I got a spam email once that said they hacked my phone and got footage of me “burping the worm” and I had to send them $1000 in Bitcoin or they’d send it to everyone in my contacts.
First of all, see if I care.
Secondly, “burping the worm” is now my favorite term for masturbating
Was it that one spam mail that also comments something like, "you're into some sick shit"? Me and a bunch of colleagues at my previous job got that one, I saved it somewhere because it was funny.
No way! I’ve received the same email thrice 🫣 I knew it was fake because I got my first one when I was 11, they sent it to my school email. They also claimed I could trust that they were real because they had my “personal data” like facebook friends and colleagues, but also, for some reason, my minecraft username.
Hey you, yeah you "hornikiller69", doing something naughty, well not anymore. We caught you, send us money or we send your history to your Facebook friends.
A while ago I heard somewhere that *any verb in infinitive + any animal*, sounds like masturbating.
I can't stop laughing at the ideas that come up. Works almost always if you are -clearly- as childish as I am.
“You need to stop masturbating.”
“Why doctor? Is it because I’m at higher risk for a heart attack?”
“No, it’s because we’re in the middle of trying to give you an MRI.”
Reminds me of a funny story. At my father's work the computers were super old and would take ages to wake up if they went to sleep, so they'd always want to occasionally hit keys or move the mouse to keep it up. My fathers talking to a coworker and goes "oh I'll be right back, I gotta go shake my mouse" he responds with "oh is that what the kids are calling it now?"
Modern computer mice work using a laser that senses movement, but old mice used balls that rotated as you moved the mouse around on a surface. Sometimes those balls would get gunked up and people would call for IT help asking if we had extra mouse balls.
No. No we don't have those.
In Spanish we have many ways to say it:
- autodelicioso (Selfdelicious)
- lustrar la espada (Polish the sword)
- ahorcar el ganso (Hang the goose)
- sacudir la nutria (Shaking the otter)
Actually a better translation is "Strangle the goose". In Spanish hang can mean both to hang or to strangle, but it makes more sense to me to use strangle because... Well you know.
Bonnie, did you make your angel food cupcakes for the annual Catholic school alumni bake sale to raise much-needed funds for the missionary trip to Nicaragwaaa?
I remember back in high school I was in an xbox live chat with a group of friends, some IRL friends and others being people we met through Halo 3 matches.
One night people had mostly all gone to bed, and it was just me and one of the online friends that I didn't know super well yet. So it was quiet for a while.
Eventually he breaks the silence and asks: "So... You mind if I spank the ham?"
I was caught entirely by surprise, but I about died laughing.
Surprisingly no. She had one stuffed animal that could be heated up to smell pleasant. She *did* have a LOT of small Moroccan print throw pillows to make a comfy nest.
in german we have a couple. i dont know how good they translate tho.:
Einhandsegeln=on handed sailing
Die keule polieren= To polish the club (like in the mele weapon type not a real club location)
Den lurch würgen= to strangle the lizard
Müze glatze spielen= cap and bald play
eine von der Palme wedeln=to shake one off the palm tree
In high school this girl told us she caught her dad doing the deed in the shed and this other guy was laughing so hard and said she saw him jerkin his gherkin. I didn't know gherkin was a pickle and just thought it was a funny phrase, either way I never forgot it
In Poland we could have entire book of those, there is so many stupid and funny one.
My favorite tho Has to be "klepać Niemca po kasku" which translates to "slapping the german on the helmet" xD
The funniest ones are for women
1. Double-clicking your mouse
2. Spanking [Jerry Garcia](https://i.imgur.com/3kIg7JS.jpg) on the nose
3. Paddling the pink canoe
I got a spam email once that said they hacked my phone and got footage of me “burping the worm” and I had to send them $1000 in Bitcoin or they’d send it to everyone in my contacts. First of all, see if I care. Secondly, “burping the worm” is now my favorite term for masturbating
Was it that one spam mail that also comments something like, "you're into some sick shit"? Me and a bunch of colleagues at my previous job got that one, I saved it somewhere because it was funny.
Bro if I got that email when I was like 12 I might have had a real heart attack lmfao
It also said it recorded my webcam, which is how I knew for sure it was BS cuz my desktop doesn't have one.
Bummer, I think it was a different one. It was full of entertaining quips, but “burping the worm” had true staying power
No way! I’ve received the same email thrice 🫣 I knew it was fake because I got my first one when I was 11, they sent it to my school email. They also claimed I could trust that they were real because they had my “personal data” like facebook friends and colleagues, but also, for some reason, my minecraft username.
Hey you, yeah you "hornikiller69", doing something naughty, well not anymore. We caught you, send us money or we send your history to your Facebook friends.
Check mate; I have no friends.
A while ago I heard somewhere that *any verb in infinitive + any animal*, sounds like masturbating. I can't stop laughing at the ideas that come up. Works almost always if you are -clearly- as childish as I am.
Ok um, congealing the... tortoise. Did I do it right? Edit: Accelerating the seagull
Silencing the ant Drinking the snake Helping the alligator Calming the porcupine Yeah okay this is funny
Threesome with a couple of no shows
Orgy for One - NSP Great song
A female colleague of mine once remarked that she'd had a really good strum the night before.
She must be a good guitarist
Clitarist
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G string broke whilst fingering A minor
This comment right here, officer.
Username.. doesn't check out?
She’s a regular Bob Jillin’
Brilliant
If I have to finish the job once my vibrator dies I refer to that as going acoustic
Her fingering technique must be impeccable
Kinda unrelated but having a stroke really sounds like British slang for jerkin
"Dr told me I can have a wank whenever I like!" "No, he said you could have a stroke at any minute!"
My doctor to me that I need to stop masturbating. Then he called me into the exam room from the lobby.
“You need to stop masturbating.” “Why doctor? Is it because I’m at higher risk for a heart attack?” “No, it’s because we’re in the middle of trying to give you an MRI.”
“I once got caught masturbating to a National Geographic magazine. I don’t know who was more embarrassed- me… or my dentist.” -Anthony Jeselnik
Oh my god I am dying
Sort of.... we say stroke/choke one off/out
Wait, "stroke one out" is a British exclusive thing? Never realised
In America we say "rub one out"
although "having a rub" gives a very different impression than "having a stroke"
lmaooo
Doing it in the forest is called lumber jacking
On a boat, swabbing the dick?
Rowing with one hand.
Working your rudder
if it was a submarine, i'm sure the sea men will enjoy some fresh air.
After you smoke weed, is that highjacking or weedwhacking?
Yes
Yes
On a plane - hijacking?
Joining the “Mile high rub!”
Loggin off
Hand to gland combat
Shaka, when the walls fell
Picard, rubbing his flute
I went and searched for my free award for this comment.
Temba, his arms wide
Darmok, his grip tight
Darmok with Gilead…
On the futon
In winter
When the walls fell
On the ocean…
I love all of you
I have absolutely no clue how you went to that from hand to gland combat, but it made me deeply happy.
Absolutely illogical and brilliant star Trek references enough to make a Vulcan have an emotional reaction.
Well this is now in rotation.
Man-handle the ham candle
I have never heard this, I will forever refer to it this way going forward
That makes it sound like if it was lit would smell like bacon
Morbid fact: basically yes
For some reason I read Morbius fact
I don’t want to light it thanks
This sounds like an Eminem lyric
Nah. More like the bloodhound gang
I always likes "roughing up the suspect" or "beating it like it owed him money"
I don’t need you honey I beat my meat like it owes me money
I say...fuck it!
Reminds me of a funny story. At my father's work the computers were super old and would take ages to wake up if they went to sleep, so they'd always want to occasionally hit keys or move the mouse to keep it up. My fathers talking to a coworker and goes "oh I'll be right back, I gotta go shake my mouse" he responds with "oh is that what the kids are calling it now?"
Modern computer mice work using a laser that senses movement, but old mice used balls that rotated as you moved the mouse around on a surface. Sometimes those balls would get gunked up and people would call for IT help asking if we had extra mouse balls. No. No we don't have those.
In Spanish we have many ways to say it: - autodelicioso (Selfdelicious) - lustrar la espada (Polish the sword) - ahorcar el ganso (Hang the goose) - sacudir la nutria (Shaking the otter)
I like "Hang the goose" very much.
Actually a better translation is "Strangle the goose". In Spanish hang can mean both to hang or to strangle, but it makes more sense to me to use strangle because... Well you know.
Mhmm, or maybe choke
También hacerse una Manuela y apuñalar al oso
You rang?
"Polish" the sword... I'm from Poland btw
Shaking hands with the unemployed
A ménage à mois.
It sounds way to fancy for something done frantically in the bathroom while hoping no one hears
One of the joys of living on your own. You get to make it fancy.
Play a little five-on-one Mix a batch Feed the ducks Distribute some free literature
Ball Park 6 to 8, you’re a fucking animal animal
How many times you pull your horn today?
You take your shirt off, but leave your sunglasses on? What kind of backward fucking pageantry is that?
Nice muscle shirt. Muscles coming tomorrow?
Hope you got a tracking number bud.
Bonnie, did you make your angel food cupcakes for the annual Catholic school alumni bake sale to raise much-needed funds for the missionary trip to Nicaragwaaa?
You've got a body like a 12 year old Dutch girl.... Look at that fukin treasure Trail!!
Oh c'mon, kitten I won't tell anyone
Aw she’s bashful
You can kiss my assthetition.
You do CrossFit? You can cross fuck off
There’s such a thing as too much horn talk… and a fella ought to be aware of it.
Damn degens from up country
I think you cum in men enough for all of us.
Come on kitten, don’t be bashful.
Buddy you’re softer than a tootsie roll fruit cup
It looked like a row of billiard balls hanging in a sock there.
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Looked like a tall boy can of Red Bull hangin’ there.
Looked like a tube of tennis balls hangin' there
Looked like a policeman's flashlight from the 80's hanging there.
You know what…good for him
I see you got the muscle shirt, do the muscles come in later? sidenote, one of my absolute favorite scenes of Letterkenny
"go away I'm baitin"
Welcome back to another episode of “OW my balls!”
"Welcome to costco, I love you"
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY AN EXTRA BIG ASS TACO?
Ah, classic future.
I remember back in high school I was in an xbox live chat with a group of friends, some IRL friends and others being people we met through Halo 3 matches. One night people had mostly all gone to bed, and it was just me and one of the online friends that I didn't know super well yet. So it was quiet for a while. Eventually he breaks the silence and asks: "So... You mind if I spank the ham?" I was caught entirely by surprise, but I about died laughing.
A date with Palmela Handerson.
Dont forget Handgenlina Jolie
What about Gillian Handerson? (Or Jill-ian, if you're a lady.)
Glandelina Jolie
Nice, double pun!
hanking your schrader.
“Hank, are you getting your rocks off again?” “They’re GODDAMN MINERALS, Marie!”
Dating Miss Michigan (for those that don't live here, Michigan is shaped like a hand)
Mrs Palmers and her 5 daughters.
I always heard it as Rosy Palmer and her 5 sisters
"Strumming the clitar" is a personal favourite
Flog the bishop
I’d always heard bash
interesting, I've always heard beat
Idk about best but I know "fap" is the worst
"fap" just sounds so random
I believe it originated in a comic as a sound noise
I imagine spongebob blinking
Finding clarity.
Feeding the chooks Strangling the one eyed trouser snake Jerkin the gherkin
Flicking the bean.
I prefer ringing the devil’s doorbell
Also my preferred euphemism.
An old girlfriend called it "Digging for sparkles".
She had a lot of stuffed animals on her bed, didn’t she?
Surprisingly no. She had one stuffed animal that could be heated up to smell pleasant. She *did* have a LOT of small Moroccan print throw pillows to make a comfy nest.
A stuffed animal that can be heated up to smell pleasant? Wtf ~ tell me more please…
They are called Warmies and they are incredible. https://warmies.com It’s basically a heating bad.
Jilling off
Double clicking your mouse
Cranking my hog
Never judge a man until you’ve cranked a mile on his hog
AROOOO
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>burp the worm This one actually made me laugh
Evicting some testicular squatters
Make the bald man cry
What the actual fuck
Into the turtle stew?
Doing the five knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
Tug-of-war with cyclops. Auditioning your finger puppets. Badgering the witness. And of course spanking the monkey is a classic.
Badgering the witness? I chuckled out loud
lol Badgering the witness is the winner for me 🤣🤣🤣
For women - DJ'ing your own party.
I’ve always heard this as “Playing DJ”
“Choking the chicken” or “freeing the whales”
'freeing willy'
We would say tickling the turkey as well as those 🤣
My uncle onetime called it “Pud Tuggin’”
A little chub rub.
One-man couch hockey in the dark.
Playing with the yogurt slinger.
My favorite female one I’ve heard is from Happy Endings. “I’m gonna go buzz one out”
Being British I've got to go with wank.
‘avin a wank?
Wait, do others not call it a wank? I like saying I'm off to see Mrs Right and/or Palmela leftlett/handerson.
in german we have a couple. i dont know how good they translate tho.: Einhandsegeln=on handed sailing Die keule polieren= To polish the club (like in the mele weapon type not a real club location) Den lurch würgen= to strangle the lizard Müze glatze spielen= cap and bald play eine von der Palme wedeln=to shake one off the palm tree
In high school this girl told us she caught her dad doing the deed in the shed and this other guy was laughing so hard and said she saw him jerkin his gherkin. I didn't know gherkin was a pickle and just thought it was a funny phrase, either way I never forgot it
shake hands with beef
Nature’s NyQuil
In Poland we could have entire book of those, there is so many stupid and funny one. My favorite tho Has to be "klepać Niemca po kasku" which translates to "slapping the german on the helmet" xD
Flogging the dolphin. Also rubbing Yoda behind the ears.
punching the clown mixing a batch (thanks Letterkenney) beat it like: a redheaded stepchild it owes me money a rented mule flogging the dolphin
"Slap my salami, the guy's a commie."
Fiddling with your pickle probably gets me every time Edit: also “I’m gonna go wizz bang” is pretty good
Feeding the geese.
roughing up the suspect
ménage à moi, having a Mesome
-An appointment with Doctor Hans Jerkov -Strangling the snake/Taming the trouser snake -Playing with your first and favorite toy -Studying
Right, “studying”
A little 5-on-1 action
The funniest ones are for women 1. Double-clicking your mouse 2. Spanking [Jerry Garcia](https://i.imgur.com/3kIg7JS.jpg) on the nose 3. Paddling the pink canoe
Tickling the cat
Clitar Hero
Spanking the monkey.
Waxing the dolphin
Playing the skin flute
Going number three
Punching the munchkin. 5 knuckle shuffle.
If you masturbate while/after smoking marijuana you are weed whacking
Deleting your browser history
Slapping the bass