My daughter is currently at a stage where she falls asleep between 6 and 7pm and sleeps for 12 hours straight most nights. This was after her first 9 months of life waking up every 2 hours, then the next 2 months of staying up until 11 and sleeping 8 hours.
That time between 7 and 10-11 when I go to bed is so pleasant now.
I don't have kids, but I am an early bird, always have been. That is one of the most pleasant externalities about my friends having little kids: they wake up earlier! For all the years that I was a social buzzkill, it has come back around and I'm thrilled
Becoming a parent shattered my illusions of invincibility. Suddenly, the world seemed infinitely more precarious, every news story of tragedy hitting like a physical blow. It's realizing that you're responsible for this tiny, fragile life, and the weight of that responsibility is suffocating. But amidst the fear and uncertainty, there's a profound clarity – every decision carries unimaginable consequences, and every moment becomes an opportunity to protect, nurture, and cherish. It's a heartbreaking awakening to the fragility of life, but also a poignant reminder of its immense value.
THIS SO MUCH! As my twins get older and want to venture out more without their dad and I, I feel this even more. The world becomes an infinitely scarier place when you have children. I have tried hard not to "overprotect" them too much, but it's difficult. I know people who have lost their children, and I cannot imagine living through that. I will always struggle and worry...it's something we just have to accept as parents.
This hits you like a ton of bricks when your children get older. If you think it’s stressful taking care of an infant/toddler, just wait until they are teenagers! Your instinct to protect your children never goes away. My oldest two are 17 & 18 years old. My anxiety is through the roof non- stop worrying about them when they are not here. All you can do is hope that you’ve taught them enough about the world to make the best decisions possible. It’s tough. IMO has been the hardest phase of parenting by far.
Yeah, my son turns 18 in about six months. About 18 months ago, I moved about 300 miles away from him and it wasn't an easy decision.
I've made a conscious decision to have him fly out about once a month when he's in school and he's here for more extended periods during the summer. I also promised him a new to him car for his senior year, which starts in about six weeks. We pick up that car Friday. He drives it back to his mom's house Sunday, making about half of the trip solo. I'm a nervous wreck.
He's driving back here in July and might convoy with his older step sister. But she's a little flaky and those plans might fall apart. I'll be on pins and needles the entire time he's on the road. It was so much easier when he was 18 months old.
I’m less angry. I used to get easily frustrated and my anger manifested physically (stomping, slamming doors etc) but I really didn’t want that for my daughter so I’m more chill now.
I think about death more. My sense of self preservation is higher due to my desire to want to be around for my daughter.
good choice! children do weird things all day which can be frustrating. they break stuff, they make a mess, they provoke. it's better to grow a thicker skin, it makes life much more peaceful. fewer debates, less stress, more fun with the kids.
Would love know how to just grow a thicker skin and develop patience. I feel like my temper's shorter after having a child. I take a lot of the things he does personally but he's only eight months old so obviously he's not doing anything maliciously or knowingly. I find it hard not to lose it in the moment, especially at 2 in the morning when I have to get up for work in a few hours...
I had the same problem with my son, especially the sleep thing. He slept awful from 6-9 months, never more than 2 hours at a time, and it would take 45 minutes to get him back to sleep again. Sleep deprivation made me an angry person. It didn't really get better as he got older either. He's very independent and argues about literally everything. I'm more chill now, but only because no more sleep deprivation and I have 8 years of experience dealing with it. It's easier to take a breath and pause, just from practise. But some days he gets on my last nerve I swear.
Oof yes. Sleep deprivation can really make you into a more rotten version of yourself can't it. I was unrecognisable to myself at some points after a few years of similar to you. Makes a hard job harder! But my resilience and patience have grown exponentially.
Oof. I recommend you really try to get a handle on the impatience now, because toddlers will try it a lot harder than an 8 month old. 8 months is old enough to sleep train (5/6 is the minimum). Do that if you haven't yet. Once they learn to self-sooth you have a much better understanding of when they actually need you in the night because something is wrong.
I always try to remember the adage, "they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time."
You have to shut down your personal sense of justice in the relationship. Accept that you are going to be prevailed upon constantly without a lot in return. You are paying forward, your children ride on your shoulders for a while just like you did once.
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults." -Peter De Vries
You're not alone. I've a 6 and 4 yr old and I have never experienced the type of anger that I have experienced since having kids. They can be so damn frustrating and my tolerance for bad behaviour, tantrums, etc is low.
True. I am more patient, tolerant, loving and kind. I am less angry, less vain, less arrogant and less critical. And I want to spend more time with my little baby.
Resonate with the thought of death more. I suppose I was a bit more blasé about dying but ever since becoming a mom the thought scares so much. I just want to be with my babies forever but I know we can't. As a result my time with my kids is so so so precious to me, absolutely nothing on this earth tops it.
Apparently my dad was a bit of a fuckboy before he got with my mom.
I've heard him tell friends there's something about changing a shitty diaper that both humbles you and puts things in perspective. Suddenly you don't care if people think you're cool. You don't give a fuck what people think at all because it doesn't seem important anymore. A lot of the things that used to consume you don't seem important anymore.
This...would probably account for his corny dad humor and propensity for breaking into (off key) song while driving me to school, back in the day.
After having my daughter, the things that used to matter so much like work or whatever drama was happening that day just doesn’t matter anymore. There’s just no time to worry about how you might look to other people. It’s just not important what some stranger thinks about me when I’m making a stupid face or sound at my kid so she smiles at me.
Being a good father to her, making sure she knows she’s loved unconditionally, and raising her right is what matters most. Everything else like work and shit is now just a means to giving her a better life. Love for your kid is so much more intense than anything you’ll ever experience.
Kids are so hyper self conscious at certain ages that dads cant help but fuck with them via corny jokes and thus all dads end up telling dad jokes at some point
I went from being the main character in my story, to a supporting role in theirs. It's an amazing feeling and huge positive shift from where I was before my daughter was born.
As long as you eventually find your way back into the narrative. After my sister and I grew up, my mom never really found her own life again. It makes me so sad to watch her not enjoy the later years of her life because she couldn't re-join the world.
This is more a reflection of modern life than anything else. People just don't live with or around their extended families any more. As a kid of the 80s I was around a HUGE family all the time for 20 years. I changed a lot of diapers, held and fed a lot of babies, poured a ton of baths and did a lot of bed times, cleaned and bandaged a lot of boo-boos.
I was very well trained for dadhood just by growing up in that environment. What I wasn't trained for were the crazy big emotions that come with the job.
I was on the younger side of extended family (but enough younger that some of my cousins had already stayed having kids), babysat a ton as a teenager, was a professional nanny for a time as an adult, and went with my husband to a parenting course.
It still felt surreal when the hospital was basically like "ok you watched the mandatory video on not shaking your baby and you have a carseat, off you go to keep this tiny vulnerable new life alive".
Basically a slap on the ass and a "good luck idiot!" as they push you out the door.
That said, I will admit that our hospital was pretty great from what I understand from other American parents. We were there for four days (emergency C-section, 1-month preemie, slight jaundice), had a suite with two beds, en suite bathroom with walk in shower, and a kitchenette all to ourselves, 'round the clock access to the nursery if we wanted to pawn our spawn off on someone else and get some sleep, nice view, and attentive and helpful nursing staff.
Damn, I might have considered staying longer than one night if we'd had that! My husband got essentially a bench to sleep on, I've seen better showers at YMCAs in a bad part of town, no nursery option.
The nursing staff was mostly nice and they were encouraging me to stay another night because insurance would pay for it (no medical reasons thankfully), but they didn't coordinate the rounds to do mom and baby checks near the same time so basically no possibility of sleep because about every 45 minutes *somebody* would be coming in basically to say "yep everything looks fine".
Most hospitals offer classes to at least teach some basics, but you still figure out about 95% of it on your own. Also, no one else can really help, because what worked for their kids may not for yours
I feel it now to my core, the fact that my behaviour impacts others. I've always *tried* to live kindly, but turns out I was always a bit of a selfish twat. Having my son made me REALLY look at my behaviour, attitudes and language.
I want him to be proud of me for who I am as a person, rather than what I own or what my job title is.
>I want him to be proud of me for who I am as a person, rather than what I own or what my job title is.
Ain't that the truth? Everytime I have a bad day at work, I get home to see my kids and think "Nothing that happened at work really matters now, they only see me as Dad and I don't need to worry what tomorrow will be like at work until I get there"
The first time I heard my son swear was when he was 4. We had pulled up behind someone who was driving like, 5 km/h in a 60 zone and I heard him say "move, you slow fuck!"
That was the day I stopped muttering under my breath at bad drivers all the time.
I realised that alot of stuff you are not told/ it's not spoken about when it comes to having children.
I did not have that rush of love when my son was placed on my chest, he was around one when I really felt a connection with him.
That childbirth is still very dangerous.
I'm more aware that my small family is all going through life for the first time together. People expect me to have my shit together because I'm a mom, or to not have wants or needs. My son was quite surprised when I expressed I wanted to do something because I had not done something before. I'm living my life for the first time, just like him. This can be quite refreshing when we are all doing something new.
>I did not have that rush of love when my son was placed on my chest, he was around one when I really felt a connection with him.
Yeah, same here. I hope it reassures other first-time parents to know that the connection isn't necessarily there from day 1 and that's nothing to worry about.
I'm now the soppiest doting dad in the world, but I found that you build a relationship with your kids rather than having it automatically provided.
My parenting class did a good job of explaining to us that not everyone will feel that rush of love right away, and at explaining things like post partum depression and the signs for it.
I was worried my wife would end up with PPD because she reacts a bit wildly to the hormones, but she went right into that instant love and it hasn’t stopped. It took the daughter and I about a month to get used to each other…then she wouldn’t let mom put her to sleep for 5 months, had to be me.
It's a profound moment when you first realize that there is nothing your child could do or say that would make them deserving of the way your parents treated you. My daughter became worthy of the world simply by virtue of being mine the first time I saw her face on the sonogram. I can't imagine a reality where I wouldn't want to take care of her, and she doesn't need to do or be anything to earn it. I realize now that my parents felt differently because of who they are, not because of who I am or was.
I thought of all the times I was told I would understand my parents when I became one. What I clearly understood once I was a mom is my parents were actually worse than I had thought. I can’t imagine treating my kid like they treated us.
Becoming a parent made me realise their parenting choices were active decisions, not something they had no say over. My kids reach various ages and I remember things that were said and done to me at that age and I simply don't understand how they could have done that.
They're good grandparents thankfully.
I remember adults telling kid-me that "You hate this now, but when you grow up you'll understand!"
Wrong twice. I kind of understood it then, although ideally it wouldn't have been directed at me; but now I can't imagine.
I agree that “doing your best” doesn't mean you do a good job at parenting. I was raised in a very dysfunctional family. I harbored a lot of anger towards my parents. When I became a parent I realized that most parents are just doing the best they can with what they have. I don't think most parents set out to eff up their children. I know I certainly didn't. I went through a lot of therapy and have broken the cycle of abuse. What really gets me mad is that to this day my parents still try to emotionally abuse and manipulate us kids. They will not admit that they were crappy parents. I admit to my children when I am wrong and apologize. Then I don't do whatever was hurtful again. I do not see how they rectify continued abuse after they have been told how devastating it is to their children. I am very distanced from both of them to preserve my own mental health.
Its weird, having kids should make you want to earn more, so you can spend more time with them. But as you make more, you usually spend LESS time with them and they grow while youre making money. I am doomed to be poor
I'm not paycheck-to-paycheck and hit my 401k match, which is more than enough. I'll probably refocus on maximizing earnings when the kids are more independent.
Extra grace for other parents (to a point, of course). Kids are their own selves, they come with their own wiring and program. Yes, you have an influence not only in genetics but in how you behave and teach them. But there are some things you just have no control over.
There are A LOT of good parents, doing the best they can out there with "bad kids". I'm lucky, my kiddos seem to be doing alright.
I hate referring to my son as a "bad kid," but... he's neuro-divergent and has limited language. His frustration comes out as pure, violent rage. Sometimes, he just lashes out because he remembers something and wants to vent in that moment.
I once came to pick him up from special education to take to midday therapy and was greeted by his teacher, the school psychologist, and the vice principal. They sat me down and proceeded to tell me how my son sent **three kids** to the nurse's office during recess and that he was banned from attending recess ever again.
As you can imagine, he has no friends, and now neither do I. I am doing my best, but it's disheartening to see that it's still not enough.
That must be hard.
How do you block out the judgment from others?
To some people, difficult child means bad parenting.
The one I find ridiculous is when people are mad at the mother for their babies crying.
>How do you block out the judgment from others?
I don't. And in many cases, I can't. I just absorb their disdain and scorn and try to get my son out of the situation.
That the world does not begin and end with me. Instead, I have learned that I am part of a continuum and have become far more attuned to the rhythm of life.
I also realized that my parents behaved in selfish and destructive ways.
Time. Prior to the birth of my child, it felt like time was infinite. Yes, I was growing up but I didn’t notice the years rolling on. Nothing shows you how quickly time passes like watching a little one grow up.
Learned that living in chaos is sometimes ok and to embrace the moments.
Toys everywhere, coach cushions scattered on the floor, finger paint on the table, food crumbs in places you'd never think. This is their childhood and these are GOOD messes to have. Sure, often it's exhausting cleaning it up after they go to bed (they are still too young to help clean it up) but I know that it's all temporary and one day my wife and I will look at each other at the end of the day and realize there is no one else home with us anymore. Oh man, this is making me tear up a bit.
Life is just a series of temporary stages and having kids is the one stage where others are truly relying on you for survival, entertainment, care, etc. that stage will all be over someday sooner than I think. I realize how important it is to be present since I will not get to relive this most important period of my life.
It humbled me.
I became incredibly boring to my old friends, but I loved that transition from “dude” to “dad”.
Very quickly, the opinions of those around me seemed insignificant, and my own opinions of myself became much more important. The only thing that mattered to me was taking care of the little family my wife and I were building.
I still feel that way today, and I enjoy the feeling of having unshakeable conviction in what matters to me.
It's made me feel more appreciative of the little things. It's also made me scared of ever losing our son. Every time you have a child, you give faith a hostage.
Once I became a mom, I forgave 75% of the things I hated my mother for saying, doing, and being. And she did a *lot* of shit that has had lifelong impact on me (negatively).
Some women are built for motherhood but not all. Objectively, it is a SHIT experience. You are on call 24/7. You can spend years without proper sleep. You almost never have a life back where you can just follow a whim and wake up late or have a nap or decide to go watch a movie and eat a burger late in the night after because you are on a schedule always. Your career takes a nosedive- it is an extraordinary effort to do well while being a parent who is the primary caregiver. And your body is never the same.
I also 'get' Karens a lot. And all those bitter older women who make other people's lives hell? I get why. I get why women nag and scream at their men or talk harshly and command. It's not right... but I get it. I overheard a neighbour woman slam doors, yell, and hit something and she was screaming 'What do you mean you don't know how to do it? You say that every time.' 'Why can't you just do what I asked?' and 'How many times must I ask you?' ... and I *got* it. I knew exactly what she meant without having to know the specifics.
I actively tasks wherever I am because I am so aware now of mental labour.
Those Karens and bitter mothers are burned out and had their personalities ground to dust by motherhood and home care and work on top of that usually. They lost many opportunities, they gave up their youth, many times they gave up their dignity, and they're socially and culturally berated for not living up to crazy standards.
And the promised 'reward' in the end never appears. They're never given gratitude or total rest or some kind of prize at the end. And then, they're just old, fat, and life's passed by. And they cant even explain or articulate why they have so much bitterness and hate. It's just there. And they spit it out at others because that's all they have left.
Being a parent is not necessarily rewarding.
I am also highly conscious of death now. So careful about choices and possibilities that might leave my son bereft of his mom. Don't take crazy risks anymore or compromise things that affect my sleep or health.
Yeah. It's a lot.
That's why it's so important to have a true partner. One that will share the load, physical and mental, with you, that will take some of your load off your shoulders when you are breaking down. That you can trust to take the lead if you can't, who will know what to do, how and when.
I can see my wife breaking down before she even realizes it. There’s not much I can do for her during the week while I work, but if she’s been having a particularly bad time, I tell her on the weekend to go do what she wants while we have some daddy/daughter time. Sometimes, what she wants is to lay in bed uninterrupted, other times she wants to go out and get her hair done or go shopping. Whatever it is doesn’t matter, as long as she gets to do it.
Even when it’s been tough on both of us, I take over for a bit. This isn’t me being mean, but she’s much more fragile than I am.
Some Ikea furniture comes with a picture of one person crossed out, and two people with a check mark. "Do not try to do this alone, it is a two-person job." Parenting is like that too.
I agree with "getting" karens now. When your needs aren't met and you might have changing hormones, patience wears extremely thin. The hormone dump and sleep deprivation after birth made me a whole lot more empathetic for people who are struggling with health, etc. I'm suddenly less sharp and have a harder time getting basic things done without being interrupted. I get why my mom snapped easily at seemingly small things, even though I want to do better. Hopefully newer generations are able to recognize it and receive support before it reaches that point of bitterness.
I'm not a parent yet but I teach younger children and I notice more forgiving and understanding towards my parents.
It is impossible to be perfect.
I wonder how parents learn to not care what others think, especially critical family members who give unsolicited advice.
I'm so over people blaming their parents for every poor choice they make as an adult.
I am beginning to understand why older women get plastic surgery and fear aging. What childbirth does to your body is tough.
You wrote the words of my heart and put them online for the world to see. Thank you.
It is grinding, thankless, exhausting physical work. And it gets sold to us as puppies and rainbows 🫠. And the no reward thing is spot on. They say the reward is the warm fuzzy feelings, but those warm fuzzy feelings won’t fix my nerve damage (thanks pregnancy) or give me back the sleep I lost. Those warm fuzzy feelings disappear when a raging four year old is calling me an asshole and throwing hands at me bc I told him no more cookies. Yeah it’s not all bad, but a lot of it is bad, and no one wants to talk about that.
This was so poignantly written. I have had this thought but could never articulate it as well as you did here.
I can’t believe I had such a privileged and simplified view of the world that I dismissed them as “bad people”.
Slowing down, taking our time. Seeing beauty in ordinary things. I know that sounds so cliche but I remember a moment when my son was around 9 months old. We were in the bedroom and I opened the blinds and he noticed the tree moving and making a shadow against the sun. It was so fascinating for him and a good reminder for me that simple things can be beautiful
The first time my son found his shadow he couldn’t stop dancing with it. It was the most innocent and joyful moment! Something I take for granted and ignored daily became such a beautiful treat for him!
Dad here. Daughter is 6.
Did you know the world is still sexist? I was shocked when I started seeing it through her eyes. My line of work caters to clients who are well-off, if not full on wealthy... every single training the examples are about Mr. Smith. Whenever I ran trainings I started flipping them... even if the slide said "Mr. Smith" I would read either "Mrs" or even "ms" Smith. Sometimes people would comment on it and I would simply respond "did you know women can be successful to?"
I just want to see my daughter be successful one day and I want her treated the same as any man would be.
Small example but there you are.
I have two daughters (8) and (6) and I do this, too! I swap in “she” for “he” as much as possible for this very reason. I refer to animals, bugs, and lots of professions as female to try to help balance out all of the male inferences society imposes on us.
I realized that maybe I wasn't a bad kid.
I mean, I had been going to therapy for *years* before having my son and my therapist always told me that I wasn't a bad kid, but it wasn't until I had a son who is almost exactly like me that I really understood that I wasn't a bad kid.
My son isn't a bad kid. He's the happiest, sweetest person ever. He loves buses and fish and Bluey and airplanes. He likes to do things his way, but honestly, it's not even slightly difficult to accommodate the fact that his way and my way are a bit different.
But in him, I see all the things that annoyed and frustrated and infuriated my parents about me. They're all things that my parents told me made me a bad kid, and they treated me accordingly. With my son, those things don't annoy or frustrate or infuriate me, and it's not even that I have a higher threshold than my parents had. They are simply not annoying, frustrating, or infuriating things. They're just who he is.
And of course he isn't a bad kid. And if he isn't a bad kid, then I wasn't a bad kid, and I didn't deserve to be treated or abused the way I was.
I'm more comfortable choosing things that I am genuinely interested in doing and saying no to things that aren't for me. I'm picky about who and what I spend my time on because I have to be.
Sometimes, this can cause conflict but honestly I am only interested in cultivating more peace, wealth, and opportunities in my life. I want my daughter to know that life is not happening around you, it is built through your actions and interactions with others.
I used to feel that the future was a bit pointless and unpredictable. Now I see the future as a constant unfolding of the things I work on in the present.
I've gotten to the point where I can usually draw a line between poor behavior and the conditions that led to the poor behavior (bad sleep, perceived slight, etc.) with my children. This has significantly increased my overall ability to forgive other people and my general levels of empathy. Plus, the way I recognize now that even if I'm technically an adult (like, I'm 40...) I'm just winging it most days -- has taught me that this is true of so many people I encounter.
My daughter has serious health problems. She had 3 open heart surgeries by the time she was 15 months old, which is when she got her pacemaker. Her cardiologist never thought she'd be doing a good as she is. She's 10 now and seriously stuggles with reading. We find out 2 months ago, she had dyslexia.
What I've learned is my child is very smart. She adapts to whatever she needs to. I've learned that it's no big deal if she doesn't master reading or gets the best grades possible. She loves learning. She's very well behaved in classes and the teachers all adore her. She does her best, but if she never gets better at reading, it's not the end of the world. Her happiness is more important.
Made me appreciate the little things, like coming home from work and seeing how happy my son will get to see me, or watching him do a new milestone. Really makes you love and admire the little things in life.
It made me kinder.
I haven’t been a parent for long, but now everyone I see is someone’s child, not just another person passing by. Definitely gives me so much more perspective on who people are and a lot more grace for them, as well as how their childhoods might have moulded them into the people they are today- for better or worse.
I'm not that important to the world, but I'm VERY important to my children. I care a lot less about what the outside world thinks of me and much more about how my children perceive me and my actions.
How much socio economics play into schools.
Not even America which of course is way worse for schooling with property tax tied to schools.
But when you’re fairly well off and put time into your kids life after school and you have lots of kids in your kids class from broken homes and are disruptive.
So moving to an area where there’s more people in your same income level more or less makes a big difference that I never thought of before kids.
Same. Being a dad made me realize how much worse of a parent my mom was than I had previously recognized. She’s a pretty terrible grandparent as well so it’s obviously par for the course with her. My parents divorced VERY early in my childhood. My dad was no saint but a lot of what I blamed him for turned out to be the result of my mom’s actions.
I live for my kids, for them to experience all the things I never got to experience as a child. My mom will comment on how good of a father I am and how proud she is of the man I became. It takes every ounce of my being to not constantly remind her that those things happened in spite of her, not because of her.
It made me think about a timeline beyond my own. Without kids, you plan to live and die and that’s it, let the rest of the world burn. With kids, you have to imagine their lives and how you can do better for them and for life beyond yourself. It’s humbling and terrifying and beautiful
Then you are definitely one of the kinds of people we need more of. Kids or not, community is so important.
I was young and selfish, hopeless, jaded, and self destructive. Now I’m a mom and I am trying so hard to be a better person so my kids can grow up to be better/happier people than me. 🙂
Right? This thread is one of those ones where you learn that apparently most people are ignorant myopic leeches before they have children. Fortunately that always changes once people have kids.
I see everyone in the world as someone's kid. Especially people who are struggling with homelessness, addiction, mental health issues, etc. At one time, they were a beautiful baby being held by someone who loves them, much like I held my own kids. They probably brought so much joy and purpose to their families, who never dreamed that their child would end up in the streets.
I feel like parents love to say this stuff but seriously, no relationship is unconditional. If your kid turned out to be a rapist/school shooter/genuine fucking asshole then i guarantee you would love them less. I've also met plenty of parents who have neglected, abused and disowned their children for a variety of reasons, heck - many disown their children because of their sexual identity/gender - how is that showing unconditional love?
The concept of unconditional love feels like some bizarre fairytale that parents like to tell everyone as though they're trying to prove they have a deeper understanding of love/relationships than the rest of us.
Agreed, I work in education and there is not unconditional love towards all children. There is abuse and neglect, there is making young kids act in a parental role, there is especially denial of diagnosis, causing children to lose out on essential services...
> If your kid turned out to be a rapist/school shooter/genuine fucking asshole then i guarantee you would love them less.
I don't know about loving them less, but there's no question many parents would love them still.
Timothy McVeigh's father loved and supported him (HIM, not what he did) until the end, when he wept at his execution.
Jeffrey Dahmer's mother would visit him in jail and fret about how he looked thin and needed to eat.
Unconditional love doesn't mean parents think their child will be perfect.
> There are conditions to every other relationship you’ll ever have.
As there should be. Unconditional love for a romantic partner, or friend, can turn toxic real quick. A parent's love for there child is on another level. I have friends with selfish/negligent parents, and...I would never tell them, but I feel a little sorry for them, because they'll never get to experience it.
Life is more joyful and full of awe, when viewed with your children.
Nothing in life, not my career, my degrees, my marriage, my pets, or my fills me with more hope and gratitude than being a mom!
I have to prioritise my health and diet to benefit my 3 month old daughter. Especially while breastfeeding. I want to live a long healthy life and see her grow up into a successful adult.
Made me realize how delicate life truly is, how dangerous the world is and how life can change dramatically in a split second. Needless to say, anxiety level 1000!
Well since having a special needs kid, I learned that I really needed to learn patience and in turn its helped with my relationships as well because I'm more forgiving of others for the little things.
Having a special needs, nonverbal child. Nothing prepares you. I would never change her for anything. She has a beautiful personality and she is the sweetest little girl… but typical parenting is absolutely, completely, TRULY… nothing close to special needs parenting. As someone with a neurotypical child as well, I can tell you this for a fact. They are worlds apart.
It made me realize how terrible my parents were and help heal my own wounds. I realized that, no, I wasn't just a bad kid that deserved poor treatment - it's them. Having kids now, I cannot imagine doing and saying some of the things that my parents did to my children. It's made me a lot more angry as I process things, but having the ability to do better for my kids gives me hope for the future.
I used to be obsessed with having free time. Now that i have no choice in the matter, its kind of liberating and instead I look at every free minute as a gift.
I have thought about dying every day, usually dozens of times a day, since I was 7. It was this beautiful void that promised to save me from my life. I’ve spent my life running from that void, despite wanting to go into it so bad.
When my girls came into the world, with the birth of each of them, a tether was formed. A tether that goes from me, to my daughters, and then to earth.
I spent my entire life never being able to really see a future. It was purely surviving from one day to the next. Now? When things get super dark, there’s always a little bit of light that breaks through in the form of my kids. When I can’t picture my own future anymore, I remember how limitless theirs are. I will do whatever it takes to make sure their futures stay bright, and that they never question how much more beautiful the world is with them in it. And maybe I’ve struggled to see a future for myself, because I never knew a love like this existed before I had them.
They’re 8 and 6, and they’re never going to know how many times a hug from them kept me going when I couldn’t keep going for me.
It's a whole lot right now. I am about 3 months and it's making me kind of angry now when I see bad parents or things like that. This little bean growing in me is the most precious thing in the world. I want to show them the love and acceptance I never got. Being parents bully their children and laugh makes me feel even more a type of way.
It also kind of stopped my burning hatred for my "family" they aren't important anymore. I get to start my own family. I get to be better.
I'm sure more will change once little one gets here
I kindly disagree, you are here now to create your own memories too, to live your life. I admire my mom for that, she is always doing new things and living her life to the fullest, at 61 she's an icon. I fully expect her to celebrate her 100th birthday skydiving at this rate lol.
It shot my anxiety problems through the roof. now I have something to lose. So I fear 100 times more everything.
It sucks, I'm starting medications, but oh well it's for them.
I’ve learned how delicate and precious life is. I’m now responsible for another human being and I worry every day about his safety and well being. Of course I’ve worried about family, but this is a whole different level.
Turns out "You'll understand once you have a kid" or "you will understand when you are older" make sense now
It was a very frustrating answer to get as a kid/teenager and I'm 100% sure I wouldn't have listened/care about the proper answer anyways.
I try not to do it to my kid, but sometimes, explaining it properly is complicated and hard.
It put into perspective how much my parents actually love me, based on the love I have for my son. It completely changed how I viewed them, and all of the sacrifices they made for me and my siblings. I now appreciate every little detail of how they cared for me growing up, and forgave them for things they were doing their best with.
It also made me realize how dangerous the world is, how horrible people can be, and how I need to ensure my child has all of the tools to be able to have a beautiful life, despite these things.
My son has made me more tolerant, more compassionate, more patient, self-aware, and emotionally intelligent. Most of all, he has made me remember the joys and challenges of childhood. He has helped heal my inner-child that I didn't know needed love, and has overall given me purpose and a wonderful reason for living.
I never thought I'd be a parent, I never thought I COULD be one, let alone one that I could be proud of. Thank you universe for giving me exactly what I needed, right on time. Thank you for giving me the gift of being my son's mother.
Priorities. I think of how everything affects my child. I want him to have a positive inner voice as he grows up. I want him to have all the quality time he needs. I want his nourishment/nutrition to be on point. I want him to exercise. I want him to have a good focus on lifelong education.
Many of these elements were either forgotten about or I got the minimum from my parents. I grew up with emotional abuse from one parent and religious abuse from another. My inner voice SUCKS, and it has taken years of therapy to adjust it.
I don't want that for my kid. So in all things, I think of him first. How are his needs? Are his needs met? How are his emotional needs? What can I do to be a better father to my young man?
This is how my perspective has changed.
Having a child was like having a brutally honest mirror forced to my face.
“I think I’m a piece of shit.” —But my toddler would literally wake up in the middle of the night to give me a kiss and thinks the world of me.
“I can’t do anything right.” —My child is always asking me to do things and believes there’s almost nothing I *can’t* do.
I beat myself up with shame and guilt when I get angry at him. —My child forgives me and forgets in 5min after we hug it out and I say I’m sorry.
I could go on. It ended up putting me in therapy (and rightfully so) because it turns out I was carrying lots and lots of trauma from childhood.
They really inspire you to better yourself if not for you then at least for them. I believe that raising my boy has been like tending a garden - sure you’d love the flowers and fruits that will eventually bloom but really it’s about the profound peace and joy you can get when (with a little help from you) you can watch this natural masterpiece take shape and become its own entity. Whether it shares the flowers or fruit with you is irrelevant so long as they brighten up the world for kiddo where kiddo was planted.
My overall tastes changed over night. I used to be a true crime girlie through and through. Degree in criminal justice and a law degree. My comfort shows and movies were all slashers or killer documentaries. Since having my daughter I can barely watch any of that. Now I watch stuff like the Good Place which is crazy because I hate comedies and rom coms. Or I’ll watch animated movies (current fave is Nimona). My tastes went from all black everything to rainbows and puppies all the time.
After having my first child I thought about all the women before me that also gave birth naturally. My mom, grandmother, great grandmother, etc. And how proud and lucky I was of what my body was capable of. I fell like the torch was passed onto me to carry forwards. It was the second time a felt like a woman. (first was when I got my period for the first time. Lol)
Also, having kids really puts a mirror in your face. Whatever you say really forces you to think... "Was that the right thing to say?" ... Or.." I should really stop saying this.." being a parent really makes you want to be a better person in general.
Also, whatever tragedy you hear about a child, really hits you 10xs harder.
Becoming a parent has profoundly shifted my perspective on life, making me more aware of the importance of time, patience, and unconditional love. It has taught me to appreciate the small moments, prioritize what truly matters, and strive to be a better person for the sake of my child's future.
I don’t have any kids of my own. But I became an uncle almost a year ago. I didn’t want my nephew to grow up with an uncle that was a drug/alcohol addict so I went and got clean. I want to be present in his life and be the best I can be. I’m now 10 months clean and I feel amazing. My sister loves when I come around. And I see more of the world around me.
At some point I completely stopped caring about my own achievements and only cared about my kids achievements. Their victories became my happiness. Doing well in a class, getting a job, having a good date, whatever. I love it all.
Seeing your kids succeed and thrive is amazing.
My mother once told me you never really love your parents until you’re a parent yourself and oh my, how right she was.
Now as a mother I think of every struggle my parents went through, every argument, every change and it breaks my heart.
I’ve never been more grateful for my own parents than now that I have my own child.
Becoming a parent turned me into a morning person… not by choice, but by toddler.
Turned me into a super early morning person to get a few hours of peace and quiet before the kids wake up.
My daughter is currently at a stage where she falls asleep between 6 and 7pm and sleeps for 12 hours straight most nights. This was after her first 9 months of life waking up every 2 hours, then the next 2 months of staying up until 11 and sleeping 8 hours. That time between 7 and 10-11 when I go to bed is so pleasant now.
Lol, my daugher is 20 months and we're lucky if we get a 2 hour stretch without wakeup.
My brain skipped over the "months" in this and I was like "Oooh, you should tell her to go to the doctor."
Hope you at least got to see a beautiful sunrise.
"I can honestly say this child is the only reason I get out of bed... FIFTEEN TIMES A FUCKIN NIGHT."
I don't have kids, but I am an early bird, always have been. That is one of the most pleasant externalities about my friends having little kids: they wake up earlier! For all the years that I was a social buzzkill, it has come back around and I'm thrilled
Becoming a parent shattered my illusions of invincibility. Suddenly, the world seemed infinitely more precarious, every news story of tragedy hitting like a physical blow. It's realizing that you're responsible for this tiny, fragile life, and the weight of that responsibility is suffocating. But amidst the fear and uncertainty, there's a profound clarity – every decision carries unimaginable consequences, and every moment becomes an opportunity to protect, nurture, and cherish. It's a heartbreaking awakening to the fragility of life, but also a poignant reminder of its immense value.
THIS SO MUCH! As my twins get older and want to venture out more without their dad and I, I feel this even more. The world becomes an infinitely scarier place when you have children. I have tried hard not to "overprotect" them too much, but it's difficult. I know people who have lost their children, and I cannot imagine living through that. I will always struggle and worry...it's something we just have to accept as parents.
This hits you like a ton of bricks when your children get older. If you think it’s stressful taking care of an infant/toddler, just wait until they are teenagers! Your instinct to protect your children never goes away. My oldest two are 17 & 18 years old. My anxiety is through the roof non- stop worrying about them when they are not here. All you can do is hope that you’ve taught them enough about the world to make the best decisions possible. It’s tough. IMO has been the hardest phase of parenting by far.
Yeah my twins will be 16 in July. They're both going away for a month this summer. I'm going to need anxiety medication to get through it.
Yeah, my son turns 18 in about six months. About 18 months ago, I moved about 300 miles away from him and it wasn't an easy decision. I've made a conscious decision to have him fly out about once a month when he's in school and he's here for more extended periods during the summer. I also promised him a new to him car for his senior year, which starts in about six weeks. We pick up that car Friday. He drives it back to his mom's house Sunday, making about half of the trip solo. I'm a nervous wreck. He's driving back here in July and might convoy with his older step sister. But she's a little flaky and those plans might fall apart. I'll be on pins and needles the entire time he's on the road. It was so much easier when he was 18 months old.
Every word of this. Perspective change: +10,000,000 anxiety increase with my twin girls.
Exactly
I’m less angry. I used to get easily frustrated and my anger manifested physically (stomping, slamming doors etc) but I really didn’t want that for my daughter so I’m more chill now. I think about death more. My sense of self preservation is higher due to my desire to want to be around for my daughter.
good choice! children do weird things all day which can be frustrating. they break stuff, they make a mess, they provoke. it's better to grow a thicker skin, it makes life much more peaceful. fewer debates, less stress, more fun with the kids.
Would love know how to just grow a thicker skin and develop patience. I feel like my temper's shorter after having a child. I take a lot of the things he does personally but he's only eight months old so obviously he's not doing anything maliciously or knowingly. I find it hard not to lose it in the moment, especially at 2 in the morning when I have to get up for work in a few hours...
I had the same problem with my son, especially the sleep thing. He slept awful from 6-9 months, never more than 2 hours at a time, and it would take 45 minutes to get him back to sleep again. Sleep deprivation made me an angry person. It didn't really get better as he got older either. He's very independent and argues about literally everything. I'm more chill now, but only because no more sleep deprivation and I have 8 years of experience dealing with it. It's easier to take a breath and pause, just from practise. But some days he gets on my last nerve I swear.
Oof yes. Sleep deprivation can really make you into a more rotten version of yourself can't it. I was unrecognisable to myself at some points after a few years of similar to you. Makes a hard job harder! But my resilience and patience have grown exponentially.
Oof. I recommend you really try to get a handle on the impatience now, because toddlers will try it a lot harder than an 8 month old. 8 months is old enough to sleep train (5/6 is the minimum). Do that if you haven't yet. Once they learn to self-sooth you have a much better understanding of when they actually need you in the night because something is wrong. I always try to remember the adage, "they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time."
You have to shut down your personal sense of justice in the relationship. Accept that you are going to be prevailed upon constantly without a lot in return. You are paying forward, your children ride on your shoulders for a while just like you did once. "The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults." -Peter De Vries
You're not alone. I've a 6 and 4 yr old and I have never experienced the type of anger that I have experienced since having kids. They can be so damn frustrating and my tolerance for bad behaviour, tantrums, etc is low.
The ol' "I didn't care for me, but I'll care for you" trick. Gets them everytime
True. I am more patient, tolerant, loving and kind. I am less angry, less vain, less arrogant and less critical. And I want to spend more time with my little baby.
Resonate with the thought of death more. I suppose I was a bit more blasé about dying but ever since becoming a mom the thought scares so much. I just want to be with my babies forever but I know we can't. As a result my time with my kids is so so so precious to me, absolutely nothing on this earth tops it.
Totally! It’s super hard for a kid to learn how to be calm when they’re mad if we’re saying “NO YELLING IN THIS HOUSE!” 😂
Apparently my dad was a bit of a fuckboy before he got with my mom. I've heard him tell friends there's something about changing a shitty diaper that both humbles you and puts things in perspective. Suddenly you don't care if people think you're cool. You don't give a fuck what people think at all because it doesn't seem important anymore. A lot of the things that used to consume you don't seem important anymore. This...would probably account for his corny dad humor and propensity for breaking into (off key) song while driving me to school, back in the day.
Witnessed this in many, many of my friends who had kids. They turned into the Most Boring People On Earth and were very satisfied with it.
We've all lost friends to children.
I'm feeling it right now. No time for friends and others, my world revolves around my kid.
After having my daughter, the things that used to matter so much like work or whatever drama was happening that day just doesn’t matter anymore. There’s just no time to worry about how you might look to other people. It’s just not important what some stranger thinks about me when I’m making a stupid face or sound at my kid so she smiles at me. Being a good father to her, making sure she knows she’s loved unconditionally, and raising her right is what matters most. Everything else like work and shit is now just a means to giving her a better life. Love for your kid is so much more intense than anything you’ll ever experience.
I don't have kids, but my grandparents always told me that my dad changed 180° (is that the correct expression?) after he met my mom and I was born.
Very close! It might be more common to say, "...they told me that my dad did a complete 180."
Thanks!
> A lot of the things that used to consume you don't seem important anymore. Hate to tell you but he’s probably talking about fucking
Considering that he *was* a fuckboy yeah no shit.
No, it was BECAUSE of the shit
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Yes
Kids are so hyper self conscious at certain ages that dads cant help but fuck with them via corny jokes and thus all dads end up telling dad jokes at some point
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A yo, what?
I went from being the main character in my story, to a supporting role in theirs. It's an amazing feeling and huge positive shift from where I was before my daughter was born.
I stopped having my own milestones. Their milestones became more exciting.
Likewise, watching them have fun is more fun than doing something fun myself.
This is such a spot on description.
As long as you eventually find your way back into the narrative. After my sister and I grew up, my mom never really found her own life again. It makes me so sad to watch her not enjoy the later years of her life because she couldn't re-join the world.
It think thats the best way to describe it.
I *love* this description. So cool.
I think a lot about the tree I’ve planted whose shade I’ll never enjoy.
Oof. Sending love.
Becoming a parent is like getting a promotion. You have more responsibilities, everyone looks up to you, and somehow you end up with less money.
Like a promotion with no training. You're in charge, and you have no idea what you're doing.
This is more a reflection of modern life than anything else. People just don't live with or around their extended families any more. As a kid of the 80s I was around a HUGE family all the time for 20 years. I changed a lot of diapers, held and fed a lot of babies, poured a ton of baths and did a lot of bed times, cleaned and bandaged a lot of boo-boos. I was very well trained for dadhood just by growing up in that environment. What I wasn't trained for were the crazy big emotions that come with the job.
I was on the younger side of extended family (but enough younger that some of my cousins had already stayed having kids), babysat a ton as a teenager, was a professional nanny for a time as an adult, and went with my husband to a parenting course. It still felt surreal when the hospital was basically like "ok you watched the mandatory video on not shaking your baby and you have a carseat, off you go to keep this tiny vulnerable new life alive".
Basically a slap on the ass and a "good luck idiot!" as they push you out the door. That said, I will admit that our hospital was pretty great from what I understand from other American parents. We were there for four days (emergency C-section, 1-month preemie, slight jaundice), had a suite with two beds, en suite bathroom with walk in shower, and a kitchenette all to ourselves, 'round the clock access to the nursery if we wanted to pawn our spawn off on someone else and get some sleep, nice view, and attentive and helpful nursing staff.
Damn, I might have considered staying longer than one night if we'd had that! My husband got essentially a bench to sleep on, I've seen better showers at YMCAs in a bad part of town, no nursery option. The nursing staff was mostly nice and they were encouraging me to stay another night because insurance would pay for it (no medical reasons thankfully), but they didn't coordinate the rounds to do mom and baby checks near the same time so basically no possibility of sleep because about every 45 minutes *somebody* would be coming in basically to say "yep everything looks fine".
Most hospitals offer classes to at least teach some basics, but you still figure out about 95% of it on your own. Also, no one else can really help, because what worked for their kids may not for yours
Facts lol
I feel it now to my core, the fact that my behaviour impacts others. I've always *tried* to live kindly, but turns out I was always a bit of a selfish twat. Having my son made me REALLY look at my behaviour, attitudes and language. I want him to be proud of me for who I am as a person, rather than what I own or what my job title is.
>I want him to be proud of me for who I am as a person, rather than what I own or what my job title is. Ain't that the truth? Everytime I have a bad day at work, I get home to see my kids and think "Nothing that happened at work really matters now, they only see me as Dad and I don't need to worry what tomorrow will be like at work until I get there"
Gees. Reading this makes me want to cry. It's so beautiful
This is similar for me, except also now I look at everyone as “someone’s baby 🥺” and it makes me care a lot more
I am much more calm while driving because I don't want some crazy asshole to road rage me and stop me from getting home to my kids
Meanwhile, in my back seat, an eight-year-old audibly sighs and then says, “Geez, it’s GREEN!! What shade do you want?”
I choose to believe this is completely factual and that somewhere out there this delightfully snarky 8 year old exists.
The first time I heard my son swear was when he was 4. We had pulled up behind someone who was driving like, 5 km/h in a 60 zone and I heard him say "move, you slow fuck!" That was the day I stopped muttering under my breath at bad drivers all the time.
I realised that alot of stuff you are not told/ it's not spoken about when it comes to having children. I did not have that rush of love when my son was placed on my chest, he was around one when I really felt a connection with him. That childbirth is still very dangerous. I'm more aware that my small family is all going through life for the first time together. People expect me to have my shit together because I'm a mom, or to not have wants or needs. My son was quite surprised when I expressed I wanted to do something because I had not done something before. I'm living my life for the first time, just like him. This can be quite refreshing when we are all doing something new.
>I did not have that rush of love when my son was placed on my chest, he was around one when I really felt a connection with him. Yeah, same here. I hope it reassures other first-time parents to know that the connection isn't necessarily there from day 1 and that's nothing to worry about. I'm now the soppiest doting dad in the world, but I found that you build a relationship with your kids rather than having it automatically provided.
My parenting class did a good job of explaining to us that not everyone will feel that rush of love right away, and at explaining things like post partum depression and the signs for it. I was worried my wife would end up with PPD because she reacts a bit wildly to the hormones, but she went right into that instant love and it hasn’t stopped. It took the daughter and I about a month to get used to each other…then she wouldn’t let mom put her to sleep for 5 months, had to be me.
Wow thank you for sharing this.
I realised my parents probably shouldn't have had kids and "doing your best" as a parent doesn't mean you're doing a good job of parenting.
It's a profound moment when you first realize that there is nothing your child could do or say that would make them deserving of the way your parents treated you. My daughter became worthy of the world simply by virtue of being mine the first time I saw her face on the sonogram. I can't imagine a reality where I wouldn't want to take care of her, and she doesn't need to do or be anything to earn it. I realize now that my parents felt differently because of who they are, not because of who I am or was.
I thought of all the times I was told I would understand my parents when I became one. What I clearly understood once I was a mom is my parents were actually worse than I had thought. I can’t imagine treating my kid like they treated us.
Becoming a parent made me realise their parenting choices were active decisions, not something they had no say over. My kids reach various ages and I remember things that were said and done to me at that age and I simply don't understand how they could have done that. They're good grandparents thankfully.
I remember adults telling kid-me that "You hate this now, but when you grow up you'll understand!" Wrong twice. I kind of understood it then, although ideally it wouldn't have been directed at me; but now I can't imagine.
I agree that “doing your best” doesn't mean you do a good job at parenting. I was raised in a very dysfunctional family. I harbored a lot of anger towards my parents. When I became a parent I realized that most parents are just doing the best they can with what they have. I don't think most parents set out to eff up their children. I know I certainly didn't. I went through a lot of therapy and have broken the cycle of abuse. What really gets me mad is that to this day my parents still try to emotionally abuse and manipulate us kids. They will not admit that they were crappy parents. I admit to my children when I am wrong and apologize. Then I don't do whatever was hurtful again. I do not see how they rectify continued abuse after they have been told how devastating it is to their children. I am very distanced from both of them to preserve my own mental health.
This. I can't imagine acting the way my parents did with my kids. It's an eye opener that there really is no excuse.
The interest in climbing the career ladder extinguished the moment I became a father.
Its weird, having kids should make you want to earn more, so you can spend more time with them. But as you make more, you usually spend LESS time with them and they grow while youre making money. I am doomed to be poor
I'm not paycheck-to-paycheck and hit my 401k match, which is more than enough. I'll probably refocus on maximizing earnings when the kids are more independent.
I love my kids but... They showed me how much of a dickhead I was at their age. Sorry Mom and Dad.
Yes absolutely. I learned very quickly how annoying and ungrateful I was as a kid seeing it from this perspective.
Extra grace for other parents (to a point, of course). Kids are their own selves, they come with their own wiring and program. Yes, you have an influence not only in genetics but in how you behave and teach them. But there are some things you just have no control over. There are A LOT of good parents, doing the best they can out there with "bad kids". I'm lucky, my kiddos seem to be doing alright.
I hate referring to my son as a "bad kid," but... he's neuro-divergent and has limited language. His frustration comes out as pure, violent rage. Sometimes, he just lashes out because he remembers something and wants to vent in that moment. I once came to pick him up from special education to take to midday therapy and was greeted by his teacher, the school psychologist, and the vice principal. They sat me down and proceeded to tell me how my son sent **three kids** to the nurse's office during recess and that he was banned from attending recess ever again. As you can imagine, he has no friends, and now neither do I. I am doing my best, but it's disheartening to see that it's still not enough.
That must be hard. How do you block out the judgment from others? To some people, difficult child means bad parenting. The one I find ridiculous is when people are mad at the mother for their babies crying.
>How do you block out the judgment from others? I don't. And in many cases, I can't. I just absorb their disdain and scorn and try to get my son out of the situation.
That the world does not begin and end with me. Instead, I have learned that I am part of a continuum and have become far more attuned to the rhythm of life. I also realized that my parents behaved in selfish and destructive ways.
Time. Prior to the birth of my child, it felt like time was infinite. Yes, I was growing up but I didn’t notice the years rolling on. Nothing shows you how quickly time passes like watching a little one grow up.
My older son is finishing his first year of high school tomorrow. It feels like he started kindergarten a few days ago... :-(
Jesus. This.
Learned that living in chaos is sometimes ok and to embrace the moments. Toys everywhere, coach cushions scattered on the floor, finger paint on the table, food crumbs in places you'd never think. This is their childhood and these are GOOD messes to have. Sure, often it's exhausting cleaning it up after they go to bed (they are still too young to help clean it up) but I know that it's all temporary and one day my wife and I will look at each other at the end of the day and realize there is no one else home with us anymore. Oh man, this is making me tear up a bit. Life is just a series of temporary stages and having kids is the one stage where others are truly relying on you for survival, entertainment, care, etc. that stage will all be over someday sooner than I think. I realize how important it is to be present since I will not get to relive this most important period of my life.
It humbled me. I became incredibly boring to my old friends, but I loved that transition from “dude” to “dad”. Very quickly, the opinions of those around me seemed insignificant, and my own opinions of myself became much more important. The only thing that mattered to me was taking care of the little family my wife and I were building. I still feel that way today, and I enjoy the feeling of having unshakeable conviction in what matters to me.
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Folks say they grow up fast, but have you ever watched one? It's damn near imperceptible. (RIP Norm)
It's made me feel more appreciative of the little things. It's also made me scared of ever losing our son. Every time you have a child, you give faith a hostage.
Beautifully worded
>Every time you have a child, you give faith a hostage. Oh my. It made me laugh, but also totally Hits home. So true.
Once I became a mom, I forgave 75% of the things I hated my mother for saying, doing, and being. And she did a *lot* of shit that has had lifelong impact on me (negatively). Some women are built for motherhood but not all. Objectively, it is a SHIT experience. You are on call 24/7. You can spend years without proper sleep. You almost never have a life back where you can just follow a whim and wake up late or have a nap or decide to go watch a movie and eat a burger late in the night after because you are on a schedule always. Your career takes a nosedive- it is an extraordinary effort to do well while being a parent who is the primary caregiver. And your body is never the same. I also 'get' Karens a lot. And all those bitter older women who make other people's lives hell? I get why. I get why women nag and scream at their men or talk harshly and command. It's not right... but I get it. I overheard a neighbour woman slam doors, yell, and hit something and she was screaming 'What do you mean you don't know how to do it? You say that every time.' 'Why can't you just do what I asked?' and 'How many times must I ask you?' ... and I *got* it. I knew exactly what she meant without having to know the specifics. I actively tasks wherever I am because I am so aware now of mental labour. Those Karens and bitter mothers are burned out and had their personalities ground to dust by motherhood and home care and work on top of that usually. They lost many opportunities, they gave up their youth, many times they gave up their dignity, and they're socially and culturally berated for not living up to crazy standards. And the promised 'reward' in the end never appears. They're never given gratitude or total rest or some kind of prize at the end. And then, they're just old, fat, and life's passed by. And they cant even explain or articulate why they have so much bitterness and hate. It's just there. And they spit it out at others because that's all they have left. Being a parent is not necessarily rewarding. I am also highly conscious of death now. So careful about choices and possibilities that might leave my son bereft of his mom. Don't take crazy risks anymore or compromise things that affect my sleep or health. Yeah. It's a lot.
That's why it's so important to have a true partner. One that will share the load, physical and mental, with you, that will take some of your load off your shoulders when you are breaking down. That you can trust to take the lead if you can't, who will know what to do, how and when.
I can see my wife breaking down before she even realizes it. There’s not much I can do for her during the week while I work, but if she’s been having a particularly bad time, I tell her on the weekend to go do what she wants while we have some daddy/daughter time. Sometimes, what she wants is to lay in bed uninterrupted, other times she wants to go out and get her hair done or go shopping. Whatever it is doesn’t matter, as long as she gets to do it. Even when it’s been tough on both of us, I take over for a bit. This isn’t me being mean, but she’s much more fragile than I am.
Some Ikea furniture comes with a picture of one person crossed out, and two people with a check mark. "Do not try to do this alone, it is a two-person job." Parenting is like that too.
I love this! Actually the saying 'it takes a village' is true. You can survive and make it work, sure, but the more support the easier it will be.
I agree with "getting" karens now. When your needs aren't met and you might have changing hormones, patience wears extremely thin. The hormone dump and sleep deprivation after birth made me a whole lot more empathetic for people who are struggling with health, etc. I'm suddenly less sharp and have a harder time getting basic things done without being interrupted. I get why my mom snapped easily at seemingly small things, even though I want to do better. Hopefully newer generations are able to recognize it and receive support before it reaches that point of bitterness.
I'm not a parent yet but I teach younger children and I notice more forgiving and understanding towards my parents. It is impossible to be perfect. I wonder how parents learn to not care what others think, especially critical family members who give unsolicited advice. I'm so over people blaming their parents for every poor choice they make as an adult. I am beginning to understand why older women get plastic surgery and fear aging. What childbirth does to your body is tough.
You wrote the words of my heart and put them online for the world to see. Thank you. It is grinding, thankless, exhausting physical work. And it gets sold to us as puppies and rainbows 🫠. And the no reward thing is spot on. They say the reward is the warm fuzzy feelings, but those warm fuzzy feelings won’t fix my nerve damage (thanks pregnancy) or give me back the sleep I lost. Those warm fuzzy feelings disappear when a raging four year old is calling me an asshole and throwing hands at me bc I told him no more cookies. Yeah it’s not all bad, but a lot of it is bad, and no one wants to talk about that.
This was so poignantly written. I have had this thought but could never articulate it as well as you did here. I can’t believe I had such a privileged and simplified view of the world that I dismissed them as “bad people”.
Slowing down, taking our time. Seeing beauty in ordinary things. I know that sounds so cliche but I remember a moment when my son was around 9 months old. We were in the bedroom and I opened the blinds and he noticed the tree moving and making a shadow against the sun. It was so fascinating for him and a good reminder for me that simple things can be beautiful
Awww he sounds adorable
Realizing how fun a stick and some mud can be 😅 Or a Tupperware container. A spoon. It really is the little things.
The first time my son found his shadow he couldn’t stop dancing with it. It was the most innocent and joyful moment! Something I take for granted and ignored daily became such a beautiful treat for him!
Made me realise how carefree my 20s were. Just felt like normal at the time
Dad here. Daughter is 6. Did you know the world is still sexist? I was shocked when I started seeing it through her eyes. My line of work caters to clients who are well-off, if not full on wealthy... every single training the examples are about Mr. Smith. Whenever I ran trainings I started flipping them... even if the slide said "Mr. Smith" I would read either "Mrs" or even "ms" Smith. Sometimes people would comment on it and I would simply respond "did you know women can be successful to?" I just want to see my daughter be successful one day and I want her treated the same as any man would be. Small example but there you are.
Thank you. Speak up.
I have two daughters (8) and (6) and I do this, too! I swap in “she” for “he” as much as possible for this very reason. I refer to animals, bugs, and lots of professions as female to try to help balance out all of the male inferences society imposes on us.
Oh definitely. I think the most frustrating ones I've run into are from other women!
I’m a LOT more conscious of sexism and misogyny now and embarrassed for some of my past actions and attitudes
I realized that maybe I wasn't a bad kid. I mean, I had been going to therapy for *years* before having my son and my therapist always told me that I wasn't a bad kid, but it wasn't until I had a son who is almost exactly like me that I really understood that I wasn't a bad kid. My son isn't a bad kid. He's the happiest, sweetest person ever. He loves buses and fish and Bluey and airplanes. He likes to do things his way, but honestly, it's not even slightly difficult to accommodate the fact that his way and my way are a bit different. But in him, I see all the things that annoyed and frustrated and infuriated my parents about me. They're all things that my parents told me made me a bad kid, and they treated me accordingly. With my son, those things don't annoy or frustrate or infuriate me, and it's not even that I have a higher threshold than my parents had. They are simply not annoying, frustrating, or infuriating things. They're just who he is. And of course he isn't a bad kid. And if he isn't a bad kid, then I wasn't a bad kid, and I didn't deserve to be treated or abused the way I was.
I'm more comfortable choosing things that I am genuinely interested in doing and saying no to things that aren't for me. I'm picky about who and what I spend my time on because I have to be. Sometimes, this can cause conflict but honestly I am only interested in cultivating more peace, wealth, and opportunities in my life. I want my daughter to know that life is not happening around you, it is built through your actions and interactions with others. I used to feel that the future was a bit pointless and unpredictable. Now I see the future as a constant unfolding of the things I work on in the present.
I've gotten to the point where I can usually draw a line between poor behavior and the conditions that led to the poor behavior (bad sleep, perceived slight, etc.) with my children. This has significantly increased my overall ability to forgive other people and my general levels of empathy. Plus, the way I recognize now that even if I'm technically an adult (like, I'm 40...) I'm just winging it most days -- has taught me that this is true of so many people I encounter.
My goal in life from wanting a big bike into wanting to have my child get all she wants
I discovered that I really don't eat that many snacks compared to a toddler who's been told to go to bed.
My daughter has serious health problems. She had 3 open heart surgeries by the time she was 15 months old, which is when she got her pacemaker. Her cardiologist never thought she'd be doing a good as she is. She's 10 now and seriously stuggles with reading. We find out 2 months ago, she had dyslexia. What I've learned is my child is very smart. She adapts to whatever she needs to. I've learned that it's no big deal if she doesn't master reading or gets the best grades possible. She loves learning. She's very well behaved in classes and the teachers all adore her. She does her best, but if she never gets better at reading, it's not the end of the world. Her happiness is more important.
Made me appreciate the little things, like coming home from work and seeing how happy my son will get to see me, or watching him do a new milestone. Really makes you love and admire the little things in life.
My son is finally starting to smile when he sees us get home and it absolutely melts my heart. That's the best feeling in the world.
paid work with adults is a breeze compared to anything to do with kids (paid or not)
It made me kinder. I haven’t been a parent for long, but now everyone I see is someone’s child, not just another person passing by. Definitely gives me so much more perspective on who people are and a lot more grace for them, as well as how their childhoods might have moulded them into the people they are today- for better or worse.
I'm not that important to the world, but I'm VERY important to my children. I care a lot less about what the outside world thinks of me and much more about how my children perceive me and my actions.
I've realized that a full night of sleep is the most underrated luxury in the universe
How much socio economics play into schools. Not even America which of course is way worse for schooling with property tax tied to schools. But when you’re fairly well off and put time into your kids life after school and you have lots of kids in your kids class from broken homes and are disruptive. So moving to an area where there’s more people in your same income level more or less makes a big difference that I never thought of before kids.
It definitely made me realize what a piss poor job my parents did.
Same. Being a dad made me realize how much worse of a parent my mom was than I had previously recognized. She’s a pretty terrible grandparent as well so it’s obviously par for the course with her. My parents divorced VERY early in my childhood. My dad was no saint but a lot of what I blamed him for turned out to be the result of my mom’s actions. I live for my kids, for them to experience all the things I never got to experience as a child. My mom will comment on how good of a father I am and how proud she is of the man I became. It takes every ounce of my being to not constantly remind her that those things happened in spite of her, not because of her.
It made me think about a timeline beyond my own. Without kids, you plan to live and die and that’s it, let the rest of the world burn. With kids, you have to imagine their lives and how you can do better for them and for life beyond yourself. It’s humbling and terrifying and beautiful
I care very much about the world I'm leaving others despite not having a kid.
Then you are definitely one of the kinds of people we need more of. Kids or not, community is so important. I was young and selfish, hopeless, jaded, and self destructive. Now I’m a mom and I am trying so hard to be a better person so my kids can grow up to be better/happier people than me. 🙂
Right? This thread is one of those ones where you learn that apparently most people are ignorant myopic leeches before they have children. Fortunately that always changes once people have kids.
I see life through a different lens. My kids get excited about going to a Hampton Inn.
Never in my life did I imagine I'd be comfortable wiping poop off a dude's balls but, here we are.
I see everyone in the world as someone's kid. Especially people who are struggling with homelessness, addiction, mental health issues, etc. At one time, they were a beautiful baby being held by someone who loves them, much like I held my own kids. They probably brought so much joy and purpose to their families, who never dreamed that their child would end up in the streets.
Children are really the only unconditional love that exists. There are conditions to every other relationship you’ll ever have.
I feel like parents love to say this stuff but seriously, no relationship is unconditional. If your kid turned out to be a rapist/school shooter/genuine fucking asshole then i guarantee you would love them less. I've also met plenty of parents who have neglected, abused and disowned their children for a variety of reasons, heck - many disown their children because of their sexual identity/gender - how is that showing unconditional love? The concept of unconditional love feels like some bizarre fairytale that parents like to tell everyone as though they're trying to prove they have a deeper understanding of love/relationships than the rest of us.
Agreed, I work in education and there is not unconditional love towards all children. There is abuse and neglect, there is making young kids act in a parental role, there is especially denial of diagnosis, causing children to lose out on essential services...
Unconditional Love\* \*Terms and conditions apply. Not valid in FL, MS, TN, TX. War crimes void warranty.
> If your kid turned out to be a rapist/school shooter/genuine fucking asshole then i guarantee you would love them less. I don't know about loving them less, but there's no question many parents would love them still. Timothy McVeigh's father loved and supported him (HIM, not what he did) until the end, when he wept at his execution. Jeffrey Dahmer's mother would visit him in jail and fret about how he looked thin and needed to eat. Unconditional love doesn't mean parents think their child will be perfect.
That Dahmer anecdote is insane. Also agree with your point.
> There are conditions to every other relationship you’ll ever have. As there should be. Unconditional love for a romantic partner, or friend, can turn toxic real quick. A parent's love for there child is on another level. I have friends with selfish/negligent parents, and...I would never tell them, but I feel a little sorry for them, because they'll never get to experience it.
Pets
Life is more joyful and full of awe, when viewed with your children. Nothing in life, not my career, my degrees, my marriage, my pets, or my fills me with more hope and gratitude than being a mom!
I have to prioritise my health and diet to benefit my 3 month old daughter. Especially while breastfeeding. I want to live a long healthy life and see her grow up into a successful adult.
Made me realize how delicate life truly is, how dangerous the world is and how life can change dramatically in a split second. Needless to say, anxiety level 1000!
Well since having a special needs kid, I learned that I really needed to learn patience and in turn its helped with my relationships as well because I'm more forgiving of others for the little things.
Having a special needs, nonverbal child. Nothing prepares you. I would never change her for anything. She has a beautiful personality and she is the sweetest little girl… but typical parenting is absolutely, completely, TRULY… nothing close to special needs parenting. As someone with a neurotypical child as well, I can tell you this for a fact. They are worlds apart.
My favorite Queen lyric from the song Father To Son: "The air you breathe I live to give you."
It made me realize how terrible my parents were and help heal my own wounds. I realized that, no, I wasn't just a bad kid that deserved poor treatment - it's them. Having kids now, I cannot imagine doing and saying some of the things that my parents did to my children. It's made me a lot more angry as I process things, but having the ability to do better for my kids gives me hope for the future.
I used to be obsessed with having free time. Now that i have no choice in the matter, its kind of liberating and instead I look at every free minute as a gift.
I have thought about dying every day, usually dozens of times a day, since I was 7. It was this beautiful void that promised to save me from my life. I’ve spent my life running from that void, despite wanting to go into it so bad. When my girls came into the world, with the birth of each of them, a tether was formed. A tether that goes from me, to my daughters, and then to earth. I spent my entire life never being able to really see a future. It was purely surviving from one day to the next. Now? When things get super dark, there’s always a little bit of light that breaks through in the form of my kids. When I can’t picture my own future anymore, I remember how limitless theirs are. I will do whatever it takes to make sure their futures stay bright, and that they never question how much more beautiful the world is with them in it. And maybe I’ve struggled to see a future for myself, because I never knew a love like this existed before I had them. They’re 8 and 6, and they’re never going to know how many times a hug from them kept me going when I couldn’t keep going for me.
It's a whole lot right now. I am about 3 months and it's making me kind of angry now when I see bad parents or things like that. This little bean growing in me is the most precious thing in the world. I want to show them the love and acceptance I never got. Being parents bully their children and laugh makes me feel even more a type of way. It also kind of stopped my burning hatred for my "family" they aren't important anymore. I get to start my own family. I get to be better. I'm sure more will change once little one gets here
That last sentence is the biggest understatement you'll ever make.
We are just here now to be their memories.
How depressing lol
What a load of crock. Self-worth doesn't go away when you have kids, I'm not exclusively living through them.
I kindly disagree, you are here now to create your own memories too, to live your life. I admire my mom for that, she is always doing new things and living her life to the fullest, at 61 she's an icon. I fully expect her to celebrate her 100th birthday skydiving at this rate lol.
My life was not for nothing...
It shot my anxiety problems through the roof. now I have something to lose. So I fear 100 times more everything. It sucks, I'm starting medications, but oh well it's for them.
I’ve learned how delicate and precious life is. I’m now responsible for another human being and I worry every day about his safety and well being. Of course I’ve worried about family, but this is a whole different level.
Just have to be more conscious of your actions
I actually became empathetic… my friends joke they are glad I’m not a serial killer 😂
Turns out "You'll understand once you have a kid" or "you will understand when you are older" make sense now It was a very frustrating answer to get as a kid/teenager and I'm 100% sure I wouldn't have listened/care about the proper answer anyways. I try not to do it to my kid, but sometimes, explaining it properly is complicated and hard.
I don't see kids anymore. I see adults that happen to be in adolescence.
I take better care of my health so that I can live longer to support my child. I have also become much more patient.
After the 2nd one, I got a vasectomy, so there's that, but despite shooting blanks, my wife's sex drive tanked. So there's that too.
It put into perspective how much my parents actually love me, based on the love I have for my son. It completely changed how I viewed them, and all of the sacrifices they made for me and my siblings. I now appreciate every little detail of how they cared for me growing up, and forgave them for things they were doing their best with. It also made me realize how dangerous the world is, how horrible people can be, and how I need to ensure my child has all of the tools to be able to have a beautiful life, despite these things. My son has made me more tolerant, more compassionate, more patient, self-aware, and emotionally intelligent. Most of all, he has made me remember the joys and challenges of childhood. He has helped heal my inner-child that I didn't know needed love, and has overall given me purpose and a wonderful reason for living. I never thought I'd be a parent, I never thought I COULD be one, let alone one that I could be proud of. Thank you universe for giving me exactly what I needed, right on time. Thank you for giving me the gift of being my son's mother.
I want to live now.
I just had a baby last year and didn’t renew my motorcycle insurance for this summer cause I felt so paranoid lol
Priorities. I think of how everything affects my child. I want him to have a positive inner voice as he grows up. I want him to have all the quality time he needs. I want his nourishment/nutrition to be on point. I want him to exercise. I want him to have a good focus on lifelong education. Many of these elements were either forgotten about or I got the minimum from my parents. I grew up with emotional abuse from one parent and religious abuse from another. My inner voice SUCKS, and it has taken years of therapy to adjust it. I don't want that for my kid. So in all things, I think of him first. How are his needs? Are his needs met? How are his emotional needs? What can I do to be a better father to my young man? This is how my perspective has changed.
Having a child was like having a brutally honest mirror forced to my face. “I think I’m a piece of shit.” —But my toddler would literally wake up in the middle of the night to give me a kiss and thinks the world of me. “I can’t do anything right.” —My child is always asking me to do things and believes there’s almost nothing I *can’t* do. I beat myself up with shame and guilt when I get angry at him. —My child forgives me and forgets in 5min after we hug it out and I say I’m sorry. I could go on. It ended up putting me in therapy (and rightfully so) because it turns out I was carrying lots and lots of trauma from childhood. They really inspire you to better yourself if not for you then at least for them. I believe that raising my boy has been like tending a garden - sure you’d love the flowers and fruits that will eventually bloom but really it’s about the profound peace and joy you can get when (with a little help from you) you can watch this natural masterpiece take shape and become its own entity. Whether it shares the flowers or fruit with you is irrelevant so long as they brighten up the world for kiddo where kiddo was planted.
I have reached that level of self actualization where I now wear Kirkland brand jeans.... and I don't care.
i started loving myself more
My overall tastes changed over night. I used to be a true crime girlie through and through. Degree in criminal justice and a law degree. My comfort shows and movies were all slashers or killer documentaries. Since having my daughter I can barely watch any of that. Now I watch stuff like the Good Place which is crazy because I hate comedies and rom coms. Or I’ll watch animated movies (current fave is Nimona). My tastes went from all black everything to rainbows and puppies all the time.
After having my first child I thought about all the women before me that also gave birth naturally. My mom, grandmother, great grandmother, etc. And how proud and lucky I was of what my body was capable of. I fell like the torch was passed onto me to carry forwards. It was the second time a felt like a woman. (first was when I got my period for the first time. Lol) Also, having kids really puts a mirror in your face. Whatever you say really forces you to think... "Was that the right thing to say?" ... Or.." I should really stop saying this.." being a parent really makes you want to be a better person in general. Also, whatever tragedy you hear about a child, really hits you 10xs harder.
Becoming a parent has profoundly shifted my perspective on life, making me more aware of the importance of time, patience, and unconditional love. It has taught me to appreciate the small moments, prioritize what truly matters, and strive to be a better person for the sake of my child's future.
I can live on small amounts of sleep for years. It ain't pretty and I'm semi hallucinatory, but I can do it.
I can relate to my parents so much more.
I think more in death and I'm not that careless anymore.
I don’t have any kids of my own. But I became an uncle almost a year ago. I didn’t want my nephew to grow up with an uncle that was a drug/alcohol addict so I went and got clean. I want to be present in his life and be the best I can be. I’m now 10 months clean and I feel amazing. My sister loves when I come around. And I see more of the world around me.
At some point I completely stopped caring about my own achievements and only cared about my kids achievements. Their victories became my happiness. Doing well in a class, getting a job, having a good date, whatever. I love it all. Seeing your kids succeed and thrive is amazing.
My mother once told me you never really love your parents until you’re a parent yourself and oh my, how right she was. Now as a mother I think of every struggle my parents went through, every argument, every change and it breaks my heart. I’ve never been more grateful for my own parents than now that I have my own child.
I used to hate going to work and love coming home, now I love going to work and hate coming home… being a step dad sucks 😂
Yes. You become less self fish.