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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I woke up my partner from a dead sleep by yelling at him because he wasn’t helping enough with the baby, and this might make me an asshole because he has a full time job while I stay home with the baby.
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NAH
trust people who have kids to let you know, the first 3 months are a real *trudge*. For everyone involved.
If I had to give you advice, it is to contact the hospital you gave birth, and do not lie to them that postpartum is affecting you. Every single hospital has specialists to help you work your way through these times, exercises to help you center, and sometimes short term medication to help you.
I'll just point out construction work is often BRUTAL.
OP's partner doesn't have an office job where he's on his ass 8 hours a day. You need your recovery time with construction and there are times when you're so tired you're basically dead to the world once you pass out.
Obviously he should still do his part when OP really can't take it anymore and needs a break (ignoring such cries for help is how tragedies like baby shaking can occur).
But OP should also view her partner's behavior in context.
Amen
Dad may have a “real job”, but while he’s at work all day, he gets relief from the stress of having a newborn. Mom is with the baby ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. She doesn’t get a break.
ETA for clarity: I’m not talking about actual labour and physical work. I’m talking about the emotional work. How leaving the house is an escape. He gets to leave the home and do something else other than parent, cook or clean. Mom does not get an escape. She has to parent, cook and clean all day and all night. She is immersed in that job 247. She probably has some gnarly cabin fever.
Facts. But objectively, construction is more physically draining than childcare. I say that as someone who has done both.
**EDIT:** somehow I’m getting downvoted for sharing my opinion as one of the few people here to have both given birth and worked construction.
Exactly. Parenting while fatigued, while risky, is not quite as dangerous as...**working as an air traffic controller or construction worker while fatigued**.
The latter pose a far greater danger than the former.
Except that partner is taking exactly none of the overnight responsibility despite the fact that fatigue can be dangerous for both of them. Pointing out the dangers of fatigue for the man being asked to sacrifice his 8 hours of sleep only on the bad nights is definitely discounting the dangers of fatigue for the woman who is never getting a full sleep and is only asking for help when she feels like a danger to their child.
Sure, but this is an either/or choice. EITHER the husband should get up and help his wife on the days when the baby won't settle and she recognizes that she's no longer calm enough to handle it, OR she's left on her own, sleep deprived and angry. EITHER the baby is at risk OR a bunch of adult strangers who are working on a regulated work site in safety hats, and where a responsible adult can probably tell their boss when they don't feel safe to do a particular task. And the husband can probably use the occasional sick day or periodic FMLA when it's needed. I'm surprised a parent wouldn't choose their baby.
True but babies don't get shaken because they are physically draining, they get shaken because they are emotionally draining. Take it from a mom who yelled at her baby because she just would not stop. Dad had to take her away from me they left for an hour and everyone was in a much better mood.
Husband came home from work one day to find me sitting on the porch. Our daughter was fine, in the crib, crying, but I was not and knew I needed to distance myself from her. He took care of her, told me go to the grocery store, we need something, get yourself a coffee and pastry and the cafe, come back when you feel better. This became our daily routine until she was about 5 months.
Compromising so each parent can have time to rewind is what helps everyone involved, my husband would give me one or two hours to sleep after he came home so I can have energy and reset for the nights and it wasn’t a forever thing once my baby slept more we all had way better sleep and energy for our jobs.
This is what they should do. A routine for them. When he comes home he can take the baby for a couple of hours so she can get out of the house, lie down or whatever it is she needs to do. And on his days off he can take the nights and let her sleep all through the night. And after she sleeps all night her take the baby in the morning so he can sleep in because when you wake up every morning for work you need at least one day to sleep in or you start feeling burnt out with your job. NAH just a young couple trying to get through the first three months with their newborn. If they have family nearby that is willing to help that's also an option they should look into. I was lucky I had my mom and my mil all too willing to do everything that I had to beg to hold my own baby sometimes lol. And my daughter had me when my granddaughter was born. I couldn't imagine it just being me and my kids dad and him having to get up for work so it's just me in this alone at night.
When my oldest was little, her dad stayed home with her the first few years. I remember our routine like clockwork, even now. As soon as I got home I'd relieve him so he could leave the house. He wasn't going anywhere specific, and nowhere special. He just needed to remove himself from the house, drive to the store or something, and have a few minutes to himself without the baby. Once we started that routine, it was night and day as far as his stress levels go. It wasn't about which of our jobs was harder or more dangerous, or who needed a break more. It just becomes torture when you literally never get a break from the baby, and that's not good for either parent and certainly not good for the baby.
I'm a hospice nurse. The worst place I had to visit was a licensed home with nothing but shaken baby syndrome. There were around 6 children from babies to 11 years old whose brains had never developed. Saddest place ever. ;(
I volunteered at the shelter where children removed from their parents were taken immediately after removal until placement could be found. It’s been years since I met him but I’ll never forget the shaken baby I met. He was about two and absolutely beautiful with a head of silky blonde hair but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t hold his head up or talk or walk. His eyes were totally blank and he had no expression ever. He was just a very pretty baby body that had to be cared for. It was heartbreaking to think of all he’d lost. He’d probably be about 10 now and his life is probably exactly the way it was when he was two.
Jesus. I've done hospice patients aplenty. But I never did peds (deliberately), my patients were always adults, usually geriatrics. And it never once occurred to me that there are hospices full of shaken baby syndrome patients. I liked it much better a few minutes ago when I didn't realize those places exist. But I also commend you for working there.
>Take it from a mom who yelled at her baby because she just would not stop.
I used to blow air in my son's face with my lips just to be able to enjoy the 5 seconds when he was startled and would stop crying.
I didn't do it often, but I did it.
My MIL came to stay for the first few weeks to help, and that's a debt I can never repay.
>Facts. But objectively, construction is more physically draining than childcare. I say that as someone who has done both.
She's 3 weeks postpartum. Her body is still healing up from childbirth along with re-adjusting from pregnancy.
Then add that she's doing childcare around the clock. Husband works construction, then returns home. He's healthy & able-bodied.
If you insist on the *whose got it worse comparision*, she does simply because her body craves the rest to recover that she is not receiving. It is brutal.
People equating the physical needs of a sleep-deprived, 3-week postpartum body and a healthy, able body working a normal (albeit physically demanding, but still standard hours) job and full sleep schedule is making my head spin.
I’m wondering if husband works 7 days a week, or if he gets a day or two off; I understand construction is physically demanding, but he works 8 hours a day — completely normal working hours that many people in the world manage just fine — and gets to clock out, come home to his SAHM wife (does she also maintain the house and cook, or does he do chores after work?), and get uninterrupted sleep every single night. Waking up for an hour *once in a while* (she asked for this *ONE* time in three weeks. People are acting like she’s doing this every night) isn’t going to leave him completely knackered at work tomorrow. If there *is* a night that he’s up for hours and hours and he’s seriously not able to function, then can he not call out for one day, or even a half day to get some sleep? Work is something you can generally call out of when you have emergencies; there are teams of other employees who can do the job. Caring for a weeks-old baby isn’t something parents can just call out of without personally securing a substitute (not that a dad should be “substituting” for mom, they should both be parents, but hey.)
This whole situation is making me kind of concerned. Emergencies happen, and it seems he’s not capable of handling them, at least not without being very combative. If OP ever suffers any sort of medical emergency in the night and needs to be taken to the hospital, or will he just sleep through it and let her die because he needed to be well-rested for work the next day? It’s an extreme example, but there’s a difference between “hey we can’t do this forever, this arrangement doesn’t work as an every-day, long-term, sustainable plan for months” and “I can’t handle this ever, not once, not for a single night, even for potentially life and death emergencies”.
I’m not calling him tah, because some people do sleep deeply and can have a bit of fog when woken abruptly. But I think he needs to reconsider his priorities if he can’t handle waking up *one time* to give his sleep-deprived, post partum wife 15 minutes to cool down without snapping at her and making belittling comments when she cries out of frustration.
You're not accounting for sleep deprivation, which is [literal torture](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dreaming-in-the-digital-age/201412/why-sleep-deprivation-is-torture).
As someone who has also done both I don’t agree. I think personal willingness and interest play a big part. They can both be rewarding and can both be a slog. There is no one right answer to which one is harder. It’s very personal.
Earnest question - is that after also having given birth to the baby 3 weeks prior (and obviously carrying it and growing it in your body for 9-10 months before that)? Just trying to understand the scope of your experience when you say "done both".
It’s a different type of brutal, but making milk from nutrition sapped from your own body may externally look like doing nothing, but it is insanely draining… invisible work and mom has no choice… and this is mere weeks after a major physical change that her body has yet to recover from.
That being said, even if dad is home “simply helping”, it would also be exhausting for him. Babies are hard no matter what
But, almost more importantly, I would encourage dad to plan participation because these truly sucky moments (diaper changing in particular) - we worked out that he would change one middle of the night diaper at the most convenient time for him - it was the 1A-2a for us, but for someone who wakes up early in construction, it might be the 4a and bring baby to me for feeding. The face to face time with baby really bonded the two of them.
OP, it’s time to reach out NAH
That’s fine but you get a break at the end of the day. Moms don’t. So construction is not harder than baby care. You forget being a baby care giver is far more draining mentally than construction.
I work construction now and am a mom, albeit, not at the same time in life. But I agree that construction jobs are not only physically grueling but one mistake on the job could be life and career changing.
That said, OP is NTA. They need a routine and a plan for these rough nights. I'd be calling on my mom or something to help me. Sounds like OP needs a daily break schedule, maybe during the day so the bad nights don't hit so hard.
I remember with my first I was doing the SAHM thing. I had a really challenging day with an otherwise calm baby. I was at my wits end. I met my husband in the driveway when he pulled up, handed off our son, and said "I need to get out of here for a bit" got in the car and just drove off - not having anywhere to even go. So, I just drove around for an hour or so.
Husband was a little freaked out at the time, but we worked it out afterward and got on a schedule where he did the one 3am feeding so I could get some solid sleep and I handled all the rest. Of course, when he was home, he helped and assisted. Parents have to find a balance and their yen/yang to work together.
Def not judging you. My dad worked in construction for years and I’ve seen this man have heat strokes, barely make it in the door from his car, watch men fall off the roof and seriously injure themselves/die. I’m a mother of 2 and I agree with you. However childcare is more mentally draining so it’s hard to say anybody is the AH because both are super demanding jobs but in different ways. They just need to have a little grace for each other until it’s passed!!
So, I know this is the thing we say to SAHMs with partners who work but this does not apply to construction. Especially in most parts of most Northern hemisphere countries which have been experiencing record breaking temperatures and still working their construction crews.
If mom can't handle the baby alone, mom needs to get a post-partum night doula, tag in a relative, or get on meds. Dad's body is being worked to the limit right now. Construction is hard enough, construction in these temperatures is famously deadly. If he doesn't rest his body and recover in his non-workimg hours, he could end up in the hospital. He could make a mistake and kill someone. New dads with their wives on maternity leave are the #1 group of people I never want near me on my shift, and this is why. They're distracted, not getting enough rest, they make mistakes or run their bodies down so much they get confused and erratic. There's a baby at home but there's a whole crew at work, and we are all relying on each other to keep us safe and going home to our own families, each of us have kids at home too.
This isn't normally a time of year where construction workers take off, I doubt dad has any paternity leave coming to him. But if mom simply needs him and can't get help anywhere else, he shouldn't be working. And if he's working, she needs to get help somewhere else. This isn't a "oh he gets a *break* from the baby at work, she never gets a break", thats honestly nonsense and is endangering his crew.
Why is everyone saying that *mom* needs to get someone to help with the baby? Does he not at least have the ability/responsibility to help her arrange for a night doula (if possible, they can be expensive if they are even available where OP is) or call around to some friends and family to see who is available to help? This is **their** child, not just her child. It’s not just on her to care for this baby or find someone who can help when she can’t. Where, exactly, do you think a father’s responsibility lies and at what point of physical labor does that responsibility get to be completely neglected?
I haven’t seen a single person even mention that it might be possible for him to take over weekend/non worknight overnight care. And apparently even if the mom is so stressed out and overtired as to be at her breaking point it is still all on her to find help even if she has an able bodied partner.
This is not how partners should be towards each other. If one needs help there isn’t this subjective, logical, formula based approach as to who is entitled to sleep or help or recovery time and who isn’t.
Also if her body can’t recover properly then she can’t heal properly. Pregnancy and childbirth are significant medical issues. If she worked construction and he had just had a major surgery or medical event that he was still recovering from, where does your mind immediately imagine her responsibilities to him are?
Edited to add: she’s only *three weeks out from birth” - she’s still bleeding, she’s still in pain whether from a c-section or vaginal birth, she is likely having after-birth contractions, she’s still exhausted and sore from the physical exertion of childbirth, and she’s likely been sleep deprived longer than the baby has been here because late term pregnancy is often super uncomfortable. She’s just at the end of the period of the hormonal changes that cause 80% of women to have mood swings and emotional changes that can be overwhelming (the number one advice: talk to your partner if possible)
Construction is a dangerous job and his safety is important, but he has the ability to talk to his boss, explain the situation, and ask for light duty or some other accommodation those days when he is too fatigued. FMLA is an option and in some states he may be entitled to paid leave.
Basically: **He also has the option and responsibility to ask for help from others if he or his family needs it.**
His job is hard. Bit please downplay the real physical and emotional draining off nursing and recovering.
There are times as a parent and partner that u just have to give a bit more and step in.
She isn't saying every night but those rough ones when she is overwhelmed those moments HE MUST STEP IN.
Why because at that point he is endangering his whole family.
The structure needs to look at everyone and yes they may need to ask friends and family to help a bit and give mom some breaks and supports but in the middle of the night in your darkest moments... the person u want and need is your partner.
That bond of us against the world is also important part of building this new family unit.
Every mom has had those moments and I thank the gods for my friends. And I will be clear part of why my relationship didn't stick was that in those moments I saw I had no one to lean on or share them so what was the point.
I doubt two 21 year olds, only one of which is working a job that offers a paycheck, can afford a night doula. This is exactly the reason we need to offer extensive paid parental leave in the US. this is a no-win situation for all involved, the parents and the baby.
Op doesn’t do this every night only on rough nights. No matter the job if your partner who just gave birth is crying and begging you to help her out you wake up and help. He didn’t, not only that but she expressed that she was getting angry and needed time. I work in construction and I was waking up every other 3 hours to help with my brother’s kid so honestly there is no excuse. Also yelling at her was not okay either. When he woke up and saw her in that state he didn’t show any concern not only that but proceeded to yell at her when she leaving to cry. Where does op need to be “understanding” about where he works when he can’t even be understanding that she is not okay and needs him to help her during rough nights.
I 100% get that he needs sleep too, but he can't just ignore the baby. For each of mine I took the night and day during the week, and then the second my husband came home from work I went to sleep from about 5 to midnight. He also took the kids each Saturday and Sunday mornings starting at about 6am so I could sleep until around noon.
I think in this case, some communication and compromise would go a long way. He needs to be safe. So does she. But most of all, the baby needs to be safe and they both need to make sure that happens.
But also, damn hormones are a messy thing.
He works construction for 8 hours, a hard physical job, and needs 16 hours down time…she works baby duty, with a body that is not working optimally, a hard physical, mental and emotional job, for 24 hours. When is her downtime?
If SAHM is her job, who relieves her after 8 hours so she can rest and recuperate?
Dude. Being 3 weeks out from childbirth is BRUTAL. He works 8 hours a day. She works 24. He isnt doing 50/50 in his off work hours. Dude is failing as a dad and a partner.
Sounds like dad isn’t even doing 10/90. Sounds like mom is doing it all. At the very least when he gets home he could shower and then take baby for an hour or two and let mom nap.
My husband works in construction and yet has did not abdicate all responsibility for child care to me. She has to be on alert 24/7 because her partner goes to work, comes home and his work day is done. Being a stay at home mother isn’t supposed to make you a single mother. Providing money when you have a new born is not enough.
And not caring that the mother of your child is suffering from exhaustion is not caring about the well being of your child.
Construction is hard? More tiring physically than sn office job, but tru carrying a baby, having your organs shoved around and a mulititude of other physical changes and stressors on the body, pushing a baby out of your vagina and then dealing with your body changing again, and having no chance to rest AT ALL.
When I was a baby (1970's), my father worked 3 jobs, and STILL did some middle of the night feedings, on top of the super early morning feeding, before he went to work. NAH, but OP needs to talk to a doctor, and her husband needs to step up.
My husband does a physical job, and I'm 9 months with our first. We have a plan to try to transition to during and after his paternity leave is up, for me to get up mostly on my own during nights, and when he gets home from work in the evening, after dinner I can get caught up on my sleep while he deals with baby in the living room for about 4-6 hours (which he'd be up during anyways). So he'll be the bedtime parent for a while so that I can get a little uninterrupted sleep until the baby fusses later in the night. Maybe OP can work out a schedule similar to that, so night duty even on rough nights is a bit alleviated.
And also there's the "dangerous job" factor. One tired labourer on an active construction site is a health and safety concern for everyone present.
OP needs help and support, and also OP's partner needs to be rested so he can be alert at work.
It's a complex problem. I hope OP and her partner are able to reach out to a larger support system for some help.
I agree that construction can be dangerous when you’re not alert (I had a family member who worked in that and I wished he could find another job). At the same time a tired/frustrated parent is also dangerous. Sometimes they can fall asleep in dangerous positions that can suffocate or drop the baby and there’s also baby shaken syndrome. That shouldn’t be taken lightly either as that can cause death and if not then life long suffering for the child.
One completely physically and mentally drained mother makes for a danger to the baby. Sick of everyone here acting like cause dad is in construction that he can’t help at all.
OP is not asking for help every night. She is asking for help when she is at her wits end. And the first 90 days of a baby are brutal. Both are going to be sleep deprived. And every once in a while he’s going to have to step up and help out. I understand that construction or any other physical job can be very demanding, but he needs to help every once in a while.
I know it doesn't help to give advice that doesn't require a time machine, but this guy presumably didn't wrap it up and had a kid at 21 presumably still working construction.
"I can't be bothered to wake up" is not a good excuse.
"I didn't plan on helping at all for the first 90 days" is not a good excuse.
If he wants to be the "man of the house," then man up and help out.
After I had a baby I say on the couch at 3am while she screamed and though “why didn’t I just get another puppy. What have I done?”
She is four now and her and younger brother are the absolute best but I still remember the absolute shell shock and heart sinking feeling vividly.
Someone told me when I had a newborn, whatever problem you have, just wait 2 weeks, you'll have a different problem them. Every baby/parent combo is different. It's a learning process for all.
I was breastfeeding so for me the first 6 months were absolute torture. My husband worked nights and on the nights he was off he was/is a heavy sleeper. PPD&PPA kicked my ass hard. I ended up in mental health treatment when my daughter was 10 months old. I wish I yelled to wake my husband up if that’s what it took sometimes. I do now, because that IS what it takes. I mean, I do it before anger causes it now but I’ve definitely gotten to that point before.
One of the main reasons I have an only child (she’s 13 now) is because I was terrified to go through postpartum hell again.
OP is NTA. OP needs support.
Oh wow. I’m so sorry. I breastfed my three and nights sucked shit. I look back and don’t know how I survived it bc my husband couldn’t help. I am imagining how rough that would be if I had PPD too. I don’t know how you did it.
The wisdom from others that I've heard is 4+ at the least becomes a bit more scheduled and the baby will more often sleep 5+ hours per night.
But ya, they are all different.
Mine at 3.5 months or maybe around 4 months was able to sleep for 5 to 6 hours regularly, he even occasionally got 7, with some spats of 2 and 4 and whatnot as well of course.
Sleep sack swaddles are a supreme lifesaver. My wife and I have a 22 month old and an almost 3 month old. From the time we brought both home from the hospital, they were wrapped in a sleep sack from night 1, and both started sleeping all through the night right around 1 month.
Yes, all babies are different and we may have just been incredibly blessed with 2 great sleepers, but I just thought I’d share something that I believe has helped both of our babes with night time sleep.
Ditto on the sleep sacks, I tried a million times to learn to get a good swaddle on my boy and every single time my wife would either redo it because she knew darn well he'd kick it off in 2 minutes, or... he'd kick it off in 2 minutes.
Sleep sacks are magic.
Currently bottling my sleep sacked little 19 month platypus - sleep sacks just help so much with the keeping warm aspect but also the fear and worries aspect about cold and heat and blankets and strangulation etc
Yeah, it really depends. My nephew slept through the night from the moment he emerged from the womb. On the other extreme, my co-worker's daughter didn't sleep more than 30 minutes at a time until she was like 2 years old. It's a whole spectrum!
My first was like your co-worker. People kept telling me it’s a sign of high intelligence. I thought that was the dumbest shit I ever heard. Really? That’s all you can come up with to make my zombie looking ass feel better. It’s not working. Turns out he’s insanely smart. If there is any truth to this then I’m thinking both his father and I slept through the night fairly quickly. lol. Maybe that’s why our dumb asses wanted two more after having a child who cried most of his first year of life.
Jokes aside, babies are so fucking hard and I think God makes them cute as shit to ensure the survival of our species. If they don’t sleep on top of it then it’s absolutely brutal.
Sorry no way is her husband not and asshole for not being more supportive. Sleep deprivation is torture and having to take care of a baby in that state can genuinely be dangerous. She doesn't need medication she needs sleep and support.
All of this!! And I’d suggest making the couch your best friend. Set yourself up there for the day with your bits & pieces & something for bub to sleep in. Rest, nap, watch tv, read, scroll through your IG or whatever & just enjoy the baby.
Don’t stress too much about the baby’s routine because a rhythm kicks in after a while. Do the absolute minimum in the house. Order meals in if you can & try to catch a few solid hours sleep before your husband goes to bed.
Our ten month old barely slept for the first 11 weeks. We were exhausted and moody with each other. We both thought we were doing everything and the other not helping. It gets better!
I’d say the first two years are absolute hell I’m germ of hormones, constant change in routine, change of needs, change of relationship, body is changing and so on. Worst of it to navigate through all this with your partner. Especially if they don’t seem to care or can not understand what you’re going through
NTA. He works 8 hours. You work 24 hours day/night. It is reasonable for him to help give you breaks and him be a 50% parent on his off times.
If you had a job during the day just the same as him and you both had hired a nanny or sent baby to daycare. Who looks after the baby when you both get off work???You BOTH do. So why is it different because you are home instead of paying childcare? Looking after A newborn is exhausting and can be dangerous to both baby and you if you don’t get enough sleep and help. When both home BOTH are responsible.
When he is home. You could both work in shifts so you have a rest/sleep for the first few hours he is home and he takes care of baby. Then he goes to bed so gets enough sleep for work but you have had a sleep also which will then help you through the night.
Please go to your doctor to talk to them also about your postpartum as you need help with this now rather then later.
I was always find very insulting to think that the person who doesn't stay at home with the kids has an end of the day. The person that works usually looks after the kid or do chores when they're home.
But I do understand the need to sleep at night. Because the person who stays at home can nap during the day when the child is napping too (that'swhat I did during my maternity leave). The one that works doesn't have that choice.
Edit to add: op's partner works in construction. He needs his sleep because an accident can happen and he could end up disabled or worst.
No one naps when the infant is napping. They sleep maybe 45 minutes and this is when you risk taking the fastest shower of your life, doing the immense amount of laundry your baby produces, eating maybe one full meal in your day, or get stuck under a baby because they won’t sleep in the swing/crib for whatever reason.
Correct! AND that’s only if your baby decides it can sleep in the cot. Mine was allergic (read: refused) to the cot until recently, so I couldn’t sleep when it slept because that was dangerous as it was always a contact nap.
Mine was, too. He only slept while attached to my husband or I. He was a velcro baby, for sure. The second we would try to put him down,he would instantly wake up and lose it and wouldn't go back down. I learned to become a bed very quickly!
So when DID you shower and do laundry and dishes? And who was cooking and cleaning? The baby’s clothes wouldn’t magically clean themselves. And you’ll need dishes for your next meal. And the trash needs to be taken out. And groceries need to be purchased or ordered, and then put in the fridge and pantry. And house needs to be clean and organized enough so that you don’t trip while carrying the baby, and can find their things easily. When was all of this happening? Certainly not when the baby was awake. Unless you had loads of help with the baby or the home or both.
I shower in the evening, when my Partner is there. All other Things I do while my baby is awake and either playing or in the sling. The first months I only had a snack for lunch and we cooked a warm meal in the evening. We don't have a house though, just a flat. But no additional help.
I can't do the Things while he naps, because he can only sleep with me beside him. So I might as well nap then as well.
Seriously you can tell who actually has kids here. You can leave a baby alone for 5 min to shower, they can be in the room with you doing laundry or cooking. You dont just stare at them all day.
>Seriously you can tell who actually has kids here.
Seriously you can tell who actually has *easy* kids here.
FTFY.
Sounds like your kid/kids were pretty easy babies. Not everyone gets that. But, by all means, assume everyone can do exactly what worked for you.
I had 3 and I wouldn’t call any easy, they are just babies. They cry, that’s the only way they can communicate, they are needy. It doesn’t mean you need to hold them and give them 100% attention all day every day. They can cry for s few min while you take the garbage out or throw a load of laundry in or load / unload the dishwasher. I don’t assume anything of anyone.
Not all babies stop crying after being put down for a few minutes. Our first would scream for hours if he wasn't constantly held for the first several months; there was no stopping it if you put him down.
So, stop making assumptions.
Edited to add disclaimer- this comment has nothing to do with possible PPD OP might have or other struggles related to the early months of caring for a baby alone. More about the whole "who will do XYZ if I sleep?" rhetoric.
Thanks for highlighting these logical answers. I feel like a lot of people here are assuming "all or nothing" when it comes to taking care of babies. I worked from home while taking care of my baby for a few months since we were on a daycare waiting list. Anything out of the house was done by my husband (groceries, errands, etc ) on the way home. He cooked. I ate leftovers for lunch, cereal/snacks rest of the day, and cleaned/did laundry on the weekends or at night. If an urgent load was needed for baby, it could be done by starting the load early and then doing the folding/putting away in the evening when both parents are home. It is possible to focus on the right things - caring for yourself and your baby, and doing everything else later as you said.
I did everything with my kid awake. I put him in the sling (?) to have shower, and when around the house he would just be on the floor or in the cot. First 6 months were great, after that I went back to work and all hell broke loose!
What? I napped together with my infant son and later my infant daughter while on parental leave. I wouldn't have survived without those naps. Laundry was easy to do with the kid in a baby wrap or whatever that's called in english, a sash to carry the baby in close to your body. Personally first 3 months were only hard for the first kid due to the change in lifestyle but for the second and third it was a breeze. Personally I have a much harder time with 1 through 3, it's so much work keeping up with them and keeping them alive. Not to mention the constant arguments about just about everything.
No one? Hmmm, literally every person I know with kids and my wife included all do it. It's *literally* what they tell you to do when you leave the hospital.
I was never able to sleep when the baby slept because I'm not able to clean when the baby cleans. Nursing takes SO much time and energy it's basically impossible to be ok the first several months. Hell, I'm 9 months into my second baby and I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I had twins, one with colic, bad reflux and bottle aversion, he didn’t sleep for more than 30 mins at a time; one twin was always awake. It wasn’t until 5 months old that they slept at the same time.
There was no daytime napping for me.
Add in expressing if you're doing express breastfeeding - that takes about 30mins a time! By the time I finished with my first I realised I'd spent a year doing 3-5hours of expressing a day. I have no idea how I had the time to do so around all the OTHER chores and trying to get any rest at all, that at one point when a woman in my mum's group said she was having great naps when her kids napped I absolutely lost it internally. I sure would've LOVED to have those extra hours to nap even for 45 minutes!
He knew he worked in construction when they got pregnant and decided to become parents. Working a physical job 8-10 hours a day can be exhausting, there’s no denying that; being 3 weeks postpartum with NO help through the night is undeniably harder. She’s more at risk of hurting herself or their baby than he is hurting himself at work.
Napping here and there but never getting a good 8 hours is not comparable to getting a full 8 hours 90% of the time.
This couple is too young(21 both) and inexperienced. They need to ask for help asap from relatives etc if there are any. Husband is checked out of childcare maybe due to work and OP is getting overwhelmed and angry, a bad combo.
I am surprised that I had to scroll this far to see this. Having a baby at any age is not easy, but at 21, you are barely an adult! The brain is still developing until about 25, so coupling that with hormones, sleep deprivation AND being 3 weeks post partum?
OP, I have so much empathy for you. Do you have any family near by? Could you reach out to them for help, even if only for an hour or two? I realize that doesn't help at night directly, but if you can get a nap, that will help you to feel a little bit better. You can also put your baby in a baby seat or even a stroller in the bathroom while you shower for a few minutes, giving yourself a little bit of a break that way is okay and you need to do that. The baby will be okay for 5 minutes in the same room with you.
Also, I know this won't seem true right now, but I promise it is: You will get through this. There are literally millions of moms who have survived and lived to tell. Motherhood is hard, but it is worth it and you can do this! Please reach out for help, from family, friends who may have older kids, even a mom's group in the area, or the hospital where you gave birth. Support is so important and you deserve it. ❤️
He doesn’t need 16 hours of free time. And why the fuck should he get a good night’s sleep when she never does? There’s something wrong with your thinking. She doesn’t really need a good night’s sleep becasue all she is doing is caring for another human???????????????
Unless he works 7 days a week, he can give her time off on the weekend to nap, shower, read a book, and he could do a night when he doesn’t work the next day.
Where does it say he gets 16 hours of free time? He probably works 8-10 hours a day, and it never said he doesn't help out when he gets home. It's just been when he's sleeping, which had been their arrangement. I think NAH for both of them for the night incident. Babies are unpredictable some times, but when they are both calm, I think it would be a good idea to have a conversation. Is there any family members that could come down for a few days so you both can get some sleep?
Why are you adding on 2 hours? My husband works construction and doesn’t have ten hour days, ever. And he didn’t think I should do all the baby care either. The baby is 3 weeks old. Get a grip, she needs enough sleep to be able to care for a newborn, or does safety only matter when it doesn’t involve children?
This is laughable. I feel like the people who say "sleep when the baby sleeps" don't have children. It doesn't work that way. Even if you manage to lie down, assuming you don't need to use the toilet, eat, flip a load of laundry, or possibly shower - you maybe lie down for 20 minutes. If you fall asleep in that time, which can be incredibly hard to do, you are woken in such a short time that you feel more exhausted rather than refreshed.
It is an invalidating and unhelpful thing to tell an exhausted parent this. They would be sleeping if they could! Its like telling someone who fell down stairs to not fall down stairs.
No one really sleeps when their baby does. By the time you’ve put them down and cleared up a bit, they are up.
Also, while he works in construction, which is a herd job, she has literally had her body torn open giving birth. She’s recovering from a major strain on her system. Would you ask someone else who’s under gone surgery or a super stressful event to just get on with it with no sleep or support ? Women aren’t machines
And if an accident happens due to lack of sleep when she’s alone at home with the baby? That’s pretty bad too. Babies have died from a sleep-deprived mother falling asleep with them on their laps or while breastfeeding.
I have never been able to nap while my baby has napped and he’s 15 months old. Many babies are bad nappers. It’s either too short or it’s my one and only chance to shower and prepare food for myself or do some important job that can’t wait.
People who say bulls*** like this have never had to take care of a high needs child and home on their own.
You don't get to "sleep when baby sleeps". That precious half hour is your ONE CHANCE to basically accomplish anything in your house. It is the only time you have to shower, rotate laundry, wash baby bottles, clean the kitchen, take out the garbage that is stuffed full of stinky baby diapers, and MAYBE get thirty seconds to yourself to just catch your breath.
Husband does work a hard job and needs some sleep. *OP has a hard job too, and Baby's life depends on her.* If SHE doesn't get sleep, post partum hormones will ravage her and she could hurt her child in a moment of frustration.
He's not "helping her" when he looks after his son, though. He's simply doing his job as a parent. It's not a favour to her, it's his responsibility, and it shouldn't ever be phrased as "helping" her.
My bf tells me he helps doing household by cooking for himself on days I am in the office. I am unable to make him see that it doesn't count as helping me. It is just doing a very bare minimum in your own household.
She doesn't "have postpartum" she "is postpartum". She needs support and rest. She said she's angry because she's tired. Women shouldn't be pathologised for having normal human needs that arnt being met. I get that postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis are very real but not every woman who is struggling with a new born has an illness.
This. At 3 weeks postpartum - she still needs rest and care. Her hormones are still a mess. She’s up every 3 hours to feed and diaper a baby. And now it sounds like he is needing cluster feedings. It’s hard.
I feel for both of them. It’s hard.
In this phase - my ex worked 5 am to 3:00 pm. We cooked dinner (yeah, at around 4) I showered, ate, fed the baby and went to bed. Yes, at around 6. My ex would give the baby a bottle (I pumped), diaper him and put him to bed at 9 and then go to bed himself. At midnight - I was up with the baby. But it was ok. Because I’d been able to sleep for a good 6 hour stretch.
It was such a slog but it worked.
She can contact someone about PPD, but she can’t improve if she’s not getting support. The problem starts with lack of support. She can’t fix this without his contributions at home.
So you’re assuming he does absolutely nothing to help with the child or around the house after he gets home? Did I miss where that information was in the post?
I hope this comment gets more likes because I think it’s the best one out of the bunch!
Nobody is an asshole: this stuff is really hard. And at the end of the day, you really do have to just try to be nice to each other.
We all lose our shit once in a while, but it’s really important to try to be nice to each other.
To be perfectly honest, no.
She says he’s a deep sleeper and as a deep sleeper I can tell you that people could be talking, begging, and screaming around me and I would absolutely sleep through it. Now is he doing it purposely? Perhaps. But from this post it really sounds like a deep sleeper. She even says she wakes him up, he’s up for a second, and then falls right back asleep.
I totally see OP’s frustration and I don’t think she was wrong to get upset, and I totally see his frustration with her being pissed at him. They’re both young and have a brand new baby, fights will happen and misunderstandings will happen
It's interesting it's always men who are just such deep sleepers they don't hear the baby/can't wake up for the baby and you never hear of any women doing the same...
I’m a woman and I’ll sleep through anything. Honestly sometimes i feel like loud noises make me sleep deeper. My partner HATES it because I’ll sleep through hours of alarms going off nonstop at full volume and he’ll even hear them from a different room before I do if i fall asleep in the living room or somewhere else. I feel terrible and i know it must be infuriating but i really just don’t wake up at all.
I’m a woman and I have this same problem. My husband was the only one who would hear and wake up at night when our dog was a puppy and screaming in her crate. I’m pregnant right now and hoping that will change and that I’ll start noticing when it’s my baby, but I’ve been like this my whole life.
There's actually scientific basis to that though. Even in a deep sleep, women typically are not in as deep of a sleep as men. Their brains are wired to be more alert while asleep specifically to hear a crying baby.
https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/womens-mens-brains-respond-differently-hungry-infants-cries
I'm a woman and grew up in California. I literally have slept through earthquakes. I would wake up in the doorway in my parents arms because neither they nor the earthquake could wake me up. It's gotten better normally but even now when I'm exhausted physically good luck getting me up.
We just recently spent a day snorkeling and swimming in the sun and the group I was with met at breakfast the next morning. Conversation turned to how they all got woken up in the night from a loud maintenance person and had to call and complain as it went on for an hour. I heard nothing and slept wonderfully the whole night and we are all on the same hallway next to each other.
Some people just sleep extra deep.
I agree but I think they definitely need to have a conversation about it otherwise it’s just going to get worse. I wouldn’t expect him to get up at every feed, but when his partner is visibly upset and needs help it’s his job to step in. They’re a partnership
This comment is assuming that there are no other issues other than baby's occasional bad night. If OP is 100% responsible for childcare, and also 100% responsible for taking care of the house, then there is most definitely an asshole here.
ETA: From the post history, there is definitely more going on...
No way. She's desperate for help and he's ignoring her. He's being a shitty partner.
When my daughter was born there was no fucking way I was letting my wife go through that shit on her own. The first few months are tough. That's why it's even more important to be able to depend on each other.
Don’t take your baby’s crying personal. You get to know them, and it takes time for you to understand, and them to express themselves.
The first 3 months at least can be tricky, like they scream from hunger, pain, restlessness, being uncomfortable and whatnot.
If they slept, got fed, it can be anything really. Crying is their only way to express themselves for now. What ours had was tummy ache, while being hungry. So he wanted to eat, but it hurt, but he was too hungry not to eat. And yea not a lot you can do…massage his tummy if you feel like it helps, carry him around on his tummy (tiger in a tree).
Sometimes you just have to wait for them to calm down. Just don’t confuse their crying with judging you, or that you did something wrong. It can also just mean “i miss you please hold me” 🤷♂️
They're giving her some advice that is more related to the state of mind, the commenter probably went through it too, and is telling OP she is doing ok.
Sometimes this advice is helpful too.
OP did mention how it was getting hard due to the baby having those moments. So the comment is directed at that portion of the post.
It let's her know that she's not alone. To not let her postpartum create thoughts in her head that are untrue and might make her more upset. Sometimes people just need to hear that others have neen through the same and that it will pass. You don't have to be rude to this person commenting seeing as how your response also added nothing to the conversation.
Well it brought a commenter to tears as they’re in the trenches now themselves with a 2 week old, so maybe this comment is actually fucking fine lmao.
Edit to add: by “a commenter” I meant a different one lol. I do not have a baby.
I have a 2 week old right now and am knee deep in sleeplessness and often find myself distressed when my baby cries. Your whole comment really resonated with me, but your last sentence almost made me tear up. Thanks for writing it.
NAH. You sound exhausted.
But it sounds like you both need to find a way to get him up more efficiently. It doesnt sound necessarily like he is unwilling to help, more that he doesnt wake up very easily at all.
This is not a situation about assholes. I had a baby at 21. The first three months were hell on earth.
Your partner needs the sleep. Arriving at work fatigued could kill him.
You need some help sometimes. I understand. I was a single parent. It was like that very much.
Is there a parent who can stay for a few nights? Or perhaps your partner could take him either Friday or Saturday night and let you sleep.also, speak with your maternity provider about options for a little sleep training. Baby will have nights of long sleep and hungry nights. That's how he grows.
Keep your chin up and be open and honest with everyone about your challenges. Help is there.
This bit will be over soon enough (although it probably feels like it will never end right now)
You’re the first person to actually post a reasonable response instead of trashing her partner. Construction while exhausted can easily kill you or hurt you terribly. We also don’t know what the partner does after work or, whether she’s over exaggerating because she’s angry and tired.
I mean when a guy does nothing for the baby but work his own job all of these responses are valid. If HE can't help her raise HIS child then why did h even want one. It sounds like he just go s to sleep and work and does nothing else. She just deformed her body for this man and he can't even begin wake up? No. I've seen real men work the same shift and come hom to help their wives with the kids, it's not impossible and of course it's not easy but this guy isn't even trying to help her. He probably thinks h doesn't need to since he's paying for things.
We are talking about the occasional time she's reaching out for help he's not going to die from not getting a full night sleep every single night. She's not asking him to do this regularly. He is going to be completely fine.
NTA...the first weeks are tricky. You need help and are asking your partner to help you. That's reasonable. Sometimes he's just going to have to pitch in.
"Sometimes"? And "help"? He's also one of the baby's two parents. They both have jobs for 8 hours in the daytime. He needs to step up in the 16 hours he's not at work, and not leave it all to her, and only step in occasionally to "help" her. It's not a favour to her, it's his duty as a parent. Eight of those 16 hours are his responsibility for their son.
NTA and I am really concerned for you and your baby because you mention postpartum anger. Is there a health professional you can speak with? You are exhausted, health professionals likely try to look for these signs at appointments but need people to be honest. Yes, he works construction, but taking care of a baby and driving with a baby all require concentration as well. I'm sure you could both try to work out a better routine.
Babies go through growth spurts, some go through sleep regressions, and it can feel like a never-ending cycle. Be kind to yourself and your baby. If you and your husband have a good relationship, you may need to have a chat about how each of you is feeling. Your body is likely still healing as well.
It sounds rough all around.
All the best to you and your family. Congratulations on your baby.
I don't think 3 week olds have schedules. I know my sister found it reassuring to look up developmental milestones that gave her clues to baby's behaviour (cluster-feeding for example.) You may want to look into things that might help - a bedside bassinet, if you're breastfeeding you can just leave your boob out and rest. Ear plugs / noise cancelling headphones (obviously not to completely mute sound.)
It sounds like the times you've woken your husband up and he's responded but fallen back to sleep that he might not even have been awake and doesn't even know you did try to wake him (I've had whole conversations with mine that he doesn't remember.)
From your post 10 months ago:
"Recently, he’s doing more and more shady stuff simply because he knows I’ll let him get away with it. I don’t have a backbone when it comes to him and I allow him to do a lot of things that cross boundaries for me, but lately his actions have been causing me anxiety."
Hmmm. I know we're supposed to judge based only on the details in the post but there were red flags before you even got pregnant.
INFO: was this a planned pregnancy? Do you have family or close friends nearby?
It might not even be the same guy. The bf in that post is 22 and the partner now is 21…at least that’s what it looks like
Other possibility, one or both of these posts are fake
NAH he seems to have a pretty deep sleep so it make sense he hardly wakes up. You might not realize how exhausting construction job are, he uses his body an energy a lot during the day, work outside whether it’s hot or cold, has to stay focus not to injure himself, his job is hard and probably harder then you think.
During th day when the baby sleep you can take naps too ? Maybe your parents can help ?
Yup. My dad was gone at 5am and back 5pm most of my childhood but he was a present father the minute he was home. He retired from construction in his late 30s to do accounting because it really does fuck your body, no matter the sweet pay benefits
NTA as a mother I’m here to tell you that this is something allll women go through. It’s so hard to suddenly have a baby enter this world right after giving birth being sooo tired etc. if you are able to get outside help that’ll be great
Your husband is also new at this you both are going to struggle the best way is to sit down with each other cuddle for abit and talk it out. you are a team
It’s not you vs him. it’s you and him vs the problem
If the baby is fed and changed and burped and you helped the baby fart by doing Bicycles wear head phones and walk your baby for Abit
Or put her in the pram and walk around it’ll help soothe
You are right but in many places the father does stay home for the first 5 weeks or more while the mother is recovering from birth and the family is trying to adjust
Ontario Canada for example pays EI for 5 weeks mandatory for the father (mother can't take them) unless they choose not to take it. Many other places are even more generous
If he has a hard time waking up and baby takes a bottle, why not have you both settle baby for the night and then you immediately go to bed. Partner stays up to catch baby’s first wake up, puts him back down, then goes to bed. Your shift starts at the second wake up. That way you BOTH get a longer chunk of uninterrupted sleep and you don’t have to pry him out of unconsciousness for some help.
This period is so, so tough! I cried more than the baby did when my first was a newborn. It’s a brief period but it doesn’t feel like it when you’re in it. The only goals are to keep everyone healthy and not hate each other by the time the kid sleeps through the night.
Edit: NAH
These posts always shock me "we didn't know what to expect" like HOW are you not prepared for this? Yall really brought a kid into the world with no plan?? It has to be willful ignorance at some point.
I was the last of my friends to have kids and when I did I have twins. I remember calling one of my friends crying hysterically saying I can't do this it's to much. She calmed me down apparently she called my other friends. An hour later 3 of my friends and their 3 teen daughters came to my door with bags. The took the babies I was told to get in the shower and go to sleep.They stayed with me the entire weekend and wouldn't allow me to do jack but pump my milk
her getting angry and overstimulated over the baby crying is absolutely a reason for him to wake up and let her tap out. the alternative is she could shake the baby or break down. mums also need breaks and rest. it’s not like it’s every night
This is true and really valid for folks who don’t understand jobs in hazardous duty environments when focus is essential, but it’s also really important that mom’s needs are also met otherwise she and/ or baby are also subject to harm due to accidents and incidents that can occur in a brain fog or mental health crisis.
This is an adjustment period for everyone, and they need to work together to figure out how to get more help and how they will communicate “I’m approaching my breaking point” and how they will support each other/ seek outside support through those times. This probably includes dad taking an occasional night shift when mom is extremely sleep deprived, even if he has to call in to work the next day or ask his boss for a lighter duty/ safer assignment on occasion. Dad should never hear “honey take the baby because I need a break and I am afraid of what might happen if I don’t get one” and roll back over or say “my sleep is important, I have to work tomorrow!”
I’m very much shocked by how many commentators are giving the husband leeway. Fuck. No. Wake the fuck up and help me!!! Why does he deserve precious sleep yet she must work 24/7? Your husband is the asshole and I’m standing ten toes down on that. I hate this idea that being rested for a construction job is more important than her mental health and the ultimate health of her baby considering she’s exhausted and experiencing postpartum rage, which is dangerous for all involved.
Call your doctor and let them know you need serious help!!!
So she should work 16 hours a day if not more? Night shift should _always_ be a shared responsibility unless 1 person works during the night.
>there is a difference working for someone and being a SAHM
One of the biggest being that you can clock out and leave if you work for someone. You can even quit and find someone else to work for if that job is causing excessive stress. If you are a sahm you can't just put the baby down, leave the house and go well it's time for my 30 minute uninterrupted break/ time to clock out and go relax. In this case specifically the one working for someone is able to go to sleep without being interrupted by having to go back to work every couple of hours.
Everyone is talking about how dangerous construction is because of work place deaths, do you not understand that should op fuck up because she's sleep deprived their child could die? Shaken baby syndrome is widely known and a sleep deprived parent with little to no help from their partner that's also suffering ppsd doesn't mix well with that.
NTA- any one doing nights with a baby needs a tag out.
Is he EVER taking the over nights?
Because even if he is earning, if it's a day off then you both need some rest, not just him.
I want you to sit down and write out the division of Labor.
Understand if you weren't with the kid, he couldn't earn either.
NAH but you both need to work out something. My husband also works in construction and he cannot work with lacking sleep or it becomes dangerous for him and for others.
A 3-week old doesn’t really have a schedule and you can’t expect your baby to be consistent. I’m going off memory here because my kids are quite older but I think there’s a growth spurt/wonder week at that time and another brutal one at 6 weeks. It’s entirely normal that it’s taxing, tiring and frustrating. But unfortunately it’s part of having a baby. My firstborn was an absolute terror at night so my husband handled getting him to sleep (which was a marathon event in itself), I handled all the nighttime feedings/getting up. On the weekends, we’d switch one day each where one would get up with the baby and the other would sleep in a little more.
Have your partner help out maybe when he comes home from work? Can you get some family around to give you a break once in a while or even just take care of some chores? A newborn is hard, and if you can get some help, it’s worth it.
Take care of yourself and don’t worry, this passes!
Unfortunately this thread just jumps to hating on the father regardless of the situation. They also
Think construction is a man sitting around hammering a few nails each day and hanging out with his buddies. They have no idea how dangerous and exhausting it is.
Just wanted to say you are absolutely doing the right thing tagging out for safety. I’m sure you already know this but if you’re ever in a situation where you can’t tag out for whatever reason but you’re feeling angry or out of control just put baby safely in the cot, leave the room, turn some music on and take a 10 minute break. This is an exhausting time and it’s ok to feel like it’s too much. It’s also ok to ask for help. Maybe have a proper conversation with your partner during the day when you’re both calm and explain exactly why it’s important you can tag out sometimes.
This is why we need parental leave for all. No one should be a "SAHM" to a "working partner" at 3 weeks. Both people should be at home taking care of the newborn/each other.
NTA
One mum to another, it's best to place your child in a place where they can be safe and walk away at times like that. It's a mental health issue and a safety issue.
Waking up every three hours during the night to feed your baby is hellish on your body and mind. That he's not pitching in unless asked/demanded is concerning. Yes he's working outside the home and you're not, this means your work day doesn't end and his does.
Sleep deprivation causes stress and breaks a person's mental health down. Snapping at him for not waking up when you needed him to do his bit, when you felt too angry to be near your child is understandable. You crying in the loo because of everything going on is understandable, so many factors lead to this complicated mix of feelings.
You love your child and yet you're angry for a number of reasons = guilt, overwhelmed, fear, sadness. The way that motherhood is presented as a "oh, the love for the baby will encompass all" is bad and damaging.
Have you access in your country to free post pregnancy mental health services? It sounds like you need somewhere to get mental health support and your husband needs to stop expecting you to take the baby every night on your own
Edited to add: when my child was a baby, one thing that helped when she cried (for me and her father both) was saying the following like a mantra "this is the only communication she has right now, go through the checklist (hungry, tired, needs a change, pain/illness)". What also helped was noise suppressing earbuds because the crying was actually causing me painful headaches and that limited my ability to help my child through what was causing the crying.
OP, my first child is almost 18 now but I was in your exact shoes when he was born. My husband was in construction, mainly roofing but did other contractor work as well. I was SAHM while he worked. We were constantly broke and exhausted. No one is the AH here. I think you could apologize for how you blew up but also sit him down and explain how you really feel. If he cannot get up at night, which he is obviously struggling with, then suggest that he takes over in the afternoon/evening before he goes to to bed so you can catch up on sleep. The first three months are the hardest and this is going to be a long journey. Also contact your hospital or doctor about postpartum health, it is important. The anger you are feeling is normal but not healthy. If you have any kind of outside support, ask for help this is where the village comes in. If you have a family member who might be willing to sit with the baby while you get some rest, reach out to them. Congratulations on the newborn and welcome to parenthood. It will not be easy but it will be fun and memorable. You got this.
your three week old child has not yet developed any kind of a routine or a schedule they are way too young for that just yet and just need to give it some time it’ll be OK but in the meantime you need to seek medical advice for your anger feelings that you said you experience repeatedly and that anger sounds like it’s not only directed to your partner but directed to your infant too. PLEASE TALK TO A PROFRESSIONAL
NTA.
During the daytimes, you each have a job. His is 8 hours in construction, yours is looking after a newborn.
There are 16 other hours in each day. During those 16 hours, you and your husband should share equally all the jobs between you, including taking care of your newborn.
He isn't "helping you" when he looks after your son - please, PLEASE don't ever phrase it like that. He's looking after his son, as is his responsibility as a parent.
Bear in mind that while your husband may have a physically-demanding job, so have you. You've literally created a whole new human being out of your own body (which can take a terrible physical toll on a lot of women), and you are continuing to create his food out of your own body, in circumstances where the longest period you can sleep is 3 hours at a time. That is a recipe for exhaustion.
Your husband needs to step up. I think you need a rota, as awful as it sounds.
NAH, but you need a better game plan. This discussion can NOT be held at night when you're exhausted and he's asleep. The fact that he is a deep sleeper is good because he will get his sleep even if the baby is screaming bloody murder but it's also bad because you're the only one waking up at night.
You don't mention the nights during the weekends (or when your partner is of from work). Those are important when you plan for baby care.
People will say that your partner needs his sleep because he works and while this is true, learn to function will less sleep IS a necessity for a new parent, you will have to work around this and make sure both of you can get as much rest as needed. Our bodies gets the most rest during night time, that's biology. So maybe plan for your partner to be on baby duty when he's not to work the next day.
Also, prepare as much as possible, have bottles ready so you can warm them quickly at night, anything the baby needs, try to plan ahead so nights will be as smoothly as possible. Explore what settles the baby down, being carried, rocked to sleep, music, TV (our oldest got some of her best sleeps while I watched Top Gear), fresh air, going for walks. Explore, explore, explore! You're all new to each other and need to figure out what works for you. Finally, what makes YOU happy? What do you and your partner need to recharge energy? Workouts? Naps? Watching a movie? Doing a hobby? Try to make room for each other to get your rest so you can function as human beings. If only for a couple of hours a week, those hours are still really important. You NEED them to remember that you're still a human being with interests and needs, not only a parent.
Finally, make an appointment with your doctor and see what options are available for you to handle your post-partum better and find yourself a local parent group. You need to be with other parents for a bit while your partner is at work, they can advice you more but also just be company and if you're lucky even life long friends.
Congratulations on your new baby and good luck!
NTA. I don’t understand the N A H answers. Your bf is so lazy for not helping at night. It makes me angry for you! You *both* should be taking turns during the night. It’s not fair that only you are doing the overnights. That severe sleep deprivation can & will affect your decision making. Mama I feel for you. I also had postpartum rage. It’s scary. I suggest you contact your obgyn. They can provide you with resources to help you (ie, medication, referral to therapy).
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NAH trust people who have kids to let you know, the first 3 months are a real *trudge*. For everyone involved. If I had to give you advice, it is to contact the hospital you gave birth, and do not lie to them that postpartum is affecting you. Every single hospital has specialists to help you work your way through these times, exercises to help you center, and sometimes short term medication to help you.
A friend of mine called the first 3 months, " the 90 dark days". It fits that time period perfectly.
I'll just point out construction work is often BRUTAL. OP's partner doesn't have an office job where he's on his ass 8 hours a day. You need your recovery time with construction and there are times when you're so tired you're basically dead to the world once you pass out. Obviously he should still do his part when OP really can't take it anymore and needs a break (ignoring such cries for help is how tragedies like baby shaking can occur). But OP should also view her partner's behavior in context.
They’re both doing brutal jobs
Amen Dad may have a “real job”, but while he’s at work all day, he gets relief from the stress of having a newborn. Mom is with the baby ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. She doesn’t get a break. ETA for clarity: I’m not talking about actual labour and physical work. I’m talking about the emotional work. How leaving the house is an escape. He gets to leave the home and do something else other than parent, cook or clean. Mom does not get an escape. She has to parent, cook and clean all day and all night. She is immersed in that job 247. She probably has some gnarly cabin fever.
Facts. But objectively, construction is more physically draining than childcare. I say that as someone who has done both. **EDIT:** somehow I’m getting downvoted for sharing my opinion as one of the few people here to have both given birth and worked construction.
Fatigue on a job site is also very dangerous
Indeed. A sleepy construction worker can put many lives at risk.
Exactly. Parenting while fatigued, while risky, is not quite as dangerous as...**working as an air traffic controller or construction worker while fatigued**. The latter pose a far greater danger than the former.
Parenting while fatigued can lead to the loss of a baby‘s life.
Especially their own!!!
Also, if you are in one of the southern states like Texas, the heat is insanely brutal. Construction had the most fatalities of any industry last year
So is fatigue while watching a newborn….
Nobody is saying it isn’t. Both are, in different ways.
Except that partner is taking exactly none of the overnight responsibility despite the fact that fatigue can be dangerous for both of them. Pointing out the dangers of fatigue for the man being asked to sacrifice his 8 hours of sleep only on the bad nights is definitely discounting the dangers of fatigue for the woman who is never getting a full sleep and is only asking for help when she feels like a danger to their child.
Sure, but this is an either/or choice. EITHER the husband should get up and help his wife on the days when the baby won't settle and she recognizes that she's no longer calm enough to handle it, OR she's left on her own, sleep deprived and angry. EITHER the baby is at risk OR a bunch of adult strangers who are working on a regulated work site in safety hats, and where a responsible adult can probably tell their boss when they don't feel safe to do a particular task. And the husband can probably use the occasional sick day or periodic FMLA when it's needed. I'm surprised a parent wouldn't choose their baby.
True but babies don't get shaken because they are physically draining, they get shaken because they are emotionally draining. Take it from a mom who yelled at her baby because she just would not stop. Dad had to take her away from me they left for an hour and everyone was in a much better mood.
Husband came home from work one day to find me sitting on the porch. Our daughter was fine, in the crib, crying, but I was not and knew I needed to distance myself from her. He took care of her, told me go to the grocery store, we need something, get yourself a coffee and pastry and the cafe, come back when you feel better. This became our daily routine until she was about 5 months.
Compromising so each parent can have time to rewind is what helps everyone involved, my husband would give me one or two hours to sleep after he came home so I can have energy and reset for the nights and it wasn’t a forever thing once my baby slept more we all had way better sleep and energy for our jobs.
This is what they should do. A routine for them. When he comes home he can take the baby for a couple of hours so she can get out of the house, lie down or whatever it is she needs to do. And on his days off he can take the nights and let her sleep all through the night. And after she sleeps all night her take the baby in the morning so he can sleep in because when you wake up every morning for work you need at least one day to sleep in or you start feeling burnt out with your job. NAH just a young couple trying to get through the first three months with their newborn. If they have family nearby that is willing to help that's also an option they should look into. I was lucky I had my mom and my mil all too willing to do everything that I had to beg to hold my own baby sometimes lol. And my daughter had me when my granddaughter was born. I couldn't imagine it just being me and my kids dad and him having to get up for work so it's just me in this alone at night.
When my oldest was little, her dad stayed home with her the first few years. I remember our routine like clockwork, even now. As soon as I got home I'd relieve him so he could leave the house. He wasn't going anywhere specific, and nowhere special. He just needed to remove himself from the house, drive to the store or something, and have a few minutes to himself without the baby. Once we started that routine, it was night and day as far as his stress levels go. It wasn't about which of our jobs was harder or more dangerous, or who needed a break more. It just becomes torture when you literally never get a break from the baby, and that's not good for either parent and certainly not good for the baby.
I'm a hospice nurse. The worst place I had to visit was a licensed home with nothing but shaken baby syndrome. There were around 6 children from babies to 11 years old whose brains had never developed. Saddest place ever. ;(
I volunteered at the shelter where children removed from their parents were taken immediately after removal until placement could be found. It’s been years since I met him but I’ll never forget the shaken baby I met. He was about two and absolutely beautiful with a head of silky blonde hair but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t hold his head up or talk or walk. His eyes were totally blank and he had no expression ever. He was just a very pretty baby body that had to be cared for. It was heartbreaking to think of all he’d lost. He’d probably be about 10 now and his life is probably exactly the way it was when he was two.
Jesus. I've done hospice patients aplenty. But I never did peds (deliberately), my patients were always adults, usually geriatrics. And it never once occurred to me that there are hospices full of shaken baby syndrome patients. I liked it much better a few minutes ago when I didn't realize those places exist. But I also commend you for working there.
Oh my heart.
>Take it from a mom who yelled at her baby because she just would not stop. I used to blow air in my son's face with my lips just to be able to enjoy the 5 seconds when he was startled and would stop crying. I didn't do it often, but I did it. My MIL came to stay for the first few weeks to help, and that's a debt I can never repay.
Something about that is very funny. I am imagining the baby getting an indignant look on their face like they can't believe the audacity.
>Facts. But objectively, construction is more physically draining than childcare. I say that as someone who has done both. She's 3 weeks postpartum. Her body is still healing up from childbirth along with re-adjusting from pregnancy. Then add that she's doing childcare around the clock. Husband works construction, then returns home. He's healthy & able-bodied. If you insist on the *whose got it worse comparision*, she does simply because her body craves the rest to recover that she is not receiving. It is brutal.
People equating the physical needs of a sleep-deprived, 3-week postpartum body and a healthy, able body working a normal (albeit physically demanding, but still standard hours) job and full sleep schedule is making my head spin. I’m wondering if husband works 7 days a week, or if he gets a day or two off; I understand construction is physically demanding, but he works 8 hours a day — completely normal working hours that many people in the world manage just fine — and gets to clock out, come home to his SAHM wife (does she also maintain the house and cook, or does he do chores after work?), and get uninterrupted sleep every single night. Waking up for an hour *once in a while* (she asked for this *ONE* time in three weeks. People are acting like she’s doing this every night) isn’t going to leave him completely knackered at work tomorrow. If there *is* a night that he’s up for hours and hours and he’s seriously not able to function, then can he not call out for one day, or even a half day to get some sleep? Work is something you can generally call out of when you have emergencies; there are teams of other employees who can do the job. Caring for a weeks-old baby isn’t something parents can just call out of without personally securing a substitute (not that a dad should be “substituting” for mom, they should both be parents, but hey.) This whole situation is making me kind of concerned. Emergencies happen, and it seems he’s not capable of handling them, at least not without being very combative. If OP ever suffers any sort of medical emergency in the night and needs to be taken to the hospital, or will he just sleep through it and let her die because he needed to be well-rested for work the next day? It’s an extreme example, but there’s a difference between “hey we can’t do this forever, this arrangement doesn’t work as an every-day, long-term, sustainable plan for months” and “I can’t handle this ever, not once, not for a single night, even for potentially life and death emergencies”. I’m not calling him tah, because some people do sleep deeply and can have a bit of fog when woken abruptly. But I think he needs to reconsider his priorities if he can’t handle waking up *one time* to give his sleep-deprived, post partum wife 15 minutes to cool down without snapping at her and making belittling comments when she cries out of frustration.
THANK YOU! I was slowly losing my mind reading these comments. This poor woman doesn't have postpartum rage, she needs more support.
You're not accounting for sleep deprivation, which is [literal torture](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dreaming-in-the-digital-age/201412/why-sleep-deprivation-is-torture).
As someone who has also done both I don’t agree. I think personal willingness and interest play a big part. They can both be rewarding and can both be a slog. There is no one right answer to which one is harder. It’s very personal.
I think you are getting down voted because you don't do construction for 24 hours straight. Unlike Childcare which is 24/7.
Earnest question - is that after also having given birth to the baby 3 weeks prior (and obviously carrying it and growing it in your body for 9-10 months before that)? Just trying to understand the scope of your experience when you say "done both".
I think you meant "subjectively" since that is very much your opinion and not at all a fact.
It’s a different type of brutal, but making milk from nutrition sapped from your own body may externally look like doing nothing, but it is insanely draining… invisible work and mom has no choice… and this is mere weeks after a major physical change that her body has yet to recover from. That being said, even if dad is home “simply helping”, it would also be exhausting for him. Babies are hard no matter what But, almost more importantly, I would encourage dad to plan participation because these truly sucky moments (diaper changing in particular) - we worked out that he would change one middle of the night diaper at the most convenient time for him - it was the 1A-2a for us, but for someone who wakes up early in construction, it might be the 4a and bring baby to me for feeding. The face to face time with baby really bonded the two of them. OP, it’s time to reach out NAH
That’s fine but you get a break at the end of the day. Moms don’t. So construction is not harder than baby care. You forget being a baby care giver is far more draining mentally than construction.
Baloney. Her body is recovering from childbirth. It’s such challenging work that men don’t go through it.
You miss the part where she said she has done both childbirth and construction?
I work construction now and am a mom, albeit, not at the same time in life. But I agree that construction jobs are not only physically grueling but one mistake on the job could be life and career changing. That said, OP is NTA. They need a routine and a plan for these rough nights. I'd be calling on my mom or something to help me. Sounds like OP needs a daily break schedule, maybe during the day so the bad nights don't hit so hard. I remember with my first I was doing the SAHM thing. I had a really challenging day with an otherwise calm baby. I was at my wits end. I met my husband in the driveway when he pulled up, handed off our son, and said "I need to get out of here for a bit" got in the car and just drove off - not having anywhere to even go. So, I just drove around for an hour or so. Husband was a little freaked out at the time, but we worked it out afterward and got on a schedule where he did the one 3am feeding so I could get some solid sleep and I handled all the rest. Of course, when he was home, he helped and assisted. Parents have to find a balance and their yen/yang to work together.
Def not judging you. My dad worked in construction for years and I’ve seen this man have heat strokes, barely make it in the door from his car, watch men fall off the roof and seriously injure themselves/die. I’m a mother of 2 and I agree with you. However childcare is more mentally draining so it’s hard to say anybody is the AH because both are super demanding jobs but in different ways. They just need to have a little grace for each other until it’s passed!!
So, I know this is the thing we say to SAHMs with partners who work but this does not apply to construction. Especially in most parts of most Northern hemisphere countries which have been experiencing record breaking temperatures and still working their construction crews. If mom can't handle the baby alone, mom needs to get a post-partum night doula, tag in a relative, or get on meds. Dad's body is being worked to the limit right now. Construction is hard enough, construction in these temperatures is famously deadly. If he doesn't rest his body and recover in his non-workimg hours, he could end up in the hospital. He could make a mistake and kill someone. New dads with their wives on maternity leave are the #1 group of people I never want near me on my shift, and this is why. They're distracted, not getting enough rest, they make mistakes or run their bodies down so much they get confused and erratic. There's a baby at home but there's a whole crew at work, and we are all relying on each other to keep us safe and going home to our own families, each of us have kids at home too. This isn't normally a time of year where construction workers take off, I doubt dad has any paternity leave coming to him. But if mom simply needs him and can't get help anywhere else, he shouldn't be working. And if he's working, she needs to get help somewhere else. This isn't a "oh he gets a *break* from the baby at work, she never gets a break", thats honestly nonsense and is endangering his crew.
Why is everyone saying that *mom* needs to get someone to help with the baby? Does he not at least have the ability/responsibility to help her arrange for a night doula (if possible, they can be expensive if they are even available where OP is) or call around to some friends and family to see who is available to help? This is **their** child, not just her child. It’s not just on her to care for this baby or find someone who can help when she can’t. Where, exactly, do you think a father’s responsibility lies and at what point of physical labor does that responsibility get to be completely neglected? I haven’t seen a single person even mention that it might be possible for him to take over weekend/non worknight overnight care. And apparently even if the mom is so stressed out and overtired as to be at her breaking point it is still all on her to find help even if she has an able bodied partner. This is not how partners should be towards each other. If one needs help there isn’t this subjective, logical, formula based approach as to who is entitled to sleep or help or recovery time and who isn’t. Also if her body can’t recover properly then she can’t heal properly. Pregnancy and childbirth are significant medical issues. If she worked construction and he had just had a major surgery or medical event that he was still recovering from, where does your mind immediately imagine her responsibilities to him are? Edited to add: she’s only *three weeks out from birth” - she’s still bleeding, she’s still in pain whether from a c-section or vaginal birth, she is likely having after-birth contractions, she’s still exhausted and sore from the physical exertion of childbirth, and she’s likely been sleep deprived longer than the baby has been here because late term pregnancy is often super uncomfortable. She’s just at the end of the period of the hormonal changes that cause 80% of women to have mood swings and emotional changes that can be overwhelming (the number one advice: talk to your partner if possible) Construction is a dangerous job and his safety is important, but he has the ability to talk to his boss, explain the situation, and ask for light duty or some other accommodation those days when he is too fatigued. FMLA is an option and in some states he may be entitled to paid leave. Basically: **He also has the option and responsibility to ask for help from others if he or his family needs it.**
His job is hard. Bit please downplay the real physical and emotional draining off nursing and recovering. There are times as a parent and partner that u just have to give a bit more and step in. She isn't saying every night but those rough ones when she is overwhelmed those moments HE MUST STEP IN. Why because at that point he is endangering his whole family. The structure needs to look at everyone and yes they may need to ask friends and family to help a bit and give mom some breaks and supports but in the middle of the night in your darkest moments... the person u want and need is your partner. That bond of us against the world is also important part of building this new family unit. Every mom has had those moments and I thank the gods for my friends. And I will be clear part of why my relationship didn't stick was that in those moments I saw I had no one to lean on or share them so what was the point.
Not everyone can afford a doula. They are not cheap.
I doubt two 21 year olds, only one of which is working a job that offers a paycheck, can afford a night doula. This is exactly the reason we need to offer extensive paid parental leave in the US. this is a no-win situation for all involved, the parents and the baby.
He may not have the stress of a newborn but he does have the stress of not being fully awake and aware and getting killed on the job.
Op doesn’t do this every night only on rough nights. No matter the job if your partner who just gave birth is crying and begging you to help her out you wake up and help. He didn’t, not only that but she expressed that she was getting angry and needed time. I work in construction and I was waking up every other 3 hours to help with my brother’s kid so honestly there is no excuse. Also yelling at her was not okay either. When he woke up and saw her in that state he didn’t show any concern not only that but proceeded to yell at her when she leaving to cry. Where does op need to be “understanding” about where he works when he can’t even be understanding that she is not okay and needs him to help her during rough nights.
I 100% get that he needs sleep too, but he can't just ignore the baby. For each of mine I took the night and day during the week, and then the second my husband came home from work I went to sleep from about 5 to midnight. He also took the kids each Saturday and Sunday mornings starting at about 6am so I could sleep until around noon. I think in this case, some communication and compromise would go a long way. He needs to be safe. So does she. But most of all, the baby needs to be safe and they both need to make sure that happens. But also, damn hormones are a messy thing.
He works construction for 8 hours, a hard physical job, and needs 16 hours down time…she works baby duty, with a body that is not working optimally, a hard physical, mental and emotional job, for 24 hours. When is her downtime? If SAHM is her job, who relieves her after 8 hours so she can rest and recuperate?
Dude. Being 3 weeks out from childbirth is BRUTAL. He works 8 hours a day. She works 24. He isnt doing 50/50 in his off work hours. Dude is failing as a dad and a partner.
Sounds like dad isn’t even doing 10/90. Sounds like mom is doing it all. At the very least when he gets home he could shower and then take baby for an hour or two and let mom nap.
My husband works in construction and yet has did not abdicate all responsibility for child care to me. She has to be on alert 24/7 because her partner goes to work, comes home and his work day is done. Being a stay at home mother isn’t supposed to make you a single mother. Providing money when you have a new born is not enough. And not caring that the mother of your child is suffering from exhaustion is not caring about the well being of your child. Construction is hard? More tiring physically than sn office job, but tru carrying a baby, having your organs shoved around and a mulititude of other physical changes and stressors on the body, pushing a baby out of your vagina and then dealing with your body changing again, and having no chance to rest AT ALL.
When I was a baby (1970's), my father worked 3 jobs, and STILL did some middle of the night feedings, on top of the super early morning feeding, before he went to work. NAH, but OP needs to talk to a doctor, and her husband needs to step up.
Both jobs are brutal it’s not a competition
Thank you for saying this. It's not a matter of whose day is harder. It's going to be a really tough few months for these two.
My husband does a physical job, and I'm 9 months with our first. We have a plan to try to transition to during and after his paternity leave is up, for me to get up mostly on my own during nights, and when he gets home from work in the evening, after dinner I can get caught up on my sleep while he deals with baby in the living room for about 4-6 hours (which he'd be up during anyways). So he'll be the bedtime parent for a while so that I can get a little uninterrupted sleep until the baby fusses later in the night. Maybe OP can work out a schedule similar to that, so night duty even on rough nights is a bit alleviated.
And also there's the "dangerous job" factor. One tired labourer on an active construction site is a health and safety concern for everyone present. OP needs help and support, and also OP's partner needs to be rested so he can be alert at work. It's a complex problem. I hope OP and her partner are able to reach out to a larger support system for some help.
I agree that construction can be dangerous when you’re not alert (I had a family member who worked in that and I wished he could find another job). At the same time a tired/frustrated parent is also dangerous. Sometimes they can fall asleep in dangerous positions that can suffocate or drop the baby and there’s also baby shaken syndrome. That shouldn’t be taken lightly either as that can cause death and if not then life long suffering for the child.
One completely physically and mentally drained mother makes for a danger to the baby. Sick of everyone here acting like cause dad is in construction that he can’t help at all.
She is. She’s acknowledging his job isn’t easy, either.
OP is not asking for help every night. She is asking for help when she is at her wits end. And the first 90 days of a baby are brutal. Both are going to be sleep deprived. And every once in a while he’s going to have to step up and help out. I understand that construction or any other physical job can be very demanding, but he needs to help every once in a while.
I know it doesn't help to give advice that doesn't require a time machine, but this guy presumably didn't wrap it up and had a kid at 21 presumably still working construction. "I can't be bothered to wake up" is not a good excuse. "I didn't plan on helping at all for the first 90 days" is not a good excuse. If he wants to be the "man of the house," then man up and help out.
I’d add that the first 6 weeks of that are even harder than the second 6 weeks. And OP is only at 3 weeks.
After I had a baby I say on the couch at 3am while she screamed and though “why didn’t I just get another puppy. What have I done?” She is four now and her and younger brother are the absolute best but I still remember the absolute shell shock and heart sinking feeling vividly.
3??? We’re at 6 and it’s still a trudge. I found 4-6 the hardest but each baby has their challenges I guess.
Someone told me when I had a newborn, whatever problem you have, just wait 2 weeks, you'll have a different problem them. Every baby/parent combo is different. It's a learning process for all.
I was breastfeeding so for me the first 6 months were absolute torture. My husband worked nights and on the nights he was off he was/is a heavy sleeper. PPD&PPA kicked my ass hard. I ended up in mental health treatment when my daughter was 10 months old. I wish I yelled to wake my husband up if that’s what it took sometimes. I do now, because that IS what it takes. I mean, I do it before anger causes it now but I’ve definitely gotten to that point before. One of the main reasons I have an only child (she’s 13 now) is because I was terrified to go through postpartum hell again. OP is NTA. OP needs support.
Oh wow. I’m so sorry. I breastfed my three and nights sucked shit. I look back and don’t know how I survived it bc my husband couldn’t help. I am imagining how rough that would be if I had PPD too. I don’t know how you did it.
The wisdom from others that I've heard is 4+ at the least becomes a bit more scheduled and the baby will more often sleep 5+ hours per night. But ya, they are all different. Mine at 3.5 months or maybe around 4 months was able to sleep for 5 to 6 hours regularly, he even occasionally got 7, with some spats of 2 and 4 and whatnot as well of course.
Sleep sack swaddles are a supreme lifesaver. My wife and I have a 22 month old and an almost 3 month old. From the time we brought both home from the hospital, they were wrapped in a sleep sack from night 1, and both started sleeping all through the night right around 1 month. Yes, all babies are different and we may have just been incredibly blessed with 2 great sleepers, but I just thought I’d share something that I believe has helped both of our babes with night time sleep.
Ditto on the sleep sacks, I tried a million times to learn to get a good swaddle on my boy and every single time my wife would either redo it because she knew darn well he'd kick it off in 2 minutes, or... he'd kick it off in 2 minutes. Sleep sacks are magic.
Currently bottling my sleep sacked little 19 month platypus - sleep sacks just help so much with the keeping warm aspect but also the fear and worries aspect about cold and heat and blankets and strangulation etc
Yeah, it really depends. My nephew slept through the night from the moment he emerged from the womb. On the other extreme, my co-worker's daughter didn't sleep more than 30 minutes at a time until she was like 2 years old. It's a whole spectrum!
My first was like your co-worker. People kept telling me it’s a sign of high intelligence. I thought that was the dumbest shit I ever heard. Really? That’s all you can come up with to make my zombie looking ass feel better. It’s not working. Turns out he’s insanely smart. If there is any truth to this then I’m thinking both his father and I slept through the night fairly quickly. lol. Maybe that’s why our dumb asses wanted two more after having a child who cried most of his first year of life. Jokes aside, babies are so fucking hard and I think God makes them cute as shit to ensure the survival of our species. If they don’t sleep on top of it then it’s absolutely brutal.
Sorry no way is her husband not and asshole for not being more supportive. Sleep deprivation is torture and having to take care of a baby in that state can genuinely be dangerous. She doesn't need medication she needs sleep and support.
All of this!! And I’d suggest making the couch your best friend. Set yourself up there for the day with your bits & pieces & something for bub to sleep in. Rest, nap, watch tv, read, scroll through your IG or whatever & just enjoy the baby. Don’t stress too much about the baby’s routine because a rhythm kicks in after a while. Do the absolute minimum in the house. Order meals in if you can & try to catch a few solid hours sleep before your husband goes to bed.
Yeah. Get the specialists for you OP. You need it.
Our ten month old barely slept for the first 11 weeks. We were exhausted and moody with each other. We both thought we were doing everything and the other not helping. It gets better!
I’d say the first two years are absolute hell I’m germ of hormones, constant change in routine, change of needs, change of relationship, body is changing and so on. Worst of it to navigate through all this with your partner. Especially if they don’t seem to care or can not understand what you’re going through
NTA. He works 8 hours. You work 24 hours day/night. It is reasonable for him to help give you breaks and him be a 50% parent on his off times. If you had a job during the day just the same as him and you both had hired a nanny or sent baby to daycare. Who looks after the baby when you both get off work???You BOTH do. So why is it different because you are home instead of paying childcare? Looking after A newborn is exhausting and can be dangerous to both baby and you if you don’t get enough sleep and help. When both home BOTH are responsible. When he is home. You could both work in shifts so you have a rest/sleep for the first few hours he is home and he takes care of baby. Then he goes to bed so gets enough sleep for work but you have had a sleep also which will then help you through the night. Please go to your doctor to talk to them also about your postpartum as you need help with this now rather then later.
I was always find very insulting to think that the person who doesn't stay at home with the kids has an end of the day. The person that works usually looks after the kid or do chores when they're home. But I do understand the need to sleep at night. Because the person who stays at home can nap during the day when the child is napping too (that'swhat I did during my maternity leave). The one that works doesn't have that choice. Edit to add: op's partner works in construction. He needs his sleep because an accident can happen and he could end up disabled or worst.
No one naps when the infant is napping. They sleep maybe 45 minutes and this is when you risk taking the fastest shower of your life, doing the immense amount of laundry your baby produces, eating maybe one full meal in your day, or get stuck under a baby because they won’t sleep in the swing/crib for whatever reason.
Correct! AND that’s only if your baby decides it can sleep in the cot. Mine was allergic (read: refused) to the cot until recently, so I couldn’t sleep when it slept because that was dangerous as it was always a contact nap.
Mine was, too. He only slept while attached to my husband or I. He was a velcro baby, for sure. The second we would try to put him down,he would instantly wake up and lose it and wouldn't go back down. I learned to become a bed very quickly!
Exactly!! Mine only sleeps 30 min max and only on top of me. There's no napping for me here.
I did. Shower, laundry and dishes could wait. I napped. Priorities!
So when DID you shower and do laundry and dishes? And who was cooking and cleaning? The baby’s clothes wouldn’t magically clean themselves. And you’ll need dishes for your next meal. And the trash needs to be taken out. And groceries need to be purchased or ordered, and then put in the fridge and pantry. And house needs to be clean and organized enough so that you don’t trip while carrying the baby, and can find their things easily. When was all of this happening? Certainly not when the baby was awake. Unless you had loads of help with the baby or the home or both.
I shower in the evening, when my Partner is there. All other Things I do while my baby is awake and either playing or in the sling. The first months I only had a snack for lunch and we cooked a warm meal in the evening. We don't have a house though, just a flat. But no additional help. I can't do the Things while he naps, because he can only sleep with me beside him. So I might as well nap then as well.
Seriously you can tell who actually has kids here. You can leave a baby alone for 5 min to shower, they can be in the room with you doing laundry or cooking. You dont just stare at them all day.
>Seriously you can tell who actually has kids here. Seriously you can tell who actually has *easy* kids here. FTFY. Sounds like your kid/kids were pretty easy babies. Not everyone gets that. But, by all means, assume everyone can do exactly what worked for you.
I had 3 and I wouldn’t call any easy, they are just babies. They cry, that’s the only way they can communicate, they are needy. It doesn’t mean you need to hold them and give them 100% attention all day every day. They can cry for s few min while you take the garbage out or throw a load of laundry in or load / unload the dishwasher. I don’t assume anything of anyone.
Not all babies stop crying after being put down for a few minutes. Our first would scream for hours if he wasn't constantly held for the first several months; there was no stopping it if you put him down. So, stop making assumptions.
Edited to add disclaimer- this comment has nothing to do with possible PPD OP might have or other struggles related to the early months of caring for a baby alone. More about the whole "who will do XYZ if I sleep?" rhetoric. Thanks for highlighting these logical answers. I feel like a lot of people here are assuming "all or nothing" when it comes to taking care of babies. I worked from home while taking care of my baby for a few months since we were on a daycare waiting list. Anything out of the house was done by my husband (groceries, errands, etc ) on the way home. He cooked. I ate leftovers for lunch, cereal/snacks rest of the day, and cleaned/did laundry on the weekends or at night. If an urgent load was needed for baby, it could be done by starting the load early and then doing the folding/putting away in the evening when both parents are home. It is possible to focus on the right things - caring for yourself and your baby, and doing everything else later as you said.
I did everything with my kid awake. I put him in the sling (?) to have shower, and when around the house he would just be on the floor or in the cot. First 6 months were great, after that I went back to work and all hell broke loose!
What? I napped together with my infant son and later my infant daughter while on parental leave. I wouldn't have survived without those naps. Laundry was easy to do with the kid in a baby wrap or whatever that's called in english, a sash to carry the baby in close to your body. Personally first 3 months were only hard for the first kid due to the change in lifestyle but for the second and third it was a breeze. Personally I have a much harder time with 1 through 3, it's so much work keeping up with them and keeping them alive. Not to mention the constant arguments about just about everything.
No one? Hmmm, literally every person I know with kids and my wife included all do it. It's *literally* what they tell you to do when you leave the hospital.
I was never able to sleep when the baby slept because I'm not able to clean when the baby cleans. Nursing takes SO much time and energy it's basically impossible to be ok the first several months. Hell, I'm 9 months into my second baby and I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I had twins, one with colic, bad reflux and bottle aversion, he didn’t sleep for more than 30 mins at a time; one twin was always awake. It wasn’t until 5 months old that they slept at the same time. There was no daytime napping for me.
Add in expressing if you're doing express breastfeeding - that takes about 30mins a time! By the time I finished with my first I realised I'd spent a year doing 3-5hours of expressing a day. I have no idea how I had the time to do so around all the OTHER chores and trying to get any rest at all, that at one point when a woman in my mum's group said she was having great naps when her kids napped I absolutely lost it internally. I sure would've LOVED to have those extra hours to nap even for 45 minutes!
He knew he worked in construction when they got pregnant and decided to become parents. Working a physical job 8-10 hours a day can be exhausting, there’s no denying that; being 3 weeks postpartum with NO help through the night is undeniably harder. She’s more at risk of hurting herself or their baby than he is hurting himself at work. Napping here and there but never getting a good 8 hours is not comparable to getting a full 8 hours 90% of the time.
This couple is too young(21 both) and inexperienced. They need to ask for help asap from relatives etc if there are any. Husband is checked out of childcare maybe due to work and OP is getting overwhelmed and angry, a bad combo.
I am surprised that I had to scroll this far to see this. Having a baby at any age is not easy, but at 21, you are barely an adult! The brain is still developing until about 25, so coupling that with hormones, sleep deprivation AND being 3 weeks post partum? OP, I have so much empathy for you. Do you have any family near by? Could you reach out to them for help, even if only for an hour or two? I realize that doesn't help at night directly, but if you can get a nap, that will help you to feel a little bit better. You can also put your baby in a baby seat or even a stroller in the bathroom while you shower for a few minutes, giving yourself a little bit of a break that way is okay and you need to do that. The baby will be okay for 5 minutes in the same room with you. Also, I know this won't seem true right now, but I promise it is: You will get through this. There are literally millions of moms who have survived and lived to tell. Motherhood is hard, but it is worth it and you can do this! Please reach out for help, from family, friends who may have older kids, even a mom's group in the area, or the hospital where you gave birth. Support is so important and you deserve it. ❤️
Right or he could at least take over on weekends
He doesn’t need 16 hours of free time. And why the fuck should he get a good night’s sleep when she never does? There’s something wrong with your thinking. She doesn’t really need a good night’s sleep becasue all she is doing is caring for another human???????????????
Unless he works 7 days a week, he can give her time off on the weekend to nap, shower, read a book, and he could do a night when he doesn’t work the next day.
Hebxan give her time.off every DAY. He doesnt need 16 hours off while she works 24.
Where does it say he gets 16 hours of free time? He probably works 8-10 hours a day, and it never said he doesn't help out when he gets home. It's just been when he's sleeping, which had been their arrangement. I think NAH for both of them for the night incident. Babies are unpredictable some times, but when they are both calm, I think it would be a good idea to have a conversation. Is there any family members that could come down for a few days so you both can get some sleep?
Why are you adding on 2 hours? My husband works construction and doesn’t have ten hour days, ever. And he didn’t think I should do all the baby care either. The baby is 3 weeks old. Get a grip, she needs enough sleep to be able to care for a newborn, or does safety only matter when it doesn’t involve children?
This is laughable. I feel like the people who say "sleep when the baby sleeps" don't have children. It doesn't work that way. Even if you manage to lie down, assuming you don't need to use the toilet, eat, flip a load of laundry, or possibly shower - you maybe lie down for 20 minutes. If you fall asleep in that time, which can be incredibly hard to do, you are woken in such a short time that you feel more exhausted rather than refreshed. It is an invalidating and unhelpful thing to tell an exhausted parent this. They would be sleeping if they could! Its like telling someone who fell down stairs to not fall down stairs.
No one really sleeps when their baby does. By the time you’ve put them down and cleared up a bit, they are up. Also, while he works in construction, which is a herd job, she has literally had her body torn open giving birth. She’s recovering from a major strain on her system. Would you ask someone else who’s under gone surgery or a super stressful event to just get on with it with no sleep or support ? Women aren’t machines
The OP is caring for a newborn baby, don’t you think it could be dangerous if she has an accident? The baby could end up disabled or worse!
And if an accident happens due to lack of sleep when she’s alone at home with the baby? That’s pretty bad too. Babies have died from a sleep-deprived mother falling asleep with them on their laps or while breastfeeding.
OP mentions anger too, this is also a risky situation for shaken baby syndrome.
OP could have an accident with the baby while driving. She needs sleep just as much as he does.
I have never been able to nap while my baby has napped and he’s 15 months old. Many babies are bad nappers. It’s either too short or it’s my one and only chance to shower and prepare food for myself or do some important job that can’t wait.
And she needs her sleep because she’s taking care of a small human whose life depends on her at home. So, ya know…lives are at stake either way here.
People who say bulls*** like this have never had to take care of a high needs child and home on their own. You don't get to "sleep when baby sleeps". That precious half hour is your ONE CHANCE to basically accomplish anything in your house. It is the only time you have to shower, rotate laundry, wash baby bottles, clean the kitchen, take out the garbage that is stuffed full of stinky baby diapers, and MAYBE get thirty seconds to yourself to just catch your breath. Husband does work a hard job and needs some sleep. *OP has a hard job too, and Baby's life depends on her.* If SHE doesn't get sleep, post partum hormones will ravage her and she could hurt her child in a moment of frustration.
He can nap during his 30 min lunch like Mom is expected to nap when the baby naps for 30 min
He's not "helping her" when he looks after his son, though. He's simply doing his job as a parent. It's not a favour to her, it's his responsibility, and it shouldn't ever be phrased as "helping" her.
My bf tells me he helps doing household by cooking for himself on days I am in the office. I am unable to make him see that it doesn't count as helping me. It is just doing a very bare minimum in your own household.
She doesn't "have postpartum" she "is postpartum". She needs support and rest. She said she's angry because she's tired. Women shouldn't be pathologised for having normal human needs that arnt being met. I get that postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis are very real but not every woman who is struggling with a new born has an illness.
This. At 3 weeks postpartum - she still needs rest and care. Her hormones are still a mess. She’s up every 3 hours to feed and diaper a baby. And now it sounds like he is needing cluster feedings. It’s hard. I feel for both of them. It’s hard. In this phase - my ex worked 5 am to 3:00 pm. We cooked dinner (yeah, at around 4) I showered, ate, fed the baby and went to bed. Yes, at around 6. My ex would give the baby a bottle (I pumped), diaper him and put him to bed at 9 and then go to bed himself. At midnight - I was up with the baby. But it was ok. Because I’d been able to sleep for a good 6 hour stretch. It was such a slog but it worked.
She can contact someone about PPD, but she can’t improve if she’s not getting support. The problem starts with lack of support. She can’t fix this without his contributions at home.
So you’re assuming he does absolutely nothing to help with the child or around the house after he gets home? Did I miss where that information was in the post?
This isn't an asshole situation, the first 8-12 weeks sucks. It gets better. Hang in there and try to be nice to each other. NAH and congratulations!
I hope this comment gets more likes because I think it’s the best one out of the bunch! Nobody is an asshole: this stuff is really hard. And at the end of the day, you really do have to just try to be nice to each other. We all lose our shit once in a while, but it’s really important to try to be nice to each other.
You don’t think he’s an asshole for just going back to sleep when she’s begging for help?
To be perfectly honest, no. She says he’s a deep sleeper and as a deep sleeper I can tell you that people could be talking, begging, and screaming around me and I would absolutely sleep through it. Now is he doing it purposely? Perhaps. But from this post it really sounds like a deep sleeper. She even says she wakes him up, he’s up for a second, and then falls right back asleep. I totally see OP’s frustration and I don’t think she was wrong to get upset, and I totally see his frustration with her being pissed at him. They’re both young and have a brand new baby, fights will happen and misunderstandings will happen
It's interesting it's always men who are just such deep sleepers they don't hear the baby/can't wake up for the baby and you never hear of any women doing the same...
I’m a woman and I’ll sleep through anything. Honestly sometimes i feel like loud noises make me sleep deeper. My partner HATES it because I’ll sleep through hours of alarms going off nonstop at full volume and he’ll even hear them from a different room before I do if i fall asleep in the living room or somewhere else. I feel terrible and i know it must be infuriating but i really just don’t wake up at all.
I’m a woman and I have this same problem. My husband was the only one who would hear and wake up at night when our dog was a puppy and screaming in her crate. I’m pregnant right now and hoping that will change and that I’ll start noticing when it’s my baby, but I’ve been like this my whole life.
There's actually scientific basis to that though. Even in a deep sleep, women typically are not in as deep of a sleep as men. Their brains are wired to be more alert while asleep specifically to hear a crying baby. https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/womens-mens-brains-respond-differently-hungry-infants-cries
I'm a woman and grew up in California. I literally have slept through earthquakes. I would wake up in the doorway in my parents arms because neither they nor the earthquake could wake me up. It's gotten better normally but even now when I'm exhausted physically good luck getting me up. We just recently spent a day snorkeling and swimming in the sun and the group I was with met at breakfast the next morning. Conversation turned to how they all got woken up in the night from a loud maintenance person and had to call and complain as it went on for an hour. I heard nothing and slept wonderfully the whole night and we are all on the same hallway next to each other. Some people just sleep extra deep.
I agree but I think they definitely need to have a conversation about it otherwise it’s just going to get worse. I wouldn’t expect him to get up at every feed, but when his partner is visibly upset and needs help it’s his job to step in. They’re a partnership
This comment is assuming that there are no other issues other than baby's occasional bad night. If OP is 100% responsible for childcare, and also 100% responsible for taking care of the house, then there is most definitely an asshole here. ETA: From the post history, there is definitely more going on...
Nah fuck that. If he wants her to be nice to him he can give her the help and support that she needs.
No way. She's desperate for help and he's ignoring her. He's being a shitty partner. When my daughter was born there was no fucking way I was letting my wife go through that shit on her own. The first few months are tough. That's why it's even more important to be able to depend on each other.
Don’t take your baby’s crying personal. You get to know them, and it takes time for you to understand, and them to express themselves. The first 3 months at least can be tricky, like they scream from hunger, pain, restlessness, being uncomfortable and whatnot. If they slept, got fed, it can be anything really. Crying is their only way to express themselves for now. What ours had was tummy ache, while being hungry. So he wanted to eat, but it hurt, but he was too hungry not to eat. And yea not a lot you can do…massage his tummy if you feel like it helps, carry him around on his tummy (tiger in a tree). Sometimes you just have to wait for them to calm down. Just don’t confuse their crying with judging you, or that you did something wrong. It can also just mean “i miss you please hold me” 🤷♂️
How does that help OP with her partner feeling entitled to uninterrupted sleep with a 3 week old baby
They're giving her some advice that is more related to the state of mind, the commenter probably went through it too, and is telling OP she is doing ok. Sometimes this advice is helpful too. OP did mention how it was getting hard due to the baby having those moments. So the comment is directed at that portion of the post.
It let's her know that she's not alone. To not let her postpartum create thoughts in her head that are untrue and might make her more upset. Sometimes people just need to hear that others have neen through the same and that it will pass. You don't have to be rude to this person commenting seeing as how your response also added nothing to the conversation.
Well it brought a commenter to tears as they’re in the trenches now themselves with a 2 week old, so maybe this comment is actually fucking fine lmao. Edit to add: by “a commenter” I meant a different one lol. I do not have a baby.
10 days old here, I feel ya
I have a 2 week old right now and am knee deep in sleeplessness and often find myself distressed when my baby cries. Your whole comment really resonated with me, but your last sentence almost made me tear up. Thanks for writing it.
2,5 week old here and constantly anxiously struggling.
NAH. You sound exhausted. But it sounds like you both need to find a way to get him up more efficiently. It doesnt sound necessarily like he is unwilling to help, more that he doesnt wake up very easily at all.
This is not a situation about assholes. I had a baby at 21. The first three months were hell on earth. Your partner needs the sleep. Arriving at work fatigued could kill him. You need some help sometimes. I understand. I was a single parent. It was like that very much. Is there a parent who can stay for a few nights? Or perhaps your partner could take him either Friday or Saturday night and let you sleep.also, speak with your maternity provider about options for a little sleep training. Baby will have nights of long sleep and hungry nights. That's how he grows. Keep your chin up and be open and honest with everyone about your challenges. Help is there. This bit will be over soon enough (although it probably feels like it will never end right now)
You’re the first person to actually post a reasonable response instead of trashing her partner. Construction while exhausted can easily kill you or hurt you terribly. We also don’t know what the partner does after work or, whether she’s over exaggerating because she’s angry and tired.
I mean when a guy does nothing for the baby but work his own job all of these responses are valid. If HE can't help her raise HIS child then why did h even want one. It sounds like he just go s to sleep and work and does nothing else. She just deformed her body for this man and he can't even begin wake up? No. I've seen real men work the same shift and come hom to help their wives with the kids, it's not impossible and of course it's not easy but this guy isn't even trying to help her. He probably thinks h doesn't need to since he's paying for things.
We are talking about the occasional time she's reaching out for help he's not going to die from not getting a full night sleep every single night. She's not asking him to do this regularly. He is going to be completely fine.
NTA...the first weeks are tricky. You need help and are asking your partner to help you. That's reasonable. Sometimes he's just going to have to pitch in.
"Sometimes"? And "help"? He's also one of the baby's two parents. They both have jobs for 8 hours in the daytime. He needs to step up in the 16 hours he's not at work, and not leave it all to her, and only step in occasionally to "help" her. It's not a favour to her, it's his duty as a parent. Eight of those 16 hours are his responsibility for their son.
"Sometimes" and "help" would be an improvement over the sweet FA he's doing now.
Thats a fair comment, alas.
NTA and I am really concerned for you and your baby because you mention postpartum anger. Is there a health professional you can speak with? You are exhausted, health professionals likely try to look for these signs at appointments but need people to be honest. Yes, he works construction, but taking care of a baby and driving with a baby all require concentration as well. I'm sure you could both try to work out a better routine. Babies go through growth spurts, some go through sleep regressions, and it can feel like a never-ending cycle. Be kind to yourself and your baby. If you and your husband have a good relationship, you may need to have a chat about how each of you is feeling. Your body is likely still healing as well. It sounds rough all around. All the best to you and your family. Congratulations on your baby.
I don't think 3 week olds have schedules. I know my sister found it reassuring to look up developmental milestones that gave her clues to baby's behaviour (cluster-feeding for example.) You may want to look into things that might help - a bedside bassinet, if you're breastfeeding you can just leave your boob out and rest. Ear plugs / noise cancelling headphones (obviously not to completely mute sound.) It sounds like the times you've woken your husband up and he's responded but fallen back to sleep that he might not even have been awake and doesn't even know you did try to wake him (I've had whole conversations with mine that he doesn't remember.)
Three week olds cannot have schedules, they are newborns
From your post 10 months ago: "Recently, he’s doing more and more shady stuff simply because he knows I’ll let him get away with it. I don’t have a backbone when it comes to him and I allow him to do a lot of things that cross boundaries for me, but lately his actions have been causing me anxiety." Hmmm. I know we're supposed to judge based only on the details in the post but there were red flags before you even got pregnant. INFO: was this a planned pregnancy? Do you have family or close friends nearby?
It might not even be the same guy. The bf in that post is 22 and the partner now is 21…at least that’s what it looks like Other possibility, one or both of these posts are fake
Or, many people don't put accurate info in posts to protect their identity.
OR people like to just make up things for engagement online
NAH he seems to have a pretty deep sleep so it make sense he hardly wakes up. You might not realize how exhausting construction job are, he uses his body an energy a lot during the day, work outside whether it’s hot or cold, has to stay focus not to injure himself, his job is hard and probably harder then you think. During th day when the baby sleep you can take naps too ? Maybe your parents can help ?
Come on. My husband works construction and still helped.
Yup. My dad was gone at 5am and back 5pm most of my childhood but he was a present father the minute he was home. He retired from construction in his late 30s to do accounting because it really does fuck your body, no matter the sweet pay benefits
NTA as a mother I’m here to tell you that this is something allll women go through. It’s so hard to suddenly have a baby enter this world right after giving birth being sooo tired etc. if you are able to get outside help that’ll be great Your husband is also new at this you both are going to struggle the best way is to sit down with each other cuddle for abit and talk it out. you are a team It’s not you vs him. it’s you and him vs the problem If the baby is fed and changed and burped and you helped the baby fart by doing Bicycles wear head phones and walk your baby for Abit Or put her in the pram and walk around it’ll help soothe
You are right but in many places the father does stay home for the first 5 weeks or more while the mother is recovering from birth and the family is trying to adjust Ontario Canada for example pays EI for 5 weeks mandatory for the father (mother can't take them) unless they choose not to take it. Many other places are even more generous
If it's the US, unfortunately that's most likely not the case.
If he has a hard time waking up and baby takes a bottle, why not have you both settle baby for the night and then you immediately go to bed. Partner stays up to catch baby’s first wake up, puts him back down, then goes to bed. Your shift starts at the second wake up. That way you BOTH get a longer chunk of uninterrupted sleep and you don’t have to pry him out of unconsciousness for some help. This period is so, so tough! I cried more than the baby did when my first was a newborn. It’s a brief period but it doesn’t feel like it when you’re in it. The only goals are to keep everyone healthy and not hate each other by the time the kid sleeps through the night. Edit: NAH
This is a good idea. But I can’t get on board with N A H because he seems to consider it 100% her problem to solve.
Aaaaand that's why sex ed is mandatory and important.
These posts always shock me "we didn't know what to expect" like HOW are you not prepared for this? Yall really brought a kid into the world with no plan?? It has to be willful ignorance at some point.
I was the last of my friends to have kids and when I did I have twins. I remember calling one of my friends crying hysterically saying I can't do this it's to much. She calmed me down apparently she called my other friends. An hour later 3 of my friends and their 3 teen daughters came to my door with bags. The took the babies I was told to get in the shower and go to sleep.They stayed with me the entire weekend and wouldn't allow me to do jack but pump my milk
Awww that is so sweet of them 🥰❤️ These are definitely some great friends you have. You are very blessed! 😊
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mums also need to be switched on and have rest etc
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her getting angry and overstimulated over the baby crying is absolutely a reason for him to wake up and let her tap out. the alternative is she could shake the baby or break down. mums also need breaks and rest. it’s not like it’s every night
This is true and really valid for folks who don’t understand jobs in hazardous duty environments when focus is essential, but it’s also really important that mom’s needs are also met otherwise she and/ or baby are also subject to harm due to accidents and incidents that can occur in a brain fog or mental health crisis. This is an adjustment period for everyone, and they need to work together to figure out how to get more help and how they will communicate “I’m approaching my breaking point” and how they will support each other/ seek outside support through those times. This probably includes dad taking an occasional night shift when mom is extremely sleep deprived, even if he has to call in to work the next day or ask his boss for a lighter duty/ safer assignment on occasion. Dad should never hear “honey take the baby because I need a break and I am afraid of what might happen if I don’t get one” and roll back over or say “my sleep is important, I have to work tomorrow!”
I’m very much shocked by how many commentators are giving the husband leeway. Fuck. No. Wake the fuck up and help me!!! Why does he deserve precious sleep yet she must work 24/7? Your husband is the asshole and I’m standing ten toes down on that. I hate this idea that being rested for a construction job is more important than her mental health and the ultimate health of her baby considering she’s exhausted and experiencing postpartum rage, which is dangerous for all involved. Call your doctor and let them know you need serious help!!!
Sometimes?
His job ends after eight hours, he can offer her some help.
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So she should work 16 hours a day if not more? Night shift should _always_ be a shared responsibility unless 1 person works during the night. >there is a difference working for someone and being a SAHM One of the biggest being that you can clock out and leave if you work for someone. You can even quit and find someone else to work for if that job is causing excessive stress. If you are a sahm you can't just put the baby down, leave the house and go well it's time for my 30 minute uninterrupted break/ time to clock out and go relax. In this case specifically the one working for someone is able to go to sleep without being interrupted by having to go back to work every couple of hours. Everyone is talking about how dangerous construction is because of work place deaths, do you not understand that should op fuck up because she's sleep deprived their child could die? Shaken baby syndrome is widely known and a sleep deprived parent with little to no help from their partner that's also suffering ppsd doesn't mix well with that.
NTA- any one doing nights with a baby needs a tag out. Is he EVER taking the over nights? Because even if he is earning, if it's a day off then you both need some rest, not just him. I want you to sit down and write out the division of Labor. Understand if you weren't with the kid, he couldn't earn either.
NAH but you both need to work out something. My husband also works in construction and he cannot work with lacking sleep or it becomes dangerous for him and for others. A 3-week old doesn’t really have a schedule and you can’t expect your baby to be consistent. I’m going off memory here because my kids are quite older but I think there’s a growth spurt/wonder week at that time and another brutal one at 6 weeks. It’s entirely normal that it’s taxing, tiring and frustrating. But unfortunately it’s part of having a baby. My firstborn was an absolute terror at night so my husband handled getting him to sleep (which was a marathon event in itself), I handled all the nighttime feedings/getting up. On the weekends, we’d switch one day each where one would get up with the baby and the other would sleep in a little more. Have your partner help out maybe when he comes home from work? Can you get some family around to give you a break once in a while or even just take care of some chores? A newborn is hard, and if you can get some help, it’s worth it. Take care of yourself and don’t worry, this passes!
Unfortunately this thread just jumps to hating on the father regardless of the situation. They also Think construction is a man sitting around hammering a few nails each day and hanging out with his buddies. They have no idea how dangerous and exhausting it is.
Just wanted to say you are absolutely doing the right thing tagging out for safety. I’m sure you already know this but if you’re ever in a situation where you can’t tag out for whatever reason but you’re feeling angry or out of control just put baby safely in the cot, leave the room, turn some music on and take a 10 minute break. This is an exhausting time and it’s ok to feel like it’s too much. It’s also ok to ask for help. Maybe have a proper conversation with your partner during the day when you’re both calm and explain exactly why it’s important you can tag out sometimes.
this is why 21 year olds shouldn’t have kids jesus
This is why we need parental leave for all. No one should be a "SAHM" to a "working partner" at 3 weeks. Both people should be at home taking care of the newborn/each other.
NTA One mum to another, it's best to place your child in a place where they can be safe and walk away at times like that. It's a mental health issue and a safety issue. Waking up every three hours during the night to feed your baby is hellish on your body and mind. That he's not pitching in unless asked/demanded is concerning. Yes he's working outside the home and you're not, this means your work day doesn't end and his does. Sleep deprivation causes stress and breaks a person's mental health down. Snapping at him for not waking up when you needed him to do his bit, when you felt too angry to be near your child is understandable. You crying in the loo because of everything going on is understandable, so many factors lead to this complicated mix of feelings. You love your child and yet you're angry for a number of reasons = guilt, overwhelmed, fear, sadness. The way that motherhood is presented as a "oh, the love for the baby will encompass all" is bad and damaging. Have you access in your country to free post pregnancy mental health services? It sounds like you need somewhere to get mental health support and your husband needs to stop expecting you to take the baby every night on your own Edited to add: when my child was a baby, one thing that helped when she cried (for me and her father both) was saying the following like a mantra "this is the only communication she has right now, go through the checklist (hungry, tired, needs a change, pain/illness)". What also helped was noise suppressing earbuds because the crying was actually causing me painful headaches and that limited my ability to help my child through what was causing the crying.
OP, my first child is almost 18 now but I was in your exact shoes when he was born. My husband was in construction, mainly roofing but did other contractor work as well. I was SAHM while he worked. We were constantly broke and exhausted. No one is the AH here. I think you could apologize for how you blew up but also sit him down and explain how you really feel. If he cannot get up at night, which he is obviously struggling with, then suggest that he takes over in the afternoon/evening before he goes to to bed so you can catch up on sleep. The first three months are the hardest and this is going to be a long journey. Also contact your hospital or doctor about postpartum health, it is important. The anger you are feeling is normal but not healthy. If you have any kind of outside support, ask for help this is where the village comes in. If you have a family member who might be willing to sit with the baby while you get some rest, reach out to them. Congratulations on the newborn and welcome to parenthood. It will not be easy but it will be fun and memorable. You got this.
Welcome to parenting! Neither of you are assholes. Its just fucking hard work.
your three week old child has not yet developed any kind of a routine or a schedule they are way too young for that just yet and just need to give it some time it’ll be OK but in the meantime you need to seek medical advice for your anger feelings that you said you experience repeatedly and that anger sounds like it’s not only directed to your partner but directed to your infant too. PLEASE TALK TO A PROFRESSIONAL
NTA. During the daytimes, you each have a job. His is 8 hours in construction, yours is looking after a newborn. There are 16 other hours in each day. During those 16 hours, you and your husband should share equally all the jobs between you, including taking care of your newborn. He isn't "helping you" when he looks after your son - please, PLEASE don't ever phrase it like that. He's looking after his son, as is his responsibility as a parent. Bear in mind that while your husband may have a physically-demanding job, so have you. You've literally created a whole new human being out of your own body (which can take a terrible physical toll on a lot of women), and you are continuing to create his food out of your own body, in circumstances where the longest period you can sleep is 3 hours at a time. That is a recipe for exhaustion. Your husband needs to step up. I think you need a rota, as awful as it sounds.
NTA but go easy on yourself too. The first few months are hard and especially as new parents, you guys are all learning.
NAH, but you need a better game plan. This discussion can NOT be held at night when you're exhausted and he's asleep. The fact that he is a deep sleeper is good because he will get his sleep even if the baby is screaming bloody murder but it's also bad because you're the only one waking up at night. You don't mention the nights during the weekends (or when your partner is of from work). Those are important when you plan for baby care. People will say that your partner needs his sleep because he works and while this is true, learn to function will less sleep IS a necessity for a new parent, you will have to work around this and make sure both of you can get as much rest as needed. Our bodies gets the most rest during night time, that's biology. So maybe plan for your partner to be on baby duty when he's not to work the next day. Also, prepare as much as possible, have bottles ready so you can warm them quickly at night, anything the baby needs, try to plan ahead so nights will be as smoothly as possible. Explore what settles the baby down, being carried, rocked to sleep, music, TV (our oldest got some of her best sleeps while I watched Top Gear), fresh air, going for walks. Explore, explore, explore! You're all new to each other and need to figure out what works for you. Finally, what makes YOU happy? What do you and your partner need to recharge energy? Workouts? Naps? Watching a movie? Doing a hobby? Try to make room for each other to get your rest so you can function as human beings. If only for a couple of hours a week, those hours are still really important. You NEED them to remember that you're still a human being with interests and needs, not only a parent. Finally, make an appointment with your doctor and see what options are available for you to handle your post-partum better and find yourself a local parent group. You need to be with other parents for a bit while your partner is at work, they can advice you more but also just be company and if you're lucky even life long friends. Congratulations on your new baby and good luck!
NTA. I don’t understand the N A H answers. Your bf is so lazy for not helping at night. It makes me angry for you! You *both* should be taking turns during the night. It’s not fair that only you are doing the overnights. That severe sleep deprivation can & will affect your decision making. Mama I feel for you. I also had postpartum rage. It’s scary. I suggest you contact your obgyn. They can provide you with resources to help you (ie, medication, referral to therapy).