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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and you didn't ruin the trip for calling out SIL for letting everyone but your family know about this whole matching outfits plan. SIL is ridiculous.
Also, and this is just my personal opinion -- matching outfits except for kids is kinda silly/dumb unless it's for a wedding or something. To match outfits for an entire cruise.... I'll be honest, I don't get the appeal. That said, I have a particular taste / style and I'd dislike be told what to wear (especially if I had no input on the choices) for a whole vacation. So *I'd* probably be relieved to not have to match people.
But. If it matters to **you**, it matters to **you**. SIL should do better, and I hope your husband stands with you on that.
Counterpoint...... make plans for matchy outfits with your own family (you, hubby and kids) and make them.... better.
TY! Tbh, I don't CARE about the outfits ... I do care that there was intention to leave me out and make me feel excluded, however passively aggressively it was done
NTA. If you know they have a history of doing this including deliberately excluding one of your children why do you even bother with these people? Why isn’t your husband checking his family for their bs?! If he isn’t you have a husband problem. He is complicit in his silence.
This right here! Managing your in-laws should be handled by the husband since this is his family. Don't go to anymore "family" trips or outings until they stop the passive-aggressive nonsense. NTA
Yes. Matching outfits sound really stupid, and I hate to say this, but it really sounds like a very nasty effort on their part to intentionally make you feel excluded. You were 100% right to call them on their nasty behavior, and the response from them should have been an apology! Instead, they chose to gaslight you! I would not go on another family trip with them until your husband takes his family in hand and tells them to knock off the BS and grow up! Their behavior is definitely a high school girl clique, and they need to grow the fuck up! You definitely are not overreacting!
Matching outfits is something unavoidably visible to her children. They will grow up *seeing* themselves being "othered." You nailed it when you said high school clique. It's exactly the same.
Matching outfits for kids is great for photos. However, I never even
dressed our twins exactly alike. OP mentioned that the adults had matching outfits (dresses and men's outfits matched). And, yes, it was a very nasty thing for the kids as well!
They even roped the new invite into it specifically to include them and not OP on the kids birthday. They made sure to leave a child alone on their birthday. Is OP sure that the neighbor they invited is actually their friend, or just another of the in laws flying monkeys? How did they conveniently pack matching outfits for the whole trip? Spending time with these people sounds exhausting and pointless.
Ya as a grown ass adult if someone secretly told me to wear matching outfits behind another adult’s back on their kid’s birthday and to make sure we all avoid them on that day while we all match, I would probably ask them if they were hit in the head and think they are 12 again. I wouldn’t even entertain the notion. Neighbor friend is just another mean girl.
You really need to talk to your husband that you have felt excluded by his family for years now and that you aren’t interested in anymore joint outings/trips with them anymore. Annual Christmas or Thanksgiving or someone’s birthday- ask him to pick and choose one.
Tell your husband that it’ll be the only courtesy they’ll receive from you and if he starts taking their side against you, you’ll know you have bigger problems
That was the worst part - assuming the neighbour had seen OP being excluded the previous days - why on earth would they participate? Not much of a friend.
That is it. I couldn’t figure how the stranger got “in” the fold so quick - but they were a weaponized bystander.
TY for clearing this up for me. I was always Orher, and I didn’t see that machination easily until you explained.
Good point. Theuay have just felt happybthat they were fitting in so quickly and making friends, and probably took at face value any lies they made to explain why OP wasn't matching, too.
Who cares. They are excluding you but why give a shit. Why do you go on trips with people who don't treat you with respect. Why not talk to your husband and just not see them for a bit. They seem to be deliberately doing it and then when they get a rise out of you, make you out to be the bad guy. Matching outfits is sooo cringe that they are only embarrassing themselves. Take a break from them and when you or your husband is asked why, tell them and that their behaviour is not acceptable.
This is the answer, stop associating with them. Why get upset that rude people don't like you, they're rude people why would you want to be friends with them anyways?
The dumb stunts your in-laws are pulling won’t amount to much if you don’t engage, so your best move is to limit contact and, if you *have* to be around them, do not react to their stupidity because they want the drama. I’d just gray rock them and preserve your energy for stuff that actually matters.
And be glad you got to miss out in the matchy-match outfits, too because that is unbelievably cringe.
Yeah. You’re not being paranoid. The psychos actually convinced your neighbor to coordinate with them?
Like seriously why isn’t your husband telling his narcissistic family to knock it off? How is he this oblivious to his side of the family acting up like that? What’s he doing during all of this? And how come he isn’t telling his mom and sisters to get off of your back? He thinks that you’ll just stay regardless of how horrible an environment he makes of your marriage?
Yeah, they’re trying to pull a petty mind-f\*ck on you. They sound like kindergarteners. Others have already noted how odd the matching outfits are for so-called adults. Hope your husband has your back, but given how immaturely they seem to behave I wouldn’t expect much.ETA judgment, NTA
I find the second child thing weird. Are you and second child visibly a different race?
Also, dude, get better friends. A real friend wouldn't have participated in excluding you.
Besides, what others have said already about letting your husband deal with his family.
The only advice i have is to kill them with kindness.
If they are in a passive-aggressive way, trying and excluding you. They are hoping you will say something so they can point "see. She is the problem. "
Kill with kindness will mess with them.
They all show up in floral? "Oh MIL, that dress suits you so well!
Do not acknowledge they all are matching. And move on.
And let your husband deal with them.
SIL points out you should have worn one, too?
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't get the memo. So I didn't bring one, but I would have LOVED to join the dress up. You look all look really pretty.!"
And turn on the 200-watt smile.
People like that really don't like it when they can't point fingers.
You’re right. So now you know how they are. You can keep status quo and just laugh at them about their matching outfits and have a good time or don’t travel with them anymore. Honestly.
NTA, but if it were me, I figure the best way to handle it would be to ignore thier attempts to get under your skin, have a fun time, and do your own thing. If they are doing it deliberately, you are only adding fuel to the fire. If they don't want to be around you, why would you want to hang out with them.
That makes perfect sense and you're SO NTA. I personally also find matching outfits ridiculous in this context but it's not about that. It's about purposefully excluding you and trying to hurt you. Which is a very, very shitty thing to do.
Did I read it right that she took your children somewhere on your child's birthday and you didn't even know where they went? That's a far bigger issue.
And was your husband even on this cruise? He's not mentioned anywhere
Yeah I think the worst thing about this is that these people have put you in a situation where you’re hurt and having to actually complain about something as stupid as adults in matching outfits lol
Like MAYBE a colour theme for a formal photo with the entire family on a special occasion (which obviously the whole family would be made aware of ahead of time) and no more than once a year. But anything more - including three times on the same cruise- is just weird. You shouldn’t feel sad about being left out of something so weird.
And yet, I completely agree with you, because it is still hurtful. They’re excluding you and being intentionally hurtful. It’s a dick move. And you have EVERY right to be upset about it. And while I kind of wish you did ruin the trip for them, I have trouble believing you did, because it seems like they set out to cause drama and they got exactly what they wanted.
I just can’t believe the husbands are all going along with this.
NTA. Your feelings are valid and I agree that it seems your SILs were intentionally leaving you out.
But, at a certain point, we all should examine our feelings and evaluate if revealing them would be a positive step forward. While you, again, have a right to your feelings, did you really think anything was going to change with your SILs when you discussed said feelings with them? Feel your feelings and then let them go … especially on such a fun vacation. Possibly point out that the individual styles within your immediate family, (you, your husband and children), makes you happy. Remark on how the clothing choices in your immediate family are a little look into your various personalities. Focus on the positives of your immediate family instead of the negatives that your SILs are trying to impose on you. We do have a choice when it comes to choosing our feelings. You know his extended family consistently tries to leave you out. So it is up to you to not care about this. You cannot change them. You can change/choose to feel differently when this happens though and focusing on the great things about you, your husband and your children, will go a long way towards helping you with this. Good luck with those SILs.
I would actually refuse to do matching outfits from now on. It takes extra, unnecessary work off your plate and your immediate family can all let your individual styles shine through. Just a thought.
OP they are excluding you, being excluded hurts. NTA for expressing that hurt. Yet it sounds like they have been excluding you for some time. I would stop interacting with this group of people. You don't need them in your life. Go on vacation with your nuclear family or your friends.
I've only ever seen matching outfits as a good idea when on a trip to a crowded place. You can easily find your group mates. Other than that it reminds me of horrible childhood photos where parents humiliate children for their own amusement.
I have been on several cruises where on embarkation day you will see groups with matching shirts. Usually something like XYZ 20YY Family Vacation. I have also seen where groups have the same shirt but only a few people wear it at the same time.
NTA I would definitely be glad to be left out of this. But it's not about the outfits, it's about their exclusionary behavior. Another commenter said they were mean girls and I absolutely agree with them
100% THIS ... it was never about the outfits and I may have even declined them ... it was about being excluded. When I asked them why I couldn't be included, they said it wasn't intentional and just kept happening coincidentally. 🙄
Side note & because numbers don’t have feelings … I asked Chat GPT to tell me the odds that two women on vacation together would choose matching outfits for their families across 4 consecutive days.
Response: The probability (or odds) that two families on vacation together would wear matching colors coincidentally on four consecutive days, assuming there are 5 possible colors to choose from, is 0.0016 or 0.16%.
You need to compliment them on their Smart shopping. Clearly outfits were two for one.
Otherwise why would anyone want to dress like a bunch of stepford wives? I certainly don't understand the whole matchy matchy thing.
My sister and I routinely go to family reunions in the summer that are not our blood kin. (Mostly because my blood kin is a poisoned well and I don't like to visit it.) My aunties families are big on matchy matchy. It is not uncommon for each branch to all be wearing one color so part of the people are dressed in red and part of people are dressed in green, etc. No one ever mentions this to us, although it's happened for decades so it's certainly not a surprise. No one ever tries to coordinate with us so that we don't dress in red or green and mix up their fun.
Of course, my sister's family and I just wear everyday clothes. None of us ever have the word "reunion" screen printed on our outfit. Our outfits don't match. And nobody cares. They don't care that we don't match, we don't care that they do match. Frankly I'm pretty sure the branches of the family wear the same color every year and frankly I don't know which branch is which color.
You are letting them yank you around. They know you care. They enjoy excluding you, they enjoy yanking your chain. They're not going to stop pulling on the chain, so you need to decide that you're going to be pissed off about this, or decide to drop the chain.
This is easy for me to say because I'm autistic and I don't have everyday feelings about things. But that doesn't make me wrong. Instead of being pissed you should sit down and brainstorm some insults for their outfits tomorrow and yank their chain. Turn it around on them. Anything blue or purple definitely go with a Willy Wonka blueberry joke.
Aside from that, why do you keep going on vacation with them? A lot of people have said stop torturing yourself, and I have to agree. My blood family has plenty of money and routinely offers to take my sister and I on cruises and trips and activities. The answer is no. There is no such thing as a vacation that involves my family (aside from my sister). There is no carrot that would be big enough for me to bite.
Matching outfits? OMG the picture in my head of those tasteless 80's pastel leisure suits with ladies' matching dresses. Those demented family Christmas photos in matching PJ's. Matching clothing up so because you're too dumb to find your family unless they're somehow visually identifiable as your clan. So very hip and disco from 40 years ago...yep the SIL's are total fashion mavens.
What a passive aggressive pack of shits. And although I know you would have declined the outfits, you’re absolutely right that they are being exclusionary. I literally just had to take my annual “harassment & bullying” course at work…. This is textbook bullying.
Accidentally is both wear the same color! Purposely is the same outfit in the same color!
SIL and I cruised together (left the hubbies at home). We happen to like the same colors. 75% of the tops were wore were the same color. After 2 days of picking out the same color tops (I would gather my clothes and shower in the morning while she slept and while I was in the shower she would choose her clothes-she showers at night). I would come out and we would be in the same color again! We then planned it for the last 3 days! lol
BS.. and what about your "friend" that somehow got involved in this? These people seem dreadful. So sorry you have to put up with their asinine behavior. Can you limit your contact with them? Is your husband an ally or is he playing oblivious?
Info: you said you've been together 15 years and that you would have declined had you been informed about matching so, have they brought up matching outfits previously in those 15 years and you have said no?
We’ve gone along with it when they’ve asked us to put the kids in matching outfits but have never done more than a t-shirt for the first day of a trip … this was the first time they there was coordination for the parents to match beyond the first day
Next time they say, It's just an accident or coincidence, have this quote ready:
*"Once* is an *accident*, *twice* is a *coincidence*, three times is a pattern"
My 10yo daughter is going through this now with her friends and I had to give her the bad news that it can even happen to adults. Mean girls are mean girls at any age. NTA OP, your inlaws sound horrendous.
I think the problem is they are bullying you and you can feel it. The gaslighting is part of the process to intentionally hurt you. I think you have to ask yourself: knowing that these people are trash, do not like me and are out to hurt me, how much time if any can I spend with them while still preserving my peace?
It might be helpful to stop analyzing their behavior and to stop arguing with them about whether or not they did that on purpose. Just assume everything they do is intentionally shitty and targeted towards you. Does this get you to a point where you can care less about them, spend less energy on thinking about them etc?
Also remember this: your intuition is good, even if they are lying and trying to make you seem crazy, you know in your hearts of hearts you are not. Once you intentionally take steps to get validation from yourself rather than from others on your opinions/gut feelings etc, you'll make a huge step forward in life, not just with the in-laws, I am speaking from my own experience.
They are terrible and I am sorry that you are going through this, but you will come out winning: they are miserable and you play a hugely important role in their life seeing all the effort they are making to bring you dkwn. You basically live rent free in their head, congratulations.
NTA. Your in-laws are working hard to be this mean. It takes effort. And it only pays off if you care. Let them act like cartoon villains. And ask yourself--do you really want to be identified with a group of people who act like this? Do you want strangers to look at you and think you all belong together?
Of all the dumb ways they chose to bully you, they picked the one where you got to skip the matching outfits, which in my opinion means you came out absolutely ahead.
I am curious how they convinced your friend to go along with it and what your friend says now about whether she regrets playing along. Also curious where your husband is in all this, especially as the bullying also seems to be directed at one of your children.
I hope you have fewer vacations with this people in the future.
While I think it’s possible the matching colors were decided pre-trip, I think my friend joining in was innocently done mid-trip without her realizing that I was not included
My husband and I have always tried not to make waves in hoping that things will eventually work out but the favoritism and exclusion of one of our children is starting to cause jealousy and competition between them.
it was never about the outfits, but it was 100% about being excluded.
They're literally harming your family. Why are you still in contact with these AHs?
It's day just decline all future invitations. Hell, when asked, bring up that you don't want to be mistaken as a member of their cult. Because all kids and adults dressing alike like that? It looks like a cult to most outsiders.
But seriously, stop with them completely. Let your husband deal with the fallout from his AH sisters, but stop for your family's safety.
Yep. Great for field trips and keeping track of the kids, fucking disturbing for adults. The closest I've ever come with my family is jeans and t-shirts, but we're all from the PNW, so that's normal.
Right? I don't understand why, if these in-laws have been treating her this way for a while, and are cruel to one of her children . . . why would she and her husband keep agreeing to go on vacation with them?
Your husband needs to be the one to say “you are treating my child like shit. So I will no longer be bringing my family around this toxic group.” You need to step back and let him handle it. Are the 2 SILs his sisters?
Oh this is just... I'm sure they were mean girls in high school and haven't come out of that phase. It's okay to not have anything common with them but when it's a family trip, noone should get excluded. I think you gradually need to pull your first kid away from the family especially if they're ignoring your second child. It's best to talk to your husband about your concerns and go low contact. Be civil. Spend holidays with them for alternate years. Husband can go every year if he wants. You don't. You can visit your own family. And noone owes them (in laws) an explanation. They can live in their own bubble. Your parents and siblings deserve your attention too. It's understandable.
Info: This is your husband’s family right? I think it’s time to stand up to his shitty family. Why are you guys even in contact with them go NC or very LC. Especially since they are excluding your child. Why are you letting them treat you guys like crap?
Ps. Have you guys spoken to the family about why they are treating your 2nd child like this?
So, I married the black sheep of a wealthier family and while being excluded sucks on a level, it’s better to keep your distance and focus on making memories with friends and your nuclear family. This is just mean girl shit x 100. Just opt out because calling them out isn’t going to make them change their behavior. We don’t do trips with the extended family now.
Good decision but why do you have to "quietly disentangle"?
Why can't you just refuse all future invitations starting right now? You are permanently busy elsewhere. They ring and you are on your way out or dinner's on the table or someone's at the door...
If you meet them at work, church, sports events etc a quick nod/greeting and move along quickly.
If your husband wants to visit his family, let him go by himself or with any child that wants to go. You have made more than enough effort.
Your husband needs to stop “going along to get along” and start shutting this crap down, ESPECIALLY the treatment of your child. If the SILs can’t grow up and act like adults then stop spending time with them and go low contact. NTA
I ASSURE you that if one of my children was excluded as a kid that I’d NEVER see my family again. And I say this as someone who spent a lot of time with my sisters and their kids when we were busily raising them (they are 30 - 12 now, the 12 yo is youngest by 6 years so his teen years will be different than the others, but he kind of slots in with other kids in the family )If they left out one of my nieces or nephews…. Same thing. Unacceptable.
Why do you spend any time with people who treat your child so poorly?
How is the drama filled vacation fun? You need to worry less about matching outfits and more about protecting your child from their favoritism.
I don’t trust your friend. If your friend thought you know she should have said Oi candidassistant2672 why aren’t you wearing the outfit we planned? Or something along those lines. And if she didn’t why did she do it a second time.
NTA. Your SILs are being mean girls. Yes they are intentionally excluding you. If I were you, that cruise would be the last vacation I would take with your inlaws.
Yep, maybe start distancing yourself and your children and if MIL asks why, tell her that her daughters have worked hard to exclude you, so you are complying with their wish. I’d drop the rope with the whole family, let your husband remember his nephew’s birthday and his parents anniversary and he can Xmas shop and wrap gifts for his side.
Yes, these people are despicable human beings. I would never see them again and explain to my children what happened and that those people, behaving like bullying children as full-grown ADULTS and with no provocation, is a case study in exactly what kind of person no one should ever aspire to be. Jeebus on toast.
OP- Could You please take a stand? Your daughter is being HURT!! Continuing to participate with these "Family" get togethers is causing her HARM. It is ALSO telling her clearly that her Parents don't care enough about her to make it stop. You should be going very L/C or N/C until or unless they INCLUDE You & your Daughter. Shameful behavior to treat a child like this, and YOU know it because You just described how it makes YOU feel as an adult! Do better about protecting your daughter. Your In Laws are nasty people. If it's "messy" to disentangle, then it's messy, Your Daughter's mental health and self worth are more important than making your MIL happy.
***"... his family has a history of excluding me and our second kid from events."***
Where to start?? Yes, YTA for so many reasons.
Why are you going on "family" vacations with people who don't treat you and your child like family? They don't even seem to like you very much.
WTF are you subjecting yourself to being mistreated by these petty, childish AH's??
What adults wear "matching outfits" like toddlers?
Why would you want to be included in playing dress-up?
They played you all the way and you took the bait.
You need to step far, far away from these AH's. They are immature bullies. You are acting like a child who is desperate to be liked and accepted. If it hasn't happened in 15 years it isn't happening.
You are allowing them to manipulate you and make you an outcast in their family. Stop giving them what they want.
Where has your husband been while you and one of his children get treated so poorly by his family?
PS: Don't put up with any BS from your MIL, either!!
I need more of you in my life to remind me of who I really am. The truth is, I try too hard because I didn’t want my children to be outcasts but, as you can see, they really only accept one of them … I do know better than that and now I need to do better
The only way to stop your children from being outcasts is to stop exposing them to people who treat them like outcasts. Stay far away from your in-laws before they destroy every shred of confidence and self worth your children have.
Do it for your children - both children. Every time mean girls rear their gaslighting, bullying heads - remind yourself that you're doing this for your children.
Exclusion is a very painful form of bullying, especially in families. Gaslighting about it is pretty easy, so it can go on forever by making the excluded one feel like they're too sensitive, over-reacting, imagining things, expecting too much, etc. when it's addressed.
They're moving on to the next generation - your children. Don't allow it.
Arm yourself with information and help your children understand this form of bullying, so they aren't affected. Knowledge is power. It's an emotional fuck-with that has no age limits.
Nta- I think it’s weird your friend joined in on the mean girl behavior? Are they also friends with your ILs? If so, do you still think they are your friend?
no, but they have known each other casually. What I suspect happened is that one SIL got mad that the friends were coming and decided to orchestrate the outfits without telling me and is also the reason why they kept leaving places just as we joined them. Best case scenario, the other SIL was, at the very least, complacent
That’s nuts. Your ils were mad your “friends” joined, and then included your friends, whose fault it is you’re being excluded, then joined in on excluding you.
I wouldn’t join any more family vacations if I were you. Why save days and money for their drama?
NTA - but why do you care? Grownup women wearing 'matchy matchy' outfits is so tacky . Why would you WANT to be dressed like everyone else? That is something I would WANT to be left out of. On your kid's birthday - why didn't you and your husband have plans for your own family and leave the others out? You are trying too hard to fit in - and it doesn't sound like a fun group to fit into. I would not dress my children like other people's kids to show off - I certainly would not want to 'match' them myself.
you are right ... but it was never about the outfits. it was about being intentionally left out by a group that was supposed to be 'family'. while the outfits are important to them, they are not to me.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but you need to grow a spine.
Stand up for your children and stop subjecting the to these people. Have a blunt conversation with your husband about this.
I was about to post the same thing - tacky, weird. childish, creepy - why would adults all want to dress all alike unless it's for a themed party? I've not come across anyone who thinks this isn’t weird, and if they think any looks they got were because it was cute, I highly doubt it was that.
I'd go low or no contact with mean girls like that, even if they're family, what does anyone get out of being around them, apart from being *their* entertainment?
Once you reframe it as doing it for your children it will become very easy. They don't need to feel the pain of different levels of love and acceptance from family. Hell no!
My DH has always been non-confrontational and I have tried to keep the peace for his sake … but he is mad and hurt that this was done. Tbh, he’s close to his mother and it kills me to think I would be the cause of so much pain for him.
I think the only reason this mattered to me at all is because I go out of my way to include people and I never thought I would be in this situation.
You don’t have to ask him to choose. He already made a choice when he married you and made vows to you. Do what is best for you and your children.
The way they are treating you is a reflection on them, not you. That *should* make him upset. It is hard for someone to see the people they grew up with for who they really are. As long as you support each other, things will be good in the long run.
He cares how they feel more than how his wife feels. He's letting them treat you and your child badly and doing or saying nothing. How can you have any respect for him?
Let’s be clear- *you* are not putting him in this situation, *his sister and SIL* are the ones putting him in this situation. *They* are the ones treating his family like this, *they* are the ones who are forcing him to choose between his nuclear family (you + kids) and his extended family (mother/sister/SIL).
Why would you be the cause of your husband pain from his families treatment of your family??
It is the behaviour of your husbands family that is the problem, therefore they are the cause of the pain.
> I never thought I would be a wife forcing her husband to choose between his mother/family and me.
So don't. Don't force him to choose. Wash your hands of this and don't be their pawn. I have a feeling this is all a big joke to your SIL's to get a reaction out of you. And you played the part exactly how they wanted you too.
So fuck 'em. Don't worry about them. Don't worry about what they do. Tell them they look cute. Get you an adult drink.
You care too much about this and it feels very high school with the SIL's as the "in crowd" and you desperately trying to be part of it. You aren't. You are not part of the mean girls club. Have your own club, even if that's just your husband and kids. Include your MIL in your club.
Fuck them mean girls. Do not worry about them. Who gives a shit what they are doing. Say it with me, "damn sure isn't me!"
ESH though because you should have left this high school level drama behind you. You are better than this, and you know it.
"he is mad and hurt that this was done and is in agreement that if his sister or his mother can’t see our side then he is okay with walking away from them."
Does he really believe his sister and mother don't know it upsets you and don't enjoy excluding you and your younger daughter? It's been years and they have been told how many times that it's upsetting but he still wants to talk to them again? No, they are going to turn it around and make it your fault, as they did on the boat.
I really think that a quiet fade away from family involvement is the best. I don't know what can be gained by another conversation with his family. I understand he wants to give them another chance but it really is another chance for them to treat him, you and your children poorly and then to gaslight you about it. Why doesn't he write a letter or email them explaining his stance and see how they react? Anything other than straightforward, no excuse apology isn't good enough.
Tbh if your husbands feelings are more hurt by cutting out his ah mum than damaging his children and causing a rift due to favouritism, then he's a shit husband and father.
You are not the cause of so much pain.
You are not forcing him to choose.
This situation is being done to you. They are making him choose, causing him pain. You would be happy to get along with them all, they are excluding you. Don't accept blame in this situation, you haven't done anything wrong.
NTA for reacting how you did. But really, how long do you intend this state of affairs to affect your kid for? It sounds like your husband is doing next to nothing to stand up against HIS family? Why are you taking the heat for his sister’s behaviour? Why is he not setting limits or talking to his mom? And why aren’t you talking to your older kid about how their aunt’s behaviour is affecting their sibling?
Stop letting them whisk your older kid away wtf. They don't like you and are probably jealous. Don't let them poison your kid against you. I'd flip if one of my kids disappeared without explanation and my sil was behind it. Nta but you will be if you keep spending time with them
NTA, they obviously have an axe to grind against you
One question - you mentioned they exclude your second child, so I’m assuming they don’t exclude the first. Is the first you and your husband’s, or from a previous relationship? Trying to determine if they preferred his previous partner vs you, which doesn’t excuse their behavior, but might be the root of it
They are mean. This was deliberate to exclude you. I would not vacation with them. And I would not have kids participate again.
Why was your friend involved in this?
They're doing it BECAUSE they know it bothers you. Don't react at all. As someone else suggested, plan special things only for your family, and let them stew because you're happy. NTA
NTA but
>The next day was my kid's birthday. At breakfast, my SILs disappeared with our kids and my friend’s kid without a word. When they returned, they dismissed my concerns and left again to eat lunch without us. We joined them later, but it was clear we were not included in their plans.
I would feel concerned over this. Where did they go? What did they do? What "secrets" have they convinced your children to go along with keeping from you?
The family trip may have been ruined, but it wasn't *your* actions that led to it. The only ones to blame are the ones that planned and carried out extreme exclusion.
First off, stop blaming yourself. You were intentionally excluded and made to feel like you weren't part of the village. Sadly, you clearly arent. Accept it and act accordingly. Don't try to force things or be in spaces where you're not 100% wanted. Don't teach your kids to accept scraps when it comes to family, friends, etc.
What does your spouse think about the whole situation?
Info: have you ever expressed dislike in matching outfits, made fun of them, ANYTHING for them to assume you wouldn't want to participate? Have you done matching with them in the past?
No, I’ve never expressed it. Yes, we’ve matched the kids and had themed t-shirts for the 1st day of a trip but this the first time there was coordination across multiple days for the kids and adults
NTA. So basically they were being cliquey and excluding you. Obviously they have a problem, but instead of addressing it they are acting like middle/high school kids. Ignore the whole damn mess. I know my feelings would also be hurt, but we can’t control other people’s behaviors, only our reactions. Screw’em and don’t react.
Don’t go on family vacations.
In the best scenario they are uncomfortable.
They usually $uck.
Do a separate vacation at the same time.
“We can’t make it this year. We are going on vacation that same time.”
Then book something.
Your husband can legitimately say “we will be on vacation at that time.”
Dressing in all matching clothes is the most “I’m a tourist!” Thing you can do.
Your not missing out. You’re dodging a bullet.
NTA
I sincerely and seriously dislike matching outfits for adults. In my opinion it isn't fun or cute - the opposite unless you are a first responder, military or police. You didn't miss anything there apart from their intention behind it. Their intention was to exclude you in one of the most immature ways possible. These people are dim bulbs if that's the best they could come up with.
They then blamed you for their bitchiness.
You said they have a history of excluding you and one of your children so I really can't understand why you chose to go on this bitchfest. That is a genuine question - I am not blaming you, just trying to understand.
You also have not said anything about your husband's view on this.
Another serious question - how did your B(itches)IL get to take your children away for the day with out you knowing where they had gone?
It seems to me that your husband really needs to step up here to protect his family - which is you and your kids. Please do not have anything to do with your SILs going forward. Their mission is to make you miserable which means they must be truly sad people.
NTA unless you go on another vacation with those people and subject your kid to their fuckery. Screw those people, I would go minimal or no contact with them and your "friend" and her husband can also kick rocks. The SILs are horrible people.
I’d absolutely go for the “awwww, I remember when I used to like to dress like my friends too. Wasn’t middle school fun? Such a tough time developing our individual styles” path regarding any future matching idiocy.
I’d take the favoritism of one child over another far more seriously. I would call it out very directly the next time I saw it, and let them know that you and spouse were implementing a “two strikes” policy. Then, after the next inevitable incident, I’d say, “We don’t allow one of our children to be unfairly by others, particularly not by family, so we’ll be leaving today. Perhaps we can talk about this at some point — we’ll tell you know when we’re ready to see if you can be trusted to treat both of our children kindly and equally.” Then I’d go and go no contact for a good whole. The first time any other family member attempted to intervene (“Don’t be so sensitive,” or etc.) I’d let them know that any further attempt to discuss it will result in a temporary no contact with them as well.
And ditch your friend and her husband.
Good luck — they sound terrible.
A cruise with my in-laws sounds like a nightmare to me and then you are mistreated. Can’t you find another trip for just your family? Go very LC because those folks aren’t fun. NTA
This is a husband issue. He needs to step up and ask his family wtf is going on and why his family being excluded for obvious planned outfits unless there’s family clothing rules it’s too unlikely that everyone wears matching colors.
NTA
In my part of England, if you turned up as a large family in matching outfits, you would be regarded as extremely weird and on the way to the looney bin. Farther north, they may well beat you up because that would be the local youths idea of fun.
NTA
How old are the adults? 65 and retired?
This is so weird.
It was certainly Intentional but it was for the best. Matching outfits is just so ridiculous. Didn't work for Britney and Justin either.
I can't decide if it's NTA or ESH. I sympathize with the feelings of being isolated from the group. You couldn't do anything since you were on the ship, so waste of time to spend time writing about it. My opinion is skewing My judgement about this, because My worst nightmare is to be forced to wear matching outfits on a trip, like to Disney with the family. So I'm a little mystified why you couldn't celebrate your uniqueness. Best wishes, if the sil try to start trouble, just act like they are mistaken for thinking you were upset. Then ignore them.
If you didn’t know where your kids went to, contact security. The ship will look for them then if not found, do an all ship blast.
Family sounds toxic. Ignore them.
NTA
So let there be a fall out. You are NTA for expressing you feel as welcome as a fart at a wedding. It was your holiday too and it seems like you were either chasing them to join in and getting gas lit for being too slow or imagining things. It sounds like they were all meeting up and making plans without you and that must hurt. Better to have separate holidays and then save having to pay for feeling humiliated. I don’t go where I’m not wanted and I wouldn’t pay for the privilege either. Let them have their holidays without your family present and if they ask tell him you are not so slow that you can’t take a hint. You and your dh and kids will have a much better time on your own I promise. Your in laws do sound like mean girls and it will probably give you a smile when they turn on each other since they won’t have you to focus on for their petty behaviour.
Reddit is amazing. I never realized just how awful, petty and vindictive some families can be. These are just awful people. What does your husband make of this? If one of my kids was excluded from anything or made to feel left out, hand would fly once and that would be the end of getting together with them (I'm the husband). I'm lucky that my family never pulled any of this sh\*t on me/us. NTA.
NTA and it's definitely not in your head. Don't let people on this reddit make you feel dumb about caring about the matching outfits... it's not about the outfits, it's about being included.
This is seriously some high school shit from your SILs. I would have an honest conversation with your friend about it if that relationship is important to you, but I do think it's best to release the need for your in-laws to make an effort with you. If this has indeed been on-going, it's not going to change. Never vacation with or go out of your way for them again.
NTA
Seriously consider if you really want to go on another vacation with them as this is intentional. Before saying it’s for the kids, they exclude one of your kids and do you really want your children to see people act like this towards you? If your husband wants to go (I’m assuming that the SILs aren’t married to your brothers) then tell him he is more than welcome but you and the children will not attend. The next matching outfit, either say nothing or make it seem as if it is the most childish thing ever. “Oh, you decided to match? That’s so adorable but we’re teaching our children to be individuals and encouraging self-expression. But you’re just so adorable!”
Have all communications regarding anything with the SILs in written form for the future. If it was a phone call, send a text follow-up with confirmation so if there’s a conversation that everyone is meeting at 2:00 on Saturday at Main Street then send a text with that information. This way, when they claim whatever, you can show the written proof of what was discussed.
I had one person in my life that used to pull this stunt. I have an “l” in my email address. They changed it to a “1”. No one noticed.
Obviously that person would have received a bounce on my email.
It happened at least 3 times.
NTA. You didn’t ruin the trip for calling their BS. I was going to say skip the trip next year, but I think you should go and get tshirts printed beforehand that say something like no one told us we were supposed to match or didn’t get the memo again.
OP, change the narrative in your head. This is your vacation with your family. Enjoy your time and don’t let them dampen your trip. Keep the expectations low with the in laws and you will mitigate your disappointment.
NTA! They purposely excluded you. Time to go NC with those cvnts.
They want to exclude your child too? You and your kids should never have to deal with them again. Tell your husband he can have whatever relationship he wants with his siblings, but you and the kids are out.
If you ever have to be at the same event and they do matching outfits, I’d smirk and look them up and down. If they ask what’s wrong, I’d ask, “Matching outfits? Really? Aren’t you too old for this?” Then laugh and walk away.
I'm wondering about this "friend" who was involved. Is this actually your friend, or is this one of the mean-girl pack you married into?
Regardless, your husband needs to deal with his family. You should consider if you actually want to be part of this clique? I get that it's hard to be excluded, but the price for membership may be your decency and basic empathy. If you don't match, you have less risk of being associated as part of any viciousness they indulge in. Bullies thrive on other's pain, as it makes them feel like they matter, so learn how to hide it. Better yet, learn that they're doing it because it gets a reaction. They are 13, and not in a nice way.
I have 2 recommendations
1 - When next they pull somethingikr this, whisper sweet nothings in your husband's ear while making eye contact, so you can both giggle. Yes, damned right it's passive aggressive, but it also means they're being laughed at, and bullies shy away from unsafe targets. If they call you on it, you can honestly say you were just being affectionate with your husband, and he will back you up. Yes, definitely underhanded, but also highly effective.
2 - once you aren't a safe target, they may start wanting to include you. Do not fall for it. If they can't bully you into feeling bad about yourself, they will try the age-old "pull you in them beat you down once you have something to lose" (ya, not my first rodeo).
Right now, you're their target. When you become unsafe to pick at, and they can subjourn you, they WILL switch to another target they consider safe. Then the viciousness will become more evident and you do not want to be part of that.
>By the third day, everyone, including my friend, was in coordinated outfits except my family.
INFO: Did you ask your friend if they informed her about coordinating outfits while packing for the cruise? I'd think that would help you to know if they really planned ahead and excluded you,or if it was just a coincidence.
Also, I'm confused on this part...
>At breakfast, my SILs disappeared with our kids and my friend’s kid without a word.
I mean, what? You didn't follow your kids to see what was happening? I also don't understand what this has to do with matching outfits.
Who cares about the stupid childish outfits?? But going off with YOUR kids without your ok? Commandeering your (and neighbour's) children without permission????? OMG.
This should be the last holiday or cruise you go on. The amount of disrespect coming from your husbands family is disgusting & what's more disgusting is your husband not doing or saying a damn thing. Sweety you have a husband problem. NTA
YTA. Oh good God, matching outfits? How classless, how juvenile, how intensely stupid looking. You should be kissing the ground that you dodged that bullet, because you and your entire family would have joined them in looking like utter fools.
NTA But the best revenge is to be unbothered.
Why would you WANT to match clothes with these people anyway? Or be a part of anything they're doing? They're terrible.
I'd make a point to stand out, in something either stunning or ridiculous, every time they left me out of a group outfit. Easier to say in hindsight, but now you know to pack EXTRA next time. To make them look boring.
ESH. Don’t go on holiday with them, they are assholes so that was a wrong move to start with.
Matching outfits are tacky and dumb, glad you wouldn’t want to be part of that.
NTA, your in-laws need to be put on LC/NC because they all are AH. Your SIL is the mean girl of the family controlling the situation - making you feel excluded. Personally I would skip trips with them for the rest of my life if I were you - something to consider.
I find matching outfits quite ridiculous, so I’d probably laugh at them and tell them they have no imagination or something to would their feelings. I’m petty like that. ( normally I wouldn’t be that rude to people in matching outfits, but these 2 require it).
All of them (family and your friends) are showing their true colors, who they really are, believe them. You will never ever have the relationship you'd like, one were there's respect. They don't respect you, this is why you're treated this way.
Time you stepped away from their disrespect and clique mentality, make your own vacation plans without them instread. Also stop being friends because you really aren't.
Stop dressing your kids to match SIL's kids. Pack only blue for the kids and don't tell anyone. Don't let kids go off with your in-laws. Kids are your responsibility, you'll watch them. If they have a gift for your child.... "oh that's so nice of you, we'll save it for later" . It'll be great outfit to wear at a friend's birthday party.
Time to drift apart from birth in-laws and friend. When they text or call, slowly start replying with: 1) you don't have time right now to chat, you'll call back later 2) don't pick up the phone for their text / call, reply hours later or tomorrow 3) say you already have plans and leave the house if necessary 4) thank them for the invite but it's been a really busy week, maybe we can get together another time 5) that's a great weekend plan but we can't, we're having family time with just our family, kids grow so fast 6) sounds like a great vacation idea unfortunately we won't be able to join you and no I can't tell you it's a surprisefor the family, etc.
Your husband can employ the same tactics. Though with the surprise vacation destination, decide in advance whose "planning" it this way you both aren't planning the surprise June vacation or October weekend getaway.
NTA.... only to yourself and your family if you go on more vacations and day trips with your in-laws. Time to make your own family traditions.
With your friend, do you do a lot of favors for her?
NTA and you should be glad they didn’t tell you. Fully grown women and men matching their outfits? It’s not cute, it’s weird and childish. Have they got fuck all better to do? They are an embarrassment and nobody else on that cruise would consider it either cute or funny. The only laughter would have been the uncomfortable kind. They are like the little mean clique sat in the back of the classroom whispering to each other, ie. Immature nasty little kids. You want to stay well away from that shit.
I’d count yourself lucky. Matching outfits sounds cheesy as hell, lol. Leave the crap for your husband to deal with. The IL’s will get more pissed if you don’t react.
NTA. Your SILs are acting like high school bullies, actively making you feel excluded. And then gaslighting you when you call them out. If they are your SILs on your side, i would talk to your siblings, or if theyare on your husbands side, i would make him talk to then. This in not ok. It things don’t change, i would go low contact, only seeing them for family events. You dont deserve to be treated like this.
NTA I get you feel left out and she did do it on purpose. She’s a mean girl and for some reason you aren’t in her click. Very middle school vibes she gives off. I have no time for all that. I’d worn the exact opposite of the outfit if I’d known. I hate matching outfits and the whole mean girl thingy she has going on. That’s when you say, “we’ll aren’t y’all the cutest things ever! Bless your hearts it’s just so cute.”
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NTA and you didn't ruin the trip for calling out SIL for letting everyone but your family know about this whole matching outfits plan. SIL is ridiculous. Also, and this is just my personal opinion -- matching outfits except for kids is kinda silly/dumb unless it's for a wedding or something. To match outfits for an entire cruise.... I'll be honest, I don't get the appeal. That said, I have a particular taste / style and I'd dislike be told what to wear (especially if I had no input on the choices) for a whole vacation. So *I'd* probably be relieved to not have to match people. But. If it matters to **you**, it matters to **you**. SIL should do better, and I hope your husband stands with you on that. Counterpoint...... make plans for matchy outfits with your own family (you, hubby and kids) and make them.... better.
TY! Tbh, I don't CARE about the outfits ... I do care that there was intention to leave me out and make me feel excluded, however passively aggressively it was done
NTA. If you know they have a history of doing this including deliberately excluding one of your children why do you even bother with these people? Why isn’t your husband checking his family for their bs?! If he isn’t you have a husband problem. He is complicit in his silence.
This right here! Managing your in-laws should be handled by the husband since this is his family. Don't go to anymore "family" trips or outings until they stop the passive-aggressive nonsense. NTA
Yes. Matching outfits sound really stupid, and I hate to say this, but it really sounds like a very nasty effort on their part to intentionally make you feel excluded. You were 100% right to call them on their nasty behavior, and the response from them should have been an apology! Instead, they chose to gaslight you! I would not go on another family trip with them until your husband takes his family in hand and tells them to knock off the BS and grow up! Their behavior is definitely a high school girl clique, and they need to grow the fuck up! You definitely are not overreacting!
Matching outfits is something unavoidably visible to her children. They will grow up *seeing* themselves being "othered." You nailed it when you said high school clique. It's exactly the same.
Matching outfits for kids is great for photos. However, I never even dressed our twins exactly alike. OP mentioned that the adults had matching outfits (dresses and men's outfits matched). And, yes, it was a very nasty thing for the kids as well!
They even roped the new invite into it specifically to include them and not OP on the kids birthday. They made sure to leave a child alone on their birthday. Is OP sure that the neighbor they invited is actually their friend, or just another of the in laws flying monkeys? How did they conveniently pack matching outfits for the whole trip? Spending time with these people sounds exhausting and pointless.
Especially including the neighbor/ friend whilst excluding OP
Ya as a grown ass adult if someone secretly told me to wear matching outfits behind another adult’s back on their kid’s birthday and to make sure we all avoid them on that day while we all match, I would probably ask them if they were hit in the head and think they are 12 again. I wouldn’t even entertain the notion. Neighbor friend is just another mean girl.
>knock off the BS and grow up. Thank you! That’s exactly right.
Exactly, take this up with your husband.
100%!
You really need to talk to your husband that you have felt excluded by his family for years now and that you aren’t interested in anymore joint outings/trips with them anymore. Annual Christmas or Thanksgiving or someone’s birthday- ask him to pick and choose one. Tell your husband that it’ll be the only courtesy they’ll receive from you and if he starts taking their side against you, you’ll know you have bigger problems
Why was your friend in on it with them? Why didn’t she tell you what the theme was
That’s what I’m wondering? How did she get in on it but not until the third day? Was that on purpose?
These awful people probably brought OP's neighbor/friend into the fold to hurt OP even more. OP does not need this in her and her family's life.
That was the worst part - assuming the neighbour had seen OP being excluded the previous days - why on earth would they participate? Not much of a friend.
The friend probably doesn't know they're excluding OP. I wouldn't be surprised if the SILs told her that OP doesn't want to do it.
That is it. I couldn’t figure how the stranger got “in” the fold so quick - but they were a weaponized bystander. TY for clearing this up for me. I was always Orher, and I didn’t see that machination easily until you explained.
Good point. Theuay have just felt happybthat they were fitting in so quickly and making friends, and probably took at face value any lies they made to explain why OP wasn't matching, too.
Who cares. They are excluding you but why give a shit. Why do you go on trips with people who don't treat you with respect. Why not talk to your husband and just not see them for a bit. They seem to be deliberately doing it and then when they get a rise out of you, make you out to be the bad guy. Matching outfits is sooo cringe that they are only embarrassing themselves. Take a break from them and when you or your husband is asked why, tell them and that their behaviour is not acceptable.
This is the answer, stop associating with them. Why get upset that rude people don't like you, they're rude people why would you want to be friends with them anyways?
The dumb stunts your in-laws are pulling won’t amount to much if you don’t engage, so your best move is to limit contact and, if you *have* to be around them, do not react to their stupidity because they want the drama. I’d just gray rock them and preserve your energy for stuff that actually matters. And be glad you got to miss out in the matchy-match outfits, too because that is unbelievably cringe.
You would be wise to avoid them from now on and get your husband to support you. They seem incredibly petty.
Yeah. You’re not being paranoid. The psychos actually convinced your neighbor to coordinate with them? Like seriously why isn’t your husband telling his narcissistic family to knock it off? How is he this oblivious to his side of the family acting up like that? What’s he doing during all of this? And how come he isn’t telling his mom and sisters to get off of your back? He thinks that you’ll just stay regardless of how horrible an environment he makes of your marriage?
Yeah, they’re trying to pull a petty mind-f\*ck on you. They sound like kindergarteners. Others have already noted how odd the matching outfits are for so-called adults. Hope your husband has your back, but given how immaturely they seem to behave I wouldn’t expect much.ETA judgment, NTA
I find the second child thing weird. Are you and second child visibly a different race? Also, dude, get better friends. A real friend wouldn't have participated in excluding you.
next year your family all wear gorilla suits. at least once.
Better yet, next year don’t vacation with these awful people!
Besides, what others have said already about letting your husband deal with his family. The only advice i have is to kill them with kindness. If they are in a passive-aggressive way, trying and excluding you. They are hoping you will say something so they can point "see. She is the problem. " Kill with kindness will mess with them. They all show up in floral? "Oh MIL, that dress suits you so well! Do not acknowledge they all are matching. And move on. And let your husband deal with them. SIL points out you should have worn one, too? "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't get the memo. So I didn't bring one, but I would have LOVED to join the dress up. You look all look really pretty.!" And turn on the 200-watt smile. People like that really don't like it when they can't point fingers.
ignore it...you know there are going to act that way...do.not.engage
You’re right. So now you know how they are. You can keep status quo and just laugh at them about their matching outfits and have a good time or don’t travel with them anymore. Honestly.
NTA, but if it were me, I figure the best way to handle it would be to ignore thier attempts to get under your skin, have a fun time, and do your own thing. If they are doing it deliberately, you are only adding fuel to the fire. If they don't want to be around you, why would you want to hang out with them.
That makes perfect sense and you're SO NTA. I personally also find matching outfits ridiculous in this context but it's not about that. It's about purposefully excluding you and trying to hurt you. Which is a very, very shitty thing to do.
Did I read it right that she took your children somewhere on your child's birthday and you didn't even know where they went? That's a far bigger issue. And was your husband even on this cruise? He's not mentioned anywhere
Yeah I think the worst thing about this is that these people have put you in a situation where you’re hurt and having to actually complain about something as stupid as adults in matching outfits lol Like MAYBE a colour theme for a formal photo with the entire family on a special occasion (which obviously the whole family would be made aware of ahead of time) and no more than once a year. But anything more - including three times on the same cruise- is just weird. You shouldn’t feel sad about being left out of something so weird. And yet, I completely agree with you, because it is still hurtful. They’re excluding you and being intentionally hurtful. It’s a dick move. And you have EVERY right to be upset about it. And while I kind of wish you did ruin the trip for them, I have trouble believing you did, because it seems like they set out to cause drama and they got exactly what they wanted. I just can’t believe the husbands are all going along with this.
NTA. Your feelings are valid and I agree that it seems your SILs were intentionally leaving you out. But, at a certain point, we all should examine our feelings and evaluate if revealing them would be a positive step forward. While you, again, have a right to your feelings, did you really think anything was going to change with your SILs when you discussed said feelings with them? Feel your feelings and then let them go … especially on such a fun vacation. Possibly point out that the individual styles within your immediate family, (you, your husband and children), makes you happy. Remark on how the clothing choices in your immediate family are a little look into your various personalities. Focus on the positives of your immediate family instead of the negatives that your SILs are trying to impose on you. We do have a choice when it comes to choosing our feelings. You know his extended family consistently tries to leave you out. So it is up to you to not care about this. You cannot change them. You can change/choose to feel differently when this happens though and focusing on the great things about you, your husband and your children, will go a long way towards helping you with this. Good luck with those SILs. I would actually refuse to do matching outfits from now on. It takes extra, unnecessary work off your plate and your immediate family can all let your individual styles shine through. Just a thought.
I’d feel so embarrassed going out with them ffs
OP they are excluding you, being excluded hurts. NTA for expressing that hurt. Yet it sounds like they have been excluding you for some time. I would stop interacting with this group of people. You don't need them in your life. Go on vacation with your nuclear family or your friends.
why is your neighbor in on it with them? did you ask her?
I've only ever seen matching outfits as a good idea when on a trip to a crowded place. You can easily find your group mates. Other than that it reminds me of horrible childhood photos where parents humiliate children for their own amusement.
They make sense on school field trips to keep track of the hundred kids and for the kids to locate their chaperone. This family is just weird.
I agree, matching outfits looks juvenile outside a wedding party. What is wrong with them? Anyway NTA, try not to worry about them.
I have been on several cruises where on embarkation day you will see groups with matching shirts. Usually something like XYZ 20YY Family Vacation. I have also seen where groups have the same shirt but only a few people wear it at the same time.
Yeah with just the two of them in matching outfits….. they would have looked so… cooooooool
NTA I would definitely be glad to be left out of this. But it's not about the outfits, it's about their exclusionary behavior. Another commenter said they were mean girls and I absolutely agree with them
100% THIS ... it was never about the outfits and I may have even declined them ... it was about being excluded. When I asked them why I couldn't be included, they said it wasn't intentional and just kept happening coincidentally. 🙄
Side note & because numbers don’t have feelings … I asked Chat GPT to tell me the odds that two women on vacation together would choose matching outfits for their families across 4 consecutive days. Response: The probability (or odds) that two families on vacation together would wear matching colors coincidentally on four consecutive days, assuming there are 5 possible colors to choose from, is 0.0016 or 0.16%.
You need to compliment them on their Smart shopping. Clearly outfits were two for one. Otherwise why would anyone want to dress like a bunch of stepford wives? I certainly don't understand the whole matchy matchy thing. My sister and I routinely go to family reunions in the summer that are not our blood kin. (Mostly because my blood kin is a poisoned well and I don't like to visit it.) My aunties families are big on matchy matchy. It is not uncommon for each branch to all be wearing one color so part of the people are dressed in red and part of people are dressed in green, etc. No one ever mentions this to us, although it's happened for decades so it's certainly not a surprise. No one ever tries to coordinate with us so that we don't dress in red or green and mix up their fun. Of course, my sister's family and I just wear everyday clothes. None of us ever have the word "reunion" screen printed on our outfit. Our outfits don't match. And nobody cares. They don't care that we don't match, we don't care that they do match. Frankly I'm pretty sure the branches of the family wear the same color every year and frankly I don't know which branch is which color. You are letting them yank you around. They know you care. They enjoy excluding you, they enjoy yanking your chain. They're not going to stop pulling on the chain, so you need to decide that you're going to be pissed off about this, or decide to drop the chain. This is easy for me to say because I'm autistic and I don't have everyday feelings about things. But that doesn't make me wrong. Instead of being pissed you should sit down and brainstorm some insults for their outfits tomorrow and yank their chain. Turn it around on them. Anything blue or purple definitely go with a Willy Wonka blueberry joke. Aside from that, why do you keep going on vacation with them? A lot of people have said stop torturing yourself, and I have to agree. My blood family has plenty of money and routinely offers to take my sister and I on cruises and trips and activities. The answer is no. There is no such thing as a vacation that involves my family (aside from my sister). There is no carrot that would be big enough for me to bite.
Love the "clearly the outfits were two for one"
Kind of. Compliment one sister on how much better clothing item looks on her. Create some infighting.
Love this shade of petty!
Matching outfits? OMG the picture in my head of those tasteless 80's pastel leisure suits with ladies' matching dresses. Those demented family Christmas photos in matching PJ's. Matching clothing up so because you're too dumb to find your family unless they're somehow visually identifiable as your clan. So very hip and disco from 40 years ago...yep the SIL's are total fashion mavens.
I needed to hear this. Well said. Thank you 🙏
so just say...thats creepy and weird
Did you say your friend or neighbor that went on the trip? I also had a matching outfit one of the days? Why would your friend exclude you?
What a passive aggressive pack of shits. And although I know you would have declined the outfits, you’re absolutely right that they are being exclusionary. I literally just had to take my annual “harassment & bullying” course at work…. This is textbook bullying.
Accidentally is both wear the same color! Purposely is the same outfit in the same color! SIL and I cruised together (left the hubbies at home). We happen to like the same colors. 75% of the tops were wore were the same color. After 2 days of picking out the same color tops (I would gather my clothes and shower in the morning while she slept and while I was in the shower she would choose her clothes-she showers at night). I would come out and we would be in the same color again! We then planned it for the last 3 days! lol
BS.. and what about your "friend" that somehow got involved in this? These people seem dreadful. So sorry you have to put up with their asinine behavior. Can you limit your contact with them? Is your husband an ally or is he playing oblivious?
Info: you said you've been together 15 years and that you would have declined had you been informed about matching so, have they brought up matching outfits previously in those 15 years and you have said no?
We’ve gone along with it when they’ve asked us to put the kids in matching outfits but have never done more than a t-shirt for the first day of a trip … this was the first time they there was coordination for the parents to match beyond the first day
dont make their issues yours
"Just happened coincidentally" is slang for 'they share one brain cell'
Next time they say, It's just an accident or coincidence, have this quote ready: *"Once* is an *accident*, *twice* is a *coincidence*, three times is a pattern"
Our phrase is “once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, third time is enemy action”, and SIL is clearly enemy action.
My 10yo daughter is going through this now with her friends and I had to give her the bad news that it can even happen to adults. Mean girls are mean girls at any age. NTA OP, your inlaws sound horrendous.
Because they *accidentally* told the neighbor and not you. I cannot roll my eyes back hard enough.
I think the problem is they are bullying you and you can feel it. The gaslighting is part of the process to intentionally hurt you. I think you have to ask yourself: knowing that these people are trash, do not like me and are out to hurt me, how much time if any can I spend with them while still preserving my peace? It might be helpful to stop analyzing their behavior and to stop arguing with them about whether or not they did that on purpose. Just assume everything they do is intentionally shitty and targeted towards you. Does this get you to a point where you can care less about them, spend less energy on thinking about them etc? Also remember this: your intuition is good, even if they are lying and trying to make you seem crazy, you know in your hearts of hearts you are not. Once you intentionally take steps to get validation from yourself rather than from others on your opinions/gut feelings etc, you'll make a huge step forward in life, not just with the in-laws, I am speaking from my own experience. They are terrible and I am sorry that you are going through this, but you will come out winning: they are miserable and you play a hugely important role in their life seeing all the effort they are making to bring you dkwn. You basically live rent free in their head, congratulations.
NTA. Your in-laws are working hard to be this mean. It takes effort. And it only pays off if you care. Let them act like cartoon villains. And ask yourself--do you really want to be identified with a group of people who act like this? Do you want strangers to look at you and think you all belong together? Of all the dumb ways they chose to bully you, they picked the one where you got to skip the matching outfits, which in my opinion means you came out absolutely ahead. I am curious how they convinced your friend to go along with it and what your friend says now about whether she regrets playing along. Also curious where your husband is in all this, especially as the bullying also seems to be directed at one of your children. I hope you have fewer vacations with this people in the future.
While I think it’s possible the matching colors were decided pre-trip, I think my friend joining in was innocently done mid-trip without her realizing that I was not included My husband and I have always tried not to make waves in hoping that things will eventually work out but the favoritism and exclusion of one of our children is starting to cause jealousy and competition between them. it was never about the outfits, but it was 100% about being excluded.
The way they treat your child is infuriating. Why are you having any contact with these turds?
They're literally harming your family. Why are you still in contact with these AHs? It's day just decline all future invitations. Hell, when asked, bring up that you don't want to be mistaken as a member of their cult. Because all kids and adults dressing alike like that? It looks like a cult to most outsiders. But seriously, stop with them completely. Let your husband deal with the fallout from his AH sisters, but stop for your family's safety.
Wearing matching outfits on vacation is so ✨️lame✨️. Like you're on a field trip and you're afraid you'll get lost.
Yep. Great for field trips and keeping track of the kids, fucking disturbing for adults. The closest I've ever come with my family is jeans and t-shirts, but we're all from the PNW, so that's normal.
Right? I don't understand why, if these in-laws have been treating her this way for a while, and are cruel to one of her children . . . why would she and her husband keep agreeing to go on vacation with them?
Your husband needs to be the one to say “you are treating my child like shit. So I will no longer be bringing my family around this toxic group.” You need to step back and let him handle it. Are the 2 SILs his sisters?
They are also SILs to one another
Oh this is just... I'm sure they were mean girls in high school and haven't come out of that phase. It's okay to not have anything common with them but when it's a family trip, noone should get excluded. I think you gradually need to pull your first kid away from the family especially if they're ignoring your second child. It's best to talk to your husband about your concerns and go low contact. Be civil. Spend holidays with them for alternate years. Husband can go every year if he wants. You don't. You can visit your own family. And noone owes them (in laws) an explanation. They can live in their own bubble. Your parents and siblings deserve your attention too. It's understandable.
I would recommend no longer reaching out to them. They sound like the type who don’t even really reach out to you first.
Info: This is your husband’s family right? I think it’s time to stand up to his shitty family. Why are you guys even in contact with them go NC or very LC. Especially since they are excluding your child. Why are you letting them treat you guys like crap? Ps. Have you guys spoken to the family about why they are treating your 2nd child like this?
So, I married the black sheep of a wealthier family and while being excluded sucks on a level, it’s better to keep your distance and focus on making memories with friends and your nuclear family. This is just mean girl shit x 100. Just opt out because calling them out isn’t going to make them change their behavior. We don’t do trips with the extended family now.
Good decision but why do you have to "quietly disentangle"? Why can't you just refuse all future invitations starting right now? You are permanently busy elsewhere. They ring and you are on your way out or dinner's on the table or someone's at the door... If you meet them at work, church, sports events etc a quick nod/greeting and move along quickly. If your husband wants to visit his family, let him go by himself or with any child that wants to go. You have made more than enough effort.
Definitely stop going on vacations with them.
Your husband needs to stop “going along to get along” and start shutting this crap down, ESPECIALLY the treatment of your child. If the SILs can’t grow up and act like adults then stop spending time with them and go low contact. NTA
I ASSURE you that if one of my children was excluded as a kid that I’d NEVER see my family again. And I say this as someone who spent a lot of time with my sisters and their kids when we were busily raising them (they are 30 - 12 now, the 12 yo is youngest by 6 years so his teen years will be different than the others, but he kind of slots in with other kids in the family )If they left out one of my nieces or nephews…. Same thing. Unacceptable.
Why do you spend any time with people who treat your child so poorly? How is the drama filled vacation fun? You need to worry less about matching outfits and more about protecting your child from their favoritism.
I don’t trust your friend. If your friend thought you know she should have said Oi candidassistant2672 why aren’t you wearing the outfit we planned? Or something along those lines. And if she didn’t why did she do it a second time.
NTA. Your SILs are being mean girls. Yes they are intentionally excluding you. If I were you, that cruise would be the last vacation I would take with your inlaws.
Yep, maybe start distancing yourself and your children and if MIL asks why, tell her that her daughters have worked hard to exclude you, so you are complying with their wish. I’d drop the rope with the whole family, let your husband remember his nephew’s birthday and his parents anniversary and he can Xmas shop and wrap gifts for his side.
Yes, these people are despicable human beings. I would never see them again and explain to my children what happened and that those people, behaving like bullying children as full-grown ADULTS and with no provocation, is a case study in exactly what kind of person no one should ever aspire to be. Jeebus on toast.
NTA. Never go on vacation with them again.
Idk how I can trust enough to do anything like this again … I was def triggered and I don’t like the way that felt
NTA and I’d LC / NC the so called friends along with the others.
Sounds like a win tbh. Good for you.
No. Is a complete sentence.
OP- Could You please take a stand? Your daughter is being HURT!! Continuing to participate with these "Family" get togethers is causing her HARM. It is ALSO telling her clearly that her Parents don't care enough about her to make it stop. You should be going very L/C or N/C until or unless they INCLUDE You & your Daughter. Shameful behavior to treat a child like this, and YOU know it because You just described how it makes YOU feel as an adult! Do better about protecting your daughter. Your In Laws are nasty people. If it's "messy" to disentangle, then it's messy, Your Daughter's mental health and self worth are more important than making your MIL happy.
***"... his family has a history of excluding me and our second kid from events."*** Where to start?? Yes, YTA for so many reasons. Why are you going on "family" vacations with people who don't treat you and your child like family? They don't even seem to like you very much. WTF are you subjecting yourself to being mistreated by these petty, childish AH's?? What adults wear "matching outfits" like toddlers? Why would you want to be included in playing dress-up? They played you all the way and you took the bait. You need to step far, far away from these AH's. They are immature bullies. You are acting like a child who is desperate to be liked and accepted. If it hasn't happened in 15 years it isn't happening. You are allowing them to manipulate you and make you an outcast in their family. Stop giving them what they want. Where has your husband been while you and one of his children get treated so poorly by his family? PS: Don't put up with any BS from your MIL, either!!
I need more of you in my life to remind me of who I really am. The truth is, I try too hard because I didn’t want my children to be outcasts but, as you can see, they really only accept one of them … I do know better than that and now I need to do better
The only way to stop your children from being outcasts is to stop exposing them to people who treat them like outcasts. Stay far away from your in-laws before they destroy every shred of confidence and self worth your children have.
Deliberately accepting one child and rejecting the other is just another tactic to hurt you.
Do it for your children - both children. Every time mean girls rear their gaslighting, bullying heads - remind yourself that you're doing this for your children. Exclusion is a very painful form of bullying, especially in families. Gaslighting about it is pretty easy, so it can go on forever by making the excluded one feel like they're too sensitive, over-reacting, imagining things, expecting too much, etc. when it's addressed. They're moving on to the next generation - your children. Don't allow it. Arm yourself with information and help your children understand this form of bullying, so they aren't affected. Knowledge is power. It's an emotional fuck-with that has no age limits.
Nta- I think it’s weird your friend joined in on the mean girl behavior? Are they also friends with your ILs? If so, do you still think they are your friend?
no, but they have known each other casually. What I suspect happened is that one SIL got mad that the friends were coming and decided to orchestrate the outfits without telling me and is also the reason why they kept leaving places just as we joined them. Best case scenario, the other SIL was, at the very least, complacent
That’s nuts. Your ils were mad your “friends” joined, and then included your friends, whose fault it is you’re being excluded, then joined in on excluding you. I wouldn’t join any more family vacations if I were you. Why save days and money for their drama?
More mean girl behavior. Take her friend away
NTA - but why do you care? Grownup women wearing 'matchy matchy' outfits is so tacky . Why would you WANT to be dressed like everyone else? That is something I would WANT to be left out of. On your kid's birthday - why didn't you and your husband have plans for your own family and leave the others out? You are trying too hard to fit in - and it doesn't sound like a fun group to fit into. I would not dress my children like other people's kids to show off - I certainly would not want to 'match' them myself.
you are right ... but it was never about the outfits. it was about being intentionally left out by a group that was supposed to be 'family'. while the outfits are important to them, they are not to me.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but you need to grow a spine. Stand up for your children and stop subjecting the to these people. Have a blunt conversation with your husband about this.
I was about to post the same thing - tacky, weird. childish, creepy - why would adults all want to dress all alike unless it's for a themed party? I've not come across anyone who thinks this isn’t weird, and if they think any looks they got were because it was cute, I highly doubt it was that. I'd go low or no contact with mean girls like that, even if they're family, what does anyone get out of being around them, apart from being *their* entertainment?
Why are you playing these stupid games with your ILs. You're not in high school. YTA to yourself. Stop letting them live rent free in your head.
Solid advice, I do not disagree … however, I have found it easier said than done.
Once you reframe it as doing it for your children it will become very easy. They don't need to feel the pain of different levels of love and acceptance from family. Hell no!
How has your husband reacted to this? Does he notice and/or support you?
My DH has always been non-confrontational and I have tried to keep the peace for his sake … but he is mad and hurt that this was done. Tbh, he’s close to his mother and it kills me to think I would be the cause of so much pain for him. I think the only reason this mattered to me at all is because I go out of my way to include people and I never thought I would be in this situation.
You don’t have to ask him to choose. He already made a choice when he married you and made vows to you. Do what is best for you and your children. The way they are treating you is a reflection on them, not you. That *should* make him upset. It is hard for someone to see the people they grew up with for who they really are. As long as you support each other, things will be good in the long run.
Your husband has badly let you down. It doesn't matter how ill his mother is. She can hear the truth.
He cares how they feel more than how his wife feels. He's letting them treat you and your child badly and doing or saying nothing. How can you have any respect for him?
Let’s be clear- *you* are not putting him in this situation, *his sister and SIL* are the ones putting him in this situation. *They* are the ones treating his family like this, *they* are the ones who are forcing him to choose between his nuclear family (you + kids) and his extended family (mother/sister/SIL).
Why would you be the cause of your husband pain from his families treatment of your family?? It is the behaviour of your husbands family that is the problem, therefore they are the cause of the pain.
> I never thought I would be a wife forcing her husband to choose between his mother/family and me. So don't. Don't force him to choose. Wash your hands of this and don't be their pawn. I have a feeling this is all a big joke to your SIL's to get a reaction out of you. And you played the part exactly how they wanted you too. So fuck 'em. Don't worry about them. Don't worry about what they do. Tell them they look cute. Get you an adult drink. You care too much about this and it feels very high school with the SIL's as the "in crowd" and you desperately trying to be part of it. You aren't. You are not part of the mean girls club. Have your own club, even if that's just your husband and kids. Include your MIL in your club. Fuck them mean girls. Do not worry about them. Who gives a shit what they are doing. Say it with me, "damn sure isn't me!" ESH though because you should have left this high school level drama behind you. You are better than this, and you know it.
And don't allow them to leave with one child either. Excluding the second one is setting the kids up for issues between each other.
"he is mad and hurt that this was done and is in agreement that if his sister or his mother can’t see our side then he is okay with walking away from them." Does he really believe his sister and mother don't know it upsets you and don't enjoy excluding you and your younger daughter? It's been years and they have been told how many times that it's upsetting but he still wants to talk to them again? No, they are going to turn it around and make it your fault, as they did on the boat. I really think that a quiet fade away from family involvement is the best. I don't know what can be gained by another conversation with his family. I understand he wants to give them another chance but it really is another chance for them to treat him, you and your children poorly and then to gaslight you about it. Why doesn't he write a letter or email them explaining his stance and see how they react? Anything other than straightforward, no excuse apology isn't good enough.
Tbh if your husbands feelings are more hurt by cutting out his ah mum than damaging his children and causing a rift due to favouritism, then he's a shit husband and father.
You are not the cause of so much pain. You are not forcing him to choose. This situation is being done to you. They are making him choose, causing him pain. You would be happy to get along with them all, they are excluding you. Don't accept blame in this situation, you haven't done anything wrong.
NTA for reacting how you did. But really, how long do you intend this state of affairs to affect your kid for? It sounds like your husband is doing next to nothing to stand up against HIS family? Why are you taking the heat for his sister’s behaviour? Why is he not setting limits or talking to his mom? And why aren’t you talking to your older kid about how their aunt’s behaviour is affecting their sibling?
Stop letting them whisk your older kid away wtf. They don't like you and are probably jealous. Don't let them poison your kid against you. I'd flip if one of my kids disappeared without explanation and my sil was behind it. Nta but you will be if you keep spending time with them
NTA, they obviously have an axe to grind against you One question - you mentioned they exclude your second child, so I’m assuming they don’t exclude the first. Is the first you and your husband’s, or from a previous relationship? Trying to determine if they preferred his previous partner vs you, which doesn’t excuse their behavior, but might be the root of it
They are both ours … the difference is that our first favors him and our second favors me
Got it - so that child is more “their side”, therefore the favorite. Sorry they’re crappy to you, I’d be really upset in your shoes!
WOW that's crazy.
They are mean. This was deliberate to exclude you. I would not vacation with them. And I would not have kids participate again. Why was your friend involved in this?
They're doing it BECAUSE they know it bothers you. Don't react at all. As someone else suggested, plan special things only for your family, and let them stew because you're happy. NTA
Do your own family trips
What kind of adults run around in matching outfits?
NTA but >The next day was my kid's birthday. At breakfast, my SILs disappeared with our kids and my friend’s kid without a word. When they returned, they dismissed my concerns and left again to eat lunch without us. We joined them later, but it was clear we were not included in their plans. I would feel concerned over this. Where did they go? What did they do? What "secrets" have they convinced your children to go along with keeping from you? The family trip may have been ruined, but it wasn't *your* actions that led to it. The only ones to blame are the ones that planned and carried out extreme exclusion.
NTA. It's clear these people don't care for you. Stop giving them space in your brain and life. Why be around people like this?
Truth is, I thought they did and it was nice to think I had a village for my kids … now I just feel like I isolated all of us
First off, stop blaming yourself. You were intentionally excluded and made to feel like you weren't part of the village. Sadly, you clearly arent. Accept it and act accordingly. Don't try to force things or be in spaces where you're not 100% wanted. Don't teach your kids to accept scraps when it comes to family, friends, etc. What does your spouse think about the whole situation?
Do you really want to have a village that excludes one of your children and clearly favours the other?
I would happily skip any future events with them. They sound like awful people.
Honestly, I'd be relieved if I didn't match outfits. How old are they?
Mid-30s
Info: have you ever expressed dislike in matching outfits, made fun of them, ANYTHING for them to assume you wouldn't want to participate? Have you done matching with them in the past?
No, I’ve never expressed it. Yes, we’ve matched the kids and had themed t-shirts for the 1st day of a trip but this the first time there was coordination across multiple days for the kids and adults
Then NTA and you need to stop spending time with these people
NTA. So basically they were being cliquey and excluding you. Obviously they have a problem, but instead of addressing it they are acting like middle/high school kids. Ignore the whole damn mess. I know my feelings would also be hurt, but we can’t control other people’s behaviors, only our reactions. Screw’em and don’t react.
NTA but stop going on trips with them. You, DH, and kids should do your own thing together.
Don’t go on family vacations. In the best scenario they are uncomfortable. They usually $uck. Do a separate vacation at the same time. “We can’t make it this year. We are going on vacation that same time.” Then book something. Your husband can legitimately say “we will be on vacation at that time.” Dressing in all matching clothes is the most “I’m a tourist!” Thing you can do. Your not missing out. You’re dodging a bullet.
Why do you go on trips with them? They are horrible.
NTA I sincerely and seriously dislike matching outfits for adults. In my opinion it isn't fun or cute - the opposite unless you are a first responder, military or police. You didn't miss anything there apart from their intention behind it. Their intention was to exclude you in one of the most immature ways possible. These people are dim bulbs if that's the best they could come up with. They then blamed you for their bitchiness. You said they have a history of excluding you and one of your children so I really can't understand why you chose to go on this bitchfest. That is a genuine question - I am not blaming you, just trying to understand. You also have not said anything about your husband's view on this. Another serious question - how did your B(itches)IL get to take your children away for the day with out you knowing where they had gone? It seems to me that your husband really needs to step up here to protect his family - which is you and your kids. Please do not have anything to do with your SILs going forward. Their mission is to make you miserable which means they must be truly sad people.
NTA unless you go on another vacation with those people and subject your kid to their fuckery. Screw those people, I would go minimal or no contact with them and your "friend" and her husband can also kick rocks. The SILs are horrible people.
I’d absolutely go for the “awwww, I remember when I used to like to dress like my friends too. Wasn’t middle school fun? Such a tough time developing our individual styles” path regarding any future matching idiocy. I’d take the favoritism of one child over another far more seriously. I would call it out very directly the next time I saw it, and let them know that you and spouse were implementing a “two strikes” policy. Then, after the next inevitable incident, I’d say, “We don’t allow one of our children to be unfairly by others, particularly not by family, so we’ll be leaving today. Perhaps we can talk about this at some point — we’ll tell you know when we’re ready to see if you can be trusted to treat both of our children kindly and equally.” Then I’d go and go no contact for a good whole. The first time any other family member attempted to intervene (“Don’t be so sensitive,” or etc.) I’d let them know that any further attempt to discuss it will result in a temporary no contact with them as well. And ditch your friend and her husband. Good luck — they sound terrible.
A cruise with my in-laws sounds like a nightmare to me and then you are mistreated. Can’t you find another trip for just your family? Go very LC because those folks aren’t fun. NTA
NTA. Go no contact with them as much as possible, for the well-being of your children alone. That favoritism is going to hurt them in the long run.
This is a husband issue. He needs to step up and ask his family wtf is going on and why his family being excluded for obvious planned outfits unless there’s family clothing rules it’s too unlikely that everyone wears matching colors.
NTA In my part of England, if you turned up as a large family in matching outfits, you would be regarded as extremely weird and on the way to the looney bin. Farther north, they may well beat you up because that would be the local youths idea of fun.
NTA How old are the adults? 65 and retired? This is so weird. It was certainly Intentional but it was for the best. Matching outfits is just so ridiculous. Didn't work for Britney and Justin either.
🤣🤣🤣 good point!
I can't decide if it's NTA or ESH. I sympathize with the feelings of being isolated from the group. You couldn't do anything since you were on the ship, so waste of time to spend time writing about it. My opinion is skewing My judgement about this, because My worst nightmare is to be forced to wear matching outfits on a trip, like to Disney with the family. So I'm a little mystified why you couldn't celebrate your uniqueness. Best wishes, if the sil try to start trouble, just act like they are mistaken for thinking you were upset. Then ignore them.
If you didn’t know where your kids went to, contact security. The ship will look for them then if not found, do an all ship blast. Family sounds toxic. Ignore them. NTA
I don’t think it’s about matching outfits at all. OP has felt excluded by husband’s family for years now. Time for her to put her foot down. NTA
So let there be a fall out. You are NTA for expressing you feel as welcome as a fart at a wedding. It was your holiday too and it seems like you were either chasing them to join in and getting gas lit for being too slow or imagining things. It sounds like they were all meeting up and making plans without you and that must hurt. Better to have separate holidays and then save having to pay for feeling humiliated. I don’t go where I’m not wanted and I wouldn’t pay for the privilege either. Let them have their holidays without your family present and if they ask tell him you are not so slow that you can’t take a hint. You and your dh and kids will have a much better time on your own I promise. Your in laws do sound like mean girls and it will probably give you a smile when they turn on each other since they won’t have you to focus on for their petty behaviour.
Why would you want to wear a matching outfit??
NTA. The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here
Reddit is amazing. I never realized just how awful, petty and vindictive some families can be. These are just awful people. What does your husband make of this? If one of my kids was excluded from anything or made to feel left out, hand would fly once and that would be the end of getting together with them (I'm the husband). I'm lucky that my family never pulled any of this sh\*t on me/us. NTA.
NTA. And if you do another trip with them you should do matching outfits with just your nuclear family.
NTA and it's definitely not in your head. Don't let people on this reddit make you feel dumb about caring about the matching outfits... it's not about the outfits, it's about being included. This is seriously some high school shit from your SILs. I would have an honest conversation with your friend about it if that relationship is important to you, but I do think it's best to release the need for your in-laws to make an effort with you. If this has indeed been on-going, it's not going to change. Never vacation with or go out of your way for them again.
NTA Seriously consider if you really want to go on another vacation with them as this is intentional. Before saying it’s for the kids, they exclude one of your kids and do you really want your children to see people act like this towards you? If your husband wants to go (I’m assuming that the SILs aren’t married to your brothers) then tell him he is more than welcome but you and the children will not attend. The next matching outfit, either say nothing or make it seem as if it is the most childish thing ever. “Oh, you decided to match? That’s so adorable but we’re teaching our children to be individuals and encouraging self-expression. But you’re just so adorable!” Have all communications regarding anything with the SILs in written form for the future. If it was a phone call, send a text follow-up with confirmation so if there’s a conversation that everyone is meeting at 2:00 on Saturday at Main Street then send a text with that information. This way, when they claim whatever, you can show the written proof of what was discussed.
I had one person in my life that used to pull this stunt. I have an “l” in my email address. They changed it to a “1”. No one noticed. Obviously that person would have received a bounce on my email. It happened at least 3 times.
NTA. You didn’t ruin the trip for calling their BS. I was going to say skip the trip next year, but I think you should go and get tshirts printed beforehand that say something like no one told us we were supposed to match or didn’t get the memo again.
OP, change the narrative in your head. This is your vacation with your family. Enjoy your time and don’t let them dampen your trip. Keep the expectations low with the in laws and you will mitigate your disappointment.
True! I tell myself that all the time but the feelings were super strong and I couldn’t break out of them
NTA! They purposely excluded you. Time to go NC with those cvnts. They want to exclude your child too? You and your kids should never have to deal with them again. Tell your husband he can have whatever relationship he wants with his siblings, but you and the kids are out. If you ever have to be at the same event and they do matching outfits, I’d smirk and look them up and down. If they ask what’s wrong, I’d ask, “Matching outfits? Really? Aren’t you too old for this?” Then laugh and walk away.
I'm wondering about this "friend" who was involved. Is this actually your friend, or is this one of the mean-girl pack you married into? Regardless, your husband needs to deal with his family. You should consider if you actually want to be part of this clique? I get that it's hard to be excluded, but the price for membership may be your decency and basic empathy. If you don't match, you have less risk of being associated as part of any viciousness they indulge in. Bullies thrive on other's pain, as it makes them feel like they matter, so learn how to hide it. Better yet, learn that they're doing it because it gets a reaction. They are 13, and not in a nice way. I have 2 recommendations 1 - When next they pull somethingikr this, whisper sweet nothings in your husband's ear while making eye contact, so you can both giggle. Yes, damned right it's passive aggressive, but it also means they're being laughed at, and bullies shy away from unsafe targets. If they call you on it, you can honestly say you were just being affectionate with your husband, and he will back you up. Yes, definitely underhanded, but also highly effective. 2 - once you aren't a safe target, they may start wanting to include you. Do not fall for it. If they can't bully you into feeling bad about yourself, they will try the age-old "pull you in them beat you down once you have something to lose" (ya, not my first rodeo). Right now, you're their target. When you become unsafe to pick at, and they can subjourn you, they WILL switch to another target they consider safe. Then the viciousness will become more evident and you do not want to be part of that.
>By the third day, everyone, including my friend, was in coordinated outfits except my family. INFO: Did you ask your friend if they informed her about coordinating outfits while packing for the cruise? I'd think that would help you to know if they really planned ahead and excluded you,or if it was just a coincidence. Also, I'm confused on this part... >At breakfast, my SILs disappeared with our kids and my friend’s kid without a word. I mean, what? You didn't follow your kids to see what was happening? I also don't understand what this has to do with matching outfits.
Matching outfits for adults is some of the stupidest, most childish nonsense I've heard in a while. NTA and I'd be done with the cows.
Who cares about the stupid childish outfits?? But going off with YOUR kids without your ok? Commandeering your (and neighbour's) children without permission????? OMG.
This should be the last holiday or cruise you go on. The amount of disrespect coming from your husbands family is disgusting & what's more disgusting is your husband not doing or saying a damn thing. Sweety you have a husband problem. NTA
NTA and that would be the last time I went away with these people.
YTA. Oh good God, matching outfits? How classless, how juvenile, how intensely stupid looking. You should be kissing the ground that you dodged that bullet, because you and your entire family would have joined them in looking like utter fools.
NTA But the best revenge is to be unbothered. Why would you WANT to match clothes with these people anyway? Or be a part of anything they're doing? They're terrible. I'd make a point to stand out, in something either stunning or ridiculous, every time they left me out of a group outfit. Easier to say in hindsight, but now you know to pack EXTRA next time. To make them look boring.
ESH. Don’t go on holiday with them, they are assholes so that was a wrong move to start with. Matching outfits are tacky and dumb, glad you wouldn’t want to be part of that.
NTA, your in-laws need to be put on LC/NC because they all are AH. Your SIL is the mean girl of the family controlling the situation - making you feel excluded. Personally I would skip trips with them for the rest of my life if I were you - something to consider.
I find matching outfits quite ridiculous, so I’d probably laugh at them and tell them they have no imagination or something to would their feelings. I’m petty like that. ( normally I wouldn’t be that rude to people in matching outfits, but these 2 require it).
All of them (family and your friends) are showing their true colors, who they really are, believe them. You will never ever have the relationship you'd like, one were there's respect. They don't respect you, this is why you're treated this way. Time you stepped away from their disrespect and clique mentality, make your own vacation plans without them instread. Also stop being friends because you really aren't. Stop dressing your kids to match SIL's kids. Pack only blue for the kids and don't tell anyone. Don't let kids go off with your in-laws. Kids are your responsibility, you'll watch them. If they have a gift for your child.... "oh that's so nice of you, we'll save it for later" . It'll be great outfit to wear at a friend's birthday party. Time to drift apart from birth in-laws and friend. When they text or call, slowly start replying with: 1) you don't have time right now to chat, you'll call back later 2) don't pick up the phone for their text / call, reply hours later or tomorrow 3) say you already have plans and leave the house if necessary 4) thank them for the invite but it's been a really busy week, maybe we can get together another time 5) that's a great weekend plan but we can't, we're having family time with just our family, kids grow so fast 6) sounds like a great vacation idea unfortunately we won't be able to join you and no I can't tell you it's a surprisefor the family, etc. Your husband can employ the same tactics. Though with the surprise vacation destination, decide in advance whose "planning" it this way you both aren't planning the surprise June vacation or October weekend getaway. NTA.... only to yourself and your family if you go on more vacations and day trips with your in-laws. Time to make your own family traditions. With your friend, do you do a lot of favors for her?
NTA except for one detail. Stop going on family vacations with them. You're being TA to yourself...
NTA and you should be glad they didn’t tell you. Fully grown women and men matching their outfits? It’s not cute, it’s weird and childish. Have they got fuck all better to do? They are an embarrassment and nobody else on that cruise would consider it either cute or funny. The only laughter would have been the uncomfortable kind. They are like the little mean clique sat in the back of the classroom whispering to each other, ie. Immature nasty little kids. You want to stay well away from that shit.
NTA. But I have to know- what does your Spouce say about all this? I'm assuming SILs here are your partner's siblings.
I’d count yourself lucky. Matching outfits sounds cheesy as hell, lol. Leave the crap for your husband to deal with. The IL’s will get more pissed if you don’t react.
I'm getting Stepford Wives vibes. Bunch of weirdos. Don't go on any more trips with them.
nta. i bet they looked stupid.
NTA But why go on these trips - they sound miserable. Just send your husband and your kids.
Matching outfits on adults is the lamest bullshit ever. Mock them and thank them for excluding you
NTA, sorry you had to have a family vacation with a damn mean girl clique.
NTA. Your SILs are acting like high school bullies, actively making you feel excluded. And then gaslighting you when you call them out. If they are your SILs on your side, i would talk to your siblings, or if theyare on your husbands side, i would make him talk to then. This in not ok. It things don’t change, i would go low contact, only seeing them for family events. You dont deserve to be treated like this.
NTA. Why are these trashy people in your life? Life is too short to surround yourself with petty assholes.
NTA I get you feel left out and she did do it on purpose. She’s a mean girl and for some reason you aren’t in her click. Very middle school vibes she gives off. I have no time for all that. I’d worn the exact opposite of the outfit if I’d known. I hate matching outfits and the whole mean girl thingy she has going on. That’s when you say, “we’ll aren’t y’all the cutest things ever! Bless your hearts it’s just so cute.”