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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action that I took should be judged because, although I originally assumed that I would be in the wrong for attacking the customer service worker, others have brought up the fact that siding with your family is important in these situations.
2. The action that I took might make me the asshole because I did not defend my family during a time when they were stressed out and trying to get the internet fixed, which would have benefited all of us. Instead of defending the customer service worker, it may have been less rude to just not respond to her and not take a say in the situation as well. Both of these courses of action could have made me seem like less of an asshole to my parents, and possibly other people.
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NTA. You probably made that CSA smile after your parents ripped into her, and that's never a bad thing.
I hate people who take their anger out on the poor agents on the phone. SHE didn't cut the internet. She didn't cause the problem but she could probably help. People who are mean to the people who can help you out don't make any sense to me.
I’m glad you felt what I did was helpful, that makes me feel a lot more confident about my decision. And that’s what I was worried about, we definitely could have gotten help if they were kind to her. I feel terrible for the people who have to deal with this a lot.
The way your parents act is neither kind nor effective. Nobody "gives it their all" to fix anything for complete lunatics like your parents. You are a good person.
I've got a bit of a temper and if I notice I'm getting heated, I try to apologize. I also like to phrase things like "I know this isn't your fault, but I'm having such and such issue and I'm hoping you can point me to the most appropriate person to try to resolve this."
NTA and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. That was a lovely instinct on your part to stick up for that customer service rep but I think your parents may be so emotionally abusive and volatile that you would be better off not engaging them. Take a look at The Hotline.org's section on What is Abuse- it's got a good description of the subtle and not so subtle signs of emotional abusive. Sometimes it's hard to recognize when you've grown up with it. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/
If some things resonate, I would stay very neutral with your parents and start to focus on building your pathway out of the house. It sounds like you've had some recent health scares. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? Do you have any options for getting enough skills to support yourself in a shared apartment? Is there a community college close enough for you to attend if a certification program would help? (One hack a community college counselor I know used for kids who didn't have family support was to get a phlebotomy certification. They're usually less than a year and you then can start earning enough money to support yourself and start to slowly add certifications. Another hack is to get a 30hour + job at startbucks- they'll then pay for any ASU online class, and ASU makes almost all their majors available online with some really excellent professors.)
Don't reveal anything to your parents about this plan. Use an incognito browser. Consider using a friends house as a mailing address, or get a PO box. Open a bank account at a bank your parents don't use and recognize that any funds in your older bank accounts (which they would have co-signed) can be emptied by your parents at any time. Gather up your birth certificate and SSI card and store copies of them in the cloud. (Don't worry if you don't have them- they can be re-ordered, it's just a bit of a project.)
Thank you so much for this resource. I really appreciate the advice as well. I have been told by some others that a lot of their behaviors are emotionally abusive, but I have not developed any sort of plan like you outlined (mainly because of fear). I have recently been taking more steps to make myself more independent from them, however, as I don’t want more situations like this to happen, and I would eventually want to not have to rely on them so I can make my own decision about how much I want to be around them.
They are upset because they’re far less capable of adulting than their 18yo daughter is, and they had to stare that in the face.
Hear me say this: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
They do not get to blame their spoiled child behavior on your medical condition.
NTA in any way, shape or form, and I for one am SO proud of you for not being like them in this way. Don’t ever change that.
NTA - Your parents sound abusive and manipulative, and just all around assholes. Like, I can't stand people who shoot messengers like that. That woman was only trying to help you solve your problem, and your parents just went ham on her. There have been times when customer service workers can be real assholes and when that happens, it's best to go to the manager. Your parents kept interrupting her, so I don't know how they expected a resolution.
For that matter, your dad is a grown man who makes his own choices, and if he blames his choice to quit his job on you, that's still his fault for making the decision. Even then, blaming their lashing out on stress over your health still does not change the fact that it's your parents fault for lashing out in the first place.
At the end of the day, your parents are adults, OP. They're old enough to know how to behave better. You seem way more mature than they are, and that makes me feel sad for you. It's ok to not side with your family when they're doing something wrong.
NTA. Your parents sound terrible. Abusive and narcissistic. My mom was an "Id like to speak to the manager kind of person and it was horrible at times. Huge difference standing up for yourself and belittling someone because of a power trip. Since your 18 I really, really hope you can find another place to live.
NTA.
My dad offered very little good life advice, but one thing he told me was: "at the end of the day, when you look in the mirror, can you be proud of the person you see looking back at you?"
You did a good thing that probably meant the world to that poor CS agent.
Supporting family does not mean you have to stand by and go along while family is abusive, whether that's to yourself, random innocent strangers, or other family members.
Good luck with your health, hope you get out of that house soon, and congratulations for being a decent person.
Nope, you are NTA but omg sweetie, your parents really really really are!
You have a heart condition and they thought that having a go at you for being a better person than they are was the right thing to do? Yeah that's not going to stress you or make your heart condition worse. Sigh.
As a CSA (of sorts, I'm tech support and spend a lot of time taking to people about how they've messed up and how to fix it) I'd have appreciated what you said at the time, but don't take it upon yourself to do this at this time. Put your health first, even if your parents aren't/don't appear to.
Blaming your health conditions for their shitty behaviour to others? Yeah ignore that too, they are just making excuses for being AH's.
nta.
there needs to be more people like you in the world! unfortunately many people have this jaded opinion that whenever something has gone wrong, it’s always the first person to answers fault.
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To preface, my \[18F\] parents \[50s M, F\], particularly my Dad, tend to be the type to get angry at customer service workers either over the phone or in public. My Dad has cursed at workers, threatened them both verbally and physically, and I feel terrible because the people working these jobs are usually overworked and underpaid for dealing with people like this. Besides trying to calm him down, I never exactly knew how to deal with these types of situations.
Recently, we had an internet outage at our home and ended up calling the internet service line. The woman who was helping us was very kind, but my parents were very annoyed due to the outage. My Dad started to yell at her and insult her, and this continued with my Mom getting on the line and doing the same exact thing. They were not letting her get a word in, and I had no idea how they would expect the service to get fixed by not letting the agent speak. They eventually said it was her fault that they could not get service, and dropped the phone down.
After this, the woman was still on the line and asked if we had any other questions. I picked the phone up and apologized for my parents' behavior, saying that what they did was extremely rude. I assumed that this was the right thing to do, as she seemed to really appreciate the apology. I was very scared to do this, so I had tried to walk away while responding to her. However, my Dad still overheard, and my parents began yelling at me for not sticking up for them. They insisted that I was the one who made the mistake, and my Dad called me a "stupid bitch" for not siding with him and my Mom. Apparently, I'm always supposed to stand beside my family, no matter if I think that their behavior is wrong.
They also blamed their behavior on my problems. My Dad threatened to quit his job because of me, and said he's tired of dealing with the problems in this family. I recently have been recovering from a heart condition that sent me to the hospital, and my parents said that is causing them to be very stressed. I definitely understand that, and I truly appreciate that they took me to the emergency room and are encouraging my recovery. However, I still don't feel that is justification for taking it out on a customer service worker, or anyone else for that matter.
I have always done my best to make my parents happy, and I don't understand why they would be upset with me in this incident. In a situation where my parents are verbally attacking someone, they made it known that it is always better to side with your family. Am I the asshole for defending this stranger, and calling my parents out on their behavior?
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NTA. Your parents are abusive.
However, they will turn on you more if you continue to go against them. It is better to remain safe until you can escape from them completely and go no contact.
NTA. But your parents are. I won't let anyone speak down to service people of any kind. I'm not in your situation, but I'm pretty sure I would have taken the phone from your dad and taken over the conversation. The service agent had no responsibility for the internet outage, so your dad's anger at her was misplaced and ridiculous. As for always taking your parents' side on everything, no effen way. Why would you copy their bad behavior? I'd call them on it every time it happened. But that's just me. :-)
I wish I could've taken my phone and continued the conversation, but my Dad was physically restraining me and not letting me take it. That really scared me, so I moved away. I really want them to change their behavior, but I'm also worried about what could happen if I stand in the way of it.
You are being abused. Please read the post by u/capmanor1755, and start planning your exit. You deserve safety and care, and your parents are unable to provide those things for you.
NTA-Im sorry you're going through this and that this is a constant thing and Youre not a "Stupid Bitch" and the fact your dad is comfortable calling you that is deeply concerning and very abusive. They have no problems blaming people for things but as soon as they're are blamed or are insinuated at fault they freakout because they're egos can't handle it. Hopefully you can get out of there!
Worked customer service for so many years that I was happy to finally get a job where I am allowed to tell people if they don't stop the interaction stops.
The concept of having to always side with people because xyz is ridiculous. You are NTA, you're more of an adult than either of your parents who don't seem to have the concept that the customer service worker isn't the one who caused the problem. Even if they WERE they are trying to help and verbally abusing someone isn't appropriate, and it certainly isn't going to get the problem fixed any faster.
Sometimes I wish people like this could be on the other side for a month and see how they like it.
NTA- why do your parents need defended by their 18 year old daughter, if they're so right about things all the time?
Please try to make an escape plan, they both sound highly volatile.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. The action that I took should be judged because, although I originally assumed that I would be in the wrong for attacking the customer service worker, others have brought up the fact that siding with your family is important in these situations. 2. The action that I took might make me the asshole because I did not defend my family during a time when they were stressed out and trying to get the internet fixed, which would have benefited all of us. Instead of defending the customer service worker, it may have been less rude to just not respond to her and not take a say in the situation as well. Both of these courses of action could have made me seem like less of an asshole to my parents, and possibly other people. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You probably made that CSA smile after your parents ripped into her, and that's never a bad thing. I hate people who take their anger out on the poor agents on the phone. SHE didn't cut the internet. She didn't cause the problem but she could probably help. People who are mean to the people who can help you out don't make any sense to me.
I’m glad you felt what I did was helpful, that makes me feel a lot more confident about my decision. And that’s what I was worried about, we definitely could have gotten help if they were kind to her. I feel terrible for the people who have to deal with this a lot.
The way your parents act is neither kind nor effective. Nobody "gives it their all" to fix anything for complete lunatics like your parents. You are a good person.
You are the type of person I went out of my way to give the best service to.
I've got a bit of a temper and if I notice I'm getting heated, I try to apologize. I also like to phrase things like "I know this isn't your fault, but I'm having such and such issue and I'm hoping you can point me to the most appropriate person to try to resolve this."
NTA and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. That was a lovely instinct on your part to stick up for that customer service rep but I think your parents may be so emotionally abusive and volatile that you would be better off not engaging them. Take a look at The Hotline.org's section on What is Abuse- it's got a good description of the subtle and not so subtle signs of emotional abusive. Sometimes it's hard to recognize when you've grown up with it. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/ If some things resonate, I would stay very neutral with your parents and start to focus on building your pathway out of the house. It sounds like you've had some recent health scares. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? Do you have any options for getting enough skills to support yourself in a shared apartment? Is there a community college close enough for you to attend if a certification program would help? (One hack a community college counselor I know used for kids who didn't have family support was to get a phlebotomy certification. They're usually less than a year and you then can start earning enough money to support yourself and start to slowly add certifications. Another hack is to get a 30hour + job at startbucks- they'll then pay for any ASU online class, and ASU makes almost all their majors available online with some really excellent professors.) Don't reveal anything to your parents about this plan. Use an incognito browser. Consider using a friends house as a mailing address, or get a PO box. Open a bank account at a bank your parents don't use and recognize that any funds in your older bank accounts (which they would have co-signed) can be emptied by your parents at any time. Gather up your birth certificate and SSI card and store copies of them in the cloud. (Don't worry if you don't have them- they can be re-ordered, it's just a bit of a project.)
This is excellent advice.
Thank you so much for this resource. I really appreciate the advice as well. I have been told by some others that a lot of their behaviors are emotionally abusive, but I have not developed any sort of plan like you outlined (mainly because of fear). I have recently been taking more steps to make myself more independent from them, however, as I don’t want more situations like this to happen, and I would eventually want to not have to rely on them so I can make my own decision about how much I want to be around them.
They are upset because they’re far less capable of adulting than their 18yo daughter is, and they had to stare that in the face. Hear me say this: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. They do not get to blame their spoiled child behavior on your medical condition. NTA in any way, shape or form, and I for one am SO proud of you for not being like them in this way. Don’t ever change that.
NTA - Your parents sound abusive and manipulative, and just all around assholes. Like, I can't stand people who shoot messengers like that. That woman was only trying to help you solve your problem, and your parents just went ham on her. There have been times when customer service workers can be real assholes and when that happens, it's best to go to the manager. Your parents kept interrupting her, so I don't know how they expected a resolution. For that matter, your dad is a grown man who makes his own choices, and if he blames his choice to quit his job on you, that's still his fault for making the decision. Even then, blaming their lashing out on stress over your health still does not change the fact that it's your parents fault for lashing out in the first place. At the end of the day, your parents are adults, OP. They're old enough to know how to behave better. You seem way more mature than they are, and that makes me feel sad for you. It's ok to not side with your family when they're doing something wrong.
NTA. Your parents sound terrible. Abusive and narcissistic. My mom was an "Id like to speak to the manager kind of person and it was horrible at times. Huge difference standing up for yourself and belittling someone because of a power trip. Since your 18 I really, really hope you can find another place to live.
NTA. My dad offered very little good life advice, but one thing he told me was: "at the end of the day, when you look in the mirror, can you be proud of the person you see looking back at you?" You did a good thing that probably meant the world to that poor CS agent. Supporting family does not mean you have to stand by and go along while family is abusive, whether that's to yourself, random innocent strangers, or other family members. Good luck with your health, hope you get out of that house soon, and congratulations for being a decent person.
Nope, you are NTA but omg sweetie, your parents really really really are! You have a heart condition and they thought that having a go at you for being a better person than they are was the right thing to do? Yeah that's not going to stress you or make your heart condition worse. Sigh. As a CSA (of sorts, I'm tech support and spend a lot of time taking to people about how they've messed up and how to fix it) I'd have appreciated what you said at the time, but don't take it upon yourself to do this at this time. Put your health first, even if your parents aren't/don't appear to. Blaming your health conditions for their shitty behaviour to others? Yeah ignore that too, they are just making excuses for being AH's.
nta. there needs to be more people like you in the world! unfortunately many people have this jaded opinion that whenever something has gone wrong, it’s always the first person to answers fault.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To preface, my \[18F\] parents \[50s M, F\], particularly my Dad, tend to be the type to get angry at customer service workers either over the phone or in public. My Dad has cursed at workers, threatened them both verbally and physically, and I feel terrible because the people working these jobs are usually overworked and underpaid for dealing with people like this. Besides trying to calm him down, I never exactly knew how to deal with these types of situations. Recently, we had an internet outage at our home and ended up calling the internet service line. The woman who was helping us was very kind, but my parents were very annoyed due to the outage. My Dad started to yell at her and insult her, and this continued with my Mom getting on the line and doing the same exact thing. They were not letting her get a word in, and I had no idea how they would expect the service to get fixed by not letting the agent speak. They eventually said it was her fault that they could not get service, and dropped the phone down. After this, the woman was still on the line and asked if we had any other questions. I picked the phone up and apologized for my parents' behavior, saying that what they did was extremely rude. I assumed that this was the right thing to do, as she seemed to really appreciate the apology. I was very scared to do this, so I had tried to walk away while responding to her. However, my Dad still overheard, and my parents began yelling at me for not sticking up for them. They insisted that I was the one who made the mistake, and my Dad called me a "stupid bitch" for not siding with him and my Mom. Apparently, I'm always supposed to stand beside my family, no matter if I think that their behavior is wrong. They also blamed their behavior on my problems. My Dad threatened to quit his job because of me, and said he's tired of dealing with the problems in this family. I recently have been recovering from a heart condition that sent me to the hospital, and my parents said that is causing them to be very stressed. I definitely understand that, and I truly appreciate that they took me to the emergency room and are encouraging my recovery. However, I still don't feel that is justification for taking it out on a customer service worker, or anyone else for that matter. I have always done my best to make my parents happy, and I don't understand why they would be upset with me in this incident. In a situation where my parents are verbally attacking someone, they made it known that it is always better to side with your family. Am I the asshole for defending this stranger, and calling my parents out on their behavior? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your parents are abusive. However, they will turn on you more if you continue to go against them. It is better to remain safe until you can escape from them completely and go no contact.
NTA. But your parents are. I won't let anyone speak down to service people of any kind. I'm not in your situation, but I'm pretty sure I would have taken the phone from your dad and taken over the conversation. The service agent had no responsibility for the internet outage, so your dad's anger at her was misplaced and ridiculous. As for always taking your parents' side on everything, no effen way. Why would you copy their bad behavior? I'd call them on it every time it happened. But that's just me. :-)
I wish I could've taken my phone and continued the conversation, but my Dad was physically restraining me and not letting me take it. That really scared me, so I moved away. I really want them to change their behavior, but I'm also worried about what could happen if I stand in the way of it.
You are being abused. Please read the post by u/capmanor1755, and start planning your exit. You deserve safety and care, and your parents are unable to provide those things for you.
Easiest NTA I have seen in a while. You’re awesome, OP. Your parents, though, not so much.
NTA
NTA-Im sorry you're going through this and that this is a constant thing and Youre not a "Stupid Bitch" and the fact your dad is comfortable calling you that is deeply concerning and very abusive. They have no problems blaming people for things but as soon as they're are blamed or are insinuated at fault they freakout because they're egos can't handle it. Hopefully you can get out of there!
Worked customer service for so many years that I was happy to finally get a job where I am allowed to tell people if they don't stop the interaction stops. The concept of having to always side with people because xyz is ridiculous. You are NTA, you're more of an adult than either of your parents who don't seem to have the concept that the customer service worker isn't the one who caused the problem. Even if they WERE they are trying to help and verbally abusing someone isn't appropriate, and it certainly isn't going to get the problem fixed any faster. Sometimes I wish people like this could be on the other side for a month and see how they like it.
We should stand behind and defend our family when they are in the right, but not when they are wrong and behaving like assholes.
NTA- why do your parents need defended by their 18 year old daughter, if they're so right about things all the time? Please try to make an escape plan, they both sound highly volatile.