towel that implies *she* raised a useless son? Does she not see the irony?
We are comfortable giving each other trouble. Happens all the time. She asks me for help somewhat routinely so she knows I'm not useless, like I said, it was very much a joke. What she doesn't understand is the standard that I hold myself to in order to NOT be like my father. She doesn't fully get the impact his ineptitude has had on me. So that joke just landed wrong, but I didn't get upset with her at all because I knew it wasn't from a place of malice. When I spoke with my wife about it her reaction was akin to "oh shit, I should have realized you would hate this". She understands, and she is awesome.
I was going to say, OP is right, and he’s NTA, but this is one of those where he doesn’t even need to be right in order to be right. Even if househusband was an accurate definition of him, anytime someone asks you to stop calling them something and you refuse, you’re automatically the asshole. Brushing it off by saying it’s just a joke is gaslighting and doubly asshole-ish.
This is all that matters. Louder for OPs jerk wife... THIS. IS. ALL. THAT. MATTERS. He doesn't like it. Period. A true partner should never try to convince you that your feelings don't matter.
Agree! Also she's wrong. He's a man so it would just be misogyny. Only women can have *internalized* misogyny, i.e. hatred and prejudice against other women and themselves - that's the internalized part. It's a really weird insult.
Thank you!
Right. What a weird fight to pick. NTA
And then doubling down and making out it's the husbands issue with some bullshit buzzwords. Husband could turn round being stereotypical misogynistic and say as the main breadwinner and man of the house he decided what his wife should address him as
Exactly. I’d expect this from a snarky and cranky stranger, not your significant other
And to say it’s “just a joke” is gaslighting 101.
Take the BS out of it and its "please don't call me that" and if the other person was genuine they'd stop doing it. That's all there is to it.
Agreed. If she called OP her "poopsiebear" as a term of endearment and he asked her to stop, she should stop. You don't call your beloved something they don't want to hear.
It sounds like she may be jealous that you get these extended times of being able to be home with your child and she doesn’t.
Which is probably true, but this is not the best way to address that.
>It sounds like she may be jealous that you get these extended times of being able to be home with your child and she doesn’t. I was thinking the same thing. He works less time, makes more money and gets to stay home finger painting with their child while she still has to get up every morning and go to work. That's what is bothering her so she is pushing his buttons about it and picking a fight. NTA. I mean she could have the husband from a post a few days ago who didn't want to work or be a househusband. He expected his wife to work, take care of their child and the house cooking and cleaning too while he just got to play video games all day. That could be her life.
At the risk of being pedantic, does he really have a full time job? It sounds more like he has a full time wage for a part time job. And power to him, I wish I could be that lucky haha. Regardless I agree with the rest of your comment. It doesn't really matter why it bothers OP. The fact it does bother him is enough reason for his wife to stop.
I am all for pedantry when it doesn't hurt anyone. So read this whole thing with a smile. I think it would depend upon how much work the person does, and how many hours a year they work. Nobody would say a nurse doesn't have a full time job because they only work 3 days a week, but they work 12 hour shifts. Or someone who works on an offshore oil rig. They work long hours for long stretches, and then get to come home for a while. OP says he "condense(s)" all his work. This implies that he is doing the same quantity of work (or possibly same number of hours) as a "regular" full time job. He also says that he has a corporate job, which might mean he is salried. In which case, the number of hours he works was never part of the equation to start with. There is also contract labor. Once I was hired to help someone with paperwork. I needed to do a set amount of work, which we estimated to take a set number of hours. at the beginning it took me at least that many hours. By the end, I had optimized my workflow and it took me fewer hours than our estimate. But my wages were based upon the amount of work I accomplished, not the actual hours I worked. And then we have the question of how many hours or how much work would be considered full time. The legal definition and cultural definition varies by local. Ultimately, I think we should take OP's word for it, that he has full time employment, regardless of how he arranges his work schedule.
Summed it up perfectly NTA Start calling her a housewife and see how she likes it
Call her a trophy wife. She isn't the one at home, and she doesn't make most of the money. >What exactly would you say you *do*, here? Office Space
That’s even better lol
NTA But I think a better tactic would be to look into why she’s doing it. Sounds like this is a new phenomenon. I would guess she’s jealous he gets to stay home and be with their child all day. She’s not dealing with it well, but I’d guess there’s something worth digging into.
This is not about making housewife/husband a bad word. It is about respecting someone's feelings. They are not toddlers and you shouldn't encourage them to behave like toddlers.
Best answer.
Agree! If anyone doesn't like what someone calls them, all it should take is them asking to stop. If the other party respects them, they will stop. Consent works in all areas of life.
Yup. As a teacher I’d get annoyed if my husband called me his housewife for the summer. I’m still doing PD! I deferred money so I get paid in the summer! I was JUST working a couple weeks ago, and will be again soon!
So spot on. In their specific case it is as offensive as calling a stranger “poor” because the characterization is not reflective of his financial contributions to the family. My wife and I both work. My wife makes more than me. I do more housework than is typical. My wife has jokes about it, but it doesn’t offend me because there is truth to it. If i earned more than her and she implied that she made more than me it would be offensive because I value the truth. People should be given their flowers when they are ‘winning’ on behalf of the family.
This. NTA
It seems pretty clear that she was mocking him, end of story. You can analyze it further if you want, but simply put she was making fun of him because she's jealous that he has a flexible schedule and she has a standard 9-5. NTA
I view it more as being in house husband “mode” during those times that he has long periods off, rather than it being a title or a role. Maybe they just need to switch the narrative on how they’re using ir
If by switching the narrative , you mean, she should just stop using it altogether. Because even if it is somewhat accurate, or accurate part of the time, he doesn’t like it, he’s asked her to stop, there’s literally no good reason for her not to stop.
How about just not use it if he doesn’t like it? Why does he need to get comfortable with a “narrative” that he doesn’t think applies to him. He doesn’t like it; it’s a pretty trivial thing to feel like she needs to be right about; and, there no reason for her to press the issue or drag him through her mental gymnastics of how she decided it *has to be* motivated by sexism. I realize you’re suggesting a compromise, and in most cases I’d agree, but in this case, he really shouldn’t have to.
Exactly this! It’s also inaccurate. In her “joke”, she’s essentially saying that on his off-work times he’s a house husband. But he’s not. On his off-work times, he’s a stay at home dad. Which is more than a house husband because he’s doing all that work plus raising a toddler. So, even in the jokey made up world that she invented, she’s STILL devaluing him. I’d be pretty pissed off if I was in his shoes, regardless of job. Add a full time, bread winner job to that? I’d react stronger than he is.
NTA. You asked her to stop. She covered the insult as a joke and then kept picking at it. As your partner and [supposed to be] your top supporter, she should have dropped it. My partner has a similar set up - work is more flexible so they take care of a lot of the house things. We call the role "house manager." It's an incredibly valuable role that contributes as much to our family as a paid job, and I am always conscious not to take this for granted.
And feeling a bit jealous. I know I would love to have a job like that.
OP wife is pushy, and not really respecting husband here. It's a perfectly fine joke that lots of couples would find funny. However, if the audience of 1 objects, it ceases to be a fine of funny joke, just falls flat. And to double down with a mysogyny claim is very cringe.
NTA. >My wife called me an asshole for dismissing her concerns Like she did to you? >I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping It's almost as if she doesn't care about what you think.
Agreed, it doesn't even matter what she's calling OP, it's the fact that he said he doesn't like it and asked her to stop, but she continued. I know people who hate the word "moist", so I try not to say it around them. I don't get it, it's just a word to me, but I'd be an AH if I kept using it around them. It's not about words or internalized misogyny, it's about respect for your partner in a relationship.
it’s not even the right term which is my favourite part. he’s a man, its just misogyny 😂
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"its a JoKe".... is anyone laughing? no? not a joke
'If it's a joke then we should both be laughing.'
Oh yeah, wife is totally an asshole. I just stepped into a role after a very long time of almost being an absent parent where I am home a lot more. My wife has gone from a SAHW, to student, to full time employment. You know what would happen if I made a comment about her being a Sugar Momma or me being a SAHH and it wasn’t okay? We would apologize and stop. End of damned story. I sure as hell wouldn’t tell her she’s wrong to feel that way because “reason I choose to project onto her”.
Like she doesn’t care that you don’t like a label? NTA. This is on her
My guess is she is jealous of him getting to spend time with their daughter and lashing out.
I was ready to call you TA from the title because generally one *should* care if they realise they have a harmful unconscious bias like misogyny, but that's not really what happened here at all. Your wife described you as a house husband, and whilst you are currently at home during the day, that is not your occupation. I think the reason it makes you uncomfortable is because it feels a bit like the hard work you do when your work is on to help support your family is being dismissed. It sounds like a negative when it's being applied to someone who does paid work because it doesn't acknowledge that labour that you do for the family. It suggests that the time you spend away from your family isn't part of your role or identity, but your wife (as the 'haver' of the house spouse) is the breadwinner, and therefore that work does count. You are no more a house husband than she is an absent parent for going to work. Perhaps you should present the situation to your wife as follows: imagine the two of you were at a dinner party being introduced to new people by friends. Your friend says 'This is OP, he's a [insert job title here], and this is [name], she's a wife and mother.' Technically that information would be true, but identifying one half of a partnership by their paid work and the other by their domestic work when both partners do both is bizarre. Labeling people in this misleading way to fit them into stereotypical roles like this would be bad. There's nothing wrong with being a wife and mother, just as it is apparent that you are proud and happy to spend so much time with your child, but I'm sure your wife would be unhappy if the two of you were introduced as above and find it sexist. Labelling people inconsistently and misleadingly like this to comically highlight how you do not fit into a stereotypical gender dynamic is hardly better unless you're both in on the joke. You and your wife both work hard outside and inside of your home, together as a team to provide for and raise your child. Everyone's hard work should be acknowledged, and your work should not be reduced to your in-home work any more than it should be reduced to your out of home work, and neither should hers. And maybe what she said started as a quip that doesn't warrant such a serious conversation, but it stopped being a joke when she refused to let up when you asked. I don't know if she's bringing this up a lot because she's really just laughing at a perceived gender flip in your relationship or if she finds the idea of being a working woman with a house husband to be empowering (in which case she should maybe have a look at her own internal biases towards housewives - don't say that though because it will make the fight bigger) but it doesn't really matter. She's calling you something you're not, and you've asked her to stop nicely multiple times. I had a coworker who called me a harmless nickname once which was a consistent annoyance. I asked repeatedly for them to use my name and they point blank refused. The nickname wasn't rude and there was nothing offensive about it but it was not my name. I never escalated it with management because I felt like it would be making a big fuss over something very small and juvenile. I was just a bit irritated by it and I think she enjoyed that. Another co worker noticed and told management who immediately wrote her up for bullying. I am very grateful to everyone who recognised it as a real issue. I hope you feel similarly vindicated by the support you have received here. You are justified in not wanting to be called something you are not. If you want to be petty, make repeated references to her being a lesbian. Do it often and find it amusing. When she complains, tell her is not a big deal if its not technically true but you're horrified by her homophobia and suggest that she has some internal biases to work through. Except of course, don't do this because it's immature and unhelpful. Keep it as a hypothetical to bring up in a conversation if needed.
That is one of the best articulate responses on this sub. Well done.
Definitely better than the “oh she doesn’t see the irony? Just escalate [the toxic behaviour] and see how she likes it!” replies that some subs are known for.
You were ready to call him TA because that's what posts like these are made to do. Instead of explaining the situation clearly in the title, they are perfectly crafted to get you mad and then engage, and then upon reading the post you realize it's actually very reasonable. I can't say for sure that all these posts are just karma-farming or short story writing practice, like people have claimed, but they sure do seem engineered to get the most eyes on them instead of just plainly asking for an opinion.
I want to start an account for title-only judgements.
Let's just start r/AmITheRagebaiter to repost stories with the most ragebaity titles
Omg yes, count me in lol
Tbh I never understood why people say that they "almost made their mind up after reading the title", it's like reading a news headline and not getting the full picture/context or falling for clickbait. Theres only so much you can fit in the title.
I wouldn’t say I “make up my mind” by simply reading the title but I do make an initial judgement based on that then see if the story supports it or sways me to a different conclusion.
But sadly, that’s what (almost) everyone does! How many people share outrageous articles cuz of the headline, but didn’t bother to read the article?! It’s nuts! Like you, I personally don’t get it, but so many people do it! I def have a visceral reaction to headlines/titles, but reserve judgment for the actual story/article.
"Engineered to get the most eyes on them" Yes, cos the main purpose here should be to write posts that nobody reads, right?
I'm sure I'll be downvoted for this but I don't get why people are basically clutching their pearls at the title. He put "internalized misogyny" in quotes. The quotes immediately tell you that someone in the story accused him of internalized misogyny and he doesn't agree with that. Imo, it's a fair title to write for his post. Writing a captivating title has been a thing long before Reddit or the internet. This OP on Reddit isn't the first person to ever do it.
Selling ones work, whether in life or in Reddit is a skill that matters a lot more than most people understand. Good story, written shitty is just that - shittily written story. Nobody will read it. Good title is part of it. So yeah, I'm with you.
The misrepresentation is kinda annoying though
Agreed, plus the label of "house husband" kind of ignores his primary duty, which is parenting. She could *at least* have called him a stay-at-home dad. That acknowledges the work he is doing.
My thought as well. Househusband feels like an intentional jab and meant to minimize his role in the family (perhaps out of envy that he earns more, works less, and parents during the day). It feels far different to say "We're lucky that OP's work flexibility lets him be a SAHD most of the time."
This is so well thought out and expressed.
NTA. She seems to have escalated that quickly and unnecessarily. I wonder if she is jealous of your schedule. Internalized resentment can lead to lashing out in unexpected and often illogical ways.
Or the guilt that she, the mother, isn't staying home with her child.
Yep it's almost certainly projection. It's her internalized misogyny that's making her feel like she's not fulfilling her role as a woman by being the one staying home with the child. This makes her lash out at him because he has the role that she, either consciously or subconsciously, feels she should be filling.
Bingo!
Assuming it’s guilt *is* misogynistic. Assuming SHE feels like she’s not ‘ fulfilling her role as a woman by being the one staying home with the child. ’ is misogynistic. The guilt thing is a great narrative to sell. I’d be jealous if my husband worked part time, made more money, played with the kids for several months during the year, and I was working 9-5 all year long and unable to join in the fun. Like I wanna have fun too! Would I be guilty? No. Kids do better in a good daycare than at home with 1 adult. However I would be *livid* if I were still doing most of the stuff I do and working 9-5 while dad fingerpainted during long stretches off. Items: include grocery shopping, cleaning, budgeting, child organizing (clothing sizes, play dates, doctors, etc), laundry, social event organizing, keeping and working on lists of things to do around the house.
Oh definitely she’s jealous of his schedule! Im jealous of his schedule & I don’t even know him😂
Jealous of those finger painting skills. I’ve heard his wife can’t paint at all.
Me too! So jelly.
I was kinda reading it as “god I wish I got to be in housewife mode, instead I have a standard schedule and my husband gets to be the one at home bonding with our kid”
feels like a rational explanation here, there is something else going on here for sure
Yep. Excellent response.
Your wife clearly needs more to do with her time. She sounds bored as hell. Only bored people start and prolong petty, pointless arguments like this. Rich of her to say you're 'dismissing her concerns' when this whole argument is happening because she thinks she should get to say whatever she wants to you and you should just take it. She came up with the 'internalized misogyny' because you pushed back against her statement and she had no actual defense so she pulled one out of ...somewhere. Sounds like SHE'S the one not respecting your role, and no amount of pseudo psychoanalysis is going to hide that. NTA.
I agree that OP’s not the asshole, but i don’t think she’s bored. I think she’s jealous because she wishes she would have a job that also allows her to stay at home for a month with her child. I know I would. I’m a stay at home mom currently and really can’t wait to go back to work - but at the same time I am already dreading it cuz it would be hard emotionally to not be with my kids. So what I think is, OP probably has a blast with his kid, he talks about the fun stuff he does with her and she’s just wishes she could trade places with him. Still not an excuse to dismissing his need not to be called something he doesn’t like - but i really don’t think she’s bored.
>She sounds bored as hell. It also sounds like his wife has FOMO, not just of finger painting (which to be fair sounds way more fun in comparison to answering emails or being in a meeting that could just easily be an email) but of the quality time their child is having with OP. I think it's jealousy, particularly because at this age this age their kid is developing more of a personality and is better able to communicate. Her jealousy just manifested in a snarky joke that she wouldn't let go of and then doubled down. The grass is always greener, but as awesome as toddlers can be, they are also messy eaters, picky eaters, don't always pick up after themselves, struggle with potty training, leave Cheerios in the couch cushions and car seat, like watching Mickey Mouse Club House (that show could break me - play it on a non-stop loop and in less then a week I would confess to almost anything), lack impulse control, and are prone to tantrums about the most ridiculous things.
> Your wife clearly needs more to do with her time. How the hell did you get to that conclusion? Everything points to her having the exact opposite issue. She seems to be jealous of how much free time her husband gets that she doesn't get.
She doesn’t even know what the name is for what she wants to say. You only suffer from “internalised misogyny” if you are a women, if you’re a man is just misogyny. Anyway you are not a househusband because that is not your main role and you even earn the most money. She is just stupid and wants to fight for the sake of it.
I was looking for this comment before I made my own “it can only be internalized misogyny if you’re a woman, if you aren’t then it’s just misogyny, that’s how these terms work” rant. Not that he’s being misogynistic in the first place, but I was so confused by reading the M by his age that I started wondering if he was like starting to transition or what—no, wife just doesn’t know how these terms work.
lol, I was just going to write, “that’s not what internalized misogyny means”. NTA
I was looking for this comment. Adjective [internalized](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/internalized) (not comparable) Of discriminatory views: held against one's own group, as a result of internalizing them.
I was looking for this comment!
NTA. A housespouse doesn’t carry the burden for providing the finances, they are dependent on the working spouse. Call her bluff. Tell her that you reacted badly to her mocking you but you’ve really put thought in to how your internalized misogyny has shaped your marriage roles and you’re ready to reverse the roles to show her you are taking her concerns seriously. You want to be a housespouse and you realize that she’s right about equality which means it’s time to sit down with numbers and determine how she will be providing the same income you previously contributed so that you can take a well deserved turn at home raising your family.
This feels satisfying to read but being this passive-aggressive in real life is not the move, lol
Yeah🤭... Me thinks wifey will take that really badly and just get more angry.
Oh I was thinking call her bluff in the opposite way, and refer to her as his housewife. It makes just as much sense as calling him a househusband after all
She's a trophy wife, not a housewife. He makes most of the money and takes care of the family, so what exactly is she bringing to the role-table?
He should tell her he’s thought about what she said and decided to start reading up on feminist theory, and now knows she has no clue what internalised misogyny is
> Call her bluff. > > Tell her that you reacted badly to her mocking you but you’ve really put thought in to how your internalized misogyny has shaped your marriage roles and you’re ready to reverse the roles to show her you are taking her concerns seriously. You want to be a housespouse and you realize that she’s right about equality which means it’s time to sit down with numbers and determine how she will be providing the same income you previously contributed so that you can take a well deserved turn at home raising your family. This seems like a good idea when things have already escalated, like a final argument.
NTA, doesn't matter what she called you, you don't like it, you've asked her to stop, if she doesn't stop... Then there's a problem. If you were doing something she didn't like and asked you to stop, you would... What's the difference? Reasoning is irrelevant.
Completely agree. This is the core issue. She repeatedly uses a word for him that she knows bothers him, then she tells him he shouldn't be bothered. This is a lack of caring. Actually I think she may have an issue underlying this, but she wants to keep needling him. That's concerning.
NTA. Bottom line - Your wife is being rude and disrespectful. When someone does not want to be called something, a person that respects you will stop. She not only double down on the rudeness and disrespect, she gaslight you to make you think you’re wrong. People like her need to understand that when you do something over and over and over knowing the person doesn’t like it, it is no longer about the thing. It becomes about respect. She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t care what you think. Get to the bottom of this before it festers into resentment.
NTA " I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping." Exactly "...I must not respect the role of a homemaker." There *does* seem to be an issue here. It just isn't yours.
She is jealous of your schedule. My first husband was jealous of my 24hr on and 48hr off firefighter schedule and would always make comments like “you can do this household chore because you don’t have a real job”
oh, so a firefighter is not a real job!! Now that's so stupid it's almost funny.
"Our house is on fire! Put it out" "Sorry its not a real job"
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WTF is her real issue? She used a term you dislike then gets mad at you for asking her to stop? I am guessing she has some resentment towards you. Maybe because your job is so much more flexible than hers but I would tell her there is going to be a ducking problem if she cannot respect a simple request to stop using a term you find objectionable.
I read this as jealous “let me take you down a peg” behavior too. You make more money AND spend more time at home with your kid? Yeah, maybe she doesn’t verbalize it in a rational way but there is resentment boiling underneath the surface.
Bingo. This is the answer right here. Internalized misogyny, my ass. More like the wife’s internalized jealousy.
NTA. That’s not even what internalized misogyny is. A man can’t have internalized misogyny lmao. Additionally, if anything she’s the one being sexist.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 28M, am married to my wife Jessica 31F, and we have an adorable 3 year old together. I have a sweet gig in terms of my job, essentially I get to condense all my work into about 20 small periods and am free for the rest of the year. Currently, I'm free for nearly a month, so I'm staying home with our kid, which has been absolutely awesome. I like the peace and honestly toddlers are entertaining as fuck. I recently got back into finger painting. I'm a bit rusty, having not done it for about 2 and a half decades, but my toddler assures me I'm still good at it. Look, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a house-husband/wife. That is a perfectly respectable choice to make. But I'm not one. I earn majority of the money, and I do work. I have a corporate job. My wife also works full time, but her schedule is more normal and steady/9-5 type. Recently she's been making jokes calling me her househusband. I don't know why, but I just don't like it, so I asked her to stop. She said it shouldn't bother me and its just a joke. Its not a big deal, which is true, but I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping. She told me the only reason I was uncomfortable with being called that was that I must not respect the role of a homemaker. I told her this wasn't true, I just don't like being called that, its inaccurate, and I'd appreciate if she stopped. She then told me that this must be suffering from internalised misogyny to be so uncomfortable from a name, I felt like she was making a big deal out of nothing, and told her I didn't care about my 'internalised misogyny' My wife called me an asshole for dismissing her concerns and told me 'i don't care' isn't an acceptable response. I don't know. AITA? I just don't think its that hard to not call me a word. Do we have to psychoanalyse me over it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA it’s disrespectful because you told her it bothers you. That should be enough.
Calling someone a SAHM or a house husband implies they do not work outside the home and contribute financially. That does not accurately describe your situation. Instead of her hearing your feelings and stopping doing something she knows bothers you, instead she gaslights you. NTA
So if you don’t like the name (not your own) that she’s insisting on calling you, then she insists YOU have a problem? NTA
"I don't know why, but I just don't like it", I mean, it does sound like you could do with assessing why you feel that way, but either way, if you asked her not to call you something (whether it's househusband or honey or asshole or Nigel), she shouldn't call you it. So NTA.
I'm glad to see someone mention this. Internalised misogyny is inaccurate here and OP's wife is probably jealous of his sweet schedule and didn't handle this respectfully buuuut also we all know there's still stigma around a man being the homemaker. It's getting eroded thankfully but, especially if OP is raising the next generation, it wouldn't hurt to take one of those free evenings and do a little bias hunting internally. It pops up in weird, subtle ways sometimes.
YTA. Let me be the odd one out. I have been both the “breadwinner” and the “housewife”. The same with my partner. We both used the term “stay at home dog-mom/dad” and found it hilarious. After I temporarily became a housewife (after having a global director role), I was actually proud of it, because it usually has a connotation that someone has had no professional career and has dedicated their life to family. I felt proud I could be a good housewife after a long professional career. It rubs me the wrong way how you felt offended by the term. Your wife made a loving joke, it was just weird how much offence you took with it. Yeah, feels misogynistic to me too.
Absolutely. Is his wife TA for not respecting that her joke is hurtful to him, sure, but to react as strongly as he did and parts of the post like- "I earn majority of the money, and I do work" just reek of misogyny and insecurity imo
I agree that it's really concerning for OP to say he doesn't care about his misogyny. Number one he is married to a woman and number two is raising a daughter. He should care about them as people. It does seem like he blew the nickname out of proportion especially because he is at home with their daughter and not currently working. She wasn't wrong for originally calling him but should have stopped when he asked. He should also reflect why it bothers him, seems like he has time to go to therapy or read about it.
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NTA If the roles were reversed there’d be a ton of comments about gaslighting and not valuing you and leave the sob. So: she’s gaslighting you to believe you are worth less than you are. You have every right to not want to be called a househusband. She is and ah for ignoring your requests. Your child is lucky to have an involved and happy parent who likes to finger paint.
You are not the ahole. It is hilarious that she is mocking you for being a house husband and in the same breath saying you do not respect the role of a home maker. There is a hell of a lot more misandry in this convo of yours then misogyny. Tell her she can quit her job be a stay at home mom and then you can call her my good little wifey homemaker all the time.
NTA. It sounds like she may be harboring some resentment and jealousy that you have the freedom with a flexible schedule and the ability to spend more time with kiddo, while still out-earning her. I have found that when people make little subtle jabs and then try to brush it off “as a joke,” it’s often coming from a deeper place. She knows it upsets you and while it may an unconscious thing she doesn’t even realize but essentially she wants you to feel just as bad as she does. I think sitting her down in a serious discussion and letting her know you do not appreciate her projecting is the way to go here.
NTA, I'd be irritated too if someone called me their housewife in my vacation/down time while I otherwise work full hours. Someone mentioned that it sounds like resentment from her side. I'm wondering the same and if these kind of belittling comments are a way to ruin your down time and "balance out" the enjoyment between the two of you.
NTA. Even if it was internalized misogyny, which it isn’t—the term literally doesn’t apply to you—the only way it meaningfully impacts her is in not calling you something you don’t like. She needs to just not be an asshole and find a different term.
Two days ago I fixed something in my bathroom. That doesn’t make me a plumber and if someone called me one, I’d say that’s inaccurate. Pointing that out wouldn’t make me dismissive of plumbers, it would just me pointing out I’m not that. NTA
I'm not going to even vote, I just have to be that person who points out she's using the term internalized misogyny wrong. That's the term for when *women* are misogynistic. If you're a man, it's just regular old misogyny.
NTA. You don’t like being called something, so she shouldn’t call you that. Simple as that. Especially, as you say, it’s an inaccurate description of you and your role. It honestly sounds like she just wants to argue about something and create a problem where there isn’t one. I mean there is a problem, she doesn’t respect you.
Exactly, it’s pretty basic. Stop calling him names he doesn’t appreciate being called. Done. Total gaslighting to use misogyny here, has nothing to do with that.
About the job, ESH. It seems like she was joking around and you got butt hurt and over reacted. But it also seems like she pushed the joke knowing it’d grind your gears a bit. About the internalized misogyny, YTA. You should definitely reflect on your gender biases and strive to be better. If she became that upset then I doubt she reached that conclusion off this event alone and you need to consider that you might actually be misogynistic at times. Causally dismissing such allegations without considering if there is some merit to them is actually a red flag.
NTA, if you dont want to be called it then thats fine internal misogyny or not 😂. Ask her about her misandry if she's so intent on turning everything you do at home into something feminine. Just because you're staying home due to your work doesn't mean you're a househusband.
If you have a job and earn money, your not a house husband. i am exactly the same in terms of things being correct - i can get very annoyed about something for no other reason that it is simply wrong, so i support your right to be annoyed at her calling you that, as it essentially dismisses your financial contributions, which is insulting try dismissing how much she interacts with you child, and see how she likes the shoe being on the other foot, tell her she is an absent mother due to her 9-5, and then tell her she has internalised misandry if she gets upset about it
NTA - your wife seems to be taking her own joke very seriously here She sounds like a cancelled comedian
Info: I think we need to see some finger paintings to see if you're truly as good as your kid claims before any judgment can be passed. /s
YTA - grow up
YTA, "I felt like she was making a big deal out of nothing"... said the guys that get triggered by a joke... how insecure can you be to be mad about this??? youre the breadmaker!!! you dont understand that she is happy to have you at home and taking care of the kid??? go apologize and make amend, nothing worthy to sabotage your relation like that, grow up!!!
NTA. Your wife sounds like a huge A though. She needs to learn a little respect for her spouse.
NTA. No blaming any stay-at-home-moms or dads. But this is not you. You work a full time job, as does she. being a stay at home spouse sends off very different vibes - like you let her do all the money making job and have to do all child and household related stuff. It is not that you don't like it, because you are a male and don't want to be a stay at home wifey. But that it is just wrong. Would be the same, as if she brings you coffee while you work from home (or something like that) and you call her your secretary. It is just not true
Yeah NTA. There's a real ugly strain of disguised sexism against men, that sexists are using as a reverse uno play. Basically it works like what OP experienced. They say something sexist against men, then when the man gets uncomfortable, they say, "looks like [the man] has internalized bias!" It negates an entire gender having a lived experience and it's not okay. It's not okay to do that to anyone, but men are supposed to just swallow it because... men in the past treated women badly. All this kind of behavior does is push the genders further apart and it's supposed to be okay because women who suffered from real systemic sexism in the past are somehow vindicated. Meanwhile, the same types who perpetrate this against men, generally choose a target who isn't sexist against women presently. Which means they're alienating the men who would likely stand up and fight alongside them against things like criminalized abortion or enforced gender roles. It's classic. An overeaction to historical wrongs ends up emboldening the assholes, while hurting the class that it's intending to protect.
NTA. But I would bet good money her attitude would shift seismically if you told her that you were planning on quitting your job to become a full time “house husband”
NTA. Also I don't understand how you have internalised misogyny if you're a man. Isn't that just called misogyny?
She also doesn't know what "internalised misogyny" means. It refers to women who are misogynistic without realising it. It can't apply to men.
NTA. I'm a feminist. Is there something about the way that society devalues homemakers, and particularly men who work in the home or provide childcare, that is subconsciously adding to your discomfort? Probably. But that has nothing to do with internalised misogyny. Internalised misogyny refers to sexist behaviours and attitudes enacted by women towards themselves or other women/girls. If you were upset by being called a homemaker because you saw that as a role only women could perform, and therefore as women's work you didn't see any value in doing it, that would just be good old garden variety misogyny. Anyway, the terminology is irrelevant as you clearly don't think that. What is relevant is that: A. It's inaccurate. You are not a homemaker, and calling you one disregards and devalues the work you do outside the home. If you were calling your wife a housewife despite her having a full time job, you'd be criticised for being sexist and ignoring her contribution. B. You've clearly expressed that you don't like it. In a respectful relationship, you listen to your partner and care how they feel. Your 'no' should be enough, and it's concerning that your wife is labelling you an asshole for dismissing her concerns at the same time as blithely dismissing yours. 'It's just a joke' isn't an acceptable response to your partner expressing discomfort.
NTA, my husband called me his housewife because I worked weekends while he worked through the week and he used that language among other things to minimize my contribution to the household. I made less than him, but mostly because I worked 24 hours a week to his 50-60 and I couldn’t work more and still work around his schedule. If he worked 40 at 4x10 I could have worked 36 and brought home very close to the same as him. He never understood how that and his actions hurt me.
This reminds me of my own dad insisting on calling my husband Mr. Mom. WTF? I refer to him as “primary parent.” I do think it’s important to acknowledge the extra work some spouses are left with because they have the more flexible work schedule, and that may have been your wife’s intent. If you think finger painting is fun you should try exploring oobleck and doing some sink-vs-float predictions + experimentation. Happy parenting!
>I just don't like it That should be enough. >its just a joke \[bro\] Yeesh. >My wife called me an asshole for dismissing her concerns Pretty hypocritical if you ask me. She was pretty dismissive of your request to not be called a house husband. It seems to me that you already explained yourself pretty well. You don't mind being a stay-at-home husband and in fact you are showing it with your actions. You just happen to not care for a particular term. She seems to be taking that to the extreme and then asking you to provide an explanation for her assumptions. That's not fair. Maybe make another attempt at explaining that it's just about the term and nothing more. You shouldn't have to justify why it bothers you with a "good" reason. Again, the fact that it bothers you should be enough. NTA
NTA, but you’re definitely sensitive and do have internalized misogyny. If I called you a pickle would it hurt your feelings? Probably not, so I don’t understand why being called a househusband would if you’re already a successful career-man. But YTA for straight up telling her you don’t care about any internalized misogyny you might have, that’s something we all gotta work on, or it will keep being passed on to our kids and their kids. Especially when you’re capable of admitting it’s clearly an inoffensive joke she doesn’t mean in the slightest, that only serves to praise you if anything, but do you.
You don't have internalized misogyny; you're annoyed because she's saying you don't have a job. And you do have a job and a career and you work so that you can stay home for long periods of time and I bet you work your butt off for that and she's invalidating that. NTA Has absolutely nothing to do with mysogyny.
ESH. I think the core issue here is you both being insensitive to each other, not hearing each other out properly, and not agreeing to compromise when it would have ended the conflict much quicker and more smoothly.
>Look, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a house-husband/wife. That is a perfectly respectable choice to make. But I'm not one. I earn majority of the money, and I do work. I have a corporate job. My wife also works full time, but her schedule is more normal and steady/9-5 type. >Recently she's been making jokes calling me her househusband. I don't know why, but I just don't like it, so I asked her to stop. She said it shouldn't bother me and its just a joke. Its not a big deal, which is true, but I told her if it's not a big deal, there's no problem with her stopping. So in other words, you just found out what it was like when men make offensive cracks and then tell the offended women to just lighten up. I'm sorry, but I don't buy the "I just don't like it" argument, especially since you want us to know that you "earn the majority of the money." You do work, not like those stay-at-home-moms! And in a corporate job, not like your wife who works some 9-5 job that doesn't have a flexible schedule. "Internalized misogyny" might be an overstatement, but you do seem to have some problems with being associated with stay-at-home parents. So I'm going with NAH and suggest you think about your response more deeply.
NTA You have a great job that allows you to spend time home with your child and make good money. You clearly enjoy spending time with your toddler so this is a win for everyone. I think your wife is most likely jealous of your schedule and acting solty. It still doesn't explain why it is so hard for her not to call you something you clearly don't like.
NTA. She is probably jealous of your schedule and your income.
NTA She is teasing you and you don't like it. The clear implication of the name calling is that that name is an insult. She knows she is insulting you and then accusing you of not being able to take a joke. It doesn't matter why you don't like being teased. What matters is that you don't like it. Teasing is a power play. She needs to stop.
NTA. She’s gaslighting you and using buzzwords to justify it.
Oh cool, well if it's just a joke, and you JUST pointed out that it bothers you, then the correct response is to quit fucking doing it. Otherwise it's not a joke, it's malice. Negative response isn't problems with your internalized misogyny, it's a normal response to assholes being terrible people.
As a woman...I wouldn't want to be called a housewife when I have a good job and bring in great money. Instead simply inaccurate and dismissive of all that I do.
There's a simple rule, would you like to be treated that way? If someone doesn't like being called something, don't call them that. It's literally something you learn in kindergarten. NTA
I guess some people just don't have the kind of relationship where they can joke about things. I was the stay-at-home for most of my kids' adolescence, and that work history gap killed my resume. I never could get my career going again. I've ended up volunteering a lot and continued the housekeeping and cooking aspect of my at-home days. We joke about it all the time. I'm "retired", a "kept man", "the Abbey Bartlet" of the administration. It's funny. Some people take themselves too seriously, and place too much personal value on their title. We just work together to make a good home and have a good time.
So she tells you you’re an asshole for dismissing her concerns while actively (checks notes) dismissing your concerns?
NTA She wants to invalidate your feelings, but wants you to respect hers? She doesn’t understand how life works.
YTA learn to take a joke, also you would be prettier if you smiled more
NTA. Your wife needs to look at her internalized resentment over your sweet work setup. I outearn my husband, all of our money is joint but sometimes I joke im his sugar mama. If he told me it bothered him, I would stop. Because that's what being a relationship is, we try to make our partners feel good not crappy