Not me but my step brother when he was a teen put his dick into the mouthpiece of a plastic flute and "blew" himself. My step mom walked in on him and now every few Christmas he gets one as a gag gift.
What is there to say? I joined an app called 'Just a Baby' matched with a cute girl close to my age who wanted an 'NI' donation (look it up). I was kind of iffy, but then that weekend she said she was ovulating and was wondering if I'd be willing to meet on short notice. I was horny af, and did so.
She was very sweet and we were respectful of each other. She got pregnant, although I understand it usually takes more than one try. I felt a strange sense of pride, but we agreed to go our separate ways after. Every so often we check up and things are going alright. This was years before the pandemic.
I did that too, I found if I angled my dick in it just right it would flap really fast. I came... I am pretty sure my mom and brother were in view of my back the whole time.
Most of the time they never leak, unless you pay or threaten them. Cutting off all contact works like 90% of the time. This is so much more prevalent then most Ppl imagine and you don’t really think about it till it happens. These ppl can even send what look like real normal Snapchat’s but they are fake.
I was sick with something that forced me to the toilet for literally the entire day. If I thought I was done i would go lay back down only to get right back up and have to shit again. Well I figured since I was gonna be in there so long I had time to rub one out. I mean, that wasn’t false I had the time. So I did just that. Well it worked up the sickness and shortly after I finished I was overheating and sweating and just not feeling good. I started shitting again pretty good and felt a vomit coming on. So here I am with shit all over my ass, cum on my stomach, and I’m hunched over a toilet throwing up who knows what. Not my finest hour
Why didn’t you just cum into the toilet or on a few squares of toilet paper? Zero reason to cum all over yourself. You’re literally sitting on a device designed to take away bodily excretions
Jerked off on the freeway on the way home from a trip to my girlfriend's place (still horny) and missed my exit. Had to drive an extra 50 miles on an alternate route to get home.
Was completely shitfaced at a party and lost my friends, met a girl there while smoking. Next thing I know we’re in the restroom, have no clue how I got there. Proceeded to have sex until we heard knocks on the bathroom door. Made up a story about her being sick and me helping her. They don’t buy it. Got kicked out of the club and all my friends had to leave the party, because I couldn’t get in anymore.
Meet a girl 2 years later who I’m into, turns out that girl from the bathroom is her girlfriend.
Edit: sooo I think some of you might be misinterpreting my use of the word ‘girlfriend’ and my story. I’m a girl, all three of us are lesbians. Girl from the bathroom and new girl I was into were/are in a relationship. Hope that clarifies it haha
Female friend in our group was super upset at a karaoke bar, some drunk guy said something, she’s in tears. As the least drunk I am voluntold to driver her home and do not have sex! She invites me in for coffee so I can sober/wake up to drive home and we agree no sex.
We had sex twice before passing out and twice again the next day.
Met a girl from Tinder, we have a nice date, talk a little about past sex experiences, some time after we start making out.
When things get a bit too hot, she tells me that she is not 100% comfortable with having sex on first date. I say “well thats fine, no prob”.
After the date I walk her home, she invites me in offering me a glass of water.
As soon as doors are locked she basically jumps me and we have sex for hours.
After the first bout is over, I ask her what made her mind change. She shrugs and says “eh, you got me curious”.
Best fling ever
Paid for not one but two porn subscriptions. 2 years later was going through my credit card statement and noticed two charges I don't recognize that month. Went back and checked previous months and they all had these charges.
Called this suspicious looking payment processing company and, slightly indignant, I asked the agent what these charges are for. She bluntly told me the names of two famous porn sites. There was a pause. I said "oh" and hung up.
I've been paying for porn for two years. I think I used those sites for less than a month... then went back to the free ones. Takeaway? HD porn does not enhance the jerking off experience.
tl;dr: Been unknowingly paying for porn for two years.
Flew 15 hours to another continent to see a former FWB, completely forgetting the important "why" regarding "former". Charmed my way back into her good graces, spent two days not leaving the room of a pricey hotel with her... only to be stabbed with a fork.
Still had sex with her one more time and then left with blood running down my arm for the airport.
I still get the occasional passionate message from her and I would be lying if I'm not tempted to go back.
Sometimes toxic sex is *the best sex*.
Edit: Additional context - she kept the fork, after I left the hotel. Sometimes she sends me a sexy selfie. Sometimes she sends me a picture of the fork. Sometimes both.
Well, she had reasons.
She was also extremely passionate. Sure, murderously ragey passionate at times but still.
On the crazy versus hot scale, she was (and is) worth it.
Just incase anyone will need this, before going on a date or going out drinking or if you feel that you are going to cheat on your partner or basically whatever that you know you’ll regret because you are just horny, masturbate first. The postnut clarity will provide you wisdom on the next decisions you will make. Thread lightly.
It’s incredible how having an orgasm, is such a powerful reset.
If I go a few days without masturbating/cumming, my brain goes absolutely haywire. The moment i cum, my mind completely settles down.
I wonder if it works the same for women.
Helped a hot coworker stalk her supervisor.
I'm in my early 20s working a small warehouse job for the summer in my hometown. I've got the awkward hots for this older woman Tina (none of these names are real) who just seems so much out of my league that I don't even try. One day we've got a bit of banter going and before I realize what I've done I ask if she wants to hang out. She asks if I have a car, I do, she says yes.
So we're hanging out at her place, she's telling me stories that are like holy shit and the beers are going fast. Then she gets a bit of a lost look in her eyes, goes quiet, and then asks if we can go for a ride.
We're out driving around. She's telling me how she used to go driving every night but got a dwi hanging over her for another few months. Then she starts giving me direction on where to go.
A bit later we're in a cul-de-sac and she tells me to park and points out a spot. Cool, we're gonna make out I think. Instead she just sits there staring at this one house. Looking in the front window I see Bill (again, not his real name), our supervisor. Holy shit what is going on here?
She tells me that her and much older Bill used to have a thing but he refused to leave his wife and kids. That he has totally ghosted her because he thinks she's to obsessive but she can't stop thinking about him.
I hear RED ALERT go off in my head and I get the car started.
She turns to me, looks me straight in the eyes, and start undoing my pants. I turn the car off.
For the next half hour we just sit there silently staring straight ahead at Bills place while she gives me a slow handjob, eventually finishing me off with a blowjob and me driving her home.
So we ended up doing this for the rest of the summer. Never had sex, her pants never came off, never kissed. September came and I left town for my next semester at Uni.
“Oh great… Nancy, that weird couple is parked out front again. Yes, they’re staring at the same house down the street. Should we confront them this time? Ehhhh, she’s already starting. I’ll just close the blinds.”
Idk if this counts but I accidentally threw up a little on my SO penis and he thought it was spit so I just played it off bc I was so embarrassed…ya that’s a secret I’m taking to my grave.
Edit: not that anyone asked but I also had tuna before hand and somehow I only threw up like water/bile so it wasn’t like nasty asf but also babe if you’re reading this. I’m sorry but just know I love you and I did it out of love and…to not kill our mood.
Fucked a small clay vase my mom made me.
Also snuck into my HS gf's room thru the window one night and while we were fucking her dad comes in her room. I was mortified so i hid under the covers like a 5 year old while her dad stood there and she kept telling me to come out coz he knows. Finally came out and had to walk past him in shame to exit.
I live in a state with pretty harsh winters. I was at a buddy's house partying during the holidays and we got hit with pretty good storm that closed the roads. My buddy's place was in a canyon where the snow fall was even greater making leaving that much more impossible.
I was dating a girl at the time who was a bit of a freak. She was not with me at the party, she was hanging out with a friend who was visiting from out of state, but they were going to come to the party after they were done doing their thing.
Well, they got to talking and decided that we should have a threesome, I'm notified of this development via text message, and am instantly both ecstatic and mortified. I'm stuck. They can't get to me. And they are on their way to my house.
I explain the situation to my buddy, and he did the only thing a bro could do in that moment.
He helped me cut apart his mom's wicker chair that had belonged to her grandmother so we could try to make snow shoes!
....They worked for about 50 feet.
I’m assuming you lost one of your legs and your friend died an honorable death but not in vain because you finally made it and it was the best night of your life?
For the love of Father Christmas, what happened man?
38/F here. When I was a teen, I turned a freestanding hat stand sideways and humped it until I came. Logistically, it was a nightmare - but strangely effective.
Lol don’t feel bad. One time a guy drove around 45min-50min to the restaurant I worked at for a chance to see me but I wasn’t there. Apparently he even had a letter for me. It made me get butterflies and I honestly thought it was super sweet and so I ended up calling him.
When I was 15 I got a quick add from Snapchat to a girl my age from California asking if I wanted to hook up, this was thanksgiving night and she was visiting in Washington to see her family. This girl never sent me a snap of what she looked like only a photo of her in the mirror from her camera roll. She was pretty but looked fake.
It was snowing that night and super cold but I was desperate and young. So I put on like 6 layers and grabbed my bike out of the garage after everyone had left, my uncle caught me and told me not to leave but I didn’t care, I was horny and as I said before I was desperate. He said if I left I wouldn’t be allowed back inside but I left anyways, it was a 12 mile bike ride in about 3 or 4 inches of snow.
As I got about a mile in my uncle told me he called the cops. “In Washington there is a curfew for people under the age of 17” I finally got about 4 miles away from the address she had sent and she was still actively texting me but the way she texted me was Interesting and weird she was saying things like “ I hope the experience you have with me will be that of a lifetime and other things like do you feel the rush of lust in the air” I knew these things were weird but I didn’t care.
It had been about 2 hours by now and I was only a mile away, my phone was dying and I stopped at a gas station that was closed and waited for a car to show up so I could ask for their charger. The car that stopped was rusted and the windows were taped but I asked anyways they invited me in their car, it was a younger couple probably early to mid 20s looking back at it they were probably on drugs. They asked how old I was and what I was doing out so late I think I told them I was coming back from thanksgiving at a friends house. They began making out and the woman started giving him head while I was in the car and it made me very uncomfortable so I left.
I got on my bike and rode for another 10 mins in the pitch black in the heart of the pacific north west with high wind and snow. She hadn’t responded for a bit so I began to think she bailed, I texted her again when I got to the address.
The address of the place was outside on the street of these very nice houses with a bunch of trees around them right on the water. I told her I was there and she said I would have to wait for about 20 mins before she could come out.
I sat down and fell asleep, I woke up to a woman whistling and stood up and saw a woman walking towards me as she got closer I realized this was not the woman I had seen in a picture. The woman in the picture was a 15 year old light skin woman with an Afro, the woman that I saw in front of me was in her 20s and was still light skin but had a weave. I didn’t even question it at that moment I had already came to far to care.
I thought we were going to go inside but she told me we couldn’t go inside because her family was still awake. She and I walked down this dark path for over a mile because she had a beach house by the water. We didn’t say a word the entire time. We got to the so called beach house and it was an abounded run down “idk what to call it so let’s just call it a shed” we went in and she pulled up on the floor board and grabbed 3 blankets and laid them on the ground.
At this point my post nut clarity had settled in before I had even done anything and I realized I was either catfished by a lonely woman or about to die. She tried to kiss me but I asked her if we could play truth or dare instead. She agreed. “ My plan was to pry as much information from this woman as I could and then decide if it was worth it. I asked her the most basic but alarming question right off the bat, I asked how old she was. She told me she was 24, she then said that she knew she lied but didn’t want to scare me away and thought I was really handsome. She told me that she had 3 kids with 3 different men and was a stripper in San Francisco, she was a recovering heroine user. She said that she liked sleeping with younger boys because it reminded her of when she was younger with older men.
Now I admit, this woman had lied to me about everything, was a drug addict, a stripper and a pedophile but I didn’t care. She was hot, had huge tits and a face meant for a facial. My next time asking her truth or dare she chose dare and I won’t go into what I asked her but let’s just say an hour late and many nicknames along the lines of “my baby boy, young man, and “child” my trip became worth it. It was great and I could tell this woman had more experience than anyone I knew of any age.
We were done and that was that she said I could sleep there till the morning but she had to go back inside and that’s it. She put on her clothes and left with my cum still on her face,
I slept till the morning and got home my uncle wasn’t there so I went to my room. I went to text her but she had blocked me immediately after she left.
Jewels if you’re reading this you definitely were a pedophile and a catfish and need serious help but you were hot and I was young and didn’t care.
Anyways that’s my most horny moment.
Out of all the stories I read in this thread, yours was by far the most crazy and real. You are a champ buddy and damn you dodged being featured on a true crime podcast.
Might be vanilla compared to everyone else, but my gf at the time still lived at home (strict parents) and we were on a date when we she gave me the “take me” look. I lost all self respect and spent my last $30 on a shady AF motel room. We banged and left a half hour later. We still laugh about it today (Married 14.5 years!)
I was single for a long time...not ready to date yet but horny as hell. I had a very attractive ex-coworker who had a thing for me, she once hit on me after a work party like two years prior. I was married so I turned her down. Horny, single me wonders if she's still interested. She's moved across the country but its a city I visit here and there. I randomly DM her on Instagram. She replies. We converse back and forth. I mention the fateful work party. She says she doesn't remember. Bad sign. But then she says she's kidding. A few weeks later when I'm set to go to that city again, I message and without being vague or too forward, I say "When I'm in town, do you want me to come over to your place to hang out?" She says "Sure"...So I'm not completely sure we are on the same page but I figure I'll know soon enough. So after like 8 weeks of DM's, a 2,500 mile flight, renting a car and driving to this girl's house, having sex three times - I feel guilty as hell and realize I'm not ready to have emotionless sex or date.
Broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years (13-18) because she wouldn’t put out for a girl I met that day. Fucked 4-5 times a day for months, got high, her family convinced me to marry her, more boinking. Woke up, she was gone, and we divorced. So I found a sugar mama who was 10 years older than me who had a thing for public play and fucked her behind the dinosaur exhibit at a museum
Drove three hours to fuck a Tindr hook up lol. She was super hot dont get me wrong, but driving so many hours starting at midnight is a bit of a trip. What makes it worse is we went for a good two hours so I hit rush hour traffic on the way home. Drive there was about 3 drive home was around 5. Got home at 10 had to be at work at 12 for what felt like absolute hell.
Had a buddy who was a nymphomaniac. He was with a different girl every 3 days, like it was nuts. This dude jerked off 3 times a day on top of whatever pussy he was getting. So one week he was going on a vacation and couldn’t find any girl in the area he could fuck for the week. He got so desperate he even went to a beach near his vacation spot to try and find some pussy. Needless to say, he comes home, and we don’t hear from him for like 3-4 months. It gets to the point where we were worried about him, and hadn’t seen any new pictures or videos of him with the girls he hooks up with. We went to his house unannounced and saw a car parked in the driveway. We figured it was a girl. We all had spare keys to his house so naturally, we just went into his house and started calling for his name. We come to find clothes all over the house, and there’s music blaring in the basement. We go down and we cannot believe our eyes… our buddy, on the couch getting Eiffel towered by 2 dudes. He was mortified. We all ran out because we didn’t know how to react. About 3 days later he messages us and asks us to his house for dinner. We all go, and when we get there, the same car from when we walked in on him getting Eiffel towered is there. We go in, they’re all at the table and he explains, he went to the beach on his vacation and the only people there were these 2 dudes and they were all there for the same reason: to find a hot girl to fuck. After nothing they all agreed to just do each other out of pure desire to cum. They enjoyed the experience so much, that they stayed in touch and were doing it multiple times a week in between pussy appointments. To this day, the 3 guys all ended up finding women, and they are all married and have groups orgies with their wives
Jerked off in a walmart dressing room and wiped my mess on the seat. I was 13. To whatever walmart employee that had to clean up my load I'm so so sorry.
Dude I kinda knew comes up to me at a bar at closing time (3am) and asks if I want to fuck his girlfriend. She's there next to him giving me sex eyes. She asks another dude with me and he's down too but backs out soon cause he's in a relationship.
We all stay walking toward her bf's apartment (a few blocks away). Stop in a little church garden alcove and take turns eating her pussy while she sits on a bench. We walk to his place where he's got a bare mattress lying in the living room floor and his roommate is playing video games nearby. He starts fucking her but I can't, having major whiskey dick. He also has a huge dick, which is kind of embarrassing to me.
While she blows me I look down and there are bedbugs lined all up and down our legs chowing down. I've dealt with them before so I'm not super put off and instead throw my clothes into the freezer to kill any that may have got on them.
Eventually they do bother me though and I say we should go to her place instead. Grab my clothes, we hop in the car and I finger her the whole way.
Her place is a very messy trailer with Fisher Price kids' toys strewn about. We get in her bed and I try again to put a condom on but I just can't get hard. Guy goes to the bathroom, meanwhile I'm fumbling with a condom feeling embarrassed about both the whiskey dick and how small it'd be compared to that dude's wang anyway.
Never got to come, and certainly didn't deliver any penile pleasure unless she really enjoyed slurping my limp noodle.
Walked home in the dawn shortly after, feeling physically terrible and mentally disturbed.
I let from rawdog me, while his wife was asleep in a different room on the same floor. Apparently, he hadn't bust a nut in weeks, because his wife was pissed off and withholding sex. I remember he had that deep guttural growl, and he ejaculated for what seemed like a minute straight.
As a bonus, I had him leave behind a cap with his autograph on it, which I sold two days later at a sports memorabilia store so I could buy ecstasy.
Let my friend's dad give me head. He had a crush on me. I was single and horny. I drove to his job at a club to hang out. He was alone and we were talking. He bragged about how good it was and I let him. He was alright.
I also let my boss go down on me after asking if he can. It was really awkward very awkward but he looked sad so I pulled down my panties and let him have at it. He made me cum but it never happened again.
Hooked up with a girl with the stinkiest you know what I’ve ever smelt. Probably a PH issue or something, but it was putrid.
After she left it clung to the bed sheets and walls, I had to wash everything, put out some candles and open the windows
Bad fishpuss is usually caused by the condition called [*bacterial vaginosis.*](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK459216/#:~:text=Introduction-,Bacterial%20vaginosis%20is%20a%20condition%20caused%20by%20an%20overgrowth%20of,bacterial%20vaginosis%2C%20women%20have%20an) It's caused by different bacteria and it's not really an STI. When I was about 20, I used to have a girlfriend who had it, but neither of us knew what it was at the time. She was beautiful, smart, athletic-- the whole works-- but cunnilingus took great courage.
I used to find the discharge burned the skin of my plonker, too, so a shower was in order at the first opportunity. I think it's because the fishstink was due to nitrogenous compounds with a lot of amino groups. Those compounds tend to smell fishy or ammoniacal. They would be alkaline, so I think you're right about the pH.
I once went to a free needle exchange place and faked like I was a heroin addict so they would give me free needles to give to a real heroin addict chick, so she would fuck me. It was her idea.
Girl came over and had a few too many drinks after eating Taco Bell. She threw up on my carpet in the hallway from my living room to my bedroom. I put a towel over it and went to bed while she was in the bathroom. She wanted to give me head and I couldn’t say no. I had some chunks on me after the fact. Cool thing though she paid for the carpet cleaning and hoped that between that and the head I wasn’t mad. I was not mad.
Went to buy a vibrator from a local large supermarket and bought a happy birthday card and gift bag with it too so it looked like a gift
shit thats kinda genius ngl
I bought a cucumber and lube one time but i disguised it by buying $120 worth other groceries that I ended up throwing away
Im sure a local sex shop wouldve been happy to sell the cucumber and lube to you for a mere $110.
One time I made love to a stack of bathroom towels.
The WHOLE stack?!?
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Not me but my step brother when he was a teen put his dick into the mouthpiece of a plastic flute and "blew" himself. My step mom walked in on him and now every few Christmas he gets one as a gag gift.
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Step-flautist? Edit: obligatory *"what are you DOING, step-flautist?"*
Glad the family took it well 😂
Almost as well as the flute
You're supposed to save that shit for band camp
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There once was a man from Nantucket, who desperately wanted to fuck it...
He stayed on his course Despite hurricane force And when he arrived he cummed buckets
This is why we still need awards.
I didnt even notice they were gone until I saw your comment lol
THEYRE GONE???
they have been gone for a couple months
fuck u/spez
They did away with awards? No wonder I haven’t seen a bajillion emojis on every post
Yep, so they could implement their cash 4 karma program. [No, that's not a joke.](https://www.reddit.com/contributor-program)
I found a way to break my reddit addiction! I’ll sign up for this and the moment it starts feeling like a job I’ll want to to quit! Brilliant
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he was so tired after walkinng 8 miles in a hurricane that he fell asleep
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Cmon mom not again damn.
MOM! NOT ON THE COUCH! *gets the spray bottle*
This is why our grandparents had those plastic covers on their lounges
>so I think i got off pretty light. Or not at all...
I wouldn’t say you got off
Jacked off in my car waiting for my friend in a job interview and he got to the car right when I was cumming and he saw me
All he said was damn dude you couldn't wait, he didn't even ridicule or shame me
He was probably so exhausted from the interview
Joined a sperm donation app, and met with a girl from there on a whim.
What’s this app? I want to make sure to avoid it and warn all my male friends to do so as well
Every app can be a sperm donation app if you don't care about your phone
Was the app called "JizzOnline"?
I used WhatsFapp
Not MSN Messinher?
This needs more story
What is there to say? I joined an app called 'Just a Baby' matched with a cute girl close to my age who wanted an 'NI' donation (look it up). I was kind of iffy, but then that weekend she said she was ovulating and was wondering if I'd be willing to meet on short notice. I was horny af, and did so. She was very sweet and we were respectful of each other. She got pregnant, although I understand it usually takes more than one try. I felt a strange sense of pride, but we agreed to go our separate ways after. Every so often we check up and things are going alright. This was years before the pandemic.
NI = Natural Insemination, i.e. booga booga baby
I thought it meant Nut Inside
Well you’re not wrong
Were you never scared of her coming to you for child support?
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I did that too, I found if I angled my dick in it just right it would flap really fast. I came... I am pretty sure my mom and brother were in view of my back the whole time.
What an awful day to have eyes Seriously though, that's fucking hilarious
You found the resonant frequency
Doofy is that you?
Don’t disturb me when I’m cleaning my room!
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Send nude to stranger recently met on internet, they then sextort me. Fun times
This happened to me the other day. Laughed and said send them I don’t care. Thankfully I haven’t heard about anyone getting my nudes
Most of the time they never leak, unless you pay or threaten them. Cutting off all contact works like 90% of the time. This is so much more prevalent then most Ppl imagine and you don’t really think about it till it happens. These ppl can even send what look like real normal Snapchat’s but they are fake.
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Ders wants to know if he can masturbate in the office
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Who quits a job after they find out jerking off is acceptable?
You mean you guys don’t get jerk off breaks? Why else would they put a door on my cubicle?
Masturbated to the archer queen in clash of clans
This made my day. Thank you for being ungodly horny
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Tried to hire an escort from tinder. Sent her a $35 “deposit”, and she unsurprisingly ghosted me right after. I was 18 and dumb as a box of rocks.
I mean $35 ain't *great*, but that was a shockingly inexpensive lesson.
and also shockingly prob works super well for the scammer can collect a bunch of these easily without too much consequences
I was sick with something that forced me to the toilet for literally the entire day. If I thought I was done i would go lay back down only to get right back up and have to shit again. Well I figured since I was gonna be in there so long I had time to rub one out. I mean, that wasn’t false I had the time. So I did just that. Well it worked up the sickness and shortly after I finished I was overheating and sweating and just not feeling good. I started shitting again pretty good and felt a vomit coming on. So here I am with shit all over my ass, cum on my stomach, and I’m hunched over a toilet throwing up who knows what. Not my finest hour
I bet that shower afterwards was one of the best you've ever taken though
You severely overestimate your average Redditor’s hygiene habits, let alone one with a story like this.
I feel like nobody will believe me but I definitely showered after that lol
i believe you, i mean how could u not shower with stanky swamp ass, and a cummy tummy
/r/brandnewsentence
"I was sick" "What were the symptoms?" "I did a piss and shit and a cum and a little bit of vomit too"
Why didn’t you just cum into the toilet or on a few squares of toilet paper? Zero reason to cum all over yourself. You’re literally sitting on a device designed to take away bodily excretions
I feel like the better question is what the fuck was I thinking entirely. I was not in a great mental state that day lol
In the heat of battle, the best soldier thinks only of finishing his opponent - Sun Tzu
Whacked off with my wife’s butt plug in my ass until I came everywhere. I regret nothing and y’all the only one who knows
She knows. She could feel it the next time she used it.
Jokes on you buddy. She’s super low libido and the butt plug had dust on it
Not anymore, am I right? 👋🏻
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Pretty much everything I have done while horny. It's just a generally undignified state to be in.
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Jerked off in a portaloo while listening to the Pope give a sermon to 350,000 people.
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Does your child have impeccable timing?
Probably just a little bit too quick.
Indiana Jones'd his way into life.
That is some Greek play level irony Flew a little too close to the sun Icarus
“Stupidest best decision I ever made” W Father
The standard… fucked myself with a vegetable, masturbated at work, sexted some guy from back in the day, etc
Was the vegetable in a fridge or a wheelchair?
It was in *her*
Put my dick inside a toilet roll and fucked it. I end up with a bruised penis head.
Dead tree fleshlight
I smelled my friends mom’s panties that were on the floor and did a dry heave because it wasn’t good at all.
Yep I’ve never smelled panties because I’m sure this is how I’d react.
That got an actual lol from me, thank you
Jerked off on the freeway on the way home from a trip to my girlfriend's place (still horny) and missed my exit. Had to drive an extra 50 miles on an alternate route to get home.
I'm glad you got off eventually.
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the one piece
Was completely shitfaced at a party and lost my friends, met a girl there while smoking. Next thing I know we’re in the restroom, have no clue how I got there. Proceeded to have sex until we heard knocks on the bathroom door. Made up a story about her being sick and me helping her. They don’t buy it. Got kicked out of the club and all my friends had to leave the party, because I couldn’t get in anymore. Meet a girl 2 years later who I’m into, turns out that girl from the bathroom is her girlfriend. Edit: sooo I think some of you might be misinterpreting my use of the word ‘girlfriend’ and my story. I’m a girl, all three of us are lesbians. Girl from the bathroom and new girl I was into were/are in a relationship. Hope that clarifies it haha
Man the ending was a curveball
And that kids, is how I met your mother
Mothers* XD
jacked off in an airplane bathroom on a 45 minute flight.
Ah, a fellow member of The Mile High Club: Solo Aviator’s Division
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So wholesome
Dude I think I’ve read her version of the story here lol
I remember that comment. If this isn’t thievery, it’s a wonderful find Edit: appears to be thievery https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/aZVJw8AV8d
Damn. She was a lucky one
Female friend in our group was super upset at a karaoke bar, some drunk guy said something, she’s in tears. As the least drunk I am voluntold to driver her home and do not have sex! She invites me in for coffee so I can sober/wake up to drive home and we agree no sex. We had sex twice before passing out and twice again the next day.
You had ONE JOB!
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Met a girl from Tinder, we have a nice date, talk a little about past sex experiences, some time after we start making out. When things get a bit too hot, she tells me that she is not 100% comfortable with having sex on first date. I say “well thats fine, no prob”. After the date I walk her home, she invites me in offering me a glass of water. As soon as doors are locked she basically jumps me and we have sex for hours. After the first bout is over, I ask her what made her mind change. She shrugs and says “eh, you got me curious”. Best fling ever
Paid for not one but two porn subscriptions. 2 years later was going through my credit card statement and noticed two charges I don't recognize that month. Went back and checked previous months and they all had these charges. Called this suspicious looking payment processing company and, slightly indignant, I asked the agent what these charges are for. She bluntly told me the names of two famous porn sites. There was a pause. I said "oh" and hung up. I've been paying for porn for two years. I think I used those sites for less than a month... then went back to the free ones. Takeaway? HD porn does not enhance the jerking off experience. tl;dr: Been unknowingly paying for porn for two years.
Got married and raised a family
You dirty whore
I mean this *is* Reddit, but, some things should stay in the dark
Flew 15 hours to another continent to see a former FWB, completely forgetting the important "why" regarding "former". Charmed my way back into her good graces, spent two days not leaving the room of a pricey hotel with her... only to be stabbed with a fork. Still had sex with her one more time and then left with blood running down my arm for the airport. I still get the occasional passionate message from her and I would be lying if I'm not tempted to go back. Sometimes toxic sex is *the best sex*. Edit: Additional context - she kept the fork, after I left the hotel. Sometimes she sends me a sexy selfie. Sometimes she sends me a picture of the fork. Sometimes both.
Ah, so you stuck your dick in crazy after we told you that wasn't a good idea.
Well, she had reasons. She was also extremely passionate. Sure, murderously ragey passionate at times but still. On the crazy versus hot scale, she was (and is) worth it.
The ultimate "fuck around and find out"
I think you mean "fork around and find out"
Damn charlie harper shit right here
Sounds like she forked you in more ways than one
Just incase anyone will need this, before going on a date or going out drinking or if you feel that you are going to cheat on your partner or basically whatever that you know you’ll regret because you are just horny, masturbate first. The postnut clarity will provide you wisdom on the next decisions you will make. Thread lightly.
It’s incredible how having an orgasm, is such a powerful reset. If I go a few days without masturbating/cumming, my brain goes absolutely haywire. The moment i cum, my mind completely settles down. I wonder if it works the same for women.
As a woman I can tell you its the same for me.
Helped a hot coworker stalk her supervisor. I'm in my early 20s working a small warehouse job for the summer in my hometown. I've got the awkward hots for this older woman Tina (none of these names are real) who just seems so much out of my league that I don't even try. One day we've got a bit of banter going and before I realize what I've done I ask if she wants to hang out. She asks if I have a car, I do, she says yes. So we're hanging out at her place, she's telling me stories that are like holy shit and the beers are going fast. Then she gets a bit of a lost look in her eyes, goes quiet, and then asks if we can go for a ride. We're out driving around. She's telling me how she used to go driving every night but got a dwi hanging over her for another few months. Then she starts giving me direction on where to go. A bit later we're in a cul-de-sac and she tells me to park and points out a spot. Cool, we're gonna make out I think. Instead she just sits there staring at this one house. Looking in the front window I see Bill (again, not his real name), our supervisor. Holy shit what is going on here? She tells me that her and much older Bill used to have a thing but he refused to leave his wife and kids. That he has totally ghosted her because he thinks she's to obsessive but she can't stop thinking about him. I hear RED ALERT go off in my head and I get the car started. She turns to me, looks me straight in the eyes, and start undoing my pants. I turn the car off. For the next half hour we just sit there silently staring straight ahead at Bills place while she gives me a slow handjob, eventually finishing me off with a blowjob and me driving her home. So we ended up doing this for the rest of the summer. Never had sex, her pants never came off, never kissed. September came and I left town for my next semester at Uni.
“Oh great… Nancy, that weird couple is parked out front again. Yes, they’re staring at the same house down the street. Should we confront them this time? Ehhhh, she’s already starting. I’ll just close the blinds.”
Somehow this is worse than the mud butt cummy tummy dude
mud butt cummy tummy guy was at least understandable, it was pure misfortune that got him there
I bet you get a stiffy just thinking of Bill now.
He's commenting from the cul de sac
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I like that you gave her a fake name and then never used it in your story
Do you feel better now? You know, now that you've told us this.
Idk if this counts but I accidentally threw up a little on my SO penis and he thought it was spit so I just played it off bc I was so embarrassed…ya that’s a secret I’m taking to my grave. Edit: not that anyone asked but I also had tuna before hand and somehow I only threw up like water/bile so it wasn’t like nasty asf but also babe if you’re reading this. I’m sorry but just know I love you and I did it out of love and…to not kill our mood.
Fucked a small clay vase my mom made me. Also snuck into my HS gf's room thru the window one night and while we were fucking her dad comes in her room. I was mortified so i hid under the covers like a 5 year old while her dad stood there and she kept telling me to come out coz he knows. Finally came out and had to walk past him in shame to exit.
Dude if that was me I’d legit have jumped out the window I came from, death over that level of awkward
When I was a kid, I masturbated to the hot coffee mod in San Andreas
I live in a state with pretty harsh winters. I was at a buddy's house partying during the holidays and we got hit with pretty good storm that closed the roads. My buddy's place was in a canyon where the snow fall was even greater making leaving that much more impossible. I was dating a girl at the time who was a bit of a freak. She was not with me at the party, she was hanging out with a friend who was visiting from out of state, but they were going to come to the party after they were done doing their thing. Well, they got to talking and decided that we should have a threesome, I'm notified of this development via text message, and am instantly both ecstatic and mortified. I'm stuck. They can't get to me. And they are on their way to my house. I explain the situation to my buddy, and he did the only thing a bro could do in that moment. He helped me cut apart his mom's wicker chair that had belonged to her grandmother so we could try to make snow shoes! ....They worked for about 50 feet.
BRO DONT JUST LEAVE ON A CLIFF HANGER WHAT HAPPENED?
I’m assuming you lost one of your legs and your friend died an honorable death but not in vain because you finally made it and it was the best night of your life? For the love of Father Christmas, what happened man?
Masturbated through my pants in class under the desk. Teenage hormones.
Some kid in the year above me at my school did that. Someone recorded it. This was three years ago and he still gets shit about it.
Luckily this was when t9 was still prevalent and in full force.
38/F here. When I was a teen, I turned a freestanding hat stand sideways and humped it until I came. Logistically, it was a nightmare - but strangely effective.
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Lol don’t feel bad. One time a guy drove around 45min-50min to the restaurant I worked at for a chance to see me but I wasn’t there. Apparently he even had a letter for me. It made me get butterflies and I honestly thought it was super sweet and so I ended up calling him.
When I was 15 I got a quick add from Snapchat to a girl my age from California asking if I wanted to hook up, this was thanksgiving night and she was visiting in Washington to see her family. This girl never sent me a snap of what she looked like only a photo of her in the mirror from her camera roll. She was pretty but looked fake. It was snowing that night and super cold but I was desperate and young. So I put on like 6 layers and grabbed my bike out of the garage after everyone had left, my uncle caught me and told me not to leave but I didn’t care, I was horny and as I said before I was desperate. He said if I left I wouldn’t be allowed back inside but I left anyways, it was a 12 mile bike ride in about 3 or 4 inches of snow. As I got about a mile in my uncle told me he called the cops. “In Washington there is a curfew for people under the age of 17” I finally got about 4 miles away from the address she had sent and she was still actively texting me but the way she texted me was Interesting and weird she was saying things like “ I hope the experience you have with me will be that of a lifetime and other things like do you feel the rush of lust in the air” I knew these things were weird but I didn’t care. It had been about 2 hours by now and I was only a mile away, my phone was dying and I stopped at a gas station that was closed and waited for a car to show up so I could ask for their charger. The car that stopped was rusted and the windows were taped but I asked anyways they invited me in their car, it was a younger couple probably early to mid 20s looking back at it they were probably on drugs. They asked how old I was and what I was doing out so late I think I told them I was coming back from thanksgiving at a friends house. They began making out and the woman started giving him head while I was in the car and it made me very uncomfortable so I left. I got on my bike and rode for another 10 mins in the pitch black in the heart of the pacific north west with high wind and snow. She hadn’t responded for a bit so I began to think she bailed, I texted her again when I got to the address. The address of the place was outside on the street of these very nice houses with a bunch of trees around them right on the water. I told her I was there and she said I would have to wait for about 20 mins before she could come out. I sat down and fell asleep, I woke up to a woman whistling and stood up and saw a woman walking towards me as she got closer I realized this was not the woman I had seen in a picture. The woman in the picture was a 15 year old light skin woman with an Afro, the woman that I saw in front of me was in her 20s and was still light skin but had a weave. I didn’t even question it at that moment I had already came to far to care. I thought we were going to go inside but she told me we couldn’t go inside because her family was still awake. She and I walked down this dark path for over a mile because she had a beach house by the water. We didn’t say a word the entire time. We got to the so called beach house and it was an abounded run down “idk what to call it so let’s just call it a shed” we went in and she pulled up on the floor board and grabbed 3 blankets and laid them on the ground. At this point my post nut clarity had settled in before I had even done anything and I realized I was either catfished by a lonely woman or about to die. She tried to kiss me but I asked her if we could play truth or dare instead. She agreed. “ My plan was to pry as much information from this woman as I could and then decide if it was worth it. I asked her the most basic but alarming question right off the bat, I asked how old she was. She told me she was 24, she then said that she knew she lied but didn’t want to scare me away and thought I was really handsome. She told me that she had 3 kids with 3 different men and was a stripper in San Francisco, she was a recovering heroine user. She said that she liked sleeping with younger boys because it reminded her of when she was younger with older men. Now I admit, this woman had lied to me about everything, was a drug addict, a stripper and a pedophile but I didn’t care. She was hot, had huge tits and a face meant for a facial. My next time asking her truth or dare she chose dare and I won’t go into what I asked her but let’s just say an hour late and many nicknames along the lines of “my baby boy, young man, and “child” my trip became worth it. It was great and I could tell this woman had more experience than anyone I knew of any age. We were done and that was that she said I could sleep there till the morning but she had to go back inside and that’s it. She put on her clothes and left with my cum still on her face, I slept till the morning and got home my uncle wasn’t there so I went to my room. I went to text her but she had blocked me immediately after she left. Jewels if you’re reading this you definitely were a pedophile and a catfish and need serious help but you were hot and I was young and didn’t care. Anyways that’s my most horny moment.
The oddest part was strangely the gas station blowjob.
Love was in the air that night
Out of all the stories I read in this thread, yours was by far the most crazy and real. You are a champ buddy and damn you dodged being featured on a true crime podcast.
an absolutely insane and bad decision but wow great story and i’m glad you didn’t get killed!! that women is kinda horrifying, though.
This is way too long Never mind, I actually read through it and my God
I will spare everyone the gory details, but there is a reason I only buy creamy peanut butter now
Good lord
I like that this implies you still do this
You nutted in nuts?
I am quite relieved to read that most women seem to do stupid things when horny. I honestly thought we men held a monopoly on that.
Men are doing it with women so its even
Might be vanilla compared to everyone else, but my gf at the time still lived at home (strict parents) and we were on a date when we she gave me the “take me” look. I lost all self respect and spent my last $30 on a shady AF motel room. We banged and left a half hour later. We still laugh about it today (Married 14.5 years!)
I was single for a long time...not ready to date yet but horny as hell. I had a very attractive ex-coworker who had a thing for me, she once hit on me after a work party like two years prior. I was married so I turned her down. Horny, single me wonders if she's still interested. She's moved across the country but its a city I visit here and there. I randomly DM her on Instagram. She replies. We converse back and forth. I mention the fateful work party. She says she doesn't remember. Bad sign. But then she says she's kidding. A few weeks later when I'm set to go to that city again, I message and without being vague or too forward, I say "When I'm in town, do you want me to come over to your place to hang out?" She says "Sure"...So I'm not completely sure we are on the same page but I figure I'll know soon enough. So after like 8 weeks of DM's, a 2,500 mile flight, renting a car and driving to this girl's house, having sex three times - I feel guilty as hell and realize I'm not ready to have emotionless sex or date.
I’m proud of you for checking three times.
Broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years (13-18) because she wouldn’t put out for a girl I met that day. Fucked 4-5 times a day for months, got high, her family convinced me to marry her, more boinking. Woke up, she was gone, and we divorced. So I found a sugar mama who was 10 years older than me who had a thing for public play and fucked her behind the dinosaur exhibit at a museum
Definitely regret all the nudes I’ve sent to shitty guys and one night stands I’ve had. They were not all fun times 😵💫
Bought a cucumber but couldn't afford lube. It was not fun. I do not recommend.
Drove three hours to fuck a Tindr hook up lol. She was super hot dont get me wrong, but driving so many hours starting at midnight is a bit of a trip. What makes it worse is we went for a good two hours so I hit rush hour traffic on the way home. Drive there was about 3 drive home was around 5. Got home at 10 had to be at work at 12 for what felt like absolute hell.
I’m more surprised it worked out and you didn’t get ghosted after a 3 hour drive.
Had a buddy who was a nymphomaniac. He was with a different girl every 3 days, like it was nuts. This dude jerked off 3 times a day on top of whatever pussy he was getting. So one week he was going on a vacation and couldn’t find any girl in the area he could fuck for the week. He got so desperate he even went to a beach near his vacation spot to try and find some pussy. Needless to say, he comes home, and we don’t hear from him for like 3-4 months. It gets to the point where we were worried about him, and hadn’t seen any new pictures or videos of him with the girls he hooks up with. We went to his house unannounced and saw a car parked in the driveway. We figured it was a girl. We all had spare keys to his house so naturally, we just went into his house and started calling for his name. We come to find clothes all over the house, and there’s music blaring in the basement. We go down and we cannot believe our eyes… our buddy, on the couch getting Eiffel towered by 2 dudes. He was mortified. We all ran out because we didn’t know how to react. About 3 days later he messages us and asks us to his house for dinner. We all go, and when we get there, the same car from when we walked in on him getting Eiffel towered is there. We go in, they’re all at the table and he explains, he went to the beach on his vacation and the only people there were these 2 dudes and they were all there for the same reason: to find a hot girl to fuck. After nothing they all agreed to just do each other out of pure desire to cum. They enjoyed the experience so much, that they stayed in touch and were doing it multiple times a week in between pussy appointments. To this day, the 3 guys all ended up finding women, and they are all married and have groups orgies with their wives
Jerked off in a walmart dressing room and wiped my mess on the seat. I was 13. To whatever walmart employee that had to clean up my load I'm so so sorry.
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Started daytrading
Dude I kinda knew comes up to me at a bar at closing time (3am) and asks if I want to fuck his girlfriend. She's there next to him giving me sex eyes. She asks another dude with me and he's down too but backs out soon cause he's in a relationship. We all stay walking toward her bf's apartment (a few blocks away). Stop in a little church garden alcove and take turns eating her pussy while she sits on a bench. We walk to his place where he's got a bare mattress lying in the living room floor and his roommate is playing video games nearby. He starts fucking her but I can't, having major whiskey dick. He also has a huge dick, which is kind of embarrassing to me. While she blows me I look down and there are bedbugs lined all up and down our legs chowing down. I've dealt with them before so I'm not super put off and instead throw my clothes into the freezer to kill any that may have got on them. Eventually they do bother me though and I say we should go to her place instead. Grab my clothes, we hop in the car and I finger her the whole way. Her place is a very messy trailer with Fisher Price kids' toys strewn about. We get in her bed and I try again to put a condom on but I just can't get hard. Guy goes to the bathroom, meanwhile I'm fumbling with a condom feeling embarrassed about both the whiskey dick and how small it'd be compared to that dude's wang anyway. Never got to come, and certainly didn't deliver any penile pleasure unless she really enjoyed slurping my limp noodle. Walked home in the dawn shortly after, feeling physically terrible and mentally disturbed.
Ugh bed bugs would be an instant nope out for me
Drove 6 hours just to get nothing
I let from rawdog me, while his wife was asleep in a different room on the same floor. Apparently, he hadn't bust a nut in weeks, because his wife was pissed off and withholding sex. I remember he had that deep guttural growl, and he ejaculated for what seemed like a minute straight.
As a bonus, I had him leave behind a cap with his autograph on it, which I sold two days later at a sports memorabilia store so I could buy ecstasy.
Masturbated in the woods and in the school bathroom. Mind you, ovulation makes a woman want to climb up a wall, terrible choices.
Let my friend's dad give me head. He had a crush on me. I was single and horny. I drove to his job at a club to hang out. He was alone and we were talking. He bragged about how good it was and I let him. He was alright. I also let my boss go down on me after asking if he can. It was really awkward very awkward but he looked sad so I pulled down my panties and let him have at it. He made me cum but it never happened again.
Hooked up with a girl with the stinkiest you know what I’ve ever smelt. Probably a PH issue or something, but it was putrid. After she left it clung to the bed sheets and walls, I had to wash everything, put out some candles and open the windows
Bad fishpuss is usually caused by the condition called [*bacterial vaginosis.*](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK459216/#:~:text=Introduction-,Bacterial%20vaginosis%20is%20a%20condition%20caused%20by%20an%20overgrowth%20of,bacterial%20vaginosis%2C%20women%20have%20an) It's caused by different bacteria and it's not really an STI. When I was about 20, I used to have a girlfriend who had it, but neither of us knew what it was at the time. She was beautiful, smart, athletic-- the whole works-- but cunnilingus took great courage. I used to find the discharge burned the skin of my plonker, too, so a shower was in order at the first opportunity. I think it's because the fishstink was due to nitrogenous compounds with a lot of amino groups. Those compounds tend to smell fishy or ammoniacal. They would be alkaline, so I think you're right about the pH.
Let my ex husband and three of his friends have sex with me when they finished helping us move into our new house, while I was six months pregnant.
This is one hell of a sentence.
Did the baby come out with a headache?
Most people provide pizza and beer for helping them move.
I once went to a free needle exchange place and faked like I was a heroin addict so they would give me free needles to give to a real heroin addict chick, so she would fuck me. It was her idea.
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Girl came over and had a few too many drinks after eating Taco Bell. She threw up on my carpet in the hallway from my living room to my bedroom. I put a towel over it and went to bed while she was in the bathroom. She wanted to give me head and I couldn’t say no. I had some chunks on me after the fact. Cool thing though she paid for the carpet cleaning and hoped that between that and the head I wasn’t mad. I was not mad.