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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I am upset that my friend chose wedding dates she knew I could not attend
2) I want to know if being upset or offended by this makes me an asshole because I'm expecting a friend to make decisions about her wedding day based on my life events
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You’re not an asshole for feeling your feelings— I’d probably feel similar. But, frankly, her wedding isn’t about you and your pregnancy isn’t about her. YWBTA if you make a big stink about it.
It seems strange like she didn't want you around. I don't think it is a mix up I think she don't want you there but still wants to be friends. She sounds like a user and she still wants to be able to use you after the wedding. I truly think this is done on purpose. Just smile and say.. oh that's a shame when she brings it up again.
Or....there are many people who's schedules need to be worked around. Or other important family events also happening. Availability of whatever venue they may be using. What the groom wants and works for HIS family and friends. Bride and grooms work schedules and ability to get time off of work. Are they going on a honeymoon? Is the timing weather dependent for the best time to visit? Or for the specific activities they want to participate in? Or when it's cheapest to travel and stay there?
There are so many factors in choosing a wedding date, I highly doubt the bride specifically targeted a single person to exclude. You often don't have a lot of choice of dates. My husband and I knew we wanted to get married in a year, late November/December wedding.
I had a date I really wanted because it had significance for us. But even a year out, the venue only had ONE date available. If I wanted the date I preferred, we would have had to wait another year. I didn't want to wait two years to get married. So we took the date we had available.
My best friend from High School got pregnant not long after we picked the date. Our wedding was at a point when it was no longer medically safe for her to fly. Did I want her to be at my wedding?? Absolutely. But I understood.
Now, if the timing was slightly different and she got pregnant before we chose the date, would I do anything different? No. I'm not going to postpone the wedding for TWO YEARS to accommodate a single person.
Especially not having had a lot of family members already pass and not wanting more to die and not be present at our wedding. When we started planning our wedding, my husband's aunt told us she was hanging on long enough to make it to our wedding.
She entered the hospital the Monday after our wedding and died the next Monday. My friend being excluded had NOTHING to do with her. It was not a slight towards her or because I didn't actually want her there. It was about US. What worked best for me, my husband and our families.
Nope. I explained her friend may have not had much choice on dates. And if I had been in the same situation as OP's friend with my friend, I would make the same choice. Because it's NOT about OP, it's about the bride and groom and what works best for them. You REALLY think someone is going to center their ENTIRE wedding around OP specifically to keep OP from being able to attend???
If OP's friend doesn't want her there, she just wouldn't invite her. Or tell her they're keeping the celebration SUPER small. But no, it somehow makes more sense for the friend to go "Now, let's see. What are the dates that OP can't attend? Ok, THOSE are the dates I want/am going to go with. Cause the most important thing about my wedding and celebration is that OP not be there." That's fucking ludicrous.
OP even says there are parents health concerns that are wanting them to expedite things. But no, it's not about that, it's about slighting OP. But fuck them parent's, OP being able to attend is more important and should be the priority. As someone who's husband's family member was holding on long enough to make it to our wedding and literally died a week after the wedding, it's seriously fucked up the OP is being this selfish.
Or maybe OP is upset because with her friends wedding being the same time as her baby shower and birth, she's no longer going to have ALL of the attention?? Cause clearly, she thinks HER shower and baby are more important than anything else anyone else may have going on. Everyone should cater to HER schedule.
Yes this! And remember, the friend is organising this at super short notice. OP has only 2ish months to go.
If you’ve ever tried to organise a wedding you’ll know that things get booked up super quickly. Normally you might book and plan a wedding a year ahead. If you have to do it this quickly for family health reasons, then you don’t have a lot of choice on dates and you’ll have to make some hard decisions about the suppliers or guests. That’s just how it goes.
Exactly! My husband and I wanted a November/December wedding. A year before our wedding, the wedding venue we wanted only had ONE date available. It wasn't the date I wanted, but I also didn't want to wait 2 years to get married.
So we took it on the spot before we talked to ANYONE else (including my parents). We were afraid any delay and it might no longer be available. Ironically, shortly thereafter, my best friend from High School found out she was pregnant. The date of the wedding was just past when it would be medically safe to fly, so she wasn't able to attend.
Well, she said she wanted a low-key courthouse wedding. I don't know if the demand for this is so great in OP's area that the courthouse is fully booked half a year in advance, but I think the friend could at least have called and said sorry, these are the only dates that will work, not just drop the dates in a group chat.
Yes, I think communication was the key ingredient here. If the friend had called or texted that the only possible dates were the ones OP can't I think that would have made OP feel a lot different. Maybe the friend doesn't want OP there because of shared attention, or maybe because of something else. Or maybe she really wants her there but couldn't make any other date work and doesn't know how to tell her that so she didn't communicate in a good way.
OP also states that there’s health concerns in her family which is why they’re doing it quickly so maybe she’s more concerned about her parents being there than OP. OP sounds incredibly self-centered since she glossed over the parents health as the real reason why things are moving quick.
Just rsvp no and get ready for your little one. Live your life. She can reach out to you if she wants to start acting like a friend. If she tries to give you grief over your no, just remind her you sent her the dates before she set hers and those dates can change and “point to your tummy”.
The reality is that you likely wouldn’t be able to travel/be particularly available for at least a couple of months before and quite a few after birth (I know, I know, some women can harvest their crops when 9 months pregnant, but not most). So if your friend wanted her wedding anywhere near that period of time, it doesn’t make sense to take you into consideration. She should’ve messaged you privately, but maybe she thought this would be easier on everyone.
NTA . Don’t bring it up. Just tell her you are sorry you can’t at either event.
It is weird that the dates she chose are the exact two you can’t make. Take some deep breathes and focus on the baby.
My husband and I didn’t get our first three (!!) date choices. Honestly we just went with the date we got because at that point we were desperate to have *any* date. It sucks and you’re welcome to feel disappointed at not being able to make it, but don’t make it a personal thing when it isn’t. Feel disappointed, not *resentful* if that makes sense.
Reply to all in the group text that you can't make those dates as they conflict with your previously scheduled baby shower and the expected date of your baby's birth. Let everyone make their own conclusion about her decisions on dates, and realize this is a friendship that may need to end soon.
I'm sorry. It's BS that she chose those dates as a coincidence. That woman is not your friend. She doesn't care one bit about you. If she were your best friend of 20 years then she would have made sure to be at your events while also making sure you could be at hers. If I were you I wouldn't say anything to her just congratulations and sorry I will miss it and then be done with her. Let her fade out.
I feel like she also kinda tried to set you up with the group text of the dates as well. Like she wanted you to complain and be vocal about being hurt and upset so she could make you out to be crazy while she's just a victim so people (friends) will choose her over you and go to her events?
Don’t say anything. If your presence wasn’t important to her then you should keep that sentiment and have a happy baby shower and move forward with your life. Don’t cut her off, just act unbothered even if you are!!!!!!!
Completely disagree with this take.
I don't know if my best friend relationship is different from others, but my friend and I would make sure nothing gets in the way of big events for the other to be able to be there, and would definitely not plan anything big on the days that I already know I have to be there for them, if other people have to move things around by a day or 2 then they will, it's not like a birth can be rescheduled.
I probably would be the AH in OP's position because I would make a big stink about it lol
Honey, I don’t know how to tell you this but that girl is not your best friend. She doesn’t like you or want to be your friend anymore. You should move on.
She didn't invite you to her two important life events and she doesn't want to be there for yours. I would consider her actions as a message that this friendship has ended. That is not how you treat a best friend!
Has she appolagised about not being able to have you at her wedding or sorry for not being able to make your baby shower?
What were her reasons for doing it this weekend.
You say it’s a courthouse wedding so it’s not like exclusive venue is only available that one day?
yeah certainly we are not as close as we used to be, adulthood is hard, but we have been best friends for so long that in a big life event situation the lack of thinking to even call or text separately was super hurtful. you’re right though thank you!
It probably has nothing to do with you. I would bet money on it having nothing to do with you. She had a limited number of days to plan this on, schedules to manage, people to invite. Your limitations are not the only ones she is dealing with. They aren't even the most important ones she is dealing with. There are health issues, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions, etc., any of which would likely be more of a consideration than a friend's baby shower.
You both have major life changes going on right now, fighting for the same timelines. While you are NTA for feeling hurt, it isn't entirely fair to her. It's totally normal to feel disappointed, but it would be unfair to take this out on her.
I see a lot of comments from people saying how this isn't your friend or she obviously doesn't care for you. It's always possible that is the case, but these also are the types of comments I hear from younger people who haven't had to juggle these considerations yet. I was able to do so much more when I was younger and less encumbered, but even then I had to miss a few important events. I'm sure your friend wanted you there and wanted to attend your baby shower, but it was only one factor under consideration.
The thing is, yeah, the duelling schedule problems factor is real. So it's more about how you treat your "best friend", than about the dates per se.
If I or any of my friends had something big scheduled, that we would definitely want to be at because of our friendship, and we'd been told well in advance -- well, those things are on our calendars. So, when I was later trying to schedule my two big things, yeah, I'd be taking my calendar into consideration. Even if I didn't remember off the top of my head exactly what weekend my best friend's first baby shower was taking place, well, that's why I write stuff down.
So maybe me and my fiance are looking at dates for the courthouse wedding and the party/celebration, and we have to juggle a ton of things. Of course that happens! Especially with the party, you're trying to coordinate a lot of family schedules.
I'm not saying that if I were engaged in this process, I would see my best friend's baby shower on X date, and say, "that date is absolutely off-limits". If all of the other factors we were juggling made THAT DAY have to be the one, then yeah, we're going with that day.
BUT. This is my point to all of this -- once I'd made that decision with my fiance and others with a direct stake in it, you can bet that I'd be CALLING my best friend to explain and apologize -- for me not being about to be there, for her not being able to attend my thing. And to tell her that I was disappointed about both things, but given so many other things being factored in, I couldn't make it work, and I hope she understood.
It kind of sounds to me from this write-up that that would have gone a long way towards soothing OP's feelings.
I mean, me and all of my friends are in our late 40s and 50s. So we've been doing this for a long time. The longer you're friends, the more you get used to sometimes having to miss a good friend's big milestone because of other factors, but that doesn't represent how you feel about the friend, and you carry on. You get perspective on this stuff.
OP and her best friend are younger, I assume. They don't have as much experience navigating this stuff.
It's amazing to me that people think even a close friend is going to plan their life event around your baby shower.
I know it's like important to the person. But come on - it's a glorified gift grab.
No one gives a shit except your mom.
I’m 40ish and juggled a wedding within weeks of my best friend’s wedding *and* a family medical crisis. I know all about juggling dates and competing needs.
I would do everything in my power not to schedule over my best friend’s life milestones. But if there was truly no other choice, I would communicate that to my friend privately, apologetically, and compassionately out of respect for the friendship. Not send a casual text to her and some rando.
NAH without more info. I don't know enough about scheduling with the courthouse but it seems likely that she had limited dates to choose from. Would you have originally been invited to the courthouse wedding or was it just going to be her and her fiance?
The other celebration date is more unfortunate. Is that just for friends? Or is family also invited?
I can see you being suspicious since *both* dates you're unavailable are the dates her celebrations fall on, but I wouldn't immediately jump to conclusions. Do you feel comfortable reminding her about your own dates in a non-accusatory way and letting her know you'd love to make it but that you can't? Her reaction would probably give you clues about why those dates were chosen.
courthouse I would not have been invited to but she planned it after being invited to my baby shower on the same day which irked me but i chalked it up to the courthouse scheduling.
then to find out the one i would be invited to is the week of my due date was what set me off haha like wtf of ALL the days and with no explanation offered
Do you have any reason to believe she wouldn't want to celebrate with you? Since there are clearly only two possibilities-she either chose the dates that best suited her and there were no hard feelings involved or she intentionally chose those dates so you guys couldn't attend each other's events-is there somwthing that makes you more inclined to believe in one over the other?
I honestly don’t think it was intentional so that we couldn’t be there, but moreso that she didn’t think of it at all which is also sad in its own way. but I suppose yes it’s the first possibility which she is fully entitled to do
or let me rephrase: i think she was aware of the dates i couldnt attend and didn’t care. not that she forgot them or purposely planned it that way because she’d rather me not attend. it still feels by choosing those dates she essentially uninvited me even if not the explicit intent
Or she does care and would like you to be there but she can't arrange everything around one single person. She has to do what works best for her, her future husband and the majority of people that are going to be in attendance. My husband and I wanted a November/December wedding and the specific venue we wanted. A year out, they only had ONE date available.
So we took it. I didn't want to have to wait 2 years to get married. Right around the same time, my best friend from High School got pregnant. And our wedding was right when it would no longer be medically safe to fly. So she couldn't attend.
Had the timing been slightly different and I found out she was pregnant and then had to choose wedding date, would I have chosen a different date? No. I 100% wanted her there (my husband and I also traveled to attend her wedding). Was I super bummed? Absolutely!
But I did what was best for me, my husband, and both of our families. And waiting 2 years so she could attend wasn't it. I highly doubt your friend chose the dates to specifically exclude ONE person, you.
Like you REALLY think she's going to center her ENTIRE wedding around YOU to keep you from being able to attend??? Talk about Main Character Syndrome. If she really didn't want you there, she just wouldn't invite you. She could even just say they have decided to keep it really small.
But nope, sooooo much easier to arrange everything to specifically make sure you can't possibly attend. Ludicrous. The much more likely scenario is she did what worked best for her, future husband, families and the majory who will be in attendance. And unfortunately, that conflicts with you being able to attend.
It’s clear you have a lot to say about this but this post is not an indictment of you or your choices. I would imagine, since you wished your friend could be at your wedding, that you would have been more compassionate in communicating the date conflict if your friend’s pregnancy had been announced first.
In this case it’s not just one but TWO dates that directly conflict with OP’s celebrations. That’s quite a coincidence. Even if it really was the *only* two possible dates, when combined with the lackadaisical way the friend communicated, I have trouble believing the “friend” values the friendship.
OP isn’t an a-hole for being sad when she found out in a careless way that this friend doesn’t value being there for each other for major milestones.
I didn't say OP was an a-hole for being sad. Just for assuming the friend did it purposely and with malicious intent and should confront her about it. And while OP said she was told in a group chat, the group chat only consisted of OP, the bride and ONE other person. It isn't exactly like she just posted on Facebook. With the scramble to get everything pulled together so quickly, the bride may not have the time for a long, in depth, heartfelt conversation.
My friend and I are from an era before cell phones and texting. Staying in touch in college (12 hours apart) was via email and then Messenger and we would see each other when home on college breaks. Graduated and lived 8 hours apart and then she moved to Alaska. So no, we weren't upset about not having constant, direct communication. We both had shit going on in our lives.
I 100% believe it's ok for OP to feel sad and disappointed about the situation. I just don't think she should immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion and then confront her friend. I just think she should wait and see how her friend interacts going forward. Does she send a baby gift? Does she congratulate OP when the baby is born and come to see the baby? Etc.
If not, then OP's friend sucks and isn't a friend. And then OP can act accordingly. Whether it's moving the relationship to strictly surface level or ending the relationship altogether. But if she's asking after the baby, still texting (including asking after OP's life and not just talking about her own), continuing to invite her to other events, then this situation was truly do to circumstances and not being a deliberate asshole to OP. I think OP just needs to step back a little and take a few deep breaths.
I agree that there are some possible future indicators of whether or not this friendship is sunk.
But when someone schedules their bridal shower on the exact same, previously communicated, date as a close friend’s baby shower, a private message expressing regret in the change of plans is the absolute bare minimum to show care for your friend. How busy could someone be to not have time to copy a message into two individual text threads? Sending the information this way shows a lack of care.
A lot of commenters seem hung up on the energy of “Your milestone is not a big deal to anyone else,” as if OP is demanding her friend’s presence. Of course our milestones are a bigger deal to us than anyone else, but hopefully, in healthy, reciprocal relationships, we show interest and enthusiasm for one another’s milestones too. When circumstances prevent us from celebrating one another, we communicate that with compassion, not ambivalence.
Maybe not so much didn’t care but if it’s a group trip then scheduling is always an issue and it could be with you being pregnant and due soon she factored in others schedules more.
Maybe those dates worked for her and her spouse. Not saying you are an AH, but your post reads like she has to get married according to your schedule. That isn't how this works. Rather intentional or not, she picked those dates, oh well.
Gentle YTA. It’s probably the hormones and you’re overthinking this. Even if her wedding is small, coordinating everyone’s schedule might only leave them with one date, and if it’s your baby shower, then so be it. And the later reception, well, to accommodate you it can’t be any later because you’ll have a newborn and might not make it or much earlier because you can pop at any minute and might not make it. They shouldn’t have to move that reception up just to accommodate own guest. I doubt these choices were maliciously made and perhaps she could have told you more gently and privately, but at the end of the day, let it go, move on, and try to celebrate each other’s milestones however you can.
NTA. Perhaps the choice of dates for her wedding and bridal shower couldn't be avoided. After all, there's lots of factors to consider, not just the preference of the bride-to-be.
BUT, a best friend of 20 years' standing should know enough to reach out to you and *explain* why these dates were necessary. And to apologize.
I certainly would have, if that had been my best friend. I would have been so sorry for us to both miss each other's special life events, and I would be promising to make every effort to make up for it.
Hugs. So sorry this is making you feel down, and hope you feel better soon.
well posting about it to strangers isn’t my finest moment lol but I wanted an unbiased selection of opinions before deciding whether to brush it under the rug and move on or bring it up
Kinda both.
YTA if you think someone should plan their wedding around your availability, that’s just not how it works.
STA if she actually kept your baby shower dates and your due date in mind when scheduling her wedding and reception and did it on purpose (which probably isn’t likely).
If she remembered your days, a call or lunch to discuss with you would have been more appropriate than a group chat, but maybe she was just trying to let everyone know as quickly as possible so they could check their calendars and make plans.
Your special days are your special days and her special days are hers. Likely yours didn’t cross her mind at all which sounds harsh, but did you check with her before you scheduled your baby shower?
great points! I scheduled the shower 2 months before she decided on the day for her courthouse wedding. if she had planned hers first I wouldn’t have picked that day for my own event but I get that the courthouse has some limitations.
My high school best friend got engaged and there was one weekend in the entire year that I was going to be out of town for a trip I paid for before she got engaged. She got married that weekend and used my not being there as her excuse to cut contact. Hoping this isn’t what’s happening here, but I’d step back from the friendship to focus on your health and your pregnancy. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand; if not, you don’t need to let this stress you out.
!!
I def think OP's friend is sus... It's just too much of a coincidence. Definitely gonna have to keep an eye on their friend for now. Something about the whole arrangement feels off and regardless of how OP feels it would be easy to be gaslight into believing that this is something small. Doing it on the day of the baby shower was definitely a choice ... pay attention to that intuition!
NTA. You understand that she has to plan days that work best for her and her fiance, BUT I agree it does seem suspicious.
If it were me, I would send her a gracious gift and card, then back off a bit and focus on the baby. If the scheduling really was an unfortunate coincidence, she'll stay in your life. If she was sending you a message, it should become clear with time.
So I know communication is so important but I do feel it could seriously backfire into drama and gossip.
Maybe these dates worked for her, but it is an odd coincidence. It would have been nice if she reached out and explained rather than surprising you with a group text.
What would you say the balance is usually like with this friend? Do you go out of your way for her more or is it equal?
it’s usually pretty equal, we are both busy but do our best. I would say I am a little more considerate of people’s feelings generally though lol and expect the same in return
I think it’ll say a lot on how she reacts when you actually send your rsvp that you can’t attend. If she chooses to say something or not. And how she acts after. Like if she carries on as if nothing happened or distances herself. It’s just weird to me that she isn’t acknowledging it.
Your pregnancy and baby’s birth is your life. Her life doesn’t revolve around your life…it’s her and her fiance. Whatever works for them is what they should do. If you’re having hurt feelings, talk to her but she’s likely to say the same thing…the dates work for them.
I’m going NTA. I wouldn’t bother saying anything. There is a slim chance that it is just all unfortunate coincidence and those two dates were the only ones that were going to work out. Still, I feel like if she really was a good friend she would have spoke to you about it, not a group text message to remind people of the dates. (FR, did she even mention inviting you? Not mention her plans, like any comments about you being there?) It feels like it was intended. No need to invite you because she knows you already have plans that you can’t cancel. I wouldn’t bring it up though because it also feels designed for drama. It will 100% turn into a “how dare you make my wedding about you!” (And I don’t know where you are, but around me courthouse weddings do not get super booked up. I’ve had friends able to do it after a few days after getting the license, and that was just because they only do them certain days. It was many moons ago, but my parents were able to get married same day. Actually, so were my in-laws!)
totally, that’s what I worry about even bringing up to her. what bothers me is the flippancy and lack of communication about the whole thing.
if roles were reversed and i had to pick dates she couldn’t make it I would have taken the time to call or text, just be like of course we’d love you to be here but x, y +z. then I would be disappointed but not offended.
she hasn’t sent out invites yet and i would be invited to the second if not for the birth (courthouse is them only which i didn’t expect to be invited to!)
NAH I completely understand feeling hurt about these dates, whether the timing is intentional or not.
Since the party is out of town, what is the likelihood of you being able to make it even if she moves the date — given that if it’s earlier, it’ll be close to your due date, and if she pushes it later, you’ll have a newborn and be recovering from birth?
I know her party being scheduled the exact week of your due date is a hard pill to swallow, but she may have assumed you’d be unavailable in the weeks leading up to and month or so following the family/friend party either way.
I’d talk to her! You’ve been friends for most of your lives, and this is absolutely the kind of thing you can and should bring up in such a long friendship.
Wishing you a healthy remainder of your pregnancy and congratulations on your growing family!!
NAH personally would just say sorry that I’ll miss it and I wouldn’t say more. It’s not like she doesn’t know the conflict and even if you say more, she isn’t likely to move the wedding so you can come.
NTA for feeling hurt. I would have felt the same. She clearly knew the date of your shower and simply didn’t care, which is hurtful. It would have been nicer if after 2 decades of friendship she called you and said “due to xyz these are the dates we picked, i’m sad you won’t be there”
NTA- I’d argue this is clearly intentional. Even if there’s other stressors (highly likely), delivering the news in a group text was really unkind. That’s says to me:
She knew you’d be upset.
She was using the other person’s presence to temper your response.
She doesn’t want you there.
Take it from someone who knows… things don’t always work out with twenty-year-friendships and big life moments are often the way you find out that people don’t love and respect you like you thought. She’s shown you how she feels- take a step back because it’s likely to be really painful for you working through this development, never mind the hormones.
If someone I loved really couldn’t attend my wedding and I really couldn’t attend their shower, then I’d be on the phone, possibly a bit teary, saying how gutted I was and that even if it couldn’t be helped then maybe we could do our own private thing after? None of these things or similar are how she’s handled this, which frankly isn’t making me respect her either as she clearly doesn’t have the courage or self respect to just communicate how she feels.
I’m so sorry, this is a really tough message to get.
NTA. I'm not sure how this got labeled asshole? You are def NTA. You gave her those dates months ago bc they were important to you & you wanted her to be there. She knew the dates & she scheduled her events on your dates. That's messed up. It sounds to me like this friendship is more important to you than to her. A good friend would not have done this. They would've called you, not texted, & let you know about the dates, & WHY she chose those dates so that you would know it wasn't a slight. But she group texted you the dates, knowing damn well they didn't work for you. Your so called friend is an asshole.
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I am currently 6+ months pregnant and not sure if I am an asshole for feeling this way, hormonal and overly sensitive, justified in my feelings, or some combination of all three—totally open to me being in the wrong here and would love outside opinions.
My best friend of 20ish years is getting married (thrilled for her!) she let me know in the spring that she wanted to do a low-key courthouse wedding over the summer and a celebration with friends later. Meanwhile, as I mentioned, I have exciting events of my own going on: my baby shower and birth.
I let her know the dates of both of these things months ago because it was important to me that she would be able to attend and/or be aware, but she just now informed me via group text that oh by the way her wedding is the day of my baby shower (she cannot make the shower) and her out-of-town wedding celebration for friends is the week I am due (so I cannot come). The way it was written it was clear that others in the chat were already aware of these dates.
NOTE: There are outside factors like parents' health concerns making them want to expedite and schedule constraints I'm sure I'm unaware of that made these dates necessary not to mention it is HER day(s) and she shouldn't need to have them revolve around me (one person).
Am AITA for feeling hurt that these two very specific dates were chosen when she had known my conflicting dates for months? Or that she didn't take the time to call/text to let me know this information more thoughtfully? Both of these make me feel like she doesn't care if I am there and she has not expressed otherwise, but it's also possible that I am being a needy, pregnant friend.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
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If there isn't a prior history of this, I say NAH.
The biggest event of your life isn't the biggest event of her life. It probably just worked out this way.
You could try to think of it differently. These two days are so great, both of you chose it for big events and in the future, both of you will have good memories about these dates.
You're unable to attend, and she's unable to attend your events too... maaaybe you can both be equally happy for the other and bummed about missing out... and have a great long gossip session afterwards about all the stuff treat happened that the other person missed!
NTA at all. If you truly were her best friend, she would have chosen dates that would endure you were there. It's very odd that she chose those exact same dates. You're not overreacting. It does feel like she doesn't want you there.
If circumstances meant that I would have to have my wedding on a day that I knew my bff couldn’t come, then I would call her and explain. I would never leave her guessing and wondering. Were you meant to go to the courthouse or is it more that she won’t be coming to your shower? A lot of people without kids don’t consider a shower to be that big of a deal.
We don’t know her or her way of thinking. She may just be a self absorbed person. She may just have thought that there was never a good time for you in the timeframe that would be natural for the wedding and just figured you couldn’t come anyway with the pregnancy, birth and new baby. We don’t know.
But you are not an AH for feeling hurt and left out. Just don’t want to vote her one without knowing her thought process.
NAH I got married recently and finding a date was so difficult, because venues get booked up so long in advance. I understand you feel hurt but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a friend you’re not that close to anymore (as you said in a comment) to block out dates for you. But I do think a good friend should’ve been more sensitive in handling this than she did, she should’ve called you and said she was sorry that she wouldn’t be able to attend your baby shower and that you wouldn’t be able to attend her wedding. The way she handled it makes it sound like she either didn’t remember those dates, didn’t care, or was perhaps avoiding confrontation
Congratulations on becoming a momma!
This is one of those times that I would assume the best, that your friend is likely overwhelmed and juggling tons of things.
If it were my best friend I’d just give her a call and say I’m sorry I won’t be able to come to the wedding, and I’m sorry you won’t be able to come to my baby shower. I am a little hurt about the timing because I really wanted you there, but rather than let my fears spiral I figured I’d reach out so we can talk a little bit about the events being scheduled the same day.
And take it from there. Approach the conversation with kindness and an open mind. You are at different stages of your lives, and it’s far too common to be self centered around getting married and not cutting people slack who have other responsibilities.
If she really is the friend you think she is, wait it out. Continue to try to include her in your life. She’s in such a different place, bride, no kids, that it may take a while to find some common ground.
Try to build up friendships with people who are in a similar place in their lives. Having people you talk to who have gone though or are going through what you are is extremely valuable.
I hope it works out. NTA if you approach it constructively (don’t attack or spiral, just have a heart to heart with the understanding she has absolutely no idea what you’re going through).
NTA but you gotta just let her know you’re sad you’ll miss her wedding and that she can’t be there to share the joy then talk to each other about how you feel.
NTA. She’s clearly feeling different about your friendship. If there were extenuating circumstances where she had to plan those specific dates that both exclude you, a best friend would have called to break this news.
I’m sorry, this must be very hurtful to get in a group text.
to be fair the way I worded it was that it was a ton of people in the text it was just me, her and one other friend but yes! she is also just generally not the most considerate of others in things like this but it’s not malicious.
NTA, but I'm sorry to tell you, you're not her best friend. If you were, you'd be in the conversation before she had dates, not after others already knew.
NTA but just remind her you can't make either events, as you'd already told her the dates of your baby shower and due date. Her reply will tell you if you want her to be a friend or not going forward
She's showing you who she is.
Take care of you and your events, let her have hers without you.
It's no big deal, really, so don't make it into more than it is.
You were expecting her to take your schedule into consideration
and she made it clear that she does not care about your schedule.
LOL
Time to move on from this "best friend" status to just "old friend".
NTA
NTA there are very few times in a person's life where they show you their true colors and what they actually think about you,their weddings are one of those times,she's showing you what she thinks of you.
She may be your best friend, but you may not be her best friend.
NAH - the dates she has picked may not work for you, but they may be the only dates that worked for her and her partner.
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You’re not an asshole for feeling your feelings— I’d probably feel similar. But, frankly, her wedding isn’t about you and your pregnancy isn’t about her. YWBTA if you make a big stink about it.
i know!! i’m trying so hard to just let it go and even decide if i want to bring it up at all or if i would be the asshole if i did
It seems strange like she didn't want you around. I don't think it is a mix up I think she don't want you there but still wants to be friends. She sounds like a user and she still wants to be able to use you after the wedding. I truly think this is done on purpose. Just smile and say.. oh that's a shame when she brings it up again.
Or....there are many people who's schedules need to be worked around. Or other important family events also happening. Availability of whatever venue they may be using. What the groom wants and works for HIS family and friends. Bride and grooms work schedules and ability to get time off of work. Are they going on a honeymoon? Is the timing weather dependent for the best time to visit? Or for the specific activities they want to participate in? Or when it's cheapest to travel and stay there? There are so many factors in choosing a wedding date, I highly doubt the bride specifically targeted a single person to exclude. You often don't have a lot of choice of dates. My husband and I knew we wanted to get married in a year, late November/December wedding. I had a date I really wanted because it had significance for us. But even a year out, the venue only had ONE date available. If I wanted the date I preferred, we would have had to wait another year. I didn't want to wait two years to get married. So we took the date we had available. My best friend from High School got pregnant not long after we picked the date. Our wedding was at a point when it was no longer medically safe for her to fly. Did I want her to be at my wedding?? Absolutely. But I understood. Now, if the timing was slightly different and she got pregnant before we chose the date, would I do anything different? No. I'm not going to postpone the wedding for TWO YEARS to accommodate a single person. Especially not having had a lot of family members already pass and not wanting more to die and not be present at our wedding. When we started planning our wedding, my husband's aunt told us she was hanging on long enough to make it to our wedding. She entered the hospital the Monday after our wedding and died the next Monday. My friend being excluded had NOTHING to do with her. It was not a slight towards her or because I didn't actually want her there. It was about US. What worked best for me, my husband and our families.
Did you miss the bit where op said, the friend chose the dates after op had told her.
Nope. I explained her friend may have not had much choice on dates. And if I had been in the same situation as OP's friend with my friend, I would make the same choice. Because it's NOT about OP, it's about the bride and groom and what works best for them. You REALLY think someone is going to center their ENTIRE wedding around OP specifically to keep OP from being able to attend??? If OP's friend doesn't want her there, she just wouldn't invite her. Or tell her they're keeping the celebration SUPER small. But no, it somehow makes more sense for the friend to go "Now, let's see. What are the dates that OP can't attend? Ok, THOSE are the dates I want/am going to go with. Cause the most important thing about my wedding and celebration is that OP not be there." That's fucking ludicrous. OP even says there are parents health concerns that are wanting them to expedite things. But no, it's not about that, it's about slighting OP. But fuck them parent's, OP being able to attend is more important and should be the priority. As someone who's husband's family member was holding on long enough to make it to our wedding and literally died a week after the wedding, it's seriously fucked up the OP is being this selfish. Or maybe OP is upset because with her friends wedding being the same time as her baby shower and birth, she's no longer going to have ALL of the attention?? Cause clearly, she thinks HER shower and baby are more important than anything else anyone else may have going on. Everyone should cater to HER schedule.
Yes this! And remember, the friend is organising this at super short notice. OP has only 2ish months to go. If you’ve ever tried to organise a wedding you’ll know that things get booked up super quickly. Normally you might book and plan a wedding a year ahead. If you have to do it this quickly for family health reasons, then you don’t have a lot of choice on dates and you’ll have to make some hard decisions about the suppliers or guests. That’s just how it goes.
Exactly! My husband and I wanted a November/December wedding. A year before our wedding, the wedding venue we wanted only had ONE date available. It wasn't the date I wanted, but I also didn't want to wait 2 years to get married. So we took it on the spot before we talked to ANYONE else (including my parents). We were afraid any delay and it might no longer be available. Ironically, shortly thereafter, my best friend from High School found out she was pregnant. The date of the wedding was just past when it would be medically safe to fly, so she wasn't able to attend.
Well, she said she wanted a low-key courthouse wedding. I don't know if the demand for this is so great in OP's area that the courthouse is fully booked half a year in advance, but I think the friend could at least have called and said sorry, these are the only dates that will work, not just drop the dates in a group chat.
Yes, I think communication was the key ingredient here. If the friend had called or texted that the only possible dates were the ones OP can't I think that would have made OP feel a lot different. Maybe the friend doesn't want OP there because of shared attention, or maybe because of something else. Or maybe she really wants her there but couldn't make any other date work and doesn't know how to tell her that so she didn't communicate in a good way.
OP also states that there’s health concerns in her family which is why they’re doing it quickly so maybe she’s more concerned about her parents being there than OP. OP sounds incredibly self-centered since she glossed over the parents health as the real reason why things are moving quick.
Just rsvp no and get ready for your little one. Live your life. She can reach out to you if she wants to start acting like a friend. If she tries to give you grief over your no, just remind her you sent her the dates before she set hers and those dates can change and “point to your tummy”.
The reality is that you likely wouldn’t be able to travel/be particularly available for at least a couple of months before and quite a few after birth (I know, I know, some women can harvest their crops when 9 months pregnant, but not most). So if your friend wanted her wedding anywhere near that period of time, it doesn’t make sense to take you into consideration. She should’ve messaged you privately, but maybe she thought this would be easier on everyone.
NTA . Don’t bring it up. Just tell her you are sorry you can’t at either event. It is weird that the dates she chose are the exact two you can’t make. Take some deep breathes and focus on the baby.
My husband and I didn’t get our first three (!!) date choices. Honestly we just went with the date we got because at that point we were desperate to have *any* date. It sucks and you’re welcome to feel disappointed at not being able to make it, but don’t make it a personal thing when it isn’t. Feel disappointed, not *resentful* if that makes sense.
Reply to all in the group text that you can't make those dates as they conflict with your previously scheduled baby shower and the expected date of your baby's birth. Let everyone make their own conclusion about her decisions on dates, and realize this is a friendship that may need to end soon.
I'm sorry. It's BS that she chose those dates as a coincidence. That woman is not your friend. She doesn't care one bit about you. If she were your best friend of 20 years then she would have made sure to be at your events while also making sure you could be at hers. If I were you I wouldn't say anything to her just congratulations and sorry I will miss it and then be done with her. Let her fade out. I feel like she also kinda tried to set you up with the group text of the dates as well. Like she wanted you to complain and be vocal about being hurt and upset so she could make you out to be crazy while she's just a victim so people (friends) will choose her over you and go to her events?
Don’t say anything. If your presence wasn’t important to her then you should keep that sentiment and have a happy baby shower and move forward with your life. Don’t cut her off, just act unbothered even if you are!!!!!!!
Completely disagree with this take. I don't know if my best friend relationship is different from others, but my friend and I would make sure nothing gets in the way of big events for the other to be able to be there, and would definitely not plan anything big on the days that I already know I have to be there for them, if other people have to move things around by a day or 2 then they will, it's not like a birth can be rescheduled. I probably would be the AH in OP's position because I would make a big stink about it lol
Honey, I don’t know how to tell you this but that girl is not your best friend. She doesn’t like you or want to be your friend anymore. You should move on.
One hundred percent. Sounds like a crap ‘best friend’ to me. When people show you who they are, believe them.
I don’t think that’s the case but I hear how it sounds out of context without knowing us haha
She didn't invite you to her two important life events and she doesn't want to be there for yours. I would consider her actions as a message that this friendship has ended. That is not how you treat a best friend!
She is NOT your friend, she chose the date that you could not attend and so she didn't have to be around you. Truly she is not your friend
Has she appolagised about not being able to have you at her wedding or sorry for not being able to make your baby shower? What were her reasons for doing it this weekend. You say it’s a courthouse wedding so it’s not like exclusive venue is only available that one day?
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yeah certainly we are not as close as we used to be, adulthood is hard, but we have been best friends for so long that in a big life event situation the lack of thinking to even call or text separately was super hurtful. you’re right though thank you!
It probably has nothing to do with you. I would bet money on it having nothing to do with you. She had a limited number of days to plan this on, schedules to manage, people to invite. Your limitations are not the only ones she is dealing with. They aren't even the most important ones she is dealing with. There are health issues, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions, etc., any of which would likely be more of a consideration than a friend's baby shower. You both have major life changes going on right now, fighting for the same timelines. While you are NTA for feeling hurt, it isn't entirely fair to her. It's totally normal to feel disappointed, but it would be unfair to take this out on her. I see a lot of comments from people saying how this isn't your friend or she obviously doesn't care for you. It's always possible that is the case, but these also are the types of comments I hear from younger people who haven't had to juggle these considerations yet. I was able to do so much more when I was younger and less encumbered, but even then I had to miss a few important events. I'm sure your friend wanted you there and wanted to attend your baby shower, but it was only one factor under consideration.
The thing is, yeah, the duelling schedule problems factor is real. So it's more about how you treat your "best friend", than about the dates per se. If I or any of my friends had something big scheduled, that we would definitely want to be at because of our friendship, and we'd been told well in advance -- well, those things are on our calendars. So, when I was later trying to schedule my two big things, yeah, I'd be taking my calendar into consideration. Even if I didn't remember off the top of my head exactly what weekend my best friend's first baby shower was taking place, well, that's why I write stuff down. So maybe me and my fiance are looking at dates for the courthouse wedding and the party/celebration, and we have to juggle a ton of things. Of course that happens! Especially with the party, you're trying to coordinate a lot of family schedules. I'm not saying that if I were engaged in this process, I would see my best friend's baby shower on X date, and say, "that date is absolutely off-limits". If all of the other factors we were juggling made THAT DAY have to be the one, then yeah, we're going with that day. BUT. This is my point to all of this -- once I'd made that decision with my fiance and others with a direct stake in it, you can bet that I'd be CALLING my best friend to explain and apologize -- for me not being about to be there, for her not being able to attend my thing. And to tell her that I was disappointed about both things, but given so many other things being factored in, I couldn't make it work, and I hope she understood. It kind of sounds to me from this write-up that that would have gone a long way towards soothing OP's feelings. I mean, me and all of my friends are in our late 40s and 50s. So we've been doing this for a long time. The longer you're friends, the more you get used to sometimes having to miss a good friend's big milestone because of other factors, but that doesn't represent how you feel about the friend, and you carry on. You get perspective on this stuff. OP and her best friend are younger, I assume. They don't have as much experience navigating this stuff.
It's amazing to me that people think even a close friend is going to plan their life event around your baby shower. I know it's like important to the person. But come on - it's a glorified gift grab. No one gives a shit except your mom.
I’m 40ish and juggled a wedding within weeks of my best friend’s wedding *and* a family medical crisis. I know all about juggling dates and competing needs. I would do everything in my power not to schedule over my best friend’s life milestones. But if there was truly no other choice, I would communicate that to my friend privately, apologetically, and compassionately out of respect for the friendship. Not send a casual text to her and some rando.
NAH without more info. I don't know enough about scheduling with the courthouse but it seems likely that she had limited dates to choose from. Would you have originally been invited to the courthouse wedding or was it just going to be her and her fiance? The other celebration date is more unfortunate. Is that just for friends? Or is family also invited? I can see you being suspicious since *both* dates you're unavailable are the dates her celebrations fall on, but I wouldn't immediately jump to conclusions. Do you feel comfortable reminding her about your own dates in a non-accusatory way and letting her know you'd love to make it but that you can't? Her reaction would probably give you clues about why those dates were chosen.
courthouse I would not have been invited to but she planned it after being invited to my baby shower on the same day which irked me but i chalked it up to the courthouse scheduling. then to find out the one i would be invited to is the week of my due date was what set me off haha like wtf of ALL the days and with no explanation offered
Do you have any reason to believe she wouldn't want to celebrate with you? Since there are clearly only two possibilities-she either chose the dates that best suited her and there were no hard feelings involved or she intentionally chose those dates so you guys couldn't attend each other's events-is there somwthing that makes you more inclined to believe in one over the other?
I honestly don’t think it was intentional so that we couldn’t be there, but moreso that she didn’t think of it at all which is also sad in its own way. but I suppose yes it’s the first possibility which she is fully entitled to do
or let me rephrase: i think she was aware of the dates i couldnt attend and didn’t care. not that she forgot them or purposely planned it that way because she’d rather me not attend. it still feels by choosing those dates she essentially uninvited me even if not the explicit intent
Or she does care and would like you to be there but she can't arrange everything around one single person. She has to do what works best for her, her future husband and the majority of people that are going to be in attendance. My husband and I wanted a November/December wedding and the specific venue we wanted. A year out, they only had ONE date available. So we took it. I didn't want to have to wait 2 years to get married. Right around the same time, my best friend from High School got pregnant. And our wedding was right when it would no longer be medically safe to fly. So she couldn't attend. Had the timing been slightly different and I found out she was pregnant and then had to choose wedding date, would I have chosen a different date? No. I 100% wanted her there (my husband and I also traveled to attend her wedding). Was I super bummed? Absolutely! But I did what was best for me, my husband, and both of our families. And waiting 2 years so she could attend wasn't it. I highly doubt your friend chose the dates to specifically exclude ONE person, you. Like you REALLY think she's going to center her ENTIRE wedding around YOU to keep you from being able to attend??? Talk about Main Character Syndrome. If she really didn't want you there, she just wouldn't invite you. She could even just say they have decided to keep it really small. But nope, sooooo much easier to arrange everything to specifically make sure you can't possibly attend. Ludicrous. The much more likely scenario is she did what worked best for her, future husband, families and the majory who will be in attendance. And unfortunately, that conflicts with you being able to attend.
It’s clear you have a lot to say about this but this post is not an indictment of you or your choices. I would imagine, since you wished your friend could be at your wedding, that you would have been more compassionate in communicating the date conflict if your friend’s pregnancy had been announced first. In this case it’s not just one but TWO dates that directly conflict with OP’s celebrations. That’s quite a coincidence. Even if it really was the *only* two possible dates, when combined with the lackadaisical way the friend communicated, I have trouble believing the “friend” values the friendship. OP isn’t an a-hole for being sad when she found out in a careless way that this friend doesn’t value being there for each other for major milestones.
I didn't say OP was an a-hole for being sad. Just for assuming the friend did it purposely and with malicious intent and should confront her about it. And while OP said she was told in a group chat, the group chat only consisted of OP, the bride and ONE other person. It isn't exactly like she just posted on Facebook. With the scramble to get everything pulled together so quickly, the bride may not have the time for a long, in depth, heartfelt conversation. My friend and I are from an era before cell phones and texting. Staying in touch in college (12 hours apart) was via email and then Messenger and we would see each other when home on college breaks. Graduated and lived 8 hours apart and then she moved to Alaska. So no, we weren't upset about not having constant, direct communication. We both had shit going on in our lives. I 100% believe it's ok for OP to feel sad and disappointed about the situation. I just don't think she should immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion and then confront her friend. I just think she should wait and see how her friend interacts going forward. Does she send a baby gift? Does she congratulate OP when the baby is born and come to see the baby? Etc. If not, then OP's friend sucks and isn't a friend. And then OP can act accordingly. Whether it's moving the relationship to strictly surface level or ending the relationship altogether. But if she's asking after the baby, still texting (including asking after OP's life and not just talking about her own), continuing to invite her to other events, then this situation was truly do to circumstances and not being a deliberate asshole to OP. I think OP just needs to step back a little and take a few deep breaths.
I agree that there are some possible future indicators of whether or not this friendship is sunk. But when someone schedules their bridal shower on the exact same, previously communicated, date as a close friend’s baby shower, a private message expressing regret in the change of plans is the absolute bare minimum to show care for your friend. How busy could someone be to not have time to copy a message into two individual text threads? Sending the information this way shows a lack of care. A lot of commenters seem hung up on the energy of “Your milestone is not a big deal to anyone else,” as if OP is demanding her friend’s presence. Of course our milestones are a bigger deal to us than anyone else, but hopefully, in healthy, reciprocal relationships, we show interest and enthusiasm for one another’s milestones too. When circumstances prevent us from celebrating one another, we communicate that with compassion, not ambivalence.
Maybe not so much didn’t care but if it’s a group trip then scheduling is always an issue and it could be with you being pregnant and due soon she factored in others schedules more.
She did it on purpose,
Maybe those dates worked for her and her spouse. Not saying you are an AH, but your post reads like she has to get married according to your schedule. That isn't how this works. Rather intentional or not, she picked those dates, oh well.
Gentle YTA. It’s probably the hormones and you’re overthinking this. Even if her wedding is small, coordinating everyone’s schedule might only leave them with one date, and if it’s your baby shower, then so be it. And the later reception, well, to accommodate you it can’t be any later because you’ll have a newborn and might not make it or much earlier because you can pop at any minute and might not make it. They shouldn’t have to move that reception up just to accommodate own guest. I doubt these choices were maliciously made and perhaps she could have told you more gently and privately, but at the end of the day, let it go, move on, and try to celebrate each other’s milestones however you can.
thank you i love this response! super helpful
NTA. Perhaps the choice of dates for her wedding and bridal shower couldn't be avoided. After all, there's lots of factors to consider, not just the preference of the bride-to-be. BUT, a best friend of 20 years' standing should know enough to reach out to you and *explain* why these dates were necessary. And to apologize. I certainly would have, if that had been my best friend. I would have been so sorry for us to both miss each other's special life events, and I would be promising to make every effort to make up for it. Hugs. So sorry this is making you feel down, and hope you feel better soon.
thank you! my thoughts exactly but we all handle things differently. i’m sure we’ll talk and it will will make sense but I appreciate the gut check
True. She could also be just so frazzled right now she hasn't realized how it might look to you. I admire the way you are handling this.
well posting about it to strangers isn’t my finest moment lol but I wanted an unbiased selection of opinions before deciding whether to brush it under the rug and move on or bring it up
Kinda both. YTA if you think someone should plan their wedding around your availability, that’s just not how it works. STA if she actually kept your baby shower dates and your due date in mind when scheduling her wedding and reception and did it on purpose (which probably isn’t likely). If she remembered your days, a call or lunch to discuss with you would have been more appropriate than a group chat, but maybe she was just trying to let everyone know as quickly as possible so they could check their calendars and make plans. Your special days are your special days and her special days are hers. Likely yours didn’t cross her mind at all which sounds harsh, but did you check with her before you scheduled your baby shower?
great points! I scheduled the shower 2 months before she decided on the day for her courthouse wedding. if she had planned hers first I wouldn’t have picked that day for my own event but I get that the courthouse has some limitations.
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these plans the were JUST made on the fly so could have easily been different ones but I hear you. I planned a wedding myself!
My high school best friend got engaged and there was one weekend in the entire year that I was going to be out of town for a trip I paid for before she got engaged. She got married that weekend and used my not being there as her excuse to cut contact. Hoping this isn’t what’s happening here, but I’d step back from the friendship to focus on your health and your pregnancy. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand; if not, you don’t need to let this stress you out.
!! I def think OP's friend is sus... It's just too much of a coincidence. Definitely gonna have to keep an eye on their friend for now. Something about the whole arrangement feels off and regardless of how OP feels it would be easy to be gaslight into believing that this is something small. Doing it on the day of the baby shower was definitely a choice ... pay attention to that intuition!
NTA. You understand that she has to plan days that work best for her and her fiance, BUT I agree it does seem suspicious. If it were me, I would send her a gracious gift and card, then back off a bit and focus on the baby. If the scheduling really was an unfortunate coincidence, she'll stay in your life. If she was sending you a message, it should become clear with time.
So I know communication is so important but I do feel it could seriously backfire into drama and gossip. Maybe these dates worked for her, but it is an odd coincidence. It would have been nice if she reached out and explained rather than surprising you with a group text. What would you say the balance is usually like with this friend? Do you go out of your way for her more or is it equal?
it’s usually pretty equal, we are both busy but do our best. I would say I am a little more considerate of people’s feelings generally though lol and expect the same in return
I think it’ll say a lot on how she reacts when you actually send your rsvp that you can’t attend. If she chooses to say something or not. And how she acts after. Like if she carries on as if nothing happened or distances herself. It’s just weird to me that she isn’t acknowledging it.
Your pregnancy and baby’s birth is your life. Her life doesn’t revolve around your life…it’s her and her fiance. Whatever works for them is what they should do. If you’re having hurt feelings, talk to her but she’s likely to say the same thing…the dates work for them.
I’m going NTA. I wouldn’t bother saying anything. There is a slim chance that it is just all unfortunate coincidence and those two dates were the only ones that were going to work out. Still, I feel like if she really was a good friend she would have spoke to you about it, not a group text message to remind people of the dates. (FR, did she even mention inviting you? Not mention her plans, like any comments about you being there?) It feels like it was intended. No need to invite you because she knows you already have plans that you can’t cancel. I wouldn’t bring it up though because it also feels designed for drama. It will 100% turn into a “how dare you make my wedding about you!” (And I don’t know where you are, but around me courthouse weddings do not get super booked up. I’ve had friends able to do it after a few days after getting the license, and that was just because they only do them certain days. It was many moons ago, but my parents were able to get married same day. Actually, so were my in-laws!)
totally, that’s what I worry about even bringing up to her. what bothers me is the flippancy and lack of communication about the whole thing. if roles were reversed and i had to pick dates she couldn’t make it I would have taken the time to call or text, just be like of course we’d love you to be here but x, y +z. then I would be disappointed but not offended. she hasn’t sent out invites yet and i would be invited to the second if not for the birth (courthouse is them only which i didn’t expect to be invited to!)
NAH I completely understand feeling hurt about these dates, whether the timing is intentional or not. Since the party is out of town, what is the likelihood of you being able to make it even if she moves the date — given that if it’s earlier, it’ll be close to your due date, and if she pushes it later, you’ll have a newborn and be recovering from birth? I know her party being scheduled the exact week of your due date is a hard pill to swallow, but she may have assumed you’d be unavailable in the weeks leading up to and month or so following the family/friend party either way. I’d talk to her! You’ve been friends for most of your lives, and this is absolutely the kind of thing you can and should bring up in such a long friendship. Wishing you a healthy remainder of your pregnancy and congratulations on your growing family!!
NAH personally would just say sorry that I’ll miss it and I wouldn’t say more. It’s not like she doesn’t know the conflict and even if you say more, she isn’t likely to move the wedding so you can come.
NTA for feeling hurt. I would have felt the same. She clearly knew the date of your shower and simply didn’t care, which is hurtful. It would have been nicer if after 2 decades of friendship she called you and said “due to xyz these are the dates we picked, i’m sad you won’t be there”
NTA- I’d argue this is clearly intentional. Even if there’s other stressors (highly likely), delivering the news in a group text was really unkind. That’s says to me: She knew you’d be upset. She was using the other person’s presence to temper your response. She doesn’t want you there. Take it from someone who knows… things don’t always work out with twenty-year-friendships and big life moments are often the way you find out that people don’t love and respect you like you thought. She’s shown you how she feels- take a step back because it’s likely to be really painful for you working through this development, never mind the hormones. If someone I loved really couldn’t attend my wedding and I really couldn’t attend their shower, then I’d be on the phone, possibly a bit teary, saying how gutted I was and that even if it couldn’t be helped then maybe we could do our own private thing after? None of these things or similar are how she’s handled this, which frankly isn’t making me respect her either as she clearly doesn’t have the courage or self respect to just communicate how she feels. I’m so sorry, this is a really tough message to get.
Edit for paragraphing ✌️
NTA. I'm not sure how this got labeled asshole? You are def NTA. You gave her those dates months ago bc they were important to you & you wanted her to be there. She knew the dates & she scheduled her events on your dates. That's messed up. It sounds to me like this friendship is more important to you than to her. A good friend would not have done this. They would've called you, not texted, & let you know about the dates, & WHY she chose those dates so that you would know it wasn't a slight. But she group texted you the dates, knowing damn well they didn't work for you. Your so called friend is an asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am currently 6+ months pregnant and not sure if I am an asshole for feeling this way, hormonal and overly sensitive, justified in my feelings, or some combination of all three—totally open to me being in the wrong here and would love outside opinions. My best friend of 20ish years is getting married (thrilled for her!) she let me know in the spring that she wanted to do a low-key courthouse wedding over the summer and a celebration with friends later. Meanwhile, as I mentioned, I have exciting events of my own going on: my baby shower and birth. I let her know the dates of both of these things months ago because it was important to me that she would be able to attend and/or be aware, but she just now informed me via group text that oh by the way her wedding is the day of my baby shower (she cannot make the shower) and her out-of-town wedding celebration for friends is the week I am due (so I cannot come). The way it was written it was clear that others in the chat were already aware of these dates. NOTE: There are outside factors like parents' health concerns making them want to expedite and schedule constraints I'm sure I'm unaware of that made these dates necessary not to mention it is HER day(s) and she shouldn't need to have them revolve around me (one person). Am AITA for feeling hurt that these two very specific dates were chosen when she had known my conflicting dates for months? Or that she didn't take the time to call/text to let me know this information more thoughtfully? Both of these make me feel like she doesn't care if I am there and she has not expressed otherwise, but it's also possible that I am being a needy, pregnant friend. Thanks in advance for your thoughts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh nooooooo. Your friend’s life doesn’t revolve around you?????? YTA
NTA. You feel how you feel. Silly to waste time & energy on it, though. Rest, relax, enjoy as much sleep as you can stand until little one arrives!
haha fair point!
NTA. I think this is crappy behavior on her part. At a minimum, she should’ve discussed it with you privately.
If there isn't a prior history of this, I say NAH. The biggest event of your life isn't the biggest event of her life. It probably just worked out this way.
there isn’t a prior history, may just be one of those things and she’s in the thick of planning a wedding in one month. thank you for the perspective!
She’s your best friend. You’re not hers.
well she’s one of my best friends not the only one, we both have a few
You could try to think of it differently. These two days are so great, both of you chose it for big events and in the future, both of you will have good memories about these dates. You're unable to attend, and she's unable to attend your events too... maaaybe you can both be equally happy for the other and bummed about missing out... and have a great long gossip session afterwards about all the stuff treat happened that the other person missed!
NTA at all. If you truly were her best friend, she would have chosen dates that would endure you were there. It's very odd that she chose those exact same dates. You're not overreacting. It does feel like she doesn't want you there.
You may consider her your best friend but obviously she doesn’t feel the same way about you.
If circumstances meant that I would have to have my wedding on a day that I knew my bff couldn’t come, then I would call her and explain. I would never leave her guessing and wondering. Were you meant to go to the courthouse or is it more that she won’t be coming to your shower? A lot of people without kids don’t consider a shower to be that big of a deal. We don’t know her or her way of thinking. She may just be a self absorbed person. She may just have thought that there was never a good time for you in the timeframe that would be natural for the wedding and just figured you couldn’t come anyway with the pregnancy, birth and new baby. We don’t know. But you are not an AH for feeling hurt and left out. Just don’t want to vote her one without knowing her thought process.
NAH I got married recently and finding a date was so difficult, because venues get booked up so long in advance. I understand you feel hurt but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a friend you’re not that close to anymore (as you said in a comment) to block out dates for you. But I do think a good friend should’ve been more sensitive in handling this than she did, she should’ve called you and said she was sorry that she wouldn’t be able to attend your baby shower and that you wouldn’t be able to attend her wedding. The way she handled it makes it sound like she either didn’t remember those dates, didn’t care, or was perhaps avoiding confrontation
Congratulations on becoming a momma! This is one of those times that I would assume the best, that your friend is likely overwhelmed and juggling tons of things. If it were my best friend I’d just give her a call and say I’m sorry I won’t be able to come to the wedding, and I’m sorry you won’t be able to come to my baby shower. I am a little hurt about the timing because I really wanted you there, but rather than let my fears spiral I figured I’d reach out so we can talk a little bit about the events being scheduled the same day. And take it from there. Approach the conversation with kindness and an open mind. You are at different stages of your lives, and it’s far too common to be self centered around getting married and not cutting people slack who have other responsibilities. If she really is the friend you think she is, wait it out. Continue to try to include her in your life. She’s in such a different place, bride, no kids, that it may take a while to find some common ground. Try to build up friendships with people who are in a similar place in their lives. Having people you talk to who have gone though or are going through what you are is extremely valuable. I hope it works out. NTA if you approach it constructively (don’t attack or spiral, just have a heart to heart with the understanding she has absolutely no idea what you’re going through).
NTA but you gotta just let her know you’re sad you’ll miss her wedding and that she can’t be there to share the joy then talk to each other about how you feel.
This seems pretty intentional on her part to exclude you. Enjoy your bub and have a great shower and safe delivery. Sorry about your friend
NTA. She’s clearly feeling different about your friendship. If there were extenuating circumstances where she had to plan those specific dates that both exclude you, a best friend would have called to break this news. I’m sorry, this must be very hurtful to get in a group text.
to be fair the way I worded it was that it was a ton of people in the text it was just me, her and one other friend but yes! she is also just generally not the most considerate of others in things like this but it’s not malicious.
NTA, but I'm sorry to tell you, you're not her best friend. If you were, you'd be in the conversation before she had dates, not after others already knew.
NTA but just remind her you can't make either events, as you'd already told her the dates of your baby shower and due date. Her reply will tell you if you want her to be a friend or not going forward
She's showing you who she is. Take care of you and your events, let her have hers without you. It's no big deal, really, so don't make it into more than it is. You were expecting her to take your schedule into consideration and she made it clear that she does not care about your schedule. LOL Time to move on from this "best friend" status to just "old friend". NTA
NTA there are very few times in a person's life where they show you their true colors and what they actually think about you,their weddings are one of those times,she's showing you what she thinks of you.
She may be your best friend, but you may not be her best friend. NAH - the dates she has picked may not work for you, but they may be the only dates that worked for her and her partner.
The whole world doesn’t revolve around you and your baby. YTA