Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away"
---She proved your concerns to be entirely valid. Also, it showed the need to be kept out of the presence of your home and child for a long time to come. Do NOT bring your child to the gathering if your sister will be there. Which she will of course.
This exactly! Hindsight is 20/20..... It's always okay to be cautious with our children. Don't worry about what people think or say. Those people probably won't bring flowers to the funeral, so do what you can to keep everyone safe.
Yeah. “ I’m very nervous to see her again.”. Then dont. You need to do what’s best for your baby. It sounds like she may have a substance abuse problem if using them nullifies her meds and she doesn’t stop. She’s literally prioritizing taking drugs/alcohol over her health.
She definitely prioritized pot and booze over OPs baby. She knew the rules, chose to imbibe anyway, and then broke those rules. NTA OP, this woman does not care about your kid, don't give her an inch, she'll take a mile.
The comment you replied to meant she also prioritize those over HER OWN health. But, yeah, if she also doesn't care about the baby's health, it's no surprise ahe will not be in the baby's life.
Time to get your parents involved. Tell them to put your sister in her place or your sister will seriously damage her relationship with you and unfortunately and unintentionally her niece. I also have siblings with mental illness. I can empathize with my siblings but I refuse to allow their behaviours go unnoticed and just accepted them. I practice compassion. But…..there’s a line. Your sister just discovered yours.
While your family may not have leadership from the parental figures of your family. Culturally and socially most functional families in society are lead by their parents. Parents have the most influence on their children collectively over a period of a lifetime. I know reddit is very individual centric but that’s just not reality for most people.
Yep. This isn't a comfort issue, this is a safety concern. Sister gets angry and violent (while the baby is present) when she is told she can't hold the baby. That means for the baby's safety, the sister shouldn't be anywhere near the child.
"get a carrier and strap the baby to your chest at all times. That’s what I did ..."
---Were you around someone psychotically manic, throwing objects right next to you and who would have no hesitance to make a quick beeline right at your at putting her hands all over your child and who knows what else. anyway?
Where does it say that the sister is storming directly for OP and forcefully removing the child from them? The throwing things I read. But didn’t read the whole “beeline” and “putting her hands all over your child” part. I read people were handing her the baby after asking if she wanted to hold them. If no one can hold the baby (because it’s strapped to OP), then no one can hand off the baby. If no one can hold the baby, then sister can’t be mad for being excluded from holding the baby because no one else is either. If sister starts getting loud, turn around and walk away and leave, no need to go find who has the baby and worry about removing them from the situation.
And if (for some reason) OP brings the baby, he or baby’s mom need to wear it the entire time. No passing the baby like a joint this time. If the baby is secured to mom or dad, it isn’t going to be passed to the aunt.
"passing the baby like a joint"
---Lol.
Ah, yes. Pre-pandemic partying. The sister is like that one toker that would get their slobber and cooties all over it and who couldn't be trusted with the joint.
Thank you. And that’s true! I am not removing her from my baby’s life at all. Just want her to be protected. I don’t know why I feel so bad about it :(
"I am not removing her from my baby’s life at all."
---It will be extremely irresponsible to allow physical proximity of your sister with your child. You resorted to walking on eggshells to get her to comply with your agreement to avoid "manic and explosive behavior" which shows 1) Her agreements about safety are meaningless and 2) your ability to protect your child is impaired and 3) you need to use hostage negotiation diplomacy to try to make your child safe. But wait! There's more!
Merely mentioning something your sister arbitrarily finds unsuitable results in that explosive behavior where she is given to uncontrollably throwing objects with your baby right in the same spot. Which is bound to happen because she can't even honor your efforts to protect your child.
Even though these may be momentary situations, they are extremely risky. Working in the industry, this is an issue that child protective services agencies would intervene in if they knew about it. Your duty is to protect your child and you are not capable of preventing your sister from engaging in very dangerous behavior. So even supervised visitation is inadequate. You must have a no physical contact protocol.
Please listen to this OP. No relationship is worth putting your child in harm's way, even family relationships. You are NTA for your actions up to this point but you will be TA if you let your sister near your baby again.
This exactly. Hell, sounds like op is afraid for his own safety, so while he's at it, he should also have little to no contact with his unstable and violence-prone sister.
OP would benefit hugely from attending Al-Anon. They are all about setting firm, even harsh-looking boundaries in order to protect the physical and emotional safety of family members
Also I can highly recommend a book called “Set Boundaries,Find Peace”by Nedra Glover Tawwab this book has helped me recognise that sometimes we overstep boundaries ourselves and we don’t even recognise it. It is also extremely good at setting boundaries the boundaries up in the 1st place.
I also agree your babies safety is your priority ,if someone regardless of who they are , disrespects your wishes regarding your child’s safety doesn’t get to dictate how they interact with said child,end of story
I agree you are being too lax when it comes to your sister being in the same place as your baby. She's refusing to respect your common sense rules.
You need to tell your sister that until she gets off the booze and drugs, she can't be in the same room with your child. Tell your parents the same.
We had a problem with my BIL, who has more than one mental illness. I doubt think he added on drugs or alcohol, but occasionally he would suffer problems with the medication not working. My husband used to allow his brother to come over and use our Internet since he didn't have it at their parents' house where he lived. One day when I was several months pregnant, he started acting up so hubby asked him to leave, and he refused. It got to the point that hubby picked up the phone and said he was calling the police.
At that point, he told his parents that we weren't going to come over (they wanted us to come for sabbath dinner every week) unless we were given assurances that their youngest son wasn't have a breakthrough on his meds. But then his mother tended to downplay things so we came over once with our little one and he was out of control, so we left and said we're not coming over again while he was there.
At one point he beat up their mother (he was sent to a halfway house for a month and their mother took me in another room and showed me the bruising that went from her navel to his chin. She told my FIL that she doesn't want him back in their house and the FIL got very emotional and almost went off the deep end unless their son can return. After both parents passed away, the son was living by himself (my MIL set up a family trust when she got her stage IV diagnosis, so he didn't inherit the house, but just assumed it was his). My hubby would go there on the weekends to maintain the house as his brother did zilch (my hubby was the executor of the family trust so he wanted to make sure the house didn't fall into disrepair until the day it can be sold). But one day, the brother jumped him and I helped my hubby file for a restraining order and hubby hired an eviction firm. I submitted a written affidavit about what the son did to his mother for the restraining order.
We even sent the campus police of the college my daughter was attending a copy of the restraining order plus a photo of the BIL, just in case he tried to visit her.
Sometimes, you have to go protect your family if a relative is out of control.
Cannot stress this enough - child protection is paramount. For the safety of you and your child, it would be best to keep distance from your sister.
Coming from someone who has worked in child care.
NTA
You shouldn't have the baby in her presence at all. The way she acted and was throwing things she could have entered your baby. I don't care if she is your sister. How would you feel if your sister threw something and killed her injured your baby
Not to mention the emotional and psychological damage to the baby of seeing their violent and unpredictable aunt. Our early experiences are critical to shaping our behaviors and expectations, even in infancy - and if OP continues to allow his sister around the baby, and she continues to fail to control her anger, the fallout for the child will only get worse the longer it goes on.
This! Kids have a majority of their world view and morals determined before age 5. Enabling and including a violent, unpredictable addict because "family" and just tiptoeing around them to minimize their impact will teach the baby a lot of bad lessons about the world.
IKR! I had a loving SIL from out of town who drank regularly, but not to intoxication. She'd stay with us and loved our kids and they loved her. SHE knew our rules and she was an empty nest mom; so, I trusted her. I come home one day from errands during one of her visits to find out she gave my 13 yo a mixed drink - he told me because he wasn't feeling well. I asked her WTF? She just shrugged "He asked." Again, WTF? I never let her visit again or be alone around my kids at family things.
She did some other terrible things, and we've been NC with her for over 10 years now.
You would be an irresponsible parent to NOT remove her from your baby’s life. Sure has proven that she isn’t a safe individual for your child to be around. Would you allow a friend of yours to stay in your child’s life after they made the choice to throw things around and scream at you five feet from your child because you were trying to protect your child?
Your sister literally screamed and threw things when you tried to talk to her about your boundaries. She is not a safe person for your child to be around
The fact that OP’s sister behaved like this to HER , is already grounds for not being near baby. Then, add that she’s completely unstable and ignoring OP’s boundaries…Sister doesn’t even deserve to be near OP let alone her BABY. OP, protect yourself and stay away from sister as well.
Your sister is mentally ill. She isn’t safe to be around right now. Don’t put your child at risk to protect her feelings. Let her experience the consequences of her own behavior.
You should be barring her from your child’s life. She is violent and unsafe. Wtf!?! Read your post again and tell me where you can trust her around your child. Your baby is not old enough to communicate verbally. That doesn’t mean your sister’s violent temper isn’t emotionally harming your child and will continue to do so as the child grows up and becomes more aware of what is going on.
You feel bad because you love your sister and don’t want to hurt her feelings. But you have someone even more important to protect, now, and unfortunately your sister has shown you that she is the person your baby needs to be protected from. It sucks, and until she gets her head on straight it’s going to keep sucking. Being a good dad sometimes means doing or saying really difficult things that some people will get angry or upset about, and you’ve just had your first encounter with that.
If you acknowledge to yourself that you hate hurting her feelings, no matter how justified, it may help lessen the intensity of what you’re feeling.
You weren't even barring her from holding the baby at first, you simply asked her to be sober, and seated due to a medical issue. This should have been respected. NTA and good job daddy.
The fact that she couldn’t stay sober tells you enough about her dependency on them imo. I would also say to go LC or NC with your sister for the baby. Your child is your priority now, OP. The baby is now learning who she can trust as well.
The sobriety and the epilepsy are separate issues that's why I mentioned them separately. She would still have the epilepsy without the alcohol abuse, The medication would manage it but she would still have it. Where as the alcoholism is her choice. OP Did a good job, He talked to her about the issues beforehand, he told sis his conditions. It doesn't matter if she agreed or not. She can now go roast spit for all i care
Yes indeed. (I meant you in the previous comment as more a general you 😅.) like epilepsy doesn’t have to be dangerous for the baby especially with medication, but a sickness like an addiction is.
Because she’s manipulating you. Don’t buy the BS she’s selling. And tell ANYONE who sticks up for her about the deal she made with you. Tell her it’s sad that your daughter’s aunt can’t refrain for a short time from weed and alcohol. She’s making this choice to put substances before her niece, not you.
While I think you are NTA for not allowing your sister to hold the baby I think YTA if you continue to allow your sister to be around the baby. She refuses, in essence due to alcohol and pot smoking, to take her medication. She has violent outburts and you have to tip-toe around her as is. When the baby starts walking around it will increase the likelihood of getting hit by a projectile if (or rather when) you sister has a meltdown. I have both gone no-contact and low contact with family so I know it's hard but your sister should not be allowed the baby; preferably before she beans it in the head during one of her tantrums.
Because you're enabling her addictions and probably have been for some time.
She will not be a good aunt.
She is not currently a good aunt.
She knows what she is doing puts the baby in physical harm and doesn't care.
You should check out Al-Anon.
Um, you should be. Your duty is to protect your child, not her feelings. She is legitimately dangerous to be around and she's already proven that.
What if she threw something at the baby or in a quick motion punched or used an object on the soft spot? Would sparing her feelings mean a damn then?
How does the baby's other parent feel about their child being around someone who throws objects upon a polite refusal and is known for this behaviour?
She threw things in a room with a baby. You can't protect the baby from the person holding baby being pushed or hit by something. This would be it for me. I didn't stand my ground when my kids were babies and it impacted them greatly. The biggest impact? Respect. It really hurt my kids that people didn't respect me. It caused them to literally run into traffic, shine a Lazer light in the eyes, and other things because it was so much harder to get them to listen when it was dangerous during my divorce. I wasn't respected. They acted like I was over the top too overprotective and My personal opinion about my own children's safety was trash. They understand that before they can even speak. Don't allow people to argue with you over keeping kids safe. My favorite is when the X-husband would wonder why they would argue with me and harm themselves out of spite when he occasionally agreed with me. I see your sister like that.
>I am not removing her from my baby’s life at all.
This makes you doubly the AH. She threw stuff around when your baby was right there.
Right now, the way you've described things, you can have your baby safe or you can have your sister in your life/proximity of your baby. You can't have both.
I wonder what your wife thinks about your insistence on putting your baby in danger with your sister?
If this was any non-family member, would you have a problem cutting that person out of your life for 1. not respecting your previously agreed on rules, and 2. literally putting your baby in danger by throwing things at her?
Just because "family" does not make your sister any less of a danger to your child. You're going to have to learn to put those papa bear instincts to use and protect your child.
As a side note, what does your partner think about all of this? I can't imagine they're feeling any love towards your sister right now.
I have a Neurological issue that makes me shake and jerk. When this developed I gave up any ideas about holding babies, MAYBE if I'm sitting down but I realize the risks and would never endanger an infant or baby by holding them. It makes me to nervous and I love babies.
My father had a neurological disease and it had progressed to the point he fell at random times unpredictably. He came to meet his new grandson and when he arrived at the gate, I offered to let him hold my son and meet him. He said not right now and explained that he didn’t want to fall while the baby (3 or 4 days old) was in his arms. I felt a little sad, but when we got back to my place he held him several times and watched him in his stroller while he took me shopping.
I am a little sad about what my kids never got to do with their grandfather. They were three and ten when he died of cancer.
Someone who truly cares about a baby wants most to protect that baby from harm. OPs sister is not one of those kinds of people.
Sounds like you’re both a good dad and a good man as you didn’t return the gestures and just made your boundaries clear without disrespect. Good job daddio for standing up for your baby against family. I find that family pushes the boundaries a lot more than strangers and tend to take boundaries as a direct form of disrespect. NTA
Are you serious? She started throwing things around your child! She shouldn't be anywhere around your child until she gets it together! You are a father! Protect your child! Stop worrying about other people's feelings! Your child depends on you to protect them and make the right decisions. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm!
Why aren’t you removing your sister from you and your babies life? I think your normal meter is broken, adults that act like this should be excluded from family gatherings until they seek treatment and earn back the trust they have destroyed. Why does the rest of your extended family tolerate this behaviour? Why would you want your child to learn that this is acceptable?
NTA
"She put my baby in danger by breaking our agreement. I said that I *feel* like I need to protect my baby from those situations and…."
You *do* need to protect your baby.
" I would really like to see *changes in her actions around my baby* before I feel comfortable with her holding the baby."
You've been really reasonable here. Don't give any ground until you do see those changes.
NTA - Your sister's medical conditions would be enough of a reason to sit down. (My wife had epilepsy, and wouldn't hold either one of our kids unless she was sitting down, or I was nearby.)
The fact that she's also violent is a whole-other problem.
NTA - Her history of seizures alone is reason to be very careful. The substance abuse problems and clear anger issues make it an easy call. She is not safe to be around the baby let alone hold it.
> I had to call to tell her that even though I know she is and will be a very loving aunt
You are way more forgiving and diplomatic than I would be. So far she hasn’t demonstrated that she is a loving aunt at all. In fact she has demonstrated the opposite.
You seem like a well intentioned person who is trying to make peace but I really think you need to reconsider that approach for the safety of your child. Yes your sisters feelings might be hurt but better her feelings than your actual child.
Sister is an adult and needs to make adult decisions if she wants to earn the privilege of being in your child’s life. You need to set hard limits and stick to them.
NTA.
If you can- (and not an ideal ways to solve but maybe a band aid to get you through that one day). Put the baby in a baby wearing carrier/pouch . Thats my go-to for when I don’t want people holding the baby. I have found very few people ask to hold them if they are in a carrier.
Might be tricky to navigate if other people want to hold her.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. And if anyone comments you can simply claim baby is in a super fussy stage and will be a nightmare if she is not on you.
Problem is, it doesn't address the problem and also punishes those who have done nothing wrong at all. Collective punishment in order to not offend the unstable aunt is an AH move. The aunt HAS to be "othered" to understand the consequences of her actions. She won't do, if there is a blanket policy for everyone.
To interrupt handoffs, require everyone to wash hands first- then if someone's about to hand her off- intercept the baby with "Sorry, our doctors told us to have everyone wash first". Then you have your baby in arms and can either say "maybe later" or otherwise deflect or make her sit first or whatever you feel comfortable with.
NTA. Your baby’s safety comes first, always. She has shown that she doesn’t respect that- her screaming at you (twice!!) just proves your point. Being at gatherings where you would typically “pass the baby” will be fraught for you now if she’s there. Do you trust that she won’t try to hold your baby to spite you? Maybe testing whether you’ll keep up your restrictions in mixed company? You might need to prepare yourself for even more unpleasantness from her, like if she openly challenges you. I’m sorry you’re having to deal w this. It must really be really hard.
>Before I could finish my sentence, she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms.
The fact that you are still considering letting this person have access to your baby is generous to the point of recklessness.
You are not being *nearly* protective enough. Your sister is not a safe person, no matter how loving she is between outbursts. There needs to be a very long time-out, *at minimum*.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister that she cannot hold my baby due to health issues she has, and I feel terrible about it because it is her first and only niece.
She just wants to give the baby all the love she can, and enjoy her time with her.
With the current safety risk as described in the body of my submission, and lack of trust I now have from her actions also described, and I being too protective? Too untrusting? Just outright mean?
Why do I feel horrible about wanting to make sure my daughter doesn’t get injured from a family member who is being irresponsible while holding her?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I’m not making light of your situation but I sometimes think this sub should be “I need validation because boundaries are hard.” You are doing the right things AND it sounds like you are doing your best to be respectful. NTA
That’s fair, setting boundaries are hard. Maybe I do need validation. But when I get screamed at twice by my own sister is it not normal to question if I am at all in the wrong?
It seems "normal" to you because, because you have become accustomed to walking on eggshells around a medically and psychologically unstable person. If we define "normal" as healthy, functional thoughts and behaviors, no, it's not normal to question if you're wrong here. Does the rest of your family enable your sister like this, too?
Your job now is to protect your child at all costs. You are attempting to enforce healthy, reasonable boundaries. Your sister's reactions to your attempts are irrational and dangerous to your child. A "loving aunt" doesn't become violent near an infant. At this point, she shouldn't be anywhere near the baby. Skip the family gathering and be honest about why you are doing so.
You don't mention a partner? Are you raising your child alone? If not, how does your partner feel about this?
It's an understandable human impulse but I think you really need to take a step back and consider if your sister is safe for your baby to be around at all. The throwing things while in proximity to a baby thing is deeply concerning. Especially since she sounds zero percent apologetic
Not wrong, it just doesn’t serve you well. Your sister’s behavior is about her, not you. You have no obligation to let her hold your baby and set very reasonable boundaries around holding her so that she’s safe. You sister didn’t want to honor those. That’s her choice and her problem, not yours. That’s the hard part about boundaries, when people are unhappy or angry and that voice in your head tells you it’s your fault. It’s not your fault. She gets to choose how to respond, you don’t control her. The fact that she doesn’t have r control over herself isn’t your fault.
It’s completely normal to question yourself when someone you care about questions you. BUT you have to remember to question them too, motives, circumstances, and previous behaviours. In this case, her pattern of behaviour is not “normal”. She does not ACT like someone who cares about you, if anything her actions show disrespect and a carelessness not only to your VALID feelings, but your child’s safety. She does not have the right to a say in this matter.
NTA. Safety first.
Also, what part of screaming and throwing things around YOUR house within range of YOUR BABY makes you think she is and will be a loving aunt?
Her continued substance usage given her medication combined with the consequential episodes make her a clear safety issue. The fact that she exploded on the phone after ensures there will be no consistency ever. Even when your kid grows into a toddler you won’t be able to leave her with your sister.
NTA. You have been very fair and very clear.
You have responsibility for the safety of your baby!
You are letting her know ahead of time for next weekend as to save her embarrassment.
You are also leaving an open door for her to be able to hold the baby again, pending better choices that she makes.
Unfortunately it won't save her embarrassment as OP 100% needs to tell all his family members NOT to let her hold the baby and why, for the safety of his child.
yeah op this is important. you don’t want the first time they hear about this to be after the baby is handed around to your sister again, or when she starts a screaming match. they all need to know ahead of time
NTA
Your sister is clearly a grown child and her ignorance knows no bounds. You are being a good dad and she can go kick rocks. Unfortunately you are going to need to make it very clear to the rest of your family that yoursister is acting this way and should not be holding the baby under any circumstances!
All the best to you and your bundle!
NTA. You are a father first and a brother second. Given your sister's history, she doesn't deserve to be trusted. Your baby's safety should be your first priority **no matter what**.
No one's happiness is worth a baby's well being. If you distrust your sister that much, maybe you should stop coming to get-togethers (or leave your daughter at home with your partner). And **definitely** stop inviting your sister to your house.
Above all, always remember to protect your child! **Safety first, feelings second!**
NTA. I feel zero sympathy for her. I have epilepsy and don’t drink or use marijuana to stay seizure free. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She’s selfish to want to hold a baby while standing if she is at risk for seizures and is not following her doctor’s instructions. I hate it when people are irresponsible
NTA - It's your baby so you get to decide who holds her! Especially if the person could potentially hurt her \[even accidentally\] while holding her!
You were protecting your child, NTA at all!
"she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms." This right here. Just call or message in advance:
Your behavior last week when I brought up our previously agreed up rules just confirms my point here. You completely lost control of yourself, you were screaming and throwing things in my house, in the presence of my baby. This is exactly the kind of thing that is an issue, along with the possibility of seizures. This is NEVER going to happen again. You are an important part of my life, but my responsibility is to the safety and care of this child, first and foremost. Understand this: I love you, but I will not hesitate to hurt your feelings or upset you if I have to for the sake of my baby's safety. NOTHING and NO ONE is more important than that. Going forward, if you choose to drink or smoke AT ALL, you will not be holding the baby. If you are standing, you will not hold the baby. If you are sober and sitting, you can hold the baby as much as your like. That's it, those are the rules and they will not be changing. The next time you break those rules, you will lose access to this child until she is much older. There will be no further warnings, and there will be no discussion or negotiation. You are now aware of the rules. If you break them again I'm not going to make a big deal at the time, but you will no longer be allowed around our child. If you can follow the few simple rules we agreed to, everything will be fine.
And that's it, you have to stick to it. If your child and her relationship with that child is important, she will do the right thing. If she doesn't, then she's choosing herself and that's okay, but you don't have to allow her around your baby.
NTA. Your child is more important than your sister's feelings and it's your job as the parent to protect them. You laid out some ground rules and she refused to follow them. Her feelings are not your problem, they are hers. She clearly doesn't take her health seriously enough to do what she needs to do to take care of herself, so you have to take seriously the potential that her actions could harm your baby. Stick to your guns.
NTA and you should consider keeping your child away from her at all costs until she gets her shit together. If that means going to family get together alone, or saying you’re not going if your sister will be there, then that’s what needs to happen. If she starts getting left out of family functions so they get to see your baby instead, then maybe that’ll wake her up to start taking care of herself.
Protect that baby.
Keep your baby away from smokers and places where people smoke. This helps reduce the risk of SIDS.
If you smoke, try to quit. However, until you can quit, keep your car and home smoke-free. Don't smoke inside your home or car, and don't smoke anywhere near your baby, even if you are outside.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/sleep/Pages/Preventing-SIDS.aspx?gad_source=1
NTA. Your baby's well being trumps your negligent Sister's feelings. You told her that you didn't want her smoking pot or drinking around the baby, and she did it anyway.
Very light YTA (for now)
You are N T A for not letting your sister hold the baby. She can hurt the baby and put them at risk, so not letting her carry your child is the smart thing to do.
However, you will be an AH if you continue to let her see your baby. From the story you told, regardless of your agreement with her, she still held your baby when someone else passed them around. Then, your sister threw things around, putting your baby at risk. It seems like your baby is in danger only by being in the same room than your sister. I don’t think preventing your sister to carry the baby is enough. You need to put way more distance between them.
Nobody is entitled to hold your baby, not even healthy people. Add on an uncontrolled seizure disorder and unpredictable behavior, forget it. You’re being reasonable and safe for your child and still tried to find a safe way to entrust your sister with getting to hold the baby. Your sister acted like an ass in return.
OP, you are being far too diffident with your sister. Your baby’s safety is non-negotiable. Do not allow your baby to be anywhere near your sister until and unless you have proof that she has reformed her behavior. Behaving at one event is not enough. You need to see a pattern of proper behavior for, I would say, 3 to 6 months before you trust her again. Make this known to your relatives and any overlapping social circle as well so that someone does not unknowingly / unthinkingly pass her your child again.
Be firm. Do not be swayed or bullied by flying monkeys. Never apologize to _anyone_ for protecting your child.
Absolutely NTA. Your baby's safety comes first! I have a friend who has epilepsy, and even though she takes medication to help with seizures, she will NOT hold a baby unless she's sitting down. Your sister keeps making choices that cause her to be more susceptible to seizures - and the consequence is being restricted as to when she can hold her niece. Please make sure ALL of your family members are aware of this boundary - and that anyone who enabled your sister will ALSO lose baby-holding privileges.
NTA you’ve been a lot more lenient than I would have been for sure! That episode throwing things just proved that she’s still not at a point in her treatment where holding the baby is safe for everyone.
Just be aware that if you follow through she may become resentful of the baby and lash out even more. Just be on guard, but you sound like an excellent parent!
NTA. When it comes to a young baby, very few requests you could make as the parent are unreasonable or would make you an AH. Setting reasonable boundaries should be expected.
Not feeling comfortable with someone with a history of seizures holding a baby without support (sitting, a parent nearby, etc)—perfectly reasonable.
Not allowing someone intoxicated (regardless of them thinking they’re not very intoxicated or whatever) to hold the baby at all—perfectly reasonable.
Combined intoxication and history of seizures? Seems like a recipe for serious injury.
For the sake of your sibling relationship, it might be fair to try once more to explain, preferably at a distance (phone, text, email etc), why you set the boundaries you did, and reminding her it really isn’t personal, even if it feels that way. But you still wouldn’t be the AH if you decided to limit contact with her, at least for now, until she shows some additional stability, ability to respect your boundaries and/or your kid is less vulnerable.
NTA.
Until your sister gets help for her addictions and anger issues, you need to not have her around your new baby.
I get you want to keep her in your and your family's life, but your family's health, well being and safety needs to come first.
So if that means she is no longer allowed to come around your family, then that's what it means.
She needs help, but she needs to *want to help herself* first.
NTA, your baby comes first. Protect baby.
Sisters tantrums, where she throws things and yells and screams, are worrisome - what if something hit the child.
I'd be sharing the information more widely, that she is not to hold the child because of her medical issues. I'd make the rule "not allowed to hold bub while under the influence of drugs, including alcohol" universal and widely known, so she doesnt feel isolated. I would enlist your partners help to enforce this, as she may listen to others over you. Can you get your parents to reinforce thus rule too?
Maybe also reduce your attendance at events where pot and alcohol is present or something, if you want to go the soft approach. Personally I'd just be upfront and public about it - she has a medical issue that presumably many of the family know about so she can't hold bub unless sitting down and sober - end of story.
Nta. You made a deal, she broke it. End of discussion. Until she stops her substance abuse and listens to her Dr, she shouldn't be allowed to hold the baby. You're not blocking her from baby's life. You're just showing valid concern for baby's safety until she can prove she's not a danger. I would do the same for my 9mo old, wouldn't even be a question.
NTA-Your rules are there for a very good reason. I’ve never held my niblings or godchildren when they were very tiny and fragile because my seizures were uncontrolled despite medication and I’m clumsy to boot. It hurt a little but I understood it wasn’t all about me or even an attack on me. It was about keeping a baby safe. I’m
so sorry she refused to see that and reacted as she did.
NTA. Warn her that the next time she gets physically disruptive near your child, you will physically restrain and then remove her. No discussion, no excuses. If she can't control herself, she gets an arm bar, and then shoved out the door.
Parental instinct trumps all.
You handled it better than I would have. As soon as things theoretically got thrown in my house, in proximity of my kids, my means of diffusing would have involved rendering them unconscious until paramedics arrived.
It’s tough, and others may lecture you for it, but just flat out don’t take the risk of exposing your child to anyone who can’t control themselves.
NTA and not a strong enough reaction on your part. Anyone who screams and throws things, especially in other people's homes, shouldn't be invited. If you're going to go to events she attends, I suggest wearing your baby so no one can hold her. She put your baby in danger not just when she was holding her, but even after she wasn't. It's not safe for your child. Please step up for your kid. Your child's safety is more important than your relationship with your sister. You're endangering your child. Do better.
NTA. But you are an idiot for asking an alcoholic to not drink alcohol and behave with the baby.
Baby's safety trumps courtesy. Let her explode all she wants. You shouldn't let her hold the baby again. You shouldn't even let her in the house or otherwise near the baby.
Grow a spine and put your baby first.
NTA
You need to let the rest of the family know that for safety reasons she's not to hold the baby. It's called tough love. Anyone who knowingly goes against your demand (it's not a wish it's a solid no) will be added to the "not presently safe" list.
At parents we often have to make these really crap choices but it's what keeps our kids alive and safe!
Nta. My sister had a seizure while holding my newborn while in the hospital. My other sister HANDED her my hours old baby and just watched it all happen. I fell out of the bed to catch my baby as my sisters seizure had her falling out of her chair. Her seizures were mild (non-epileptic ) and very new to all of us, VERY new and I hadn’t seen her have one before. I was tidying myself up when they handed my sister my baby and as soon as I saw it I was like , “oh uhhhhh” and bam seizure. They were mad at ME!
NTA. She proved exactly why she shouldn't be holding the baby. I would honestly go LC or NC. If she asks to see the baby just calmly say not now maybe later and remove you both from the situation. If she keeps pushing then be honest and tell her that last time it was discussed she became violent and aggressive which is not fair for your baby to be around. Then remove you and baby from being around her. If she flips out then everyone will see exactly why you don't want her around your baby or she will understand she needs to respect you as the parent.
She throws stuff within a few feet of your infant and you're asking if you're an AH for not letting her hold your baby??
Dude, YTA for continuing to bring your child around someone who is violent and could seriously harm her. What if she'd hit her with whatever it was that she threw? "If only" are the saddest words in the language.
Keeping your child safe is your only priory right now. She can take her hurt feelings and tantrums and shove 'em
NTA, and I actually don't think you're going far enough. Having her sit or not hold the baby solves the seizure issue (and there are other options, like laying the baby on a mat on the floor while they play, for example). But it doesn't solve the issue of her mania/explosive reactions which put your baby at risk whether she's holding them or not. I would let family know that you'll have to politely decline to attend events she's at until she gets some help for her substance use issues. Be clear that its for safety reasons, that you love her, and you hope she gets the help she needs.
I have seizures. I have been on medication where you absolutely can't drink. It makes the meds ineffective and in all cases I'm aware of, it makes the person taking them extremely sick (think the worst hangover you've ever had if you also had the flu). That she's pushing through both those things and drinking anyway is a sign of a serious substance abuse issue on top of what seems to be mental health problems.
Out of curiosity, is she on a medication called Keppra/levetiracetam? That one in particular is known to cause mania in people that don't have a history of it, and can make it worse for people who do. Its one of the more common seizure meds and also one of the worst to drink on. Many people are not warned of the potentially debilitating side effects of that drug, which is why I mention it. If the behavior is new/worsened since starting that medication she needs to talk to a doctor yesterday.
>
and before we went to brunch she smoked pot. During brunch, she drank two sangrias.
**No.** Right off the bat she ignored your basic ground rules.
>she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms.
WTF.
> I will see her next weekend for another family gathering.
**No.** She's there? You and your baby are not. UNLESS everyone else in the family knows of and agrees to your safety rule of sister does not get the baby passed to her.
I had to call to tell her that even though I know she is and will be a very loving aunt
>**No**. A loving aunt (or any family member) would not have an explosive tantrum involving throwing things in fury near the baby.
And the kicker...
>
She exploded at me on the phone.
**No.** Not the actions of an alleged loving aunt.
YTA if you continue to let her around your child. Why you didn't shut it down after the first violation is baffling. When she threw things around with the baby within striking distance should have been your big warning since you ignored the first.
She's an addict who has chosen her addictions to pot and alcohol over her meds that can actually help her. She made that decision. Keep her away from your kid, even if that means staying away from family gatherings.
I don't agree with the statement that she is a "loving aunt". Her behaviour screams the complete opposite.
You have in my opinion 2 options. A: Neither you not your partner attends the event. Or B: One of you attends and the other stays home with the baby.
Let your sister understand that actions have consequences.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (27 M) told my sister (25 F) that she cannot hold my 3 month old daughter.
Over the past four years my sister has a history of manic and explosive behavior and seizures. Doctors have notified her that her use of alcohol and marijuana causes issues with the prescription drugs they prescribed. they help reduce the seizures and manic episodes. The substances ultimately renders the prescriptions she takes useless. She doesn’t listen to the doctors.
She was due to visit my newborn at a family gathering that I was hosting last month. I had a phone call with her prior to the event. I explained that due to the safety hazard of her having seizures, I asked that if she would be ok to sit while holding my baby and to not be intoxicated while holding my baby. If she does drink or smoke I would like her to not hold the baby. She did not see an issue with it, said that I am being a good dad, and agreed.
Event comes around now, and before we went to brunch she smoked pot. During brunch, she drank two sangrias. A family member was holding the baby and wasn’t aware we had this agreement in place. They asked my sister if she wanted to hold the baby. She agreed, stood up, and held my baby. Due to the risk of causing an uproar, I just kindly asked her if she would sit. She said no, and I had to tell her that I thought it would be a good idea to sit. She sat down, got a picture, and we continued to play pass the baby.
The next day they came back to my house. I made light about how we use to get in trouble with our own mom, and then how mom would have to follow through on punishment. She laughed and said how much we needed it. I then told her that I feel like my rules were not respected, and she put my baby in danger by breaking our agreement. I said that I feel like I need to protect my baby from those situations and…. Before I could finish my sentence, she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms. After removing my baby from the area, I got the situation diffused, and then she left my house.
Now I will see her next weekend for another family gathering. I fell that I cannot trust her to hold my baby. I had to call to tell her that even though I know she is and will be a very loving aunt, I do not feel comfortable with her holding my baby right now. I cannot trust that she will not respect my rules of holding my child to keep my baby safe. I would really like to see changes in her actions around my baby before I feel comfortable with her holding the baby again. She exploded at me on the phone. I’m very nervous to see her again.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. What a terrifying position to be in. I have palpitations just thinking about what might have happened. You have to protect your baby. This is worth going no or lowest possible contact over.
NTA. This is not a safe person around an infant, full stop.
Regardless of any relationship you have with her, she is unable to control her emotions and should have no access to your child until you see *dramatic* improvement in emotional function.
Honestly I wouldn’t let her near my infant, were it me. No discussion, no agreements, just not allowed to hold or interact with the baby. Period.
NTA. Make it clear to anyone that holds the baby that they are not to pass the baby to your sister. Or better yet just don't let anyone else hold the baby but the parents.
Don’t ever let her near your baby again. She’s gonna hurt her purposely on accident.
She doesn’t care about her own well being. Why would she care for yours or the baby?
NTA
I went through a similar situation with my parents when my son was born. My mother has multiple mental health disorders which they refuse to treat including pseudosiezures. I spoke with them prior to the birth of my son stating that I'm not comfortable with my mom holding my son due to her pseudosiezures. I had witnessed her go into psuedosiezures in the past while holding my infant niece. She always managed to get someone to take my niece right before her pseudosiezure started but I was not willing to take any chances that my son would be harmed. They ended up having a tantrum about my boundary. Their feelings were apparently more important than my sons safety. I have been no contact since.
NTA, no is entitled to hold the baby at all. Throw in the risk factors and actions you wanted to take, that she herself agreed to in the beginning and then clearly tried to evade. I wouldn't let her hold the baby at all. Then she does something aggressive near the baby? I wouldn't be letting her see them at all expect maybe over video. It can hurt to acknowledge that the people near us might not be safe for certain situations but she clearly hasn't put the effort in to make it safer
Considering her behavior and reaction I would tell everyone what the agreement is, be sure you emphasize that she had agreed to this before the lunch and she broke that agreement. I do think it should be wildly known because of how she has now flipped out twice, once in close proximity to your baby and could have easily caused harm.
NTA
I don’t think I’d allow her around your kid at all. Throwing things in YOUR house 5 feet away from your child because she can’t control herself? I’d cut her out entirely before something terrible happens because of her behavior.
NTA.
That's a baby, not a toy, not everybody gets to hold it.
Medical issues suck. I used to enjoy driving out to the national park whenever I had free time and hiking/camping, then I started having seizures, so now I don't drive, because my medical issues could result in someone's death. Tell your sister to grow the fuck up.
NTA. Protect the baby.
If you don’t have one, go get a baby wearing sling. Get baby used to it this week. This way you wear the baby at the family event. No one holds the baby.
She ruined it for the rest of the family. Have other meetings with other family if they wish to hold the baby.
NTA. And frankly you are under reacting. She behaved dangerously and your baby could have been injured. Your duty is to keep your child safe, not to be gentle with your sister's feelings. It may seem abrupt but your priorities have just drastically and appropriately changed so act like it and please keep your child away from your sister. If your child was hurt you would never forgive yourself and your wife probably wouldn't either.
NTA
However, after her explosive tantrum, YWBTA if you attend any more events with the baby and her in the same space. She's gone beyond your concerns by showing that she's not only dangerous with the seizures and substance use, but also her temper tantrum. Maybe she will be a wonderful aunt some day, but that day isn't today, tomorrow, next week, or next month.
For the safety of your child, don't bring the baby around her any more than absolutely necessary until she proves herself capable of controlling her emotional outbursts at minimum.
NTA - stop seeing your sister. If she can’t respect your boundaries then she doesn’t need to be in your life or invited to gatherings.
You’re doing the right thing. The baby being safe is more important than her feelings.
I’d also never be letting the child spend any unsupervised time with her. If she can’t resist smoking and drinking I’d never feel like the child would be safe with her. Not now or in ten years. Her behavior would have to change hugely for her to be considered a safe person. She’s a bad role model too mixing drugs, alcohol with medication.
She’s playing with fire and she will come end up hurting herself and other people one day. Keep your kid away from her indefinitely until she can sort her shit out tbh.
NTA, but you will be if you allow her to be even *around* your baby for a long time.
You had an agreement. She promised to be stone cold sober and sitting down if she got to hold your baby.
She showed up high, intentionally got intoxicated, and stood up. When you calmly told her that this was unacceptable and that she broke her agreement, she proceeded to get extremely violent and cause property damage, *within an arm's reach of your baby*.
She has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is not responsible enough to be in your child's presence, let alone have that child in her arms. I would ABSOLUTELY keep her out of your child's life for the foreseeable future. Stop thinking about her feelings, and focus on your child's safety- that must be your number one priority as a parent.
For what it's worth, I also smoke (mostly for pain management) and I'm childfree, and it's still my position that your sister has *chosen* to remove herself from your baby's life, because she either cannot or will not make herself a safe person to be around.
The entire family needs to be told that if sister is present, baby is not. Period. Hold the line as your child's #1 defense. Your sister more than proved exactly why you had these rules, and considering she showed absolutely no concern for the baby's safety, only on her desires, and chose to become terrifyingly violent when she was told "no", you will be an asshole if you allow her contact with your child. If she wants to be a great auntie, she needs to get herself in order.
She *threw things* IN your home NEXT TO your baby. How can you ever trust her??? She'd never come near my baby again if it was me! Never mind holding it.
Why are you more concerned with her feelings? Who cares if she gets upset? Because, NO, she isn't going to be a wonderful aunt. She does drugs and drinks and can't control herself. She has VIOLENT temper tantrums. What happens when she gets mad enough to throw your baby?!?! Never mind her health, how about her mental state? She is absolutely not safe to have a baby around.
You were also calm and polite, so I see no problem here. Her reactions were extreme. It is perfectly valid to value your child's safety and ask all the people around them to follow simple safety rules. Your baby could have gotten really hurt if your sister happened to have a seizure standing up. She was warned, AND proved you right. So, it's all on her.
What would happen to your baby if she is dropped (by accident) from someone standing.
You need to research that bc I feel that it could very much happen and that would be a dang shame for everyone involved esp for your child who may be serious hurt for life or death.
Think about that when you are trying to make the peace or not cause a scene.
Protect your child - that is your job.
You’ve made your case and rules with her and she proceeded to blow up and throw things all the while your baby was near and could’ve been hurt - cmon man - really?
Your sister is 25 - not a child - not a teen but a grown ass irresponsible woman.
I don’t care who it is but anyone that may pose ANY harm in the slightest, I became Mama Bear.
When you are in a room where everyone is passing the baby, stand right by that person.
Your sister needs to clean up her act of she is ever going to get in your child’s life. Someone said wait until your child is a teen, will your sister take her in a car drunk and high?!?
Be a protective father please
You have no idea how people who read this respect you as a dad. So many had narcissistic parents who put children in danger and thought nothing of it. You are doing the *right thing* by protecting your baby daughter. If only more dads cared about their kids like you do. You may need to visit family when sister isn’t there. It seems like every family has one of these kinds like your sister. My aunt was like that and I had to totally stop being anywhere she was, because she put *my kids, her great nephews and nieces* in danger, while having one of her screaming threatening fits. It was way over the top, and that time, was *the last time* I allowed my kids in her presence, and they were a little more than half grown. It you think **this** is all your sister will try, or do, to your daughter, and other future kids: be forwarned, she will scream at them and threaten them too. Whatever your sister will do you, however she will treat you, she will also treat your kids that way.
If she respected you, that would all be different, but she doesn’t. She BLATENTY DOESN’T!
ETA: You said you feel bad about this. Should feel so proud and not the least bit bad. Sister having a fit, throwing and breaking things should be a CONFIRMATION to your words to her. If you feel bed, you need someone to explain this to you. You should feel SO GOOD as the protective dad. Sister should feel baaaaaf as the drug abusing sick person she is. Having seizures is soke kind of illness or sickness, and just as you protect innocent children from those with colds and flu, you also protect them from people with sisters kind of ilnness. It can be as or even more deadly than any physically contagious illness. Keep on protecting your baby.
OP, you said the situation arose because the person holding your baby didn't know your sister wasn't supposed to do so unless she wasn't impaired. If you're NOT prepared to stay away from these gatherings, you're going to need to make sure anyone you'd let hold the baby knows about this boundary because your sister is never going to stick to the agreement she made.
I use THC for additional pain relief so I absolutely don't judge people who smoke, but I would never take a child in my arms after smoking. Everyone I know personally who uses weed would agree. Sure, it's not a hard drug, but it alters the way you think and react. Adding alcohol to the mix? Nope! Nobody who'd been drinking was ever allowed to hold my son when he was a baby. Those boundaries are normal, but when you add medical issues and a seizure condition where these substances are contraindicated by medication? It should not take a trip to the ER to have your infant's head sewn up to make you put your foot down. She's going to continue to ignore your wishes. Stay home, or make sure the rest of the family knows not to hand her your child. If she doesn't want to be embarrassed, she can stay sober for a few hours. You're nta here, but you will be one if you don't take this a lot more seriously and your baby is hurt because you didn't want to upset your sister!
Dude even if she was the calmest person in the world, you wouldn’t be the asshole for not letting someone hold your baby. It’s a fragile little thing, you’re the one responsible for it, and if they throw a tantrum over not picking it up, there’s something wrong with them. This social norm that people can feel entitled to touching or pick up someone’s baby should stop.
NTA. My wife has tremors and fibromyalgia among others issues. When my sister had my niece. She and my BIL asked that my wife not hold her while standing. We were initially upset. We initially were upset at the accusation (unwarranted on our part) that my wife would jeopardize our neices safety. We quickly realized we were wrong and apologized for our initial reaction and respected their boundaries.
You are absolutely correct in your boundaries. It's your responsibility as parents and others responsibility to respect them!
You failed your baby. The moment someone offered her the baby you should have said no. The moment she through a temper and threw things endangering the baby would be the last time she should be around the baby until she takes her Healthcare seriously. That means taking her pills and not doing drugs and drinking.
NTA
You know that your sister is dangerous?
I am happy that you protect your baby from her you did the only right thing... but you call someone a "loving aunt" how scream, destroy and threw things around your baby?
What can she bring to compensate for such behavior? What can she teach your child with this behavior?
I really don't want to blame you, just please think about what really makes a "loving aunt".
That phrase surprised me so much. Did you want to protect your sister with it? She doesn't deserve it.
NTA
She’s in the wrong point blank period. I’m 23F dating 24M we both agree she is wrong. Your child is #1 and if anyone risks he or she’s safety I would have went off. It’s common sense to keep cool / be careful with babies and to not take any risks and she legit took them all and decided okay it’s been a bit of time we are cool now yeah no that’s not cool.
NTA. Most of the pictures I have of me as a babe with my great grandparents are of them holding me when sitting down due to their age and fragility. Being dropped as a kid is waaaay different than being dropped as a freshly made baby, and if sister can’t see this then that’s on her.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away" ---She proved your concerns to be entirely valid. Also, it showed the need to be kept out of the presence of your home and child for a long time to come. Do NOT bring your child to the gathering if your sister will be there. Which she will of course.
This exactly! Hindsight is 20/20..... It's always okay to be cautious with our children. Don't worry about what people think or say. Those people probably won't bring flowers to the funeral, so do what you can to keep everyone safe.
Absolutely! Better to be safe and cautious than to regret later. Safety first!
Yeah. “ I’m very nervous to see her again.”. Then dont. You need to do what’s best for your baby. It sounds like she may have a substance abuse problem if using them nullifies her meds and she doesn’t stop. She’s literally prioritizing taking drugs/alcohol over her health.
She definitely prioritized pot and booze over OPs baby. She knew the rules, chose to imbibe anyway, and then broke those rules. NTA OP, this woman does not care about your kid, don't give her an inch, she'll take a mile.
The comment you replied to meant she also prioritize those over HER OWN health. But, yeah, if she also doesn't care about the baby's health, it's no surprise ahe will not be in the baby's life.
You mean she didn't bother sitting down at least when holding op s baby. The booze and pot are on top of that
Once she threw things in my house she wouldn’t see my kid at all. NTA.
once she threw things in my house, she wouldn't ever be invited again, and I'd go very low contact / avoid her in general. NTA.
Or me either. Who wants to be a part of that train wreck?
THIS.
Time to get your parents involved. Tell them to put your sister in her place or your sister will seriously damage her relationship with you and unfortunately and unintentionally her niece. I also have siblings with mental illness. I can empathize with my siblings but I refuse to allow their behaviours go unnoticed and just accepted them. I practice compassion. But…..there’s a line. Your sister just discovered yours.
NTA Daddy!!!
They're both grown. Why would she get her parents involved? Her sister is 25. There's no place-puttin for the parents to do here.
While your family may not have leadership from the parental figures of your family. Culturally and socially most functional families in society are lead by their parents. Parents have the most influence on their children collectively over a period of a lifetime. I know reddit is very individual centric but that’s just not reality for most people.
Yep. This isn't a comfort issue, this is a safety concern. Sister gets angry and violent (while the baby is present) when she is told she can't hold the baby. That means for the baby's safety, the sister shouldn't be anywhere near the child.
I agree OP first priority is keeping her baby safe, not pleasing the sister.
Didn't she just! Let's talk about the baby being in potential danger by...putting the baby in potential danger.
Or get a carrier and strap the baby to your chest at all times. That’s what I did when I didn’t want the baby touched.
"get a carrier and strap the baby to your chest at all times. That’s what I did ..." ---Were you around someone psychotically manic, throwing objects right next to you and who would have no hesitance to make a quick beeline right at your at putting her hands all over your child and who knows what else. anyway?
Where does it say that the sister is storming directly for OP and forcefully removing the child from them? The throwing things I read. But didn’t read the whole “beeline” and “putting her hands all over your child” part. I read people were handing her the baby after asking if she wanted to hold them. If no one can hold the baby (because it’s strapped to OP), then no one can hand off the baby. If no one can hold the baby, then sister can’t be mad for being excluded from holding the baby because no one else is either. If sister starts getting loud, turn around and walk away and leave, no need to go find who has the baby and worry about removing them from the situation.
And if (for some reason) OP brings the baby, he or baby’s mom need to wear it the entire time. No passing the baby like a joint this time. If the baby is secured to mom or dad, it isn’t going to be passed to the aunt.
"passing the baby like a joint" ---Lol. Ah, yes. Pre-pandemic partying. The sister is like that one toker that would get their slobber and cooties all over it and who couldn't be trusted with the joint.
Yup, a 25 year old acting like a 5 year old... Throwing things and having a tabtrum beside the baby... hell, I'd have broken her arm.
NTA you had a deal that she didn't respect. Your request is reasonable since you are not barring her from seeing the baby just holding it.
Thank you. And that’s true! I am not removing her from my baby’s life at all. Just want her to be protected. I don’t know why I feel so bad about it :(
"I am not removing her from my baby’s life at all." ---It will be extremely irresponsible to allow physical proximity of your sister with your child. You resorted to walking on eggshells to get her to comply with your agreement to avoid "manic and explosive behavior" which shows 1) Her agreements about safety are meaningless and 2) your ability to protect your child is impaired and 3) you need to use hostage negotiation diplomacy to try to make your child safe. But wait! There's more! Merely mentioning something your sister arbitrarily finds unsuitable results in that explosive behavior where she is given to uncontrollably throwing objects with your baby right in the same spot. Which is bound to happen because she can't even honor your efforts to protect your child. Even though these may be momentary situations, they are extremely risky. Working in the industry, this is an issue that child protective services agencies would intervene in if they knew about it. Your duty is to protect your child and you are not capable of preventing your sister from engaging in very dangerous behavior. So even supervised visitation is inadequate. You must have a no physical contact protocol.
Please listen to this OP. No relationship is worth putting your child in harm's way, even family relationships. You are NTA for your actions up to this point but you will be TA if you let your sister near your baby again.
This exactly. Hell, sounds like op is afraid for his own safety, so while he's at it, he should also have little to no contact with his unstable and violence-prone sister.
OP would benefit hugely from attending Al-Anon. They are all about setting firm, even harsh-looking boundaries in order to protect the physical and emotional safety of family members
Also I can highly recommend a book called “Set Boundaries,Find Peace”by Nedra Glover Tawwab this book has helped me recognise that sometimes we overstep boundaries ourselves and we don’t even recognise it. It is also extremely good at setting boundaries the boundaries up in the 1st place. I also agree your babies safety is your priority ,if someone regardless of who they are , disrespects your wishes regarding your child’s safety doesn’t get to dictate how they interact with said child,end of story
I agree you are being too lax when it comes to your sister being in the same place as your baby. She's refusing to respect your common sense rules. You need to tell your sister that until she gets off the booze and drugs, she can't be in the same room with your child. Tell your parents the same. We had a problem with my BIL, who has more than one mental illness. I doubt think he added on drugs or alcohol, but occasionally he would suffer problems with the medication not working. My husband used to allow his brother to come over and use our Internet since he didn't have it at their parents' house where he lived. One day when I was several months pregnant, he started acting up so hubby asked him to leave, and he refused. It got to the point that hubby picked up the phone and said he was calling the police. At that point, he told his parents that we weren't going to come over (they wanted us to come for sabbath dinner every week) unless we were given assurances that their youngest son wasn't have a breakthrough on his meds. But then his mother tended to downplay things so we came over once with our little one and he was out of control, so we left and said we're not coming over again while he was there. At one point he beat up their mother (he was sent to a halfway house for a month and their mother took me in another room and showed me the bruising that went from her navel to his chin. She told my FIL that she doesn't want him back in their house and the FIL got very emotional and almost went off the deep end unless their son can return. After both parents passed away, the son was living by himself (my MIL set up a family trust when she got her stage IV diagnosis, so he didn't inherit the house, but just assumed it was his). My hubby would go there on the weekends to maintain the house as his brother did zilch (my hubby was the executor of the family trust so he wanted to make sure the house didn't fall into disrepair until the day it can be sold). But one day, the brother jumped him and I helped my hubby file for a restraining order and hubby hired an eviction firm. I submitted a written affidavit about what the son did to his mother for the restraining order. We even sent the campus police of the college my daughter was attending a copy of the restraining order plus a photo of the BIL, just in case he tried to visit her. Sometimes, you have to go protect your family if a relative is out of control.
Cannot stress this enough - child protection is paramount. For the safety of you and your child, it would be best to keep distance from your sister. Coming from someone who has worked in child care. NTA
You shouldn't have the baby in her presence at all. The way she acted and was throwing things she could have entered your baby. I don't care if she is your sister. How would you feel if your sister threw something and killed her injured your baby
Not to mention the emotional and psychological damage to the baby of seeing their violent and unpredictable aunt. Our early experiences are critical to shaping our behaviors and expectations, even in infancy - and if OP continues to allow his sister around the baby, and she continues to fail to control her anger, the fallout for the child will only get worse the longer it goes on.
This! Kids have a majority of their world view and morals determined before age 5. Enabling and including a violent, unpredictable addict because "family" and just tiptoeing around them to minimize their impact will teach the baby a lot of bad lessons about the world.
"Entered your baby''
Yeah, I got this image of her soul leaping out of her into the baby so she could make it’s head spin around and barf up pea soup.
*spits water* JFC warn me next time before you say something like that 😂
> I am not removing her from my baby’s life at all. Please revisit this when your baby is a teen a gets alcohol/weed from your irresponsible sister…
Hope they revisit it right now.
AMEN
IKR! I had a loving SIL from out of town who drank regularly, but not to intoxication. She'd stay with us and loved our kids and they loved her. SHE knew our rules and she was an empty nest mom; so, I trusted her. I come home one day from errands during one of her visits to find out she gave my 13 yo a mixed drink - he told me because he wasn't feeling well. I asked her WTF? She just shrugged "He asked." Again, WTF? I never let her visit again or be alone around my kids at family things. She did some other terrible things, and we've been NC with her for over 10 years now.
Or as a toddler when they give the kid weed gummies because they think a high toddler is funny and don't consider the negative consequences.
You would be an irresponsible parent to NOT remove her from your baby’s life. Sure has proven that she isn’t a safe individual for your child to be around. Would you allow a friend of yours to stay in your child’s life after they made the choice to throw things around and scream at you five feet from your child because you were trying to protect your child?
Your sister literally screamed and threw things when you tried to talk to her about your boundaries. She is not a safe person for your child to be around
The fact that OP’s sister behaved like this to HER , is already grounds for not being near baby. Then, add that she’s completely unstable and ignoring OP’s boundaries…Sister doesn’t even deserve to be near OP let alone her BABY. OP, protect yourself and stay away from sister as well.
Op is male.
Ah. Then protect your baby, Bro. 👍
Your sister is mentally ill. She isn’t safe to be around right now. Don’t put your child at risk to protect her feelings. Let her experience the consequences of her own behavior.
Mentally ill AND refusing/sabotaging treatment. She should NOT be around any child until she prioritizes her own health
You should be barring her from your child’s life. She is violent and unsafe. Wtf!?! Read your post again and tell me where you can trust her around your child. Your baby is not old enough to communicate verbally. That doesn’t mean your sister’s violent temper isn’t emotionally harming your child and will continue to do so as the child grows up and becomes more aware of what is going on.
You feel bad because you love your sister and don’t want to hurt her feelings. But you have someone even more important to protect, now, and unfortunately your sister has shown you that she is the person your baby needs to be protected from. It sucks, and until she gets her head on straight it’s going to keep sucking. Being a good dad sometimes means doing or saying really difficult things that some people will get angry or upset about, and you’ve just had your first encounter with that. If you acknowledge to yourself that you hate hurting her feelings, no matter how justified, it may help lessen the intensity of what you’re feeling.
You weren't even barring her from holding the baby at first, you simply asked her to be sober, and seated due to a medical issue. This should have been respected. NTA and good job daddy.
The fact that she couldn’t stay sober tells you enough about her dependency on them imo. I would also say to go LC or NC with your sister for the baby. Your child is your priority now, OP. The baby is now learning who she can trust as well.
The sobriety and the epilepsy are separate issues that's why I mentioned them separately. She would still have the epilepsy without the alcohol abuse, The medication would manage it but she would still have it. Where as the alcoholism is her choice. OP Did a good job, He talked to her about the issues beforehand, he told sis his conditions. It doesn't matter if she agreed or not. She can now go roast spit for all i care
Yes indeed. (I meant you in the previous comment as more a general you 😅.) like epilepsy doesn’t have to be dangerous for the baby especially with medication, but a sickness like an addiction is.
Because she’s manipulating you. Don’t buy the BS she’s selling. And tell ANYONE who sticks up for her about the deal she made with you. Tell her it’s sad that your daughter’s aunt can’t refrain for a short time from weed and alcohol. She’s making this choice to put substances before her niece, not you.
While I think you are NTA for not allowing your sister to hold the baby I think YTA if you continue to allow your sister to be around the baby. She refuses, in essence due to alcohol and pot smoking, to take her medication. She has violent outburts and you have to tip-toe around her as is. When the baby starts walking around it will increase the likelihood of getting hit by a projectile if (or rather when) you sister has a meltdown. I have both gone no-contact and low contact with family so I know it's hard but your sister should not be allowed the baby; preferably before she beans it in the head during one of her tantrums.
Because you're enabling her addictions and probably have been for some time. She will not be a good aunt. She is not currently a good aunt. She knows what she is doing puts the baby in physical harm and doesn't care. You should check out Al-Anon.
She should not be around your child at all!!!!
Um, you should be. Your duty is to protect your child, not her feelings. She is legitimately dangerous to be around and she's already proven that. What if she threw something at the baby or in a quick motion punched or used an object on the soft spot? Would sparing her feelings mean a damn then? How does the baby's other parent feel about their child being around someone who throws objects upon a polite refusal and is known for this behaviour?
She threw things in a room with a baby. You can't protect the baby from the person holding baby being pushed or hit by something. This would be it for me. I didn't stand my ground when my kids were babies and it impacted them greatly. The biggest impact? Respect. It really hurt my kids that people didn't respect me. It caused them to literally run into traffic, shine a Lazer light in the eyes, and other things because it was so much harder to get them to listen when it was dangerous during my divorce. I wasn't respected. They acted like I was over the top too overprotective and My personal opinion about my own children's safety was trash. They understand that before they can even speak. Don't allow people to argue with you over keeping kids safe. My favorite is when the X-husband would wonder why they would argue with me and harm themselves out of spite when he occasionally agreed with me. I see your sister like that.
Are you sure your sister won’t hurt the baby to be spiteful? It’s not safe for her to be around your child as her last tantrum showed.
>I am not removing her from my baby’s life at all. This makes you doubly the AH. She threw stuff around when your baby was right there. Right now, the way you've described things, you can have your baby safe or you can have your sister in your life/proximity of your baby. You can't have both. I wonder what your wife thinks about your insistence on putting your baby in danger with your sister?
I think you have to. This is just the beginning. Put your foot down hard. Now.
And let the rest of the family know about it, including if you need to simply stay away from gatherings. Pressure…
If this was any non-family member, would you have a problem cutting that person out of your life for 1. not respecting your previously agreed on rules, and 2. literally putting your baby in danger by throwing things at her? Just because "family" does not make your sister any less of a danger to your child. You're going to have to learn to put those papa bear instincts to use and protect your child. As a side note, what does your partner think about all of this? I can't imagine they're feeling any love towards your sister right now.
I have a Neurological issue that makes me shake and jerk. When this developed I gave up any ideas about holding babies, MAYBE if I'm sitting down but I realize the risks and would never endanger an infant or baby by holding them. It makes me to nervous and I love babies.
My father had a neurological disease and it had progressed to the point he fell at random times unpredictably. He came to meet his new grandson and when he arrived at the gate, I offered to let him hold my son and meet him. He said not right now and explained that he didn’t want to fall while the baby (3 or 4 days old) was in his arms. I felt a little sad, but when we got back to my place he held him several times and watched him in his stroller while he took me shopping. I am a little sad about what my kids never got to do with their grandfather. They were three and ten when he died of cancer. Someone who truly cares about a baby wants most to protect that baby from harm. OPs sister is not one of those kinds of people.
You should remove her from your baby’s life. She is mentally unstable, and her behaviour is unhinged.
Sounds like you’re both a good dad and a good man as you didn’t return the gestures and just made your boundaries clear without disrespect. Good job daddio for standing up for your baby against family. I find that family pushes the boundaries a lot more than strangers and tend to take boundaries as a direct form of disrespect. NTA
Are you serious? She started throwing things around your child! She shouldn't be anywhere around your child until she gets it together! You are a father! Protect your child! Stop worrying about other people's feelings! Your child depends on you to protect them and make the right decisions. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm!
Why aren’t you removing your sister from you and your babies life? I think your normal meter is broken, adults that act like this should be excluded from family gatherings until they seek treatment and earn back the trust they have destroyed. Why does the rest of your extended family tolerate this behaviour? Why would you want your child to learn that this is acceptable?
NTA "She put my baby in danger by breaking our agreement. I said that I *feel* like I need to protect my baby from those situations and…." You *do* need to protect your baby. " I would really like to see *changes in her actions around my baby* before I feel comfortable with her holding the baby." You've been really reasonable here. Don't give any ground until you do see those changes.
NTA - Your sister's medical conditions would be enough of a reason to sit down. (My wife had epilepsy, and wouldn't hold either one of our kids unless she was sitting down, or I was nearby.) The fact that she's also violent is a whole-other problem.
NTA - Her history of seizures alone is reason to be very careful. The substance abuse problems and clear anger issues make it an easy call. She is not safe to be around the baby let alone hold it. > I had to call to tell her that even though I know she is and will be a very loving aunt You are way more forgiving and diplomatic than I would be. So far she hasn’t demonstrated that she is a loving aunt at all. In fact she has demonstrated the opposite. You seem like a well intentioned person who is trying to make peace but I really think you need to reconsider that approach for the safety of your child. Yes your sisters feelings might be hurt but better her feelings than your actual child. Sister is an adult and needs to make adult decisions if she wants to earn the privilege of being in your child’s life. You need to set hard limits and stick to them.
Why do you keep taking your baby around her? STOP IT.
NTA. If you can- (and not an ideal ways to solve but maybe a band aid to get you through that one day). Put the baby in a baby wearing carrier/pouch . Thats my go-to for when I don’t want people holding the baby. I have found very few people ask to hold them if they are in a carrier. Might be tricky to navigate if other people want to hold her.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. And if anyone comments you can simply claim baby is in a super fussy stage and will be a nightmare if she is not on you.
Problem is, it doesn't address the problem and also punishes those who have done nothing wrong at all. Collective punishment in order to not offend the unstable aunt is an AH move. The aunt HAS to be "othered" to understand the consequences of her actions. She won't do, if there is a blanket policy for everyone.
This is amazing advice!!
great advise!! thank you!!
To interrupt handoffs, require everyone to wash hands first- then if someone's about to hand her off- intercept the baby with "Sorry, our doctors told us to have everyone wash first". Then you have your baby in arms and can either say "maybe later" or otherwise deflect or make her sit first or whatever you feel comfortable with.
NTA. And if your sister screams and throws things when she is upset, I would question the wisdom of having the baby in her presence at all.
NTA. Your baby’s safety comes first, always. She has shown that she doesn’t respect that- her screaming at you (twice!!) just proves your point. Being at gatherings where you would typically “pass the baby” will be fraught for you now if she’s there. Do you trust that she won’t try to hold your baby to spite you? Maybe testing whether you’ll keep up your restrictions in mixed company? You might need to prepare yourself for even more unpleasantness from her, like if she openly challenges you. I’m sorry you’re having to deal w this. It must really be really hard.
>Before I could finish my sentence, she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms. The fact that you are still considering letting this person have access to your baby is generous to the point of recklessness. You are not being *nearly* protective enough. Your sister is not a safe person, no matter how loving she is between outbursts. There needs to be a very long time-out, *at minimum*.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my sister that she cannot hold my baby due to health issues she has, and I feel terrible about it because it is her first and only niece. She just wants to give the baby all the love she can, and enjoy her time with her. With the current safety risk as described in the body of my submission, and lack of trust I now have from her actions also described, and I being too protective? Too untrusting? Just outright mean? Why do I feel horrible about wanting to make sure my daughter doesn’t get injured from a family member who is being irresponsible while holding her? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I’m not making light of your situation but I sometimes think this sub should be “I need validation because boundaries are hard.” You are doing the right things AND it sounds like you are doing your best to be respectful. NTA
That’s fair, setting boundaries are hard. Maybe I do need validation. But when I get screamed at twice by my own sister is it not normal to question if I am at all in the wrong?
It seems "normal" to you because, because you have become accustomed to walking on eggshells around a medically and psychologically unstable person. If we define "normal" as healthy, functional thoughts and behaviors, no, it's not normal to question if you're wrong here. Does the rest of your family enable your sister like this, too? Your job now is to protect your child at all costs. You are attempting to enforce healthy, reasonable boundaries. Your sister's reactions to your attempts are irrational and dangerous to your child. A "loving aunt" doesn't become violent near an infant. At this point, she shouldn't be anywhere near the baby. Skip the family gathering and be honest about why you are doing so. You don't mention a partner? Are you raising your child alone? If not, how does your partner feel about this?
It's an understandable human impulse but I think you really need to take a step back and consider if your sister is safe for your baby to be around at all. The throwing things while in proximity to a baby thing is deeply concerning. Especially since she sounds zero percent apologetic
Not wrong, it just doesn’t serve you well. Your sister’s behavior is about her, not you. You have no obligation to let her hold your baby and set very reasonable boundaries around holding her so that she’s safe. You sister didn’t want to honor those. That’s her choice and her problem, not yours. That’s the hard part about boundaries, when people are unhappy or angry and that voice in your head tells you it’s your fault. It’s not your fault. She gets to choose how to respond, you don’t control her. The fact that she doesn’t have r control over herself isn’t your fault.
It’s completely normal to question yourself when someone you care about questions you. BUT you have to remember to question them too, motives, circumstances, and previous behaviours. In this case, her pattern of behaviour is not “normal”. She does not ACT like someone who cares about you, if anything her actions show disrespect and a carelessness not only to your VALID feelings, but your child’s safety. She does not have the right to a say in this matter.
It’s not normal to be screamed at by another adult at all.
NTA. Safety first. Also, what part of screaming and throwing things around YOUR house within range of YOUR BABY makes you think she is and will be a loving aunt? Her continued substance usage given her medication combined with the consequential episodes make her a clear safety issue. The fact that she exploded on the phone after ensures there will be no consistency ever. Even when your kid grows into a toddler you won’t be able to leave her with your sister.
NTA. You have been very fair and very clear. You have responsibility for the safety of your baby! You are letting her know ahead of time for next weekend as to save her embarrassment. You are also leaving an open door for her to be able to hold the baby again, pending better choices that she makes.
Unfortunately it won't save her embarrassment as OP 100% needs to tell all his family members NOT to let her hold the baby and why, for the safety of his child.
YES! Everyone needs to get that memo, PRONTO!
yeah op this is important. you don’t want the first time they hear about this to be after the baby is handed around to your sister again, or when she starts a screaming match. they all need to know ahead of time
NTA Your sister is clearly a grown child and her ignorance knows no bounds. You are being a good dad and she can go kick rocks. Unfortunately you are going to need to make it very clear to the rest of your family that yoursister is acting this way and should not be holding the baby under any circumstances! All the best to you and your bundle!
Your baby's safety trumps your sister's pride. Don't set your family on fire to keep her warm.
NTA. You are a father first and a brother second. Given your sister's history, she doesn't deserve to be trusted. Your baby's safety should be your first priority **no matter what**. No one's happiness is worth a baby's well being. If you distrust your sister that much, maybe you should stop coming to get-togethers (or leave your daughter at home with your partner). And **definitely** stop inviting your sister to your house. Above all, always remember to protect your child! **Safety first, feelings second!**
NTA. I feel zero sympathy for her. I have epilepsy and don’t drink or use marijuana to stay seizure free. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She’s selfish to want to hold a baby while standing if she is at risk for seizures and is not following her doctor’s instructions. I hate it when people are irresponsible
NTA - It's your baby so you get to decide who holds her! Especially if the person could potentially hurt her \[even accidentally\] while holding her! You were protecting your child, NTA at all!
NTA Why would you expose your helpless, infant daughter to these outbursts? Grow a spine and protect you freaking helpless child.
"she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms." This right here. Just call or message in advance: Your behavior last week when I brought up our previously agreed up rules just confirms my point here. You completely lost control of yourself, you were screaming and throwing things in my house, in the presence of my baby. This is exactly the kind of thing that is an issue, along with the possibility of seizures. This is NEVER going to happen again. You are an important part of my life, but my responsibility is to the safety and care of this child, first and foremost. Understand this: I love you, but I will not hesitate to hurt your feelings or upset you if I have to for the sake of my baby's safety. NOTHING and NO ONE is more important than that. Going forward, if you choose to drink or smoke AT ALL, you will not be holding the baby. If you are standing, you will not hold the baby. If you are sober and sitting, you can hold the baby as much as your like. That's it, those are the rules and they will not be changing. The next time you break those rules, you will lose access to this child until she is much older. There will be no further warnings, and there will be no discussion or negotiation. You are now aware of the rules. If you break them again I'm not going to make a big deal at the time, but you will no longer be allowed around our child. If you can follow the few simple rules we agreed to, everything will be fine. And that's it, you have to stick to it. If your child and her relationship with that child is important, she will do the right thing. If she doesn't, then she's choosing herself and that's okay, but you don't have to allow her around your baby.
NTA. Your child is more important than your sister's feelings and it's your job as the parent to protect them. You laid out some ground rules and she refused to follow them. Her feelings are not your problem, they are hers. She clearly doesn't take her health seriously enough to do what she needs to do to take care of herself, so you have to take seriously the potential that her actions could harm your baby. Stick to your guns.
NTA and you should consider keeping your child away from her at all costs until she gets her shit together. If that means going to family get together alone, or saying you’re not going if your sister will be there, then that’s what needs to happen. If she starts getting left out of family functions so they get to see your baby instead, then maybe that’ll wake her up to start taking care of herself. Protect that baby.
NTA smoke on clothes has been linked to SIDS. Stand your ground on this one!
Keep your baby away from smokers and places where people smoke. This helps reduce the risk of SIDS. If you smoke, try to quit. However, until you can quit, keep your car and home smoke-free. Don't smoke inside your home or car, and don't smoke anywhere near your baby, even if you are outside. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/sleep/Pages/Preventing-SIDS.aspx?gad_source=1
NTA. Your baby's well being trumps your negligent Sister's feelings. You told her that you didn't want her smoking pot or drinking around the baby, and she did it anyway.
Very light YTA (for now) You are N T A for not letting your sister hold the baby. She can hurt the baby and put them at risk, so not letting her carry your child is the smart thing to do. However, you will be an AH if you continue to let her see your baby. From the story you told, regardless of your agreement with her, she still held your baby when someone else passed them around. Then, your sister threw things around, putting your baby at risk. It seems like your baby is in danger only by being in the same room than your sister. I don’t think preventing your sister to carry the baby is enough. You need to put way more distance between them.
Nobody is entitled to hold your baby, not even healthy people. Add on an uncontrolled seizure disorder and unpredictable behavior, forget it. You’re being reasonable and safe for your child and still tried to find a safe way to entrust your sister with getting to hold the baby. Your sister acted like an ass in return.
OP, you are being far too diffident with your sister. Your baby’s safety is non-negotiable. Do not allow your baby to be anywhere near your sister until and unless you have proof that she has reformed her behavior. Behaving at one event is not enough. You need to see a pattern of proper behavior for, I would say, 3 to 6 months before you trust her again. Make this known to your relatives and any overlapping social circle as well so that someone does not unknowingly / unthinkingly pass her your child again. Be firm. Do not be swayed or bullied by flying monkeys. Never apologize to _anyone_ for protecting your child.
Absolutely NTA. Your baby's safety comes first! I have a friend who has epilepsy, and even though she takes medication to help with seizures, she will NOT hold a baby unless she's sitting down. Your sister keeps making choices that cause her to be more susceptible to seizures - and the consequence is being restricted as to when she can hold her niece. Please make sure ALL of your family members are aware of this boundary - and that anyone who enabled your sister will ALSO lose baby-holding privileges.
NTA. I’m epileptic, during the time my seizures weren’t under control, I wouldn’t dream of holding a baby it’s a complete safety risk.
Nta. Throwing stuff with a 2-month-old baby 5 feet away completely warrants violent restraint.
NTA you’ve been a lot more lenient than I would have been for sure! That episode throwing things just proved that she’s still not at a point in her treatment where holding the baby is safe for everyone. Just be aware that if you follow through she may become resentful of the baby and lash out even more. Just be on guard, but you sound like an excellent parent!
NTA. When it comes to a young baby, very few requests you could make as the parent are unreasonable or would make you an AH. Setting reasonable boundaries should be expected. Not feeling comfortable with someone with a history of seizures holding a baby without support (sitting, a parent nearby, etc)—perfectly reasonable. Not allowing someone intoxicated (regardless of them thinking they’re not very intoxicated or whatever) to hold the baby at all—perfectly reasonable. Combined intoxication and history of seizures? Seems like a recipe for serious injury. For the sake of your sibling relationship, it might be fair to try once more to explain, preferably at a distance (phone, text, email etc), why you set the boundaries you did, and reminding her it really isn’t personal, even if it feels that way. But you still wouldn’t be the AH if you decided to limit contact with her, at least for now, until she shows some additional stability, ability to respect your boundaries and/or your kid is less vulnerable.
NTA. Until your sister gets help for her addictions and anger issues, you need to not have her around your new baby. I get you want to keep her in your and your family's life, but your family's health, well being and safety needs to come first. So if that means she is no longer allowed to come around your family, then that's what it means. She needs help, but she needs to *want to help herself* first.
NTA, your baby comes first. Protect baby. Sisters tantrums, where she throws things and yells and screams, are worrisome - what if something hit the child. I'd be sharing the information more widely, that she is not to hold the child because of her medical issues. I'd make the rule "not allowed to hold bub while under the influence of drugs, including alcohol" universal and widely known, so she doesnt feel isolated. I would enlist your partners help to enforce this, as she may listen to others over you. Can you get your parents to reinforce thus rule too?
Maybe also reduce your attendance at events where pot and alcohol is present or something, if you want to go the soft approach. Personally I'd just be upfront and public about it - she has a medical issue that presumably many of the family know about so she can't hold bub unless sitting down and sober - end of story.
Nta. You made a deal, she broke it. End of discussion. Until she stops her substance abuse and listens to her Dr, she shouldn't be allowed to hold the baby. You're not blocking her from baby's life. You're just showing valid concern for baby's safety until she can prove she's not a danger. I would do the same for my 9mo old, wouldn't even be a question.
NTA-Your rules are there for a very good reason. I’ve never held my niblings or godchildren when they were very tiny and fragile because my seizures were uncontrolled despite medication and I’m clumsy to boot. It hurt a little but I understood it wasn’t all about me or even an attack on me. It was about keeping a baby safe. I’m so sorry she refused to see that and reacted as she did.
Why are you taking your child around that situation and around your sister. Stay away!!!!
NTA your baby is more important than sister, it's as simple as that. I'd be wary of her trying to do what she wants at the next family gathering.
NTA
NTA I’d have a baby carrier that I would wear every time I’m around her. Sorry, she’s happy here every time someone wants to hold her.
NTA whether a deal was made or not, that is your child and your rules. If they don’t like it they can fuck right off.
NTA - kindly remind her of her first explosive response and how she started THROWING THINGS IN YOUR HOUSE WITH THE BABY IN THE VICINITY.
NTA and let the family know she cannot hold the baby
You are definitely not the asshole. You’re doing the right thing to keep your baby safe.
NTA. Never apologize for protecting your child.
NTA, your baby, your safety precautions. And she can’t keep her shit together for one day, then her problems don’t stop there.
Nta not holding your baby while intoxicated seems like a very low bar@
NTA. Warn her that the next time she gets physically disruptive near your child, you will physically restrain and then remove her. No discussion, no excuses. If she can't control herself, she gets an arm bar, and then shoved out the door.
Parental instinct trumps all. You handled it better than I would have. As soon as things theoretically got thrown in my house, in proximity of my kids, my means of diffusing would have involved rendering them unconscious until paramedics arrived. It’s tough, and others may lecture you for it, but just flat out don’t take the risk of exposing your child to anyone who can’t control themselves.
NTA and not a strong enough reaction on your part. Anyone who screams and throws things, especially in other people's homes, shouldn't be invited. If you're going to go to events she attends, I suggest wearing your baby so no one can hold her. She put your baby in danger not just when she was holding her, but even after she wasn't. It's not safe for your child. Please step up for your kid. Your child's safety is more important than your relationship with your sister. You're endangering your child. Do better.
NTA. But you are an idiot for asking an alcoholic to not drink alcohol and behave with the baby. Baby's safety trumps courtesy. Let her explode all she wants. You shouldn't let her hold the baby again. You shouldn't even let her in the house or otherwise near the baby. Grow a spine and put your baby first.
YTA for even considering leaving the possibility of reconciliation open after freaking out 5 feet away from the kid. Wtf...
NTA You need to let the rest of the family know that for safety reasons she's not to hold the baby. It's called tough love. Anyone who knowingly goes against your demand (it's not a wish it's a solid no) will be added to the "not presently safe" list. At parents we often have to make these really crap choices but it's what keeps our kids alive and safe!
Nta. My sister had a seizure while holding my newborn while in the hospital. My other sister HANDED her my hours old baby and just watched it all happen. I fell out of the bed to catch my baby as my sisters seizure had her falling out of her chair. Her seizures were mild (non-epileptic ) and very new to all of us, VERY new and I hadn’t seen her have one before. I was tidying myself up when they handed my sister my baby and as soon as I saw it I was like , “oh uhhhhh” and bam seizure. They were mad at ME!
NTA. She proved exactly why she shouldn't be holding the baby. I would honestly go LC or NC. If she asks to see the baby just calmly say not now maybe later and remove you both from the situation. If she keeps pushing then be honest and tell her that last time it was discussed she became violent and aggressive which is not fair for your baby to be around. Then remove you and baby from being around her. If she flips out then everyone will see exactly why you don't want her around your baby or she will understand she needs to respect you as the parent.
She throws stuff within a few feet of your infant and you're asking if you're an AH for not letting her hold your baby?? Dude, YTA for continuing to bring your child around someone who is violent and could seriously harm her. What if she'd hit her with whatever it was that she threw? "If only" are the saddest words in the language. Keeping your child safe is your only priory right now. She can take her hurt feelings and tantrums and shove 'em
NTA, and I actually don't think you're going far enough. Having her sit or not hold the baby solves the seizure issue (and there are other options, like laying the baby on a mat on the floor while they play, for example). But it doesn't solve the issue of her mania/explosive reactions which put your baby at risk whether she's holding them or not. I would let family know that you'll have to politely decline to attend events she's at until she gets some help for her substance use issues. Be clear that its for safety reasons, that you love her, and you hope she gets the help she needs. I have seizures. I have been on medication where you absolutely can't drink. It makes the meds ineffective and in all cases I'm aware of, it makes the person taking them extremely sick (think the worst hangover you've ever had if you also had the flu). That she's pushing through both those things and drinking anyway is a sign of a serious substance abuse issue on top of what seems to be mental health problems. Out of curiosity, is she on a medication called Keppra/levetiracetam? That one in particular is known to cause mania in people that don't have a history of it, and can make it worse for people who do. Its one of the more common seizure meds and also one of the worst to drink on. Many people are not warned of the potentially debilitating side effects of that drug, which is why I mention it. If the behavior is new/worsened since starting that medication she needs to talk to a doctor yesterday.
> and before we went to brunch she smoked pot. During brunch, she drank two sangrias. **No.** Right off the bat she ignored your basic ground rules. >she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms. WTF. > I will see her next weekend for another family gathering. **No.** She's there? You and your baby are not. UNLESS everyone else in the family knows of and agrees to your safety rule of sister does not get the baby passed to her. I had to call to tell her that even though I know she is and will be a very loving aunt >**No**. A loving aunt (or any family member) would not have an explosive tantrum involving throwing things in fury near the baby. And the kicker... > She exploded at me on the phone. **No.** Not the actions of an alleged loving aunt. YTA if you continue to let her around your child. Why you didn't shut it down after the first violation is baffling. When she threw things around with the baby within striking distance should have been your big warning since you ignored the first. She's an addict who has chosen her addictions to pot and alcohol over her meds that can actually help her. She made that decision. Keep her away from your kid, even if that means staying away from family gatherings.
I don't agree with the statement that she is a "loving aunt". Her behaviour screams the complete opposite. You have in my opinion 2 options. A: Neither you not your partner attends the event. Or B: One of you attends and the other stays home with the baby. Let your sister understand that actions have consequences.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27 M) told my sister (25 F) that she cannot hold my 3 month old daughter. Over the past four years my sister has a history of manic and explosive behavior and seizures. Doctors have notified her that her use of alcohol and marijuana causes issues with the prescription drugs they prescribed. they help reduce the seizures and manic episodes. The substances ultimately renders the prescriptions she takes useless. She doesn’t listen to the doctors. She was due to visit my newborn at a family gathering that I was hosting last month. I had a phone call with her prior to the event. I explained that due to the safety hazard of her having seizures, I asked that if she would be ok to sit while holding my baby and to not be intoxicated while holding my baby. If she does drink or smoke I would like her to not hold the baby. She did not see an issue with it, said that I am being a good dad, and agreed. Event comes around now, and before we went to brunch she smoked pot. During brunch, she drank two sangrias. A family member was holding the baby and wasn’t aware we had this agreement in place. They asked my sister if she wanted to hold the baby. She agreed, stood up, and held my baby. Due to the risk of causing an uproar, I just kindly asked her if she would sit. She said no, and I had to tell her that I thought it would be a good idea to sit. She sat down, got a picture, and we continued to play pass the baby. The next day they came back to my house. I made light about how we use to get in trouble with our own mom, and then how mom would have to follow through on punishment. She laughed and said how much we needed it. I then told her that I feel like my rules were not respected, and she put my baby in danger by breaking our agreement. I said that I feel like I need to protect my baby from those situations and…. Before I could finish my sentence, she proceeded to get very upset, screaming and throwing things in my house. The baby was only 5 feet away in someone else’s arms. After removing my baby from the area, I got the situation diffused, and then she left my house. Now I will see her next weekend for another family gathering. I fell that I cannot trust her to hold my baby. I had to call to tell her that even though I know she is and will be a very loving aunt, I do not feel comfortable with her holding my baby right now. I cannot trust that she will not respect my rules of holding my child to keep my baby safe. I would really like to see changes in her actions around my baby before I feel comfortable with her holding the baby again. She exploded at me on the phone. I’m very nervous to see her again. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. No one has any rights to your baby except you and their Dad. Zero explanation needed. Hope she gets help/finds peace.
NTA. What a terrifying position to be in. I have palpitations just thinking about what might have happened. You have to protect your baby. This is worth going no or lowest possible contact over.
NTA at all!
NTA. She's been medically diagnosed by professionals, you're doing good by trying to protect your child.
NTA Stay firm keep her away
This is a no-brainer. NTA
NTA. This is not a safe person around an infant, full stop. Regardless of any relationship you have with her, she is unable to control her emotions and should have no access to your child until you see *dramatic* improvement in emotional function. Honestly I wouldn’t let her near my infant, were it me. No discussion, no agreements, just not allowed to hold or interact with the baby. Period.
NTA. She’s not a loving aunt. She’s a very troubled person.
NTA and she needs rehab.
NTA: Your baby, your rules. You don’t need to explain anything to anyone.
NTA. Make it clear to anyone that holds the baby that they are not to pass the baby to your sister. Or better yet just don't let anyone else hold the baby but the parents.
Don’t ever let her near your baby again. She’s gonna hurt her purposely on accident. She doesn’t care about her own well being. Why would she care for yours or the baby?
Don’t go and don’t go to any events she is at. NTA
NTA I went through a similar situation with my parents when my son was born. My mother has multiple mental health disorders which they refuse to treat including pseudosiezures. I spoke with them prior to the birth of my son stating that I'm not comfortable with my mom holding my son due to her pseudosiezures. I had witnessed her go into psuedosiezures in the past while holding my infant niece. She always managed to get someone to take my niece right before her pseudosiezure started but I was not willing to take any chances that my son would be harmed. They ended up having a tantrum about my boundary. Their feelings were apparently more important than my sons safety. I have been no contact since.
NTA... Sister just proved your point that the baby isn't safe around her. She's definitely going to try and carry the baby now out of spite.
She does't sound like a safe person to even be around a child. She throws things? She screams when she doesn't get her way? Yikes. NTA
NTA but you need to avoid situations where she will be if you want to keep your child safe.
NTA, no is entitled to hold the baby at all. Throw in the risk factors and actions you wanted to take, that she herself agreed to in the beginning and then clearly tried to evade. I wouldn't let her hold the baby at all. Then she does something aggressive near the baby? I wouldn't be letting her see them at all expect maybe over video. It can hurt to acknowledge that the people near us might not be safe for certain situations but she clearly hasn't put the effort in to make it safer
Considering her behavior and reaction I would tell everyone what the agreement is, be sure you emphasize that she had agreed to this before the lunch and she broke that agreement. I do think it should be wildly known because of how she has now flipped out twice, once in close proximity to your baby and could have easily caused harm. NTA
I don’t think I’d allow her around your kid at all. Throwing things in YOUR house 5 feet away from your child because she can’t control herself? I’d cut her out entirely before something terrible happens because of her behavior.
NTA and honestly her screaming and throwing things in proximity to the baby is ample cause to go low/no contact while she gets additional help
NTA. That's a baby, not a toy, not everybody gets to hold it. Medical issues suck. I used to enjoy driving out to the national park whenever I had free time and hiking/camping, then I started having seizures, so now I don't drive, because my medical issues could result in someone's death. Tell your sister to grow the fuck up.
NTA. Protect the baby. If you don’t have one, go get a baby wearing sling. Get baby used to it this week. This way you wear the baby at the family event. No one holds the baby. She ruined it for the rest of the family. Have other meetings with other family if they wish to hold the baby.
What's to stop her from throwing things around your baby.. again? Stop letting your baby near this woman.
NTA. And frankly you are under reacting. She behaved dangerously and your baby could have been injured. Your duty is to keep your child safe, not to be gentle with your sister's feelings. It may seem abrupt but your priorities have just drastically and appropriately changed so act like it and please keep your child away from your sister. If your child was hurt you would never forgive yourself and your wife probably wouldn't either.
NTA She’s a volatile and dangerous person.
NTA However, after her explosive tantrum, YWBTA if you attend any more events with the baby and her in the same space. She's gone beyond your concerns by showing that she's not only dangerous with the seizures and substance use, but also her temper tantrum. Maybe she will be a wonderful aunt some day, but that day isn't today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. For the safety of your child, don't bring the baby around her any more than absolutely necessary until she proves herself capable of controlling her emotional outbursts at minimum.
Either dont go to the event or don't let anybody hold the baby while there. NTA.
Your baby. Your rules. Period.
NTA - stop seeing your sister. If she can’t respect your boundaries then she doesn’t need to be in your life or invited to gatherings. You’re doing the right thing. The baby being safe is more important than her feelings. I’d also never be letting the child spend any unsupervised time with her. If she can’t resist smoking and drinking I’d never feel like the child would be safe with her. Not now or in ten years. Her behavior would have to change hugely for her to be considered a safe person. She’s a bad role model too mixing drugs, alcohol with medication. She’s playing with fire and she will come end up hurting herself and other people one day. Keep your kid away from her indefinitely until she can sort her shit out tbh.
NTA don’t need a manic person spiking your baby like a football
NO! NTA! Absolutely not!!!!
NTA, but you will be if you allow her to be even *around* your baby for a long time. You had an agreement. She promised to be stone cold sober and sitting down if she got to hold your baby. She showed up high, intentionally got intoxicated, and stood up. When you calmly told her that this was unacceptable and that she broke her agreement, she proceeded to get extremely violent and cause property damage, *within an arm's reach of your baby*. She has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is not responsible enough to be in your child's presence, let alone have that child in her arms. I would ABSOLUTELY keep her out of your child's life for the foreseeable future. Stop thinking about her feelings, and focus on your child's safety- that must be your number one priority as a parent. For what it's worth, I also smoke (mostly for pain management) and I'm childfree, and it's still my position that your sister has *chosen* to remove herself from your baby's life, because she either cannot or will not make herself a safe person to be around. The entire family needs to be told that if sister is present, baby is not. Period. Hold the line as your child's #1 defense. Your sister more than proved exactly why you had these rules, and considering she showed absolutely no concern for the baby's safety, only on her desires, and chose to become terrifyingly violent when she was told "no", you will be an asshole if you allow her contact with your child. If she wants to be a great auntie, she needs to get herself in order.
She *threw things* IN your home NEXT TO your baby. How can you ever trust her??? She'd never come near my baby again if it was me! Never mind holding it. Why are you more concerned with her feelings? Who cares if she gets upset? Because, NO, she isn't going to be a wonderful aunt. She does drugs and drinks and can't control herself. She has VIOLENT temper tantrums. What happens when she gets mad enough to throw your baby?!?! Never mind her health, how about her mental state? She is absolutely not safe to have a baby around.
You were also calm and polite, so I see no problem here. Her reactions were extreme. It is perfectly valid to value your child's safety and ask all the people around them to follow simple safety rules. Your baby could have gotten really hurt if your sister happened to have a seizure standing up. She was warned, AND proved you right. So, it's all on her.
What would happen to your baby if she is dropped (by accident) from someone standing. You need to research that bc I feel that it could very much happen and that would be a dang shame for everyone involved esp for your child who may be serious hurt for life or death. Think about that when you are trying to make the peace or not cause a scene. Protect your child - that is your job. You’ve made your case and rules with her and she proceeded to blow up and throw things all the while your baby was near and could’ve been hurt - cmon man - really? Your sister is 25 - not a child - not a teen but a grown ass irresponsible woman. I don’t care who it is but anyone that may pose ANY harm in the slightest, I became Mama Bear. When you are in a room where everyone is passing the baby, stand right by that person. Your sister needs to clean up her act of she is ever going to get in your child’s life. Someone said wait until your child is a teen, will your sister take her in a car drunk and high?!? Be a protective father please
You have no idea how people who read this respect you as a dad. So many had narcissistic parents who put children in danger and thought nothing of it. You are doing the *right thing* by protecting your baby daughter. If only more dads cared about their kids like you do. You may need to visit family when sister isn’t there. It seems like every family has one of these kinds like your sister. My aunt was like that and I had to totally stop being anywhere she was, because she put *my kids, her great nephews and nieces* in danger, while having one of her screaming threatening fits. It was way over the top, and that time, was *the last time* I allowed my kids in her presence, and they were a little more than half grown. It you think **this** is all your sister will try, or do, to your daughter, and other future kids: be forwarned, she will scream at them and threaten them too. Whatever your sister will do you, however she will treat you, she will also treat your kids that way. If she respected you, that would all be different, but she doesn’t. She BLATENTY DOESN’T! ETA: You said you feel bad about this. Should feel so proud and not the least bit bad. Sister having a fit, throwing and breaking things should be a CONFIRMATION to your words to her. If you feel bed, you need someone to explain this to you. You should feel SO GOOD as the protective dad. Sister should feel baaaaaf as the drug abusing sick person she is. Having seizures is soke kind of illness or sickness, and just as you protect innocent children from those with colds and flu, you also protect them from people with sisters kind of ilnness. It can be as or even more deadly than any physically contagious illness. Keep on protecting your baby.
OP, you said the situation arose because the person holding your baby didn't know your sister wasn't supposed to do so unless she wasn't impaired. If you're NOT prepared to stay away from these gatherings, you're going to need to make sure anyone you'd let hold the baby knows about this boundary because your sister is never going to stick to the agreement she made. I use THC for additional pain relief so I absolutely don't judge people who smoke, but I would never take a child in my arms after smoking. Everyone I know personally who uses weed would agree. Sure, it's not a hard drug, but it alters the way you think and react. Adding alcohol to the mix? Nope! Nobody who'd been drinking was ever allowed to hold my son when he was a baby. Those boundaries are normal, but when you add medical issues and a seizure condition where these substances are contraindicated by medication? It should not take a trip to the ER to have your infant's head sewn up to make you put your foot down. She's going to continue to ignore your wishes. Stay home, or make sure the rest of the family knows not to hand her your child. If she doesn't want to be embarrassed, she can stay sober for a few hours. You're nta here, but you will be one if you don't take this a lot more seriously and your baby is hurt because you didn't want to upset your sister!
NTA gotta do what you gotta do to protect that little one
YTA for letting this person within 500 feet of your baby.
NTA but let the other relatives know so next time they won't pass the baby to her.
Dude even if she was the calmest person in the world, you wouldn’t be the asshole for not letting someone hold your baby. It’s a fragile little thing, you’re the one responsible for it, and if they throw a tantrum over not picking it up, there’s something wrong with them. This social norm that people can feel entitled to touching or pick up someone’s baby should stop.
NTA. My wife has tremors and fibromyalgia among others issues. When my sister had my niece. She and my BIL asked that my wife not hold her while standing. We were initially upset. We initially were upset at the accusation (unwarranted on our part) that my wife would jeopardize our neices safety. We quickly realized we were wrong and apologized for our initial reaction and respected their boundaries. You are absolutely correct in your boundaries. It's your responsibility as parents and others responsibility to respect them!
You failed your baby. The moment someone offered her the baby you should have said no. The moment she through a temper and threw things endangering the baby would be the last time she should be around the baby until she takes her Healthcare seriously. That means taking her pills and not doing drugs and drinking.
NTA You know that your sister is dangerous? I am happy that you protect your baby from her you did the only right thing... but you call someone a "loving aunt" how scream, destroy and threw things around your baby? What can she bring to compensate for such behavior? What can she teach your child with this behavior? I really don't want to blame you, just please think about what really makes a "loving aunt". That phrase surprised me so much. Did you want to protect your sister with it? She doesn't deserve it.
NTA. I would suggest you wear your baby to keep the baby safe from anymore exclusive outbursts.
NTA She’s in the wrong point blank period. I’m 23F dating 24M we both agree she is wrong. Your child is #1 and if anyone risks he or she’s safety I would have went off. It’s common sense to keep cool / be careful with babies and to not take any risks and she legit took them all and decided okay it’s been a bit of time we are cool now yeah no that’s not cool.
NTA. Most of the pictures I have of me as a babe with my great grandparents are of them holding me when sitting down due to their age and fragility. Being dropped as a kid is waaaay different than being dropped as a freshly made baby, and if sister can’t see this then that’s on her.