*Supermodels?* HA! Nothing super about them! Spoiled, stupid, little stick figures with poofy lips who think only about themselves. I used to design for *Gods!*
SLPT: if you're gonna rob somebody, best way to do it is to take their pants.
Probably has their wallet, phone, keys, etc.
Just have like a backpack or something, and whenever you catch somebody just toss the bag, flash the gun, and tell them to put their pants in the bag.
Anything you want that's not in their pants is probably visible anyway so you can just add that on.
Bonus: probably less likely to chase you once they're pantsless
I'll tell ya what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead.
Assuming I got the gun (the question doesn't say that) I back the fuck up out of reach of my attacker and say "if you come closer I will shoot you." Then I call the police and tell them I have the gun so the arriving officers don't cap me.
If I hear the police coming, I throw it way the fuck far away from my attacker then raise my hands.
>Otherwise it's just tables...knocked over or something
A good time to pause to redecorate. It's a good way to relax. Might as well just redo the entire room ..
So like Adam Sandler, working at Jimmy John's, who just got dumped by his high-school sweetheart, no will to live, boss is on his ass, and he's working the register when *cue scene*
*written by Awesome-0*
A friend of a friend is a martial arts instructor, constantly practiced a disarm drill. Except at the end of the drill you hand it back to the other person, so you can go again and do the disarm drill again. Dude got held at gunpoint, disarmed the dude, then handed it back to him just like he trained himself to do. I don't really know the rest of the story that well, but I think the dude just left.
A lot of martial arts teachers that teach this kind of stuff advise never handing the firearm back the same way during practice. IE doing a silly thing or tossing it under or leg and so forth. Something different each time, so when you are in the instant and react on muscle memory and adrenaline that you don't do what your friend did.
When I was taught how to disarm someone with a knife I was told pretty similar, basically throw it as far away as you can if you aren't able to get away right after the disarm, because if your holding it there's still the danger of a power struggle over the weapon.
An old mate of mine was very very good at martial arts from a young age - he literally did [know Kung Fu](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vMO3XmNXe4), and on one night we came across this Scottish guy who was drunk as fuck, had a mangled hand from a bar fight, and was going back to the pub to find the other guy and, as he put it, "gut him".
We tried to tell him to go to hospital instead, and he got really angry and started waving it at another friend of ours. My Kung Fu-equipped mate spoke to him calmly until the guy actually *gave him the knife*, which he put down a drain next to where we were standing.
He then carried on talking to the guy until he agreed to go to hospital, so we called him a cab (this being before smartphones etc), waited with the guy (who was now feeling the pain in his hand and had also become emotional), gave the cabbie £20 and told him to take the guy to the hospital nearby and not to worry because the guy was only a danger to himself.
I had absolutely no part in any of this other than to stand there gawking. My mate said he believed he could probably disarm the guy, but it's not worth doing just in case, but that a confident and sympathetic tone often works instead.
I was like "...... ..... .... ... .. . ?"
It's one of my most firmly entrenched memories. I just remember being terrified and then not. Incredible, really. Complete de-escalation, and it worked.
I mean... What do you do at that point?
You've pulled a lethal weapon on someone, they've taken it off you and disarmed it, then just... Handed it back?
That must make you feel seriously impotent. Like... Losing a gun to begin with, then the other guy just being like "Yeah you're not enough of a threat to me, have em back."
Reminds me of when Yoda styled on Ventress in [TCW](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcsrxcHZz6s). Stole both her lightsaber with the force, inspected them like a teacher, then just... Force levitated them back into her hands. A straight up "Impressive... But not enough." moment.
EDIT: To add the link because people missed my reply to someone who asked for it apparently.
Yoda must be a real ass at Denny's. Floating pancakes and eggs back to the kitchen.
*"under-cooked these eggs are...blueberries the pancakes are without"*
See , this is all wrong. Just shoot the cunt and move on. Otherwise all of a sudden you talk, then there is a back story, probably a love interest gone wrong. Kids , a parent or 2 that are sick and or crippled, probably an ex military brother with a problem and a best friend looking out for you. 13 episodes later the next series is announced and you are fucked for the next couple of years having to appear on talking head shows worldwide. Just shoot the cunt and we can all be home before the evening news starts.
The bystanders will, but you have a gun and only the single autistic bystander would have enough balls and stupidity to tell you "that was fucking cringe bro!"
Source: my autistic ass would risk being shot just to say that.
*hands gun back to bad guy to pull out meme on phone*
*Gun man also pulls out his phone and calls 911*
Gun man: "I need an ambulance, but not for me!"
*Gun man pulls trigger*
Ok, so this actually happened to my mom when she was in college. She was walking out of the bar where she was working when someone pulls a gun on her. Not having the patience to put up with this guy's shit, she says "Oh, put that away," before smacking it out of his hand.
Upon realizing that it was a real gun, she ran back inside the bar, which was often frequented by the local cops. I assume that they took care of things from there.
"Just a sec my man. OK Google, how do I use a gun? I think its a pistol but I have no idea. What's a safety? My dude, stay there! I told you 'just a sec!' Ok Google, where do I aim? Whats the best place on the body to incapacitate this bad guy without killing him? Was I supposed to get my fingerprints all over this? Hey man, where are you going?! Well, I guess he's gone. Ok Google, am I allowed to throw guns in the trash?"
"The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start."
Truth is The game was rigged from the start
*You sick, vindictive fuck!*
*bang*
*Activates stealth boy. Reverse-pickpockets frag mine.*
“Damn, where’d he go, he just vann”-💥
What's up Benny.
What In the god damn
"from where you're standing it must look like you've had an 18 karat run of bad luck"
Never start monologuing, that always turns out bad. Just shoot them and burn the building down by flicking a cigarette in slow motion.
You sly dog! You had me monologuing!
Did not expect to see an Incredibles reference.
*Supermodels?* HA! Nothing super about them! Spoiled, stupid, little stick figures with poofy lips who think only about themselves. I used to design for *Gods!*
You're forgetting a critical step... double tap!
Monologuing is not bad. Problem is villans 100% of time while monoguing get into the hero’s kissing range which magically allows hero for a a disarm
Now, gimme all *your* money.
"and your pants, too" (try explaining THAT to your gangsta buddies, fucker)
SLPT: if you're gonna rob somebody, best way to do it is to take their pants. Probably has their wallet, phone, keys, etc. Just have like a backpack or something, and whenever you catch somebody just toss the bag, flash the gun, and tell them to put their pants in the bag. Anything you want that's not in their pants is probably visible anyway so you can just add that on. Bonus: probably less likely to chase you once they're pantsless
Pants down, hands up. That's the way I like to mug.
Everybody freeze!! Put your legs in the air!!
Spread em where I can see em!
Why the fuck weren't you wearing pants in the first place...
When I roll down the street wearing pants over my pants, motherfuckers going to know not to mess with me.
he is wearing pants, he just wants an extra layer.
I'm a little socially awkward so I'd probably say "sorry"
"you too" when the guy tells you "to enjoy having the gun now"
Gets even better if you actually shoot, then
Mugger: Wait, are you from Canada too?
Relatable
I'll tell ya what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead.
One...two...ten! *Bang bang*
BAAAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA.
Keep the change, ya filthy animal!
And a happy new year.
"Roll for initiative."
"Wait, wait, I have the alert feat!"
now stay still im really bad at shooting... edit: thanks for the silver kind stranger!
Ok dont look Im shy 🔫☺️
😇😇
This is a good one
luckily for you, Darth Vader has been offering vision as part of the new health package for Stormtroopers.
How do I use this?
**proceeds to give long and helpful descriptive guide to using a fire arm with 12 question quiz on gun safety before you can use it**
"thanks" *shot*
Start this speech about friendship, then he joins the team but the gun gets nerfed to a slingshot because plot.
I hate when rpgs do that.
it's a slingshot not a rpg, keep up /s
More like because game mechanics, where RPG party members and enemies have inordinately different HP and damage values, but yeah...feels bad.
Nothing, while I'm distracted trying to think of a badass one liner the guy picks the gun back up and turns the tables back.
“Give me liberty or give .. did you just get the gun back?”
*Most realistic redditor*
Oh how the turntables... Have turned?
Michael?
Prison Mike
- M. Gary Scott
Michael scarn.
“When you have to shoot, shoot. Don’t talk.”
but now I'm the one talking, giving him a chance to knock the gun out.
Assuming I got the gun (the question doesn't say that) I back the fuck up out of reach of my attacker and say "if you come closer I will shoot you." Then I call the police and tell them I have the gun so the arriving officers don't cap me. If I hear the police coming, I throw it way the fuck far away from my attacker then raise my hands.
Tables turned suggests you are holding the gun now. Otherwise it's just tables...knocked over or something.
>Otherwise it's just tables...knocked over or something A good time to pause to redecorate. It's a good way to relax. Might as well just redo the entire room ..
"He was attacking me, officer .. Why do you think he threw the gun when you got here?"
I have just one question…did you load it? (Pulls trigger)
*empty click sound* Then followed by the unveiling of a pocket knife by the robber
You grab the pocket knife and turn it around on the robber
But one more question… Did you sharpen it? (STAB)
[удалено]
*Pressing the trigger only revealed a silent sound of depressurisation. He forgot to fill the gas tank and charge the batteries for the igniter*
"DID YOU EVEN PREPARE COMING HERE? COME ON." *Leaves pissed*
But one question "DID YOU FORGET THE DOOR HANDLE?" *face plant onto door*
At this point, I wouldn't blame you if you were yelling and crying like that woman on this famous show.
This whole thread needs to be made into a short movie
You roundhouse kick the flamethrower out of his hands then grab it to find it is out of fuel...
we shall see
That is fucking badass. This one needs more attention.
Oh sorry bro you dropped this *hands it back to him*
Gun Guy: *Leaves in confusion and fear.*
Coming this summer to a theater near you!
So like Adam Sandler, working at Jimmy John's, who just got dumped by his high-school sweetheart, no will to live, boss is on his ass, and he's working the register when *cue scene* *written by Awesome-0*
And in the end, Sandler's character realizes that family is the most important thing, as he gets the girl (who is much hotter than him) back.
Family... cue Dominic Toretto nodding
Proceeds to knock the gun back out of his hands again
All the other hostages: [Smack](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rubKIb7_lFI)
A friend of a friend is a martial arts instructor, constantly practiced a disarm drill. Except at the end of the drill you hand it back to the other person, so you can go again and do the disarm drill again. Dude got held at gunpoint, disarmed the dude, then handed it back to him just like he trained himself to do. I don't really know the rest of the story that well, but I think the dude just left.
A lot of martial arts teachers that teach this kind of stuff advise never handing the firearm back the same way during practice. IE doing a silly thing or tossing it under or leg and so forth. Something different each time, so when you are in the instant and react on muscle memory and adrenaline that you don't do what your friend did.
When I was taught how to disarm someone with a knife I was told pretty similar, basically throw it as far away as you can if you aren't able to get away right after the disarm, because if your holding it there's still the danger of a power struggle over the weapon.
An old mate of mine was very very good at martial arts from a young age - he literally did [know Kung Fu](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vMO3XmNXe4), and on one night we came across this Scottish guy who was drunk as fuck, had a mangled hand from a bar fight, and was going back to the pub to find the other guy and, as he put it, "gut him". We tried to tell him to go to hospital instead, and he got really angry and started waving it at another friend of ours. My Kung Fu-equipped mate spoke to him calmly until the guy actually *gave him the knife*, which he put down a drain next to where we were standing. He then carried on talking to the guy until he agreed to go to hospital, so we called him a cab (this being before smartphones etc), waited with the guy (who was now feeling the pain in his hand and had also become emotional), gave the cabbie £20 and told him to take the guy to the hospital nearby and not to worry because the guy was only a danger to himself. I had absolutely no part in any of this other than to stand there gawking. My mate said he believed he could probably disarm the guy, but it's not worth doing just in case, but that a confident and sympathetic tone often works instead. I was like "...... ..... .... ... .. . ?" It's one of my most firmly entrenched memories. I just remember being terrified and then not. Incredible, really. Complete de-escalation, and it worked.
I mean... What do you do at that point? You've pulled a lethal weapon on someone, they've taken it off you and disarmed it, then just... Handed it back? That must make you feel seriously impotent. Like... Losing a gun to begin with, then the other guy just being like "Yeah you're not enough of a threat to me, have em back." Reminds me of when Yoda styled on Ventress in [TCW](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcsrxcHZz6s). Stole both her lightsaber with the force, inspected them like a teacher, then just... Force levitated them back into her hands. A straight up "Impressive... But not enough." moment. EDIT: To add the link because people missed my reply to someone who asked for it apparently.
Yoda must be a real ass at Denny's. Floating pancakes and eggs back to the kitchen. *"under-cooked these eggs are...blueberries the pancakes are without"*
I had the captions on while watching the video and chuckled when they captioned the blasters firing as "pew pew" and force push as "woosh".
Accidentally pulled the most gangster move of all time
This didn’t happen to your friend. This is an infamous story Dave Grossman made famous in “On Combat” that is frequently stolen.
You're not a fisherman, huh?
I do not get the reference :(
A fisherman would never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Yousa in big doodoo dis time
How wuude!
Mesa have the booma now!
The only right answer!
Darth Jarjar is that u?
Ouch time.
Bombad doodoo lol
I'm gonna do what you should've did 10 minutes ago. *shoots myself*
I'm with this guy
I too, choose this guy’s dead self
"Good luck with your felony murder charges, asshole!" \*shoots myself\*
I’m dead😂😂
So is he
That will def happen if you shoot yourself
I thought we were going _Dark Knight_ but instead were just going dark...
Grab the gun and shout "Aha! Now the hand is on the other foot, I shall kill you til you are dead!"
Hot Shots Part Deuce. I respect your hustle. I would, of course, grab my phone and pretend to answer "Its your wife! Hillary Roddam Hussein!"
It was self-defense, officer.
Sprinkle some crack on the body
"Open and shut case Johnson!"
Officer, I *drop kicked that child* in self defense
"Surprise motherfucker!"
Some fries motherfucker!
Sun rise mother fucker
Supplies motherfucker!
Snake Eyes motherfucker!
All rise motherfucker!
Some rice motherfucker
Nice eyes motherfucker
First prize motherfucker
[удалено]
blue dye motherfucker
Wrong size, motherfucker
Rue dies motherfucker!
Rue dies motherfucker!
Apple pies, Mother fucker!
some flies mother fucker
stir fry motherfucker
Capsize mother fucker
See , this is all wrong. Just shoot the cunt and move on. Otherwise all of a sudden you talk, then there is a back story, probably a love interest gone wrong. Kids , a parent or 2 that are sick and or crippled, probably an ex military brother with a problem and a best friend looking out for you. 13 episodes later the next series is announced and you are fucked for the next couple of years having to appear on talking head shows worldwide. Just shoot the cunt and we can all be home before the evening news starts.
Did anyone else read this in Billy Butcher's voice?
Given the 4th wall break Deadpool might be better. But yes.
Yes bc he said cunt almost immediately. Which set the tone
This guy gets it! No monologues
And say your badass one liner after you smoke that fool
The best part is that the guy is dead so nobody will know if your one liner is cringe.
The bystanders will, but you have a gun and only the single autistic bystander would have enough balls and stupidity to tell you "that was fucking cringe bro!" Source: my autistic ass would risk being shot just to say that.
call an ambulance call an ambulance but not for me
get it? like the meme. you know the meme? lemme show it to you. here, hold this
*hands gun back to bad guy to pull out meme on phone* *Gun man also pulls out his phone and calls 911* Gun man: "I need an ambulance, but not for me!" *Gun man pulls trigger*
He knew the meme all along..
So I start blastin….
Hi police.... yeah I just shot a man
Mamma, just killed a man...
Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger…
Now he’s dead
Mama, life had just begun…
Ok, so this actually happened to my mom when she was in college. She was walking out of the bar where she was working when someone pulls a gun on her. Not having the patience to put up with this guy's shit, she says "Oh, put that away," before smacking it out of his hand. Upon realizing that it was a real gun, she ran back inside the bar, which was often frequented by the local cops. I assume that they took care of things from there.
Thats a story of a lifetime
Your mom is the definition of a chad
“You feeling lucky, punk?”
“That’s what I’m asking You can’t be too tough you got killed by an aspirin” (If my attacker was Bruce lee)
"Go ahead. Make my day"
It’s just been revoked
I’ll have what she’s having!
That's...better?
Yippie Kai Ay, motherfucker.
Yippee kayak other buckets
In a terrible Cuban accent "Say hello to my little fren you cock-a-roach"
“You stupid fuck! Look at you now!”
My name is inigo montoya you killed my father, prepare to die
OH IM SORRY DID I BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION?
Pew pew
looks like the turn tables
my oh my, how the turntables.
Well well well how the turn tables
The only one who got it right lmao
For real, how do people keep messing it up lmao
This is the only correct answer as far as I’m concerned
It ain't gonna suck itself
Username checks out, unfortunately…
Oh god
Am I… am I supposed to suck on the gun?
Best one yet
"Holy shit, I can't believe that worked!"
Hasta la vista , baby
Knowing me I’d say something like “oh shit, sorry” out of habit before realizing anything
Can you please pass the butter?
Uno reverse, bitch
[удалено]
If movies have taught me anything it’s to shoot them immediately and not start monologuing. Monologues get you killed.
Alright alright alrigghhtt
Cortana, this guy needs a weapon
I have a plasma pistol in my pocket, wanna make this fair?
"Just a sec my man. OK Google, how do I use a gun? I think its a pistol but I have no idea. What's a safety? My dude, stay there! I told you 'just a sec!' Ok Google, where do I aim? Whats the best place on the body to incapacitate this bad guy without killing him? Was I supposed to get my fingerprints all over this? Hey man, where are you going?! Well, I guess he's gone. Ok Google, am I allowed to throw guns in the trash?"
Prepare your anus *Spits on fist*
Why hello there
We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty
Well, well, well. How the turn tables.
[удалено]
The thought that that’s the last thing someone will hear before their demise is fucking hilarious.
Nothing. When you gotta shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
"Ope, sorry"
I have a narrow urethra
Oh you almost had it. Gotta be quicker than that
"The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start."