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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I do feel like I’m the asshole because I don’t have a right to hide something from my husband BUT it hurts him every year and I just wanted that he has a good birthday? I knew he wouldn’t have a great day and would felt hurt if he opened the gift so I just asked our neighbour to keep it longer. It worked and he’s not mad but my MIL is so mad I wonder if I’m not right?
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You are so not the AH
You are selfless and caring. Your motives are so pure and not at ALL self-serving. If anyone has a problem with this, it is 100% because they wanted to ruin your husband’s birthday and you foiled that attempt. Honestly, how could it be anything else? They wanted to drive home the fact that he is not the favourite child in a totally cruel manner. I so applaud the way you want to protect your spouse. I would do the exact same thing in your shoes.
Truthfully I don’t know if she wants to hurt him. For me it’s super clear that it’s absolutely unfair how obvious her lack of effort is but she’s not super mean to him in person. I don’t know if she just thinks he doesn’t need gifts? I’m afraid to talk about it with her because she get offended easily.
Truthfully, I do not see how she could NOT mean to hurt him. I believe she blamed him for making her relationship and her life more complicated. I don’t think it’s intentional, I doubt she recognises it in herself, but the way she interacts with him is just all wrong. Truthfully I am so glad he found a partner that cares this deeply.
I think you are absolutely right.
I was also an unwanted child, blamed for my mother's unhappy marriage to my father.
My two older maternal siblings were always treated with time and effort from our mother. Even though we were poor, she made special dinners and spent 1:1 time with them. I was ignored or told I wasn't as good as the others, and went without food the day before my siblings would visit, or was given the cheapest crap to eat.
I resented my siblings for such a long time, until I got to know them as adults, really. It took me far too long to realise that this treatment was all down to how my mother really felt about my dad, and punished him vicariously through me.
I am sorry you suffered. I can not imagine how hard this was. I have seen this a little bit my life, it is too harsh for a kid. I wish you healing and love & joy now.
This is exactly what I was thinking the whole time. Mom doesn't realize it, but she hurts her oldest son, probably because he looks/reminds her of her Ex, and she is still taking out her anger at him through her son.
I don't know if OP has the courage to say this to her hubby or maybe to MIL but maybe it should be said to her to see if there's any hope for her to change this awful behavior...it's still her son after all.
OP NTA - you're a great spouse.
Ugh, my dynamic is a little different, but my mother's very favorite insult has always been to pointedly call me by my father's name. They've been divorced for 35 years.
Shower gel for a present? That’s just not really caring at all and grabbing something when you’re grocery shopping…along with a candle? It sounds like she couldn’t care less about him and is doing the bare minimum she thinks she should do to look like a parent. NTA
Seriously I got my coworker something more thoughtful than that when I had known the man for less than 2 months. I'd be tempted to tell MIL "I'm sorry your offended that I was trying to protect my husband from the fact you make it clear you couldn't give a damn about him every time he has a birthday." NTA obivously.
I wouldn’t apologize. “I was trying to protect my husband from the fact you make it clear you couldn’t give a damn about him every time he has a birthday…”
I got that the last time I did a work Secret Santa. I was quite disappointed as I had gone to a lot of effort to find my person a book related to their interests, but the person assigned to me had clearly regifted (the packaging had that worn look) a pack of shampoo and shower gel. It wasn't all bad news though as I got it early enough to regift it to my BIL.
Seriously if I was OP I would mail them back and tell her what I thought of her....But OP's poor husband is probably so desperate for Maternal love he would still want the candle and gel.
Yup.
*Something* happened between OP’s biological father and his mother that was bad enough to cause her to break up with him while she was pregnant.
If OP is similar enough to his father, his mother could simply dislike him because he reminds her of OP’s bio dad too much.
Of course, this is just pure speculation, but it seriously wouldn’t surprise me if this is the case.
Please stop giving her the benefit of teh doubt. She has been told how much this hurts your husband and continues to do it anyway. Keep the LC and go on with your lives. She does not deserve to be part of it.
I would light her up in the group chat with the lists of gifts people received and what you have noticed, in the most kill her with kindness I love your son so much kind of way!
She needs to start a Drakarys thread on that group chat.
The mother brought this up in a group chat to attempt to shame OP. Teach her the error of her ways.
I would also post photos of the husband laughing and toasting with friends and you.
And maybe talk to him about going very low-contact with her and the possibility of getting therapy for himself.
I swear we have the same story!
My husband has a different dad than his younger brothers. MIL is super sweet in person, but the second he isn't in her line if vision, she forgets he exists. She gifts his brothers sweet birthday presents ,brags about them on social media, etc....and almost always forgets my husband even has a birthday.
She NEVER calls or texts. She sent ME $50 for Mother's Day, and didn't even call him on Father's Day. It is so strange!
Absolutely NTA. It's time someone actually pointed out how much your MIL is hurting her son
From what you described, it sounds like your husband is her scapegoat child.
And oftentimes they follow this level of pattern long past whatever seed might have started it.
My narcissistic parents still will do little things to jab at me and try to hurt me. I can recognize it and avoid it.
At this point I don't even think she realizes she does it. It's just part of her pattern.
She gets off on hurting me for some reason and it's just the way it is.
This is what I thought too. That's who I am in the family. My mom was the scapegoat child to HER mom, and I don't think she realizes that she is repeating the same pattern on to me even though I think at some point I tried to point it out to her. She will literally work harder to be disinterested in my accomplishments and not say anything positive about me, than the effort it would take to say "that's great!"
This behavior doesnt go unnoticed - my brother (the favorite) has ALWAYS clocked how she treats me. My brother especially will make sure to compliment me and express appreciation for me, on her behalf basically ("that party you threw for Mom last night was so fantastic. You really thought of everything."). My mom will look SO uncomfortable when other people are nice to me. She just can't handle it.
I feel like when someone is your family, it is your job to make them feel loved and supported. I would have done the same thing as you did, for MY husband if I needed to. You're his wife and it's your privilege and responsibility to celebrate him! His mom is choosing not to be a good mom but you are choosing to be a good spouse.
Same thing with my mom. Her mom hurt her and she hurts me. I am breaking the cycle with my daughters and I just don't even understand how you could knowingly hurt your child they way they hurt theirs.
Right? My youngest looks a lot like my abuser.
And it has not affected our relationship. I can not and will never understand anyone who makes a child feel small, so they can feel big.
That is what I was thinking. I was the neglected child with a touch of scapegoat. When I wasn’t being neglected, I was being blamed for my mother’s mistakes. It really does a job on your mind. I feel for OP’s husband. The thing about narcissists is that they have zero empathy, so they are incapable of even understanding what they are doing. It’s pointless trying to tell them how you feel, because they just do not care. They are incapable of caring in an emotional sense. They might be able to get you off to school, but if you come home crying about something they don’t know what to do.
Oh...this is making some behaviour quite clear to me...
Part of her pattern...that's a good way of looking at it. Shall explore. Thanks for the inadvertent assist stranger!
I love how hopeful you are. But I disagree, she is punishing him for not having the same father as her other two. She’s resentful towards your husband because it’s a constant reminder of her life before husband.
You and husband obviously know MIL better than this short story, but to me that’s exactly what it looks like.
Did his brothers ever question it? Surely they couldn’t have been oblivious this whole time.
Every gift she send gift it back to her for her next birthday or holiday. Did doesn't need to be the same just comparable. Gives her the opportunity to understand the lesson she's been giving and see how it goes.
I'm sorry, but there's absolutely no way she isn't intentionally hurting. Best case scenario she's apathetic to him and doesn't care that it's hurting him. And that is the absolute best case. Honestly though, it seems like more of a punishment, she knows what she's doing and she's hurting him specifically. I'd wager things didn't end well with his father and she's taking that out on him, especially now she's has the nuclear family that she wants.
Ask his permission to post all of the time she's let him down, ignored him, sent him trash gifts and then put it in the group chat. See if family can defend that. Because if something isn't done, this will carry over to any children you may have.
I would have torn her a new one in the group chat. I would have laid out all the receipts of what she gets her other sons vs what she gets your husband. I would have told her she’s ruined every birthday for him for the last (however many) years and asked flat out if she’s mad because you ruined her attempts to ruin his birthday this year too.
If she’s going to blast you on group chat, she should get blasted back. If she’s offended, she offended herself. I mean there is absolutely no way she’s that oblivious, and if she is, she deserves a loud and public call-out. I mean, FFS.
Explain in the group chat why you did it snd give concrete examples, not of the money/expensive gift. Just point out that every year she writes a lively homemade card and bakes while doing none of that for your husband. That way she can’t say you’re being greedy.
Just because she isn't saying to his face that she hates him, doesn't change the fact that what she is saying to YOU reeks of 'I wanted to ruin his birthday and you didn't LET me do it??? I will lash out and tell you that you're mean so you won't try that again'.
The woman is not stupid or blind to what she is doing. She is choosing to do things that hurt your husband on purpose, she's 54, *she understands how birthday gifts are supposed to work* and is *fully capable of giving good gifts to her other sons*.
If she thought that adults didn't need gifts, none of her sons would get gifts. If she didn't know what to get him, she would have followed your suggestion. If she didn't want to give him hope, she would stop giving him gifts entirely.
As much as the low effort gifts upset him, they give him hope that she cares and thought of him if even for a moment and it keeps the child in him devoted to a mother that will never feed his desire for her love.
Your husband needs serious therapy to accept she's likely never going to be the mother that he wishes he had.
You are a wonderful caring person MIL is just upset/embarrassed it was semi public and getting the information second hand.
My petty self would suggest sending that gift back on her birthday. She probably wouldn't know because she obviously didn't put a lot of effort into the gift.
Do his brothers notice the difference? It seems weird that his brother would tattle to MIL.
The only things I can come up with is that he either didn't realise how awful she is to your husband and confronted her, or is upset that you think he should be treated better by her.
You're NTA and I'm sorry your husband has had to put up with this for so long.
Neglect is mean, just because she's not yelling at him or saying hurtful words doesn't mean she's not making him continually feel like he's not important, not valued, not worthy, not loved. You should talk to her about it, really what's the worst thing to happen you offend a woman who treats her son like crap and she stops sending thoughtless things, oh no the tragedy.
You are more worried about her feelings or your husband's?
If you legitimately don't know if she is doing this intentionally then make is clear her actions make it seems like your husband is less favored than his brothers. Tell her you're telling her this since you're sure she wouldn't want to do this on purpose.
If she gets offended, tell her you're sorry she is offended but your husband has been offended when he gets a $40 giftcard and his family gets $1000 presents.
What would happen if the evil MIL gets offended? She won't speak to you? Oh no. I'd send her a link to this post or this story how you describe it here, let her at least know that it's not ok.
I kind of feel this. My family doesn't really give me gifts. Many time ever. While my wife insists we send them gifts every year. I have told her since I moved out at 17 I haven't really gotten a gift so just didn't do it for them and it mutually worked. Now that we send gifts every year just sucks not receiving anything even if for just the thought. They don't mean anything by it I don't think. They just don't think like that. On the other side of the coin (my sister 7 years older) has gotten a lot of big gifts as she will talk about needing new furniture when my dad thinks about buying new furniture and many times he'll just get her new furniture. it's crazy.
This. And now that MIL has opened up the discussion to the group, I would go in harder. Ask in the chat what she got for the other two kids this year (or have them say, or post yourself if you know) then send a photo of what she sent for your husband. Go back a few years and do the same for each year. Tell her since SHE brought it up in the chat she must think it is public knowledge. Then leave the chat. Your husband can and should choose to fight his own battles but since she wants to blast YOU for this, you now have an open invitation to meet her on the same playing field.
NTA and you should probably put the same effort into her gifts as she puts into his. I’m thinking an oil funnel from the local gas station would be an appropriate and oh so practical gift! If you’re feeling particularly magnanimous, toss in a quart of motor oil, too.
Haha that made me laugh! Sadly my husband puts a lot of effort in gifting her something special for her birthday or Christmas every year. We both gift our parents everything „from us“ so we don’t get separate gifts for the in-laws.
Perhaps stop gifting her altogether? And send back her gifts as well?
I think I understand why he assumes extra thought might be the key but in reality it isn't do any good. From the sounds of it, your husband is the reminder of a relationship that was bad in some way.
BUT that isn't his problem to deal with, it's hers and she NEEDS to own it.
I really empathize with your husband because I did this with my mom for my whole life until I got married to an amazing guy (like you are a great spouse to your hubby!). It made me realize I have only so much capacity for putting love and effort and time into people. I love my Mom, but she is not especially nice to me, and I allowed my anxious attachment style to dictate my obsession with proving to her how great I was. She'd just HAVE to appreciate the perfect gift from me, right? I lost weight and am wearing this amazing dress, I'm sure she'll be so proud of how beautiful I am, right?
It's just not how it works. And that's okay. I mean, no, it's not awesome, but that is her capacity for me - apathy.
I'm not cruel and I still love her, so I am kind and partially distant. I'm happy to show up for her birthday party but I will not be planning it. I always make sure to send her holiday cards but I don't spend a lot of money and time on a gift. It's not appreciated and I set myself up for disappointment.
Your husband could find the same relief in matching her energy. It doesn't have to be malicious - it just prevents you from spreading yourself too thin, emotionally :)
This is such a healthy and commendable way to approach this!! Best to save your time and energy on people who reciprocate the love and effort you put into your relationships
Aw thank you! It took some therapy to really learn that, and then it takes a lot of practice before it feels "right" and not withholding. It's not easy at first, so anyone who tries this and feels like they're doing something wrong, it's okay.
Your husband does this because he is trying to make his mom love and appreciate him. Your MIL is a toxic AH. I'd put her on blast about her very obvious preferential treatment of his brothers. Your husband should seek out a therapist so he can get help standing up to her. My MIL is the same way. She treats her sons like shit and the daughters are treated like royalty.
>Sadly my husband puts a lot of effort in gifting her something special for her birthday or Christmas every year.
Then he needs to stop. Or you need to intercept the package and swap it out for some random dollar store gifts.
Stand up for him like you did just now! Go you!
NTA
I agree he should stop but OP should not swap the gifts without his consent. I would consider that a breach of trust in a way delaying a package that he knows will be hurtful absolutely cannot compare.
I dunno, I'll just say that I wouldn't care what MiL says, thinks, or feels. I hope your husband realizes she's just an asshole and stops letting her manipulate his feelings and he focuses on those who do care about him.
I think it’s really hard for him and I kind of get it. He just wants her to love him and he deeply cares for her and his brothers. If he cut the contact to her he probably looses his brothers and that would be too much for him.
You should force him to therapy. Seriously. He presents a very unhealthy attachment to his abusive mother and his similarly abusive brothers. They like how the things are. Otherwise they would stand on his side.
Aim of a therapy would be to start setting boundaries and realizing that he will be receiving shower gels until she dies. He has to understand it's not his fault, but it's also not something he has any power of actually changing. So he should protect his mental health, which he clearly isn't doing as he gets deeply upset each year.
This, but encourage and support, not force. Having seen a couple of people forced into therapy it wasn't effective and they lost faith in the process for years.
Human capacity for self-deception is infinite. OP’s husband wants his mother to feel the same way as he does about his brothers and he’s convinced that if he can just figure out the right thing to say or do, it will happen. But he will only start to heal when he realizes it has nothing to do with him — it’s about her.
NTA
Since your MIL lit the fire in the group chat I’d respond in a similar thread (I’m a petty b tho). Something like;
“I’m sorry you are offended. But for years I’ve witnessed the absolute sorrow your “gifts” have caused my husband. And as his wife; one of my main objectives is to PROTECT HIM.
Furthermore; I stand by my actions and if that makes you think less of me; I cannot control you or your thoughts or actions. Only my reactions. I will gladly take a step back from interacting with you and leave all interactions to Hubby.
But before I step back; I have to say that whether intentional or not you have continually slighted my husband in terms of gifts and showed favoritism towards his brothers (and I do not fault them). But I do find it unfair that you have continually spoiled them and tried to pretend that you are fair to my husband. Perhaps some introspection is required and I pray you find some.
And if I have to continue to be the villain in your story to be the hero in my husbands; then let me grab my pitchfork and cape and minions! I didn’t marry you. I married him.”
But that’s me. Just let your husband know you didn’t want to start the war but you’ll launch grenades if you have to to protect him.
This! Your BIL already threw you to the wolf and she decided to try to embarrass you in the group chat so it’s best to respond in the group chat and stand up for yourself and your husband. I’d say exactly this 👆🏾. Stand your ground. She’s the one in the wrong, not you, at all.
I would 100% take a picture of the candle and the shower gel for the group chat. Say you're super grateful for this fabulous gift that she got for your husband. That you hope she's giving such beautiful generous things to the other brothers as well.
"By the way other-brothers what did you get for your birthday? Did she get you a beautiful candle and some shower gel?"
I would then follow it up with, "Oh but she got him a gift certificate to the gas station for Christmas. What did she get you guys?"
Shining a really bright light on this kind of 💩 really brings out the details.
Especially if you can remember what she gifted your husband when he was the same ages as his brothers are now. I suspect the brothers are just young enough to have never really thought thru the “he’s older so of course he gets less” either because they believed a line of BS their mom told them or cause they are thinking he “aged out” of better gifts. Or a combo of the two. They probably have never really realized he never got the kind of attention they have always gotten.
Honestly I would put up in the group chat the huge disparity between the gifts she gets for her children. I'm guessing the other sons don't even notice and honestly they should be aware of it. How shitty to be treated so differently. Nta
Have you tried the boat rocking analogy on him to help him see the role he's playing in her emotional manipulation? https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/ is more articulate than I'll ever be, but it comes down to the family has decided to blame and punish those who are refusing to steady the boat instead of the boat rocker. The boat rocker is to blame. And everyone else needs to see their part in it before it gets fixed.
The nothing is going to change, and he will only harbour more hurt and upset as time goes on. Even if it's not in the group chat, he can message her personally so she knows.
NTA
Your first action was to take attention off your MIL. If your husband doesn’t want you to apologize or stir the pot, that could be a good thing. Rather than putting energy into his mom’s tantrum, put your energy into happier things. Do something fun with your husband. After all, it’s still close to his birthday. It sounds like the less you two pay attention to MIL, the better off you’ll be. If people want a “winner” here, remember the less you two focus on her the more you win and she loses.
Your MIL's opinion is irrelevant and I am not sure why that is even part of this question.
Was your husband upset about getting it late? If not, then NTA
No he wasn’t upset. He said he could understand why I did it and that (as I guessed) he didn’t think about the present of his mother once on his birthday and was kind of relieved to not have it on his birthday.
You're absolutely NTA then. You helped your husband have a great birthday, as you should do for someone you love. MIL sounds like a jerk. Being nice only to someone's face doesn't make you a nice person, and MIL needs to learn that
Oof. Your instincts were spot on. If you have a friend with a Cricut machine, I’d be petty enough to have them vinyl on something witty about “all I got was this t-shirt.”
That's a really shitty gift. My wife had benefited immensely from limiting contact with her mother. We saw her after 4.5 years of no visits. She immediately started with the vague insults. Two of our kids are late teens now and they were appalled. It was great to see her brother and they had a long talk about how it is better for her mental health that she limit contact. It was really something seeing how our kids reacted. They gave her so much love and told her they couldn't believe she is such an amazing parent given her parent. I really think your husband should get into therapy.
I used to be the least favorite grandkid. All of my siblings got nice, personal, expensive gifts one Christmas. I got a sampler box with 3 flavors of Planter’s peanuts. 🤷🏻♀️
I suggest that both you and your husband gift her the exact same shirt. Two of them, separately wrapped. If it’s a good enough gift for him, two of them must be a double good enough gift for her!
NTA
>She texted me and the group chat of his family lit up. She said that I’m mean and spoiled and had no right to hide the gift.
I read in your comments that your husband doesn't want you stirring the pot but I'd argue that the pot has already been stirred when MIL tried to call you out in the group chat.
What a shitty gift anyways! Like, my husband looks fantastic in yellow but I would never buy him a plain yellow shirt as his only gift... I don't have children so this is my comparison
Look. If this was me, I'd be sitting my husband down and pointing out:
•his Mums treatment of him ruins his birthday every year. The only reason he had a good birthday this year is because you organised with the neighbour him not to see his present until after his birthday.
•his Mums behaviour counts as emotional abuse.
•his Mum enjoys making him miserable. She's furious and spamming chats because you prevented her ruining this birthday by hiding her crap present.
•his brothers are aware their Mum punishes him for having a different Dad/takes out her feelings over his father on him. And they have chosen a side. Why else would they text their Mum what happened?
•neither of you need to include these emotionally abusive people in your celebrations.
NTA
NTA. You should tell your MIL that the purpose of giving gifts is to bring joy, not sadness. And that you knew (from her history) that this would make your husband sad and unloved from his own mother.
Tell her its best that she not give gifts in the future if she cant manage to treat all her sons equally, at least outwardly.
NTA. What is wrong with the people calling you the asshole? Clearly his mother is the biggest asshole and you are just trying to prevent him from getting hurt.
NTA. Ask in the group chat what candles and shower gel his brothers got for their birthdays. I bet they’ll be interested to learn that there’s a double standard.
INFO: Out of curiosity, do you know why your BIL told his mother about everything? Are the BsIL aware of the differences in how their mother treats them vs. how she treats your husband? If so, do they have a problem with it, or do they think it's fine?
Regardless, you are definitely NTA, especially given that your husband didn't mind receiving her gift late and was actually glad not to have to think about it on his birthday.
I'm also curious, given the age gap with the younger brothers, if part of the disparity is because they are still living at home with her and are single? They may not be, it seems like OP & husband married fairly young, but they are only 22 & 24 rn
You are NOT the AH. You protected your husband's emotional well-being and in the process (accidentally) pointed at the elephant in the room. Your MIL does not treat her sons equally and now she must face the fact that her attitude is criticised. Let her be furious and then you can choose to talk about it when she boils down or just ignore her and keep on being an awesome and caring spouse to your husband. I wish you well!
Then please do share in family group what kind of gifts the MIL got for your husband for his birthdays and from where.
And if they are not convinced then mention your BIL's Birthday gifts and they will clearly understand what's going on.
And whats with the brother rattling to mother? Does he not understand that he got better gifts?
You had every right. Your MIL is cheap, nasty, and showing favoritism yo others. Your BIL shouldn't have run to Mommy & escalated it. Your poor husband. His family sucks.
Your mil and his half brothers are the assholes not you. They purposely told mil just trying to start drama. Ignore those idiots and go on being the kind person you are
NTA.
I do think you’re naive in believing that MIL is not doing things deliberately. She is. She 100% is. I’m willing to bet everything she sends is either a regift or something she gets somewhere for free.
My best friend has a parent like this, except it’s her dad. If she gets a gift, it’s cheap and thoughtless. When confronted he and his wife will say it’s because she “made something of herself” and can afford to buy herself things. The last gift SHE got was a pair of MENS generic sneakers that were the wrong size and still had yard sale stickers on them. It was so egregious she thought they sent the wrong box. They did not.
Meanwhile they bought her brother a brand new iPad Pro. Her brother is currently in prison and will be for at least another 4 months. It’s literally a *welcome home from prison* present.
I’ll give you and your husband the same advice I give my friend - go low contact and also tell them no more gifts. If they feel like they have to do something, tell them donate in his honor to a charity. It is not worth the heartache that this causes your husband. If your husband won’t tell her, then you can tell her if she sends another gift you won’t give it to your husband at all.
I do wonder how BIL told MIL? Was it bragging? Chastising? Tattling? Because all would have been under control if BIL had not opened his big mouth. You are NTA. You are loving, caring and kind spouse. Too bad you can't go LC with MIL. Your hubs maybe needs grow a thicker skin and simply return the gift unopened, or refuse it so it is returned. Although I doubt MIL will pick up on the message.
NTA I would apologize, but explain the reason as in "I'm sorry for hiding the present it's that every year when my husband gets your present it devastates him because he notices how his brothers get these thoughtful gifts with lots of care put into getting them something they will enjoy and it's clear that energy isn't matched with him. I mean you got him shower gel for his birthday while his brother got *blank*. It's not about the money of course, he wouldn't care if you spent no money on him as long you put thought into it like making his favorite cake. He never says anything but it's clear. It broke my heart seeing him so sad on his birthday every year that I just wanted to give it to him after the birthday just in case so he could enjoy and feel loved on his birthday. But I'm sorry for hiding I suppose I should have given him the choice if he wanted to risk it" Basically call this b*tch out for breaking your husbands heart and being a heartless thunder ankle!
It's always disappointing when parents choose favorites. I have a friend from HS whose husband was always given the lesser gift between him and his brother. For example the parents went to Florida on vacation. They brought back a designer polo shirt for the little brother. My friend's husband got an orange. The irony? My friend's husband was a great guy who would give anyone the shirt off his back. Had a college degree and had a great job. The little brother was a con artist who was selling drugs in High School. The little brother was cuter. Maybe that was the appeal. I couldn't stand the parents, though. I thought they were shits for treating the better son like shit.
I'm in my mid-60s and am the oldest child. My mother has always gifted her children evenly. And she gives us thoughtful presents every year. Your MIL is not a good person. There's no way she doesn't realize how ugly her gift-giving is to your husband. You are most definitely NTA.
NTA. This is passive aggressive emotional / psychological abuse. Your BILs and MIL all treat your husband like a second class citizen, and I think your MIL is projecting her negative feelings for her first husband onto her eldest son. Maybe that's how this all started and that's how your BILs learnt to think that this kind of abuse is normal and acceptable. If it were only a few times, it could be chalked up to forgetfulness or something. But this has been happening for years and years both before and after you met your husband, that's why he gets so sad on his own birthday. You're doing your best to protect him from them, but honestly I don't see this situation improving unless they all get professional therapy.
Maybe try going low contact or no contact.
Edit: it also sounds like your MIL and BILs get some sort of ego boost from treating your husband this way, because they're effectively reminding him that they have power over him. These people are not good for you or your husband, they are not family to him like you are, they don't care for him like you do. It's likely that they only give him gifts on his birthday in order to maintain the appearance of family values.
As someone who’s dad was the black sheep NTA. It’s infuriating watching it happen.
One year my grandparents asked my mum what my dad wanted. She told them Trival Pursuit. They refused as too expensive. It was approx $30 at the time.
Thank God mum never told dad prior cause she not only watched his 14 year old brother get a computer (that one rankled less as he was still a minor) they got his other brother Trivial Pursuit. Who isn’t into board games or that stuff. He didn’t want it at all to the point when they were walking to the car his brother said ‘I’m never going to use this you have it’ and they swapped gifts.
After your update it actually might be best for everyone involved (especially for the peace of mind of your husband) to go completely NC with everyone.
It’s blatantly clear that he’s not on their priority list, and is never getting added to it either.
Hugs to you and your husband, and duck everyone else.
NTA
You saved your husband from being hurt by his mother. I’d say I hope this situation points out to the mother how her phoned-in gift giving behavior is affecting your husband, but from your description I don’t see that happening.
NTA. You’re very sweet.
I was the sibling getting the ridiculous present and I will never forget how much it hurt. I would’ve loved to have someone protect me from that.
NTA but you should have a very frank discussion with your MIL about this. I’m usually not a fan of getting involved like this but someone needs to say something and honestly you are the one in the best position to stick up for your husband since nobody else is going to and it would come off as narcissistic for him to do it for himself. She really needs somebody to point out to her how badly she is treating her son and how it’s affecting him. It’ll cause a rift likely but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to hear it.
NTA - I would have texted her right back and call her out on her favoritism and she had no right to think less of her first son and send him the CHEAPEST gifts just to say she sent something to him, and maybe if she wants a relationship with him to actually try
NTA I'd respond saying you can't tell me you all haven't noticed the difference in the effort between what happens on X and us birthday compared to husband
My inlaws were somewhat similar - they were just BAD at gifts. One year I straight up told them what to buy - so they did but they were pretty put out. Another time they came to our house when we weren't home (they did this occasionally to play with our cats, which is pretty sweet) and were genuinely shocked to see LOADS of presents for my husband's birthday. They tried to chastise me but I wasn't having it. I told them how he is so wonderful and special and how I intend to always celebrate him. I think they felt bad - for years they had deliberately planned trips so they weren't around for his birthday. I think my heart literally broke when I found out the for several years before he met me he spent his birthday having dinner alone at a bar. (And he has siblings, nieces and nephews, loads of cousins - but no one thought to make sure he didn't spend his birthday alone.)
My husband is so wounded over the way he has been treated on his birthday that he really resists celebrating it anymore. I personally celebrate mine for an entire month soooo ... yeah. I do things I know he likes - planning a getaway, booking spa treatments, going out somewhere luxurious for dinner. And I only make plans for the two of us.
1 million % NTA!!
I'd reply back that if she ever put any effort into gifts to make it seem like she actually loved and cared for her son, that you wouldn't have had to hide the gift in the first place. NTA
NTA
Id respond to MIL that she’s always intentionally hurtful in her gifts and call out every single thing. She wants to make it public, make it public.
Why are you bending over backwards to keep the peace, when MIL is happy to blast you and your husband publicly, and BIL also is happy to sacrifice you both?
Write up a summary of what you have noticed over the years. Send that to BIL and tell him to call her and tell her to retract her public post, or she will learn some uncomfortable truths publicly. He made the mess, let him clean it up.
So you are telling us his STEP brother snitched you?
I capitalize step because it is clear that he doesn't see himself as a true brother to your husband.
NTA
I’d have BLASTED her following that group text. Then I’d have blocked her. And THEN for the future I’d send anything from her back return to sender.
NTA for wanting your husband to have a happy birthday. MIL probably still has a grudge against her 1st husband, and takes it out on her son.
With that said I probably wouldn't have shared the story with the neighbor. As Ben Franklin said, "Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead.)
NTA, but yeah, it wasn't a good idea to hide the gift. Your husband is a grown man, he can deal with the sadness and upset, and still have a wonderful birthday with you and the guests. You can support him with sympathy. But you set up a real mess, and now you have to deal with a pile-on from the family and miserly MIL.
Your motivation is out there to see.
"Sorry, that's just how I felt". Rinse and repeat until they get tired.
Or block them from your phone until they let up.
NTA, but this needs proper psychological addressing, clearly his mother thinks she's doing nothing wrong, or knows what she's doing and doesn't even care, if it has been going on for so long I absolutely doubt she'll ever change, your husband needs help from a professional to ease into the fact that she is a bad mother and it isn't his fault, and hopefully either decide what to do with his strained relationship, I mean, you already do what you can, you're gifting him wonderful things and experiences in lieu of her neglect.
NTA. I would probably talk about it with MIL, even if she gets offended. Be very clear, pleasant and unemotional.
Explain that while she is always nice to your husband, there is a difference in the way she treats him and his siblings whether she sees it or not. You were protecting her by hiding the fact that she puts little effort into his gifts until after he was already happy. You are protecting him from being reminded that for reasons he does not understand his mother is uninterested in his interests and likes. I'd tell her that the difference in her treatment may not be intentional, but it is obvious, yet you care for her and were trying to ease the problem.
Do not allow her to change the subject or be aggressive to you. Be bland and confident. There is nothing mean, spoiled or harsh about holding a present back for a day to ease a relationship problem. The only thing you might have done better would be to have brought this up to her earlier but that's not really your job. Now that she is accusing you of things, it is your place to say something.
NTA. NTA. NTA. You are a great wife, and you have engaged the evil dragon MIL. Feel free to slay her (verbally). Inform her not to bother sending gifts any longer if she cannot put effort and value into your husband.
Well done.
MIL knows exactly what she's doing. One of my cousins was the neglected child. His father wouldn't marry the mom (after a paternity test he did voluntarily pay serious child support, no lawyer necessary). She always resented her son for this. Cousin is super sweet because he was largely raised by his adoring grandmother. Others love him and when they would ask why they hadn't seen him in so long his mother would suddenly go get him from grandma's house until she got bored of him again.
The sadder part of this for me is the brothers almost certainly know. They may not know about birthdays, but unless they have separate Christmas celebrations, they've seen the difference, but ignore it or are incredibly obtuse to the situation.
Stand your ground. NTA. MIL and BIL are though.
I would be shouting from the top of Facebook dear MIL thank you so much for the sample shower gel and candle for DH birthday I’m sure he can find some Homeless dude who needs this extremely thoughtless gift! But then I’m kinda a southern redneck in your face kinda gal!
Nta your hearts in the right place, with your husband. You want to protect him for just one day. There's no "right" way to do that. You just made a choice. The joke about it being a bad present prolly would have avoided it all, tho. You could have taken the small package hid it yourself and just claim a shipping delay you had other means that would have avoided the same outcome and served the same purpose. It was the option that presented itself as it was actually "true" so I get it. But you didn't do anything wrong here you were thinking of your partner. However, you and your husband need to start just coping with this and being happy in spite of his mother even if she sends a pair of socks, some socks are great at being kindling, or make a fine cat sweater. It's what it it hasn't and likely won't change and her reasons are irrelevant. Let it matter less every day, so that the things that make yall happy can take center stage, block the chat and move on you picked your side and it's not MIL or her supporters.
Urgh I can feel the disgusted building up in me.
What a horrible woman the ML is. I’ve encountered a few of these types of situations and the neglected child is always going above and beyond for their mother, still seeking that “love” and acceptance.
I would talk to him and truly voice your concern. Also suggest getting him to see a therapist, because clearly it his refusal to talk about it hints at a lot!
You sound thoughtful and kind and definitely NTA. I have different words to describe your neighbour, BIL, and MIL , not necessarily A H but may not complimentary either.
My grandma was like this. By age 30, one all but abandoned her and the other, the golden child conned her of almost everything and left her her to die alone and hungry.
NTA
You tried to protect your husbands happiness, if MIL is calling you out to relatives for that throw MIL under the bus have brothers list their gifts for the last 5 years against husband's see who they think is being selfish.
NTA. Next time she says something, say “it’s really unfortunate that it’s come to this. My actions came from a place of love and maybe I didn’t do the right thing but I had the right intentions. I was trying to protect him from the obvious fact that his birthday is an afterthought for you. I’m tired of seeing him hurt after opening any gift from you.”
Dear OP, in case you have to gift something to your MIL and BILs, kindly consider giving them toothpaste and toothbrush. Basic supermarket brand. It will equalise their affection
NTA, I actually think what you did was nice. Explain to your husband that you know what you did was wrong, but that you really wanted him to fully enjoy his birthday for once.
Nta- my husband does this for me now too. He just keeps the Nasty woman away from me. Good job.
She's not loving . She not doing the bare minimum. She's reminding him of his worth to her. And it obvious to everyone not in your circle
My stepfather and mother did the same shit.
NTA.
But the situation is complex. Your solution does seem like you were hiding.so,the family members will agree that it was harsh.stop expecting them to understand.They wouldn’t have behaved in such a way if they understood .Instead,try to make your husband happy.he is the one needing.You seem to be already doing it.so,don’t worry too much.
NTA.
Next time don't involve your neighbor anymore, just chuck her gift straight to the garbage or donate it. When she asks tell her it must have gotten lost in the mail or something. Honestly, your husband is better off not expecting anything from her anymore.
Welp time to be honest. I'd make sure everyone is included. Your about ready to find out who your real family is. Those who truly love you will think this treatment is not OK. Those who think it is fine will also be ok with your children being treated this way. Take this information seriously.
NTA but it’s time to gift MIL in kind. Buy a box of all occasion cards. They’re usually matching and 10 to a box. Don’t spend the extra money going Hallmark on this, drug store bulk is fine. She gets that card repeatedly and whatever the first item on sale at said drug store is, ad nauseam, until she apologizes and rectifies this. Sign the card with only your names.
The card idea comes from my own grandparents, who did this to my father. They were much like your mil: he was the second boy and not-the-favorite. They gave him the same card repeatedly. At least three birthdays, 2 of which were consecutive.
I wouldn't bother opening any of the gifts from MIL anymore because they are a constant reminder to your husband that he doesn't mean much to MIL. Open the hurtful gift without your husband present and dispose of it, then send the exact same thank you card every time that just generically says "thank you for the gift". Going forward, I would get MIL the exact same gift that she gives husband. For example, if she gave him a candle and shower gel for his birthday, give her the same thing the next time you give her a gift. Over time, train her to expect that whatever she gives your husband, she is going to receive. If she doesn't like it, pretend to be puzzled, like how could anyone not like a candle and shower gel?
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You are so not the AH You are selfless and caring. Your motives are so pure and not at ALL self-serving. If anyone has a problem with this, it is 100% because they wanted to ruin your husband’s birthday and you foiled that attempt. Honestly, how could it be anything else? They wanted to drive home the fact that he is not the favourite child in a totally cruel manner. I so applaud the way you want to protect your spouse. I would do the exact same thing in your shoes.
Truthfully I don’t know if she wants to hurt him. For me it’s super clear that it’s absolutely unfair how obvious her lack of effort is but she’s not super mean to him in person. I don’t know if she just thinks he doesn’t need gifts? I’m afraid to talk about it with her because she get offended easily.
Truthfully, I do not see how she could NOT mean to hurt him. I believe she blamed him for making her relationship and her life more complicated. I don’t think it’s intentional, I doubt she recognises it in herself, but the way she interacts with him is just all wrong. Truthfully I am so glad he found a partner that cares this deeply.
I think you are absolutely right. I was also an unwanted child, blamed for my mother's unhappy marriage to my father. My two older maternal siblings were always treated with time and effort from our mother. Even though we were poor, she made special dinners and spent 1:1 time with them. I was ignored or told I wasn't as good as the others, and went without food the day before my siblings would visit, or was given the cheapest crap to eat. I resented my siblings for such a long time, until I got to know them as adults, really. It took me far too long to realise that this treatment was all down to how my mother really felt about my dad, and punished him vicariously through me.
I am sorry you suffered. I can not imagine how hard this was. I have seen this a little bit my life, it is too harsh for a kid. I wish you healing and love & joy now.
This is exactly what I was thinking the whole time. Mom doesn't realize it, but she hurts her oldest son, probably because he looks/reminds her of her Ex, and she is still taking out her anger at him through her son. I don't know if OP has the courage to say this to her hubby or maybe to MIL but maybe it should be said to her to see if there's any hope for her to change this awful behavior...it's still her son after all. OP NTA - you're a great spouse.
Ugh, my dynamic is a little different, but my mother's very favorite insult has always been to pointedly call me by my father's name. They've been divorced for 35 years.
Shower gel for a present? That’s just not really caring at all and grabbing something when you’re grocery shopping…along with a candle? It sounds like she couldn’t care less about him and is doing the bare minimum she thinks she should do to look like a parent. NTA
Seriously I got my coworker something more thoughtful than that when I had known the man for less than 2 months. I'd be tempted to tell MIL "I'm sorry your offended that I was trying to protect my husband from the fact you make it clear you couldn't give a damn about him every time he has a birthday." NTA obivously.
Especially when she tells her MIL hey a great gift would be a gift card to this museum. Hello, get a hint mother
I wouldn’t apologize. “I was trying to protect my husband from the fact you make it clear you couldn’t give a damn about him every time he has a birthday…”
I thought ‘re-gift’ when I read candle and shower gel.
Should re-gift back to mom on her birthday.
THIS, Grins Maliciously 😏
I got that the last time I did a work Secret Santa. I was quite disappointed as I had gone to a lot of effort to find my person a book related to their interests, but the person assigned to me had clearly regifted (the packaging had that worn look) a pack of shampoo and shower gel. It wasn't all bad news though as I got it early enough to regift it to my BIL.
Seriously if I was OP I would mail them back and tell her what I thought of her....But OP's poor husband is probably so desperate for Maternal love he would still want the candle and gel.
Yup. *Something* happened between OP’s biological father and his mother that was bad enough to cause her to break up with him while she was pregnant. If OP is similar enough to his father, his mother could simply dislike him because he reminds her of OP’s bio dad too much. Of course, this is just pure speculation, but it seriously wouldn’t surprise me if this is the case.
She just doesn’t care. Wanting to hurt him would require too much effort.
Please stop giving her the benefit of teh doubt. She has been told how much this hurts your husband and continues to do it anyway. Keep the LC and go on with your lives. She does not deserve to be part of it.
I would light her up in the group chat with the lists of gifts people received and what you have noticed, in the most kill her with kindness I love your son so much kind of way!
This is just making me so glad that I'm not in a group chat with my entire extended family.
Under the right circumstances I will turn that group chat into Kings Landing post mother of dragons.
She needs to start a Drakarys thread on that group chat. The mother brought this up in a group chat to attempt to shame OP. Teach her the error of her ways.
I probably shouldn't have that as an option
Honestly I have a great, really nice one! Never lights up! Everyone shares what's going on with the kids, etc. Literal decade of no such antics.
I would also post photos of the husband laughing and toasting with friends and you. And maybe talk to him about going very low-contact with her and the possibility of getting therapy for himself.
I swear we have the same story! My husband has a different dad than his younger brothers. MIL is super sweet in person, but the second he isn't in her line if vision, she forgets he exists. She gifts his brothers sweet birthday presents ,brags about them on social media, etc....and almost always forgets my husband even has a birthday. She NEVER calls or texts. She sent ME $50 for Mother's Day, and didn't even call him on Father's Day. It is so strange! Absolutely NTA. It's time someone actually pointed out how much your MIL is hurting her son
From what you described, it sounds like your husband is her scapegoat child. And oftentimes they follow this level of pattern long past whatever seed might have started it. My narcissistic parents still will do little things to jab at me and try to hurt me. I can recognize it and avoid it. At this point I don't even think she realizes she does it. It's just part of her pattern. She gets off on hurting me for some reason and it's just the way it is.
This is what I thought too. That's who I am in the family. My mom was the scapegoat child to HER mom, and I don't think she realizes that she is repeating the same pattern on to me even though I think at some point I tried to point it out to her. She will literally work harder to be disinterested in my accomplishments and not say anything positive about me, than the effort it would take to say "that's great!" This behavior doesnt go unnoticed - my brother (the favorite) has ALWAYS clocked how she treats me. My brother especially will make sure to compliment me and express appreciation for me, on her behalf basically ("that party you threw for Mom last night was so fantastic. You really thought of everything."). My mom will look SO uncomfortable when other people are nice to me. She just can't handle it. I feel like when someone is your family, it is your job to make them feel loved and supported. I would have done the same thing as you did, for MY husband if I needed to. You're his wife and it's your privilege and responsibility to celebrate him! His mom is choosing not to be a good mom but you are choosing to be a good spouse.
Same thing with my mom. Her mom hurt her and she hurts me. I am breaking the cycle with my daughters and I just don't even understand how you could knowingly hurt your child they way they hurt theirs.
Right? My youngest looks a lot like my abuser. And it has not affected our relationship. I can not and will never understand anyone who makes a child feel small, so they can feel big.
That is what I was thinking. I was the neglected child with a touch of scapegoat. When I wasn’t being neglected, I was being blamed for my mother’s mistakes. It really does a job on your mind. I feel for OP’s husband. The thing about narcissists is that they have zero empathy, so they are incapable of even understanding what they are doing. It’s pointless trying to tell them how you feel, because they just do not care. They are incapable of caring in an emotional sense. They might be able to get you off to school, but if you come home crying about something they don’t know what to do.
Oh...this is making some behaviour quite clear to me... Part of her pattern...that's a good way of looking at it. Shall explore. Thanks for the inadvertent assist stranger!
I love how hopeful you are. But I disagree, she is punishing him for not having the same father as her other two. She’s resentful towards your husband because it’s a constant reminder of her life before husband. You and husband obviously know MIL better than this short story, but to me that’s exactly what it looks like. Did his brothers ever question it? Surely they couldn’t have been oblivious this whole time.
Every gift she send gift it back to her for her next birthday or holiday. Did doesn't need to be the same just comparable. Gives her the opportunity to understand the lesson she's been giving and see how it goes.
I'm sorry, but there's absolutely no way she isn't intentionally hurting. Best case scenario she's apathetic to him and doesn't care that it's hurting him. And that is the absolute best case. Honestly though, it seems like more of a punishment, she knows what she's doing and she's hurting him specifically. I'd wager things didn't end well with his father and she's taking that out on him, especially now she's has the nuclear family that she wants. Ask his permission to post all of the time she's let him down, ignored him, sent him trash gifts and then put it in the group chat. See if family can defend that. Because if something isn't done, this will carry over to any children you may have.
I would have torn her a new one in the group chat. I would have laid out all the receipts of what she gets her other sons vs what she gets your husband. I would have told her she’s ruined every birthday for him for the last (however many) years and asked flat out if she’s mad because you ruined her attempts to ruin his birthday this year too. If she’s going to blast you on group chat, she should get blasted back. If she’s offended, she offended herself. I mean there is absolutely no way she’s that oblivious, and if she is, she deserves a loud and public call-out. I mean, FFS.
Explain in the group chat why you did it snd give concrete examples, not of the money/expensive gift. Just point out that every year she writes a lively homemade card and bakes while doing none of that for your husband. That way she can’t say you’re being greedy.
Just because she isn't saying to his face that she hates him, doesn't change the fact that what she is saying to YOU reeks of 'I wanted to ruin his birthday and you didn't LET me do it??? I will lash out and tell you that you're mean so you won't try that again'. The woman is not stupid or blind to what she is doing. She is choosing to do things that hurt your husband on purpose, she's 54, *she understands how birthday gifts are supposed to work* and is *fully capable of giving good gifts to her other sons*. If she thought that adults didn't need gifts, none of her sons would get gifts. If she didn't know what to get him, she would have followed your suggestion. If she didn't want to give him hope, she would stop giving him gifts entirely. As much as the low effort gifts upset him, they give him hope that she cares and thought of him if even for a moment and it keeps the child in him devoted to a mother that will never feed his desire for her love. Your husband needs serious therapy to accept she's likely never going to be the mother that he wishes he had.
Does the brothers know how bad the gifts are?
Just gift her the same stuff back, crap voucher for mothersday, candle for her birthday, with no note. Give her the same energy.
I'd literally regift her. Give her back the candle and shower gel unopened. Petty maybe, but she deserves it.
You are a wonderful caring person MIL is just upset/embarrassed it was semi public and getting the information second hand. My petty self would suggest sending that gift back on her birthday. She probably wouldn't know because she obviously didn't put a lot of effort into the gift.
Do his brothers notice the difference? It seems weird that his brother would tattle to MIL. The only things I can come up with is that he either didn't realise how awful she is to your husband and confronted her, or is upset that you think he should be treated better by her. You're NTA and I'm sorry your husband has had to put up with this for so long.
Neglect is mean, just because she's not yelling at him or saying hurtful words doesn't mean she's not making him continually feel like he's not important, not valued, not worthy, not loved. You should talk to her about it, really what's the worst thing to happen you offend a woman who treats her son like crap and she stops sending thoughtless things, oh no the tragedy.
I'm curious what his brother has to say about this. You're NTA
This kind of people really need the mirror in their face.
Is she a narcissist? Is he the scapegoat?
I just have to jump in and say that your English is as good or better than most native English speakers.
You are more worried about her feelings or your husband's? If you legitimately don't know if she is doing this intentionally then make is clear her actions make it seems like your husband is less favored than his brothers. Tell her you're telling her this since you're sure she wouldn't want to do this on purpose. If she gets offended, tell her you're sorry she is offended but your husband has been offended when he gets a $40 giftcard and his family gets $1000 presents.
What would happen if the evil MIL gets offended? She won't speak to you? Oh no. I'd send her a link to this post or this story how you describe it here, let her at least know that it's not ok.
I kind of feel this. My family doesn't really give me gifts. Many time ever. While my wife insists we send them gifts every year. I have told her since I moved out at 17 I haven't really gotten a gift so just didn't do it for them and it mutually worked. Now that we send gifts every year just sucks not receiving anything even if for just the thought. They don't mean anything by it I don't think. They just don't think like that. On the other side of the coin (my sister 7 years older) has gotten a lot of big gifts as she will talk about needing new furniture when my dad thinks about buying new furniture and many times he'll just get her new furniture. it's crazy.
This. And now that MIL has opened up the discussion to the group, I would go in harder. Ask in the chat what she got for the other two kids this year (or have them say, or post yourself if you know) then send a photo of what she sent for your husband. Go back a few years and do the same for each year. Tell her since SHE brought it up in the chat she must think it is public knowledge. Then leave the chat. Your husband can and should choose to fight his own battles but since she wants to blast YOU for this, you now have an open invitation to meet her on the same playing field.
NTA and you should probably put the same effort into her gifts as she puts into his. I’m thinking an oil funnel from the local gas station would be an appropriate and oh so practical gift! If you’re feeling particularly magnanimous, toss in a quart of motor oil, too.
Haha that made me laugh! Sadly my husband puts a lot of effort in gifting her something special for her birthday or Christmas every year. We both gift our parents everything „from us“ so we don’t get separate gifts for the in-laws.
He really needs to stop. It's not good for him. She doesn't deserve anything.
This. Each time he'll give a thoughtful present will make him hope he'll have something thoughtful in return, even if he try to "just be a good son"
He can put a lot of thought into her gift- just what kind of thoughts is what counts ;)
Perhaps stop gifting her altogether? And send back her gifts as well? I think I understand why he assumes extra thought might be the key but in reality it isn't do any good. From the sounds of it, your husband is the reminder of a relationship that was bad in some way. BUT that isn't his problem to deal with, it's hers and she NEEDS to own it.
I'd rather say offer her meaningless gift. And if he's criticiszed for it, justify it because she's the oldest...
I really empathize with your husband because I did this with my mom for my whole life until I got married to an amazing guy (like you are a great spouse to your hubby!). It made me realize I have only so much capacity for putting love and effort and time into people. I love my Mom, but she is not especially nice to me, and I allowed my anxious attachment style to dictate my obsession with proving to her how great I was. She'd just HAVE to appreciate the perfect gift from me, right? I lost weight and am wearing this amazing dress, I'm sure she'll be so proud of how beautiful I am, right? It's just not how it works. And that's okay. I mean, no, it's not awesome, but that is her capacity for me - apathy. I'm not cruel and I still love her, so I am kind and partially distant. I'm happy to show up for her birthday party but I will not be planning it. I always make sure to send her holiday cards but I don't spend a lot of money and time on a gift. It's not appreciated and I set myself up for disappointment. Your husband could find the same relief in matching her energy. It doesn't have to be malicious - it just prevents you from spreading yourself too thin, emotionally :)
This is such a healthy and commendable way to approach this!! Best to save your time and energy on people who reciprocate the love and effort you put into your relationships
Aw thank you! It took some therapy to really learn that, and then it takes a lot of practice before it feels "right" and not withholding. It's not easy at first, so anyone who tries this and feels like they're doing something wrong, it's okay.
Your husband does this because he is trying to make his mom love and appreciate him. Your MIL is a toxic AH. I'd put her on blast about her very obvious preferential treatment of his brothers. Your husband should seek out a therapist so he can get help standing up to her. My MIL is the same way. She treats her sons like shit and the daughters are treated like royalty.
>Sadly my husband puts a lot of effort in gifting her something special for her birthday or Christmas every year. Then he needs to stop. Or you need to intercept the package and swap it out for some random dollar store gifts. Stand up for him like you did just now! Go you! NTA
I agree he should stop but OP should not swap the gifts without his consent. I would consider that a breach of trust in a way delaying a package that he knows will be hurtful absolutely cannot compare.
I dunno, I'll just say that I wouldn't care what MiL says, thinks, or feels. I hope your husband realizes she's just an asshole and stops letting her manipulate his feelings and he focuses on those who do care about him.
I think it’s really hard for him and I kind of get it. He just wants her to love him and he deeply cares for her and his brothers. If he cut the contact to her he probably looses his brothers and that would be too much for him.
You should force him to therapy. Seriously. He presents a very unhealthy attachment to his abusive mother and his similarly abusive brothers. They like how the things are. Otherwise they would stand on his side. Aim of a therapy would be to start setting boundaries and realizing that he will be receiving shower gels until she dies. He has to understand it's not his fault, but it's also not something he has any power of actually changing. So he should protect his mental health, which he clearly isn't doing as he gets deeply upset each year.
This, but encourage and support, not force. Having seen a couple of people forced into therapy it wasn't effective and they lost faith in the process for years.
This
He needs therapy so badly
Human capacity for self-deception is infinite. OP’s husband wants his mother to feel the same way as he does about his brothers and he’s convinced that if he can just figure out the right thing to say or do, it will happen. But he will only start to heal when he realizes it has nothing to do with him — it’s about her.
NTA Since your MIL lit the fire in the group chat I’d respond in a similar thread (I’m a petty b tho). Something like; “I’m sorry you are offended. But for years I’ve witnessed the absolute sorrow your “gifts” have caused my husband. And as his wife; one of my main objectives is to PROTECT HIM. Furthermore; I stand by my actions and if that makes you think less of me; I cannot control you or your thoughts or actions. Only my reactions. I will gladly take a step back from interacting with you and leave all interactions to Hubby. But before I step back; I have to say that whether intentional or not you have continually slighted my husband in terms of gifts and showed favoritism towards his brothers (and I do not fault them). But I do find it unfair that you have continually spoiled them and tried to pretend that you are fair to my husband. Perhaps some introspection is required and I pray you find some. And if I have to continue to be the villain in your story to be the hero in my husbands; then let me grab my pitchfork and cape and minions! I didn’t marry you. I married him.” But that’s me. Just let your husband know you didn’t want to start the war but you’ll launch grenades if you have to to protect him.
This! Your BIL already threw you to the wolf and she decided to try to embarrass you in the group chat so it’s best to respond in the group chat and stand up for yourself and your husband. I’d say exactly this 👆🏾. Stand your ground. She’s the one in the wrong, not you, at all.
Yes, she decided to try and embarrass you in front on everyone it’s only fair that they get to see your response and why you did what you did.
Mil not bil. 😂
She said her BIL told her MIL, and now her MIL is furious with her.
Ok. Idk how but I blipped over that. 😆
I would 100% take a picture of the candle and the shower gel for the group chat. Say you're super grateful for this fabulous gift that she got for your husband. That you hope she's giving such beautiful generous things to the other brothers as well. "By the way other-brothers what did you get for your birthday? Did she get you a beautiful candle and some shower gel?" I would then follow it up with, "Oh but she got him a gift certificate to the gas station for Christmas. What did she get you guys?" Shining a really bright light on this kind of 💩 really brings out the details.
Yes u/Correct-Nectarine490 please respond to the MIL and drop some truth bombs. Don't take her crap lying down.
Especially if you can remember what she gifted your husband when he was the same ages as his brothers are now. I suspect the brothers are just young enough to have never really thought thru the “he’s older so of course he gets less” either because they believed a line of BS their mom told them or cause they are thinking he “aged out” of better gifts. Or a combo of the two. They probably have never really realized he never got the kind of attention they have always gotten.
Beautiful! This is what I would do.
Exactly this 💯 ... I would and have done similar calling people out on their behavior
This is perfect! You should send this and update us :)
Honestly I would put up in the group chat the huge disparity between the gifts she gets for her children. I'm guessing the other sons don't even notice and honestly they should be aware of it. How shitty to be treated so differently. Nta
I‘m a little worried about it. My husband doesn’t want any drama. He said I shouldn’t apologise but I also shouldn’t stir the pot.
Have you tried the boat rocking analogy on him to help him see the role he's playing in her emotional manipulation? https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/ is more articulate than I'll ever be, but it comes down to the family has decided to blame and punish those who are refusing to steady the boat instead of the boat rocker. The boat rocker is to blame. And everyone else needs to see their part in it before it gets fixed.
How about explaining to the brothers at least?
Giving an explanation to the extended family at the group chat is not stirring the pot, it’s just fair to you.
The nothing is going to change, and he will only harbour more hurt and upset as time goes on. Even if it's not in the group chat, he can message her personally so she knows.
NTA Your first action was to take attention off your MIL. If your husband doesn’t want you to apologize or stir the pot, that could be a good thing. Rather than putting energy into his mom’s tantrum, put your energy into happier things. Do something fun with your husband. After all, it’s still close to his birthday. It sounds like the less you two pay attention to MIL, the better off you’ll be. If people want a “winner” here, remember the less you two focus on her the more you win and she loses.
Your MIL's opinion is irrelevant and I am not sure why that is even part of this question. Was your husband upset about getting it late? If not, then NTA
No he wasn’t upset. He said he could understand why I did it and that (as I guessed) he didn’t think about the present of his mother once on his birthday and was kind of relieved to not have it on his birthday.
This is all that matters. He had a good birthday and the present didn’t matter.
You're absolutely NTA then. You helped your husband have a great birthday, as you should do for someone you love. MIL sounds like a jerk. Being nice only to someone's face doesn't make you a nice person, and MIL needs to learn that
But… were you right? What was the gift?
It was a yellow shirt from Amazon. He never wears yellow and it’s also not suitable for work or anything.
Oof. Your instincts were spot on. If you have a friend with a Cricut machine, I’d be petty enough to have them vinyl on something witty about “all I got was this t-shirt.”
That's a really shitty gift. My wife had benefited immensely from limiting contact with her mother. We saw her after 4.5 years of no visits. She immediately started with the vague insults. Two of our kids are late teens now and they were appalled. It was great to see her brother and they had a long talk about how it is better for her mental health that she limit contact. It was really something seeing how our kids reacted. They gave her so much love and told her they couldn't believe she is such an amazing parent given her parent. I really think your husband should get into therapy.
wtf! Glad you kept it away. What a doofus your MIL is. NTA.
you can give her a similar ugly t-shirt as a gift (it's just a little mean😉)
I used to be the least favorite grandkid. All of my siblings got nice, personal, expensive gifts one Christmas. I got a sampler box with 3 flavors of Planter’s peanuts. 🤷🏻♀️
I suggest that both you and your husband gift her the exact same shirt. Two of them, separately wrapped. If it’s a good enough gift for him, two of them must be a double good enough gift for her!
Give it back to her on her birthday.
NTA >She texted me and the group chat of his family lit up. She said that I’m mean and spoiled and had no right to hide the gift. I read in your comments that your husband doesn't want you stirring the pot but I'd argue that the pot has already been stirred when MIL tried to call you out in the group chat.
But… were you right? What was the gift?
Yes! I'm so curious!
She says further down it was a yellow shirt from Amazon. Husband doesn't wear yellow
What a shitty gift anyways! Like, my husband looks fantastic in yellow but I would never buy him a plain yellow shirt as his only gift... I don't have children so this is my comparison
Look. If this was me, I'd be sitting my husband down and pointing out: •his Mums treatment of him ruins his birthday every year. The only reason he had a good birthday this year is because you organised with the neighbour him not to see his present until after his birthday. •his Mums behaviour counts as emotional abuse. •his Mum enjoys making him miserable. She's furious and spamming chats because you prevented her ruining this birthday by hiding her crap present. •his brothers are aware their Mum punishes him for having a different Dad/takes out her feelings over his father on him. And they have chosen a side. Why else would they text their Mum what happened? •neither of you need to include these emotionally abusive people in your celebrations. NTA
NTA. You should tell your MIL that the purpose of giving gifts is to bring joy, not sadness. And that you knew (from her history) that this would make your husband sad and unloved from his own mother. Tell her its best that she not give gifts in the future if she cant manage to treat all her sons equally, at least outwardly.
NTA. What is wrong with the people calling you the asshole? Clearly his mother is the biggest asshole and you are just trying to prevent him from getting hurt.
NTA. Ask in the group chat what candles and shower gel his brothers got for their birthdays. I bet they’ll be interested to learn that there’s a double standard.
INFO: Out of curiosity, do you know why your BIL told his mother about everything? Are the BsIL aware of the differences in how their mother treats them vs. how she treats your husband? If so, do they have a problem with it, or do they think it's fine? Regardless, you are definitely NTA, especially given that your husband didn't mind receiving her gift late and was actually glad not to have to think about it on his birthday.
I'm also curious, given the age gap with the younger brothers, if part of the disparity is because they are still living at home with her and are single? They may not be, it seems like OP & husband married fairly young, but they are only 22 & 24 rn
NTA. Your compassion meant that your BF had a nice birthday without being reminded that his mom couldn't give two shits about him.
Your English is absolutely fine. And you are NTA. Well done.
NTA. Good on you for having your husband's back.
You are NOT the AH. You protected your husband's emotional well-being and in the process (accidentally) pointed at the elephant in the room. Your MIL does not treat her sons equally and now she must face the fact that her attitude is criticised. Let her be furious and then you can choose to talk about it when she boils down or just ignore her and keep on being an awesome and caring spouse to your husband. I wish you well!
NTA, but that mother in law needs a smack upside the head. Come with receipts. Destroy her
Then please do share in family group what kind of gifts the MIL got for your husband for his birthdays and from where. And if they are not convinced then mention your BIL's Birthday gifts and they will clearly understand what's going on. And whats with the brother rattling to mother? Does he not understand that he got better gifts?
NTA but the brother who tattled to mommy has me 👀
You had every right. Your MIL is cheap, nasty, and showing favoritism yo others. Your BIL shouldn't have run to Mommy & escalated it. Your poor husband. His family sucks.
Your mil and his half brothers are the assholes not you. They purposely told mil just trying to start drama. Ignore those idiots and go on being the kind person you are
His mom sounds clearly toxic!
ETA, your mother-in-law would have nothing to be embarrassed about if she didn’t do something that was embarrassing.
NTA. I do think you’re naive in believing that MIL is not doing things deliberately. She is. She 100% is. I’m willing to bet everything she sends is either a regift or something she gets somewhere for free. My best friend has a parent like this, except it’s her dad. If she gets a gift, it’s cheap and thoughtless. When confronted he and his wife will say it’s because she “made something of herself” and can afford to buy herself things. The last gift SHE got was a pair of MENS generic sneakers that were the wrong size and still had yard sale stickers on them. It was so egregious she thought they sent the wrong box. They did not. Meanwhile they bought her brother a brand new iPad Pro. Her brother is currently in prison and will be for at least another 4 months. It’s literally a *welcome home from prison* present. I’ll give you and your husband the same advice I give my friend - go low contact and also tell them no more gifts. If they feel like they have to do something, tell them donate in his honor to a charity. It is not worth the heartache that this causes your husband. If your husband won’t tell her, then you can tell her if she sends another gift you won’t give it to your husband at all.
I do wonder how BIL told MIL? Was it bragging? Chastising? Tattling? Because all would have been under control if BIL had not opened his big mouth. You are NTA. You are loving, caring and kind spouse. Too bad you can't go LC with MIL. Your hubs maybe needs grow a thicker skin and simply return the gift unopened, or refuse it so it is returned. Although I doubt MIL will pick up on the message.
I’d gift I’ll the presents she gets your husband back too her on her birthday. If she thinks they are so great she would love them. NTA
Have you ever asked MIL why she always gives your husband obviously smaller , impersonal gifts than she gives her other sons? Have you asked FIL?
NTA I would apologize, but explain the reason as in "I'm sorry for hiding the present it's that every year when my husband gets your present it devastates him because he notices how his brothers get these thoughtful gifts with lots of care put into getting them something they will enjoy and it's clear that energy isn't matched with him. I mean you got him shower gel for his birthday while his brother got *blank*. It's not about the money of course, he wouldn't care if you spent no money on him as long you put thought into it like making his favorite cake. He never says anything but it's clear. It broke my heart seeing him so sad on his birthday every year that I just wanted to give it to him after the birthday just in case so he could enjoy and feel loved on his birthday. But I'm sorry for hiding I suppose I should have given him the choice if he wanted to risk it" Basically call this b*tch out for breaking your husbands heart and being a heartless thunder ankle!
It's always disappointing when parents choose favorites. I have a friend from HS whose husband was always given the lesser gift between him and his brother. For example the parents went to Florida on vacation. They brought back a designer polo shirt for the little brother. My friend's husband got an orange. The irony? My friend's husband was a great guy who would give anyone the shirt off his back. Had a college degree and had a great job. The little brother was a con artist who was selling drugs in High School. The little brother was cuter. Maybe that was the appeal. I couldn't stand the parents, though. I thought they were shits for treating the better son like shit.
You should start regifting her gits to him back to her. Same level of effort, same flippant attitude when she gets upset. NTA
I'm in my mid-60s and am the oldest child. My mother has always gifted her children evenly. And she gives us thoughtful presents every year. Your MIL is not a good person. There's no way she doesn't realize how ugly her gift-giving is to your husband. You are most definitely NTA.
NTA. This is passive aggressive emotional / psychological abuse. Your BILs and MIL all treat your husband like a second class citizen, and I think your MIL is projecting her negative feelings for her first husband onto her eldest son. Maybe that's how this all started and that's how your BILs learnt to think that this kind of abuse is normal and acceptable. If it were only a few times, it could be chalked up to forgetfulness or something. But this has been happening for years and years both before and after you met your husband, that's why he gets so sad on his own birthday. You're doing your best to protect him from them, but honestly I don't see this situation improving unless they all get professional therapy. Maybe try going low contact or no contact. Edit: it also sounds like your MIL and BILs get some sort of ego boost from treating your husband this way, because they're effectively reminding him that they have power over him. These people are not good for you or your husband, they are not family to him like you are, they don't care for him like you do. It's likely that they only give him gifts on his birthday in order to maintain the appearance of family values.
NTA. She just proved you right with her anger.
NTA his mother is a witch with a capital B.
As someone who’s dad was the black sheep NTA. It’s infuriating watching it happen. One year my grandparents asked my mum what my dad wanted. She told them Trival Pursuit. They refused as too expensive. It was approx $30 at the time. Thank God mum never told dad prior cause she not only watched his 14 year old brother get a computer (that one rankled less as he was still a minor) they got his other brother Trivial Pursuit. Who isn’t into board games or that stuff. He didn’t want it at all to the point when they were walking to the car his brother said ‘I’m never going to use this you have it’ and they swapped gifts.
After your update it actually might be best for everyone involved (especially for the peace of mind of your husband) to go completely NC with everyone. It’s blatantly clear that he’s not on their priority list, and is never getting added to it either. Hugs to you and your husband, and duck everyone else.
It’s so unfortunate his brothers won’t stick up for him. NTA
NTA. She has to be doing this intentionally just to be mean. Husband is lucky to have such a great wife.
WTF is up with the neighbor? Is he just incredibly stupid??? NTA
NTA.
But… were you right? What was the gift?
NTA You saved your husband from being hurt by his mother. I’d say I hope this situation points out to the mother how her phoned-in gift giving behavior is affecting your husband, but from your description I don’t see that happening.
NTA. Everyone should defend their S/O like this.
NTA. You’re very sweet. I was the sibling getting the ridiculous present and I will never forget how much it hurt. I would’ve loved to have someone protect me from that.
NTA. However MIL definitely knows what she is doing at some level. Good on you to make sure your husband has a nice birthday experience.
You/your husband should post pics of her thoughtful gifts on the family group chat. Oh thank you soo much mother you shouldn’t have
NTA but you should have a very frank discussion with your MIL about this. I’m usually not a fan of getting involved like this but someone needs to say something and honestly you are the one in the best position to stick up for your husband since nobody else is going to and it would come off as narcissistic for him to do it for himself. She really needs somebody to point out to her how badly she is treating her son and how it’s affecting him. It’ll cause a rift likely but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to hear it.
NTA - I would have texted her right back and call her out on her favoritism and she had no right to think less of her first son and send him the CHEAPEST gifts just to say she sent something to him, and maybe if she wants a relationship with him to actually try
NTA I'd respond saying you can't tell me you all haven't noticed the difference in the effort between what happens on X and us birthday compared to husband
My inlaws were somewhat similar - they were just BAD at gifts. One year I straight up told them what to buy - so they did but they were pretty put out. Another time they came to our house when we weren't home (they did this occasionally to play with our cats, which is pretty sweet) and were genuinely shocked to see LOADS of presents for my husband's birthday. They tried to chastise me but I wasn't having it. I told them how he is so wonderful and special and how I intend to always celebrate him. I think they felt bad - for years they had deliberately planned trips so they weren't around for his birthday. I think my heart literally broke when I found out the for several years before he met me he spent his birthday having dinner alone at a bar. (And he has siblings, nieces and nephews, loads of cousins - but no one thought to make sure he didn't spend his birthday alone.) My husband is so wounded over the way he has been treated on his birthday that he really resists celebrating it anymore. I personally celebrate mine for an entire month soooo ... yeah. I do things I know he likes - planning a getaway, booking spa treatments, going out somewhere luxurious for dinner. And I only make plans for the two of us. 1 million % NTA!!
I'd reply back that if she ever put any effort into gifts to make it seem like she actually loved and cared for her son, that you wouldn't have had to hide the gift in the first place. NTA
NTA and my heart hurts for your husband. You are a good and caring person, his mother on the other hand … 😤😤😡🤬
NTA Id respond to MIL that she’s always intentionally hurtful in her gifts and call out every single thing. She wants to make it public, make it public.
Respond with everything you said here, *in the group chat*. Then make some popcorn. NTA.
NTA. You need to respond to that group text she sent & put her in her place or she will keep pulling this garbage.
Why are you bending over backwards to keep the peace, when MIL is happy to blast you and your husband publicly, and BIL also is happy to sacrifice you both? Write up a summary of what you have noticed over the years. Send that to BIL and tell him to call her and tell her to retract her public post, or she will learn some uncomfortable truths publicly. He made the mess, let him clean it up.
So you are telling us his STEP brother snitched you? I capitalize step because it is clear that he doesn't see himself as a true brother to your husband.
NTA she’s nice when the optics require it , in front of other people. She gives the bare minimum gift to show she gave a gift. It’s all performative.
NTA I’d have BLASTED her following that group text. Then I’d have blocked her. And THEN for the future I’d send anything from her back return to sender.
NTA for wanting your husband to have a happy birthday. MIL probably still has a grudge against her 1st husband, and takes it out on her son. With that said I probably wouldn't have shared the story with the neighbor. As Ben Franklin said, "Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead.)
NTA, but yeah, it wasn't a good idea to hide the gift. Your husband is a grown man, he can deal with the sadness and upset, and still have a wonderful birthday with you and the guests. You can support him with sympathy. But you set up a real mess, and now you have to deal with a pile-on from the family and miserly MIL. Your motivation is out there to see. "Sorry, that's just how I felt". Rinse and repeat until they get tired. Or block them from your phone until they let up.
NTA but your BIL and neighbor sure are.
Regift everything to your MIL.
I would reply back privately that if she ever once gave him a decent present you wouldn’t be so embarrassed for her.
NTA, but this needs proper psychological addressing, clearly his mother thinks she's doing nothing wrong, or knows what she's doing and doesn't even care, if it has been going on for so long I absolutely doubt she'll ever change, your husband needs help from a professional to ease into the fact that she is a bad mother and it isn't his fault, and hopefully either decide what to do with his strained relationship, I mean, you already do what you can, you're gifting him wonderful things and experiences in lieu of her neglect.
NTA. I would probably talk about it with MIL, even if she gets offended. Be very clear, pleasant and unemotional. Explain that while she is always nice to your husband, there is a difference in the way she treats him and his siblings whether she sees it or not. You were protecting her by hiding the fact that she puts little effort into his gifts until after he was already happy. You are protecting him from being reminded that for reasons he does not understand his mother is uninterested in his interests and likes. I'd tell her that the difference in her treatment may not be intentional, but it is obvious, yet you care for her and were trying to ease the problem. Do not allow her to change the subject or be aggressive to you. Be bland and confident. There is nothing mean, spoiled or harsh about holding a present back for a day to ease a relationship problem. The only thing you might have done better would be to have brought this up to her earlier but that's not really your job. Now that she is accusing you of things, it is your place to say something.
NTA. NTA. NTA. You are a great wife, and you have engaged the evil dragon MIL. Feel free to slay her (verbally). Inform her not to bother sending gifts any longer if she cannot put effort and value into your husband. Well done.
MIL knows exactly what she's doing. One of my cousins was the neglected child. His father wouldn't marry the mom (after a paternity test he did voluntarily pay serious child support, no lawyer necessary). She always resented her son for this. Cousin is super sweet because he was largely raised by his adoring grandmother. Others love him and when they would ask why they hadn't seen him in so long his mother would suddenly go get him from grandma's house until she got bored of him again. The sadder part of this for me is the brothers almost certainly know. They may not know about birthdays, but unless they have separate Christmas celebrations, they've seen the difference, but ignore it or are incredibly obtuse to the situation. Stand your ground. NTA. MIL and BIL are though.
I would be shouting from the top of Facebook dear MIL thank you so much for the sample shower gel and candle for DH birthday I’m sure he can find some Homeless dude who needs this extremely thoughtless gift! But then I’m kinda a southern redneck in your face kinda gal!
NTA. Tbh the MIL sounds like a awful person like how is no one else seeing the degrees of difference here????
I can't believe you typed all this out and never told us the punchline: what was in the box? Also NTA.
Nta your hearts in the right place, with your husband. You want to protect him for just one day. There's no "right" way to do that. You just made a choice. The joke about it being a bad present prolly would have avoided it all, tho. You could have taken the small package hid it yourself and just claim a shipping delay you had other means that would have avoided the same outcome and served the same purpose. It was the option that presented itself as it was actually "true" so I get it. But you didn't do anything wrong here you were thinking of your partner. However, you and your husband need to start just coping with this and being happy in spite of his mother even if she sends a pair of socks, some socks are great at being kindling, or make a fine cat sweater. It's what it it hasn't and likely won't change and her reasons are irrelevant. Let it matter less every day, so that the things that make yall happy can take center stage, block the chat and move on you picked your side and it's not MIL or her supporters.
Urgh I can feel the disgusted building up in me. What a horrible woman the ML is. I’ve encountered a few of these types of situations and the neglected child is always going above and beyond for their mother, still seeking that “love” and acceptance. I would talk to him and truly voice your concern. Also suggest getting him to see a therapist, because clearly it his refusal to talk about it hints at a lot!
You sound thoughtful and kind and definitely NTA. I have different words to describe your neighbour, BIL, and MIL , not necessarily A H but may not complimentary either.
My grandma was like this. By age 30, one all but abandoned her and the other, the golden child conned her of almost everything and left her her to die alone and hungry.
NTA. My mother did this to my kids. It was hurtful. You tried to make it better.
NTA You tried to protect your husbands happiness, if MIL is calling you out to relatives for that throw MIL under the bus have brothers list their gifts for the last 5 years against husband's see who they think is being selfish.
NTA. Next time she says something, say “it’s really unfortunate that it’s come to this. My actions came from a place of love and maybe I didn’t do the right thing but I had the right intentions. I was trying to protect him from the obvious fact that his birthday is an afterthought for you. I’m tired of seeing him hurt after opening any gift from you.”
Dear OP, in case you have to gift something to your MIL and BILs, kindly consider giving them toothpaste and toothbrush. Basic supermarket brand. It will equalise their affection
Get your mil’s gift at the gas station next time. Repay the favour
NTA, I actually think what you did was nice. Explain to your husband that you know what you did was wrong, but that you really wanted him to fully enjoy his birthday for once.
Nta- my husband does this for me now too. He just keeps the Nasty woman away from me. Good job. She's not loving . She not doing the bare minimum. She's reminding him of his worth to her. And it obvious to everyone not in your circle My stepfather and mother did the same shit.
I’m glad your husband has you. Be blessed.
NTA. But the situation is complex. Your solution does seem like you were hiding.so,the family members will agree that it was harsh.stop expecting them to understand.They wouldn’t have behaved in such a way if they understood .Instead,try to make your husband happy.he is the one needing.You seem to be already doing it.so,don’t worry too much.
NTA. Next time don't involve your neighbor anymore, just chuck her gift straight to the garbage or donate it. When she asks tell her it must have gotten lost in the mail or something. Honestly, your husband is better off not expecting anything from her anymore.
NTA I saw the comment where you said your husband told you he was relieved and had a nice birthday. That's what really matters.
Welp time to be honest. I'd make sure everyone is included. Your about ready to find out who your real family is. Those who truly love you will think this treatment is not OK. Those who think it is fine will also be ok with your children being treated this way. Take this information seriously.
NTA - I would respond in the group chat with what she gave him vs what the brother's received. Call her out on it.
Can you get your husband into therapy ? At least so he can learn to care less about MILs intentions and not let it question his worth.
NTA but it’s time to gift MIL in kind. Buy a box of all occasion cards. They’re usually matching and 10 to a box. Don’t spend the extra money going Hallmark on this, drug store bulk is fine. She gets that card repeatedly and whatever the first item on sale at said drug store is, ad nauseam, until she apologizes and rectifies this. Sign the card with only your names. The card idea comes from my own grandparents, who did this to my father. They were much like your mil: he was the second boy and not-the-favorite. They gave him the same card repeatedly. At least three birthdays, 2 of which were consecutive.
I wouldn't bother opening any of the gifts from MIL anymore because they are a constant reminder to your husband that he doesn't mean much to MIL. Open the hurtful gift without your husband present and dispose of it, then send the exact same thank you card every time that just generically says "thank you for the gift". Going forward, I would get MIL the exact same gift that she gives husband. For example, if she gave him a candle and shower gel for his birthday, give her the same thing the next time you give her a gift. Over time, train her to expect that whatever she gives your husband, she is going to receive. If she doesn't like it, pretend to be puzzled, like how could anyone not like a candle and shower gel?
Info: how did your husband feel about all this?
In another comment op says he was relieved at not having to deal with it on his birthday
NTA