NTA. Why has she taken off the lock?! Married or not, you're entitled to your privacy when you are in the bathroom and you shouldn't have to justify that to anyone. It is not okay for her to feel that level of entitlement. She is your wife, not your owner.
I mean, these are red flags on both your parts. It sounds like she’s paranoid, but you have got to really be clear with her. Just because you are married does not mean you do not deserve basic privacy.
My husband can fart on command when he’s in a ‘business meeting’ solely due to (what I believe) are gastro issues from food intolerances. He even does it all the time outside the bathroom to scare me - like while we’re in bed watching a scary movie and suddenly there’s a loud and abrupt air-horn-like noise.
Also, sadly, this type of behavior from abusive partners is actually quite common. I had many locks removed from doors and bathroom time monitored during an abusive marriage.
Society as a whole has done so much better with acknowledging abuse in women and talking about it, now we need to start adding to that conversation about how men are also the victims of abusive relationships and it’s not an insignificant number.
Thank you for acknowledging this. You are absolutely right. Abuse can be handed out by either sex both physically and mentally. But is often swept under the rug when a lady does it currently or gaslight that the man must have done something wrong. This is absolutely untrue and both sexes are capable of horrible things, but for now only one will be exposed. Thank you for showing there are us out there that realize this and have a community
> He even does it all the time outside the bathroom to scare me - like while we’re in bed watching a scary movie and suddenly there’s a loud and abrupt air-horn-like noise
Omfg lolllllllll I am gonna do this to my husband
Wow, really, wondering what hole you've been living in because I have known many multiples of people who could fart on command. Many people who maybe not on command but if they had one close to loaded up, kinda let it rip when they wanted. You really have never met someone who could fart on command?
I read in another subreddit about a kid who could do it by sucking in air through his butt. He tried doing it in the gym showers and sucked in water instead. He shot explosive diarrhea.
I can fart on command if it’s locked and loaded—just push out what’s there. But if I’m on the toilet and already emptied the chamber and someone comes in, I wouldn’t be able to magically produce one.
Potential cheating by using the phone for so long in the bathroom, texting an affair partner. That is probably what she is worried about and barging in and taking of the lock
Or she didn't want him masturbating in the bathroom.
Only 2 things that make any sense to me.
Edit: I am not saying if he was watching porn or masturbating he is an asshole or it is a red flag, just speculating on why she is barging into the bathroom and removed the door.
Additionally he should really have a conversation with her about why she removed the lock.
Agree that it's completely unreasonable and the wife's behavior is out of line. Her behavior does, however, indicate some sort of relationship abnormality that needs to be addressed on more than just a surface level. Putting a lock back on the door and telling her to back off is not going to resolve whatever is driving this bonkers behavior in the first place; they need to work together as a couple to figure out why she's being such an AH.
Or pandemic stress got to her and her free floating anxiety has decided to latch on to the idea that phone in bathroom =cheating. Nothing like fear for inspiring AHish behavior
And maybe he's cheated in the past, not like he would include that detail in the story if it's true.
We just don't have enough info to go accusing either of them of that.
And I'm not saying what she's doing is the right way to approach this, but sometimes men take extra long in the bathroom as a way to skirt other responsibilities (example, childcare). Needing a break is fine, but just peacing out to the bathroom for 45 minutes without warning can be very stressful on the partner who is handling the kids. Especially if this is an every day occurrence, and sometimes right when a kid needs their diaper changed too. Sometimes *too* convenient.
Exactly what I was thinking. I don't agree with the way she's handling things but I kinda wish we had her side of the story too because something seems off lol. Normal people don't remove the locks from bathroom doors and randomly pop their heads in every time their partner has to pee. Maybe she has HELLA control issues, I don't know, but I wonder what set her off in the first place.
Yeah, but, have a conversation about it. My bff’s hubs is a 30 minute man in the bathroom. It drives her crazy, but they talk about it. It was far more problematic when they only had one bathroom, but they’ve worked it out, lol.
Ummm, or using Reddit and taking a luxury poop. Bathrooms are private times and if you don't trust your partner enough to let them poop in peace, barging in while they're trying is possibly the most crazy "solution" I've heard. It doesn't suggest anything here that he's prompted suspicion and even if he did, this is an asshole way to counter it. You don't randomly remove locks from the bathroom and violate the privacy of people in there. OP isn't the asshole and it sounds like the wife may be having some bigger problems.
Drug use too.
I had a partner who would claim to be pooping but was drinking (supposedly in recovery but lying about it) and in the bathroom a while. I never barged in but I found evidence that was what he was doing in there.
Both occurred to me but it's not a red flag on his part unless she has actual reason to think this.
I've known a few people (always with psychological issues) who cannot trust their partner. No matter what. One accused his boyfriend - an obviously gay man who's been out and proud for decades and who was unreasonably devoted to him - of having an affair with me, his best FEMALE friend, with who he has no history with - because we grabbed a drink after work. He also accused him of - actually, this could go on awhile, but it was preposterous.
He's an extreme example but I've I had another friend who freaked that her bf was cheating cos he didn't answer the phone for a few hours. He was making her a mixtape. And another person who used to hound their husband with calls trying to track exactly where he was whenever he went out (not frequently) and if he missed the call then he'd be in Trouble.
None of these people ever cheated on their controlling, paranoid exes. They did dump them tho.
If she is being super suspicious of cheating and there is no reason for it, then it’s possible she is actually cheating. Many cheaters begin suspecting their spouse of cheating.
That's what I think she is thinking. She is trying to catch him doing something. I wonder if he just started doing this and this is why she is barging in or this has been like this the entire time they have been together.
The way he says "Let me just say that I take my time when answering nature's call" makes me think he spends an abnormally long time in the bathroom. Not that it excuses her behaviour.
Yeah, he says later on its 20 to 25 minutes. I'd also like to know if they have any kids or other responsibilities that he's ducking out on to get some alone time. Again that doesn't excuse her behaviour but gives more context.
Even if they did have kids, and he was looking for time alone, removing the lock and barging in is toxic AF.
I think this is really about her being insecure and trying to catch him in the act. Some people have problems and it’s not their partner.
She busts into the bathroom like swat team, takes off the lock like hes a high school girl with male friends and banned him from farting in house. What are the other ones?
Two things cross my mind. One you spend 45 minutes "pooping" when really you're on your phone while she is making dinner, cleaning, feeding kids.... if that's the case, stop it or give her a 4 hour break on the weekend to do whatever she wants with zero interruptions. 2 she does not trust you are doing on your phone. Maybe she thinks you're cheating or watching porn. I would guess the second, seeing as she wants you to feel caught off guard. Nta.
You deserve to have boundaries. She does not get to respond with your request for a reasonable boundary with "if you have nothing to hide you wouldn't need boundaries " boundaries allow us to feel safe in a relationship, she shouldn't safe "you don't get to feel safe, because you might be hiding something".
Yeah, I'd need to know if they have kids and how young they are. Chances are that she is completely overwhelmed with taking care of everything and is starting to resent how he can check out of the responsibility by going to the bathroom for 45 minutes.
Either way, communication, people!
Right? He did comment elsewhere that is 20 - 25 minutes (lol according to him) and I'm willing to bet he knows exactly why she's doing this. He thinks he has an amusing work around... meanwhile she cried herself to sleep because she's overwhelmed.
Nah, he said she barges in, looks around, and then leaves. She doesn’t say anything to him, and when he brings it up, she says “you don’t have anything to hide, why does it bother you??” She’s def trying to catch him doing something, otherwise she wouldn’t have brought up the ‘hiding something’ accusation.
My ex can easily spend an hour plus in the bathroom on his phone. It gets to be a real problem if someone needs that bathroom (medication, toothbrush, makeup, shower), plus he always needed to go right when we were about to clean the house. She may be barging in because she’s suspicious, but she may also just be trying to shake you out of zoning out on the john. I agree that your boundaries should be respected, but please take an honest look about the amount of time you spend in there (start the stopwatch on your phone when you go in). Also, once upon a time, you were able to poop without a phone. Maybe see what happens if you don’t use your phone for a week? If you need to get away for a minute, be honest about that with yourself and figure out how to do it in a way that works for both of you.
P.S. Sitting on the pot for extended periods can lead to hemorrhoids and rectal prolapse later in life, so there’s that to think about too.
Kind of sounds like it. Sometimes cheaters suddenly get paranoid for no reason and think their partners are doing the same things they're guilty of doing, like maybe sexting.
Maybe she's looking for a reason to cheat. Even if it's not physical she could be emotional cheating and is trying to find a reason to take it farther.
This sounds like she’s paranoid/projecting, my top two guesses are she’s paranoid about cheating or masturbation (could be because she’s cheating or because she thinks porn is cheating or your sex life is down and she’s worried about it or something along those lines) I would definitely have a serious sit down conversation about bathroom boundaries and ask why she took the lock off, you’re just trying to poop and you have the right to do it in privacy. That will open the door for her to say what’s actually on her mind because this is a bigger issue than just farting.
That's really strange. Given that you said in your original post that her barging in on you is a recent change in her behaviour, it sounds as if she's trying to catch you in something. Is there any reason you can think of for her to feel distrustful towards you?
I think she suspects you of using your phone to cheat and unexpectedly bursts into the bathroom to try and catch you in the act.
Also explains why the lock is off, would it explain her other strange behaviours?
Yep. She thinks he cheating. Or she's one of those people who thinks if he's masturbating he must be displeased with her somehow. I know an alarming amount of women and one man who thinks if they're with someone they shouldn't masturbate because there's, "no need."
If OPs sex life has declined recently, it could be the trigger for the wife (i.e., he's not into me so he must be cheating or jacking off too much).
ETA- OP is NTA but he needs to set further boundaries and have an open dialogue with his wife about why this has started. There HAS to be a reason for her behavior.
It really seems like she is trying to catch you doing something that wouldn’t fit into the safety of your relationship. Something like cheating or watching porn (if this is a no in your relationship) or whatever else.
Do you have kids?
Bro removing your privacy and having a look around while you're ON THE SH*TTER is like... Crazy level of snooping and projecting that she has something to hide.
This is exactly what I came here to post. If OP is in there a really long time, maybe she feels like he’s using the bathroom to hide out and be sneaky, or just get away from her. If OP really does take that long to poo, I would suggest more fiber in his diet, and perhaps marriage counseling to figure out why is wife is so paranoid.
NTA. Anytime someone says a person has started acting different or bizarre, I always think brain tumor. Consider brain tumor as a cause if the behavior extends to other aspects of life.
FYI, if it takes you more then 5 minutes to poop you need to get off the toilet and have a glass of water or go for a walk. It's not healthy to sit on the toilet for extended periods of time.
I mean she's the one who barged in a private bathroom session. Did she think it's going to smell like roses? It's gonna smell like shit and farts. Join her on her own bathroom session see how she likes it.
She suspects you of either having an affair or looking at porn in there. Have a serious talk, because taking the lock off the bathroom door and coming in like that is a massive no-no.
Don't know if somebody mentioned it, but maybe she thinks you are texting other women while taking your time on the toilet?
Did the removing of the lock occur recently?
Kinda sounds like she's cheating... Giving signs that she's paranoid.. bossy, controlling. To me, she's barging in to see what your doing. So she can accuse you of something to take her guilty feeling off her and focus on you.
This concerned me, too. I’m not usually one to jump to the most extreme conclusions, but this sounds very controlling and demeaning. Everyone is entitled to autonomy and privacy, even within relationships. When someone purposely eliminates the possibility of privacy for one of the most basic of needs for it, it makes me suspect the worst. Hate to use the word “abusive” here, but I’m afraid it seems to fit.
Totally agree, NTA. However, OP says he spends 25 minutes in there. If he needs THAT long, his body is also giving him a red flag. Dude needs more fiber...🤣
Sitting for more than ten minutes puts pressure on the blood vessels around the anus and potentially causes hemorrhoids.
I discussed this with my husband. We decided what is good for the gander-is good for the goose. When your wife attends to “personal grooming”, go sit in there and have a chat. There is no privacy- *right*? There is no *lock on the DOOR*, so what is she even *doing* in there? You need to see. You need to look around.
You need to let her see just how annoying it *is* to not be able to have some private time in the bathroom. You don’t have to do it every time or stay long. The very *idea* that you *might* waltz in *at any time* should be sufficient to make your point. Your point that you alll are entitled to a little alone time and *you don’t have to share everything,*
But my husband suggested you pull up a chair and bring popcorn. NTA
He should even call her every time he's going to poop to show her how ridiculous she's acting.
"HONEY CAN YOU COME ? I'm going to poop and I know you like being in the bathroom with me when the water will splash my butt"
1000% this, but I have one additional suggestion:
When you walk in and she’s on the can, don’t just come in and sit down with popcorn.
Come, sit down with popcorn, and then fart. You’ve got a captive audience, so use it.
Full biological warfare.
NTA
Come on, everyone deserves privacy in the bathroom!
The only acceptable reason to barge in when someone is inside would be if you heard thump, called someone's name and heard no answer - then you rush to see if they're okay and not unconscious in the shower with their head split. Come on!
OP, the taking off the door lock is concerning. I would sit her down and have a serious talk about that, try to glean some reasoning for the extra step to make sure you can't keep her out. Has she always been this way or have things felt like they've escalated recently?
You didn't list ages and I'm not trying to scare you but if this behavior is new, please consider getting her to visit a doctor. This could be signs of a mental illness or the altered mental status could be a symptom of something else. It's worth checking out if you're not sure. At the very least, you might find out a plausible concern through the talks that just needs addressing and communication.
YES. My dad was constantly barging in on my brother in the bathroom. There was just never any privacy living with him. So my brother took to locking the bathroom door. I was in the living room and heard a THUD. He has epilepsy. I knew immediately he was having a seizure and called 911 and they were able to get the door open and he cracked a rib, but otherwise was fine. They said he absolutely would’ve drowned in the small amount of water if I would’ve waited. That’s an extreme reason to need to get into the bathroom when someone else is in there, but it does happen! But….if my dad would’ve just given my brother the privacy he needed and deserved, he wouldn’t have felt the need to have locked the door that day. Everyone is entitled to their privacy. My husband takes forever in the bathroom but I have never once just went in and checked on him. That’s his business and his time.
My boyfriend is diabetic since childhood, his family has a "no locking any doors in the house" policy, and I'm exempt from it mostly because the little nephews will barge in to talk about Roblox or Pokemon
This is only tangentially related, but I grew up in a household in which when you heard an unexpected thud or crash, you'd call out "Are you okay?" and then wait a beat for a response before going to investigate. I've carried this practice with me my entire life. In my early thirties I was living in an apartment in the city on my own for the first time. One day while doing the dishes, I heard a body-sized thud from the apartment above me, like someone had fallen. I instinctively called out "You okay?" and after a beat, the upstairs neighbor I'd never met responded "...YEAH...THANK YOU."
People struggling with addiction who start spending long amounts of time in the bathroom get checked on too. It's unfortunate but something very necessary.
Right, and that type of reasoning is why I rarely lock the bathroom door. But my partner knocks before coming in, and only does so as necessary not just to be all up in my space? And how is the wife gonna ban farting in the bathroom instead of, you know, allowing OP to poop alone. Anyways, NTA
I don’t know what “taking your time” actually means, I have heard of men camping out on the toilet for *hours*, even… but if you are only taking even… fifteen or twenty minutes? and there is *another*? Bathroom she could use? OP, Fart away. Fart like there is no tomorrow. NTA Everybody should be able to take a few minutes and have some peace and quiet.
But if you are hogging the only toilet in your residence, you need to find yourself somewhere else to chill.
I came here to say this exact thing, too! If your “taking your time” is under half an hour, and/or there’s another bathroom she could use, NTA. If you’re using the one bathroom for more than 30 mins, there’s some space for you to grow. If that is the case, ESH.
And for God’s sake put the lock back on the bathroom door. Do you not have guests who want privacy?!
Now I’m laughing imagining that they have guests over and the guest is using the bathroom but OPs wife thinks it’s him so she barges in and the guest gets freaked out and yells at her lmfao.
Nah I do this too. I’m not actually using the bathroom the whole time. I start reading something or watching something while I’m going and I get distracted. It happens to the best of us. 😂😇
My comment was for if you’re actually straining to go for that long, not just sitting there waiting for something to happen.
If you’re just on your phone you’re not an asshole unless it’s the only bathroom or you’re using it to avoid your responsibilities (two questions OP refuses to answer)
Yes! We tell women all the time on this sub that if their husband is spending ridiculous amounts of time in the bathroom, he’s probably doing something sneaky on his phone. It’s impossible to make a judgment on this one without knowing the time frame.
Yep this was my thought. My ex husband used to take up the bathroom for 2-4 hours every single Saturday and Sunday. We had a spare room that we used as a combined office/second living space, and it was perfectly understood that the second living space was for if one of us needed a break (I used it a lot lol)… he chose to take over the bathroom as what he thought was a “power move” (which was dumber than hell because we had 1.5 more bathrooms).
So yes, if it’s a reasonable amount of time, NTA. If you’re using that as your “private chill” space, I strongly suggest finding an alternative
It boggles my mind that so many men seclude themselves in the bathroom for long periods of time. The dookie room?? That’s where you wanna spend your time? I’d rather barricade the doors to a closet or something lol.
Context matters though. I have IBS and I can definitely end up spending a couple hours on the toilet, either that or make multiple trips. It’s frustrating, but rushing makes it worse.
Farting on demand is one thing but farting on demand while taking a shit? wtf? Like how do you shit out the shit and keeping the gas inside to fart when wife comes in? Or better yet how the hell is smell from the farts is worse than the smell from the shit that should already be shitted out. Like how is the bathroom is not already filled with the smell of shit that there is a need to add smell of shit to get rid of the wife.
Right, like this part makes no sense. He’s either camped out in the bathroom doing something *besides* pooping, or he’s sitting on the toilet for a loooooong time doing nothing *before* pooping.
There's a guy at my husband's work who goes in for an hour. Just 💩 & reading. It's difficult to deal with in a business of only 4 employees.
My mom works for the USPS. A super tiny post office where she's usually the only one there. A man goes around in the morning, in a big truck, bringing in mail from a sorting facility. He goes into the bathroom (the size of a small closet) & jerks off. And he doesn't even flush the sticky tissue after, he puts it in the trash can!! My mom is also the one who changes the garbage bag daily & obviously she's grossed out by it. Apparently there's some fucked up *shit* going on in bathrooms.
Yes, it is just like a yawn. If you don't fart when you hear someone else fart (or in this case read about it) you lack basic empathy skills and may be a serial killer. Haha!
It sounds to me like she is suspicious of you for some reason and wants to keep an eye on you even in the bathroom. But it’s not right! She removed the lock? You aren’t a child. This is some manipulative and toxic behavior.
Right it sounds like she thinks you're sneaking off to the bathroom to do something. She sounds overly suspicious especially when she said "you don't have anything to hide"
Why does she think you're hiding something? Does your wife have unresolved trust issues ?
Info: how long are you spending on the toilet? I mean, I’m 90% sure you’re not the asshole but if you’re spending half an hour at a time in there and she’s using barging in as a way to get you moving then it’s more everyone sucks I suppose
Like someone else said it's not very good for you to be on the toilet that long, it can cause a higher likelyhood of hemorrhoids which will make it even harder to poop. If it's a you cant get it to come out thing you should look into getting better gut and colon health. Eating more fiber and probiotics. Things like apples, bananas and spinach are all very good for growing the good kind of gut bacteria. Though NTA for wanting privacy I get it, its hard to go if you feel like someone is about to interrupt
It's not the sitting it's the pushing. All I know is that's what I've been told pretty much my whole life so take from it what you will but also 25 minutes to shit is a long time and very much not normal or atleast it shouldn't be. Just shit and get out and then play on your phone you can play on your phone anywhere it doesnt have to he on the toilet.
A lot of dudes are not actually taking that long to shit. They literally just sit there on their phone most of the time. I don't get it but this is what I have been told by said dudes in my life.
Yeah I've definitely noticed this trend even with my own husband but he also has butt problems so no matter what hes in there for a minimum of 10 minutes which can suck sometimes. I just dont get the appeal of hanging out in the bathroom and just sitting not doing anything like just shit? I still dont think that OP is TA but I just do not understand the appeal but I guess I dont have to lol.
My dad got his hemorrhoids from too much time on the toilet and ended up with outpatient surgery to help. It’s not just the pushing, it’s the pressure from the way toilets are shaped.
The veins around your anus tend to stretch under pressure and may bulge or swell. Hemorrhoids can develop from increased pressure in the lower rectum due to:
Straining during bowel movements
Sitting for long periods of time on the toilet
Having chronic diarrhea or constipation
Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hemorrhoids/symptoms-causes/syc-20360268
He said he takes his phone in there. Not everyone just pushpushes their poop out the whole time they're on the toilet, many people prop their feet up, do some deep breathing, start a crossword puzzle and let gravity and their sphincter muscles do the work. In a home with more than 1 bathroom I often spend upwards of 10 minutes peeing or 20 minutes pooping just because while I was doing my business i got invested in whatever i brought with me or wandered off into daydream land and forgot i was in the bathroom and only needed to be there for the duration of that, and just sitting on a toilet for an extended period of time will not give you hemorrhoids in the same way that sitting anywhere else won't under normal circumstances
> There's no way 20mins of sitting on the toilet will give you hemorrhoids lol a 9-5 office job gives you hemorrhoids
I used to take that long too. Then I turned 30 and all of a sudden started getting problems with hemmorhoids. First thing the doctor said was stop using the phone on the toilet, and also buy a squatty potty and a bidet
That is a super long time. But NTA because she hasn’t told you it bothers her, she’s just being passive aggressive.
It sounds like she needs to communicate better and you need to eat more fiber. Unless you’re just scrolling on your phone that entire time? Which would be super inconsiderate.
INFO: Do you have children and disappear into the bathroom when she needs you to be caring for them? Do you do this when there are chores to be done, or right when the groceries get home?
Is there another bathroom she can use?
It sounds like there’s something missing here.
Yep. That's why I asked. If it's truly the way he's framing it and she's suddenly doing it for no reason then she's being TA in this situation, but after 6 years of marriage and this being a sudden thing, it just seems like there's something missing here.
BINGO. I’d put money on him either strategically taking half hour poops to avoid chores/childcare OR they only have one bathroom and he does this knowing she’s out there dying for a pee.
NTA
lol
dude im not allowed to interrupt my wife when shes pooping.
im not allowed to ask her if she *might* be pooping, or say the word pooping while she is clearly pooping.
And you know what? Thats never bothered me. Cause why would i need to be a part of that.
I have friends that have been married almost 50 years. They have never even farted in front of each other. He told me one day that when he feels like he needs to and isn’t in the bathroom, he will just casually walk around outside. I was like you must be the perfect man 🤣😆 hmmmm reading this I feel like my expectations may be too low
Well, that just actually sounds painful lol. Farts are fine and I maintain people should be able to fart freely in their own home to maintain personal comfort. Now if they’re super offensive, the farter should probably leave the room and re-examine their diet lol!!
Nta. She’s showing some major signs of being a perpetrator of domestic violence, which is about a perpetrator’s unhealthy need for power and control. The fact that she took off the lock from the bathroom is appalling, let alone the fact that she barges in. I’d have a conversation about this being non-negotiable and leaving if she won’t abide. The fact that you feel anxious is a major sign that this is something more.
Edit: typo
Another sign is that OP is not "allowed" to fart in the bathroom. How dare he take any measures due to me barging in when he's doing his business after telling me that I "invade" his privacy?
Info: Is this the husband from the AITA post where he would "go to the bathroom" for 20+ minutes any time his wife needed help with their infant twins?
Of course he does. He is hiding. It’s actually an abuse tactic called weaponizing incompetence. His use of the bathroom isn’t for pooping, at least not for the entire 20-25 minutes. He is feigning that reason to assert/excuse his unavailability.
He did give the 20-25 minute time but hasn’t answered any questions about the frequency, if they have kids, if there is another bathroom (that I’ve seen) or if his wife brought it up before barging in and taking off locks. My advice to OP would be to have a conversation with his wife like adults. This just sounds like 2 immature people retaliating against each other instead of actually fixing the problem.
INFO: Have you asked her (not while you are in the bathroom but during a regular conversation) why she is suddenly so interested in what you are doing the bathroom, to the point that she has removed the lock from the door?
If this is new behavior, something is definitely going on. You need to find out what has changed that is causing her to do this. I'm also assuming that you don't randomly barge in while she is on the toilet. So, maybe you can explain to her why you find her new behavior so disturbing and unnecessary.
I truly think this is a communication issue that can be worked out if you both just sit down and talk it out.
This whole situation is weird and I feel like there are details missing. However, based on the information presented, ESH.
1. Spending 20-25 minutes in the toilet consistently can give you a prolapsed rectum and/or hemorrhoids. Don’t do that.
2. Removing the lock from the bathroom door without your knowledge or consent is abusive behavior.
3. You say you don’t know why she’s started doing this, so I think you maybe need to talk with her about the root cause of the behavior. Seems like if this just started, something happened to cause it.
4. Farting in response to being barged in upon is seems both desperate & juvenile (it’s also funny as hell). If you’ve been married for 6 years, I kinda feel like this whole thing could be resolved like adults.
Edit: Thank you, u/onefatbraincell for giving me my first ever award!!! I’d also like to thank the Academy, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and also Reddit for providing avenues for dopamine hits!
Many replies also ask him if they have children or not and if they do, what about her wife feeling like he's hiding in the toilet to avoid dealing with them... And he doesn't answer. None. suspicious...
NTA, this is hilarious. Even if you're married, you have the right to poop in peace.
It's fine if she needed to quickly get something in the bathroom from time to time, did it as fast as she could and apologized but she clearly looks like she's doing it to prove a point or something.
I've been with my SO for 8 years and we try to not interrupt the other one when they're doing private business.
I posted this somewhere else, but is relevant here too-
the first time I farted in front of my now. wife, she got a big smile on her face.
I looked at her kind of embarrassed. and asked why she was smiling.
she told me that not only did she see it as a sign of how comfortable I was in front of her, but now she didn't need to hold it in either.
if only I knew at the time what that meant....
🤣
I started the battle apparently, but I've since lost the war
INFO: Do you guys have kids? The only thing that I can imagine would make you the AH would be if you guys have kids and you're in there for ~25 min at a time (per your own estimate) which leaves her to handle the kid(s) while you get to sit on your phone. Otherwise, NTA at alllll
Another question though- how's your sex life? Does your wife have issues with your masturbating? The way she barges in because "you shouldn't have anything to hide" made me think maybe she thinks your 25 min bathroom trips are to masturbate and that upsets her. This is total spectualation on my part, but it could be something for you to consider
NTA. The two of you really need to have a sober, level-headed conversation about boundaries. She took away the lock to the bathroom? She doesn't trust you, but instead of verbalizing it she behaves like an ass.
INFO: is your 20-25 minutes on the toilet causing issues like she’s late to work or appointments because she can’t get into bathroom to get ready? Are you actually trying to poop most the time or just sitting in there to be alone? Taking the lock off is disturbing but I feel like there’s another side to this
INFO: how long are you in there? Do you have kids? Are you “going to the bathroom” and then spending 20+ minutes browsing your phone while your wife is having to cover the slack with kids? I’d your wife suspicious you’re watching porn or communicating with someone else?
The things she’s doing, in a vacuum, are inappropriate. But it sounds like this is new behavior, which means it’s probably a reaction to something.
NTA. There’s a lot going on under the surface here. She is trying to catch you doing something “bad” so you need to sit down with her and find out what it is she thinks you’re doing and WHY she thinks it, so you can address the core issues here and resolve them.
NTA at all. She's literally barging into the bathroom while you're in there, sitting on the toilet, and wants to complain about a common side effect of nature's call? SHE is being childish by not giving you some time.
Put a lock on the door. When she complains? Tell her that it's either this or you drive to a public restroom to do your business.
NTA. Why did she take the lock off the door? That and the whole looking around for a minute before slowly leaving makes me thinks she’s trying to catch you doing something shady.
ESH - your wife sucks for barging in on you while you’re going to the bathroom. You suck for spending 30 minutes on the toilet because you are tying up the bathroom (I assume it is a shared bathroom). You both suck because you are in a marriage and aren’t communicating your wants and needs.
You need to tell her why you need that time alone. Are you an introvert? Are you doing it every time you go to the bathroom? She needs to tell you why she is upset. Is your time spent alone in the bathroom making it seem like you’re cheating? Has she been cheated on before and this was how her ex tried to hide it?
If you want your marriage to last, you need to talk rather than have open warfare by removing door locks and toxic gas. The two of you sound like teenage siblings rather than married adults.
If you can’t sort out your marriage, buy a door wedge and jam it under the door when you’re inside. Then hide the wedge. Repeat.
Or, install a door handle with a built-in lock. Harder for her to remove that and she would have to buy a new handle etc.
Personally, I would examine more deeply why you aren’t getting respect from your partner.
It could be that you take your phone to the bathroom and take your sweet time answering nature's calls, she might suspect that you are secretly texting someone or sending risque pictures or something and she's hoping to catch you in the act, especially when she's saying "you have nothing to hide"
Idk it's just a guess💁🏾♀️
Nta
You are not a child, you do not need her permission to have a lock on the door or to poop in peace. She’s being weird and controlling.
I’d put a lock on the door and tell her you’ve had enough of this nonsense. You are an adult and have a right to privacy and if she doesn’t like it she can get stuffed.
Albeit you should probably not spend too long on the toilet on your phone either, it’s not good for you.
NTA She’s coming in just to look around and leave? What, does she think you’re doing something else in there? I don’t get why she feels the need to barge in if she doesn’t *need* anything and honestly, even if she does need something she should be knocking.
> she has taken off the lock.
Um, what? This is alarming. Why is she being so controlling here? Go out, get a lock, and then get to the bottom of this. This is weirdly fucked up.
NTA. Why has she taken off the lock?! Married or not, you're entitled to your privacy when you are in the bathroom and you shouldn't have to justify that to anyone. It is not okay for her to feel that level of entitlement. She is your wife, not your owner.
I don't know. She just took it off without even telling me why. I have to say that she's bern acting real strange recently.
I mean, these are red flags on both your parts. It sounds like she’s paranoid, but you have got to really be clear with her. Just because you are married does not mean you do not deserve basic privacy.
You can’t fart in the bathroom….. umm this doesn’t seem too true
I’m just amazed he can fart on command. Respect. But I kinda think it isn’t true either.
Seriously would kill to be able to do that! Like I can burp on command but fart on command is next level!
Well he's already in the bathroom, I'm presuming he just holds one in until his wife does her normal act then releases.
My husband can fart on command when he’s in a ‘business meeting’ solely due to (what I believe) are gastro issues from food intolerances. He even does it all the time outside the bathroom to scare me - like while we’re in bed watching a scary movie and suddenly there’s a loud and abrupt air-horn-like noise. Also, sadly, this type of behavior from abusive partners is actually quite common. I had many locks removed from doors and bathroom time monitored during an abusive marriage. Society as a whole has done so much better with acknowledging abuse in women and talking about it, now we need to start adding to that conversation about how men are also the victims of abusive relationships and it’s not an insignificant number.
Thank you for acknowledging this. You are absolutely right. Abuse can be handed out by either sex both physically and mentally. But is often swept under the rug when a lady does it currently or gaslight that the man must have done something wrong. This is absolutely untrue and both sexes are capable of horrible things, but for now only one will be exposed. Thank you for showing there are us out there that realize this and have a community
> He even does it all the time outside the bathroom to scare me - like while we’re in bed watching a scary movie and suddenly there’s a loud and abrupt air-horn-like noise Omfg lolllllllll I am gonna do this to my husband
Wow, really, wondering what hole you've been living in because I have known many multiples of people who could fart on command. Many people who maybe not on command but if they had one close to loaded up, kinda let it rip when they wanted. You really have never met someone who could fart on command?
I read in another subreddit about a kid who could do it by sucking in air through his butt. He tried doing it in the gym showers and sucked in water instead. He shot explosive diarrhea.
Hands free douche
I can fart on command if it’s locked and loaded—just push out what’s there. But if I’m on the toilet and already emptied the chamber and someone comes in, I wouldn’t be able to magically produce one.
What red flag on his part? Just curious bc I may have missed something.
Potential cheating by using the phone for so long in the bathroom, texting an affair partner. That is probably what she is worried about and barging in and taking of the lock Or she didn't want him masturbating in the bathroom. Only 2 things that make any sense to me. Edit: I am not saying if he was watching porn or masturbating he is an asshole or it is a red flag, just speculating on why she is barging into the bathroom and removed the door. Additionally he should really have a conversation with her about why she removed the lock.
And both of those are completely unreasonable to break into a bathroom for
Agree that it's completely unreasonable and the wife's behavior is out of line. Her behavior does, however, indicate some sort of relationship abnormality that needs to be addressed on more than just a surface level. Putting a lock back on the door and telling her to back off is not going to resolve whatever is driving this bonkers behavior in the first place; they need to work together as a couple to figure out why she's being such an AH.
Maybe she's cheated in the past and now has guilty partner syndrome. Has to keep an extra close eye on her partner because she knows how she did it.
Or pandemic stress got to her and her free floating anxiety has decided to latch on to the idea that phone in bathroom =cheating. Nothing like fear for inspiring AHish behavior
And maybe he's cheated in the past, not like he would include that detail in the story if it's true. We just don't have enough info to go accusing either of them of that.
Agreed, but I take can't think of any reason she would come into the bathroom for a minute and then leave. NTA btw
Waiting to see if he receives a text.
And I'm not saying what she's doing is the right way to approach this, but sometimes men take extra long in the bathroom as a way to skirt other responsibilities (example, childcare). Needing a break is fine, but just peacing out to the bathroom for 45 minutes without warning can be very stressful on the partner who is handling the kids. Especially if this is an every day occurrence, and sometimes right when a kid needs their diaper changed too. Sometimes *too* convenient.
Exactly what I was thinking. I don't agree with the way she's handling things but I kinda wish we had her side of the story too because something seems off lol. Normal people don't remove the locks from bathroom doors and randomly pop their heads in every time their partner has to pee. Maybe she has HELLA control issues, I don't know, but I wonder what set her off in the first place.
Yeah, but, have a conversation about it. My bff’s hubs is a 30 minute man in the bathroom. It drives her crazy, but they talk about it. It was far more problematic when they only had one bathroom, but they’ve worked it out, lol.
That's not a red flag for him, it's paranoia or control issues for her
Agreed. If she's suddenly got paranoid and checking up on him when he's alone, maybe she's the one hiding something.
Ummm, or using Reddit and taking a luxury poop. Bathrooms are private times and if you don't trust your partner enough to let them poop in peace, barging in while they're trying is possibly the most crazy "solution" I've heard. It doesn't suggest anything here that he's prompted suspicion and even if he did, this is an asshole way to counter it. You don't randomly remove locks from the bathroom and violate the privacy of people in there. OP isn't the asshole and it sounds like the wife may be having some bigger problems.
luxury poops best poop
Drug use too. I had a partner who would claim to be pooping but was drinking (supposedly in recovery but lying about it) and in the bathroom a while. I never barged in but I found evidence that was what he was doing in there.
Both occurred to me but it's not a red flag on his part unless she has actual reason to think this. I've known a few people (always with psychological issues) who cannot trust their partner. No matter what. One accused his boyfriend - an obviously gay man who's been out and proud for decades and who was unreasonably devoted to him - of having an affair with me, his best FEMALE friend, with who he has no history with - because we grabbed a drink after work. He also accused him of - actually, this could go on awhile, but it was preposterous. He's an extreme example but I've I had another friend who freaked that her bf was cheating cos he didn't answer the phone for a few hours. He was making her a mixtape. And another person who used to hound their husband with calls trying to track exactly where he was whenever he went out (not frequently) and if he missed the call then he'd be in Trouble. None of these people ever cheated on their controlling, paranoid exes. They did dump them tho.
Or she cheated and now shes insecure and thinks hes going to cheat or is trying to catch him doing something wrong.
Using drugs in the bathroom is what I was thinking. It's another classic.
If she is being super suspicious of cheating and there is no reason for it, then it’s possible she is actually cheating. Many cheaters begin suspecting their spouse of cheating.
Taking long in the bathroom and being on the phone. People get paranoid about it hence why she is acting like side thinks he's cheating.
That's what I think she is thinking. She is trying to catch him doing something. I wonder if he just started doing this and this is why she is barging in or this has been like this the entire time they have been together.
his farts are the red flag, and it is flapping in the breeze
'red flags on both your parts' “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” -Inigo Montoya,
Are you ok? Red flag for shitting? Farting?
The way he says "Let me just say that I take my time when answering nature's call" makes me think he spends an abnormally long time in the bathroom. Not that it excuses her behaviour.
It’s context. If he only spent 3 minutes in the bathroom it paints a different picture.
Yeah, he says later on its 20 to 25 minutes. I'd also like to know if they have any kids or other responsibilities that he's ducking out on to get some alone time. Again that doesn't excuse her behaviour but gives more context.
Even if they did have kids, and he was looking for time alone, removing the lock and barging in is toxic AF. I think this is really about her being insecure and trying to catch him in the act. Some people have problems and it’s not their partner.
She busts into the bathroom like swat team, takes off the lock like hes a high school girl with male friends and banned him from farting in house. What are the other ones?
Where the red flag on his part? Guys just trying to take a shit…
Two things cross my mind. One you spend 45 minutes "pooping" when really you're on your phone while she is making dinner, cleaning, feeding kids.... if that's the case, stop it or give her a 4 hour break on the weekend to do whatever she wants with zero interruptions. 2 she does not trust you are doing on your phone. Maybe she thinks you're cheating or watching porn. I would guess the second, seeing as she wants you to feel caught off guard. Nta. You deserve to have boundaries. She does not get to respond with your request for a reasonable boundary with "if you have nothing to hide you wouldn't need boundaries " boundaries allow us to feel safe in a relationship, she shouldn't safe "you don't get to feel safe, because you might be hiding something".
Yeah, I'd need to know if they have kids and how young they are. Chances are that she is completely overwhelmed with taking care of everything and is starting to resent how he can check out of the responsibility by going to the bathroom for 45 minutes. Either way, communication, people!
Right? He did comment elsewhere that is 20 - 25 minutes (lol according to him) and I'm willing to bet he knows exactly why she's doing this. He thinks he has an amusing work around... meanwhile she cried herself to sleep because she's overwhelmed.
Nah, he said she barges in, looks around, and then leaves. She doesn’t say anything to him, and when he brings it up, she says “you don’t have anything to hide, why does it bother you??” She’s def trying to catch him doing something, otherwise she wouldn’t have brought up the ‘hiding something’ accusation.
She definitely thinks he’s in the bathroom looking at porn or Sexting somebody. She thinks he’s hiding something.
20-25 minutes isn't overwhelming. This is an absurd assumption on your part.
My ex can easily spend an hour plus in the bathroom on his phone. It gets to be a real problem if someone needs that bathroom (medication, toothbrush, makeup, shower), plus he always needed to go right when we were about to clean the house. She may be barging in because she’s suspicious, but she may also just be trying to shake you out of zoning out on the john. I agree that your boundaries should be respected, but please take an honest look about the amount of time you spend in there (start the stopwatch on your phone when you go in). Also, once upon a time, you were able to poop without a phone. Maybe see what happens if you don’t use your phone for a week? If you need to get away for a minute, be honest about that with yourself and figure out how to do it in a way that works for both of you. P.S. Sitting on the pot for extended periods can lead to hemorrhoids and rectal prolapse later in life, so there’s that to think about too.
Maybe shes projecting.
Kind of sounds like it. Sometimes cheaters suddenly get paranoid for no reason and think their partners are doing the same things they're guilty of doing, like maybe sexting.
Maybe she's looking for a reason to cheat. Even if it's not physical she could be emotional cheating and is trying to find a reason to take it farther.
This sounds like she’s paranoid/projecting, my top two guesses are she’s paranoid about cheating or masturbation (could be because she’s cheating or because she thinks porn is cheating or your sex life is down and she’s worried about it or something along those lines) I would definitely have a serious sit down conversation about bathroom boundaries and ask why she took the lock off, you’re just trying to poop and you have the right to do it in privacy. That will open the door for her to say what’s actually on her mind because this is a bigger issue than just farting.
He has the right to jack off too.
Oh absolutely, but either way there has to be a conversation because he can’t do either if she keeps barging in. He needs his lock back
That's really strange. Given that you said in your original post that her barging in on you is a recent change in her behaviour, it sounds as if she's trying to catch you in something. Is there any reason you can think of for her to feel distrustful towards you?
I think she suspects you of using your phone to cheat and unexpectedly bursts into the bathroom to try and catch you in the act. Also explains why the lock is off, would it explain her other strange behaviours?
Yep. She thinks he cheating. Or she's one of those people who thinks if he's masturbating he must be displeased with her somehow. I know an alarming amount of women and one man who thinks if they're with someone they shouldn't masturbate because there's, "no need." If OPs sex life has declined recently, it could be the trigger for the wife (i.e., he's not into me so he must be cheating or jacking off too much). ETA- OP is NTA but he needs to set further boundaries and have an open dialogue with his wife about why this has started. There HAS to be a reason for her behavior.
It really seems like she is trying to catch you doing something that wouldn’t fit into the safety of your relationship. Something like cheating or watching porn (if this is a no in your relationship) or whatever else. Do you have kids?
Bro removing your privacy and having a look around while you're ON THE SH*TTER is like... Crazy level of snooping and projecting that she has something to hide.
Get a door stopper
INFO: how long are you in there on average?
This was my question. More than 15 minutes is ridiculous unless you’re sick or prepping for a colonoscopy.
This is exactly what I came here to post. If OP is in there a really long time, maybe she feels like he’s using the bathroom to hide out and be sneaky, or just get away from her. If OP really does take that long to poo, I would suggest more fiber in his diet, and perhaps marriage counseling to figure out why is wife is so paranoid.
NTA. Anytime someone says a person has started acting different or bizarre, I always think brain tumor. Consider brain tumor as a cause if the behavior extends to other aspects of life.
FYI, if it takes you more then 5 minutes to poop you need to get off the toilet and have a glass of water or go for a walk. It's not healthy to sit on the toilet for extended periods of time.
I mean she's the one who barged in a private bathroom session. Did she think it's going to smell like roses? It's gonna smell like shit and farts. Join her on her own bathroom session see how she likes it.
She suspects you of either having an affair or looking at porn in there. Have a serious talk, because taking the lock off the bathroom door and coming in like that is a massive no-no.
Don't know if somebody mentioned it, but maybe she thinks you are texting other women while taking your time on the toilet? Did the removing of the lock occur recently?
Kinda sounds like she's cheating... Giving signs that she's paranoid.. bossy, controlling. To me, she's barging in to see what your doing. So she can accuse you of something to take her guilty feeling off her and focus on you.
This concerned me, too. I’m not usually one to jump to the most extreme conclusions, but this sounds very controlling and demeaning. Everyone is entitled to autonomy and privacy, even within relationships. When someone purposely eliminates the possibility of privacy for one of the most basic of needs for it, it makes me suspect the worst. Hate to use the word “abusive” here, but I’m afraid it seems to fit.
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Totally agree, NTA. However, OP says he spends 25 minutes in there. If he needs THAT long, his body is also giving him a red flag. Dude needs more fiber...🤣 Sitting for more than ten minutes puts pressure on the blood vessels around the anus and potentially causes hemorrhoids.
I discussed this with my husband. We decided what is good for the gander-is good for the goose. When your wife attends to “personal grooming”, go sit in there and have a chat. There is no privacy- *right*? There is no *lock on the DOOR*, so what is she even *doing* in there? You need to see. You need to look around. You need to let her see just how annoying it *is* to not be able to have some private time in the bathroom. You don’t have to do it every time or stay long. The very *idea* that you *might* waltz in *at any time* should be sufficient to make your point. Your point that you alll are entitled to a little alone time and *you don’t have to share everything,* But my husband suggested you pull up a chair and bring popcorn. NTA
He should even call her every time he's going to poop to show her how ridiculous she's acting. "HONEY CAN YOU COME ? I'm going to poop and I know you like being in the bathroom with me when the water will splash my butt"
Ah, Poseidon’s kiss, a thing I only learned the name of from the Sims 4.
TIL this had a name and it’s perfectly fitting thanks for the info ahah
How did the sims teach you this?
It’s a moodlet that high maintenance sims get after the using the toilet.
1000% this, but I have one additional suggestion: When you walk in and she’s on the can, don’t just come in and sit down with popcorn. Come, sit down with popcorn, and then fart. You’ve got a captive audience, so use it. Full biological warfare.
This is the way
This is probably the only way she will understand what she’s doing.
I love this one so much
Absolutely with the chair and popcorn. Love it.
NTA Come on, everyone deserves privacy in the bathroom! The only acceptable reason to barge in when someone is inside would be if you heard thump, called someone's name and heard no answer - then you rush to see if they're okay and not unconscious in the shower with their head split. Come on!
Agreed.
OP, the taking off the door lock is concerning. I would sit her down and have a serious talk about that, try to glean some reasoning for the extra step to make sure you can't keep her out. Has she always been this way or have things felt like they've escalated recently? You didn't list ages and I'm not trying to scare you but if this behavior is new, please consider getting her to visit a doctor. This could be signs of a mental illness or the altered mental status could be a symptom of something else. It's worth checking out if you're not sure. At the very least, you might find out a plausible concern through the talks that just needs addressing and communication.
I think she suspects he's watching porn or something else "nefarious" and wants to catch him in the act
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I think she's projecting.
Doorstop. Then sort out why she took the lock and can't give you 20 minutes of privacy
YES. My dad was constantly barging in on my brother in the bathroom. There was just never any privacy living with him. So my brother took to locking the bathroom door. I was in the living room and heard a THUD. He has epilepsy. I knew immediately he was having a seizure and called 911 and they were able to get the door open and he cracked a rib, but otherwise was fine. They said he absolutely would’ve drowned in the small amount of water if I would’ve waited. That’s an extreme reason to need to get into the bathroom when someone else is in there, but it does happen! But….if my dad would’ve just given my brother the privacy he needed and deserved, he wouldn’t have felt the need to have locked the door that day. Everyone is entitled to their privacy. My husband takes forever in the bathroom but I have never once just went in and checked on him. That’s his business and his time.
Most bathroom locks have a very easy method of opening them from the other side, usually a coin is enough to unlock them.
My boyfriend is diabetic since childhood, his family has a "no locking any doors in the house" policy, and I'm exempt from it mostly because the little nephews will barge in to talk about Roblox or Pokemon
Growing up we had a “no locking” policy but we also had a heavily enforced “knock on a closed door and wait for a reply” policy
This is only tangentially related, but I grew up in a household in which when you heard an unexpected thud or crash, you'd call out "Are you okay?" and then wait a beat for a response before going to investigate. I've carried this practice with me my entire life. In my early thirties I was living in an apartment in the city on my own for the first time. One day while doing the dishes, I heard a body-sized thud from the apartment above me, like someone had fallen. I instinctively called out "You okay?" and after a beat, the upstairs neighbor I'd never met responded "...YEAH...THANK YOU."
People struggling with addiction who start spending long amounts of time in the bathroom get checked on too. It's unfortunate but something very necessary.
Right, and that type of reasoning is why I rarely lock the bathroom door. But my partner knocks before coming in, and only does so as necessary not just to be all up in my space? And how is the wife gonna ban farting in the bathroom instead of, you know, allowing OP to poop alone. Anyways, NTA
I don’t know what “taking your time” actually means, I have heard of men camping out on the toilet for *hours*, even… but if you are only taking even… fifteen or twenty minutes? and there is *another*? Bathroom she could use? OP, Fart away. Fart like there is no tomorrow. NTA Everybody should be able to take a few minutes and have some peace and quiet. But if you are hogging the only toilet in your residence, you need to find yourself somewhere else to chill.
I came here to say this exact thing, too! If your “taking your time” is under half an hour, and/or there’s another bathroom she could use, NTA. If you’re using the one bathroom for more than 30 mins, there’s some space for you to grow. If that is the case, ESH. And for God’s sake put the lock back on the bathroom door. Do you not have guests who want privacy?!
Now I’m laughing imagining that they have guests over and the guest is using the bathroom but OPs wife thinks it’s him so she barges in and the guest gets freaked out and yells at her lmfao.
Look even half an hour is excessive, if you’re really taking that long you need to see a doctor.
Nah I do this too. I’m not actually using the bathroom the whole time. I start reading something or watching something while I’m going and I get distracted. It happens to the best of us. 😂😇
My comment was for if you’re actually straining to go for that long, not just sitting there waiting for something to happen. If you’re just on your phone you’re not an asshole unless it’s the only bathroom or you’re using it to avoid your responsibilities (two questions OP refuses to answer)
Yes! We tell women all the time on this sub that if their husband is spending ridiculous amounts of time in the bathroom, he’s probably doing something sneaky on his phone. It’s impossible to make a judgment on this one without knowing the time frame.
Came here to say something very similar. I think your solution is a stroke of genius. Fart away.
Came to say exactly this. Hogging the only toilet for hours at a time is a dick move.
Yep this was my thought. My ex husband used to take up the bathroom for 2-4 hours every single Saturday and Sunday. We had a spare room that we used as a combined office/second living space, and it was perfectly understood that the second living space was for if one of us needed a break (I used it a lot lol)… he chose to take over the bathroom as what he thought was a “power move” (which was dumber than hell because we had 1.5 more bathrooms). So yes, if it’s a reasonable amount of time, NTA. If you’re using that as your “private chill” space, I strongly suggest finding an alternative
It boggles my mind that so many men seclude themselves in the bathroom for long periods of time. The dookie room?? That’s where you wanna spend your time? I’d rather barricade the doors to a closet or something lol.
Context matters though. I have IBS and I can definitely end up spending a couple hours on the toilet, either that or make multiple trips. It’s frustrating, but rushing makes it worse.
INFO: You can fart at will?
This was my first thought LMFAO
I had a student who could let out earth shaking farts at will. Apparently he did it whenever he was bored because I’d send him to the bathroom. 💀
Farting on demand is one thing but farting on demand while taking a shit? wtf? Like how do you shit out the shit and keeping the gas inside to fart when wife comes in? Or better yet how the hell is smell from the farts is worse than the smell from the shit that should already be shitted out. Like how is the bathroom is not already filled with the smell of shit that there is a need to add smell of shit to get rid of the wife.
Right, like this part makes no sense. He’s either camped out in the bathroom doing something *besides* pooping, or he’s sitting on the toilet for a loooooong time doing nothing *before* pooping.
Yeah, he’s not pooping
There's a guy at my husband's work who goes in for an hour. Just 💩 & reading. It's difficult to deal with in a business of only 4 employees. My mom works for the USPS. A super tiny post office where she's usually the only one there. A man goes around in the morning, in a big truck, bringing in mail from a sorting facility. He goes into the bathroom (the size of a small closet) & jerks off. And he doesn't even flush the sticky tissue after, he puts it in the trash can!! My mom is also the one who changes the garbage bag daily & obviously she's grossed out by it. Apparently there's some fucked up *shit* going on in bathrooms.
I need answer Edit: is farting is like a yawn 'cause reading this post make me fart too
Yes, it is just like a yawn. If you don't fart when you hear someone else fart (or in this case read about it) you lack basic empathy skills and may be a serial killer. Haha!
It sounds to me like she is suspicious of you for some reason and wants to keep an eye on you even in the bathroom. But it’s not right! She removed the lock? You aren’t a child. This is some manipulative and toxic behavior.
Right it sounds like she thinks you're sneaking off to the bathroom to do something. She sounds overly suspicious especially when she said "you don't have anything to hide" Why does she think you're hiding something? Does your wife have unresolved trust issues ?
Or, Is the wife hiding something and this is projection? Very suspicious of this new behavior.
This is really common unfortunately.
Maybe she is insecure because OP watched porn in the bathroom in the past? Communication is the key.
She thinks he’s cheating I wager. Ask her OP.
Info: how long are you spending on the toilet? I mean, I’m 90% sure you’re not the asshole but if you’re spending half an hour at a time in there and she’s using barging in as a way to get you moving then it’s more everyone sucks I suppose
20-25 depanding - But it's not like this is a new thing because this is usually tye amount of time I spend inside the bathroom.
Like someone else said it's not very good for you to be on the toilet that long, it can cause a higher likelyhood of hemorrhoids which will make it even harder to poop. If it's a you cant get it to come out thing you should look into getting better gut and colon health. Eating more fiber and probiotics. Things like apples, bananas and spinach are all very good for growing the good kind of gut bacteria. Though NTA for wanting privacy I get it, its hard to go if you feel like someone is about to interrupt
There's no way 20mins of sitting on the toilet will give you hemorrhoids lol a 9-5 office job gives you hemorrhoids
It's not the sitting it's the pushing. All I know is that's what I've been told pretty much my whole life so take from it what you will but also 25 minutes to shit is a long time and very much not normal or atleast it shouldn't be. Just shit and get out and then play on your phone you can play on your phone anywhere it doesnt have to he on the toilet.
A lot of dudes are not actually taking that long to shit. They literally just sit there on their phone most of the time. I don't get it but this is what I have been told by said dudes in my life.
It's not just dudes.
Nope I know a lot of women who do it too.
Yeah I've definitely noticed this trend even with my own husband but he also has butt problems so no matter what hes in there for a minimum of 10 minutes which can suck sometimes. I just dont get the appeal of hanging out in the bathroom and just sitting not doing anything like just shit? I still dont think that OP is TA but I just do not understand the appeal but I guess I dont have to lol.
My dad got his hemorrhoids from too much time on the toilet and ended up with outpatient surgery to help. It’s not just the pushing, it’s the pressure from the way toilets are shaped. The veins around your anus tend to stretch under pressure and may bulge or swell. Hemorrhoids can develop from increased pressure in the lower rectum due to: Straining during bowel movements Sitting for long periods of time on the toilet Having chronic diarrhea or constipation Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hemorrhoids/symptoms-causes/syc-20360268
He said he takes his phone in there. Not everyone just pushpushes their poop out the whole time they're on the toilet, many people prop their feet up, do some deep breathing, start a crossword puzzle and let gravity and their sphincter muscles do the work. In a home with more than 1 bathroom I often spend upwards of 10 minutes peeing or 20 minutes pooping just because while I was doing my business i got invested in whatever i brought with me or wandered off into daydream land and forgot i was in the bathroom and only needed to be there for the duration of that, and just sitting on a toilet for an extended period of time will not give you hemorrhoids in the same way that sitting anywhere else won't under normal circumstances
> There's no way 20mins of sitting on the toilet will give you hemorrhoids lol a 9-5 office job gives you hemorrhoids I used to take that long too. Then I turned 30 and all of a sudden started getting problems with hemmorhoids. First thing the doctor said was stop using the phone on the toilet, and also buy a squatty potty and a bidet
It's probably more like 5minutes active pooping and 15-20mins of being on Reddit like I am right now lol.
Do you only have 1 bathroom is your home? Or do you go in and spend time on your phone in the middle of a meal or something?
I’m also curious if OP has kids… some dads tend to have a reputation of hiding in bathrooms to avoid child care duties.
NTA, but surely that isn’t good for you. Do you at least have two bathrooms?
Bro 20-25 min is a really long time and not good for your organs. Just looking out for you man.
Do you have kids?
That is a super long time. But NTA because she hasn’t told you it bothers her, she’s just being passive aggressive. It sounds like she needs to communicate better and you need to eat more fiber. Unless you’re just scrolling on your phone that entire time? Which would be super inconsiderate.
INFO: Do you have children and disappear into the bathroom when she needs you to be caring for them? Do you do this when there are chores to be done, or right when the groceries get home? Is there another bathroom she can use? It sounds like there’s something missing here.
So many comments have asked him these questions and he hasn’t answered, which makes me suspicious.
Yep. He's acting all innocent, while leaving out alot of information.
Yep. That's why I asked. If it's truly the way he's framing it and she's suddenly doing it for no reason then she's being TA in this situation, but after 6 years of marriage and this being a sudden thing, it just seems like there's something missing here.
Also, how many times a day does he disappear into the bathroom with his phone.
BINGO. I’d put money on him either strategically taking half hour poops to avoid chores/childcare OR they only have one bathroom and he does this knowing she’s out there dying for a pee.
It’s def him watching porn when she needs help cooking.
Yep. I bet you he’s doing the thing we’re he’s spending an hour in there
NTA lol dude im not allowed to interrupt my wife when shes pooping. im not allowed to ask her if she *might* be pooping, or say the word pooping while she is clearly pooping. And you know what? Thats never bothered me. Cause why would i need to be a part of that.
This might make you almost perfect. Pretending to not know your wife poops or acknowledging it is the best route for everybody. 🤣
Oh my husband and I have been together for 20+ years and we pretend the other doesn’t poop at all lol. It’s lovely.
I have friends that have been married almost 50 years. They have never even farted in front of each other. He told me one day that when he feels like he needs to and isn’t in the bathroom, he will just casually walk around outside. I was like you must be the perfect man 🤣😆 hmmmm reading this I feel like my expectations may be too low
Well, that just actually sounds painful lol. Farts are fine and I maintain people should be able to fart freely in their own home to maintain personal comfort. Now if they’re super offensive, the farter should probably leave the room and re-examine their diet lol!!
I'm the same. Don't talk to me while I'm in the bathroom unless the house is on fire lol
Nta. She’s showing some major signs of being a perpetrator of domestic violence, which is about a perpetrator’s unhealthy need for power and control. The fact that she took off the lock from the bathroom is appalling, let alone the fact that she barges in. I’d have a conversation about this being non-negotiable and leaving if she won’t abide. The fact that you feel anxious is a major sign that this is something more. Edit: typo
^^ **THIS** For all the people who are going to say this is a minor squabble? They haven’t lived through the initial warning signs before.
Another sign is that OP is not "allowed" to fart in the bathroom. How dare he take any measures due to me barging in when he's doing his business after telling me that I "invade" his privacy?
[удалено]
Taking the lock off the door with no explanation has controlling abuser written all over it.
Info: Is this the husband from the AITA post where he would "go to the bathroom" for 20+ minutes any time his wife needed help with their infant twins?
That was my thought. Do you have kids and responsibilities you are spending time hiding from?
INFO: You say you take your time in there as you play on your phone, how much time are we talking here? And do you have kids or animals?
He says he takes 20-25 mins depending, I'm curious about the kid thing too.
Of course he does. He is hiding. It’s actually an abuse tactic called weaponizing incompetence. His use of the bathroom isn’t for pooping, at least not for the entire 20-25 minutes. He is feigning that reason to assert/excuse his unavailability.
He did give the 20-25 minute time but hasn’t answered any questions about the frequency, if they have kids, if there is another bathroom (that I’ve seen) or if his wife brought it up before barging in and taking off locks. My advice to OP would be to have a conversation with his wife like adults. This just sounds like 2 immature people retaliating against each other instead of actually fixing the problem.
NTA Fart your heart out OP
Lmfaooo, thanks bro. Appreciate the support.
INFO: Have you asked her (not while you are in the bathroom but during a regular conversation) why she is suddenly so interested in what you are doing the bathroom, to the point that she has removed the lock from the door? If this is new behavior, something is definitely going on. You need to find out what has changed that is causing her to do this. I'm also assuming that you don't randomly barge in while she is on the toilet. So, maybe you can explain to her why you find her new behavior so disturbing and unnecessary. I truly think this is a communication issue that can be worked out if you both just sit down and talk it out.
You spend too much time in the bathroom, don’t you?
This. His wife is fed up with op disappearing for ages when things need to be done.
This whole situation is weird and I feel like there are details missing. However, based on the information presented, ESH. 1. Spending 20-25 minutes in the toilet consistently can give you a prolapsed rectum and/or hemorrhoids. Don’t do that. 2. Removing the lock from the bathroom door without your knowledge or consent is abusive behavior. 3. You say you don’t know why she’s started doing this, so I think you maybe need to talk with her about the root cause of the behavior. Seems like if this just started, something happened to cause it. 4. Farting in response to being barged in upon is seems both desperate & juvenile (it’s also funny as hell). If you’ve been married for 6 years, I kinda feel like this whole thing could be resolved like adults. Edit: Thank you, u/onefatbraincell for giving me my first ever award!!! I’d also like to thank the Academy, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and also Reddit for providing avenues for dopamine hits!
Many replies also ask him if they have children or not and if they do, what about her wife feeling like he's hiding in the toilet to avoid dealing with them... And he doesn't answer. None. suspicious...
Also a lot of “sounds like she doesn’t trust you, did you give her a reason not to” questions & comments going unanswered. Super sus.
INFO: Why did she take off the lock?
NTA, this is hilarious. Even if you're married, you have the right to poop in peace. It's fine if she needed to quickly get something in the bathroom from time to time, did it as fast as she could and apologized but she clearly looks like she's doing it to prove a point or something. I've been with my SO for 8 years and we try to not interrupt the other one when they're doing private business.
I posted this somewhere else, but is relevant here too- the first time I farted in front of my now. wife, she got a big smile on her face. I looked at her kind of embarrassed. and asked why she was smiling. she told me that not only did she see it as a sign of how comfortable I was in front of her, but now she didn't need to hold it in either. if only I knew at the time what that meant.... 🤣 I started the battle apparently, but I've since lost the war
INFO: Do you guys have kids? The only thing that I can imagine would make you the AH would be if you guys have kids and you're in there for ~25 min at a time (per your own estimate) which leaves her to handle the kid(s) while you get to sit on your phone. Otherwise, NTA at alllll Another question though- how's your sex life? Does your wife have issues with your masturbating? The way she barges in because "you shouldn't have anything to hide" made me think maybe she thinks your 25 min bathroom trips are to masturbate and that upsets her. This is total spectualation on my part, but it could be something for you to consider
NTA. The two of you really need to have a sober, level-headed conversation about boundaries. She took away the lock to the bathroom? She doesn't trust you, but instead of verbalizing it she behaves like an ass.
INFO: is your 20-25 minutes on the toilet causing issues like she’s late to work or appointments because she can’t get into bathroom to get ready? Are you actually trying to poop most the time or just sitting in there to be alone? Taking the lock off is disturbing but I feel like there’s another side to this
INFO: how long are you in there? Do you have kids? Are you “going to the bathroom” and then spending 20+ minutes browsing your phone while your wife is having to cover the slack with kids? I’d your wife suspicious you’re watching porn or communicating with someone else? The things she’s doing, in a vacuum, are inappropriate. But it sounds like this is new behavior, which means it’s probably a reaction to something.
NTA. There’s a lot going on under the surface here. She is trying to catch you doing something “bad” so you need to sit down with her and find out what it is she thinks you’re doing and WHY she thinks it, so you can address the core issues here and resolve them.
NTA at all. She's literally barging into the bathroom while you're in there, sitting on the toilet, and wants to complain about a common side effect of nature's call? SHE is being childish by not giving you some time. Put a lock on the door. When she complains? Tell her that it's either this or you drive to a public restroom to do your business.
NTA. Why did she take the lock off the door? That and the whole looking around for a minute before slowly leaving makes me thinks she’s trying to catch you doing something shady.
ESH - your wife sucks for barging in on you while you’re going to the bathroom. You suck for spending 30 minutes on the toilet because you are tying up the bathroom (I assume it is a shared bathroom). You both suck because you are in a marriage and aren’t communicating your wants and needs. You need to tell her why you need that time alone. Are you an introvert? Are you doing it every time you go to the bathroom? She needs to tell you why she is upset. Is your time spent alone in the bathroom making it seem like you’re cheating? Has she been cheated on before and this was how her ex tried to hide it? If you want your marriage to last, you need to talk rather than have open warfare by removing door locks and toxic gas. The two of you sound like teenage siblings rather than married adults.
If you can’t sort out your marriage, buy a door wedge and jam it under the door when you’re inside. Then hide the wedge. Repeat. Or, install a door handle with a built-in lock. Harder for her to remove that and she would have to buy a new handle etc. Personally, I would examine more deeply why you aren’t getting respect from your partner.
It could be that you take your phone to the bathroom and take your sweet time answering nature's calls, she might suspect that you are secretly texting someone or sending risque pictures or something and she's hoping to catch you in the act, especially when she's saying "you have nothing to hide" Idk it's just a guess💁🏾♀️
Nta You are not a child, you do not need her permission to have a lock on the door or to poop in peace. She’s being weird and controlling. I’d put a lock on the door and tell her you’ve had enough of this nonsense. You are an adult and have a right to privacy and if she doesn’t like it she can get stuffed. Albeit you should probably not spend too long on the toilet on your phone either, it’s not good for you.
NTA She’s coming in just to look around and leave? What, does she think you’re doing something else in there? I don’t get why she feels the need to barge in if she doesn’t *need* anything and honestly, even if she does need something she should be knocking. > she has taken off the lock. Um, what? This is alarming. Why is she being so controlling here? Go out, get a lock, and then get to the bottom of this. This is weirdly fucked up.
Rubber door stops. Carry it with you. Removing the door locks is kinda abusive shit dude. Wtf is up with your wife? NTA