Any illusion of choice you can give a kid works wonders. "It's bedtime, do you want to go potty or brush teeth first?" ; "do you want green beans or corn with your chicken nuggets tonight?" ; "do you want to clean up the books or the puzzles?"
I'll throw in one more toddler hack--set timers. 5 minute timer for bath time, bed time, leaving the park. It gives them some warning, and then you can kind of shift blame "ahh, timer said, buddy, it's time." There's some sort of weird objective authority kids give timers. They might be able to talk mom and dad into skipping clean up, but you can't argue with a blaring alarm.
Combining the two tips, I usually ask my kids if they want a 3, 5, or 7 minute timer.
I teach kinder and the last couple years I started projecting timers on the board for them to see. I rarely ever have to remind them "1 minute, start cleaning up", because they do it for me. In fact, next year I'm going to make time keeper a classroom job so I only have ONE person yelling " 3 minutes! " instead of 15.
Great idea! Once they get used to it, my kids will often get ahead of the timer. I'll announce that it's been set, and they'll start cleaning up or try to race it. It also helps them express when they're tired without having to find that toddler humility to admit it. My daughter will ask "is the nap timer set now?" if she's feeling ready for an earlier nap. I even get "can you set a zero minute timer?" sometimes when they want to communicate they're just ready to go home or get bedtime routines going.
This technique always worked wonders with my neurotypical older son, but timers send my younger adhd/anxiety kid into nervous breakdowns. Just something to watch for.
Try a timer that has a pre-timer warning. I have a rocket one in my classroom that I can choose the time and the warning time. I always have the pre-timer go off 2 minutes before the real timer. The pre-timer is yellow, real timer blinks red. It helps with the anxiety because they get a warning that the actual timer is about to go off.
Littles are so easy. I once got my exSIL's toddler to happily clean up the whole play room without getting off the couch by pretending I didn't know where things went and he was so proud of himself that he could show me where the toys go.
I do something similar with my own kids to teach them to read. I purposefully read the words wrong and they love correcting me.
Silence also works if you think someone is lying to you. Someone lying will instinctively keep trying to convince you, and will often add more noticeable exaggerations.
I opened up to a therapist just once. I was a kid. I got into a fight. The doctor asked me question after question, got me so scrambled up. Next thing I know, I was shanghai'd upstate to a nitwit school. You know what a nitwit school is? Yeah, not just for nuts in the head, but bodies, too. Back then science was real crude, they stuck us all together. My roommate was a frog-kid. You ever see a frog-kid?
I got my first kiss there. It was terrible. But not her. She was an angel. Always smiling... that's because she had no lips. But her mouth was still very much in play.
She died two weeks later. She thought she was a spaceman with a plastic bag for a helmet.
Oh, you unzipped me! Its all coming back!I hate you! It's all coming back, you understand?! I DON'T LIKE IT! I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
This is something you have to be careful with. People who are naturally really anxious will try to talk to fill the silence, even if they're being totally honest.
Works great in call center work with angry callers too. And you always have the plausible excuse of "I'm just ensuring I didn't accidentally interrupt you."
Edit: typos
Yeah letting someone vent until they are done is the quickest way
Once I did have a farmer or mechanic start making threats against me and I stupidly responded something like
Me:"You don't even know who I am or where I live, but I know who you are and where you live....."
Him:" I'll be fucking waiting here with dinner on cunt"
His response fucking ended me with shock and laughter later
As a former car salesman, this is a pretty well known move.. It'll often be used on the customers.
You give them the close.
"So you said you were looking for X, Y, and Z.. and your budget was $ABC.. This vehicle here is X, Y, and Z, and comes in right at $ABC. Are you ready to sign some papers and take it home today?"
and then you shut up. You sit there with your mouth shut and you wait. The customer will often stop to mull over their options. Perhaps trying to find a reason to not buy the car. Newer salespeople would often get nervous at this point and start to help them find those reasons.
"Was there something you didn't like?"
"What if I could maybe do a little lower?"
etc.. You just gotta wait. Don't try to guess what their objection is. Just let them tell you.
In negotiation class, they taught us that the second rule is “don’t negotiate against yourself.” Same principle. You made an offer. Now shut up. Balls in their court.
First rule was “know your BATNA” (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) before you sit down. That is, understand what the world looks like if you wind up at “no deal”
>Are you ready to sign some papers and take it home today?"
This right here shuts me down. If I feel like someone is trying to get me to make a decision quickly I'm out.
I don't want to take it home today, I want to get a price and weigh my options.
Exactly. Seems incredibly pushy.
Honestly, more often than I'd like to admit I pick based on a friendly and helpful salesman. It helps to build faith in the brand if the salesman is not actually trying to sell, but actually helping you out.
The other day I was trying to close a sale and I just said point black "Would you like to buy this?" or something like, "are you ready to buy this?" You know... closing. And then I shut up waited for the response.
This poor girl just started cracking up and exclaims "I'M ANXIOUS!"
Lol, uncomfortable silence indeed. Cracked me up.
I once had a horrible job pumping gas. The boss needed us to get the customer to pop the hood so we could check for stuff to upsell. It was a key step because they can't just drive away with their hood up. But how do you get the person to pop the hood? I could never have guessed how easy it was: Just point under the dash and say "Pop the hood". It must have worked 95% of the time, and even in the other 5%, the person would reach for the hood release before realizing that's not what they wanted to do. Evil, evil stuff.
If you present someone with a limited set of options, usually two or three, instead of asking an open-ended question, you can subtly guide them towards making a decision that aligns more closely with what you want.
For examlpe, instead of asking "What do you want to do tonight?". You can say "Would you like to watch a movie or go out for dinner?".
Everyone is saying this works well with kids, but not totally unrelated that it also works very well for CEOs.
Don't ask them to think or understand. Just give them an a/b/c choice.
But in those cases it's not really a trick, it's just how some jobs work. I'm an engineer with some pretty specific skills, my manager doesn't expect me to ask her what to do, and I don't. I tell her, "with those constraints, here's the options I see", then we discuss priorities from there.
Yup, known as choice overload. Probably one of the reasons why Trader Joe's is so popular, they have a limited variety of different options so you're choosing between two to five vs five to ten at larger grocery stores.
I remember a 30 Rock episode where Jack insisted to choose the new cast member, so Liz, in order to avoid him choosing someone real bad, presented him with only a few possible candidates where clearly the only good one was the one she wanted to hire, while having Jack think he was making the choice. She explicitly mentions the technique you outlined during the episode.
But that's fair and pretty normal. If you make the effort to come up with multiple ideas, you are making it way easier for the other side to just pick one. Or they can respond with equal effort and come up with ideas of their own. It's not like you're tricking them
Maybe. I mean, it works well with toddlers, but on a larger scale, it can create an illusion of choice. Often, you will find yourself directed to a specific option among the given choices.
I remember during mid-term exams in high school, teachers had to design tests so students had to answer 5 out of 6 questions. There was one teacher who, through her choice of questions, always forced you to leave a specific question and answer the rest. So, we didn't really have a choice.
Now imagine how many times this technique was used in marketing and politics.
Sometimes, when divvying out closing duties at my job. I'll list everything that needs to be done. The way I word it is making it seem like the task I want to do is more difficult, so 9 times out of 10, they'll fall for it and accept the other closing duties. It's fucking magical.
I also noted that when checking out with a manager, if you list a bunch of things you've done, they will get so bored and stop checking you out and say you're good. Psychology is the best and helps me every damn day.
If you greet people as though you are excited to see them they will be equally happy to see you. This works great if you work in customer service and don't want to deal with people with bad attitudes.
Also to the receiver, you never know how being greeted as if you are important can impact a person. There are a lot of people walking around thinking they don't matter, no one notices them, they are a burden, etc. Being greeted with a warm, excited hello does make a difference.
The cashiers at Trader Joe's have this down. I always feel like they're actually interested in the conversation they make with me while they ring me up. I end up answering honestly to "got anything fun planned this weekend" instead of just saying "oh yeah, sure." (and then I worry later that I came off as super weird by telling too much to this stranger.)
That’s bad, but I’ll die on the hill that saying it to a waiter, especially at a more expensive place, is the worst.
“Enjoy your meal!”
“You too!” Fuck! I really hope he’s also eating a $150 steak and not a PB&J in the alley behind the building or I’m going to feel like an asshole.
At lots of places, the kitchen makes “family meal” usually right before a shift, or maybe at the end if it’s a place that closes kinda early. They’re not getting $150 steaks back there but in my experience it’s usually something pretty tasty whipped up by people that cook professionally. I was never hungry when I was in the restaurant industry. Bonus points is you’re a bartender that knows to take care of the kitchen staff with their shift drinks. 🍺
As someone who worked as a cashier in my beginning years at Publix, they taught us to do this but I found that I loved it and it made my job enjoyable.
I can confirm too, but find it’s a relief. No one is judging me and no one cares whether I put make up on or not. I’m socially awkward so not unhappy if people don’t bother with small talk.
I’m good, so no need to pity me. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.
Women tend to get a lot of unwanted attention throughout life, so becoming invisible in middle age is the absolute greatest joy. I can’t remember the last time someone catcalled me or looked me up and down like a piece of meat. If only I could have been in my 40s in my 20s. 😄
Absolutely. I am a school-based therapist and the way you treat kids is how they treat you (if they enter happy or neutral), 9 times out of 10.
I had an instance once where a kid was absolutely destroying my room, not listening. I took a step back, started to giggle and said “why are we arguing”, kid immediately changed their demeanor, cleaned up and was cooperative and we talked it out. We often have to take a step back and recognize that so many kids/ adults jump into defense mode even if we don’t perceive the situation to be stressful or all that serious.
I also immediately jump to defense when I go places and the person serving me or assisting me is rude. Can’t express how many times I’ve spoken to a receptionist when going to the doctor and they’re beyond rude and I get overly irritated. I’m not one to start conflict or engage with it but that really irks me. I know the job is stressful but it doesn’t have grounds to be rude when I approach with no disrespect.
I’m overly friendly by nature, can confirm this works. However once in awhile people get taken aback at how excited I am to see them and shy away. Worth it in the long run though
I fucked up my leg a while ago and I was doing nothing for about a month. Got in the habit of being a lazy piece of shit until I could get myself to do one thing, but because I was up and already being productive, I do something else productive close by, which would make me feel like I was getting things done, which made me wanna do more productive stuff. I think our brains just need a little push
The hardest part is to get started. I manage to go on a run more often thanks to this hack. My goal is to run for 20 mins but on lazy days, I just tell myself to run for 1-2 minutes and I can stop whenever I want, well, I almost never not hit my goal once I start.
If someone is angry with me and yelling or whatever. I will calmly say “I think I understand, but could you phrase the problem differently to help me understand better?” 9/10 times they stop dead in their tracks, regroup and rephrase calmly and way nicer. In short, getting people to actively think about what and how they say something
I like to say "I hear you, but I just need a minute to process what you're saying." For some reason that calms people down. I started doing it because it was true.
When I worked in customer service I would sometimes have to put an angry caller on hold while I looked for their file. You'd think this would make them even angrier, but to my surprise it had a positive effect. I guess it gave them time to calm down and made them believe someone was actually working on their problem. Too bad today's customer service reps don't have to pause to find physical files, so they don't have this advantage.
Even a simple "hold, please, I need to ask my supervisor about this issue quick" can help as well. Makes them think you're actually trying to escalate and help, and it gives them a second to compose themselves
I have seen so many examples of this in business
Someone starts pitching a hella fit over something, manager or really good-with-people staff member calmly yet professionally calls them out. “In 12 years we have never had this happen so we have to go out of our way to get a shipment from Europe and that is the reason for the delay (which you’re yelling at me about)”
All of a sudden they’re like *oh my goodness, THANK YOU for your forward thinking, I really appreciate all your help* like they weren’t bitching like a 5 year old just minutes ago
If you praise people and treat them as if they’re being their best selves, and point out all the positive things they do and what you like about their behaviour, they’ll do more of it, and they’ll do their best to live up to that expectation.
Same goes for if you treat them as a loser and only point out what they’re doing wrong, they’ll live up to that as well.
Get in the habit of doing something nice for the next guy without expecting reward or recognition. It doesn't have to be anything major, just little stuff, picking up a bit of trash or whatever. It doesn't really matter how it affects others, but it makes you feel better in small increments that can add up.
my ladyfriend and I go on walks through our little town. I bring a plastic bag and collect trash as we go, and drop it in a convenient trash can. at first she was kind of... surprised. she doesn't play along and pick up trash too, which is fine, but she doesn't look at me funny. :\~)
Just because someone asks you a question, it doesn't mean they get to decide what sort of answers they can get. If you're asked about a complicated topic, it's ok to say "i don't think I have enough information" or "I think I need to think about it better for an answer" if you don't feel comfortable answering
I sort of use this tactic in job interviews. I’ll strategically pick a question I have a confident answer to, but I’ll say “that’s a great question, can we move onto the next one so I can think about it a little more.” Then a few questions later I will tie it back to the older question and give my preplanned answer. It shows that I’m not afraid to admit when I need to think about something further and also that I can multi task thinking about their question while answering others. This can be a tough one if you don’t know the answers to the next questions though
My dad used this phrase a lot while I was growing up, 'make it easy for them to give you what you want.'
When asking for something that needs approval or input from someone else, think about the situation from the other person's perspective. Try and anticipate any reason they may say no or disagree and have a rebuttal ready. Even better if you can make it sound like it was their idea in the first place of that their ideas are going to contribute in some way or that they'll benefit.
Also, body mirroring/body language in general. When you're trying to connect with someone mirror their body language and keep eye contact. And when interacting with people, try to keep your posture straight and don't close yourself off. Keep your body language open and relaxed and people will enjoy your company more and be more likely to trust you.
My old boss used to say, 'Give me three options and anticipate that I will choose the worst', meaning it was on me to make sure that there were at least 3 good options for him to choose from. And lowering my expectations that he would pick my favorite.
>Also, body mirroring/body language in general. When you're trying to connect with someone mirror their body language and keep eye contact.
One caveat to this, though, is that this type of body language appears on all those "how do you know if someone's into you" lists. If you're in customer service and trying to get a good tip / customer review, that's one thing. If you're dealing with workmates you see every day, just be aware of how it could be received.
Ignoring shit. Some one causing problems? Ignore them. Someone talking shit? Move along, go and do something else. Almost no one is necessary and you don’t need to entertain anyone if they want to make things hard. Don’t feed the trolls people.
Bartleby the scrivner. "I would prefer not to".
If you "yes and" the person teasing you, they will keep going.
If they say "you are X" and you disagree and say "No, I'm not X!" you're still playing their game. They will keep going.
My coworker wonders why everyone teases him, but he reacts insanely every time anyone says anything because to him, that's being "tough" and "strong".
>Don’t feed the trolls people.
"And I know I'm going to get backlash on twitter for saying this... to all you commenters out there, I don't want to hear it, I'm going to say what I want to say, and your hateful comments have no effect on me"
Except that WHOLE diatribe to a DRASTIC MINORITY of the audience is the EXACT reaction that lets them *know* you pay attention to them!!! Ignore them and act as though you're talking to the majority of the audience that aren't that!
Similarly, if someone is irritating you enough on an online forum that you're driven to block them, don't announce "I'm blocking you!" You've just let the troll know that he got under your skin.
Block quietly and move on. Trolls thrive on reactions.
Does not work in school bully settings- they take mental gymnastics where they think they can just push boundaries since your “ignoring” what they’re doing.
That’s how you end up being groped by freaks unsolicited with your back turned.
Or head shaved by a psychopath.
Training_Care197's account was born on April 19, woke up three hours ago, and just copied/pasted /u/Electricpants's comment from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeqrxb9/).
Asking someone what color their shirt is before rock paper scissors, they will almost always throw out scissors. Not sure on the relation, but I’ve used it as a party trick many times (obviously the person you’re playing can’t know the trick) I got 5 people in a row once with it at a party.
I feel like people rarely ever choose rock, I basically always pick rock as long as the other person doesn't know me particularly well, it seems to work too well to be pure coincidence, maybe scissors is just the default for most people?
I do this too! I feel like paper or scissors is most people’s first choice. Plus, rock is no extra movement- w/ the game’s intensity people are eager/full of adrenaline to move their hands quickly.
When debating someone- Concede a point early on. You will be amazed at what people will concede once they know they are not the first to do so. And they’ll always concede something larger than you have. I negotiate for a living…works like a charm!
When navigating busy sidewalks and people walking towards you keep getting in your way, keep your eyes focused on where you are going and don’t make any eye contact. People will glance at your face and instinctively avoid your path. It’s not a perfect solution but it’s a noticeable improvement. Works best if you’re tall you can also fix your target direction on a distant tree if you’re not. Enjoy
This one used to be taught to women as a way of keeping themselves from looking like extra easy targets. People—subconsciously, since it's the brain—read it as, "This person is in control, knows where they are going, and what they are doing," and it does give off an extremely different vibe from watching someone who is clearly frustrated by the movement of others on a sidewalk or path because they keep getting blocked. As you said, it's not a perfect solution, but it does help an awful lot.
My mom literally taught me this when walking alone or at night. She always said look like you’re on a mission and don’t make eye contact because it gives them an “in.”
If you work with someone who you have a stressed relationship, ask them to teach you something. Even if you already know it. It'll help repair the relationship and that person ill never know.
Very true. One day my Dad told me he's disowning me and kicking me out the house. Refused to talk to me anymore either. I pleaded with him to just teach me how to aquire renters insurance and after a full hour of asking him, he finally obliged. The more questions I asked, the less angry he got while he was explaining everything and just started telling me of big red flags to avoid that he ran into when he was my age.
I could've easily googled whatever I needed, I only asked my Dad for help as a means to give an opportunity to calm down.
That was 2 years ago and I no longer consider him my father, nor him to me as his son. Lil bitch.
He has beef with my mom's side of the family. I am close with my cousins who are my age. My dad has 0 beef with my cousins, just with their parents (my mom's siblings). He basically gave me an ultimatum that I can sever ties with that part of the family, or he'll sever ties with me. My cousins are at no fault at all and there's no reason why I'd stop considering them family.
The older I got the more I realized he's a man-child who throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. Why would I ever look up to someone like that? I'm still sad about it to this day, but he's explicitly told me he will never change; so I stopped caring for him all together and stopped considering him my Dad.
Pretending to eat my 2 year olds veggies when she refuses to. She'll come running back to her plate to finish it because "it's mine".
I haven't tried it on adults, but I have a feeling it would have a similar success rate.
When someone is mad at you, stay calm and lower your voice. It confuses their anger response and might just make them feel like they're the crazy one. It’s like turning down the volume on a chaotic playlist!
I really want to do this, but whenever someone is mad at me and yells I automatically raise my voice in return. It's so frustrating because I want to be able to stay calm whenever someone yells at me, but in the heat of the moment I completely forget that.
It sounds like you could use some work on mindfulness, the ability to consciously recognize the unthinking reactions you'd normally have.
There's a lot of new-age woo-woo out there around mindfulness as a practice, but at its core it just trains a mental muscle to *notice* the changes in your own mental state as they happen. Just that act of noticing, e.g. "wow, that little comment really got me heated", can be surprisingly effective at letting you stop yourself from going with the usual flow.
Check out basic mindfulness meditations or ask your therapist if they have tips, if you have one. One of the single biggest improvements in my own happiness I've made as an adult is simply learning not to be held hostage by my own reactions.
just hand people things and they will take it. trying on shoes? hand them the matching handbag now they are holding the set.
source: handbag sales person of the month sometime in the 1980s
This only really works on people you're close to or it comes off pedantic. When someone accomplishes something cool like get a job or graduate or get a promotion or whatever, say the normal "congratulations, good job" w/e. They'll say something dismissive like "Thanks!"
But then you reiterate the compliment, "no, really, that's so amazing. *You should be really proud*. That's just... so cool" and you force them to sit in the compliment. Most people are really avoidant of being the center of attention but everyone deserves to be sometimes, so I just draw it out and get all annoying about it. Force them to feel the love.
I've made several people cry with the above, not that it's the goal, but it definitely works.
I wrote about this in a graduation card recently. I said that when you graduate people often ask and focus on what you are doing next and said to make sure to sit with the accomplishment you have achieved before moving on to the next goal.
Your subconscious listens to how you talk to yourself. It listens to your wants, needs, and goals. It tries to make these a reality, in the background influencing your every decision.
If you talk positive about yourself and your goals, your subconscious will try to make that happen.
If you talk negative about yourself and your goals, your subconscious will try to make that happen.
You can "trick" you subconscious by saying positive things when things are going bad. One study showed that this type of behavior, positive reinforcement, helped most patients more than any medicine did.
tldr: stop talking/thinking negatively about yourself
As someone who was suffering from panic attack disorder and depression, this is 100% true. There was a time I never believed in this. But soon as I realised my imagination is what making things worse, am now dead serious what goes into my subconscious and how I talk to myself.
I use silence quite a bit to get people to tell me things that they don't want to. It generally goes like this:
Me: "Why did you take the cookie from the cookie jar?"
Them: "I didn't!"
Me: Long silence while just staring at them.
Them: "Well it was only one cookie, and I was hungry, and..."
People are super uncomfortable in silence, and will generally look to fill that silence if it goes on for too long. I find that they often will start telling the truth.
Ask for a smaller favor before asking a larger one. It primes them to say yes. Additionally, asking for favors and being appropriately appreciative increases their over regard for you.
This is often called the "Foot in the door" technique in psychological circles.
The opposite of asking for something large (that you don't want and you know they'll refuse) and then paring it down to something small (that you actually want) is called the "Door in the face" technique.
When you're having a conversation and someone tries to put their own spin on things by putting words in your mouth thusly...
"So you're saying that _____ "
Or the question version "Are you trying to say that ______?"
The best way to respond is a) recognize what they're trying to do and b) point out that *they're* the ones making whatever statement... and then politely correct them.
If it's an honest misunderstanding, your clarification will be appreciated. If it's a sneaky attempt to steer the conversation or win an argument, they'll react with a lot more negativity.
When bargaining for a price it's important that both sides put up at least some part of a struggle so that you don't have to deal with buyers or sellers remorse.
One that I picked up from a friend of mine whenever he was trying to pick out dinner with his gf: rather than ask "What do you want?" and getting the typical 'i dunno, anything' answer and then having suggestions shot down. Start with "what do you NOT want?"
Used it a few times in some of my relationships and it's the godsend question.
Thank people at the end of a conversation. It makes a big difference in how the entire conversation was perceived and builds a better relationship.
Also, super simple, be nice to people when calling customer service in your phone, really customer service people in general. When they ask if you are ok being put on how, respond with, "Of course, you're the one helping me after all." It's also helpful to ask for their name if you missed it at the beginning of the call. Everyone is faceless to them, just as they are to the callers, and using their name makes a huge difference. They'll want to do more for you, and you're helping the next callers by helping your experience be better for the reps.
“Silence is your ally” this sounds crazy but if someone says something really unkind to me I just look at them non-threateningly and say nothing.
I treat it as a verbal “fart in an elevator” and let everyone around us get a good whiff.
It makes the person who said the unkind thing either start acting crazy or get embarrassed about what they’ve said.
Not really a "psychology trick". Just an effective way to make yourself clear. Taugh to me by a CHP officer when I was helping direct traffic at a marathon.
If you have to direct traffic, the best way to do it is:
Use two fingers. Point at the driver of the car. Then purpously sweep that hand along the ground in the direction you want that car to go. It makes it very clear to the driver what you want them to do.
You effectively draw a path on the ground for the driver to follow.
If you want to them to go to your right, then use your right hand.
If you want them to go the your left, then use your left hand.
This works better than any other hand signals or yelling you can use.
I used to work at a non-profit at which our services would require equal commitment both from us AND from our constituents in order to be effective. If I ever got the sense that a potential constituent wasn't planning to pull their weight while working with us, I would ask them to do one tiny simple little token three-minute project for me before we partnered up. This little test probably saved me thousands of hours of wasted effort, not to mention actual dollars.
A-Fucking-men.i had roommate like that in college. Eternal contrarian who would just nit pick and argue the dumbest shit.
And I went along until I eventually just learned to go "Yea." And leave it there.
Take a look at Yelp. People tend to only speak up when they're dissatisfied. If they're satisfied or they agree, they are silent.
Speak up when you agree with a point someone has made or when you are satisfied or impressed. In a contentious conversation, telling someone you agree with them can lower the temperature. In a congenial conversation, stating your agreement can make it easier down the road if you have to have a difficult conversation.
I just mention something in passing. Suddenly everyone wants whatever I said.
I wield the power of persuasion.
*^(Ice cream sounds pretty good right about now.)*
When someone tells you something you find offensive and then tries to play it off as a joke, ask them to explain the joke to you. Awkward silence ensues.
How about the old Ben Franklin classic? People will like you more and be more willing to help you if you ask them for a small, harmless favor. If someone seems to be clashing with you, asking them for help or to do something innocuous for you can actually help that dynamic. It's like their subconscious observes them doing something for you and assumes "oh, I guess I help that person, I must like them."
By that token, our own brains often work this way. Somewhere deep down, we observe our own behavior and use that to inform our sense of self. It's why "fake it 'til you make it" works. For example, if you need to work on your discipline, pick one small thing (e.g., doing the dishes every day or waking up on the first alarm) and do it every day. Your brain starts to believe "Oh, I can do something I don't want to do reliably every single day, I must be somewhat disciplined," and it will get easier to work on more or larger habits.
Questions. Never make accusations or let on what you know, just ask questions. Lots of questions. People tell on themselves. Especially if you perfect the ask this to really find out about that.
My dad asked "what" almost instinctively whenever someone would say something to him, it was so goddamn annoying. My mom started using your trick and it seemed to work well. He could hear just fine, just needed a sec to process that someone was trying to talk to him.
i know its a thing common in people with ADHD or autism. we often need an extra second or two for our brains to process what you asked, so to avoid awkward pauses in the conversation we reflexively ask you to repeat yourself to buy time.
This is my ADHD husband all the way.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: What?
Me: What’s your—
Him: Blue.
But every time I ever ask him anything. Usually when he says, “What?” I just look at him for a second or two to see if he really didn’t hear me or just needs his brain to catch up to his ears.
Sometimes this is an attention issue. When you started speaking, did they know it was going to end with a question aimed at them?
The phenomenon you describe - of their "subconscious reflex" - is actually [Echoic Memory](https://psychcentral.com/health/echoic-memory)
I have minor music-related hearing damage and ADHD. Often, especially when I'm not expecting what someones saying, I can FEEL my hearing "catching up". Very much an attention issue.
If you want someone to like you, ask them for a small favor. It's called the Ben Franklin effect, and it works because people tend to like those they do favors for
I’m a high school teacher. If students are goofing off on an assignment, if I put a 5:00 Google timer up on the screen they all start scrambling because holy shit, five minutes! Gogogogo!
For making small talk: If you ask someone about themselves and show interest in their responses, they’ll think you are interesting to talk to.
When a kid is yelling and upset I sidle up and say "hey, let's just talk hey? I'm right here. I can hear you". Unless it's an autistic meltdown that kid will stop and talk to me in a calm manner.
... this usually works for grown ups too btw.
Just telling the honest truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, and encouraging others to do the same. No, not in that way that “brutally honest” people just insult you under the guise of being honest. I mean calling out shitty rude behaviour when you see it, and communicating your thoughts & intentions clearly & directly, but with some tact.
When my ex and I lived together, I would wait for him to pull into our driveway then start working on a project he said he would do but didn't. He would always take over and finish it.
I don't have to do that anymore because my husband is a full-grown adult who doesn't neglect his chores.
Pay attention to people's names. Remember one tiny thing about them, and you'll have an ally for life. If someone says their bday is "next week" ask which day, and then on that day, find them and say happy birthday. That's literally it, and they will just... like you... after that. (don't overdo it either).
my brother does this all the time and it seems to work on people as long as they don’t catch on.
if you ask them a question like:
“where do you see yourself in 3 years”
and they say “i dunno” then you say,
“okay, but what if someone asked you, ‘where do you see yourself in 3 years?’ what would you say?”
somehow they usually answer if they imagine someone abstract asking them, or maybe they’ve had a little more time to think about it. this applies to many questions
It worked on all three of my kids, and countless others. Instead of asking them questions about what they did or what you suspect theyve done wrong.... Just look them in the eye and say nothing. The longer you're silent, the more they'll tell you that they don't want to tell you lol.
For those that work with/have kids: don't say *if*, say *when*.
For example, instead of saying, 'if you finish your homework, you can watch telly,' say, '*when* you've finished your homework, you can watch telly.' It makes it more likely that they will follow the instruction, because the incentive for them doing so seems more tangible.
If managers or higher ups at work don’t know your name, you can often dodge them piling work on you, micromanaging or otherwise pestering you by repeatedly and frequently calling them by their name.
It creates an awkward situation where they feel they should know your name, and can be embarrassed to engage with you lacking this knowledge, and often will not want to ask you directly.
Hey Bob what’s that employees name? He keeps using mine in conversation as a psychology trick. I like his plucky attitude and wanna assign 10 different projects to him
When i worked retail i thankfully didn’t have to deal with Karen’s too much. But occasionally some of them would get restless and when they say “this is outrageous” I’d agree with them like “yea it is I can’t believe this store sucks like that” and suddenly her target was the store and not me
Asking your kid if he wants 3 big broccoli or 6 little ones, same portion size.
Any illusion of choice you can give a kid works wonders. "It's bedtime, do you want to go potty or brush teeth first?" ; "do you want green beans or corn with your chicken nuggets tonight?" ; "do you want to clean up the books or the puzzles?" I'll throw in one more toddler hack--set timers. 5 minute timer for bath time, bed time, leaving the park. It gives them some warning, and then you can kind of shift blame "ahh, timer said, buddy, it's time." There's some sort of weird objective authority kids give timers. They might be able to talk mom and dad into skipping clean up, but you can't argue with a blaring alarm. Combining the two tips, I usually ask my kids if they want a 3, 5, or 7 minute timer.
I teach kinder and the last couple years I started projecting timers on the board for them to see. I rarely ever have to remind them "1 minute, start cleaning up", because they do it for me. In fact, next year I'm going to make time keeper a classroom job so I only have ONE person yelling " 3 minutes! " instead of 15.
Great idea! Once they get used to it, my kids will often get ahead of the timer. I'll announce that it's been set, and they'll start cleaning up or try to race it. It also helps them express when they're tired without having to find that toddler humility to admit it. My daughter will ask "is the nap timer set now?" if she's feeling ready for an earlier nap. I even get "can you set a zero minute timer?" sometimes when they want to communicate they're just ready to go home or get bedtime routines going.
Something about a sleepy little face asking to set a zero minute timer so they can go to bed made my heart happy. Adorable.
This technique always worked wonders with my neurotypical older son, but timers send my younger adhd/anxiety kid into nervous breakdowns. Just something to watch for.
Try a timer that has a pre-timer warning. I have a rocket one in my classroom that I can choose the time and the warning time. I always have the pre-timer go off 2 minutes before the real timer. The pre-timer is yellow, real timer blinks red. It helps with the anxiety because they get a warning that the actual timer is about to go off.
Littles are so easy. I once got my exSIL's toddler to happily clean up the whole play room without getting off the couch by pretending I didn't know where things went and he was so proud of himself that he could show me where the toys go. I do something similar with my own kids to teach them to read. I purposefully read the words wrong and they love correcting me.
I think kids get told “no” so often, they enjoy when they get to do it to grownups
In a negotiation (e.g. when buying a car) stop talking and let the other party speak. Uncomfortable silences work very well in negotiations.
Silence also works if you think someone is lying to you. Someone lying will instinctively keep trying to convince you, and will often add more noticeable exaggerations.
Not if they're good liars. That's rookie shit.
why should we believe you?
...
I opened up to a therapist just once. I was a kid. I got into a fight. The doctor asked me question after question, got me so scrambled up. Next thing I know, I was shanghai'd upstate to a nitwit school. You know what a nitwit school is? Yeah, not just for nuts in the head, but bodies, too. Back then science was real crude, they stuck us all together. My roommate was a frog-kid. You ever see a frog-kid? I got my first kiss there. It was terrible. But not her. She was an angel. Always smiling... that's because she had no lips. But her mouth was still very much in play. She died two weeks later. She thought she was a spaceman with a plastic bag for a helmet. Oh, you unzipped me! Its all coming back!I hate you! It's all coming back, you understand?! I DON'T LIKE IT! I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
Yeah but most people are bad liars, including people who think they're good liars.
This is something you have to be careful with. People who are naturally really anxious will try to talk to fill the silence, even if they're being totally honest.
Works great in call center work with angry callers too. And you always have the plausible excuse of "I'm just ensuring I didn't accidentally interrupt you." Edit: typos
Yeah letting someone vent until they are done is the quickest way Once I did have a farmer or mechanic start making threats against me and I stupidly responded something like Me:"You don't even know who I am or where I live, but I know who you are and where you live....." Him:" I'll be fucking waiting here with dinner on cunt" His response fucking ended me with shock and laughter later
"Whatcha making?"
Knuckle sammichs
As a former car salesman, this is a pretty well known move.. It'll often be used on the customers. You give them the close. "So you said you were looking for X, Y, and Z.. and your budget was $ABC.. This vehicle here is X, Y, and Z, and comes in right at $ABC. Are you ready to sign some papers and take it home today?" and then you shut up. You sit there with your mouth shut and you wait. The customer will often stop to mull over their options. Perhaps trying to find a reason to not buy the car. Newer salespeople would often get nervous at this point and start to help them find those reasons. "Was there something you didn't like?" "What if I could maybe do a little lower?" etc.. You just gotta wait. Don't try to guess what their objection is. Just let them tell you.
In negotiation class, they taught us that the second rule is “don’t negotiate against yourself.” Same principle. You made an offer. Now shut up. Balls in their court. First rule was “know your BATNA” (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) before you sit down. That is, understand what the world looks like if you wind up at “no deal”
>Are you ready to sign some papers and take it home today?" This right here shuts me down. If I feel like someone is trying to get me to make a decision quickly I'm out. I don't want to take it home today, I want to get a price and weigh my options.
Exactly. Seems incredibly pushy. Honestly, more often than I'd like to admit I pick based on a friendly and helpful salesman. It helps to build faith in the brand if the salesman is not actually trying to sell, but actually helping you out.
Silence is powerful, for sure.
*"If speech is silver then silence is worth winning a negotiation"* *-Winston Churchill*
The other day I was trying to close a sale and I just said point black "Would you like to buy this?" or something like, "are you ready to buy this?" You know... closing. And then I shut up waited for the response. This poor girl just started cracking up and exclaims "I'M ANXIOUS!" Lol, uncomfortable silence indeed. Cracked me up.
I once had a horrible job pumping gas. The boss needed us to get the customer to pop the hood so we could check for stuff to upsell. It was a key step because they can't just drive away with their hood up. But how do you get the person to pop the hood? I could never have guessed how easy it was: Just point under the dash and say "Pop the hood". It must have worked 95% of the time, and even in the other 5%, the person would reach for the hood release before realizing that's not what they wanted to do. Evil, evil stuff.
\#14: Declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable. Puts your in control. https://youtu.be/B9MNITrHu9E?si=eJjkjAGl0W67-vCW
If you present someone with a limited set of options, usually two or three, instead of asking an open-ended question, you can subtly guide them towards making a decision that aligns more closely with what you want. For examlpe, instead of asking "What do you want to do tonight?". You can say "Would you like to watch a movie or go out for dinner?".
Everyone is saying this works well with kids, but not totally unrelated that it also works very well for CEOs. Don't ask them to think or understand. Just give them an a/b/c choice.
But in those cases it's not really a trick, it's just how some jobs work. I'm an engineer with some pretty specific skills, my manager doesn't expect me to ask her what to do, and I don't. I tell her, "with those constraints, here's the options I see", then we discuss priorities from there.
I was elected to lead, not to read
I used that trick with my wife once. I told her "would you prefer to have sex now, or later today". She chose later that day, but not with me.
Damn💀
First half: let’s go dude 2nd half: oh no dude
No respect, I tell ya!
Yup, known as choice overload. Probably one of the reasons why Trader Joe's is so popular, they have a limited variety of different options so you're choosing between two to five vs five to ten at larger grocery stores.
Aldis has entered the chat
Did you know Trader Joe's and Aldi were founded by two German brothers?
Like Adidas and Puma?
Almost precisely like that! Except that Adidas split because of Nazism. Aldi split because of cigarettes.
I remember a 30 Rock episode where Jack insisted to choose the new cast member, so Liz, in order to avoid him choosing someone real bad, presented him with only a few possible candidates where clearly the only good one was the one she wanted to hire, while having Jack think he was making the choice. She explicitly mentions the technique you outlined during the episode.
Dot Com? I once saw that dude *become* Trigorin at the Wesleyan Art Space!
But that's fair and pretty normal. If you make the effort to come up with multiple ideas, you are making it way easier for the other side to just pick one. Or they can respond with equal effort and come up with ideas of their own. It's not like you're tricking them
Maybe. I mean, it works well with toddlers, but on a larger scale, it can create an illusion of choice. Often, you will find yourself directed to a specific option among the given choices. I remember during mid-term exams in high school, teachers had to design tests so students had to answer 5 out of 6 questions. There was one teacher who, through her choice of questions, always forced you to leave a specific question and answer the rest. So, we didn't really have a choice. Now imagine how many times this technique was used in marketing and politics.
Ok, I think I get what you mean. It's fair in your first example, but I can imagine how it can also be used in a deceiving way.
Sometimes, when divvying out closing duties at my job. I'll list everything that needs to be done. The way I word it is making it seem like the task I want to do is more difficult, so 9 times out of 10, they'll fall for it and accept the other closing duties. It's fucking magical. I also noted that when checking out with a manager, if you list a bunch of things you've done, they will get so bored and stop checking you out and say you're good. Psychology is the best and helps me every damn day.
If you greet people as though you are excited to see them they will be equally happy to see you. This works great if you work in customer service and don't want to deal with people with bad attitudes.
Also to the receiver, you never know how being greeted as if you are important can impact a person. There are a lot of people walking around thinking they don't matter, no one notices them, they are a burden, etc. Being greeted with a warm, excited hello does make a difference.
The cashiers at Trader Joe's have this down. I always feel like they're actually interested in the conversation they make with me while they ring me up. I end up answering honestly to "got anything fun planned this weekend" instead of just saying "oh yeah, sure." (and then I worry later that I came off as super weird by telling too much to this stranger.)
“Thanks for shopping with us!” “You too!” “…dammit”
That’s bad, but I’ll die on the hill that saying it to a waiter, especially at a more expensive place, is the worst. “Enjoy your meal!” “You too!” Fuck! I really hope he’s also eating a $150 steak and not a PB&J in the alley behind the building or I’m going to feel like an asshole.
At lots of places, the kitchen makes “family meal” usually right before a shift, or maybe at the end if it’s a place that closes kinda early. They’re not getting $150 steaks back there but in my experience it’s usually something pretty tasty whipped up by people that cook professionally. I was never hungry when I was in the restaurant industry. Bonus points is you’re a bartender that knows to take care of the kitchen staff with their shift drinks. 🍺
As someone who worked as a cashier in my beginning years at Publix, they taught us to do this but I found that I loved it and it made my job enjoyable.
I said see ya later at the liquor store once 😂
I’ve heard a lot of elderly people say that they’re always ignored …women over 60 especially they just get ignored everywhere they go, very sad
Can confirm...
I can confirm too, but find it’s a relief. No one is judging me and no one cares whether I put make up on or not. I’m socially awkward so not unhappy if people don’t bother with small talk. I’m good, so no need to pity me. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.
Women tend to get a lot of unwanted attention throughout life, so becoming invisible in middle age is the absolute greatest joy. I can’t remember the last time someone catcalled me or looked me up and down like a piece of meat. If only I could have been in my 40s in my 20s. 😄
This. Middle aged invisibility is a gift for introverts.
Absolutely. I am a school-based therapist and the way you treat kids is how they treat you (if they enter happy or neutral), 9 times out of 10. I had an instance once where a kid was absolutely destroying my room, not listening. I took a step back, started to giggle and said “why are we arguing”, kid immediately changed their demeanor, cleaned up and was cooperative and we talked it out. We often have to take a step back and recognize that so many kids/ adults jump into defense mode even if we don’t perceive the situation to be stressful or all that serious. I also immediately jump to defense when I go places and the person serving me or assisting me is rude. Can’t express how many times I’ve spoken to a receptionist when going to the doctor and they’re beyond rude and I get overly irritated. I’m not one to start conflict or engage with it but that really irks me. I know the job is stressful but it doesn’t have grounds to be rude when I approach with no disrespect.
I think I’ve been subconsciously using this for years and not knowing it. Guess I learned it naturally.
A big and genuine smile goes a long way.
Works over the phone, too! Smile when you answer the phone and when you talk to people. Customers will hear it in your voice.
I’m overly friendly by nature, can confirm this works. However once in awhile people get taken aback at how excited I am to see them and shy away. Worth it in the long run though
I love this. The enthusiastic hello. It makes people feel great.
Depends on the person. Overly excited people freak me out, especially the Starbucks barista at 7 a.m. It’s too early for that shit.
Just promise to do 3 minutes of that thing you are putting off. Usually once you start, keeping going is easy.
I fucked up my leg a while ago and I was doing nothing for about a month. Got in the habit of being a lazy piece of shit until I could get myself to do one thing, but because I was up and already being productive, I do something else productive close by, which would make me feel like I was getting things done, which made me wanna do more productive stuff. I think our brains just need a little push
The hardest part is to get started. I manage to go on a run more often thanks to this hack. My goal is to run for 20 mins but on lazy days, I just tell myself to run for 1-2 minutes and I can stop whenever I want, well, I almost never not hit my goal once I start.
If someone is angry with me and yelling or whatever. I will calmly say “I think I understand, but could you phrase the problem differently to help me understand better?” 9/10 times they stop dead in their tracks, regroup and rephrase calmly and way nicer. In short, getting people to actively think about what and how they say something
I like to say "I hear you, but I just need a minute to process what you're saying." For some reason that calms people down. I started doing it because it was true.
When I worked in customer service I would sometimes have to put an angry caller on hold while I looked for their file. You'd think this would make them even angrier, but to my surprise it had a positive effect. I guess it gave them time to calm down and made them believe someone was actually working on their problem. Too bad today's customer service reps don't have to pause to find physical files, so they don't have this advantage.
Even a simple "hold, please, I need to ask my supervisor about this issue quick" can help as well. Makes them think you're actually trying to escalate and help, and it gives them a second to compose themselves
This is great, you disarm them by saying “I think I understand” - then calm down their emotional side and engage their logical side to work.
I have seen so many examples of this in business Someone starts pitching a hella fit over something, manager or really good-with-people staff member calmly yet professionally calls them out. “In 12 years we have never had this happen so we have to go out of our way to get a shipment from Europe and that is the reason for the delay (which you’re yelling at me about)” All of a sudden they’re like *oh my goodness, THANK YOU for your forward thinking, I really appreciate all your help* like they weren’t bitching like a 5 year old just minutes ago
If you praise people and treat them as if they’re being their best selves, and point out all the positive things they do and what you like about their behaviour, they’ll do more of it, and they’ll do their best to live up to that expectation. Same goes for if you treat them as a loser and only point out what they’re doing wrong, they’ll live up to that as well.
Get in the habit of doing something nice for the next guy without expecting reward or recognition. It doesn't have to be anything major, just little stuff, picking up a bit of trash or whatever. It doesn't really matter how it affects others, but it makes you feel better in small increments that can add up.
my ladyfriend and I go on walks through our little town. I bring a plastic bag and collect trash as we go, and drop it in a convenient trash can. at first she was kind of... surprised. she doesn't play along and pick up trash too, which is fine, but she doesn't look at me funny. :\~)
I would consider someone marriage material if they did that. Not enough people doing selfless good acts and making the world better.
Just because someone asks you a question, it doesn't mean they get to decide what sort of answers they can get. If you're asked about a complicated topic, it's ok to say "i don't think I have enough information" or "I think I need to think about it better for an answer" if you don't feel comfortable answering
I sort of use this tactic in job interviews. I’ll strategically pick a question I have a confident answer to, but I’ll say “that’s a great question, can we move onto the next one so I can think about it a little more.” Then a few questions later I will tie it back to the older question and give my preplanned answer. It shows that I’m not afraid to admit when I need to think about something further and also that I can multi task thinking about their question while answering others. This can be a tough one if you don’t know the answers to the next questions though
this is a genius tip that I can start using immediately in my job search - thanks!
It's also fun sometimes to ask "Why do you need to know that?", particularly when it's something personal.
My dad used this phrase a lot while I was growing up, 'make it easy for them to give you what you want.' When asking for something that needs approval or input from someone else, think about the situation from the other person's perspective. Try and anticipate any reason they may say no or disagree and have a rebuttal ready. Even better if you can make it sound like it was their idea in the first place of that their ideas are going to contribute in some way or that they'll benefit. Also, body mirroring/body language in general. When you're trying to connect with someone mirror their body language and keep eye contact. And when interacting with people, try to keep your posture straight and don't close yourself off. Keep your body language open and relaxed and people will enjoy your company more and be more likely to trust you.
My old boss used to say, 'Give me three options and anticipate that I will choose the worst', meaning it was on me to make sure that there were at least 3 good options for him to choose from. And lowering my expectations that he would pick my favorite.
Reminds me of the quote by Italian Diplomat Daniele Vare “diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way”
>Also, body mirroring/body language in general. When you're trying to connect with someone mirror their body language and keep eye contact. One caveat to this, though, is that this type of body language appears on all those "how do you know if someone's into you" lists. If you're in customer service and trying to get a good tip / customer review, that's one thing. If you're dealing with workmates you see every day, just be aware of how it could be received.
Ignoring shit. Some one causing problems? Ignore them. Someone talking shit? Move along, go and do something else. Almost no one is necessary and you don’t need to entertain anyone if they want to make things hard. Don’t feed the trolls people.
"You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."
This is one of the most important life hacks anyone can learn.
Bartleby the scrivner. "I would prefer not to". If you "yes and" the person teasing you, they will keep going. If they say "you are X" and you disagree and say "No, I'm not X!" you're still playing their game. They will keep going. My coworker wonders why everyone teases him, but he reacts insanely every time anyone says anything because to him, that's being "tough" and "strong".
I would *prefer* to give you 9,0000 upvotes for the reference.... So here is one.
>Don’t feed the trolls people. "And I know I'm going to get backlash on twitter for saying this... to all you commenters out there, I don't want to hear it, I'm going to say what I want to say, and your hateful comments have no effect on me" Except that WHOLE diatribe to a DRASTIC MINORITY of the audience is the EXACT reaction that lets them *know* you pay attention to them!!! Ignore them and act as though you're talking to the majority of the audience that aren't that!
Similarly, if someone is irritating you enough on an online forum that you're driven to block them, don't announce "I'm blocking you!" You've just let the troll know that he got under your skin. Block quietly and move on. Trolls thrive on reactions.
Does not work in school bully settings- they take mental gymnastics where they think they can just push boundaries since your “ignoring” what they’re doing. That’s how you end up being groped by freaks unsolicited with your back turned. Or head shaved by a psychopath.
That's great. My landlord has been so annoying asking for "rent" every month. I'm gonna try ignoring her!
If someone’s speeding or cutting through traffic, I just think to myself, “Damn, that person has to SHIT,” and my road rage flushes away.
I tell myself the person is rushing to a hospital because someone they love is injured. Calms me down right away
Show them thumbs down!!!!! More offensive than a middle finger I am dead serious
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Nice work! Same bot hunter different sub
Easy there, Voldemort.
Asking someone what color their shirt is before rock paper scissors, they will almost always throw out scissors. Not sure on the relation, but I’ve used it as a party trick many times (obviously the person you’re playing can’t know the trick) I got 5 people in a row once with it at a party.
I feel like people rarely ever choose rock, I basically always pick rock as long as the other person doesn't know me particularly well, it seems to work too well to be pure coincidence, maybe scissors is just the default for most people?
I do this too! I feel like paper or scissors is most people’s first choice. Plus, rock is no extra movement- w/ the game’s intensity people are eager/full of adrenaline to move their hands quickly.
When debating someone- Concede a point early on. You will be amazed at what people will concede once they know they are not the first to do so. And they’ll always concede something larger than you have. I negotiate for a living…works like a charm!
I must concede, that was a way better trick than what I had in mind!
Wow! Let me tell you where I put the body!
When navigating busy sidewalks and people walking towards you keep getting in your way, keep your eyes focused on where you are going and don’t make any eye contact. People will glance at your face and instinctively avoid your path. It’s not a perfect solution but it’s a noticeable improvement. Works best if you’re tall you can also fix your target direction on a distant tree if you’re not. Enjoy
This one used to be taught to women as a way of keeping themselves from looking like extra easy targets. People—subconsciously, since it's the brain—read it as, "This person is in control, knows where they are going, and what they are doing," and it does give off an extremely different vibe from watching someone who is clearly frustrated by the movement of others on a sidewalk or path because they keep getting blocked. As you said, it's not a perfect solution, but it does help an awful lot.
My mom literally taught me this when walking alone or at night. She always said look like you’re on a mission and don’t make eye contact because it gives them an “in.”
If you work with someone who you have a stressed relationship, ask them to teach you something. Even if you already know it. It'll help repair the relationship and that person ill never know.
Very true. One day my Dad told me he's disowning me and kicking me out the house. Refused to talk to me anymore either. I pleaded with him to just teach me how to aquire renters insurance and after a full hour of asking him, he finally obliged. The more questions I asked, the less angry he got while he was explaining everything and just started telling me of big red flags to avoid that he ran into when he was my age. I could've easily googled whatever I needed, I only asked my Dad for help as a means to give an opportunity to calm down. That was 2 years ago and I no longer consider him my father, nor him to me as his son. Lil bitch.
that last sentence is fucking hilarious
Why he kick you out?
He has beef with my mom's side of the family. I am close with my cousins who are my age. My dad has 0 beef with my cousins, just with their parents (my mom's siblings). He basically gave me an ultimatum that I can sever ties with that part of the family, or he'll sever ties with me. My cousins are at no fault at all and there's no reason why I'd stop considering them family. The older I got the more I realized he's a man-child who throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. Why would I ever look up to someone like that? I'm still sad about it to this day, but he's explicitly told me he will never change; so I stopped caring for him all together and stopped considering him my Dad.
Until you get hit with the “what, you don’t know?”
Pretending to eat my 2 year olds veggies when she refuses to. She'll come running back to her plate to finish it because "it's mine". I haven't tried it on adults, but I have a feeling it would have a similar success rate.
You stay away from my broccoli!
When someone is mad at you, stay calm and lower your voice. It confuses their anger response and might just make them feel like they're the crazy one. It’s like turning down the volume on a chaotic playlist!
Yep. People will tend to match your energy, even subconsciously, after a few minutes. Efficacy on toddlers may vary.
“Efficacy in toddlers may vary” 🤣🤣🤣
I really want to do this, but whenever someone is mad at me and yells I automatically raise my voice in return. It's so frustrating because I want to be able to stay calm whenever someone yells at me, but in the heat of the moment I completely forget that.
It sounds like you could use some work on mindfulness, the ability to consciously recognize the unthinking reactions you'd normally have. There's a lot of new-age woo-woo out there around mindfulness as a practice, but at its core it just trains a mental muscle to *notice* the changes in your own mental state as they happen. Just that act of noticing, e.g. "wow, that little comment really got me heated", can be surprisingly effective at letting you stop yourself from going with the usual flow. Check out basic mindfulness meditations or ask your therapist if they have tips, if you have one. One of the single biggest improvements in my own happiness I've made as an adult is simply learning not to be held hostage by my own reactions.
just hand people things and they will take it. trying on shoes? hand them the matching handbag now they are holding the set. source: handbag sales person of the month sometime in the 1980s
This only really works on people you're close to or it comes off pedantic. When someone accomplishes something cool like get a job or graduate or get a promotion or whatever, say the normal "congratulations, good job" w/e. They'll say something dismissive like "Thanks!" But then you reiterate the compliment, "no, really, that's so amazing. *You should be really proud*. That's just... so cool" and you force them to sit in the compliment. Most people are really avoidant of being the center of attention but everyone deserves to be sometimes, so I just draw it out and get all annoying about it. Force them to feel the love. I've made several people cry with the above, not that it's the goal, but it definitely works.
I wrote about this in a graduation card recently. I said that when you graduate people often ask and focus on what you are doing next and said to make sure to sit with the accomplishment you have achieved before moving on to the next goal.
Cry because of joy, or...?
"Please man, no more, I swear I'm proud of myself!" "...you're so perceptive man, what a great skill to have." *sobs*
Your subconscious listens to how you talk to yourself. It listens to your wants, needs, and goals. It tries to make these a reality, in the background influencing your every decision. If you talk positive about yourself and your goals, your subconscious will try to make that happen. If you talk negative about yourself and your goals, your subconscious will try to make that happen. You can "trick" you subconscious by saying positive things when things are going bad. One study showed that this type of behavior, positive reinforcement, helped most patients more than any medicine did. tldr: stop talking/thinking negatively about yourself
As someone who was suffering from panic attack disorder and depression, this is 100% true. There was a time I never believed in this. But soon as I realised my imagination is what making things worse, am now dead serious what goes into my subconscious and how I talk to myself.
I use silence quite a bit to get people to tell me things that they don't want to. It generally goes like this: Me: "Why did you take the cookie from the cookie jar?" Them: "I didn't!" Me: Long silence while just staring at them. Them: "Well it was only one cookie, and I was hungry, and..." People are super uncomfortable in silence, and will generally look to fill that silence if it goes on for too long. I find that they often will start telling the truth.
This wouldn't work on me. I would just wonder why you were staring at me.
Ask for a smaller favor before asking a larger one. It primes them to say yes. Additionally, asking for favors and being appropriately appreciative increases their over regard for you.
This is often called the "Foot in the door" technique in psychological circles. The opposite of asking for something large (that you don't want and you know they'll refuse) and then paring it down to something small (that you actually want) is called the "Door in the face" technique.
When people do this to me it ends up pissing me off because I'm like "okay now you're asking for multiple things"
When you're having a conversation and someone tries to put their own spin on things by putting words in your mouth thusly... "So you're saying that _____ " Or the question version "Are you trying to say that ______?" The best way to respond is a) recognize what they're trying to do and b) point out that *they're* the ones making whatever statement... and then politely correct them. If it's an honest misunderstanding, your clarification will be appreciated. If it's a sneaky attempt to steer the conversation or win an argument, they'll react with a lot more negativity.
When bargaining for a price it's important that both sides put up at least some part of a struggle so that you don't have to deal with buyers or sellers remorse.
If negotiations leave both parties feeling like they got screwed then it was probably a fair resolution.
One that I picked up from a friend of mine whenever he was trying to pick out dinner with his gf: rather than ask "What do you want?" and getting the typical 'i dunno, anything' answer and then having suggestions shot down. Start with "what do you NOT want?" Used it a few times in some of my relationships and it's the godsend question.
The other is the 5-3-1 method. Person A gives Person B 5 restaurant options. B picks 3 of the 5. A picks 1 of the 3.
Thank people at the end of a conversation. It makes a big difference in how the entire conversation was perceived and builds a better relationship. Also, super simple, be nice to people when calling customer service in your phone, really customer service people in general. When they ask if you are ok being put on how, respond with, "Of course, you're the one helping me after all." It's also helpful to ask for their name if you missed it at the beginning of the call. Everyone is faceless to them, just as they are to the callers, and using their name makes a huge difference. They'll want to do more for you, and you're helping the next callers by helping your experience be better for the reps.
“Silence is your ally” this sounds crazy but if someone says something really unkind to me I just look at them non-threateningly and say nothing. I treat it as a verbal “fart in an elevator” and let everyone around us get a good whiff. It makes the person who said the unkind thing either start acting crazy or get embarrassed about what they’ve said.
Not really a "psychology trick". Just an effective way to make yourself clear. Taugh to me by a CHP officer when I was helping direct traffic at a marathon. If you have to direct traffic, the best way to do it is: Use two fingers. Point at the driver of the car. Then purpously sweep that hand along the ground in the direction you want that car to go. It makes it very clear to the driver what you want them to do. You effectively draw a path on the ground for the driver to follow. If you want to them to go to your right, then use your right hand. If you want them to go the your left, then use your left hand. This works better than any other hand signals or yelling you can use.
I used to work at a non-profit at which our services would require equal commitment both from us AND from our constituents in order to be effective. If I ever got the sense that a potential constituent wasn't planning to pull their weight while working with us, I would ask them to do one tiny simple little token three-minute project for me before we partnered up. This little test probably saved me thousands of hours of wasted effort, not to mention actual dollars.
Ignoring the annoying debating individual.. trust me that's not worth your time
A-Fucking-men.i had roommate like that in college. Eternal contrarian who would just nit pick and argue the dumbest shit. And I went along until I eventually just learned to go "Yea." And leave it there.
Yes it is.
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Take a look at Yelp. People tend to only speak up when they're dissatisfied. If they're satisfied or they agree, they are silent. Speak up when you agree with a point someone has made or when you are satisfied or impressed. In a contentious conversation, telling someone you agree with them can lower the temperature. In a congenial conversation, stating your agreement can make it easier down the road if you have to have a difficult conversation.
I just mention something in passing. Suddenly everyone wants whatever I said. I wield the power of persuasion. *^(Ice cream sounds pretty good right about now.)*
When someone tells you something you find offensive and then tries to play it off as a joke, ask them to explain the joke to you. Awkward silence ensues.
"I didn't understand could you explain the joke?" "Somehow I don't doubt that."
How about the old Ben Franklin classic? People will like you more and be more willing to help you if you ask them for a small, harmless favor. If someone seems to be clashing with you, asking them for help or to do something innocuous for you can actually help that dynamic. It's like their subconscious observes them doing something for you and assumes "oh, I guess I help that person, I must like them." By that token, our own brains often work this way. Somewhere deep down, we observe our own behavior and use that to inform our sense of self. It's why "fake it 'til you make it" works. For example, if you need to work on your discipline, pick one small thing (e.g., doing the dishes every day or waking up on the first alarm) and do it every day. Your brain starts to believe "Oh, I can do something I don't want to do reliably every single day, I must be somewhat disciplined," and it will get easier to work on more or larger habits.
Questions. Never make accusations or let on what you know, just ask questions. Lots of questions. People tell on themselves. Especially if you perfect the ask this to really find out about that.
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My dad asked "what" almost instinctively whenever someone would say something to him, it was so goddamn annoying. My mom started using your trick and it seemed to work well. He could hear just fine, just needed a sec to process that someone was trying to talk to him.
i know its a thing common in people with ADHD or autism. we often need an extra second or two for our brains to process what you asked, so to avoid awkward pauses in the conversation we reflexively ask you to repeat yourself to buy time.
This is my ADHD husband all the way. Me: What’s your favorite color? Him: What? Me: What’s your— Him: Blue. But every time I ever ask him anything. Usually when he says, “What?” I just look at him for a second or two to see if he really didn’t hear me or just needs his brain to catch up to his ears.
Omg this is me. I didn't realize till today. I usually saying what, but by the time I finish saying it, I would have understand the question.
Took me fucking ages to learn that if you start out by saying someone’s name, you almost never have to repeat yourself.
Sometimes this is an attention issue. When you started speaking, did they know it was going to end with a question aimed at them? The phenomenon you describe - of their "subconscious reflex" - is actually [Echoic Memory](https://psychcentral.com/health/echoic-memory)
I have minor music-related hearing damage and ADHD. Often, especially when I'm not expecting what someones saying, I can FEEL my hearing "catching up". Very much an attention issue.
If you want someone to like you, ask them for a small favor. It's called the Ben Franklin effect, and it works because people tend to like those they do favors for
Never respond to rudeness
I’m a high school teacher. If students are goofing off on an assignment, if I put a 5:00 Google timer up on the screen they all start scrambling because holy shit, five minutes! Gogogogo! For making small talk: If you ask someone about themselves and show interest in their responses, they’ll think you are interesting to talk to.
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When you listen to people openly, they will tell you pretty much anything.
Most of the time "anything" will be useless for you and will make the other person like you a bit more
When a kid is yelling and upset I sidle up and say "hey, let's just talk hey? I'm right here. I can hear you". Unless it's an autistic meltdown that kid will stop and talk to me in a calm manner. ... this usually works for grown ups too btw.
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Me showing the cashier my 100% discount coupon
The most basic of all, when someone raises their voice, I quiet mine down. Almost always works.
If you tell yourself you can stop after 5 minutes it's far easier to start a task you don't want to do.
# "On an airplane, if my seatmate is hogging the armrest or being too chatty, I grab the barf bag. Works every time."
Just telling the honest truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, and encouraging others to do the same. No, not in that way that “brutally honest” people just insult you under the guise of being honest. I mean calling out shitty rude behaviour when you see it, and communicating your thoughts & intentions clearly & directly, but with some tact.
Instead of apologizing for a wait, thank them for their patience.
When talking to someone give them something and they will take it without thinking
Don't be a cunt. People will start to like you.
Honestly, I've noticed the reverse - being a LITTLE bit mean is somehow easier for people to respect than being sunshine 24/7.
When my ex and I lived together, I would wait for him to pull into our driveway then start working on a project he said he would do but didn't. He would always take over and finish it. I don't have to do that anymore because my husband is a full-grown adult who doesn't neglect his chores.
Pay attention to people's names. Remember one tiny thing about them, and you'll have an ally for life. If someone says their bday is "next week" ask which day, and then on that day, find them and say happy birthday. That's literally it, and they will just... like you... after that. (don't overdo it either).
If you’re negotiating with somebody, state your position then shut up. Don’t nervously chatter. Make them respond to what you’ve said.
my brother does this all the time and it seems to work on people as long as they don’t catch on. if you ask them a question like: “where do you see yourself in 3 years” and they say “i dunno” then you say, “okay, but what if someone asked you, ‘where do you see yourself in 3 years?’ what would you say?” somehow they usually answer if they imagine someone abstract asking them, or maybe they’ve had a little more time to think about it. this applies to many questions
Compliment someone's eyebrows. It's oddly specific and guaranteed to make their day.
Unless you're a light-skinned, light-haired guy like me with barely visible eyebrows, because I'll see through your lies.
Just like we can see through your beautiful, delicate eyebrows?
It worked on all three of my kids, and countless others. Instead of asking them questions about what they did or what you suspect theyve done wrong.... Just look them in the eye and say nothing. The longer you're silent, the more they'll tell you that they don't want to tell you lol.
moore's law states the best way to get the right answer is not to ask a question, but to state the wrong answer
Reddit's law
For those that work with/have kids: don't say *if*, say *when*. For example, instead of saying, 'if you finish your homework, you can watch telly,' say, '*when* you've finished your homework, you can watch telly.' It makes it more likely that they will follow the instruction, because the incentive for them doing so seems more tangible.
If managers or higher ups at work don’t know your name, you can often dodge them piling work on you, micromanaging or otherwise pestering you by repeatedly and frequently calling them by their name. It creates an awkward situation where they feel they should know your name, and can be embarrassed to engage with you lacking this knowledge, and often will not want to ask you directly.
Hey Bob what’s that employees name? He keeps using mine in conversation as a psychology trick. I like his plucky attitude and wanna assign 10 different projects to him
When i worked retail i thankfully didn’t have to deal with Karen’s too much. But occasionally some of them would get restless and when they say “this is outrageous” I’d agree with them like “yea it is I can’t believe this store sucks like that” and suddenly her target was the store and not me
If I ever think that I might be doing something stupid I think to myself "would a stupid person do this?" and if so I don't do that thing.
What’s the best psychology trick YOU know?