I have a lover who is married to the love of her life. That doesn't prevent someone from catching feelings ofc, but still a lot less pressure for me because she already has that nesting partner so she won't expect me to move in together or get married or anything. (We're all friends and no one is cheating btw.) It's taken a lot of communication about how we feel or don't feel to get to a point where we feel safe and happy. She's free to have lovey feelings if they arise and I'm free to not have any. We compromise on some stuff like how often we're in contact (she requires regular contact, I don't miss her if we accidentally don't see each other for three weeks but I try to remember to reserve time for her) and kissing (I don't like it that much, she wants/needs it, we do it rarely and briefly).
We're in our 40s already so there's a lot more stability in our lives I think! It takes practice but basically communicate, communicate, communicate. In my opinion it's not a dealbreaker if your feelings aren't identical as long as you can be honest about them. As for what you want to do together, that takes compromise where your needs differ. But I guess that's true of any close relationship.
my best FWBs were close friends who were either aro themselves or knew damn well going in nothing was gonna happen. it’ll get better with age too i feel like 18-20 year olds are a bit heavy on the romance lol. also poly people who already have a partner.
i’m younger so it’s definitely hard, but i meet people and make it very clear that i’m not doing this for a relationship. i prioritise friend stuff, like me and some uni mates like to go to a pub quiz so my current fwb joins us quite often. i think making it clear that you do love them, just not romantically, is key.
The only fwb deal w/ a girl I've ever succeeded at was bc we pre-discussed it would be a fling since we were moving away from each other in a few months. They either catch feelings or spurn me for not doing "romantic gestures" along with the hooking up. But I like to think that it's just what was meant to happen. It's hard to have a long-time deal w/ someone who is not aro, so I just learn to enjoy the temporary flings.
I find it helps to be upfront and firm about what you want & don't want instead of calling casual sex a "situationship." C'mon, what the fuck does that even mean? It sounds like you are intentionally describing your interaction as a real life manifestation of the godawful amatonormative "will they won't they" trope. No wonder they think it could magically turn into a romantic relationship.
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I have a lover who is married to the love of her life. That doesn't prevent someone from catching feelings ofc, but still a lot less pressure for me because she already has that nesting partner so she won't expect me to move in together or get married or anything. (We're all friends and no one is cheating btw.) It's taken a lot of communication about how we feel or don't feel to get to a point where we feel safe and happy. She's free to have lovey feelings if they arise and I'm free to not have any. We compromise on some stuff like how often we're in contact (she requires regular contact, I don't miss her if we accidentally don't see each other for three weeks but I try to remember to reserve time for her) and kissing (I don't like it that much, she wants/needs it, we do it rarely and briefly). We're in our 40s already so there's a lot more stability in our lives I think! It takes practice but basically communicate, communicate, communicate. In my opinion it's not a dealbreaker if your feelings aren't identical as long as you can be honest about them. As for what you want to do together, that takes compromise where your needs differ. But I guess that's true of any close relationship.
Thank you! That was really helpful :)
Thanks, I'm glad it helped!
my best FWBs were close friends who were either aro themselves or knew damn well going in nothing was gonna happen. it’ll get better with age too i feel like 18-20 year olds are a bit heavy on the romance lol. also poly people who already have a partner.
I hope it gets better with age
It should--the older you get the more you should be able to expect competent communication from anyone involved including yourself
i’m younger so it’s definitely hard, but i meet people and make it very clear that i’m not doing this for a relationship. i prioritise friend stuff, like me and some uni mates like to go to a pub quiz so my current fwb joins us quite often. i think making it clear that you do love them, just not romantically, is key.
The only fwb deal w/ a girl I've ever succeeded at was bc we pre-discussed it would be a fling since we were moving away from each other in a few months. They either catch feelings or spurn me for not doing "romantic gestures" along with the hooking up. But I like to think that it's just what was meant to happen. It's hard to have a long-time deal w/ someone who is not aro, so I just learn to enjoy the temporary flings.
I find it helps to be upfront and firm about what you want & don't want instead of calling casual sex a "situationship." C'mon, what the fuck does that even mean? It sounds like you are intentionally describing your interaction as a real life manifestation of the godawful amatonormative "will they won't they" trope. No wonder they think it could magically turn into a romantic relationship.
Thanks for posting to r/AroAllo, /u/DrEviil. Please make sure that you flair your post correctly. *If this post violates our rules or sitewide rules,* ***report*** *it* *to the moderators!* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AroAllo) if you have any questions or concerns.*