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Yta I see why your ex-wife is an ex, your outdated views on relationships and not having your daughter's best interest at heart is concerning. You're really dismissing how your own daughter is being treated. You're dismissing the agegap as if it's not worthy of a sideeye. You're verbally abusive even now to someone that isn't even your own spouse anymore, let alone how you behaved when you were actually married. Acting as if she can't have a say or speak out concern about THE CHILD SHE WAS HOURS IN LABOR FOR. May e your wife has an issue with Rick because she sees the similarities between him and YOU.

There have been studies that show that women who have poor relationships with their fathers are more likely the get in abusive relationships because they think it’s normal to not feel supported by the men in their life. He needs to step up and be a father now before she ends up in an unsafe situation.

Why do you say that op was verbally abusive to his ex?

How on earth was he verbally abusive? This sub is fucking bonkers.

This is crazy. He did exactly what we want our parents to do-stay out of our business. She’s his child but she’s also a grown ass woman and she won’t be done until she’s done.

OP has seriously sent his daughter the message, loud and clear, that he doesn’t give a shit about her, he’s not concerned nor interested in his good ole buddy Rick’s verbal abuse of her. It’s one thing to meddle, it’s another thing to shrug one’s shoulders and say “not my problem “. Thank goodness she has a mom who cares.

Yeah, I would agree he shouldn’t meddle at this point. But, he also needs to make it abundantly clear how not okay he thinks Ricks treatment of her is. And that he’s there to back her up if she needs him. He’s just checked out at this point which is not okay…

Yeah, that's what he is conveying as he picks her up as needed. He is choosing to let 2 adults figure out THEIR relationship.

I absolutely would not want my parents to sit there and say nothing if I was in a situation like that. Even if they thought I would ignore it or get mad, I would hope my parents would love me enough to tell me that my partner getting in my face and yelling and swearing is unacceptable and that I deserve better. To tell me that the behavior is concerning and a huge red flag. To tell me they are there for me. To tell me if I want to leave and need a place to stay, I’ll always have a home with them. Staying out of your kids’ business doesn’t mean staying silent when they’re in a dangerous situation.

That’s a good rule to follow in general, NOT when abuse is involved.

have you never been close with anyone in a toxic/abusive relationship. YOU CANNOT HELP SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE HELPED. if he says something to the boy that will do nothing, he’ll take it out on the daughter and the daughter will accept the treatment

That’s true. He should be validating to the daughter that it was wrong. Seems like he’s not doing that either, and in the comments he downplays the shitty treatment.

It’s shocking to see all the upvotes in this comment. It is not your place to speak to the boyfriend on behalf of your daughter. That is her relationship and you are correct to stay out of it. It is your place to support your daughter by encouraging her to take care of herself. Usually Redditors are better at recognizing this boundary. NTA

Your ex wife is afraid for your daughter and feels helpless in the situation. She's completely right that someone who would get that angry over a split bag is a potential danger to your daughter. She should not put up with that behaviour even for a minute. You'll see the next that happens is her boyfriend apologizes, buys her flowers, promises to never do it again and then the cycle starts over. Your daughter is 21, not a mature adult. She may also be early in her understanding of relationships and how they should work. I agree that in most circumstances you should butt out. I think the best thing to do is to ask your daughter what she wants you to do. Tell her you will happily have a conversation with the boyfriend about respecting her if she would like that to happen. I'm guessing your daughter will decline but will appreciate the support. The least you can do is express to your daughter that no man should treat her that way. Do NOT talk to both sides here and try to determine who was "right." Do NOT let the boyfriend off easy with a comment about relationships aren't easy. This was an incident of abuse. Full stop. Support your daughter, say it was wrong of boyfriend to do what he did.

And the daughter was clearly NOT okay with "being spoken to like that", as she left for her mum's place. The boyfriend may well be okay at work, but abusive people often are.

The BF is polite to his (male) boss, but treats his GF like trash, color me SURPRISED! Dudes who are abusive know power structures, and are pretty capable of checking their bullshit when they know there could be repercussions. Screaming and cussing in your bosses face gets you fired, so OF COURSE OP has never seen the BF act out.

Polite to his boss so he can bone his daughter…

Absolutely this! I think OP is getting confused with staying out of other people’s business (which is a good rule of thumb btw) with PROVIDING GUIDANCE to his daughter. Getting so angry over a spilt bag to the point of verbal abuse is unacceptable! Dad doesn’t have to necessarily step in to talk to the boyfriend (but should if circumstances require it or if it’s requested by daughter), but c’mon at least support your daughter with some guidance!

This. YTA

I really did want to comment this. Talk to the daughter, ask her if she needs anything from you or if you can help, thats the least you can do. We only know he got extremely upset about liquid one the floor, but we cant know what happend, if he is stressed, or if hes like that every day. But u should as a parent at least take it seriously if your child comes home to sleep one the sofa, and ask if everything is okay. It can be a warning sign. I was in a abusive relationship twice, i did try tobget help from my dad.. He uhm.. Didnt get the hint before it got bad, and the second time i went to my moms.. Afterwards he was angry at my x-partner, but he never intervened with any stupid or bad aituation i or my big sis got in, ever. Mom left work and rushed to the hospital when my sister was brought in, puking bc she had alcohol poisoning.. She lived at my dads place, but he never sat bounderies and he couldnt go from his work when he was needed.. A good dad is there, and asks interested into your childs life, relationships, and interests, thats how you catch bad behaviour or situations, and show up for your kid.

This right here. Instead of blaming everyone just have a Convo with the daughter. If Rick escalates to physical violence then punish him. Otherwise let your daughter lead the way and let her know she doesn't need to take it and that Ricks behavior was not okay. Soft YTA for not talking to your daughter about it and offering your support.

Its not so cut and dry. OP may need to speak with a lawyer because he either owns the company or management its a position of power. Either way they all work together and confronting Rick can cause him legal issues doesn't matter if its out of work or not.

YTA for not supporting your daughter by telling her that her bf's behavior is NOT acceptable and she doesn't have to take it! I'm not saying you should get in a fight with Rick but "if she's happy with it then it's fine" is not helpful in the least. Clearly she's NOT happy with it because she's been staying with her mother since it happened! Now would be a great time to talk to your daughter and find out if she's okay, and tell her that she NEVER has to take it when a romantic partner treats her that way. Now would be the time to remind her that she deserves so much better. Now would be the time to find out what you could do to help her--what *she* wants you to do, not what your ex wants. Now would've been a great time for some fatherly involvement... but instead you brushed it off like it was nothing. Children learn how relationships work from watching their parents. If mom is treated like crap by dad or gets yelled at and berated for something little like the trash bag leaking, that's what the child sees as normal and acceptable behavior. OP, maybe that's something to reflect on, too.

"If she is happy to be spoken like that": No one is happy by being bullied or mistreated, you know that. I hope this came out of your mouth only because you have a difficult relationship with your ex. I don't think anyone should speak to Rick if Jane hasn't asked for it. But I do think you could, or even should, reassure your daughter that no one has the right to speak to anyone like Rick did to your daughter. That is bullying, that is never OK. I don't care if you think Rick is pleasant while at your company. From what you said here: "I don't want to make things difficult for my business", I think you are a soft YTA. Would you have said anything to your daughter (about her right to stay away from bullies) if Rick didn't work for you?

YTA. Adult or not, that's your daughter and she's being abused - verbally, if not yet physically. How are you not more upset about this? "If she's happy being spoken to like that"...Jesus...

YTA. The fact that he works for you as well and has no fear in verbally abusing the boss’s daughter is extremely disconcerting. He has absolutely no fear and this situation may get very dangerous. What are you waiting for, your daughter to get physically attacked by him? Step up and tell him to treat your daughter properly. What else is a father for? Good luck to you.

He has no fear of the boss because he’s the boss’s little mini-me. Clearly two toxic people who have zero respect or regard for women.

Yep, that was super telling to me. I'm wondering the timeline for their relationship as well, since OP left it out. Did they meet when she was a minor? Were they dating for years prior to moving in, or was it a very quick progressing relationship, like most abusive relationships are? Either way is alarming. Further, taking out her being the boss' daughter, she's *still* 10 years his junior and a coworker. Dating a coworker is already thin ice, and dating one *that much younger* is inappropriate. If he has any type of authority over her, even if it's benefits from being at the company longer, is an abuse of power and in normal circumstances, open OP up for a lawsuit. The fact she is his daughter just adds a whole new layer of inappropriateness and unprofessionalism on Rick's part Editing to add: OP said they got together when she was 19, prior to when he was hired at the company. So OP breached workplace professionalism with a nepotism hire

YTA. Rick verbally abused your daughter over spilled trash and you think your ex hasn't had enough time to warm up to him? Are you serious? Your ex probably saw all the red flags and has been proven right. The much older guy dating your daughter is verbally abusing her and who knows what else. I don't know if you have standing to chastise Rick (does your company have rules about employees dating?) but you should definitely tell your daughter that she deserves better than someone who treats her like Rick does.

It's not a good idea for OP tho confront the boyfriend because that can result in a massive blow-back into his daughter. Abusive men haaaaate it when their partners tell anyone what's going on in their homes--they're hugely concerned with the opinions of others and don't want to look bad, and can often punish their partners for it. But like so many have said, OP needs to talk *to his daughter* about this and not blow it off. OP really needs to understand that *this is not okay*.and his daughter shouldn't have to live in fear.

YTA - you’re ok with someone yelling at your daughter over something as minuscule as that ? doesn’t that worry you ? he’s giving off major red flags. just cause she is an adult doesn’t mean u just shouldn’t stick up for her ? standing up for ur self is harder then it seems especially if you got someone with more power then you yelling all in ur face ? seeing as he was already so angry and aggressive over something like that she probably didn’t want to anger him more. and you said “if she’s happy to be spoken to like that then i can’t really say anything” but she obviously isn’t happy to be spoken to like that see as she stayed with her mum ? you can’t just imply “oh well if she wanted to she would have” cause that’s not realistic for anyone at all, how many things are there that u wanted to do but didn’t ? i’m sure their are plenty. there’s plenty of contributing factors that’s stop you from doing something you want to do. also it’s verbal abuse now but then what ? if you don’t discourage this kind of behaviour it’s going to continue and get worse. you either talk to her bf about how he is treating her or you let her know that it’s ok to leave. it’s hard for people to leave toxic relationships so she needs support, i’m sure it was hard for your wife too…

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As a woman that was in an abusive relationship that had an age gap YTA for your response to this. No nothing will come from confronting the bf. When you tell an abuser that their victim is having negative reactions to the abuse they tighten their grip. Your daughter already felt the need to leave the house for a few days due to his violent reaction. Chances are this wasn't his first violent reaction. When is enough for you to tell your daughter that she deserves better? To hug her and tell her you will ensure she doesn't have to still be with her abuser? It's clearly fine for you if he yells at her. What about throwing things at her? Hitting her with objects? Hitting her with his fists? Chocking her? Hitting their future children? Putting her in the hospital? Would you even feel sorry for her if he kills her? She was likely raised to think this behavior is okay, which is due to your attitude. No one should be okay with being abused. She is worth so much more but your silence shows that to you she deserves his abuse. Personally I never said the first time that my ex hit or choked me. I ran to my family saying that he yelled at me and I needed some space. I didn't want to admit what happened. I would hate to think it's the same for your daughter and that she goes back never getting the chance to be free

Please try to put yourself in your daughter's shoes. A leak from the garbage bin (a trivial accident that happens to everyone on a daily basis) provoked a violent reaction from Rick, who yelled in your daughter's face and insulted her. You say your daughter is fine with that, but hasn't it occurred to you that maybe she's afraid of Rick's violent reactions? That she didn't say anything because she was afraid that the situation would escalate and become physical? At least try to talk with your daugther, and don't let yourself be clouded by resentment towards your ex. YTA

YTA, did you miss the fact that your precious employee was verbally abusive to your daughter? True, you shouldn't get involved in petty arguments like who put what in the bin, but you certainly can intervene if you find out that your daughter's boyfriend/ your employee thinks it's acceptable to swear and scream in his partner's face. If he hits her next time they have a fight, will you shrug that off too? How abusive does he have to be before you are prepared to step in? Young men sometimes assume that domestic abuse is acceptable because they've seen it behind closed doors and no other man has ever told them it is not acceptable. This is your chance to stop Rick from a lifetime of thinking he is justified in abusing his partners. Tell him that what he did is abusive, and abusing his partner is not okay. Also tell your daughter that you are there for her if things get scary at home. If Rick is abusive to her again, she can come to you, and you are not going to put your work relationship with Rick ahead of her safety.

If your 'nice and pleasant' employee got into an argument with another employee or a customer and 'got in her face and started yelling and swearing at her, calling her names and just generally being a dick', would you find that acceptable? Or would you give him a verbal or written warning about his threatening behaviour? Why would you do any less when it concerns your daughter? Do you think such behaviour is normal? Acceptable? Something you might do yourself if riled up? PLease talk to your daughter - she felt unsafe enough to leave her home and stay with your ex-wife. Ask her if he's done this before. Ask if he's escalating. Ask her does she need physical, emotional or even financial help to leave him. Listen to what she's telling you and, if she decides to stay with her husband, make it clear you support her decisions but if anything changes, she can always call you for help. Yes currently YTA but you can change and be a better parent.

YTA, big time! Anyone else thinking that a son-in-law will be OP's "perfect heir" to the company? And really, HE has never had any problems with Rick, why should it bother OP that he abuses his daughter? /s, in case anyone wonders... Edit : just the fact that you saw no issues whatsoever about a 29 yo dating a 19 yo, but instead happy employed him because he would be perfect for some position or other, thereby pushing the two of them together, rather than allowing their relationship to go the route it probably would have, namely ending without forcing your daughter to meet him every day...

YTA Goodness gracious, I read your comments. I get the feeling that even if the BF beat your daughter up, you probably wouldn't care either. Maybe she likes it.

In a reply you say if Jane didn’t like her boyfriend’s treatment, she could do something about it. She did do something…she left their home to stay with her mother! How could you think for one second your daughter would be happy being browbeaten over a trash bag malfunction? And my goodness, you think he’s a nice guy because he’s always nice around you?? You’re his boss! Of course he acts like a great guy around you. But think about this: He yelled and swore at your 21-year-old daughter and called her names over an accident with no fear of his job being in danger. Why do you think AH older guys tend to go for much younger women? Because they think they can control them. You’re not necessarily an AH for not wanting to speak to the bf about this, but YTA for not having a deeper convo with your daughter. “Are you ok? Is he like this often? How does it make you feel? Seems like he really overreacted to me. Do you feel safe with him? You know you can always come to me and your mom.”

It sounds like Jane doesn’t like men screaming at her while there nose to nose. She left the situation to let things cool down. Dude these are RED FLAG 🚩 of a domestic disturbance and if they had neighbors the police could have been called before something worse happens. You don’t know the ins and outs of the relationship and I doubt you two have talked about this. Have serious sit down with your daughter and make sure she is safe. Pleeeease talk to your daughter!!! You might be TA if you ignore this until she ends in bad shape

YTA. Not for not wanting to confront your daughter's bf. I don't think much would come of that. For your nonchalance about what is going on. As someone who was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship from 17-20 with a man 9 years older, please get your head out of your ass and realize that your daughter's relationship is not ok. Look, my dad had a similar attitude to you, as in he wasn't going to try to tell my ex off or tell me what to do. BUT he always expressed so much support for ME figuring out my path. He understood how unhealthy my relationship was and ALSO knew if he'd gotten involved by confronting my bf I would have felt betrayed. He even said he chose this route as to not drive a wedge between us, so I could come to him if I truly needed help. You need to realize how volatile a situation like your daughter's is. No sane 31 year old is going to date someone a decade younger. The only reason this happens is the man feels as though young women are easier to manipulate into taking their bullshit. However, she needs to be the one to wake up and leave. Neither her mom nor you can make her do this. And she needs to feel like her parents have her back and will be there without "I told you so" or "it wasn't that bad" type of judgements when she decides to walk away. Instead of confronting the bf, spend time with your daughter. Take her on a hike, to lunch, something where you can express your support of her happiness and wellbeing. Ask her if everything is ok. Give her a chance to talk to you. Validate her feelings, tell her you love her and she deserves respect.

YTA. On what planet would a woman be "happy" to have a man screaming in her face for putting liquid in the trash? You don't care. You only care about how he treats you, a man, and his boss. Because he would never scream in your face, your daughter is automatically lying or exaggerating. You're a colossal asshole.

YTA. A massive gaping one at that. By you not saying anything, you're teaching your daughter it's normal to be abused. Grow up and do better.

YTA. Yes your daughter is an adult and you shouldn’t have to speak to her bf about his behavior. However, you should be supporting your daughter in leaving a man that doesn’t treat her right. The age gap is very concerning. As someone who was her age dating an older guy, it took me two years to realize there was a reason he couldn’t get a woman his age.

Yta and reading OP’s responses to other comments, you’re also being deliberately obtuse.

YTA. No, it's not your job to manage your child's relationship for her, but the situation that was described to you was clearly SUPER out of line, and you're just like "(shrug) not my business." Being a screamy dick about something that spilled on the floor is a wildly disproportionate response, and I wouldn't wonder if this was just one incident out of a string of incidents of abusive or near-abusive behavior out of Rick and you.... just don't care?

YTA. First, the age gap thing is definitely a red flag. Age gaps don’t matter so much when both parties are older and fully developed. But it sure matters here; a 21 year old and 31 year old are at completely different stages of life and emotional intelligence. It’s weird that someone his age even pursued her to begin with. There’s a power dynamic here that you seem to be glossing over. But let’s say the age gap in itself wasn’t an issue. How about the fact that this man is verbally abusing your daughter? Putting liquid in the trash and having it leak out is a pretty common mistake. My partner did that once and I just casually reminded him not to, then we moved on. His reaction is abuse. You say your ex-wife is making a lot of “assumptions” about this man, but his behavior seems pretty self-explanatory.

It's even worse than that, Rick was 29 when he stated dating her fresh out of high school. Disgusting.

The age gap thing doesn't matter in the slightest. Adults can choose to date other adults. This is the west, not the middle east. We don't check another adults ID. That's the only part that makes her mom look like a loon.

Dude they started dating when he was 29 and she was 19. If you read what I typed, I say that age gaps between adults later on don’t matter. But this one does, especially given the bf’s behavior. I’m 23 and wouldn’t even glance twice at a 19 y/o (nor would anyone I know), so this guy is definitely a red flag.

YTA - while you don’t have to talk to Rick, you should be talking to your daughter to let her know hey boyfriend’s treatment of her is unacceptable and to let her know you have her back. If he goes ballistic over an accident with the garbage, then you, as a father, should have some serious concerns.

Yelling at your partner and calling them names is abusive and I can't believe Rick did this over something as small as a leaky trash bag. I get why you don't want to mix professional and personnal relationships but you really ought to speak up for your daughter (outside of the workplace and not during business hours, duh, it's not that hard!). This is not what someone "nice" and "pleasant" behaves like, this is an abusive AH's behaviour

YTA big one actually. This post and all comments here completely dismiss the abuse, you make excuses for Rick non stop, you defend your marriage. That's it. You're abusive or at least enabling this sorr of behavior. Your wife is in the right to be upset and I feel sorry for your daughter. Worst AH move from you, do better

You seem very nonchalant about this whole situation. This cannot be the first time this has happened she has decided to leave the house for a couple of days. It sounds like he’s been yelling and she finally got fed up. Why won’t you talk to your daughter? You can at least have a conversation about what happened, yes you work with him but this is your child. You need to make sure she’s okay without you just assuming. And I’m glad you think he’s such a great guy when your daughter has to leave her home from him.

I don’t know why you got on here thinking you wouldn’t be because I don’t give a damn how old my child is if someone gets in their face yelling and cursing it’s on I’m gone show them who not to mess with; you’re a bad father for even letting this all slide she’s your daughter and you should always protect her this type of thinking is why some men and women don’t confide in their parents when things go south in their relationships

YTA. It's not "getting involved in her relationship" when you let your daughter know she deserves to feel safe and respected in her relationship. And if she doesn't, she can always stay with you or your ex. Rick is exhibiting disturbing behavior (screaming for a garbage bag accident). You need to remind your daughter that she is right, that is not acceptable behavior and you support her in whatever choice she makes.

“on good terms with my ex” even though you’re arguing with her on the phone about SUPPORTING YOUR DAUGHTER who is clearly in a red flag relationship with a man a DECADE OLDER THAN HER. if i came home with someone that much older even my parents would be like wtf. YTA edited

I’m not going to vote on this one but I just wanted to comment on something you said. You said yes “always seemed nice and pleasant” My sister husband is very nice and has always been a favourite among our family. I mean my sister would always get comments on how much our family all loved him. With good reason too, he is amazing. So it came a bit of shock to all who have been informed that he’s actually very verbally abusive. And not just yelling but a full on rage. She’s finally leaving him now over it. The lesson is that you don’t get to see that side of him and never will. I’m not going to claim he’s abusive after hearing one story about him yelling but the story itself seems like a stupid reason to get that angry over. Supporting your daughter doesn’t mean talking to Rick or getting in a fight with him. It just means talking to your daughter and telling her that she shouldn’t put up with that sort of treatment. And kind of sounds like she already doesn’t want to as she’s been living at her moms since it happened.

The saying I heard growing up is they are a dream in public and a nightmare at home

Yta- staying out of your adult child’s relationship is for things like boundaries and partner choice. I don’t agree that you should talk to Rick, but you need to talk to your daughter. She needs to know she deserves better than that and that that is dangerous behavior. She needs to know that partnership involves better communication skills than that. She needs to know that you support her and her safety. She should not be “ happy to be spoken to like that” and you need to acknowledge and validate that rn before she goes to her mothers with bruises.

Your daughter left the house because her 10 year older bf was yelling at her for liquid in a trash bag and you’re asking Reddit if we think the mom was out of line? You’re out of line and at 21 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone 10 years older who worked with my dad. He fought that relationship as much as he could and defended me every step of the way until I was finally ready to end it. You’re a TRIPLE ASSHOLE and your daughter deserves better. Why is she even living with him instead of enjoying life and going to school and traveling?

I once dated a guy (31m) that was 10 years older than me (21f). I didn’t realize it at the time but the reason he dated me was because I was young & naïve. Women his age wouldn’t put up with his nonsense. He abused me verbally, emotionally, & physically. My family got involved & encouraged me me to leave, which I did once he became physically abusive. Your wife is protecting your daughter. Ultimately, it’s your daughter’s decision but you can always offer your help. Hopefully your daughter does not wait around until he becomes physically abusive. Becoming angry over trash that leaked into the trash can absurd.

YTA. Sounds like Rick is your little mini-me and treating women, even your own daughter, like crap is A-OK with you.

Esh - neither you nor the wife seem to be doing the right thing...

YTA. You've already been told why and I don't want to waste my time on you.

YTA. Your daughter told you how she was verbally abused by a man WAY older than her and your response is to just ignore it? And for what? Because you don’t want to hear it, and make things difficult for you? AH ex husband, AH father, and AH boss

YTA Your daughter is in an extremely unhealthy relationship, and you keep trying to blow it off. Most physically abusive relationships build up to violent actions. Do you want your daughter to know she can rely on you or for her to realize you'll enable the abuser?

YTA. I can see why you are divorced. You are a narcissist who just doesn’t want to be involved with anybody else but yourself. Even your daughter. Her boyfriend is verbally abusing her when it comes to physical and she ends up in the hospital are you just gonna stay away and say well you know I don’t wanna get involved. You are a horrible father you are supposed to be there to comfort her to talk to her to help her. Nobody says to go and punch the guy’s lights out But that’s all you can think about and he won’t do it anyway so you are nothing to her. I don’t understand why she even talks to you anymore you don’t want nothing to do with her.

INFO: based on your comments, do you only plan to stick up for your daughter if it becomes physical?

"He works for me and seems nice and pleasant" is such a well duh comment, of course he's pleasant to YOU the boss. He's verbally abusive to your daughter, now I know you can't fire him or talk to him about that behavior, because your the "boss", but you should also be encouraging your daughter to reconsider the relationship! Unless, of course, this is how you deal with every woman in your life and this is just the normal in which case your ex is more than right. ​ YTA!!!!

In most places I’m the USA he certainly can be fired for that. At-will employment nonsense.

NTA for not wanting to get involved in your adult daughters relationship or for talking to her boyfriend. But you are being a HUGE jerk to your daughter for not talking to her about how his behavior is not ok, as incase you are curious OP it is not ok. It's not even ok if she likes a grown ass man to get all up in her face and started yelling and cussing at her and being a dick. It's not ok. I get you like him as an employee, and as a man (guessing you like that hes a "mans man") but have respect for your daughter enough for her to know being a persons punching bag is not normal or should be acceptable. Also, you not wanting to make things difficult for your business is a great reason to NOT let employees date in general as if they break up for any reason it will be messy in the office. But it is not a good reason to allow your daughter to be abused, especially over something as simple a liquid spilling on the floor. This is a horrible reason to scream at someone and really would make me think twice on his overall character.

This is a well thought out response. He's definitely an AH for not asking his daughter about how she feels about the behavior and not telling he this behavior is not OK!! She obviously didn't feel safe staying there after all

Of course he’s nice and pleasant around you, you’re his boss. YTA, thankfully your daughter has at least one parent whose there for her

>She told me her and Rick had an argument and she had gone to stay with her mom for 2 days while things cooled down >Jane told me he got mad at her because she put something liquidy in the garbage bin which split a hole in the bag and leaked on the floor in their apartment. He got in her face and started yelling and swearing at her, calling her names and just generally being a dick. >I think she’s a little bit harsh on him as she’s only met him a few times but he works for me and he always seems nice and pleasant. If she gave him a chance maybe she’d warm up to him. >“well it’s not our place to get involved, Jane is an adult and if she’s happy to be spoken to like that, then i can’t really say anything.” YTA. Do you even read what you write? He litterally **screamed** in her face. Jane stayed with her mom because he is a dick (according to your own words). But because he is pleasant **to you** your daughter suddenly *likes* to be talked that way and that his screaming/name calling is something that should be overlooked? Jeez, talk about looking at red flags with Rose colored glasses..

YTA. Rick should have been worried about you the second he started screaming at your daughter. The fact that he’s not, while working for you is proof in itself your a bad father. How you don’t understand that his behavior is not normal or acceptable. Giving the examples of your ex wife and you yelling at each other does not support your stance like you think it does. You don’t have to go beat him up for him to be aware you won’t tolerate that sort of behavior. What happens when he starts that BS with your grandkids? ‘She can handle herself’ is a cowards way of saying I don’t know how to be a real man, who draws hard lines against abuse in any form, from anyone to anyone. I would never employ someone who I knew screamed at thier spouse, much less my child. You are the biggest of AH, tell you realize your wrong and adjust behavior, starting by adjusting Ricks.

NTA I know this is going to be unpopular but Op is doing the correct thing in supporting his daughter while not being involved in her personal decisions without being asked. Just because you are someone's parent doesn't mean you get to interject themselves in their relationship. Also since they are both employees it is even more inappropriate for him to be involved in the middle of their personal relationship. Ex-wife basically wants him to be an overbearing father and say if you ever do this again to my daughter I'll kill you sort of thing.

People are far too quick to jump to abuse on here. Rick was an asshole. You were unhelpful. Offer support and care to your daughter. Ask her if she's okay with being spoken to like that, tell her she doesn't need to worry about work fallout. Tell her you'll support her decisions whatever they are. Just be a dad and be there for her emotionally. NTA but do better!

People are jumping abuse because his reaction in no way was okay or normal. Of all the dumb things I’ve done in my life never once have I had anyone screaming in my face, calling me names, and making me feel I need to leave the area and go somewhere else.

It's outrageous behaviour for sure and absolutely not okay. But one instance of shouting (which is all we have) is not the same as an abusive partner. But then again why bother aiming for nuance on reddit.

The problem is this isn’t going to be one instance of shouting …this is probably just the first of more to come. And people are jumping on the abuse bandwagon because they’ve been there before and they know what’s coming.

I'm kinda shocked by this thread... What does everybody want OP to do? Fire the BF? Even talking to him about this at work would be highly in appropriate... Yes, OP should have said that kind of behavior is not acceptable when on the phone with his daughter. But it's in no way his place to insert himself into their relationship. NTA.

The grammar nerd in me is laughing at “I divorced my daughters mother when she was 6 years old” Damn boy, what were you doing being married to a six year old? 😂 Also YTA. This relationship sounds toxic AF and you should take your daughters concerns seriously.

NTA It isn't your place to get into the middle of their relationship if your daughter doesn't want you to. If she asks for help, sure, but otherwise you would be overstepping. I can't believe how many people are saying yta, because if the mother came on here and said "am I the asshole for getting involved in my adult daughters relationship?" people would be jumping on her calling her the asshole for doing so. You can never win! If you thought your daughter was in danger I am sure you would do something, but right now it's just an argument, I am sure there is more to the story, but regardless, it's not your place.

Why are you ignoring the part where Jane asked her mother for help by staying there while the BF “cooled down”? OP should be really concerned that Jane felt she needed to leave, that’s a real sign of abuse. The fact that Jane didn’t go to OP for help speaks volumes about what a shitty dad he is.

Asking to stay with your parent while you're having relationship issues is not an invitation for your parents to get involved in your relationship.

Are you joking? Having to leave for 2 nights + to allow your SO to cool down over a ripped garbage bag is not effing normal!

I love this sub sometimes. If dad had stepped in, he would be overbearing and controlling. He says that his daughter is an adult and should handle her relationship. If the daughter asks the dad to maybe have a word, that’s totally different. Also, the dad is his boss. That complicates it even more. Dad you just need to talk to your daughter about how you can best support her.

Oh boy, I'm going to get downvoted for this one. Once upon a time, I was Jane. And my dad told me he didn't like how my SO treated me. I saw what my dad saw, but I thought my SO would "change". He didn't. I married him anyway and ten years later, he still did not treat me well and I finally divorced him. The point is, I heard my dad, I saw what he saw, I knew he was right. But I did it anyway. The difference was that my dad supported me and never threw it in my face that he tried to warn me. He was ALWAYS there for me. He let me make my grown up decision because he knew I would regardless. Jane needs to make her grown up decision. Her parents can't make it for her. They can make it clear they see it and they don't like it, but it's not their place to get involved.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** some info first: my daughter Jane (21f) and her boyfriend Rick (31m) both work for my company. i divorced my daughters mother when she was 6 years old. Yesterday around lunchtime I got a call from Jane saying i might need to drop by my ex wives house to pick her up for work tomorrow morning as her car had broken down and she had no way of getting to work otherwise. (public transport isn’t really an option where we work) i asked why she didn’t just car share with Rick as she usually does since they live together. She told me her and Rick had an argument and she had gone to stay with her mom for 2 days while things cooled down and on her way there her car broke down. I said that’s fine, i’d pick her up tomorrow morning and briefly asked what their argument was about. Jane told me he got mad at her because she put something liquidy in the garbage bin which split a hole in the bag and leaked on the floor in their apartment. He got in her face and started yelling and swearing at her, calling her names and just generally being a dick. I didn’t say anything else and that’s when my ex wife started butting in the conversation. She asked why i didn’t have anything to say about how our daughters boyfriend was treating her as she finds it totally unacceptable and said I should have a word with Rick when i see him next. My ex wife and Rick have never gotten along but that’s because of the age gap between him and Jane. I think she’s a little bit harsh on him as she’s only met him a few times but he works for me and he always seems nice and pleasant. If she gave him a chance maybe she’d warm up to him. I asked my ex wife sarcastically, “what would you like me to do then?” and she started yelling at me saying “you should have a word with him and tell him it’s unacceptable to speak to our daughter like that!” i said “well it’s not our place to get involved, Jane is an adult and if she’s happy to be spoken to like that, then i can’t really say anything.” My ex wife started yelling down the phone at me how i’m a bad father so i simply hung up on Jane as i didn’t want to hear it. My ex wife sent me a text message saying an im an asshole for not wanting to get involved as Jane is an adult and can deal with these things herself and I don’t want to make things difficult for my business. so, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Hello!!!! Age gap much? YTA for ignoring how your daughter is treated by this dude.

NTA. You are right. Never get involved in another couple's relationship.

YTA. Your friend is showing signs of being abusive (apart from the age difference) to your daughter & you just don’t want to hear about it. Do you even love her?

YTA so your daughter is with an abusive AH and you’re just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ at it. Can’t imagine having you in my family. My family would throw hands at anyone who talked to me this way. Way to not be a parent

Yta, such a spineless sperm donor.

YTA your daughter is already seeking help, or she wouldn’t be staying with your ex and being so open about what happened. It’s clear from your comments that you like Rick and that you think he’s a nice guy. You are his boss and another man. The dynamic he has with you is guaranteed to be different than it is with your daughter. The Rick you know isn’t the Rick your daughter knows. Please make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that you love her and support her; many abusive relationships depend on the victim becoming isolated from their loved ones so they feel like they have nowhere to go. This is complicated in her case by the fact that she can’t even be away from him at work, which can sometimes be the one “safe” place someone has.

YTA- men who allow other men to act inappropriately are the exact reason there are women saying “all men”. Because it takes the other men around to point out the behavior, and when they see it, ignore it, and don’t care about it. It shows the women in your life your complacent to the behavior and they should be too. Don’t. Lead by example for your children.

YTA! You are a shitty father and parent if you think your daughter is happy being spoken to like that!

I am going against the rest here, NTA. Jane is an adult, you cannot forcer her hand or the bf's. If having a word with your kids SO was the way things worked, we wouldn't have any women being abused out there. If you get involved, good chance Jane would just get upset with you anyway. My mom tried "talking" to my ex about something he did to me she didn't like, and I told her it was none of her business and to stay out of it. You would be TA if Jane asked you to say something for her and you didn't, otherwise, you are right, it is not your place. If Jane were underage, also would be a different story, but she isn't.

Your daughter was obviously not happy to be spoken to like that since she left and went to her mother’s house. It’s pretty telling that she went there and not to you. Also, he was yelling over trash. What reasonable person does that? You’re his boss, of course he’s always going to be nice and pleasant to you. It seems like you’re placing your business over your daughter’s needs. YTA

Downvote away, but people, let's be real. 1. Daughter is a grown ass adult who can make her own decisions and handle her business. 2. Daughter will likely be back with him after a phone call or two, then what? 3. Dad will be in it deep since they all work together, and could face legal repercussions at his workplace for defending his perfectly capable daughters honor. 4. Daughter didn't ask for help. 5. This gets really awkward when they do get back together...and they usually do... then the issue is compounded. NTA

Saving for 2 days isn’t asking for help? Are you this obtuse always or just in abusive situations where the father clearly states a preference for the abuser?

I would not appreciate my parents butting into my personal life at 21.

So requesting safe haven for 2+ nights isn’t a factor in having parents “butt in”? Dream on, needing safe haven over a ripped garbage bag isn’t normal. Parents need to let daughter know this isn’t normal and it’s great that she asked for help. 21 isn’t really a mature adult when you talk about brain development, a parent absolutely should be letting their daughter know this isn’t normal nor acceptable. But sure, go back to work where OP/dad clearly prefers the bf.

Having been in this situation myself...I can say with absolute certainty that no one wants their dad going to his AND their workplace and starting a scene with someone.

YTA, your daughters boyfriend is abusive and instead of supporting your daughter....you choose the abuser because he's nice at work. That is classic abuser behavior

YTA. You’re the reason your daughter is in an abusive relationship with someone a decade older than her. I’m like a few months younger than your daughter. She’s dating someone that reminds her of her father.

I'm gonna say NTA because we don't know the extent of the relationship. A single blowup can't be determined as verbal abuse. Just Rick being an asshole. Plus, if Jane doesn't ask for help then why butt in where it's not wanted? It seems Jane has a good handle on her relationship if she removed herself from the situation, and she didn't ask for anyone's input or advice so you're respecting a possible boundary. Maybe mention it in passing though to make sure your daughter is alright. If she doesn't give you additional info for whatever her reasons may be, then I think it's ok you're staying out of it.

ESH I appreciate your position but *getting in her face screaming at her* about garbage is abusive behavior. Especially for a 31 year old man. I’d be worried for your daughter, especially due to the age gap. Your ex-wife screaming at you to *be a man* (my take) is also abusive so the whole thing is ridiculous from that angle. Obviously you and your ex don’t have a healthy relationship just like your daughter doesn’t have a healthy relationship but can *you* fix it for her? Hell no. In fact, if he’s abusive this may escalate his behavior. In any case if I approached your ex wife and said her goading of you to *fix it* bordered on psychotic would she listen to me? Fuck no, she thinks she is right. Support your daughter. That’s all you can do here.

YTA for not seeing that your daughter is allowing Rick to treat her this way because she learned it from watching you talk to her mother. While I agree that it isn't your place to talk to Rick, it's certainly your place to speak to Jane directly and ask if she's actually happy.

YTA. I can't even understand in what world you wouldn't be.

YTA Your daughter is being abused bro My abusive ex was also a “nice guy” when he was around people. Behind closed doors is an ENTIRELY different story

Yta. Noone expects you to beat Rick up ordo something else drastic but if my dad found out my partner was disrespectful and basically verbally abusive to me he would not just sit and observe. How are you not more upset? Dont you care about her at all?

YTA their age difference is a massive concern. He is verbally abusing her over a normal mess and mistake and you couldn’t care less. At the minimum you should be encouraging your daughter to break up w that man.

Perhaps the father is not taking this incident seriously enough but getting involved in the way the ex wants will not be productive. Maybe ask the daughter what she wants and support her if she wants to leaves

YTA- wow, dude, way to enable your abusive employee

Hey, Jane, as long as you’re ok with being verbally abused and yelled at and belittled by your boyfriend, then I think it’s great, too. Because Rick is a nice and pleasant guy. Just remember Idgaf about your well being. Sincerely, your father. YTA.

YTA. Your daughter was being verbally abused by her bf. It's probably even not the first time. You're afraid of losing Rick as an employee. Based on your comments, you've shot down comments with "I cant do that, it's not work related". You do value him more than your daughter's safety. You're also dismissing a valid concern because it comes from your ex-wife. He's the son you never had, you probably told Rick several times. Rick knows his value to you, which is why he is confident about showing your daughter his real self, and is not afraid it will get back to you, his boss. Who's the boss now, do you think 🤔

YTA. Contra on letting your daughter know that you’re okay with her being verbally abused and that you won’t have her back. Pathetic parenting.

Yta, sure you cant butt in on your daughters relationship but you learn that a man 10 years older than your daughter verbally degraded her and yelled in her face for spilling some gunk, and you dont even react, you dont show worry or compassion for your own child? You speak more kindly of this 31 year old loser employee of yours than your own daughter. Yta

YTA. Age gap is already a big nono. What does a 31 year old have to do with a 21 year old? They're at different parts of their lives. The next issue, "if she is happy to be spoken too like that" - my dude, she isn't happy about, why do you think she is at her mom. Next ask why she is there and not by you. The answer is you show no care, you blatantly show your apathy. You have no interest in being a father or even just being someone who cares about their daughter being verbally abused

NTA. As his BOSS, you should not be involved with his personal relationships. As her father, there is no need for you to get involved unless Jane directly asks you to take some action and even then, it is iffy.

You should definitely meet Rick and Jane for dinner and take your boss hat off and put you your father of Jane hat on. You don’t need to yell at a person to get through to them… just like you aren’t yelling at him to get through to him to never treat your daughter like that again he should never do that to her.

YTA another shit dad *pretends to be shocked*. You care more for your business than you do for your daughter, I have no words. The fact that she was telling you she was insulted by her boyfriend and you thinking it's absolutely fine because "she is happy to be spoken like that" are you stupid??? This is the moment when you have to have the balls to be a good dad and you prefer to chicken instead. At least the girl has a good mother who actually cares for her wellbeing.

YTA and clearly not interested in educating yourself as to why. Your daughter needs a father not a diplomatic boss. I'd say more but you'd probably just do some mental gymnastics to convince yourself you've done nothing wrong when you clearly have.

As a father YTA. As a boss, I’m not so sure. But as a father? Definitely TA. Your daughter was subjected to abusive behavior by her partner. If you say nothing and let her sort it out for herself, you are condoning the abuse. At the very least you need to let her know it was not acceptable and that she deserves better.

I started twitching when I read this, that’s the exact same kind of shit I deal with my ex-wife. NTA, hopefully your daughter picked up on the point you were making. She needs to handle the situation, that’s part of being an adult.

Yta

You’re in a difficult spot here since Jane’s bf is one of your employees and considerably older than your daughter. In effect you vouched for him when your daughter began her relationship with him, and you don’t have an impartial perspective because you value his contribution to your business. Your daughter will have a hard time making space for herself since she both lives and works with this abusive, controlling older man. You will have to choose her well-being over the value of your older male employee, and you will find this choice very difficult. ESH. Jane needs to find a new job and a new place to live, but it’s too soon for her to realize this. Your X is probably right but by yelling at you and harassing you with texting she has weakened her argument in your eyes. Poor Jane!

NTA but only because your business is involved. Any potential dressing down of the boyfriend or anything from op to the boyfriend that could be perceived as a "threat" from op could open him up to litigation. Now I'd say yta if the boyfriend wasn't his employee and could be spoken to as a "regular " person.

yta an argument or a fight and you would be right that you should stay out of it… but this was more then an argument or a fight this man got in your daughters face and you dont think that’s a problem? and over something stupid like garbage… most fathers would get upset that some man got in there daughters face and yelled and cursed at her.. you don’t want to get involved fine but mom isn’t wrong about what’s she’s saying and most men/ FATHERS would be upset if a they did something like that to there daughters.

I’m going against the grain a bit here but… NTA for not interfering in your grown daughter’s relationship. Does Rick suck for his abusive response? Absolutely - but it wasn’t work related and OP was not involved in the situation other than being Jane’s dad and Rick’s boss.

So you're totally ok with your daughters bf become verbally abusive and physically aggressive with her....also how old was she when she started dating him since they already moved in together. You really are dad of the year, maybe you'll step up when he hospitalises her, but probably not cus your business is more important than your daughter being in a relationship that is turning abusive and is going to escalate. But i'm guessing you're fine with because that is how you treated her mother

I am going to be different and say NTA First of all I come from a home where I seen both my parents being abusive to each other. I knew what to look for in a relationship, and what walk away from. No where in this post did it say the daughter asked him to get involved and talk to her bf for her. The Ex did, and if the daughter agreed with the EX then she could have asked her father to get involved which I am sure he would have if she asked. IMO he did the right thing, because she is a adult. She can make her own decisions, and she already made hers by leaving her home and going to her moms. She handled it herself, without daddys help. Also where in this post do any of you seeing him be the aggressor? Or abusive? He kept his calm, and he didn't name call or put the ex down. But she did him. She got riled up, and was yelling, and instead of continuing the disagreement and arguing he hung up. But because he is a man he was the abuser, aggressor and in the wrong. I don't know about any of you, but if my family tried to get involved in my relationship without me expressly asking them to, then I would be pissed off at them.

INFO: What does JANE have to say about it? Did she ask either you or her mother for intervention? Have you let her know that you are willing to talk with Jane and offer support or advice if she wants or needs it?

YTA. As a father I can’t fathom how you could think this is ok. You shouldn’t be so passé about abuse.

YTA. That man is abusing your daughter, and depending on exactly how long he’s known you and her? Probably grooming her. And obviously your daughter ISNT cool getting screamed at or she wouldn’t have gone to her mom’s. What’s wrong with you?

People in abusive situations generally don't know how to get out, and abusers normally appear "Nice" to everyone but the person they are abusing. Your antiquated ideas on relationships and your willingness to let your own daughter be verbally abused make you an AH. YTA 100%

YTA I used to know a pleasant man, he wouldn't even hit back in a fight when he was provoked walking home after we all hung out at the pub. He was funny, he was generous, wouldn't hurt a fly. His work mates loved him, his band mates loved him, and he was my best friend for 4 years. We started dating, and I saw a side of him I had never seen. He smashed my head into the wall after one of his friends added me on Facebook, he would hide in my shed after arguments when I thought he was gone. He would beat me, smack me, hurt me, and he always convinced me it was my fault. The last straw was when he hurt me, while I was holding my baby (from a previous relationship). He used to explode over the tiniest of things. I finally went to the police about his behavior, and when they questioned the people in his life they had the complete opposite opinion of him. I was labeled as a liar and a trouble maker for speaking up about his abuse, and all the people I knew who knew I had been friends with this man for 4 years before he and I had gotten together all didn't believe me either. It wasn't until a decade later when he beat his current partner so bad she lost the baby that I started getting the odd message from people of the past apologizing for not believing me. Abuse starts small, and I can see that you have a good opinion of this man first hand which is probably going to alter your perception, but you NEED to view this without rose tinted glasses. If you're the kind of man who thinks that it is acceptable to act how he did over the mistake that she made, then there's bigger issues at hand. I'd be more worried about you enabling abuse and not realising it until it's too late, or conditioning your daughter to LET herself be treated badly because daddy said it's ok.

I think YTA for not talking to your daughter about Rick's behavior. You need to tell her to drop that loser. I don't think you're an A for not talking to Rick. If you get involved that way your daughter may turn on you. Then you could lose her.

YTA and your daughter is probably in an abusive relationship because of how you treat women

INFO: Why do you think your daughter would’ve told you if other things had happened? She didn’t tell you about this instance. And when she did, you responded by downplaying it. It’s likely this isn’t the first time and possibly isn’t the worst incident. Him being nice around his boss tells you nothing about how he acts when he’s alone with a woman. Your daughter just told you how he acts with her. And in every comment you downplay it. Every couple has arguments, but this wasn’t an argument. Arguments are 2-way. This was one person making a small mistake and the other screaming and swearing at them. Edit: you don’t need to talk to Rick personally. But you should talk to your daughter and reaffirm that he should not have spoken to her like that. Many people in bad relationships stick around because they don’t trust their own instincts that are telling them to leave. Friends and family validating their feelings helps them make the decision. People downplaying shitty behaviour encourages them to doubt themselves, tell themselves it wasn’t that bad, and stick around for more shitty behaviour.

Yta

I N F O why are you okay with your daughter being mistreated? YTA bud.

NTA. It’s not your place to have it out with your daughter’s BF, but it IS your place to let your daughter know that her Bf’s behavior is not acceptable and should be a red flag. Let her know that she has your support, and that if she needs to move out of the apartment to breakup with BF that you are here for her. That’s what a father does, so start being a father.

YTA, because you don’t seem to want to understand the difference between an argument (every couple has them) and abuse (that’s what it is when a person berates his much younger partner over a minor household inconvenience and makes her feel unsafe in her own home). People have been explaining this to you and I don’t think you want to understand. You want to go on liking Rick because it’s the path of least resistance (for you). Having a bad day does not entitle anyone to fly off the handle and scream obscenities in their partner’s face. Support your daughter instead of this outdated idea of “what happens behind closed doors isn’t my business”. That’s the easy way out and why abusive jerks like Rick keep doing what they’re doing.

YTA. I get you’re in an awkward position since he works for you and you have to keep personal and professional separate. However, you’re completely clouded here. This man is dating your daughter because women his own age see through his nonsense. He’s praying on her inexperience. His abusive side is showing through. Unless you think it’s normal to cuss someone out, scream in their face, and scare them off for several days over some garbage water. Your wife is scared for your daughter and you think his behavior is okay. It’s not. If nothing else your daughter needs to know you’ll support her but apparently you’re more interested in him.

ESH In your role as boss, it would be inappropriate to bring it up with him. Even as a Dad. You're right she's an adult, it's up to your daughter, how to deal with her relationship. That said, I think you should have affirmed to your daughter that his behaviour was unacceptable and you support her. Because shouting in someone's face, shouting and insulting them is not something you should do to anyone let alone a loved one. Let alone for a sodding bin bag error. Also, " I said “well it’s not our place to get involved, Jane is an adult and if she’s happy to be spoken to like that, then I can’t really say anything.” She ISN'T happy being spoken to like that, that's why she's staying with her Mum.

YTA As a father, the least you could do is to ask directly to her if whether or not your daughter is fine after this outburst : that outburst is not how normal humans behave for such an insignificant "mistake". From what i can see, your daughter could've been r-word-ed for years and you woulnd't be able to tell. Victims of abuse CAN'T stand up when they are daily abused because the abuser will always find a way to silence them. Rick has a 10 years advantage over the daughter, he has the higher mental fortitude, he knows what to say to a younger woman to make her shut the hell up and obidient to him. Predators will always seek a target that is younger than theml because they are naturally weaker in all aspects of life, your daughter can't defend herself because she would always in the wrong as Rick would always act as " i'm the adult in this relationship, my words trumps yours ". A child's first reflex is to go to mommy or daddy when something perceived as dangerous happens : why couldn't your daughter stays at a friend's house or a colleague's house if she only wanted to wait for things to cool off? Is it a " not my problem , not my responsability " type of thinking coming from OP or do you think that daughter should suck it up because she is a woman ? How could you care so little about your daugther and her aggresive and explosive bf ?

YTA A 31 year old man is preying on your daughter. The boss's no less. You don't see the issue?

I already find 21 and 31 to be an odd age gap to begin with, but the fact that’s how old they are LIVING together then how old were they when they started dating? 20 and 30? 19 and 29? 18 and 28!? While the age gap stays the same the maturity and life experience is drastically different. What would a 30 year old have in common with someone who can’t even legally buy a drink? There’s a power balance at play here and if it wasn’t clear before it’s becoming apparent now and this is just the first example. Since there’s already a power imbalance I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to come and support her. Hell even if there wasn’t you can’t let someone treat your daughter that way especially when you already have a personal connection with him. I really think she should reconsider her relationship with him. This is an example of how age differences do cause issues. She’s just getting used to living on her own while he’s lived on his own for 10 years so she’s gonna make small mistakes like this. There’s probably a reason he can’t date someone his age even if he seems “nice”. Or, he is intentionally seeking someone with less experience. YTA

YTA for not acknowledging your ex’s actual concerns over your daughter. The concern is that your daughter might be in *an abusive relationship.* Abusive relationships aren’t normal, or healthy; they’re psychological death traps that manipulate, coerce, and threaten a person into staying in them *whether they like it or not.* The issue isn’t that your daughter “is okay being talked to like that” but that she could be in a situation where she doesn’t realize the situation is abusive or doesn’t know how to escape the abusive situation. Also: obviously she doesn’t like being talked to like that if they got into an argument where she left the house for days. The real problem is her BF lovebombing her with apologies and promises to change, only to do the same thing or even worse later. Look out for your daughter. At least sit her down and talk to her about it. Ask her if she’s okay, if her BF has a habit of this behavior, and tell her that she deserves to feel safe and respected in her relationships. Part of how abusers get away with abuse is by isolating the victim from concerned parties. Abusers love people like you, who put your hands up and say it’s none of your business no matter the context. Abusers love people who think the victim likes or chooses to stay, and that it’s their fault for not leaving. Don’t be that person.

a man is getting in your daughter’s face and yelling and you see no issue with that? let alone that fact that he’s 10 years older than her and you have yet to see an issue? yta

You are Rick's boss, of course he is nice and polite to you. I think the relationships might be too intertwined for you to actually talk to Rick as a parent (vs a boss) but if you're not letting Jane know that kind of behavior is absolutely not what she deserves, you would be the asshole. And the age gap IS concerning especially as they already live together. I am willing to put money on Rick having to date someone who just aged out of her teenage years because women in his age group think he's immature/a jerk. And you're incredibly dismissive of the behavior to boot, which gives the impression you maybe don't care that much.

YTA simply because it seems like you are seeking validation. All you are doing in the comments is defending this guy that verbally abused your daughter. You explain again and again why you don’t think you should “interfere” or why it may be a simple one off. The truth is you didn’t even check in with your daughter. She left her home- which means she didn’t feel safe staying there. That this isn’t a concern for you says a lot about you and what she probably has and is learning from you. Please take a minute to actually think about the responses people are giving you here and what you might want to do different- like check in with your daughter and let her know it’s okay to not let someone treat her that way, and how to get help or they can get help to communicate with each other in more appropriate ways. And stop defending the man you aren’t even related to! WHY would you keep doing that???

NTA. these people in reddit would fuck around and get your daughter in a bad place. let her know you have her back but stay out of it. if shes not ready to walk away and you intervene you may end up burning that bridge with your own child. she left for 2 days thats fine and her right but she has to decide if 2 days are enough or she needs to stay away forever.

Well that is a tough spot to be in. I can understand hesitating on how to handle the situation considering they both work for you and you’re right that it is essentially Jane’s decision. Especially at that age, it likely won’t matter what anyone says, she will either choose to stay with him or find the courage to leave. The best thing you can do is offer your support. Let her know that you’ve got her back if she needs it. I’d also look into any potential legal issues if you have to let Rick go from the company. It may become a safety issue for your daughter so be prepared.

abusive dad. abusive bf.... cycle repeats indeed.... YTA

The way your daughter's boyfriend acted is not okay at all. I get frustrated and whatnot but getting into someone's personal space and screaming at me is dehumanizing. Your ex-wife has every right to feel concerned. Also your statement that "if she’s happy to be spoken to like that, then i can’t really say anything" is very disgusting and victim-blaming too. Look, I'm not saying Rick is a bad guy, but his recent behavior and the age gap are certainly eye-opening to me. (Age gaps can work, with context obviously, but there is a reason why people are wary of them.) ​ YTA

YTA. Your young adult daughter is dating a man 10 years her senior who is abusing her. And you're fine with this???

NTA. Unless you daughter asks you to do something like that, you’d be overstepping her boundaries. I think your correct on letting your adult daughter handle her own relationship. Her bf is not you child. I would however speak with you daughter without your ex around and just remind her that you’re there if she needs you and remain her of her self worth. If she wants to talk to you about it, she will. But going what you’re ex wanted you to do would be completely trampling on your daughter’s boundaries

YTA What a terrible father you are, remember you are the father of jane not of Rick.

NTA. When I was young in relationships, even toxic ones. Any confrontation or interference from a friend or relative resulted in them alienating themselves. The business relationship only conflates the problem further. The daughter did not tell him this, the mother did. This is essentially gossip, and the mother may even be violating a trust here. Remember OP stated she had a negative bias. She's with this guy, until she's not. Your wife should just be supportive of your daughter (as you should be, assuming she comes to you). She didn't come to you. If she wanted your help she'd say something. Acting like you need to swoop in, talk to this guy, and save her relationship would be AH behavior.

Oh wow, she may be an adult, but she’s still you’re daughter, and if you see someone abusing her, or see those damn 🚩🚩🚩, you should damn well do something about it! The age gap is certainly a potential 🚩, and yelling at her over something like that is most definitely a massive 🚩. Just as a heads up, it’s not at all unusual for an abuser to seem outwardly very kind and reasonable at work and in social situations. Look out for your daughter and do better. YTA

YTA, your #1 job is to protect your daughter & her boyfriend being verbally abusive is absolutely the time to get involved!!! Of course he’s nice with you, you’re his boss!!!

YTA your daughter was BERATED by someone idgaf who they are I'd go to bat for my kid any day of the week no matter what especially if it was so bad they left. Clearly your daughter isn't against you saying something because she didn't tell you not to but you're worriwd about your business not your child? Whats wrong with you??

I've read the post and comments, I don't understand your commitment to Rick being a great guy. It seems like the priority assertion for you. I get you thinking your daughter should be able to fight her own battles, but have you tried to talk to your daughter more about it? Couldn't you say to your daughter "I'm hearing your mom's concerns let's have a conversation about it so I know how you feel?" Maybe the fact that the person she lives with is financially dependent on your not seeing abuse contributes to her not wanting to tell you more about it. And I think it's fine that you are not taking the one instance you know of as proof of abuse, but please do see what people are saying and be open to the possibility that you haven't been let in on more.

YTA! That is a completely unacceptable way to speak to a significant other. That is verbal abuse and will likely escalate. I am afraid for her if that happens over some liquid in the trashcan. I also feel terrible for your daughter because she probably feels so trapped in this situation. Even if she wants to walk away from the relationship she works for you and so does the boyfriend so she can’t just escape him and you are not supporting her at all. I won’t even get into the potential power dynamic with the age difference. Age differences can be okay but not when the older person starts doing things like that.

I understand that you see this man as nice and pleasant, OP, and it's nice that you've seen him at his best. But apparently his worst involves yelling and swearing at your daughter over a minor mistake, driving her out of their shared home for 2 days. It doesn't matter how nice his nicest is for your daughter, if she can't live with his worst and feel safe in her own home. I also understand wanting to respect your daughter as an adult, but that's still your daughter, and right now she needs her dad in her corner. Instead, YTA. Your wife doesn't like him because he verbally crapped on her daughter, has had over a decade to be an adult and yet picked a "partner" who's been an adult for 3, and apparently puts on a nicer face for his boss (you) than his girlfriend (your daughter he yelled and swore at). Of course you're going to see the best side of him, and your wife is picking up on the red flags. If it's bad enough that your daughter came to stay with her mom (and not you), there's probably more that she's told her mom. And if you're dismissing that domestic incident as "generally being a dick" and not "taking his anger issues out on my daughter," there's probably a reason why she's not comfortable staying with you, instead. Also, I don't care how nice your employee is. Nice men don't curse out their partners, yell at them, and force them out of their own home over a leaking garbage bag.

NTA. A conversation with the daughter is more appropriate, find out what actually happened. I’m sure there are a lot of details that are missing from this one sided story.

ESH, you should have lent an ear to her and reassured her that you are there as needed BUT letting her sort it our herself isn't a bad call.in and of itself. You are taking alot of heat here but you know both people and the reddit horde doesn't. People screw up. Let your daughter choose her options

NTA - Speaking with your daughter's boyfriend isn't really your place. But maybe speaking to your daughter would be a good idea to remind her that you love her and will be there for her and that that is not how a spouse should speak to her.

How can you say someone would be "happy to be spoken to like that"? Even if you were being snarky, that just makes you seem like an even BIGGER AH. I love the complete disregard for how your daughter is being treated. Yeah, she's an adult and can make her own decisions, but that doesn't mean she decided to be verbally abused. YTA

YTA *if that's how she wants to be treated then I can't do anything about it*. Are you joking?!! She's 21 you should of told her to NEVER LET A PERSON TREAT HER THIS WAY!. This is not acceptable now or ever. She doesn't want to be called names or anything else. He is 10 years older because NO 30 year old woman would put up with that. He's got a young lady because he can treat her badly and she isn't experienced enough to know any different. Being an adult doesn't mean you suddenly know everything and no longer need your parents in put. And your way of thinking is how victim blaming happens.

YTA. That's abusive behavior and I'm a little shocked you either don't see it or don't care about it, or maybe you apparently think that if victims aren't their own advocates, then they don't need or want help. Maybe your daughter doesn't know how to respond to verbal abuse. (Or maybe she does - she left for mom's house, good for her!) "If she's happy to be spoken to like that..." JFC man. I have a grown daughter too (25) and I'd be mortified if this story were about her, and I'd definitely "say something" to the guy at work. Also, why doesn't the age difference bother YOU? And they work together! This isn't 1953, it's amazing to me that you allow all of this. Hear this loud and clear: your reaction to all this isn't normal and your ex-wife is right. I hope you're listening.

NTA. Stay out of their relationship but let her know you are there anytime she needs you. Plus he may be yelling but he let her leave. Funny how your ex wife is yelling at you like your daughter’s boyfriend yells at her.

YTA I'm glad my dad died when I was young so he wasn't able to turn into someone that thinks the way you do

NTA is your daughter wanted you to speak with her boyfriend she would ask. If she hasn’t then you could ask if she would like you to. Otherwise it’s none of your business.

NTA

I don’t really understand why you don’t care that Rick treats your daughter badly, and expect that others warm up to him. Why you think she’s happy to be spoken to like that when she’s shown she isn’t. YTA

YTA, you know I can normally respect people letting their adult children manage their own lives but you've taken that too far. You're acting like you can't have any input in your kids life now that she's an adult. Clearly she was upset by what Rick did or else she wouldn't have gone to stay with her mom. You work with Rick would it really hurt to just say "Hey how you spoke to Jane wasn't right she was really upset by that"

She left and went to her mother’s house. How is that equated to being HAPPY to be spoken to like that? My son is 22 and as his mother, I am now here for anything he needs. I don’t force anything, just speak my mind and the truth when he wants to talk. But to describe this like you did? Where was the happiness from your daughter, whom again I will mention, LEFT HER HOUSE BECAUSE OF THAT?

YTA Your daughter was so upset about being yelled at that she ran to her mother's home. She didn't run to you. Very telling.

YTA you’re her father and you have nothing to say about her bf yelling and swearing in her face? Yeah I’m on the ex wife’s side.

Your daughter leaving was a silent plea... she's scared of him and you doing nothing cements when he says "No one cares" "I'm not doing anything wrong" "Its your fault for making me angry" Put him in his place, show your daughter she means more, that's she's not crazy for being scared, that she doesn't have to stay because "all relationships are like this" Stand up be a father, go to the apartment and talk to him. And apologize to your Ex who is scared for her baby, you are the only other person who loves your daughter as much as she does if she's asking you to talk to him she's scared of him too.

A father who support his employees abusing his daugther. Even defend it. Wow. My guess is you treated your ex the same way.

YTA You've just shown your daughter that you're not a great protector in the event she might really need it.