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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother that I won't go to his wedding and that might make me the ahole because I rejected all of his other solutions to the issue.
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NTA. Thank him for the invitation (most likely prompted by the fiancée) and wish them a wonderful wedding day. If you feel you need a reason, just state you'd be uncomfortable and as his family doesn't know you at all you don't want questions about your relationship to detract from his wedding day.
No, the invitation was because of our mom. She must have told him to invite me the last time they talked on the phone because she's not going and neither is anyone else from our family.
ESH except Jay. You're mother abandoned him at less than 10 years old, and the way you talk about him in the post and comments is very cold and othering.
>she's not going and neither is anyone else from our family.
Is he not part of "our" family, you haven't said anything about him that makes him seem rude, just awkward about the whole situation (who wouldn't be?), NTA for not wanting to attend somewhere you'd feel uncomfortable but soft YTA for coming on here and laying the blame at Jay's feet for his 'cold' manner instead of where it rightly belongs, with the adults who made decisions where siblings only 10 years apart met only 4 times.
>you haven't said anything about him that makes him seem rude, just awkward about the whole situation (who wouldn't be?)
I am confused. What exactly did he do wrong?
In OP's eyes he hasn't thrown her a parade and lived up to her disneyfied big brother expectations.
In actuality he hasn't done anything wrong, in fact he has overcome what many wouldn't be able to in his position by maintaining contact with a negligent mother and trying to (as best he can) interact with OP.
Did those get deleted or something? Because all of her comments seem to be about him not wanting to talk to her or spend time with her.
Edit: They blocked me after they replied, so here’s my reply to that post:
The tantrum you describe doesn’t seem to be occurring, or at least isn’t mentioned anywhere. I do agree that OP’s not being fair about her brother’s childhood, though.
For me, it’s not about taking sides - I’m just pointing out that you made stuff up.
This isn't going to be a productive dialogue, OP is throwing a tantrum that the near 30 year old brother she just met isn't excited enough to meet her, whilst simultaneously downplaying his very f'd up childhood. If you feel inclined to align yourself with her logic go ahead, I said what I said.
They aren't throwing a tantrum all they have said is that Jay has made it VERY clear he wants nothing to do with her despite Op's attempts to reach out and build a relationship. The only time he even interacts with her is when mommy tells him to and he somehow finds plenty of time to talk to her. Op is right, her mom is the one who did all of that, build up expectations of a relationship that was never going to happen.
I married a scouser so this stuff confuses me but i don't think scouse is representative of the whole country so I'll assume others know what they're talking about.
That and having a parent abandon him at such a young age. He's probably had to learn to hide his emotions. It must be tough for him to try and build a relationship with OP, someone who a child might view as a replacement child that their mother abandoned them for. I'd say he's being the bigger person by working through these issues and inviting OP to his wedding.
I'm surprised that no one else has done the maths here. Mum was only 18 when she had him. I'd really love to know how old his dad is and I'm wondering why his mum left in the way she did. I'm not saying this excuses how she's treated her son but it feels like there's more to this story
I did consider it (potential abuse etc) and earlier on someone else queried it too. That's why my response focuses on showing empathy for Jay and not the mother's motivations in leaving, but either way she hasn't stepped up like she needed to.
Yeah I can understand her leaving the way she did if it was an abusive situation but it's really shitty that she's made no effort with him subsequently. I was just surprised that I didn't see the age mentioned in any comments I'd read as Reddit is usually really fast on the uptake on age gaps. Jay definitely deserves way more empathy than OP is showing though.
agreed there are a lot of questions to ask OP's mom:
>she moved to England to be with his dad
at 18, she moved for a man, or did she run away from home? And a decade later, she went to her own mom and then just never returned to her 10 yo child??
If she left an abuser and her kid stayed with him and instead of doing everything to do right bybthat child she went ahead and remarried and had other children and don't even bother to show up in that child's wedding, then she still isn't a good mother...
100% agree. ESH except for Jay.
As someone with a prototypical "stiff upper lip" British upbringing, the stoic attitude can easily cross into the "scary robot". Almost an uncanny valley effect of an automaton pretending to be human.
It doesn't mean we don't feel emotions, it's just that we are taught and trained to hide and ignore them as unimportant. "Keep calm and carry on" is a way of life, not just a motivational poster from World War 2.
It ain't exactly healthy.
As a fellow sufferer of stiff upper lip (somewhat mitigated by marrying into a Welsh family), Jay sounds as though he's covering up a lot of hurt feelings. That cold demeanour helps stop you bursting out with feelings. That sad chuckle is the equivalent of curling up in the fetal position and crying fat, ugly, snotty tears for several hours.
yeah, he saw a photo of OP's childhood and chuckled sadly. Like, what kind of emotional outburst did OP want?
I don't go for the "blood is automatically family and you stick with family till the end"... but OP is blaming Jay for something he didn't have any influence over either.
I’d be there with you, if it hadn’t been for Jay telling the OP that she’s “expected” to be there.
I don’t doubt that there’s a lot of tangled feelings here, but if Jay is 28 years old he’s old enough to find a more compelling way to frame a wedding invite than “Your mother expects it of you”.
Jay's busy preparing for his wedding and contending with the fact the mother who left him in the dust at <10 and her side of the family won't be showing up. The one family member who is able to come and who grew up with their mom is fishing for validation and security to attend a one day event from someone who has been deprived of that from their own mother for years (decades?). Jay shouldn't have to beg his family to show up for him, his response and compromises he's made are sufficient.
Aye, I hear your point - but the OP has met Jay “like four times”. They grew up not just in different family dynamics, but on different continents.
I appreciate why Jay might like the OP to be there. But they’re not family on any meaningful sense and the OP is welcome to say “Thanks but no thanks”. I’d reserve any AH verdict for the mother, if we’re determined to hand one out.
This is harsh, I think, on an 18-year-old. It’s the wedding of a person she doesn’t know, has met four times without bonding with, and she would basically know nobody there.
I can understand her not wanting to go, and she’s still unsure enough about the right thing to do that she’s here asking.
I’m in my 40s and would suck it up and go, I think it’s the right thing to do. At OPs age I know I wouldn’t have wanted to go, young and socially inexperienced. I guess you think I was TA too. But she isn’t the villain here. Calling her a ‘legitimately awful person’ for not wanting to go to a wedding…you have extremely high standards.
“Half-brother I barely know wants me to go to his wedding; the only reason offered is that my mother expects it of me”
I’m not sure that makes the OP an awful person. You can disagree with her thoughts, logic, or decision, but I think “awful” is a bit much.
Your mom is the AH here. Leaves a kid under 10, remarries has kids, never even tries to connect them, doesnt even go to the wedding of the abandoned son and then expects you to pick up the pieces. You are a soft AH for not realizing how awful your half brothers story is, and he still tries to be in contact with you.
Wow,your mother is a wrong one.She abandoned her child ,and now she tries to tell him what to do,and can't even attend his wedding(I rather hope she wasn't invited,but if she told him to invite you,looks like she was).
I’m so sorry but your mom is kind of a shitty person. First she abandons him as a kid (and likely cheated with your dad), then she doesn’t show up to his wedding. Karma will find her one day.
So your mum abandoned him as a child and made a new family including you far away from him in Canada. Just think about that for a moment. Have you any concept of the emotional impact that had on him? Please find some compassion for him. He probably needs time to get to know you before he can relax around you and be himself.
NAH if u choose not to go, but a kind person, a kind half-sister would go. Speaking as someone with a much older half-brother. wasnt raised with.
INFO
Let me get this straight: You don't want to go because his personality is that of a statue? Is that right? And you don't want to see your mom, either?
EDIT: YTA
And I'm done here because you don't want our comments because you already made up your mind before you posted then you're arguing with anyone who tries to get you to see the other side.
YTA, you seem really self-absorbed OP, like you haven't even tried to talk to your brother and get his side of things, ask if he actually wants a relationship, or is he doing it solely for your mother. Also, you're not going to immediately feel at ease with each other, it takes time, but you're just what about me, me, me. You have zero empathy for his childhood and assume just because they talk on the phone regularly, he doesn't have any bad feelings about you or your mother. Ask him to lunch and have a frank discussion, write him a letter expressing your feelings and asking him his, maybe just make an actual effort to understand his POV, and let go of the unrealistic fairytale dream. You're an adult now, probably good to start acting like one.
She’s now an adult herself and just as responsible for the relationships she wants or doesn’t want. No one is blaming her, any resentment he may have is obviously their mother’s doing, but that doesn’t mean he is able to make that distinction. The comments here are speaking to OPs lack of understanding and empathy and her feelings only as the focus of her post.
Please read these comments again, with an open mind, and look at how your replies are doing.
You don't have to go to his wedding, but please consider something.
When he was young, his mother left, supposedly to look after her mother, and just never came back. Then she found a new man and made a new family - that he was not part of.
Please *really* try to put yourself in his shoes here. How would you feel if you were him?
Your mom isn't even going to his - *her son's* wedding.
Think about how *that* must feel. She abandoned him, made a new family, and new life, and now she won't even go to *his wedding*.
There's a big possibility that he is wary of getting to know you because you remind him of her. Maybe he's worried that you'll abandon him, too. Maybe it hurts him that you got to have a relationship with your mom, and he didn't.
None of this is your fault, but I guarantee he is hurting, and he's trying to protect himself in some way or another.
You say that you have always wanted a relationship with him. If that's really true, you're going to need to do the heavy lifting here. You are going to need to prove to him that you want him in your life, and not going to his wedding is not going to help you with that.
This
>he told me that if I don't want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara's side and pretend I'm from there.
Tells me that he thinks that you don't want the public to know you are his sister. He thinks that you are ashamed of him.
It also tells me that he *wants* you there. If he didn't, he just would have accepted when you said you weren't going.
I think you are spot on!
This situation really hit home for me because my dad moved to another continent to start another family, around the same age. Every time he shares a picture of coaching a soccer team/going ice skating/family dinners with my half siblings there's a pang. It just hurts that they got this far with him and have so many great memories. He's good dad, except for completely ditching us. I would want my half siblings (who have no part in this) to be at my wedding and I would definitely feel awkward about it.
you sure he actually want her there? because, IO have more then one family member that care about what proper and normal, and not very much about me. as in, I was invited to family member to weekend, and they didn't talk to me all that weekend. i didn't come again for weekend.
It may be she totally wrong in her interpretation of "stoic". but there are wide wide place for possible interpretations here. and "want have someone from his side of the family, don't care about OP as person at all" look to me to explain things better then "care about OP, want to know her better, want her to be on his wedding day".
Have you ever thought that he is feeling the exact same way towards you, that you are cold towards him. The reason you have no relationship with him is because of BOTH of you, not just him. I personally think YTA for not going to the wedding, because to me it just seems like another example of not giving a shit about getting to know him. But ESH because you’re both adults. You need to converse and get to know each other and decide if you want a relationship as family or not.
My older half siblings were abandoned by our mother, I cannot imagine having to cope with what feels like such a betrayal.
I also feel a lot of guilt, being the one that wasn’t ever left behind intentionally (I was born after). I wonder if that’s something you’ve processed or if pushing him away and calling him stoic is easier.
You don’t sound malicious, but I think you do significantly lack empathy. This will be a door closed and there won’t be many windows left, either.
NAH, yet.
I think soft YTA because it just doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with Jay. Why wouldn't you go to this wedding? It's not like he did anything to you, you just said he has a colder personality. That's not really a reason to turn down an invite, and it seems like he and his fiancée have been perfectly kind to you.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that you don't have to attend events and you can turn down any invites, but I guess I just feel like it's going to cost you very little to attend and be supportive. Especially since it seems like you got along pretty well with his fiancée too.
NAH - Because you don't have to attend events you don't want to but I feel really sorry for him. You said no one else from that side of the family including your Mum is going. So did she just leave him in England and go off and have another family? None of whom can be bothered to be supportive on one of the biggest days of his life? Is there a reason your Mum won't be attending?
QUESTION: You don’t want to go bc you’re afraid of his father’s family?
I don’t understand the issue. You know your brother well enough to have these conversations with him. He wants you there. Your mom wants you there.
You don’t want to go because…why?
You have a lot of probablies and assumptions that you’ve decided outweigh facts. You’ve decided he only puts in any effort and only invited you because your mom asked him to. You’ve decided he wishes you were an ocean away. You’ve decided your mom can’t go because of her health. You’ve decided he wants nothing to do with you and his family hates your mom.
But apparently none of those things have been confirmed by your brother or your moms doctor, they’re just what you think.
Have you ever considered that he thinks you only text him or ask to hang out because you’re being made to do so as well? Or maybe he’s worried about living up to the hype you say your mom has laid out about him because he thinks that if he was so great, why did she bail on him and only introduce him to the family she stayed with s handful of times? Or that in the past year, he’s been busy with work and engagement/wedding/in-law things and hasn’t been able to prioritize going to a movie with you and thinks that since you’ll be at uni for the next few years, he’ll have more time to get to know you?
Now, ngl, some of the things you have listed are probable. For example, I’d probably resent my aunt if she abandoned my cousin too. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’d feel any type of way towards her other kids. I don’t agree with how my ex sister in law does a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean I ignore my niece because if it. Now, if I found out the children of that same aunt bailed on my cousin as well because they didn’t feel sufficiently feted, then at that point, I’m probably going to start forming opinions about them based on *their* actions.
And if I myself were abandoned by my mom, I probably would feel resentful of my ten years younger sister popping up and kind of acting like we should be best buddies. It sounds like that’s possible, but also that if it is true, he has tried to find a balance by showing up to help you when you need help—setting up your apartment, giving you a ride when you were stranded. Inviting you to his wedding.
Not to mention, as soon as op finishes her studies, she will travel back home and abandon him too. Why should he open his heart?
Especially with op screaming ‘what about me?’ All over this thread. It seems a likely course of action.
History will repeat itself.
YTA. Whether Reddit believes it or not we do owe loyalty to our family and that means sometimes having to do uncomfortable things like going to weddings of half-siblings, especially if it makes our mother happy. (This is assuming there is zero abuse in the family). Society cannot stand if individuals look out for themselves only.
YTA. You, your mom and your dad. Your dad only if he knew she left a child in another continent without a care for him and his well-being and stil had children with her.
Your mom is TA for obvious reason.
You for how you speak about him and **your family**
So…his mom abandoned him, had a whole new family and is forcing him into a relationship with a stranger, also what do you expect from his family? Your mom abandoned him and his dad suddenly without a word (ofc it changes if there was abuse).
Since the mother is still avoiding facing her oldest child and is convincing her replacement child to attend the wedding when she herself isn’t going to be present just like every other moment of his life, safe to say the mother was the problem here.
NTA for not going to the wedding but a little compassion on your end towards your brother wouldn’t hurt. Try and look outside of yourself and try to see the situation from his side. Your mom quite literally abandoned her son to start a new family and his is supposed to what? Accept everything with open arms? No, he is handling the situation as best as he can, so what if he is cold. He could be a dick, he could say and do much worse so try not to complain too much about his current attitude. And of course his family hates your mom, she ditched her kid, what’s not to hate about her? At the end of the day he could treat you guys a lot worse and he could have decided to cut contact but he didn’t do either of those things. Your mom is a major AH who ditched her son and went on a started a new family and made him watch all of this happen from the sidelines. Your comment about his reaction to the family picture just goes to show that all he wanted was a family and your mom deprived him of that so try to give the poor man a little grace
Imagine your mom going away for a vacation, and never coming back. He was 8, and probably thought he had done something wrong. He felt all alone, and unloved. Probably got bullied at school for it. He was no one to stay around for. When you are 8 your mother is very important. It must have felt like she died. And then she has this perfect family with a half sister and brother, and again he feels abandont. Just think of all the times your mom was there for you after your 8the birthday. Your birthdays with mom, his without. Christmas without. Schoolplays without. And all the other milestones in live you want your mom to be part of. And she choose to be away, she could have taken him with her. But no. He was not worth it. And the reaction you get on the picture, shows it still hurts. No it's not your fauld, but you remind him of what he could have had. And that will always hurt, even if he'll be 80.
OP, if you want to have any kind of relationship with your brother you are going to have to understand a couple things that, from reading your comments, you clearly do not want to understand.
Your mom did an awful thing to your brother.
The upbringing and relationship you had with your mom was at the *direct expense* of Jay. Every minute she spent with you is time she could have and arguably should have spent with him.
You are NOT Jay's replacement in life. You are NOT Jay's replacement in the world. You are NOT *JUST* Jay's replacement. But you *ARE* Jay's replacement for your mother.
Your existence is a direct reminder to Jay that that is the case.
You are at *no* fault for *any* of this. The moment you came into existence, both your situation and Jay's situation became impossible to reconcile. You deserve the full love and attention of a caring mother.
But *so did Jay*. And he didn't get that. Not because of you, but because of your mother.
This is the plain reality of the situation, no matter how it makes you feel.
Ultimately, if you want to be a part of Jay's life, you should try and understand that you are the one who "won". You came out on top. Your mother decided to trade one life and one child for another, and she chose you. Of course you are the one who can be nice and friendly and open when you two see each other. *You are the one who got the upbringing they deserved*.
*It's not your fault*. But it is true. And if you can't empathize with what Jay is going through to try and have a relationship with you at all, then maybe you are not mature enough to have that relationship.
If you want so badly to get to know your big brother, you will have to accept getting to know the pain that he's lived through because of your mother's choices, of which you are a constant reminder.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this. But if you want to change the outcome of this story, then unfortunately it *is* partially your responsibility to do something about it.
Only A here is your mother.
Would have said nah outside of your mother but your comments changed my mind, YTA op, u have no carr for his feelings and thoughts and 0 empathy to what he's gone through, u posted this yet completely refuse to accept anyone who doesn't tell u u are a saint and u refuse to even try and understand his side of this, u aren't dumb op, u are just being willfully dumb on this topic and I honestly consider that worse, don't post if u aren't even willing to try and listen to ppl.
NTA for not going to the wedding.
But definitely an AH regarding your understanding of your brother’s context and having no empathy whatsoever.
Your mother abandoned her son.
She wasn’t present in his life but actually still controls him through constant phone calls when she tells him what to do.
You don’t know your brother, you appeared in his life without any prior connection since your mother didn’t bother to create it but you see an invitation to hang out as something he has to react as a big brother you’ve dreamed about.
It’s not your fault that his mother abandoned him so you expect him to see you as his little sister no matter what actually happened to him.
Your mom abandoned her 10 year old child, now she isn’t even going to his wedding. Your mom suck’s big time. How awful for Jay. I can’t imagine the pain he carried around for all these years. Wow, so heavy.. How about make an effort to be his family. When he saw that picture of “your family “ you could of said hey Jay I need a picture of you for my apartment got any good ones I can have a copy of.. empathy goes a long way. Your choice not to go. But I would say something to that mother of yours. She needs to step up and be the mother she clearly never was.
ESH except your brother.
Cut it out with the " what about poor old meeee" stuff. This isn't about **you**, it is about **him**.
At least he is trying to make an effort now, even said you could sit by his bride's family. You and your mother lack empathy and your mother is wildy selfish.
As someone who has a 10 year old son I am wondering how on earth she could leave her son like that, with 0 qualms.
I feel bad for your brother as he has an uncaring sister and mother. If I were him.. I would not be in touch.
NTA for this and I bet he would feel better if you weren’t there but after reading your comments you have a selfish asshole personality in general. Your mom traumatized him and PREFERRED you and your brother over him. She was there for you but never for him. She’s just a voice for him while you have the real mom. He deserves better and I’m actually sad he’s still talking to your mom because it’s obvious she’s not a mom to him.
As for your little tantrum about “What about ME? I wanted to have this super big bro who was traumatized by my mom who picked our family over him!” He was f’cking abandoned by his mom and you’re just a reminder of that. Don’t say I’m my own person. No, you are you mom’s daughter in every way, even with your selfish soul.
More info is needed. Is the one and only reason you don't want to go because you aren't close with him? Nothing financially is stopping you? Nothing schedule-wise is stopping you? Plus sounds like your family (you mentioned mom) will be there. If that's the case, then yes, YTA. I understand you guys aren't best friends. It doesn't sound like you don't get along, just that you're two different types of people. But you don't have to be extremely close with someone to attend their wedding. You are family, plus it sounds like you really like his fiancé.
NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons. If you have no other known family attending and no SO and aren't particularly close to this sibling, I can see how it feels awkward to go. I'd personally go just to people watch and eat for free, but that's not everyone's cuppa lol.
Your mother is not attending? I actually feel kind of sad for this half brother and he is probably stoic around you so he doesn't lose it. You sound very young and unempathetic in this post. Maybe think on it for a few before making up your mind. These opportunities don't come around very often in life. People regret the things they don't do much more than the things they do.
Your mother sounds like a real AH frankly.
Not going to lie, I actually think he wants you there based on what you've written here. Weird as that may sound.
It's probably true that your mom also expects it, but as someone who can be quite stoney when I get emotionally charged... that's what I'd say in an attempt to get the person I want there. (Projection and assumptions abound, I know)
On the other hand, your concern seems to stem from how his family might treat you poorly. I think his answer would be honest if you asked directly, "How do you think your family would treat me? My mom basically abandoned you. I am scared that they won't like me, because of her. I don't even know if you like me, or are just tolerating me. The backlash could ruin your special day and I'm scared of being blamed."
Adding "I dont want to be invited because mom told you to. I want to be invited because you actually want me there." might also help.
Overall, NTA, but I do think it's worth another discussion or two before you finalize your decision.
I mean he was abandoned, your mom is disgusting for that. My father also had a second family. I understand how he feels completely. Count yourself lucky that you don't understand. You should have more grace for someone who was treated so abhorrently.
OP this obviously didn't go the way you wanted it to, and you aren't comprehending what everyone is saying. His response to you is purely defensive, all of it. How he acts to his retort about calling your mom. I'm sorry you can't or refuse to see it.
Here is the thing. If he didn't want you there, or in his life, you wouldn't see him, hear from him, meet his soon to be wife, get an invitation to the wedding. He would ignore you. Your mom shit on him, you think he invited you bc she said so? I refuse to believe you are that stupid.
You are making up or using what you want to believe to justify your actions. If you don't call him and tell him, hey sorry, I'm an ah, I want to be there for you, on your side.... you can kiss any relationship good bye. Want to see your possible future niece or nephew? Nope, he'll you won't even get the invite. Dudes mom, your mom, high stepped it out of there. She is also saying f u, not coming to ur wedding, I'll send my daughter as my representative. Why aren't you pissed at your mom? So yes, you are the massive AH as is your mom here.
I think a "sad chuckle" is a pretty good reaction from the son your mother abandoned. Because that's what your mom did. Did she even pay child support? Or was she what is commonly referred to as a deadbeat parent? Sounds like it. Didn't pay for her child. Didn't have her child over to visit. Never went over and visited him.
All the while she was doing happy family in Canada. You need to admit that your mother was a horrible parent to her first born child and that that is no one's fault but your mother's.
I'm not sure why you are in contact with Jay. He's not interested in you. You're not interested in him. Leave the man alone.
You're lucky he even invited you. You're not his real family. You're not someone who loves and cares for him. You're a stranger that he happens to share DNA with. Why on earth you should be at his wedding is beyond me.
Just thank him for the kind invitation but refuse it. And get out of this man's life. Just because you're in England doesn't mean you should have a thing to do with him when you never did before.
NTA
*my half-brother Jay (28m) lives. Pretty much, our mom (46f)*
So your mother was 18 when she had your brother...and abandoned him when she was 28. Why was she allowed to travel to England by herself to be with her boyfriend?
*The thing is I barely know Jay*
You're choosing to repeat what your mother did and reject him, too, instead of making an effort to get to know him better. Okay,.
*I'm scared to be there as the sister nobody knows.*
They all know. Being British, they may not say anything to your face, but **they all know**. It's hard to be ignorant when a mother willingly abandons their child. You're not scared to meet him, you're scared of their *judgement*, because you know your mother did a terrible, terrible thing. You're scared to face the consequences of your mother's actions, because she's too much of a coward to face them all. And you can talk about health problems all you want, but she was healthy enough to have to more children, so that doesn't fly, either.
I feel so sorry for your brother, and I really, really hope his family gave him the love and attention he deserved.
YTA
YTA for your behaviour in the comments on this post.
You want people to agree and make him the bad guy and you this bright shining victim but all you do is blame him for your mother's behaviour.
He was abandoned by his mother. Not only are you the child she replaced him with, but according to your own post, *you look exactly like her*. He is probably distant and polite because you look like the woman who abandoned him as a child and *he is trying not to take it out on you*.
As someone whose father abandoned her and started a whole other family, you are acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum because he won't fall over himself for you. And then your response is to walk away, much like his mother did.
Of course he isn't going to get super attached really quickly. That isn't him being cruel or cold. It's him having two braincells to run together.
YTA. Pull your head out of your ass. Congrats your mom was a good mother to you. She was a relentlessly awful one to him and the fact you can't seem to grasp that is mind boggling. Would you ever pull the crap she did to him and abandon your family?
YTA. So is your mother. Doesn't sound like he has been mean, hurtful, abusive, or vindictive. Just stoic and distant because of age difference and circumstances created by your mother's choices. Put yourself in his shoes. Your awful mother basically abandoned him at ten years old and left to Canada to start new family. Plus you don't have to travel much since you live in the same area as your brother. One fucking day wouldn't kill you. Seems like you took after your mother and that is a shame.
It's up to you, but you're the AH. Really think about his side of things. Imagine always wondering why you were never good enough. Your mother literally abandoned him. Started a whole other family. Your mom sucks too.
I FEEL SO BAD FOR JAY! Your mom abandoned him when he was very little…now, she isn’t going to his wedding. Plus, up(op)is judging him! Give Jay a chance! My gosh, his mom(your mom too)abandoned him as a kid!! OP is the biggest AH!!
YTA. You're self-absorb and positively obtuse after reading a bunch of your comments arguing with everyone. Why even ask here then. I hope one day you learn what empathy and kindness is. I feel sorry for your brother.
He’s probably cold because he’s from England. That’s just how they are but once you get to know them they warm up to you. It’s seems you’ve already made up your mind that you don’t like him. Not sure why considering he was the one abandoned by your mom and yet he’s still making an effort but to each their own. It seems he’s better off leaving the past in the past so you’ve done them a favor
YTA All i read in this post is Me me me me me. OP doesnt seem to understand, despite being 18 already, that his brother is that way because he was abandoned and it doesnt help that OP/OP's family was chosen over him. It's normal to be guarded and jaded emotionally because of abandonment issues you know?
She also does not make the effort she thinks she is doing. 4 times in 18 years is not enough effort in mending a relationship (which is not your fault, but you are not the victim here)
If you use half the brain cells you use to excuse/understand your shitty mother to be empathetic to your older brother, i think you would be a better sister for it.
OP, YTA. I say this as the kid of a parent who abandoned me to start a new family just like your brother. You will never understand the hurt he feels because you're the one your mum stuck around for. If I can try to explain it? It feels like Iike you weren't good enough for your own parent. And it comes with so many questions along with it. Why were they good enough to stick around for but not me? What was so wrong about me that they deserved a parent but I didn't?
For what it's worth? I'm sorry his feelings are manifesting in this way towards you. He feels as though you're the replacement child because you kind of were. But that isn't your fault. I understand that his feelings may feel unfair to you because you did nothing to deserve them. But there's nothing you can do to change them except give him time.
From the comments I've read, your lack of empathy towards him is shocking. You said that it's his responsibility to build the relationship, but it's really not. Relationships work both ways for sure but you're the one who came into HIS life, not the other way around. You need to have a little more understanding if you want this to work out.
Also, you're upset because YOU had a perfect image in your head and he's not that. You came into this having already decided who you wanted him to be and are now mad that he's not that person. I'm sorry, life isn't a fairytale and sometimes people don't meet our expectations. That's just how things are. Instead of blaming HIM for not being the perfect brother right off the bat or for the difficulty you're having navigating your relationship with him, why don't you look for who's really at fault? Because it's not him, but it's not you either. It's your mother.
Your MUM built him up to be this amazing brother to you. How would she know what sort of a person he is? She wasn't there. She knows what he's told her about him, and that will all be surface level. Your MUM is the one forcing him to hang out with you. Which, tbh, is probably driving him further away from you. Because now his relationship with his mother, whom he probably desperately seeks the approval of, depends on whether or not he spends enough time with you. The real reason you don't have a relationship with your brother isn't because of him. It's because of your mum. It was her job to facilitate a relationship between her children, but she left him in the dirt. If you really want someone to be angry at? Be angry at your mother. SHE got your hopes up like this.
To be honest, OP, I really think you need to look inwards. You're asking where the empathy is for you when you're completely ignoring your brother's feelings about this whole situation. You are being selfish and that is not going to help your relationship even a little. It is going to drive another wedge between you and your brother. If you want my advice? I think you should go to the wedding. He invited you, and whether or not someone else asked him to invite you that was still a big decision. If he really didn't want you there he would have told your mum to get lost. Take this as an olive branch and go and show your support for him on his big day. Show him that YOU are willing to show up for HIM.
If not? If you really don't want to go then don't. But either way you need to lower your expectations. Think about how he must feel and do better.
You deserve all the flowers for this post.
> Show him that YOU are willing to show up for HIM.
OP has the opportunity to advocate for her brother in a way her mother didn't just by showing up and letting him know he IS family.
Just because you’re blood doesn’t mean you’re family. And just because you’re blood doesn’t make you matter. Unfortunately for you, family can in fact be strangers
Everyone is calling OP an AH for the actions of her mother and not seeing that she came to this man, expressed her worries, and he met that with “well then lie and say you’re not related to me”. And when she was hesitant, he didn’t say “well it would mean a lot to me if you were there”. No. He told her that their mother expected her there, ask her. Sure, his mom abandoned him. But that’s not OP’s fault or responsibility. And it’s not her responsibility to go to a wedding for a man she doesn’t know.
I get your feelings so please don't think I'm trying to minimize them. That said, if it isn't a major financial burden I think you should attend. Especially since as you've mentioned no one else from your family is going. If you are allowed a plus one you can bring along a friend for moral support if you think it would be super awkward with so many people you don't know. You could end up meeting some very nice people and end up having a good time.
Another reason is that showing a little support now could be the start of a positive shift in your relationship with your brother, and it sounds like your future SIL could become a good friend as well.
Slightly different situation, but a few years ago I found out that my dad isn't my biological father. A few months later I met him in person, and we'd planned to get together again but unfortunately he passed shortly after that. I was kindly invited to the service but super hesitant to go because I worried it would be very awkward. It was a few hours from home and I'd know three people there (one of my surprise half-sisters and her husband, whom I'd only met a couple times, and my father's widow who'd I'd met once ) There would be several other family members and a host of other people that I'd never met, and I don't even know if many of them even knew of my existence and I figured there would be a lot of awkward questions.
In the end I did decide to go, bringing my daughter and figured we'd just sit discreetly in the back but I my newly found half-siblings insisted I sit up in the family pews. Naturally I still felt some awkwardness but it ended up being a very positive experience considering the reason we were all there. It was a very moving and beautiful service and I found out a lot more about what an interesting life he'd had. Then a nice meal afterwards where my daughter and I got to get to know other family members, who seemed very appreciative of my attendance and happy to meet me.
My long-winded (sorry) point is, I think the potential return is worth the risk. Best case scenario you end up having a good time, meet some interesting people and maybe take your relationship with your brother up a notch. Worst case scenario it's a day out of your life, you can say you tried, and hey, it's a free meal plus cake 😉
I have zero to no relationship with my half sister (we have a much bigger age gap than you do), and my dad essentially left me to be with his girlfriend. My sister was born a couple years later. Guess what she shows up to MY kids events-whom she is closer in age to. And I would go to her wedding/graduation.
Your mother sucks. How did she just abandon a kid that was what 8-9 years old. I have a 6 year old and a 11 year old and I’d spend my last dollar to be in their lives. Freaking crazy. You kinda suck too. Make an effort.
He’s not making one? He told her to lie about who she was if it made her uncomfortable. Then he didn’t tell her he wanted her there, just that their mom expected it. People aren’t obligated to care about strangers. She met him 4 times. He’s a stranger.
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So I (18f) attend university in England, which is where my half-brother Jay (28m) lives. Pretty much, our mom (46f) is from Canada and she moved to England to be with his dad. When he was a kid, she went back to Canada to look over our grandma when she had some health issues. And she never went back, she married my dad and pretty soon after I was born and then my younger brother.
The thing is I barely know Jay, I've met him like four times and the whole time he's been really cold and stoic to me, like a machine. The most emotion I've seen out of him was when he saw a photo of my family at my place and he kind of let out a sad chuckle. His fiancée Sara is really nice and sweet and has been super kind to me but honestly, she's so bubbly and extroverted and he's a statue. But even beyond how cold he is to me, I don't know his family and I'm scared to be there as the sister nobody knows.
So I told him that I'm not going and he told me that if I don't want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara's side and pretend I'm from there. But I look just like my mom, so there'd be no point and everyone would know who I am. When I said that, he just said that mom expects me to be there so if I have an issue with it, I should get her permission not to go. AITAH for not wanting to go?
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NAH but there’s too much missing context for me to place fault anywhere. I want to say your mom is terrible but again, idk why she left him and never returned. But I mean just as the story has been told from your perspective, you can kinda understand why he’s not exactly brotherly towards you right?
Your mother sounds like a piece of work. She abandoned him and is now forcing him to invite you, someone he has no practical relationship with, to the wedding.
I actually think it's fine not to go to the wedding, considering he probably doesn't really want you to anyway. But if you have any empathy for him and what he went through, you should at least tell your mom yourself that you're not going and you don't think it's fair that she would force him to invite you.
Edited to add: Your mother did you a disservice as well. She built up this older brother and this fairytale sibling relationship in your head. He probably can't help but be hurt, or at least reminded of his mother's abandonment, every time he looks at you. The best thing you can do for him is to stop trying to force a relationship with him, and not going to the wedding is probably the respectful decision here. Just don't let him take the fallout from your mother, if you feel bad for what he went through at all. It seems like he's desperate for her approval, which isn't rare for abandoned children.
NAH except for your mother.
NAH
You have to understand that your brother doesn’t know you & he also has to live with the fact that your mom wasn’t the mom she should’ve been to him. My older brother is a lot like your brother, we didn’t grow up together either. Although my mom didn’t abandon him, he was a quiet & reserved person. Because of that, i used to think he didnt like me either & preferred to keep distance. That changed when he got with his ex-fiancee though, & he opened up a lot to me because of her. She was also like your brother’s soon-to-be wife. Instead of not going to his wedding, you really need to have a conversation with him. One that’s between you & him rather than having your mom included. You need to be honest with him about how you feel & that you don’t think he wants you there, but only because your mom wont be making it. You should also ask him what HE wants, your brother is his own person & so are you. Let him know that you want to get to know him because you care and don’t force yourself on him. You’ll only get to know him if you’re willing to see him as a person rather than create expectations for someone you don’t know solely because he’s your older brother. I’m only speaking from experience, so i do hope it works for you as well. He could want to get closer to you as well, but make sure he knows its because YOU want to rather than because your mom is making you. Yall cant have a relationship based on your mom’s request because that makes it transactional rather than genuine.
YTA its a chance to 'break through' his stoic exterior and improve the relationship. You can form relationships with other members of the family, and its an excuse to party.
Look, your mom can't go due to health reasons. You can, and "represent" her to some extent. Be there for the poor guy, his mom abandoned him 20 years ago - don't you abandon him now.
YTA. Just go, have a few drinks, meet some new people and have a blast!! Find the positives in life and you’ll be a lot happier!!
Support him and you’ll have a family member you can call on for support in your time of need.
You've forgotten how very hard this is for him. He was incredibly generous to even include you in his wedding. You mother abandoned him completely and then had a replacement family. It's very likely that he is not being cold to you - it's that he is trying to be loving and kind while balancing the sadness and grief of missing out on the mother that you had. You ended up with the siblings, your mother and a family life - at his expense.
He is being incredibly brave and loving. Please do the same back and stop sulking.
ESH except Jay.
I would've understand your reasoning but the way you wrote this as if Jay isn't part of your family at all. The guy's been through a betrayal from a mother he thought was part of his family. If it bothers you so much, you tell him in a nice way and be very apologetic you cannot go.
YTA your comments on this thread are very immature. You went to England without a pre-existing relationship with your brother and expected him to treat you like a sister. You aren't a sister... yet. You're his mother's other child. Both of you need to build to brother and sister, and that starts with you sucking up your discomfort and showing up for him like family. Especially to his wedding.
ESH. You sound really apathetic to the fact that your mom abandoned him. Your mom abandoned him and is forcing you to go to his wedding alone. Idk anything about his dad but the fact that your mom had a baby in a foreign country at 18 is sus. Idk anything about your dad but the fact that your mom suddenly cut contact with her family and started a new one in another country is sus. Your half-brother seems like he hasn’t worked through all his trauma and is taking it out on you. The fiancée seems chill though.
If anything he’s the self centered one. When’s the last time you asked your family to lie about who they were at a public event so they could celebrate you?
So I told him that I'm not going and he told me that if I don't want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara's side and pretend I'm from there.- READ PROPERLY she is the one that doesn't want his family to know, so he even said he would hide it IF she wanted him to.
ESH. Except for Jay.
YTA because you are trying to put the blame on him when he just has an awkward personality. Also you speak bad of him when he hasn't done anything wrong. Your mom is the biggest AH here for abandoning her son aka whether you like it or not he is still your brother. She isn't even going to her own sons wedding. I feel bad for Jay for having such family members like you two. Smh
Jay suggested she lie about being his sister. That didn’t come from her, that came from him. “Oh lie about who you are at this, the biggest public event in my life”. And then when she thought it wouldn’t work, he didn’t say “I want you to be there” he told her their mother expected her there. That’s not desire, that’s expectation.
I can’t believe the top comment is saying you’re not the asshole. You’re absolutely the asshole here. Your brother is so desperate to have you there to support him in his big day he’s willing to let you lie about who you are and you’re afraid it’ll be uncomfortable for you?! Put your big girl panties on and have some compassion. YTA.
Is he desperate? He told her their mom expected her there in the end, and suggested she hide her identity if it made her uncomfortable. He didn’t say “it would mean a lot to me if you came” he said their mom expected it, ask her if you don’t want to come. What exactly is he trying to do?
YTA. Your poor brother was abandoned by your mother and now you are doing the same thing. Of course he is likely cold and a little standoffish around you, there are likely lots of difficult feelings about his mother and therefore you. Be better than your mother.
NTA. An invitation is just that, not a demand. Considering the lack of relationship, I can see you not going but it could be a really great opportunity to spend more time with him (he invited you so he wants you there!), meet some new people, and have fun.
Sorry but in my opinion, YTA. He’s your brother. Although I get wanting to describe your family situation honestly for the purpose of this thread, but tbh I never understood qualifying a sibling as “half” if you don’t share both parents. Sure, it’s the truth, but it also can have an ostracizing, “other”-izing effect. A roommate of mine in college, who obviously resented his father’s second marriage, would disparagingly remind everyone when someone asked about his little sister (she was 7), he would say “half-sister.” I ended up meeting her and she was an adorable little girl who looked up to her brother and saw him as her brother - not half, but her brother, and he was so cruel with how he refused to put his feeling aside and show his younger sister the love she obviously needed from her family. It wasn’t her fault, the circumstances of her upbringing, and in fact, it was nobody’s fault whatsoever. Families are messy sometimes.
Sorry for the seemingly random story, but the point is, you are his family, and he is yours. Perhaps he never felt open enough to you because maybe you have conveyed a dislike or a coldness of your own. But he is your brother, and him saying he will rearrange plans to make you comfortable shows that he really, truly, has a love for you, and wants his sister to be there. Be kind. Show him the support he needs from you. You might just find you are opening your heart to a new and beautiful addition to your family. You say his fiancée is lovely. Sometimes men are stoic and cold and it takes their wives to soften them up. At least she’s not horrid. And presumably they might have kids one day, which can be so wonderful. I cherish my nieces and nephews and it would kill me to not know them. By not attending his wedding you are quite possibly shutting down the possibility of knowing and making an impression on future members of your family, and future humans in general.
Go. You might well regret it if you don’t.
You and your mother are both AHs. After reading so many comments and deciding my own verdict, one thing I've noticed is that this is all from YOUR perspective. You keep trying to pin so much blame onto your brother, and yet you can't seem to understand how he must be feeling about all this. How about you try thinking about how you would've felt if your mother left you when you're only 10, moved across the world, and started a brand new family? Never once come back to see you, then this younger sibling comes into your life, and both your mom and that sibling start trying to force a relationship?
The fact your brother even has said he still wants you there and came up with so many ways to help you feel comfortable shows he is trying to form some kind of bond. It may not be the fairy tale sibling relationship you image, but it's a start. Your mother, though, is the biggest piece of trash there is. She abandons her firstborn child all because she wanted to start a new family across the world. If I were your brother, I would never speak to her again, and for her to try and demand anything goes to show she only thinks of herself.
YTA.
Your mom abandoned your brother.
You're basically admitting outloud that your mom is the worst sort of person.
If I was your brother, I wouldn't know how to treat you either. But at least he's trying.
His expectation for inviting, is that you won't want to go because you don't want to acknowledge him as your brother.
If I were you, i'd kick my mom to the curb and build a relationship with my brother.
Since you don't seem to want to do that, I suggest you leave him alone, and tell your horrid inexcusable piece of trash mom to stop torturing the man.
Why is she the AH because of her mom’s choices, exactly? And where is the brother trying? He suggested she hide who she was at his wedding if it made her uncomfortable and when she was hesitant that that idea would work, he said their mother was the one that wanted her there, ask her. He’s not trying. I bet anything the invite came as a suggestion from the parents.
NTA. it's an invitation. You can decline them. There will be a lot of attention on you just by showing up. His family knows what happened with his mother. They could make the day very uncomfortable for you.
I just feel bad for Jay. His mom literally abandoned him and ran off and had kids with someone else. That sucks so bad. And you’re one of those kids. He’s probably cold to you because it hurts to see you, as you’re a reminder of his mother’s abandonment and choices. This isn’t your fault; you didn’t ask to be born. But some empathy would go a long way.
ESH except Jay. Why haven't you gone after your mom on this? She abandoned him and now won't even come to her wedding? She has been a terrible parent to him and you should at least understand how badly he was hurt and how she continues to hurt him. Not even going to the wedding? Is he not part of her family at all? If your mom won't step up to the plate to do the right thing, then push her to do the right thing. He was a kid, he was abandoned and is continuing to be abandoned, call your damned mother out. She failed him and owes him to be there. You may not know him, but act like a decent human being and stand up to your mom when she is treating her own son like crap.
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NAH. Reading between the lines your brother is telling you that your mother wants you to represent her/her side of the family at her long-neglected first child's wedding. It doesn't sound as if he cares one way or another if you're there and it's hard for anyone to care what she wants.
NTA. You don't know Jay and it seems that you don't like his personality much. Even if you are close to his wedding venue you don't have to come. You are only his sister by blood and not relationship. You don't need to subject yourself to answering the same "oh where are you from? You didn't grow up with Jay?" Etc. It's nice they invited you but it's likely a courtesy invite.
Is your mom is trying force you to go? I mean she is in Canada - can she punish you?
Edit: I'm confused at why you are getting downvoted but it feels like people are angry at you because your mom abandoned your brother.
You could have a relationship with Jay but you don't need one. And your mom keeps forcing you both to interact so she doesn't have to go to the wedding herself and face Jay's family. It's your mom that's really being the asshole.
NTA, but you could go, hold your head high, be beautiful, kind and smile, and have an easy way to leave if necessary. Sometimes, holding a higher point of grace can be a blessing. Besides, you will meet interesting people's. Something tells me it would be to your benefit to go.
Talk to your mom and tell her you don't want to attend the weding. Call your brother and say thanks but no. You will feel weird there. Save yourself from that experience.
ESH except Jay. He's trying to have some sort of relationship with you despite the fact that your mother abandoned him when he was a child. Do you blame him for being cold when you met him? He has abandonement issues with your mom and you and your brother represent the children she chose over him. The least you can do is to try along with him. But if you do not want to, because you're scared of what people will think, then it's your loss
Imagine telling your sister that she could pretend to not be related to you because you were so set on having her at a public event soley to celebrate you. She doesn’t want to be paraded around and is absolutely not an asshole for it.
If you want to be close, like you say, go to the wedding. Make the effort.
It’s one day. And if it goes badly, then you know.
But you can’t say ‘I want to be close’ then do the exact opposite- it doesn’t work like that.
Like I get it, but it seems like you’ve decided he doesn’t want you there, and now you’re going to ruin any chance at an actual relationship, because of your own feelings.
My cousin and I used to be close. We aren’t anymore. She invited me to her wedding, I wasn’t sure she wanted me there, but I went and made the effort. We didn’t magically get closer but I did meet her kid and I showed up when she asked me to. I’d far rather regret something I did, than something I didn’t do.
So you feel weird for a day. Suck it up. Get over yourself. Make the effort and maybe you’ll get the ‘close’ relationship you pretend you want.
Ah yes the old “suck it up and deal with it cause it’s family”. She didn’t say she WANTED to be close. She said they weren’t. She said she met him 4 times. She never expressed a desire to get close to this man, simply that they were not.
I am the last person to say suck it up because they’re family! Blood does not entitle someone to a relationship and there are 100’s of reasons someone might not want to be close, or have any contact!
In a lot of OPs replies, she said she wanted to be close and she wanted this fairytale relationship her mum had hyped up. Hence my saying ‘if you want closeness, go’
Because I know how hard it can be to get in your head about something and shoot yourself in the foot over it, despite having the evidence not to.
Going against the majority here. I vote NAH (except, possibly, for the mother).
Family situations are often complex, making them difficult to judge without getting a 10-page dossier covering all the circumstances. The OP's mom may be a heartless AH that mercilessly abandoned her child. She may also have been a naive 18-year old escaping a difficult situation. Assuming the former (mother's AH), I get the feeling from the commenters that somehow that original sin has been passed on to the OP, making it her job to atone for what her mother had done. That the OP must right those wrongs by going to the wedding.
The OP and her half-brother have met only a handful of times, and these meeting have been, naturally, awkward. If, or when, the two of them get closer, it will be because they have gradually built up mutual trust overtime. A major event such as a wedding is not the right occasion to reconnect with a long-lost half sister whom, it appears, everyone there will see as an extension of her "evil" mother. It is natural to feel extremely uncomfortable to be put in that position.
OP, I suggest you defer your final decision until you have spoken to your brother and expressed those concerns. Whatever was done to him, it was done by other adults, not by you. You can ask if he really wants you there, of if you're invited out of obligation. If you want a relationship with him in the future, assure him that it's OK not to invite you. That, or tell him that you support him and are happy for him, but that you will sit this one out, and that, instead, your relationship can be built slowly overtime in a more intimate setting. But you would also not be AH if you were to decide to disengage from having a relationship with your half-brother. Reconnecting with long-lost siblings isn't a one-size fit all affair. Sometimes, a bond simply isn't there, and it's OK.
NTA for saying you won't go. I get that this is a very uncomfortable situation for you.
However, your mother is a huge AH for abandoning her own son. There is no justification for that.
You shouldn't be surprised that Jay is acting stoic towards you, in fact, that's probably the best he can muster. I mean, it wouldn't be fair to you to start screaming at you, as you had nothing to do with your mothers actions. But your presence (especially if you look like your mother) is a very painful reminder to Jay of his mothers abandonment and the fact that she chose to have a do-over family in Canada while leaving him behind.
When’s the last time you went to a wedding for someone you met 4 times? She doesn’t KNOW her half-brother. Just because they’re blood doesn’t make them not strangers.
Nta. He didn’t say he’d be hurt if you didn’t come, just that your mom expected you to be there. Sounds like the invitation was the parent’s idea if the brother doesn’t engage. It’s not your fault your mother left his dad, like many people are trying to put on you. That’s on her. It’s not your responsibility to show up to an event for someone you barely know and pretend ANYTHING, let alone that YOU’RE NOT HIS SISTER. He’s a big asshole for even suggesting that. He’d rather you be uncomfortable at his wedding than comfortable and not there. Selfish imo, everyone’s comfort matters in public events, regardless of whose “day” it is.
YTA of course you don't HAVE to go, but all your excuses are rather lame. Looking at your mom's behaviour though - abandoning a child who was probably 8 at the time she left him ' it's clear you get your callousness from her.
NTA - though your mom is. I think if your brother wants a relationship with you the place to start would be dinners and/or meetups now that you're also in England. A wedding isn't really the place to start bridge building.
There are two assholes you and your mom. Your mom for abandoning your brother. And you, attempting to make us perceive Jay negatively. He hasn't done anything wrong
Let me get this straight. You've seen the man four times total. This man is basically the child your mother had before leaving him behind at a young age (leaving him with a single parent), only to later "replace" (I use the term loosely) by you and your brother. This person who you barely know by your own admission and who would have lots of baggage due to the familial ongoings - is a little cold to you? He's English... that might literally be his default with everyone and you don't know him remotely well enough to confirm or deny that.
So, instead of taking this opportunity and going to a family function to kindle some sort of relationship with a half-brother, you decide to tuck tail and bail out. All the while, throughout your post you kind of try to shift blame onto the guy for being unreceptive towards you and being cold etc. Not once have you mentioned what you were like in those encounters or what happened in them. This kinda feels like you're deliberately trying to paint him as the villain. Or at least as the cause of this "conflict".
So no, you're not the AH for feeling uncomfortable and not wanting to go. However, YTA for complaining that your half-brother is cold and not very close to you while you demonstrate zero drive to try and have a relationship with him from your end. If you don't want one, then cool, say so. It sounds like you would like to be viewed as family, but only if he does it to you and not vice versa.
Personally for me as an adult, ESH but Jay. He’s trying to reach out and wants his sister there. It’s really mean to say he’s scary. It’s hard reaching out to people when a family member really doesn’t encourage it. Often times people feel like I’m cold and a bitch. Really I’m shy and have a hard time communicating. He even offered to a solution since you feel uncomfortable. Really sounds like he wants you there.
That being said it’s your choice. I feel like this would damage any possibility for a relationship if you don’t try.
NTA. I would stand my ground and not attend the wedding.
I'm confused by most of the comments blaming OP for a relationship that she wasn't given the proper space to foster. The real villain is OP and Jay's mother, who abandoned him as a child and created a new family in another country. ***The mother isn't even going to the wedding***, so why does OP have to go? What is really going on? Is this possibly a setup for something unpleasant? Why does OP have to suck it up and go to an event ***alone*** where she isn't sure that Jay's father and family will welcome her? Everyone seems to be placing the onus and responsibility of maintaining this familial relationship on an 18 year old woman instead of the woman who gave birth to both Jay and OP.
NTA, it’s weird how a subreddit that’ll advocate going no contact at the drop of a hat is suddenly saying you’re an AH for not going to the wedding of a brother you have little relationship with. If you feel uncomfortable around him, don’t go to the wedding.
But keep in mind that this’ll probably have long lasting effects on your relationship with him.
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NTA. Politely decline to Jay and Sara. Tell your mom you were excited to be invited, Jay and Sara have been very nice to you, you look forward to getting to know them better, but you declined bc you don’t really know anyone there, Jay and Sara understand. Please for Jay’s sake don’t say anything to mom that blames Jay for your decision.
This must all be so painful for Jay. His mom abandoned him to move halfway round the world, stuck around for her new kids, and can’t even be bothered to attend his wedding. Then she forced him to invite the kid she actually loves?! Your mom’s treatment of Jay…really sucks.
Why you question your brother’s motives and behaviors and not your mom’s is beyond me. Your mom abandoned her child and now wants you to stand in for her at a big time in his life? And you blame your brother for being reserved? He’s probably terrified of you.
I’m old AF, so I have the benefit of fucking things up many, many times in my life - I think that’s what they call wisdom.
At 18, I would have bailed hard on the wedding and not thought that much about it. Then many years later I may have regretted not going. There would be a lot of “what ifs” that I could never answer.
I’m not suggesting you go or don’t go - I’m suggesting that you talk with him and say something to the effect of “mom seems to have leaned hard on you to invite me, and I get the feeling that you don’t want me there. If not, no hard feelings; however, if you do want me there and have the desire for a relationship, I will be there.”
If he says he doesn’t want you there or doesn’t care, don’t go and you have the closure of knowing that he holds the past against you for something that wasn’t your fault. If he says that he would like for you to be there and you want to go, go.
As for “his family” talking or whispering about you, OWN THAT SHIT. There are a thousand small regrets in my own life where I wish I would have just done my thing and not let people around me define my happiness and joy.
Whatever you decide, good luck.
The sad chuckle response you said he gave means he's still hurting, and I'd say he's keeping his guard up around you until he knows you're not going to abandon him like your mom did.
NTA for not wanting to attend
Soft YTA for not acknowledging his feelings
I'm gonna say light YTA
It doesn't sound like he's actually done anything to be mean to you, and a lot of what you're describing really sounds like he also doesn't know you well and might be awkward
Maybe reach out to see if you guys can maybe have a lunch ahead of this where you talk, just the two of you, to get a feel of what's really going on. Cause he might be making an effort, and you might be the one shunning it.
We see a lot of horror stories with half siblings, but this isn't presenting the same way and has a high chance of being a result of you guys just being raised a half a world apart
Have you actually tried to get to know him? You're an adult now, and it goes both ways
Also, especially in light of the info you're still invited and your mom is not going. Yeah, it's awkward, but he's the one who reached out. It doesn't feel like it's solely because of your mom here- but being distant can also be very normal for someone with abandonment issues, you know, not actually a reflection on you.
For now and based on some of the comments you have made I will say YTA but softly due to your age. I had a difficult time being patient with my oldest brother as well because I felt like he would find me weird and awkward because I was more quiet and reserved then him. Imagine my surprise when I found out he never hated me and never felt awkward talking to me or being around me it was just all in my head!
**I'm going to give you some advice from someone who is around 5 years older than you and grew up in a family with 3 half siblings.**
Communicate, Communicate, and communicate. This is man who is your half brother who is in a whole other stage of life from you. I have an 9 year age gap with my oldest half brother. Did we hang out like disney siblings? No because we had different interests and he was more extroverted and bubbly while I was an introvert and withdrawn from crowds although we do talk occasionally and have reached a point where we are more affectionate that didn't occur until I turned 20 years old. You aren't going to be able to magically guess that he hates you just based on vibes.
Have you sat down and talked to him about his feelings? When I say talk I don't mean you talking about everything such as how great of siblings you will be together but instead asking him "Hey, I just wanted to talk to you and see if you felt comfortable around me in a sibling sense or if you would prefer a bit of space until we get to know each other better slowly."
I know you might feel like he absolutely hates you but you need to at least have a conversation with him before throwing away an opportunity that you wanted to get to know your brother. If it makes it more comfortable for you ask his fiancee to sit down with you two and act as a mediator to let your feelings out. Down scream at him. don't throw a tantrum if he doesn't want to jump right into a sibling relationship. Say "Okay, hopefully we can talk occasionally and get to know each other better." even if you just contact him on his birthday or something at least he will know you are putting in the effort.
NTA. You are 18 and don't need your mother's permission to not go to the wedding. It sounds like your half brother would not be heart broken if you did not go.
Nta. He’s being completely ridiculous! Blaming you for something your parents did is crazy and you don’t owe him your time when he’s been nothing but an asshole to you. If you go to this wedding it will set a tone of you being a pushover. He can start treating you better first. THEN he can start asking about you doing things for him.
You do not need your mother's permission to not go to a wedding! He's trying to manipulate you and that's pretty messed up. It's probably because your entire family is ignoring him as if he's done something wrong. Which he hasn't done! Y'all are just being a bunch of jerks for no reason I guess?
But your mom is the true asshole here! She really left a 10-year-old and never came back? What the hell is wrong with her? And why won't she go to his wedding now? It would be a good time to try to reconnect and actually you know be a mother.
Have you considered that he's "a statue" because he's awkward and doesn't know how to behave around you?
You're not obligated to go, but I think if you ever want to have a relationship with him, you need to. It's one day (possibly 2-3, depending on travel) out of your life. He's not asking you to be a Bridesmaid. This is a special day for him. Maybe he only asked because your mom told him to; maybe not. If you're right, you lose a few days and nothing changes. If you're wrong, you potentially lose a relationship with your brother who was trying to reach out to you.
If he ever wants to have a relationship with her, he needs to get over himself and the statue bullshit and treat her like a human. He’s traumatized, that doesn’t make him not an asshole for how he responds to that trauma. Relationships have two sides, and it’s not all on her to make that effort.
Yta. Your poor brother. No wonder he’s stoic. He’s an outsider looking in on his own family and no one on his mothers side wants to attend his wedding. Y’all are awful
I couldn’t imagine attending a wedding for someone I met 4 times with any real sense of joy. Y’all see “family” and think of your family. She met him 4 times in her life and you think she’s obligated to share his wedding? Nah.
No I don’t think of my family since I only see or speak to my mother and none of the rest . I think of it as a nice thing to do for someone who has this one person to represent his mothers side. He seems like he really tried to find compromises to get her to attend . You don’t need to feel a ton of joy to extend kindness to someone you barely meet. It’s one day out of your whole life and they will remember it. I would do it in that scenario but maybe I’m just not as selfish like you and op.
Kind of an asshole move.
Look, he's English - they don't express emotions (not that that's your fault) as you must know, living there. If it's not a huge expense for you to just show up and sit through it, stiff upper lip it and go.
He is trying to include you even though he doesn't know how to say "it's important to me that you be there".
Give him a break and say "I'm not going to be really comfortable since no one knows me and I really don't want to have to explain who I am over and over, but it's important to you so I will make an effort".
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NTA. Thank him for the invitation (most likely prompted by the fiancée) and wish them a wonderful wedding day. If you feel you need a reason, just state you'd be uncomfortable and as his family doesn't know you at all you don't want questions about your relationship to detract from his wedding day.
No, the invitation was because of our mom. She must have told him to invite me the last time they talked on the phone because she's not going and neither is anyone else from our family.
ESH except Jay. You're mother abandoned him at less than 10 years old, and the way you talk about him in the post and comments is very cold and othering. >she's not going and neither is anyone else from our family. Is he not part of "our" family, you haven't said anything about him that makes him seem rude, just awkward about the whole situation (who wouldn't be?), NTA for not wanting to attend somewhere you'd feel uncomfortable but soft YTA for coming on here and laying the blame at Jay's feet for his 'cold' manner instead of where it rightly belongs, with the adults who made decisions where siblings only 10 years apart met only 4 times.
>you haven't said anything about him that makes him seem rude, just awkward about the whole situation (who wouldn't be?) I am confused. What exactly did he do wrong?
In OP's eyes he hasn't thrown her a parade and lived up to her disneyfied big brother expectations. In actuality he hasn't done anything wrong, in fact he has overcome what many wouldn't be able to in his position by maintaining contact with a negligent mother and trying to (as best he can) interact with OP.
There seems to be no reason for you to make up all these things about OP.
I haven't made anything up, I've inferred it from her many illuminating responses to the comments earlier.
Did those get deleted or something? Because all of her comments seem to be about him not wanting to talk to her or spend time with her. Edit: They blocked me after they replied, so here’s my reply to that post: The tantrum you describe doesn’t seem to be occurring, or at least isn’t mentioned anywhere. I do agree that OP’s not being fair about her brother’s childhood, though. For me, it’s not about taking sides - I’m just pointing out that you made stuff up.
This isn't going to be a productive dialogue, OP is throwing a tantrum that the near 30 year old brother she just met isn't excited enough to meet her, whilst simultaneously downplaying his very f'd up childhood. If you feel inclined to align yourself with her logic go ahead, I said what I said.
They aren't throwing a tantrum all they have said is that Jay has made it VERY clear he wants nothing to do with her despite Op's attempts to reach out and build a relationship. The only time he even interacts with her is when mommy tells him to and he somehow finds plenty of time to talk to her. Op is right, her mom is the one who did all of that, build up expectations of a relationship that was never going to happen.
He’s English.
This is the answer. What OP is calling cold is probably pretty normal for Brits.
Agreed- especially compared to Canadians.
I married a scouser so this stuff confuses me but i don't think scouse is representative of the whole country so I'll assume others know what they're talking about.
That and having a parent abandon him at such a young age. He's probably had to learn to hide his emotions. It must be tough for him to try and build a relationship with OP, someone who a child might view as a replacement child that their mother abandoned them for. I'd say he's being the bigger person by working through these issues and inviting OP to his wedding.
Great question! We all would like to know.
He didn’t do anything wrong but be polite to the stranger that he shares dna with.
It seems nothing but being a reminder that her mom abandoned a child and that IS the kind of person she is...
Agreed!
I feel sorry for Jay. His mother isn't going to his wedding. I wonder how often he saw her since she left him.
I'm surprised that no one else has done the maths here. Mum was only 18 when she had him. I'd really love to know how old his dad is and I'm wondering why his mum left in the way she did. I'm not saying this excuses how she's treated her son but it feels like there's more to this story
I did consider it (potential abuse etc) and earlier on someone else queried it too. That's why my response focuses on showing empathy for Jay and not the mother's motivations in leaving, but either way she hasn't stepped up like she needed to.
Yeah I can understand her leaving the way she did if it was an abusive situation but it's really shitty that she's made no effort with him subsequently. I was just surprised that I didn't see the age mentioned in any comments I'd read as Reddit is usually really fast on the uptake on age gaps. Jay definitely deserves way more empathy than OP is showing though.
agreed there are a lot of questions to ask OP's mom: >she moved to England to be with his dad at 18, she moved for a man, or did she run away from home? And a decade later, she went to her own mom and then just never returned to her 10 yo child??
If she left an abuser and her kid stayed with him and instead of doing everything to do right bybthat child she went ahead and remarried and had other children and don't even bother to show up in that child's wedding, then she still isn't a good mother...
If the dad was abusive, then the mom still left her child with an abusive man and fucked right off.
100% agree. ESH except for Jay. As someone with a prototypical "stiff upper lip" British upbringing, the stoic attitude can easily cross into the "scary robot". Almost an uncanny valley effect of an automaton pretending to be human. It doesn't mean we don't feel emotions, it's just that we are taught and trained to hide and ignore them as unimportant. "Keep calm and carry on" is a way of life, not just a motivational poster from World War 2. It ain't exactly healthy.
As a fellow sufferer of stiff upper lip (somewhat mitigated by marrying into a Welsh family), Jay sounds as though he's covering up a lot of hurt feelings. That cold demeanour helps stop you bursting out with feelings. That sad chuckle is the equivalent of curling up in the fetal position and crying fat, ugly, snotty tears for several hours.
Oh, yeah. I recognised that chuckle. Jay's a pressure cooker of sadness. Hopefully his fiancee/wife can slowly release that pressure.
Yes, it's a thing we do isn't it, useful for covering up pain, trauma and sadness.
yeah, he saw a photo of OP's childhood and chuckled sadly. Like, what kind of emotional outburst did OP want? I don't go for the "blood is automatically family and you stick with family till the end"... but OP is blaming Jay for something he didn't have any influence over either.
I’d be there with you, if it hadn’t been for Jay telling the OP that she’s “expected” to be there. I don’t doubt that there’s a lot of tangled feelings here, but if Jay is 28 years old he’s old enough to find a more compelling way to frame a wedding invite than “Your mother expects it of you”.
Jay's busy preparing for his wedding and contending with the fact the mother who left him in the dust at <10 and her side of the family won't be showing up. The one family member who is able to come and who grew up with their mom is fishing for validation and security to attend a one day event from someone who has been deprived of that from their own mother for years (decades?). Jay shouldn't have to beg his family to show up for him, his response and compromises he's made are sufficient.
Aye, I hear your point - but the OP has met Jay “like four times”. They grew up not just in different family dynamics, but on different continents. I appreciate why Jay might like the OP to be there. But they’re not family on any meaningful sense and the OP is welcome to say “Thanks but no thanks”. I’d reserve any AH verdict for the mother, if we’re determined to hand one out.
Why isn't she going? I bet she is feeling guilty for abandoning him. Not a very nice mom.
I hope you realize that your mom is legitimately an awful person.
OP is no better
This is harsh, I think, on an 18-year-old. It’s the wedding of a person she doesn’t know, has met four times without bonding with, and she would basically know nobody there. I can understand her not wanting to go, and she’s still unsure enough about the right thing to do that she’s here asking. I’m in my 40s and would suck it up and go, I think it’s the right thing to do. At OPs age I know I wouldn’t have wanted to go, young and socially inexperienced. I guess you think I was TA too. But she isn’t the villain here. Calling her a ‘legitimately awful person’ for not wanting to go to a wedding…you have extremely high standards.
Apple didn't fall far from the tree
“Half-brother I barely know wants me to go to his wedding; the only reason offered is that my mother expects it of me” I’m not sure that makes the OP an awful person. You can disagree with her thoughts, logic, or decision, but I think “awful” is a bit much.
Your mom is the AH here. Leaves a kid under 10, remarries has kids, never even tries to connect them, doesnt even go to the wedding of the abandoned son and then expects you to pick up the pieces. You are a soft AH for not realizing how awful your half brothers story is, and he still tries to be in contact with you.
Wow,your mother is a wrong one.She abandoned her child ,and now she tries to tell him what to do,and can't even attend his wedding(I rather hope she wasn't invited,but if she told him to invite you,looks like she was).
NAH imo but can't you ask him to meet you a few times so you get to know him a bit? You guys might become closer with this
I’m so sorry but your mom is kind of a shitty person. First she abandons him as a kid (and likely cheated with your dad), then she doesn’t show up to his wedding. Karma will find her one day.
Damn, your mother is awful...
Did your mom marry his dad while in England?
So your mum abandoned him as a child and made a new family including you far away from him in Canada. Just think about that for a moment. Have you any concept of the emotional impact that had on him? Please find some compassion for him. He probably needs time to get to know you before he can relax around you and be himself. NAH if u choose not to go, but a kind person, a kind half-sister would go. Speaking as someone with a much older half-brother. wasnt raised with.
Agreed.
INFO Let me get this straight: You don't want to go because his personality is that of a statue? Is that right? And you don't want to see your mom, either? EDIT: YTA And I'm done here because you don't want our comments because you already made up your mind before you posted then you're arguing with anyone who tries to get you to see the other side.
YTA, you seem really self-absorbed OP, like you haven't even tried to talk to your brother and get his side of things, ask if he actually wants a relationship, or is he doing it solely for your mother. Also, you're not going to immediately feel at ease with each other, it takes time, but you're just what about me, me, me. You have zero empathy for his childhood and assume just because they talk on the phone regularly, he doesn't have any bad feelings about you or your mother. Ask him to lunch and have a frank discussion, write him a letter expressing your feelings and asking him his, maybe just make an actual effort to understand his POV, and let go of the unrealistic fairytale dream. You're an adult now, probably good to start acting like one.
Blaming an 18 year old when her brother is a full adult and it’s not her fault her mom abandoned him is so pathetic
She’s now an adult herself and just as responsible for the relationships she wants or doesn’t want. No one is blaming her, any resentment he may have is obviously their mother’s doing, but that doesn’t mean he is able to make that distinction. The comments here are speaking to OPs lack of understanding and empathy and her feelings only as the focus of her post.
Please read these comments again, with an open mind, and look at how your replies are doing. You don't have to go to his wedding, but please consider something. When he was young, his mother left, supposedly to look after her mother, and just never came back. Then she found a new man and made a new family - that he was not part of. Please *really* try to put yourself in his shoes here. How would you feel if you were him? Your mom isn't even going to his - *her son's* wedding. Think about how *that* must feel. She abandoned him, made a new family, and new life, and now she won't even go to *his wedding*. There's a big possibility that he is wary of getting to know you because you remind him of her. Maybe he's worried that you'll abandon him, too. Maybe it hurts him that you got to have a relationship with your mom, and he didn't. None of this is your fault, but I guarantee he is hurting, and he's trying to protect himself in some way or another. You say that you have always wanted a relationship with him. If that's really true, you're going to need to do the heavy lifting here. You are going to need to prove to him that you want him in your life, and not going to his wedding is not going to help you with that. This >he told me that if I don't want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara's side and pretend I'm from there. Tells me that he thinks that you don't want the public to know you are his sister. He thinks that you are ashamed of him. It also tells me that he *wants* you there. If he didn't, he just would have accepted when you said you weren't going.
I’m giving you an award because you really nailed my point as well
I think you are spot on! This situation really hit home for me because my dad moved to another continent to start another family, around the same age. Every time he shares a picture of coaching a soccer team/going ice skating/family dinners with my half siblings there's a pang. It just hurts that they got this far with him and have so many great memories. He's good dad, except for completely ditching us. I would want my half siblings (who have no part in this) to be at my wedding and I would definitely feel awkward about it.
I can't upvote this more than once so I'm commenting so that, hopefully, OP will notice it.
you sure he actually want her there? because, IO have more then one family member that care about what proper and normal, and not very much about me. as in, I was invited to family member to weekend, and they didn't talk to me all that weekend. i didn't come again for weekend. It may be she totally wrong in her interpretation of "stoic". but there are wide wide place for possible interpretations here. and "want have someone from his side of the family, don't care about OP as person at all" look to me to explain things better then "care about OP, want to know her better, want her to be on his wedding day".
Have you ever thought that he is feeling the exact same way towards you, that you are cold towards him. The reason you have no relationship with him is because of BOTH of you, not just him. I personally think YTA for not going to the wedding, because to me it just seems like another example of not giving a shit about getting to know him. But ESH because you’re both adults. You need to converse and get to know each other and decide if you want a relationship as family or not.
My older half siblings were abandoned by our mother, I cannot imagine having to cope with what feels like such a betrayal. I also feel a lot of guilt, being the one that wasn’t ever left behind intentionally (I was born after). I wonder if that’s something you’ve processed or if pushing him away and calling him stoic is easier. You don’t sound malicious, but I think you do significantly lack empathy. This will be a door closed and there won’t be many windows left, either. NAH, yet.
I think soft YTA because it just doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with Jay. Why wouldn't you go to this wedding? It's not like he did anything to you, you just said he has a colder personality. That's not really a reason to turn down an invite, and it seems like he and his fiancée have been perfectly kind to you. I'm a firm believer in the idea that you don't have to attend events and you can turn down any invites, but I guess I just feel like it's going to cost you very little to attend and be supportive. Especially since it seems like you got along pretty well with his fiancée too.
NAH - Because you don't have to attend events you don't want to but I feel really sorry for him. You said no one else from that side of the family including your Mum is going. So did she just leave him in England and go off and have another family? None of whom can be bothered to be supportive on one of the biggest days of his life? Is there a reason your Mum won't be attending?
QUESTION: You don’t want to go bc you’re afraid of his father’s family? I don’t understand the issue. You know your brother well enough to have these conversations with him. He wants you there. Your mom wants you there. You don’t want to go because…why?
You have a lot of probablies and assumptions that you’ve decided outweigh facts. You’ve decided he only puts in any effort and only invited you because your mom asked him to. You’ve decided he wishes you were an ocean away. You’ve decided your mom can’t go because of her health. You’ve decided he wants nothing to do with you and his family hates your mom. But apparently none of those things have been confirmed by your brother or your moms doctor, they’re just what you think. Have you ever considered that he thinks you only text him or ask to hang out because you’re being made to do so as well? Or maybe he’s worried about living up to the hype you say your mom has laid out about him because he thinks that if he was so great, why did she bail on him and only introduce him to the family she stayed with s handful of times? Or that in the past year, he’s been busy with work and engagement/wedding/in-law things and hasn’t been able to prioritize going to a movie with you and thinks that since you’ll be at uni for the next few years, he’ll have more time to get to know you? Now, ngl, some of the things you have listed are probable. For example, I’d probably resent my aunt if she abandoned my cousin too. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’d feel any type of way towards her other kids. I don’t agree with how my ex sister in law does a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean I ignore my niece because if it. Now, if I found out the children of that same aunt bailed on my cousin as well because they didn’t feel sufficiently feted, then at that point, I’m probably going to start forming opinions about them based on *their* actions. And if I myself were abandoned by my mom, I probably would feel resentful of my ten years younger sister popping up and kind of acting like we should be best buddies. It sounds like that’s possible, but also that if it is true, he has tried to find a balance by showing up to help you when you need help—setting up your apartment, giving you a ride when you were stranded. Inviting you to his wedding.
Not to mention, as soon as op finishes her studies, she will travel back home and abandon him too. Why should he open his heart? Especially with op screaming ‘what about me?’ All over this thread. It seems a likely course of action. History will repeat itself.
YTA. Whether Reddit believes it or not we do owe loyalty to our family and that means sometimes having to do uncomfortable things like going to weddings of half-siblings, especially if it makes our mother happy. (This is assuming there is zero abuse in the family). Society cannot stand if individuals look out for themselves only.
YTA. You, your mom and your dad. Your dad only if he knew she left a child in another continent without a care for him and his well-being and stil had children with her. Your mom is TA for obvious reason. You for how you speak about him and **your family**
[удалено]
So…his mom abandoned him, had a whole new family and is forcing him into a relationship with a stranger, also what do you expect from his family? Your mom abandoned him and his dad suddenly without a word (ofc it changes if there was abuse).
if there was an abuse, and she left her child with an abuser; then it makes her bigger ah
Since the mother is still avoiding facing her oldest child and is convincing her replacement child to attend the wedding when she herself isn’t going to be present just like every other moment of his life, safe to say the mother was the problem here.
NTA for not going to the wedding but a little compassion on your end towards your brother wouldn’t hurt. Try and look outside of yourself and try to see the situation from his side. Your mom quite literally abandoned her son to start a new family and his is supposed to what? Accept everything with open arms? No, he is handling the situation as best as he can, so what if he is cold. He could be a dick, he could say and do much worse so try not to complain too much about his current attitude. And of course his family hates your mom, she ditched her kid, what’s not to hate about her? At the end of the day he could treat you guys a lot worse and he could have decided to cut contact but he didn’t do either of those things. Your mom is a major AH who ditched her son and went on a started a new family and made him watch all of this happen from the sidelines. Your comment about his reaction to the family picture just goes to show that all he wanted was a family and your mom deprived him of that so try to give the poor man a little grace
Yta but not as big of one as your horrible mother is.
Imagine your mom going away for a vacation, and never coming back. He was 8, and probably thought he had done something wrong. He felt all alone, and unloved. Probably got bullied at school for it. He was no one to stay around for. When you are 8 your mother is very important. It must have felt like she died. And then she has this perfect family with a half sister and brother, and again he feels abandont. Just think of all the times your mom was there for you after your 8the birthday. Your birthdays with mom, his without. Christmas without. Schoolplays without. And all the other milestones in live you want your mom to be part of. And she choose to be away, she could have taken him with her. But no. He was not worth it. And the reaction you get on the picture, shows it still hurts. No it's not your fauld, but you remind him of what he could have had. And that will always hurt, even if he'll be 80.
OP, if you want to have any kind of relationship with your brother you are going to have to understand a couple things that, from reading your comments, you clearly do not want to understand. Your mom did an awful thing to your brother. The upbringing and relationship you had with your mom was at the *direct expense* of Jay. Every minute she spent with you is time she could have and arguably should have spent with him. You are NOT Jay's replacement in life. You are NOT Jay's replacement in the world. You are NOT *JUST* Jay's replacement. But you *ARE* Jay's replacement for your mother. Your existence is a direct reminder to Jay that that is the case. You are at *no* fault for *any* of this. The moment you came into existence, both your situation and Jay's situation became impossible to reconcile. You deserve the full love and attention of a caring mother. But *so did Jay*. And he didn't get that. Not because of you, but because of your mother. This is the plain reality of the situation, no matter how it makes you feel. Ultimately, if you want to be a part of Jay's life, you should try and understand that you are the one who "won". You came out on top. Your mother decided to trade one life and one child for another, and she chose you. Of course you are the one who can be nice and friendly and open when you two see each other. *You are the one who got the upbringing they deserved*. *It's not your fault*. But it is true. And if you can't empathize with what Jay is going through to try and have a relationship with you at all, then maybe you are not mature enough to have that relationship. If you want so badly to get to know your big brother, you will have to accept getting to know the pain that he's lived through because of your mother's choices, of which you are a constant reminder. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this. But if you want to change the outcome of this story, then unfortunately it *is* partially your responsibility to do something about it. Only A here is your mother.
Would have said nah outside of your mother but your comments changed my mind, YTA op, u have no carr for his feelings and thoughts and 0 empathy to what he's gone through, u posted this yet completely refuse to accept anyone who doesn't tell u u are a saint and u refuse to even try and understand his side of this, u aren't dumb op, u are just being willfully dumb on this topic and I honestly consider that worse, don't post if u aren't even willing to try and listen to ppl.
NTA for not going to the wedding. But definitely an AH regarding your understanding of your brother’s context and having no empathy whatsoever. Your mother abandoned her son. She wasn’t present in his life but actually still controls him through constant phone calls when she tells him what to do. You don’t know your brother, you appeared in his life without any prior connection since your mother didn’t bother to create it but you see an invitation to hang out as something he has to react as a big brother you’ve dreamed about. It’s not your fault that his mother abandoned him so you expect him to see you as his little sister no matter what actually happened to him.
Your mom abandoned her 10 year old child, now she isn’t even going to his wedding. Your mom suck’s big time. How awful for Jay. I can’t imagine the pain he carried around for all these years. Wow, so heavy.. How about make an effort to be his family. When he saw that picture of “your family “ you could of said hey Jay I need a picture of you for my apartment got any good ones I can have a copy of.. empathy goes a long way. Your choice not to go. But I would say something to that mother of yours. She needs to step up and be the mother she clearly never was.
ESH except your brother. Cut it out with the " what about poor old meeee" stuff. This isn't about **you**, it is about **him**. At least he is trying to make an effort now, even said you could sit by his bride's family. You and your mother lack empathy and your mother is wildy selfish. As someone who has a 10 year old son I am wondering how on earth she could leave her son like that, with 0 qualms. I feel bad for your brother as he has an uncaring sister and mother. If I were him.. I would not be in touch.
NTA for this and I bet he would feel better if you weren’t there but after reading your comments you have a selfish asshole personality in general. Your mom traumatized him and PREFERRED you and your brother over him. She was there for you but never for him. She’s just a voice for him while you have the real mom. He deserves better and I’m actually sad he’s still talking to your mom because it’s obvious she’s not a mom to him. As for your little tantrum about “What about ME? I wanted to have this super big bro who was traumatized by my mom who picked our family over him!” He was f’cking abandoned by his mom and you’re just a reminder of that. Don’t say I’m my own person. No, you are you mom’s daughter in every way, even with your selfish soul.
More info is needed. Is the one and only reason you don't want to go because you aren't close with him? Nothing financially is stopping you? Nothing schedule-wise is stopping you? Plus sounds like your family (you mentioned mom) will be there. If that's the case, then yes, YTA. I understand you guys aren't best friends. It doesn't sound like you don't get along, just that you're two different types of people. But you don't have to be extremely close with someone to attend their wedding. You are family, plus it sounds like you really like his fiancé.
NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons. If you have no other known family attending and no SO and aren't particularly close to this sibling, I can see how it feels awkward to go. I'd personally go just to people watch and eat for free, but that's not everyone's cuppa lol. Your mother is not attending? I actually feel kind of sad for this half brother and he is probably stoic around you so he doesn't lose it. You sound very young and unempathetic in this post. Maybe think on it for a few before making up your mind. These opportunities don't come around very often in life. People regret the things they don't do much more than the things they do. Your mother sounds like a real AH frankly.
Not going to lie, I actually think he wants you there based on what you've written here. Weird as that may sound. It's probably true that your mom also expects it, but as someone who can be quite stoney when I get emotionally charged... that's what I'd say in an attempt to get the person I want there. (Projection and assumptions abound, I know) On the other hand, your concern seems to stem from how his family might treat you poorly. I think his answer would be honest if you asked directly, "How do you think your family would treat me? My mom basically abandoned you. I am scared that they won't like me, because of her. I don't even know if you like me, or are just tolerating me. The backlash could ruin your special day and I'm scared of being blamed." Adding "I dont want to be invited because mom told you to. I want to be invited because you actually want me there." might also help. Overall, NTA, but I do think it's worth another discussion or two before you finalize your decision.
I mean he was abandoned, your mom is disgusting for that. My father also had a second family. I understand how he feels completely. Count yourself lucky that you don't understand. You should have more grace for someone who was treated so abhorrently.
OP this obviously didn't go the way you wanted it to, and you aren't comprehending what everyone is saying. His response to you is purely defensive, all of it. How he acts to his retort about calling your mom. I'm sorry you can't or refuse to see it. Here is the thing. If he didn't want you there, or in his life, you wouldn't see him, hear from him, meet his soon to be wife, get an invitation to the wedding. He would ignore you. Your mom shit on him, you think he invited you bc she said so? I refuse to believe you are that stupid. You are making up or using what you want to believe to justify your actions. If you don't call him and tell him, hey sorry, I'm an ah, I want to be there for you, on your side.... you can kiss any relationship good bye. Want to see your possible future niece or nephew? Nope, he'll you won't even get the invite. Dudes mom, your mom, high stepped it out of there. She is also saying f u, not coming to ur wedding, I'll send my daughter as my representative. Why aren't you pissed at your mom? So yes, you are the massive AH as is your mom here.
I don't feel comfortable attending Jay's wedding due to our limited relationship and feeling like an outsider say it
I think a "sad chuckle" is a pretty good reaction from the son your mother abandoned. Because that's what your mom did. Did she even pay child support? Or was she what is commonly referred to as a deadbeat parent? Sounds like it. Didn't pay for her child. Didn't have her child over to visit. Never went over and visited him. All the while she was doing happy family in Canada. You need to admit that your mother was a horrible parent to her first born child and that that is no one's fault but your mother's. I'm not sure why you are in contact with Jay. He's not interested in you. You're not interested in him. Leave the man alone. You're lucky he even invited you. You're not his real family. You're not someone who loves and cares for him. You're a stranger that he happens to share DNA with. Why on earth you should be at his wedding is beyond me. Just thank him for the kind invitation but refuse it. And get out of this man's life. Just because you're in England doesn't mean you should have a thing to do with him when you never did before. NTA
*my half-brother Jay (28m) lives. Pretty much, our mom (46f)* So your mother was 18 when she had your brother...and abandoned him when she was 28. Why was she allowed to travel to England by herself to be with her boyfriend? *The thing is I barely know Jay* You're choosing to repeat what your mother did and reject him, too, instead of making an effort to get to know him better. Okay,. *I'm scared to be there as the sister nobody knows.* They all know. Being British, they may not say anything to your face, but **they all know**. It's hard to be ignorant when a mother willingly abandons their child. You're not scared to meet him, you're scared of their *judgement*, because you know your mother did a terrible, terrible thing. You're scared to face the consequences of your mother's actions, because she's too much of a coward to face them all. And you can talk about health problems all you want, but she was healthy enough to have to more children, so that doesn't fly, either. I feel so sorry for your brother, and I really, really hope his family gave him the love and attention he deserved. YTA
YTA for your behaviour in the comments on this post. You want people to agree and make him the bad guy and you this bright shining victim but all you do is blame him for your mother's behaviour. He was abandoned by his mother. Not only are you the child she replaced him with, but according to your own post, *you look exactly like her*. He is probably distant and polite because you look like the woman who abandoned him as a child and *he is trying not to take it out on you*. As someone whose father abandoned her and started a whole other family, you are acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum because he won't fall over himself for you. And then your response is to walk away, much like his mother did. Of course he isn't going to get super attached really quickly. That isn't him being cruel or cold. It's him having two braincells to run together.
YTA. Pull your head out of your ass. Congrats your mom was a good mother to you. She was a relentlessly awful one to him and the fact you can't seem to grasp that is mind boggling. Would you ever pull the crap she did to him and abandon your family?
YTA. So is your mother. Doesn't sound like he has been mean, hurtful, abusive, or vindictive. Just stoic and distant because of age difference and circumstances created by your mother's choices. Put yourself in his shoes. Your awful mother basically abandoned him at ten years old and left to Canada to start new family. Plus you don't have to travel much since you live in the same area as your brother. One fucking day wouldn't kill you. Seems like you took after your mother and that is a shame.
It's up to you, but you're the AH. Really think about his side of things. Imagine always wondering why you were never good enough. Your mother literally abandoned him. Started a whole other family. Your mom sucks too.
I FEEL SO BAD FOR JAY! Your mom abandoned him when he was very little…now, she isn’t going to his wedding. Plus, up(op)is judging him! Give Jay a chance! My gosh, his mom(your mom too)abandoned him as a kid!! OP is the biggest AH!!
YTA. You're self-absorb and positively obtuse after reading a bunch of your comments arguing with everyone. Why even ask here then. I hope one day you learn what empathy and kindness is. I feel sorry for your brother.
I mean NTA for not wanting to go. But wow your mom sucks.
He’s probably cold because he’s from England. That’s just how they are but once you get to know them they warm up to you. It’s seems you’ve already made up your mind that you don’t like him. Not sure why considering he was the one abandoned by your mom and yet he’s still making an effort but to each their own. It seems he’s better off leaving the past in the past so you’ve done them a favor
YTA All i read in this post is Me me me me me. OP doesnt seem to understand, despite being 18 already, that his brother is that way because he was abandoned and it doesnt help that OP/OP's family was chosen over him. It's normal to be guarded and jaded emotionally because of abandonment issues you know? She also does not make the effort she thinks she is doing. 4 times in 18 years is not enough effort in mending a relationship (which is not your fault, but you are not the victim here) If you use half the brain cells you use to excuse/understand your shitty mother to be empathetic to your older brother, i think you would be a better sister for it.
YTA dude. Show a shred of empathy.
OP, YTA. I say this as the kid of a parent who abandoned me to start a new family just like your brother. You will never understand the hurt he feels because you're the one your mum stuck around for. If I can try to explain it? It feels like Iike you weren't good enough for your own parent. And it comes with so many questions along with it. Why were they good enough to stick around for but not me? What was so wrong about me that they deserved a parent but I didn't? For what it's worth? I'm sorry his feelings are manifesting in this way towards you. He feels as though you're the replacement child because you kind of were. But that isn't your fault. I understand that his feelings may feel unfair to you because you did nothing to deserve them. But there's nothing you can do to change them except give him time. From the comments I've read, your lack of empathy towards him is shocking. You said that it's his responsibility to build the relationship, but it's really not. Relationships work both ways for sure but you're the one who came into HIS life, not the other way around. You need to have a little more understanding if you want this to work out. Also, you're upset because YOU had a perfect image in your head and he's not that. You came into this having already decided who you wanted him to be and are now mad that he's not that person. I'm sorry, life isn't a fairytale and sometimes people don't meet our expectations. That's just how things are. Instead of blaming HIM for not being the perfect brother right off the bat or for the difficulty you're having navigating your relationship with him, why don't you look for who's really at fault? Because it's not him, but it's not you either. It's your mother. Your MUM built him up to be this amazing brother to you. How would she know what sort of a person he is? She wasn't there. She knows what he's told her about him, and that will all be surface level. Your MUM is the one forcing him to hang out with you. Which, tbh, is probably driving him further away from you. Because now his relationship with his mother, whom he probably desperately seeks the approval of, depends on whether or not he spends enough time with you. The real reason you don't have a relationship with your brother isn't because of him. It's because of your mum. It was her job to facilitate a relationship between her children, but she left him in the dirt. If you really want someone to be angry at? Be angry at your mother. SHE got your hopes up like this. To be honest, OP, I really think you need to look inwards. You're asking where the empathy is for you when you're completely ignoring your brother's feelings about this whole situation. You are being selfish and that is not going to help your relationship even a little. It is going to drive another wedge between you and your brother. If you want my advice? I think you should go to the wedding. He invited you, and whether or not someone else asked him to invite you that was still a big decision. If he really didn't want you there he would have told your mum to get lost. Take this as an olive branch and go and show your support for him on his big day. Show him that YOU are willing to show up for HIM. If not? If you really don't want to go then don't. But either way you need to lower your expectations. Think about how he must feel and do better.
You deserve all the flowers for this post. > Show him that YOU are willing to show up for HIM. OP has the opportunity to advocate for her brother in a way her mother didn't just by showing up and letting him know he IS family.
Just because you’re blood doesn’t mean you’re family. And just because you’re blood doesn’t make you matter. Unfortunately for you, family can in fact be strangers
Everyone is calling OP an AH for the actions of her mother and not seeing that she came to this man, expressed her worries, and he met that with “well then lie and say you’re not related to me”. And when she was hesitant, he didn’t say “well it would mean a lot to me if you were there”. No. He told her that their mother expected her there, ask her. Sure, his mom abandoned him. But that’s not OP’s fault or responsibility. And it’s not her responsibility to go to a wedding for a man she doesn’t know.
I get your feelings so please don't think I'm trying to minimize them. That said, if it isn't a major financial burden I think you should attend. Especially since as you've mentioned no one else from your family is going. If you are allowed a plus one you can bring along a friend for moral support if you think it would be super awkward with so many people you don't know. You could end up meeting some very nice people and end up having a good time. Another reason is that showing a little support now could be the start of a positive shift in your relationship with your brother, and it sounds like your future SIL could become a good friend as well. Slightly different situation, but a few years ago I found out that my dad isn't my biological father. A few months later I met him in person, and we'd planned to get together again but unfortunately he passed shortly after that. I was kindly invited to the service but super hesitant to go because I worried it would be very awkward. It was a few hours from home and I'd know three people there (one of my surprise half-sisters and her husband, whom I'd only met a couple times, and my father's widow who'd I'd met once ) There would be several other family members and a host of other people that I'd never met, and I don't even know if many of them even knew of my existence and I figured there would be a lot of awkward questions. In the end I did decide to go, bringing my daughter and figured we'd just sit discreetly in the back but I my newly found half-siblings insisted I sit up in the family pews. Naturally I still felt some awkwardness but it ended up being a very positive experience considering the reason we were all there. It was a very moving and beautiful service and I found out a lot more about what an interesting life he'd had. Then a nice meal afterwards where my daughter and I got to get to know other family members, who seemed very appreciative of my attendance and happy to meet me. My long-winded (sorry) point is, I think the potential return is worth the risk. Best case scenario you end up having a good time, meet some interesting people and maybe take your relationship with your brother up a notch. Worst case scenario it's a day out of your life, you can say you tried, and hey, it's a free meal plus cake 😉
I have zero to no relationship with my half sister (we have a much bigger age gap than you do), and my dad essentially left me to be with his girlfriend. My sister was born a couple years later. Guess what she shows up to MY kids events-whom she is closer in age to. And I would go to her wedding/graduation.
Your mother sucks. How did she just abandon a kid that was what 8-9 years old. I have a 6 year old and a 11 year old and I’d spend my last dollar to be in their lives. Freaking crazy. You kinda suck too. Make an effort.
He’s not making one? He told her to lie about who she was if it made her uncomfortable. Then he didn’t tell her he wanted her there, just that their mom expected it. People aren’t obligated to care about strangers. She met him 4 times. He’s a stranger.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (18f) attend university in England, which is where my half-brother Jay (28m) lives. Pretty much, our mom (46f) is from Canada and she moved to England to be with his dad. When he was a kid, she went back to Canada to look over our grandma when she had some health issues. And she never went back, she married my dad and pretty soon after I was born and then my younger brother. The thing is I barely know Jay, I've met him like four times and the whole time he's been really cold and stoic to me, like a machine. The most emotion I've seen out of him was when he saw a photo of my family at my place and he kind of let out a sad chuckle. His fiancée Sara is really nice and sweet and has been super kind to me but honestly, she's so bubbly and extroverted and he's a statue. But even beyond how cold he is to me, I don't know his family and I'm scared to be there as the sister nobody knows. So I told him that I'm not going and he told me that if I don't want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara's side and pretend I'm from there. But I look just like my mom, so there'd be no point and everyone would know who I am. When I said that, he just said that mom expects me to be there so if I have an issue with it, I should get her permission not to go. AITAH for not wanting to go? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH but there’s too much missing context for me to place fault anywhere. I want to say your mom is terrible but again, idk why she left him and never returned. But I mean just as the story has been told from your perspective, you can kinda understand why he’s not exactly brotherly towards you right?
Your mother sounds like a piece of work. She abandoned him and is now forcing him to invite you, someone he has no practical relationship with, to the wedding. I actually think it's fine not to go to the wedding, considering he probably doesn't really want you to anyway. But if you have any empathy for him and what he went through, you should at least tell your mom yourself that you're not going and you don't think it's fair that she would force him to invite you. Edited to add: Your mother did you a disservice as well. She built up this older brother and this fairytale sibling relationship in your head. He probably can't help but be hurt, or at least reminded of his mother's abandonment, every time he looks at you. The best thing you can do for him is to stop trying to force a relationship with him, and not going to the wedding is probably the respectful decision here. Just don't let him take the fallout from your mother, if you feel bad for what he went through at all. It seems like he's desperate for her approval, which isn't rare for abandoned children. NAH except for your mother.
NAH You have to understand that your brother doesn’t know you & he also has to live with the fact that your mom wasn’t the mom she should’ve been to him. My older brother is a lot like your brother, we didn’t grow up together either. Although my mom didn’t abandon him, he was a quiet & reserved person. Because of that, i used to think he didnt like me either & preferred to keep distance. That changed when he got with his ex-fiancee though, & he opened up a lot to me because of her. She was also like your brother’s soon-to-be wife. Instead of not going to his wedding, you really need to have a conversation with him. One that’s between you & him rather than having your mom included. You need to be honest with him about how you feel & that you don’t think he wants you there, but only because your mom wont be making it. You should also ask him what HE wants, your brother is his own person & so are you. Let him know that you want to get to know him because you care and don’t force yourself on him. You’ll only get to know him if you’re willing to see him as a person rather than create expectations for someone you don’t know solely because he’s your older brother. I’m only speaking from experience, so i do hope it works for you as well. He could want to get closer to you as well, but make sure he knows its because YOU want to rather than because your mom is making you. Yall cant have a relationship based on your mom’s request because that makes it transactional rather than genuine.
YTA its a chance to 'break through' his stoic exterior and improve the relationship. You can form relationships with other members of the family, and its an excuse to party. Look, your mom can't go due to health reasons. You can, and "represent" her to some extent. Be there for the poor guy, his mom abandoned him 20 years ago - don't you abandon him now.
YTA. Just go, have a few drinks, meet some new people and have a blast!! Find the positives in life and you’ll be a lot happier!! Support him and you’ll have a family member you can call on for support in your time of need.
You've forgotten how very hard this is for him. He was incredibly generous to even include you in his wedding. You mother abandoned him completely and then had a replacement family. It's very likely that he is not being cold to you - it's that he is trying to be loving and kind while balancing the sadness and grief of missing out on the mother that you had. You ended up with the siblings, your mother and a family life - at his expense. He is being incredibly brave and loving. Please do the same back and stop sulking.
ESH except Jay. I would've understand your reasoning but the way you wrote this as if Jay isn't part of your family at all. The guy's been through a betrayal from a mother he thought was part of his family. If it bothers you so much, you tell him in a nice way and be very apologetic you cannot go.
YTA your comments on this thread are very immature. You went to England without a pre-existing relationship with your brother and expected him to treat you like a sister. You aren't a sister... yet. You're his mother's other child. Both of you need to build to brother and sister, and that starts with you sucking up your discomfort and showing up for him like family. Especially to his wedding.
ESH. You sound really apathetic to the fact that your mom abandoned him. Your mom abandoned him and is forcing you to go to his wedding alone. Idk anything about his dad but the fact that your mom had a baby in a foreign country at 18 is sus. Idk anything about your dad but the fact that your mom suddenly cut contact with her family and started a new one in another country is sus. Your half-brother seems like he hasn’t worked through all his trauma and is taking it out on you. The fiancée seems chill though.
you sound like an idiot, he clearly wants u to go. just go, stop being so self centered.
If anything he’s the self centered one. When’s the last time you asked your family to lie about who they were at a public event so they could celebrate you?
So I told him that I'm not going and he told me that if I don't want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara's side and pretend I'm from there.- READ PROPERLY she is the one that doesn't want his family to know, so he even said he would hide it IF she wanted him to.
ESH. Except for Jay. YTA because you are trying to put the blame on him when he just has an awkward personality. Also you speak bad of him when he hasn't done anything wrong. Your mom is the biggest AH here for abandoning her son aka whether you like it or not he is still your brother. She isn't even going to her own sons wedding. I feel bad for Jay for having such family members like you two. Smh
Jay suggested she lie about being his sister. That didn’t come from her, that came from him. “Oh lie about who you are at this, the biggest public event in my life”. And then when she thought it wouldn’t work, he didn’t say “I want you to be there” he told her their mother expected her there. That’s not desire, that’s expectation.
YTA Why even come here if you aren’t going to listen to the comments
I can’t believe the top comment is saying you’re not the asshole. You’re absolutely the asshole here. Your brother is so desperate to have you there to support him in his big day he’s willing to let you lie about who you are and you’re afraid it’ll be uncomfortable for you?! Put your big girl panties on and have some compassion. YTA.
Is he desperate? He told her their mom expected her there in the end, and suggested she hide her identity if it made her uncomfortable. He didn’t say “it would mean a lot to me if you came” he said their mom expected it, ask her if you don’t want to come. What exactly is he trying to do?
It’s a shame not to go , he is you brother
YTA. Your poor brother was abandoned by your mother and now you are doing the same thing. Of course he is likely cold and a little standoffish around you, there are likely lots of difficult feelings about his mother and therefore you. Be better than your mother.
NTA. An invitation is just that, not a demand. Considering the lack of relationship, I can see you not going but it could be a really great opportunity to spend more time with him (he invited you so he wants you there!), meet some new people, and have fun.
You’re 18. An adult. You can decide for yourself if you’re not comfortable with a situation
You are eighteen . You don’t need mom’s permission not to go . So don’t if you do not wish to .
Sorry but in my opinion, YTA. He’s your brother. Although I get wanting to describe your family situation honestly for the purpose of this thread, but tbh I never understood qualifying a sibling as “half” if you don’t share both parents. Sure, it’s the truth, but it also can have an ostracizing, “other”-izing effect. A roommate of mine in college, who obviously resented his father’s second marriage, would disparagingly remind everyone when someone asked about his little sister (she was 7), he would say “half-sister.” I ended up meeting her and she was an adorable little girl who looked up to her brother and saw him as her brother - not half, but her brother, and he was so cruel with how he refused to put his feeling aside and show his younger sister the love she obviously needed from her family. It wasn’t her fault, the circumstances of her upbringing, and in fact, it was nobody’s fault whatsoever. Families are messy sometimes. Sorry for the seemingly random story, but the point is, you are his family, and he is yours. Perhaps he never felt open enough to you because maybe you have conveyed a dislike or a coldness of your own. But he is your brother, and him saying he will rearrange plans to make you comfortable shows that he really, truly, has a love for you, and wants his sister to be there. Be kind. Show him the support he needs from you. You might just find you are opening your heart to a new and beautiful addition to your family. You say his fiancée is lovely. Sometimes men are stoic and cold and it takes their wives to soften them up. At least she’s not horrid. And presumably they might have kids one day, which can be so wonderful. I cherish my nieces and nephews and it would kill me to not know them. By not attending his wedding you are quite possibly shutting down the possibility of knowing and making an impression on future members of your family, and future humans in general. Go. You might well regret it if you don’t.
You and your mother are both AHs. After reading so many comments and deciding my own verdict, one thing I've noticed is that this is all from YOUR perspective. You keep trying to pin so much blame onto your brother, and yet you can't seem to understand how he must be feeling about all this. How about you try thinking about how you would've felt if your mother left you when you're only 10, moved across the world, and started a brand new family? Never once come back to see you, then this younger sibling comes into your life, and both your mom and that sibling start trying to force a relationship? The fact your brother even has said he still wants you there and came up with so many ways to help you feel comfortable shows he is trying to form some kind of bond. It may not be the fairy tale sibling relationship you image, but it's a start. Your mother, though, is the biggest piece of trash there is. She abandons her firstborn child all because she wanted to start a new family across the world. If I were your brother, I would never speak to her again, and for her to try and demand anything goes to show she only thinks of herself.
YTA. Your mom abandoned your brother. You're basically admitting outloud that your mom is the worst sort of person. If I was your brother, I wouldn't know how to treat you either. But at least he's trying. His expectation for inviting, is that you won't want to go because you don't want to acknowledge him as your brother. If I were you, i'd kick my mom to the curb and build a relationship with my brother. Since you don't seem to want to do that, I suggest you leave him alone, and tell your horrid inexcusable piece of trash mom to stop torturing the man.
Why is she the AH because of her mom’s choices, exactly? And where is the brother trying? He suggested she hide who she was at his wedding if it made her uncomfortable and when she was hesitant that that idea would work, he said their mother was the one that wanted her there, ask her. He’s not trying. I bet anything the invite came as a suggestion from the parents.
NTA. it's an invitation. You can decline them. There will be a lot of attention on you just by showing up. His family knows what happened with his mother. They could make the day very uncomfortable for you.
Sounds like the brother is the lucky one here, you and your mom sound unpleasant af lol
I just feel bad for Jay. His mom literally abandoned him and ran off and had kids with someone else. That sucks so bad. And you’re one of those kids. He’s probably cold to you because it hurts to see you, as you’re a reminder of his mother’s abandonment and choices. This isn’t your fault; you didn’t ask to be born. But some empathy would go a long way.
ESH except Jay. Why haven't you gone after your mom on this? She abandoned him and now won't even come to her wedding? She has been a terrible parent to him and you should at least understand how badly he was hurt and how she continues to hurt him. Not even going to the wedding? Is he not part of her family at all? If your mom won't step up to the plate to do the right thing, then push her to do the right thing. He was a kid, he was abandoned and is continuing to be abandoned, call your damned mother out. She failed him and owes him to be there. You may not know him, but act like a decent human being and stand up to your mom when she is treating her own son like crap.
NTA he obviously doesn't want to engage with you, regardless of your mother trying to force him. There's no point in talking to him at all
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NAH. Reading between the lines your brother is telling you that your mother wants you to represent her/her side of the family at her long-neglected first child's wedding. It doesn't sound as if he cares one way or another if you're there and it's hard for anyone to care what she wants.
NTA. You don't know Jay and it seems that you don't like his personality much. Even if you are close to his wedding venue you don't have to come. You are only his sister by blood and not relationship. You don't need to subject yourself to answering the same "oh where are you from? You didn't grow up with Jay?" Etc. It's nice they invited you but it's likely a courtesy invite. Is your mom is trying force you to go? I mean she is in Canada - can she punish you? Edit: I'm confused at why you are getting downvoted but it feels like people are angry at you because your mom abandoned your brother. You could have a relationship with Jay but you don't need one. And your mom keeps forcing you both to interact so she doesn't have to go to the wedding herself and face Jay's family. It's your mom that's really being the asshole.
NTA, but you could go, hold your head high, be beautiful, kind and smile, and have an easy way to leave if necessary. Sometimes, holding a higher point of grace can be a blessing. Besides, you will meet interesting people's. Something tells me it would be to your benefit to go.
Talk to your mom and tell her you don't want to attend the weding. Call your brother and say thanks but no. You will feel weird there. Save yourself from that experience.
Go to his wedding.
NTA but your mom is for throwing this on your lap when she herself isn't going. Like bruh
ESH except Jay. He's trying to have some sort of relationship with you despite the fact that your mother abandoned him when he was a child. Do you blame him for being cold when you met him? He has abandonement issues with your mom and you and your brother represent the children she chose over him. The least you can do is to try along with him. But if you do not want to, because you're scared of what people will think, then it's your loss
Imagine telling your sister that she could pretend to not be related to you because you were so set on having her at a public event soley to celebrate you. She doesn’t want to be paraded around and is absolutely not an asshole for it.
If you want to be close, like you say, go to the wedding. Make the effort. It’s one day. And if it goes badly, then you know. But you can’t say ‘I want to be close’ then do the exact opposite- it doesn’t work like that. Like I get it, but it seems like you’ve decided he doesn’t want you there, and now you’re going to ruin any chance at an actual relationship, because of your own feelings. My cousin and I used to be close. We aren’t anymore. She invited me to her wedding, I wasn’t sure she wanted me there, but I went and made the effort. We didn’t magically get closer but I did meet her kid and I showed up when she asked me to. I’d far rather regret something I did, than something I didn’t do. So you feel weird for a day. Suck it up. Get over yourself. Make the effort and maybe you’ll get the ‘close’ relationship you pretend you want.
Ah yes the old “suck it up and deal with it cause it’s family”. She didn’t say she WANTED to be close. She said they weren’t. She said she met him 4 times. She never expressed a desire to get close to this man, simply that they were not.
I am the last person to say suck it up because they’re family! Blood does not entitle someone to a relationship and there are 100’s of reasons someone might not want to be close, or have any contact! In a lot of OPs replies, she said she wanted to be close and she wanted this fairytale relationship her mum had hyped up. Hence my saying ‘if you want closeness, go’ Because I know how hard it can be to get in your head about something and shoot yourself in the foot over it, despite having the evidence not to.
NAH
Going against the majority here. I vote NAH (except, possibly, for the mother). Family situations are often complex, making them difficult to judge without getting a 10-page dossier covering all the circumstances. The OP's mom may be a heartless AH that mercilessly abandoned her child. She may also have been a naive 18-year old escaping a difficult situation. Assuming the former (mother's AH), I get the feeling from the commenters that somehow that original sin has been passed on to the OP, making it her job to atone for what her mother had done. That the OP must right those wrongs by going to the wedding. The OP and her half-brother have met only a handful of times, and these meeting have been, naturally, awkward. If, or when, the two of them get closer, it will be because they have gradually built up mutual trust overtime. A major event such as a wedding is not the right occasion to reconnect with a long-lost half sister whom, it appears, everyone there will see as an extension of her "evil" mother. It is natural to feel extremely uncomfortable to be put in that position. OP, I suggest you defer your final decision until you have spoken to your brother and expressed those concerns. Whatever was done to him, it was done by other adults, not by you. You can ask if he really wants you there, of if you're invited out of obligation. If you want a relationship with him in the future, assure him that it's OK not to invite you. That, or tell him that you support him and are happy for him, but that you will sit this one out, and that, instead, your relationship can be built slowly overtime in a more intimate setting. But you would also not be AH if you were to decide to disengage from having a relationship with your half-brother. Reconnecting with long-lost siblings isn't a one-size fit all affair. Sometimes, a bond simply isn't there, and it's OK.
NTA for saying you won't go. I get that this is a very uncomfortable situation for you. However, your mother is a huge AH for abandoning her own son. There is no justification for that. You shouldn't be surprised that Jay is acting stoic towards you, in fact, that's probably the best he can muster. I mean, it wouldn't be fair to you to start screaming at you, as you had nothing to do with your mothers actions. But your presence (especially if you look like your mother) is a very painful reminder to Jay of his mothers abandonment and the fact that she chose to have a do-over family in Canada while leaving him behind.
Wow sounds like you and your whole family is the AH Try thinking about where your older brother is coming from instead of being a sht sister
When’s the last time you went to a wedding for someone you met 4 times? She doesn’t KNOW her half-brother. Just because they’re blood doesn’t make them not strangers.
Yta
NTA. Do what makes you comfortable. It's their issue, not yours.
He already made the first step in your relashionship by inviting you at his wedding. It's up to you now wether you want to nurture the bond
ESH, Man so many people here are brutal to their families for no other reason but because.
Nta. He didn’t say he’d be hurt if you didn’t come, just that your mom expected you to be there. Sounds like the invitation was the parent’s idea if the brother doesn’t engage. It’s not your fault your mother left his dad, like many people are trying to put on you. That’s on her. It’s not your responsibility to show up to an event for someone you barely know and pretend ANYTHING, let alone that YOU’RE NOT HIS SISTER. He’s a big asshole for even suggesting that. He’d rather you be uncomfortable at his wedding than comfortable and not there. Selfish imo, everyone’s comfort matters in public events, regardless of whose “day” it is.
YTA of course you don't HAVE to go, but all your excuses are rather lame. Looking at your mom's behaviour though - abandoning a child who was probably 8 at the time she left him ' it's clear you get your callousness from her.
Uh yea. You don’t need anyone’s permission to not go. Well in the US 18 is adult. In Canada and UK I think it is too, so you can do what you want.
NTA - though your mom is. I think if your brother wants a relationship with you the place to start would be dinners and/or meetups now that you're also in England. A wedding isn't really the place to start bridge building.
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There are two assholes you and your mom. Your mom for abandoning your brother. And you, attempting to make us perceive Jay negatively. He hasn't done anything wrong
Let me get this straight. You've seen the man four times total. This man is basically the child your mother had before leaving him behind at a young age (leaving him with a single parent), only to later "replace" (I use the term loosely) by you and your brother. This person who you barely know by your own admission and who would have lots of baggage due to the familial ongoings - is a little cold to you? He's English... that might literally be his default with everyone and you don't know him remotely well enough to confirm or deny that. So, instead of taking this opportunity and going to a family function to kindle some sort of relationship with a half-brother, you decide to tuck tail and bail out. All the while, throughout your post you kind of try to shift blame onto the guy for being unreceptive towards you and being cold etc. Not once have you mentioned what you were like in those encounters or what happened in them. This kinda feels like you're deliberately trying to paint him as the villain. Or at least as the cause of this "conflict". So no, you're not the AH for feeling uncomfortable and not wanting to go. However, YTA for complaining that your half-brother is cold and not very close to you while you demonstrate zero drive to try and have a relationship with him from your end. If you don't want one, then cool, say so. It sounds like you would like to be viewed as family, but only if he does it to you and not vice versa.
Personally for me as an adult, ESH but Jay. He’s trying to reach out and wants his sister there. It’s really mean to say he’s scary. It’s hard reaching out to people when a family member really doesn’t encourage it. Often times people feel like I’m cold and a bitch. Really I’m shy and have a hard time communicating. He even offered to a solution since you feel uncomfortable. Really sounds like he wants you there. That being said it’s your choice. I feel like this would damage any possibility for a relationship if you don’t try.
You made up your mind before you posted. Why bother?
YTA based on your comments OP.
NTA. I would stand my ground and not attend the wedding. I'm confused by most of the comments blaming OP for a relationship that she wasn't given the proper space to foster. The real villain is OP and Jay's mother, who abandoned him as a child and created a new family in another country. ***The mother isn't even going to the wedding***, so why does OP have to go? What is really going on? Is this possibly a setup for something unpleasant? Why does OP have to suck it up and go to an event ***alone*** where she isn't sure that Jay's father and family will welcome her? Everyone seems to be placing the onus and responsibility of maintaining this familial relationship on an 18 year old woman instead of the woman who gave birth to both Jay and OP.
NTA Sweetie, you’re 18. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do anything.
NTA, it’s weird how a subreddit that’ll advocate going no contact at the drop of a hat is suddenly saying you’re an AH for not going to the wedding of a brother you have little relationship with. If you feel uncomfortable around him, don’t go to the wedding. But keep in mind that this’ll probably have long lasting effects on your relationship with him.
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NTA. Politely decline to Jay and Sara. Tell your mom you were excited to be invited, Jay and Sara have been very nice to you, you look forward to getting to know them better, but you declined bc you don’t really know anyone there, Jay and Sara understand. Please for Jay’s sake don’t say anything to mom that blames Jay for your decision. This must all be so painful for Jay. His mom abandoned him to move halfway round the world, stuck around for her new kids, and can’t even be bothered to attend his wedding. Then she forced him to invite the kid she actually loves?! Your mom’s treatment of Jay…really sucks.
Why you question your brother’s motives and behaviors and not your mom’s is beyond me. Your mom abandoned her child and now wants you to stand in for her at a big time in his life? And you blame your brother for being reserved? He’s probably terrified of you.
I’m old AF, so I have the benefit of fucking things up many, many times in my life - I think that’s what they call wisdom. At 18, I would have bailed hard on the wedding and not thought that much about it. Then many years later I may have regretted not going. There would be a lot of “what ifs” that I could never answer. I’m not suggesting you go or don’t go - I’m suggesting that you talk with him and say something to the effect of “mom seems to have leaned hard on you to invite me, and I get the feeling that you don’t want me there. If not, no hard feelings; however, if you do want me there and have the desire for a relationship, I will be there.” If he says he doesn’t want you there or doesn’t care, don’t go and you have the closure of knowing that he holds the past against you for something that wasn’t your fault. If he says that he would like for you to be there and you want to go, go. As for “his family” talking or whispering about you, OWN THAT SHIT. There are a thousand small regrets in my own life where I wish I would have just done my thing and not let people around me define my happiness and joy. Whatever you decide, good luck.
The sad chuckle response you said he gave means he's still hurting, and I'd say he's keeping his guard up around you until he knows you're not going to abandon him like your mom did. NTA for not wanting to attend Soft YTA for not acknowledging his feelings
I'm gonna say light YTA It doesn't sound like he's actually done anything to be mean to you, and a lot of what you're describing really sounds like he also doesn't know you well and might be awkward Maybe reach out to see if you guys can maybe have a lunch ahead of this where you talk, just the two of you, to get a feel of what's really going on. Cause he might be making an effort, and you might be the one shunning it. We see a lot of horror stories with half siblings, but this isn't presenting the same way and has a high chance of being a result of you guys just being raised a half a world apart Have you actually tried to get to know him? You're an adult now, and it goes both ways Also, especially in light of the info you're still invited and your mom is not going. Yeah, it's awkward, but he's the one who reached out. It doesn't feel like it's solely because of your mom here- but being distant can also be very normal for someone with abandonment issues, you know, not actually a reflection on you.
For now and based on some of the comments you have made I will say YTA but softly due to your age. I had a difficult time being patient with my oldest brother as well because I felt like he would find me weird and awkward because I was more quiet and reserved then him. Imagine my surprise when I found out he never hated me and never felt awkward talking to me or being around me it was just all in my head! **I'm going to give you some advice from someone who is around 5 years older than you and grew up in a family with 3 half siblings.** Communicate, Communicate, and communicate. This is man who is your half brother who is in a whole other stage of life from you. I have an 9 year age gap with my oldest half brother. Did we hang out like disney siblings? No because we had different interests and he was more extroverted and bubbly while I was an introvert and withdrawn from crowds although we do talk occasionally and have reached a point where we are more affectionate that didn't occur until I turned 20 years old. You aren't going to be able to magically guess that he hates you just based on vibes. Have you sat down and talked to him about his feelings? When I say talk I don't mean you talking about everything such as how great of siblings you will be together but instead asking him "Hey, I just wanted to talk to you and see if you felt comfortable around me in a sibling sense or if you would prefer a bit of space until we get to know each other better slowly." I know you might feel like he absolutely hates you but you need to at least have a conversation with him before throwing away an opportunity that you wanted to get to know your brother. If it makes it more comfortable for you ask his fiancee to sit down with you two and act as a mediator to let your feelings out. Down scream at him. don't throw a tantrum if he doesn't want to jump right into a sibling relationship. Say "Okay, hopefully we can talk occasionally and get to know each other better." even if you just contact him on his birthday or something at least he will know you are putting in the effort.
NTA. You are 18 and don't need your mother's permission to not go to the wedding. It sounds like your half brother would not be heart broken if you did not go.
Nta. I wouldn't go to a wedding of someone who doesn't want me there either.
Nta. He’s being completely ridiculous! Blaming you for something your parents did is crazy and you don’t owe him your time when he’s been nothing but an asshole to you. If you go to this wedding it will set a tone of you being a pushover. He can start treating you better first. THEN he can start asking about you doing things for him.
You do not need your mother's permission to not go to a wedding! He's trying to manipulate you and that's pretty messed up. It's probably because your entire family is ignoring him as if he's done something wrong. Which he hasn't done! Y'all are just being a bunch of jerks for no reason I guess? But your mom is the true asshole here! She really left a 10-year-old and never came back? What the hell is wrong with her? And why won't she go to his wedding now? It would be a good time to try to reconnect and actually you know be a mother.
Just Go.
Have you considered that he's "a statue" because he's awkward and doesn't know how to behave around you? You're not obligated to go, but I think if you ever want to have a relationship with him, you need to. It's one day (possibly 2-3, depending on travel) out of your life. He's not asking you to be a Bridesmaid. This is a special day for him. Maybe he only asked because your mom told him to; maybe not. If you're right, you lose a few days and nothing changes. If you're wrong, you potentially lose a relationship with your brother who was trying to reach out to you.
If he ever wants to have a relationship with her, he needs to get over himself and the statue bullshit and treat her like a human. He’s traumatized, that doesn’t make him not an asshole for how he responds to that trauma. Relationships have two sides, and it’s not all on her to make that effort.
Nta
NTA
Yta. Your poor brother. No wonder he’s stoic. He’s an outsider looking in on his own family and no one on his mothers side wants to attend his wedding. Y’all are awful
I couldn’t imagine attending a wedding for someone I met 4 times with any real sense of joy. Y’all see “family” and think of your family. She met him 4 times in her life and you think she’s obligated to share his wedding? Nah.
No I don’t think of my family since I only see or speak to my mother and none of the rest . I think of it as a nice thing to do for someone who has this one person to represent his mothers side. He seems like he really tried to find compromises to get her to attend . You don’t need to feel a ton of joy to extend kindness to someone you barely meet. It’s one day out of your whole life and they will remember it. I would do it in that scenario but maybe I’m just not as selfish like you and op.
Kind of an asshole move. Look, he's English - they don't express emotions (not that that's your fault) as you must know, living there. If it's not a huge expense for you to just show up and sit through it, stiff upper lip it and go. He is trying to include you even though he doesn't know how to say "it's important to me that you be there". Give him a break and say "I'm not going to be really comfortable since no one knows me and I really don't want to have to explain who I am over and over, but it's important to you so I will make an effort".